SILVER MAGAZINE PILOT ISSUE 2019 www.silvermagazine.co.uk

CHIC

THE DAWN OF house MUSIC

Unless it’s absolutely relevant or necessary, you won’t find content in this magazine that rams the ‘over 50’ tag down your throat.

What you’ll find, I hope, is just stuff that you’re interested in and inspired by. And hey, you might even be under 50 and reading this magazine and still enjoy it, because NEWSFLASH there’s subjects in this world that are timeless and ageless, like ooh, say, culture and travel and food and fashion and serious issues and sport and business and for goodness’ sake just about anything else in the whole wide world. Because guess what? Everyone likes that stuff.

What we do promise though, is to take into consideration your experience. Your wisdom. Your knowledge and strength, and all the other gold that you’ve spent years carefully mining.

We know you’re full to bursting with history and laughter, as well as being world-weary and bearing some battle scars. And those things only come with the passing of years. The rich tapestry of life.

We’re all about wearing your wisdom and age with pride. Forget being great ‘for your age’. You’re just great. And you don’t hit your maturity without taking some wounds. So let’s celebrate and support that, together.

I hope you enjoy SILVER. Life begins...

Sam Harrington-Lowe Silver Magazine Founder

#LifeBegins

Tasty THINGS

Julie Burchill

Joe McGann

Fashion shoot

Beauty pages

Confessions of a funeral crasher

Summer of Love revisited

Guest columnist

Gustav Temple of The Chap

Car review BMWi8

Julie Graham problem page 5 78

LIFE BEGINS

SILVER BEGINS

Everything that has a birth date and time also has a planetary and star map alignment, including Silver Magazine. TV astrologer

Claire Petulengro has Silver’s birth chart and predictions for success…

“The magazine’s production is located across two main locations; Shoreham by Sea and Tunbridge Wells, and the magazine’s birth date has been identified as 12 noon, Tuesday 19th November.

“I see that Mercury is preparing to turn direct, meaning that the success of this magazine will reach further afield than those involved perhaps think possible. There may be teething problems on day one, maybe into day two; but after that, watch out! This is one publication people will be clamouring to get their advice and inspiration from.

“Better get your passports ready Team Silver, it looks like success is written in the stars for you.”

Follow Claire Petulengro to find out your future. Live readings available. facebook.com/claire.petulengro

TRAVEL BEGINS

Thisisaskiingtripthat’sabitoff-piste. Areinventionofthewintersportsbreak,this fully-organisedpackageseesyoutakingoff fromLondoninalittleBA32-seater,and straddlingaweek’sactivitiesbetweentwo resorts,LAAXandDavosKlosters.Launching inFeb20,this7-nighttripinvitespassionate skierstoexperiencetheluxuryofprivate chartertravelforafractionoftheprice,and enjoyover500kmofpistesacrosstwoskiareas. Maximumskiingtime,minimumhassle

From£1,550pp theskigetaway.co.uk

BEGIN TO SLEEP BETTER

Ah the menopause – making women hotter than fire since time began. And generally mostly at night, are we right? Well, this might help. It’s a customisable duvet that means you can choose two sides – hot or not – and enjoy sharing a bed again with someone whose core temperature would melt gold. You simply log in, pick your tog depth for each side, and sink into bed. Night night.

HotandNotDuvetfromNanu from£50 nanusleep.co.uk

AND SO IT BEGINS (AGAIN)

It Gets Worse is the second instalment of Nick Lezard’s rueful, dissolute life. At home in the Hovel, his bachelor existence makes a further descent into chaos, the misadventures arefacedwithsardonicwit,pathos,and somethinglikedissidentwisdom.

Silverrecommends

ItGetsWorse£9.99paperback saltpublishing.com

WAGGING BEGINS

Yes okay, we know. But we love this (and Sam made us include it). Don’t forget your doggie best friends this season, with this candy cane packed with treats and gifts.

DogCandyCane £15first4hampers.com

Smooooooooth moooooove

Tasty things

A FEW THINGS TO FIZZ UP THE FESTIVE LARDER THIS SEASON

We love Beef Wellington but it’s a faff, so here’s the fix.

Donald Russell has a Wellington with truffles and you don’t even need to make it. It comes to your door, ready-made and frozen, and you just whack it in the oven. Grass-fed, fully matured, succulent beef fillet, and made with black truffles. Heaven.

£35 www.donaldrussell.com

Put some fizz on your crumpet

Sour Cherry & Prosecco Jam has got us excited. This is a new, lightly-set jam. An excellent store cupboard standby, it’s a cracking accompaniment to duck, a great filling for all sorts of cakes – particularly chocolate – and is simply delicious on your breakfast toast.

£2.99 www.hawksheadrelish.com

BOOZY ETON MESS IN A GlAsS

Aldi has been named the best place to get into the festive spirit this Christmas, as the supermarket scooped an incredible haul of medals at this year’s Spirits Business Liqueur Masters. A Gold Medal was awarded to the brand new Ballycastle Strawberry & Cream Liqueur and we can see why. If you love Baileys but fancy a change, this is for you.

£9.99 per bottle

www.aldi.co.uk

Bring home the facon

Not everyone wants their food with a face, and this is delicious. Waitrose has launched their own label vegan bacon alternative. Made from seitan, these smoky streaky slices and pieces are great for a vegan fry-up or in an alternative facon sandwich. A rich, smoky and earthy flavour, cured in maple syrup.

We’re seriously impressed, and we take some pleasing.

From £1.99 at Waitrose

Shaken, not stirred

Move over M&S, an independent British start-up has launched a range of super-premium bottled cocktails. The bartender-quality cocktail range is made with artisan spirits from around the world – we’re loving the Negroni. To drink, simply pour over ice and pretend you’re at The Ritz.

£15 per bottle

www.tomsavano.com

aboutTalking my generation

THE ENFA NT TERRI BLE THE ENFA TERRINT BLE THE ENFA TERRINT BLE THE ENFANT

TERRIBLE (almost)

GROWS UP

Most of her milestones passed in a blur, but after her 60th Julie Burchill IS CLEAN, RICH... AND STILL TROUBLE

I wellremember my birthday20th - I locked my- self in my andbathroom cried in - consolably.

I remember well my 20th birthdayI locked myself in my bathroom and cried inconsolably. This was quite understandable, seeing as how I was married alive to Tony Parsons at the time, but I also wept because I genuinely believed I would now be *past it*. Having achieved my ambition of being a published writer before I was old enough to vote, I really believed that it would be all downhill from thereon in.

