UAD March 2015

FREE

U NCLE A NDY ’ S D IGEST The Most Unusual Digest in America

March 2015

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Express Lane

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, “Analog.”

I said, “No, just a watch.”

Submitted by Jimbo

It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments.

The big game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch it.

The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item express lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign slipped into the check-out line just in front of him pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So Dearie, which six items would you like to buy?"

According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work.

Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students.

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Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

If all is not lost, where is it?

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA

March 2015 Wednesday, March 4th Grid Iron 4pm – 7pm (Chapter 14437) 1567 Lisbon St, Lewiston $8 Member; $9 Guest Saturday, March 7th KC Bean and Casserole Supper 4:30pm – 6pm (Chapter 8609) Maxwell Gill Hall, 131 High St, Sabattus $6 Member; $7 Guest Tuesday, March 10th Luiggi’s 4pm – 7pm (Chapter 14346) 63 Sabattus St., Lewiston $4.50 Member; $5.50 Guest Wednesday, March 18th Rolly’s Diner 7am – 10am (Chapter 12749) 67 Mill St., Auburn $3 Member; $4 Guest Saturday, March 21st KC Sacred Heart Bean Supper 4:30pm – 5:30pm (Chapter 12907) 8 Sacred Heart Place, Auburn $5 Member; $6 Guest Tuesday, March 24th Dairy Queen 4pm – 7pm (Chapter 10589) 661 Minot Ave, Auburn $4.50 Member; $5.50 Guest TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RETURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. If additional info is needed, please call our office, please do not call restaurants. All activities can only be attended at the times listed.

************************* Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up the week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.

Wherever you go and whatever you do, may the luck of the Irish be there with you!

Success is relative; the greater the success, the more relatives.

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UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST is published by the first Friday of every month by Maine Mountain Ocean Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME. It is distributed free throughout Central Maine and mailed to subscribers all over the world.

Subscriptions are $30/year.

Send a $30 check made out to UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST to: P.O. Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212

Production Staff

Conjunctivitis.com: a site for sore eyes.

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES Affordable Dentures Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

JIMBO Jumping for Joy

TIM Loaded with Paparazzi

Also see us for: • Full Dentures • Immediate Dentures • Partial Dentures • Rebases • Relines • Repairs • All work done in house, including metal frameworks

Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!

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UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST MAILING ADDRESS: PO Box 3363 Auburn, ME 04212 EMAIL: editor@UncleAndys.com PHONE: 207 783-7039 FAX: 207 777-3898

801 Webster Street, Lewiston

514-0660 SmileAgainDentures.com

Mike & Joe Adkins, licensed denturists

Or email us at: smileagaindentures@gmail.com

UncleAndysDigest.com While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in our client’s advertisements and our publication in general, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or omissions.

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Hickory Dickory Dock. Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got away with minor injuries.

I don’t really like school, I got caught skipping the other day. My principal said, "Walk normal next time, you fruitcake."

Looking to Buy or Sell This Year?

You’re Invited To Attend a FREE Home Buyer/Seller Education Class!

When:

Wednesday, March 11th or Wednesday, March 25th

Time:

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Where:

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Voted Grea Lewi ter ston/ Aubu Best rn’s Mo Comp rtgage any f or 2014!

Speaker: Debbie Bodwell Come join us and find out about programs that can help you on your way to home ownership!

• Shopping for a Home Mortgage

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Seating is limited – MUST PRE-REGISTER via email: Courtney.Vincent@RMSmortgage.com or call 207-777-1551 Light refreshments will be served.

Debbie Bodwell, NMLS#280336 VP, Mortgage Banker 181 Center Street | Auburn, ME 04210 P 207-777-1551 | F 207-777-1933 Debbie.Bodwell@RMSmortgage.com www.RMSmortgage.com/DebbieBodwell

Amenities Submitted by Thomas Hill

A married couple is traveling to visit family by car. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to get a room. They only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. for four hours.

Then the clerk tells him that $350. is the ‘standard rate'.

He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said.

NMLS ID# 1760, ME Supervised Lender License No. SLM2537 Equal Housing Opportunity For information purposes only and is not a commitment to lend. Programs, rates, terms and conditions are subject to change at any time. Availability dependent upon approved credit and documentation, acceptable appraisal, and market conditions. Not all programs available in all areas. Residential Mortgage Services, Inc. is a Maine Corporation headquartered at 24 Christopher Toppi Drive, South Portland, ME 04106. MMLS ID #1760; ME Supervised Lender License #SLM2537; CT Mortgage Correspondent Lender License #14352; Licensed by the Delaware State Bank Commissioner to engage in business in Delaware, License #017813; FL Mortgage Lender License #MLD232; MA Mortgage Lender License #MC1760; MD Mortgage Broker License #21114; Licensed by the New Hampshire Banking Department, NH Mortgage Banker License #8816-MB; Licensed NJ first mortgage lender; Ohio MB Exemption MBMB.850210.000; Licensed Mortgage Lender #44857; RI Licensed Lender #20092626LL; RI Licensed Loan Broker #20122931LB.

What do cars eat on their toast? Traffic jam.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. He went on to explain that the couple (continued on next page)

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(continued from previous page)

If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while.

They're normally around 90 degrees.

could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

March Madness Give-A-Way

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay.

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Of course you could, dear.

Tim & Kristine Fox Tim took all his baseball gear with him in case the Sea Dogs were short on players. The coach didn’t end up needing Tim’s services.

You can find Tim at Redlon & Johnson in Lewiston when he’s not attending or playing in a sporting event.

He asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50."

"That's correct. I charged you $300. for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't " exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have," she says.

Don't mess with senior citizens…They didn't get that age by being stupid!

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A little BP and I could play with these guys, honey!

GREAT COMFORT FOOD $ 1.00 We think you’ll find it’s Egg-ceptional!

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Serving breakfast & lunch daily.

Breakfast available all day! $ “Home of the Double Yolker”

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10% off larger orders! one coupon per visit Not to be combined w/ any other specials UAD

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Expires 3.31.15

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." It sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than they joke.

FOR THE LOVE OF HAIR Angela Spinney Owner/Stylist

Nicole Morris Owner/Stylist

Katie Coolidge Nail Tech & Licensed Aesthetician

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$15 Spray Tan

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Out ’n About with Community Credit Union at the Poker Run

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Heather Budesheim Poker Hand Dealer

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.

3’s & 9’s are wild, 4’s gets you an extra card...

