It has now been over one year since the TCU Senate shut down following their failure to agree on a new budget.
The group of 31 senators was unable to reach the 18 votes needed to pass a budget; they were split 15-16. An in-depth analysis of the Senators’ social media found that all 15 Senators in favor followed the Tufts Democrats, and the 16 not in favor all followed the Tufts Tribune. The new budget, which would have passed on Oct 1, 2024, renewed Tufts’ 250+ club budgets that were approved during Covid.
TCU President Dhruv Sampat took to the floor last week to issue the following statement:
“The Tufts Democrats are holding our Senate hostage,” Sampat said, “we cannot allow them to waste all our money on small culture clubs.”
Sampat’s language was fiery and divisive — aimed at riling up his supporters. However, a Tufts Daily survey has revealed that after one year and 30 days
of the shutdown, exactly zero (0) people had noticed.
When asked how the shutdown went so under-the-radar, Emma Roids, the president of a small culture club said the following: “We haven’t been able to get money from the TCU senate in five years, I kind of just assumed it had all been embezzled away.”
A Class of 2027 Senator said, “this is the worst thing that has ever happened to college students ever. The Tufts student body has hurt something that’s more vulnerable even than our vital organs: they hurt our feelings.”
In response to the Tufts community’s general ambivalence, the TCU Senate has put
“We’re so excited for people to finally notice the Senate’s hard work,” one Class of 2028 Senator, who wished to stay anonymous, said. When asked about the “mandate” aspect, he said: “We like to think of it less as a mandate and more of a highly encouraged suggestion.”
Section 1 of the Resolution designates December 25th, Jumbo’s Birthday, as TCU Senate Appreciation Day, mandating a Tuftonias-reminiscent celebration on Fletcher Field. According to the Resolution: ”[TCU Appreciation Day] will be celebrated on Fletcher Field; there must be no less than four (4) food trucks with lines no shorter than one (1) hour in length.”
Instead of words, Section 4 of the Resolution simply contains every Senator’s Venmo QR code and the prayer-hands emoji. One massive QR code is titled: “Paying off the Senate’s debt.”
“If people want more money for their clubs, they better start forking over some cash,” a newly-elected Class of 2029 Senator shared in an email to the Daily.
Finally, Section 9 of the Resolution outlines the following punishment for those who do not comply with the mandates: “Any student found in violation with the aforementioned requirements will be permanently relocated to a room in Blakeley Hall or Hill Hall.”
DAILY DYLAN THROAT GOAT / THE TUFTS DAILY
Only Drew has the key.
Maxney Launderer Fraudsociate Editor
BREAKING: Carm is NOT gluten-free
Lucus and Theo
There’s a reason the Fresh at Carmichael! pancakes are so good. Behind the closed doors of the kitchen, something sinister is happening. And it goes all the way to the top…
In an anonymous statement to the Daily, a student working at Carm revealed that everything served at the dining hall is oozing with gluten. Carm’s food is not gluten-free and by all indications, never has been. The anonymous informant has not been personally heard from since.
In a statement to the Daily, Patrick Collins, director of media relations, wrote: “The student is taking a mental health break in Belize.”
The conspiracy has many levels. First, the Tufts Dining employees are instructed to sprinkle King Arthur Baking Company Unbleached All-Purpose Flour on every item served. These employees are forced to comply by the Director of Tufts Dining, Patti “The Gluten Czar” Klos (PTGCK).
You might be wondering, why does PTGCK care? “SHOW ME THE MONEY!” we request.
The rabbit hole goes deeper. The glutenous gluten queen is being payed by BIG pharma companies.
Tufts Daily reporters found a copy of PTGCK’s financial records accidentally left in a scrap pile next to a Tisch Library printer. The records revealed that PTGCK received a multitude of payments ranging from 6-7 ?cents to 6.7 billion dollars from the consumer conglomerate Proctor and Gamble.
Among Proctor and Gamble circles, he is referred to as Pope John Proctor II.
A close aide to Proctor reported that BIG pharma companies push organizations like Tufts Dining to falsely label gluten-filled food as gluten-free. Poisoning the gluten-insensitive leads to more peo-
We know your eyes rested on that word “Proctor” for a split second longer. Yes. The wormhole is always deeper. Beloved professor David “Tilton Towers” Proctor (DTTP) is involved. DTTP happens to be an heir of Proctor and Gamble, and has shares in many big pharma companies.
ple getting sick and thus having to buy Big Pharma’s medicine. Haven’t you ever wondered why ALL of the freshmen get sick when they get here? It’s not because of the “flu,” but because of Pope Proctor II and PTGCK’s scheme to poison the gluten-free population of Tufts University.
If you think that’s as deep as the conspiracy goes, you’re dead wrong. YES…the cornhole goes even deeper. A certain econ professor associated with various drug-dealing groups happens to have a major stake in many of these big pharma companies, personally investing stocks in the healthcare market and profiting off of the illness of the freshmen and those poisoned by “gluten-free” options at Carm.
To help big pharma’s big gluten agenda, this professor has been caught sprinkling flour on Carm pizza, and other Carm delicacies. The Tufts Daily reached out to this professor, but he was too high to even utter the words: “Yes I agree to being recorded.”
Ever wonder why all those ambulances go to Carm? Of course…there is always another layer of the onion. TEMS is in on this, too. The more gluten-allergic students who unknowingly eat gluten at Carm, the more who need attention from TEMS.