The big birthdays after that - 30, 40, 50passed me by in a blur of booze and cocaine. But I approached my 60th birthday this year with a reasonably clear mind and an unexpectedly revived writing career. I found that I viewed the occasion with nothing worse than mild surprise that - in the words of the song - I’m still here. Whew, that went fast!

I’m overweight, have tinnitus, chronic insomnia and feet which look like they’ve been run over by a callous millennial skateboarder. But I don’t find myself missing my youthful beauty one bit; look at the prize pair of poltroons it *got* me in the marriage market before I was even thirty! I really hated being told ‘You’re too pretty to be a journalist’ by visiting American musicians (ALWAYS Yanks!) and being asked ‘How much?’ by strange men in the street - something which started when I was a tall blonde 12-year-old in a school uniform, so I’ve had a good innings of being objectified.

times I was written off as a rude snob simply because I was too scared to talk to people. But I’ll talk to anyone now.

I’m more patient than I once was, too, though my awareness that I have more of my earthly life behind me than ahead has made me feel puzzled at people who seem to believe they have an infinite amount of time to waste. One area where my patience has waned is with the young; individually they are charming, but was there ever a generation less robust in their attitude to being offended? I’ve never cared what people think of me and this, more than any other quality except my talent, has contributed to my ongoing happiness.

I’m weight,over-have chronictinnitus,in- somnia and feetlookwhich they’velikebeen run over by a callous millennial skateboarder.

If people are so touchy when they’re young and strong, one can only imagine what sort of miserable oldsters they’re going to turn into, when they really will have something to moan about as their brains and bodies break down.

Losing a bit of health and beauty is a small price to pay for no longer being shy or scared.

Me, I’m going to carry on causing offence and doing good, marvelling that I’ve made so much money and had so much fun doing the only job I ever wanted. Losing a bit of health and beauty is a small price to pay for no longer being shy or scared.

Some ageing women complain of feeling *invisible* but for me it’s not a problem, which may have something to do with being 5 foot 10 with a good rack and a bad attitude.

As my looks have faded, my confidence has grown. I was an excruciatingly shy adolescent, a situation probably not helped by my dressing up like a Vegas hooker in the skintight satin and tat of my tribe, the Glitter Kids, and then wondering why men were perving over me. I can’t count all

I’m not romanticising old age - I know it can be lonely and challenging, but then so can childhood, adolescence and middle-age. But if I – who made it as a teenager, was fetishised in her profession for being The Voice Of Youth, and was the oldest *enfant terrible* in the hacking racket until well into her thirties – can navigate it with boldness and curiosity, anyone can.

I’m overweight, have tinnitus, chronic in somnia and feet which look like they’ve been run over by a callous millen nial skateboarder.

CRIMINALLY GOOD READS

‘Sensational’ Lee Child

‘Just gets better and better’

Independent

‘Absolute genius’ 

real reader review

‘Faultless’

 real reader review

‘Superb’ 

real reader review

of the morning, and the light at about 8.30am on my balcony would be perfect, a nice bounce off the river too, to light me kindly.

Next morning, I arranged the chair and framed the shot. This involved me fiddling about arranging books, cushions and various toilet bag items in such a way as to keep my iPhone steady. After some swearing, we were set. Action.

“The constant existential tussle of the jobbing actor; the thin line between confidence and self -delusion.”

THESELFTAPE

It’s become a part of every professional actor’s life. The call from the agent comes:

“A CASTING DIRECTOR WOULD LIKE YOU FOR A PART, BUT THEY’VE ASKED YOU TO SELF-TAPE AN AUDITION FOR THEM.”

I have to admit that my heart always sinks. I’ve sent off at least 15 of these and have yet to get the job. I have tended to complete and send these tapes under sufferance, disdainfully even, so as not to get my own hopes up unrealistically. The constant existential tussle of the jobbing actor; the thin line between confidence and self-delusion.

The call comes, I am on holiday in Goa. Could I please self-tape a scene and get it back in 24 hours?

It was for a part in a US TV mini-series about the men behind Harley-Davidson; a good gig, in other words, so I resolved to give the self-tape thing another go, and to do it in good heart.

I had three A4 sides of a scene to learn, and would also need to hint at the character and the setting (1920s America). I plumped for a blue chambray shirt and a vintage Paisley bow-tie, with a linen jacket. The daytime temperature was reaching 35, so I’d shoot it in the cool

We did three takes and I picked what I thought was the best. This is tough but I plumped for the one in which I looked least needy, and sent it to my agent in London. Went off to the beach and put it out of my mind. Que sera sera, as Doris wisely sang.

I arrived back to find I’d been offered the job. Woo-hoo! I’d broken my self-tape duck. What made the difference? Was it my delivery, my accent, the cleft in my chin? Was it the beautiful setting, or respect for my 35 years of experience?

Ultimately I reckoned it was the Paisley bow tie. There’s something about a man who ties his own bow tie. A solidity; a trustworthiness alongside cool savoir-faire that harks back to the great days of Hollywood. Perhaps, anyway.

@JosephMcGann

“I’ve a fine felt hat, a stout pair of brogues, and I’ve rosin in my pocket for my bow...”

Lock&CoHattersFairbanks felttrilbyhat£460

Elegantly contoured and handmade from smooth felt, with an up-curved brim, tonal grosgrain band and soft satin lining. matchesfashion.com

JoeBrownTuscanyBrogueboots£70

In a rich shade, with a wooden stacked heel and contrast navy laces, they’re the ultimate inishing touch. joebrowns.co.uk

Self-tienavylargepaisley silkbowtie£19.99

Classic English Style tailoring since 1880. Made using 100% woven silk and featuring a collar adjuster to make sure they sit perfectly on your shirt. thetiestore.co.uk

COOL AS FHHK

(and we don’t mean French Connection UK)

Three women are becoming the people they were always

finding the cool that was

always there.

meant to be,

Walktall,beproud. You’vealways youhadthepower,justhadtofindit.

Walk tall, be proud. You’ve always had the power, you just had to find it.

Shot on location at: REGENCY TOWN HOUSE, Hove www.rth.org.uk

Photographer:ErikaSzostak www.erikaszostak.com

Photographer’sassistant:MattRyan @threepinreset

Productionmanager:SamHarrington-Lowe @samhl

Hairstylist:IoannaAlexiaPitsillou-Kruizenga @yoalexiakruiz

MUAs: Rachel Rae @raemua96

Runners:EllisFergar,SanderMatulewicz

DAWN wears…

Turquoise vintage Dorothy Perkins ruffle dress

SOLD community charity shop Shoreham

White vintage furry shrug and pink sunglasses stylist’s own

SAM

I’m Samantha Quinlan, a businesswomen and a single mum of a beautiful teenage girl. I create behavioural, mental and emotional health care events across Europe. My early years at RADA revolved around my desire to soak up the curtain call of appreciation; however the universe had a different plan. I ended up brawling with my inner demons of failure and developed bad habits around substance abuse. I spent years working for a theatre company, managing a band, and working at the famous Ridge Farm music studios. After a trip to Edinburgh, Katherine Perry and I set up Brighton Fringe Festival. Life had a plan for me though, and I went into treatment for substance addiction, which changed everything. I found myself in joyful recovery, married, had a baby and set up an addiction treatment centre offering equine assisted psychotherapy – horses helping people – before finally embarking on creating my health care events across the globe.