8 Week Transformation Weight Loss Challenge Initial Weigh-in/Measure begins March 16th.

Includes 2 Fitness classes per week (16 classes).

Weekly exercise and nutrition based challenges!

Classes begin Monday, March 23rd

DON’T DELAY – REGISTER TODAY!

Leah Punch Poker Hand Dealer

FITNESS 181 Sabattus Road, Sabattus • 375-6000 • SPRQStudio.com I knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!

I sent that "Ancestry" site some information on my family tree and they sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over.

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Love at First Sight

Broken puppets for sale. No strings attached.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you.”

May I join you?" He nods.

The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common.

He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Tim. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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“We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone.” – Ronald Reagan

I want it clearly understood that I am totally confused.

Circus Act Submitted by Jimbo

Spring and Summer dates are filling up fast – Book NOW!

Weddings • Summer Events • Reunions Company Parties Indoors or Outdoors – We do it all!

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Call Diana or Larry for more info and pricing!

e h t o d d a Let D cookin’!

abundance of Luck o’ the Irish!

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enu items m 0 0 2 r e v O from! to choose

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See our Darn Good Deal on page 55.

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to Morris, the circus impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."

He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground landing softly on the toe of one foot.

Morris stares blankly at him for a long time.

Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"

Signs of Spring

COFFEE FRIDAY! Free 20 oz. coffee with purchase of Breakfast Sandwich every Friday.

There’s NO PLACE like...

8% Easter decorations taking over retailers shelves

Dad’s Place

92% None, it’s like 10º outside!!

23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info Dunno, but losing a hand in poker seems like a pretty steep price to pay for a card game.

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I'd like to be considered priceless, just not on Antiques Roadshow.

Out ’n About with the Great Falls Model RR Club 2014 ExTRAINaganza

Colin, Russ, & Thomas Juergens

As Advertised Submitted by Thomas Hill

A few weeks after a young man had been employed; he was called into the Human Resources administrator's office. “What is the meaning of this?” the personnel officer asked. “When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I have discovered this is the first position You've ever held.”

“True,” the young man answered with a smile, “in your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination.”

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Almost that time

Joe Emery & Callan Hackett, Valerie Emery & Gavin Hackett

Learn how to defend yourself and your family!

Training & Education = Confidence Check our website & Facebook page for current & upcoming Classes!

NRA Certified Instruction

Education • Training • Confidence Don Mailhot NRA - Law Enforcement

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Bill Rousseau NRA - Law Enforcement

576-6961

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I pulled a tissue and 5 came out. For a brief, terrifying moment I felt like a clown.

Because Business Should Lead To Abundance

Business is no laughing matter (unless you’re Jimbo)

Business Quiz MATCH THE NAME

WITH THE BUSINESS

Lewis N. Clark

Mobility Heath Company

Rex Carr’s Academy

Arborists

S & M Amusements

Trek Company

Cane & Able

Puppet Shop

Floral & Hardy

Adult Vending Machine Co.

Howe, Dewey, Cheatam & Wynn

Driving School

Tree Wise Men

Boston Law Firm

Mary Annette’s

Flower Shop

That fun quiz was just to get you in the mood – to look at your business.

If you really look at YOU and YOUR BUSINESS, what do you see? Are there changes/improvements you need to make? If you have had these challenges for a while; working too hard, managing time, cash, people or the work itself, Please give us a call. You know your business better than anybody!

WE ARE BUSINESS COACHES – LET US HELP YOU MAKE IT GREAT!!

Kurk Lalemand, Business Coach; Erna Koch, CPBC; Rose Creps, Financial Analyst

NEXTLevelBusinessCoaching.biz 207-754-2003 Because Business Should Lead To Abundance

Out ’n About with Community Credit Union at the Poker Run

You want to know who the perfect man is? Mr. Coffee.

Just trying to stay warm, folks.

Schrep’s A stop on the Poker Run

That’s some great looking American Fruit, if you know what I mean.

They should invent a snooze button that hits back.

Out ’n About with Community Credit Union at the Poker Run Kerry Wood & Rich Stanton Food prep

A royal straight flush is my kind of poker run!

50/50 Winner

Andrew Lunn, Laurie Pelletier, Betsy Sibley & Brianna Lunn

with Kerry Wood

Ticket Sellers

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Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.

The trouble with ignorance is it picks up confidence as it goes along.

Little Tommy Submitted by Jimbo

Call Us For Your Excavation & Road Work

Commercial or Residential FREE QUOTES

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784.8293 or 576.4714

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We hope you’ll use our advertisers first when you’re shopping.

Keeping business local keeps them in business and advertising with us!

Tim Rucker Marketing Consultant @ Uncle Andy’s Digest

We Finance!

Tax Time Savings!

Bring Your Tax Return & Select the Vehicle of Your Choice!

733 Sabattus St. Lewiston 777-7200 • 866-264-7685 • ThriftyCarMart.com

I have a hidden talent... I wish I could find it.

Little Tommy asked the teacher to help him get his shoes on at the end of a busy day. After quite a struggle with the shoes, which were a little tight, Tessa finally got them on.

“They're on the wrong feet, Miss Tessa,” mumbled Little Tommy.

She realizes that he is right; they are on the wrong feet. Staying calm she swaps them over for him.

“They're not my shoes, Miss Tessa,” Little Tommy murmurs again.

Tessa fights hard to keep her cool and asks Little Tommy why he hadn't told her before.

She then kneels down again and helps him pull the shoes off.

“These aren't my shoes, they're my brother's and Mom told me not to tell anyone.”

At this point Tessa can feel tears coming. She helps him back into his shoes. She gets him into his coat and wraps his scarf round his neck.

“Where are your gloves, Little Tommy?” asks Tessa quietly.

“Oh, Miss Tessa, I always put them in my shoes!”

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Creative Definitions

Technically, a slippery slope is the path of least resistance.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

ADULT A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR A place where women curl up and dye.

375-4188 Saturday Nights

CANNIBAL Someone who is fed up with people.

Mixers is the

CHICKENS The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF Cold Storage.

Night spot around!

Friday Nights 3/6

Bob Marley $20 Tickets 3/13 The Veggies 3/20 DJ Retro 80’s 3/27 4 Play GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR IRISH SIDE A holiday so great we celebrate it twice!

Sunday Nights

INFLATION Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN Grape with a sunburn.

