EDITED, DESIGNED AND WHATEVERED BY ADAM PETERS. PHOTOGRAPHS BY RENATE SCHWARZMÜLLER: FRONT
COVER // JOHN HESSE: PAGES 3 (MAIN PICS) & 5 // VINCIANE
PIÉRART AKA NSP 189: PAGES 4, 14 & 15 (G.WRECKS) // POGGS: PAGES 16 & 17 (SKIDMORE) // CHRIS
BELL: PAGE 3 (BOTTOM LEFT) // LOADS OF PEOPLE (SEE CREDITS IN EACH ISSUE): PAGES 9-12 // THANKS TO OUR INTERVIEWEES & PLEASE SUPPORT OUR ADVERTISERS – THEY MADE THIS MAG POSSIBLE!
DEC 1ST @ HAYWARDS HEATH
Brighton B 321-128 Bath B Brighton C 363-143 Paindeers
Hello and welcome to the final regular issue of Turn Left ever. You what? Check out the feature in the centre pages for details.
We’re going out with a bang, though. This is our biggest issue since the summer of 2015, largely thanks to some extra final issue advertisers. A couple of these have special discounts for our readers – check out their ads to find out more.
The extra pages mean that we could squeeze in a four-page retrospective, full previews of both of today’s games, the results of our Player of the Year awards, a selection of our favourite quotes, a timeline of A-team results and more... Yay!
Readers won’t know that often we have designed two different back page posters for an issue, then picked the one we thought worked best. Check out an unused example (featuring one of the biggest Rockers stars never to feature on our back page) below. See you online and on the bleachers... GO ROCKERS!
HOLLER IT OUT WITH CAKE OR DEATH & SHAMBOLIC
TURN LEFT’S FINAL MAIN INTERVIEW is also its drunkest. Not in terms of our interviewees, who arrive fresh from spin class (Cake) and Thai boxing (Sham) and are suitably healthy in their drink choices. No, it’s the interviewer who is several shades of blotto.
We’re a victim of circumstance here. The manager of Brighton’s new brewery bar Holler tipped us oﬀ a couple of weeks ago that they would have an 8.7% ABV imperial porter on for £4.50 per pint at some point. Just our luck that said drink arrives on the pumps the same day we’d arranged to interview a couple of Brighton Rockers in that very venue.
We’ve been testing it out like a connoiseur for much of the afternoon. By the time our interviewees arrive, Turn Left is shambling. This much becomes apparent when we try to transcribe the interview. Most of the recording seems to consist of us singing to ourselves. Good job it’s the last issue, really...
We kick off the final regular issue of Turn Left by chatting about the Brighton Rockers’ past, present and future with SHAMBOLIC and CAKE OR DEATH...
SINCE THE LAST ISSUE
Since it’s the last issue we’re going to be a bit feisty with our questions. Our first issue came out in March 2013 for an event that saw the first open door game of the Rockers’ original B-team, the Brighton Bruisers. That team only played a couple more games before disbanding, and the league ran for a while with only about a dozen fit skaters (not even a full A-team squad). Any particular reasons for that?
Shambolic: Some people retired, some were injured, some moved away, some just found other hobbies. Brighton is a very transient town anyway and there’s so much to do here.
If you live somewhere really boring, roller derby might be the only thing you have going on. Whereas in Brighton on a sunny summer evening, when
all your mates are drinking on the beach and there’s loads of events on, committing to spend the night in a sweaty sports hall is more of an undertaking.
Fair point. There are several, shall we say less glamorous, towns in Middle England that contain three or four derby leagues, for example. Having said that, the Rockers have gone from one extreme to the other in terms of player numbers. With the recent launch of your third team C-Side we’ve heard the league is now full up. Cake Or Death: We’re full up for now. We couldn’t have our usual winter Fresh Meat intake as we don’t have the capacity at present, but we should have later in the year. We’re going to be introducing more coaches to give people more time and energy to bring through another batch of Fresh Meat.
Sham: I think having a Cteam is great and has played a big role in keeping numbers up. Usually after Fresh Meat people jump up to the B-team, which can be really daunting. Turning Fresh Meat graduates into a ready made C-team is a much better way of doing things. They will develop together, eventually becoming the B-team as we bring through the next new C-team squad.
Looking at leagues which have a C-team, these tend to be the biggest leagues in the biggest cities. Is it a major jump for a league like the Rockers? Not really. We simply wanted people to be able to start playing games as soon as possible. We had enough of them to form a new team, so why not do that? It came about quite organically. We had all these people ready to start playing games and no space for them on the B-team, so the obvious solution was to start a new team. It’s better than having all these skaters and making them wait years and years to start playing games.
