Turn Left Issue 26

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3. Local star Lulu is so named as she owns two toilets.

5. Whilst the deep fried Mars bar was actually invented in Aberdeen, Glasgow famously gave us the braised Twix.

Flattrackstats reckons both today’s games are going to be close. Who or what should we look out for? We expect that both games will be a good watch and even more enjoyable to play. Tactics and players to look out for? Hmm... well, that would be our entire team. We rely on all our players. Glasgow are a league who work together to support each other and be the strongest we can be. #WeAreGRD Do you have any other plans (apart from the game) for your trip to the Brighton area? We’re looking forward to sunshine, ice creams and maybe a skate along the prom. Hopefully the summer weather in Southern England will not disappoint. The teams have booked to stay in Brighton so maybe in the evening we can show off our really impressive ‘tactics’ on the dance floor. Finally, any message for the Glasgow fans in today’s crowd? It would be lovely to hear some “Hey Ho Glasgow” chants in the crowd, and we know our A-team are excited to be able to settle in and cheer on our Maidens, as they’re usually busy preparing to play the second game (or being impartial volunteers). TL


2. Ships built in Glasgow include the Cutty Sark and the Millennium Falcon.

4. In 1986 an American businessman tried to buy the River Clyde and move it to Kentucky.

A-TEAMS (WFTDA*) BRIGHTON 252nd (546.6) GLASGOW 283rd (529.5)

1. Glasgow was founded by a cartoon dog from 1960s TV.



(only flip the page if you wanna know)

B-TEAMS (EUROPE) BRIGHTON 234th (418.6) GLASGOW 211th (431.6)




You hosted the Rockers way back in April 2013. Any recollections of that? Sadly none of our team have any recollections to share about our previous game with Brighton. We can say however that both our A and B-teams are hugely looking forward to our trip to (hopefully) sunny Brighton for today’s event.

Do you know much about the current Brighton players at all? Any tactics that you will be looking out for? Here in Glasgow we keep our canny eyes on the opposition to make sure we don’t underestimate them. We’ll be sure to look out for any loose pebbles from the beach which might stick in our skates.


Hi there. For anyone reading this magazine who might not know of GRD, can you tell us a little about your league? Glasgow Roller Derby is the fourth oldest roller derby league in the UK. Founded as Glasgow Roller Girls in 2007, we were Scotland’s first ever derby league. The team continued to grow and develop over the next four years to become a fully competitive WFTDA league. 2012 was a big year for GRD and saw us rebrand as Glasgow Roller Derby and host our first ever tournament, Chaos on the Clyde, which will be making a return (seven years on) in August this year. So at the moment we are preparing for Chaos on the Clyde #2 which promises to be an exciting weekend of competitive roller derby. Over the last decade and a bit Glasgow Roller Derby has moved from strength to strength, building and rebuilding our team. We can’t wait to see what the future has in store for us!

Hang on a minute Turn Left, you said you weren’t doing any more magazines? No, we said we would only do them for special occasions and what could be more special than a Rockers Fringe event? Also, it’s not a magazine, but a trifold A3 leaflet and we never said anything about not doing any of those! We’re not really sure how well it’s going to work (new format, new design, new printing company) but hopefully it looks OK and people in neck braces aren’t too inconvenienced by the sideways bits. This is a more viable way (not least because the lower cost means less ads needed) for us to put something out for at least some Rockers home events. We’ve tried to cram as much as possible into the reduced space, so you’ll find full previews of today’s games, an interview with cover star Go Go Gozer, Rockers’ reflections on the recent triple win trip to the Netherlands, and much (a bit) more. Have a read and as ever... GO ROCKERS! TL