All Your Favorites Songs from the 60’s, 70’s & 80’s

(continued on next page)

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I could be a morning person. If morning started around noon.

(continued from previous page)

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

L

K

Don’t spend $18+ at the beauty salon, get your...

SECRET Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

Mens & Boys CUTS for $

12

TOOTHACHE The pain that drives you to extraction.

All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.

Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts

Marcel’s Barber Shop

TOMORROW One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

54 Mill Street, New Auburn • 783-3444 OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm

YAWN An honest opinion openly expressed.

Out ’n About with the Great Falls Model RR Club 2014 ExTRAINaganza WRINKLES Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

Most Wanted Submitted by Thomas Hill

Laura & Doug Twitchell

Lois & Andy Raynes

Rol lod ro me ULE WINTER SCHED

7:30-10pm ts - Ages 20+ Thursday Nigh 30 - 10:00 - All Skating 7: Friday Nights 4pm nday - 1:30 Saturday & Su t 7:30 - 10pm gh Ni ts - Family Saturday Nigh 30 - 10pm - All SK8 • 7: Sunday Night

Available for private parties

Since 1954

Where Good Skaters Meet

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940

www.rollodrome.com

My Labrador Retriever has yet to retrieve a single Labrador.

Little Timmy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”

Little Timmy asked, “Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?”

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Out ’n About with the Great Falls Model RR Club 2014 ExTRAINaganza

I have been on Facebook for a little over two years now. I think it's time I tried to stand up and see if my legs still work.

“Studies Show...

Morale Drastically Improves

With Office Furniture!”

– Jack McCracken Motivational Office Furniture Guru

Hayden Angell Engineering my next trip.

Is your office in need of an upgrade?

Whether you just ne ed a new office chair or a complete office redesign,

Hayden Angell

Stop in a nd talk to the PR EMIER Office So lutions Speciali sts in th e state!

Se e us first!

John Visco Q: What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?

A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

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783-7039

550 Lisbon Street in the Pepperell Mill, Lewiston (former Sherm Arnolds Flooring & Kitchen) • www.cubiclesinmaine.com

783-4820 or 1-866-464-CUBE On my first day of school, my parents dropped me at the wrong nursery.

There I was... surrounded by bushes and trees.

Rule of thumb: Never hit it with a hammer.

Pick a Proven Winner Choosing a Real Estate Agent can be difficult.

Choose one with a proven track record!

Rollie Heckethorn: • Licensed in Real Estate since 1988 • Assisting buyers & sellers of residential, commercial & investment properties all over the state of Maine

Rollie Heckethorn 207-344-0007

www.DunhamRealty.com • Office: 207-729-7297 Sometimes, I question my sanity. Sometimes, it replies.

Don't get me started. I don't come with brakes.

Submitted by Jimbo

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

• 2014 AVBOR Realtor of the Year

Well ver s in home ed buyer program s.

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Easy Money

"Fishing," replied the old man.

"Poor old fool," thought the gentleman. So he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

hand if this

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their drinks, the gentleman asked, "And how many have you caught?"

can’t come

"You're the eighth."

Raise your

soon enough!

Math Class Submitted by Thomas Hill

The math teacher saw that Daphne wasn't paying attention in class. She called on her and said, “Daphne!

What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”

Daphne quickly replied, “ABC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!”

If at first you succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

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If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

A PRESIDENTIAL Brain Teaser Christine Cote, Owner of Chrissy’s Down Home Cleaning Chrissy’s Down Home Cleaning not only makes homes shine, but helps local women battling cancer in their community! When several family members were diagnosed with cancer, this local business owner decided she needed to “help those in her community undergoing tough times during their fight against cancer,” according to Christine. Her goal is to do whatever it takes to support women and their families as they focus on spending time together rather than their homes.

That’s when Chrissy’s Down Home Cleaning partnered with Cleaning For A Reason, a non-profit foundation that helps women battling cancer. Chrissy’s has agreed to provide free cleaning services for two women per month for four consecutive months, free of charge.

Since 2006, Cleaning For A Reason has donated over 13,000 free cleanings to women battling cancer.

They utilize a network of over 1,000 residential cleaning services in the United States and Canada, which have donated over $3,500,000 worth of services. To learn more about Cleaning For A Reason, visit their website: cleaningforareason.org.

For more info, see Chrissy’s ad on page 47.

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To successfully complete this puzzle, you'll need to select the correct letter for each of the nine clues.

Note: There will be several possible answers for each clue.

You'll need to select the right combination of letters to spell the two-word answer.

For an extra challenge, we've also included a trivia question.

Logical Letters that spell the name of something that has been very important for almost every past U.S. President.

Answers are on page 46. But at least give it a shot first!

Used by permission www.spelling-words-well.com

It was all so different before everything changed.

People like criticism; just keep it positive and flattering.

FREE Donut with ANY Purchase

Donut Special Every Friday Buy 1 dozen donuts at regular price ($7.50) and get the 2nd dozen at half price! $ Mon. 6am-noon Tues-Fri 6am-3pm

with coupon *In-store only expires 3.31.15

11.25 for both

784-7042 161 Lincoln St. • Lewiston

www.labadiesbakery.com

It's OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound.

Cat & Mouse Submitted by Jimbo

Out ’n About with Community Credit Union at the Poker Run

A woman answered the doorbell with a man standing on her porch.

The man said, "I'm terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat and I would like to replace it for you."

The woman replied, "Well that's alright with me, but how are you at catching mice?"

Ladies, don’t you just feel like reflecting right now?

A man said to his friend, "Want to hear a joke about butter?"

His friend said, "Sure."

Laurie Pelletier, Michelle St. Hilaire, Audrey Allaire, Kerry Wood & Amy Duquette The Dinner Crew

Worry kills more people than work because more people worry than work.

The man said, "Nah, I butter not tell you. You might spread it."

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Out ’n About with Community Credit Union at the Poker Run Uncle Moe is my second favorite Uncle... right after Uncle Andy.

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

PROTECTING What You Love.

What You Do. ish..

What You Cher

232 Center St., Auburn

786-0417 VarneyAgency.com

Ava Dube won $50 to Uncle Moe’s Diner

Appetizer

Mon.-Fri. 8am-4:30pm Kerrie Robbins

Commercial Insurance Specialist

commercial

home

auto

recreational

umbrella

life health

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Submitted by Tim Rucker

Jimbo & Thomas get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there.

A few minutes later, Thomas starts to laugh uncontrollably. Jimbo can't believe it!