It’s reasonable to say crowds are down across UK derby, apart from the biggest tournaments and international games. Brighton’s crowds have held up better than a lot of leagues, but are still down by maybe half from when this magazine started. Is that concern? I think we could be doing more to promote events, but it’s really hard. Especially, as Sham said earlier, when there’s so much else going on in Brighton.
I think the fact that we can’t play in Brighton is the biggest factor. So many of my friends say they’ll come along to a game, then on the Saturday morning they wake up and think ‘I don’t want to get on a train to Haywards Heath’. It’s only a fifteen minute journey [or 47 for today’s event thanks to the replacement bus, grrr] but there’s that mental barrier. Look at the event we held at the Corn Exchange in Brighton a couple of years ago, with hundreds of tickets that sold out weeks in advance. That demonstrates the crowds we could be getting if we had a suitable venue in Brighton itself.
One issue is that there are so many more people actually playing derby these days. When the Rockers started out, there were maybe half a dozen derby events across
the whole country on a given Saturday, so you’d have skaters from Portsmouth, Southampton, Eastbourne, Croydon, Surrey, etc coming along to watch the Rockers. Now with so many open and closed door games every weekend, stuﬀ like British Champs, all the new B and C-teams... those people have games themselves on the day of a Brighton event.
It’s the increased participation in derby that has reduced the size of the crowds, surely? It’s better than loads of people wanting to watch roller derby but nobody playing it! I do think that promotion and location are bigger issues. We see that at away games. At Barcelona there was pretty much nobody at all watching, but the venue was out in the sticks.
On the other hand, Vienna was really busy. The venue was fairly central and super easy to get to, and Vienna Roller Derby’s branding and promotion are really on point. Plus they have their Fearleaders [a male cheerleading squad famous throughout the world of derby] doing the half-time show, which attracts an audience in itself.
What are the Rockers plans for 2019 and 2020? Crikey, I don’t even plan my life out that far in advance. I haven’t planned what I’m having for dinner tonight yet. I genuinely haven’t and I’m quite hungry. This year is about rebuilding. The B-team are all set up and training well together, whilst the A-team will be getting all of their WFTDA sanctioned games for the year out of the way in the first four months.
We noticed the A-team have a very busy weekend in the Netherlands coming up. Indeed. That’s the 13th and 14th of April. The Saturday sees us travel to Eindhoven to take on Rockcity Rollers. We’ve played them twice before, at home and a neutral venue, so this will be the away rematch. Then on the Sunday we head over to Rot-
I’m not playing and I don’t even know who’s on the roster against Dundee, to be honest.
I know we’re bringing in some newer players who haven’t played for the A-team before and are amazing. They should be interesting to watch.
I always give Turn Left an A-team score prediction, even though it means getting lost down the Flattrackstats rabbit hole. I click on a team Dundee have played against and see that team has played a team we played against, so I click on the result of that game... and then I honestly don’t know how it could possibly have any bearing on the result of our game, so I just end up confusing myself.
I think we’re going to win.
I’m going to go for a low score. Well, low in roller derby terms, not like 2-1 or something. I’m going to say it will ﬁnish Brighton 174 Dundee 154. I almost won some wine last time I predicted.
As for the B-team game, if FTS is calling that as a straight 50:50 then it should deﬁnitely be a close one!
terdam for a three team tournament, taking on the hosts as well as GO-GO Gent (who we’ve also played twice before).
Any other plans for the year? Ask Cake. As our head coach, what do you think we should be doing for the year? I don’t know. This is why Finn McCruel was always head coach – she actually had goals. I hate having goals. My New Year’s resolution was to drink more water and I’ve already failed at it.
How much work goes into putting on an event like today? Until recently I was the league liaison, a role that meant thinking about our plans for the year and trying to sort out opponents. This involved a lot of back and forth. You can’t commit to an opponent unless you have the venue. You can’t commit to the venue unless you have an opponent. You have to lock it all into place at the same time. Do we have enough skaters to put out a team that day (what with holidays etc)? Is the Dolphin available? Are our desired opposition available and up for travelling to us then?
It’s a lot of work. We have jobs, we train, have other hobbies and lives; then there’s all the work that goes on behind the scenes to run the league, organise training and put on events like today. That’s why I’m doing travel now. It’s going to be more fun. See you later coaching! Social committee is the one to try and get on. It mostly seems to involve checking out pubs and booking one for the after party. That and remembering to bring some doughnuts and a bit of string.
Boiling the eggs for Russian roulette is important too. Chaka Carnage forgot to boil any of them once. All the vegans got drenched in eggs. As did some random guy who happened to be in the pub and got roped in. He was so angry. He had to go out clubbing covered in egg. Which reminds me – I’m starving and have to go to Aldi to get dinner. Interview over!
