Uncle Andy's Digest

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

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The Most Unusual Digest in America

NOVEMBER 2010

NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS! Licensed Helper Electrician 2-4 years experience required Apply in person

1200 Minot Ave., Auburn

783-7126

ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS OF MAINE ELECTRICAL CONTRACTORS

www.electricalsystemsofmaine.com

31 Blake St. Lewiston

782-7113 Call Dan Dumont for your FREE Estimate!

138 Main Street, South Paris 744-0290 • 1 800 686-7633 • www.creaserjewelers.com

LOOKING TO REFINANCE? Look No Further!

Fixed Rate

Loans

• Conventional • FHA • VA • MSHA • RD

Debbie Bodwell, Vice President NMLS# 280336

Residential Mortgage Service, Inc. 777.1551 181 Center St., Auburn • www.rmsmortgage.com • dbodwell@rmsmortgage.com

This is not a commitment to lend. Availability dependent upon approved credit and documentation level, acceptable appraisal, and market conditions.

Residential Mortgage Services, Inc. is a Maine Corporation Headquartered at 24 Christopher Toppi Drive, South Portland, ME 04106. ME License No. SLM2537

The Haircut

“When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.”

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, “I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.” The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, “I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.” The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, “I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.”

The congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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NOVEMBER 2010

783-7039

Okay, our instructors are not really kicking cats, but they are really good with pre-school age children. Our special Little Ninjas program is specifically designed to help teach 4 to 6-year-olds the important qualities of respect, self-control and confidence. Plus, they’ll learn great motor skills and coordination.

1st month $49.95 includes FREE uniform

FREE Anti-bully class for Kids Monday, Nov. 29th 4:30-5:15 or 5:30-6:15

MEMBER: NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF PROFESSIONAL MARTIAL ARTISTS

Pelletier’s Karate Academy I-35 Taylor Hill Road • Lewiston (1-1/2 miles past Marden’s) Email: pelledojo@aol.com • www.pelletierskarate.com

786-3731

“I told a girl she drew her eyebrows to high – she looked surprised.”

"I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief." – Gerry Spence

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA NOVEMBER 2010 Saturday, Nov. 6. Holy Cross KC Bean Supper (Chapter 12749). 607 Lisbon St, Lewiston. 4:00pm – 6:30pm. $5.50 per Member, $7.00 per Guest Thursday, Nov. 11 Lewiston Mandarin Restaurant (Chapter 8609). 750 Sabattus St, Lewiston. 11:00am – 1:00pm $5.00 per Member, $5.50 per Guest Sunday, Nov. 14 KC Breakfast (Chapter 7938) Columbus Drive, Brunswick 8:00am – 10:00am. $4.00 per Member, $5.00 per Guest. Child under 10 free Tuesday, Nov. 16 Luiggi’s (Chapter 10589) 67 Sabattus St, Lewiston 4pm – 7pm $4 per Mem, $4.50 per Guest Sunday, Nov. 21 KC Turkey Dinner (Chapter 12907) Our Lady of the Rosary Church, Maxwell Gill Hall, Sabattus Noon, $5 per Member, $6 per Guest Tuesday, Nov. 23 Center St Café BREAKFAST (Chapter 14346) 945 Center St. Auburn. 7:00am – 10.00am. $3.50 per Member, 4.50 per Guest Tuesday, Nov. 30 Pizza Hut Buffet (Chapter 14437) Center St, Auburn 4:00pm – 7:00pm $5.00 per Member, $6.00 per Guest.

Dates and Prices are subject to change Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Mon - Thurs from 9:00am - 4:00pm (excluding Holidays). FMI call 782-1833.

Auburn Office Activities Wednesday, Nov. 11-17, 11am-1pm Seniors Lunch and Learn. Pre-Planning for Funeral with Dana Chandler.

St. Louis Parish Hall-Basement, 80 Third St. Auburn, ME. $3.00 off Turkey Dinner Saturday, Nov. 11-22, 7am-9am, Georgio’s Breakfast Minot Ave, Auburn $2.50 off your menu choice Wednesday, Dec. 1, 11am-12pm Seniors Lunch and Learn. Maine Probate Wills and Trusts, with Richard Trafton.

St Louis Parish Hall-Basement, 80 Third St. Auburn. No Charge.

800-561-8506 Oxford/Auburn

Friday, Dec. 3, 7am-9am.

Polly’s Breakfast. 115 King, Oxford $2.50 off your menu choice.

Saturday, Dec. 4, 2:00pm The Public Theatre - A Very Ida Xmas.

31 Maple Street, Lewiston, ME. $11.00 Adults, $1.00 Children 18 and under.

Tickets must be picked up @ MWA 67 Minot Ave., Auburn, or you may call MonThur, 9:00am to 5:00pm; at 207-783-8804 or 1-800-561-8506

Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get. – Ray Kroc

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

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Uncle Andy’s Digest

A letter carrier's career is a mail-dominated profession.

MAILING ADDRESS:

PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 E-MAIL:

editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 FAX: 207

783-7039 777-3898

www.UncleAndys.com

NOVEMBER 2010

Staff UNCLE ANDY Casino YES

Quality Customized Denture Work FREE CONSULTATIONS Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

Affordable Dentures • Flexible Payment Plans • Credit/Debit Cards Most Dental Insurances Accepted

Smile Again Dentures 801 Webster Street, Lewiston

JIMBO The Eye in the Sky

Travis Dow The Dealer

514-0660 www.smileagaindentures.com smileagaindentures@gmail.com

Maggie Joyce

Joe & Mike Adkins

The Bookie Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I drive by again?

Marty Dow The Muscle

Michele Farrar The Entertainer

Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

Uncle Andy’s Digest is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world. Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212

Uncle Andy’s Digest is not responsible for typographical errors that may occur in advertisements.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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& Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010

783-7039

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu My cousins Ken & Heidi and my Aunt Rolande make the best crepés and omelettes around!

You gotta try them for yourself!!

Roxanne & Gary Blais of Sabattus

Pobody is nerfect!

87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 (for take-out) Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks! – Uncle Andy

Sandwich Perfection As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection.

A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny, (our sixweek-old son), while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard. And I had no napkin. I licked it off.

It was NOT mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine guys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

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Out & About at the 2010 celebrity softball game

Massachusetts: When a Catholic sneezes three times during the church service.

with Dan Cunliffe

What? Me a celebrity? Aww... thanks!

FOR YOUTH DEVELOPMENT FOR HEALTHY LIVING FOR SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY

ALL-INCLUSIVE MEMBERSHIP FITNESS CENTER GROUP EXERCISE CLASSES GYM USAGE • No Joiner Fees POOL USAGE • No Long-term Commitments FREE CHILD WATCH FAMILY ACTIVITIES SESSION 2 PROGRAMS Kids & Family Programs 18 mos. & up Messy Play, Little Chefs, Tumbling, Story Time Movement Youth Swim Lessons 6 mos. & up NEW Evening Water Aerobics BOOK THE Y (Swim & Gym) for your next Birthday Party Family Fun Night: Friday, Nov. 12th, 6-7pm SAVE THE DATE: Breakfast with Santa, Dec. 12th: 8-10am

AUBURN-LEWISTON YMCA 62 TURNER STREET, AUBURN (Next to the county building)

795-4095 • www.alymca.org Like the Auburn-Lewiston YMCA on Facebook!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

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NOVEMBER 2010

783-7039

“Everyone is entitled to my opinion.” – Uncle Andy

Out & About at the 2010 celebrity softball game

Be yourself...who else is better qualified?

Plenty of Parking!

777-1911 Open daily 11am – 9pm

with Dan Cunliffe

No way!

It can’t be...

It is!! It’s Uncle Andy!!!!!

On Sabattus St. & Sylvan Ave. Over 30 spaces!!

365 Sabattus St., Lewiston

Affordable! Really!

Three meals a day Plus snacks Weekly housekeeping - 24 hour call buttons Transportation to doctors appointments & shopping

All for $1,300 per month!

Openings Available Now! Call for a tour today!!

Ricky Henderson Don’t be messing with me Ricky... Uncle Andy would have called me first before making an appearance.

#433 Rt. 202, PO Box 629, Greene

946-3007 “Maine’s Most Affordable Senior Living Center”

www.mainemeadows.com

Bo Jackson

Fred Lynn Vowing to avoid poison ivy is making a rash promise.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

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Straight Shooter

"Failure is not reaching your goal, but in having no goal to reach." – Benjamin Mays

A group of golfers were telling tall stories. At last came a veteran's turn. "Well," he said, "I once drove a ball, accidentally of course, through a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on fire!"

"What did you do?" asked his friends.

"Oh," said the veteran, "I immediately teed up another ball, took careful aim, and hit the fire alarm on Main Street.

That brought out the fire engine before any major damage was done."

The Art of Distraction

In 1969, Elvis Presley released his final #1 single, Suspicious Minds.

The greatest efforts in sports came when the mind is as still as a glass lake.

– Timothy Gallwey

Go Cruisin’ on the Caribbean February 27 to March 5, 2011 14 year old Scott Sleeper

aboard the as e S e h t f o e c n a i Rad

Radiance of the Seas is a classy, savvy lady. She incorporates the best features of her predecessors: the variety of activity and entertainment options of the Voyager class (like rock climbing), the sleek profile of the Sovereign class, and the global itineraries and wealth of windows, glass doors and canopies of the Vision class.

Pricing includes: • Roundtrip air from Portland to Tampa • Pre-night Tampa • 5 night cruise on board the beautiful Radiance of the Seas • Shipboard gratuities • All port charges and taxes • All transfers SHIP HIGHLIGHTS: Rock-climbing wall • Many restaurants • Themed bars and lounges • Casino RoyaleSM • The Colony Club, a unique British colonial-style lounge with self-leveling pool tables African safari-themed Solarium • Indoor/outdoor country club with golf simulator Adventure Ocean® youth facilities • Day Spa and Fitness Center Sports court with basketball/volleyball court

Special pricing secured for fans of Uncle Andy’s Digest!

Pricing starts at:

Inside cabin $1224 per person Oceanview cabin $1324 per person Balcony $1414 per person Prices are based on double occupancy.

3rd & 4th person available upon request

Call for itinerary info For more information or to reserve your space contact:

250 Center Street, Auburn 784-2916 or 1-800-879-3823 or email: tcarpentier@dubetravel.com "Every man should have a college education in order to show him how little the thing is really worth." – Elbert Hubbard

and his story of shooting his 12 point, 245 pound whitetail buck: The very first day of youth hunting, Oct 23, my Dad and I took off to go hunting. We got up at 5:45 am to go for a long day of hunting. As we were walking and I was loading my .308 Savage we had no idea what a great surprise was in store for us. We were walking up a small tote road heading to our favorite hunting spot and right before our eyes stood a large buck and a large doe eating acorns. I could not see the bucks rack and little did I know only 90 yards away was a buck of a lifetime. I raised my rifle and peered through the scope, seeing the full reality of just how big this buck was. When I saw how massive this buck was my heart started beating and I felt it would jump out of my chest. I tried to stay steady but I was too excited and was shaking. I waited for the buck to put his head down. As I steadied my weapon I waited for the deer to present the perfect shot. As he turned quartering away I took one last breath and slowly squeezed the trigger. A single perfect shot, dropping the buck right in his tracks. I had done it, I had done what most hunter's never get the chance to do. The buck was: 12 points, 245 pound field dressed, 20 1/4” spread on the inside 26” main beams & 10 1/2” G2 tines.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

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"To make mistakes is human; to stumble is commonplace; to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity."

– William A. Ward

Eye Exams & Contact Lenses!

Order Holiday Pies Now! Many types… call FMI! Christmas Trees & Wreaths arriving Nov. 26th • Fresh Squash for Thanksgiving • Farm Cheese • Smiling Hill Farms Egg Nog ...and more!

72 Lisbon St., in Lisbon

Special Delivery It was 6pm, and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.

& Farm Stand EBT Accepted

for the whole family

Auburn Mall Eye Care 550 Center Street, Auburn (inside the Auburn Mall)

Open 7 Days a Week 9am-5pm

Uncle Andy patents his new hedge trimmer invention...

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

10 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

DR. MICHAEL METAYER, O.D.

...and his hot tub

AUDI & VW SALES & SERVICE

"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."

The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" She shrieked, "come quick!

It's the stork!"

(207) 782-5030

SNOW TIRES

ON SALE NOW! 1164 Minot Ave., Auburn • 753-9810

Conner Boulay

dealerworxautosales.com

"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good." – Samuel Johnson

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

Out & About at the 2010 celebrity softball game

Diamond Snowplows

with Dan Cunliffe

Morrison & Sylvester, Inc. Jennie Finch

1175 Minot Ave. • Auburn, ME 04210 207-783-8548 • www.morrisontruck.net

Children are natural mimics - they act like us in spite of all our attempts to teach them good manners.

I can throw a pitch as fast as you can drop your Diamond plow during a snow storm. Do you see what I’m looking at?

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 11

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'

– Sydney J. Harris

www.emerso

The Back Forty No

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

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& Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

As long as youre going to be thinking anyway, THINK BIG. – Donald Trump

"Genius is the ability to put into effect what is on your mind." – F. Scott Fitzgerald

ontoyota.com

ovember Specials

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but he turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 13

Trouble is usually produced by those who do not produce anything else.

Quality Service at an Affordable Price!

• Diagnostic Specialists • State Inspections • Much, much • Tires & Tire Service more!

• Full Brake Service • Complete A/C Service • Alignments

We make owning Audi, VW, BMW’s & Mercedes more affordable!

