The Wake - Issue 6 - Fall 2022 - Bizzaro

CREATIVE WRITING

winter

BY MEGAN HEGENBARTH the cold winds fell like a rock on top my already pile of clothes my windows feel frosted as if one single tap and all will shatter relax, they say, this is just how it goes so I try I wrap Christmas lights around my dead, cold fingers but the sentimental air continues and my hands feel parched loneliness stares deep into my eyes to catch the sun is impossible, it always waves goodbye yet I walk in the wind I reach for the snow I whisper for a glimpse of the moon and sometimes just sometimes I realize winter can glow

©2022 The Wake Student Magazine. All Rights Reserved.

Established in 2002, The Wake is a fortnightly independent magazine and registered student organization produced by and for students at the University of Minnesota.

The Wake was founded by Chrin Ruen and James DeLong.

Burn Book Edition

Disclaimer: The purpose of The Wake is to provide a forum in which students can voice their opinions. Opinions expressed in the magazine are not representative of the publication or university as a whole. To join the conversation email eic@ wakemag.org.

Editorial

Production Srihita Raju

Executive Director

Marie Ronnander

Managing Editor

Sophia Goetz

Creative Director

Laura Kuchar

Cities Editor

Vishalli Alagappan

Finance Manager

Rashmika Cheekati

Voices Editor

Carter Starkey

PR/Ad Manager

Gracie Kibort

Online Editor

Quinn McClurg

Social Media Manager

Renee Mottet

Copy Editor

Abby Vela

Art Director

Megan Bormann

Music Reviews Editor

Peter Nomeland

Web Manager

Brennan Neuser

Multimedia Producer

Ben Villnow

Distribution Manager

Selam Gerezgiher

Multimedia Editors

Natalie Aue

Designers

Makenna Larson

Editor-in-Chief

Mallory Paul

Kailee Baumann

Kat Regas Cities Interns: Sydney Peshon, Ava Rausch

PR/Ad Interns: Cheyney McKinney, Jacob Nelson

Voices Interns: Devna Panda, Goamaar Paul

Social Media Intern: Makayla Hilluka

Features Interns: Maddie Roth, Joshua Kloss

Art Interns: Sarah Jiang, Natalie Williams, Brooke Lambrecht, Alex Kozak

Online Interns: Zoe Hoornbeck Copy Editors: Vern Nowakowski, Hana Handzija Music Reviews Interns: Shanna Sivakumar

This Issue Writers

Art

Sydney Peshon, Vern Nowakowski, Abby Vela, Gracie

1 Brooke Lambrecht, 2 Alex Kozak, 3 Natalie Williams

Kibort, Sophia Goetz, Maddie Roth, Joshua Kloss, Marie Ronnander, Bianca Llerena, Goamaar Paul, Devna

Cover and Feature Art: Megan Bormann

Panda, Quinn McClurg, Carter Starkey, Natalie Williams,

Feature Spread Design: Mallory Paul

Vishalli Alagappan, Shanna Sivakumar, Peter Nomeland Elizabeth Olsen, Dave Matthews Band, Tim Burton Creative Submissions

Defamation, Call Me By Your Name, Spotify’s

Megan Hegenbarth, Laura Kuchar, Bryn Adams

Platinum-Plated Fist, and Camilla Cabello images from original sources.

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The Wake Student Magazine 126 Coffman Memorial Union 300 Washington Avenue SE Minneapolis, MN 55455

Rating College Mascots on a Scale of 0 to Fetch SPOILER ALERT: No mascot is fetch. Sorry.

DISCLAIMER: I know nothing about other colleges or their mascots leave me alone, I’m an artist not a sportsball enthusiest.

Don’t love the vibes of Sparty but I feel like he means well. I bet he could 0 bench The Wake Staff. 5/1

I know this is a Un iversity of Minnesota public ation but COME ON he’s a TURTLE. Arguably the cu test. 9/10

I’m particularly disturbed by the giant head-human arms combo, but it could be worse. 5/10

4

s a lot of like he ha He looks t he also rties...bu fun at pa ally s to shit re like he ha 0 bad...6/1

Bro are w e same ma looking at the scot righ t now?

Am I in a ho THANK Y rror movie? No OU PURD UE. 0/119 0 – JANUARY 2 DECEMBER

INSIDE 8

9

Can the Homeless be Even More Uncomfortable? (Yes) Debate for your Life

10

Dear Blue Light, Burn in Hell

11

8 Reasons Why You’re not the Toxic One

13

Internalized Misogyny

16

Imitation Beef(ing) with Alternative Milks

UPCOMING PARTIES

(UR NOT INVITED, LOL)

WHENEVER @ ONCE HER PRISON

SUNDAY @ A VARIETY OF HENNEPIN

ALLOWS HER TO MAKE PHONE CALLS

COUNTY LIBRARIES

Elizabeth Holmes Product Release Press Briefing

Book Burning Party

Holmes is set to announce her new business endeavor live from prison.

She’s partnering with Elon Musk to make clean drinking water more accessible to Americans. The novel product is called the H2O cylinder. A sneak peek of the product presents a cylinder with a cap that twists open and close. The product is estimated to retail at $20,000 per unit. Check out the press briefing to learn more about this genius new product that will revolutionize accessibility to water in America.

FRIDAY @ YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD

17

Why Aren’t We Hunter-Gatherers?

Wicked Women

18

It’s Not that Deep

19

Mass & Mundane Consumption of Art

20

Six Reviews

22

Haters of the Year

COMMUNITY CENTER

“Is that celebrity white?” and Other Fun Games Have you ever wondered if a celebrity is white or a skin color-changing chameleon? What about Ariana Grande?

White. Ollie London? White. Kylie Jenner and Kim K? White! Bet you didn’t know that. They also have mahjong and archery!

Swing by the game night hosted by the community center down the road this Friday Snacks not included. BYOB.

SATURDAY @ MY FRIEND OF A FRIEND’S OF A FRIEND’S BASEMENT

In an attempt to threaten our citizens’ First Amendment rights, libraries all over the county are following Texas schools in not only banning, but burning paperbacks.

Libraries are also printing out and burning several copies of e-books to symbolize the deletion of electronic files. Some of subject matter of these banned books include LGBTQ+ themes/ protagonists, protagonists of color, sexual content, titles concerning issues with race and racism, etc. Join our libraries for a fun book burning and enjoy tacos and korean corn dogs from food trucks parked outside!

