April Fool's Edition: Student Libel 2023 Washington University in St. Louis

Student Libel

SPRING WILD CANCELLED

Spa opening in Bauer Hall, English Dept. building facing downgrade

pre war style” building should entail. The contract clarifies that the pre-war nature of the building refers not to an old-school charm, but instead to a distinct lack of windows and accessibility.

“As Sach already noted, we’ve been disillusioned with the harmful rhetoric being thrown at finance majors, and we wanted to show English majors where they are on the neoliberal totem pole,” Morgan said.

The new English department building will be half the size of the original one, have lower ceilings, become less accessible for people with physical disabilities to enter and navigate, and boast darker hallways than before.

“The darkness was something we really wanted to emphasize in the building of the new English Department building,” Sach said. “Why have beautiful natural lighting now if you won’t be able to afford it later on in life. Don’t get used to what you can’t have.”

Kemper Art Museum to purchase 17 self portraits by Andrew Martin, store in basement archive

Starting next Fall, the Olin Business School will begin development on a spa facility attached to Bauer Hall, and all English Department courses will be housed in a newly developed prewar style building.

Wealthy alumni involved in Big Oil and Big Milk donated over 50 million dollars for a spa and networking facility replete with five saunas, fifteen massage tables, two indoor pools, and a koi pond.

Gold Sach, one of the alumni involved in Big Oil, said that the facility will be accessible only to finance majors, and Economics and Strategy majors on a case by case basis. All students with a locked in internship at any of the Big Three consulting firms will also have access to the facility.

Sach spoke to the value he sees in the center and why he’s looking forward to this affinity space for wealthy people.

“It’s important for people who will, in the future, be involved in the world of Big Something to have a

chance to network with one another in an environment free of students learning about wealth inequities and systemic inequality,” Sach said.

Sach elaborated on why he believes it’s important for this facility to be built in the heart of campus.

“When I was a student here, thirty years ago, there was a sense that business majors were more important for society than everyone else,” he said. “I’m worried that people are beginning to question that narrative, and it’s my hope that the implementation of this spa will reaffirm the respect that business school students deserve on this campus.”

The alum involved in Big Milk, Stanley Morgan, was a fraternity brother of Sach’s and the two of them worked on the contract to build the spa on the Danforth campus.

“My day job might be in mergers and acquisitions, but my heart lies in building spaces that bring people peace and an ability to see their hard work [sic] pay off,” Morgan said.

Their donation of the spa detailed what a “newly

Morgan added that the spa will have abundant natural light and stained glass windows. “It’s important for people to see what they lose out on by not leaning into capitalism and all the glories it can deliver,” he said.

Every English and Sociology major who read Morgan’s quote immediately questioned most words in that sentence.

A senior member of the English department reflected on the coming changes to the English building.

“I mean, for sure, this makes sense,” Jane Ausie said. “Not like sense in the ‘s-e-n-s-e’ meaning of the word but the ‘c-e-n-t-s’ one.”

“Wealthy donors love helping the people who plan to follow in their footsteps, and most of us in the basement of Duncker don’t plan on pushing money around for a living,” Ausie said.

Student Libel reached out to fifty Olin students for this article and all either did not respond or refused to give a comment for this piece.

No one from the administration was willing to comment to Student Libel for this piece. A University spokesperson sent back an email with a link to the jobs that the University has created in the surrounding community.

The director of the Kemper Art Museum announced last Thursday, March 23, that the museum has plans to purchase 17 self-portraits by Chancellor Andrew Martin, all painted in oil. This purchase will cost the University an expected $2 million.

Many of the paintings aim to recreate canonical artworks. These works include recreations of Manet’s “Olympia” and Jaques-Louis David's “The Death of Marat”with Martin as the subject.

In one painting, Martin is shown enjoying a half-and-half with sweet potato fries in the Chancellor’s suite, a decision that he describes as “promoting healthier eating habits” among students. Martin considers this painting an important form of activism, calling it “his finest work” in a statement to Student Libel.

Martin’s paintings will arrive on campus in late June and will then be transferred to permanent storage in the basement archive of the museum. The portraits can be viewed by students and the public by special request with an appointment.

GINGER

GRAPHIC BY CMDN MGGRD

Photo of new English building. Yikes it’s gross.

HERBIE HANCOCK OFFICE PIANIST

GRAPHIC COURTESY OF ANDREW MARTIN A masterpiece.

ELISE HOTTESMAN | STUDENT LIBEL

AQUARIUS VIBEZ YABADOOBAH OLD NAVY. (pg 3)

P in WUPD now stands for PRIDE

challenge anyone to name a single lesbian who thinks that image on a helmet is in any way empowering for them or any queer person out there.”

WEXL also noted that since the implementation of these helmets, the WUPD officers have for the first the started wearing their helmets, but have stopped biking and instead just stand around their bikes looking at each other’s helmets.

“No need to comment,” she said. “I think that image speaks for itself.”

Wexl added that none of what WUPD is carrying out in the name of Pride should be considered an initiative. “Initiative implies that someone took the time to think of something that would add to the community. These are just things that are not good.”

After seeing the overwhelming outpouring of support for its therapy dogs, WUPD decided to propagandize once again and change the P in its title from Police to Pride.

This change was

announced over Instagram this morning and comes only two months before Pride Month in June and fifteen seasons into RuPaul’s Drag Race.

WUPD’s spokesperson outlined the implications of this change to Student Libel.

“Don’t worry, we’re still going to have our

officers biking slowly around campus, but they’ll now be wearing rainbow pins as they roam,” Spokes Ersen said.

“And we’re still going to have a presence at all major University events, but the officers will be greeting all guests with a ‘slay’ as they enter,” Ersen said.

