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PM 41481024



contents 2010 : VOLUME 1 : ISSUE 30


Diana Maje

To celebrate the coming of Spring, this stunning little ski bunny is our gift to you. You’re welcome!

40 Who Da Man?

Do you really think a nice car, a tailored suit and a fauxhawk make you a man? We’d love to see you try and measure up to these guys!.

46 Zed’s Dead!

Get your motor running and head out on the highway ... but look out for those guys riding choppers. They’re real bad asses!

58 Rockin’ Down Under

Airbourne’s Joel O’Keeffe probably couldn’t break out a classic Hendrix solo on Guitar Hero, but this Aussie rocker sure can bring it on stage.

ON THE COVER: photograph by



contents 2010 : VOLUME 1 : ISSUE 30


62 52



64 22

55 16 14





8 Letters

14 Vexology

20 Movies

30 Fitness

60 Just For Fun

10 Jokes

16 Fresh Faces

22 VEX-Rated

52 Girl Spotting

62 Coffee Break

12 Out & About

18 Music

24 Test Drive

55 Comic Stripped

64 Parting Shot

We thought we were unlisted.

The Gin-ealogy of a fine drink.

Angie Rempel: YOWZA!

Cheer up, sourpuss!

Fight! Fight! Fight!


The latest toe-tappers.


Get your popcorn ready.

Facing off at home.

Group Think = Group Stink!

Get moving, lard ass!

Erin Hansen: We love pink!

Don’t shoot the comedian.

April Fool’s, bitches!

Getting that golfing itch.

Sunday Lynne Cyre: Yes!!!


Mark G. Bilodeau Creative Director

Jeremy Nielsen Assistant Editor

Christopher Bloomfield Artistic Director

David Aaronson Director of Design

Andrew DeVore Senior Designer

Damian Fehmel Executive Assistant Andrew “McLovin” Corry Production / Pre-Press Assistant

Bonny Leung

Chief Photographer

Trevor Howell | Contributing Photographers

Mark G. Bilodeau, Mike Bradley, David Ford, Barry Hammond, Christian Lantry, Dave Medoro, Jeremy Nielsen Contributing Writers

Greg Beharrell, J.D. Bermudez, Samantha Blake, Christopher Bloomfield, Barry Hammond, Seth Miller, David Nuttall, Bill Robinson, Nic Russo, Jonathan Stoddart, Joe Vespaziani Graphic & Web Design

Mathieu Prouse PrePress

Russell Greenlay Advertising Inquiries:

Alberta Sales Office Box 28007 Cranston RPO Calgary, AB. T3M 1K4 (403) 520-0116 Distributed by

Bilodeau Media Group VEX Ltd. Canada Post VM is published six times per year by © 2008 VEX Ltd. All Rights Reserved. PM41481024 Return undeliverable items to: VEX Ltd. Box 28007 Cranston RPO Calgary, AB. T3M 1K4 GST# 86889 5715 RT0001 All Trademarks presented in this magazine are owned by the registered owner. All advertisements appearing in this magazine are the sole responsibility of the person, business or corporation advertising their product or service. For more information on VEX Magazine’s Privacy Policy and Intention of Use, please see our website at www. All content, photographs and articles appearing in this magazine are represented by the contributor as original content and the contributor will hold VEX Magazine Ltd. harmless against any and all damages that may arise from their contribution. All public correspondence, which may include, but is not limited to letters, e-mail, images and contact information, received by VEX Magazine becomes the property of VEX Ltd. and is subject to publication. To have unsolicited manuscripts, photographs and other material returned, it must be accompanied by a self-addressed return envelope with postage pre-paid. VEX Magazine is not responsible for loss, damage, or any other injury to unsolicited manuscripts, photographs, artwork or material. Reproduction of this publication in whole or in part without written consent from the publisher is strictly prohibited.



God Bless America

I thoroughly enjoyed your segment regarding the history of football movies [Issue 29]. I had no clue there were so many. Americans truly love their football, don’t they? Ken C via e-mail Yes, Ken, they certainly do. Almost as much as they love their guns and their porn. We were thinking that in our next issue we’d do a piece on films that feature guys blowing their load. We’ll let you figure out which of those two topics we’re actually going to cover.

Deferring Our Interest

Lucky Duck

The pictures you guys ran of Playboy model, Marcie Lynn, were phenomenal. She is, without a doubt, one of the most gorgeous women I have ever seen. And I was especially pleased to see you guys running her picture on the cover. Hockey coaches and rock stars are OK, I guess, but I always gravitate to your magazine like a duck to water when you’ve got a girl on the cover. Alex Boller Calgary, AB So, what you’re saying is, every time we put a model on the cover, you have an uncontrollable need to molt and bottom-feed? Why wouldn’t you just masturbate like everybody else? You’re a sick man, Alex.



I just picked up a copy of your most recent edition in Edmonton. This is my first time seeing this magazine and I must say that I am quite impressed. I think that it’s wonderful to have a magazine like this in Alberta. Having something like this, that is made in our own back yard, shows how Alberta can be just as creative and exciting as anyone south of the border. I, myself, am a realtor in Edmonton. I have a book coming out this summer which details a lot of what’s happened in Alberta’s real estate market. If your magazine is ever in need of an article that talks about or focuses on real estate, I’d love to pitch in, no fee. Sam H Edmonton, AB Tell you what, Sam ... We’re currently in the market for a new pad. Nothing too ostentatious. We’re thinking something along the lines of that little party shack Hef’s got out in California. Do you think you could find us something around 6000sq feet with a pool and a six-car garage for under $15K? We’re on a bit of a budget.

Paging Dr. Bruce Banner

I thought you guys did a terrific job on your article, “Stuck in a Moment With a Serial Killer.” [Issue 29] I remember hearing about this years ago when I was in high school. I never knew

Sean Doyle was a teacher. Any news coverage I remember seeing about this incident only ever referred to him as a security guard. It really makes you wonder what a human being is truly capable of, when faced with immense challenge. Rob Gilinsky via e-mail We know exactly what you’re talking about, Rob. Last week, our intern, Chad, found his pet hamster trapped under half of a giant Hungarian salami. Chad turned all green and started to growl. We figured he was going to use his super strength to lift the salami off of his hamster, but he just ran to the bathroom and puked for an hour. Turns out he ate the other half of that salami about an hour before. We have no idea whatever happened to that hamster.

Vex And The City

Those feet, standing on the scale in your Fitness section were totally disgusting! Do they belong to someone who works for the magazine? Karen Babcock via e-mail They’re actually not feet, Karen. It’s really a photo of Sarah Jessica Parker looking into a mirror.

GET YOURSELF PUBLISHED IN VM! You could be one of the happy few who sings our praises. Or you could be one of the vast masses who want to give us a blinding junk punch. Either way, if you want your letter published here, you gotta write us first. Drop us a line at

jokes Wait ... What’d I Say??? “Doc,” says Steve, “I want to be castrated.” “What on earth for?” asks the doctor in amazement. “It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done,” replies Steve. Last Exit To Crazyville

A nurse in a mental institution walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car. The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?” And Charlie replies, “Driving to Chicago!” The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day, the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well Charlie, how are you doing?” Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago.” “Great,” replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With surprise she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?” Bob says, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!” The Honeymoon’s Over A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, “How was the honeymoon?” “Oh, mama,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...” Suddenly, she burst out crying. “But mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language... things I had never heard before! I mean, all these awful four-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home. Please, mama!” “Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words?” “Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter. “I’m so embarrassed. They’re just too awful! Come get me, please!” “Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!” Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!”



Say What?! An older gentleman had lost his hearing aid and wanted to get a new one. Before getting the new hearing aid, he wanted his ear cleaned out, so he went to his doctor. As the doctor was cleaning his ears, he noticed a foreign object lodged in the man’s ear canal. With a pair of tweezers, the doctor removed the object. Upon closer examination, he discovered that it was a suppository. The doctor told the older gentleman that he had a suppository stuck in his ear. At this, the man exclaimed, “Now I know where I put my hearing aid!”

