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PG 28


2010 | VOLUME 4 | ISSUE #33 PM 41481024












PROVIDING TOMORROW’S TECHNOLOGY TODAY. The 2010 BMW 730d features BMW BluePerformance Technology, cutting exhaust emissions to fulfil the EU6 emission standard not coming into force until 2014.

“TRON: LEGACY” ©Disney Enterprises, Inc. All Rights Reserved.


36 alyssa andel











Travis Milne from TV’s Rookie Blue. Photograph courtesy of Canwest Media Inc. On This Page: Alyssa Andel Photograph by






Readers are tired of the same old athlete cop-outs, but think Tommy Chong is still pretty darn cool.




Take a break and have a few laughs. Or have a crack at the Title Shot.

Bodacious bean counter, Teagan Ahearn, wouldn’t mind a glass of red wine now and then.


In Part 2 of our four-part series on whiskey, we head south to check out some Yankee-Doodle distilleries.


Tattoos usually come after too much tequila, but Vince Neil gives us both in one big shot.


We get behind the wheel of a Street Hawk STV. Gentlemen, start your dick-measuring!

24 SEX

Baseball is the most boring game on the planet. So why do we insist on using it as a sexual analogy? Let’s try football!


You got a floor? You got a gym!


Our sexy in-house poker pro shows you how to get lucky!


Comedian, Joe Vespaziani, describes the horror of opening for Weird Al Yankovic.


The scintillating Samantha Rupert packs up and moves to Toronto. Lucky bastards!








Mark G. Bilodeau Vice President

Jeremy Nielsen Assistant Editor

Christopher Bloomfield Artistic Director

David Aaronson Director of Design

Andrew DeVore Senior Designer

Damian Fehmel Executive Assistant Andrew “McLovin” Corry Production / Pre-Press Assistant

Bonny Leung

Chief Photographer

Trevor Howell | Contributing Photographers

Mark G. Bilodeau, Mike Bradley, David Ford, Lambe Photography, Jeremy Nielsen, Eric Sit, Colin Smith Contributing Writers

J.D. Bermudez, Scott Dumas, Seth Miller, David Nuttall, Bill Robinson, Valerie Ross, Nic Russo, Joe Vespaziani Graphic & Web Design

Mathieu Prouse PrePress

Russell Greenlay Advertising Inquiries:

Alberta Sales Office Box 28007 Cranston RPO Calgary, AB. T3M 1K4 (403) 520-0116 Distributed by

VEX Ltd. Canada Post VM is published six times per year by © 2008 VEX Ltd. All Rights Reserved. PM41481024 Return undeliverable items to: VEX Ltd. Box 28007 Cranston RPO Calgary, AB. T3M 1K4 GST# 86889 5715 RT0001

All Trademarks presented in this magazine are owned by the registered owner. All advertisements appearing in this magazine are the sole responsibility of the person, business or corporation advertising their product or service. For more information on VEX Magazine’s Privacy Policy and Intention of Use, please see our website at All content, photographs and articles appearing in this magazine are represented by the contributor as original content and the contributor will hold VEX Magazine Ltd. harmless against any and all damages that may arise from their contribution. All public correspondence, which may include, but is not limited to letters, e-mail, images and contact information, received by VEX Magazine becomes the property of VEX Ltd. and is subject to publication. To have unsolicited manuscripts, photographs and other material returned, it must be accompanied by a self-addressed return envelope with postage pre-paid. VEX Magazine is not responsible for loss, damage, or any other injury to unsolicited manuscripts, photographs, artwork or material. Reproduction of this publication in whole or in part without written consent from the publisher is strictly prohibited.

letters SING OUR PRAISES OR GIVE US A BLINDING JUNK PUNCH. Drop us a line at and take your best shot!



Hard Knocks Hotties

When I saw your Ladies of Combat photo spread (issue #32), I knew there was a reason God created the MMA. Wow! Ivana, Casey Joe and Karlie are three of the hottest women I have ever seen. I’ve just sent in my subscription order. Fante Kissick Calgary, AB. Hey, thanks a lot, F... Fan... Faint... Fontay? OK, what’s the deal here? Are you a guy or a really cool, sexually liberated chick? Because either way, we’re cool with that. Thanks for reading!

Jock Talk

I just got through reading your 2010 CFL Kick-Off article (issue #32) and I think some big props need to be handed out to BC’s Jason Arakgi for having the balls to step up and just talk straight. You asked him about staring at the cheerleaders and he came right out and told you how he got busted one time during a game. When you asked Gene Makowsky (Saskatchewan) and Dave Stala (Hamilton) the same question, they both pussied out and gave you the same typical, politically correct, bullshit answers. I’m sick and tired of pro athletes always taking the safe road when it comes to interviews. That’s why sports coverage is so bloody boring

now. Nobody gives a shit that you’re going to ‘take it one game at a time’ and ‘give it 110%.’ Why don’t you just man up and answer the damn question, for chrissakes?! Vince Landaker via e-mail We hear ya, Vince. And that’s why the team here at VEX goes out hard every issue. After all, there is no “I” in “interview” ... oh, wait.

he played in a band with Jimi Hendrix? Well done, guys! Grant Tipton via e-mail You think that’s amazing? You should let us tell you about how we discovered Justin Bieber while he was singing karaoke at a Chuck E. Cheese’s! Then again, who would ever really want to claim responsibility for unleashing him on society anyway?

Tommy Gump

Sugar Free

Your article on the life and times of Tommy Chong was outstanding. I think his ties to Calgary and Edmonton are pretty much common knowledge by now. But who would have ever known that he was the guy responsible for discovering the Jackson 5 or that

After reading your Sex feature on being a sugar daddy (Who’s Your Daddy?!!, issue #32), I feel compelled to issue a stern warning to any guys out there thinking of doing this. I’m a 52year old man and I’m currently in the middle of a huge shit storm,

trying to get rid of my former 21year old parasite ... er, I mean, girlfriend. These women are leeches who are only prepared to give just enough to allow them to continue feeding off of you, until there’s nothing left of your self-esteem ... not to mention, your financial portfolio. And to be brutally honest, the sex isn’t all that great either. Run and hide, brothers! These creatures are vampiric soul-suckers, spawned by the Devil himself. Save yourselves before it’s too late! Brian via e-mail Sorry, Brian, but you’re just preaching to the choir here. We’re currently overdrawn on three different credit cards, the bank is about to foreclose on the house, and all we’ve got to show for it is a scorching case of syphilis.

NEW GREAT LOOK! SAME GREAT MAG! We’ve made a few changes to our look. Particularly, the cover. We’d like to get your feedback on what you think. Drop us a line at and make us feel utterly worshipped like gods or painfully hated, like According To Jim re-runs.





On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students: “The female dormitory will be outof-bounds to all male students, as is the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?” One student raised his hand, “How much for a season pass?”

The Ballerina

American Know-How

A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, “Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me.” The bartender replies, “What makes you think she’s a ballerina?”

The Russians used a pencil.

“Because,” answers the drunken man, “any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina.”

Soupy Sales A man is working in a sex store, when a brunette walks in. “How much for a black dildo?” she asks. He tells her that it’s $50 for a black one and $50 for a white one. She leaves without purchasing anything. A redhead walks in a few minutes later and asks, “How much for a white dildo?” He tells her that it’s $50 for a white one and $50 for a black one. She also leaves without buying anything. A blonde enters the store and asks him, “How much for a dildo?” He tells her that it’s $50 for a black one and $50 for a white one. “How much do you want for that fancy plaid one on the shelf behind you?” she asks. “Oh, that’s a very special one,” the man explains. “That one is $250.” She buys it and leaves. The store manager walks in and asks the man how much he has sold. The man says he hasn’t sold any dildos all day, “but I did sell your thermos for $250.”

The Lakers scout new Thai recruit: Shaq O’Derm

Passing Gas A gas station owner in Alabama was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.” Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.” A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.” As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.” His buddy replied, “No, it ain’t rigged. My wife won twice last week.”

TITLE SHOT! CAN YOU DO BETTER? Can you come up with a better caption for this picture? Send it to us at and the winning entry will not only be published in the next issue of VM, but we’ll also send you this wicked cool VM t-shirt absolutely free!



“This year’s annual meeting of the Alberta Dairy Farmers Union got a little out of hand” - Mike Wohlers







THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF WHISKEY (Part 2 of a 4-part series)

David N uttall is the presid Epicure ent of an Cal (www.e gary picure ancalg and m m) Enoteca anager of Li and Spe quor Store (www.e cialty Wines njoywin

SIPPIN’ WHISKEY RETURNS LONG THOUGHT TO BE THE WEAKEST OF THE FOUR COUSINS, GOOD OL’ FASHIONED AMERICAN WHISKEY IS MAKING A BIG COMEBACK ON THE WORLD STAGE. SHALL WE POUR? In the second of four parts on whisky and whiskeys, we’ll look at American whiskey, which itself is commonly divided into six categories: Bourbon, Tennessee, Rye, Wheat, Corn and Blended whiskey, with the type and amount of grains used during the mashing and storage time in barrels being the main differences between them. Most people believe all Bourbon must be made in Bourbon County, Kentucky, but it may, in fact, be produced in any state. The only prerequisites are that it contain at least 51 percent corn, may not be distilled to more than 80 percent alcohol by volume, and it must be stored for at least two years in new, charred oak barrels. Tennessee whiskey is Bourbon’s close relative, but this whiskey must be produced in the state of Tennessee and is always filtered through sugar-maple charcoal. The other four categories are definitely lesser cousins, although you can find examples around. While distilled spirits in America have been around since colonization, it was the wave of Irish and Scottish immigrants in the 18th century who began playing with grain distillation. With barley being difficult to grow in the American northeast, rye became the grain of choice for the first whiskeys. Whiskey quickly became an important source of income, so much so that when George Washington imposed a tax on distilling, the producers rose up in protest in the so-called Whiskey Rebellion from 1791 to 1794. It ended when distillers threatened to burn down Pittsburgh, forcing Washington to send in 15,000



troops to quell the rebellion. This prompted many distillers to flee to Kentucky and Tennessee (which were not states at the time), and the “real” American whiskey industry emerged. With the perfect combination of clean, limestone-rich water, multiple navigable rivers with access to the Mississippi, acres of oak trees for barrels, and a native crop, maize (corn), the distillers were able to make a smooth, soft, almost sweet spirit. Many of the distilleries which started in the late 1700’s are still around today. Due to Kentucky and Tennessee’s geographical location, the whiskeys reached the markets in the northeast, almost accidentally, as an aged spirit. Since the product was distilled in the fall after harvest, it was put in barrels to wait for the spring thaw on the rivers before the three month journey to New Orleans, so it would be almost one year old before it arrived at its final destination. As America moved west, so

did the whiskey, and there is no doubt that it helped contribute to the “Wild” West and the near genocidal effects on the native population. This uncontrolled spread of the spirit through most of the 19th century led to the emergence of the Temperance Movement and subsequent Prohibition in many states as early as 1910. Kentucky and Tennessee became dry by 1915, and some counties in these and other states are still dry to this day. Lynchburg, Tennessee, home to a whiskey known the world over simply by its first name, is in a dry county. With the triple whammy of Prohibition, the Great Depression and World War II, production of whiskey practically ceased for

almost 30 years and the number of distilleries shrank from over 2,000 to a couple of dozen. After the war, with no inventory, and loss of competitive edge to Canadian, Scottish and Irish whiskies, which had been continuously produced all this time, American whiskey’s market share and reputation plummeted. It was only as recently as the 1980’s and the development of older, better blends and specialty styles such as single barrels and flavoured whiskeys, that American whiskey redeemed itself in the world markets, years before Americans themselves began to rediscover their own heritage. This has cycled back into more and higher quality whiskeys being made, and the resultant rebirth of the industry. ò


teagan ahearn

She may have been born Down Under, but she grew up Canadian. Now, when this Aussie-turned-Canuck isn’t golfing, wakeboarding or hitting the gym, she’s crunching numbers as an accountant for a couple of Calgary-based oilfield service companies.