He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive!

They're gonna eat us!

What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

Thomas says, "I just peed in the soup."

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March 2015

783-7039

Get Your Green On! All Leprechauns Eat at the Village Inn! Sat. March 7th 6-9pm Shock Top Pints $ 3.50 Glass Give-A-Ways & Prizes!

Luck O’ Irish will land on you when you make the Village Inn a regular jaunt!

Village Inn, 165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 Open Tuesday - Sunday • villageinnmaine.com Everyone has a soft side. Many people spend too much time sitting on theirs.

Money Maker

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Submitted by Thomas Hill

*March Special* Hair Detox $35.00

How Old You Are is Your Business...

How You Look

Young is Our Business!

Michelle Higgins, Lynn Norris & Peg Montoya Stylist

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Stylist

Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, “Just think, Bob, we are $12.00 richer because I washed this dress by hand.”

Tues – Thurs 9am - 7pm; Fri 9am - 5pm; Sat 9am - 12pm

232 Center St, Auburn (next to Play It Again Sports)

753-9368 My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

Signs of the Times

My mother had decided to trim the household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand.

“Good,” my dad quickly replied. “Wash it again.”

Look Out L/A I’m BAAAAAAACK!

Tracy Draper I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

rejoins the marketing world and also rejoins the staff at Uncle Andy’s Digest! So look out L/A, she’s coming to get you!!

50 Shades of Golf

A fool is a 27 story window-washer who steps back to admire his work.

Submitted by Jim Benson

Everyone is a . . . h s i r I e l t t i L

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St. Andrews for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

when eating a Heidi’s Corned Beef Sandwich or Reuben!

Jack's golf buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St. Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

“Well, I've been here since last night...

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?’ I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.”

Our Bread is Baked from Scratch Daily!

600 Turner Street, Auburn • 784-3434 • heidisauburn.com

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

Out ’n About with the Great Falls Model RR Club 2014 ExTRAINaganza

“She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey.”

“On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

Brandon Draghi, Connor Weston & Eileen Heidrich

It’s jaw dropping amazing to see all the publicity the Digest has given the RR Club!

(continued on next page)

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March 2015

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The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

(continued from previous page)

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

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She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

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When Dad came home he was astonished to see Vic sitting on a horse, writing something.

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“What on earth are you doing there?” he asked.

“Well, the teacher told us to write an essay on our favorite animal.”

Answered Vic. “That's why I'm here and that's why Sara's sitting in the goldfish bowl.”

Rivalry Submitted by Thomas Hill

An Irishman is walking through a field when he sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

Paddy shouts "Na ol an t-uisce, ta lan de chac bo" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow manure.)

The man shouts back "I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you."

Paddy replies "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with March 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 23

Out ’n About with the Great Falls Model RR Club 2014 ExTRAINaganza

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

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77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • SarahJeannes.com

Kendall Mathieu Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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March 2015

783-7039

795-6778 Fools rush in where fools have been before.

Androscoggin Dental Group adds Dentist

A ship's captain is a sails manager.

Dr. Nicholas C. Armellino, DDS

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Is there an app to delete your number out of other people's phones yet?

Androscoggin Dental Group of 488 Sabattus Street in Lewiston is proud to announce that Nicholas C. Armellino, DDS, has joined their dental team.

During his 30-year professional career, Dr. Nicholas Armellino has been providing dental care to patients through his private practice in Brooklyn, NY and a community dental facility in Bath, ME. He also was a clinical professor at New York University School of Dentistry.

Dr. Armellino is presently serving as a member on the Sagadahoc County Board of Health. Dr. Armellino’s expertise in all phases of dentistry will be a great fit to the Androscoggin Dental Group team.

You can reach Dr. Armellino or anyone on their team at their Lewiston office at 488 Sabattus St, call 783-8800 or visit them online: androscoggindentalgroup.com.

See their ad on the front cover and take advantage of their $88 New Patient special.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with March 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 25

Comparisons Submitted by Jimbo

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

IN PRISON: You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK: You spend the majority of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON: You get three meals a day.

AT WORK: You only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON: You get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK: You get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON: The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK: You must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON: You can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON: They allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK: You can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON: All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.

AT WORK: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. (continued on next page)

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March 2015

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It's not that I can't live without you... it's just that I don't even want to try.

(continued from previous page)

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

IN PRISON: You must deal with sadistic wardens.

AT WORK: They are called managers.

Rolly’s Diner Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

Q: How do astronomers organize a party?

A: They Planet

• Unusual Omelettes • Crepes • Breakfast All Day • Extensive Menu 87 Mill St. New Auburn 753-0171 (for take-out)

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

If I drove a fire breathing dragon instead of a car, I wouldn't spend so much time stuck in traffic.

A: I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

I’m not perfect... but I’m so close it scares me!

Claire Young, Diane Beaulieu & Paul Roy

A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.

Rolly’s food is perfection!

Q: Why is England the wettest country?

Speaking Before Thinking Submitted by Jimbo

NEW AUBURN SOCIAL CLUB 7 SECOND ST. AUBURN • 782-9039

Luck O’ the Irish!

Join Us: St. Patty’s Day Dinner Sat. March 14th • 4-6pm Donations Appreciated

Finishing her remarks, she told the folks, "I apologize for crying so much. I'm usually not such a big boob."

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During a church meeting one evening, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears.

Reminder

:

Dues is d ue by March 31 , 2015

Moms are like therapists who don't care if you don't have insurance.

The Reverend rose to close the session and remarked, "That's okay. We like big boobs."

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with March 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 27

Splitting Hairs

The best way to lose weight is by skipping... Snacks and dessert.

Submitted by Jimbo

The chief of staff of the Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in a recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

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Out ’n About at Mac’s Grill Super Bowl Party

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general turns to his aide and says, "Sign him up -- all the paper work done, everything, do it today!" The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills (continued on next page)

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Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.

(continued from previous page)

I broke a light bulb today. Is that seven years of bad ideas?

Auburn Exchange Club’s 39th Annual Twin Cities

GUN SHOW SAT. MARCH 28th 9-4 SUN. MARCH 29th 9-3

can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need woodchoppers in the Air Force. What else do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me. We don't need woodchoppers; this is the 21st century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "But he's a pilot!"

at the

Lewiston Armory

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "I HAVE to chop it before he can pile it!"