“But have you thought it through properly?” asks the doctor, “It’s a very serious operation and once it’s done, there’s no going back. It will change your life forever!” “I’m aware of that and you’re not going to change my mind -either you book me in to be castrated or I’ll simply go to another doctor.” “Well, ok,” says the doctor, “but it’s against my better judgment.” So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. “Hi there,” says Steve, “it looks as if you’ve just had the same operation as me.” “Well,” said the patient, “I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised.” Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, “Shit! THAT’S the word!








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David N uttall is the presid Epicure ent of an Cal (www.e gary picure ancalg and m m) Enoteca anager of Li and Spe quor Store ci al ty W (www.e njoywin ines

Casablanca © Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.



IN JOINTS? When and where did these wonderful places exist? Thanks to Prohibition, terms like “gin-mills” or “ginjoints” were used to describe disreputable bars or speakeasies, and “gin-soaked” referred to drunks. Not the best reputation for what is otherwise a fine spirit. While Gin is a simple grain spirit, and juniper berry its main ingredient, it is the mixture of botanicals and spices that give each gin their unique flavour. Cinnamon, orris root, anise, lemon peel, orange peel, lime peel, grapefruit peel, angelica root, licorice root, cubeb, savory, dragon eye, saffron, baobab, coriander, frankincense, nutmeg, kawa kawa berries, manuka berries, cucumber, cassia bark, rose, baobab, Cape gooseberry, rangpur limes, Asian longan fruit, and many other fruits and spices many of us have never heard of are all used in various secret combinations by different distillers. Unlike vodka, gin is usually redistilled after being infused with these flavourings, leading to a crisper, higher quality spirit.


Gin grew out of Genever, a liquor produced by the Dutch since the 16th century. The word itself is an English shortening of jenever, the Dutch word for juniper. In the late 1580’s, the British troops fighting against the Spanish in the Dutch War of Independence found the juniper-flavoured spirit they drank gave them what was called “Dutch courage” in battle. In 1688, the Dutch Protestant William of Orange and his English wife Mary became co-rulers of England after the “Glorious Revolution” drove James II from the throne, and proceeded to inhibit importation of brandy and wine from Catholic countries by attaching high tariffs and taxes to their imports. To fill this void, he abolished taxes and licensing fees for grain spirits such as gin and, by the early 1700’s, London had become the gin producing capital of the world. By the 1900’s, the less sweet London Dry Gin had become the most popular style of gin. Of course, cheap and plentiful alcohol has a way of creating, shall we say, a less sober population, and cheap gin began to earn its reputation as the drink for drunks, since the


Casablanca (1942)

Gin & Juice (Snoop Dogg)

“Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.”

“...With my mind on my money and my money on my mind.”



juniper flavour helped cover up the harshness of low grade grain spirits. With the British Navy exporting gin around the world to help suppress the bitterness of the quinine-containing tonic water they drank to prevent malaria in foreign outposts, one of the earliest and most famous mixed drinks was born. Gin’s relative ease of production favoured it to be the illegal liquor of choice during Prohibition, leading to the development of “bathtub” gins and to its resurgence in popularity legally after repeal of Prohibition laws, due to the fact it requires none of the aging whiskies and rums do. However, since the end of World War II, vodka has led the cocktail generation with its flavourless mixability and versatility in mixed drinks. Even the most famous cocktail of all, the Gin Martini has been corrupted into a vodka drink to most people. The last 60 years have seen gin sales sag as vodka soared. Yet, quality gin will always have a place in the bar and the “no rules” approach to gin production will have attributed to its return to prominence in the white spirit category.

MIX THIS DRINK Bulldog (over ice) 2 oz. London Dry Gin 2 oz. Orange Juice 4 oz. Gingerale

fresh faces


She’s a platinum blonde administrative assistant who enjoys some down home bar-b-q and hitting the gym to work up a good sweat. She’s also got a major soft spot for animals. Sorry, boys ... we’re talking dogs and horses here ... not you and your crew on a Friday night. But nice try though.

What’s playing in your iPod lately? That Crystal Method song from Tropic Thunder. If you’ve seen the movie, you’ll know what song I’m talking about. It’s great for a cardio session. Did you like the movie? Loved the movie! I can’t laugh enough. The humour in that movie is set exactly to what makes me laugh. In my mind, Tom Cruise should have received an award for this one. Got any bad habits you’d like to make sure our readers never find out about? Speeding ... sweeping dirt under the stove ... and drinking pickle juice. Did you just say you drink pickle juice? I’m a goof! If I could drink liquid out of a licorice straw all day, that would be me.



How about pet peeves? Pants that hang past a guy’s crack and the people of WalMart! So what kind of things do you look for in a guy? Intelligent, clean cut, funny. I like genuinely nice men that have a dog or two at home ... and maybe a horse! And what do you prefer your guys to wear ... boxers, briefs or commando? Commando on a guy just makes me laugh for some reason. I’m fine with boxer or briefs. Just as long as they’re clean!

“I love Strongman competitions and UFC fights.”


FROM THE STUDIO The latest music you should own. AIRBOURNE NO GUTS. NO GLORY. We’re as tired of hearing the AC/DC comparisons as the guys in the band are, but these lads from Down Under are the living definition of “balls to the wall.”

LL COOL J ALL WORLD 2 A new Greatest Hits compilation from the man whose streetsaavy hip-hop moniker actually means Ladies Love Cool James. LL was born James Todd Smith.



He’s proven himself to be one of the most prolific hit-makers of our generation. And once again, Timothy Mosley (aka Timbaland) drops a new collaborative album featuring some of the biggest names in recording today.

Original guitarist Paul Phillips returns for this album, which was once rumoured to be titled Jacket on the Rack.

TIMBALAND TIMBALAND PRESENTS SHOCK VALUE II The production mogul began working on this album back in 2008. In March 2009, a fake track listing for the album was “leaked” online, alluding that the album would feature collaborations with Madonna and Akon. Although neither of those artists actually appear on the album, Timbaland has stayed true to form and brought in some of today’s heavies, like Justin Timberlake and Chad Kroeger.

SOMASTATE THE PHYSICS DEMOS The bold vocals and punchy guitar licks on this Calgary band’s EP has us greatly anticipating the release of their full-length album later this year.

ON THIS DAY IN MUSIC HISTORY MARCH 12, 1998 Volatile Oasis frontman, Liam Gallagher, is officially banned for life by Cathay Pacific Airlines due to an incident of air rage, which was reportedly ignited over a scone. Liam responded by saying “I’d rather walk.”


MARCH 18, 1994 Four guns and 25 boxes of ammo were confiscated from Kurt Cobain after his wife, Courtney Love, called police fearing he was going to commit suicide. Three weeks later, Cobain was found dead.


MARCH 20, 1991 Eric Clapton’s 4-year-old son, Conor, dies after falling from a 53rd-storey New York City apartment window and landing on the roof of an adjacent four-storey building. Clapton would record the song Tears in Heaven as a tribute to his son.

MARCH 24, 1998 Amway Corp. announced that it had agreed to pay $9 million to settle a lawsuit over the company’s illegal use of songs by top artists in its videotaped sales pitches.

MARCH 27, 2002 Lyle Lovett was trampled by a bull while trying to help his uncle, who had just been thrown by the same animal. Lovett’s lower right leg was broken in several places.


FROM THE SOUND STAGE Here’s the skinny on the latest flicks you need to see. BROOKLYN’S FINEST From director Antoine Fuqua (Training Day), comes a gritty film about three Brooklyn cops and their struggles with the job. Let’s hope this one gets Wesley Snipes back in the black.

SHE’S OUT OF MY LEAGUE opens March 12, 2010

GENERATION OLYPHANT With his inimitable rheumatic gait, Timothy Olyphant steps out of supporting role purgatory to make his mark as a notable leading man.


