Classic newspaper Volume 21 Issue no. 3

Vol.

21, No.3, Aprill, 2qos

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aSSlC Townsend Harris High School at Queens College

FOOL

:I 49~ 11 Melbourne ~venue, Flushing, NY 11367

Christo to 'cloa-k' sch.o ol in colorful conceptual ·cloth Editors:

Francesca Pizarro Alyssa Chase Mimi Chung Tanaz Talebpour Christopher Amana Diana Bell Eugene To Laura D' Amato Jocelyn Wright

Writers: Christopher Amana

Diana Bell Gloria Chen Marissa Green Gloria Palma Jocelyn Wright Madeline Wright

Artwork: Eugene To

Francesca Pizarro

Advisor: lisa Cowen

by Christopher Amanna ing it wrong."

What's green with Christo has been creating purple polka dots all over? conceptual art since the early Townsend Harris High 1970s. Besides "The Gates," School, of course - once his past projects include Christo has his way with stretching a white curtain the building. The world-re· across hundreds of miles of nowned conceptual artist California wilderness, coverhas selected the school as . ing two islands in Miami the site for his next public with pink cloth, and draping art project. He plans to the entire Reichstag, the Gerdrape the entire exterior of man parliament building in the building in 500,000 Berlin, with silver fabric. The square yards of iridescent Reichstag project has been an 0 aubergine ·and · chartreuse ~ inspiration for the Townsend fabric. ~ Harris installation.

The project, entitled ~ Howard Qatar, Assistant "The Cloak,'; will be un- £ Principal of Organization, furled on April 4 and re~ commented on the fate of the main on display until April ~ over 500,000 square yards of 22. Like his recent work, "' material that will soon cover "The Gates" in Central the building, once the piece's their next big project.

Park, Christo a.nd his wife run ends. "Since removal is Jeanne-Claude will pay for the sized bookbags and bloodshot enough fun of us. I guess the entirely in the school's hands, · entire cost of the installation. eyes - it looked like some of administration won't be satis~ we've developed two possible Due to the. artists' mounting them hadn't slept in days. In fied until we're the laughing- plans: The first is to have the . debt, however, the school must this most dismal of environ- stock of the entire city." weight training classes use their Art teacher Stu Screamin brute strength to tear down the pay for the removal of the art- ments, I was inspired." work on its own.

Christo was determined to was generally pleased with fabric. The alternative plan is "The entire Townsend com- lift the sprits ofthis lifeless lot. Townsend Harris becoming one to just leave it up until it decom~ munity is ecstatic over He believed that his art could gigantic canvas. "While I'm not poses and/or falls off. Hiring a Christo's choice to use the do the trick. "Some say my the biggest fan of Christo, I ap- professional contractor is out of school as a medium for his ar- work has almost supernatural preciate his bringing awareness the picture." tistic expression," exulted Prin- powers," he said. "People · of art to the public. The instalIf the fabric is successfully cipal Thomas Muffinman. "The claimed to have felt trans- lation is sure to turn heads," he pulled down, it will be used to project will turn the school into formed as they walked under said. make new gym uniforms.

Meanwhile, the Humanities Square-inch swatches will also an eggplant beacon of excel- my 'gates' in Central Park. I lence, bringing us much-needed know Harrisites will be invigo- Department has been abuzz, be sold in the SU Store for $10 rated when they see 'The trying to· find symbolism and ($1137 without SU card). publicity," h~ said.

The school community is In an exClusive interview Cloak' covering up the primary other hidden meaning in already securing the legacy of with The Classic, Christo dis- source of anguish in their Christo's design.

"We've been putting in long Townsend Harris' foray into cussed how Townsend Harris lives."

The project has begun to hours in an attempt to fabricate modern art. As a tribute to "The was chosen for his newest installation. "In February, I was spur much conversation among - ah, I mean unveil - the artist's Cloak," this year's yearbook giving a lecture at Queens Col- staff and students. "Oh, it intentions behind every will be named Aubergine and lege and, as I walked .around the sounds wonderful!" exclaimed thread," explained English Chartreuse, rather than the campus, I saw this disgusting sophomore Arty Lover. "The teacher Porter Housesteaker. standard Crimson and Gold. gray building in the distance," juxtaposition of colors, the ten- "So far we've come up with the When asked what he hoped he explained. What Christo was sion of the polka-dots, and the purple symbolizing the majesty · would be the legacy of the actually looking at was directionality they will create - of the school and the green as project, Mr. Muffinman rean allusion to the students' jeal- sponded, "Brief notoriety."