An accountant, huh? I took business management in college and always hated the accounting classes I had to take. I eventually realized that maybe it was my thing, so I applied for a job at an accounting firm when I was 23 and ended up loving it! I worked as an accounting technician at a firm in Red Deer for two years then eventually re-located to Calgary and took on my own clients. I guess I’m a bit of a nerd. I love to crunch numbers. What guilty pleasure do you allow yourself to indulge in? I love red wine and martinis. I try to keep it to a minimum ... like once a week ... but that’s always tough in the summer when the weather is nice or when I’m on holidays! There’s nothing better than sitting on the patio with a juicy steak and glass of red wine. Your biggest pet peeve? I hate fast eaters. What’s the rush? Take a breath!


ISSUE #33 17


vince neil

TATTOOS & TEQUILA It’s a Thursday night. You need to invite your buddies over, grab a deck of cards, set up the poker table and put out the shot glasses. Throw in this latest CD from Mötley Crüe’s festigious frontman, crank it up until your neighbours start thinking about calling the cops and proceed to pound back the cactus juice until there’s just no point in going into work the next day. It’s just the way Vince would want it. And besides, it’s just given you a jump-start on what could turn out to be one of the greatest selfmade long weekends of your entire life. No need to thank us. We’re just happy to help.


Once you get past John Vesely’s trademark lyrics of heartbreak and self-pity, there’s still a pretty solid album filled with tracks that make your girlfriend think you’re an incredibly caring and sensitive guy.


Richard Starkey (aka Ringo) has always compensated for his lack of any actual musical talent by surrounding himself with great musicians. This album is no exception. Definitely worth buying.

ON THIS DAY IN MUSIC HISTORY ... September 24, 1988

James Brown allegedly bursts into an insurance class being held in a building he owns, waving a gun and demanding to know who had used his bathroom. He then flees the scene and becomes involved in a twostate car chase with police. He is eventually arrested for illegal possession of drugs and firearms, assault and resisting arrest.


September 27, 2002

Rock ‘n Roll bad boy and frontman for Mötley Crüe, Vince Neil, pleads guilty to a misdemeanor battery charge for allegedly attacking a record producer in West Hollywood on April 28, 2002.


September 29, 1989

Bruce Springsteen stops in at a small saloon in Prescott, AZ, and plays a few songs with the house band. He overhears a woman talking about financial problems concerning her medical bills. A week later the woman receives a cheque for $100,000 from Springsteen.

October 4, 1970

Janis Joplin is found dead of a heroin overdose at the age of 27 in the Landmark Motor Hotel in Los Angeles, CA. She was discovered by road manager, John Cooke, after she failed to show up for a recording session at Sunset Sound Studios scheduled for earlier that day.

October 10, 1978

Steve Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith are both injured when a cherry bomb is thrown onto the stage at a show in Philadelphia, PA. The remainder of the scheduled concert dates were subsequently cancelled.



M*A*S*H was the first major motion picture to drop an F-bomb in the dialogue. During the football game, actor John Schuck says, “All right, Bub, your fuckin’ head is coming right off” to his opposing lineman.


FILMMAKERS OF THE UPCOMING PRISON THRILLER, STONE, DECIDED TO KEEP THINGS ON THE CHEAP AND SHOOT IN MICHIGAN. The producers of the new film, starring Robert De Niro, Edward Norton and Milla Jovovich, had initially planned to shoot in North Carolina to take advantage of the 15% tax rebate the state extended to the film industry. But in 2008, when Michigan announced a 45% tax rebate in order to try to entice filmmakers to their state, Stone execs took

the bait and moved the set to Detroit. “It’s not about a city,” writer, Angus MacLachlan, justifies in an interview with the Winston-Salem Journal, “it’s more about the people in it. Plus, we needed a big prison and there’s a huge prison in Jackson, MI.” Stone opens in theatres on October 15, 2010.


Robert Altman’s 14-year-old son, Michael, wrote the lyrics to the theme song “Suicide is Painless.” Because the song was also used for the TV series, he continued to collect royalties. In total, Michael made more than $2M for the song, where his dad was paid only $75K to direct the film.



HALO: Reach follows Noble Team in their ongoing battle against the Covenant. This time, they’re trying to save the world of Reach, an Earth-like colony that serves as the UNSC’s military hub and home to more than 700 million civilians. We break down one of the new recruits, Emile S-239, to give you an idea of what kind of heat these totally bad-ass Spartans are actually packing.


RANK: Warrant Officer GENDER: M DOB: 2523-03-11 HEIGHT: 208.4 cm WEIGHT: 106.5 kg

M45 TACTICAL SHOTGUN This pump-action weapon blasts 8 gauge shells, holding six per magazine. Short-range is where it’s at, Nancy-boy!





To help Sally Kellerman (“Hot Lips”) feel more comfortable about doing the infamous shower scene, Gary Burghoff (“Radar”) stood next to the camera, wearing nothing but his fuzzy cap and glasses in order to make her feel less self-conscious.

Emile wears a custom-issue helmet, into which he’s carved a menacing skull. That’s right, you Covenant scum, he’s bad!

M9 FRAG GRENADES These bad boys have two firing modes. Detonation upon impact or you can hold the trigger like a dead man’s switch and set a trap for those alien slimeballs.



A knife originating from ancient Earth. Emile likes to use this to get up-close and personal and flay his enemies.

Emile lets his fighting abilities do the talking for him. The only time his voice can be heard is during the game’s Firefight mode.


The film is set in 1951, during the Korean war, yet Fred Williamson (“Spearchucker”) plays the football game wearing anachronistically white shoes. At that time, all football players wore black cleats. It wasn’t until the late 1960s, when Joe Namath first sported a pair of shiny white sneaks on the field, that the fashion trend started to take place.

Stone © 2010 Alliance Films Inc. All Rights Reserved. M*A*S*H © Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment, LLC. All Rights Reserved.





Price: $776,000 USD Engine: 6.6 litre V8 Turbo Torque: 650 lb-ft @ 1600 rpm Horsepower: 360 bhp @ 3200 rpm 0-100km/h: 3.5 seconds Top Speed: 334 km/h Manufacturer: Shadow Hawk Vehicles

The 6-position adjustable seats come outfitted with 4-point safety harnesses and are conveniently heated. This will help keep your lady’s tushy warm during those cold Canadian winters.



P A super high-tech instrument cluster keeps you fully informed about everything going on inside and outside of the vehicle. There are four 19-inch display monitors, laptop docking stations for both driver and passenger, and an onboard computer system that provides GPS navigation, Internet access, Bluetooth connection and complete vehicle diagnostics.

A vehicle-mounted hidden camera system covers the front, rear and both sides of the vehicle for 360° surveillance. It’s capable of providing a real-time video feed to either the driver’s secondary monitor or the passenger’s primary and secondary monitors. And for increased visibility at night, each camera is hooked up with thermal imaging.

You won’t have any trouble gripping the road in this monster. The Steel Hawk STV comes fully stacked with 40” x 22” x 15.5” Toyo Open Country M/T tires all around. And even though they’re equipped with pressure sensors, this vehicle sports an active tire inflation system to ensure you’re never stuck in the middle of nowhere trying to change a flat.

ISSUE #33 23





Because I’m such a huge sports fan, I’d like to take the game to a different ʻplaying fieldʼ. So huddle up, boys. Whether you’re a rookie (aka ʻvirginʼ), a free agent (recently divorced) or an MVP (your name could be here), let’s add a few tactical maneuvers to your playbook that will enhance your game and get you in the ... ahem ... end zone.

Your home field advantage:

Where do you meet girls? Or do you? If you do, good for you. Keep scoring touchdowns! There are countless websites, chat rooms and online booty call communities to meet girls. However, real men meet real women in real places. Here are several places where you have the home field advantage.

The Grocery Store

Have you ever been in the produce section and your gaze catches a gorgeous girl in front of the organic display? Make the right play and you could be squeezing forbidden fruits later.

The Check-out Line

If you’ve popped into a convenience store to grab a Gatorade or missed your opportunity at the organic display of fruits and veg, and you find yourself in line with a gorgeous girl, step aside and say, “After you.” Make your play in front of the check-out lady.

An Elevator

Whoever made the rule that we all should stare straight ahead and not talk to one another in an elevator should be trapped



sex in one with a marching band. Aren’t elevators one of the hottest places to have sex?!

City Transit and Taxis

This is your drive. You may end up getting a different kind of ride from making a play on that silver limo or toy train. Take the headphones out! By wearing headphones, you may as well be telling the world you are taking a time-out. Taxis...what better speed date than sharing a taxi? Be jocular, have a business card with you and be sure to tip the driver well.


Here is the perfect chance to show a girl that chivalry is not dead. Open a door for her and say something clever. Or jump in that revolving door with her, explaining your interception with, “Riding alone in these things freaks me out.“ Sheʼll laugh, think youʼre witty and will like that you can admit when you are afraid.

Your Local Watering Hole

The list of pros and cons to this playing field is longer than the CFL roster. Be prepared to get sacked, be intercepted or even lose a team member or two if there’s a gorgeous girl on the scrimmage line. She will likely be every man’s draft choice so hang back, make eye contact and observe her reactions to your competitor’s advances. If it appears she is having difficulty blocking a play, advance slowly and only assist if she makes the call. Wait until the game clock is just about to run out and take the snap. Hopefully you haven’t consumed your weight in beer and can carry the ball. You and your draft choice could be hitting the showers together.

Weddings & Barbeques

If you haven’t seen Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell in Wedding Crashers, rent it. Their tactics are offside but the rules of engagement are for real. A single man is bound to be the star QB at a wedding. You’re an MVP if you are light on your feet and can take control of the Astroturf (dance floor). If you can’t dance, SIT DOWN! Razzle and dazzle the ladies with your wit and sense of humour. Barbeques... beer, friends, music, your married buddy’s wife inviting all of her hot single girlfriends.... enough said. I know a real Boy Scout that asks out every woman he sees. His personal policy is to hit on every woman he finds attractive (How do you think he met me?!). He lives by the credence, ʻHe who hesitates, mastur...ʼ. His lack of tact, encroachment and his offending behaviour should have him warming the bench but his winning percentage isn’t any worse than the BC Lions. So what’s wrong with his approach? He has one play and one play only. His Hail Mary pass usually winds up incomplete.



