THE READER'SDI-JEST
Unpleasentville, New York
Published in American, Austrian, Lower Slobovian, Yankeeian, Southian, North Pole, South Pole, East Pole, West Pole, Roman, and Greek. American editions also published in Braille, Non-talking records, Pig-Latin, and English.
Editor-in-Chief
Cabbage-head LeSueur
Richmond Editor ................ Tewke Clark Westhampton Editor ... .. Pres Beale
Law School Editor ............... Dick Mouse
Business Manager ........ Driftwood Matthews
Art Editor .
. . . . Picasso Peters
Layout Editor .. .......... WooPoo Texley
Exchange Editor .............. Janie C. Cather
Circulation Manager . . Bing Crosley
Bureau Heads: Spencer Albright, Southern Scandinavia; Phil Armstrong, Igloo , Alaska; ,Felice Abram, North Court; Bob Beasley, South Court; Sue Bentley, Buenas Dias ; June Bostick, Siberia; Al Coates, Korea.
Reporters: Barb Ferre, roving reporter; Jim Hatchell, running reporter; Anne Holmes, oversects correspondent; Dick Keith , underseas correspondent.
The Underwood squad: Faye Kilpatrick, Jean Merritt and Rosa Ann Thomas.
Writers: June Pair, type; Clif Warren, hieroglyphics; Seeman Waranch , sand scribbling; Barbara Warren, sky.
Disassociate editors: Beverley Randolph and Lucia Johnson.
Printer - Garrett & Massie, Inc.
Lettersof Depreciation
Dear Sirs:
I really goes for your magizine. It are the best one what I have ever red since I graduated from kindergarden when I were 12 years old. As President of the Lower Skidrow Craps and Pool Association I don't got much time to read all of the big magizines what are sold on the news stands I have found Readers Di-jest very helpful in keeping me up wit the times and to carry on inteligen t confersations wit the higher class of people tha t are members of LSCPA. I want youse to keep up the good work.
Sinserely, I.
M. STUPID
* * * *
Editors:
Reader Di-jest is really a fine inspiration to m e. I enjoy so much your brialle edition and every nigh t I sit in my spacious one-room flat with my dog and read your magazine. My dog has a little trouble with some of the words but I can read your book in no time at all. I said you were an inspi ration and I mean it-anyone who puts out a mag azine like you do must be blind too. * *
Dears Sirs: * *
Yours truly, SAM KANTSEA
I think Readers Di-jest stinks. It is the most pityful leaflet I have ever read in all my lif e. Where do you get such lously material? You wou ld be better off printing racing forms or bookie no tes than that simple hunk of nothing you do pri nt I can't understand why you would waste your time and that of the readers of America with such ju nk. You notice I said "readers of America" not your readers. I doubt if you even have any readers outside of your selves. Why don't you get smart and start doing something worthwhile?
Disgustingly yours, R. I. Drcun : Editor of Quick Magizin e.
1ST YEAR
LAST YEAR
Articles of very little significance , condensed and deformed
An exclusive interview with Dr. Doddingham Durwood
Why Go to College?
By New York Thymes Correspondent ROSA ANN THOMAS
]CE Patience on the monument , I settled myself on a green bench beside the arch and waited for Dr. Durwood-Dr. Doddingh am Durwood .
Somewhere there was the rapid clack-clack-clack of a typew riter. From another direction came an indistinguishable drone, which I took to be a lect ure in progress, punctuated frequently by the bass rumble of laughter.
A light , hurried step under the arch brought me to my feet. Dr. Durwood was approaching puffily, smoothing his fringe of hair with one hand and w ith the other stuffing his tie down into his coat , fastened with one button
" Ah , there you are ," he said. The amazing facility of his face to light up and break into a smile of a hundred crinkles fascinated me. " You w ant to interview me about school- that is , the value of higher education. Is that it? "
He seated himself on the bench and motioned fo r me to follow suit. His round face was pink with exertion; he planted his hands squarely on th e bench on either side of him - an awkward po sition-and smiled. " What would you like to know , my boy? "
It was my turn to smile; also to swallow , and clear my throat. " Well, sir , we ' re interested in knowing what you consider some of the positive values of education; what advantages the student
derives from his-uh-pursuit of higher learning. " " Um-m, yes. Rather warm, isn't it?" He drew a college catalog from his pocket and began to fan vigorously. Obviously one of the absent-minded professorisms I had heard about.