To my younger self I would say Lay off the booze and the drugs, just try to ask for help and learn to love yourself as a perfectly imperfect person.

I have learned That no matter how bad it gets, it is possible to turn it around. That my value system isn’t how much money I have, the car I drive or the job I hold. That my family and friends are my greatest gifts, and they are precious. My ethos is However scared, anxious, or exhausted I am, I look straight ahead and keep on walking, and every now and again I have a little boogie. God it’s a good feeling.

Ambitions and dreams

To get back on the stage and soak up a curtain call. Oh yes and learn to surf!

Advice

Don’t put off what you can do today till tomorrow. Be spontaneous, and whether you need a cup of tea, a bit of a cry, or just to connect with someone, do it now.

JAN

My name is Jan Irvine, turning 69 this year, much to my amazement! I am a working artist specialising in drawing the moving body; also creating collages and more recently, landscapes in ink.

I went to art school. I thought I would do fine art, but ended up on the fashion course. On one level I loved it, but didn’t enjoy much of the work involved; pattern cutting, dressmaking, tailoring, shoe design, jewellery making, history of art…. But now I appreciate all that I learnt, and still make use of many of the skills.

I have two healthy, talented gorgeous children aged 32 and 39. They didn’t come without some problems. Amongst the births I also suffered miscarriages, and lost little Jennie, who died at six weeks.

I have lost several very dear friends, my eldest brother, and my father to cancer, and my mother to Alzheimer’s. I have been privileged to be present at three of those deaths. All of these experiences changed me irrevocably, for the better.

To my younger self

I would say

Be yourself, enjoy who you are, and make friends with people because you like them, not because you want them to like YOU.

I have learned Twhat people will always matter more than things. My ethos is

To be honest with myself. To use the gifts I’ve been given wisely, not waste them... and whatever I do, do it to the best of my ability. Most of all, to be kind.

Ambitions and dreams

To have a successful show; London, New York… I’m not fussy. To be healthy into old age, and keep my marbles.

Advice

It is very important to tell those dear to you how much you love them...NOW!

Jan wears… Sisley pussybow inshirtwhite, ASOS Cotton…40midi withskirt

JAN wears…

Sisley pussybow shirt in white, ASOS £40

Cotton midi skirt with tie belt and ruffle hem in terracotta, ASOS £25

Earrings stylist’s own

inruffleandtiebelthem terracotta, ASOS …25 Earrings stylist’sown

...love yourself as a imperfectperfectly person

(SAM)

Sam wears Vintage black velvet jacket from SOLD community charity shop

SAM wears… Vintage black velvet jacket, from SOLD community charity shop Shoreham Model’s own trousers and shoes

Shoreham Model’s own trousers and shoes

Dawn wears Vintage black pinstripe, SOLD community charityshop Shoreham SilverOka Leather Casual Shoe, Ravel

DAWN wears…

Vintage black pinstripe dress, from SOLD community charity shop Shoreham

Silver Oka Leather Casual Shoe, Ravel £85

DAWN

I’m Dawn Wilson and I am a wellbeing coach, fully qualified hypnotherapist and nutritional chef. I run workshops and retreats helping women to rejuvenate their health and vitality, particularly in the second phase of their life. My childhood was not the happiest. My mother was in poor health and my father left when I was only two. I would go to sleep at night envisioning a life of grandeur. I left home at 17, with a passion for fashion. I moved to London when I was 20, and started doing clothes parties in the evenings. Two years later I had a shop in Kensington called Dance till Dawn, a dress hire agency with my own designs. Exciting times. I bought myself a lovely flat near Hyde Park, was dating a lord and travelling abroad a lot. Then there was a recession.

While in Bali I became interested in Buddhism and living a more spiritual life. I learnt about energy healing, raw foods and juices, and went deeper into spiritual practices. Later I became a hypnotherapist and energy healer at Regents Park College and also a raw food chef.

To my younger self I would say Don’t feel the pressure to look or behave a certain way. Just relax and celebrate being you. You are unique

I have learned

That getting older has set me free I like the person I have become. Ihave no time to harbour bitterness, resentment or jealousy. I see my wrinkles as a part of me.

My ethos is

If there’s one thing in life I have learned, it is that we can be anything we want to be regardless of age. We can be sure that things will always change and when we roll and go with it the journey is easier.

JAN wears… ASOS DESIGN

Tall soft shirt in sheer, £35

All jewellery stylist’s own

...make friends with becausepeople you like them, not because you want them to like you.

(JAN)

INFINITE Icon

A

PRO-COLLAGEN

DIFFERENT STROKES the ageing skin you’re in

Joyce Connor

on how skin types age differently and how broad brush strokes don’t suit everyone’s palettes.

It’s a relief to see improved diversity in the field of beauty, but there’s still a long way to go.

Now we’re finally starting to see decent makeup ranges for all skin tones, it’s time to look at ageing skin with a specialist approach. When it comes to both makeup and skincare, what worked for you at 25 doesn’t always work as well at 55. And Caucasian skin at 55 is very different from African/Caribbean skin or Asian.

FIRSTLY, AT WHAT AGE DOES SKIN START TO CHANGE AND SHOW SIGNS OF AGE?

All skins are different. European and Caucasian skin typically starts to show signs of ageing at around 25 years, especially in very pale skins. Asian skin will start to show signs of ageing at around the age of 40/45 years of age, and African and Caribbean skin will start showing signs of age at around 55 years of age. Obviously this is a generalisation but a reasonable rule of thumb.

HOW COME IT’S ALL SO DIFFERENT!?

Melanin and genetics play a big part in the ageing process. European/Caucasian skin has the least amount of melanin and is therefore more susceptible to sun and UV damage, which causes rapid ageing. Asian skins have medium melanin production, so have some UVA protection which will slow the ageing process. African/Caribbean skins have the highest amount of melanin, which gives a much higher level of UVA protection. To help protect you, ALL skin types should wear a minimum SPF15 throughout the year to protect skin from sun damage and UVA rays.