Townsend Harris. "This drab I can't wait to see it!"

Junior Liz Lest was less en- ousy of one another. We've yet Christo has loftier aspiramonolith looked like some sort thusiastic about "The Cloak." to figure out what the ten-foot tions for his work. "For so long of Soviet-era prison,',' he said.

The edifice's ugliness was "Wow. They'regoing to cover diameter of each polka-dot we've heard about the plight of the failing public school sysso intriguing that he decided to my school in some gaudy fab~ means."

Christo would not comment tem, illiterate children and see it close up and tour the in- ric. How exciting," she sarcason the inner meaning behind dropouts. Well, people don't terior. "Once inside, I remem- tically stated. ber commenting to myself, · Senior Sans Kolture had a the colors in "The Cioak." He realize gifted children are suf'The only thing more depress- · inore hostile reaction upon see- only said, "ReJ.llemhir: tHey're fering too . I hope "The Cloak" ing than the school's exterior ing Christo's plans. "Are you not 'purple and green,' but calls attention to the plague of are the students inside.' They kidding me?'' he asked. "The 'aubergine and chartreuse'. I . the well-educated: bad archiwere so pitiful with their over- Bowne kids already make don't want to hear anyone say- tecture."· #-

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The Classic

April1,2005

Dea·r Ditzi.•• The Classic is pleased to present Dear Ditzi, a column in its trial run, featuring the advice of world-renowned psychoanalyst Deliriousli Ditzi. For those of you who cannot wait the two or three months before your questions are published and answered, Ms. Ditzi will be moving~n to one of the many empty offices in the guidance suite. The Classic is not responsible for the:r~sults of any actipns Miss Ditzi may advocate.

Dear Ditzi, It's so good to finally have someone whose advice I know I can take to heart. I read your column in th~ Farmer Brown school newspaper, and I can honestly say that your advice changes lives. I especially enjoyed the one examining the role of fashion in horticulture. Who knew tomatoes grew faster when exposed to couture? Keep up the great work!

-Corny Copia, Editor of Agropolitan Magazine

Dear Corny, Thanks for your letter! Its great to hear that the hard work I put into that column was appreciated. I take pride in my ability to tackle controversial issues. If only those conservationists took my words as deeply to heart, we would · solve world hunger.

I'm hoping you can put one and one together and realize: I need help getting the girl I like to notice 'me. Every day in English class, i go up to the pencil Dear Ditzi, sharpener by her desk and try to make eye contact, but she always has her nose Why is it that the bathrooms in locker rooms never have towel p~per? in a dictionary. Yesterday I cleared my throat to get her attention, but instead How am I supposed to remove the sweat from my face after running three my sinuses started acting up and I had to be rushed to the nurse. What am I miles with Mr. Samson? Yesterday I had a 'presentation for a group project, going to do? This one guy wearing clunky bifocals that sits behind her seems and the lack of towel paper in combination ·with the six flights df stairs (well · to be my competition, and he actually talked to her today! And he was so actually twelve- I left the project in my gym ioeker by accident) left me hold- smooth about it! He tapped her on the shoulder and asked, "Can you pass this ing a soggy tissue, not a poster board. I CAN'T TAKE THE INSANITY! up?" How can I get skills like those? Help!

-B. Odora -Deeply in Love DearB, Don't sweat it! If you ask me, I don't think the lack of paper towels is the · Dear Deeply, iss~e here. Is anyone else with me when /.say -that-the. trock is .the real pr;ob.--- -=- l.tetaUy~se.e the pr.oblem here. 1:ve analyzed the situation from all angles, [em? i'm currently draftini petition-to-have-the- track removedf'rom the - tl(ld let me tell you how you can get her to notice you. Judging by the amount Queens College premises immediately. If they want to have the honor of hav- of communication your rival had with this girl, it seems you need bifocals, and · ing us on their grounds, they'd better listen to our demands! No need to thank chunky ones too. Bigger than those of your rival. And carry around a dictiome- Once again, Ms. Ditzi has gotten the point completely. ·nary- a HUGE one. I guarantee that in one week there'llbe some type of progress. Oh, and I know who you are, because I saw you writing this letter . Dear Ditzi, during physics class. Don't worry, Derek, your secret is safe with me.

I desperately need your help, but I don't want anyene to know my true identity. It would be ... embarrassing if iny friends found out· I was writing-to your column asking advice. Why? I hail from one of the most underrepresented Do you have any problems that you desperately need solved? Remember, I'm groups in this building - the male population - and we need to stick together. · always here to help!