In THE CRAZIES, a quasi-remake of the 1973 cult classic, our man Olyphant plays sheriff David Dutton in the little town of Ogden Marsh, Iowa. The town’s water supply has been contaminated by some mysterious toxin that turns the locals into psychopathic, flesh-hungry demons. With the help of his far-too-sexy-to-beliving-in-Iowa wife (Rhada Mitchell) and two other unaffected townies, it’s up to the good sherrif to figure out how to set things right while having to fight for their own survival. The Crazies opens in theatres on February 26, 2010.

I.T. NERDS UNITE! TRON LEGACY is the highly anticipated 3D sequel to one of the biggest cinematic failures of all time. It’s gonna be awesome! Due out in theatres in December 2010


THE WOLFMAN now playing in theatres

A PERFECT GETAWAY Catch Olyphant in this chilling tale of murder and deception, set in the lush tropical jungles of Hawaii. On DVD & Blu-Ray


Although the original film was a theatrical failure, the arcade videogame based on TRON proved to be a massive hit and actually out-grossed the film.


Jeff Bridges produced too much of a crotch-bulge in his computer outfit, and was reportedly forced to wear a dance belt to conceal it. The showoff!


A film that gives hope to all of us average Joes. It’s a screaming comedy about a perfect 10 hottie that finds something to love in a run-o--the-mill geek. Hey, we can always dream, can’t we?

Del Toro, in his recent interview with MAXIM, said that we should all take our ladies to see this film because we might score some second base action in the theatre. Muchas gracias por el consejo, Benicio!

The Crazies © 2010 Alliance Films Inc. All Rights Reserved. / Brooklyn’s Finest © 2010 Alliance Films Inc. All Rights Reserved. She’s Out Of My League © 2009 DW STUDIOS L.L.C. All Rights Reserved. / The Wolfman © 2010 Universal Studios. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. TRON Legacy © Disney Enterprises, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

opens March 5, 2010






(ICE) This bad boy weighs in at about 185lbs. The fully digital scoreboard over centre ice along with a complete library of realistic sounds puts you right in the game. The bright red pedestal is a bit of an eyesore, but thanks to SML Entertainment right here in Alberta, we have the exclusive privilege of getting it in all white. $3295,


a 2:1 spin ratio which makes for wicked slapshots. And the built-in clutch mechanism offers the necessary give when there’s player-to-player contact. $1100,


(CARROM) The simple red and blue plastic players don’t really make the strongest impression, but the black marble-finished Melamine cabinet and adjustable four-leg system make this one sweet looking piece of furniture. $795,


(PERFORMANCE GAMES INC) It’s not going to win any beauty contests, that’s for sure. And the manual puck-drop and lack of a scoreboard make this gaming experience pretty basic at best. The one thing you can count on though is durability. This puppy is a tank and it’ll last until your grand-kids have grand-kids. $1999,


(SHELTI) The low-profile dome makes it easier to eyeball your opponent and up the intimidation factor. The gearing system allows






test drive


OCHO STINKO! When it comes to the vehicles we drive, we all have a pretty strong opinion about what we like and what we don’t like. Auto reviewer, Christopher Bloomfield, breaks down the eight cars driving on our roads today that, in his opinion, never should have been manufactured in the first place.



Hummer H3, GMC Canyon & Pontiac G6 GXP Š GM Corp.


HIS IS HOW IT WORKS. Every car company has a team of designers that do nothing but draw cool stuff all day. These designs then go into the hands of engineers who figure out how to make it work. They are mandated to keep costs within a certain budget so inevitably things get changed slightly. Once they are finished with the design, it gets passed through the hands of many different types of idiots who in turn, make small changes to fit their agendas (be they corporate or personal) until you’re left with an end product that no longer functions well and looks nothing like the original design. We see numerous examples of this driving around our lovely Alberta roads. When you’re in a dealership looking for a new family hauler (trying desperately not to slap the living hell out of the sales guy) and you see a vehicle that just looks bad, rest assured, a whole group of people spent a great deal of time and money jerking around with a good idea and turning it into the big pile of donkey dung parked before you. Today we focus on some wonderful examples of “group think” in action. And so begins my first list of the crappiest vehicles on the road today.

HONDA FIT Really? Is this some type of experiment to see how far you can push the “it’s a Honda, so it’s cool” envelope? I should mention the positives to keep the Honda fanboys happy. It’s good on gas. The end. This unfortunately doesn’t make up for the terrible fit and finish, the abysmal engine power, and that oh so uninspired shape. Although the lumbering handling characteristics do create an interesting drive and it makes for a fun road game ... “how many corners can I take before I tip right over?”

: AIMcErapRpy” L C S I D rd “ s the wo

ou of Think aving numer ticle as h is ar th in gs esign meanin from bad d to e g e n c that ra d performan as ... I to ba simple y list, ing as m someth ’t like it. It’s that. n o just do allowed to d so I’m

FORD FLEX DODGE CALIBER You just know that the engineers behind this one were given two parameters: make it feel like cheap plastic and make it look like the love child of a PT Cruiser and a Ram truck. People still buy it though; I’d imagine because it has an iPod plug-in and a fridge in the glove box. Some people even go as far as paying close to $40K for the SRT version. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, guys ... you can’t outrun ugly.



You’re listening, but you’re not hearing me. It’s a station wagon. It even has body lines down the sides and trunk that indicate where the cheesy fake wood grain should be glued on. In the early 70’s, GM took this exact design and added a little bit more glass to the roofline, angled the top a little more aggressively, actually added the wood grain and called it the Vista Cruiser. I love seeing guys drive this thing around doing the gangsta lean and acting all “Yo, it ain’t no minivan, bitches!” You’re right, it isn’t ... it’s what minivans came from.



It started off well, the original design was six inches wider and it had more power, but instead the confused old people at GM decided that they needed a grossly underpowered, poorly handling and overweight pretend SUV for soccer moms, so this was the result. They used the anemically-powered platform from a Colorado pick-up for the base and threw on a million extra pounds and ... Ta-Da! Mediocrity! I really enjoyed the addition of the truck because welding a long box to the ass doesn’t look odd at all.

If ever there was an advertisement that fit the look of the car to a tee it’s this one. You’ve seen it. It’s the one where they show a split screen with one side being the nice glove and the other side being the work glove. That’s exactly how this car must have been designed; with one team looking at only the front half and one team looking only at the back. I’m guessing communication between the two was severed rather early in the planning stages as the front and back halves look like they came from two entirely different vehicles. I also enjoyed how they raised the back window line because it’s usually a good thing to limit what drivers can see behind them. It’s not like anyone looks anyway.

I looked at one of these for a daily driver. Did you know that in the extended cab model there is really no back seat? Well, OK, it’s there ... kind of. The back seat consists of about a foot of space filled with a six inch bench and a pad that’s glued to the back wall of the cab. I would expect that level of quality in a Lada perhaps? Not in a truck that stickers out at $30K in some models. The lack of effort that went into creating this truck was so obvious that I felt bad for the guys who had to sell it. This one hurts me because I used to talk up domestic trucks big time.



I get what you’re marketing here: save the world by paying too much for a status car with the build quality of a cheap sub compact. Hey, at least it’s ugly too. The funniest part is that now other companies are making cars that get better gas mileage than this hunk of enviro-friendly junk that aren’t even hybrids. I’m all for doing my part to save the planet, but this car is not about that at all. It’s elitism masquerading as socialism. If it weren’t, it would be available for under $20K. When it comes to environmentalism, do what you can when you can ... but don’t sit there and tell me that you actually give a shit when your dealerships are trying to sell this festering pile above the MSRP. It’s a phony! A big fat phony!

The coupe ... the spoiler ... the demise of Pontiac? An argument could be made that this car singlehandedly caused the end of the Pontiac namesake. After all, the G6 coupe was supposed to be one of the cars to bring the name back into the performance realm. And what’s the best way to do this? Why, glue an airplane wing to the hatch of course. Obviously, the spoiler was a design afterthought, I mean look at it, man! No one could have honestly thought that was a good idea. But in its defense, the whole G6 idea, in general, was really just a gimmick. A multi-piece sunroof in place of a perfectly fine single piece? I could go on but it’s best to not talk about the dead. Oh Pontiac, it was a chill division of GM, it just always tried too hard to fit in.