He searched vacantly to recall the topic of the conversation , and searching, brightened. "Yeshigher learning. Why, " here he shrugged and made a spreading gesture with his hands , " there are numerous advantages; decided advantages Think of the broadening influences. One meets new people , new ideas , new cultures Yes. Distinctly broadening." He nodded his head emphatically .
I was inclined to agree. One glance at his rotund little figure was persuasion enough. " What would you say about a man's personal pleasure in his own education? Would you- "
At this point he broke in excitedly. "Yes , indeed! Yes , indeed! Why , a great philosopherlet me see . . it must have been ... no . .. I forget who. Anyway, he had very good words for education; very good words He said when a man lost everything he possessed, he still had his education; you can never take that away-never. Unless, of course," and Dr. Durwood crinkled apologetically , "the man loses his mind. That's bad , isn ' t it? And you know , that ' s another reason for going to college, especially to this one
We try to help our young men adjust themselves in every way, mentally, socially, and so on. We do live in such a neurotic world."
His kindly round face looked so sad that I momentarily felt an emotion akin to compassion. When I said, "You're doing a fine job, Dr. Durwood. The community is proud of you," he brightened perceptibly, and his chest swelled until he was even more circular than before.
"There's something else, too," he whispered, as he slid closer to me on the green bench. For a moment he studied his stubby fingers contemplatively before he spoke again. Then he leaned close to my ear. "You needn't write this down, but-" obediently I suspended my pencil "-a sheepskin diploma looks nice hanging on a wall. Uh-that is to say-uh-that it can be-uh-a magic carpet to a good job!"
He smiled, looking satisfied with himself. "Yes, sir! Why-w°hy, our graduates have landed some fine positions. Fine positions! College graduates have some of the highest paying jobs there arenot all, I admit, but some. Our old grads are always writing back and telling us about their jobs. Why, just this morning-"
I looked up to see what had stemmed his flow of words. A dusty black Cadillac of the latest model had glided to a halt on the grass within a
few feet of where we sat. Dr. Durwood smiled nervously. "It must be an old grad come homethey're the only ones who drive around on the grass. You know, these college men, if they were on their ·toes-on their toes-could all own cars like this. Yes, indeed. Just like this."
He approached the car, but stopped short and wavered. The man getting out of the car hardly gave the appearance of degreed prosperity: his beard had not seen the razor's edge in the last forty-eight hours; his trousers bagged at seat and knees; his exterior was as dusty as that of his car. He strode to the rear of his Cadillac, raised the lid to the trunk, and heaved out an iron radiator which he lowered to the ground with a thud.
Dr. Doddingham Durwood gave a little gasp. Such audacious behavior on the green of his fair college! "Why-why-why, there must be some mistake!"
For the first time, the man with the Cadillac deigned to gaze upon the convex little figure before him. "You Dr. Durwood ?" Said doctor nodded dumbly in reply to this interrogation.
"O.K. I'm th' plumber you sent for. Where does this go?" And he jerked a thumb in the direction of his radiator. ·
Dr. Durwood was plainly confused; I could see that my interview was over.
Unquotable , Quotes
Frank Skinner: I feel I have served my government well, and I do not believe it is my duty to run again.-Unquoted in Peru Gazette
Emmett Poindexter: I'll drink to that. __:_Quotedin W.C.T.U. Journal
Grace Collins: So will I. _-Quoted in W.C.T.U. Journ,al
* * *
William W. Chaffin, discussing the latest political outcome: It was only through the splendid cooperation: of the Richmond Collegian that the party did well.-Misquoted in Newsmonth
C.H. Wheeler, III: The ten percent forced on me by the board is more than enough to cover handling cost and could, I think, .be cut considerabl y.-Quoted iri Pardon * * * *
Ira Druckman: I feel it's my duty to tell you that any thing you say will be held against you. -Quoted in True Detectiv e
* * *
Ralph C. McDanel: In the near future I can foresee the possibility of television replacing professors in the classrooms of the colleges; and I'm for that all the way.-Misquoted in the Collegian
STORY O F A WEEK END ROMANCE
AN UNFORGETTABLE CHARACTER
I'll never for g et her ! M y brother and I had been flying West in our miniature sea plane when w e were forced to land in an isolated mountain h amlet to have a flat pontoon repaired. We wand ered into the country store to make some purchases . W hen I first glimpsed her, she was sitting crossleg ged on the floor, stroking a child ' s head i.n her la p When she saw us she put the head aside and moved toward us with a graceful, snakelike mo tion Then she rose to her hands . and knees to see what we wanted .
