If your child comes out as transgender
One OPRF student’s advice on talking about coming out and how to hear the responses
By TEDDY N.
(Editor’s note: This essay was written by a rising junior at Oak Park and River Forest High School.)
Introduction
Every once and a while, I will get asked about how I came out as trans. Or why. Or what it’s “like.”
I’m not the best at describing this experience, but one analogy I’ve heard (that I think is pretty solid) is to imagine one day you wake up, and when you put on your shoes, you realize they are on the wrong feet. Every attempt to fix them fails. Maybe throw a rock in them for good measure. And all of a sudden, you are left to deal with this perpetual feeling of wrongness. With every step, you are reminded of this situation you’re in, and you think everyone can notice how you walk funny. Somedays, you can get used to it.
Your friends tell you they don’t even notice the mix-up. But then there are those other days, when all you can think about is those freaking Converses (Conversi?). All you want is to rip them off, because anything would be better than another step in those Doc Martens (I’m realizing how few shoe brands I know). And to make matters worse, many in society view the procedure to fix the shoes as something abhor rent. There are those attempting to ensure it is illegal to fix your shoes.
I can only imagine how you are feeling right now. But with all my heart, I thank you for taking this step. If anything, I hope these suggestions can provide a broad idea of your first thoughts if your child comes out to you, to help them feel safe and loved.
Suggestion #1
Your child is not dead, so do not mourn. I understand the feelings overflowing when such an event happens. When I came out to my mother, just the two of us present, there was a pause. Potent and fragile. At that moment, all I wanted was to weep, because the last thing I ever wished to do was cause her pain. Gently, I remember her looking up and asking:
“Do you not like being a girl?” In retrospect, the answer is pretty clear
now. But even then, while I was still reeling in my decision, I understood her meaning. Did she fail as a mother? Did she teach me to be ashamed of womanhood, to think of femininity as something to avoid?
No. I wasn’t able to find that simple word. But by presenting and pretending to be something I wasn’t, I only solidified my understanding: the life I knew was built of glass.
I am so grateful to have been gifted with the most incredible mother I could ever ask for, who’s compassion has guided me through this tumultuous experience more times than I can count. But I know others have not been so lucky. Time and time again I have heard stories from other queer youth, whose parents’ tears did not stop, who they would see clutching to baby photos or reminiscing on songs they played when their children were young. At that moment, all these kids wanted was to turn back time, hide in a closet and have everything go back to the way it was
But they knew that wasn’t possible. Grieving won’t bring your child back, because they never left.
I have been to a few funerals in my life. Loss can be a feeling that never truly goes away. Maybe you spent years planning a name, a future, and it all feels like it is slipping away
to consider -- as they are a major dispute regarding youth -- they are, simply put, not something to worry about right now. Because if your child tells you at dinner they are actually male, they are not coming home the next day with top surgery, a beard, and the heavenly voice of a prepubescent boy, cracks and all. Because being transgender does not equate to having surgery
And yet, it is often one of the only factors considered when a youth discusses aspirations for transitioning
What your child is actually asking for might be so much smaller than you imagined
Transitioning, a majority of the time, is social. It can be choosing a new name, using new pronouns. I hate to use the term “boy and girl clothes”, but maybe your child would like outfits associated with their newfound gender identity. Maybe they just want a haircut. I cannot encourage you enough to let them.
“Their smile, their jokes, the way they hug you? That will not change.”
TEDDY N.
But please understand, your child is the same one that loved dinosaurs when they were five, or who came to you in the middle of the night because of a monster under their bed. They are now simply telling you something bigger than their favorite extracurricular, or where they want to go to college. Their smile, their jokes, the way they hug you? That will not change.
They are asking you to hold their hand as they cross a new road, and to instead act as if you are viewing their eulogy is a stab in the heart. The baby you raised is still here, and you are meeting them more than ever before
Suggestion #2
Your child is not going to undergo a sex change operation overnight. In the mainstream media, I recognize fear mongering on this topic is widespread, with even the current president implying you can have a gender-affirming surgery at school. While the medical procedures commonly linked to a transgender identity are viable
Even if it doesn’t make sense right away, to look in the mirror and finally recognize your reflection? To know your parents and friends see you for who you are? It is as if you finally found a missing puzzle piece, and the picture is finally whole
And yes, more likely than not they will eventually want to discuss more impactful options, and when they do, I implore you to listen to them. But that takes time. Doctors. Consultations.
Right now, they don’t need a medical evaluation. They need you.
Being transgender is not just about your body or future procedures. Even if you think you’re considering their wellbeing, to only focus on hypothetical medical risks is to completely ignore what they are telling you, and what they’re asking for right now. So be here in the present with them.
Suggestion #3
Know your child is scared.
It was one of the most monumental decisions I ever made, and I know the same is true for others I’ve talked to. However much you imagine your perfect coming out, and whatever media tells you about how rewarding it is, you never know what the reaction will be
Even if all they said was one sentence, understand how much bravery it takes. Behind “I think I’m a girl” is months of self-reflection as they determine who they are. Behind “I’m actually a boy” is time spent stressing about whether it was worth it to tell you.
Behind “I’m trans” is the decision that the potential consequences are insignificant to the opportunity to accept their intrapersonal identity
So recognize that. Be proud -- you have raised a child brave enough to value themselves even when the outcome may appear dire.
But also acknowledge this decision comes with fear, because they don’t know if you will still love them.