TUESDAY @ A VARIETY OF HENNEPIN COUNTY LIBRARIES

BookTok Book Club Want to read books without the pretentious-ness? Join us this Saturday where we’ll be discussing “It Ends With Us” By Colleen Hoover! Although, if you’re just going to come to talk about the flaws of the book and critique the characters, maybe don’t come? It’s just that we just like to read for fun! We don’t want to ruin the vibes by critically thinking about this book and the effect it can have on young readers. What are you, my high school English teacher? The currents are just blue, dude!

Fake Music Listening Party: Midnights Want to hate on popular music with a group of REAL music fans? Join us this Friday night! A group of us will be screaming “BOOOOOOOO!!!!” and ripping our hair out over the absolute swill that was Taylor Swift’s last album! Afterwards, to cleanse ourselves, we’ll be listening to this classic album from our favorite underground band, Pink Floyd. You’ve probably never heard of them, though.

THE WAKE

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Letter from the Art Director Dear Reader, We did it. We made it to the end of the semester.

And to cap it all off, this will be my final issue as Art Director of the Wake. So I’d love to take a minute to reflect on my 3.5 years of working at this wonderful magazine.

I started as a Music and Reviews intern in the Fall of 2019, and worked my way up to Art Director. If you ever have had the opportunity to attend one of our pitch meetings, you’d know I have an obsession with Harry Styles, One Direction, Taylor Swift, and niche childhood movies and always want to write about them. I’ve had the privilege of seeing a variety of people excel in leadership roles and top-notch work being put out in every issue, but this year is extra special. I’ve also gotten to work with an extraordinary group of art interns who continuously blow my mind and renew my passion for art.

One thing about me is that I’m obnoxiously obsessed with pop culture, so I’d like to recap some of the biggest scandals of 2022 for our Burn Book.

The biggest for me was the “Don’t Worry Darling” PR garbage-fire this summer. The key takeaway from that was don’t trash-talk the star of your movie in the age of social media. Maybe, more importantly, don’t engage in a consensual workplace relationship, especially if you’re already married.

That concept ties into the next scandal of the season, which was the Try Guys adultery incident. I never watched the Try Guys, but somehow this crisis ended up all over my TikTok “For You” page. Lastly, the Kim Kardashian/Marilyn Monroe dress drama at the Met Gala. Here’s my take on that: People are allowed to dislike the Kardashians, but don’t act like you actually cared about Marilyn Monroe and United States history before this happened.

With that, I’ll be signing off. I’ll leave you with this quote from the late great One Direction, “Does it ever drive you crazy, just how fast the night changes?”

Xoxo.

Megan Bormann Art Director

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DECEMBER 19 – JANUARY 2

THE WAKE

Art by Laura Kuchar

LIBEL

Can The Homeless Be Even More Uncomfortable? (Yes) THE INSIDIOUSNESS OF HOSTILE ARCHITECTURE IS EMERGING IN MANY URBAN AREAS, FURTHER EXPOSING THE HOMELESS TO HARSH ELEMENTS

BY SYDNEY PESHON Up until falling into a recent YouTube rabbit hole, I had no idea what the term “hostile architecture” meant. If I were to give into wishful thinking, I’d assume it would be a plastic casket or creaky ladder in Spirit Halloween, not something as simple as park benches that reside under bridges, public parks, foyers to buildings, or any basic flat surface a person might find themselves wanting to rest on.

And while benches with dividers or those that take on odd shapes aren’t bad enough, there are also fin insertions on walls, sprinkler systems that don’t water anything other than tired and targeted citizens, and minuscule anti-skate blades on ledges; things that could seriously injure someone who doesn’t realize their presence. Hostile architecture wards off the homeless by use of spikes, bars, barricades, and more, making sleep inaccessible and uncomfortable for those who are the most vulnerable.

Rather than take measures to address social and economic problems that lead to homelessness, city officials are making active efforts to simply ignore these systematic issues. Instead of recognizing the exclusion and humiliation hostile architecture causes, some view it as something to prevent crime and restrict behavior deemed as antisocial.

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DECEMBER 19 – JANUARY 2

LIBEL

Debate For Your Life LOOK FOR ZEBRAS NOT HORSES

BY VERN NOWAKOWSKI There are many things to be angry about in the American healthcare system. As someone who has grown up frequently dealing with that system, being a patient is a never ending exhausting journey, even without the illness or injury. The exhaustion comes from the self advocacy that is required in this country. Patient gaslighting is what plagues the American healthcare system.

I have Ehlers Danlos syndrome. This disease manifests as frequent dislocation of joints and skin problems. The first exhausting part of the journey is getting diagnosed with the disorder. It requires a specialist that is booked out months ahead. I remember, when I was a child, trying to desperately convince my pediatrician that something was wrong with my legs. All I got in return was a reassurance that it was only growing pains. Last time I checked, dislocating your knee two times a month is not “just growing pains.”

Patients shouldn’t have to debate their doctors for a consideration of the diagnosis. While I understand that WebMD doctors are a problem in the medical field currently, it still shouldn’t be this challenging to get a proper diagnosis. I have debated more in the hospital than I ever did when I was on the Speech and Debate team.

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Eventually I started to keep a notebook about all of my symptoms and problems that I was having. I decided to organize my notes as if it was evidence for a court case.

9. I had a score of 9. Which made me wonder how many patients with less severe symptoms are suffering because of a neglectful primary care physician and no access to a specialist.

The support came from my doctors too late.

One day my knee dislocated and took all of my ligaments with it. When the orthopedic surgeon at Children’s hospital looked at my leg, he was shocked that I had not received treatment up until then. The amount of bone chips I had in my knees were the equivalent of a 58-year-old marathon runner. I needed to get major reconstructive surgery on my left knee, and I have been in treatment for the right knee ever since.

I am angry for those patients that don’t have the resources nor confidence that I had. I am angry because I’m familiar with that confusion and self doubt. I know the amount of effort it takes to argue with doctors and then, on top of that, insurance.

It is exhausting to be ill or injured, excluding the illness and the injury.

So many complications could have been avoided if my doctors had just considered my requests. The gaslighting I received about a disorder I actually had was ridiculous. The specialist on EDS that I currently see is baffled that anyone could miss this diagnosis, especially with my notes.

An EDS diagnosis requires a simple examination called the Beighton Test to see if the patient has a basic hypermobile type. It takes less than 5 minutes to complete, and no equipment is needed. Less severe EDS patients will have a score of 6 out of

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LIBEL

Dear Blue Light, Burn in Hell RECORDING CONCERTS RUINS THE EXPERIENCE FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED. JUST STOP, I BEG OF YOU

BY ABBY VELA This past spring, I had written a piece reviewing Mitski’s Laurel Hell Tour. Never having seen her live, I prepared for a religious and life-changing experience. I donned my cowboy hat and my grandmother’s vintage boots; I knew her entire discography front to back and—like a green, naive soldier marching to their doom—I braved the midmarch chill with nothing but my hat and high hopes.