The minute I heard her voice I was in love , for i t w as like no voice I had ever heard before. It ha d the haunting melody of a key turning in a rusty l ock. I tried to go but somehow I couldn ' t move . T hen I realized why-she had her arms around me .
The next few days were like a confused but lc;>vely dream. I remember well the sweet hours we sp ent together; her hearty laughter as she would r ead Poe ' s mysteries while the mountain wind howled outside the cabin; the tenderness that welled in me when I discovered that the note she h ad sent me was written in blood (her sister's) ; the day the wind blew back her long, soft bangs an d I saw her eyes for the first time; the way she would throw back her head and let me pick it up fo r her ; the time we stood on the Moor together un til he hollered.
The little things I remember; her complexion that looked like milk and honey from a distance
A PRll, 1952
and more like cottage cheese and syrup when she was close to me; the soft, warm fragrance of her that brought me nostalgically back to my happy youthful days at DuPont; her fondness for cozy midnight picnics where we would sit in the moonlight _suckings eggs together
By the time the plane was ready for flying again I was so hopelessly in love that I knew I couldn ' t possibly leave her. I sent my brother up alone but kne w that he would be down soon because he didn ' t kr;_owhow to work the controls . In the meantime I f'o~nd that her ardor was beginning to cool. It wasn't anything she said but the way she shoved me off that precipice and looked so disappointed when I caught the limb that saved my life. And the way she would scratch my back with a machete, waiting for me to fall asleep And the way she pouted when she slipped that noose around my neck and I would let her tighten it.
Events drew to a rapid climax; so rapid that it all seems like a blur to me now. My brother came down sooner than I had expected because he had forgotten his parachute. And then he, who had never looked at a woman before, saw my love and lost his heart. She deserted me for him and I was alone But all was not lost for I knew somehow that we would always be together. You see, my brother and I are Siamese twins -L.S.M.F.T.
KA Y'SKOOKINGKORNER
A LEFTOVERSURPRISE
CONDENSED FROM GOSH, GOODHOUSEKEEPING?
SOMETIME in her career, every culinary artist is met with the challenge of preparing for unexpected guests. The budget-wise cook will seize this as the golden opportunity for cleaning out her refrigerator, the result being a LEFTOVER SURPRISE meal. A suggested menu follows:
Vitamin Cocktail
Elite Meat Loaf
Icebox Potato Cakes
Slung Salad
Toasted Bread Crumbs
Scotch Tea
Candied Lemons
And now for those all-important recipes ( don't forget to clip them out for your Gosh, Housekeeping Cookbook!)
VITAMIN COCKTAIL-This one is simple; you just pour into one large container any or all of the following, in whatever quantity you happen to have them: pineapple juice (you used all the slices last week.), apple cider (it's been around since Halloween), orange juice (remember that half a glass junior left at breakfast?), and anything you can scrape out of yesterday's grapefruit halves. If you must make it go a long way, you might try draining that _jar of dill pickles, but this is not strongly recommended.
ELITE MEAT LOAF-Mix together after dicmg:
3 slices Spam
1 pork chop ( remove bone first)
2 pieces fried chicken
4 slices liver ( don't bother to brush off the onion)
1 strip bacon
½ lb. Limburger cheese
1 salted herring
1½ deviled eggs
¾ can vegetable soup
3 bottle-knocks catsup crumbs of Godfrey's Honey Grahams
Press into mold; bake until done, or until odor of cheese antagonizes husband.
ICEBOX POTATO CAKES-Another ''quickie," Just before dinner pull out the bowl of leftover mashed potatoes. Form into cakes; place in nest of cold spinach. 1
SLUNG SALAD-Put through meat chopper :
½ head lettuce
1 tomato ( watch that bad spot)
2 carrots
9 beets (pickled ones will do)
% box raisins
3 red apples
5 cabbage leaves ( what you didn't boil yesterday)
add catsup, french dressing, Worcester sauce, mayonnaise, soy sauce; mix well. Sling bowl to junior, who places it on table
TOASTED BREAD CRUSTS-Now you ' re glad junior doesn't like crusts on his sandwiches!
SCOTCH TEA-Take two weeks' supply o f used tea bags, boil in 2 quarts water for 15 minutes!
CANDIED LEMONS-Here's a dessert which doesn't have to be prepared ahead of time; gues t simply fishes slice of lemon out of his tea and dips it in sugar bowl!
