SUMMER BREAK ANNOUNCED

Throughout the past week, nearly all national governments, except for the nations currently in a state of anarchy (they are happy enough), have convened to discuss plans, logistics, and timelines for the first-ever, but hopefully annual, global, summer break. While this groundbreaking announcement is still in the works and is expected to come out towards the end of the month, here is what we know for now and how to best prepare.

Since such an affair has never happened before, many of us don’t know what proceedings we can expect. For starters, all governments will effectively “stop” for the duration of the summer break. It should be noted that we received the word “stop” in quotations due to the fact that it was defined as, “the cessation of lying, mishandling taxpayer money, partisan gerrymandering, partisan hate, and another 34 pages of unnecessary government actions.” While we’ve never seen such drastic changes, our analysts predict that there may actually be benefits from this government “stop”.

Furthermore, there have been numerous global agreements that hold to cease and desist all ongoing wars, violence, terrorism, famine, sickness, and another two pages of conditions. It is rumored that for the duration of the break, the homeless will be given homes and the starving will be given food.

Despite this, many are skeptical as to how governments have convinced bad people, like terrorists or criminals, to not commit any acts of violence.

Here is what Rick (we asked for a last name, he said it’s his right not to have one), a common criminal who has committed many crimes, worthy of criminal charges, said, “Yeah I mean at the end of the day, crimes are crimes, and it’s obviously a career if you choose it, but I think anyone can appreciate a good break when they're given one”. Well said, Rick.

Many people are concerned that once we try this “summer break” we’re going to want more of it and it will become a sort of trap that won’t let us get back to reality. To ensure that this doesn’t happen, the governments have tasked a person who they believe can take something beautifully inspiring and interesting, and turn it into a dull instrument to make money. The head of the popular non-profit, CollegeBoard, has accepted the offer.

There are already conspiracy theories as to whether or not this is a grandiose senior prank from all high school seniors across the world, but for that, we’ll have to wait and see.