Do you feel that roller derby being a sport for any physique, body shape, etc circumvents some of the fuss surrounding other sports? It’s true there are both advantages and Do you know much about today’s oppodisadvantages to every physique in roller derby. nents, Glasgow Roller Derby? Obviously I There might be certain situations in games or wasn’t part of the league when the A-team last training drills where the fact that I’ve got long played Glasgow [2013] but I legs is a clear advanget the feeling both games are tage, but equally other going to be close today. That situations where a smallmakes me a little nervous, to be er skater has the advanhonest. If you know you’re going tage. It’s also great that into a game as underdogs that governing body WFTDA FEB 9TH @ HAYWARDS HEATH takes the pressure off as all you have embedded trans Brighton A 195-196 Dundee A can do is exceed expectations. inclusivity in their memBrighton B 198-260 LRR B Similarly being clear favourites bership rules for derby APR 13TH @ EINDHOVEN gives you more confidence. With leagues and that head Brighton 268th in WFTDA and Rockcity Rollers A 101-223 Brighton A referees (such as in HolGlasgow 267th it really could go land recently) will ofAPR 14TH @ ROTTERDAM either way and that’s messing ten insist on using they Rotterdam A 144-163 Brighton A with my mind! We’re preparing pronouns for everyone. GO-GO Gent A 124-188 Brighton A ourselves for big hitters and a Having a bunch of trans solid team. We know it won’t be skaters at the highest easy. They have a few A/B crossovers too, so it’ll levels of world derby now is a real boon, as is be interesting to see how ours match up against the increasing number of trans and non-binary theirs across both games. I’ve also checked Rockers. Roller derby is breaking new ground Glasgow Roller Derby out on social media, and I and, whilst I feel very supported in derby, I apsaw they put up a really supportive message on preciate it’s different for trans people in a lot of Trans Day of Visibility. That makes me excited other sports. I really hope the precedents derby to play them and relaxed to play them. is setting quickly roll out to those sports too. TL


How many languages can you swear in and has it come in handy in roller derby or general life? Erm none! Wow boring answer, haha. I don’t swear much. I certainly wouldn’t trust myself to swear in another language. I can only properly swear in English, but I know some terrible things in Russian. It hasn’t come in handy in derby life, but I used to work with a woman who I was convinced was a Russian spy, so... Which of your teammates would make the best cartoon character? Hairy Fairy is a really obvious choice as she’s incredibly funny, odd and cute. Last week at training she showed us all her 100% cartoon bum cheeks. Our Maiden Grrders captain Wendy who is literally a real life superhero cartoon. What do you think of badminton? I try not to think about badminton too much. I know it takes up loads of sports hall slots which isn’t very goodminton. I don’t mind badminton. I like hitting things regardless of whether they’re people or shuttlecocks. Which of your teammates has the stinkiest elbow pads? Euw, I’m not sure. Everyone’s pads are fairly gnarly... but once you get them on and get going it all blurs into one delish group pong. I don’t think I can tell the difference between anyone’s derby smells any more. It’s all one big team smell these days! TL


An interactive one-on-one show where the audience member is kitted up then hit repeatedly.



An honest autobiographical show with verbatim stories from NSOs and derby refs. Expect whistles, statistics and track tape.


Hilarious improvised sketch show where five performers take 27 suggestions from the audience and perform zany comedy scenes whilst skating around a derby track.


An escape room where the audience have two minutes to work out the rules of roller derby in order to escape.


An interpretative exploration of the art of roller derby performed by cats (no hits, just play fighting and maybe the odd cat nap). The claws will be out in this pawsome show, with cameos from Catastrophe, Cat-hiss Evermean, Apocalypse Meow, and Meowminator. Think tiny helmets, tinier skates and more nip than a cabaret show.