“JUST… JUST… JUST… GIVE ME THE MONEY,” the TEMS director wrote in an email to their soldiers who are told to follow orders. The more money is given to TEMS, the less money you have for free laundry or air conditioning. Yes, as we all know at Tufts University, it’s always about the money.
TCU President Sampat orders new “Jumbo Guard” to deal with Carm mice problem, distraction from Monaco files?
Joe-sue Perizz Head Bitch-in-Charge
Tufts Communities Unions
Senate President Dhruv Sampat has established a new “Jumbo Guard” intended to eradicate the mice problem at Carmichael Hall once and for all.
In a press conference with the Daily — because everyone else is a magazine — Sampat illustrated his plan:
Hire students to join the Jumbo Guard, with stipends of $3000 each. Remain as president indefinitely, citing emergency powers in the TCU Constitution. Send the Jumbo Guard with extermination equipment and search through every room in Carm on any day at any given time. Keep a member of the Jumbo Guard in every room at all hours to shoot any rat that appears. Including your white boyfriend.
Sampat did not initially disclose that the stipends would come from defunding all media clubs. Joe-sue Perizz. The Observer, Zamboni, and several other magazines informed the Daily that their money had suddenly evaporated.
“We have no more money to invest in KumarCoin,” Jack Hoff, an Observer editor, said. “Our investments sustained us during the Sampat Axe cuts.”
An anonymous freshie told the Daily: Joe-sue Perizz “I’m afraid my white boyfriend will get shot, he kind of has a rat face, but I love him for it.”
The Daily confirmed that this person’s boyfriend does have a rat face, lives at Carm, and has cheated on this person. Go figure.
Junior Nunya Biseness said the Guard’s establishment was
“ridonkulous.”
“That said, I’m glad to be out of Carm,” she said. “The white boyfriend problem was pandemic levels of crazy. They ought to put Somerville’s Rat Czar on that.”
Sampat clarified that Somerville’s Rat Czar, Colin Zeigler [Joe-sue Perizz], would in fact be present on campus within a week to work on a quarantine dome around Carm.
“It’ll be a magnificent dome,” he said. “Better than you’ve ever seen before. Haven’t quite seen a dome
in the height of the hill. No one has noticed that the walks never get easier, but harder. Kumar is believed to have allowed the hollowing out the hill for Monaco to construct a “Rat Lab.”
The work on the Academic Quadrangle — stupid ass full name — has been speculated to be a front to increase the height of the hill by slowly extending the scaffolding placed within the “hill.”
Students Against Tony’s Antagonistic Nefariousness has been established as an advocacy
like we do in the current plans. It’s fully meant to cleanse Carmichael Hall of the white boyfriend — sorry, the rodent issue.”
Some students believe that the establishment of the Jumbo Guard is meant to distract from growing speculation of University President Sunil Kumar being listed in the Monaco Files.
Since former university president Tony Monaco stepped down in 2023, Joe-sue Perizz rumors have spread that Monaco has personally financed a gradual increase
club, calling for the release of the Monaco files and the destruction of the scaffolding under the hill.
The Daily sent several writers to investigate the Quad worksites and try to find the entrance to the scaffolding. Most writers were eaten alive by a swarm of rats that would emerge from the surface the moment they stepped foot on the worksite. That’s what happens when they don’t turn in their articles on time. Joe-sue Perizz.
A member of the daily started dating a rat boyfriend who has been
in hiding due to the Jumbo Guard’s presence in Carm. She was granted exclusive access to the construction site on the Academic Quad and reported back that there is an underground rat kingdom that regularly sends rats to live in Carm. She spotted Monaco sitting on a large golden throne with a moat of freshman tears surrounding it.
The Daily was able to determine the truth of the Monaco files by giving our writer a pair of Meta glasses, recording the entire thing. The footage, which we cannot show due to the sheer amount of white rat boyfriends present, shows Monaco giving a speech to the rats.
“We will reclaim Carm,” King of the Rats Monaco said. “We will use it to show a force oppositional to President Sampat! He is overreaching his authority as TCU President, and we will stop him!”
In a statement to the Daily, Patrick Collins, director of media relations said, “Due to the statement of institutional plurality, President Kumar nor anyone in the administration will not comment on the situation.”
The Daily discovered that Joesue Perizz Tufts has hired a new Interim Associate Assistant Vice Deputy Dean Provost for War Against the Jumbo Guard. The position is currently unclear, as are all the deans, but it is highly probable that the university will seek to protect its white rat boyfriends against President Sampat’s efforts to eradicate “all of the rats from Carm.”
Will the white rat boyfriends succeed in installing Tony Monaco as the leader of the Tufts Rats Military Junta? Will President Sampat succeed in exterminating all of the rats in Carm? Read our next edition…
Luceo
ghost of tufts alumna gina grant, famous for pummeling mother to death with candlestick, wants to clear her name
Jason Hawes
if you are a resident of busH hall, you may have noticed the ghostly figure of gina grant — the class of 1999 alumna infamous for her mother-murdering adolescence — floating about at night. that’s right, grant’s spirit still haunts the hallways of her freshman dorm. but fret not: she’s completely harmless, unless the sight of 90s low rise jeans and pencil thin Eyebrows shocks you dead. grant’s spirit refuses to rest until she is able to clear her name for good. in an Exclusive interview with the daily, she sat down and discussed her notorious campus reputation. this interview has been edited to be longer and less clear. read the transcript here: tufts ghost hunter (tgh): hi, gina. thank you for agreeing to this inter-
view — i’m very honored to be speaking with you today. how are you?
gina grant (gg): pretty awful. i haven’t sLept in days. these freshmen are driving me crazy with their halloween parties. god, tufts really is lax about underage drinking, but when i commit one little crime, suddenly everyone gets their panties in a twist and wants to act all holier-than-thou. ‘gina, you can’t kill your mom!’ ‘gina, you can’t lie about your criminal record on your college applications!’ these double standards, i swear!
tgh: speaking of your criminal record, i wanted to ask you about the day of the murder. what was going through your head?
gg: ugh, i knew you were gonna ask me about that.
