Erica Grider story

THE CAREGIVER... living, loving and caring along the way!

by Erica G. Grider in honor of Brenda Lee Lyons

It was every teenage girl's dream… To have a sweet 16 party with all the bows and ribbons! And Brenda was no different. She was looking forward to celebrating and becoming of age and doing it with so much fun. Yet there was one unexpected guest on the list. In fact, this guest was so special that Brenda had to cancel her sweet 16 party and substitute that party with a baby shower! A few days after my mom’s 16th birthday, she officially became a teen mom! And thus our story began.

It was a very interesting beginning with lots of rollercoaster rides along the way. My mother was a young high school student who was clueless about motherhood. My grandmother realized the challenges of a young mother and she lovingly stepped in and agreed to nurture me and allow my mom to go forward and live her life as she deemed necessary. My grandmother (Mary Lee aka Granny) never wanted me to be an obstacle nor did she want my Mom to resent me for holding her back from experiencing her life’s dreams. This exchange took our lives in a different direction forevermore. The natural bond that should occur between a mother and her child was shifted to Granny and myself. In fact, my mom and I literally grew up together being raised by the same “mother”. Therefore we were more like sisters than mom and daughter.

Therefore, I was raised primarily by my grandmother and my father, Roger Gordon. However, my mom, who loved to dress me up like a pretty little doll, would hang out with me and take me places when it was convenient for her. Regardless of what she attempted or offered, I preferred to stay with my granny most of the time. She was very consistent, loving, patient, and secure. My mother was quite the opposite. And we all understood and allowed her to do her thang... Over the years, my mother would give birth to two more daughters, Sharika and Chandra. I began to live at home with my mom more as I had the task of helping to rear my younger sisters. Overall, we had a truly good life but that was not absent of some drama here and there! I was a very protective big sister. I did not want my mother’s inexperience to affect my sisters. This was an amazing learning experience and it truly aided in preparing me for motherhood someday. Of course, history repeated itself. I bonded with my sisters in that “mothering role” while they were growing up and my Granny helped out as well. My mom and I gradually grew more detached throughout my adult life. That remained as such until my father passed away and then my world literally came crumbling down when my Granny died in 2011.

My mom and I had become so content at loving one another from a distance. I still continued that course until while ministering one day, the Lord gave me a strong word. He reminded me Brenda was still my mother and she was still very much ALIVE! She was and is my only living parent. Regardless of how I felt about our relationship, the fact of the matter was that I was now a mom myself and loving every moment of it. My sons, Joshua and Caleb, were a huge blessing that I intently prayed for, thankfully God honored my prayers. Nonetheless, the Lord was very clear that until I make things right with my very own mother that nothing that I did in Ministry or in my life was going to

continue to blossom. He reminded me that my mother was a huge part of my ministry, of my life, whether I liked it or not. The word reads that we are to honor our father and mother! No if ands or buts about it. I was in prayer about how to move forward in our relationship. Meanwhile, my mother’s health was beginning to decline on a daily basis.

That all changed one day when my mom called to tell me that she was on the verge of homelessness, she was sick, had nowhere else to turn and she needed my help. I had been conveniently oblivious to much of the happenings in her life. After much prayer and a little time, we sat down for a face-to-face that was long overdue! It took us a while to get through some things and we are still working at it to this day. Yet, after many years of this n that, hurt and disappointments, lots of tears and apologies and forgiveness, the Lord began to do a new thing in our lives and the healing process started to take place. My Mom looked at me with sorrowful eyes and sincere tears and asked, “if I would just see it in my heart to take care of her just a fraction of the way that I lovingly took care of my grandmother, and she would be eternally grateful! There was no way that I could or would say no! It was my charge and my honor to do so... And she didn’t even need to ask me! I now know in my heart that she did the best that she could at the time and she made some mistakes along the way. Honestly, who hasn’t made mistakes? I realize that being a mom at 16 back in that time was really frowned on in our culture. She was still but a mere child herself. It had to be a huge awakening and a tough life for her. I am grateful that she chose to continue the pregnancy and not have an abortion. The Lord truly had everything under control, even though we couldn’t see it at the time. God made it right for such a time as this!

Our new beginning started in 2017 and it’s been quite the journey! We’ve had some good days and some bad days…but that’s to be expected. With God all things are possible! We are taking things one day at a time and “ It was a very interesting beginning with lots of rollercoaster rides along the way” Erica grinder

enjoying life along the way! We both have come to learn and know that Caregiving is all about RELATIONSHIP! It involves, my mother, myself, my family, her doctors, specialists, her friends, my friends/support, her pastor, my pastor, and OUR GOD!

My mother, (Lil Brenda) as I affectionately call her now, is finally beginning to enjoy her golden years as she should! I am adamant that my Mom receives the absolute best possible medical care and I am uber protective of her overall wellbeing too. Throughout the course of our lives, she has always been a hardworking, single mom. Thus we had to learn how to function in our new roles as Mom and Daughter/Caregiver. It is truly a patience exercise, especially on my part. (lol) And with the many challenges of her health, which include several surgeries, numerous trips to the ER, a myriad of hospital stays, and a lifetime of medications, it can be and is quite overwhelming and exhausting at times. BUT GOD! My job is to ensure that Lil Brenda is afforded the opportunity to live her best life possible until He calls her home. I am not just about preaching and teaching love but walking it out, just as Jesus did for us! I want my sons, Joshua and Caleb to carry out the same for me someday and pass that on to their offspring as well. My sons really make my heart glad to see the way that they love and help care for my Mom as well. They think that she is quite entertaining! (Especially, when she gets in time out for her behavior) That is our little fun way of maintaining our sanity and peace... to take some time apart and think about things. We always come back together once we pray and get our mind refocused on Him!

Please know that Lil Brenda is quite a handful but I love her just the same!!! She and I went from not even wanting to conversate or have dinner together for an hour or two every once in a while, to taking a 5-day cruise to the Bahamas and eating 3 meals together every day and vacationing on a regular basis, as well as talking and/or texting daily! The fact that we can worship together as a family is definitely a huge blessing and a major bonus!!! My caregiving journey has led Lil Brenda and me to a place of forgiveness, peace, and restoration. Our relationship is far from perfect but it's so much better. I had to realize that life is not perfect, but we serve a God who is! It’s not about us... yet it definitely involves us. Caregiving is not easy but it’s necessary and possible if we do it His way. Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.