Central Ave., Lewiston

Well Done

Dealers from throughout d New Englan

OPEN TO THE PUBLIC • 250 Tables of Guns & Related Items • Firearm Laws Will Be Observed • CONTEMPORARY & ANTIQUE GUNS OF ALL KINDS • KNIVES & OTHER RELATED ITEMS

Admission: Adults: $8 Children under 12: Free with adult Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

Submitted by Thomas Hill

Kevin was furious when his steak arrived cooked too rare.

“Waiter,” Kevin shouted, “Didn't you hear me say ‘well done?’”

“Of course I did sir, I can't thank you enough, sir,” replied the waiter.

“I hardly ever get a compliment.”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with March 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 29

CA LL TH E P R O S Gamache & Lessard Custom Decorators

FREE Cordless Upgrades on Cellular Shades Thru 3.31.15

e-mail: info@GamacheLessard.com www.windowdecorators.com

995 Center St. Auburn • 782-0052

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Bookkeeping Plus

1761 Lisbon Road, Lewiston

Specializing in Straight Razor Blade Cuts & Hot Lather Shaves

(next to the Elks Lodge)

956-1793 Hours: Tues & Thurs 10am-7pm Wed & Fri 10am-5pm Sat 10am-1pm

QuickBooks Classes Offered Bookkeeping Services 9 Grove Street, Auburn • 782-8124

The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I've forgotten where I was going.

I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I'm a hunter-gatherer.

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Out ’n About with Mac’s Grill Employees at Legends Sports Bar My dad is the best!

See store for details

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Gerry Gagne with his daughter,

Danielle

1525 Minot Ave, Auburn • 795-7222 • poolbuildersofmaine.com Found out at today's staff meeting that I have sleep apnea.

Located in the building behind Dad’s Place

Hours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm (closed Tuesdays & Major Holidays)

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Dad’s Redemption

Danielle, Gerry & Michelle Gagne For a Healthy Smile, take advantage of that special on page 30.

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UAD expires 3.31.15

Congratulations on your gold medal in the conclusion jump.

Paul Beland & Lisa-Marie Sasseville Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with March 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 31

On Time

Your lights are on but I see someone's been playing with your dimmer switch.

Submitted by Jimbo

The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the flight attendant.

"Stewardess," he said happily, "I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time. It's not often that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will. I'm going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am."

"Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered, "but I think you should know--this is yesterday's flight."

Q: Why did the scarecrow get promoted?

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A: Because he was outstanding in his field.

Q: What did the banana say to the doctor?

A: "I'm not peeling very well."

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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March 2015

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675 Main Street, Lewiston Mon – Fri 8am - 5pm; Sat 9am - 4pm

ShermArnoldsOutlet.com

782-0831 Children are a great comfort in your old age. And they help you get there faster, too.

When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.

Out ’n About at Mac’s Grill Super Bowl Party Photos take by our part-time paparazzi, Pam Ashby

Laura

Maybe I should just start feeding the puppy wood furniture.

JT Reid’s Gun Show & Auction

Lynn Doucette

Saturday April 11th 9am - 4pm Sunday April 12th 9am - 2pm Elks Lodge, 108 Odlion Road in Bangor

Gun Show - $5/per person Auction - Sat. at 6pm (Under 16 & Active Military FREE)

Concealed Firearms Prohibited even with permit

Maine Law Enforcement Confiscated Firearms and Estate Firearms*

*Now Accepting Personal & Estate Firearms for Auction.

Call JT Reids Gun Shop 777-3579 • 86 Court St. Auburn • jtreidsgunshop.com

I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.

Mike Wing, Ashley Davis, Linda & Craig Davis Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with March 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 33

Helping Out

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” – Steven Wright

Submitted by Jimbo

For a while my husband and I had opposite schedules.

Lunch Rails Pulled Pork Sandwich $10

He worked during the day, and I worked at night.

One morning I noticed he had left a note to himself on the kitchen counter that read, "STAMPS!" As a helpful surprise, I bought him some at the post office and put them on the counter before going to work.

The next morning I found the same note.

Pulled pork tossed in house made BBQ sauce w/ provolone & fried shallots

Join Us Foodie Tuesdays - Specials Wednesday Hump Day Happy Hour 4-7pm $2 Domestic Beers $4 Well Drinks Thirsty Thursday Ladies Night 1/2 priced drinks Reserve our function room for your next party or event!

• Locally Owned • Thoughtfully Sourced • Made from Scratch • Maine Craft Artisans

Croque Monsieur $10 Ham, bechamel and provolone grilled on locally sourced potato roll with a parmesan crust

Bates Burger $10 Classic 8 oz burger w/ provolone, lettuce, tomato, onion

Add local goat cheese $4 bacon $3 avocado $2

The Gateway Grill $10 Grilled chicken breast w/ boursin cheese, apple cranberry chutney, & mixed greens tossed in house dressing

Veggie Burger $12 Grilled portobello w/ roasted red pepper aioli,tomato, red onion,goat cheese & mixed greens in house vinaigrette

Cavatappi and Cheese $ 8 Cavatappi pasta w/ cream sauce & a mixture of cheeses

Add chicken $ 5 sausage $4

103 Lincoln Street, Lewiston • 333-3070 • RailsMaine.com Tues., Wed., Thurs.11am - 8pm; Friday & Saturday 11am - 10pm • Closed Sunday & Monday

"STAMPS!" was crossed out.

Underneath it he had written, "ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"

“Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.” – Mitch Hedberg

Confidence can be Fragile

Matt, I’d prefer a Croque Monsieur sandwich... see above!

J. Paul Getty was one of the wealthy men who frequently came to watch Jack Dempsey train. Himself a keen amateur boxer, he asked to be allowed to spar for a round with the champion.

Getty put up quite a creditable performance until he made the mistake of saying, "Hit me a little harder, Jack."

Dempsey knocked him out.

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United Way & the Digest... kind of like peanut butter and jelly

Matt Shaw & Jimbo United Way & Uncle Andy’s Digest

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield

RETAIL • WHOLESALE • REDEMPTION • LIQUOR STORE 5 Locations for Your Convenience

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Since 1992 Dr. McGillicuddy’s 750ml Selected Varieties

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Save $6

694 Main St. Lewiston • 782-1482

794 Sabattus St. Lewiston • 783-6353

1420 Lisbon St. Lewiston • 333-3095

545 Minot Ave. Auburn • 783-2047

303-311 Main St. Auburn • 783-9098

“I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.” – Ben Bailey

Ding Dong Submitted by Jimbo

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE

We had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into our new house in town.

FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983

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Early the next morning, a Saturday, our 3 1/2year-old ran into our bedroom to wake us up.

OUR TIRES

Happy St. Patty’s Day!!

I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering us.

We can do it: • Wheel alignment & balancing • Complete brake work • Engine tune-up • Lube-oil-filter • State Inspections

About 20 minutes later, he came running back.

"Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "everybody has doorbells - and they all work."

60 Minot Ave., Auburn • 782-6666 or 783-2026

“Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence.” – Vince Lombardi

Join us for some Affordable FUN! $

10 up to 48 cards - Games pay $50 - $100 Sunday at 6:00PM Wed., Thurs, & Friday at 6:30PM

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THOMAS BAUER, DDS, MS 1 Willow Run, Mt. Auburn Ave, Auburn

784-8587 or (888) 895-6801 AndroscogginOrtho.com Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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March 2015

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743-3891

The word at the barbershop is mostly hair-say.

Join Us to Celebrate Maine Restaurant Week!

Special Menu Pricing March 1st - 14th

E VE R Y MO

o f f B NDAY ! u 30% rge rs & O ALL d f f raf t s

20%

MARCH MADNESS! Come watch your favorite sporting event with us! 11 TV’s 16 Beers on Tap & Full Menu Available All the Time!

Join Us for some St. Patty’s Day Cheer!

Mac’s Grill 1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn

783-6885

NEVER iron a 4-leaf clover... because you don’t want to press your luck.

macsgrill.com

Patriot Award On Monday, February 7th Mac’s Grill closed for some “maintenence”. Being so busy through the holiday season they decided to have their employee appreciation party at Legend’s Sports Bar that same evening.

All 45 employees knew a big surprise was going to happen that night. The owners, however, didn’t have a clue.

Lisa-Marie Sasseville, a part-time employee at Mac’s and also in the U.S. Navy Reserves, nominated the owners, Gerry Gagne, Dave Gagne & Mike Peters, for the Patriot Award.

This award was presented

by Lisa-Marie and Peter Brunette from the Employer Support of the Guard and Reserve (ESGR), a Department of Defense Agency. Recognizing American employers who support and value the military service of their employees.

Mac’s Grill has two employees who serve in the Reserves.

The boys of Mac’s annually give free burgers to veterans on Veterans Day. They also donate food to the VFW Halls for their monthly breakfast. Not to mention feeding the local reserves on their weekends of service at big discounts.

Gerry Gagne, one of the three owners of Mac’s, is a veteran himself.

Lisa-Marie Sasseville told UAD, “The owners are completely understanding of our obligations and work our schedule around what we need to do for the Reserve. I felt strongly about nominating them for the Patriot Award.

They are great assets to the Veteran community and the community in general. Gerry, Mike and Dave are great people to work for and care very much about their employees wellbeing.”

Congratulations on a very deserving award, guys! We hope you enjoy some of the pictures taken that night in this month’s Digest!

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March 2015

783-7039

My mind’s made up, don’t confuse me with facts.

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$

20 OFF

Any chemical services with Kelly D. or Camille

Ann

Kelly

Sue

Lysa

Kelly D.

Camille

Expires 03-31-15

14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A Highland Spring Road, Lewiston • 786-4311

We are a full service salon!

Tues. Wed. & Thu. 6am - 8pm • Fri. 8am - 3pm • Sat. 8am - 1pm

If nothing was learned, nothing was taught.

Out ’n About with Mac’s Grill

Mike Peters, Gerry Gagne, Dave Gagne, Lisa-Marie Sasseville & Paul Brunette

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

"Every mile is two in winter." – George Herbert

Out ’n About with Mac’s Grill Employees at Legends Sports Bar

Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities

Service Rental Sales

Do not neglect your Septic System For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.

CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT

G.A. DOWNING CO., INC. 111 Woodman Hill RD Minot, ME 04258 207.782.4508 800.924.4500

Gerry Gagne & Paul Beland do some serious taste testing

We carry risers, covers, baffle replacements, septic additives.

Melissa, stop stalking the Uncle Andy’s paparazzi!

I'm not crazy; my mother had me tested.

How’s this for a thumbs up, Tim?

Sherry, Matt & Melissa Let's just enjoy the time that's hours.

A Maine Tradition You Can Count On! • • • • •

It’s hard to be witty with a camera in your face...

Happy Hour 3-6pm daily 14 Beers on Tap & Full Bar Daily Specials Open Mic on Wednesday Nights Live Music on Friday Nights

64 Lewiston Road, Gray 657-4714 • ColeFarms.com A bad day of ice-fishing is still better than a good day at work.

Kerry Landry & Dave Gagne right on cue

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with March 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 39

Out ’n About with Community Credit Union at the Annual Poker Run

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile.

I tried, but they wanted cash.

Sudoku Puzzle for March 2015 (Level: Intermediate) Hints on page 42. Answers on page 49.

Congrats on Worst Hand ($250) to

Jamie Bisson, pictured with Kerry Wood

Congrats to ($500) 2nd Place Winner,

Sue Levesque

Melanie Dube Melanie had the Best Hand, she donated the entire $1,000 to the Sabattus Mountaineers Snowmobile Club.

The Signs

Are Everywhere Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

40

March 2015

783-7039

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

Out ’n About with Mac’s Grill Employees at Legends Sports Bar

Don't let success go to your head: Don't let failure go to your heart.

Sudoku Hints Puzzle on page 40.

Mike Peters, Gerry Gagne & Dave Gagne Owners of Mac’s Grill receive their PATRIOTIC EMPLOYER Awards (see page 38)

Blind Date Submitted by Thomas Hill

“Hi Sarah, listen I only have a minute. I’m about to get picked up for a blind date, can you call me in a half hour just in case it’s going bad? Yes? Ok great! Talk soon.”

Raquel gave herself a quick spray of perfume, checked herself out one more time in the mirror, and headed outside to wait for the guy.

Sure enough after twenty minutes on her blind date, Raquel was discreetly checking her watch. After ten more long minutes her phone finally buzzed. Raquel listened for a few seconds, grimly pursed her lips, and turned to her date, “I feel terrible, but my Grandmother is terribly sick, and I must go home now.”

“No problem!” said her date with a big grin, “in a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over!”

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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It's so cold outside, I actually saw a teenager pull his pants up.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

Out ’n About at Mac’s Grill Super Bowl Party Photos take by our part-time paparazzi, Pam Ashby

Pat & Cheryl

Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.