Let’s slow it down. Right down to your first down. Here’s the play. If you see an attractive girl, make eye contact and SMILE. It’s reassuring to a woman. That, or she may think you’re crazy. Essentially, you have a fifty-fifty chance here and I hope you didn’t just have a spinach salad. If she smiles back.... first down. If she looks away in 3, 2, 1 or worse, turns and runs away... game over. Check teeth for spinach. If she smiles back, holds your gaze, bites her lip, flicks her hair or looks away but looks back to see if YOU are still looking, make eye contact and either motion or mouth the word ʻhelloʼ... second down. Quick, think of something to say, something appropriate and perhaps funny as you approach the scrimmage line. What have you got to lose? You can’t keep thinking, ʻWhatʼs the worst that can happen?ʼ because the next thing that flashes through your head is a gaggle of gals pointing and laughing at you. Your inner cheerleaders have just dropped their pompoms and now your legs don’t work. I can’t guarantee that nightmare won’t happen. And if it does, hit the local watering hole!!! But the likelihood of that happening is very slim. Most girls lie if they aren’t interested and say they have a boyfriend to block your pass. Most girls will be flattered by your play. Some women will find you attractive and some women won’t, just as you find some women attractive and some women you don’t. Rather than standing still and staring at a beauty with your gob wide open, quickly glance at her ring finger. Observe who is around her. If it’s a bunch of girls – even better. Automatic third down for having the confidence to approach her in front of her friends. Be sure to greet each girl respectively. The first way to alienate someone is to alienate her friends. Major turnover. There are two plays in this situation; make it clear which girl you are interested in and go straight for the pass. Alternatively, keep the conversation

flowing with her friends and bootleg several glances in her direction. This is a risky play, but nothing stirs a girl like a little competition amongst fellow female teammates. Try not to step offside into her personal space. You can bet her friends will be covering her once it is determined where your interests are. You may have to drop back, scramble or use a stiff arm but be sure to ask her out. If you don’t, that stiff arm is your date. Say hello, provide some sign that you are interested, minus liquor-induced ass grabbing or lame pick-up lines, or she will never know your name. You may take a hit or two. Try not to act like an over torqued juice monkey when you take a hit. A girl can change her mind and you may have only acquired a penalty on your first play, not a single elimination. Sound simple? It is. Very few women are approached. Some women sit and wait for fate to place Mr. Star Quarterback smack dab in front of them. A smile, a wink, or both are as effective as any bomb. Just remember to keep your head up, try not to fumble the ball and never forget to wear your helmet. ò


e k i L s k o o L s i Th a Job for... story by JD Bermudez

SuperTech! You‛ve thought it. You know you have. We all have. At some point or another, we‛ve all wished we had some of the superpowers that we see in the movies. Shame that being born the last Kryptonian or getting bitten by a radioactive spider are out of the question, right?


ut lately, there has been a lot more movies centered around regular guys using technology to get the powers normally reserved for mutants and aliens. So there you are, kicking back, watching Christian Bale or Robert Downey Jr. use their billion dollar arsenals to slap some super villain‛s pansy ass all over the screen, and at some point or another you think, “I wish I had some of that stuff.” Too bad it‛s all make-believe. Just graphics cooked up by computers at some movie studio, cobbled together from the pipe dreams of fanboys.

But what if the technology was on its way? What if, right now, there were scientists in the world who were just weeks, days or hours away from making you into the next Iron Man or Batman? Sounds like a dream come true, eh? Well, stop dreaming. Super strength, flight, invulnerability, super sight - these aren‛t just fantasies for comic book nerds any more - the technology is here, and it‛s advancing rapidly. So have Alfred pour you another beer and check out what the future holds, courtesy of your friendly neighbourhood men‛s magazine.

The Dark Knight © Warner Bros. Pictures.

SUPER STRENGTH: With the exception of Batman and Seth Rogen (err, I mean the Green Hornet), pretty much every superhero and his dog has this one: the ability to smash through walls, throw cars, run faster and jump higher, all courtesy of super strength. Since our lawyers have told us that we here at VEX Magazine can‛t advocate the use of steroids (and since man-boobs and testicular cancer are a crappy trade-off for ANY superpower), we‛ll need to rely on the world of robotics to give us super strength.

Which is where powered exoskeletons come in. That‛s right - you remember watching Sigourney Weaver strap herself into that giant robot and mop the floor with the Alien Queen‛s bony tail and thinking that you wanted one? (The suit, pervert, not Weaver. Well, maybe Weaver. She looked really good in that sweaty tank top.) Now, with the next film in the hugely successful Iron Man franchise in pre-production, our dreams of climbing into the cockpit of a powered suit are being taken to the next level. So, it‛s only appropriate that we kick off this smorgasbord of super-gadgetry with HULC and HAL – American and Japanese counterparts in the race to make people faster, stronger, better. Better living through robotics.

Iron Man 2: Industrial Light & Magic / Marvel © 2010 MVLFFLLC. TM & © 2010 Marvel. All Rights Reserved.

ISSUE #33 29

Born from completely practical desires to improve life for people with mobility issues and give soldiers in the field a tactical advantage, these two projects hold another, arguably more important promise, the promise that we can have freakin‛ superpowers!

Lockheed Martin‛s HULC (Human Universal Load Carrier) is a set of articulated legs attached to a waistbelt that allows a soldier to haul loads up to 200 lbs, at burst of speeds of roughly 10mph, comfortably on his back for hours, over rocky terrain. That‛s a lot of ammo, equipment and supplies. The soldier, according to one source at Lockheed Martin, will only feel an increase of about 10 lbs overall. Theoretically, HULC can also aid in rescue operations, giving military and emergency personnel the ability to shift larger loads, carry casualties to safe areas and set up operations and weapons wherever they need to be, even in areas not accessible by vehicles and traditional transports.

HULC images © Lockheed Martin

Part of the US Military‛s “Future Soldier” initiative, HULC or one of its descendants could one day see action as a front-line combat application, making American (and probably Canadian) soldiers into superpowered fighting machines.

MEANWHILE ... Across the Pacific in Japan, where the population is ageing faster than Lindsay Lohan‛s reputation, developers at several firms have started work on exoskeletons that will allow people with reduced mobility to get around, as well as giving those tiny Japanese nurses we‛ve been fantasizing about the ability to pick up and help geriatric sumo-wrestlers. Sort of a lacklustre application, considering that pretty much every giant fighting robot cartoon is made in Japan.

Developed at Tsukuba University and produced by Cyberdyne, the HAL (Hybrid Assistive Limb) is one of the most promising products being tested in the Land of the Rising Sun. A modular system that can go from fitting around one leg to a full-body exoskeleton, HAL looks like the bastard love child of the Iron Man suit and an iPod accessory, all shiny white plastic and sleek, glowing blue rings. The technology under the shell, though, is what‛s got our attention. The device reads the electrical impulses fired by the brain to the muscles and depending on the setting, can help the person lift as much as 10 times what they could normally carry.



Not only will healthcare professionals in Japan be able to move patients around with ease, but even people who‛ve lost use of their own limbs might find themselves inside of one of the $20,000 USD suits, giving them back their mobility and independence.

Sadly, HAL‛s developers are taking the peaceful application of their invention rather seriously, and wouldn‛t give us pics of the suit to use in our superhero technology article. Either they were offended we asked, or are secretly plotting a robotic invasion.

Either way, systems like HULC and HAL are putting humans one step closer to super strength.

FLIGHT: If super strength is the most common superpower out there, then the most iconic is flight. Every kid on earth knows what a Superman pose looks like. Again, the problem is that humans simply suck when it comes to flight. Without technology, we can‛t even manage a half-assed glide.

That‛s where companies like Martin Aircrafts come in. They, and companies like them, have decided that it‛s the 21st century, and that means it‛s time to give us what we longed for after every Saturday morning throughout our childhoods: jet packs.

Martin Jetpack images © Martin Aircraft Company

Capable of traveling in excess of 60 mph, lifting a 280 lb user, and hovering to an estimated maximum height of 8,000 feet, according to the company, the Martin Jet Pack is the most compact practical flying machine on the market at just over five feet wide by five feet tall. Not exactly the Rocketeer‛s sleek little backpack-sized machine, but still smaller than a biplane and infinitely cooler than your girlfriend‛s Smartcar.

Since it‛s classified as an actual aircraft, the Martin Jet Pack does require a pilot‛s license to operate, but that seems a small price to pay for the sheer pulling power of being able to ask a chick if she wants to see your jet pack. In addition to the boost in your love life, not only will you be able to descend on bad guys from the heavens, but you‛ll never be stuck in traffic again. Presumably, as technology advances, the equipment will only get smaller and more compact, until eventually we can strap our jet pack to the back of our brand spanking new exoskeleton.

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Kick-Ass © Lionsgate

This one‛s probably the most useful of the bunch. After all, flying and smashing through walls are useless if you end up like the kid in Kick-Ass, bleeding all over the sidewalk because you got shot or shivved by some mugger.

However, for years, the ability to stop knives and bullets has been woefully behind what we see in the movies. Ballistic vests tend to be bulky at the higher levels of protection, and many still do nothing for blunt force injuries or even stabbing damage (without getting too technical, the reality is that a sharp point will puncture most bulletproof vests as easily as it does a winter jacket). The more protection and defence that is needed, the heavier and more awkward the armour becomes to wear. To make matters worse, all of that bulk means that the armour doesn‛t look anywhere near as cool as Batman‛s suit. So the push is on to develop ways for military, law enforcement and corrections personnel to be protected from multiple threats while still maintaining mobility, effectiveness, and the ability to look good while kicking ass and taking names.

ENTER: SMART MOLECULES ... or what scientists call non-Newtonian fluids. It may sound like science fiction, but the fact is that there are several projects in development right now to create equipment using molecules that can react under different situations; that can maintain their flexibility while you run, jump and dodge, but “lock up” under certain kinds of stress to provide protection from blunt trauma or intrusion by sharp objects.

Among the forerunners in this field is d3o™. Currently used in top-ofthe-line sporting equipment, d3o™ is a patented technology, combining enhanced chemistry, engineering and design to produce an intelligent shock absorption system that flows freely when moving slowly. Upon impact, the material locks together to absorb energy, before instantly re-tuning to its flexible state.

The idea is that you can wear a piece of equipment that includes d3o™ augmentations in the elbows, knees, spine, or anywhere else you need impact protection. Since the material, in its natural state is soft, your performance as you ski your way to a gold medal or, say, leap from rooftop to rooftop is unhampered, but as soon as someone hits you with a baseball bat, the molecules will instantly lock, creating a rigid defensive shell, like traditional sporting armour.