HEADING INTO OUR FIFTIES AND BEYOND, WHAT IS THE BEST SKIN CARE ROUTINE?

Asourskinagesweneedtousedifferentskincareroutines tothosewehadwhenwewereyounger.Caucasian/ Europeanskinstendtobemuchdrierbecauseofthe lackofmelanin,andfromsundamage.Inyourfifties, increaseexfoliationtoatleastonceaweekandadda dailyoilorserum,andweeklymasktoyourskincare routine.Retinolbasedproductsfornighttime,and adailySPF20inwinterandSPF30insummer.

Asianskinstendtobemoredehydratedandwillbenefit byusingahydratingmaskweeklyandadailyfacial spritztokeepskinhydratedthroughouttheday.

African/Caribbeanskinstendtobeoilerbecauseofthe highermelaninlevels,butthisreduceswithage.Using anightlyfacialoilcontainingvitamincwillbrighten skininwinter,andaweeklyrefiningmaskforthosewith slightlyoilerskins.Exfoliationisimportantforallskin typestoincreasethepenetrationofoilsandserums.

WHATTYPEOFMAKEUP SHOULDYOUAVOID?

Asourskinagesweneedtobeawareofthe makeupchoices.Caucasian/Europeanskinswill lookmoreyouthfulwithpeachytoneblushersand lipsticks.Avoidwearingglittersandshimmers ontheeyes.Fairerskinsshouldswitchtogreyor brownmascara,blackcanappearmoreageing.

Asianskinstendtobemoreolivetonedsowearing lessfoundationandtintedmoisturiserwillgive anappearanceofsmootherskin.Avoidwearing heavyblackallaroundtheeyesandsoftenlines bysmudgingeyelinertogiveasofterlook.

African/Caribbeanskinsneedtostepbackfrom caked-onfoundation,andawashofbasecolour looksmorenatural.Avoidusingblackpencilson eyebrowsandoptforadarkbrownpowderinstead.

Withallskintones,theclueisinsofteningtheapproach. Steerawayfromblack,andavoidheavyfoundationsetc. Letthemorenatural,beautifulyoushinethrough! joyceconnormakeup.com

Specialist makeup artist

Six of the best

EUROPEAN/ CAUCASIAN SKIN

1 ESPA Refining Skin Polish £30 espaskincare.com

2 Organic Apoteke

Rejuvenating Face Mask £39.95 organicapoteke.com

1 Chanel Hydra Beauty Masque De Nuit Au Camélia £64 chanel.com

2

Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Great 8 Daily Defense Moisturizer SPF £36 elizabetharden.co.uk

AFRICAN/ CARIBBEAN SKIN

3 MZ Skin Retinol Skin Booster £110 mzskin.com

3 Swisscode Hydro Facial Spray £45 pureswissboutique.com

Rosalique 3-in-1 Anti-Redness Miracle Formula SPF50 £29.99 rosalique.co.uk

4 IT Cosmetics CC cream £31 Boots/ itcosmetics.co.uk

1 Elizabeth Arden Vitamin C Ceramide Capsules Radiance Renewal Serum £72 elizabetharden.co.uk

2 Vitage Renewal Antioxidant Treatment Mask £24 vitage.co.uk

5

Bobbi Brown Pot Rouge for Lips and Cheeks in Calypso £22.50 bobbibrown.co.uk

5 Bad Gal Bang blue eyeliner by Benefit £18.50 benefitcosmetics. co.uk

6 Benefit ‘they’re real!’ brown mascara fun size £22 benefitcosmetics.com

ASIAN SKIN

6 Kat Von D Shade + Light Eye Contour Palette £50 Debenhams

3 Goldfaden MD Doctor’s Scrub £120 Harrods/ lookfantastic.co.uk

EX1 Cosmetics Invisiwear Liquid Foundation 14.0 £12.50, Superdrug

6

Elemis Pro-Collagen Marine Oil £67 elemis.com

5 ArmaniEye&BrowMaestro£67

ofConfessions the

FUNERAL CRASHERS

These women in black scour obituaries all over Britain to go to strangers’ funerals up to four times a week for the free food, emotional company and maybe something a little more risqué…

Straightening her best black jacket, Cheryl Johnson files past the coffin, pausing outside the church to read the cards on the wreaths and sprays of funeral flowers. She offers her sincerest condolences to the widow and her two daughters before promising to join them at the local gastro pub for a lunch buffet and to raise a toast to the dearly departed.

Later, as Cheryl, 69, tucks into a sausage roll at the wake and sips on her second glass of wine, she nods at the fond memories being shared about the deceased by his grieving family and friends. They have no idea this well-dressed grandmother-of-two is nursing a grave secret – she has never met the dead man, and only found out about his cremation through the local paper’s obituaries.

That’s because Cheryl is a funeral crasher and this is the sixth stranger’s funeral she’s been to this month.

“It might sound strange but funerals are a wonderful day out,” she says.

“You get to meet new people, dress up, and there’s usually some fantastic food. It’s very much like a wedding with a celebratory atmosphere after all the emotion.

At the end of the wake, she took out a Tupperware box, filled it up with food and cycled off with it

“Everyone wants to remember and celebrate the dead person’s life and they just assume that I knew them too. It’s never awkward.

“I started doing this after a spell of funerals when members of family and a few friends died. I realised when there hadn’t been a funeral for a couple of months that I missed the company and having a reason to socialise.

“I’m not being disrespectful. I’m honouring the dead by being there to celebrate their life. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t know them. I’m helping to give them a good send off.”

Women in black

Surprisingly Cheryl is not alone. None can be more prolific though than Theresa Doyle who was caught going to several funerals a day around Slough, Berkshire, and ‘pilfering dead men’s sandwiches’. Outraged mourners complained that the 65-yearold carries a black funeral outfit on the back of her bike to change into before going into church. She then tags along to the wake and helps herself to heaps of food – even taking some home in Tupperware containers to put in her freezer.

Mrs Doyle, who is thought to have been crashing funerals for the last 14 years, has even been accused of inventing stories about how she knows the deceased.

After crashing Margaret Whitehead’s daughter Catherine’s funeral, the pensioner said that she’d worked with Catherine as a waitress.

“There were a lot of people at the funeral from

Catherine’s work so I just assumed she was a colleague,” the distraught mother said. “But my daughter was never a waitress.

“She [Doyle] was eating from the buffet like there was no tomorrow. At the end of the wake she took out a Tupperware box, filled it up with food and cycled off with it in the basket on her bicycle. She intrudes on people when they are upset and sad.”

WHY DO THEY DO IT?