BRATS AWARDS 2018
We’ve totted up the voting forms from the previous issue. Here’s who Turn Left readers selected as their top Rockers stars of 2018.
Winners come find us for your shiny badge and certificate!
PLAYER OF THE YEAR KAPOW!
Half a dozen skaters were in the running for the main gong, with Kapow edging out Cold Crush here by a single vote.
2016 GIN ATOMIC
2015 GIN ATOMIC
2014 DR WHOOLIGAN
JAMMER OF THE YEAR HIPPY HIPPY SKATE
Another close contest here saw Hippy Hippy Skate taking first place with just one vote more than Mighty Mouse.
2017 DR WHOOLIGAN
2015 SKATE BUSH
BLOCKER OF THE YEAR FELLEN E ASSAULT
Unlike many of this year’s categories, the result of this one was never in doubt. Fellen E racked up as many votes here as everyone else put together!
2017 FINN McCRUEL
2016 HAIRY FAIRY
2015 HAIRY FAIRY
2014 EMMA CONDEMNER
B-TEAMER OF THE YEAR GO GO GOZER
A close contest between two skaters who recently moved up to A-team saw Gozer triumph over last year’s winner Slap.
2017 SLAP DASH
2016 CRUELTY SPREE
2015 BIONIC BETTY
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR DEATHBLADE
With voting taking place at the C-team’s first game, ten skaters fought it out in this very popular category won by Blade.
2017 RAGING BEAVER
2015 SPEEDY GONZALEX
ICON OF THE YEAR HAIRY FAIRY
The award for most inspiring Brighton Rocker on or off track saw Fresh Meat co-coach Hairy win with half a vote (who said people could split their vote?) more than Finn McCruel.
2016 FINN McCRUEL
OFFICIAL OF THE YEAR HISSING HELLCAT
This category for referees and NSOs is won by one of the latter for the first time ever. Rockers Head NSO Hellcat polled well ahead of any zebras.
2017 REFEREE DAHMER
2015 NOISE TANK
OTHER OF THE YEAR MISTRESS
A category for bench crew, announcers, et al. A-team bench coach Mistress is our only 2017 winner to retain their title.
2016 TENACIOUS P
2015 MASS JANEYCIDE
MOST VOTED FOR DISGRACE KELLY
The prize for the person who amassed the most votes overall without winning an award. Kelly came a close second in Rookie and picked up votes in EVERY category, including many they weren’t eligible for!
2017 CAKE OR DEATH
2015 LAB WRATH
FRIEND OF BRATS
An award we hand out to someone we couldn’t do this mag without. This year it goes to ace camera jockey Mr Hesse.
2017 MEADOW YURTS
INTO THE FINAL TURN
MISTER ADAM ON 25 GLORIOUS YEARS (ER, ISSUES) OF TURN LEFT
This is the last Turn Left ever? What the heck? Not necessarily ever, but it’s the last regular one. I’m surprised that you’re surprised, to be honest, given that I’m interviewing myself. It hopefully shouldn’t come as a surprise to a lot of the Rockers either. I told several a year or so ago that the mag would be finishing in a few issues. I’ve long had in mind the target of making it to issue 24 then taking a break.
Why issue 24? Turn Left has been the longest running UK derby mag for a while, but I set myself the challenge of equalling the total number of issues of the big two; Inside Line (which ran for sixteen issues from 2011-2015) and Lead Jammer (eight issues from 2012-2014) put together.
But hang on, this is issue 25? Yeah, because I remembered Lead Jammer also had a digital only issue 9, plus 25 is a nicer number. It’s like it’s our Silver Jubilee or something. Also I forgot to mention in the last issue that it was the last issue, so I had to do another!
Turn Left editor MISTER ADAM on why this is our final regular issue...
Why did you start Turn Left in the first place? I went to a couple of early Rockers games and fell in love with the sport, the team and derby culture. Together with some mates I started a fanclub (Brighton Rockers All Terrain Support) and put together a songsheet for the home game against Big Bucks in November 2012. Said mates later moved to Japan, Vietnam and Devon, so BRATS has actually been more fan [me] than fanclub for much of its history.
The songsheet went down surprisingly well (considering how few of the chants actually scanned), but I really wished roller derby had something similar to a football programme with player interviews, opposition profiles, predictions, etc.
I’ve always written for a living (mags, TV, etc) and I put out several football fanzines as a student. Given derby’s DIY aesthetic, I thought ‘heck, maybe I should start my own Rockers magazine’? I approached the league, who were super helpful from the outset, and the first Turn Left was given out at an A/B double header v LRR and Portsmouth in March 2013.