Rick

Ron

Jeremy

Joshua

Don Gilks

Owner

Adv. Master Tech

Technician

Technician

Operations Manager

NEW MAJOR AUTOMOTIVE 250 Broad Street in New Auburn • 783-4933 • www.majorauto.net

Aircraft crashes into 4 buildings

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Submitted by Gene Couillard

Brace yourself before looking at the image below. A pilot at low level had lost control of his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the airshow and slams into four buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

14 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

OUT ʻN ABOUT WITH MIAMI MIKE Good day digesters! A warm hello from your Miami Mike! Fall is upon us and as apparent as it may be to you with the foliage and football, down this far south it’s a bit of a different story. Here in South Florida the weather hardly ever changes and when it does, it changes from scorching hot which will have you sweating through your shirt in around 26.03 seconds to, I feel sticky ‘o so sticky which will take you a bit longer to sweat through your shirt. Either way, by the end of any period in this weather, you’ll assuredly smell like last month’s leftovers that you just found in the back corner of the fridge. It really hit me that it was fall because I just received my Florida Panther’s season tickets and I also watched the Yankees LOSE in the American League Championship. Priceless, I know. What really sent the message to me though was when I was taking a stroll through a local store and saw Christmas decorations and winter jackets. Jackets in Florida, are you serious? But wait it gets better, I found a diamond in the rough; a fake fireplace that looks like it is burning but blows out cool air. I told my old man and he was as befuddled as could be but told me he was thinking of checking with Bryant Energy in Mechanic Falls for their wood pellets. He said that using pellets would be a green form of heating the house. I’m not a rocket scientist, digesters, but the old man is full of it…those pellets are not green at all they’re more of a brownish, tan color. He also said he went to Electrical Systems of Maine to check out their whole home generators incase the powa goes out. Either way I will not be in need of any heat this winter, but you digesters should look into it. Hasta la next issue Digesters!

The family fireside is the best of schools. – Arnold Glasgow

"If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles." – Doug Larson

Top 6 reasons to choose Mike Morin’s

The Farmer’s • Expert service & highest quality Almanac predicts a very cold winter...

• Accurate diagnosis of problems Get your FREE • Fair & honest quotes winterization • Great customer service check here!

• Full service garage, no problem too big or too small

If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should sniff some Windex first. It'll keep you from streaking.

Submitted by Gene Couillard

• Best of the best 10 years running for automotive service

*Editors note: Don’t really sniff Windex... this is a just a joke people

FOR SALE AT MIKE MORIN’S 2006 Harley-Davidson Ultra Classic

ONLY $18,500 Cobalt blue & silver, air ride seat, GPS, AM/FM stereo, extra chrome, 2 windshields

Complimentary Coffee & Donuts while you wait • FREE Shuttle Service In L/A

Mike Morin’s Auto Center 1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433 “A proud member of the Napa Auto Care Team.”

Dogginʼ The Market Uncle Andy was having reasonable success playing the stock market when Marty expressed a desire to give it a try.

Uncle Andy advised him on what stocks to buy, what to stay clear of, etc. In his list of "pointers" was the fact that Marty should invest only small sums.

But Marty threw caution to the wind and six months later, sent an email to Uncle Andy. It said, "So much for your pointers. Now, send me some retrievers!"

VW & AUDI SERVICE Lifetime Warranty • Free Estimates Free Pickup and Delivery

See us for Timing Belt & Brake Specials 459 Washington Street in Auburn • 878-9088 • www.rennen.us

Polynesia - memory loss in parrots.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 15

Out & About at the Biometric Fingerprinting event hosted by the Fontaine Family Team What a great turn out for our Biometric Fingerprinting event. We tried to get Uncle Andy fingerprinted... he said something about already being on file.

Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children.

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC. FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED FOR 26 YEARS • Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections • Exhaust systems

OUR TIRES

Rod & Beth Cameron, owners Brenda & Claude Fontaine

60 Minot Ave • Auburn, ME 04210

782-6666 or 783-2026

A PROUD MEMBER OF THE NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM

Oh, Uncle Andy is here?

Quotations are sometimes valuable pearls, but original thoughts can be priceless treasure.

I thought they said I’d be the only clown here...

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

16 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

Real generosity is doing something nice for someone who will never find out.

Jeremy Pelletier

733 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • 777-0047

www.laautocompany.com

* 3.2L Engine • Automatic • Leather

• AWD • 70K

$

• V6 • VTEC • 86K

18,488

2006 Chrysler Sebring

• Touring Edition • Keyless • Automatic Entry • 77K

11

12

$

8

• 75 K • Automatic • CD Player • 38MPG

6,988 1

|||||||||| |||| ||||||||||||| |||||||||| |||||||||| ||||

10 11 7

6

• Leather • Automatic • Loaded

$

13,588

• Rear DVD • Sunroof • Automatic

2007 Honda Civic LX

10 MOTOR VEHICLE 2 9

2004 Nissan Titan

2006 Honda Accord EX

2005 Audi A6

5

3 4

$

10,988

Jim Piper

• Leather • 96K

$

16,988

2006 Volvo S40 T5

• Turbo • 56K

• Automatic • ABS

$

13,988

Servicing All Makes & Models Maine State Inspection Station

Derrick Raymond

Larry Masse

Jerry Dionne

FREE INSPECTION STICKER* *Must present ad. Vehicle must meet Maine State Inspection Requirements before receiving sticker.

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

Out & About at the Biometric Fingerprinting event hosted by the Fontaine Family Team

AMES AMES Littlefield Road • Auburn • 782-4917 SPORTS SHOP SHOP (off 84Hotel SPORTS Road & across from Merrow Road)

Biblical Endorsements What if Biblical characters could be recruited as product endorsers?

Something is telling me I should use that coupon in the ad next to us...

For Match.com Noah: "We can find a mate for anything. Why not you?"

For Excedrin Moses: "Take two tablets and call me in the morning."

For Dell Adam and Eve: "No Apples for us.

We learned the hard way."

For AARP Methuselah: "Life begins at 960!"

Some people have a way with words, others not have way.

UNCLE ANDY’S SPECIAL

$ It’s a good deal, mom! Even a kid can see that...

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

18 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

3 OFF

Expires 12/30/10

Coupon Code: UANDY

STAR SERVICE OIL CHANGE Star Service Price is $29.95, up to 5 qts. Havoline Motor Oil (5w20, 5w30 or 10w30), Havoline Oil Filter, 18-20 point check, 4x4's add $1, plus taxes and fee.

The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.

– William Faulkner

"A man would do nothing if he waited until he could do it so well that no one would find fault with what he has done."

– Cardinal Newman

www.MandPautosales.com

2007 Chevy Equinox

2003 Chevy Trailblazer

2002 Ford F350

90k, AWD, Loaded, Leather

4x4, 3rd seat, Loaded, 75k

Superduty, V8, Auto, 110k, 8’ Fisher plow

$

11,800

$

8,995

$

12,000

2007 Pontiac Grand Prix, 62k, silver, sharp car, aluminum wheels . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8,995 2006 Dodge Caravan, 40k, runs good . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8,500 2005 Chevy Cobalt, 87k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,995 2004 Chevy 2400 HD, Extended Cab, 4WD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$13,500 2002 Ford F350 Superduty, 109k, Auto, 8 ft. Minute Mount Plow . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$12,000 2002 Chevy Silverado, 4X4, Extended Cab . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8,500 1999 F350 Superduty, 230K, 7.3 Diesel, Previous Ambulance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$4,500 1994 Chevy Rack Body, 2WD, 6.5 Diesel, 87K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$8,500

M & P AUTO SALES Roosevelt Trail, North Windham • Call Scott Rioux at 892-0932 or 754-4867 Bumper sticker on Wall Street: My other Porsche is for sale.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 19

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

Stormy Ride Submitted by Maggie Joyce

Uncle Andy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

November Special

2005 Honda Civic, 60K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7,495 2003 Volkswagen Jetta . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,995 2003 Volkswagen Jetta 1 Owner . . . . . . . .$4,995 2002 Volkswagen Jetta, 1 Owner, 50K . . .$6,495 2001 Volkswagen Jetta . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,495 2001 Audi A4, 2 to choose from . . . . . .$4,995/up

Suddenly he saw a car coming toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, Uncle Andy got into the back seat, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel!

The car starts slowly; Uncle Andy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray begging for his life.

He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel. Uncle Andy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time right before a curve.

Gathering his strength, Uncle Andy jumps out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a restaurant and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realize he was serious.

About half an hour later, two guys walked in the same restaurant. They looked around for a table when one said to the other, "Look John, that's the goober who got in the car when we were pushing it."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

20 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

2000 Volkswagen Golf, 1 Owner . . . . . . . .$4,995

$15,900

1999 Saab . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$3,495

2004 TOYOTA TACOMA 4x4, 41K

2006 FORD RANGER XLT

2007 GMC SIERRA

One Owner

One Owner

Extended Cab, Black, 80K

4x4

$12,995 2007 VW JETTA

One Owner Wolfsburg Edition

$10,995 2007 FORD F150

One Owner 4x4

$12,995

Realal e D AUTO $15,900

SALES 275 Washington Ave • Auburn

784-5114

DUKE & KEVIN 2005 CHEVY TRAIL BLAZER LS 61K

BLOW OUT SPECIAL

$10,995

$100 OFF Select Vehicles with coupon Expires 11/30/10

www.realdealmaine.com A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world: everyone you meet is your mirror. – Ken Keyes Jr.

Self-trust is the first secret of success. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Out & About at the Biometric Fingerprinting event hosted by the Fontaine Family Team

Rockin’ Against Cancer Saturday, November 13th, 2010

Lewiston Elks Lodge 5:00-6:30 Spaghetti Dinner 7pm-Midnight Live Music

This is one very important event

Bands to perform: FDX Band Stevie, Remo & Todd Ray Arsenault Steve Grenier & Dennis Boudreau

R AFF LE S G I VEAW AYS 50-50’ S ALL N IG HT Michelle Gosselin Kase-ing the place

All Star Finale Jam with special guests

Wow! What an event!!

For more information call: Cheryl: 577-7812 • Ray 576-7767 • Linda 577-3849 Or call the Elks Lodge: 784-4801

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." – Pablo Picasso

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 21

Teamwork means not having to shoulder all the blame yourself.

Expert Volvo Repair and Complete Volvo Service!

GOT HEAT?? FREE Pre-winter Checkup With Ad

FOREIGN CAR SERVICE CO. 140 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 782-9300 VolvoSpecialist.net • Dave Sheloske, Owner

Surgeon Roast Harry hosted a dinner party. One of his guests was a surgeon.

While deftly carving the roast, Harry kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, Doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"

When Harry had finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up:

EXPERIENCED QUALITY SERVICE QUALITY REPAIRS SINCE 1979 CARS • LT. TRUCKS • SUVs – We service them all We perform manufacturer’s vehicle maintenance and scheduled services • Transmission Flushes

• Chassis, alignment

• Fuel systems

• Shocks, struts

• Engine performance

• And more!

• Brakes, exhaust

• State Inspection

Maineʼs AAA Approved Repair Facility since 1990!

HORSEPOWER AUTOCARE, INC. 44 Roosevelt Trail, Rt. 302 • Windham • 892-9420 • 1-800-339-9420 Monday - Friday 8am-5pm • www.horsepowerautocare.com

Bob & Bonnie Merrill, owners

When Neil Armstrong and Edwin 'Buzz' Aldrin sat down to eat their first meal on

"Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together again."

the moon, their foil food packets contained roasted turkey and all of the trimmings.

Any Make, Any Model Any Problem…

Full recons available. Call for an appointment

NO PROBLEM!

$

55/hr. LABOR RATE Fully Warranteed & Certified

Steve Dubois Owner

865 Sabattus Street, Lewiston 333-3004

liquidsunshinecarwash.com

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

22 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

Brad Johnson

Brad’s Precision Auto 333-0364 144 Riverside Dr., Auburn

Live as if Christ died yesterday, arose this morning, and is coming back tomorrow.

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

Out & About at the Biometric Fingerprinting event hosted by the Fontaine Family Team

10% OFF with this ad

Complete Auto & Truck Repair • Transmission Flush • State Inspections • Complete Front End Work • Tune-ups

• Front End Alignments • Engine Diagnostics • Custom Exhaust • Tires, Batteries

207-657-5000

35 Lewiston Rd. • Gray, ME 04039

Out & About at the Dempsey Challenge with Team Gonya

Ron Moon, Manager

We’ve got the eye of the tiger...

Kids Fun Run Finalists Peyton & Paige Gonya

This is truly an uplifting moment!

Claude Fontaine

A-PLUS AUTO REPAIR At A-Plus Auto… we are there for you!

• Brake Pads & Rotors • Computer Diagnostics • Wiper Replacement • Exhausts • Coming Soon • Tires Maine State • Radiator Flushes Inspection Station • Shocks & Struts

I just got fingerprinted.

Thank you Fontaine Team!

Why did they let the turkey join the band?

786-0522 41 Millett Drive, Auburn Located in the former Hebert’s Auto Building

Chance

"Don't be pushed by your problems. Be led by your dreams." – Anonymous

Because he had the drumsticks.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 23

Family Perspective

"Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless."

– Thomas Edison

Submitted by Jimbo

Swim-a-thon!

You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words: "Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885.

Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."

Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit.

We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image, and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.

Next, we rewrite the text: "Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

24 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

Swim to help save the YWCA of Central Maine.

Help us sustain our vital community programs for another 130 years.

Modern Woodmen of America is one of our local supporters!

If the YWCA can raise $2,500 they will match us $2,500!! Please support our swimmers.

Every pledge counts!

All proceeds will go to the YWCA campaign to pay off their vendors, mortgage and help to make our building energy efficient. Our community depends on the YWCA pool for exercise, therapy, learning to swim and competitive swimming.

Please help keep the YWCA of central Maine open, not only for our community, but for all of the surrounding communities.

Dick Courtemanche of Modern Woodmen

Where: YWCA, 130 East Avenue, Lewiston When: Saturday, November 27th 10am - 2pm Pledge sheets will be available at the YWCA for anyone interested in participating with our fundraiser. Swimmers will collect donations or sponsors for each lap they swim.