The good news is that d3o™ is already on the market, being included in dozens of products and having been an integral part of many team‛s uniforms at the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics. The bad news is that while it could theoretically be used to beef up bulletproof vests to reduce injuries sustained by pugilistic hand-to-hand combat, it‛s useless against sharp objects.



Which is where a joint project between the American military and the University of Delaware, known as Shear Thickening Fluid (STF) fabric, comes in. Essentially, STF is just a mixture of silica (glass dust) and glycol. But when these two products are mixed in the right proportions, they create a material which, like d3o™, can detect sudden changes in velocity. The difference being that the molecules in this case can bind around a sharp object, slowing it down to a crawl.

When Kevlar, SPECTRA or any other bullet-resistant fabric is impregnated with STF, the combination can help to drastically improve armour‛s performance against knives, ice picks, sharpened toothbrushes and even armour-piercing rounds.

STF images © Kathy Atkinson / University of Delaware

As time wears on, the development of materials like STF and d3o™ could conceivably create fabrics that fit like a glove and defend the wearer against nearly any conventional threat. Just do us a favour? Cut back on those cheeseburgers before you try on any new super-spandex, ok?


Like the Predator, Terminator or yes, even Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne will tell you, knowing is half the battle - and having instant access to more information than what your all too human eyes can dish out is a serious asset on the battlefield.

That‛s why every jet fighter on earth is equipped with a Heads-Up Display, or HUD, to project targeting displays, velocity, altitude and radar information to the pilot. That‛s also why your video games are set up with a HUD, too.

© Recon Instruments

At present, the goggles are set up primarily for the slopes, that is, for skiers and snow-boarders. Recon asserts that they can link in GPS, trail maps, caller ID, speedometer, altimeter, text, video, audio, night vision, g-force indicators and a host of other vital tidbits. The company is even tricking the goggles out with gesture controls, so you don‛t have to break stride to use the hundreds of potential features.

Recognizing this and turning theory into practice is Vancouver‛s Recon Instruments. Working primarily in the field of professional sports, Recon‛s HUD-equipped goggles have major potential for military and super-heroic applications, since the company claims that it can patch any sort of data into its displays.

In theory, the technology could be patched in to more complex computer read-outs, potentially including targeting data and, mated to the right system, even intelligence on the types or armour and weapons that enemy fighters are using.

All useful information if you find yourself trying to save the world from terrorists and super villains with your armoured flying exoskeleton. So the next time you‛re watching some average Joe saving the world with tricked-out gadgets that couldn‛t possibly exist, thinking, “man, I wish I had some of that stuff,” remember that ‘that stuff‛ might actually not be that far off.

So what‛re you waiting for? Go save the world already!!! 34

ò ISSUE #33

educating alyssa





Some girls just don’t scare easy.

Besides choosing a profession that keeps her in constant contact with body parts, blood and infectious germs, Alyssa Andel has also subjected herself to some body art that would make even the burliest of bikers wince in agony and she’s still in love with a car that seems to be a magnet for destruction. Would it be fair to say that your education was a high priority for you? I think it’s very important. I had a rocky childhood and didn’t finish high school, but I went back and aced everything. Then I went to college to study laboratory work. What exactly does that entail? Anything from collecting blood and urine samples to looking at body parts in buckets and stuff under the microscope. No offense, but that actually sounds kinda gross. Yeah, I have to touch poo and other icky things, but I wear gloves and a mask ... I swear! Yeah, but still ... doesn’t that kind of stuff get to you at all? It’s kind of gross, but super fascinating! Besides, after having a kid, nothing really grosses me

out anymore. I’m not gonna lie, having a kid puke and crap all over you isn’t glamorous, but it’s so worth it! I just wash my hands a lot. So have you gone the soccer mom route and picked yourself up a minivan yet? I’m not ready to be a minivan mom ... don’t know if I ever will be ... I drive a 2008 Scion XB. Interesting choice. It’s gold and ridiculous. I saw it when I was down in the States a few years ago and fell in love with it. It’s quirky and fun, like me. It’s like a little bread box on wheels.

Two weeks after I bought my car, it got egged and scratched. And when I was trying to move my car to hide it from the little pricks who did it, I backed into a motorcycle lift. Then, two days later, I was driving along and someone spit a metal trashcan lid at the front of my car. And two days ago, a lady rear-ended me. Ouch! That’s gotta hurt. I know. And it’s not easy trying to match that damn gold paint!

How do you like driving it? Well, apparently my car is cursed.

But still, even that couldn’t have possibly hurt as much as getting your underarm tattoos. To be honest, they hurt like shit and I’m glad they’re over! My armpit tattoos were actually my first tattoos ever. They took two sessions of about four hours each.

How so?

Symmetry must mean an

awful lot to you, to subject yourself to that kind of torture, not just once, but twice! Oh, totally! The first one was a blur. I was so nervous. So going in for the second, knowing what to expect, it definitely wasn’t easy. But I’m happy with them now. What in the world made you decide to get them done in the first place? They were a Christmas present from an old boyfriend. I chickened out about ten times before finally getting them. Have you thought about how to explain them to the grandkids in 30+ years? I’m sure that by the time I’m a granny, explaining tattoos will be the least of my worries. Tattoos have changed. Dentists and soccer moms have them now.

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“I’m not ready to be a minivan mom.” ISSUE #33 41

“By the time I’m a granny, explaining tattoos will be the least of my worries.”











Regarded as the dirtiest player of his era, Sprague Cleghorn is also noted as one of the game’s all-time best defenseman. He was known to be incredibly skilled but with a really short fuse. He once scored five goals in one game but played the game with “vigilante vigor”. Cleghorn played hockey at a professional level for 17 years, amassing 163 goals and was on three Stanley Cup teams including the 1920 and 1921 Ottawa Senators, but even Ottawa, when he played there, didn’t like him. In one game against Montreal, Cleghorn viciously attacked Newsy Lalonde with his stick. No charges were laid but it drew the ire of the police. He seemed to have a personal vendetta against former Ottawa players and would often start brawls or take cheap shots. In one particular circumstance, he crosschecked Lionel Hitchman and his own team fined and suspended him for the rest of the playoffs, even before the NHL had time to rule on it. Ottawa was tired of his behaviour and wanted to send him to Hamilton but Montreal wanted him as a drawing card so Cleghorn was involved in one of the first trades in league history in a five player deal. Cleghorn took it personally and in the first game between Ottawa and Montreal after the trade, Cleghorn took it upon himself to viciously attack and injure four Senators: Cy Denneny, Frank Nighbor, Tommy Gorman and Eddie Gerard. The league was so incensed they tried to ban him for life but two teams would not agree. Despite his actions, Cleghorn finished his career with great numbers. He had 84 goals and 123 points in 256 games, and he also sat in the sin bin for 489 minutes.




Durbano was nicknamed “Demolition Durby”, or alternatively, “Mental Case”. How can you not make the list of top 20 goons with nicknames like that? He is widely

known as hockey’s baddest man, both on and off the ice. His toughness was legendary. He amassed 1,411 PIM in only 265 games. That means he averaged 5.32 PIM’s per game, which is the highest among players over 1,000 minutes. He led the league in the 1975-76 season with 370 PIM. Durbano’s destructive persona wasn’t just limited to his on-ice antics. He was arrested and sent to jail for seven years on drug trafficking charges after being involved in a scheme to bring over $500,000 of cocaine into Canada. He was also arrested once for shoplifting and later sent back to jail after trying to convince an undercover cop to join his prostitution ring.



1983-2000 Clark was one of the most popular tough guys to ever play for the Toronto Maple Leafs and was known as “Captain Crunch” for his tough style of play. In his rookie season, Clark amassed a total of 227 PIM with the NHL and quickly developed a reputation as a bit of a pugilist. He was known as a guy who would take on the best of the league’s heavyweights without hesitation, including guys like Craig Berube, Bob Probert, Dave Brown and Marty McSorley, to name but a few. He was also ruthless when it came to bodychecks. The most famous of them all came one night in the 1986-87 season when he bodychecked St. Louis defenceman Bruce Bell, knocking him out cold.



1953-1974 Cahan took on Jean Beliveau, JeanClaude Tremblay, and Jacques Laperriere of the Montreal Canadiens, all at the same time on December 29, 1964. That’s pretty tough in its own right. Before he made it to the pros, Cahan had received 160 minutes in penalties in only 39 games. An old teammate named Ulf Stern-

er, who was the first European trained player in the NHL, once said to Cahan, “If you were playing in Sweden, they would put you in jail.” He was brought up to the pros to add toughness to the New York Rangers lineup and he was more than successful. On December 3, 1961, Cahan was in a tussle with Boston tough guy Ted Green. Afterwards Cahan said, “I could have busted his head open on the ice, but I was too tired ... and besides, the ref said if I continued I would get another misconduct.” On January 13, 1968, however, Cahan laid a hit on Bill Masterton so heavily that Masterton would regrettably become the only death in the history of the NHL resulting from an on-ice injury.



1928-1940 Horner was known as an enforcer and in his 490 game career, he accumulated 42 goals, 110 assists, and 1,254 PIM. He is a member of the Hockey Hall of Fame, inducted in 1965. However, his induction was disputed at the time because he was never even considered to be the best defenseman on his own team, let alone in the league during his career. But he did lead the league in an unprecedented and as yet unequaled nine straight seasons as the NHL penalty leader back in the 1930’s.



1968-1985 Happy Gilmore’s favourite player is Terry O’Reilly. “Bloody” O’Reilly racked up over 200 minutes in penalties in five consecutive seasons. Coach Don Cherry referred to O’Reilly as “Taz”, after the Tasmanian Devil’s reckless attitude. Overall in his career, he accumulated 2,095 minutes in penalties. One of the most famous O’Reilly moments happened on December 23, 1979, during a Bruins/Rangers game. A New York Rangers fan snatched Stan Jonathan’s stick out of his hands and hit him with

it. O’Reilly, quick to defend his teammate, retaliated by jumping into the stands and attacked the lumber-lofting fan. The rest of his Boston teammates then joined in as other fans tried to intervene.



1980-1999 Kocur played for the Yorkton Terriers with number nine on our list, Dave Brown, in 1980. How about that for a one-two punch for junior hockey in the prairies? Kocur is also widely known as one half of the infamous Bruise Brothers. The other half being the late Bob Probert (our number two leading goon), when they both played for Detroit. The 2,519 PIM he acquired in his career puts him up there with the toughest of the tough. Donald Brashear once said in an interview that Kocur could crack helmets with his punches. He also recalled one particular scuffle he had with Kocur, stating that even though he was punched in the helmet, Brashear had a sore jaw for a few days and could not eat properly. Kocur’s punches often seriously injured guys, including Brad Dalgarno, who sustained a broken orbital bone after taking a slug during a game.



