Changing Relationships Carers Toolkit

CHANGING RELATIONSHIPS TOOLKIT

This Changing relationships toolkit aims to help you to become more aware of how your caring role might impact your relationships and provide useful information, advice and resources to support you if you experience difficulties in relationships as a result of being a carer

The Toolkit will highlight the vital role relationships play in your health and wellbeing, whether that’s with the person you care for, family, friends or your wider community. It will explore the significant changes and losses you may experience in relationships when you are a carer. It will also show how emotions and typical communication styles can influence the quality of your relationships and offer some tips and ideas as well as further resources that may help you improve your relationships.

Please also get in touch if you would like to access additional support from a carer advisor. If you are already linked to a carer advisor you can contact them directly or call 01224 727670 email carers.shire@vsa.org.uk to make a self-referral.

The Importance of Relationships

As humans, the quality of our relationships is fundamental to our health and wellbeing and a recent report by the Mental Health Foundation explains why relationships are so important for our happiness and quality of life.

However, if you have a caring role, this may have a negative impact on your relationships in some way. You may find it’s more difficult to maintain existing relationships or develop new ones. Those who were once closest to you such as family, friends and work colleagues may not understand your caring situation or you may feel unable to open up to them in the same way as you once did. This leads to feeling lonely and isolated, which in turn affects your health and wellbeing. It is vitally important to develop relationships where you feel connected and understood. This is where the Carers Resource Service can help. There are lots of opportunities to meet other carers, helping you feel less alone and more able to access helpful relationships.

Find out more here.

Changes and Loss in Relationships

Many people will experience significant changes and losses in their lives and relationships as a result of becoming a carer and you might find the Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Grief/Loss model useful. It may help normalise the emotions and feelings you experience and highlight the “grieving” process you are going through for the changes in your life and relationships.

• Denial. Displaying fewer emotions and generally being quiet. You may be thinking ‘this is not happening to me’!

• Anger. Generally becoming more physically involved, higher louder emotional states are displayed, you may be argumentative and possibly blaming others. You may be wondering ‘why is this happening to me?’

• Bargaining. At this stage, emotions remain high. You may be demonstrating more involvement in the situation, questioning the situation and searching for a different outcome, looking for a way out of it. You may propose ‘I promise I’ll ...such and such... If otherwise...’

• Depression. Displaying signs, you do not care, being reclusive, and pushing away others, not in the same situation. You may be thinking ‘why bother, what’s the point, who cares anyway’.

• Acceptance. You have come to peace with the outcome. Displaying a new attitude and hopefulness for what remains. You are prepared and ready to face the caring role.

These stages can be a short or lengthy process depending on your circumstances or you may not go through the Kubler-Ross stages of grief at all? It’s also important to understand that these stages can be experienced in any order or all at one time and maybe experienced at various times during your caring role.

Change of Roles/Dynamics in the Relationship

You may have experienced significant changes in the dynamics of the relationship you have with the person you are caring for. Whether you are caring for a parent, a spouse or a sibling you may notice resistance to this change either in yourself or in the cared-for person. You may be taking on the household chores or become the main earner. You may be carrying out personal care or taking charge of the finances and making welfare decisions. All of these changes are likely to have some emotional impact to a greater or lesser degree and it’s useful to see this as “normal” and not beat yourself up if you feel anger and resentment. This is where connecting with other carers can be particularly useful through carer groups and events. You may also find the book “The Selfish Pigs Guide to Caring” by Hugh Marriot helpful? Many carers have felt it’s really “struck a chord” with them and reinforced that it’s natural to have some negative feelings in your caring role.

Relying on Others/Asking for Help

One difficulty that many carers can experience is that you may need help from family and friends or professionals such as social workers, Occupational Therapists and Care workers. This may be experienced as being a burden or as a sign that you are weak and not able to cope. You may use phrases like “I should be able to cope” or “I don’t want to be a burden”. When you must rely on other people you may feel a sense of guilt, failure and resentment and these negative emotions make it even harder to accept the help and support of others.