WE ALSO NEED VOLUNTEERS: Lap counters & Selling concessions

FMI: Call the YWCA @ 795-4050 Honk if you love peace and quiet.

COMMITTED! Congratulations

Kayla Marston & Andy Jarman who got committed (married) on Halloween, October 31, 2010

Best of luck on your life sentence!

Do not free a camel of the burden of his hump; you may be freeing him from being a camel. – G.K. Chesterton

(continued from previous page)

"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight." – Phyllis Diller

Classic Car Rebuilds, Restorations & Service • Brake Service • Custom Exhaust • Shocks & Struts • Used Car Sales • Tires • Tune-ups • Rust Repair & Body Work • Engine Overhauls • Transmission Overhauls • Custom Paint • Motorcycle Tanks & Fenders • Restorations & Rebuilds

Bring your classic car to...

THE SHOP

304 Lisbon Road • Lisbon

353-6100

Adversity can be a great motivator. – Bill Walsh

SEE US FOR YOUR SNOWMOBILE LOAN • Low Rates • Fast Approval • Great Terms

His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.

"Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

Driving Hygiene I tell you, men drivers are a hazard to traffic.

Driving to work this morning on Interstate 95, I looked over to my left and there's this man in a Mustang doing 95 miles per hour with his face up next to his rear view mirror.... shaving!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back, he's halfway over in my lane.

It scared me so bad I almost dropped my eye liner pencil in my coffee.

Angels fly because they take themselves lightly. – Jean Coctea

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 25

Out & About at the Biometric Fingerprinting event hosted by the Fontaine Family Team

“It's okay to have nothing to say...unless you're talking.”

Get in now! The rush is already starting!

Remotes starting at This fingerprinting event was great, Mommy.

Can we get a remote starter at Sound Effects now? Warming up the car before we get in would be pretty sweet...

$

159

• We do Manual Transmissions • Heated Seats We sure enjoyed being part of the Fontaine Team for a day!

777-3339 • 625 Washington St., Auburn

www.soundeffectsmaine.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

26 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

I never look back, I look forward. – Steffi Graf

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." – Gene Hill

Give Back with L-A Harley Coats For Kids!

Join the L-A Harley Family Friday, Dec. 10th at Lost Valley Ski Area in Auburn 200 Lost Valley Road, off Young’s Corner Rd. 2 Ban ds!

L-A Harley Band & The Broad Street Band FMI Call 786-2822 Also join us for our November

at Schemengee’s Billiards

"That's quite all right," the woman replied.

"You look just like my fourth husband."

"Wow!" he said. "How many times have you been married?"

She winked at him and said, "Three."

My kids love going on the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long.

Admission $5 at the door, or donation of a kid’s winter coat

t h g i N e k Bi

Bumping into a woman on the sidewalk, the Tom Cruise look-alike apologized, "Pardon me!"

h the Live Music wit nd L-A Harley Baunt H i & The Nikk Band

551 Lincoln St. in Lewiston

Wednesday, Nov. 24th @ 8:00pm

839 Main Street, Lewiston • 786-2822 • WWW.L-AHARLEY.COM

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

The Inner Working of Uncle Andyʼs Mind “A bus station is where a bus stops, a train station is where a train stops and on my desk I have a work station...”

"The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well."

Hours: Mon.-Fri. 9AM-6PM; Sat. 9AM-5PM; Sunday - GONE RIDINʼ

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Joy is the simplest form of gratitude. – Karl Barth

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 27

Out & About at ABC Pools Customer Appreciation Day

"Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, simplify."

– Henry David Thoreau

As founder of ABC Pools, I'm happy to know that my children & grandchildren will continue the ABC Pool tradition of putting our customers first and helping them with their needs for many years to come, we will always take care of our customers!

Andrew, Clarence & Greg Letourneau of ABC Pools

Two Satisfied Customers

Rob Tom

We may be joking right now, but we're serious when it comes to helping maintain your pool and spa. We also sell & service above ground pools and a have a nice selection of spas in stock, as well as numerous extras for your pool and spa. Stop by & browse our showroom at 1975 Lisbon Street in Lewiston today.

When George & I were kids we swam at a pool that had a sign, welcome to our _ool, notice there's no ‘p’ in it... we'd like to keep it that way"

To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles, visit our website

Steve Arsenault & George Raymond with his good friend, Bubbles the pool warming fish Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

28 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

www.donovansauto.com 946-7515 • 1-800-811-8856

In 1868, the first volume of Little Women by Louisa May Alcott was published.

Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.

– Mother Teresa

Locally owned & operated

Theriault joins Cut Loose Hair Designs

We’re Celebrating Our 3rd Anniversary! ays Drawings & Giveaw All Month Long!

GRAND PRIZE DRAWING FOR

FREE PARTY PLATTER Feeds up to 20 people

ENTER OUR WEEKLY DRAWINGS for Maineiacs Tickets Over 10 pairs given away each week!

November Special

$

1 OFF

Coney Island Reuben includes choice of potato salad, cole slaw or chips

600 Turner Street, Auburn (Across from TGI Fridayʼs)

784-3434 • www.heidisauburn.com

HOURS: Mon.-Sat. 7am-9pm Sun. 10am-8pm

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." – Bill Watterson

Lost Valley Presents…

Wine Tasting Dinner Appetizer: Jumbo Shrimp Cocktail • Salad: Green Leaf Salad with house dressings • Entrée: Petit Filet with merchant divan sauce (and) Haddock Fromage with white dill Hararti, sugar snap peas & vegetable rice pilaf • Dessert: Chocolate Mousse *Each course is paired with a complimenting fine wine.

Cost: $39.95 plus tax and gratuity.

Group tables available upon request (8-10) persons.

All proceeds to benefit the Lost Valley Special Needs Scholarship Program

If I have seen farther than other men it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.

– Isaac Newton

Katie Theriault of Auburn has recently joined the team of stylists at Cut Loose Hair Designs located at 1220 Sabattus St in Lewiston.

Katie specializes in colors and foils and is also great at cuts, perms & styling. She looks forward to helping all friends, family and new clients in achieving their ideal hair styles. To make an appointment with Katie, call Cut Loose Hair Designs today at 784-0606.

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animalshaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

"What are you doing?" his Mom asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 29

The Chicken or the Egg

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES: Child's stool great for use in garden

The food in China can be a challenge for newcomers. One example is that chicken is often served "cleaver style," leaving the meat and bones chopped up together, making it difficult to eat.

Years ago, I went with a group of newcomers to a nice hotel to eat some hamburgers and normal Western food.

One lady in our group, Marie, wanted to eat chicken without needing to spit out the bones, so she ordered "boneless chicken."

The waiter, whose English was quite good, could not imagine what Marie wanted.

She was very insistent, saying, "I want boneless chicken. Chicken with no bones!"

After more confusion and more insisting, the waiter finally said he understood, wrote something down, and returned to the kitchen.

After about 15 minutes, our orders started coming out to the table.

Marie's food was the last to arrive, and when the poor waiter placed her dish in front of her, we all laughed out loud. It was a plate of fried eggs.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

30 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES: Buffalo Swept Off Feet By Choir

If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.

Out & About at the Biometric Fingerprinting event hosted by the Fontaine Family Team

We’ve updated our fleet to better serve you!

• We service your local dealers Lee Auto Mall • Rowe Ford • All Motor Clubs • We service local and state police • We do not do repos or private parking lot towing!

24/7 WRECKER SERVICE

DON’S One coupon per customer

NO PREFERENCE

My future is so bright I need...

TOWING CO. OF L/A 940 Washington St. • Auburn

784-4619 WE TOW ANYTHING!

Established in 1984

Ask for Don or Debbie

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES: Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 31

WINTER IS COMING! Remote Car Starters Stereos • Speakers • Amps Auto/Truck/SUV Accessories Car Alarms Leather Seats and Heated Seats Navigation Systems Window Tinting Satellite Radio • Mobile Video Bluetooth Hands Free GPS Systems

Remote Car Starters starting at $159

1009 Center St. Auburn • 333-3390 • Fax 333-3000

✁

✃

FREE T-Shirt FREE Sweatshirt

with $100 purchase

with $300 purchase

with this ad / or mention Uncle Andy’s Digest

Expires 11/30/10

2006 Ford Escape XLT Hybrid Model, 30 MPG, All power options

$11,200

2004 Nissan Titan SE Crew Cab, 97K, Endurance Package

$14,900

We have over 40 quality pre-owned vehicles available now!

Ray Berube, owner Find us on Facebook

Monday - Thursday 8-6 Friday 8-5 • Saturday 9-2

Out & About at the Biometric Fingerprinting event hosted by the Fontaine Family Team

I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say it's just a pigment of their imagination.

2001 BMW 330xi

2004 Audi A4

$

10,995 $12,995

AWD, Automatic, Leather, 81k

Automatic, 56K

2002 Volvo S60

2004 Nissan Murano SL

$

7,495

$

12,495

17” Wheels, New Tires, AWD

AWD

Other Inventory 05 Audi Ültra Sport, RARE, 75K, Auto . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$14,500 04 Volvo XC90, AWD, Navigation, 3rd Rw . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$12,995 04 Suzuki XL7, 89k . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$7,995 04 Hyundai Elantra GLS, 88K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,295 04 Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited, V8, AWD, Leather, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . .$8,496 03 Saab 9-3 Convertible, 5-Spd, Leather, 88K, 1-Owner . . . . . WINTER . . . . . BLOWOUT! . . . . . . . .$6,995 02 Subaru Legacy Wagon, 5-Speed, AWD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,295 02 Volvo S60, Auto, Loaded, Leather . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$6,495 02 Hyundai Accent . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$2,995 02 Chevy Cavalier, 76K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$4,495 01 Audi A4, Automatic, Like New . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,795 01 Saab 9-5 Aero, Loaded, Turbo . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$4,495 01 Nissan Pathfinder . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,99 01 Volvo S60 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,995 01 VW Jetta GLS VR6 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$4,995 01 Audi A4, 1.8T, Auto, 18” Wheels . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,995 01 Audi A4 Sport, 2.8L, 5-Speed, New Timing Belt, 96K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .6,995 01 Audi A4 Wagon, 5-Speed, Leather, Loaded, AWD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,495 01 Audi A6 Wagon, 3rd Row Seat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,995 01 BMW 330xi AWD, Leather, 87K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10,995 01 Saab 9-3, Leather, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$4,495 01 Ford Focus, 4-Door, 108K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$4,495 01 Ford F250, Low Miles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Call for price 00 VW Passat GLX, VR6, 5-Speed, Leather, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,495 00 VW Jetta . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$4,995 00 Jeep Cherokee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,995 99 Audi A4, Black, AWD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$4,995 99 Saab 9-3 Convertible, 108K . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$3,995

What do you get after eating way too much turkey and dressing?

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

34 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

Tim Bellmore

INDEPENDENTAuto Scott McFarren & Tim Bellmore

Dessert, of course!

99 Audi A4 1.8T, parts car . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Call for price 99 Audi A4 2.8T Wagon, parts car . . . . . . . . . . .Call for price 98 Audi A4, Loaded . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$3,995 97 Acura CL Coupe . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$1,995 97 Audi A6 Quattro Wagon, Auto . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$2,995 97 Audi A6 Wagon, parts car . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Call for price 96 BMW M3, 5-Speed, 128k, AS IS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5,000 Volvo 17” Gunmetal Gray Rims . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$500 Mille Miglia 18” Rims . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$500 New Wheel & Tire Packages . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Call for pricing

1298 Sabattus St. Lewiston

786-7744

The mouse is the most common mammal in the U.S.

"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies, for the hardest victory is over self." – Aristotle

Count Me In An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"What are you selling, young man?" he asked.

"I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm the census taker."

"A what?" the man asked.

"A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States."

"Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me; I have no idea."

The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library, so when the librarian saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.

"I have to read a play

by Shakespeare," he said.

"Which one?" she asked.

Still scanning the shelves, he answered, "William."

What are unhappy cranberries called?

Blueberries!

"It wasn't until late in life that I discovered how easy it is to say 'I don't know'." – W. Somerset Maugham

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 35

Out & About at the Biometric Fingerprinting event hosted by the Fontaine Family Team I wonder if Sure Start would trade me a remote starter for this apple?

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

with a remote starter Starting at $149 Installed

Ask about starting your vehicle from your Smartphone

Lifetime Guarantee

Sabattus St. Lewiston

754-7873 For a whole apple, possibly. A half eaten apple, good luck!

Flight Plan

"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.

Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.

She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane. So she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"

Clones are people two.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

36 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

THURSDAYS Line Dancing Lessons 6pm Karaoke 8pm Beer Pong Sign-ups 9pm

Action-packed Thursdays with DJ B-Set at 9:30pm

FRIDAYS

SATURDAYS

LADIES Night Drink Specials

DJ & your favorites in Tribute Bands, Comedy Acts & More!

DJ & Live Local Entertainment

ENTERTAINMENT LINE-UP

FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS ALWAYS A DJ IN THE PUB !

Sat. Nov. 6th BACK IN BLACK - AC/DC Tribute Band (see below FMI) Fri. Nov. 12th Wayne Nichols Rock Against Cancer 4pm-close • 5 Bands • Food • Door Prizes Sat. Nov. 13th Boyz Gone Wild Fri. Nov. 19th Tommy’s Feral Feline & Friends Benefit 8pm-1am • $10 at door Sat. Nov. 20th Uncle Jack & Special Guest (see below FMI) Fri. Nov. 26th Bad Magic - Godsmack & Nickelback Tribute Sat. Nov. 27th 3rd Annual Eyebrow Entertainment Thanksgiving Bash - Performances by Sandbag, Luch & Eliza and more Fri. Dec. 4th Twyce Shy - 80’s Hair Band

UNCLE JACK CD Release Show Sat. Nov. 20th

$

Saturday, Nov. 6th

BACK IN BLACK AC/DC Tribute Band

Starts at 6:30pm

Every Friday night!