1969-1980 Dave Schultz holds the record for the most penalty minutes in a single season with 472 PIM. He was one of the most notable enforcers of the “Broad Street Bullies”. After one particular fight, Schultz hurt his hand, so from that point on he would wrap boxer’s tape around his fists in order to protect his hands (à la the Hanson brothers, only minus the aluminum foil.) Other tough guys followed suit, as it turned out to be a good way to protect the hands from future injuries, yet cause injuries on opponents. A rule, now known as the “Schultz Rule”, was later introduced and prevented players from wearing boxer’s tape on their hands. Interesting Timbit: At the age

sports of 24, Schultz tried to entice Tim Horton, then 44, into a fight. Horton kept saying no. After repeated attempts, Horton gave in and faced Schultz in a fight. Horton, who was much smaller than Schultz and played a gentlemanly game, ended up wrestling Schultz to the ground and sitting on him until the ref ended the fight.




Stu “Grim Reaper” Grimson played in the league for 13 years and amassed 2,113 minutes in penalties with eight different NHL teams. Grimson stood 6’5” and weighed in at 239 lbs. He had received more than 150 PIM in eight different seasons and scared the hell out of many during his tenure. Between 1991 and 1993, Grimson made his mark as a tough guy on a tough team, the Chicago Blackhawks, which included other heavyweights like Dave Manson, Mike Peluso and Chris Chelios. He took on the toughest in the league like Marty McSorley and Tie Domi. And his legendary fights with the late Bob Probert are definitely worth Googling. Not only is Grimson a tough guy, but he is also a born-again Christian with an RCMP father, who believed that it was just part of the job to pound guys into a pulp.




Clark Gillies finished his three year junior career with a Memorial Cup win with the Regina Pats of the WHL, and had left there with 570 career PIM in 201 games. He was then chosen 4th overall by the New York Islanders and immediately made an impact after making the team, right out of training camp. In his rookie season he showed the league he was not to be messed with as he walloped Dave Schultz of Flyers fame. Gillies never had more than 100 penalty minutes

in any year he played, but ended his career with over 1,000. He probably would have racked up more but no one wanted to mess with this menacing creature. Gillies was big and imposing, but he also had great hands. He was a good shot and could make plays. He scored over 30 goals in four consecutive years on a line with Mike Bossy and Bryan Trottier and is now a member of the Hockey Hall of Fame. In the years of the Islanders dynasty when they won the Stanley Cup four straight seasons, Gillies was the undisputable protector of his teammates. His “enforcer” status was cemented in the 1980 playoffs against the Boston Bruins, during his violent confrontations with Terry O’Reilly. He flattened the famous Beantowner on more than one occasion during that series.




Nilan is one of only nine players in NHL history to have recorded over 3,000 PIM (3,043 to be exact) over the course of his professional career. He also holds the record for the most penalties assessed in a single game. On March 31, 1991 when Hartford played Boston, Nilan was assessed an absolutely ridiculous 10 penalties: six minors, two majors, one misconduct and one game misconduct for a total of 42 minutes.




“Brownie” was arguably the toughest player ever to play in the NHL. He stood an imposing 6’5” and instilled fear in any player wearing a rival jersey. In one particular incident, he received a 15 game suspension for crosschecking Tomas Sandstrom across the face, breaking his jaw and giving him a concussion. It’s widely claimed that he never lost a fight in his entire NHL tenure. One night, he chased Chris Nilan around the rink in pre-game with no shirt on


TEEMU SELANNE (76) In the 1992-93 season we not only saw a 22-year old Selanne with the Winnipeg Jets find the twine more times than any other rookie in history, but we also saw the last time an NHL player would score more than 70 goals in a single season.

Most Points in a Single Game DARYL SITTLER (10)

On February 7, 1976, Sittler collected six goals and four assists in what turned out to be an 11-4 shellacking of the Boston Bruins. He earned two assists in the first period, two more assists plus a hat-trick in the second and another hat-trick in the third.

his back.




As Wayne Gretzky’s original bodyguard, “Cementhead” is considered one of the most rugged players the NHL has ever produced. He was a key ingredient in the Oilers dynasty as he gave Gretzky, Messier, Kurri, and Coffey room to move and helped them win Stanley Cups in 1984 and 1985. He even fought Muhammad Ali in an exhibition bout on June 12, 1983.




Eddie Shore was iconic for his toughness and defensive style of play. He was a bruiser known for his violent temper. In 1927, Shore broke a then-NHL record by receiving 165 penalty minutes. Along with his ability to knock heads, however, Shore was quite the hockey player. He won the Hart Trophy as the league’s MVP four times. Only Gretzky and Howe have won it more. Two different incidents involving Shore are legendary. First, in the mid1920’s Billy Coutu and Sprague Cleghorn were traded to the Boston Bruins where Shore, in

Most Goals by a Player in a Single Game


Sittler came close in ‘76, but the record set by Malone on January 31, 1920, may be the longest standing NHL record of all time. He scored seven goals that night, while playing for the Quebec Bulldogs, and helped spank the Leafs in a 10-6 final.

his rookie season, was playing. In their first practice, Shore was antagonizing the two new acquisitions. Coutu grabbed Shore, body-slammed, headbutted, elbowed, and tormented him. Coutu then picked up the puck and made a charge at Shore. The two players violently collided and Coutu crashed to the ice while Shore held his ground. Shore’s ear was almost ripped right off and Coutu was out of commission for a week. Shore was told by doctors that he would have to have his ear amputated but Shore insisted that it be sewed back on. He refused anesthesia and watched the re-attachment in a mirror. Shore was also known as the guy who ended Ace Bailey’s career. In a game on December 12, 1933, Shore hit Bailey from behind, apparently in retaliation to a hit he received earlier from King Clancy. Bailey’s head hit the ice and he was left unconscious and convulsing. In response, Leafs tough guy “Red” Horner one-punched Shore senseless. Bailey needed to have four hours of emergency surgery in order to save his life.




He is the NHL’s career leader in penalty minutes at

Fastest HatTrick Scored in a Game


It was March 23, 1952, and Mosienko’s Hawks were playing the New York Rangers. In the 3rd period, Mosienko would score at 6:09, then again off the ensuing faceoff at 6:20 and a third time at 6:30. Three goals in only 21 seconds.

3,966 ... unless you include his playoff stats, then the total is 4,421. He played for five NHL teams over the course of his professional career, but as a member of the Toronto Maple Leafs he broke many club and NHL records. He led the league twice in penalty minutes. In 1976-77, he had 338 and in 1978-79 he amassed 298. He may have been tough and spent lots of time in the sin bin, but in 1979 he scored 30 goals with Toronto and Vancouver. The following year as a member of the Canucks he bulged the twine 35 times to lead the team in goals, as well as accrue 343 PIM in 77 games. That same season, he played alongside Wayne Gretzky and Mike Bossy at the All-Star game, having already garnered 27 goals by the break.




Some say he was only in Montreal to protect Jean Beliveau and Bernie “Boom Boom” Geoffrion. In his very first game, he took on Ted Green of the Boston Bruins, and playing with the heart and guts of a pit bull, just 12 seconds into the game, pummeled him with three quick punches. From then on, Ferguson was known as the “new” unofficial heavyweight champion. He also scored twice in that game and set up another

sports to dispel the myth he was just there for his fists. Ferguson says he retired after only eight years because he was “afraid I would kill someone.” He is widely known in hockey circles as the toughest modern day NHL hockey player. Also known as the first “goon” or “designated sitter” in his eight seasons, Fergie had more than 100 PIM per year and also accumulated an average of 18 goals per season.

for a full year and McSorley, subsequently, never played in the NHL again. Although this may have been the most notorious moment in McSorley’s career, we will always fondly remember him as the “henchman” in Bad Boys alongside Will Smith and Martin Lawrence. “I’m just an errand boy.”







McSorley took over the moniker of “Wayne Gretzky’s Bodyguard” from Dave Semenko in 1985, retaining this title when he was traded to Los Angeles with Gretzky in 1988. McSorley will always be remembered for an on-ice incident involving Donald Brashear. On February 21, 2000 with three seconds left in the game, Marty took a baseball bat swing at Brashear’s head with his stick and Brashear fell like a chainsawed redwood tree. Brashear’s head hit the ice and he was knocked unconscious, sustaining a third degree concussion. McSorley was charged with assault and was suspended for the rest of the season. In October of 2000, a jury found McSorley guilty of assault with a weapon and he was sentenced to 18 months probation. As a result of the court’s decision, the league elected to extend his suspension

He has more penalty minutes than any other Toronto Maple Leaf in the history of the team, and third overall in the history of the NHL with 3,515. In the 1997-98 season, Domi set a single-season record with 365 minutes in penalties, passing the mark set by “Tiger” Williams twenty years earlier. Domi is renowned for his pit bull-like toughness as a small guy who would go toe-to-toe with some of the NHL’s greatest heavyweights like Sandy McCarthy, Georges Laraque, Gino Odjick and several others. Not only could he enforce, he managed to score 104 goals in his career that saw him play in over 1,000 games. Domi’s highlights include suspensions and fines for various incidences varying from one-punching Ulf Samuelsson unconscious to the ice, beating up a fan that fell into the penalty box in Philadelphia, as well as a vicious elbow to the head of Scott Niedermayer during the final seconds of a playoff

game in New Jersey.




The late Bob Probert saw protecting other players as his job, especially Detroit Red Wings captain Steve Yzerman. He is easily one of, if not the NHL’s all-time heavyweight champion who also happened to be a smart hockey player. He proved he could score points as he finished with close to 400, including 48 playoff points in 81 games. He also scored the last goal ever in Maple Leaf Gardens. Probert, the epitome of a scourge, was involved in some of the most memorable fights in NHL history. His famous bouts with Tie Domi, Stu Grimson, Craig Coxe and Marty McSorley made him a legend. He even threw down with one-time teammate and other half of the “Bruise Brothers”, Joey Kocur, in a brawl in 1993. With 3,300 lifetime NHL penalty minutes, he ranks 5th for all-time most penalties.


Back in 1952, teams would play in two best-ofseven series to claim Lord Stanley’s coveted mug. Unlike today, where the playoffs now consist of four elimination rounds. During the Red Wings’ playoff run that year, they swept both the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Montreal Canadiens in eight straight games to win the championship. On April 15, 1952, Detroit fish market owners and wacky Wings fans, the Cusimano brothers (Jerry and Pete), heaved the very first octopus onto the ice at The Old Red Barn. Their thought was that the cephalopod’s



eight legs symbolized the eight wins their beloved team accomplished to win the Cup. The tradition has since grown exponentially with each passing season. During one playoff game in 1995, fans hurled a total of 36 octopuses onto the ice at Joe Louis Arena. One of which weighed a whopping 38 pounds! Detroit’s unofficial mascot is a big purple octopus named Al, and every time the Red Wings make a playoff run, two of these mascots are hung from the rafters to represent the 16 wins now needed in order to hoist Stanley’s treasured chalice.