It shouldn’t have come as a surprise, but neither should it have happened. There I was on the front left side, three rows from the barricade, unable to see a thing for nearly all of the show. Not because of the height of the crowd nor some odd obstruction from the building. Rather it was the three rows of blue screens in front of me.

A minute-long SnapChat story, a FaceTime call with a friend, a combination of Instagram stories and reading the setlist aloud from a Reddit post: these are the physical and mental obstructions that left me tired, frustrated, and disappointed.

It wasn’t the performer’s fault, and in fact Mitski had explicitly asked her audience to put their phones down for the 90 minutes she was on stage.

I will forever stand by the statement that recording a concert counts as sitting on your phone; but while the hater in me wants to despise the people on their phones the entire show, another part of me simply feels sorry for them.

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It’s no secret that quarantine decimated the music scene for artists and concert goers alike. Tours were canceled, releases were postponed, and—like many other social spaces—those who used music as their prime means of social interaction were deprived of possibly one of the only ways they got to connect with others.

We can anecdotally understand the effects of lockdown for those who were already in the music scene. However, it’s hard to predict the effects of situations like this until it happens. How will a completely new social sphere of music lovers react to the new availability of live music? Well, now we have the answer: with an unawareness of concert etiquette including a lack of respect for artists as people and a complete disregard for the experience of those around them.

Mitski’s Laurel Hell Tour is an extreme and heinous example of this butterfly effect, but I see it happen at nearly every indie show I go to. If the music’s demographic are people ages 16 to 19, it’s almost certain that a sea of cellphones will be pulled out to film an artist’s most popular song. This practice is distracting to both fellow audience members whose views are blocked but also the artist who, instead of connecting with the individuals in the audience, must entertain a wave of cameras and people who don’t want to move to the music in fear of getting a shaking video.

Along with this use of recording is the absolute repulsion to any dancing. The amount of times I have been stared down with daggers simply because I wanted to dance is absurd. Nobody should be shamed for enjoying music in their own way, especially when the person doing the shaming is sitting in the middle of the crowd with their arms crossed and looking like they’d rather be anywhere else.

As I said before, Mitski’s tour was extreme, but I’ve had similar experiences at countless other shows: Current Joys, Lucy Dacus, Greer, Backseat Lovers, Courtney Barnett. Unfortunately, that list could go on. Stale crowds with no physical response to the music other than pulling out their phones to record a song they recognize—this is the state of live indie music, and to be honest, it frustrates me enough to avoid indie shows altogether.

I don’t blame these people for lack of concert etiquette. In fact, I feel sorry for them. Not only are they hated by any experienced concert-goer, but they’re also forfeiting their own immersion for a compressed mp4 of an experience that blue light will never be able to capture. That just may be the biggest tragedy of it all.

DECEMBER 19 – JANUARY 2

LIBEL

8 Reasons Why You’re Not the Toxic One YOU DO NOT RELATE TO ANTI-HERO

BY GRACIE KIBORT 4.

You don’t gossip, you vent It’s different, I swear. People should know better than to cross you, and when they do, it’s your right to divulge the situation to your roommate. And your mutual friends. And your boyfriend. And his roommates. Someone once told you it was okay to YikYak about someone’s physical description and personal info. It’s very cathartic and anonymous, don’t worry about it.

Particular not picky The constant accusations of being picky drive you insane! You aren’t picky, you’re particular!

So what? You like things the way you like them.

You hate skinny jeans, Taylor Swift, and Adidas Superstars. Chipped manicures make you gag.

In fact, it grosses you out to have them within your vicinity. You have definitive specifications, and even though you know you’re particular, you have the right taste. Better taste. You crave control like your Juul, and wholeheartedly believe the world would be better and prettier if it was in your jurisdiction.

5.

You are above drama Ugh, the worst! No matter how hard you try to avoid it, drama has always clung to your leggings like the hair of your Goldendoodle. It isn’t your fault! It just has a way of finding you like your ex on campus. Remind yourself that the cream always rises to the top, and make sure to only vent your frustrations to a few (ten’s a few, right?) close friends.

Quick with the scissors Cutting people off is your forte. Loyalty is a requirement from your besties, and if betrayed, there is little hesitation. The receipts of ex-friends and hookups are lengthy, but you refuse to keep any toxic energy around. It’s bad for the vibes! If it is not serving you, it’s stifling you. Haven’t you heard it’s impossible to keep a snake as a pet?

6.

Have you been called a drama queen once or twice?

Is your name featured on the hit list of not one but two ex-friends from high school? Secretly believe you’re too good for everyone around you? You can’t possibly be the problem! Let me tell you why.

1.

2.

3.

You put yourself first You’re number one and won’t be number two. You’ve never questioned your self-worth for an instant, and understand feelings have to be hurt to protect your own. It’s not that friends are collateral, but like Abby Lee Miller once said “Everyone’s replaceable.” We know who’s top dog is around here, and sometimes it takes an honest person to sacrifice others to save what really matters, yourself. Without a doubt, your oxygen mask is going on first.

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One of the guys Girls are so much work. They are dramatic and sooo fake. Luckily, the guys love having you around. They think of you as one of their own! You’re always invited to game day and the pregame. It’s such a bummer when they invite their girlfriends. Girlfriends are always so jealous of you, because you’re not like *them*. It’s not their fault they’re in love with you or something!

7.

Honesty is the best policy Let’s clear the air: honesty ≠ being mean. The first time you saw “Glee,” you immediately identified with Santana Lopez. Just like the cheerio, people love you because you keep it real and are hilarious. You’ve been described as blunt, a bitch, and even a scum-sucking road w****. But you can’t help it, you’re fluent in one language, and one language only—honesty. You have a unique tendency to always be right, and people like to weaponize it. They need to lighten up, let it roll right off your back, girl. They’re probably just resentful because you’re prettier.

8.

Toxic positivity isn’t a real thing You’re lucky to be so fantastically blessed physically, socially, financially, mentally, etc., etc. Most people aren’t as fortunate as you.

To cope, you spread positivity like COVID, hacking and sneezing smiles in every which way. You’re sympathetic and helpful. “Aw, you’re still single? Do you think it’s because of your acne? You should wash your face more!”

Whenever the going gets tough you tell your friends, “You might’ve brought this on yourself, but negativity only breeds more negativity.

Smile more!” The self-described ray-of-sunshine. Why bother frowning when your life smells so sweet? It causes wrinkles!

Don’t freak, clearly, this isn’t a “you” problem.