$10 at the door Call to reserve your table

784-7785

Tickets

10 advance $ 12 door

Call Club Texas at 784-7785 With Special Guest Appearances by: Twisted Root • Ascent to Power Beyond the Fall • Chris Cathode • Spawn of Man

150 Center St. Auburn • 784-7785 • ClubTexas.info

Top Ten Signs That You Are Webbed Out

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

10. Your opening line is, "So what's your home page address?"

9. Your best friend is someone you've never met.

8. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half expect to see "Best viewed in Firefox" on one of the clouds.

7. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter a Web page with no links.

6. You feel driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.

5. You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on puddle, sending your car careening toward the flimsy guard rail that separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death. You look for the "Back" button.

4. You visit "The Really Big Button that Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.

3. Your dog has his own Web page.

2. So does your hamster. (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

38 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

"It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change." – Charles Darwin

“Love and time; those are the only two things in all the world and all of life that cannot be bought, but only spent.”

– Gary Jennings

Student of the Month

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Now accepting students Learn to play THE RIGHT WAY

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Mention this ad and your first drum lesson is FREE*

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Camden Martin w/ Dick Demers

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DICK DEMERS SCHOOL OF DRUMMING

966 Minot Ave. • Auburn • 786-0005

25 Mary Street, Lewiston • 786-6861 • dickdemersdrums@hotmail.com

(continued from previous page)

November Specials

... and the No. 1 sign that you have overdosed on the WWW:

Introductory ent Massage Keratin Treatm

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Free Extension Consultation

Hair © Nails © Massage Hair Studio

www.shearmadnesshair-studio.com 1117 Center Street, Auburn • 782-3848

I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole!

"Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands from shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot of coffee?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

GIVE THE GIFT OF MUSIC! We also sell and service all types of instruments Offering lessons in: • Guitar

• Piano • Banjo • Music theory

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• Bass • Mandolin • Brass & woodwinds

Main St. Music Lessons & Instrument Repair

376-3376

134 Main Street, Auburn www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com

"The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook." – William James

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 39

Buffaloed

Two little words that can make the difference: START NOW. – Mary C. Crowley

Submitted by Jimbo

Back in the 1960s, one animal rights group was outraged that open season had been declared on the great American buffalo to help thin the herd in and near some of our national parks. They began herding the buffalo (by helicopter) into holding pens. The buffalo would then be loaded onto railroad cars and shipped to places where there were no buffalo.

One very smart buffalo named Gus decided that the holding pen was not the place for him, so he staged a mutiny.

Gus and ten of his fellow buffalo decided to make a break for it.

They burst the gate of the holding pen and were free at last.

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Early the next morning, they heard the sound of helicopters, so they hid. Deciding it was too dangerous to stay in the park area, they headed south, toward Dallas, Texas. Grazing was not so good, so they came on farther south toward Houston.

While at the Johnson Space Center, they learned about Cape Canaveral. The pictures were great: plenty of water, plenty of grass, and no heli(continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

40 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

200 Auburn Road in Turner • 225-2694 • 4 miles north of Auto Mile

www.kryauto.com "My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.

That's almost $7.00 in dog money." – Joe Weinstein

Experience is what allows us to repeat our mistakes, only with more finesse!

– Derwood Fincher

Happy Thanksgiving

Don’t be a turkey.

This holiday season is a great time to get or give a salt water tank!

Marine Fish • Coral • Supplies •

272 South Main St. Auburn • www.deepseacreations.com • 1-888-782-4372 • 782-4372

Come in out of the COLD We have inside seating!

Breakfast: Enjoy a fresh Green Mountain Coffee & 1st donut is 1/2 price

Celebrate Thanksgiving with a UFO (Nov. 20-26 only)

$

(Reg. $5.80)

5

Closed Thanksgiving

• Breakfast Sandwiches • Breakfast Pizza gobble, gobble

Lunch:

Hot Soup & Salad Weekly Specials

740 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-2981 Hours: Mon-Sun 5am-9pm • www.mygeorgios.com

ATTENTION BUSINESS & COMMERCIAL PROPERTY OWNERS We’re budget friendly and offer free estimates!

Go Green! All Natural Cleaning Products

Be Clean & Be GREEN!

www.KandLGreenClean.com

K+L GREEN CLEAN, INC 577-8725 "Helping the environment one job at a time"

OWNERS: KRISTIE MORIN & LAUREN SIMPSON Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

(continued from previous page)

copters. Gus and his friends headed for Florida.

They found the Cape and grazed to their hearts' content each day. As they grazed, a rocket was being readied for launch on a nearby pad. The order came for the area to be evacuated of all living animals.

Gus and his friends continued to graze. To get them out of the area (for their own safety), NASA sent in helicopters to round up the buffalo. Gus and his friends recognized the sound and began running. They took cover under the rocket.

They saw a man walking near the pad, so they climbed the tower and into the top stage of the rocket, which was about to go into orbit.

Since no one knew where the buffalo were, NASA assumed they were clear of the area and continued the countdown.

As the rocket lifted off, Gus and his friends became the "First herd shot around the world."

Q: Why did Johnny get such low grades after Thanksgiving?

A: Because everything is marked down after the holidays.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 41

A Touch of Home Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding. My fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.

Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, "It's a good thing she's not from Idaho."

One man practicing sportsmanship is far better than fifty preaching it. – Knute Rockne

Check out our new food menu!

Miller High Life 16 oz. Draft

$

1.00

All day Everyday!

Saturda y Special 3pm - 8 pm

All Cann ed $

Watch football games right here on our Big Screen TV!

Now 2 courtesy vans at Big Daddy’s!

FREE Pick-up and drop off available within a 10 mile radius

Beer

1.00

Plenty of parking out back Handicap ramp to bar & deck Air conditioned • Darts Pool • Free Wi-Fi

5 North Main Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-3782 Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Out & About at the 2010 MLB All-star game Now batting... #1 in your hearts, #22 in your programs,

Dan Cunliffe!

(l to r): Dan & Corey Cunliffe, Alex & Don Biron Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

42 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

"Everything will be all right in the end; if it's not all right then it's not the end." – Unknown

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Earn

CHECK OUT 20% MORE Earn OUR NEW 10% MORE LOCATION! with $20 or more in bottles

Expires 11/30/10

Out & About at the Dempsey Challenge with Team Gonya We’re not turning around until Uncle Andy installs spell check on his computer!

with any amount of bottles with this coupon

We’re across from the car wash, just down from Future Foods.

And definitely worth the trip!

Mechanic Falls Redemption 20 Maple Street • Mechanic Falls 345-3765 • Open 7 days 9am-5pm

Richard Conway, owner

“To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.”

Peyton & Paige Gonya Well, never mind, Jimbo said he wouldn’t know how to use it anyway...

DAILY SPECIALS FOR BREAKFAST & LUNCH Mon-Fri 7am to 2pm Sat & Sun 6am to 2pm

Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame!

Lauriane Laliberte

Home of the Double Yolker

Breakfast served all day Superb service • Handicap accessible Comfortable family atmosphere

Egg-ceptional Restaurant & Bakery 5 Pigeon Hill Road Route 26 and 11 , Mechanic Falls • 998-5577 "Everyone who got where he is has had to begin where he was."

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh, and the greatness which does not bow before children.

- Kahlil Gibran

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 43

Dorm Life In the dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights: dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the resident assistant.

Approaching his room one afternoon, the resident assistant noticed his door was ajar.

Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought: Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!

But then he noticed that "those crazy guys" had removed the drainpipe beneath his sink.

Don't let your teammates down in any situation. – Larry Bird

November Special (Uncle Andyʼs favorite)

FREE CUP OF COFFEE (Fresh ground coffee & our food is made from scratch!)

with 1 blueberry pancake, 2 farm fresh eggs & bacon or sausage

1485 Lisbon St., Lewiston 786-0667

$

We serve real maple syrup!

5.95

Please mention this ad

BREAKFAST SERVED ALL DAY! Out & About at the Y in Auburn for the Lights on After School Event

The Y

The Y

The Y

The hot line telephone communications system, allowing direct communication between the leaders of the United States and Russia, was installed in 1963. The U.S. and Soviet Union agreed to establish the hotline on June 20, 1963. It linked the White House via the National Military Command Center with the Kremlin during the Cold War.

Turkey suits, Santas & Snowmen ... OH MY! Come early & reserve for your Holiday event!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

The author considered his wine collection a best cellar.

& Jimbo

44 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

Drapeau’s

Costumes of Maine “because life is more fun in costume!”

Costume rentals, sales, make-up, wigs & accessories 20 Main St., Lisbon Falls • 353-2216 www.Costumesof Maine.com

If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?

We can ship anything... Anywhere!

The Marathon Man Hey Grampy, wait for us!

(well, almost anything)

• UPS, FedEx & DHL shipping • Packaging Services • eBay • Mailboxes and more!

Larry Baril on his last mile of the first Maine 120 Center Street, Auburn

www.AuburnGoinPostal.com

784-9900

marathon. He was joined by his two grandsons on the last mile.

Having a sense of humor sure helps get you through 26.2 miles.

Having Colby and Jonah cross the finish line with me was awesome!

SAVE VALUABLE TIME! Whether you’re a one-person company or a several hundred-person company, time is an issue.

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PAYROLL MANAGEMENT, INC.

100 Manley Road, Auburn 783-6880 or 800-734-6880 • www.payrollmgt.com

Way to go, Grampy! We’re proud of you!!

Larry Baril, flanked by his two grandsons, Colby and Jonah

Marathon Fact The name Marathon comes from the legend of Pheidippides, a Greek messenger. The legend states that he was sent from the battlefield of Marathon to Athens to announce that the Persians had been defeated in the Battle of Marathon (in which he had just fought) which took place in August or September, 490 BC. It is said that he ran the entire distance without stopping and burst into the assembly, exclaiming in his language, 'We have won.' before collapsing and dying.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 45

Olympic size Foosball Table

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, you've never had a mosquito in your bedroom.”

Winter’s coming... get your boots ready!

22 Albison Way, Auburn

784-5788 or 1-800-377-9433

Let’s walk on over to Maine Oxy for a jacket and some gloves!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

46 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

“One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.” –A. A. Milne

“The only way to overcome is to hang in.” – Dan O' Brien

Friday, November 26th

Christmas

Bazaar 9am-4pm

Sheila

Nicole

Angela

SHEILA’S HAIR SALON

• Homemade Gifts • Jewelry • Christmas Wreaths • Stocking Stuffers

345-3819

Hours: Tues. - Fri. 9am-7pm • Sat. 9-2

5 South Main Street, Mechanic Falls

"I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow." – Woodrow Wilson

I have a dog and BINGO is his name-o!

(l to r) Kayla,

Nohra, Courtney & Sam

3rd place winners at the Point Sebago Resort Halloween Costume Contest

Nohra, he just said B7!

Get your dauber over here.

Speed Trap On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rearview mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.

"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.

The officer studied it and then gave it back.

"Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration."

Apparently I had handed him a warning ticket that I had received for speeding in South Carolina.

Recipe Sharing General Mills makes Corn Chex, Rice Chex, etc.

If the Post company bought these brands, then I have a new product for them.

Take some Wheat Chex, add pieces of fresh dates and a little cinnamon and sugar, and voila!

Photo submitted by Jeff Allen, owner of Selco Plumbing & Heating

New, Post Dated Chex!

Birthdays are good for you - the more you have, the longer you live!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 47

Out & About at the 2010 celebrity softball game

"There is only one pretty child in the world... and every mother has it."

– Chinese Proverb

VOTED #1 Casual Restaurant & Best Burgers in L/A area

with Dan Cunliffe

Rollie Fingers

ng i v i g s k an h T n o n pe o e r ht ’ e W - midnig ecials!

4pm

ng sp i v i g s k Than s u l p u n Full me

Book our 80-seat Private Function Room for your parties & functions 120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com Rollie, let’s hit Gippers Thanksgiving night. The wife isn’t gonna feel like cooking...

Food for bad dogs is bought by the pound.

BREAKFAST SPECIALS “All breakfast specials include coffee.”

Daily Breakfast Specials served until 11am You asked… we listened! A new brand of coffee!

Those Roy’s All Steak Hamburgers are looking pretty tasty...

Fresh steak cut and ground daily.

Open Mon-Fri 5 am to 8 pm Sat & Sun 6 am to 8 pm

5 Washington St., Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?

A: Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

48 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

MONDAY: Two eggs, Sausage, Homefries, Toast.............$3.75 TUESDAY: Two eggs, Cornbeef Hash, Toast.....................$3.75 WEDNESDAY: Three Blueberry Pancakes ........................$3.75 THURSDAY: French Toast .....$3.75

Auburn

FRIDAY: Two Item Omelette..$3.75

783-4304

SATURDAY: Two Golden pancakes w/Sausage ......$3.75

Phone Orders Are Welcome

SUNDAY: French Crepes .......$3.75

✁

Expires 11/30/10

$

1 OFF Any Purchase of $500 or more 1 coupon per order

Prices do not include tax.

"Hold fast to the Bible as the sheet-anchor of your liberties; write its precepts in your hearts, and practice them in your lives." – Ulysses S. Grant

Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!

Most Offers Come with a Hook This is Ours.

Holiday Craft Fair

Bring your next framing job to D&R Framing and get

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CUSTOM FRAMING FOR: Prints, Pictures,

Needlework, Diplomas, Sports Memorabilia

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23 Cross Street, Auburn • 786-4333

Gram & Dan Williams

Out & About at the 2010 celebrity softball game

The Wales Central School PTSA is hosting its Holiday Craft Fair on Saturday November 20, 2010 from 9-4 at Wales Central School, located at 175 Centre Road (off Rt 132) in Wales.

