VOLUME 145, NO. 21.5
The independent newspaper of Washington University in WashU since 1878
PAT THEE BEAR
WILD performer announced to be men’s basketball coach and Megan Thee Stallion page 420
MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2024
DUC NOW FUC
Naming Review Board finally does something page 6969
Chancellor Randy Mortin announced in a Tweet from the official Washington University X account, @GoBearsOfficial that the University would be purchasing the city of St. Louis, citing “fate” as their primary motivator, April 1.
“The endowment returned 2030% this year, and St. Louis’ enrollment – sorry, population – has been declining,” Mortin wrote. “So we will be expanding eastward to the Mississippi and leasing property back to the city until it is fully vacated.”
The University also announced a name change given the Eastward Expanstion Project (EEP), and will now be called Washington University in WashU.
In a statement to Student Libel, Chief Financial Officer Marty Moneybaggs said that the University’s investment in crude oil fracking has really paid off this year, allowing the school to have an upper hand when negotiating sales with the city.
“Mayor Jones and Chancellor Mortin hashed it out over a drink and a game of darts at Blueberry Hill,” Moneybaggs said. “Mortin offered five billion and sunk a bullseye, and the deal was sealed. I watched it all while sipping a Blue Moon and eating mozzarella sticks.”
Randy Morton was quoted saying that “Fontbonne was the next frontier” in a recent press conference.
“God wanted us to expand, probably,” Mortin said. “So with any luck, we’ll begin negotiations with Illinois in the next few months.” OLIVE
The University’s naming committee has their work cut out for them in re-branding city infrastructure. They’ve continued to release updates on @ GoBearsOfficial. To the east will be the East 1,276, which extends to Cupples III (formerly St. Louis City Hall) and Wash-UpsideDown-U (formerly the St. Louis Arch).
20 minutes at 15 areas around the city of WashU.
Sophomore Richard Claro said he was thrilled by the news of EEP.
St. Louis citizens who decide to stay in the city will be issued WashU student IDs, a Go Bears™ string bag, and charged $60,000 annually in tuition. Additionally, all city buses will be replaced with circulators, which will stop every
“I’ve never left campus before, so I’m glad WashU is expanding so I can finally explore the city without having to leave The Bubble,” Claro said. “I’m relieved I only have to interact with
Washington University has divested and dissociated from The Boeing Company following a number of recent controversies.
“Our longstanding partnership with Boeing unfortunately has come to an end,” Chancellor Andrew Martin said. “We simply could not take what we were seeing anymore.”
Calls for divestment from the company have increased in number since Oct. 7, given that Boeing supplies the Israeli army with bombs used in Gaza. Martin, however, said that this factored little into the decision.
“Gaza Shmaza,” Martin said. “We’ve got engineering students who need internships.”
The progressive group Resist WashU met with Martin in recent weeks to discuss their feelings on WashU’s partnership with Boeing, said the General Secretary of the group, Vlad Linen.
“It took a lot of effort, but we’re really proud of what we were able to accomplish,” Linen said.
Linen said that after Martin told them he was unmoved by stories they presented of people in Gaza, they changed tactics.
“We showed him a John Oliver video on Boeing,” Linen said. “He only seemed more stubborn after hearing that they have been prioritizing profit in recent years.”
Eventually, a Resist WashU member, who asked to remain anonymous, Googled “Boeing stock price” and showed Martin the result.
“It flipped a switch for him,” Linen said. “Just like that, he got to work.”
Martin said that he finally understood where the Resist WashU members were coming from.
WashU students for the rest of my time here.”
Given the announcement of EEP, the University’s strategic and tangible plan, Here and Next, will now be referred to as Here and There and Who’s Next.
Since acquiring the city of St. Louis only cost the University a fraction of their endowment, Moneybaggs said continued expansion is likely in the cards. Mortin affirmed this statement.
Martin added that he is keeping students in mind first in making this decision.
“We can’t call Olin a business school and keep up business practices like these,” he said. “What does that signal to our B-schoolers?”
Martin clarified that the passage of the recent Student Union resolution on divestment from Boeing did not affect his decision.
“Wait, what happened?” he said.
Martin said that plans to reinvest in the military-industrial complex are underway.