Michelle Thomas & Cliff Hammond

TOUCHDOWN!

TC, it was fantastic seeing the Pats win ring #4.

Now it’s time for the Red Sox to do it again!

Tom “TC” Caron & Dave Gervais Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Muriel LeClerc Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with March 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 43

Liver and Cheese Submitted by Thomas Hill

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are hanging out, when a great looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have a date with me."

There is a thin line between madness and genius. I use that line as a jump rope.

We’re Your “Pot of Gold!”

Loan Headquarters

Great Falls

Federal Credit Union

March Madness • Low Rates • Low Payments • Extended Terms • One Hour Loans

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."

Restrictions & qualification apply

Two convenient locations:

34 Bates St, Lewiston • 782-7192 760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500

The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

GreatFallsfcu.com

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."

She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion.

He said okay, you’re ugly, too.

The Mac’s Grill Girls

Caught Red Handed Submitted by Thomas Hill

Mr Harris, the 3rd grade teacher asked, 'George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.

Now, Iris, do you know why his father didn't punish him?'

Iris replied, 'Because George still had the axe in his hand?'

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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Your hair is so soft... what kind of conditioner do you use?

That’s right peeps, Mac’s Grill has got it going on!

Martha, Nancy, Tracy, Alicia, Melissa, Sherry, Dalia, Meaghan & Katie

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

Plan ahead - It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

March Madness Ring Sizing Special

$AVE 30 $

Since 1914

.00

(or more)

Now Only $10.00 *w/ ad

Limit 1 Ring per coupon - 1 size up, any # downsize

Out ’n About at Jasmine Cafe for a Thai Street Food Event Jasmine Cafe hosted this tasty event with Thai food prepared in an authentic Thai setting. From Thai dancers and Thai music.

Noodle and rice dishes, plus finger foods and desserts. Jasmine hopes to offer a similar event every three months.

Photos supplied by Jasmine Cafe.

*Some exclusions apply. Auburn Store only. Expires 4.2.15

600 Center St. • Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn • 784-6766 • www.DaysJewelers.com

Class trip to the Coca-Cola plant today. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Enter our St. Patty’s Photo Contest!

Photos to submit: • You in green • You with your Lucky Charm • Your child or pet in green

Get your friends and family to vote for your pic!

Photo with the most votes wins!!

• You & your sweetheart out ’n about on St. Patty’s Day

Go to our Facebook page to enter! facebook.com/UncleAndysDigest

WINNER gets a $50 gift card to Mac’s Grill I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with March 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 45

Out ’n About at Mac’s Grill Super Bowl Party Photos take by our part-time paparazzi, Pam Ashby

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

Any Make... Any Model... Any Problem...

NO PROBLEM! • Appointments required • Fully warranteed & certified • $60/hr labor rate

Brad’s Precision Auto 144 Riverside Dr., Auburn

We love power tools!

333-0364

Brad’s mechanics: (front) Dan & Mallory (back) Marek, Eli & John

The best Super Bowl I’ve ever seen! What an ending!!

A PRESIDENTIAL Brain Teaser Answers to puzzle on page 18.

Did you figure out the answer?

Puzzle Answer: FIRST LADY

Fred Hammond Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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March 2015

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Extra Challenge Answer: James Buchanan has been the only single U.S. President to date.

If procrastination was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later.

Out ’n About at Jasmine Cafe for a Thai Street Food Event

I've been running as fast as I can, but I still can't catch my breath.

GREEN & CLEAN We are your cleaning solution!

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Call Chrissy TODAY!

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Out ’n About at Jasmine Cafe for a Thai Street Food Event

Yesterday, I went golfing and got a hole in one. Sorry about your windshield.

Come see us at our NEW Location!

We’re now at 61 Mill Street in New Auburn (in the old Pontbriand Hardware building)

Walk-ins Welcome

hwilliamsbarber.com

740-6316

$

10 CUTS

61 Mill Street, New Auburn • 783-6927 or 1-800-834-5706 Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4 • MySelco.com

184 Turner St. Auburn (Next to Coastal T-shirts)

I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!

Hours: Tue. Wed. Fri. 8-4 Thurs. 8-5 • Sat. 8-12

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with March 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 47

Out ’n About at Mac’s Grill Super Bowl Party

The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.

Photos take by our part-time paparazzi, Pam Ashby

Why do I smell steak?

Wait for it...

You got mood poisoning?

It must be something you hate.

Another Touch Down!

AWESOME!

Parker & Colleen Adams and Jamie & Katie Burnett Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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March 2015

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If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions."

Out ’n About at Mac’s Grill Super Bowl Party

I like to be laid back: it's just how I'm inclined.

✃

FREE Movement Limit one per person.

Call for details.

Expires 3.31.15

Assessment in March

Photos take by our part-time paparazzi, Pam Ashby

Boy, that’s a lot of candles...

Call us TODAY!lad

eg You’ll b id!! you d

At his age he might need some help...

Group Classes One-on-One Training Nutrition Services Team Training

272 Lewiston St., Mechanic Falls • 577-5979 • Prime360Training.com

BJ Grondin, CSCS

Wanna hear a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it.

Lowercase letters: just like uppercase letters, but without the drama.

Gerry Gagne

It’s a great day for golf!

Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

I could do great things if I weren't so busy doing little things.

As I watched the dog chase his tail, I thought, "Dogs are easily amused."

Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail. – Richard Collins

celebrated his Birthday on Super Bowl Sunday

Sudoku Answers Puzzle on page 40.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with March 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 49

I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect".

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

50

March 2015

783-7039

In the word "scent" is it the s that is silent or the c?

Gassed

The Lone Ranger woke to see his tent blown away by a tornado. He declared, "Tonto, we’re not in canvas anymore."

Submitted by Jimbo

“I never go there,” the girl shouted back.

“They don’t have full service.”

Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?

Q: What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed?

Q: What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?

A: Spare ribs

UncleAndys.com • editor@UncleAndys.com

“How come you didn’t turn in?” he yelled.

A: Oh Sheet!

I split my favorite pants.

RIP.

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a filling station.

A: A stamp

All of the above with one phone call!

207-783-7039

The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her.

“I’m out of gas,” she purred. “Could you push me to the gas station?”

I told my wife “You don’t have a monopoly on being right.”

Now she also has monopolies on sleeping in our bed and watching our TV. Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with March 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 51

"Our job is to love others, not wonder whether or not they deserve it."