How many copies of issue 1 did you sell? None, it’s a free mag you doughnut! Originally, I only planned to print one copy (for myself) but on checking prices and seeing all the awesome interviews, photos and illustrations we had, I found fab advertisers to cover 80-90% of a proper print bill. We ran off 210 copies, which flew out.
Print runs and uptake have fluctuated a bit due to the time of year and other factors, but we’ve generally done 150-250 copies, with page counts as high as 28 and as low as last issue’s measly twelve. Views of each online version suggest another few hundred readers.
We’ve always been the UK’s most read league specific roller derby mag. Possibly because we’re (as far as I know) the only one. Certainly, we don’t know of any other derby league in the world that had a dedicated magazine like this.
All the nationals, not just in the UK, but titans like Blood & Thunder (USA) and Hit & Miss (Oz) seem to have ceased publication now too. I think governing body WFTDA’s own mag fiveonfive is the only one left :(
Why are you and the other derby mags shutting down?
I can’t speak for them, but I suspect it’s similar to my own mixture of personal, financial and practical reasons.
In personal terms, I’d just switched from working fulltime to freelancing from home when I launched Turn Left six years ago. I’m looking to return to full-time long hours work very soon, and that makes doing a mag for every home event difficult to properly commit to.
Financially, I rely on lovely advertisers to cover most of each issue’s triple-figure print bill. Derby businesses are a disappearing entity. The awesome Dutch derby store who share our name [see their ad in this issue] are the latest to go.
Also, mates who advertised are moving on or retiring. Each ad lost means less pages. Last issue’s twelve pages meant we couldn’t include much more than the game previews, which we consider our key content. In practical terms, we put out game previews online anyway, so that means there’s less reason for a physical magazine.
Particularly since paper publications (particularly ones as thick and shiny as Turn Left) are becoming an enviro-no-no!
So derby isn’t dying? Far from it. The Rockers currently have three times as many skaters as when Turn Left started, but roller derby has a habit of cannibalising its own crowds and businesses. The more people playing derby, the less people watching or running businesses around it. The more derby grows as a participation sport, the less time people have for the stuff around the edges.
So is this the end of BRATS? Hell no! We’ll still be doing online previews. We’ll bring back game write-ups, continue our annual best player votes, and will be cheering the Rockers on every game. We’ll also still do the occasional mag, eg for the league’s 10th Birthday next year. Just not for every game!
Anyone you’d like to thank?
Loads of people, such as those from the 100-ish derby leagues in the UK and Europe we’ve hit up for quotes and interviews.
Particularly, of course, the lovely Brighton Rockers. There are very few who have donned a Rockers shirt in the past six years who haven’t provided us with at least a quote and normally a full interview – whether they wanted to or not!
Extra hats offs to the ‘wranglers’, ie the lovely folk who found and chased up interviewees for each issue. These unsung heroes have included Dr Whooligan, Racey, Kapow, Gin Atomic, Shambolic, Mistress, Skate Bush, Cake Or Death, Slap Dash and many more.
Anyone else? Yes please, unnecessary interruption to break up text. All of the amazing roller derby photographers who have let me use their pictures for free in the magazine. The likes of John Hesse, NSP 189, Roller Derby On Film, Dave McAleavy, Rebecca Cornford, Floyd King and many more.
Plus, of course, all the amazing advertisers that made this magazine possible and kept us going for far longer than every other UK derby mag. You rule!
And the readers too? Yeah, I suppose. If it stops them getting antsy and wotnot.
GET THINGS DUNDEE A-TEAM PREVIEW WITH LISTON (DUNDEE
Brighton host their northernmost visitors ever today as they take on Dundee Roller Derby. Here’s the lowdown on the team from the banks of the Tay...
Hi there. For anyone reading this magazine who might not know of Dundee Roller Derby, can you tell us a little about your league and its history to date? We have been rolling for around eight years. A wee rebrand last year got us to Dundee Roller Derby, but we came from very humble beginnings in a car park. We have nationally rostered skaters in our midst and we train as a full league, so our A and B-teams all skate together at training and I think that says a lot about our team mantra.
What’s the derby scene like at present in the Dundee area and across Scotland in general? In Dundee it’s just us knocking about to be fair, and we are still a fairly grassroots sport in the local community, but we get our mentions in the local paper and a bit of a crowd on game days. The sport of roller derby has grown massively in Scotland in the past few years, with MRDA tournaments being held and Scottish teams playing internationally on a regular basis. It’s very exciting to be a part of it all!