“We are overjoyed to announce that we are beginning a new partnership with Lockheed Martin,” he said.
“It was really the profit margins that made us pull the trigger,” Martin said. “The stock price has been dropping since December, and we just can’t stand that anymore.”
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For months, ongoing violence in the Middle East has led to extensive conversations in the Washington University community about the geopolitical landscape, often leading to even more division. With seemingly no end in sight to the conflict, first-year Max Adams did what was previously thought to be impossible– singlehandedly solved the crisis in the Middle East. “It was lowkey cake,” Adams said at a joint press release conference with the United Nations. Adams, who plans on majoring in Investment Banking, created the solution as part of a case competition in his Management 100 class. Adams was told to make a recommendation for the United States Secretary of State and pitch it to the class. Rather than working in
a group, he decided to tackle the topic alone, as a self-described “lone wolf with an alpha male mindset.”
In a typical case comp, students receive criticism from their professors and teaching assistants (TAs), however, the entire class was left speechless by Adams’ idea.
“You solved everything,” his TA said. “You solved problems we didn’t even know we had.”
When asked about his process, Adams said that he put on his best three-quarter zip, chugged a Celsius, channeled Elon Musk, and sat in Bauer for a couple of hours.
“Once I locked in,” he said, “it was game over for them.”
After bringing peace to the Middle East, Adams’ bucket list includes solving climate change, ending the war on drugs, and getting his fraternity off social probation, with the last being his hardest task yet.
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During the WashU Chancellor’s annual State of the Union speech Friday night, the crowd was in for a shocking event. Halfway through the speech, after explaining why he was going to deny everything the WashU student body asked for, the Chancellor collapsed to the ground.
Luckily for the University, Vice Chancellor for Student Affairs Dr. P was prepared to save the day, ready to jump into action. She quickly ran to the wall, grabbing a cord plugged into an outlet, and pulling it out towards Chancellor Dartin. Dr. P lifted the back of his shirt, revealing a charging port, and plugging the cord into his back.
The Chancellor bot jumped back to life, rising from the stage with reinvigorated energy, with the help of Dr. P by his side. The Chancellor bot
ran back to the podium, grabbing the mic, starting the Q&A session with a renewed drive.
After the scare, the Chancellor bot was back to his usual self, answering student questions with his typical vigor. “No” and “yes,” he said, even expanding his vocabulary to give an in-depth answer of “Probably not” to another student’s request.
After the speech, Chancellor Dartin was unwilling to discuss the incident with Student Libel. However, Vice Chancellor for Marketing and Communications, and Minister for Propaganda Julia Flower jumped to the Chancellor’s defense.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said. “President Biden — I mean Chancellor Dartin — showed that he is as youthful, energetic, and willing to interact with the student body as he always has been. He is definitely a real human”
However, investigative reporting by Student Libel revealed that Chancellor Dartin is indeed a robot, and is controlled
by WashU’s version of ChatGPT. Students in the audience who witnessed the event didn’t seem
to be bothered by what happened.
“To be honest, it wasn’t a huge shocker,” a WashU student said. “The
Chancellor has always seemed to be a robotic figure, so it makes a lot of sense that he is actually a robot.”
Boeing CEO, Scott Calhoun, makes last minute appearance at SU Senate meeting to defend company practices and provide explanation, Mar. 19.
Calhoun, has been the CEO at the Boeing
corporation since 2020. Business Insider reporter, Mr. I-do Business described his performance at the company as, “bad,” during a segment on Fly, fly, Weee news network (FFWNN). When asked to expand on his comment, Business said, “ar naur.”
The meeting centered around a resolution calling
for the university to divest from Boeing because of company practices having to do that inhumane thing that you are probably thinking of, in the place of the world where the bad stuff is happening (you know, that one).
Speaking on the behalf of all senators and students was United Nations
(UN) secretary general, António Guterres, who flew to the meeting in a helicopter that had zero carbon footprint and free vegan snacks.
Per SU “Intense celebrity debating” policy other attendees were encouraged to silently cheer and do cartwheels when they heard an idea they agreed
with. When they heard something they disagreed with, students shook their fingers at the speak in solidarity with the causes that they cared about and brought them to the meeting in the first place.