Admission is free!

with Dan Cunliffe

You guys wanna stop at the Goose for happy hour after the game?

Clap your hands if you like Uncle Andy’s Digest!

Tuesday & Thursday Specials!

9pm-Midnight Well Drinks

$ 00

4

Don’t forget! Jello Shots Always $1 Any Domestic

$ 00

2

69 Sabattus St., Lewiston • 783-3287 Hours: Mon.-Sat. 10am-1am • Sun Noon-1am "You already possess everything necessary to become great."

– Native American Crow Proverb

Holiday gifts, fresh wreaths, baked goods, door prizes, 50/50, and pick your raffle. Lunch counter serving homemade soups, chowders, chile, fresh pies, and hotdogs. All proceeds support the students at Wales Central School.

8 ft table rentals are $35, please contact Kim OʼConnell at Walesmaine@aol.com or 577-0733.

Memento Friend: "I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?"

Woman: "Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair."

Friend: "But your husband is still alive."

Woman: "I know, but his hair is gone."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 49

Out & About at the Dempsey Challenge with Team Gonya Skittles are a healthy snack right, Daddy?

Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!

Winter is coming...

Are you ready?

$

Peyton Gonya

899

"Come to the edge."

"We can't. We're afraid."

"Come to the edge."

"We can't. We will fall!"

"Come to the edge."

$

1199

And they came. And he pushed them. And they flew.

- Guillaume Apollinaire Teacher: "Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?"

Student: "So we know when to start Christmas shopping!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

50 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

Your child is growing up when he stops asking where he came from and starts refusing to tell where he's been.

Services Christine

Cindy

Emily

Daniel

Lynn

Elizabeth

Michelle

Jen

• • • • • • • • • • • • •

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Join us Thursday, Nov. 11th for Day’s Jewelers Ladies Night!

In the Shaw’s Plaza

20 Coburn Street, Auburn (Off Center St., across from D’Angelos)

Open Monday-Saturday • www.panachehairandnailstudio.com

782-9009

President George Washington proclaimed the first national Thanksgiving Day in 1789. Many presidents following him also proclaimed Thanksgiving Days. President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed Thanksgiving Day to be occurring on the last Thursday in November 1863. President Roosevelt signed into law in 1941 that the official date of Thanksgiving would be the fourth November every year.

$

2.00 OFF

Any Large Pizza

with coupon only • expires 11/30/10 • limit 1 coupon per pizza

hco’s t a e H PIZZA & VARIETY

Cough Remedy The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxative!"

The clerk replies, "Of course you can! Look at him. He's too afraid to cough!"

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 yearold son."

Buy 1 Get 1 FREE Breakfast Sandwiches with coupon only • expires 11/30/10

689-9175 • 689-9176

375 Court St. Auburn (top of Goff Hill) Open Mon-Thur 7-9 • Fri & Sat 7-10 • Sun 10-7 www.heathcos.com

If Cher were to get cloned, would she be Cher and Cher alike?

"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

"I thought you said he's 13?"

Why did the pilgrimʼs pants keep falling off?

The buckle was on his hat!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 51

Out & About at DiamondCut Jewelers Welcome to DiamondCut Jewelers! We can turn that sparkle in your eye to a sparkle on your finger...

“If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, ’Help, they've turned me into a parrot’, you are wasting everybody's time.”

ALL in stock Seiko & Pulsar Watches

PLUS, TAKE AN ADDITIONAL

15% OFF!!

(Now through Nov. 31st)

30% off

Retail $395 30% OFF

$227 additional 15% off

$

192

Take 40% OFF Aubrey “The Greeter”

Retail $775 30% OFF

ALL in stock Luminox watches

$486

Retail $395 LESS 40% OFF

$

additional 15% off

237

$

413

WE BUY GOLD GOT GOLD? GET CASH IMMEDIATELY Aubrey, Addie & Syd, Kari all agree that the love of jewelry begins at an early age!

Q: What do you get if you cross a pointy black hat and some leftover turkey?

The highest prices paid!

Stop in with your unused gold and walk out very happy!

DiamondCut

Jewelers

1600 Main St. Rt 26 in Oxford • 739-2300 Mon-Fri 9-6; Sat. 9-3 • diamondcutjewelers.com

A: A Witch-bone Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

52 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

A fool and his money are soon partying.

“Gossip : Letting the chat out of the bag!”

We now carry

beads!

Express yourself…

Out & About at DiamondCut Jewelers I’ll respond to most anything, but John the Jeweler has a nice “ring” to it!

Create your own unique look!

Over 300 beads in stock AND beads for children!

(Smaller, lower-priced beads similar to the adults but perfect for the lil ones!)

We also do home parties

John The Jeweler

I’ve been told I have a “sparkling” personality.

(with great incentives)

Exceptional Quality Jewelry u Maine Gemstones Layaway Options Available u Instant Approval Financing

Your one-stop Jewelry Store

DiamondCut

On-site Jewelry repairs & appraisals!

Tim

Jewelers

The Polisher

Q: Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving?

1600 Main St. Rt 26 in Oxford

739-2300

DiamondCutJewelers.com

Aubrey, our lil greeter

As a child, I was the kind my mother wouldn't let me play with.

A: They couldn't get the moose in the oven!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 53

"Death and taxes may be certain, but we don't have to die every year." – Unknown

HARRIS BROTHERS PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268 Call us!

No Separating Required!

743-3891 HARRIS BROS.

SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARIS MINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD

People who do no work... make no mistakes.

People who make no mistakes... get promoted.

That's why I spend most of my time sending emails & playing games at the office. I need a promotion.

In 1958, the Big Bopper's "Chantilly Lace" hit the pop charts. The Big Bopper's real name was J.P. Richardson. Trivia fans: Richardson had seen the college students doing a dance called The Bop, and he decided to call himself The Big Bopper.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

54 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

9 South Main Street Mechanic Falls, ME •

(207) 345-8711 • 1-800-339-0414

Jeffrey R. Cummings • Nora W. Cummings

Dog gonnit…

We want your business!

AUTOS • HOMEOWNERS MOTORCYCLES • BUSINESS Porter

People who do less work... make less mistakes.

THE CUMMINGS AGENCY, INC. INSURANCE

Nessie

Dear Jimbo, People who do lots of work... make lots of mistakes.

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with. – Mark Twain

Boo

Uncle Andy Requests Promotion

CHECK OUT www.secondchanceboxer.com

Forget the turkey, bring flowers to Thanksgiving dinner instead.

Ann’s Flowers

Visit our website for many other options!

14 Millett Drive, Auburn 782-3457 • www.annsflower.com Allowance is what you pay your kids to live with you.

"Love your neighbor--but don't pull down your hedge." – Benjamin Franklin

THE ITALIAN ELBOW Submitted by Glen Gisel

Live Entertainment Fri. Nov. 5th - TBA Sat. Nov. 6th - Foreplay Fri. Nov. 12th - TBA Sat. Nov. 13th - TBA Fri. Nov. 19th - Mike Krapovicki Sat. Nov. 20th - Okbari Belly Dancers Sat. Nov. 27th - Brian Patricks Sat. Nov. 20th - 2pm Sophia Jewelry Party

Deli Downstairs Dining Room Upstairs 84 Court St, Auburn

333-3041

www.hollysown.com

Call ahead for company holiday parties and all your catering needs

Mon-Tues. 7:30-4:00 Wed-Fri 7:30-10:00 Sat. 11:00-10:00

Holly Mireault, Owner

Jimbo told Uncle Andy they took the word gullible out of the dictionary.

And he was shocked!

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta.

I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door.

With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3.

When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What!? You comin empty handed?"

When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll.

One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.

She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."

"Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters." – Margaret Peters

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 55

Out & About at the 2010 Home Run Derby with Dan Cunliffe.

The legendary Rod Carew giving the tour of Angels Stadium

“Since I have the shape of a yeast roll, don't you think I would make a good roll model.”

– Lawrence Brotherton

Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market!

Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping!

Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More!

VISIT

“THE BOOK NOOK” Regular Paperbacks $1/each $

3.50 each for most Hardcover Books

Selective Hard Covers $2

of Fenton Glassware!

Over 55,000 Pre-Read Books & Cookbooks

START YOUR CHRISTMAS SHOPPING EARLY!

Pre-Read Books arriving daily

20% - 50% OFF

20 OFF %

all Audio Books (books on tape & CD)

I’m not as good as I once was... but I’m as good once as I ever was!

Large Selection

Featuring

131Vendors Open 7 Days a Week

8 AM - 5 PM We honor: M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover cards

960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149 500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store Cal Ripken Jr. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

56 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

s Alway g n i Buy

The following words were written on the tomb of an Anglican bishop in the crypts of Westminster Abbey:

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

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When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country.

But it too seemed immovable.

As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.

And now as I lay on my deathbed, I suddenly realize if I had only changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family.

From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed the world. ~ Author Unknown

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Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Q: Why is one side of the V geese make always shorter than the other?

A: There are fewer geese in it. Duh.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 57

He's a fine broth of a boy; too bad some of his noodles are missing.

BRIGHTEN UP THE HOLIDAY S

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

58 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

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Anger is only one letter short of danger.

Not a Medicare or MaineCare Provider

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 59

Outsmarted

There is a difference between conceit and confidence. – Johnny Unitas

Submitted by Jimbo

A group of friends who prided themselves on their intelligence set out to have a contest of wits. Each person in turn asked a question, and anyone who volunteered an answer that was wrong dropped out. If no one could answer, the questioner himself had to answer, and if he was wrong, he dropped out. Each dropout had to put $5 into the pot.

This Month’s Specials 10" 2-topping Fresh Dough Pizza $

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Eventually the matter boiled down to Thompson and Brown, and the erudition of each one boiled up so that both were held even for half an hour.

Finally Thompson said, "How does a gopher dig a hole without leaving a mound of sand at the lip?"

I feel sorry for the guy who has to play the world's smallest violin - everybody just thinks he's being sarcastic.

WALKING SOFTLY AND CARRYING A BIG STICK

Brown thought about that and said, "I can't answer that. However, since it's your question, you had better answer it."

Thompson said coolly, as he reached for the accumulated pile of bills. "Easy. The gopher starts at the bottom of the hole and that's where he leaves the sand."

Sophie

Copper

"Hold on," said Brown heatedly, grasping Thompson's wrist to prevent him from (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

60 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

Safety is not the absence of danger, but is the presence of God.

(continued from previous page)

Being vague is just as bad as that other thing.

Come check out our new 50” Plasma TV in the Dining Room!

Enjoy our new Appetizers, Beers & Homemade Roasted Peanuts for Sports Events

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Breakfast Served until 11am

taking the pot. "How does the gopher get to the bottom of the hole in the first place?"

"That's YOUR question," said Thompson as he took the money.

Out ’n About in Nashville After seeing the King, I’m all shook up!

I§ e cl Un y’s d An

Just towing the line here with Cooter in Hazzard County...

Don St. Germain "There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots, the other is wings."

-- Hodding Carter, Jr. The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school.

One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.” – Sam Levenson

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 61

In case youʼre out of ziplock bags check out this fantastic idea!

How to seal a bag and make it air-tight!.

Cut up a disposable water bottle and keep the neck and top, as in photo. Insert the plastic bag through the neck and screw the top to seal.

Not only am I a master of suspense, but I . . .

Free Wi fi

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Upcoming Entertainment Thursdayss Open Blue

Fri. Nov. 5th Sat. Nov. 6th Nov. 12-20th Wed. Nov. 24th Sat. Nov. 27th

Veggies by Day Black Cat Road Benefit Call ahead Black Cat Road Matt & the Barnburners

Watch some football on our big screen TV!

on Weʼre open ing!

Thanksgiv Submitted by Gene Couillard

97 Ash St., Lewiston • 783-0668 Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store.

The homicide detective is already there.

Sure, it's the thought that counts, but couldn't people think a little bigger?

"What happened?" asks the first officer.

"Male, about twentyfive, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

11/30/10

"You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

62 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean. – Aldous Huxley

The fifty-first state will be called San Andrea because when southern California separates from the rest of the mainland it will be San Andrea's fault.

Time to be Thankful and look good doing it!

Happy Thanksgiving from all of us Ann Dumais

Paula Tantillo

KUTTERS KORNER

Sue Poulin

is introducing 2 new products!

Biomega by Aquage Sulfate & gluten free shampoo & conditioner Kim Galgovitch

Lisa Olmstead

Pauline Guimond

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The First Hybrid Nail Color UV3 Technology • On like polish Wears like gel • Off in minutes & IT LASTS 2 WEEKS!

Valerie Kelshaw

Jacinta Labbe (formerly of Sarah Jeanne’s)

Get 50% OFF your service by bringing a friend in with you! (with Jacinta)

We are a full service salon N Licensed Aesthetician N Licensed Massage Therapist N Full range of skin care including Glycolic Peels N All waxing services including Brazilian Wax N Tinting - eyelashes & brows N Mens & Womens Cuts N Children’s cuts N Colors N Foils N Perms N Manicures N Pedicures

14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A Highland Spring Road, Lewiston

Thanksgiving Facts about the Mayflower Pilgrims The average age of the Mayflower Pilgrims was 32. The voyage across the ocean took longer than two months.

There were about 100 Pilgrims arriving in Plymouth on the Mayflower. Out of the original Pilgrims, less than half survived the first year. There were only 5 women left to cook the Thanksgiving feast.

786-4311 Hours: Tues. Wed. & Thu. 6am - 8pm • Fri. 6am - 3pm • Sat. 8am - 1pm

The very first Thanksgiving celebration in 1621 lasted for several days. There were more Native Americans present than Pilgrims, 90 to 53.

The Pilgrims undoubtedly would not have survived without the help of neighboring Wampanoag chief, Massasoit, and another Native American, Squanto.

Squanto served as interpreter and showed the Pilgrims how to grow crops and catch food. Massasoit and his tribe actually supplied the Pilgrims with food when they were starving.