When it comes to away trips, do you mostly play in Scotland, the UK, Europe or all over the place, and what have been your most memorable away games to date? We find that teams don’t realise how far north Dundee is and can’t commit to travel, so it’s usually us that gets around. Our first European tournament springs to mind. Double header A/B games and the last jam of the day ending with two points in it. It was our wonderful hosts’ win, but a great way to celebrate Copenhagen Roller Derby’s fifth birthday!
You’ll be facing the Brighton Rockers in today’s A-team clash. Do you know much about them? To be honest I don’t know much about the team; I have heard about their amazing fans though. Cannot wait to experience the atmosphere that they will bring. Just hope they might have a spare cheer or two for us!
Are there any particular Dundee players or tactics that spectators should look out for in today’s game?
What are you expecting game/result wise? It’s the first game of the season and we are playing with a pretty small roster because of that (only nine) but that’s actually a very common theme for us. You’ll see our skaters get a LOT of track time, but we’ve been working on our endurance derby to compensate, and we all love playing together. It’s all about high fives and big-ups making sure our mental game is keeping us strong!
Do you have any other plans (apart from the game) for your trip to the Brighton area? I actually think the majority of us are doing the trip all in one day because of work. It’s a bit of a hectic travel plan, but we all do it to play derby so it’ll be worth it!
Finally, do you have any message for the Dundee Roller Derby fans in the crowd today? We are wild for a chant. “We Are The DRD” will be chanted at the start of the game and if you wanna shout us some support then we will love ya forever!
RANKINGS AND PREDICTIONS FROM
WFTDA TEAMS ONLY RANKING
BRIGHTON A: 289TH (520.0pts)
DUNDEE A: 266TH (535.8pts)
DUNDEE A 55% CHANCE OF WINNING
PREDICTED DIFFERENTIAL OF 21:20
SUGGESTS CIRCA 189-180 AWAY WIN
GLOBAL ALL TEAMS RANKING
BRIGHTON A: 432ND (557.6pts)
DUNDEE A: 270TH (601.8pts)
DUNDEE A 76% CHANCE OF WINNING
PREDICTED DIFFERENTIAL OF 27:19
SUGGESTS CIRCA 189-133 AWAY WIN THESE STATS ARE CORRECT AS OF 30/01/19
1. An internet craze for ‘Dundeeing’ (taking selfies whilst balancing five Dundee cakes on your head) failed to go viral in 2015, despite the best efforts of the Dundee Cake Marketing Board.
2. Leonard Cohen’s ‘Tower Of Song’ was inspired by that time some drunken football fans scaled Dundee’s Cox’s Stack and did some chanting.
3. Popular Hollywood movie superhero Crocodile Dundee isn’t actually from Dundee. Also not a crocodile.
4. Dundee’s local newspaper
The Beano consists largely of comic strips.
5. Dundee’s River Tay isn’t technically a river at all, but a surprisingly long, deep and tidal puddle.
FELLEN E ASSAULT (BRIGHTON ROCKERS)
7 LETTERS vs G.WRECKS (DUNDEE ROLLER DERBY)
If you had to do one, which would you choose: swim a mile, run ten miles or cycle 100 miles? Fellen E Assault (Brighton Rockers): Definitely swim a mile as I enjoy swimming. I don’t really understand running (unless you’re being chased by a monster) and as much as I like cycling, after 100 miles I reckon I’d be pretty saddle sore! G.Wrecks (Dundee Roller Derby): 100% be getting ma swim on. I ain’t running unless I’m being chased and bike seats are NOT FUN.
What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve done at a roller derby after party? I embarrass myself at pretty much every after party with my grandad dancing and overenthusiasm for 80s Nights. However, I think the most embarrassing thing was when we were in Vienna and I decided it would be a good idea to try and ride down the escalator banister Superman-style. After flinging myself on it headfirst and promptly falling off, I decided maybe it wasn’t the best plan. Urgh, we were doing a mini crowd surf over the top of a line of seated skaters, and let’s just say I went in with a bit too much gusto... it was carnage.
What’s the best cheese? As a vegan, I guess it’d have to be Violife as it’s tasty and pretty melty. However sometimes I do miss halloumi and maybe a bit of mozzarella. In my opinion all cheese is wonderful. As a lactose intolerance suﬀerer, I am therefore just a sad adult.
Have you given names to your skates? If so, what? If not, please name them now. They don’t have names, but now I’m wondering why they don’t! I think I’m gonna name the left one Princess Consuela and the right one Belinda Carlisle. I haven’t given them names and honestly can’t believe it’s not crossed my mind before. Right one is now annointed Gred and left is now Feorge, in honour of Fred and George Weasley’s jumpers.