Psychologist Angela Mansi (CORR) identifies funeral crashers as ‘emotional vampires’ sucking up the energy and drama of the real mourners at the ceremony.

“There is clearly something missing from their own lives,” she says. “A funeral is a private, deeply emotional occasion. These crashers aren’t just there for the food – they want to be immersed in the grief and be around people who are mourning a loved one.

“They are an observer at a stranger’s funeral but there’s a real need for them to be fulfilled by being there and that relates to emptiness and loneliness.”

Angela, who lectures on business and the ‘dark side’ of personality at the University of Westminster, says that funerals are a way for these often isolated, lonely people to become, albeit temporarily, part of a community.

“We used to have more established places for people to come together, such as churches, fayres and fetes,” she explains, “but there are less of them now.

“People are being further isolated by technology and more are living alone so funerals are one of the last ways we can pay homage to someone while joining in with others in a social ritual.

IT’S NOT JUST WOMEN

And a man dubbed the Grim Eater, who crashed up to four funerals a week and took home food in a doggy bag, was banned recently by undertakers on the other side of the world.

“He was showing up to funeral after funeral and, without a doubt, he didn’t know the deceased,” Danny Langstraat from Harbour City Funeral

They had no idea this well dressed grandmother had never met the dead man

Home, in Wellington, New Zealand, said. But after taking the crasher aside to warn him to stop, the undertakers took a photograph of him and circulated it to all their offices and colleague.

Funeral first date

One woman who accidentally found herself crashing a funeral on a first date with a man she met on Tinder didn’t think it was sexy though. The woman, from Leeds, whose tweets about the disastrous date went viral, was initially excited when her date refused to reveal where he was taking her saying only: ‘wear a black dress and I’ll surprise you.’

Noel McDermott, psychotherapist and international speaker, insists that going to strangers’ funerals is normal and was only deemed inappropriate by the Victorians who wanted to sanitise death and everything surrounding it.

“In many cultures it’s still not unusual for an entire town to turn out for a funeral – even though many of the mourners will never have met the deceased,” he explains. “Grieving is what makes us human. In fact, the most defining moment of the human species transitioning from animals is when we began to start decorate public spaces around death and make graves.”

Funerals are emotionally intense and many funeral crashers may crave that raw and deep intimacy and experience, Noel says, especially if they are on their own.

And there can even be a surprising outcome to all that pent-up emotion – funerals can be highly erotic. “It’s well known that people often hook up at funerals,” he says. “There’s so much talk of death, and so much heightened emotion, that people want to reminded of their mortality and will often engage in sexual intercourse as a way of reminding themselves they’re alive.”

How to crash a funeral

We’re not suggesting you should, but theothersideoffunerals.blogspot.com shares the secrets of how to attend without attracting attention to yourself.

Dress appropriately. Black clothing should enable entry to most funeral without a second glance. The key is to fit in without standing out.

Pre-plan and research. Read obituary notices – often the family will include all the details you need, from the name of the deceased to the time and location of the service. You will also be able to work out if there is a wake.

Act confident. This is perhaps the most important thing – just walk in as though you were meant to [be there].

Be punctual but not early. Arriving late gets looks, but so does being the only one in the church as people arrive. However, if you walk in with the crowd then you are just one among many – which is usually 15 minutes before the funeral is due to start. As you enter, sign the condolence book and take an order of service.

Blend in but don’t just stand about. Standing about awkwardly will get you noticed and then people are likely to question you. Stand in the crowd and talk to someone. Priests or nuns are good as they are experienced with funerals and are more causal than the average mourner.

Go in pairs if possible. Being part of a duo is a lot easier than being alone. It will give you someone to talk with freely at the wake and someone to help come up with excuses or ideas if needed.

Her ardour soon cooled when he picked her up and drove her to a crematorium for his grandmother’s funeral. Explaining how she felt, she explained, “He was holding my hand crying – I couldn’t leave.” Needless to say their romance is now dead.

But there’s no reason why going to a funeral can’t be as enjoyable as going to a wedding, says writer Bridget Whelan. The 63-year-old from Brighton & Hove in Sussex, was brought up in Ireland where she says funerals are seen as part of the rich tapestry of everyone’s social life.

“They can be a great social occasion,” Bridget says. “It’s a chance to meet lots of nice people and have some fantastic food and drink. It’s a bit like a wedding, and in Ireland it’s completely normal to go to the funeral of someone you hardly know or have never met. And if you’re in your 50s or 60s a funeral can be the highlight of your social calendar.”

“Everyone knows about the local funerals and everyone comes. Those that attended my father’s funeral included his chiropodist and my mother’s hairdresser. An old school friend of my uncle’s by marriage was there. He had never met my father. Why did he come? Because my uncle had lost a brother in law – that was enough reason.”

Bridget says there’s nothing to be ashamed of by letting people know you didn’t know the deceased. “My advice to anyone thinking of going to a funeral is go,” she insists. “Be honest and say if you didn’t know the deceased well. Explain you heard the news and wanted to let the bereaved know how sorry you were to hear it.”

By Karen Pasquali Jones

Noel McDermott can be contacted at www.noelmcdermott.net

Angela Mansi can be contacted at Angela @WorkPsychol on Twitter

To celebrate the 30TH anniversary wof the Summer of Love, this year Wag Club founder Chris Sullivan revisited some old haunts, celebrating the dawn of house music and its inexorable rise to be one of the biggest, most punk subcultures ever…

Photos: Dave Swindells

SUMMER

“Three elements collided in 87/88 to make this unique cocktail of hedonism that took over the world,” says DJ, promoter and producer Dave Dorrell, whose landmark club ‘Love at The Wag’ gave that heady summer its indefatigable moniker, the Summer of Love.

“The first was this music from Chicago called House; which was modern, up-tempo, relentless, and very underground. It was designed for dark basements and flashing lights, which was a new paradigm then. The second element was chemical – Ecstasy – an amphetamine-based drug that gave you tons of energy, along with a certain euphoria. And finally there was the fashion; which was loose, unstructured, and the perfect accompaniment to the other two. When this combination hit the UK it went through the roof. It was flawless. It was revolutionary and it was absolutely bloody marvellous!”

1988 street party

Of course, house music had already been around for a while in the UK before the socalled Summer of Love. Releases such as Love by Jamie Principle, and Acid Tracks Phuture (DJ Pierre, DJ Spanky Spank and Herb J) had done the rounds in groovy club North and South, while Farley ‘Jackmaster’ Funk’s Love Can’t Turn Around had the audacity to hit number 10 in the UK in October 1986. Your Body by Steve Silk Hurley reached number one in the UK charts in February 1987.