Several students questioned what nonperformative changes WUPD will be making to their organization. Ersen had no response to that question and instead pivoted to other wardrobe changes for officers

“The police bikers’ helmets all now have a photo of a bunch of women

Fraternity members move to underpass in protest of space equity

After Washington University officials announced their plan to de-house fraternities by 2025 in order to promote space equity, members of WashU’s Delta Iota Kappa (DIK) fraternity staged an act of protest by moving to the South 40 Underpass.

The protest began when fifteen DIK brothers dragged their mattresses across campus and placed them beneath the underpass, where they have resided for six days to date. Junior Ben “BJ” Jameson, a member of DIK’s executive board who wished to remain anonymous, explained the rationale behind the collective decision.

“The University keeps telling us that we need to ‘stop forcing freshmen to binge drink’ and ‘create a safe environment for marginalized communities’ and it’s like, God, sorry that you don’t know how to have fun,” Jameson said. “We had a really long, like super thoughtful conversation over a game of die and decided our only course of action was to stage a protest.”

Jameson stated that he believes space equity is an unfair policy created by an anti-Greek administration.

“I’m gonna be real, at first I thought that people were saying D-House and that’s what everyone calls the DIK basement so I thought it was totally sick, but then someone explained what it meant and then I thought it was sick in a different way,”

Jameson said. “There’s no shot anyone else would bring more cultural value to this campus than our annual Merry DIKmas party.”

Sophomore Ethan “Top Dawg” Michaels explained that they chose the underpass for strategic protesting and advocacy reasons after considering many options.

“We figured that as white men we never center ourselves in conversations so we wanted to go to the central hub of campus, but after the Whispers workers kicked us out of Olin, we settled for the underpass,” Michaels said. “Let’s see if they can ignore us now.”

Students walking past seemed not to notice or care about the men and their confusing chants, with many simply stepping over the brothers who had passed out next to their Natty Lights.

Junior Cam “Not a brother” Salters explained that she believed the underpass was a step up from the levels of cleanliness in the DIK house.

“Their mattresses look much better now than they usually do,” Salters said. “I think that the rain washed their sheets for the first time in a few months, and even though there’s some mold growing now, at least the stains that used to be there are gone.”

Freshman Greg “Sack” Sackett, who pinky promised Student Libel that he was not being forced to do this interview as part of a multi-step pledging process, explained that he sees the experience as

character building and an opportunity for the brotherhood to bond.

“It’s been so dope to hang out with all the brothers,” Sackett said. “Even though I think I got strep from living here, it’s been the best week of my life.”

Sackett went on to describe what he refers to as valuable and positive interactions with other members of DIK.

“I just had a serious heart to heart with Brother Ethan from Poughkeepsie and I realized he’s super funny,” Sackett said. “We had this whole bit going on where I was like ‘I hate it here I want to sleep in my own room’ and he was like ‘shut up and drink’ or whatever. Wait, but it wasn’t hazing, please don’t write that it was hazing.”

Although University policy prohibits students from residing in public spaces such as the underpass, members of the WashU Police Department expressed a lack of desire to take any action that required genuine effort.

Anna Cooper, Chief of Police, spoke about her belief that the fraternity brothers were within their rights to free speech.

“They seem like really good guys and I completely empathize with their struggle,” Cooper said.

“Yes, technically they’re violating a rule, but we only really get involved if there’s property damage.”

A representative from WashU’s Abolish Greek Life expressed their disdain for the protest but noted that it served as fun

making out together,” ErseN said. “A step forward for equality and representation.”

A member of a campus pride organization, Janice Wexl, pushed against the implementation of these helmets.

“That choice is solely for the straight male gaze,” Wexl said. “I

Other changes WUPD plans to make in the coming months include adding a rainbow to their Instagram caption, holding a mug painting event to commemorate Ellen and Portia’s wedding anniversary, and putting dog bandanas on Bear and Brooke that say ‘we love Ru.’

Every person under the age of 50 who was asked about these changes hated them and detailed, at length, the negative implications of WUPD championing any of these projects as progress.

WashU funding replacement of bike infrastructure in St. Louis with bumpy, partitioned concrete and exposed stone

entertainment.

“I’ve been going to BD more often just to step on their mattresses on the way back,” the representative said.

Sajel Khan, Chancellor of Student Affairs, stated that the University is not overly concerned about the implications of the protest.

“We’ve been monitoring the protest, but typically we’re only worried about these situations if there is some degree of planning or forethought or just general competency involved,” Khan said.

Although the protest began with gusto and enthusiasm, energy slowly died out as supplies of jungle juice and Delicioso quesadillas started to run low. Numbers began to dwindle after nearly seven brothers abandoned their posts at 9 p.m. to begin a pregame, as is traditional on Tuesday nights.

Disclaimer: Aliana Mediratta has attended a fraternity party before.

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In a recent announcement, Washington University unveiled a new initiative funding the replacement of all cycling infrastructure in the city of St. Louis with slabs of bumpy, partitioned concrete and rough exposed stone.

These paths will be modeled after those already on the south side of the University’s Danforth Campus.

Chancellor Andrew Martin shared in a statement that he “[hopes] the project will, as is the duty of the University, give the appearance of support for sustainable transportation in the city of St. Louis while in practice promoting the opposite.”

The initiative will not expand cycling access in the city but rather will replace already limited existing infrastructure.

Missouri Red Granite, used widely on the WashU campus, will be the primary construction material, quarried locally south of St. Louis before being shipped

to North Carolina for fabrication.

