Manage your childs emotions

20/09/2019

BBC Breakfast Manage Your Child’s Emotions & Build Resilience Elizabeth O’Shea

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Sky News

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Parenting Consultant

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My Family

Today: 1. Empathy: Help your child manage difficult emotions.

2. Decreasing Angry Outbursts: Learning from mistakes and problem-solving with your child.

3. Resilience: Help your child bounce back from disappointments

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1. Empathy Help your child manage difficult emotions.

All behaviour happens for a reason.

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Ways parents shut children down • • • •

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Ways parents shut children down • Exaggerating • Condescending • Sarcasm

“You never listen. You always ignore me.”

“You look so cute when you’re angry.”

“Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?”

• Defending others “Mrs Keen must have had a good reason to shout. What did you do?”

• The guilt trip “After all we do for you, this is how you repay us.”

• Nagging “How many times do I have to tell you? Put your bag up in your room, and put your coat and shoes away.”

• Pity “That’s awful, sweetheart. That’s terrible!

You poor thing.”

• Taking attention “That’s so sad, I could just cry!”

Criticism Threats Punishments Lecturing

“I can’t believe you did that. You knew that was wrong.”

“If you do that again, you’ll go to your room.”

“Right, that’s it. You’re not going to the party now.”

“Don’t talk to me like that! I’d never have talked to my father that way.”

Labelling “You’re acting like a spoiled brat. You’re so lazy.”

Questions “What happened then? Why did you do that? what’s wrong with you?”

Denial of feelings “Don’t worry. You’ll love the party when you get there!”

Advice “If Jenny is going to be like that, don’t play with her.

Why don’t you play with Amy? You need to find some nicer friends.”

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What is Empathy?

• Empathy is the ability to recognise and understand the distress of others, and to be moved by it.

• To understand what someone else is feeling or how you would feel if you were in their situation.

• Stepping into their shoes, and seeing things from their point of view.

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Empathy / Emotion Coaching Guess the emotion then guess why • “You look… annoyed. That comment really wound you up.”

Connection before correction

• “You sound… upset. You were really looking forward to that game.”

• “You seem… disappointed. You hoped you’d do better on the test.”

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• Don’t add a but!

What could you say, to show you What was What ‘get’ what your child is feeling, and the emotion was understand why they felt that situation? your child way? (Don’t add a ‘but’) feeling?

Start with: You look … You sound…

You seem…

• Don’t say: “I told you that would happen!”

• Let them have what they want… in fantasy: “Wouldn’t it be great if….” “I bet you wish….”

• Say why you think your child doesn’t want to do something: “You’re having so much fun. It’s hard to stop playing, and get ready for bed”

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Empathy is not a ‘technique’ • Sounds like you’re finding it hard • That’s tough • I understand • Yes, I can see, that didn’t seem fair • I get that • Oh, how frustrating!

• Do you want a hug?

• That must be so difficult

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2. Decreasing Angry Outbursts ‘Learning from mistakes’ and problem-solving

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Learning From Mistakes (CALM)

Problem-Solving

• Calm: Your child needs time to calm down. Use empathy to ‘Connect.’

• Admit and make Amends: Your child needs to admit they made a mistake, and make up for the hurt they caused.

• Learn: What can your child learn from this?

What could they do differently next time?

Can they practice doing the right thing?

• Move on: the matter is now over, and won’t be mentioned again.

1. Write the problem at the top of the page in a neutral way that doesn’t imply blame.

2. Ask your child to come up with 10 to 15 possible solutions.

3. Write down all their answers. Even the funny or silly ones.

4. If you have any other ideas, ask if you can add them at the end.

5. Cross off the ideas that are not acceptable.

6. ASK YOUR CHILD to choose what solution(s) they’d like to try first.

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What is Resilience?

• The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; mental toughness.

• An ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.

• Bounce-back-ability!

3. Resilience Help your child bounce back from disappointment and difficulties

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What helps resilience?

Why is Failure good for Children?

• Good physical health • Family gets along • School cares for wellbeing • Feeling safe, loved, understood & valued • Optimistic outlook • Opportunities to learn and succeed

• Develop resilience • Learn from mistakes • Develop ‘fire in their belly’ • Determination to succeed in future • Learn to cope with disappointment

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Play and fun Self-acceptance Recognising strengths A sense of belonging Sense of control Ability to solve problems Religion Good support network

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If we don’t allow mistakes we encourage: • Lying • Cheating • Aggressiveness • Feeling inadequate • Withdrawal or depression • Lack of trust • Keeping problems to themselves • Turning to peers • Not learning from mistakes • Giving up

Think of your biggest failure What did you learn?

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How do you learn from mistakes?

Well-meaning mistakes parents make that encourage a ‘victim mentality’ 1.

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• Remorse / guilt • Feel the disappointment • Time to reflect • Accept responsibility • Learn from it • Determination to succeed next time

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Do everything for their child.

Help with homework Distract them, if upset Smooth the path Over-indulge Rescue them if they make a mistake Tend to blame others if their child doesn’t do well Tell their child what to do if they have a problem Give more attention to fears and anxieties than to the child bouncing back, showing strength of character, or being brave or resilient

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Parents help a child thrive by:

Meeting basic needs

1. Meeting their basic needs 2. Having a good relationship 3. Providing firm boundaries 4. Empowering them

• Healthy diet • Enough exercise • Enough sleep • Time to relax • Feeling safe

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Having a good relationship

Firm boundaries

• Unconditional love • Notice good behaviour • Empathy • Respect • Quality time • Happy and playful • Family meals • Fun family time

• Clear, consistent rules • Regular, predictable routines • Staying utterly calm • Positive discipline • Limiting leisure screen time • Encouraging independence and self-reliance • Expecting children to help at home

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Empowerment

Empowerment

• I know you. I bet you find a way to do that!

• We’re O’Shea’s, and we can do this!

• I’ll be with you every step of the way. Cheering you on.

• I know you can do better than that. Do you want to try that again?

• Remember when you did (x) and you really didn’t want to. But you did it, and you enjoyed it. You just need to try it.

• You can do this!

• This is hard, but you keep trying. You’re not giving up.

• Our family is a team. We do things to help each-other.

• Everyone in our family does a job to help out, for an hour to two hours a week.

Not clearing up after themselves but doing something for the family.

• Today you didn’t get the result you wanted.

It’s OK to be sad. That is disappointing.

Especially after all the hard work you put in.

Tomorrow you can think about what you could do, to do better next time.

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Empowerment • If you sign up for an activity, you have to do it until the end of the term / year!

Then you can give up if you want to and choose another activity.

• You’re only allowed to stay off school if you are sick or have a high temperature. Otherwise you need to go to school.

• When you move up to Prep school / Secondary school you’ll be able to manage all your own prep / homework. I won’t need to help you.

• All I expect is for you to try your best. If you do that, you can hold your head up high, knowing you gave it everything.

If you do your absolute best, you can be proud of yourself.

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The power of …yet!

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If you are having challenges with your child • • • • • • • • •

Not Sleeping Bedtime battles Anger Tantrums Hitting Biting Anxiety Tricky friendships Struggling to get ready in the morning

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Homework School-work Obsession with computer games Getting into trouble at school Fighting Bullying Sibling rivalry Rudeness Disrespect

Call me!

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Thank You! Any questions?

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