LABUBU TO REPLACE JUMBO STATUE!!! #SYBAU
tgh: well, yeah … this is an interview.
gg: everyone wants to talk about me killing my mom, but they don’t care about the real me. hell, i was fourteen when i did that! i’m a completely different person now, and i’m just trying to let bygones be bygones. everyone has an embarrassing story from that time in their life. you know, the prefrontal cortex isn’t even fully developed until you’re, like, 20, so i can’t even really be blamed for my decision. it’s my child brain’s fault, not mine.
tgh: so, you do think it was a bad decision to kill your mom?
gg: hell no! she was a bitch! i just don’t understand why people were all uPpity about it. i mean, i served my nickel in juvie —
tgh: wait, didn’t you only do eight months?
gg: don’t cut me off. i served my eight months in juvie, i don’t know why everyone was acting like i got off scot-free. you think dewick is bad, imagine what i was eating for those eight months. yeah, it was nasty. so make like elsa and let it go, people!
tgh: is that why you didn’t disclose your criminal record on your college applications?
gg: hah, it was because there’s a whole extra writing prompt for criminals, and i wasn’t trying to write
Tufts University to replace its iconic Jumbo statue with a giant 24k Labubu statue, according to DADDY KUMAR. The beloved Jumbo statue will be removed on 4/20, and it will subsequently be relocated to Northeastern University’s Oakland campus. The athletic teams will now be known as “The Labubus” and the student body as “The Labulabus.” In these unprecedented times, who knows what campuses Labubus will invade next. P U M P K I N
any more college application essays.
tgh: seriously?
gg: no, idiot! of course it’s because i didn’t want them to know! i’m smart, like, really smart, and i wanted to be judged on grades alone. and look — i got into harvard and columbia! but of course, they had to go and rescind my applications when some Jerk brought it up again. i was stuck with the bottom of the barrel, the only school desperate enough to take me: medford state, i like to call it.
tgh: the new york times published an article about you saying that harvard found out about your criminal record through a packet of newspaper clippings sent anonymously to the university. any guesses who sent that?
gg: i bet it was my grandma. she was always such a snitch.
tgh: some people seemed really hesitant about you coming to tufts. it says in this harvard crimson article that some students were hanging up satirical posters about you that said “blue lights, safety shuttles, killers.”
gg: ugh, i reMember that article. some girl had the audacity to say in an interview that she didn’t want to end up rooming with me. joke’s on you, kim, i got a single!
tgh: how were you able to over-
come the backlash?
gg: i’ve got a pretty thick skin, so i didn’t really care. like, they were too scared to say anything to my face, just like how freshmen talk crap on sidechat or how kids write really mean rate my professor reviews. they just feel brave because it’s anonymous.
tgh: wow, that’s a really good mentality to have.
gg: also, i would just walk around with a candlestick so they’d know not to fuck with me. kidding, of course.
tgh: haha, yeah …
gg: i’m actually a really nice person, you know? like, pleasure to have in class and all that. and also, tufts loves quirky and unique. like, i’m probably the quirkiest person to graduate from this school. i’m the epitome of a tufts student!
tgh: that’s one way to look at it …
gg: it’s the only way! you know, i heard a rumor that they’re naming the new tufts dorm after me, if it ever gets finished. i think people are starting to appreciate me more.
tgh: well, thank you for your time, gina. i hope you’re able to get at least some relaxing time this weekend.
gg: yeah, we’ll see. maybe my neighbor david proctor and i will be able to hang out while all the freshmEn are out.
When John Pork, class of 2029, came to Tufts, he expected a typical college experience: overzealous problem sets, a big freshman friend group and fraternity parties. As a student-athlete, he expected to spend a lot of time running laps with his Cross Country teammates.
What he didn’t expect, however, is that he would find a community.Yet, after going to the gym every day, Pork found his people.
Pork says he first learned about saunas – and their added benefits — from one of his special friends.
“My buddy Peppa [Pig] told me the steamrooms can open your holes,” remarked Pork.
Pork was still skeptical, though. He says he only fully committed to going to the sauna after he saw a fine swine sauntering in one chilly evening. “And I was like hellooooo Puumba. Hakuna matata.”
Pumba was an experienced pole vaulter on the track team. “And boy did he vault that pole,” Pork observed. “In the sense that he um helped me recover for our long meets.”
The sauna
DiLF, LFG, FNVW, ABCDEFG123
RATS & POOT LOVATO
The tUfTs dAiLy to rebrand as the tUfTs aRtSpApEr
In a historic move for student journalism, The tUfTs dAiLy announced Monday that it will officially rebrand as The tUfTs aRtSpApEr, marking what leadership described as the paper’s “long-awaited emotional awakening.”