Remember these tips and your entertaining will be care-free ( no one will come to see you). Th e recipes are most appreciated by those who haven 't had similar food previously; accordingly, they are NOT recommended for GI's and college students . -KAY BEALE
A rainy night-a chance meeting-and then: MURDER!
STRANGERS IN THE RAIN
Reviewed by Seeman Waranch m
The Monday Review of Literature
Strangers in the Rain introduces to the American public, those who can read, an exciting, talented novelist, Howdja Dew.
The author credits his early life in a big metropolis for much of his success. He was born in Petersburg, Virginia. After completing high school, he decided to see the world, and so he, no, not joined the navy, but attended the University of Richmond.
Strangers in the Rain is Mr. Dew's first literary effort since leaving college. Of Strangers in the Rain, Walter Winchell says, "Every page drips with excitement." Colliers says, "Saturating plot!" Time magazine says, "Strangers in the Rain is characterized by its exuberance of excitement, its impregnating plot." Huum.
Mr. Dew, after great deliberation, admits that the story is, in part, supported by his own adventures at the University. It all begins one rainy April night. Our hero is standing in the massive Science Quadrangle.
The six-story buildings make him appear but the shadow of a man. The green grass, thirsty for the April rain, frames his dejected, disillusioned figure. It was one of those April nights when the rain, drumming on the ground, and echoing fr om the hills, intensified the cares of the troubled, or soothed the undisturbed with its soft hum.
Mr. Dew, then freshman Dew, had come to th e silence of the quadrangle to think out a problem. Unlike many of us, he was failing a course, physiography, which has since been removed from the University's educational program.
Just then a Westhampton lady approached him in the dreary night. She was a vision of beauty, but then again, it was dark. It seems she had a pr oblem, too. The poor freshman had four dates on this certain week end, and there were only three date nights. Oh, woe!
The two began talking after hasty "howdja A PRIL, 1952
dew's." Amazingly enough one thing led to another, and at last, they came upon a solution to their problems. MURDER!
Dew and his frau doubted the sanity of this plan at first, but they were finally convinced by the simplicity of the plot itself, a plot often borrowed by Hollywood. The two of them merely decided that he would kill one of her four dates, and she would murder his physiography professor. "The perfect murder," they called it. They would never be caught for they had no motive.
Dew just happened to have a pistol lying around, so they needed only to plan the perfect times for their murders, two days later. The two days passed like weeks for the conspirators, but finally the appointed time arrived. Dew carefully slipped out of the dormitory, hurried .to the lonely spot on the Lake path where a meeting had been arranged, and shot his man.
The next morning our Mr. Dew, current! y America's newest, most exciting novelist, showed up for physiography class, confident that the old prof was no more. Evidently Florence Nightingale across the lake slipped up somewhere, because when the professor walked in, the real drama ·of the plot unfolded.
Dew rushed out of his class, swam the Westhampton channel, and, after posing for photographers at the other side, hurried to North Court. After much difficulty, he finds his supposed partner-in-crime and asks a natural, "Wha hoppened ?"
It seems that the innocent young lady decided at the last moment that of her four dates for that week end, she had chosen the one she really loved ( for that week anyhow) to be the recipient of the lead. (What'll they think of next to kill a guy?) Getting back to our story and our female, who figured that now the murder was of no avail to her, she merely chose to forget the whole deal and not kill the innocent professor after all.
Our hero could not see her viewpoint. He took the narrow-minded approach that he had been cheated, had become a murderer and still had not erased his own problem.
He doesn't know: what to do. He says he'll skip
town. She makes no comment. He says he'll kill himself. She applauds. He says he'll kill her. She calls the cops.
Mr. Dew chose to end his true story at this point, which left us very much baffled as to the outcome of the "perfect murder" until we saw the following news clipping the other day:
Howdja Dew, author of the current best-seller, Strangers in the Rain, has filed suit from behind the walls of a southern penitentiary against Alfred Hitchcock and Patricia Highsmith for transcribing his plot into a different situation and making a movie out of same.
Giggles are the Best Antidote
Overheard at the bar of the Times Square Schrafft' s, one middle-aged man to another: "My boy's doing a terrific job at college. He's made the best fraternity and Phi Beta Kappa. In fact, he's made all the keys they got. And when he graduates, if he doesn't make magna, he'll definitely make cum.
* * * *
Two old ladies were enjoying the music in the park.
"I think this is a minuet from Mignon." said one.
"I thought it was a waltz from Faust," said the other.
The first went over to what she thought was the board announcing the numbers.