Well there you have it, my first ever list of crappy cars. I hope you found this entertaining and thought provoking. To all the Honda fanboys, send your hate emails to and I’m sure someone

might read them. But do us a favour and keep the “weaksauce!” and “u r the SUXX!” comments to a minimum. We here at VM are all over the age of 20 and have no idea what the hell you’re saying.



Hummer H3, GMC Canyon & Pontiac G6 GXP © GM Corp.



FROM BULGE TO BRAWN OK, you greasy tub-o-guts! You had your fun playing Santa at the office Christmas party. Heck, you even got that little hottie from accounting to sit on your lap and tell you what she wanted in her stocking. But the party’s over, butterball. Spring is upon us and summer’s just around the corner. That cuddly belly in the red suit is now just viewed as a big mushy bag of milk. And that girl from accounting? She thought you were a Santa hired from the mall. So get up and get moving on this supercharged circuit. You’ll be tightening that belt in no time. This workout was designed by our friend and Gold’s Gym guru, Nic Russo. Do each exercise once to complete the circuit and do the full circuit three times. Rest no more than 30 seconds between exercises and no more than two minutes between circuits.












Set yourself up in the standard push-up position, but put your feet up on a bench. (The coffee table will work, if you’re at home.) Let yourself down slowly, paced to a three-count. At the bottom, hold for a single count, and then explode up to the starting position. Do this ten times.

Start in a squatting position with your knees bent at 90 degrees. From there, jump up as high as you can and pull yourself into a tuck position. Try to bring your legs up to your chest, rather than bending to grab your legs. You want to keep your back as vertical as possible. Land softly back in the squat position and hold for a single count. Blast out ten of these.

You’ve seen this one on those strongman competitions. Take an even amount of weight (approx. 45 lbs) in each hand. Then just go for a walk ... slowly and controlled, while keeping your back straight ... until you just can’t hold the weight any longer. If you find that it’s too easy and you seem to be walking forever, try wrapping the grips of your weights with a towel. The thicker grip makes it harder to hold.

Begin in a deep squat. Then stand up and squat back down as quickly as you can ... over and over. After twenty seconds, stop and hold in the squat position for another ten seconds. That’s one. Do eight rounds of this. NOTE: If you have a history of knee trouble, do not squat down past the 90 degree point.

OK, creampuff, let’s do some interval training. You’re going to jog in place for two minutes. Don’t be lazy about it. Keep those knees up. Once the two minutes has elapsed, immediately break into a sprint, giving it at least 95% of your effort and go for another minute. Now, slow back down to the jogging pace and repeat. Do this a total of five times.








Diana Ma je


� If there’s one thing that can be said about Alberta, it’s that there is never a shortage of gorgeous women. The very lovely and adventurous Diana Maje works as an office manager for an Alberta Health Clinic. Between studying foreign languages (she’s currently working on Spanish) and working out in the gym every day, it would seem rare that this breathtaking bombshell could find some spare time. When she does, however, she likes to head out to the mountains for a day on the slopes or just sit at home on the Internet, researching her next travel destination. So when she agreed to spend a day in front of our cameras, we weren’t about to pass up on a golden opportunity!

take care of them.

You seemed pretty open and comfortable in front of our cameras. I’m like an open book. You get what you see ... no hidden agendas. I appreciate honesty and give it right back. I don’t believe in holding a grudge. Who needs the stress?

So you’re not into that whole “bad boy” persona? I used to be attracted to the “bad boy” type. Then I realized that wasn’t the road I wanted to continue on. You probably get a lot of guys trying to pick you up all the time, huh? (laughs) I’ve heard so many cheesy lines in my life, I could write a novel.

Any personal aspirations? I would love to be more like Donald Trump. My accountant likes to call me ‘Little Ms. Trump.’ I love investing ... especially in real estate. I would love to design and build homes with a European flair ... a castle-like feel to them.

Yeah ... we, as a species, can be a bit obnoxious at times. I really don’t know what some of these guys are thinking. (laughs) They try to make themselves look very well off and tell you about the cars and houses they own ... the shopping sprees they’re going to take you on ... blah blah blah. I even had one guy trying to tell me he had a penthouse on top of the CN Tower!

Have you done much traveling? I love to travel! A few years ago I went to Morocco. The culture there is very different from Western society. In fact, there are only men visible on the streets ... and the women can be seen inside knitting rugs. It was definitely very different from some of the other countries I’ve visited.

So you’re not impressed when a guy lays a really smooth line on you? I don’t think an actual line works on anyone. It’s the sincerity we sense in others that creates an attraction.

What sport do you think you could excel in? I’d definitely like to try downhill ski racing. I’m very competitive and I love the thrill of risk-taking. Speed and danger ... it just doesn’t get any better. What’s that one vice you just can’t give up? Ice cream! I know it’s not the best for me, but I just can’t say no. Chocolate with extra fudge and almonds ... aaahh! It really doesn’t go with my workouts and dieting, but I just can’t refuse it. And I usually have a lot more than I really should. Do you normally keep to a fairly strict diet?



I don’t eat red meat, but I love seafood. Lobster, shrimp, oysters and sushi are all on top of my list. One of my favourite dishes is this Thai lemongrass shrimp coconut soup. The taste is unforgettable! What’s the first thing you find yourself attracted to in a guy, physically? I think a nicely defined, groomed chest is the thing I would be

attracted to most. It doesn’t have to be huge and muscular ... just well defined. It needs to represent a strong and healthy individual. After that ... then what are you looking for? I expect any man to act like a gentleman. A woman should always be treated like a delicate flower ... and we know what happens to flowers when we don’t

How about cyber-dating? Ever gone out with someone you met online? I have ... and we’re still really good friends. I think it’s great to be able to view different profiles and find individuals we’re attracted to ... and share similar interests. Although, I think there should be a law that all posted pictures be dated! So many times we see pictures which were taken years ago and are far from what the person looks like now.

“I’ve heard so many cheesy lines in my life, I could write a novel.” ISSUE #30 35

Other than family or friends, is there anyone you look up to or admire? Angelina Jolie ... I respect and admire her. She’s an extremely beautiful woman who’s been less than perfect in her younger days, yet managed to become an outstanding idol for many now. She manages to maintain her career, her family, supports many great causes, takes part in fund raising and really tries to provide a lot of love and compassion to the poor and neglected. It is a pleasure to see someone beautiful on the outside as well as on the inside. A lot of times the outer looks don’t match the inner self. What’s been your greatest accomplishment over the past year? Making it down the double black diamond cliff with signs for major rocks at Lake Louise is my latest biggest achievement. I’ve always wanted to go down that cliff, but chickened out every time I got to the drop. This time I wasn’t able to see the drop until I skied over it a bit ... and then that was the point of no return ... do or die situation. So I did it! But if I knew how insanely steep and dangerous that cliff was, I think I would have backed off. The rush was so intense, I think I might have to do it again. It’s almost like an addiction. You seem like a real ‘glass is half full’ kinda person. My outlook on life is: what’s done is done. And since we can’t go back, we should keep moving forward. Don’t live in the past. Regrets are for pessimists. If they were going to make a movie about your life, what kind of film would it be? It would have to be a romantic comedy. Something with a happy ending ... light and funny to watch. I love funny, happy movies. People falling in love and a little bit of funny drama to go along with it. Who would you want to get to play you? Kate Hudson would be more than perfect to play my role. She’s funny and has great facial expressions.