If you could swap hairstyles with a teammate for a day who would you swap with? I think it would have to be Hairy Fairy. My hair’s not that thick so it’d be great to have a voluptuous barnet for a day! I’d like to see what dreads were like, so maybe our ref Ruby RaGe? She rocks them good!
What other sport would you really like to see played on skates? Basketball. We had a go once during Fresh Meat when a training session was cancelled and it was a lot of fun! I’d like to see netball being played on skates. Imagine how boss your stops would have to be not to travel with the ball? Edges man. All the edges!
Derby refs are nicknamed zebras. What animal should NSOs be nicknamed as? I’m gonna go with ostriches. They have (according to Google) a symbiotic relationship with zebras, so that’s pretty accurate, plus they travel in herds. Velociraptors ’cause they’re always watching and doing that clicky thing with their toes.
BADASS ON THE LINE B-TEAM PREVIEW WITH EVA LA
Hi there. Just in case anyone reading this magazine doesn’t know of LRR, can you tell us a little about your league and its history to date? As one of the oldest leagues in Europe, the London Rockin’ Rollers are true pioneers of the sport, playing the UK’s first interleague scrimmage with the Birmingham Blitz Dames and Europe’s first interleague bout against Stuttgart Valley Roller Girlz. Our skaters get up to a lot of exciting stuff. Three Rockin’ Rollers and one referee played and officiated at the first ever Roller Derby World Cup in 2011 and a whopping ten Rockin’ Rollers participated for their national teams at the second World Cup in 2014. For anyone watching the London 2012 Olympic Opening Ceremony, you could spot thirteen Rockin’ Rollers dressed as roller skating NHS nurses... plus one Dementor!
LRR have quite a history with the Brighton Rock-
ers, yeah? You were their sponsor league during their WFTDA apprenticeship, for example. We love the Rockers and always have a brilliant time playing them, regardless of the result! Some of Brighton’s fans may not know that your league founder The Mighty Mighty Bash was originally not only a London Rockin’ Roller but our Allstars captain, leading the team to victory at the first Tattoo Freeze. Once you’ve been at the end of one of Bash’s awesome hits, it pretty much makes you family for life ;)
Do you know much about the Brighton Rockerbillies squad you will be facing today? There isn’t just one player we’ll be looking out for, but we will be ready for all Brighton’s skaters to really bring it. We know this will be a tough and physical game, and we’re looking forward to the challenge
Are there any particular LRR Badasses players or tactics
that spectators should look out for in today’s game? What are you expecting game/result wise? As one of the Badasses’ current captains I’m gonna say the fans should watch out for everyone. Special mention must go to Cleo Slayer and Elf Hazard, two legends of LRR who play as if they are one person. Good luck to anyone taking them on; they have some weird ESP and seem to be everywhere all at once! Also I’m sure our amazing bench coach Randy is gonna dress for the occasion, so save up a cheer for the fabulousness!
Do you have any other plans for your trip to Sussex? Plans for today? Well, that depends... is it your round?
Finally, do you have any message for the LRR fans in the crowd today? Message for the LRR fans? Anyone who manages to cheer louder than the Merry Widow gets a free post-game sweaty hug!
Today’s B-team showdown sees the Brighton Rockers renew acquaintances with a longstanding ‘sister league’, the London Rockin’ Rollers...
RANKINGS AND PREDICTIONS
USING EUROPEAN RANKINGS
BRIGHTON B: 226TH (425.5pts)
LRR B: 209TH (434.5pts)
BOTH TEAMS 50% CHANCE OF WINNING PREDICTED DIFFERENTIAL OF 2:2 SUGGESTS A FLATOUT DRAW WHICH ISN’T ACTUALLY POSSIBLE WITHIN THE RULES OF ROLLER DERBY... WHAT THE HELL? WE’VE NEVER SEEN FTS PREDICT A DRAWN GAME BEFORE ...THIS IS GOING TO BE EPIC! THESE STATS ARE CORRECT AS OF 30/01/19
1. Just as the Queen owns all of London’s swans, the Pearly Kings and Queens own all of its jellied eels.
2. Contrary to what a lot of people believe, Big Ben isn’t the name of the tower but the bloke who built it.
3. Europe’s busiest railway station Clapham Junction is home to the world’s most overpriced cans of Guinness.
4. Leonard Cohen’s ‘Tower Of Song’ was inspired by that time some drunken choristers scaled London’s Tower Bridge and sang a few Mozarts.
5. If the entire population of London jumped in the air at the same time, it would cause a butterﬂy in China to ﬂap its wings or something.
7 LETTERS vs SKIDMORE (LRR BADASSES)
Which four fictional characters would be your dream to play alongside? Goldiblocks (Rockerbillies): I’d choose The Powerpuff Girls (there are four of them in the 2016 reboot). They’re sassy, empowered and, as well as fighting baddies, fight for equality. And they’re not afraid of getting hurt – an important quality for derby!