"We're both wrong," she said when she got back, ''it's a Refrain from Spitting."
* * *
A sweet old lady, always eager to help the needy, spied a particularly sad old man standing on a street corner. She walked over to him, pressed a dollar bill into his hand, and said, "Chin up."
The next day, on the same street corner, the sad old man shuffled up to the old lady and slipped ten dollars into her hand.
"Nice pickin' ," he said in a low voice. "Paid nine to one."
8
Why do radio announcers have small hands? Wee paws for station identification.
* * * *
An immigrant had just come over from the ol d country. He had no knowledge of English. Hi s brother-in-law found him a job in a factory, but th e poor man was confused as to how to procure something for himself to eat. His brother-in-law told him to just go into the diner across from the factory an d ask for apple pie with coffee. He did this for abou t five weeks, and then tiring of the diet, requeste d some more help on his vocabulary. His brothe r suggested he ask for a ham sandwich. So the ne xt day when the . waiter approached him, he said very carefully, "Ham sandwich." The waiter replie d, "White or rye?" "Ham sandwich." ... "Whi te or rye." "Ham Sandwich." One more time, "whi te or rye?" A long pause. "Apple pie mit coffee."
* * * *
A coed was on a trolley car discussing opera with her friend.
"I just love Carmen," she said.
The conductor, who passed by at the mome nt, blushed a deep red and said, 'Try the motorm an, Miss; I'm married."
UNIVERSITYMESSENGER
1. Bored Stiff
Decrease Your Word Power
A) An uninterested corpse.
B) U. of R. Student in Convocation.
C) A soldier in the Boer War.
2. Ten per cent
A) A Washington grafter.
i3) The cut Wheeler gets.
C) Rise in prices last week.
3. Dam
A) Bosher' s.
B) It.
4 Greek Week
A) A puny guy from Greece.
B) Annual union of fraternities against the Phi Garns.
5. May Day
A) The first rainy Saturday in May
B) Annual Communist Holiday.
C) Day when Eskimos grab an icicle and dance around the North Pole.
6. Office Hours
A) The time the deans are not in their offices.
B) The hours spent waiting in the dentist's office; 9-5.
7 . $2,750,000,000
A) The National debt.
B) Jack pot on "Stop the Music."
C) University of Richmond's windfall.
8. Alumni
A) Latin term meaning-"So Long it's been good to know you."
B) What we wish we wuz but we ain't.
C) Those from whom sentiment flows more easily than money.
9 . Lecture
A) Synonym for nap.
B) Time when professors practice reading aloud.
C) When students learn speed writing 10. Mile
A) How far you'd walk for a Camel.
B) Distance from Westhampton to Bus Stop.
C) Quaint marathon race in track.
11. ABC
A) First three letters of the alphabet.
B) Always Buy Chesterfields.
APRIL, 1952
C) Store where the fifth is the w];leel.
12. Fraternity Pin
A) Something you give away and a few years later you get back a diaper pin
B) You've got it, Westhampton wants it.
C) The rage in costume jewelry this year.
BORED STIFF-B. The Pilgrims had their stocks and the pen has solitary confinement, but at University of Richmond convocation is used to punish students.
TEN PER CENT-B. Senat~s may debate for semesters over the percentages for campus organizations, but Wheeler's 10% is as certain as death and taxes.
DAM-(Daaam) (the " N " is optional)-Either definition is acceptable depending on your state of mind. Bosh er' s Dam, a scenic spot on the James River, is reported to attract more sightseers than Garden Week in the Old Dominion.
GREEK WEEK-B. From the Greek word Greek, meaning Greek, and Week meaning week. Loosely translated it means "Win that cup! "
MAY DAY-A. May Day, as it appears on the Alman ac Pages means "a day on which precipitation is inevitable." In other words, "Quick, Henry, the raincoat."
OFFICE HOURS-A . The only frustration greater than a craving for broiled hummingbird's tongue is trying to find a dean in at office hours.
$2,275,000,000~C. Would anybody like a scholarship?
ALUMNI-C. For further information see Joe Nettles, who is finishing up the Alumni Fund Drive.
A MILE-B . Next year they're making excellence in hiking an entrance requirement. The highway department is threatening to charge walking tax for highway upkeep.
LECTURE-A . The time to catch up on the sleep you lost last night.
ABC-A. Of course they're the first three letters of the alphabet. Remember, this is the MESSENGER.