• 37

“I don’t believe in holding a grudge. Who needs the stress?”



the measure of a man




or most of us, it is difficult to identify the exact moment in our lives when we passed from clueless adolescents into the rather pathetic version of what our society refers to as men. What was that moment for you? Was it the day you got your driver’s license? How about prom? Your first job? Or maybe it was the first time you made out with Sally Parker in the back seat of your parent’s minivan? If you truly think about it, do any of these really count as a true rite of passage into manhood? Probably not. In which case, shouldn’t we be asking ourselves, ‘If those were our trials, are any of us really a man?’ The answer is both sadly and most likely, no. We have grown lazy as a society, unwilling to challenge ourselves in anything more than gutless conformity and quests with safety checks. Now before you go getting all defensive that I have dismissed you as un-masculine, imagine for a moment some examples from around the globe that can be considered true rites of passage into manhood. The Satere-Mawe tribe living deep within the Amazon, allow themselves to be repeatedly bitten by bullet ants to transition themselves from boys into men. The bullet ants, whose bites are 20 times more powerful than a wasp and have the added benefit of not allowing their victims to block pain, can leave young men convulsing for over 24 hours. Not impressed? How about this. Young, male Algonquin Indians of Quebec were given intoxicating medicine known as Wysoccan, a hallucinogen one hundred times more powerful than LSD. The ritual was meant to force any memories of childhood out of the boy’s mind. Unfortunately, the effects were so extreme that in the end, the boy might not remember his name, his family, or even how to speak. Still think slobbering all over Sally matches up? Thankfully, there is still one place where our society can gather to observe the evolutionary transition of a boy into a man. The Banff Mountain Film Festival brings together movies about adventurers from around the globe in what can only be described as a celebration of how we measure a person’s worth. Through the films presented at the festival, we are able to redefine that which we once believed to be impossible. With each frame, we watch these young men destroy our mental barriers. We join them as they step over the abyss of rationality into the dangers beyond. And most importantly, we watch them truly become men.


A Rite of Loyalty This is the story of a 19-day vertical wall trip by four friends who travel to Pakistan in an attempt to summit the mythical towers of Trango Pulpit. During their 20 days on the wall, they had to haul up 300 kilograms of equipment, along with sausages



and beer to keep them going at 6,000 meters. Not only are they men for both their risk taking and diet, but one of them, upon reaching the top, base jumped his way back down, narrowly avoiding a ledge down below.


A Rite of Non-Conformity

Unicycles can be cool. I’ll wait a moment while you finish laughing. Done? Great. Seriously, I’ll say it again. Unicycles can be incredibly cool and are clearly no longer just for clown school. Revolution One follows world champion unicyclists Kris Holm and Dan Heaton as they perform on one wheel what most wouldn’t dare to attempt on two. Bouncing and sliding over rocks, logs and rails, these daredevils showcase the emerging sport of off-road unicycling. Their rite of passage involves hurtling down mountain bike trails that would destroy all but the best two wheel mountain bikers. Trust me when I say that unicycles can be cool and riding one can be a man’s challenge.


Maybe your inner demons are telling you that you won’t measure up. You weren’t the captain of the football team. You didn’t get the cheerleader. Heck, you didn’t even get her acne-riddled friend for that matter, so how could you ever expect to achieve true manhood. You’re clearly in need of a role model and you should look no further than 24-yr-old Alex Honnold, a man who climbs sheer rock faces alone and without any form of equipment. That’s right. Just his hands, feet, heart and head. He’s a Jekyll and Hyde for modern times. On the wall, Alex is considered one of the greatest athletes on the planet. Off the wall, he’s a guy who pretty much lives in his parent’s mini-van and has a lot of problems picking up girls. This film documents Alex’s successful attempt to be the first man to free climb the 2,000 foot wall of the North West face of the Half Dome in Yosemite National Park, California. When this face was first summited back in 1957, there were five guys that took five days, using all kinds of equipment. Alex did it in about three hours with no equipment. And the penalty for even one tiny mistake being death. Just hands, feet and the belief that courage is not the absence of fear, but rather knowing that there are things more important in life than fear.

KRANKED - REVOLVE A Rite of Fearlessness

A high-adrenaline mountain bike journey from the insane Megavalanche race in the French Alps to the lush coast of British Columbia, incorporating dirt jump, trail, freeride, slopestyle and downhill riding. Part of being a man is following your passion and these riders demonstrate that fear is the enemy of all things great.




This movie was awe inspiring. Filmed in one continuous shot, you look on in amazement as six speed riders kite surf their way down the mountain. Done to a killer soundtrack, your heart actually stops as they crest massive crevasses before gracefully landing on the other side. The ultimate mixture of snowboarding and sky diving in perfect flow.


A Rite of Camaraderie In 2006, Dominic Gill set out from the northern coast of Alaska with a tandem bike, a camera, and a heavy trailer. The destination was the southernmost tip of South America, but the goal was to find strangers to help pedal the 220 lb bike. It’s is a touching and downright funny tale of extraordinary characters and incidents encountered over Gill’s two year journey

across two continents. Two years and three months later, after 28,000 kms, and over 270 passengers, Dominic arrived at his final destination. He’s not done – he’s looking for his next project. Ernie, the 70-year-old rocket scientist who joined Dom for part of the trip, wants to bike across the US, proving that it’s never too late to find your rite of passage.


A Rite of Sacrifice They say that the true test of a man often comes in times of great adversity. Sometimes life is kind enough to put us through hell so we can determine what type of person we are, and other times, we are forced to seek out these challenges in order to find out what we are made of. In the case of Andrew McAuley, it was the latter. In January of 2007, McAuley set out to become the first man to kayak from Australia to New Zealand across the Tasman Sea, 1,600 kilometers of the wildest and loneliest stretch of water on Earth. Pieced together from interviews of friends and family, predeparture shots, and the one memory card from his bow-mounted video camera that survived the journey, we witness a rite of passage that slowly descends into mad-

ness. Unfortunately, the one true feeling this film gives you is unyielding sadness. With each passing clip of footage that McAuley filmed of himself while lying down inside his kayak before attempting to sleep, we see a man slowly slipping into delirium, lamenting the fact that he may never see his wife or 2-year-old son again. In the end, Andrew McAuley never made it to New Zealand. Even sadder is the fact that when his final distress call came in, he was only 30 kms off the shore of New Zealand’s South island. His body was never found. It is true that throughout history, true human accomplishments have only come at the end of great risk. Still, in the case of Andrew McAuley, we are left to wonder whether seeking out such an incredibly great risk is worth one’s life.


To make this film, six professional kayakers teamed up with the founder of the Sun Catchers Project, Rita Riewerts. As the boys take on everything from the crocodile-infested White Nile in Uganda to big-water first descents in Madagascar, Rita journeys alongside bringing solar ovens to orphanages, hospitals and communities along the

way. The moral question for adventurers when travelling to these places is ‘how do we affect the locals?’ It seemed selfish for the guys to just travel to thirteen African countries to kayak and ignore the poverty that was all around them. Sure they wanted to have fun, but men stand up and fight for those who cannot fight for themselves.


This guy might not have been the quarterback, but he definitely got the girl. In this film, star sport climber Chris Sharma takes on his greatest challenge yet: the unclimbed, 90-meter limestone cave on Mt. Clark, California. Sharma dangles from one finger, jumps between miniscule handholds and takes 30-meter free falls as he endea-

vours to make the first ascent of what will be the most difficult rock climb in the world. With his beautiful Spanish girlfriend looking on, Sharma demonstrates the true meaning of perseverance. Over and over he falls, yet with unrelenting persistence, he eventually conquers what almost no other human being on earth could.

DON’T BE AFRAID TO CELEBRATE BEING A MAN. So, maybe the men in our society will never compare to the Vanuatu Land Divers, whose rite of passage comes in the form of climbing a rickety 30 meter tower, tying a vine to their ankle, and diving off so that part of their head touches the ground. And maybe we won’t ever go through the four stages of the Matis Hunting Trials in Brazil, the first of which is dumping bitter poison directly into their eyeballs in an apparent effort to improve their senses. Still, next time you are cuddling up on the couch for date night, accompanied most likely by the screeching sound of your manhood dying, you can at least be certain, that out there, somewhere, in some of the most obscure, unheralded worlds of sport, there are young men who have not forgotten the trials one must go through in order to become a man. Men who enter into rites of passage knowing that they could be badly injured or even killed. Men who dare all of us to push the limitations of what we believe to be both possible and impossible. Feel assured that as you eat your low sodium, no butter, microwave popcorn while watching So You Think You Can Dance, that the Banff Mountain Film Festival exists so that once a year, we can come together and celebrate the trials of manhood. And who knows, after watching one of these films, you might just be inspired enough to finally find your inner man.