Objectively speaking, life would be bitter, sad, and uglier without you. Girl world is cutthroat, and you’re just doing you.

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ART

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Art by Bryn Adams

DECEMBER 19 – JANUARY 2

Internalized Misogyny: The Modern Day Mean Girl

FEATURE

BY SOPHIA GOETZ, MADDIE ROTH, & JOSHUA KLOSS

THE WAKE

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FEATURE

If you’ve been around for at least the last decade, you’ve likely seen or at the very least heard of the cult classic chick flick, “Mean Girls.” The 2004 film, starring Lindsay Lohan and Rachel McAdams, tells the story of teenager Cady Heron who was educated in Africa by her biologist parents. When her family relocates to the suburbs of Illinois, Cady finally gets to experience public school and gets a quick primer on the cruel, tacit laws of popularity that divide her fellow students into tightly-knit cliques. She unwittingly finds herself in the good graces of an elite group of cool students dubbed, “the Plastics,” but Cady soon realizes how her shallow group of new friends earned this nickname.

“Mean Girls” immaculately portrays the American high school queen bee as the stereotypical lipgloss-wearing, designer-bag-toting, boyfriendstealing, supervillain of its plot. It was iconic for its time not only because of its moral messaging about why unkindness and judgmental behavior were not okay, but it also gave young girls an understandable antagonist. It effectively instilled in us that the dark side of womanhood is catty, conniving competitiveness.

While “Mean Girls” is pop culture satire, it is also emblematic of a larger problem with modern-day feminism. Even as a society still dominated by patriarchal values, there is no denying the great strides that we have made for women’s rights.

However, in the quest for liberation–whether that be for reproductive rights, closing the wage gap,

or the promotion of women in leadership positions–we seem to have lost our sense of what it means to be a feminist.

What began as “girl boss feminism,” an empowered campaign for a woman’s right to professional opportunity beyond two kids and a white picket fence, has somehow devolved into an averseness to, and even shaming of, the women who choose not to pursue a career and/or chose to adopt more traditional values like staying home to raise a family. The irony lies in the fact that modern-day feminism should regard a woman’s right to choose, but it appears that those choices consist of prescribed ideas of what an empowered woman should look like. Under the insidious guise of progressivism, misogyny has pervaded the feminist movement to pit us against each other and make us believe that the “mean girl” is the woman who is either too competitive, too career-oriented, or too traditional, and perhaps even brainwashed. Internalized misogyny may not steal your quarterback boyfriend or put your name in the Burn Book, but its ability to masquerade as contemporary feminism makes it far more of a threat than Regina George.

If Regina George would have had access to social media, the Burn Book would have spread a lot further than it did in the movie. Social media has played a major role in the toxicity of modern feminism. If you go onto almost any social media site, the wall will be filled with girls posing in scandalous clothes that they bought off a fast fashion website, especially during the weekends. Hundreds of comments and likes will be on that one post, feeding into this idea that if girls keep posting these somewhat fake photos, they are loved by mostly complete strangers.

If this is something you have done before, I pose this question to you: is it worth it? How hard do you have to try to make sure the angle is right? How often do you check on the post afterward to see who liked/commented?

We are all guilty of this. We all want people to think what we’re doing is cool and fun. We want people to love us for who we are, but sometimes that gets lost in the mix of it all. Girls become obsessed with the idea of fake perfection and strive for the attention that others pour down their throats. The more “likes” they get, the hungrier they are to seem even more perfect. If anybody sees them slip up for even a second, everything they have worked so hard for could be over.

But this has to be pure hell for them. Putting on a show for everyone around them has to be awful.

FEMINISM IS FETCH 14

DECEMBER 19 – JANUARY 2

FEATURE

Do these girls even know who they are, or are they just another product morphed by who society tells them to be?

There are several studies that show the link between social media and a decrease in mental health. These studies show that the fewer likes a person gets when they post, the lower their self-esteem becomes. Lower self-esteem can lead to self-harm tendencies, like starving oneself or cutting. So much of who we are as people is dependent on how the world sees us through social media, especially women. Next time you’re scrolling through Instagram, like a girl’s picture that you wouldn’t normally like. Maybe it will make them smile. Women need to encourage women in order to diminish the stigma of how perfect we have to seem to everyone else, especially men.

And while we’re at it, let’s scribble down “the nice guy” in the Burn Book. Recently, there’s been a shift in perceptions of men and how they should treat women, and some behaviors that aren’t special at all are now treated as emblems of the ideal guy. I would argue that there are some behaviors and actions that should be expected of every single person, including men, such as, asking for consent, treating others with respect, and taking a hint once somebody expresses that they are not interested in you. Yet, men who do all three of these (or maybe even just one or two of these) things are idolized as “men written by women,” and are put on a pedestal.

Yes, that is behavior that should be modeled and that others should follow. However, it is also the bare minimum that a man should do: anything

THE WAKE

short of that is simply behaving poorly and in ways subpar to the normal and expected.

After all, there are so many men who like to paint themselves as the “nice guy,” someone who is so different from other men, simply because he does things such as respecting another woman’s bodily autonomy when she says, “no.” These behaviors are not glorious, nor are they the pinnacle of chivalry; they are how each and every man should act and treat women, without failing to think of other ways that they can behave even better.

Furthermore, women shouldn’t feel obligated to validate men who behave in these ways. If you search, #NiceGuysBeLike, on TikTok, you’ll find countless stories of “nice guys” that behave kindly towards women, all the while expecting a romantic or sexual relationship in return. A lot of women love to show off the kind things their male partner does for them; when in reality it is something as simple as cooking a meal or taking out the trash. I, for one, had a great time scrolling through the posts under the hashtag #BareMinimumTwitter on (you guessed it!) Twitter.

in your partner; they’re a partner, after all, not a child that needs positive reinforcement for achieving a task as simple as emptying the dishwasher or respecting your right to say “No” when they want to have sex.

While it’s of course important to acknowledge how far we have come as a society in regards to the rights and opportunities of women and femme-presenting people, we also have a responsibility to identify attempts made to co-opt the movement and therefore disrupt its messaging, and by extension, its mission. There is certainly not a monolith for a feminist, nor should there be a sole signifier for feminism as a whole. But the danger lies in prescribing ideas–ones motivated by culture and by our own preconceived notions–to women who are supposed to have the agency bought by social progress to choose whether or not they wish to subscribe to it. To sum it up, feminism is fetch.

Inhibiting a woman’s right to choose based on individual ideas of what feminism “should” look like? So not fetch.