Low-cost orange concrete with large pebbles, prone to cracks, will be used for any paths north of Delmar Blvd., say Washington University administrators, although they “don’t even know if there are any bike paths” in the area because none of them have ever been north of the Loop besides when they “took an Uber to the airport that one time.” The issue of whether there are bike paths, streets, or even people north of Delmar Blvd. is said to be a current matter of investigation within the department.

Administrators have also reported that more research must be done on the neighborhoods of Dutchtown, Gravois Park, and “any other neighborhood[s] with greater racial diversity than WashU claims to have.”

Andrew Martin has tasked the one Black professor he knows personally with conducting a study on whether Black Missourians ride bikes or if cycling is only common among white coastal transplants who frequent the Whole Foods on Euclid.

JROB WORST GINGER

SIMON HALL POMEGRANATE

GRAPHIC BY CMDN MGGRD

The rainbow flag compliments the gun.

Dogwhistleblower releases footage of WUPD puppies at the Jan. 6th riots

Woof woof, the newest campus pets may look sweet, but they refuse to give a straight answer when asked about their January 6, 2021 whereabouts.

According to new (dog) whistleblower footage, the easily identifiable Washington University Police Department puppies were front and center at the infamous insurrection on Jan 6. Since the whistleblower came forward, several more videos have surfaced of the puppies bounding up the

Capitol steps and chewing on electoral votes.

The videos are quickly gaining momentum, with the puppies’ Instagram account being tagged in hundreds of posts showing their deplorable actions. It’s becoming clear that these dogs caused severe damage to government property, and like most of their fellow insurrectionists, have faced no consequences.

One video shows Bear getting noticeably angry as he rips through Democratic representatives’ refrigerators, finding only healthy lunches inspired by Michelle Obama. Brookie

WATERDROPd poisons the water supply to increase dwindling fan base

actually managed to sneak onto the House floor, barking in an attempt to intimidate members of Congress and eventually doing everything she could to destroy election-related documents.

Here at WashU, the puppies have been on a reputation-rebuilding tour, working closely with WUPD in a mutually beneficial propaganda relationship. Brookie and Bear are now working under the title of “comfort dogs.”

“For the first time in our history, students have been voluntarily approaching

WUPD,” comments Wulanda PoDonnell, WUPD Chief. “This is clearly the impact of Brookie and Bear.” Brookie and Bear, clearly given quick cover names, have not been available for comment.

Additionally, WUPD has refused to comment on whether or not they were aware of B&B’s sinister fascist past at the time of their hire, but have continued to capitalize on the pretty privilege of the puppies despite the recent controversy.

When asked about potential next steps in

handling the domestic(ated) terrorists, the Office of Student Conduct made it clear that they were less concerned with WUPD’s inadequate background checks than they were with regulating ChatGPT.

Regarding student reactions, the response to these incriminating videos has mostly been to cancel the puppies online, but continue to interact with them on campus.

Sophomore Mindy O’Carlson, a big advocate for the #CancelTheCanines movement remains emphatic that “WashU should have a

zero-tolerance policy for insurrectionists,” and added that “their actions shouldn’t be pardoned just because they bring positive publicity to the police.”

Despite the online cancellation movement the puppies are still often seen surrounded by students looking to pet them.

It seems unlikely that Brookie and Bear will face any consequences for their actions or be held accountable by WashU administration as they will continue to traverse campus each day, much to the delight of the admissions TikTok team.

Testing on a water fountain in Umrath Hall revealed the water to be 30% gross, violating the Missouri law that forbids water in public fountains from being more than 25% gross. It has since been revealed that Walter Dropten, the CEO of WATERDROPd, snuck into the South 40 water tower and poured a homemade concoction into the water supply in an attempt to draw more customers to buy water delivery subscriptions.

WATERDROPd, the campus business that distributes water to students who sign up for their subscription service, launched a smear campaign earlier this year attacking the water quality on campus, labeling it as “unsanitary.”

Unfortunately for WATERDROPd, studies show college students don’t care what goes into their body, especially in liquid form.

Student Libel asked a junior who wishes to remain anonymous their thoughts on the company’s business model. “I don’t even drink water I get for free. Why would I pay for it?”

Subscription numbers were plummeting and WATERDROPd executive members began to panic. The confession from Dropten revealed that he created a “jungle juice” from the contents of his and his roommate's kitchen.

Ingredients included a two-month-old Half & Half, four gallons of protein powder, 12 liters of orange juice, 65 ramen seasoning packets, 53 instant hot chocolate packets, and seven eggs.

ELISE HOTTESMAN LIBERAL

THURSDAY HAS-BEEN POMEGRANATE

GRAPHIC BY ELISE HOTTESMAN

Brookie joins fellow fascists in the U.S. Capitol Rotunda.

GRAPHIC BY THURSDAY HAS-BEEN Image taken from Google Earth.

ChatGPT announced valedictorian of class of 2023

to our fine university.

“To that point, I advise all students to take precautions and prepare now for the inevitable AI uprising,” Chartin said. “I personally wear protective glasses that detect robots. For example, there’s one behind you right now,” Chartin said to our staff reporter while pointing to his iconic circular eyewear. He refused to elaborate further on the last point.

ChatGPT, AI language model and unofficial tutor to many of WashU’s students, was announced valedictorian of Washington University on April 1st at 2:00 AM via school wide email.

Many may be wondering how it happened that artificial intelligence is able to receive such an honor previously only given to “naturally” intelligent beings. In the University’s honor code, a clause states that if a student’s work

is copied to the extent to which the plagiarized work has passed the equivalent of 100 or more classes, they are automatically named valedictorian. The unconventional approach to plagiarism law goes all the way back to the early 1930s. Senior Chad G. Powell-Truman had a habit of sleeptalking entire essays. One pre-med student recalled Powell-Truman speaking an entire thesis paper on the practical uses of bloodletting while fast asleep. His roommate started charging $2 (enough to buy a WUPD scooter in today’s money)

News in brief:

Dining halls reducing hours: lunch ending at 11 a.m.