Mildred: , Johnny? elling again st b re ou y re a What Johnny: Waddaya got?

This famous exchange, and Brando’s lazy-rebellious delivery of the reply in the 1953 film, The Wild One, would mark the general public’s introduction to motorcycle culture. The poster of the still photograph from the film with Brando’s leather-clad, gloved arm draped loosely over the handlebars of his bike and his visor cap pulled low and at a defiant angle would become a cultural icon. It would decorate the walls and figure in the dreams of many teenagers from that period forward, both male and female. It’s the film that would make Brando a star and get Lee Marvin noticed.





ne of the landmark underground films, Scorpio Rising (1964) also had a motorcycle culture theme. Later, films like The Wild Angels (1966) and Easy Rider (1969) would bring motorcycle films into the psychedelic rock ‘n roll age. Even the dark side of the Woodstock generation, as shown in the Rolling Stones’ Altamont concert film, Gimme Shelter (1970) contained a significant motorcycle presence. We’re all familiar with the the story of the Hells Angels providing “security” for the concert and a young man being killed ... evidently because he was messing around with some of their motorcycles. Maybe it’s because of this close association with youth rebellion and the glamorous world of movie stars, art-house cinema, rock ‘n roll and fashion that motorcycles have an appeal that’s unique among all other vehicles. And within the world of motorcycles themselves there’s one kind of motorcycle that stands apart from the others: the chopper. A chopper, unlike any other motorcycle, isn’t something you just go into a store and buy. Like movies themselves, it’s more like a work of industrial art – part technology and mechanics, and part artistic flare. Part of the cult charm is a lean simplicity. Choppers were originally pieced together from spare parts by World War II vets, to mimic the stripped-down bikes they used during the war. A chopper, traditionally, should be a simple design, broken down to the parts strictly needed to make it function. But, ideally, it should also reflect a style – the style of the individual rider. A chopper is designed for each customer’s tastes and custom-manufactured for that person alone.

INSIDE INSANE CUSTOMS (clockwise from the top): Shop foreman, Andrew Felczak, is non-stop as he builds a custom ride sporting a 26” front rim (photo by Mark G. Bilodeau); Some of the incredible iron horses that fill the Insane Customs showroom (photo by Dave Medoro); Owner/operator and all around chopper fanatic, Dave Medoro (photo by Barry Hammond).


A web search of “Chopper Culture” turns up around 106,000 items from nearly every country in the world, from Chopper Freaks MC in Fredrikstad, Norway to Hellbourne Choppers in Melbourne, Australia. In the last few years, with TV shows like Monster Garage (2003 – 2007), the fashion factor has, if anything, increased. West Coast Choppers’ Jesse James has become a reality TV star. And American Chopper (2003 – 2009) has done the same for the Teutuls. Here in Alberta, chopper culture also has its champions: There’s Fantom Choppers in Calgary, Badlands Motorsports in Drumheller and Underground Performance in Strathmore. One such chopper freak is Dave Medoro, who owns Insane Customs in Edmonton. Me-




“You see a guy on a chopper and right away, what do you think? ... ‘Bad ass!’”

doro, an easygoing guy dressed casually in a John Lennon style cap, long-sleeved black T-shirt and jeans is the Canadian distributor for Big Bear Choppers. Though he originally started in the construction business with a concrete and tile company, motorcycles are something he’s always had an itch for, “but never really took the ambition of going to buy one. A friend of mine made me ride one of his bikes a couple of years ago and got me hooked into the bike thing. From there, it just went crazy. I went down to Sturgis and test drove all the manufacturers’ motorcycles.” He’s talking about the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally held annually in Sturgis, South Dakota since 1938, with a few exceptions during World War II. The founder, Clarence “Pappy” Hoel, originally featured

And that was where Medoro was first introduced to Big Bear Choppers. “I met the boys from Big Bear and all the other guys from all the other manufacturers that are in the market ... and Big Bear is the only one that pertained to what I liked. The fit of their motorcycles were far superior ... the ride was great.” Designing a chopper is something like designing a building from the ground up. Medoro explains the process: “We pick your model ... and from there we set up your handle bars to match, so your body’s in an upright position. We patch your forward controls, we pick the sets of rims you like ... your paint schemes. First and foremost, it’s just finding a bike that fits your body and a design you like. From there, we help you build your bike on a piece of paper.”


The Wild One

Easy Rider

The Punisher

Brando rode his own Triumph motorcycle in this movie.

Fonda, Hopper and Nicholson actually smoked pot on camera.

Dolph Lundgren did most of his own stunts for this film.

Chopper Chicks in Zombietown

Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Billy Bob Thornton played Tommy, but he’s a musician now.

Mickey Rourke said doing this film made him feel like a sell-out.

Arnie had only 700 words of dialogue and was paid $15M.







That passion for motorcycles is what sets chopper freaks apart from regular motorcycle enthusiasts. Medoro is likewise passionate and he has very specific opinions when it comes to motorcycles. Opinions that champions of vintage motorcycles might not necessarily agree with. When asked about the image choppers have and of their appeal he replies: “Bad boy. You see a guy on a chopper and right away, what do you think? ‘Bad ass’ ... ‘Lots of money’ ... ‘The guy’s a millionaire.’ It’s something different. Something cool. Something that’s non-traditional. I mean, your typical bike is Harley, Kawasaki, Yamaha, Honda, right? And to see those every day is nothing. But to see a chopper? It’s like seeing a Ferrari or a Lamborghini. Same type of idea. First thing you think is: this guy is somebody ... or, he’s loaded ... or, he’s a bad ass.”

Although the chopper might carry the same status appeal of a hot European luxury sports car, the cost isn’t that much higher than a Roadside Prophets Pulp Fiction Ghost Rider regular bike that’s maybe had (1992) (1994) (2007) some custom modifications. Out of Medoro’s showroom, Starred Adam Horovitz Sylvester Stallone was The flaming chopper a custom-built choppers can is a replica of Fonda’s (Beastie Boys) who briefly considered for the role of Butch. bike from Easy Rider. suffers from epilepsy. range anywhere between $29,000 and $48,000. As he says, “The average guy will actually spend between $13,000 – $18,000 in upgrades on a Harley and end up being in the $40,000 range by the time he’s done ... but Medoro is quick to recognize the influence people like Jesse James still have a bike that looks like every other bike. The guy who gets a chopper winds up with a bike that nobody else has.” have had on chopper culture in the eye of the general public. He calls him, “the only guy I ever pay attention to, besides (the owner It’s that uniqueness that appeals to the chopper freak. And Medoro of Big Bear Choppers) Kevin Alsop.” But it isn’t just the stars that sees nothing but strength in the industry. “There’s like 87,000 momake the bikes popular, it’s the artistry of the designers. Of Alsop he torcycles in Alberta. There are more bikes in Alberta than in B.C., says, “The guy’s a creator. They’re the guys that really do it for me. Saskatchewan and Manitoba put together ... and when you have that Especially Alsop. His passion for motorcycles and his passion for kind of motorcycle community, there’s always a place for one more development is crazy. He just came out with two new models within shop. It’s just gonna take off and it’ll be stronger. It’s about treating three months. He’s always on the go. He can’t sit still. You get him the people the way they need to be treated, having a passion for the in a shop and he’s wrenching on motorcycles.” industry. The appeal is there. Choppers never die.”