Why are we idealizing the bare minimum? Long story short: don’t settle for that crap, people. Especially

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SLANDER

Imitation Beef(ing) With Alternative Milks HOW NEW AGE NUTRITION BATTLES MOTHER EARTH.

BY MARIE RONNANDER Ah, the milk aisle. She used to be so small and simple. Now, rows of alternative milks stare intimidatingly back at us. We’ve all experienced this milk-anxiety at some level. For many of us, the question of which revolves around tastiness levels, and for others on how expensive our milk of choice will be. I’m here to assure you, your individual choice is a driving force in changing the fate of our atmosphere.

As early as 2010, the United Nations began urging those who could to cut down on their meat and dairy consumption due to the rapid rise in greenhouse gas emissions. One thing is clear looking at all the creamy goodness in the milk aisle: any plant based option is going to be better than its utter-ly detrimental alternative. This choice comes with caveats (as all good choices do). So let’s unpack that opportunity cost of imitation meats and alternative milks.

Carbon Emission: The Food and Agricultural organization stated that the meat and dairy industry accounts for 14.5% of all carbon emissions. So here’s the best good news: according to CarbonBrief, your favorite plant based burger produces only 1/20 the amount of carbon that any old beef burger would smog out. With this being said, most plant based burgers are just as bad for you as their red meat counterparts.

In terms of milks, almond milk very clearly produces the least amount of CO2 per kilogram of production. Closely behind are oatmilk, soymilk, and rice milk. Rice Milk is noted as the “gas guzzler” because the rice marshes cause higher amounts of methane to be released into the environment.

Many of these emissions, however, are from packaging and shipping. If you’re looking to reduce

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your footprint the most, you’ll want to stick to local products or even making your own -which involves the fun addition of a cheese cloth.

friends homeless. Coconut products are falling into the same category with much more bad juju surrounding the unlivable wages being paid to the coconut farmers.

Water usage: The Water Footprint of Humanity states that food consumption is 70% of the average person’s water footprint. Plant based diets already save 30004000 liters of water per day than your average carnivore. Yet large corporations are getting sneaky with their hands.

Though almond milk is wonderful for CO2, the water used in production is equivalent to about 130 pints of water -more than any other plant based alternative. For many almond milks you find in stores, there’s really only about two almonds in the entire half gallon. Rice milk isn’t far behind in terms of water consumption.

Soy products have also shown to have a significant impact on water depletion in Brazil. According to the Guardian, if you’re looking to save our aquifers, hemp and oat milk may be the best alternatives.

Ecosystem:

So what are we to do; drink water and eat leaves?

I promise that life can be much more exciting.

Even an attempt at switching to plant based foods is a win for our environment with a reduction of anywhere from 30-90% in carbon emissions. For those of us looking to maximize the effort we put into protecting the earth, oat milks and bean-based proteins have proven to be the most sustainable.

With our world at 8 billion people, our individual consumption matters. No one is perfect 100% of the time, and money is a real limiting factor. But if you’re ever given the opportunity to put some oatmilk in your latte, embrace it. On behalf of our semiasthmatic earth, I greatly appreciate your efforts.

ERS DO DAIRY DRINK CT!!! THX NOT INTERA

As a lover of bees, I’m turning the article into almond milk hate. 70% of commercial bees in the US are enslaved to pollinate almond blossoms.

Because of the sheer amount of pesticides used on the commercial farms, record amounts of bees have been dying.

Among the worst for the global environment are products containing palm oil. Do not be fooled by the words “organic” or “vegan” and always check the ingredients. Palm oil production is burning rainforests and leaving our Indonesian orangutan

DECEMBER 19 – JANUARY 2

SLANDER

Why Aren’t We Hunter-Gatherers?

IN A QUICKLY ADVANCING SOCIETY, THE EASE AT WHICH WE ACQUIRE FOOD MIGHT NOT BE AS MUCH OF A GOOD THING AS YOU THINK.

BY BIANCA LLERENA Since the dawn of human life, with evolution catapulting our civilization into a world of packaged foods and microwavable meals, humans have completely strayed from their authentic and humble beginnings of being hunter-gatherers. Instead of the gratification that comes with a successful hunt and/or gathering after a long day’s work, the average American is left with frozen waffles and canned tomatoes to fill the hole of dissatisfaction. The degree at which masses of people rely on another has never been so high, which begs the question: How long can this unbalanced relationship between consumption and distribution last?

This new era consisting of an exaggerated ease at which we acquire our food has led to a world where overconsumption is not just possible but expected. With all of the power given to just a few corporations, the type of food and its cost is completely in their hands.

On another note, agriculture, which is heavily relied on for food, is the leading source of pollution around the world. While this may seem somewhat defeatist, with the possibility of a genuine recommencement of being solely hunter-gatherers, we could once again return to a simple and honest civilization that collects its own food.

Hunting and gathering, an ancestral lifestyle, consists of hunting animals and foraging for vegetation. Taking time out of your day to enjoy the weather outside and gathering berries has never sounded so peaceful.

Going on a hike with some of your closest friends in search of dinner could help heal your relationship with the earth as well as with the animals that we currently indifferently consume. So although it may seem somewhat far-fetched or even impossible, remember that just a mere 12,000 years ago, humans lived completely off of the earth with no reliance on grocery stores or frozen pizzas.

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Wicked Women THE DEMONIZATION OF DOMINANT WOMEN

BY GOAMAAR PAUL What do the Salem witches, “hysterical” asylum patients, and current powerful women have in common? All are victims of the “mad woman” trope, and all are subjected to trials—whether public or private—as a direct result of their behavior. Society has a reflexive urge to muzzle women who deviate from the expected norm of the three S’s: submissive, sweet, and silent. Ambition, independence, and brashness—traits commonly celebrated when they manifest in men—are in turn condemned when they appear instead in women. Throughout history, dominant behavior in women has been deemed unholy (the Salem witches), pathologized (the female hysteria diagnosis), and publicly condemned.

Even today, to be a woman who exhibits certain traits means to be waiting for your turn at the metaphorical gallows. The advent of social media has only made public humiliations easier. Instead of throwing tomatoes in the town square, spectators can now do it from the comfort of their homes. The expression of dominance and confidence in women comes as a threat to those who subscribe to the patriarchal idea of what a woman “should” be or act like. At the same time, expressions of ultra-femininity also invite ridicule. The trap of expectations for women then becomes apparent: No matter which side of the spectrum a woman leans towards, she is wrong. It is a test with no correct answers, a race with no finish line.

However slowly, we are shifting in the right direction: a world in which women are free to exhibit intensity, drive, authority, and vigor—a world in which women are free to be as “wicked” as they would like to be.