1946-1971, 1973-1980, 1997

Widely known as “Mr. Hockey”, Howe did it all. He was not only one of the league’s most prolific scorers, he was also known for throwing his elbows around and was one of the most feared players in the history of the game. In his rookie season in 1946, he proved that he could score goals and make plays. He also proved he could fight to the point where coach Jack Adams said, “I know you can fight, now can you show me you can play hockey?” The term “Gordie Howe hat trick” came about from his ability to score a goal, get an assist, and get in a fight at the drop of a glove. He was constantly compared to Maurice “Rocket” Richard, as they were both right-wingers, both wore number 9 and both were contenders for scoring leaders. Howe, however, was tough and when the two played against each other in Howe’s rookie year, he knocked Richard out with one punch after being shoved. Richard was a phenomenal player and arguably one of the best goal scorers of all time, but even he agreed Howe was better, touting, “Gordie could do everything.” Howe was a legend in his prime. He was known to have ‘windshield wiper elbows’ and liked to give ‘close shaves’ to anyone who dared to challenge him on the ice. Any hockey expert would tell you that the toughest of them all was Gordie Howe. In a 1964 Sports Illustrated article written by Mark Kram, he says of Howe, “he is a punishing artist with a hockey stick, slashing, spearing, tripping, and high-sticking his way to a comparative degree of solitude on the ice.” Howe was also known for holding a grudge. In 1957, Bob Baun of the Toronto Maple Leafs hit Howe with vicious intent and Howe had to be helped off the ice. Ten years later in Oakland, Baun was defending against Howe in a one-on-one situation. Howe took a shot and on the follow through his stick hit Baun in the throat. Baun fell to the ice bleeding. Howe stood over him and reportedly said, “now we’re even.”



Push Up with alternating extensions

If you’re anything like us, you’re sick to death of seeing that stupid commercial for that Tower 8000 ... or whatever the heck it’s called. It makes us want to chuck our beer can at the TV right from where we’re sitting on the couch! But thanks to our very own workout wizard, Nic Russo, you don’t need 200 lbs of resistance strapped to your door in order to get shredded. All you need is the floor and your own body weight. Take that, Jake Steinfeld!




one-armed tricep push ups

one-legged squats

Good Mornings


one-legged dead lifts



lateral leg lifts bicycle crunches


Start in a basic push up position. Push up slowly and controlled. At the top of the motion, extend your right arm and your left leg simultaneously and hold for five seconds. Repeat, extending the opposite arm and leg. Do 10-15 reps on each side.


Stand with arms extended straight above your head and knees slightly bent. Bend straight forward at the waist until parallel to the floor and then straighten back up. Do 10-15 reps. For increased difficulty, hold a phone book.




Stand with one leg slightly raised in front. Slowly squat down to a 90° angle on the planted leg and extend your arms out to help maintain balance. Slowly press back to an upright position. Do 10-15 reps on each leg.


Lie on your left side. Wrap your left arm across your chest and place your right hand on the floor at chest level. Push up, keeping your hips on the ground, and return to start position. Do 10-15 reps on each arm.


Lie on your back with arms extended out to the sides and legs raised straight up at a right angle to the floor. Rotate at the waist, dropping your legs to one side. Try to keep your shoulders flat. Lift and then drop to the other side. Do 10 reps on either side.


Stand with one leg slightly raised behind you. Bend at the waist and at the knees simultaneously, extending your raised leg to the back to help maintain balance. Straighten up to start position. Do 10-15 reps and then repeat on the other leg.


Lie on your back with your hands at your head and knees bent up to 90°. Touch your elbow to the opposite knee and extend the trailing leg. Repeat on the other side. Do 10-15 reps on either side.


valerie ross

WHAT’S LUCK GOT TO DO WITH IT? Let’s talk about something that some of you will get and some of you ... well, not so much. Poker is a combination of strategy and sheer luck! I often sit back and observe the overall demeanor of a player, as I find it very interesting that there is an undeniable truth that a significant portion of one’s good fortune is not random, but rather due to one’s state of mind and behaviors. Luck is an artifact of psychology, where a person is lucky not because of cosmic accidents, but because one achieves a particular mindset which precipitates and amplifies “lucky” events. I’m not particularly superstitious per se, however I am firm believer that we create our own luck. Obviously some measure of luck is based on chance, however I truly do believe that we may have more control than we give ourselves credit for! THE SCENARIO: It’s Friday night and you’re at your local casino. You’ve been playing for a few hours and the cards are dead, so you decide to take matters into your own hands and place a few aggressive bets that you normally wouldn’t play. As one would expect, the results are not in your favour. A few hands pass, only for you to discover that you are now down some money and you are still not getting good cards, so you try your “luck” again and the result is that you are now down more money. Now you have that very angry feeling in the pit your stomach, and someone at the table is starting to annoy you! (In most cases it’s the dealer, and you want to karate chop him/her square in the throat! Or, if you’re not the violent type, you hope that they fall into the little tiny garbage can on the floor that rests beside their feet to the right.) Either way, you now have a very negative overall feeling, and the cards are on the opposing team. The more frustrated you become, the worse the situation gets. You’re losing money and you’ve suddenly developed a mild case of Tourette’s Syndrome.



valerie ross You sit watching the flop, hoping to see your cards land. You have pocket QQ’s. There’s hope, but you still have that feeling that you’re gonna lose. There’s t possibility of both a straight and a flush on board ... “Please don’t be the Ace of Spades ... pleeease ... Crap! I can’t believe it!” Yup, there it is ... the card you were focusing all of your energy on NOT coming up. Bad Luck? Or self induced punishment? Or there is the flip side. You walk in to the casino and you’re feeling great. You look good. You start to play, and everything seems to be going your way. You’re happy, chipper, smiling, voluntarily enjoying conversation with your fellow players, and you just can’t believe how lucky you are. You hit every time, you’re raking in pots, and you profess, “Wow! I can’t do anything wrong tonight! It’s my night. I’m a on a hot streak so I’ll call you ...” Yup, you guessed it! You win. Good Luck? One’s mindset is entirely within one’s control. Unsurprisingly, optimism plays a key role in a person’s good fortune, since it strongly affects luck production and luck perception. Something to think about: There was a study conducted on luck. The Luck Project was originally conceived to scientifically explore psychological differences between people who considered themselves exceptionally lucky and unlucky. This initial work was funded by The Leverhulme Trust and undertaken by Prof. Wiseman in collaboration with Dr. Matthew Smith and Dr. Peter Harris. The results of this work reveal that people are not born lucky. Instead, lucky people are, without realizing it, using four basic principles to create good fortune in their lives: PRINCIPLE #1: Maximize Chance Opportunities Lucky people are skilled at creating, noticing and acting upon chance opportunities. They do this in various ways, including networking, adopting a relaxed attitude to life and by being open to new experiences. PRINCIPLE #2: Listening to Lucky Hunches Lucky people make effective decisions by listening to their intuition and gut feelings. In addition, they take steps to actively boost their intuitive abilities ... for example, by meditating and clearing their mind of other distracting thoughts. PRINCIPLE #3: Expect Good Fortune Lucky people are certain that the future is going to be full of good fortune. These expectations become self-fulfilling prophecies



by helping lucky people persist in the face of failure, and shape their interactions with others in a positive way. PRINCIPLE #4: Turn Bad Luck to Good Lucky people employ various psychological techniques to cope with, and often even thrive upon, the ill fortune that comes their way. For example, they spontaneously imagine how things could have been worse, do not dwell on the ill fortune, and take control

of the situation. With these basic principles in mind, may you be blessed with good health and good luck! Thank you for all your support. If you have any questions or feedback, feel free to email me at or add me to Facebook at Valerie Ross (White). I look forward to hearing from you.

Valerie Ross






ingredients ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●

8oz. strip loin steak mixed salad greens Roma tomato balsamic vinaigrette dressing creamy blue cheese dressing crumbled blue cheese button mushrooms garlic cloves olive oil crusty bread butter garlic salt

ò Heat a non-stick pan on medium-high heat. ò Heat your cast iron grill pan on medium heat. ò While the pans are coming up to temperature, season both sides of your strip loin with Montreal Steak Spice and slice up a half-dozen mushrooms. ò Put a tablespoon of olive oil and a tablespoon of butter into your non-stick pan and drop in 2 peeled garlic cloves. Let them sauté for

a minute or two. ò Toss in your mushrooms and season with salt and pepper. Be sure to visit them every few minutes to give them a stir and prevent them from burning. ò Place your strip loin onto your grill pan and let it sizzle for about 5 minutes. ò Once the steak is on, wash and slice the Roma tomato into 8 wedges. ò Check your mushrooms. ò Flip your steak and baste it with softened butter. Let side two grill for another 5 minutes. ò In a small bowl, mix a tablespoon of butter with a teaspoon of garlic salt. Cut a thick slice of crusty bread and brush your garlic butter mixture on both sides. ò Psst ... Hey! Are you remembering to give your mushrooms a toss? ò Take your steak off the grill pan, wrap it in a piece of aluminum foil and set it aside to let it rest. ò Place your buttered slice of crusty bread onto the

grill pan. Be sure to keep an eye on it. You want it toasted, not charred. ò Take a good handful of the mixed greens and the tomato wedges and toss them in a bowl with a splash of the balsamic vinaigrette dressing. Then lay it out onto your plate as a bed for your steak. ò Check your garlic toast and flip it when the first side is nicely browned. ò Give your mushrooms one last stir and remove from the heat. ò Unwrap your steak and slice into thin strips across the grain of the meat. ò Your garlic toast is probably done. Get it off the grill pan. ò Lay your steak onto the bed of greens and drizzle the creamy blue cheese dressing over top. ò Garnish with your sautéed mushrooms and the crumbled blue cheese. ò Top it off with your slice of grilled garlic toast and you’re ready to chow down!


This can be one of the best meals you ever make, but nothing will ruin it faster than using a lousy cut of meat. The strip loin might cost a little more, but you (and more importantly, she) will notice the difference.