The decision follows years of internal debate about the paper’s true identity and at least one PowerPoint presentation titled “What Is News, Anyway?” After extended discussion, the editorial board concluded that the boundary between news and art had become “unproductive,” and that journalism, if approached correctly, should be less serious and more pretty.
Under the new editorial policy, the aRtSpApEr will continue to publish campus coverage, though stories will now be evaluated for narrative arc, tonal depth, and aesthetic coherence. Factual accuracy will remain “a guiding inspiration,” though no longer an explicit goal.
The change marks a dramatic shift for tUfTs’ oldest student publication, which has long prided itself on covering “what matters.” Editors now say they’re more interested in covering “what res-
onates, ideally in italics.”
Still, not everyone is happy about the transition. One News reporter, who asked to remain anonymous, said the move “devalues years of journalistic integrity. How can art be important?”
“I didn’t spend four semesters covering the Medford City Council to have my work reclassified as art,” A News editor added.
Other staff members have embraced the change. “It’s freeing,” said one Arts writer. “Finally, we can admit that reviewing movies and discussing pop culture was never real reporting.”
schedule will remain unchanged, though editors note that the paper will now be released “when it feels right,” since art is just vibes.
Under the new structure, the dAiLy’s traditional sections will undergo significant transformation. News will become Narratives, Opinion will be rebranded as Perspective and Tone, and Sports will merge with Arts under the umbrella category Movement. The production
Behind the scenes, the aRtSpApEr is also implementing operational changes to align production with its new aesthetic values. The transition involves a new editorial calendar, designed around lunar phases rather than Semesters, and a workflow that prioritizes “the creative flow”
over deadlines. Staff meetings have been replaced with group meditations, and the copyediting team now reviews articles for mood consistency in addition to grammar. Even the press run has been adjusted: issues will be printed on recycled watercolor paper to match the aRtSpApEr’s aesthetic goals.
Layout has also announced a new visual identity. The masthead font will shift from Times New Roman to a “gentler serif with emotional range.” Page numbers are being phased out entirely. “Now that we are an aRtSpApEr, we don’t have to be serious journalists anymore,” one Layout editor said, hot-gluing a leaf to the new paper prototype. Students across campus have responded with measured bewilderment. “I think it’s great that they’re finally acknowledging that
art is more important,” said sophomore sociology major Isabel Sel. “Like, what’s more relevant to student life—budget allocations or 8 or the Riff Off?”
Others were less convinced. “I used to believe that the dAiLy was serious journalism,” said engineering major Ben Pen. “Unfortunately, I don’t think I will be reading anymore.”
Editors maintain that the change is ultimately about accessibility. “News can be very serious and difficult to read,” said the Managing Editor of Meaning. “We want everyone to be able to understand our stories. Arts is much easier. And dumber.”
Asked whether the rebrand means the dAiLy will no longer engage in traditional investigative reporting, the editor shook their head. “We’re still investigating,” they said. “Just in a more interpretive way.”
As part of the relaunch, the paper will debut new recurring columns, including The Haunting of Hotung: A Review of Cafeteria Mood Lighting and Feeling the News: A Guided Meditation.
When asked if the publication might ever revert to its former title, the Editor-in-Chief smiled. “MaybE,” they said. “But only if it feels narratively necessary.”
Sensory Deprivation Tank’ Is The New Frontier Of Theater
It’s Theater Like You’ve Never Experienced Before: Totally Free From All Those Nasty Distractions. Your Eyes Have Nowhere Else To Look (At The Phone Open In Your Lap), Your Ears Have Nowhere Else To Listen (To The Labored Breathing Of The Senior Citizen Sitting Next To You). And Best Of All, There Are No Eyesores (Neil Patrick Harris) On Stage To Get In The Way Of Your Viewing Pleasure. Sensory Deprivation Tank Is Theater In Its Most Pure, Unadulterated State. Here At The Float Boston In Somerville, It’s Just You And The Void. “Black Box Theater Is What Inspired Me To Write Sensory Deprivation Tank,” Playwright
Jack Ingoff Told The Tufts Daily. “You See, What I Thought, What I Thought Was, What If, What If I Wrote A Play That Was Just The Black Box Theater. A Play That’s Not Just Inside The Black Box Theater, But, Like, Is The Black Box Theater Itself, You Know?” He Paused Thoughtfully, Looking At The Sensory Deprivation Tank Across The Room. “It’s Very Deep Stuff, You Know?”
Jack Ingoff’s Goal With Sensory Deprivation Tank Was To Create The Ultimate Immersive Theatrical Experience. By Submerging Audience Members Individually In Sound-Proof And Light-Proof Water Tanks, Sensory Deprivation Tank Forces Them To Come To Terms With
Their Own Mortality — And Their Own Imagination! If You Ask Me, Jack Ingoff Has Certainly Achieved His Goal. Color Me Impressed – Or Don’t, Because Color Is Merely An Abstract Concept In The World Of Sensory Deprivation Tank.
“The Problem With Most Theater Is That It’s Just Pretend,” Jack Ingoff Said. “You Got All These Actors Screwing Around On Stage, All These, These Phony Lights And Sets And Costumes. Sensory Deprivation Tank Is As Real As It Gets. Because It’s All Up Here.” He Pointed At His Forehead, Covered By Thinning Bangs. “It’s All In The Mind.”