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SLANDER

It’s Not That Deep A GAME IS JUST A GAME

BY DEVNA PANDA For whatever reason, Bengali families in India commonly feel a very strong allegiance toward the Argentinian and Brazilian men’s national soccer teams. Seeing as how Bengali people have no tangible connection to either Argentina or Brazil, this phenomenon honestly can not be explained.

Personally, my family’s love and support for Argentina’s team originated from my dad. I can picture the scene in my mind’s eye. The year is 1986. My dad and his siblings are sitting around the CRT TV in their house in Rourkela, Odisha watching the final match between Argentina and West Germany. They watch in awe as Diego Maradona helps lead his team to victory at the pinnacle of his career.

After my older sister and I were born, we were quick to jump on the Argentine bandwagon.

Maradona may have retired in 1997, but one Lionel Messi had begun scoring goals for his national team in 2005. Nine years later, I watched him play against Germany in the World Cup final. Like many, I was entranced as I watched the greatest player in the world maneuver the ball. As the years went on, we continued to keep up with Messi’s club and country career and watched as the greatest honor continued to elude him:

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the opportunity to win a World Cup for his country.

Fast forward to 2018 when Argentina was woefully eliminated in the group stage. I am sorry to say that footage of me unashamedly crying my eyes out still exists today. Though I have always been somewhat superstitious, I was particularly superstitious during this World Cup. I refused to wear certain tops or carry out specific aspects of my routine if I associated them with a match in which Argentina had performed poorly. As if the performance of a team playing in Russia could be impacted in any way whatsoever by the outfit of a fourteen-year-old girl watching the game in Eden Prairie, Minnesota.

Considering that the outcome for Argentina was particularly disappointing in 2018, I remember looking forward to 2022, Messi’s last chance at winning this coveted title for his country, as an opportunity for redemption.

Now, my propensity to be superstitious or search for nonexistent signs impacted other spheres of my life in high school, too.

My tendency to draw connections between unrelated things often prevented me from taking action to realize whatever I was fantasizing about experiencing at the time. I don’t want this to be the case in college.

Regardless, as you know, it is currently 2022.

We are in the throes of World Cup season once again. At the time that I am writing this, Argentina has been playing reasonably well and has advanced to the knockout stage.

Though I have tried to break out of my habit of associating unrelated events with themes in my life, I have noticed myself wondering whether Argentina is performing better because I have managed to curate my college life to my tastes in a way that I was never capable of achieving in high school. I can’t help but imagine that their performance signifies the universe either rewarding or punishing me. Though it sounds delusional, mostly because it kind of is, I have somehow forged this association in my mind.

In moments like this, I have to step back and remind myself that every event that happens in the world is not the universe somehow attempting to communicate with me.

Argentina’s performance in the World Cup and my ability to create a life I enjoy are two entirely disparate entities. And yet, regardless of what it means for my personal life, I can’t help but hope against hope that the answer to whether Argentina will be the 2022 World Cup Champion is yes.

DECEMBER 19 – JANUARY 2

SLANDER

Mass & Mundane Consumption of Art WHAT SOCIAL MEDIA AND ART CAN TELL US ABOUT EMPTY AESTHETICS

BY QUINN McCLURG Despite having two accounts before, I only really started scrolling on Instagram after making my third account. I made this account exclusively to post my photography; however, I curated my feed to comprise only other artists. This is where the scrolling began, but I justified it as a means of supporting artists and consuming enriching content; after all, if the content is meaningful, then time spent consuming it is not wasted. I made that account three years ago, and I’ve been scrolling every day since.

Roughly 700 hours later, do I view the art and media consumed as fulfilling or enriching?

I would say yes: some of my favorite poets, photographers, and painters (among other artists) call Instagram home. Do I recognize, feel, and understand this enrichment while using the app? Sometimes; further speculation requires further inquiry.

Of course, my experiment only has a sample size of one, but I believe most people like me use media in an intermittent way, something viewed to entertain oneself in the liminal spaces of day-to-day life. I use media when I’m bored in between classes, waiting for the bus, procrastinating homework, or trying to convince myself to get out of bed; I’m not looking for something profound to shatter my conceptions of the world, rather I’m looking for something pretty to look at, and man, am I in luck, because the endless scrolling feed always has more to offer.

Consumption of art on social media isn’t just about the art itself but rather how we consume

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it. Media incentivizes fast and rapid scrolling between tasks, hungry for any amount of time we can give it, and therefore lots of art that can be rapidly made and consumed is created.

Wolfgang Welsch, a philosopher, art historian, and postmodernist, summarizes this best in his essay “Aesthetics Beyond Aesthetics,” saying, “If you see the same images—however impressively they may be arranged or intended—on different channels on the same evening or repeatedly over several days, then their impact is reduced: sensation plus repetition creates indifference.”

Thus, what are perceived as “empty aesthetics” are born.

Although it is tempting to count oneself among the confused, jumbled, and self-proclaimed meaningless ranks of the postmodernists, I politely decline the invitation myself and don’t view Welsch’s truths as absolute; central to my understanding and perception of art is the belief that humans are the ultimate arbiters, appliers, and attributers of meaning. Sure, these aesthetics may seem empty or meaningless, but that is because we do not give ourselves enough time nor means to apply meaning to art and consume it in a meaningful way.

or advertisements) and spend as long as I can there, tasting every canvas or sculpture that I can. Follow my lead: sit down, gradually focus on every detail of a piece with no distractions, and stay a little past boredom; if you sit long enough with any piece of art, it will reveal itself to you.

In enough time—with enough context—you can begin to form your own personal relationship with any piece.

Dear reader, how do you spend time in a museum? In a particularly large museum, do you spend your time trying to see a little bit of everything? Are you wandering and lost, guided by others, or rigid and direct in your paths? How much time do you spend in a museum? Minutes?

Hours? As long as you need to? As long as you can? Here is what I do: I find one exhibit that I am interested in (usually known from previous visits

Repetition does not diminish meaning; however, repetition can exhaust attention and focus, therefore reducing perceived meaning. This is your invitation to live sensuously and consume art you view as meaningful in a purposeful way rather than in an absent-minded, in-between fashion.

Congratulations, you just took part in slow art, and you are now living sensuously (and certifiably at least a little bit more pretentious). Be careful not to practice this too long though, as your attention and faculties are only so limited, and, as Welsch wrote, “sensation plus repetition creates indifference.”

Is slow art the salvation of all forms of commodified art? Probably not—some media is difficult or not worthwhile to apply meaning to, and applying meaning is exhausting. However, when exposed to a platform that incentivizes fast and easily-consumable art, one must be mindful to not generalize all art, aesthetics, or media content as empty or meaningless.