They’ve seen the news. They know there are those in power trying to erase their existence and diminish their identity as nothing but mental illness. And they know some of their classmates echo this sentiment. There is a chance to be public about who they are, classmates would isolate them, family members might harass them, all alongside an imbued understanding current politicians would prefer if they didn’t exist.
Try to imagine if when you turned on the TV there was an elected official arguing healthcare that could save your life should be prohibited. That your existence should be criminalized (though unfortunately, this reality applies to more than just those in the LGBTQ+ community).
Your child fears you agree with these sentiments. So make it abundantly clear you do not. Do not ignore what is circulating in the media but ensure this fear does not define them. Treat them as they are: not as your transgender kid, but your son or daughter who happened to be born in the wrong body They are not trying to confuse or har m you. They just need to know that they are still yours. That you will support them even when the world does not. That you will hold their hand
Queer youth founded safe summer space with OPALGA+ support
Local LGBTQ+ students and allies join the organization in the
Youth Council’s rst summer
By ELIZABETH SHORT Contributing Reporter
School pride clubs can provide an important safe space for LGBTQ+ youth. Queer students can find support and inclusion in these communities, which they might not find at home or elsewhere. These groups can also offer opportunities for LGBTQ+ youth and allies to organize, become involved in activism, and connect with the larger queer community. During the summer months, however, many of these groups become inactive and some queer
students are left without crucial support systems.
In April, colle ge students Emma Costello-Wollwage and the LGBTQ+ Youth Council of County to tackle exactly this issue. The Oak Park Area L esbia n and Gay Association + (OPALGA+), which has a dvo cated for LGBTQ+ equality and acceptance in the Chicago area since 1989, sponsors the gr Kennedy are both previous the OPALGA+ Scholarshi dents in reco gnition of their a partnering with a Youth Council will
ing LGBTQ+ advocacy projects and groups while approaching these issues from a specifically youth-oriented perspective.
ich already has es to provide local LGBTQ+ youth with vital support systems during these summer months.
The group hopes to create a more sustainabl e and consistent commu-
LGBTQ+ students, who might also struggle with losing a familiar safe space ile transitioning between schools.
“Through the OPALGA+ Youth Council, a lasting space where LGBTQ+ youth feel supported, heard, and emto lead,” said Kennedy. “Our goal
is to create opportunities that reflect our community’s needs, encourages meaningful connection, and gives young people the tools to get involved — whether through service, advocacy, or simply showing up for one another.”
These groups become especially important during times of political uncertainty. As the federal government strips programs providing critical support to queer youth — the federal government announced it will be ending the national suicide hotline’s specialized support for LGBTQ+ youth starting next month — local organizations and communities can step in and provide a safety net.
The Youth Council “can be the time where queer students can re gain strength, hope, and feel a sense of community in the midst of a world that doesn’t always ensure LGBTQ+ safety and equality,” said Costello-Wollwage
Celebrating 30 years at this location
EMMA COSTELLO-WOLLWAGE (she/her)
RF proves inclusive nature as 500 join 4th annual Pride Walk
‘Live authentically and be celebrated’
By LEAH SCHROEDER Contributing Reporter
For River Forest Village Trustee Erika Bachner, the months of planning that preceded the fourth annual River Forest Pride Walk were all worth it when she was approached by a young volunteer who shared that this was their first ever Pride event and the amount of support that they felt moved them to tears.
The Pride Walk, held June 2, was attended by over 500 community members and several community organizations, in-
cluding the River Forest Library and several religious groups. The event involved the raising of the rainbow Pride a walking parade beginning at Vi and ending at Keystone Park.
“Every year when we raise tha always emotional for me, and I think lot of people,” Bachner said. “It shows that River Forest is a place where people can live authentically and be celebrated who they are.”
Bachner said the event had an energetic and joyful atmosphere, with attendees waving Pride flags and enjoying Kona Ice from a nearby snow cone truck. But she also ognized the undeniable event saying that it wasn tion,” it was a “time
and supported in the area.”
Megan Keskitalo, newly elected as a River Forest village trustee, has participated in the planning process for the event each year since it began. Each year, more and more community members come to the walk, Keskitalo said.
“It tends to be a highlight of my year, because I feel like there’s so much acceptance and love and excitement in the community for the event and for the sense that everyone belongs and everyone has a place
here,” Keskitalo said.
As an openly LGBTQIA+ elected official, Bachner reflected on her own experience growing up and said that has shaped the way that she leads initiatives in the community.
“We know the importance of being seen,” Bachner said. “When I was a kid, I didn’t really have that in the same way. … To be able to see kids in the streets with the pride colors and feeling confident and strong and feeling like they can be an ally to somebody, all of that is just really, really important to instill.”
Keskitalo echoed this sentiment, saying she f eels “honored” and “grateful” to be pa rt of a “community that treasures our differences so much.” Going forward, Keskitalo said she hopes to include more c ommunity organizations in the P ride Walk and broaden outreach prior to the event.
“I feel deeply grateful to live among the people of River Forest and to live in a community where everyone is welcomed, accepted and celebrated,” Keskitalo said. “It’s especially important to see families and children at these events and to see how we’re teaching the next generation that love is stronger than hate, and that everyone deserves to be appreciated and
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ends, Bachner said. The ef for ts are ongoing and year-round.
Bachner confirmed the Pride Walk will be held again next year. Year after year, Bachner said River Forest receives feedback from community members about how
Bachner said. “Seeing the hundreds of families, seeing the openly LGBTQIA+ elected officials in River Forest and then all the neighbors and allies, it’s a pretty clear message that everyone belongs here in our community.”