The Wild One © 1953, renewed 1981 Columbia Pictures Industries, Inc. All Rights Reserved. / Easy Rider © 1969, renewed 1997 Columbia Pictures Industries, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Ghost Rider © 2007 Columbia Pictures Industries, Inc. and GH One LLC. All Rights Reserved. | Ghost Rider character TM & © 2010 Marvel Characters, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man © MGM Home Entertainment. All Rights Reserved. / Terminator 2: Judgment Day © Universal Home Entertainment. All Rights Reserved. Pulp Fiction © 1991 Dog Eat Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Distributed in Canada by MAPLE PICTURES. © 2009 Miramax Film Corp. All Rights Reserved. © 2009 The Weinstein Company, LLC All Rights Reserved. Distributed Exclusively in Canada by Alliance Films. All Rights Reserved.

racing and stunts like wall crashes, ramp jumps and (intentional) head-on collisions with cars. These days, the event brings in over 750,000 motorcycles and their owners as well as vendors and manufacturers from all over the world. “All day it sounds like thunder... motorcycles just back and forth on the highways and roads ... just a constant roar.”

girl spotting


What do you do to pay the bills? We own Twisted Bar and Ultimo Restaurant which keeps me up late. I stay pretty busy as the shooter girl. Did you always want to be a bar-owner/shooter girl? I originally wanted to go into law, but the idea of defending the guilty was something I just couldn’t deal with. Where do you stand on guys holding open doors, picking up the tab and walking on the traffic-side of the sidewalk? Oh God! (laughs) I hate that. I guess I’m more independent than that. But he can buy me flowers every once in a while. White calla lilies ... those are my fave.




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comic stripped BY JOE VESPAZIANI

$700 ... NO AIR


I hate the road. It brings me into contact with people I’d avoid if I had a real job. he airport has the appeal of a picked scab. I now walk barefoot through security making the shoebomb searching that much easier. Because I travel alone I am invariably asked to “step aside for the ’random’ passenger search”. I am questioned about my metal miniature army men that I like to paint while on the road. Apparently their weaponry looks menacing. I’m instructed to check my army men from now on. After standing in three lines since arriving at the airport, I now stand in another just to board my flight. You save money with Southwest, not time. This is when I know I’m in hell. I have to endure the monotonous babble from a couple of twenty-something girls who don’t want to “give it up” for just any guy. I listen to

them talk about the losers who try to pick them up. They know they have the power and their arrogance makes me shake my head. Each of them are all just three drinks away from a Girls Gone Wild video. I put on my headphones, trying to drown them out, but I catch their cackles and the odd word here and there – just enough to pick at my emotional hangnail. I want to sleep. I want to wake up at my destination city – thawed from hyper-sleep. I’m in a particularly bad mood on this flight because I had to pay for it out of my own pocket. “Our costs are going up,” says the piece of shit booking agent who has forgotten what it was like to be a working comic. “If you don’t want the date I’ll find someone else,” he threatens upon hearing my reluctant tone. I accept. Whenever I talk to

these former comics-turned-bookers I have the uncontrollable urge to simply bend over, grab my ankles and ask, “Does that include travel?” I could say no, but then Sprint wouldn’t get their money and I can’t live without phone service. This phone service connects me to these pricks. And without them to be better than, I’d have to look inward at my own faults. Fuck that. The sky-waitress asks me to turn off my iPod. Apparently Miles Davis might screw up take off. I oblige – it’s not her fault – it’s the rules. The talkative girls are now solving the problems of the Middle East and sparkly lip-gloss. I don’t want to listen, but I have to. I’m alone. My ears are magnets – attracted

ISSUE #30 55

to stupidity. My bag tumbles down the chute as the shuttle driver taps his foot with fat, crossed arms. He’s got a schedule to keep and apparently doesn’t give a shit about my tip. I don’t bother asking him to be gentle with the bag. I climb into the van and notice my only choice is the middle row. An older lady in a red scarf is up front staring straight ahead – hands folded – right thumb working her left palm. She smells funny. I glance to the back and that’s where I’m met with the “don’t think about it” stare from a young couple in love. The middle it is. iPod cranked, head down. There’s no hope of finding allies at this gig. The other comics are locals. They show up week after week and lift ideas and styles from all the working comics blowing through town for $700/no air. It’s not their fault – it’s the process. I’m just so tired. Sunday night comes and it looks promising. This club is packed. It’s amazing how many young folk you can pack into a bar when you remove the cover charge. The audiences that invest nothing always seem to expect the most. Word got out that my Friday show was not as dazzling as anticipated. I made the adjustments and redeemed myself on Saturday, but this club wanted to focus on the negative. The owner pulls a bold move. He puts eight other comics in front of me, plus the headliner from the week before. He’s going to make me wait, and then work my ass off. I settle in on the cum-stained couch in the green room. I use a comedy club t-shirt to protect my clothes from the cooties. The MC, who is the owner’s right hand, struts in and welcomes everyone but me. Apparently he too got word of the Friday fiasco. He’s “King Dick” in this bullshit town. And all the locals roll over and expose their belly for this chunky fuck with the one weird eye. He knows he’ll never be as funny as I am, and he knows he’s one hack bit away from managing a Chucky-Cheese in a real comedy market. I watch him fumble his way through his set – a set littered with premises and punch lines lifted from the others passing through for $700/no air. He’s a fucking hack. He knows it - the other comics know it – the owner knows it. The audience laughs. The hack MC walks back to the green room and asks the previous week’s headliner to be as dirty as possible. He’s trying to have someone lay a big turd on stage before I go up. The audience thinks they’re seeing some kind of a comedy god. They’ve never heard blowjob jokes told with such velocity. The MC saunters back to the green room to fetch my intro. He gives me the same look a molesting group-home worker gives a



mute teen just before lights out. I’m not backing away. Not this time. “You better bring it,” smirks the hack. “These people will walk out on you.” I thought of suggesting a cover charge and maybe they’d stick around. I knew he wouldn’t get it. I say to the hack, “You always try to mind-fuck the headliner? How about ‘have a good set’?” The hack shakes his untalented head and disappears into the darkness. The show is now 90 minutes old. The crowd has seen nine comics and all the blowjob jokes they can swallow. Now for your headliner ..... I ride the wave and work in the moment. I talk about all of these comedy club assholes and how they like to work. I talk about me and what I’m about. I talk about all the bullshit I’ve

put up with, and they laugh and applaud. I feel my dick getting bigger, or maybe that’s just my ego looking for growing room? I stick the landing. The crowd cheers. The hack MC did his best to fake sincerity. I shook his hand firmly and held it for a long time. I pulled him close to me and whispered, “That good enough?” In the office after the show I held my head up high. The hack and the locals surrounded the owner. This was his ‘posse’ and his turf. They ignored me for an hour but I wasn’t going anywhere. I wanted my $700/no air. Reluctantly, the owner says: “give this to Mister Vespaziani.” I accepted the cash from the hack, and counted it in front of them ... twice. I hate the road. It brings me into contact with people I’d avoid if I had a real job.




Joel O’Keeffe The high-octane frontman from Airbourne rocks out about his blistering vocals, surviving Canadian blizzards and nearly losing a thumb.