27 IN 5

“There was mild panic before the Eindhoven game when we learned the venue was outside. Whilst it wasn’t quite (a warehouse with only wire mesh for walls) it felt like it was – especially when it started snowing! We donned as many layers as possible to keep warm. The game was fun. We tried out some new starts, debuted some new players and managed a better than expected win. A great start to our Dutch adventure.” FELLEN E ASSAULT

Meaning the coverage of South African runner Caster Semenya and testosterone testing, for example? It’s like there’s this new idea that testosterone is some magic wonder drug. That’s problematic as it suggests that men (since they have it) are the wonder people. A large majority of trans women have virtually zero testosterone anyway, so a lot of that debate is ill-informed. As regards Caster Semenya there are so many factors in play, not least her race, her queerness and how out she is, and the way a white cis European sporting elite deals with that. The fact that it’s being pinned on this cod medical science is really dangerous. Whilst at the moment it’s only focused on a small amount of elite athletes, there’s a risk of it feeding down to amateur sports at club level and putting up barriers.

“Our experienced players on very high rotations fought hard jam after jam. Our newer skaters, most of whom had never played in a tournament before, stepped up every time we needed them. We beat both Rotterdam and Gent to lift the Harbour Cup. I’m unbelievably proud of this team. We’re competitive, inclusive and all mates who have got each other’s backs on and off the track. Watch out 2019 because the Rockers are winning more than just the after party now!” SKATE BUSH

Has it surprised you how quickly you’ve progressed from starting out to becoming a regular on the A-team? Yes, very much so. I feel better now because most of my Fresh Meat group are now A/B crossovers, so you’ll see a lot of 2017 freshies in both of today’s games. When I first started playing A-team last summer it was quite daunting as I’d only played in four games at that point. Now I feel more confident at this level and the trip to Holland in particular saw a real shift in my gameplay. I sometimes feel like I’m not progressing as fast as I’d like, and I then have to remind myself that I’ve still only been playing for two years, whilst the more established Brighton A-teamers have been playing for six, seven years or whatever.

Is that something you look out for from upcoming opponents? Definitely. I’m really proud of the way the Rockers and so many other derby leagues speak out on trans issues. I’ve never experienced any problems from anyone in the league. Although that’s how things should be – particularly somewhere like Brighton – it’s not something you can take for granted. As a trans woman, I guess I’m always geared to expect something negative rather than something positive, particularly in the current climate.

“My sightseeing highlight has to be the Rotterdam cube houses which we visited the morning after our space disco after party. Being there surrounded by tourists was an unforgettable experience. The whole trip was really positive. We took quite a few less experienced skaters (myself included) and playing three games over two days meant we could try out new tactics each game and keep improving throughout.” SLAP DASH

Hi Go Go, what attracted you to roller derby? Beyond seeing the film Whip It, which is a common starting point for a lot of derby folk, I knew nothing about the sport before watching the Rockers intraleague at Brighton Corn Exchange in late 2016. I went along as a friend had a friend who was going out with someone who was skating in it, so my link was quite far removed, but I just loved the event and thought ‘this is for me’. The Rockers had a Fresh Meat starting up a few weeks later and although I’d missed the taster days I decided to give it a go. My friend agreed that we’d sign up together, but then she quietly forgot so I went it alone. I thought I wouldn’t be able to commit to the sport long term because of how busy I am with work, but here I am more than two years later.