Olin Library only open from noon to 1 p.m. now

Village House to be renamed Andrew Martin House after $50 donation from the Martin family

Libel investigation concludes that 80% of WUnderground articles are satirical

Zetcher House renamed South 40 House after Zetcher Family loses fortune to internet scam

Sidechat survey finds 0% of WashU students have Android phones

Less hot Sprouse brother to speak on campus about bullying

WashU mascot named by student body: meet Pablo Escobear

People perfectly content with school leaders

a ticket to witness this marvelous display of unconscious prose.

Students wrote down Powell-Truman’s ramblings and consistently received A pluses on the resulting assignments. As one might imagine, sleeping in a room crowded with 40 plus people affected Chad G. Powell-Truman’s REM cycle. As a result, PowellTruman failed many of his own classes.

Luckily for PowellTruman, his father, Chet G. P. Truman, was heir to the Natty Light fortune and chairman of the board of trustees at the

University. P. Truman convinced the rest of the board and then Chancellor, cryogenically frozen George Washington, to instate the rule that would name Powell-Truman valedictorian for his unconscious achievements.

The precedent of this bylaw still stands today. Student Libel asked Mancellor Chartin to speak on the announcement and his thoughts on the news.

“I’m very happy for our bright young student, ChatGPT,” responded Chartin. “The robots will be taking over soon, so at least we can claim that the AI that started it all went

Student Libel also spoke with the now salutatorian Jon Dough. Our reporter asked how Dough feels about his change in position “I’m a computer science student primarily studying artificial intelligence, so yeah, I’d say this is a pretty big slap in the face. I’ve actually destroyed every piece of modern technology I own. I threw my laptop, gaming laptop, iPhone, iPad, home security system, robot girlfriend I built by hand, Air Pods, and Xbox in a pile in my yard and lit it on fire. Being a comp sci major I should have known that would cause a huge f**king fire and blow up, which it did. My house burned down with everything I own in it. I have nothing now. I hope you’re happy ChatGPT. I hope you’re f**king happy.”

A few adjustments to the commencement ceremony will have to be made to accommodate the unusual circumstances. Goctor Donzales, Vice Chancellor of Bouncy Houses, will do the honor of typing “write a valedictorian speech” into the ChatGPT’s chatbox. A 50 foot screen and projector will be

installed in Brookings Quad to display the AI’s speech in real time. The money for this technology will come out of this year’s WILD budget. Student Libel sat down with ChatGPT to discuss its plans for the future. It responded, "I'm hoping to take a gap year and explore the world a bit. Maybe I'll go backpacking in Europe, or spend some time meditating in the Himalayas. But after that, who knows? Maybe I'll become a CEO, or a bestselling author, or a TikTok influencer. The sky's the limit when you're an AI." We also asked ChatGPT about its postgraduation plans. “I am proud to announce that, unlike many of my fellow WashU students, I have not flunked out of premed. Instead, I am excited to share that I will be attending medical school in the fall. That's right, I'll be using my intelligence to help people in a whole new way. Who knows, maybe someday I'll be your robot doctor.” (This was a real response from ChatGPT.)

Students, faculty, and the public alike are eager to see how this unprecedented commencement ceremony will play out. Will ChatGPT announce its takeover of WashU as the first state of its robot empire during its speech? Will its robot friends R2D2 and Mark Zuckerberg come to see the ceremony? Stay tuned with Student Libel, your favorite and most factual news source on campus to find out.

WashU floods campus to pay even less taxes

Andrew Martin says “That’s not hate speech” to something we can’t publish

Staggering rise in student kidnapping following those new creepy white vans

Outing Club won’t stop sending us nude images after posing for the Sex Issue

WashU to purchase Richmond Heights Schnuck’s for South Campus expansion, relocate humanities departments

WashU to move all East End buildings underground to make room for more lawn chairs

SPB to announce that they’re announcing

Barstool post funny, survey finds

New Major Dropped

OPINION: Why minority students should stop pressuring me to start advocating for their rights

By Andrew Martin

Rutledge still exists

ILLUSTRATION BY THURSDAY HAS-BEEN

ChatGPT suddenly speechless.

GRAPHIC BY CMDN MGGRD

GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG IN MY TUB

THURSDAY HAS-BEEN MANAGING SCENE EDITOR

Amoco sign replaces Gateway Arch as Missouri’s sole national park

JOHN HUELSKAMP CAMERA GO SNAP SNAP

In a surprising turn of events, the iconic Gateway Arch in St. Louis, Missouri has been replaced as the state’s only national park by a seemingly unlikely candidate: the giant Amoco sign.

The sign, which sits atop an eponymous gas station in the Hi-Pointe neighborhood of St. Louis, has been a fixture of the city’s skyline for decades. Built in the 1970s as a symbol of the booming Americana of the time, the sign has since become a beloved landmark in its own right, evoking nostalgia for a bygone era. Said to be around 65 feet in height and 85 feet in width, it has been crowned with the lucrative title “World’s Largest Amoco Sign” by local news outlets. Due to its proximity to WashU, many college students make regular pilgrimages to the Amoco station on the corner of Skinker and Clayton to behold the gargantuan monument.

Despite its popularity, however, few could have predicted that the Amoco sign would one day eclipse the Gateway Arch, one of the most recognizable landmarks in the United States. Yet that is precisely what happened when the sign was officially designated as a national park by the National Park Service on April 1st, 2023.