Skidmore (LRR Badasses): Zöe Washburne (Firefly), Kelly Maxwell (Ash vs Evil Dead), Peggy Carter and Wonder Woman, because they’re all badass and I’d like them to be my friends because I like skating with my friends. Also can I have Steve Rogers as bench?
Who should be Patron Saint of Roller Derby? Saint Freya. Freya was the Nordic goddess of love, war, beauty and magic, all of which I see in roller derby. Although we’re at ‘war’ with opponents, there is so much love and support in our community. The sport celebrates the beauty of all players’ bodies, no matter what shape or size, and as for magic... have you seen apex jumps? Saint Lidwina. She’s already the patron saint of ice skaters, so I think we can claim her too.
If you had your own derby theme tune, how would the chorus go? I’d keep it simple but classic. To the tune of Queen’s ‘We Will Rock You’: “I will, I will BLOCK YOU!” I think it gets the message across. ”Skate, skate, skate, Roller Derby, **** yeah.”
Which derby star would you most like to guest host training? I would love to have a session hosted by Lady Trample. As well as being an amazing roller derby player, she’s also kick-ass at skating bowls and ramps, and it would be a dream to get some tips from her! I’m happy to be coached by anyone better than me and if you have free stickers then bonus! I like stickers (ask Bonita… who has stickers). I like Bonita. And stickers.
Who’s the scariest opponent you’ve faced on track? We played Surrey Roller Girls last March and they were formidable. Despite being challenging, it was still a really fun game and we’d love to play them again. Well, there was that time with the bear... Most of my fears are oﬀ track, so opponents aren’t really that scary.
Who is your favourite sportsperson in another sport? Nicola Adams. She’s such an inspiring athlete, plus a great role model and spokesperson for the LGBTQ community. I don’t have a favourite sportsperson, but I’m partial to the sports of darts, strongmen of the world and figure skating.
Which of the world’s landmarks would you most like to skate along, over or through? I’d skate the Great Wall of China. Why walk something when you can skate it? I’d like to skate through Monterey Bay Aquarium... because the ﬂoor is ﬂat and smooth. Also, I like fish and penguins.
“I am well known for looking grumpy, annoyed or tired if I’m jamming on a power jam.”
“I know some actual ninjas and they taught me important lessons in moving out of the way.”
“Put your knee pads on BEFORE your skates. I always get that wrong.”
“I have never before witnessed a group of derby girls sit so still, calm and quiet for so long.”
“Being passed the star fills me with dread and luckily it’s never happened to me in a game.”
“It’s the same every time. Three hours of meditation followed by steak and steroids.”
“How many piercings do I have? A lot less since I started playing derby!”
“The only pets I have are a box of beetles for cleaning skeletons ...People have ﬂea circuses, right? So why not beetle derby?”
“The outcome of the game is decided on the track, not by what pants I’m wearing.”
“Probably not that strange, but I nearly took a whole shop window out in Croydon once. It made a great sound.”
“I love the team breakfast – perhaps more than the game.”
“Wouldn’t it be just so damn satisfying to hit that guy very, very hard. And perhaps not particularly legally.”
4 8 13
“Wrestle her to the ﬂoor, put her in a wrap and give her to the crowd with some Nando’s sauce.”
“Cake Or Death picked up a ‘failure to dance’ penalty which she was super grumpy about.”
“The team won’t miss her at all. None of us think she’s that good, to be honest.”
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? THEY SAID WHAT
HERE’S A QUOTE FROM EACH (NUMBERED) ISSUE OF TURN LEFT, BUT WHICH ROCKERS STARS ARE WE QUOTING AND WHAT ARE THEY ON ABOUT? FIND OUT BY CHECKING THE BACK ISSUES ONLINE AT ISSUU.COM/TURNLEFTMAG
“I don’t think any of them are particularly scared of me. Perhaps I should try harder.”
15 19 17 3 1 7 6 5 10 9
“My ambition is to be Gin Atomic, basically. Well, to be like Gin. I wouldn’t actually want to be her... Euw!”
12 11 14
16 19 18 17
“When I win can the pint be a pint of wine please.”
“Eveything from bad singing to falling in a hedge will be duly assessed, with the scores gained on track adjusted as a result.”
“My absolute favourite moment was being sick in Bash’s shoe.”
“It would change size when an opposing jammer made contact.”
“She almost snapped in half. I’m still laughing.”
“It was a while before we realised Sham was still asleep. Luckily it wasn’t a real fire.”
“As an A-teamer I think it’s nice that we get to have a little rest.”