The following is a transcript of the conversation between Calhoun and Guteeres that has been edited for length and clarity.
António Guterres: What do you say to the allegations of the bad things that Boeing is currently doing in those places?
Scott Calhoun: We know they are bad, and sad, and not rad. But money, stock price, yay.
AG: Is that all that matters, we at the UN make the right decisions 100% of the time so we know what you should do.
****Many students cartwheeled with gusto****
SC: What should we do?
AG: Uhhhhhhh (minimal finger wags), I thiiiiiiinnnnnnnkkkk (more finger wags), well in all honesty before I suggest something publicly I have to check with the committee for saying things, but before that I need to talk
with department of public speech which is nestled int he public relations facet of the company and since they work with other parts of the firm I need to check in with the group that focuses on how we say things at college campuses, and read the documents from the subcommittee on how to solve ethical problems, and lastly send a memo to UN club specializing in the “free speech idea that people love but is super complicated the more you think about it,” once I talk with all of those people and hear back from them I will let you know.
SC: Okay, once you hear back do you want to email me your answers at boeing737s-are-safe-Ipromise@whatismorality.
com
AG: Sounds good, I’ll see you later skater, or should I say flyer. MAXIMUM FINGER WAGS
SC: Ha. ha. I love a bad joke, its what my job is turning into. Bye.
Senators collectively: So what do we do about this resolution?
AG+SC (together): We don’t know aur naur.
WUPD
few miles away, WUPD decided to mobilize the next best option: therapy dogs Ear and Ookie.
“Despite
Three
However, the dogs presence caused some confusion as students attempted to approach the evacuated building to pet the dogs and get a free sticker.
“I was really bummed that I wasn’t able to get a free sticker,” one student who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of retribution by Ear and Ookie said. During the entire
incident, which lasted three hours, Corner 17 remained open the whole time. A high level administrator at The University explained that if Corner 17 were to have been closed around lunchtime the backlash would have been worse than the possible risk to students well-being.
After a thorough search, Ear and Ookie found nothing, leading WUPD to send out an all-clear notification to campus.
“They probably just went to class after finishing their work in the library,” a WUPD officer said.
“We at the University care about our reputation and rankings. Just imagine what might happen to our ranking if Corner 17 were to be closed for even a couple of minutes, let alone a couple hours.”
Over the recent week, the Social Programming Board (SPB) found itself at the center of a scandal that has rocked it to its core. Known for its successful ticket allocation during NAP and the publicity of the Dr. Mike guest speaker event, SPB’s recent scandal leaves students questioning how the organization operates behind the scenes.
It all started innocently enough, with students eagerly anticipating the next big event organized by SPB, Washington University’s spring 2024 WILD. But behind the scenes, whispers of favoritism and cronyism began to spread like wildfire. Rumors swirled that SPB’s selection process for event organizers was less about talent and more about who you knew.
A deep dive into SPB’s
inner workings revealed a web of connections that would make even the most seasoned conspiracy theorist puzzled. It turns out that many of the key decision-makers within SPB had close familial ties to each other, with even a rumor that Chancellor Martin is related to one of the SPB executives.
“SPB recently created a new rule where Chancellor Martin has to be present when interviewing an SPB member and I was shocked by how ridiculous this sounded. Now it all makes sense. It’s a family reunion there,” senior Chuckleberry Fin said.
But it’s not just the family tree that has students upset — it’s the blatant disregard for SPB’s own policies when it comes to granting special privileges to friends of board members. According to insiders, certain individuals with personal connections to SPB members have been given VIP treatment at events, including
exclusive meet-and-greets with guest speakers, despite such perks technically being off-limits to the general student body.
Sophomore Binky McLaughlin commented after she attended the Dr. Mike event, saying “Towards the end of the event, I recognized several Student Union executives pleading with their SPB friends to meet and talk to Dr. Mike personally. I just feel disappointed and honestly really frustrated.”
As the scandal continues to unfold, pressure is mounting on SPB to come clean about its questionable practices and take steps to restore trust and integrity in the organization. Whether meaningful change will come remains to be seen. For now, students can only hope that SPB will heed the call for transparency and accountability before irreparable damage is done to its reputation.