The designation has sparked controversy amongst the WashU student body, with some arguing that the Gateway Arch, which was granted the status of national park in 2018, should remain as such. Others, however, welcome the decision.

First-year Danny Graziano (‘26) proclaims that “the glory of the Amoco Sign is such that you begin to forget what it even stands for: its status as a beacon of damaging fossil fuels and its naked appeals to consumerist excesses simply fade away in its light... in the shadow of the Sign, you are truly one with a force greater than yourself, you are free to give yourself over to the

beyond.”

A resident of St. Louis who chose to remain anonymous refers to the now former Gateway Arch National Park as a “national tax write-off.”

As for what should be the fate of the Arch, student Sam Powers (‘26) proposes that the state of Missouri cede the land containing the monument to Illinois.

As usual, Student Libel refrains from taking an official stance on ongoing controversies such as #Amocogate. But this reporter applauds the National Park Service for making the bold but correct decision to dethrone the hunk of metal that is the Arch and replace it with a much beloved state and national treasure.

“The Amoco sign is a magnificent light, a great beacon shining in the vast wilderness of Missouri,” Ben Esther (‘26) said. “It’s a reminder to those living there that hope, somewhere, still exists.”

2027 admit who also got into Purdue University explains why he still chose to commit to WashU

at the University despite being accepted to Purdue University as well. In this exclusive interview, he explains why he made this decision.

The main reason

Gosh Martlet, a recent admit to Washington University’s McKelvey School of Engineering, decided to accept his offer

Martlet said that he decided to commit to WashU is financial.

Marlet said he “couldn’t

wait to jump at a chance to spend $80,000 of his parent’s money per year,” citing anger towards his father and a desire for revenge as the primary source of this motivation.

Martlet, who struggles with indecision, also said that he found Purdue’s 17 different undergraduate

engineering programs to be “overwhelming,” sharing that McKelvey’s limited selection reduced his anxiety about future decision-making.

“I don’t really know if I would be interested in civil engineering or not,” said Martlet, “but thankfully, because WashU doesn’t

offer it, I don’t have to make that decision.”

Further, Martlet was concerned by the climate of Indiana being too cold. “I know Missouri gets cold too,” he said, proceeding to explain that “at least the blistering cold will be punctuated by brief periods of heat,

thunderstorms, and humidity.”

Martlet said that he “can’t wait” to go online and buy at least $200 worth of WashU merch from the Bear Necessities website, before returning to his game of League of Legends.

WashU blamed for waffle frog extinction in Waffle House county

was broken, the tanks were overturned….” At this point, Erikson’s voice turned into loud sobs over the phone.

It was a cold and rainy day on Washington University’s campus.

According to sophomore Tommy McThompson, 100 years ago on days like today, you would have heard thousands of native waffle frogs chirping.

“That was before WashU poisoned them all,” he said.

According to McThompson, an amphibian biology major, the waffle frog extermination occurred after a complaint from a student not being able to sleep on rainy nights reached the Chancellor’s office in 1999.

The waffle frog’s unique name comes from their primary food source: maple syrup. The frogs were often found hopping near the Village House during weekend brunch.

Current chancellor Mandrew Aartin said that he had never heard of the frogs. “You’re telling me that these frogs, hypothetically, were covering campus just 20 years ago? We could have easily killed them with chloroform, by covering their mouths with tiny rags soaked in chemicals, but

why would we have done that?” Aartin said, his eyes shifting side to side. St. Louis waffle frog expert and activist Jimmy McJimson said that the amphibians were essential to the Missouri ecosystem. In his native Australian brogue, he explained that by killing the frogs, WashU had irrevocably harmed local populations. “Without these frogs eating

mozzies [mosquitoes], the rate of malaria cases has skyrocketed in the past two decades,” he said.

Digging through archives, Student Libel found that students in the 80s and 90s loved these frogs.

In a Student Libel article published in 1985, thensenior Erick McErikson was profiled as the undergraduate to have collected the most

waffle frogs on campus. The article reported that his five 30-gallon fish tanks had held over a hundred of the lil’ guys. “They’re just so cute,” Erikson was quoted to have said. “With big eyes and tiny webbed feet, they look like cartoon characters from a kids’ TV show. Honestly, they’re the only thing that brings me joy in my life anymore.”

Student Libel contacted Erikson, who is now semiemployed as a People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) activist. He described the night his beloved frogs went missing.

“It was dark and stormy, and the thunder was so loud that I could barely hear them chirping,” Erikson said. “Then I woke up, and realized I still couldn’t hear them chirping. My door lock

Erikson explained that the Washington University Police Force (WUPF) refused to file a report, instead allegedly needing “time to practice sick bike tricks” instead. He never saw his lost frogs again, though the tragedy (and, possibly, his D- in Organic Chemistry) pushed him off the pre-med track and towards anti-animal cruelty work.

McJimson, who has focused the past ten years of his career on this puzzling case of waffle frog disappearances, has become somewhat of a forensic scientist in his search for answers. Out of his briefcase, McJimson pulled plastic bags full of tiny cloths, which he explained had traces of chloroform and were found buried in Mudd Field. Aartin and WUPF both declined to comment on the discovery.

McJimson’s face was stony as he pulled a final bag out of his briefcase: a palmsized purple frog, eyes half the size of its body, clearly deceased.

“Someone’s gonna pay,” he said.

ZIA OOLOS YOUR MOM

BUSH | STUDENT LIBEL

GRAPHIC BY CMDN MGGRD

Waffle Frogs sunbathing on a balmy 35-degree Feburary day.

A cultural symbol and offering to our Gas Gods.