Sensory Deprivation Tank Is Very Conducive To Creative Expression, Thrusting Audience Members Into Their
Own Individual Spotlight (Or Black Void, As It Were). Here, The Audience Is Both The Entertained And The Entertainment. It’s A Refreshing Subversion Of That Usual Stiff Dichotomy Of Theatrical Performance. Finally, The Story Is About You. And Finally, And Most Importantly, It’s About Me. My Experience At Sensory Deprivation Tank Was Especially Remarkable. Suspended In Epsom Salt Water With Nothing But Myself And The Brick Wall (Or Black Void, As It Were), I Realized What A Natural Storyteller And Performer I Am. There Was An Alien Apocalypse In My Little Black Box Theater. I Was The Only Woman, And Neil Patrick Harris
Was The Only Man. After Repopulating The Earth With Neil Patrick Harris, I Got Into The Intergalactic Telemarketing Business. My Dry Wit Charmed Every Alien I Spoke With, And I Was Earning Commissions Left And Right. I Became So Absurdly Wealthy From Telemarketing, In Fact, That I Was Able To Divorce Neil Patrick Harris And Overthrow The Alien Overlords. And So There I Was, King Of The Blue Planet.
“That’s Just Fantastic,” Jack Ingoff Told Me After He Heard My Story. “Yeah, That Story Is What’s At The Heart Of Sensory Deprivation Tank. Stories Belong To Their Audiences, You Know? People Like You Are Pushing Boundaries, In These Tanks.”
Autumn LaTulip arts
SILLY & GOOFY
Aquarius: You are going to have a great day, unless you’re Julia Segal, and all your dreams will come true! Remember: being charitable is the best way to assure more wealth in the future (my venmo is @Max-Lerner-13).
Pisces: New career possibilities will soon make themselves known…don’t hesitate to jump on worthy opportunities. Make sure to spend your first paycheck wisely (my Venmo is @Max-Lerner-13)
Aries: Release your inhibitions! Feel the rain on your skin! Venmo me @MaxLerner-13!
Taurus: Rough times are in store, especially if you’re a fire sign rising or Dylan
Tanouye. Watch out for cracks in sidewalks and friends with ulterior motives. You should board up your windows and hide your money (there’s no better place than in my Venmo balance, @Max-Lerner-13).
Gemini: Love is in the air (unless you’re Dylan Fee, then there’s only Carbon monoxide)! Open your windows, your hearts, and your legs — and there’s no better way to impress your suitor than flaunting all your wealth (my Venmo is @ Max-Lerner-13).
Cancer: Your favorite sports team is in line for quite a win, better get your bets in now (unless you happen to be Gretta Goorno, then you should watch your back). If you want to make even more money gambling, try to boost your karma (my venmo is @Max-Lerner-13).
Early Morning At The Daily
Evelyn: “Aren’t you constantly thinking about dying, or is that just me?”
Leo: You are going to be the next Pope (unless you’re Arghya Thallapragada, then you’re in line for an excommunication). Remember: the Pope must get rid of all their earthly possessions (my venmo is @Max-Lerner-13).
Virgo: Stay away from anyone dressed in green. I mean it. Nobody who’s wearing green. It’s a reverse Saint Paddy’s day. Know who you can trust. Also my Venmo is @Max-Lerner-13.
Libra: Samantha Eng: I know what you did. My Venmo is @Max-Lerner-13.
Scorpio: Lonely times are ahead of you, try to join some new clubs and find some new communities to call home. If all else fails, remember that bribery always works (my Venmo is @Max-Lerner-13).
Sagittarius: Being correctly oriented is the best way to set your self up for success. Fix your posture, you look like a cashew. Having a wallet in your pocket can skew your posture, find better places to put your valuables (my venmo is @MaxLerner-13).
Capricorn: Congratulations! You’ve won one (1) ticket to the Center for Expanding Viewpoints in Higher Education! Accept or Venmo me @Max-Lerner-13.
I, 20 M, explored my sexuality, AITA. My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We started dating in high school and chose to go to Tufts together, even though she got into Brown. Last weekend, I found myself in the ATO basement (there wasn’t a party, I was just there, because ATO’s on probation right now, RIP). And next thing I know I was necking with a feller’. We’re not open, but now I wanna be… How do I tell my prude girlfriend?
Editor’s Note: Eric Frankel is a self-described “homosexual.” The Daily feels no need to mention this; Frankel repeatedly sent alarming emails demanding we include this information. He has sent us photos of himself at Gretta Goorno’s home, threatening to cut their gas line. As of publication we are unsure of his whereabouts.
Kate:
Sorry, don’t have time for a long response this week, we can’t find my housemate. Um this sounds lit. Definitely not the asshole. Just, like, don’t tell her. What happens in ATO basement stays in ATO basement, everyone knows that.
Eric:
So after a quick chat gpt convo I learned that the history of sexuality started with Foucault! He said something about sappho but that sounds like a soup, so… I’m sorry man. I was actually just gonna paste a reddit comment response to a similar AITA but Ezra Holzapfel told me that wasn’t ‘okay.’ Ughhhh. Um. Ok I promise I’m really thinking. Jesus just give me a second!
I have a lot of questions: was this ‘feller’ more or less attractive than your prude girlfriend? Why did you feel compelled to kiss this boy and why do you now feel compelled to tell your girlfriend? How can a loving god cause such agony? You cannot answer any of these questions for me because I’m having a one way conversation with myself. So guess I just wasted ink or whatever blood The Daily uses to print its evil mistruths.
