IN THIS ISSUE: SEXISM
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BS SPECIAL GUEST ARTICLE FROM BYU SATIRE LIPS ARE NOT CANDY
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WUnderground FEBRUARY 14TH, 2023
BURIED WUNDERGROUND Group of Virgins Name Their Newspaper StudLife Page 69
I Went to the Olin Library Sex Room and Nobody Knew You Page haha!
OP ED: “I Was The First One to Sit Down With the Clitoris and Listen” Page 2
“I Choose You,” Mormon Pokemon Trainer Tells Twelfth Charizard
VOL 20, ISSUE 3
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PRICE: A HEFTY ONE [SMIRK EMOJI]
You Asked For Virginity: Here's a Review of The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom Every good abstinent boy knows his Zelda games. And in the case of 2023’s The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, it was a pleasure to make its acquaintance. The latest game in the long-running series serves primarily as a sequel to 2017’s smash hit The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, but never feels like a retread. In building upon the foundations that Breath of the Wild set (most notably in the case of asset reuse), Tears of the Kingdom is able to turn its focus towards engaging new game mechanics. The familiar “Sheikah Slate” abilities from Breath of the Wild are replaced here with new “Zonai Arm” abilities, and these bring a game-changing depth which its predecessors did not. For example, the “Ultrahand” ability allows Link to manipulate a semi-destructible environment, sticking together various items to create bridges, walls, traps, vehicles, or anything else one can imagine. The idea of combination further extends into the “Fuse” abil-
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ity, which gives Link the ability to fuse any of the hundreds of items present in the game to his equipment. For example, he might fuse a monster’s horn to a sword for a sharper swing, or fuse a mushroom to his shield for a puff of poison in an attacking enemy’s face. These new abilities significantly heighten the gameplay potential of Zelda’s already expansive open world, though it should be noted - the complexity of the new abilities might create a learning curve a little steep for players new to the franchise, though as a follow-up to Breath of the Wild, the new mechanics
feel at least somewhat intuitive. Overall, I’d say that The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom is a must-play on the Nintendo Switch. It takes all the elements that made its predecessor a masterpiece and expands them, going as far as to triple the size of the map, all without compromising the Switch’s hardware. Honestly it’s a miracle that the game was released on the aging system. This game is not only one of the best in the Zelda series, but one of the best games released in the last ten years.
Sidechat to Pioneer Celibacy Awareness Club Page U
Requests to Live in Veast Skyrocket After Saltburn Page 5 stars
Packing Tip: TSA Can See Your Balls
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Can you believe it’s only been a little over a year since YikYak I mean Gaggl I mean Sidechat took WashU by storm? For just over 3 grueling semesters, our esteemed scholar champions have been able to project their stream of consciousness both completely unprompted, and, better yet, completely anonymously through the medium of Fizz Sidechat. From posting the 33rd petty complaint about their Top-25 school today, to astute takes such as “W Weather”,
tide of lust which rumbles ever closer with every passing minute? Well, look no further than WashU’s most beloved Sidechat users to get the job done. In collaboration with the WashU Department of Mental Gymnastics, Sidechat’s top 15 users are set to pioneer the university’s very first Celibacy Awareness Club. The club’s objective is simple. As repeated for 4 whole pages in their Club Constitution, “Celebrate Celibacy!” The exec board formed of Sidechat’s top 15 users, who have henceforth dubbed themSidechat perfectly exemplifies the selves the “Continence Council”, inner workings of our academiare slated to begin their publiccally lethal minds. ity campaign after that one calc However, my friends, midterm everyone is freaking times are dark. Long gone is the out about. Look out for the pure-minded, New Year’s resoluCelibacy Awareness Club tabling tion spurred month of January. at the DUC, competing with February, the month of unconthose random communists for trollable lust and unchecked inwho gets to invade the activities dulgence is upon us, and we must fair, and attending church every be ready to fight back. Student single Sunday! Life is set to release their “Sex Issue”, which I believe is a major issue in itself; one which needs to be addressed posthaste! But who can save us from the unstoppable
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