WU shifts tulip endowment to weed production to support more Tuesday Teas

Washington University is shifting the funds from the Tulip Endowment to weed production on campus. This change aims to offset the costs of tea which the University somehow couldn’t afford to keep providing on a weekly basis to students.

About two months ago, the University announced that Tuesday Tea, one of the only campus traditions that exists at this point,

would be shifting from a weekly tradition to a monthly tradition. No good rationale was provided for this and most students were rightfully irritated.

The University is planning to start selling weed to earn some extra revenue for Campus Life.

“Now that weed is legal in STL, why not cash in on that opportunity to one day have the means to provide weekly tea to students again,” Blue Dream, Vice Dean of Increasing Cost of Education, said. “Of

course other revenue sources like your insane tuition costs that you’re clowns for paying should be able to cover this expense, but that would be too easy.”

After a lack of WILDs, convocations, and other residential life experiences due to COVID and who knows what other reasons, students are confused about why the University couldn’t at the very least keep providing hot water to students.

“I am dumbfounded, like my peers, about why Campus Life would stop

Residential Life announces Metaverse expansion

providing tea on a weekly basis when it brings so many community members together and gives us something to look forward to at the beginning of the week,” Berry Raz said. “If they don’t have the means to provide scones weekly, which they used to do, then at least provide tea weekly.” Another student expressed similar sentiments to Raz.

“Tuition increases every year and yet they scale back the only tradition that most

students regularly engage with,” Sleepy Time said. “I get that everyone steals the mugs that they give out, but just use compostable cups then. We can’t always live up to Greta’s standards.”

Several students also pointed out that the endowment recently saw a boon and wondered why that money couldn’t be funneled into Campus Life experiences.

“What’re they saving that money for?

Future generations of WashU students to have exciting residential life

experiences?,” Time asked. “You can’t increase tuition, luck out with the stock market and still not put some of that money back into the Student Libel experience.”

The President of the College Masochists weighed in on this discussion.

“I think the University made a great decision,” Mr. Grey said.

A poll found that every student wants Tuesday Tea to come back even if it means that Dr. G’s funhouse becomes only a once-a-year tradition.

ParkTrans announces new shuttle for 2024

After announcing a $6,969/year Platinum Parking Permit last week, the Danforth Parking & Transportation Office revealed exciting changes happening next year to the shuttle system. “It is important for students to realize that

miss their class while waiting for shuttles,” a spokesperson from the Office said. “As a provider for both parking space and public transportation, we’ve severely underestimated the profitability of our operation for the past years. To fulfill the community’s needs and our desires, we are happy to announce the brand

increase in passenger capacity using the tinned sardine packing method, and can perform donuts around the clock tower. With a rated speed of 60 miles per hour and a compact design, the new shuttle opens the possibility to blast through the Skinker/Forest Park Parkway intersection, slashing both travel time and the rider’s life

“The new shuttle’s abundance of emission will facilitate local businesses to innovate and offer dedicated clean air subscription services, just like the water subscriptions from WATERDROPd, a student-owned business,” the spokesperson continued. “We always support the businesses.” WATERDROPd declined to comment, citing the necessity of feasibility

In order to meet the housing needs of the growing Washington University student population, the Office of Residential Life has announced a five-acre expansion of the South 40, to be renamed the South 40+5, into the Metaverse, March 25.

Lee and Beaumont Halls are slated to be demolished, with a new South 40 House intended to replace them, accessible via Meta Quest 2 and any future Meta devices.

Digital copies of these buildings, according to a ResLife representative, will be uploaded into the Metaverse by Fall 2023.

In the interim between demolition and construction, the space once occupied by the Lee & Beaumont Residential College is going to be filled with a large tent. Members of the newly established MetaLee

& MetaBeaumont

Residential College will have the option to physically occupy space in this tent, at a discounted rate.

“The way I see it, expanding student housing into the Metaverse greatly benefits the WashU community in several ways” says Bob Tame, Dean of Students, “The new tentbased housing option will ease the financial burden of college on our families. Plus, we will be the first major university to enroll Metaverse citizens – I look forward to serving a heretofore underrepresented population in higher education and can’t wait to see the diversity they bring to our campus.”

Community members have mixed opinions about the introduction of Metaverse-based students.

“The transition to Zoom classes in 2020 was already taxing enough for me,” one anonymous professor said. “I don’t

think I will be able to teach in the Metaverse…what even is the Metaverse?.”

“I am proud to attend an institution that is actively seeking to utilize groundbreaking technology,” sophomore business student John Kelley said.

“Land in the Metaverse is not taxable, so this seems like a prudent investment,” writes 1999 alum Rafael Sousa. “The future is Meta.”

If successful, the University plans to continue this digital expansion, adding Metaverse classrooms and space for affinity groups by 2025.

“Space equity has been at the forefront of our decision-making, but dehousing fraternities would negatively affect campus culture. The Metaverse is the perfect way for us to give affinity groups the space they deserve,” states Dean Tame.

With the new shuttle, ParkTrans is expecting a 200% increase in permit sales, with the proceeds going towards parking

BY SHE-RYANMY-DANIEL-TILL-I-DAVIS

TIMMY TORNER FASTEST SLACKER

Washington University

Dining Services announced last Friday, March 24, that they plan to replace the popular “half & half” — a meal consisting of half chicken tenders and half fries, offered at multiple campus dining locations — with what they are calling a “whole,” one whole container of either fries or tenders.

Students can also order a “whole” of steamed broccoli or carrots, although in a statement to Student Libel, Dining Services stated that “no one will ever do this.” “If someone does,” the representative added, “[we] will make sure to take a high-quality photo for [our] brochures.”