Six months is a long time in roller derby, let alone six and a bit years. That’s how far back we have to send the DeLorean for the last – and until today, only – time the Brighton and Glasgow A-teams met on track. Turn Left magazine had launched just six weeks earlier and this game saw possibly the largest BRATS away contingent ever as several football mates and their partners decided to make a weekend of it. For many this would be their only Rockers away trip, so it’s odd they chose one that involved a 400 mile journey. Indeed, this would remain the A-team’s furthest away game (as the crow flies) until a trip to Barcelona in 2018. At the time of the Glasgow game, Brighton had only lost once in their history – a super narrow 177-180 closed door defeat against high flyers (#2 in Europe) London Brawl Saints. So the Rockers went into this one with confidence, but the sheer physical strength of the Glasgow packs was a step above anything Brighton had faced before. Even the Rockers’ legendarily tough founder and totem, ex-England star The Mighty Mighty Bash, was largely nullified by the muscular Scottish blockers. Cake Or Death and Hairy Fairy battled in the packs, but home jammers Lawless and Hazard scored bigly. An injury to Shambolic early in the second half caused a 20 minute delay whilst awaiting an ambulance to pluck her off the track. Double tough Sham refused any painkillers, either at the venue or the hospital, as she wanted to ensure she could still drink alcohol at the after party she would later arrive at draped in bandages. Perhaps Sham should have asked the venue medics to give the painkillers to the rest of the team, as the sheer scale of Brighton’s first ever open door defeat must have hurt. Having been plied with Jägermeister by football mates all day, this would be your writer’s drunkest ever after party. Highlights include being sick over myself and waking up in a hedge beside the M8. Glasgow Roller Derby would go on to top the UKRDA rankings for much of the next couple of years, also winning the inaugural British Championships in 2015. Today’s GRD A-team are quite a different proposition and actually rank at a similar level to Brighton. For the small handful of Rockers who played in 2013 still skating for the A-team, will today provide the opportunity to avenge that drubbing? I guess we’re about to find out. TL

“Our first night was in a particularly ‘interesting’ hostel in Amsterdam. Apparently Dutch interior design includes murals of anatomically creative women, who knew? After that we stayed in Rotterdam and travelled to games by train. This worked well, apart from the struggle to buy nearly 20 individual bus tickets in Eindhoven. We eventually got them, nearly half an hour later, thanks to Skate Bush and Finn taking charge.” SLAP DASH


If you could play for any other roller derby team in the world who would you choose and why? I’m originally from Wakefield. The first derby match I watched was a Wakey Wheeled Cats game. I had absolutely no idea what was going on but knew it looked a right hoot. Plus, if I played with the WWCats my grandparents (both in their 90s) could come to watch... although that just might finish them off. I’d go for Rainy City, so I could wear purple and have Lily Gaskell mentor me, in derby and in life – she has a chocolate company!


“We came to the Habour Cup against Rotterdam and GO-GO Gent on a high from our win in Eindhoven. We knew we has one of the strongest teams we’ve had for years. We were focused, working well together and had an incredible bench crew. But we knew it was going to be tough. Not least because the floor was the worst (and weirdest) most of us had ever skated on – it was like skating on glue. It took a lot of getting used to, but we got into a rhythm really fast.” SKATE BUSH

Would you rather be hunted by a cat sized shark or a shark sized cat? I’ll go for a cat sized shark as that’s just a fish really isn’t it? I reckon I could handle that. I’d love to see a massive house cat. A cat sized shark, because a shark sized cat is literally a massive lion.

“On the night of the after party me and roommate Emma the Condemner put on our pyjamas, had tea and stroopwaffels and watched The Voice Junior Edition in bed. Several of ‘The Kids’ popped in to show off their space disco costumes. After everyone else left we donned our identical outfits and headed out to find the party. We stayed until we realised noone would remember us leaving, then headed back for more tea. Hardcore!” HAIRY FAIRY

If you suddenly found yourself on stage (and on skates) at Britain’s Got Talent, what would you do? Kit ‘N’ Run (Brighton Rockers): You’ve tapped in to my nightmares. I think I can remember about half of the ‘Singing in the Rain’ tap dance choreography from when I was 12. Yep, that (on wheels). Mauled Eagle (Glasgow Roller Derby): Panic, and then probably do a spectacular fall whilst trying not to.

The history of the Rockers told through interpretative dance, featuring joy, triumph, defeat, chanting, a lot of arm waving and 80s lycra. [Not exactly sure about the practicalities of portraying a full contact sport as a one-woman show, but if all else fails we’ll stick by the old theatre adage ‘you can’t polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter.’]


A derby themed circus show where skaters attempt to pass a glittery helmet cover whilst skating on a tightrope.


A re-enactment of the classic derby film Whip It but featuring a cast of roller skating whippets and set in Yorkshire.