The most difficult thing I have ever had to do is follow the guidance I prayed for.

– Albert Schweitzer

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 63

Book the Captain’s Room WE’RE BACK ON COURSE!

for your Holiday Parties!

Up to 50 People Call FMI Gift Certificates Available Coming soon…

Re-opening of

Captain Don’s Loft The Vallee family: Norm, Connie, Belinda & Mick

If you think we’re only about seafood…

Think again! We have something for everyone!

Like one of these menu items…

Voted L/A’s Best Seafood Chowder 2004 - 2007

Steaks & Prime Rib

Pasta Dishes

Ham & Turkey

Chicken

Delicious Appetizers

Sandwiches

It’s like coming home for dinner.

165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 • Open Tuesday - Sunday • www.villageinnmaine.com

"May I never miss a sunset or a rainbow because I am looking down."

– Sara June Parker

Password Protected Uncle Andy calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with his password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," he says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," Uncle Andy says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

The Good ʼOle Days It was the finish line of the Boston marathon. A first time runner is hobbling away, having just finished.

A grizzled old marathoner looks at him and says "You'll feel a lot worse tomorrow."

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 11TH 5:00PM - 9:00PM DAY’S has partnered with your local spa to bring you a relaxing night out before the holidays!

While you’re getting pampered, browse our enormous selection of fine jewelry and gifts and Upcoming events: March Dimes Auction, Ladies Men’swhat Night Call for create a wish list to makeof sure that your special Santa Night knows &exactly you• want this details! year!

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true - some smaller countries are neutral.

He pauses and then says, "But the really bad news is that in about 3 days, you're going to think you had fun today."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 65

Looking for me?

I’m now at Stratham Tire on Center Street in Auburn.

Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

dition a r T e n i a AM unt On! o C n a C u Yo Hours: Monday-Thursday 6am – 9pm; Friday 6am – 9:30pm; Saturday 6am – 9:30pm; Sunday 6am – 9pm

Chris Fletcher

WEEKDAY LUNCH SPECIALS

Stratham Tire Manager

Served from 10:30-3:30 Monday - Maine Fried Shrimp

Simple Math

Tuesday - Fish & Chips Wednesday - Steak Sub Thursday - Grilled Reuben Sandwich Friday - Fried Haddock Sandwich

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in Latin America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple and asks the guide for details. The guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations and are still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

"This temple is 2,503 years old," replies the guide.

I come to see my Grammy and have some breakfast sausage… it’s the best!

DAILY SPECIALS Monday - Turkey Dinner . . . . . .$9.25 w/potato, peas, squash, stuffing, gravy & rolls

Tuesday - Yankee Pot Roast . . . .$7.95 Kaylee & Pam (Grammy) w/Carrots, Potato & Gravy, Rolls Wednesday - Chicken Pot Pie . . .$6.95 w/Potato & Rolls

Thursday New England Boiled Dinner .$9.25 w/corned beef, potato, cabbage, carrots, turnip, beets & rolls

Friday - Lasagna . . . . . . . . . . . .$8.75 w/Salad & Rolls

Friday & Saturday After 4:00 PM

Prime Rib Au Jus w/Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls

Friday, Saturday & Sunday

Impressed at this accurate dating, he asks how he knew this precise figure.

Sunday - Roast Pork . . . . . . . . .$8.75

"Easy," replies the guide. "The archaeologists said the temple was 2,500 years old, and that was three years ago."

BREAKFAST BUFFET

Adults .............$6.75 6 & under .......$3.75

SATURDAY & SUNDAY

Now open from 7am-11am

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

66 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

w/Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls

Fried or Baked Stuffed Haddock

Portland-Lewiston Road, Gray • 657-4714 • www.ColeFarms.com JUST ONE MILE NORTH OFF EXIT 63 OF MAINE TURNPIKE

"Envy can be a positive motivator. Let it inspire you to work harder for what you want."

– Robert Bringle

So these 2 iPhones got married... the wedding was beautiful, but the reception was horrible.

HEAVY DUTY & EQUIPMENT ROADSIDE ASSISTANCE AVAILABLE

In the headlines: Getting Lippy Sometimes Backfires

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• Servicing all makes & models of heavy equipment & trucks • Licensed Inspection Station • Hydraulic Hoses made on-site • Light Duty/Heavy Duty Trailers • We Machine Rotors & Drums for Light Duty

Edible Chocolate Mask Takes a Licking

We work on all equipment… not just ours!

20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston 333-3707 • www.MaineHeavy.com Denial: How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.

Call NOW for your plowing, sanding, & snow removal quotes!

News Flash: Jimbo Needs Glasses

RESIDENTIAL & COMMERCIAL Competitive Pricing!

NO JOB TOO BIG OR TOO SMALL Locally owned and operated since 1970!

Pedal Pusher Thief Nabbed

CALL US FOR YOUR FREE QUOTE! Did you know we also do

RESIDENTIAL BUILDING PROJECTS? Site work, New driveways, Demolition, Retaining walls, Drainage, Concrete floors & foundations and more!

20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston www.stlaurentandson.com • 784-7944 The first rule of holes: If you're in one, stop digging.

(Of course that applies to life and not St. Laurent & Sons)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 67

The Question Submitted by Jimbo

A company was hiring new staff. One question in the written exam was: You are driving your car in a wild stormy night. You pass by a bus station, and you see three people waiting for the bus: an old lady who looks as if she is about to die, a doctor who had once saved your life, a man/woman you have been dreaming to be with. You can only take one passenger in your car. Which one will you choose? Please explain your answer.

"Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best." – Henry Van Dyk

indham •

Located

orth W . 115 in N

0

892-822

on Rt

Think about it before you continue reading.

This must be some kind of personality test.

Every answer has its reasoning.

You could pick up the old lady. She is going to die, and thus you should save her first.

You could take the doctor, because he once saved your life.

This will be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you could always pay the doctor back in the future, but you may never be able to find the perfect love once you pass this chance.

The candidate who was eventually hired (out of 200 applicants) did not have to explain his answer. (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

68 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

Low carb diets really go against the grain.

RESTAURANT 892-9922

Take the time to stop and smell the roses (and the turkey) this Thanksgiving season!

907 Roosevelt Trail, Windham ✹ Easy on the pocketbook ✹ Great for the whole family ✹ Full menu always available

Enjoy the season! Stop in for a bite!!

Hours: Mon - Sat 11am - 10pm • Sun 12 - 8pm

Maggie & Dave Garry, Owners

Casual Dining in a Relaxed Atmosphere I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging - it'll be called You-Twit-Face.

(continued from previous page)

I know where I am. I've been lost here before.

4 SEASON OUTDOOR SPORTS STORE Hunting • Fishing • Ice Fishing • Dog Supplies • Guns & Ammo Gear For Deer Headquarters!

Always an off-season sale!

1311 Roosevelt Trail (Rt. 302) • Raymond • 655-1030 • tailfeathersuplandstore.com

Corey Cunliffe tracking down a fly ball for an out at the 2010 home run derby in Anaheim, CA at Angel Stadium

WHAT DID HE SAY? He simply answered: "Give the car keys to the doctor. Let him take the old lady to the hospital. I will stay and wait for the bus with the man/woman of my dreams."

Sometimes, we would gain more if we were able to give up our stubborn limitations.

– Author Unknown

Out & About at the 2010 MLB all-star game with Dan Cunliffe

GIVE A LITTLE GREEN THIS HOLIDAY SEASON Clothing, hats, books & videos, too!

Come see our fully stocked showroom!

Big Papi of the Boston Red Sox wins the Home Run Derby!

892-6894

HALL IMPLEMENT CO. JCT. 202 & 302 AT THE ROTARY - WINDHAM www.hallimplementco.com • Mon.-Fri. 7:00-5:00 • Sat. 7:30-12:00

Use your imagination not to scare yourself to death but to inspire yourself to life.

– Adele Brookman

I’m gonna hit this one all the way to Hall Implement in Windham!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 69

Holiday Catering From 10 people to 300…

No job too small or too big!

Holiday Parties • Company Christmas Parties Buffet

Platters

Hot & Cold Buffet-Style Catering Professional service at an affordable price Try Dad’s Place for your next event!

Call Diana or Larry for more info and pricing

345-9009 There’s NO PLACE like...

Dad’s Place Catering Division

www.dadsplace.info

I can't get enough minimalism.

Out & About at the Greater Androscoggin Humane Society’s Strut Your Mutt fundraiser

Time to be Thankful

Photos by Bob's Affordable Computers

Take time to smell the roses this Holiday season!

You like my tie?

I’m thankful I just had a tune-up at Windham Automotive!

Windham Automotive “Where quality and value still have a meaning”

385 Roosevelt Trail, Windham • 892-1212

Happy Thanksgiving from all of us!

Thank you for many years of continued support as we help make dreams come true for the children and their families of Camp Sunshine!

I sure do!

Where’d you get it?

I just have to know!

Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?

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Credit Checks $9.99 Maine SBI Criminal History $24 We also perform Pre-employment screenings, Paternity tests, Drug Screenings & Private Investigations *All reports are verified by a licensed Private Investigator

MID MAINE DRUG SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONS Full Service Drug Testing Company & Private Investigator 577-6000 • www.MMDRUGSCREENING.com I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. – Uncle Andy

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 71

Hard Ball A college professor had the mysterious habit of removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket as he walked into the lecture hall each morning. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room.

No one ever understood why he did this, until one day ...

A student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor didn't miss a word of his lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball, and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of the head.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

WOOD PELLET

BLOWOUT

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195/TON While supplies last!

$ave on heating costs

The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket, removed a baseball ...

No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester!

The original recording of Hound Dog was made by Big Mama Thornton on August 13, 1952. Four years later on July 2, 1956, Elvis Presley made his recording of Hound Dog at the RCA studios in New York City.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

72 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

100% Maine Wood Pellets

Call Today!

Environmentally Friendly

ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS OF MAINE

ELECTRICAL CONTRACTORS

1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126

www.esmpellets.com Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

USED CAR

Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

REMEMBER! Mondays are always Fergy Day!! www.LuiggisPizzeria.com

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

We hope you

Brian & Jacob

Grandsons of Beverly at Luiggi’s

In 1999, Christie's International Motor Cars sold at auction a 1937 Alfa Romeo two-passenger 8C 2900b Cabriolet racing car for a record $4,072,500, the highest price ever paid for a used car. The lightweight sports car saw great success in the Mille Miglia Italian endurance race, taking the first three positions in 1936.

Happy Birthday!

all enjoy your

this year.

Life’s short eat dessert first!

Theresa Welch celebrates her 95th Birthday at a party with friends and family at Clover Manor in Auburn.

Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 73

Out & About at the Greater Androscoggin Humane Society’s Strut Your Mutt fundraiser God bless you and God bless all of our furry, four-legged friends!

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

For All Your Commercial & Personal Insurance Needs

BILODEAU INSURANCE AGENCY 2 locations to serve your needs Father Jacques

LEWISTON 541 Lisbon Street, Lewiston • 784-4029

BRUNSWICK 92 Pleasant Street, Brunswick • 725-2797

I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, they were new to me. – Uncle Andy

PRIVATE FUNCTION ROOM This time of year, I’m all about the New England Patriots

Up to 80 people • Many catering options Now Booking Holiday Parties!

www.davinciseatery.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

74 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

782-2088 150 Mill Street, Lewiston

I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.

I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

BRING YOUR DEER HERE!

Ray The Electrician LLC RESIDENTIAL & COMMERCIAL “My Prices Won’t Shock You”

Greg Provost owner of Sabattus Deer Processing

Office: 225-3360 • Cell: 576-6643 rayele@roadrunner.com

Fully Insured • All Electrical Service Work • Houses • Cottages • Dormitories • Campgrounds • Schools

• Phone Cable • Camera Security • House Alarms • Lead Certified Renovator

PLUS: • Install all sizes of generators, from portable to stand-by generators • Install permanent line poles for new housing developments

We answer any emergency call 24 hours a day / 7 days a week Licensed in Maine, New Hampshire, Massachusetts and Vermont Financing Available • Some Restrictions Apply It's not who you know, it's whom you know.

Bring that Buck or Doe you just bagged, down to Sabattus Deer Processing on 435 Middle Rd (Rt 9) in Sabattus, just 4 tenths of a mile from the Sabattus Turnpike Exit. This family run Deer Processing Business is a Game Inspection Station, certified weigh-in spot for the Biggest Bucks in Maine club and has 12 years experience in providing quality game processing services. At Sabattus Deer Processing you can have your Deer turned into 5 different flavors of sausages in natural link casings or in bulk, ground into Hamburg, cut into steaks and more.

They have a walk-in cooler and freezer to keep your meat as fresh as could be and they can also vacuum seal and/or paper wrap your meat. So once it’s down and out of the woods, get that deer over to Sabattus Deer Processing, and tell em Uncle Andy sent ya! Check out their ad on page 97 FMI, stop by 435 Middle Rd. in Sabattus or call 576-9759.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 75

Out & About at the Greater Androscoggin Humane Society’s Strut Your Mutt fundraiser

There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

END HUNGER Bring in any non-perishable food donation during the month of November and

receive a discount on your service

Join Gregory’s in making a difference in our community each month

Front: Cory, Michael, Terry, Tina & Kathy Back: Nuria, Linda, Kelly, Pat & Amy

at Gregory’s Salon, 600 Center St., Auburn (Shaw’s Plaza) 786-0112

Oh yeah, I strutted my stuff!

FIRESIDE STOVE SHOP AND FIREPLACE CENTER

WOOD • PELLET • GAS STOVES & FURNACES

Sale on Heritage, Tribute, Clydesdale & Hearthstone Woodstoves $1,500 Tax Credit ends 12/31/10

784-9249 or 1-800-224-9249 • www.firesidestoveshop.com 1220 CENTER ST., AUBURN • Near Lake Auburn on Rte. 4 Monday-Friday 9am-6pm • Saturday 9am-4pm

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

76 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

CALL FOR NEXT NRA PISTOL COURSE DATES!