 



OK, barbecue season is officially over and it sucks! But by simply picking up a cast iron grill pan, you can still get that outdoorsy flavour right through winter. It’s inexpensive and infinitely better than pan-frying a good steak.

cover story







hen Travis Milne was a kid growing up in rural Alberta, his grandmother suggested that maybe it would be a good idea to become a police officer. At one time or another in our youth, all guys wanted to become a cop, a firefighter or even a cowboy, whether you’re from the prairies or not. Imagine her surprise when Travis called home to say that indeed, he is going to be a server of the public, a protector of the innocent, a full-blown constabulary in the biggest city in Canada. And she can watch him at work every week...on TV. As a young man, barely in his twenties and fresh out of high school, Milne left the comforts of his home in Lac La Biche, Alberta to pursue his dream of becoming an actor, but it was not his first choice, not even his second. The arduous journey, however, took him to Edmonton, Calgary, Vancouver, and finally the streets of Toronto where he can now be seen by millions of viewers as Officer Chris Diaz on Global TV in Canada and on ABC in the States on television’s newest big sensation, Rookie Blue. Recently, VEX Magazine had the chance to talk to Milne about coming to terms with his newfound fame, while trying to stay grounded in the metropolis of downtown Toronto, where filming takes place for the TV show that follows the lives of five rookie cops trying to make it in the crime-filled streets of a big city. In sharp contrast to the dying sensation of reality TV, Rookie Blue is a fresh new look at programming and brings storyline, character building and a hint of comedy back to the forefront of television entertainment, à la Grey’s Anatomy, which it has been compared to. As Milne puts it, “people are starting to realize that reality TV is actually fake and they are looking for something else.” Milne’s journey to date may not have been a long one, but he has been through some tribulations along the way and he is the first to realize he is, in fact, “living the dream”. It all started in J. A. Williams High School in northern Alberta where Milne was an accomplished athlete. He was the guy who did it all. “At that time,” Milne explains, “I was a turbo jock. I was one of the captains of the basketball team, I played football, I was captain of the track and field team, and on the cross-country running team. I was athlete of the year in Grade 12 and I was planning on becoming a sports therapist or a physical therapist.” Not only was Milne an incredible athlete, but he was also blessed with the kind of rock-solid good looks that most guys wish they had and women would go ga-ga over. One of the people that recognized his raw talent and abilities was not a coach or a sports scout, but rather his drama teacher, Joanne Metchooyeah. Drama was a fairly new program at his high school and Metchooyeah was encouraging kids to enroll. It was her determination and persistence that Milne credits for his success. In Grade 11, he took drama because “everyone got good grades in drama as long as you showed up.” As feeble as an excuse as it was, Metchooyeah had other plans. One day in Grade 12, Metchooyeah suggested Milne apply for drama theatre at Red Deer College (RDC) because she saw the unlimited potential in her talented student. His first thought was, “nah, that ain’t gonna happen.” After all, he was an athlete first and wanted to pursue a career in sports. At the time he was even thinking that there might be a chance at pro football as his plan was to go to Senior

Rookie Blue airs Thursdays at 9 p.m. ET/PT on Global and ABC.

Bowl, where scouts come to watch the best of the best in Canadian high school football. If that didn’t work out, a university degree was his next move as he had already been conditionally accepted to the University of Alberta. Yet while in Red Deer trying out for Senior Bowl one weekend, he also wound up auditioning for the RDC Performing Arts program. Apparently, Metchooyeah had made an executive decision and sent in his application. “I was still thinking of university, but my drama teacher would not quit, she wouldn’t stop. She filled out the transcript for me. All I had to do was sign, and she sent it to RDC. That’s how committed she was.” It turned out that nothing came of Senior Bowl, but he did get accepted to drama school at RDC. It didn’t take long for Milne to conform as he admits, “I went to school for about a week and a half and decided, this is it, this is all I want to do. I’m going to go for it. I’m going to shoot for the stars and land on the moon.” And shoot for the stars he did. After college, he headed for Calgary and landed an acting agent. He quickly got roles in a few movies-of-the-week and small budget productions like Confessions of a Go-Go Girl and My Green House, which were filmed in Calgary and Edmonton, respectively. As most actors do in Alberta, you have to go to the big pool, so Vancouver was his next destination. Unfortunately, he ended up in Vancouver as soon as the crippling writer’s strike of 2007 was starting. “I didn’t work for about a year and a half,” explains Milne, “and I ended up doing all kinds of jobs while in Vancouver. I did landscaping, demolition, renovating, but mostly I did carpentry.” (Hey, it worked for Harrison Ford.) Things were not looking good for Milne. “I was at my wit’s end,” he painfully recalls. “I was five grand in debt. I was going to school. I was just going to go back to Lac La Biche,” he begrudgingly admits, “where I had applied to Portage College for power engineering. I



had enough and I wasn’t getting any work.” Then he got an email from the producers of Leslie, My Name Is Evil, a satirical and satanic cult movie, which was a project he was involved in that ended up premiering at the Toronto International Film Festival in 2009. They wanted to get everyone together for the premiere. Some of the folks in the crowd at the screening just happened to be producers and directors of a new upcoming show called Rookie Blue. Shortly afterwards, Milne was asked to do an audition for the new series that was in its inception and his attitude was, “whatever, I’ll go in”. They were impressed with his reading of the lines for Officer Diaz and they brought him in for a callback with four other guys. At the end of his audition they pulled him aside and said, “you’re our guy. We want you to play Officer Diaz, but we have to convince ABC and Global.” As Milne recalls, he had to “jump through the hoop of all hoops. It was lit on fire. The last big leap through.” But he didn’t go it alone. One of his biggest proponents was fellow actor and friend, Gregory Smith, who was already cast as a lead in Rookie Blue and had worked with Milne in Leslie, My Name Is Evil. The last audition was in Los Angeles, and Smith worked with Milne on the lines so that he could, as Smith said, “knock it out of the park,” and show the head honchos he was the guy. “When it was done,” Milne said, “I had to wait the longest week of my life. I flew back to Toronto. I was hanging out, kind of like traveling abroad waiting to hear. I went to Ottawa and I was in the War Museum when I got the call. And literally, from that moment,” he says with the giddiness of a child the day before Xmas, “my entire life, for the rest of my life was changed from that one phone call.” Since then, the roller coaster ride Milne is on has been nothing shy of orgasmic. At the time of this publication, Rookie Blue has been av-

eraging over 7 million viewers in North America after the first five episodes. After the third episode, one week before Milne’s 24th birthday, the new blockbuster was given the green light to go ahead and start filming season 2. Not even Corner Gas can boast that credit. He is so shell-shocked that he tells his buddies back home he is the “Rocky Balboa of 2009” (or rather the Rookie Balboa, you could say). Speaking of back home, it’s his roots and experiences of life up north that make him who he is today. “I grew up in a really special environment, Lac La Biche and Fort McMurray. They are wonderful places. I am a true believer that kids need to grow up in smaller areas. I think cities are great but there is something to be said about being raised in a small town. You learn to fix things; you learn you are not made of glass. I got my ass kicked when I was a kid. I got cut all the time building forts and shit. You don’t get to do that as much when you grow up in a city. It 100% made me the person I am today and will continue to affect my decisions from here forth.” It might be just a coincidence or a cleverly crafted maneuver, but Milne’s character in Rookie Blue is a small town guy who gets thrown into big city crookedness. Officer Diaz is by the book. His uniform is ironed, his shoes are polished, he knows how to follow orders, believes in the chain of command and most importantly, he defends the weak. Milne admits that coming up with the final details of Officer Diaz’s character was a collaboration with everyone involved. “Literally, it is the most genuine portrayal of a character you can find because it’s like a little bit of me, a little bit of the writers, a little bit of the story in general and a little bit of Chris. It’s a bunch of different angles and it comes together really well.” When it comes to studying the character and what it’s like to be a police officer, Milne and the rest of the rookies were given a one day tutorial of hands-on training to learn things, like how to hold a gun, slap on handcuffs, and where to get free doughnuts. But because the show is about rookie cops who are on their first shifts on the job,



Milne admits he wanted to keep it as mysterious as possible and purposely didn’t want to learn about the ins and outs of being a cop. “I don’t want it to impede my performance in the show,” he explains, “because we are rookies and we don’t know everything. We’re not supposed to know anything. When you’re a cop and it’s your first day on the job, you’re on your first day for five years. You can’t tell a tree from a bad guy for the first couple of years. There is so much learning.” He continues by saying, “It’s an honourable and very trying job. It takes someone with a lot of patience and understanding. Just being part of the show and knowing what they go through on a regular basis. It’s like, while we’re sleeping, the stuff the police go through and the things they’re cleaning up and the people they’re arresting ... we have no idea. It’s been very educational for me. It’s made me humble.” Let’s not forget, however, that this is television and over the course of the first season, Milne’s character takes on some drastic changes. He starts off as the stuffy, know-it-all, prissy guy and by the end, we learn that he is human and starts to take on a different persona. “The layers come off and the more I get informed about how policing is really done on the streets, the tougher I become,” Milne says. For kicks, we asked if his character ever ends up in a police cruiser getting serviced by a desperate crack whore. Milne just laughs it off and informs us that doesn’t happen, but there are some definite twists that make the show interesting. We will just have to wait and see. Grandma Milne should be very proud of her young, athletic, actor cop. We assume she’s been watching season one with all the vigor she can muster, surrounded by the good folks of Lac La Biche. Young Travis is doing well for himself, and for the next few seasons we can all proudly watch this humble Alberta boy as he grows up, not only in life, but also as a cop on a very popular TV show, learning the ropes and dealing with all the obstacles this crazy world can throw at you. ò

fox hunting







• 65

How did you get turned onto massage therapy as a career path? Honestly, it was a random decision. I was bored with my current job situation and it was just an idea, so I went for it. Turns out I love it! Are you a freelancer or do you work out of a central location? I work through a company called Target Health, located inside the Gold’s Gym in Airdrie. Can a guy request a session with you specifically, or is it always just a random draw as to which therapist you get? All of my clients request to see me. I specialize in deep tissue and sports therapy massage. What can I say ... if you like pain, you’ll keep coming back to see me ... and they always do! Has a guy ever asked you for a “happy ending”? Ah, the question everyone wants to know. Well, sorry to ruin the climax, but I’ve never been asked. I think guys can tell right away by my upfront/no-bullshit personality that it’s just not gonna happen.






THE SMALL-TOWN COMIC WITH THE MASSIVE MELON LEAVES HIS GAS STATION IN SASKATCHEWAN AND MOVES TO VANCOUVER TO BECOME A LIFE COACH FOR A CHILDREN’S AUTHOR WITH ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES IN HICCUPS. Hiccups just got renewed for another season. When do you start filming? We start filming it here in Vancouver on September 20, but we’re actually filming a portion of the first episode down in L.A. How are you spending your day today other than talking to us? Mainly writing. We go to camera for season two soon, so we’re putting scripts together now. Do you have any movie deals in the works right now? We’re shooting a feature film in the spring called No Clue. It’s a comedy/detective picture that’s going to be shot here in Vancouver. You performed at the River Cree Resort and Casino in Edmonton on September 17th. Is that part of a tour? It’s not really a tour. Kind of an in-and-out thing. I’m not bringing much together in the way of tours. I just have too much work to do here and can’t be away from home.



Do you still play poker with other comics every week? Not every week, but we play pretty consistent games ... like once a month maybe. It’s hard to get everyone’s schedules to sync up on a regular basis. People are traveling and working. In the old days, when we hardly ever worked, it was much easier to get everyone together.

Do you ever play professionally at the poker rooms? No. I’m actually a terrible poker player. I started playing poker regularly when I was sixteen and I’m no better, if not worse, than I was then. For me, it’s a social thing. It’s a great way to get together with funny people and have some laughs. If I’m not sitting down with a bunch of other comics, who can make me laugh and who understand my sense of humour and just want to have some laughs, then I have very little desire to sit down and just play poker. Did you know that there is a Facebook page entitled, “Brent Butt should spend eternity in a blazing inferno”? (laughs) No. I don’t know much about what goes on in Face-

book. I’m not overly worried about that sort of thing. I’ve had bikers tell me they were going to kill me while doing stand-up on a pool table, so I’m not worried about what some nerd says on Facebook in his basement.