“This is why Finn was always head coach – she actually had goals.”
...OF EVERY ROCKERS
NB ROCKERS SCORE IS ALWAYS LISTED FIRST
A-TEAM RANKED GAME EVER!
CD = closed door games with a published score BC = British Championships SI = Slip It tournament
30th October @ Bedfordshire 236-237 v Rebellion Roller Derby
12th November @ Haywards Heath 151-185 v Rockcity Rlrs (Eindhoven)
3rd December @ Haywards Heath
195-159 v Harpies of Milan RD
28th January @ Caen, France (SI)
80-315 v Roller Derby Caen
28th January @ Caen, France (SI)
66-354 v Amsterdam Roller Derby
29th January @ Caen, France (SI)
120-235 v Roller Derby Madrid
4th March @ Haywards Heath
126-262 v Vienna Roller Derby
25th March @ Havant
265-153 v Portsmouth Roller Wenches
14th May @ Haywards Heath
345-136 v Herts Hell’s Belles
17th June @ Limerick (tournament)
173-157 v Limerick Roller Derby
17th June @ Limerick (tournament)
453-65 v Belfast Roller Derby
8th October @ Portsmouth (CD)
202-133 v Portsmouth Roller Wenches
18th November @ Cambridge
162-145 v Cambridge Rollerbillies
25th November @ Haywards Heath
198-116 v Norfolk Roller Derby
24th February @ Haywards Heath
150-234 v Roller Derby Toulouse B
17th March @ Barcelona, Spain
170-120 v Barcelona Roller Derby
5th May @ Haywards Heath
164-265 v Lutèce Destroyeuses Paris
10th June @ London (CD)
184-227 v London Rockin’ Rollers
13th October @ Vienna, Austria
166-291 v Vienna Roller Derby
2011 2nd April @ Brighton (CD) 179-39 v Royal Windsor B-Headers 18th June @ Southend 281-16 v Southend Seaside Sirens 6th August @ Haywards Heath 141-132 v Cambridge Rollerbillies 15th October @ Shoreham-by-Sea 158-115 v Dublin Roller Derby 2012 18th February @ Shoreham-by-Sea 223-192 v London Batter C Power 10th March @ Ghent, Belgium 169-140 v GO-GO Gent Roller Derby 14th April @ Cambridge 304-60 v Cambridge Rollerbillies 26th May @ Haywards Heath 224-69 v Leicester Dolly Rockits 15th September @ Dublin 351-84 v Dublin Roller Derby 6th October @ London (CD) 177-180 v London Brawl Saints 17th November @ Shoreham-by-Sea 357-110 v Big Bucks High Rollers 2013 9th March @ Haywards Heath 237-210 v London Rockin’ Rollers 20th April @ Glasgow 111-310 v Glasgow Roller Derby 25th May @ London Tattoo Festival 207-120 v Kent Roller Girls 25th May @ London Tattoo Festival 101-223 v London Brawl Saints 26th May @ London Tattoo Festival 175-251 v Bristol Roller Derby 21st September @ Haywards Heath 176-142 v Leeds Roller Dolls 26th October @ Edinburgh 89-349 v Auld Reekie Roller Girls 23rd November @ Haywards Heath 170-156 v Central City (Birmingham)
15th February @ Haywards Heath 174-163 v Rainy City RD (Oldham) 15th March @ Haywards Heath 178-174 v Paris Rollergirls 10th May @ Haywards Heath 123-230 v Middlesbrough RD 26th July @ Haywards Heath 163-151 v Croydon Roller Derby 20th September @ Haywards Heath 277-209 v Bristol Roller Derby 25th October @ Havant 221-159 v Portsmouth Roller Wenches
21st February @ London (BC) 253-175 v Southend Seaside Sirens 21st March @ Southend (BC) 223-227 v Bristol Roller Derby 9th May @ Bristol (BC) 196-348 v Royal Windsor RD 21st May @ Haywards Heath 217-190 v Hot Wheel Roller Derby 11th July @ Haywards Heath (BC) 150-215 v Portsmouth Roller Wenches 9th August @ Haywards Heath (BC) 141-207 v London Rockin’ Rollers 28th November @ Haywards Heath 116-258 v GO-GO Gent Roller Derby
20th February @ Caen, France (SI) 121-217 v Brussels Derby Pixies 20th February @ Caen, France (SI) 145-236 v Roller Derby Caen 21st February @ Caen, France (SI) 140-167 v Rockcity Rlrs (Eindhoven) 12th March @ London 132-172 v Batter C Power 30th April @ Haywards Heath 170-143 v Newcastle Rollergirls B 22nd May @ Haywards Heath 142-181 v Croydon Roller Derby