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Letters to the E_ di·tor:

of stage gnomes. My father runs a profitable business that can deal with this problem immediately.

-Anonymous Advocate of Keeping Gnomes Out, an eco-friendly organization

Thanks for the heads up. We alerted the custodial staff, who have told us these are common garden gnomes that managed to enter the building with one of the' To the Editor: I'm writing in response to a letter to the editor in the last issue about being gym class~s. We also did a little journalistic snooping ourselves: It turns out they misquoted. I too have been a victim of this horrenqous practice by your "award- run a very profitable pickle-producing business, and are only visiting our building winning" newspaper. In the February 2005 issue, I was quoted in an article about as extras in the upcoming production of A Midsummer Night's Dream. the guest dance. The piece read, "I had a horrible time! The . security was ridiculously tight!" What I said was ~'I had 11 To the Editors and Student Body: horrid time! The security was ridiculously tight':' , And yo4 This is to inform you that Spring Recess 2005 will be call yourself a prestigious paper! HA! . , )· c·. .)

R~aders are invited to canceled. We apologize for the short notice, but we have submit l-etters · to the ' only recently observed that student attendance is shockingly . ~Miss Info · editm. Letters· sh~mld be low at other high schools, and so we are implementing a pla<;ed' in ~he Letters to the new city-wide policy that will affect even those schools Sorry for that three letter mix-up. It won't happen again. showing exemplary attendance. Please do not consider our EditPt mailbox in R.oem · attempts to lay down the law as a refusal to acknowledge 5:05 or :e-mail'ed to To the Editor: the unique environment found within your institution. I hope · t~claSsic@yahoo.com: I would like to bring to your attention an incident that hapyou can agree with me when I say I wholeheartedly believe pened to me recently. I was staying late last afternoon in the The Classic reserves the in the future success of our city high schools, and join me auditorium when I heard a clatter coming from within the grattight .to ~.dit all fetters. in complimenting what I feel is the clear ability of the Deing at the front of the stage. Turning my head quickly to the Letter.s mus;t in-dude partment of. Edumacation to solve pressing problems in a clatter, I saw a short something running past the grating, wearname and officiai class. timely fashion. ing a red pointed hat. Investigating the grating later on,l found Names wiU be· withheld -Joel Whine the vents to be an underground pathway. I heard high-pitched upon teq~est Overseer of Programming Decisions singing coming from down below. Please alert the custodial Department of Edumacation staff to this immediately - I think we may have an infestat~on

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The Classic

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April 1, 2005

Principal spreads word on.$ixth·floor space lab

by Marissa Green Principal Thomas Muffinman announced that a Space Intelligence Lab has been stationed in the two sixth floor bathrooms since October of 2000. This statement was made to the staff on March 20 after sophomore Angela Lizalot reported seeing flashing lights coming from the girls' bathroom door several days before.

Two scientists, Jazzy Jupiter and Mark Mendacity, have been working on a space miss ion called "Preposterous ." Astronauts are currently on Mars, working with life forms that were discovered on the planet years ago. By the use of the satellite dish atop the Harris building, Jupiter and Mendacity have been able to communicate with the space ship on Mars.

This mission had been under top secrecy by the United States Intelligence Agency. However, Principal Thomas Muffinman felt compelled to explain the mystery of the bathrooms after Lizalot's discovery.

"I had to make a call to the president after I heard from Ms. Lizalot. He gave me permission

to reveal our secret. I hope it's not alarming to anyone," said · Mr. Muffinman. "The reason we allowed these scientists to be stationed in our school is that these creatures will eventually be attending Townsend Harris."

• "These aren't your ordinary ott ~ ' -" creatures," declared Dr. Mendacity. "They don't sleep, they never stop working, and don't communicate with other crea.... tures . We felt that Townsend E would be a comforting "' ~ .... environmnet during their first ~ 2 years on a new planet." c -, Angela Lizalot had been '-0 wa)king to her fifth band class ;>, when she saw the flashing t ::J lights coming from the sixth 0 u 0 floor bathroom . "The sixth 0 floor bathrooms are always ' ..c: - - - - -- 0. locked, so when I saw lights NASA scientist Jazzy Jupiter poses in front of the complex space communications machinery housed in coming from one of them,. I the sixth tloor girls' bathroom. couldn't believe it," said An~~ gela.

The principal's, ~nl)oup~e~ .. ture outside 'of the ,b oys' bath- school," he said.