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SIX ROASTS

Dave Matthews Band Chicago Rivers Incident The ultimate act of disrespect

Elizabeth Olsen

BY VERN NOWAKOWSKI I realize that Rromani’s mistreatment and misrepresentation have been in the public eye for only a short amount of time, but it is very real, and I’m tired of it. The Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver have always been—and forever will be—Jewish-Romani characters. Yet Elizabeth Olsen continues to mistreat the people she is barely representing.

Ms. Olsen has been told several times that the g-word is a slur against Roma. She has been educated on the history of the word, yet she has not changed her ways. She claims that her particular costumes and character are based on us, yet she doesn’t strive to learn anything about us.

At first, my anger was with Marvel for casting a non-Roma for a Rromani character. But now my anger lies also with Elizabeth Olsen for ignoring my people’s voices who were trying to educate her about a character that wasn’t hers to begin with. She uses stereotypes about Rromani people, calling us vagabonds and slurs that insinuate us to be thieves.

She, along with Aaron Taylor Johnson and a dialect coach, used a stereotypical Eastern European accent. Neither Johnson nor Olsen learned Romanes, the main Romani language, for their characters. You might think that this is too much to learn for an actor. If so, then why wasn’t the part given to a pre-existing Rromani actor that already knows the language?

BY CARTER STARKEY It was a fateful afternoon, August 8th, 2004, when a tour bus belonging to the Dave Matthews Band was traveling through the city of Chicago with, among other things, a blackwater tank full to the brim with human excrement.

That same afternoon, the Chicago Institute of Architecture was doing tours along the Chicago river in a small, open-roofed vessel called the “Little Lady.”

What happened in the precious few moments when these two vehicles crossed paths, the bus being on the Kinzie Street Bridge and the boat on the river below, is not for the faint of heart. The bus belonging to the beloved jam band chose to empty its tank into the Chicago River when, just at that moment, the Little Lady passed beneath it. How did the driver not notice he was dumping a whopping 800-pound payload onto the most unsuspecting group of architecture enthusiasts? And much more importantly, why did he do it? Well, we can only speculate.

I believe that this was, in fact, the most disrespectful act of the 21st century thus far. Which makes the DMB among those to be burnt in this issue. By and large, the band has skirted the hate and consequences that accompany an act of this magnitude. They were forced to pay $300,000 to environmental protection and other projects, but what about the people whose open mouths were met by the raining excrement? What about them!?

Justice may never be fully served.

Tim Burton Defamation The worlds Tim Burton builds are void of color, and his casting is no exception.

BY NATALIE WILLIAMS Tim Burton, the father of Gothic avant-garde film, is regarded as the blueprint for outcasts everywhere. With original storylines and adaptations of classics, the filmmaker is one of the most renowned of his generation.

Growing up, I was obsessed with his classics, “The Nightmare Before Christmas,” “Corpse Bride,” “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” and the like.

Upon the announcement of Netflix’s “Wednesday,” Burton fans anxiously awaited his first diverse piece of work. The casting of Jenna Ortega, a young Latina woman, seemed like a promise to fans that the director had grown beyond past controversies. Referencing the lack of diversity within his films, Burton was quoted saying, “Things either call for things, or they don’t.” Throughout the forty years Burton has been creating, Wednesday is the first of his works to feature a POC at the forefront. In “The Nightmare Before Christmas,” Ken Page, a talented Broadway actor, voiced Oogie Boogie. His 2016 adaptation of “Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children” featured Samuel L. Jackson as Barron. The problem? The only Black actors in both films were the primary antagonists.

If you thought Burton had learned from the backlash he’s received about his racial insensitivity, you’d be mistaken. “Wednesday” is no exception. Bianca, Nevermore Academy’s resident mean girl, is also Black. With so few POC represented in Burton’s work, audiences watch to see what stereotypes these characters fall prey to. Will Tim Burton ever stop demonizing people of color in an effort to uphold his incredibly white aesthetic?

As a Rromani woman, I am tired of the culture washing of my community.

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DECEMBER 19 – JANUARY 2

SIX ROASTS

Call Me By Your Name Call me by your name?

Actually don’t call me at all

BY VISHALLI ALAGAPPAN “Call Me By Your Name” is a queer, erotic coming-of-age adapted from the novel of the same name by André Aciman. The movie was very-well received when it came out, especially by straight white women; it was the height of queer representation to this demographic. To a queer brown person, the movie was frustratingly problematic.

The plot is that a 25-year-old Jewish post-doc student Oliver, played by Armie Hammer, travels to the Italian countryside to work under a professor for the summer and starts a relationship with his 17-year-old son Elio, played by Timothée Chalamet. On a good day, Chalamet looks like a 15-yearold and Hammer looks like a middle-aged man, so the age difference is jarring on screen. It’s very apparent that Elio is a child. The professor and his wife call Elio “Elly-belly” and rub his tummy. He is doe-eyed, curious, and submissive. Contrastingly, Oliver is confident, intellectual, and domineering.

The power dynamics between the duo was utterly disturbing. Oliver demands that Elio drop his pants in the hallway, performs fellatio, and leaves him vulnerable just to gain the upper hand of a situation. In another scene, Elio is embarrassed about masturbating and Oliver teases him and play-wrestles with Elio. Elio tearfully says, “ Please don’t do this… you’re f*cking hurting me,” to which Oliver responds sternly, “Then don’t fight.”

These are just some of the many awful scenes that left me absolutely uncomfortable and flabbergasted.

The queer community has been plagued by stereotypes of pedophilia and grooming since the dawn of time, so to have such a toxic ephebophilic relationship be our representation is like a slap to the face. The aesthetics and cinematography are commendable, but I was altogether disappointed by this movie. Can the directors of Hollywood please make a movie that doesn’t pander to straight white women?

THE WAKE

Spotify’s Platinum-plated Fist Large streaming platforms choke out independent artists, but are there alternatives?

BY ABBY VELA Spotify pays artists less than $0.04 for every 10 streams. If an artist uses a publisher, those few cents are split between the publisher and the artist. When we artists say that streaming platforms pay us pennies, we literally mean pennies.

But the streaming giant won’t give this information easily. In fact, if this information is available on Spotify’s website, I still haven’t found it. On Spotify’s artist site, Loud&Clear, you’ll find tons of pretty graphics telling you, “lots of people make money from their music on our site, and you can too!” Of course, this is anecdotally torn to shreds the minute you talk to a small artist who begs, “please buy our merch to help us keep making music!”

Listens don’t pay, and streaming platforms are just glorified advertising firms.