But at the time, house music was simply another genre, doing the rounds with hip-hop, disco and rare groove. Northern DJs such as Mike Pickering

THE RISE OF HOUSE MUSIC AS A GREAT BRITISH INSTITUTION OF L VE

in Manchester, Graeme Park in Nottingham, Derby-born Hector Heathcote at the Wag Club (who played Your Love the first house record I ever heard, in ‘85 after a record buying trip to Chicago), and brothers Noel and Maurice Watson, sensing that it was time for a change, were mixing more and more house music into their sets.

“…the influence of US gay clubs on the resultant UK and international rave scene is paramount. It would not have existed without them.”

Shoom, 1988

“London was locked tight into the Rare Groove scene,” remembers Belfast born Noel Watson. “But Maurice and I had been to New York clubs like The Paradise Garage, Area, Danceteria etc, so we wanted to bring that here, and this vibe, this house music to London. It took a while to take off because house was considered to be ‘too gay’ by a lot of clubbers.”

Roots in the gay club scene

Lest we forget, ‘house’ music was named after Chicago gay club ‘the Warehouse’, while other gay clubs such as Frankie Knuckles’ The Power Plant, also in Chicago, and New York’s Paradise Garage (nicknamed the ‘Gay-rage’) with Knuckles’ best friend DJ Larry Levan, was where the music was coming from. While MDM (a close relative of ecstasy) was the drug of choice, with a bit of LSD thrown in.

I went to Garage in August 1980 and, after running the gauntlet of drug dealers outside who proffered everything from Quaaludes to Mexican mushrooms, PCP, Acid and THC, made my way up this ramp and into this huge space filled with about two thousand rampant, almost totally black and

Clubbing 1988

Hispanic gay men. Dressed in singlets, t-shirts, trainers and shorts, they were all totally off their boxes, dancing their asses off.

The atmosphere and sheer power of the music hit you like a brick in the face. I had never seen or heard anything like it, and the only woman I saw in the place was my girlfriend. But the influence of US gay clubs on the resultant UK and international rave scene is paramount. It would not have existed without them.

“If I could relive just one night of my life again it would have to be a night in Amnesia. It was the best place on earth.”

Later on, in 85/86, still the only clubs I can recall that played a good chunk of house music (mixed with the likes of Feels Good by Electra and Don’t Make Me Wait by The Peech Boys) were gay clubs like The Pyramid at Heaven on a Wednesday, with DJs Colin Faver and Mark Moore, The Jungle at Busby’s on a Monday with Faver, Vicki Edwards and Fat Tony, and the mixed gay night at the Wag on a Saturday with Fat Tony and Hector - all of which also, and not coincidentally, had a big MDMA presence.

In 1986 certain promoters who crossed into the London/gay/fashion scene began employing DJs with an eye of the future. Robin King and Nick Trulocke (whose girlfriend at the time was Clothes Show host Caryn Franklyn) did Delirium at the Astoria, beginning September 1986, with DJs Noel and Maurice Watson who injected a fair slab of house music into their mix.

Everything starts with an E

Another aspect that seemed new, but wasn’t, was Ecstasy, also known as Methylenedioxymethamphetamine, or MDMA. The drug was first synthesized in 1912 by German chemist Anton Köllisch, and

military in experiments in the 1950s.

Hippies were the first ones

the aforementioned gay discotheques, and was legal in the US until July 1st 1985. As for the UK, it was illegalised in 1977, but it wasn’t until 1980 that, to fund their visits, enterprising New Yorkers (including my then girlfriend) smuggled in significant amounts of the powder to sell in underground clubs like Le Beatroute in Soho, after which it became more and more popular amongst groovy club goers for whom Ibiza Town (and not San Antonio) was a premier destination.

The Ibiza connection

The playground of naughty jetsetters such as Grace Jones, Terry-Thomas, Amanda Lear, Roman Polanski, Steve Strange, Freddy Mercury and Kenny Everett (whose orgies were legendary), Ibiza had been the premier destination for Spanish gays and hippies escaping the wrath of Franco, whose fascist regime ended in 1975, and was as camp as a row of pink tents. It was like the Blitz, Taboo and Studio 54 -on-Sea.

“…timing was perfect, as that summer quality ecstasy had hit the streets by the truckload. The Summer of Love was under way.”

Ecstasy by businessman Michael Clegg in 1981 who manufactured it legally in Texas and sold it as a ‘fun drug’ that was “good to dance to.”

MDMA by 1980 was all over the US and was the number one drug of choice for patrons of

Transvestites, some on stilts, roamed the streets handing out flyers for its premier nightspot, The Ku Club, which featured a swimming pool, an abundance of extremely beautiful people – many wearing very little – and unbridled hedonism. I‘d been going to the Ku since 1981 and there was nowhere else like it in the world. It and Ibiza were unique.

Dawn rising at Amnesia

1989

At the clubs you could see sights such as the aforementioned transvestites, maybe a man dressed in full American Indian kit con feathered head dress, a couple in Day-Glo Lycra and huge platform boots, gay Cavaliers, people in loin clothes with Aladdin Sane hair and make-up... And all in 90 degrees heat. Ibiza was off the Richter scale.

In 1985 in an effort to spend more time there I started bringing Wag DJs to the island. I was exporting London to Ibiza and didn’t think of doing it the other way around. I just didn’t think it would ever work. Others disagreed.

“The energy in that basement was profound,” says Rampling. “It was fun, and apolitical and all about the music.”

At the end of August 1987 four friends – Danny Rampling, Johnny Walker, Nicky Holloway and Paul Oakenfold – went to San Antonio Ibiza to celebrate the latter’s 24th birthday and meet up with their old pal DJ Trevor Fung who, working there, informed them of this club on the other side of the Island named Amnesia and this new drug called ecstasy.

“You and I used to go there after the Ku, which used to give out hot chocolate dosed with magic mushrooms at dawn,” grins Steve Holloway, as we chat. Steve was the first Wag DJ to play on the island. “It was never that busy then, but then again we never arrived til after 6am.”

For yours truly, Amnesia only really took off

around 1985, after Alfredo started mixing New York and Chicago sounds. After that, it started opening at 5am where it attracted all the local club workers, who went bananas.

“In Amnesia, DJ Alfredo fused all these different types of music including Paradise Garage stuff, ‘Jibaro’, the Woodentops, Cindy Lauper and the Talking Heads,” reminisces Danny Rampling, the man behind the legendary club Shoom. “He inspired us all.”