How did you like recording the new album in Chicago? It was good. We were there on the 4th of July, and there were firework shows. We’d never been there on the 4th of July before ... it was like a war zone. The whole city was just smoked out. It sounded like Beirut or something. Rumour has it you slept at the studio while you recorded this album? Yeah, Ryan slept behind his drum kit, I slept behind my guitar amps, and Dave slept behind his guitar amps, and Justin slept behind the pool table. Basically, we wanted to be a lot closer to every different facet of the recording process. Driving to the hotel and back gets in the way. When we did Running Wild we had to drive an hour to get to the studio, and then an hour home. We like to stay in the action as much as we can, right there in the hot zone where it’s all happening. If you get an idea at four in the morning you want to just get up, plug in the amps and just go for it. The problem is, when you come home from the pub, and you’re pissed, the studio would be dark as hell, you’d bang into the drum kit and smash all the drums over. Your vocals are intense, I’m wondering if you have any secrets for how you keep your voice in shape? (laughs) It’s just one of those things, mate. Sometimes you



have your off days, sometimes you have your good days, and sometimes you have your absolute fucked days. It all comes back to fucking honey. A bit of Vodka and honey is always good. If Tiger Woods’ wife was Australian instead of Swedish, would he have survived the fateful golf club attack? (laughs) Mate, she would’ve finished him off. She would have got her scissors out and really went to work ... or a carving knife or something. One of your songs is on Guitar Hero. Can you play it? No, mate, I tried actually. When we went back to Australia, my cousins had it. I said, I’ll have a go. Then, fucking, couldn’t even do it on easy. And they’re all just laughing at me. Then they do it on hard. What’s it like, being in a band with your brother? We fight about a lot of shit. We were in Italy, playing a festival with Iron Maiden. We’re in the back having an argument because I wanted to go out and watch them, and he says ‘no, I don’t want to.’ We’re having this argument and he tried to bite my thumb off. Anyway, the tour manager broke us up, I’ve still got my thumb, and I watched the rest of the Iron Maiden show. How rough was it in the ear-

lier days of the band? We all lived together in a house for three and a half years. We tried to get on welfare. Two of us could and the other two did six months later. We used to just put all that money together and get a big packet of pasta, and maybe some meat sauce, and cook it up. You just ate pasta all week, and then did the same thing the next week. That’s what we lived off of, just pasta, for a couple of years. We spent our days rehearsing and then going out and putting up posters, or just dropping CD’s off in every pub. Then we went out on the road. Our first tour of Australia, we had this old van that used to break down every 500 k. Really just living like dogs. That’s where the album sort of came from, No Way But The Hard Way ... about our time in Melbourne and just touring Australia. In Canada ... I think it was our second national tour of Canada ... and the van broke down in the middle of a blizzard, and we went off the road into a ditch and it sort of fucked the van. There was no heat in the van at all the whole tour. We put beers on the floor of the van, but it was too cold, so we had to put them down there for 15 minutes, and then put them back on the seats for 15 minutes. We spent 24 hours in that blizzard. That’s what rock ‘n roll is ... never say die. Last time through, you played at pubs and clubs. This time,

you’re in stadiums and hockey arenas. Which do you prefer? I like both, for a lot of reasons. With the pub shows, you get in there, it’s all tight, and it always seems louder ... everything’s compact. The amps are coming right off the stage. It’s just heat and sweat. And before they banned smoking, there’d be this haze across the room. You walk to the back of the pub and you just get hit by this wall of moist cigarette. The noise of the crowd in there, and the smashing drums, it’s awesome! That’s what I love about the clubs ... they’re just so in your face. And with the stadium, you just go ‘fuck it, let’s make it like a pub show times a thousand.’ I like the stadiums because you can get a lot more watts and a lot more PA ... a bigger crowd ... stuff like that. And then you get in there and just rock out. Nothing better. I love it all, man. Have you had a chance to play on with any bands that were influential to you when you were coming up in the world? Shit yeah! In Germany we played with Motorhead and Rose Tattoo. Lemme actually drove the truck in a film clip we did, and he told us all these stories about Motorhead. It’s like, ‘you got me into playing, and now I’m sitting here with you drinking Jack and Coke and listening to ZZ Top, and you’re telling me rock ‘n roll stories... it’s great!

just for fun


‘Tis the season of practical jokes. Here are a few April Fool’s gags you can try in your office. Just be sure of two things. 1) Make sure your target has a sense of humour. And 2) Don’t get so involved in planning your prank that you get punked yourself.

GET CLIPPED Step 1 Make about 100 photocopies of a paperclip on a clean background. Step 2 Place the copies back into the copier tray so that the paperclip side will be the copy side. Step 3 Sit back and watch the people in your office search for the mysterious paperclip in the photocopier.


NO ENTIENDO Step 1 Try to snag a colleague’s cell phone when they go for a coffee or washroom break. Step 2 Change the language setting in their phone to something you know they don’t speak. Step 3 Laugh your ass off as they try to navigate their phone to change it back.


STALE MATE Step 1 Go out on March 1st and buy a box of doughnuts. Step 2 Leave the box in your fridge at home with the lid open for the entire month. Step 3 On the morning of the big day, leave the box in the staff room. Step 4 Chuckle silently as your co-workers bite into bricks.

TIDAL WAVE Step 1 Set out a dozen or so plastic cups on your buddy’s desk. Step 2 Staple all of them together near the rim. Step 3 Use a pitcher and fill all of the cups with water. Step 4 Invite evryone else in the office to watch as this yutz tries to figure out how to get the cups apart.

coffee break

SWINGIN’ LUMBER On January 20th, European Ryder Cup star, Sergio Garcia, crushed a 675 yard drive at the inaugural Whack from the Track golf challenge at Abu Dhabi’s Yas Marina Circuit. Doesn’t it just make you itch to get back out onto your favourite fairway? While you’re waiting for the snow to clear up, this golfer’s word puzzle might help kill a few more minutes of winter. 1.

“Happy _______”


Some are bald.


Sitting at par.


“______ of Bagger Vance”


David Simms in “Tin Cup”


The Aussie Shark.


St. _______


Great for pizza. Bad for golf.






Golfer: Leo ______


aka: A caddy.


Played Mr. Larson (actor)

31 11



1 7










34 14

Not Bert’s Ernie.


A quadruple bogey on a Par 4.


Danny’s last name in “Caddyshack”


Home of Miacomet Golf Club.


He said: “Be the ball, Danny.”


Worst job on a porn set.


Hola, Chi Chi!




26 23



How To Play: Each of the answers have letters overlapping with both the word preceding and the word following. The numbers indicate the beginning of the next word ... but not necessarily the end of the preceding word ... so watch out. Good luck! 29. A mid-1800’s tree sap golf ball. 30. Played Matt Damon’s squeeze in “Bagger Vance”

20. Type of grass often used on golf courses. 21.






Francis Ouimet’s caddy.







Old-school term for a 9 iron.

32. Smails actor: Ted ______

Golf’s grand-daddy.

33. His wife has a mean swing.

22. Roy McAvoy’s sidekick.

34. Happy’s nemesis.

23. Rarely done on the green. 24. Popular tee-off in corporate tournies.

35. Popular grip style. 36. Too close to bother.

25. He makes great salsa.

37. Proper golf behavior.

26. Slang for “out of bounds”

38. Played Francis Ouimet’s father in “The Greatest Game Ever Played”

27. Big Jack. 28. Judge Smails’ annoying nephew.

39. Slang for a cheater.

ANSWERS: 1)Gilmore 2)Eagle 3)Level 4)Legend 5)Don Johnson 6)Norman 7)Andrews 8)Slice 9)Eddie 10)Diegel 11)Looper 12)Richard Kiel 13)Els 14)Snowman 15)Noonan 16)Nantucket 17)Ty Webb 18)Ball washer 19)Rodriguez 20)Zoysia 21)Arnold Palmer 22)Romeo 23)One-putt 24)Texas Scramble 25)Lee Trevino 26)Oscar Brown 27)Nicklaus 28)Spaulding 29)Gutta Percha 30)Charlize Theron 31)Niblick 32)Knight 33)Tiger Woods 34)Shooter McGavin 35)Interlocking 36)Gimme 37)Etiquette 38)Elias Koteas 39)Sandbagger



©2009 Getty Images




parting shot


Born: Height: Body: Occupation:

November 10, 1984 5’ 4” 34D - 24 - 35 Exotic Dancer

What kind of guy do you like to go out with? I always try to date different types of guys, but unfortunately I do find myself mostly attracted to the bad boys. Has a guy ever tried to pick you up using a cheesy line? Some guy actually said to me once, “Is there a mirror in your pocket? ‘Cuz I can see myself in your pants.” It made me laugh so hard. He didn’t get my number. So how should a guy make his first move with you? Just come up to me and ask me my name ... or how my night is going. The best thing a guy can do is just act confident and approach me.








0 . 5 G TAN





VEX Magazine (isue #30)  

Calgary's FREE Journal For Men

VEX Magazine (isue #30)  

Calgary's FREE Journal For Men