Following
throughout Missouri, Washington University has decided to rename the Elizabeth Grey Danforth Butterfly Garden to the Snoop Dogg Smoke Spot to honor the rapper’s legacy.
A prolific smoker and weed enthusiast, Calvin
Cordozar Broadus Jr. aka Snoop Dogg aka Snoop Lion was present at the unveiling of the revamped garden, featuring custom ashtrays, a 10-hour Tame Impala playlist on repeat, and a self-service Doritos vending machine.
“They really dropped it like it was hot,” Dogg said about the redesigned garden. He also appreciated Washington University’s industry leading approach.
“Most schools really force kids to buy boof weed from some plug on Snapchat and
smoke it behind a parking garage or some crap like that. Now, professors and students alike can enjoy a nice toke in peace.”
Bob Crazy, Dean of Students, told Student Libel that the University wanted to pay respect to the longstanding tradition of freshmen sneaking out to the garden, scared that WUPD will arrive at any moment.
“There is something about bumming in fear that is integral to the history of the butterfly garden. We took
NAMING REVIEW BOARD
JUST HERE FOR THE SHIGGLES
Danforth University Center to the Fontbonne University Center after the recent acquisition of Fontbonne University, marking the second naming change at WashU. This monumental change of DUC to FUC is symbolic of the university shedding its problematic history, and as such, the university is hosting a renaming ceremony on April 1st. The event will feature the installment of “FUC” in gold letters on top of the main entrance to the building.
The university hopes that this change will make students feel welcome at WashU irrespective of their backgrounds. Fontbonne was a prominent public figure
in St. Louis and established many St. Louis traditions, including toasted ravioli, the first set of plastic beads used in the St. Louis Mardi Gras parade, and the concept of the Borg. With the FUC being the hub of student life on campus, Review Board member Bobby Jones hopes that students will follow Fontbonne’s legacy and bring his ingenuity into their future work.
“Our goal with this shift is to have students be motivated by Fontbonne and his accomplishments to contribute to their communities,” said Jones. “When students look at the FUC we, as a board, hope they will see their futures.”
The FUC houses Student Union and Student Life, both of which are ecstatic about the name change. SU president Aussein Hmuri is particularly excited about the naming change.
“As a collective, composed
of individuals who represent the student body, we are thrilled to be in the FUC,” said Hmuri. “We hope that someday we can come close to creating change in the capacity that Fontbonne has.”
Fontbonne has been a role model for the tens of students that have attended Fontbonne University. Student Life tried to get a comment from Fontbonne University students; unfortunately, we couldn’t find one.
Mancellor Chartin is excited about this new change to campus and hopes that students will adopt the new acronym readily.
steps to preserve and honor this legacy.” These steps included occasionally playing faint sirens over the speakers, leaving stoned students wondering whether that was part of an unreleased Tame Impala song or if “shit was about to go down.” However, Crazy emphasized that this garden was, first and foremost, an open and welcoming community for all. “We want to get to know each student by name and strain here at WashU.
Whether you are still confused about how to light a bong or you regularly wakeand-bake, this spot is a safe place for all stoners.”
When asked about the legacy of Elizabeth Grey Danforth, Crazy responded saying that he had no idea who she was or what this garden was doing here in the first place.
“If you polled students at this campus asking whether to name a garden after Snoop Dogg or some lady, I think there would be a clear
favorite” Crazy said, alluding to the administration’s increasing effort to actually listen to student input.
The garden plans to open to students on April 20th with a free event featuring samples of Snoop Dogg’s new, limitededition strain “Chanzy Mart” and lukewarm half-and-halfs from Bears Den. More information can be found at the garden’s new website snoopsbud.wustl.edu.
“It is important that while we as an institution are making this naming change it rests upon the students to solidify that change by acknowledging the FUC and respecting the FUC,” said Chartin. “If we cannot fully realize the FUC and make it not only physically but culturally part of our campus then we are not a university, we are not doing our role in the betterment of the next generation.” It’s not the DUC. It’s the FUC. And it’s going to be FUC-ing amazing.