Do artists want to make their music accessible to those who can’t pay them directly or can’t see them live? Absolutely! But the truth of the matter is that Spotify and other streaming platforms make it nearly impossible to make a living off making music, especially off streams alone.

Help us, small artists, out. We love that you listen to our music on streaming platforms, but to really support us, come to our shows, pay us tips, and buy a CD if you like what you hear! We artists appreciate you all; close to none of us are in it for the money, but unfortunately, that’s what makes the world go ‘round. So until late-stage capitalism eats us all alive, support your local music scene; I promise you won’t regret it.

“I’ll Be Home For Quismois” & Camilla Cabello’s internet infamy I can’t seem to get over Camilla Cabello and her penchant for online chaos

BY SHANNA SIVAKUMAR Camilla Cabello has consistently been topping the charts since 2017, but it remains a question as to who her music is for and who is still actively listening to her. She had a good run from 2017 to 2018 as she rode the high of terminating her contract with Fifth Harmony and getting to release music on her own, but since then, she hasn’t done anything remarkable— until the holiday season hit.

Her recent single, a Mariachi-infused remake of Bing Crosby’s “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” went viral on TikTok for her pronunciation of the word “Christmas” during a live performance. I made sure to listen to the studio recording to double check and—yes, it’s pronounced as “Quismois” there as well. But “I’ll be home for ~Quismois~” is just the cherry on top of all the reasons I keep my distance from the artist.

There’s so much to say about Camilla’s internet presence and how it never seems to work in her favor. The general public has no obvious love for her, and it’s probably due to the content that gets her viral. For example, her rather unsavory video where she makes out with her now ex, Shawn Mendes, back in 2019, just caused people to cringe and look away.

Or just about any old red carpet, interview, or live performance of her with Fifth Harmony just cemented the fact that those girls were on a contract and on another wavelength than Camilla.

I’ve since outgrown my girlband phase, but I can’t seem to get over Camilla Cabello and her penchant for online chaos. And even if I’m not interested in her, she seems to show up on my feed, whether I like it or not.

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HATERS OF THE YEAR

Haters Of The Year

BY PETER NOMELAND Back when we had our Wake 20th Anniversary event, we found an old issue from one of our first years with an article titled “Haters of the Year.”

So in honor of 20 years of the Wake and our Burn Book Bizarro theme, here are five individuals and groups who hated the most in 2022.

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1. The Royal Family (Prince Charles) There is an extensive apparatus of hating that came from this family’s orbit this year, most stemming from the death of Queen Elizabeth II this fall. Whether that was memes on Twitter celebrating her death, those celebrations expanding out to Irish soccer match chants (mostly revolving around the legacy of colonialism), racism, or how annoying it is that Harry and Meghan are now Americans. But the biggest hater of them all, Prince-now-King Charles III, is the reason the family takes the top spot this year. Probably one of the most disliked individuals on the planet, the new king is mainly known for cheating on his wife Diana, getting married

to his mistress after that previous wife died, and then getting absolutely flamed for it for decades upon decades. After the Queen’s death and during the funeral proceedings, there were several videos of the new King seemingly disgusted by his new subjects touching him, which felt a little too on the nose. Any goodwill the royal family has unjustly kept over the past century probably died with the queen. Oh well, anyways….

2. Steve Sviggm This past fall, UMN board of regent member Steve Sviggim asked during a board meeting regarding the lower enrollment numbers at the Crookston because the campus is getting “too diverse.” I don’t even have to go DECEMBER 19 – JANUARY 2

HATE

into why this guy is on the list or why this is completely wrong and not even true if you do the slightest bit of research. No, this guy is a notable hater because his reasoning for this comment was that two of his friends’ children had not gone to Morris because they “just didn’t feel comfortable there.” I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say that this conversation absolutely did not happen. He really just wanted to say this racist comment, so he lied about a whole scenario to justify it.

He is still currently on the school’s board even after the comment, and no consequences for your actions is also a hater staple.

3. Tom Brady The greatest quarterback of all time, Tom Brady, has been a hater for his entire career.

Hating defenses, hating on the media for saying he likes his balls deflated, and recently hating on his former head coach and fellow hater Bill Belichick so much that he moved to Florida and won another Super Bowl without him out of pure spite. But the pinnacle of the GOAT’s hating career came this year when, after years of everyone on the planet (crucially his supermodel wife, Giselle

THE WAKE

Bundchen) begging him to retire, he finally did at the end of last season. He released a nice statement about how excited he was to spend time with his family. A month later, he unretired and is now in the process of a divorce. The man took one vacation with his family and decided he’d rather continue receiving brain injuries at age 45. He now has a new 20-something model girlfriend and says he wants to play for a few more years. As Future, the poet of our time, puts it: “Ain’t gotta call out no names, they know I’m married to the game.”

4. Selena Gomez Stay with me on this one. In her recent documentary, singer/actor Selena Gomez detailed her battle with lupus, including her kidney transplant back in 2017. Doing press for the film, she told Rolling Stone, “I never fit in with a cool group of girls that were celebrities.

My only friend in the industry really is Taylor [Swift], so I remember feeling like I didn’t belong.” This is cool and all, except when you remember that the person who gave her the aforementioned kidney is Francia Raisa, an

actress who is also “in the industry.” Under a post referencing this quote on Instagram, Raisa simply commented, “interesting.” After the usual social media back and forth, the two unfollowed each other on social media, and the rest of us were left to speculate. That’s when internet detectives found old interview clips of Raisa describing the much harder post-transplant recovery she faced and that, most crucially, she was not the one who suggested the transplant between the two in the first place. If true, pressuring your friend into giving you their kidney and then saying that, actually, Taylor Swift is a better friend is some of the craziest hating I’ve ever heard of.

5. Landlords (written by an undisclosed Wake staff member) I’m getting really personal with this one.

Property management at the UMN is seedy, to say the least, making the people deem their landlords quite possibly the scum of the earth. There’s an entire document written by UMN Legal dedicated to property management companies that have been “blacklisted” for the fresh hell they’ve put their tenants through. Stories range from rotting stairs to sizable plaster lumps on the wall that turned out to be painted-over cockroaches.

It’s safe to say I found this list rather late.

I have spent the last month on a couch because my landlord can’t seem to fix the deadly sewer gas leak in my room. They’ve tried everything from Drano® to pouring ten gallons of water down the pipes without ever hiring an actual plumber. One day they even went into the polluted room to up our thermostat and promptly fixed absolutely nothing despite the noxious smell. When I asked to forgo rent, our landlord offered me and my four roommates a shared $100 laundry credit instead. My response is to give this soulless career the cherished fifth place on the hater list.

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