"Now I finally understand men! also explained .yea~s o( room . "He-had d_ark c-ircles onIn a recent Classic poll of why the doors were always unconfirmed reports of alien der his eyes and was holding a 250 students, 805 said they locked. Now I know that when encounters on the sixth tloor. walkie-talkie," Bogus ex- were happy about these new I have to run down two flights The most notable was then plained. "In no time, dean creatures eventually attending of stairs, I'm running for the sophomore Michael Bogus's Wannado Kixgave him a refer- -the school, 35% believe it is a advancement of science!" said 2002 claim of seeing what we ral. I guess the creatures are go- good idea, and the other 75% junior Joshua Sham. now know .w.as a Martian crea-. , ing to {it in just fine in this remained undecided. ' ·,-'\ .'

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Vows instead of volleys: Alumni wed in gymnasium ·

by Madeline Wright and Diana Bell Former graduates Phil McFoolio and Morona Dunce, of the class of 1993, tied the knot in the gymnasium on March 18. The wedding was held at Harris to express the couple's gratitude towards the school for the "superb'' education they .received and the

"memorable times" they shared.

Chewing pink bubble gum and clad in tight blue jeans, both Dunce and McFoolio thus honored t,he occasion of their first meeting while serving detention in dean Wannado Kix's office during their junior year.

It was McFoolio who had received five referrals for

chewing gum in class, and Dunce who had been given six for "inapropriately" tight pants . .

"I'm so glad .tq be .back here," stated the 30-year·old' Mr. McFoolio. "I haven't been in this joint for nearly a dozen years. Truth is I didn't really like the things I had to do at this school until I graduated and went to college. Then I realized

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"I do": Phil McFoolio and Morona Dunce, graduates of the class of 1993, return to their afma' ~ mater for their marriage ceremony. .. ...:•·:

how helpful the stuff I learned was. I was able to sleep through all of my· classes. and still ace : them ·because J .had .already . learned ·everything they taught," he explained: "It was four years of partying, and I still made the Phi · Beta Kappa Honor Society," Mr. McFoolio added. His perfect 4.0 average earned him admission into the nation's top five medical schools, but he declined attending any of them in order to open his dream business: ' Dustbunny Sculptures, Inc., which specializes in recreating famous historical scenes out of dust. "We're currently working o'n ·the Boston Tea Party, but ' the science behind the implementation of a dust ocean is complex," he said. ::. The new Mrs. McFoolio :also raved about what her Harf.is education did for her. "I got · out of all the required courses in college because of what I took in high school," she said. ''They let me out of history, English, and foreign language because I had · read five Shakespeare plays in their original form. They · also excused me from math and s<;ience courses because I was 'Townsend Harris-certified."' ''With the core require-

ments out of the way," continued Mrs. McFoolio, "I couldfocus on courses I actually enjoyed, such as the Mechanics of Crayon Color SelectiQn, the .

Social History of Play Dough, and the Sociological Impact of the Simpsons ."

Mrs. McFoolio is currently · on the advisory board for the New York City Department of Edumacation committee to combat soaring high school drop-out rates, She is designing a new secondary school curriculum that will feature "more stimulating and relevant courses," such as Mastering Online Shopping and Introduction to Reality TV. The wedding banquet was catered by the cafeteria staff, and guests feasted on tater-tots, hot dogs, chicken fingers, and moz'z arella sticks. Attendees also indulged themselves on cartons of 2% low-fat milk.

"I think the wedding was so sweet," said sophomore Mandy O'Gullible. "Mind you, I would never hold my wedding at the school, but it's nice that Mr. McFoolio and his wife wanted to pay tribute to Townsend Harris like that. It was a wonderful reception. I thought they did a · stupendous thing, and I think others agree."

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The Classic

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April1,2005

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Male'-function in admissions process to be corrected recent controversial comments made by Principal Muffinman explained that Harvard president Lawrence H. Sum- a single sex school would foster bonds mers as the impetus behind the new among Harrisites and create a strong policy. Summers argued that the low sense of sisterJ:wod. He compares this representation of women scientists · to the all-girls schools of Wellesley Colmight stem from innate differences be- lege and Barnard College, which he tween the sexes. Muffinman said, "We called "excellent schools after which we think that by eliminating boys from strive to model our own school."

Townsend Harris, we not only show Two-thirds of the entire school staff, that fe'm"ales are a~capirtile as males, but including agreed that the implementawill alsohelp'equa:Jize our society's un- . tion of this new admissions process balanced gender 'system:" would be beneficial to society. Assistant Principal of Humanities Suzanne Obtaining explained, "By banishing boys . from the school, we would be leaving ' our community 'greater than we found it,' thus fulfilling the pledge of the Ephebic Oath:'!