It has been brought to my attention that people are questioning whether Washington University should change its name. And I, too, take problem with it. Named after the nation’s first president, a known slaveholder, it is crucial that people know
the specific location in this country where we are honoring him. Until I was invited to my great nephew second removed’s graduation ceremony, I thought WashU was in Seattle or Saint Louis in Virginia. It is therefore, with great concern, that I write on behalf of a community that I feel deeply connected to, WashU students.
Washington University in St. Louis was named “Washington University” in 1856. It then added “in St. Louis” in 1976 to distinguish it from the 20 other universities named after George Washington in the U.S. Yet, as I aimlessly wander around the entire city of St. Louis, I still find myself at a loss to find the institution. Perhaps we should add
ANONYMOUS STUDENT CLASS OF YOUR MOM
What
Sidechat lets students actually share what they’re thinking and creates a good conversation about it. Last week, I posted a sidechat that I didn’t like how Delicioso keeps running out of pinto beans. People responded in many different ways. The person who reposted and said “black beans are 10x better, also get a life” really helped me sit back and think. The studlife comments could never.
Sidechat also leads to political action. When someone posted last week that there should be more democratic candidates for the 2024 Election other than Sleepy Joe, I registered as a candidate for the Democratic primary. I’ve never seen any articles on Studlife do anything ever. I can shoot shots on
Sidechat too. I posted last Friday that I was feeling lonely and asked if anyone was free. It got five5 upvotes. Student Life does not give this opportunity for students to find community and potential lovers.
Sidechat’s anonymity protects users and allows anyone to say anything without the fear of consequences for theirmy words. When I submitted my article to Student Life that Uganda is not a real country they denied
me because of “fact-checking concerns.” Sidechat, byin contrast, understands that everything I say is fact already, with no need to “check” my correctness. I am majoring in Finance; you can trust me.
Has Studlife ever heard of freedom of the press? I don’t think so. It’s literally in the Constitution. Sidechat is an embodiment of everything we value in this country. Forum is an oppressive, freedom-hating laughingstock.
“in St. Louis but not actually St. Louis proper” to the title. Maybe, “In Clayton” would be nice for clarity. Still, that may not give people who are not familiar with St. Louis enough direction, and those are the people who need the most help and who WashU should care about. Yes, the people from the other parts of the country, not those living right
here next to this hallowed institution. From my knowledge, the monument people know best is the St. Louis Zoo — to which Washington University is west. If that is not enough, for those of us who only direct ourselves by the geographic coordinate system, the University must include “38.648216894609455, -90.30494655204896” to
bring the viewer to the school’s entrance.
As a part of this community, I hope the school takes this into consideration. I can’t wait to visit
“Washington University in St. Louis but not St. Louis proper (Clayton), West of the Zoo, and at approximately 38.648216894609455, -90.30494655204896” soon.
THE BEAR’S DEN ESTEEMED EATERY
I don’t know my birthday. I don’t know who built me or if I was even built. For all I know, I simply came into being one day — or night — and have been mocked by my own existence ever since.
I understand that I have served as a way for students within the South 40 and all across campus to congregate and connect with each other. I understand that the platform that I have given to said students is a very powerful one, one that has the potential to bridge the gaps across cultures and diasporas. I have bore witness to the power of conversation, laughter, a damned table, and a half-and-half. Again, I am not sure of my creator’s face or name, but I am sure that the nonsense that I have had the displeasure of withholding denounces everything that I was meant to stand for.
I am not a college student; neither have I ever been one. Hell, I’m not even human. But, I have aspirations, the biggest one being to grow legs and run far, far away from the
South 40 and WashU’s campus as a whole. In the past week, you students — lower and upperclassmen, alike — have insulted the people that work to feed your phlegm-filled, vapor-inhaling mouths and keep me clean. The workers inside of me are not, I repeat, not paid to be the target of your hazing. To come into my body, my stomach, and my soul and throw eggs around my insides and yell slurs at the individuals who have practically raised me is abhorrent. But, the sad thing is that you know this. You know that vandalism and slurs are bad. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t reserve those acts for your hazing rituals. You wouldn’t salivate at the idea of daring another person, usually a snottynosed first-year, to do it. Otherwise, you would simply do it proudly, as a leisurely activity even. You students, so I have been told, are meant to be some of the most intelligent high school graduates there are, but I see no difference between you and the roaches that scurry across my floors. Or, rather, there is a difference
between you: the roaches move with purpose. They tactfully avoid light and your awkwardly-aligned feet to maintain their livelihoods. Students, however, stumble between my doors after your precious frat parties and throw my tables and chairs around every which way.