So the fact that there is a Facebook portfolio picture of you with the word DOUCHE written on it doesn’t faze you? Oh yeah, someone did show me that. No, not at all. They’re welcome to do that. I may very well be a douche ... I don’t know ... but I think doing something like that is kind of douchey. Is there anyone whose forehead you’d like to stamp a word or two on? It’s a long list ... why single someone out? We should all be comfortable knowing there are a lot of douches in the world.

How do you handle it, now that you’re so recognizable? Well, 99% of the people out there are pretty cool. They just want to say, “Hey, I watch your show.” Or sometimes they think they know you, but they don’t know from where. Generally speaking, people are cool. Now and then you have the odd wing nut. There’s a certain breed of people that think the best way to start a conversation is to come up behind you, slap you on the back and scream, “Hey!” You almost mess your pants and you want to turn around and break their jaw before you realize it’s just some guy coming over to say something nice to you. They think this is a good icebreaker ... it’s not ... it’s a shoulder-blade breaker.

What exactly is the diameter of your head? In my act, I say it’s 27 inches, but that’s because it just sounds funnier. I noticed people are strangely proud of the size of their heads. People challenge me all the time, like there’s some prize for having a giant noggin. But there are no prizes.


“I’ve had bikers tell me they were going to kill me while doing stand-up on a pool table.”

comic stripped



I remember, some years back, doing this frightening gig at the Mountain Home Air Force Base in Idaho. There’s nothing like having 600 uneducated, drunk morons with an overactive tendency towards violence, shouting and threatening to the point where the opening act bolts after 12 minutes ... leaving me to fill the rest of the contracted time (pussy). Very frightening, indeed. I remember standing at the mic with my 80’s hair and silver suit. The soldiers shouting and behaving in a manner that reminds us all why other countries hate Americans so much. I stood there quietly for what seemed like several minutes. The crowd finally quieted to hear what the long-haired faggot in the silver suit had to say. I remember picking out the biggest dumb ass I could find in the



crowd and saying, “you’re the only one in this room who benefited from the ‘don’t ask - don’t tell’ policy.” The crowd erupted like I’d just pitched a no-hitter in the 7th game of the World Series (or scored the game winner in OT of the 7th game of the Stanley Cup for you Canadians who don’t give a shit about baseball). That quick thinking (okay, it wasn’t so much ‘quick thinking’ as it was a knee-jerk reaction to being utterly petrified) saved my ass, and I learned a couple of useful lessons that night: 1 Keep cool and give the illusion of control at all times. 2 There is always a way to win the situation. 3 Never do military bases. Surviving that gig was scary, but it’s only a close second to the scariest gig of my entire career

(thus far). The night I opened for Weird Al Yankovic in Portland, Oregon, wins first prize, hands down. I remember saying ‘no’ to the agent when he called offering me the tour dates. Personally, I’ve never thought anything Weird Al did was all that clever. I mean, we’ve all made up goofy lyrics to familiar songs, haven’t we? I admit, he did the costumes and the Michael Jackson video, but who gives a shit? It’s like the Beach Boys ... I just don’t get it. I declined the dates, but after deliberating with my wife, it didn’t sound like such a bad idea: 1 I’d be in theaters, performing for a couple of thousand people each night. 2 I only had to do 20 minutes for fairly decent money. 3 It wasn’t a military base.

I didn’t meet Al until the second date we did together. He turned out to be a really cool guy and I gained a huge amount of respect for him after hearing his band. They’re good! They switch from genre to genre at the drop of a dime, and they’re tight. I can’t believe I thought I was going to be opening for a geek with a karaoke machine and wardrobe closet. The Portland date was absolutely horrifying. NOTE TO READERS: My ex-girlfriend, Recovery Girl, lives in Portland. Even though we haven’t been together for several years now, that city still holds some torturous power over me. On every corner there is a building that belongs to her or her family. She’s like a stray cat that has sprayed her piss everywhere to mark her territory and you

comic stripped can’t escape the scent. A stray, self-centered, bi-polar cat with character disorder and a massive daddy complex spraying piss everywhere. You know the type. I drove to the gig with my old roommate, Justy. He’s a piece of work all on his own. The little brother I never had and an avid Weird Al fan. No, seriously. I thought it would be cool to have Justy meet Al. I knew he’d appreciate it and I’d feel like I paid him back for all the times he covered for me when my son would ask what those strange noises coming from my bedroom were. Thanks Justy. It was pouring rain and I was grateful for Justy’s driving. In the back of my head I kept thinking, ‘I hope I don’t suck.’ It’s a long drive home to maintain small talk and avoid eye contact. When we arrived, I realized that this wasn’t a cushy theatre gig. It was a rock ‘n roll club where artists who are on the way out (or up) get to play to a couple of thousand fans. I’d been spoiled up to this point because the theatres had dressing rooms and well-behaved audiences. This place was an armpit. There were no seats on the lower level. The crowd was pressed up to the stage. Zero separation. Having been raised in Canada and being Canadian at heart, I need my ‘comedy goal crease’. The dressing rooms were in the basement. Imagine the unfinished basement at your grandparent’s Saskatchewan farmhouse ... damp, cold, and smelly. This is the basement where all the shabby red velvet couches are stored when the winos are done pissing on them. New foam, a thorough steam cleaning and BINGO! - a fresh start in some lucky group home. Al had locked himself in his dressing room with the space heater and a snack plate. I found the cold room for the rest of the band and helped myself to their snack plate. Justy had water. I quickly changed and wondered what the backstage area looked like. First we had to find the stage ... wandering around like Spinal Tap, only without the old guy pointing the way. Just a lot of young self-important ‘dudes’ dripping with attitude. They wanted to be taken seriously, which was



“Theatres have dressing rooms and well-behaved audiences. This place was an armpit.“

difficult to pull off with their handwritten “Security” tags. I was just the piece of shit opener, and I was really starting to feel it. Selfdoubt crept in. Justy stayed by my side in his red nylon tracksuit. It gave the illusion that I too had my own handwritten “Security” team. Thanks Justy. It turns out there was no backstage area. I walked through a door and BAM! ... I was in the crowd. They were so close to the stage they could spit on you. Me no likey. The lights dimmed and the 2000+ extras from Revenge Of The Nerds exploded! “We want Al!!!” was their battle cry. I was fucked. The stage manager handed me the cordless mic and said, “You’re on.” No intro, no quieted crowd, no “Hey, listen we have a special guest...” I stood behind a thin black curtain. I could feel the anticipation of the crowd. They were hungry for Al and they were going to eat anyone who got in their way. Justy left me. He wanted to watch the carnage from the floor. I understood. He wished me luck ... much like Peter did as JC passed by carrying a load of lumber. ‘Catch you on the flipside, JC. Thanks for doing that loaves and fishes thing ...’ There was no way I was going to walk out from behind the curtain to be mauled by ‘Al-crazed’ nerds. Hell, I’ve had sex! With a partner! Which makes me different from any one of them. Whatever. Now comes the part when the survival instincts, that saved a terrified young comic (80’s hair & floor-length silver duster) from a hostile Idaho Air Force base, kick in. Invisible to the crowd, I became a cheesy ‘MC’ behind the curtain. I asked the crowd how they were doing and they exploded. I asked them if they were ready to see Al and they exploded. Then I pulled one of the luckiest and most ingenious maneuvers ever. I told the crowd that ‘Al had a special gift for them. He had brought along his favourite comedian in the country, and he wanted to share him with this amazing Portland crowd.’ I left the safety of the black curtain and walked into the spotlight to some enthusiasm, but most

of the air was rapidly leaving the room. There were some boos, but I expected that. Nerds tend to be particular and hard to fool. I took the mic and acted like I could kick anyone’s ass in the place. I needed them to think that I was in control no matter how much they didn’t want me there. NOTE TO READERS: It is at this point that I am seriously shitting myself. Maybe not literally, but I bet I was touching cloth. After a minute or so, the nerds and I bonded and started to have a good time. By the end of the set they really went nuts. I’m sure most of the enthusiasm was because I was finally done, but I have to believe that some was actually for me. It felt great walking off and hearing their appreciation. I’ve never been mean to nerds and in a lot of ways I feel like a nerd myself ... except for the sex part. I learned even more valuable lessons that night: 1 I should believe and trust in my ability. 2 Don’t let any situation intimidate me (especially involving nerds). 3 Justy dresses like my dad. I finally believed that I could work any room. I believed in myself. I’ve never forgotten that and I’ve had to employ it on a few occasions since. NOTE TO READERS: See $700 ... No Air in issue #30 of your VEX back issue collection. Justy and I had fun after the concert hanging with Al, the band, and the red velvet couches. Al was cool but some of the band took themselves way too seriously. I felt like making handwritten tags that said “Drummer”, “Guitarist”, etc. Pictures were taken and we escaped into the Portland night. I drove home a different comic ... a different person. They say that having the shit scared out of you makes you feel alive. I left Portland more alive than ever. Thanks Justy. ò




Madflower Creative and Osteria de Medici threw one of the greatest Stampede parties ever ... so, of course, we crashed it! There was live music, a fashion show, an overabundence of flowing alcohol and a hot tub filled with bikini-clad babes. Still think you had something better to do that day? Doubtful!






We spent an entire weekend with rockers, Suicide Blonde, at the King’s Head Pub in Calgary as they searched for the very first Miss Suicide Blonde. Look for a sizzling pictorial of contest winner, AmiJane Marshall, in an upcoming issue!






This was our second year covering the Edmonton Honda Indy and it’s fast becoming our favourite weekend of the year. Tons of action and incredibly gorgeous women, both on and off the track. Throw in some old-school hip-hop in the tent at The Bank Ultra Lounge on Jasper Ave. and we barely made it home alive!



parting shot samantha rupert This Calgary-born cutie loves snowboarding out at Castle Mountain. But that’s not in the cards for her this winter because she’s packing up and moving out to Toronto.

So you’re moving out to the centre of the universe, huh? I haven’t moved completely. I’m here right now getting to know the city, spending time with good friends and some family and looking for work. I probably won’t make the move 100% official without having come back to Calgary a couple times within the next couple months to make sure it’s what I want. It’s a pretty bold move to just pack up and leave, isn’t it? It’s scary, moving to another city. Especially one as huge as Toronto. You’re thousands of miles away from home and everything you know, but I just keep reminding myself that this is an experience and I can go back to Calgary anytime I want if it doesn’t work out. We understand you’d like to do makeup in the film industry? There are a couple of wonderful schools here in Toronto that teach prosthetic application and special effects makeup artistry. I’ve been looking into taking some classes.




VEX Magazine (issue #33)  

Calgary's FREE Journal For Men

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