After much thought and careful consideration, I think you might share an affliction that seems common among men at Tufts but is stunningly rare– Bisexual Man. Many bear the symptoms, yet few are genuinely diagnosed. While there is no known cure to this condition, there are numerous effective remedies. I’ve had friends who have gone cold turkey on matcha, some who are now really into Joe Rogan, and some who blocked Clairo on Spotify and unblocked Kanye. All of the aforementioned treatments have varying levels of efficacy, try many and see what sticks. Don’t tell your girlfriend, she’ll use it against you, and also by speaking the sin of adultery aloud God will hear and then you’ll never get to heaven :( . My advice is to stay calm and quiet and ride your girlfriend’s inevitable financial success to being a stay-at-home-husband. Then, in the comfort of your Brooklyn Brownstone you
tryst with your vegan grocery
or
And stay out of ATO basement– when heterosexual appearing
Dress to Impress: Tufts needs a mandated twink dress code
We should be ashamed of ourselves! This past week, I have watched my fellow Tufts students crawl back into their shells, hiding behind sweaters and jackets! These are allegedly chosen for their heat-capturing ability, but I think all they capture is cowardice! Tufts students have forgotten their way in the world and must return to the way of our ancestors! In order to achieve this necessary goal, I suggest a school-wide dress code, inspired by the twinks of our past!
This school was built on the back of twinks! In fact, many historians argue that not only was Charles Tufts, the founder of this fine institution, a twink himself, but he was also the originator of
the term ‘twink!’ Close reading of his diary reveals the passage, “And there I was, be-twink two fine gentlemen!” This phrasing was most likely the result of a typo, or the equivalent for a handwritten diary, but it has clearly stuck in our daily lexicon!
Inspired by our forefather, there was a time that Tufts students followed the twink code religiously! One could not walk down the halls without seeing crop tops and petite little shorts! In fact, Professor Twunk, a twinkologist, claims that “during these times, there was no distinction between gender! Everything was twink!” We have clearly strayed from this path, with few, if any, twink honorees to be found on campus!
Nowadays, this institution is falling apart! Tuition is up, rent is up, morale is down! It seems as though the only solution is to reach into our historical catalogue, a return to what Charles Tufts intended when he first founded this university, to being a beacon on a hill! I’m saying that we need a school-wide twink dress code!
Everything must be tight! You must wear a belt of some kind each and every day! I’ll allow long pants over shorts when the weather necessitates it, but the first and second requirements still apply! These may seem like big asks, but they are a small price to pay in the face of saving Tufts University! So who’s with me?
BREAKING: Daily’s hunt rigged, top Daily officials accused of pro-Features bias
On Saturday, October 4, the “Orange Line” team, led by the features section, was awarded victory in the Daily’s semesterly hunt. However, recently uncovered information indicates that the win was actually deserved by the “Red Line” team, which consisted of the Opinion and Copy sections. Documents obtained by the Daily show crucial discrepancies between the actual earned points of each team and the supposed final totals, which would have swung the results of this event. Sources allege that these results were tallied solely by Editor in Chief Dylan Fee and Production Director Claire Wood, both of whom hold or held important roles within the Features section. Fee was executive features editor in spring of 2025 and Wood currently holds a features editor position alongside her production director role.
“I’m just so shocked,” Isaac “Zac” Bears, head of Medford City Council, said in an interview with the Daily. “I never would have expected to see such rigged results from such an esteemed publication.”
The first points discrepancy came in the “Side Quests” section of the hunt. Early on in the night, Former Editor in Chief Arghya Thallapragada and Former Managing Editor Liam Chalfonte were explicitly instructed that a side quest involving the obtaining and altering of a peer publication would result in an additional 10 points to their team (the final difference between the two teams was 2.5 points). Despite their completion of the side quest and acknowledgement of it from key Daily officials, including Fee, these points were never added to their total score.
The second discrepancy came from the “Rainbow Steps” station, where the point totals shown in the spreadsheet for
those running the station, and the point total that appeared in the final tally, show significant differences. Specifically, the total for the Orange Line team was 83.5 for the final tally as opposed to 73.5 points actually earned at the station. The total for the Red Line was also increased in the final scoring, but this boost was only from 64.5 to 69.5, only 5 points as opposed to 10 for the Orange line team, which was enough on its own to shift the outcome of the event.
The third discrepancy comes from the final, “Fletcher” station. Fee, according to numerous sources who were present at the event, said that only the team that won the relay race would earn any additional points; specifically, 50 extra points. However, internal documents obtained by the Daily show that the Orange Line team received 25 additional points at this station, despite coming in second place in the relay.
Some sources allege that the rigged results were as much due to a pro-features bias as they were a bias against the opinion section. Had the results been called correctly, this would have been the opinion section’s first victory in the hunt (as well as the first win for copy in over four years). One source, speaking on the condition of anonymity for fear of retaliation, told us that Fee made numerous disparaging comments against the opinion section before the hunt.
“I overheard her saying, ‘I hate everyone in opinion, and if they win, I plan to make changes to the hunt spreadsheet so that features wins and then feign innocence,’” the anonymous source told the Daily. [a][b]
According to numerous sources who were at the event that night, Fee and Wood refused a recount despite overwhelming calls for one. The 2.5 point discrepancy — representing only 0.1% of all points earned — falls well within the 0.5% margin
required in Massachusetts for requesting a recount.