– Thomas Merton

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special, sir," he replied.

WINTER IS

STILL HERE!

We are a professional collision repair and painting facility.

All work is guaranteed! Free estimates!

"We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

Q: What do computers eat for a snack?

COLLISION REPAIR & PAINTING 1111 Center Street, Auburn 782-6515

Tasha Pelletier, Model

A: Microchips

Out ’n About at Mac’s Grill Super Bowl Party

At least one of us had the right jersey on.

We have a pretty great team ourselves!

Gerry Gagne, Mike Peters & Michelle Gagne

Just the Facts The cops came to my door today to say that my dog was chasing someone on a bike, but I told them they had the wrong house because my dog doesn't own a bike!

Sandy, Danny & Tim

NEW LOOK - Same Great Service Now Offering Remote Starters Call for Pricing & Appointment Today!

Q: How do trees access the internet?

A: They log in.

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

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March 2015

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183 Lisbon Street, Lisbon • 353-9862 • QualityCareAutoRepair.com "If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die?"

– Chickens

Job Security

"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.

Just Darn Good Deals

Submitted by Thomas Hill

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes.

On one he finds the words "open me first," and the others are numbered one to three.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: ‘These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third.’

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike.

The company closes, and is losing money fast.

$

1,000. OFF

Any Inground or Above Ground Pool

✃

Call to schedule your Spring installation!

Expires 3.31.15 (UAD)

Pool Builders of Maine Quality Workmanship, Outstanding Service poolbuildersofmaine.com 1525 Minot Ave. Auburn • 795-7222

$

20. OFF

Any Chemical Services with Kelly D. or Camille

✃

Limit one per customer per visit.

Expires 3.31.15 (UAD)

786-4311 14 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston

5 OFF

✃

✃

Early evening & Saturday appointments available!

2 Main Street, Sabattus • 375-8502

6¢

on all 5¢ returns (must present coupon at

✃ Redemption Center prior to counting) Expires 3.31.15 (UAD)

DAD’S PLACE REDEMPTION 23 Pleasant St. McFalls • 345-5551

$

1. OFF

$10 or more. 10% OFF total bill.

✃

Expires 3.31.15 (UAD)

Breakfast or Lunch. Limit one per customer per visit.

Expires 3.31.15 (UAD)

Dental Hygiene & Wellness

Egg-ceptional Restaurant

137 East Ave, Lewiston • 241-0667

So he opens the first one and it says: ‘Blame me, your predecessor for every thing.’

Stop by our showroom and enter to win!

Expires 3.31.15 (UAD) No Purchas Necessary e

$

Limit one per customer per visit.

Expires 3.31.15 (UAD)

Sabattus Main Street Market

10% OFF First Visit with ad

2 LARGE PIZZAS!

2 Large 1-topping pizzas $15.99 (Reg. $20.99)

New Patients Receive

After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the three envelopes.

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis

$

5 Pigeon Hill Rd, McFalls • 998-5577

Save $30.

250 GIFT CARD

✃

Ring Sizing Special

✃

Now Only $10.00

Limit 1 Ring per coupon - 1 size up, any # downsize *Some exclusions apply. Auburn Store only.

Expires 4.2.15 (UAD)

premierpoolsandspas.com 2010 Lisbon Rd, Lewiston • 782-1514

600 Center St, Auburn •784-6766

(continued on next page)

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say, "Hey, that one looks like an idiot!"

You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.

Just Darn Good Deals ✃

Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 3.31.15 (UAD)

He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, ‘Blame the government for everything.’

$ .00

5 OFF Reg. Oil Change

✃

$

10.00 OFF

Synthetic Oil Change Limit one per customer per visit. (UAD)

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.

Complete Auto Care

40 East Ave. Lewiston • 795-6888 Sea40me.com

147 East Ave, Lewiston • 782-1125 BerubesAutoCare.com

GROUP VALUE

Only

$

44.99

1.5 hours of Bowling, Shoe Rental, One 15” Cheese Pizza, Pitcher of Soda

Plus Applicable tax

✃

✃ Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 3.31.15 (UAD)

161 Lincoln St. Lewiston 784-7042 LabadiesBakery.com

1/2 PRICE PIZZA! ✃

Buy any small pizza, Get second @ 1/2 price!

(2nd pizza equal or lessor value) Not to be combined with other specials Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 3.31.15 (UAD)

Inside Lewiston Variety 145 College St, Lewiston • 786-0785

1/2 OFF DINNER ✃

Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 3.31.15 (UAD)

(up to 6 people) a $57.00 value Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 3.31.15 (UAD)

A month later the workers declare another strike.

The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, ‘Prepare four new envelopes.’

24 Mollison Way, Lewiston • 786-2695 Sparetimerec.com

FREE

$

50 Gift Card Drawing

Hot Pepper chopping advice

Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 3.31.15 UAD)

1. Do NOT rub your nose... but if you do and it starts to burn...

Lotions, Lingerie & Bedroom Accessories

2. DON'T put you finger in your nostril to rub it.

✃

No Purchase Necessary (Must be 18 years old)

Stop in to enter!

675 Main St, Lewiston • 804-615-7451

ONLY $

BUT IF YOU DO THEN

BY ALL MEANS...

5.00

✃

Expires 3.31.15 (UAD)

Dad’s Place at the Ramada 490 Pleasant St. Lewiston • 784-2331

comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.

A few months later, another strike hits.

OIL CHANGE SPECIAL

FREE DESSERT

(continued from previous page)

23 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info

There is a thin line between a long church service and a hostage situation.

3. DO NOT..."SNORT" WATER UP YOUR NOSE IN AN ATTEMPT TO RINSE THE JUICE OUT. Please don't ask me how I know... just trust me!

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with March 2015

Jimbo UncleAndys.com 55

Satisfaction Guaranteed • Free pickup & delivery Showroom quality • Call TODAY!

20% OFF

Mon.-Thurs. 7am-5pm Fri. by appointment

Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D. Dr. Chen and his staff are dedicated to providing a pleasant, stress-free visit with results that you will be proud to show off.

Visit us at our state of the art office at:

730 Center St • Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza

783-1351 Same Day Emergency Care

865 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 333-3004

Car Wash & Detail

We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider

LIQUID SUNSHINE

When you pre-book your appointment in March you get...

I wish my wallet came with free refills.

auburnplazafamilydentistry.com

Check out our NEWLY Designed website: UncleAndys.com