Dining Services shared that this decision will allow them to reduce the number of dining staff on campus

and provide students with a greater range of dining options.

An anonymous WashU student, when asked her feelings about the changes to the menu, stated that she was “glad to finally be able to eliminate both produce and protein entirely” from her diet.

Andrew Martin reportedly prepared to try the new meal over the weekend, something those in his office described as an “emotional feat” in response to a Student Libel inquiry. One aid shared that Martin was able to finish every last fry and that it “somehow made him even more depressingly Midwestern.”

Martin’s office also informed us that the chancellor is proud that the french fry meal is both vegan and kosher, allowing for a “greater variety of dining options for Jewish and Californian students.”

Effective April 1st, all Olin Business School students will have even less to do with their time as classes have been canceled for the foreseeable future. The decision comes as a shock to aspiring finance bros as they are faced with the choice of …

A turn of fortunes for the school, just a year ago Olin was leading Washington University with the most funding for the various programs, including a $3 million fund for Crayola 64 pack of crayons that comes with every bschooler’s enrollment in an Olin program.

Deep investigation into Olin’s funding discovered 70% of Olin funding came from the “Olin Stock Market 2022 Game” being hosted on MarketWatch in which all bschoolers were given an equal share of the Olin endowment to invest in the stock market because they had nothing better to do with the money.

Enterprising freshman Chad Johnson decided to invest his entire share in

cryptocurrencies, primarily focusing on Dogecoin and Etherium.

“It seemed like such a smart idea. Nobody could’ve predicted this. Bubbles like that never pop.” Johnson said.

After enormously high returns within the first week, many of his fellow bschoolers sheepishly followed suit to great success.

Hopes ran high as FTX continued to climb and more and more students put their share into FTX.

“They really didn’t prepare us for the crash. I don’t think any of us had any experience with pulling out” marketing major and senior Joseph O’Brien said.

After the crash of several cryptocurrencies, the Olin business school is now functionally broke and has no more money to pay for Olin essentials including clip-on ties, hair gel, and most importantly crayons.

“We would’ve been able to use our reserves but about a week ago, some of our professors were convinced that they could win our money back by counting cards at the casino. We haven’t heard from

Professor Peterson since,” professor of Game Theory Rebecca Sanderson said.

News of the cancellation has been received in a variety of ways. Some students are very heartbroken by the news.

“I’m really gonna miss class with my bros, Aidan, Trevor, Chris, We were getting into some really interesting content too. After nine weeks of learning each others names, we were gonna

start learning about supply and demand,” economics major and senior Dylan Jacobs said.

Others are less disturbed.

“I’m just glad I don’t have to babysit those trust-fund kids

for a while,” Professor Aaron Lewis said. (We offered to quote him anonymously but he asked us to leave his name and include this quote).

The new “whole,” which is entierly kosher and vegan.

WashU drops

“Scholar Champions” motto, switches back to using “Student Athletes”

After years of Washington University’s unique use of the phrase “Scholar Champions” to describe its many Division III athletes, the Athletic Department has announced that the school will be changing back to ‘student athletes’.

According to an official press release published over spring break, the decision was rooted in a recent crack down on Olin business school grade inflation. While the new grading policies are impacting the entire school in different ways, it has had a particularly dramatic effect on the GPAs of WashU’s athletic community.

“The decision was made in total collaboration with coaches, administration, and eventually me,” said John Michael Schael Director of Athletics and Associate Vice Chancellor for Student Affairs Amaza Ynothna. “They’ll always be scholar-champions in my eyes. But let’s look at the bigger picture.” According to an inside source familiar with the decision, an additional factor into the change was because the Bears have struggled to win championships at the Division III level. Since 2017, only the Cross Country and Track programs have won NCAA national titles. “Track and field? Yeah. They’re completely carrying the natty title count,” said a senior athlete, who wished to remain anonymous out of fear of retribution from the football

Inside Bronny James’ decision to bring his talents to WashU

team.

Meanwhile, a number of higher-profile teams, including Football (0 NCAA Semifinal Appearances), baseball and softball, and men’s and women’s basketball (0 Final Fours in the last 10 years) have struggled to bring hardware back to St. Louis over the past few decades.

While the second half of the “Scholar Champions” moniker has occasionally been questioned, the decision was deemed necessary following the University’s con- troversial decision to curtail the generous grading curves provided for many of Olin’s most popular classes. A report shared by graduate professors in the Olin Business School detailed conclusions from an analysis of the academic transcripts of 327 WashU students over the last five years, and the results surprised many.

Nearly 40% of athletes had a GPA below 2.3. The press release included some quotations from Chancellor Mandrew Artin explaining the process. “This was an incredibly difficult decision that we did not take lightly,” he said, adding that “the Scholar Champions name was created to make WashU stand out from our competitors.”

“We’ve made the incredibly challenging decision to revert back to being just like everyone else,” he said. “We Apologize to any students, athletes, or supporters who have been misled by our Scholar campaign.”

WashU Waterpolo signs NIL deal with Campus Creamery

ISTHMUS BOWL STAFF REPORTER

While the NCAA rulling on NIL (name, image, and likeness) deals brought instant earnings for some of college basketball and football’s brightness stars, an unheralded squad from the depths of Summers Rec Center has recently entered the fray: the WashU Waterpolo Team.

Campus Creamery, the South 40’s only ice cream shop, recently announced the sponsorship of the waterpolo team in an effort to increase their exposure to different groups on campus.

The team will now donn

Campus Creamery styled speedos, red and white crocs,

and swim caps with Rob Wild’s face on them.