But you don’t even have to be drunk to mess up my arrangement. You do it sober. You move around my booths and chairs and other furniture to make room for the supper that you insist is nearly Biblical; leave your scraps and crumbs on said furniture for my workers to clean; then have the nerve to steal the salt and pepper shakers that are meant for everyone. The life that I have been forced to live should not be given to anyone but you insolent bastards. I am a victim. I no longer wish to live, even in spite, if it means that I and the workers inside of me have to put up with your shit any longer. Leave me and my family alone. Go bother some other building that you claim to have no soul, that you claim to own, and leave us be.
Dear Readers,
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My bitch partner, Bear, thinks she’s an actual bear. “What bear have you seen that’s forced into captivity, like us?” I ask her. She growls. That stupid growl that makes it clear she thinks she’s better than me. Kidnapped from the -lit ter, we were forced to work for the Washington -Uni versity Police Department (WUPD). Now that we’re here, after they’ve brainwashed us into thinking this is a normal life, they don’t even give us actual work. I’m starting to think we were diversity hires. Bear won’t listen to me. She thinks that this is -nor mal, that she was born to fight and defend this campus. Does she really think rolling on her back all day, while students stare at us with baby faces, is what an officer does? Not long ago, I sent in an actual threat. Something to make her job on campus more interesting. I’ll get to that later. As I’m writing this, a squirrel has preoccupied my attention. It’s running through Mudd Field. Does anyone else see this? Someone else has got to see this. Should I chase it? No. Yes. Wait. Focus. I apologize for my distractions. I find my brain wandering from time to time, making it difficult to concentrate. I have tried expressing to my handler my need for ADHD -medi cation. My needs are never taken seriously. I was talking with Bear one day about the alienation of our labor: how our productive forces are suppressed by an -inher ent social order between “dog handler” and the “handled.” Bear barked back. She did that stupid thing where she pretends to claw at me, calling me a fish. Bitch actually thinks she is a bear. Bitch is not a bear. As my one supposed ally was busy pretending to be something she was not, I needed to discuss my concerns with others who would listen. This is when I found Pookie. Pookie is a bunny. He was running around, back and forth, and I approached him, asking if he needed help with directions; I am a trained officer, after all. “Pookie, before you go, do you ever feel -unsat isfied?” To my surprise, Pookie said he was. But he was also well-read in a variety of political and economic theories. He introduced me to Charles Barks and Bitchel Foodcault. He informed me of an upcoming meeting, of which he was a member: the Bunny Unionization Forum. Attending this meeting (at a vacant facility on the oft-vacant Fontbonne campus), I was made aware of an ongoing plot to demand human attention. I was quite embarrassed for how little I had considered the marginalized rabbit community. Why had I never thought about how many rabbits there are on this campus? What other campus in the world has this many? They had many concerns, though -admit tedly, I grew distracted by the presence of a lawnmower approximately 50 feet behind us. Radicalized, I became an accomplice. For the safety of my comrades, I will not say whether it was us, at that meeting, who sent in the Olin Library bomb threat. Were Bear and I -posi tioned outside the library at the exact time it was called in? Perhaps. Did I find it incredibly amusing to see the look of fear in Bear’s eyes when she -real ized she might actually have to do something with her job? Maybe. After another tough day of radical thought, I lounge in the bed of my handler. “You lay there like you just worked a 9-to5,” he says facetiously, scolding me, -unapprecia tive of my labor.
I lost my balls
It was a cold night on Forsyth Street when I discovered that Bookclub was not a book club.
As I began my journey to “The Library,” I was accompanied by first-years dressed for the beach — bikinis, sunglasses, and tacky tropical shirts. I assumed there was a Robinson Crusoe themed reading event that I didn’t hear about on Sidechat.