Dean Wannado Kix is another teacher who endorses the change. "We already have so few boys in our school," · she explained. "We might as well just get rid of them all!"

In addition to admitting solely female students, Mr. Muffinman has suggested hiring only female teachers. "We do not · plan on firing our current male teachers,'' he said. "But if ~e lear~ that they cannot cooperate with their female stu~ dents and colleagues, they are invited g· to quit." Mr. Muffinman added, "We will more than gladly replace them with £ more suitable female teachers." Upon .s retirement, he also plans to entrust the ~ school to a female principal. · ,:.The f·aculty plans on converting the

by Gloria Chen Their numbers have been dwindling for decades and by 2008, boys will become extinct at Townsend Harris High School. Starting with next year's incoming class, only girls will be eligible to gain entrance to the school, making the class of 2008 the last coed grade.

Principal Thomas Muffinman announced his plans to convert the school into an all-girls facility at a March 31 . faculty conference. The Principal cited

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Signs of change: Custodian Luis Lirnpio prepares to·ternove·a •boys'

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boys' restrooms into additional ones for girls. These new restrooms will use inflatable purple couches and more soothing lighting to create a pleasant atmosphere. The urinals will be left in place, says custodian Kara Taker, "as a remind"er to future generations that boys once attended this school."

Junior Ima Sosmart weighed the educational benefits of single-sex schools · in her social science research project.

She discovered that the unbalanced ratio of males to females in the Townsed Harris may contribute to senioritis. "Female seniors w·aste their time squabbling over which of the few boys they will bring to the prom," she said. "They could use this time to study instead."

Some female students were enraged at the news. According to freshman Amanda Reckon with, "How are we supposed to prove that we are equal to men when there are no men around to witness our achievements? The change makes no sense·!"

While most male students were upset at what one junior called the "blatantly sexist motives" behind the new policy, some boys · took the news in stride. Freshman Dorkie Mollorky said excitedly as he 9hitched his taped glasses, "When I'm a senior, there will be only female underclassmen . Even . after factoring in a possibl~ failure rate, the statistics ensure my getting a prom date!"

_in anticipation of the schoof's conversion to an · alH~irl~ institution';-;

Harrisites to PUrsiJ~, careers-in m·a.d·:'scienrce .

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Introducing••• Harris Pack®5.1 ~

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. by Gloria Palma ris graduate Phil Nozio also commented . New studies find that mad scientist on the carrer trend df his fellow. graduis now the number one ctiosen profes- ates . "I don't understand. After years of sion of Townsend Harris graduates. working so hard, they choose to work Morticians and drill sergeants were a on deadpeople? Becoming a mortician close second or third. Out of I ,000 re- is kind of creepy," he said while on his cent graduates surveyed by mail, 436 way to the murder scene he'd set up in designated insane asylums as their re- the boys' bathroom. As he tried to dab the blood splatter off his tie, he continturn addresses.

News of these statistics have been ued, "It just doesn't make sense. What startling students and faculty all over the would influence them to choose that for school. Dean Wanado Kix, while simul- their careers?" taneously writing out 29 referrals and That is . the question: what causes making her gym class run I 05 laps on Townsend graduates to turn to the most the track, commented, "I can't imagine psychotic jobs available? It's a conunwhy these students would wind up with drum students can ponder while running such odd jobs after receiving such an up six flights of stairs to speak Latin. impressive education. Drill sergeants? It's something they can try and figure Come on, what would persuade some- out during the eight full minutes of free one to choose that?" she asked. time they have beiwee'ri colhitenils and Chemistry teacher Adish Kalamari studying. While chanting the Ephebic expressed his surprise about students Oath, students' can consider all the facchoosing to become mad scientists, tors that may turn graduates from po"Hey.man, what are you doing?Youjust tential lawyers to death-obsessed morgoing to throw your life away and go ticians. Several of the current mad scinuts and be a crazy scientist? No, no entist alumni plan on conducting experiway, man; you need to choose some- ments to see what causes grads to thing worthwhile to do with your life choose such unconventional occupainstead of crazy experiments. That's tions. Hopefully their mt<thods, which why you got to watch Cartoon Network. involve high voltages of electricity and I'm sorry, but I need to leave- I've got toxic chemicals, can answer the questo calculate the molarity of some saline tion all Harrisites are asking: What solution," he said. causes Townsend Harris students to go Science teacher and Townsend Har- . crazy?

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