“I felt very surprised by all these English boys and girls loving the records I was playing,” reflects Argentine DJ Alfredo Fiorito. “In Amnesia, background or social class didn’t matter and it was freer and cheaper than elsewhere. Also the British appreciated this open-air club and partying together with people of different nationalities, ages and colour. And, as I always say, they weren’t the main thing, but the drugs certainly helped.”

DJ Nancy Noise had worked there for two summers before 1987.

“I was going out every night all night at Amnesia, Glory’s, Ku…” she explains. “It was those nights that led to clubs like Future. It was a special time in London during the Summer of Love but I wouldn’t say those nights altered my life as much as the nights in Ibiza previously. If I could relive just one night of my life again it would have to be a night in Amnesia. It was the best place on earth.

Bringing it back to London

“We all came back from my birthday, and all started clubs, mixing Balearic with Acid House and it went off in a way that we could never imagine,” recalls Rampling. “We broke down barriers and we were all about inclusion and bringing people together regardless of race, colour or sexual mores.” “It became the most important and the best

holiday we ever had,” agrees Oakenfold. “We were compelled try and recreate

The first UK club that Alfredo played in in the UK was Project in Streatham, opened by Oakenfold shortly after his return from the island. Initially billed as an Ibiza reunion the club was open till 6am, and Oakenfold played tracks he’d heard in Ibiza; by Nitzer Ebb Why Why Why by the Wooden Tops – two records that might have been played at the Blitz club in 1980 – alongside the few Chicago house and New York

Project closed after six weeks, and Oakenfold, with his business partner Ian St Paul, moved their operation to The Sanctuary at the back of Heaven, where Future was born. A tiny dark room that held just a couple of hundred it was intimate, and really bloody hot.

Oakenfold’s manager Mickey Jackson remembers it well. “Future became the place to be in London, with everyone (including Prince!) coming down, but we were all there for each other and not because of who’s who;

it was our scene and everyone was invited. I remember when Leigh Bowery waltzed onto the dance floor once, in a wide dress lit head to toe in light bulbs. He was awesome so the crowd gave him a bit of room while he flashed his bulbs, pirouetted a few times and left!”

Indeed, what Rampling did with Shoom, and Oakenfold with The Project and Future, was bring back this distinctly Ibicencan approach, mix it with acid house, put it in a tiny club, add smoke machines and flashing lights, throw in a decidedly London edge and open the doors to a crowd, many of whom had never have considered going to Amnesia, Ibiza Town or the Warehouse in Chicago.

And their timing was perfect, as that summer quality ecstasy had hit the streets by the truckload. The Summer of Love was under way.

“The music and attitude was great,” clarifies Gary Haisman, whose record We Call it Acieeeeed stormed up the charts in 1988. “But this wouldn’t have happened without the ecstasy. It would be like the first Summer of Love in San Francisco in 1967 without LSD – no fucking way Jose. In the summer of ‘87 the Dutch turned MDMA into tablets that were easy to sell, easy to take and as strong as fuck, and their importation coincided with the rise of all these clubs like Shoom and Oakenfold’s Project in Streatham, and your night in Clink Street.”

It felt like a new punk

After a dismal first night at Shoom, for the second night a month later Rampling went flat out. They filled the basement with dry ice and strobe lights and pulled in DJ Colin Faver who’d cut his teeth paying Euro disco and electro at Steve Strange and Rusty Egan’s club The Camden Palace.

A former punk rocker, Faver (who was first given MDMA by Soft Cell associate Cindy at the Camden Palace in 1984) was all about electro and up-tempo throbbing beats and as such was the man for the job. To add to it, Rampling now used the soon-to-be-ubiquitous smiley logo, printed on a t-shirts he’d bought from RAP in Covent Garden. Designed by Simon ‘Barnzley’ Armitage the look certainly hit the zeitgeist head on, and they had themselves a hit.

“It was like transforming from a chrysalis into a butterfly. Like suddenly belonging. There was no ego, no pretentiousness…”

“The energy in that basement was profound,” says Rampling. “It was fun, and apolitical, and all about the music. But like punk it gave a lot of people the chance to be creative and be a part of something that was theirs.”

“My brother Joey supplied the sound and I helped him,” chuckles DJ legend Norman Jay. “And as Colin Faver was blasting it out at top volume and the smoke machines were pumping out, these kids climbed into the tiny space in the speakers – and these were powerful! 10,000 watt reggae sound system speakers! I knew then that something was happening. I loved the madness, the anarchy and the punk rock DIY attitude. Out with the old and in with the new.”

By January, Shoom (the name describes the rush of E as it hits) was off the scale and had developed its own mores and style of dress. Bandanas, Converse, dungarees, baggy t-shirts and long hair; it was utilitarian, cheap, accessible. And suited the scenario down to the ground.

“We had 50 people at Shoom on the first night and queues of 2,000 three months later,” remembers Rampling. “It was mind blowing.”

The dawn of underground rave culture

Thiswasnowascenewithitsownmusic, drugs,clothes,attitudeandphilosophy. Itwasdestinedtokickoff.

“Shoomwasliketravellingintoadifferent dimension,”smilesCharlieFitzgerald,formerly ColstonHayter,whoseravepromoterbrother Tonywasdubbed‘theacidhouseking’.

“Itwasliketransformingfromachrysalisinto abutterfly.Likesuddenlybelonging.There wasnoego,nopretentiousness,noshoulder pads,nobodyhittingonyou,anddefinitely nohandbags!Itwasjustpeopleonthesame levelhavingthebestnightoftheirlives.

“Itwassohotinthereweweremelting,andI rememberbeinginthebarareaandpouring bottlesofPerrieronourheads.Itwassucha shockwhenthelightswentonattheendof thenight.IthinkDannyplayedWhyCan’t weLiveTogether[TimmyThomas1972]but everyonesang‘Whycan’tweShoomTogether’, andthenitwasoverandIdidn’twantittoend. Anditdidn’t.Thatwasjustthebeginning...

In part two Chris explores the explosion of house and the dance culture, from its storming burst into popular culture, and the hedonism of illegal parties and raves...

Read the Second Summer of Love

Chris Sullivan promoted a long list of warehouse parties, founded and ran the Wag Club, and is a former GQ style editor who has written for many others including Italian Vogue, The Times, Independent and The FT. He now is Associate Lecturer at Central St Martins School of Art specializing in ‘youth’ cults.