How Emotions Impact Relationships

Our emotions and feelings not only influence how we feel about ourselves but how we feel about others and therefore can have a big impact on relationships. “We don’t see the world as it is but as we are.” If you imagine wearing a unique pair of specs with lenses shaped by how you feel, now imagine how your relationships might be experienced through your particular lenses? As a carer, you might be aware of feeling, angry, anxious and depressed as a result of your caring role and it might be useful to have an understanding of how these emotions can impact your thoughts and behaviours. This information can allow you to have more insight and ultimately allow you to look at how you can cope with these negative feelings in healthier ways.

FEELINGS/ EMOTION THOUGHTS

ANGRY

Resentful, Frustrated, Impatient, Irritated

ANXIOUS

Panicky, On Edge, Scared, Nervous

DEPRESSED

Hopeless, Helpless, Sad, Unhappy

Assume the worst:

•It’s not fair!

• I’ve been treated badly!

•I’ve been let down!

Overestimate danger underestimate the ability to cope:

•I am in danger!

• The worst possible thing is going to happen

•I won’t be able to cope

Negative beliefs about self/world

•I am worthless

• Things will never get better

•I have lost everything

BODY REACTION BEHAVIOURS

Urge to Attack Tension, Increased Heart Rate/Breathing, Difficulty Concentrating

Urge to Escape/Avoid Tension, Increased heart rate/breathing, Difficulty concentrating

Argue, Confront, Fight, Sulk, Shout, Snap, Verbal/physical aggression

Avoid People/Places, Runaway/Escape, Fidget, Use Unhelpful ways of Coping e.g. Drinking too much

Urge to Withdraw Lack of Energy/Feeling T ired, Disturbed Sleep, Loss of Appetite,Difficulty Concentrating

Ruminate on negative thoughts,Changes in sleep patterns, Withdraw/isolate socially, Do less

The Impact Of Communication Styles On Relationships

There are 3 general communication styles and you may recognise your style of communication in the table. Sometimes we have a mixture of communication styles that we use with different people or in different situations. It might be helpful to reflect on this and whether your style has an impact on your relationships. It might also be useful to think about changing your communication style if you feel you tend to be more passive or aggressive.

PASSIVE ASSERTIVE AGGRESSIVE

GENERAL Compliant, submissive puts self down, praises others; “I don’t mind… That’s fine”

BELIEFS

• You are ok and I am not

• Others are more important so what they think doesn’t matter

Firm but polite, clear messages, respectful of self and others; “That’s a good idea and how about…. I can see that but I would really like…”

• I am ok and you are ok

• Everyone is equally important and deserving of respect all opinions are valid

Superior, sarcastic, always right, disrespectful of others; “This is what we are doing and if you don’t like it tough!”

BODY LANGUAGE

•Avoids eye contact

• Closed posture and fidgets with hands and body

CONSEQUENCES

• Gives in to others does not get what they want

• Self-critical

• Feels bad about themselves

•Angry, resentful

• Warm friendly eye contact

• Relaxed open posture and gestures

• I am ok and you are not

• They are entitled to have things done their way the needs of others are less important

• Staring intense or emotionless eye contact

• “Threatening” postures and gestures

• Invades others personal space

• Healthy relationships with others

• Happy with communication outcomes and able to compromise

• Content, happy, accepting

• Not well-liked unhealthy relationships

• Feels bad about themselves

• Angry, resentful

How to Share Thoughts and Feelings Effectively

An “I” message or “I” statement is a style of communication that focuses on the feelings or beliefs of the speaker rather than thoughts and characteristics that the speaker attributes to the listener. For example, a person might say to his or her partner, “I feel abandoned and worried when you consistently come home late without calling” instead of demanding, “Why are you never home on time?”

Role of “I” Statements in Communication

Thomas Gordon developed the concept of an “I” statement in the 1960s and contrasted these statements to “you” statements, which shift blame and attributions to the listener. “I” statements enable speakers to be assertive without making accusations, which can often make listeners feel defensive. An “I” statement can help a person become aware of problematic behaviour and generally forces the speaker to take responsibility for his or her thoughts and feelings rather than attributing them— sometimes falsely or unfairly—to someone else.

When used correctly, “I” statements can help foster positive communication in relationships and may help them become stronger, as sharing feelings and thoughts honestly and openly can help people grow closer on an emotional level.