IN THIS ISSUE: OTHER PHISH IN THE SEA
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WUnderground DECEMBER 25TH, 2023
BURIED WUNDERGROUND Breaking: Insourcing out, Outsourcing In Page 6
That’s Psycho: Therapist One Space Bar Away From Jail Time Page 0mg
Bus Driver Fired After 100 Bottles of Beer Found in His Walls
VOL 20 HOLIDAY ISSUE
PRICE: IT'S THE THOT THAT COUNTS
Gone Phishing: WashU’s IT Department Quits After Scam Email Success Do you ever find strange emails in your inbox? Vague threats of legal prosecution or meal point deficits? If so, you might be the target of PHISHING! While this might sound like a nice day out on the lake with the boys, it’s not nearly as sick nasty. It’s just sick. And it’s nasty. Ghouls on the internet want to steal your information, and they’re gonna send you emails to get it. As a result of such a pressing threat, WashU’s heroic IT department, our last line of defense, uses the enemy’s tactics against them. By flooding students’ inboxes with phishing emails of their own, IT hopes to train the masses to recognize these bogus messages. “We pretty much just send really scary emails at like 8:30 in the morning. That’s when the students are most vulnerable,” said IT department chair Goon Robson, “It’s been working a little too well. We’re phishing the hell out of these kids.”
“I got this freshman with the classic: ‘your mom’s dead, gimme money’ trick,” said lead phisherman Rutherford Steez, “Honestly, I bet I’d make more money running a real phishing operation than working here.” UPDATE: In the past week, phishing activity at WashU has increased tenfold; students have been hit with a barrage of fake parking tickets, requests for password confirmation, and messages from hot milfs in their area. Meanwhile, the IT department is nowhere to be found. One student, Brandon Scungis, had
this to say about the phishing fiasco: “Just yesterday, I got an email from Boeing. They offered me a job making mini WMDs for household use, but when I clicked ‘accept’, all my V-Bucks disappeared!” I attempted to reach out to WashU IT for further comment, but all that remains of their website is a game that will (and I quote), “make you cum in five seconds”. My suspicions, like my email password, seemed to be confirmed. The WashU IT department had gone rogue, choosing to make hella money phishing wealthy college students. A victimless crime? Maybe. But as an English major once told me, a crime is a crime is a crime is a crime. (I think.) As the university has been left defenseless, the only advice I can give is to STOP READING YOUR EMAILS. All of them. None of them are safe. Set fire to your Outlook account. Become unphishable.
WUnderground Holiday Gift Guide Page them down, Page them around
New Jewish Fashion Line: Menschwear Page 98765
We’ve Never Seen This Before: The Godfather
The holidays: it’s that time of year when the snow falls and your frigid grandmother crawls her way out of the fast-forming fissures in the arctic ice to grace your dining room table. Ay caramba! Here’s a couple gift ideas to help you through this special season: 1. The Tesla Cybertruck Give this gift if you’re rich and really hate someone but you don’t want them to know it. Force them into eternal purgatory. Tie them inextricably to the sinking ship that is Elon Musk’s legacy. Make them drive that one trapezoid for which you had to calculate the area in middle school geometry.
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Okay Greta Thunberg, I’ll get a UPass
2. A St. Louis Arch ornament
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Give this gift to your parents to hang on the tree so you can reminisce about your college years every season. When you’re 40, and unemployed, and still living with them, you’ll look at this ornament and say, “remember that? remember WashU?” and they, teeth bared in a forced
it’s close enough. smile, will nod. For you, the ornament is a beacon of hope; 5. The truth that Santa isn’t for them, it is only a painful rereal minder of your wasted potential. 3. The Green Bay Packers cheesehead Give this to your slightly shitty boyfriend who roots for any football team but the Green Bay Packers. when he says “thanks babe, but… they’re not my team,” throw a fit tantamount to George Santos when he was kicked out of Congress. Your boyfriend will acquiesce, and now he’s stuck wearing a stupid fucking block of cheese to every Sunday game lest he invoke your rage again.
Give this gift to your fouryear-old cousin if you want to start him early on the cigarette-smoking realism of the French philosophers. It’s also an indirect gift to his Jewish friends, who don’t have to lie to him anymore. 6. Cash
Give this to anyone you respect. Some people say cash is an impolite gift, but really it’s like that part in the mafia movie where they start getting down to brass tacks and shooting each other. A gift is 4. One of them fancy beer-brewlike the beginning part where ing kits they’re speaking in veiled threats and being all polite, Give this to anyone in your life but cash? That’s the real stuff. who’s recently finished Breaking That’s what this whole thing is Bad. it’s not quite the same, but about, motherfucker.