Out & About at the Greater Androscoggin Humane Society’s Strut Your Mutt fundraiser

We Buy, Sell & Trade Full Line Gun Smith Service Buying small & large firearm collections Check us out!

J.T. REID’S GUNS 86 Court St., Auburn • 777-3579 Jamie Pelletier, Manager

Hours: 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat

John Reid, Owner

You smell great!

What did you eat?

Meet Mama, in her Halloween costume, the friendliest kitty in central Maine!

You can find her at Deep Sea Creations in New Auburn

Pat’s Pizza!

Frankly Jimbo, all these dogs are making me a little uncomfortable...

But please everyone, look at our ad on page 41. Come see all the fishy’s.

You’ll love looking at them as much as I do!

The Perfect Place to Dine anytime of the day!

Open Sun. - Thur. 10:30am - 10pm Fri. & sat. 10:30am - 11pm

EAT IN OR TAKE OUT! It’s like Taylor Swift says, Two is better than one...

784-8221 85 Center Street, Auburn

Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 77

Leg is Broke Submitted by Jimbo

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg.

Something's wrong.

Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear: "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"That's amazing!" exclaims the doctor.

"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say: "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!"

The doctor was dumbfounded. "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never come across anything like this."

"Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear to my ankle," the man urged.

The doctor did so and was blown away to hear his ankle plead: "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Only 5 bucks.

Please!!"

"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. He frantically searched all his (continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

78 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

Follow your dreams... except for that one where you're naked at work.

l a u n n A t 1s

HOSTED BY

&

Irish Twins

Pub

Sat., Nov. 13th • 3pm-8pm 5 PUBS INVOLVED IN THE CRAWL!

Free Shuttle Service During The Event!

First shuttle leaves Irish Twins at 3pm

Irish Twins Pub Pub 33 The Blue Goose The Cage Little Joe’s

After-Crawl Party at

Irish Twins Pub

8pm-Close • Live Music by Skősh

WIN a 3-Day, 2-Night Stay with BOGO Airfare at 1 of 20 Destinations (Buy One Get One Free)

WIN a Snowboard or one of many other prizes

Weekly Entertainment & Specials Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Free Pool & Touch Tunes 75¢ Wings $ 1 Red Hot Dogs

KARAOKE CONTEST

Acoustic Sets

BANDS

LIVE BANDS

75¢ Tacos

$13.95 14 oz. Ribeye Steak

BOGO 10” Pizzas

1/2 price Apps

!

No cover charge !!

ER EV Hours: Tues.& Wed. 3pm-close • Thurs. & Fri. 11am-close • Sat. 4pm-close

Irish Twins Pub

743 Main St., Lewiston • 376-3088 (across from Marden’s) • www.myspace.com/irishtwinspub Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

(continued from previous page)

Uncle Andy has been working hard, 24 / 7 - 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.

CNA’s

medical reference books. "There's nothing about it in here."

WANTED NOW!

The doctor thought hard for a moment and then said, "Let me try to make a well educated guess. Based on all my previous experience, I can tell you this much: your leg seems to be broke in three places."

GREAT PAY! GREAT WORKING CONDITIONS!

Out & About at the Greater Androscoggin Humane Society’s Strut Your Mutt fundraiser

Assisted Home Care Home Care Means...

• More privacy - you get personal care in your own home.

• Convenience - continuity of care.

• Comfort - being in your own home.

• Shorter Recovery Time - people recoup better at home.

• Nursing care by qualified caregivers.

Home C d e t s are si s A For more information visit us at: 550 College St., Lewiston

783-7375 We cover Gray, New Gloucester, Turner, Augusta, Windham, Brunswick, Topsham, Bath, Mechanic Falls, Norway, Bowdoinham, Pownal and surrounding areas.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. – Uncle Andy

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 79

You know you're growing old when... ...you've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything. ...the bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car ... in the "ten items or less" lane. ...you've stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents. ...you buy "age-defying" makeup and "antiwrinkle" creams and believe they work. ...you've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you. ...you've had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic "for the last time in a generation."

In 1648, the Treaty of Westphalia ended the Thirty Years' War in Europe. The Thirty Years' War was one of the most destructive conflicts in European history. The war was fought primarily (though not exclusively) in what is now Germany and at various points involved most of the countries of Europe.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

80 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Check out our Bar

Coming Soon Expanded Lounge Area Pool Tables, Juke Box, Dart Boards, Live Entertainment, & More!

Featuring Sam Adams Seasonal Brews All Month Long

• Mon.-Thurs. $2 domestic drafts Happy Hour 4pm-7pm 1/2 price appetizers • 29 Bottled beers & 10 beers on tap • Wine, mixed drinks & liquor

Sunday & Monday NFL FOOTBALL

Friday Night KARAOKE

Casual Dining & Classic New England Fare Full Bar • Eat in or Take out

Breakfast Served Daily 7am - 4pm November Special 2 Eggs, Homefries, Toast & Coffee

$2.99

Pancakes • Omelettes • Waffles • Breakfast Sandwiches • Eggs Benedict & More!

Inside the Lewiston Mall 333-3053

Serving Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner Dining Room Hours: Tues. - Thurs. 7am-8:30pm; Fri. & Sat. 7am-9pm; Sun. 7am-8:30pm Lounge Hours: Tues. - Thurs. 7am-10pm; Fri. 7am-12a.m.; Sat. 7am-10pm; Sun. 9am-10pm

www.wildseasonsinc.com Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

FROM OUR FAMILY TO YOURS AT THANKSGIVING We are so thankful for many things. Warm homes, warm hearts and happy times with family and friends. We are also very thankful to you, our many loyal clients in Central Maine, for making us top performers in the nation.

Thank you all so much and Happy Thanksgiving!

4 rules to live by:

Drink, Steal, Swear & Lie Submitted by Gene Couillard

I was shaking my head no, but he then told me to listen while he explained his four rules.

Here they are...

1. "Drink" from the "everlasting cup" every day.

2. "Steal" a moment to help someone that is in worse shape than you are.

3. "Swear" that you will be a better person today than yesterday.

4. And last, but not least, when you "lie" down at night thank God you live in America and have freedom.

Things are not always as they seem are they?

DIY Complications “Our greatest privilege is serving the real estate needs of you, your family and your friends. Because of you, we are The Real Estate Leader.”

– Brenda Fontaine

The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy.

"Arthritis with complications?" she asked.

336 Center Street, Auburn • 784-3800 • www.brendafontaine.com

The wife shook her head, "No. Do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete blocks."

That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old Navy.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 81

Out & About at the Greater Androscoggin Humane Society’s Strut Your Mutt fundraiser Onward, my human...

Until the nineteenth century, solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia!

ANDY’s Baked Beans & Tavern On Nov. 14th, Sunday’s football game is Patriots vs.

Steelers. Everyone is invited to let Rosie know she is cheering for the WRONG team!!! Let’s make it LOUD and Clear. Patriots will win!!!

Go Pittsburg Steelers!

Rosie

Every Saturday

“Love at first bite!”

47 Broad Street, Auburn • 782-9044

Andy’s Baked Bean Specials…

Don’t Miss Out!

HOURS: Tues. & Wed. 10am-8pm Thurs. & Fri.10am-Close • Sat. 8am-Close

I said sit, stay!

Down! Rollover!

Come on dog, keep up with me here... Don’t make me come down there!

Left Turn, Clyde On a recent flight, Uncle Andy kept peering out the window.

Since it was totally dark, all he could see was the blinking wingtip light. Finally, he rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," Uncle Andy said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

Stop right Out & About at there, Todd! I’ve Georgio’s heard all the Dick Tracy

Dick, did you hear the one about...

jokes. Don’t even bother...

Okay, no joke...

We’ve got our famous UFO on special November 20-26 for $5!

Todd Culleton & Dick Tracy See their ad on page 41

United New Auburn Association Meeting Tuesday, Nov. 30th, 6pm at Rolly’s Diner

Mon. Tue. Wed. Thur.

Sat.

What do you mean you left my shades at home!?

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

82 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

7pm 7pm 7pm 7pm 1pm

Dart League Shuffle Bowl Valley Pool Independent League Valley Pool

Sunday Nov. 7th Independent Pool League Sunday, Nov. 14th Dart League with CMTL Noon-time tournaments at New Auburn Social Club

New Auburn Social Club 7 Second Street, Auburn

Sat. Nov. 20th

Thanksgiving Dinner

FMI Contact Leroy Walker 577-2694 • email: dmusicman5060@yahoo.com

A rock store was closed by the police -- they were taking too much for granite.

The Nobel Peace Prize medal depicts three naked men with their hands on each other's shoulders!

SEBAGO/PEABODY POND

Out & About at the Greater Androscoggin Humane Society’s Strut Your Mutt fundraiser

Newly built in 2008 w/ great water views. Year round with radiant floor propane heat, 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, master suite with 6' shower, all hardwood floors, hemlock beamed ceilings, gourmet kitchen with double ovens, quartz counters, screened porch. Seller will include boat, dock, put in and put out fees w/ marina for 5 years with acceptable offer. $660,000

100' of pristine water frontage on Peabody Pond!

www.mainehomesearch.com

Call Dawn Belisle-Marston 207-553-7318

Come see our mom and dad at A-Plus Auto!

See our ad on page 23. I’m sure they can tell you why your U-joints might be out of joint, too.

Kathryn, Kasee and Cayden Well, paint me purple and call me Barney.

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

Improve the comfort and beauty of your home by creating OPEN SPACES.

Look, waterfront property! Can we!, can we!, can we?

Our creative team can help raise the value of your home.

With our affordable prices, you might be pleasantly surprised by the outcome, and may never want to sell your home.

Best prices with the highest quality workmanship.

“The Difference is in the Details”

Call 753-9887 or 576-8528

Think Decks, Garages, & Sunrooms, too!

OVER 20 YEARS OF BUILDING EXPERIENCE Fully Insured • Many References Available

You can give without love, but you cannot love without giving.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 83

Out & About at the Greater Androscoggin Humane Society’s Strut Your Mutt fundraiser

Everybody is liable to make mistakes, but fools practice them.

✃ $

Spend 50 or more

Please mention Uncle Andy’s Digest

Get $10 OFF any order!

ROLL TOWELS - ALL TYPES Bathroom Tissue, Trash Liners, Plates, Cups, Napkins, ETC. • Cleaning Chemicals & Janitorial Supplies

NEXT DAY DELIVERY IN L/A AREA!

Stop waiting in line at the Big Box stores for your paper and janitorial supplies! Just call in your order...it’s that SIMPLE!!

wiper & paper

No m Minimu Order

120 Mill St., Auburn • 784-5779 or 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

84 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

If you really love someone, throw the ball and say "Fetch!"

When glass breaks, the cracks move faster than 3,000 miles per hour. To photograph the event, a camera must shoot at a millionth of a second!

A New Room in Every Can For a smooth, rich finish of exceptional beauty, depend on Manor Hall® premium interior latex paints. The washable, durable finish makes Manor Hall ideal for walls, ceilings, doors and trim.

Highly Scrubbable • Provides A Rich Finish • Excellent Coverage

$

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with this ad Limit 4 gallons

per gallon

Expires 11/30/10

"We're a paint store, not a paint department"

Hours: M-F 7am-5pm Sat. 7:30am-1pm

516 Sabattus Street • Lewiston • 784-1993

www.lewistonpaint.com

The Girls of Bling Tanya, Mindy & Lisa DiamondCut Jewelers

Now Accepting Snow Plowing, Snow Removal & Sanding Accounts

Great News!

Great News!

Submitted by Jimbo A man had been married about a year when one day his wife came running up to him jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her.

"Why are we so happy?" he asked.

"Honey, I have some really great news for you!" she said.

"Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathless from all the jumping up and down.

"I'm pregnant!" she gasped.

The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier.

Then she said "Oh, Honey there's more."

"What do you mean more?", he asked.

Also Offering: Excavating • Demolition • Yard Maintenance House Lots • Commercial/Residential Site Work & More!

"Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

Est. 1945 Adam Smith Ray Poirier Co-Owner 1331 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • 782-3617 • lppoirier@myfairpoint.net Co-Owner

"It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis

CALL US TODAY FOR YOUR FREE ESTIMATE!

&T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 85

Dempsey Challengers Conquered the Course

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Jason & PJ Mottram of Lewiston

A man approached a local person in a village he was visiting.

"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

"What's the quickest way to York?"

"I'm driving."

The local scratched his head.

"That's the quickest way!"

STILL LOOKING FOR ME? CCURATE CCOUNTING & Tax Services, P.A. • Income Tax Returns • Payroll Taxes Lynnette Ekstrand of Paws in Motion Pet Grooming Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

86 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

JASON HALL

• Sales & Use Tax • Accounting Systems

922 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 777-7005 (Corner of Sabattus & Garcelon Streets - Across from Val’s Rootbeer)

Uncle Andy to Jimbo, trying to convince him that he was working everyday: I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

Out & About at the Greater Androscoggin Humane Society’s Strut Your Mutt fundraiser

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

We’re moving in November

Still open for clients at the Lewiston Mall Find us on Facebook for updated information under Unique Hair Designs A Paul Mitchell Color Salon

782-0202

D’Avanti Salon

New Salon Opening in November!

Unique Hair Design

625 Bridgton Road (Rt. 302) at Windham/Westbrook line New phone: 318-7185

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

A good pun is its own reword.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Out & About at Corsetti’s in Windham

This is all your fault Patty!

Smile, we’re gonna be in Uncle Andy’s!

(l to r)

We’re gonna be famous!

This is a dream come true!

Chris Keating, Mary Carver, Donato Corsetti & Patty Dunn He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine.