FRATERNITY PIN-C. Fraternity pin is derived from Latin and does not connote brotherly love. Diamond or ruby, Westhampton girls want that pin.
in United 1l.tau4
Xa member of the Smoover Committee, it was my duty to travel all over the country making speeches in every state to urge the adoption of our policy for reorganization of the government. On one occasion I spoke to a group of college students. I gave my usual speech on reorganization and it was very well received. After my talk was concluded, I was interviewed by a reporter for the college paper. I outlined my speech for him and pointed out the main idea. We had a very satisfactory interview.
That night I le£t for another state to speak About three days later I received a copy of the paper from one of my old friends who was a professor at the school.
Wondering why he should take the trouble to send me a copy of a college paper, I read the article It was fairly good and very accurate. Then I saw the headline:
DUGAN'S SPEECH SHOWS NEED OF ORGANIZATION
-JAMES DUGAN
Waterboro, New Mexico
Me and my too old maid ants wuz ridin on a bus wun day on our way too Kentucky which it wuz the furst tim we all had been thar in quit a spel.
Prutty soon the bus got somkind of awful crowded. A lot of folks wuz standin up amost which they wuz too saylers and they sure wuz handsom. Poor fellers had too rid quit a ways 'thout gittin too sit down any.
Fore long me and my too old mad ants come too our deztinashun which wuz whar we wanted too get off at.
Then a peeqular thing commenced too happin. My too old mad ants got up and guv them handsom saylers a meen look and backed out the door and they aint never took they eyes offen them say10
lers which wuz rite cute fellers.
Soon as ever I got out of the bus, I says too my ants " why in the wurl did you all ack so funny on the bus."
My ants blused and say, " Land saked , honey , we wuz scaired to deaf We hear them too fresh saylers say soon as we got off they wuz goin too grab our seets."
-JANIEBELLE SCRATCHFEED Possum Hollar, Arkansas
When my wife and I were married, we decided that in order to understand each other better, we each attend the others church
The first Sunday , she went to my church. I am an Episcopalian Before the service I tried to explain to her how our service was conducted and what she should do at different times during the service-especially when to kneel. She came through like a trooper. After the service was over I asked if she understood everything. She said that she thought it was a very beautiful service and she understood it quite well.
The next week I went to her church . She is a Baptist. She explained the service to me and said that they had a very simple service which I could no doubt understand very easily. The service went along very nicely with hymns, collections, etc. Then the pastor took out his watch, put it on the pulpit and began his sermon. He spoke for an hour and fourteen minutes.
After the service my wife said , "Was there anything about the service that you didn't understand?"
I said , "I didn't quite understand why he put his watch on the table. What did that mean?"
My wife said, "That did not mean a thing-no t a thing!"
-HAPPY LEE MARRIED Centerville, Californi a UNIVERSITYMESSENGER
spare the ·rod, parents,remember he's DADDY'SLITTLEBOY
Condensed from Parent's Magazine
W. DOUGLAS CLARK
Prominent bachelor writer
SONNY, the darling of the family, Mother's little boy, Daddy's little man, all the relatives' minute vial of Greek divinity is the singular unit of the American home. What would life be without dear Sonny daintily traipsing through the house with six of his mother's prize antique figurines bouncing on a string behind him. But, Mother, don't scold! He was only innocently playing wagon train and after all, you did refuse to buy him that nice set of plastic wagons in the 5 and 10 last week. The sin is on your soul.
Sonny is the picture of the American way of life. He is a real boy, especially when he chopped down the new willow sapling that Dad had just planted in the front yard. All he wanted was a stick horse and whose fault is it that he doesn't live out in the country where there are plenty of wild trees and who was it that bought the hatchet?
To show the real suffering of dear Junior, let's take a typical day in the life of the average child just to see how he reacts to his environment.
As the first rays of sunlight peek through the windows and Mom and Dad settle down for that stolen hour or so before breakfast, a familiar crashing sounds from the stairs. Startled half to death, Dad vaults out of bed to find Sonny sitting smiling at the top of the stairway and the mangled wreck of what used to be his new gas truck settling down in its last throes of death at the foot.
"What a fine lad to be up and about so bright and early in the morning," thinks his father as he ponderingly fingers the baseball bat leaning against the wall. Of course, Sonny is quite aware of his father's homicidal tendencies as evidenced A PRIL, 1952
by the callouses on his frequently mistreated posterior, so he half falls down the stairs, scoops up the . remnants of a once fabulous gas truck and scurries through the house headlong into the china closet. The damage is only slight, however, due to the toll of several previous encounters. Sonny unconcernedly continues out into the yard to play in the new sandbox he had finally wheedled out of the old man.