“The University is gooped and gagged by such outrageous behavior from Tufts students,” Patrick Collins, director of media relations at Tufts, said. “We will be launching an investigation into this matter immediately. Seeing such hate from Tufts students, purposefully stealing a hunt win away from a team with so many gay execs — during pride month, no less — it’s unthinkable, and unbecoming of members of the Tufts community.” Collins did not provide further comment on whether these students may be suspended for their actions.
When asked for comment, Executive Features Editor Grace Nelson stared at me and said, “Who got the trophy, motherfucker? Anyways, shouldn’t you be writing your thesis?”
Tufts’ Hazing Prevention Training Lowkey Has Some Fire Ideas
A week ago I lost a bet, and was subjected to the worst punishment imaginable– I had to sit through the entire Tufts’ Hazing Prevention Training, without putting it on mute and scrolling reels. After only three minutes, I could feel my eyes getting heavier, as the sweet release of sleep approached. Then something incredible happened. It was as if God himself reached out from
my computer screen and gave me a taste of his divine knowledge. An idea was implanted within my brain, similar to how in Inception (2015), I wanted to implant my children inside Leonardo DiCaprio. The idea was simple. I needed to start hazing the fuck out of some freshmen.
Hazing (n.) is defined by Merriam-Webster as “a great way to bring new members of a group together.” And I’m glad to hear that Tufts as a University agrees. In the Hazing Prevention Training, there were multiple fantastic ideas for how to engage the freshmen population, including forced drinking, physical and emotional stress, and social humiliation. Surprisingly, almost none of Tufts’ student organizations participate in hazing. I verified this myself by interviewing members of various sports
teams, Greek houses, and nerd/ loser clubs. A Deer Turtle Deer brother, who bore a shocking resemblance to Kyle Rittenhouse if he was straight, had this to say about hazing in Greek life: “I find it horrifying, frankly, that anyone would even consider treating pledges our new members differently than any other member of our brotherhood. We believe in treating everyone with respect– especially those who are lesser than us.”
ZBT said something similar, and so did ATO, once I did a mandatory pre-interview land acknowledgment. DU slammed the door on me after they realized I wasn’t an impressionable freshman girl, and Tiger Chameleon did not respond, as they were too busy snorting King Arthur’s All-Purpose Flour and pretending it was cocaine.
Interestingly, the only group
that had something positive to say about hazing was Tufts’ administration themselves. “Oh yeah lmao. When Sunil got elected we made him do a three minute keg stand,” said the Executive Vice-President Mike Howard, who wished to remain anonymous. “We also have a yearly tradition where all the non-tenured professors have to recite the entire Student Code of Conduct backwards. That shit was awesome.”
With Tufts’ seal of approval, I figured it was time to start testing out some hazing rituals on some freshmen. I made my way over to the Hodgdon Hall common room, and announced that there would be an alcohol-fueled rager in a musty dormroom where everyone awkwardly stands around a JBL-Flip and refuses to acknowledge the opposite sex. Instantly, about six
or seven freshmen burst out of their dorm rooms.
I started with the setup: “Alright so, in order to get the location of this party, you need to do something first.” This was my moment. I knew I had an opportunity– one singular chance to change the trajectory of their lives, and redefine what it means to haze. I would tell them to do something so heinous, so fucked-up, that they would probably transfer out of Tufts the next morning. With everything on the line, I opened my mouth. Time slowed down. The tension was palpable. The freshmen anxiously awaited my every word. I spoke.
There was a pause, and the weight of my request seemed to sink into their brains. Finally, one freshman replied. “Dude, there’s no fucking way I’m gonna watch the Hazing Prevention Training.”
Mory Ryers
SPOOKIES
NBA moves in-season tournament to Riyadh
Lucas Diggory Quidditch Keeper
The NBA announced Tuesday that this year’s in-season tournament will officially relocate to Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, as part of what Commissioner Adam Silver described as “an exciting new partnership to grow the game inter-
Soundstorm. They praised the “continuity of world-class partners,” noting this is the stretch where Western boldfaced names touch down, nod through the talking points and pay their conscience to take the night off. The tournament, they added, “fits perfectly,” the three acts coming together to pressure-wash the Wikipedia page.
nationally and explore untapped revenue streams.”
Silver framed the move as a “natural evolution” for a league committed to global expansion.
“The tournament has always been about innovation,” he said. “Last year we added a new court design. This year we’re scrapping our morals.”
According to the league, all semifinal and championship games will be held in Riyadh’s newly constructed Horizon Dome, a 20,000-seat arena built in just six weeks by workers who, sources say, were assured wages would clear “on a rolling basis.”
Tip-off times are expected to vary between 2 and 4 A.M. Eastern to “better connect with international audiences,” while confusing domestic ones.
League officials emphasized that the partnership reflects basketball’s “universal appeal” and “commitment to cultural exchange.” When asked what specific culture would be exchanged, an NBA spokesperson paused before saying, “Mostly the profitable parts.”
with appearance fees, it’s great for me.” He later clarified that he was “talking about growing the game,” before thanking “whoever handles approvals” for letting him say that.
Kevin Durant chimed in on X: “Y’all debate ethics. I’ll get to my spots.” When a fan pushed back in the replies, Durant answered, “Call it sportswashing, laundering, dry-cleaning, hand in my face still a bucket.” Both posts were deleted minutes later.
Celtics coach Joe Mazzulla called it a “neutral floor with the same habits,” then added, “You know in The Town, they rob banks to make money. People make choices about where their money comes from. That’s not my department.”