In 1973, the University of Texas at Arlington became the first accredited school to offer a class in belly dancing.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 87

I was more nervous than a ceiling fan store ower with a comb-over.

Winter Brews Are Arriving Daily!

Open on Thanksgiving!

Opening at 6:30 a.m.

Hot Soups are back!

Grab a bowl today!

Large 16” Meat Combo Pizza includes bacon, pepperoni, ham & sausage

Out & About at the Greater Androscoggin Humane Society’s Strut Your Mutt fundraiser

$12.25

Thanksgiving Day Dinner includes: turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, stuffing and roll

F~lorian’s Market ~

Call for commercial & residential bottle pickup

Find us on Facebook & Foursquare

301 Main St., Auburn 783-9098 / Open 7 Days a Week

Someone told me that if I tell this horse a joke he’ll laugh. So I told him that Uncle Andy was running for Governor of Maine.

Best Smile Finalists

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

Lynnette Ekstrand

WE’VE GOT HANDGUNS! HUGE SELECTION! FREE Bottle of Pepper Spray with any handgun purchase!

Just a small sample of our inventory

Call Matt, Drew or Chris at

Rt. 4 • Turner, ME

225-3432

Just past Twitchell’s Airport

Chris Jordan, owner 577-0210

Gun Control: Use both hands.

g3firearms@megalink.net

Best Smile Finalist Q: Why didnʼt the Pilgrim want to make the bread?

A: Itʼs a crummy job Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 89

PICNIC Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC. I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant.

He laughed as he told me it meant "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer."

Seconds Submitted by Jimbo

"Chow looks wonderful," I told the mess sergeant, a large, intimidating man. "I'd love seconds."

"You'll get the same as everyone else," he growled as he chucked food on my tray. "Now move it!"

After finishing the edible portion of my meal, I dumped the rest in the garbage, accidentally tossing out my silverware. While leaning into the trash can to look for my knife and fork, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

It was the mess sergeant.

"It's all right, son," he said. "You can grab seconds."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

90 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

The supersonic Concorde jet made its first trial flight on January 1, 1969.

LA’s Newest Spa!!!

We are now a full services salon & spa!!

• Massages • Facials • Body Treatments • Body Waxing • Manicures/Pedicures • State-of-the-art Hair Services Back, L to R: Shannon Lord, Mel Cote, Hannah Greene. Front: Ashley Farrell, Darcy Ames

1 hr.

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Gift Certificates & Spa Packages Available NOW HIRING Aesthetician • Massage Therapist Nail Technician • Stylist

336 Center St. • Auburn • 777-1611

No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving always falls on the forth Thursday of November!

Here I am! What are your other two wishes?

In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model. I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.

I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip.

Spas as low as $3,195

Up to 50% Off Selected Models

Monday - Friday 10-5; Saturday 10-4

I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody.

It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

We otta get this bull over to Sabattus Deer Processing ASAP!

Yeah, I saw their ad on page 97.

Let’s head to Sabattus right now.

John Couillard (right) and friend showing the results of their moose hunt

Nicole Vachon of Sheilaʼs Hair Salon with Nemo

Happy Thanksgiving

NOW OPEN!!

Irish • Mexican • American Lunch & Dinner Open 7 Days a Week 134 Main Street, Lewiston

783-6200 Also visit our Brunswick location at One Center St., Brunswick

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 91

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

For All General Home Repairs & Improvements

HOME IMPROVEMENT SERVICES Paint Man & Roof dawg are ready to save the day!

We found these urinals quite suitable

Interior & Exterior Painting Roofs of all sizes

FREE ESTIMATES • • • •

Carpentry Sheetrocking Plumbing Flooring

784-8922 Choc-o-late Train Little Johnny and his friend Billy were on their very first train ride, with Billy's mother.

A vendor came down the corridor selling a candy bar that neither had ever seen before. Billy's mom bought each one of them a bar.

Little Johnny eagerly tore open the wrapper

IDAAYY BBLLAACCKK FFRRID IALL SSPPEECCIA -

$

499

and bit a bit off into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across at Billy and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?" asked Billy.

Little Johnny replied, "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

GE® 30˝ Free-Standing Electric Range Model: JB650DPWW • Total Capacity (cubic ft.) 5.3 • Super Large Oven • 12˝ Heating element

• 5˝/8˝ Dual Heating Element • 6˝ Heating Element(s) • Warming Zone • Range with Storage Drawer

white only Itʼs all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

11/11/10 to 11/29/10

1822 Lisbon Road • Lewiston, ME (207) 786-5555 67 Centre Street • Bath, ME Local: (207) 443-4711 • Toll-free: 800-734-6963 Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

92 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.

BUY ONE HOME OR BOTH! Zoned for Daycare, Lawncare Services, Church, Veterinary or Landscape Services.

Great for horses, too. Located on over 8 acres of pasture land and abutts the Little Androscoggin River. Over 600’ of road frontage. Located in rural Auburn.

The house has been totally renovated with new windows, siding, roof, heating system, refinished hardwood floors, freshly painted interior, new bath and updated kitchen. Includes a huge storage barn which has electricity. Just move in!

$190,000

When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."

The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope."

"We live in a great country," she said.

"One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."

$130,000 A convenient location for your business.

Go to www.mainehomesearch.com for more info and virtual tour of this well maintained property.

Call Dawn Belisle-Marston for private showing.

OFFICE: 207-553-7318 CELL: 207-939-2827 EMAIL: dsb@homesinmaine.com www.mainehomesearch.com

Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left.

The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

The double wide is a 1996 w/ 1,488 sq ft, 2 master bedrooms, one on each end, 2 baths, office or den, vaulted ceilings and deck.

Re/Max By The Bay

Special Delivery

Dawn Belisle-Marston

You chatter more than a dolphin by a fish bucket.

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room.

He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."

In 1996, McDonald's opened its first restaurant in India. This outlet was also McDonald's first restaurant not to serve beef (it served mutton instead).

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 93

Slow Down Therapy

Look out for #1, and don't step in #2, either.

1. Slow down; God is still in heaven. You are not responsible for doing it all yourself, right now.

SCHEDULE Saturday, Nov 20th 10am - 8pm Sunday, Nov 21st 10am - 5pm Monday, Nov 22nd 4pm - 8pm

2. Remember a happy, peaceful time in your past. Rest there. Each moment has richness that takes a lifetime to savor.

(Pictures with Santa Night)

Tuesday, Nov 23rd Chamber Night-catered by Davinci's (closed to the public) Wed & Thur Closed for Thanksgiving Friday, Nov 26th 10am - 8pm

3. Set your own pace.

When someone is pushing you, it's OK to tell them they're pushing.

4. Take nothing for granted: watch water flow, the corn grow, the leaves blow, your neighbor mow.

5. Taste your food. God gives it to delight as well as to nourish.

6. Notice the sun and the moon as they rise and set. They are remarkable for their steady pattern of movement, not their speed.

7. Quit planning how you're going to use what you know, learn, or possess. God's gifts just are; be grateful and their purpose will be clear.

8. When you talk with someone, don't think about what you'll say next. Thoughts will spring up naturally if

Saturday, Nov 27th 10am - 5pm

• Food Court

t A grea family event!

• Craft Fair • Silent Auction

• Over 50 fully decorated Trees to be raffled off including a Maine State Lottery Tree decorated with $500 worth of Instant Tickets!

• Pictures with Santa all during FEZtival • Musical Entertainment

Admission 12 years & up $2 Kids Under 12 FREE • Handicap Accessible

Kora Shrine Temple 11 Sabattus Street in Lewiston

782-6831 • www.korashriners.org The net proceeds from this FEZtival of Trees are for the benefit of Kora Temple.

(continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

94 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE

Snow Plowing & Snow Removal Services

(continued from previous page)

you let them.

9. Talk and play with children. It will bring out the unhurried little person inside you.

10. Create a place in your home...at your work...in your heart...where you can go for quiet and recollection. You deserve it.

• SNOW PLOWING – Commercial & Residential • SNOW BLOWING – Driveways – Walkways • SHOVELING – Walkways & Entrances – Porches – Emergency Exits – Roofs & More!

11. Allow yourself time to be lazy and unproductive. Rest isn't luxury; it's a necessity.

WE SPECIALIZE IN COMMERCIAL & RESIDENTIAL HARDSCAPING Retaining Walls • Outdoor Patios • Granite Curbing • Driveways • Walkways & Steps •

Call us for a FREE quote!

Foundations • Landscaping • Light Excavation • Dozer Work •

House Lots & Clearing • Firewood •

FULLY INSURED 36 Howes Corner Road, Turner • 344-5814 Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.

12. Listen to the wind blow. It carries a message of yesterday and tomorrow - and now.

NOW counts.

Rescue Me The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her.

"I'm out of gas," she purred. "Could you please push me to the gas station?"

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a filling station.

"How come you didn't turn in?" he yelled.

"I never go there," the girl shouted back.

"They don't have full service."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 95

376.3007

East Coast Mortgage Group, LLC 316 Center St. • Auburn

866.579.ECMG

CHRIS BAIN Determined.

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

Leadership.

She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

GARY BAIN

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

East Coast Mortgage Group, LLC 316 Center St. • Auburn

866.579.ECMG Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

96 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

376.3007

Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities

Service Rental Sales

Do not neglect your Septic System For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.

CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT

G.A. DOWNING CO., INC. 111 Woodman Hill RD Minot, ME 04258 207.782.4508 800.924.4500

We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives.

Man cannot live by bread alone, unless he's locked in a cage and that's all you feed him.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Looking Super at 60!

Dan was the recipient of the coveted Racquetball player of the century award

Available at:

Heating, Air Conditioning & Plumbing 137 Spring Street, Auburn

Deb & Dan Dube

1-800-287-3246 or 786-3246

at Danʼs surprise 60th birthday party

Holly’s Heating Oil • Vacuum Packaging or Wrap • Made to order Sausage

Now serving Lewiston/Auburn!

Mention this ad and receive

5¢ per gallon discount New Lewiston/Auburn accounts only

Expires 11/30/10

380 Main Street, Westbrook & 38 Elm Street, Biddeford

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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 97

Argument Winning One day I found Morris, my five-year-old son, with the telephone, which he quickly hung up when he saw me. "What were you doing?" I asked him.

"Calling Aunt Sarah."

"How could you have called Aunt Sarah?" I asked. "You don't even know her number."

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. – Uncle Andy

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"Yes, I do and I did call her," little Morris replied.

I wasted a lot of breath trying to convince him that he didn't know her number, but he insisted he had made the call.

"Okay," I said finally.

"What did she say, then, if you called her?"

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I've got a mind like a... a... what's that thing called?

Out & About at Modern Woodmen’s Lewiston office You’d be smiling too, if you invested with Modern Woodmen of America!

My daughter spent the night over at my mom's house one weekend.

She is 3 and full of mischief.

My mom told her, "You must behave if you want to stay again overnight.”

My daughter looked at her and said, "Yes your Majesty Princess Gramma of Coolness!"

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

98 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

Joanne & Fern Richard When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.

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After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne."

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www.skindiversparadise.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 99

Strength in Numbers A member of a certain church, who previously had been attending services regularly, suddenly stopped coming to church. After a few weeks, the Pastor decided to visit. The Pastor found the man at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"?

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Guessing the reason for his Pastor's visit, the man welcomed him, led him to a comfortable chair near the fireplace and waited.

The pastor made himself at home but said nothing. In the grave silence, he contemplated the dance of the flames around the burning logs.

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www.granitemarblecountertops.net www.granitemarblecountertops.net I have not yet begun to procrastinate. – Uncle Andy

After some minutes, the Pastor took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone. Then he sat back in his chair, still silent. The host watched all this in quiet contemplation. As the one lone ember's flame flickered and diminished, there was a momentary glow and then its fire was no more.

Soon it was cold and lifeless.

The Pastor glanced at his watch and realized it was time to leave, he slowly stood up, picked up the cold, dead

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(continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

100 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list.

(continued from previous page)

Can we ever really know when our philosophy assignment is due?

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ember and placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow, once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.

As the Pastor reached the door to leave, his host said with a tear running down his cheek, "Thank you so much for your visit and especially for the fiery sermon. I shall be back in church next Sunday."

Q: What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?

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Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.

Shannon Lord of Auburn has joined Perfect Image Salon & Spa, located in the Harvard Mall 336 Center St in Auburn, as an Aesthetician. Lord has been an Aesthetician for over 10 years and specializes in Facials, Body Treatments, Waxing, Eyebrow and Eyelash Tinting and other skin related services. For an appointment with Shannon please call Perfect Image Salon & Spa at 777-1611.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 101

Wrong Number?

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

I purchased a telephone answering machine with a prerecorded message that used a male voice.

When my mother returned from vacation, I forgot to mention it to her.

The next Saturday, the phone rang and the machine answered. After the message, there was a pause and the caller hung up. A second time and the same result.

Then the phone rang a third time. I heard, "This is your mother, I think. If I am, please call me."

Out & About at the Y in Auburn for the Lights on After School Event Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.

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Child Care Director Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis & Jimbo

102 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

Perfect Image Salon expands

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Ashley Farrell, a Licensed Massage Therapists from Auburn, has joined the team at Perfect Image Salon and Spa, located in the Harvard Mall 336 Center St in Auburn. She offers Swedish, Deep Tissue & Pregnancy Massage Services. For an appointment with Ashley please call Perfect Image Salon & Spa today at 777-1611.

Out & About at the Y in Auburn for the Lights on After School Event

800-561-8506 Oxford/Auburn

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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...withravis &T Jimbo

NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039 103

ANNOUNCING THE GRAND RE-OPENING! NOV. 5th Come and experience the Sauna and enjoy the benefits of soothing therapy!

Make an appointment today for a well-deserved Massage in our new Therapeutic Center!

When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.

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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...witThravis

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.

& Jimbo

104 NOVEMBER 2010 783-7039