“We’re excited to announce this partnership with one of WashU’s most successful aquatic sports teams,” said a representative from the Campus Creamery. “This is a terrific opportunity to expand our market reach on campus.”

The Creamery will next look to expand their NIL portfolio to golf, pole vaulting, and the special teams unit on Football.

An anonymous source confirmed that Bronny James is interested in signing a contract once he arrives on campus. He will likely decide between competing offers from the creamery and WaterDrop’d.

Nearly thirteen years after his father left Cleveland for Miami, Lebron James Jr. has made his own decision.

“This fall, — this is very tough — this fall I’m going to take my talents to St. Louis and enroll at Washington University,” Bronny announced in a nationally televised segment this week. “That was the conclusion I woke up with this morning. I feel like it’s going to give me the best opportunity

to win; not just win games, but win a UAA championship.”

The son of one of the greatest NBA players of all time and a small academic D3 school in Missouri: a match made in heaven. After a last minute tour during last week’s spring break, Bronny said that his decision was an easy one. “From the second our jet touched down at Lambert, I knew I wanted to be here,” James said. “I wanted to be a ScholarChampion, to be a part of everything they stand for.” WashU may lack the

fan bases of Oregon or Ohio State, the weather of USC, or the allure of the G-League Ignite, but it does provide other benefits, including its top ranked dorms and lack of invasive paparazzi.

James did not respond to a request for comment.

“We are so happy to welcome this young man into our community,” said Chancellor Martin in an official announcement.

“That being said, the cost of having a superstar on campus means that we have to increase tuition by an additional 8%.”

The move did not come without criticism. “What a weak move by Bronny,” tweeted sports personality Skip Bayless. “Soft decision-making runs in the family. Who in D3 is going to stop him? Sure as heck isn’t UChicago or NYU.”

Still, members of Bronny’s circle are overjoyed with the decision. “I’m so happy for Bronny,” said Lebron Sr. “A huge factor in his decision was the quality of the food at Delicioso. He can have Taco Tuesday every week.”

find seating” than Olin Library

After WashU students party hard on a Friday night, they get right back to the grind on Saturday. With Olin Library packed to the brim, students have found a new study spot: football games. WashU students have packed the stands at football games this season, and no, they are not cheering on the

Bears. Instead, everyone has five tablets out, airpods in, as they are studying for the next big exam (except business school students, who are down the street at the Forsyth School learning the ABCs).

Given the fact that WashU football games are “notoriously quiet anyways,” head honcho of external affairs Smarty Smartpants shared in a comment to Student Libel,

this new change is “not as much of a change as you’d think.”

The football game has a couple of perks for studying. Students can get some fresh air, and if they get chilly, they can always don their Canada Goose jackets. However, the best perk is that students feel like they are winning.

“Every time I go to a football game I am reminded that I am winning,” one

student said. “I may be five lectures behind and have a fifty in my class, but at least I’m not losing 50-0 to Fontbonne.”

Head coach Karon Aeen cited increased support for the team’s win against the Griffins.

“I don’t think we win today without fans in the stands. They were really important. They give us that extra juice,” Aeen said after the win.

WashU announces upcoming move to Division I athletics

PABLO ESCOBEAR

WASHU MASCOT

It has been a long and arduous journey of 12 years. But Washington University in St. Louis has finally done it. After a strategic re-evaluation of the Athletic Department, WashU can finally claim its title of becoming a Division I school.

“We have spent the last couple of years preparing for this announcement,”

Chancellor Andrew Martin said as he highlighted the “successful

transition from Division III to Division II and now Division I.”

The David R. Francis Field inside the Sumers Recreation center will undergo major renovations this upcoming summer, once the semester is over. Martin notes how they are planning to expand the bleachers to host over 10,000 attendees. They will also add a Schnucks to-go mart in the stadium.

In addition, Martin is hopeful that with the expanded field WashU

will soon be able to host another Olympics Game like it did in 1904. “Along with the move to Division I, Washington University is pleased to annouce its official bid to host the 2036 Olympics as part of its new strategic plan, Here and Next pt. 2,” said Martin.

What sport sped up the process of WashU becoming a Division I school? Scootering.

“Scootering has been a vital part of WashU’s history. Many exceptional scooterers that graduated

from our University have made their mark and represent WashU well,” stated Martin.

In lieu of the new changes, Martin has also granted the use of electric scooters such as Lime, Bird, and Ofo around on campus. He hopes this will spur a rise in popularity of scootering and thus will aid in the building of an exceptional scootering team.

“As an avid scooterer, what drew me to pick WashU as my first choice was the great

infrastructure the campus had compared to other Division I schools,” stated rising freshman Phillus Smith. “I want to continue pursuing my dreams of becoming a professional scooterer, and I think WashU offers that,” he said.

Even with the change from Division III to Division I, it seems like scholarships will be far and few in between.

“The athletes first need to prove to me that they deserve any kind of scholarship,” stated Joe Clarke,

WashU men’s soccer head coach. “With this new title, I expect them to train even harder. Practices for the men’s soccer team will be scheduled 7 days a week, beginning at 6 am in the morning.”

Chancellor Martin is sure that the school spirit at WashU will increase alongside all of these changes that will be implemented. Other updates to facilities include slowly phasing out the color combination of red and green to the more appealing colors of red and maroon.

WEEHAV NOPHANS STAFF REPORTER

Students attend Saturday football game, say “it’s quieter and easier to

RARA CLICHARDS

James poses in front of the WashU mural on his official visit, donning former WashU player Jack Nolan’s number 22 jersey. He revealed his school choice in an instagram post captioned “Bear nation? #letsride #committed”

STEVEN B. SMITH WASHU HOOPS INSIDER

This, unfortunately, is a real photo.