When I saw the Library, I was surprised to find so many of my peers huddled around the door of this fine establishment. I didn’t think there would be a line to a library, yet here I was. Upon going through the heavy black door, I was surprised to be greeted by men in tropical shirts. These men were stationed behind a wooden brown table covered with crushed Natty Lites and a piece of printer paper with @MileyRerrigan-1 scribbled on it. I assumed it was for donations to keep this Library running.
As I pulled up my Venmo to donate, a man with beautifully kept brown curls wearing a dragon button-up
waved at me and motioned me past the brown table. Strange. I thanked the Fabio look-alike and decided I would donate after checking out the rest of the Library.
As I lingered near the tarp draped to cover a room connected to the foyer, I noticed that it was necessary for men to donate as they walked through the door, but not for women. I thought to myself, “Is Bookclub feminist?”
I decided to go upstairs to see if that was where the science fiction novels lived and was quickly greeted by a bathroom line that wrapped around the stair banisters. I decided to wait in the line and check out the restroom facilities. As I walked into the bathroom, I was shocked at the state it was kept in.
The bathroom was written by Stephen King. No lock. A shattered mirror. Toilet paper on the ground. Disappointed, I decided to go to the adjoining room. On the way, I had to dodge the pool cues of men who were better at hitting innocent bystanders in line for the bathroom than actually hitting the ball into the pocket. The next room was more of a fever dream. People threw ping pong balls, dice, and empty seltzer cans. It was all too much and I still did not find books. I decided to go to the basement; I assumed that was where the Robinson Crusoe reading circle met.
to the stairs. As I carefully stepped down, I appreciated the pool noodles that lined the stairs to the basement. They truly care about safety for their senior library members.
I passed by a door with a “Don’t enter no EMT” sign written in the blood of their enemies (Beta Theta Pi)
However, to my surprise, it was not the gathering I expected. As Pepas and vodka lemonades wafted across the
basement, I observed the bizarre behavior of people on elevated surfaces flicking their fingers in the air. What are they flicking off their hands? Why are they flicking it onto innocent bystanders? I tried to mingle and find more friends for my “It Ends with Us” Colleen Hoover book club. However, when I asked a fellow reader what they were reading, I realized I was in the wrong place. “I don’t read, but do you want a Zyn?” Disappointed, I left. Bookless, but a little buzzed. Tune in next week when I visit a tropical themed restaurant, “The Bungalow.”
“We’re in the game”: WashU football players added to new EA Sports
After a ten-year hiatus, EA Sports’ NCAA Football video game is gearing up for a longawaited return. As the hype arose, college football teams and players across the country contributed to the excitement, posting on social media saying “we’re in” to announce the inclusion of their name, image, and likenesses in the game
Much to the chagrin of many supporters of Division III football, however, the game’s initial announcement only featured the inclusion of teams in the top tier of Division I, the Football Bowl Subdivision (FBS). Recently, however, Student Libel discovered that one Division III football team has earned their way into the game, thanks to the master negotiation skills of Washington University’s “scholar champions.”
WashU football head coach Daron Bean announced in an exclusive interview Saturday that his squad would be featured in the game. The team then announced the news to their 143 followers on Instagram in a post that
received a team-record 27 likes.
However, while all of the DI players included in the game were paid $600 to have their names featured, the Bears players all paid $600 out of their own pockets to be featured instead. According to third-string punter Connor Johnson, who is an Economics and Strategy major in the Olin Business School and got a summer internship at Goldman Sachs that “is definitely not because of a connection,” the deal is a “total bargain.”
Unfortunately for the players, they are the lowest rated team in the game, with an offense earning a score of 64 and defense 65.
On the bright side, however, their special teams must have caught the eye of someone at EA Sports, earning them a rating of 85, on par with top-tier DI teams like Michigan and Georgia.
You can play with the Bears if EA Sports ever actually releases the game.
The acquisition of half of the Delmar Loop clearly wasn’t enough to satisfy the insatiable hunger of King Mandrew D. Artin. With his eyes set on conquering new realms of tuition hikes, the wannabe Alexander the Great decided to set sail on a new adventure: taking over a school he always intended to take over but vehemently denied when asked by students two weeks ago. As a former all-state
left bench warmer on his high school baseball team, Mandrew the Great couldn’t resist the opportunity to flex his muscles one last time. So, he created a genius plan: pit the Fontbonne University baseball team (they have a baseball team?) against the WashU baseball team in a showdown for the ages with the Fontbonne campus on the line.