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“An easy-to-read excellent guide, full of practical advice to help prepare us for a happy and healthy older age”

Diana Moran, the ‘Green Goddess’

A friendly, practical guide to preparing for what could be the best years of your life

act your age,

NOT YOUR SHOE SIZE

Chaps! Celebrate second life with a radical approach that involves flamboyance, elegance and panache, says

Chap editor

Gustav Temple

A bow tie from La Bowtique. These are hand-made adornments with a touch of flamboyance. Even their standard black tie is slightly larger than average. From £150 Instagram: @labowtique

This Absinthe-green pure silk pocket square is versatile and can be worn in a number of ways to suit one’s mood. Flaneur Chap pocket square £25 thechap.co.uk

Dress like a duke... accessorise like an anarchist. Furious Goose long scarves keep the cold weather at bay. Autumn Hare design £290 furiousgoose.co.uk

Launch yourself into the party season by acquiring a brand new hat. Push the boat out with a trilby from Laird London. Signature in burgundy £230 lairdlondon.co.uk

1 2 3 4 5 6 PARTY PICKS

Or, if you prefer a tweed cap, Sussex Tweed have opened up the range into bright estate tweeds and racy designs. LtdEd£95 sussextweed.co.uk

Finally, be prepared for unexpected visits from maiden aunts bearing mince pies. With no time to dress properly, you’ll need a dressing gown that screams Noel Coward. Constellation dressing gown £495 geoffstocker.com

In some quarters it is believed that when a person passes the half century, all attempts to be stylish should be abandoned in favour of comfortable, practical, and often beige clothing. This is of course a complete travesty.

Show your true colours; purchase that racy pocket square you always fancied but never dared to wear when 25; wear a selection of hats that replace a bald pate or greying locks with aplomb - and for you to doff elegantly when the mood takes you.

As the party season approaches, one must up one’s game in the face of the sartorial peccadilloes about to be unleashed.

Yes, I’m talking about ‘ironically’ worn snowflake spattered jumpers and woolly hats with antlers.

A chap approaches the Season of Goodwill by spreading his joy via a sensational wardrobe. It’s the perfect opportunity to raise your wardrobe game a notch or two. Those cherry-red trousers you never find the nerve to wear - don them on Christmas Day. That midnight blue dinner jacket with shawl lapels can be livened up with a colourful pocket square instead of the standard white.

Gustav Temple has been editor of The Chap Magazine - Britain’s longest-serving gentleman’s quarterly - for 20 years. The Chap aims to help men up their sartorial game. ‘Best of The Chap’ is a 300-page collection of the finest features from the last 20 years. thechap.co.uk

CLEAN MACHINE

This elegant little roadster means you can have style, speed AND do your bit for the planet says Danny Cobbs

Not so very long ago if you heard the term ‘hybrid’ or ‘electric vehicle’, you’d probably, and very correctly, jump to the conclusion that you’d be looking at something one step up the evolutionary ladder from a glorified milk float.

However that was then. Hop forward to present times (and hundreds of billions of R&D dollars later), the segment that was once mocked for its environmentally-friendly stance is now the darling of the motoring industry.

And as innovative as they were (and remain), we no longer have to bracket all alternativefuel cars to either the hybrid Toyota Prius or the all-electric Nissan Leaf. Now we can do our bit to save the planet and still drive a performance saloon or fast SUV.

So, if you’re after a car that provides nearsupercar performance allied to styling that delivers a knockout punch, you simply can’t look past the BMW i8. With carbon-fibre construction under that stunning bodywork, which has been shaped to cut through to its gullwing doors, it’s exactly the kind of car the future always promised –yet it’s available here and now, assuming you’ve got the £100,000-plus asking price.

Under that sensational styling sits the same 1.5-litre petrol engine as you’ll find in a MINI. Yet here, it’s tuned to 225bhp and paired with a 129bhp electric motor. It’ll dispatch 0-62mph in 4.4 seconds and really does thrill, when you throw it into some corners. Because it’s a plug-in hybrid, though, it can travel 23 miles on electricity alone and 134.5mpg economy is possible.

Driving a car with high emissions brings higher taxation and could even limit access to major cities like London, if bans are introduced in the future. In contrast, many hybrid, plug-in hybrid and electric sports cars are eligible for the government’s Plug-In Car Grant and are exempt from the London Congestion Charge. Carbondioxide emissions of just 49g/km in this little car mean it’s exempt from both road tax and the Congestion Charge.

The kids have grown up (or you have), you don’t need a Volvo any more. It’s time for some fun – and this is fun with a capital F. You only live once – hit the fast lane, without feeling any of the guilt.

BMW i8 Coupé / Roadster

Transverse mid-engine, all-wheel-drive 0-62mph 4.4 secs

Top speed 155mph

Efficiency 134.5 mpg

Carbon emissions 49g/km

Price approx £125,000

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Help me!

Ever asked for advice and then almost wish you hadn’t?

Pithy Glaswegian actress

Julie Graham responds to those of you who want a good dose of brutal common sense.

Buckle up...

Welcome to the world of AUNTIE JULIE

Dear Julie

I’m bored at home now I’ve retired, and have started to fancy the woman next door. My wife is always busy with hobbies and I’d like to make my neighbour my hobby. We live in the countryside, miles from anywhere. It’s hard not to fantasise about this…

John, Aberdeen

Dear John

This made my ‘creepy stalker’ radar very twitchy. Boredom is one thing but it’s no excuse to project your lustful fantasies onto an innocent woman who is probably just being friendly, blissfully unaware she’s stirring the loins of the man next door. For god’s sake man, find a hobby that doesn’t include the possibility of scandal, followed closely by divorce, or you’ll end up living in a small bedsit after your wife has taken you to the cleaners. Unless of course, her ‘hobby’ happens to be the next door neighbour’s husband. Take some cold showers, or maybe channel this passion into wooing your actual wife? Perhaps then the woman you married might not need all those hobbies after all.

Dear Julie

My teenage daughter went out the other day and when I was collecting the billion cups and plates in her room I spotted she has a diary. So now I know where it is, I’m bursting to read it. She’s been having some emotional issues lately — maybe knowing more about them would mean I can help?

Daisy, Hants

Dear Daisy

Well, you could avoid the temptation to read her diary by telling her to bring her own damn cups and plates down. And yes, if she finds out you have read her diary then she will hate you, but more importantly she will stop trusting you. There’s more than one way to skin a cat. If you really believe she’s having some emotional issues apart from the normal teenage angst ones then maybe go the old-fashioned route and talk to her? I find something like driving or shopping trips where you’re both relaxed are times when my daughter tells me what’s going on with her. When there’s no pressure, no drama. Also remember; if you do open that Pandora’s Box you’d better steel yourself to read things that will upset and disturb you without being able to confront or address them, unless you’re prepared to come clean about invading her privacy. If you feel her safety is being compromised in some way then that’s another matter but other people’s diaries and private thoughts are, in my opinion, best kept private.

@realjuliegraham