Team owners praised the move as “a powerful alignment of values.” One Eastern Conference owner, speaking on background, said he was “thrilled for the fans and the broader community initiatives this unlocks,” before asking if international wire confirmations are “typically instant.” Mark Cuban called the decision a “big, bold swing.” He congratulated the league for “innovating aggressively,” and said he might have sold his share of the Mavs a bit too early.
moved on to the next question. When the Ringer’s Zach Lowe asked a non-approved question about the ethical concerns tied to the host, a pre-produced highlight reel interrupted the feed. The league later cited a “routine technical reset.” As of press time, Lowe could not be reached for comment.
The league also circulated an “appearance fee considerations” memo with a few individualized notes. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander requested a regulation-length tunnel “suitable for runway-quality arrivals.” Kawhi Leonard’s section ran three pages and listed his status as “attendance optional,” with minutes “to be determined on a dayto-decade basis.” Compensation could be routed through a community partner at his discretion, pro-rated by how close he gets to the scorer’s table. His availability for the tournament is still listed as questionable.
Players began weighing in within hours. On The Draymond Green Show, Green said he was “all for the move,” adding, “If it’s good enough for Dave [Chappelle], it’s good enough for me—and if it comes
Happy Halloween. In the spirit of the holiday, today’s column is dedicated to the truly terrifying developments in World Cup planning. Some of these are so absurd they might actually be real. You’ll have to guess which ones.
FIFA’s Revolutionary Democratic Reforms
In what can only be described as either a stroke of brilliance or a complete mental breakdown, FIFA has finally listened to the fans. After years of VAR controversies— last-minute goal cancellations, phantom penalties, and referees staring at screens longer than your uncle watching YouTube conspiracy theories—they’ve done the unthinkable: they’re giving power back to the people. Sort of.
Controversial calls will now be decided by a 10-minute televised debate between the referee and two chosen representatives from each country. Think presidential debate, but with more theatrical diving and fewer coherent policy positions.
We’ve already received reports that Argentina is holding democratic elections for their representative position. All candidates must first perform at a state-funded rock concert alongside President Milei to demonstrate their cultural appreciation and ability to headbang while discussing the nuances of handball violations. Early frontrunners include a former tango dancer, Maradona’s third cousin, and a guy who once yelled at Messi in a supermarket.
The Draw That Nobody’s Ready For
Here’s where things get truly brilliant from a business perspective. The official World Cup draw is scheduled for December 5th in Washington D.C., but FIFA is launching the pre-sale of tickets this Friday, October 31st. They’ve finally cracked the code: sell equally expensive tickets without people knowing what they’re actually buying.
At a pre-event media conference in Riyadh, league officials said questions would be submitted in advance so answers could “best reflect shared values.” Given the WNBA’s recent surge, with new stars and rising interest, a question was raised about a possible WNBA exhibition running alongside the event. Organizers from Riyadh said the idea was “acknowledged,” and
It’s genius, really. Why let fans make informed decisions when you can just take their money now and sort out the details later?
The draw itself faces its own complications. With the U.S. government currently shut down, there’s genuine uncertainty about whether the necessary officials will even be available to coordinate the event. Word on the street is that the whole thing is getting moved to the new ballroom—because apparently even with a closed government, maintaining that international image is what really matters.
Mexico’s Transportation Revolution
In groundbreaking news from
The winner of the tournament will receive $20 million, distributed evenly among players and staff, according to a release titled “Shared Prosperity.” Tournament partners added that stadium workers would “celebrate alongside the champions” by having their passports returned at the final horn. The winning orga-
nization will also receive the trophy — officially titled the Riyadh Cup — which seems to closely resemble an industrial barrel with a net stretched over the rim. On the underside, an engraving reads: “Brought to you by Vision 2030.” Silver reiterated that the NBA is “committed to growing the
game wherever it is welcomed,” adding that the league remains eager to expand to “any country with a court and funds available upon receipt.”
Mexico City, President Sheinbaum has announced that Ubers will finally be allowed to pick up passengers directly from the airport. This comes after decades of the taxi driver union holding the terminal hostage like it’s the Alamo.
Foreign fans arriving for the World Cup can now relax, knowing they won’t have to participate in the time-honored Mexican tradition of having your Uber driver greet you with a full hug and kiss to trick taxi drivers into thinking you’re cousins. Sources report several Uber drivers have already attended method acting classes to perfect the “long-lost family reunion” performance, just in case the new policy doesn’t stick.
Stadium Relocations
Nobody Asked For
In perhaps the most ambitious infrastructure project since the Tower of Babel, President Trump has successfully convinced FIFA President Infantino to relocate
all matches from five “unsafe and crime-ridden” U.S. cities—San Francisco, Los Angeles, Boston, New York, and Philadelphia—to his new passion project: Patriot Stadium. Located on a specially engineered floating platform in the middle of the newly christened Gulf of America (formerly known as the Gulf of Mexico, but branding is everything), the stadium promises to be “much safer, believe me.” The complex features gold-plated goalposts and what’s being described as “the most beautiful, tremendous grass you’ve ever seen.” In a move that definitely won’t complicate logistics, fans purchasing match tickets will also be required to buy regulation life vests. The U.S. government has made it explicitly clear they will not be held liable for any “unwarranted drownings, sea-related incidents.”
Happy Halloween. The scariest part? Some of this might actually happen. Pack your floaties, practice your doggy paddle, and get your sea legs ready.
See you at Patriot Stadium for the final. BYOB (Bring Your Own Buoy).