The rest of the morning passes uneventfully with the exception of a few bruises from falling out of the cherry tree into the garbage can, a brutal beating from his mother for burning the hair off the next door neighbor's prize Persian cat ( cats, Sonny thought, were filthy beasts for killing cute little mice), a sizzling scolding from the cook for taking her best carving knife and threatening to cut out his cousin Jane's tongue, and ending with a mud pie battle with Johnnie. This battle did wonders for the new white playsuit his - mother had just put on him to wear downtown but not much for his self dignity nor his sitting posture. Parental autocracy is beginning to become unbearable for him.
After lunch, Sonny is treated to a shopping tour with Mother. At first, it is a little boring. Then they ·go into the jewelry store where Sonny meets one of his old drinking buddies. A slam bang
game of cops and robbers ensues and Mother leaves after paying, not only for the intended earrings but also two china trays, slightly damaged as Dick Tracy caught Tonsils. Picking up the five thousand fragments of her purchases, she drags poor Sonny out by the ear, the reward of crime. (He was Tonsils.)
After being yanked and tugged through one crowded shop and another, the poor bedraggled child slowly drags toward home, continually and mercilessly prodded by Mother. On reaching the porch, he crumbles exhausted into porch chair, unable to move a muscle. How was he to know that his Mother had just painted the chair that morning? The ivy green stripes on the white playsuit set it off beautifully. His Mother, quite perturbed unnecessarily, did not appreciate the new pattern and after erasing the green on his skin along with the .first two layers of skin, sent him to bed for his nap.
Refreshed, Sonny is all bright and eager for another round of playing. Not having enough toys to play with, he had to rummage around and find something worthy of his attention.
Scrounging around the lily pool for half an
hour, he discovers a suitable playmate in the person of a medium size frog. Just as he gets completely engrossed in playing, the call of the wild sounds across the lawn. "Supper," sounds the shrill voice that would put a screech owl to shame. J?epositing his friend in a back pocket, Sonny meekly obeys and proceeds into the house only to be confronted by a soapy washcloth and a teaspoon of cod liver oil.
In the middle of supper, he is disturbed by a bloodcurdling screech from his Mother's end of the table. His playmate is valiantly attempting to escape by way of his Mother's leg. Sonny, knowing that he will be blamed for the unfortunate escape and consequent scene, immediately leaves and goes up to his room and the inevitable punishment of no supper. The poor child cries himself to sleep only to face-another dawning day.
Parents Magazine, in a nationwide poll of youngsters, gathered the information in the preceding story to reveal the injustices of our modern family and social standards to the younger generation. It ended the article with a note to all parents : Mend your ways, the youth of the world may revolt!
ClippedFrom the Press
Incidental Intelligence: The Masser Motor Express Company, of Weehawken, has changed its name to Accelerated Transport Pony Express Company.
Studies show that out of 100 men reaching age 65, there will be 54 who are not self-supporting and 36 will be dead.-From a circular from the New York Life Insurance Company.
* * * *
If you are unable to see this "Breath-taking play on Broadway with the equally breath-taking Lilli Palmer and Rex Harrison, don't deny yourself an unforgettable experience. See your bookseller. ... That cross-eyed little runt?"
* * * *
Between 11: 30 and 12: 30, sixteen cars were 12
tagged for illegal parking in front of South Court. One enterprising little chassis managed three in ten minutes. * * * *
Perverse new item-All her life Grandma Hester Tooley, 72, has yearned to go to college, bu t circumstances hitherto have foiled her. As a girl , after she had saved enough fo enter Radcliffe, he r father and two brothers decided not to work any more so she had to abandon her dream and support the family. Later she married and had to brin g up a family of six children and one husband. Now , at last Grandma Tooley is alone,. and a week ago , on winning a cash prize of $14,000 on a radi o quiz program, she found herself with means an d leisure to achieve her lifelong goal.
But she isn't going to college. Too silly, she says. UNIVERSITYMESSENGER
H 0 R T E N s E H 0 N E y C 0 M B
By BURNT PRETZEL
A condensation of a new novel of the Old South ..
