This Week’s Headlines

Lawsuit with the Onion ongoing since 2007

EXCLUSIVE: Pressure mounts on TCSU as “diehard” students demand the return of ‘Build a Hotdog’

In a bold first move, the new President signed the ordinance stripping the divisive luncheon from the menu. Many students were ecstatic at this decision; however, a sizable portion of the college population has felt alienated, a few of which have organised a resistance movement. This so-called ‘Wiener Mafia’ have begun a gorilla war, immediately striking tcsu.net taking the main online hub of our Union down.

Fears over CompSci student redundancy

With the advent of Open AI such as ChatGPT, concerns have been raised over the future welfare of our coding peers. The theory goes that the first thing a sentient AI would want to automate is the coding of more AI. Considering GPT already corrects any user’s script, half of the CompSci’s workload is useless. Experts fear that soon these students will be floating aimlessly without direction. The College urges you to buddy up with these coders and keep their health up as they acclimatise to this new post-stackoverflow world. Missing plastic Cougar accidentally launched on Artemis 1

“Oopsie poopsie!” -NASA

Students to strike in solidarity with the rest of the country

“This was a deliberate and irresponsible attack on our institution”, a TCSU spokesperson said. “We were voted in to improve the student experience, and we will not compromise the needs of the many for the stubborn ways of the few!”

Travisty’s investigative team obtained this comment from a Mafia member: “The only reason someone would vote to remove this meal is if they are incapable of building a hotdog!”

Recently, the website went back up; however, fears about another attack hangs heavy in the air with the Porters set to DEFCON 2.

With the near-endless worker action taking place over the winter break, many other colleges have decided it is time to bring out the big guns. It started with the Etonian students of St. John’s who understood that the only way to make Westminster’s heads turn was for the most vital sector of the economy to refuse to clock into their Classics supervisions. The idea spread like wildfire through other colleges organising from the new headquarters in the King’s Graduate Bar. We will update you with the PM’s statement in due course.

New lent term formal menu to drive 7 different species to extinction

“What can I say? It’s a great menu and if I’m honest, something just tastes better if you are the last person on earth eating it!” -Gordon Ramsey