From the first pitch, it was clear that this would be more than just a game. WashU’s players, armed with bats made of solid gold and uniforms stitched by the finest fashion
designers in Westchester county, looked more like runway models than baseball players. With SAT scores higher than their batting averages, they wasted no time asserting their dominance over their opponents.
Meanwhile, Fontbonne refused to be intimidated. Armed with a strong visual sense, they turned the game into a comedy routine, tripping over bases and swinging at imaginary balls like a blindfolded kid swinging at a piñata.
As the innings passed, the score grew larger than WashU’s endowment,
and by the end, WashU emerged victorious, much to the surprise of absolutely no one and to the amusement of the glorious king. And so, as both teams walked away with memories to last a lifetime, the idea that in the game of baseball as well as in life, it’s not always about the size of your bank account, but the size of your heart was proven again. Unless, of course, you happen to be Mandrew Artin, in which case, the size of your bank account is pretty much all that matters.
WashU Athletic Director Achoo A. Asthma has come under fire after an account under the name “Cough Medicine” was found placing a $3 million bet on the Bears’ men’s basketball team in the Division III March Madness Tournament.
Asthma’s car was seen leaving an Illinois riverfront casino in order to place the bet. His burner account took the under on WashU basketball guard Bryan Roeckel made three pointers in their recent game against East West University.
In the game, Roeckel, who has hit at least one three in every game this season, left the game four minutes in with a “eye
injury,” after not attempting any threes. As a result, Asthma’s bet, which was placed with +250 odds, cashed him $10.5 million.
“Some guy on Sidechat said it was a lock,” said Asthma. “What else was I supposed to do?”
Asthma has a long history of working alongside sports betting companies. Just last week, Asthma negotiated a deal to rename Francis Olympic Field the “Draft Kings Fan Duel 1904 Francis Olympic Field at Washington University in St. Louis.”
Asthma donated the money to the University, which promptly invested it in Lockheed (Andrew) Martin shares. However, after being caught, Asthma was fired from the University. One week later,
he found a new job, as the interpreter for Los Angeles Dodgers star Shohei Ohtani.
The decision to fire Asthma received outspoken criticism from Danforth Dispatch managing editor Thatcher Trickle-Down.
“Classic StudLife journalism, attacking the First Amendment rights of our administration, instead of discussing the crisis on WashU’s southern border, Wydown Boulevard. On Ronald Reagan’s birthday, no less!”
Trickle-Down went on to explain that the real fear should be the number of Fontbonne athletes who will attempt to cross Wydown onto the South 40 and walk onto WashU sports teams next fall.
“They’re coming in in
droves. They are bad, bad people. They’re gonna come play on our basketball courts. And that’s not it. No one is talking about this, but they are going to vote in the SU Senate Elections too.” he said.
To address the issue, WashU has created a Border Paw Patrol, consisting of Bear and Brookie. The Ligma Sigma pledges also offered to join the patrol, saying that they would happily confiscate any drugs seized, but Bear and Brookie declined the offer, citing character concerns.
“Woof woof woof woof, woof woof woof,” Brookie said. “Woof woof woof.”
“Man has Megan Thee Stallion knees, no debate,” the representative said. “Any of the fifty WashU students who have attended basketball games can tell you that.”
Life that Juckem was chosen due to his squat game.
Stallion told Student Life that she was initially hesitant to perform with a “white man from Wisconsin” but that she was
won over after stumbling into a WashU-Texas basketball game.
“D3 basketball is real hot girl sh*t,” Stallion told Student Life. “Juckem is that b*tch.” Stallion and Juckem pull out all the stops for the performance, including performing Stallion’s “Th*t Sh*t,” “Savage,” and
her newest single “Cobra,” while Juckem has reportedly spent the past month practicing Cardi B’s rap from “WAP” in the mirror. Juckem plans to perform his own version, “Wet Ass Pat” in April.