HORTENSE HONEYCOMB sat on the wide, white veranda of the Honeycomb plantation. Dressed in a flowing organdy g own of pale blue, she was easily the prettiest little ol e girl in little ole South Carolina . Her ivory skin was delicately tinted by the first flush of young love. Her eyes sparkled like new-mown h ay. Her teeth were a glittering green from her new toothpaste . Her soft bosom swelled with joy. Yes .. Hortense at last knew the joy, the ecstacy of love
From the drawing room Hortense heard the clock strike the hour. One . two . . three .. un til it was six As the last struck the first note A PRIL, 1952
of " Dixie ," the lovely form on the wide , white veranda saw a figure on a horse turn into the lane that led to the house. At last he was here!
Fitzhugh Billinghurst dashed up the lane on his fine white mare. Hortense 's chest went flippityflop.
" Why , Mr. Billin 'hurst, I never expected to see you all, I declah I didn ' t," said Hortense with a sigh .
Fitzhugh dismounted . He was 6 feet 3 inches tall. The strongest man in South Carolina. His hair was the color of the sunset. He drank , gam-
bled, and was a notorious flirt ... in short, a paragon of virtue.
"How doj Miss Hortense, m'am," he said as he looked deeply into her eyes. Hortense blushed.
* * *
And so they were married.
On their honeymoon he took her to New Orleans, the queen of the South, where Yankee was a cussword and a mint julep was worth two gin slings any day.
For three glorious months the happy couple spent their time sitting on a wharf watching the shrimp boats come in.
One day a handsome stranger came down to the wharf. He was 6 feet 5 inches tall and the strongest man in South Carolina and Louisiana. His hair was the color of moonbeams.
"How do, m' am, allow me to introduce myself, I'm Cap'n Alexander Lucidas Jones."
Hortense sighed.
All New Orleans grieved the untimely demise of Fitzhugh Billinghurst. He accidentally stabbed himself in the back while cleaning his loaded dice.
* * *
And so they were married.
Cap'n Alexander Jones took Hortense Honeycomb to Paris for their honeymoon. There they spent three glorious months putting wreaths on the grave of the unknown Eiffel Tower.
Hortense was happier than she had ever been before.
One fateful day in April Cap'n and Mrs. Jones were strolling on the left bank. Hortense chatted gayly about this here and that there. Alexander listened as if entranced.
A handsome carriage drawn by four dashing white horses clattered by. As they passed Hortense they began to come to a stop. A dashing
French nobleman stepped gracefully from the carnage.
Hortense sighed.
Few Parisians were sorry to hear of the untimely death of the American Cap'n Alexander Lucidas Jones. It was rumored that he had taken an overdose of arsenic.
* * *
Count Renee d' Artagnan and Countess Hortense spent their honeymoon in South Carolina. But it was not a happy time. The war drums were beating. The d-n yankees were getting mean again.
Just 'cause cute litte old P. G. T. Beauregard had stood for the rights of Southerners, the mean ole folks in Washington got mad.
One day, Hortense decided that her count would have to join the colors. Renee protested.
"But, darling, I am not an American. I can not fight for your cause."
Hortense sighed.
South Carolina was overjoyed at the brave deed of Countess Hortense. Everyone agreed that anyone who would not support our noble cause deserved to be shot.
Hortense Honeycomb sat on what was left of the wide, white veranda of what was formely Honeycomb plantation. Dressed in an old burlap sack of dirty brown, she was easily the ugliest hag in the South. In one hand was a mint julep and in the other was half a gin sling which was what a mint julep was worth these days. Her teeth were gone and her eyes looked like a road map.
Suddenly she heard the clatter of horses' feet. Another damn carpetbagger coming up the lane Hortense sighed as she picked up her dear ole pappy's shotgun.
In Vogue This Season
Mary Ann Coates strikes a pose against a huge urn as she models Jerry Parnis' geometric print voile that is collared an d cuffed in Irish linen. It's no secret that her skirt stands wid e because it is boosted out by not one, but three ruffly petticoats ! The dress is an exclusive in Miller & Rhoads Virginia Room . White linen opera pumps from the second floor Shoe Salon
No. 16••• THE FLYCATCHER
He's fast -he's smart -he covers ground -he's a real varsity outfielder! The 'quick-trick' cigarette mildness tests were almost too hot to handle, but he didn't make an error. He realized that cigarette mildness can't he judged in •slam-hang fashion. Millions of smokers throughout America know, too, there's a thorough way to judge cigarette mildness !
It's the sensible test ... the 30-Day Camel Mildness Test, which simply asks you to try Camels on a day-after-day, pack-after-pack basis. No snap judgments! Once you've tried Camels for 30 days in your "T-Zone" ( T for Throat, T for Taste), you'll see why ••
After all the Mildness Tests ...