No. 22

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Vol. XCIV No. 22

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A reptilian hiss of SLU since the unseasonably warm winter of 12 B.C

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Page 7

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Jesuits storm N. Korean shores, set up campus

Brumpo Tungus / Senior Angry Bostonian

Jesuit commandos: Priests and brothers of the Society of Jesus marched into Pyongyang and peacefully took over the reclusive nation.

By DWIGHT SCHRUTE Assistant (to the) New Editor

When Pope Francis was elected in the 2013 papal conclave, many Catholics

saw it as a hopeful sign that the Church was moving in a new direction – away from the scandals and corruption that had plagued the Vatican for many decades. But, with

history’s first Jesuit pope, members of the Society of Jesus also saw Francis’ election as a chance to bring new life to a long dormant arm of the Society: its Spe-

cial Operations branch. Indeed, Jesuits saw the results of the papal conclave as an opportunity for the Society to resume its more ambitious missionary work.

Pestello: ‘Psych!’

‘This baby’s gonna be friggin’ huge’

And, two years later, this hope has become reality; in the predawn hours of March 31, 2015, a group of Jesuit commandos, including many operatives from SLU’s

Say Goodbye!: SLU groundskeepers make room for the statue by tearing down our well-known phallic centerpiece.

By KYLE SMITH Sports Editor/Mogul

In an official statement earlier this week, Saint Louis University President Dr. Fred Pestello announced that the “mutually agreed upon artwork” — one of the 13 stipulations of the Clock Tower Accords — will in fact be a statue, and will be much larger than previously

anticipated.

“Oh yeah,” Pestello said in a press release on March 30.

“This baby’s gonna be friggin’ huge.”

The piece of artwork is reportedly expected to be more than 85 feet tall and will be constructed from 32 tons of marble. Construction crews have already fenced off an area of campus alongside Laclede Avenue, which was

previously reported to be the site of a new residence hall, and have begun work on the foundation.

The piece of artwork generated controversy recently when a group of alumni threatened to withdraw financial support from the university in protest of the statue’s construction. The group was upset it was not consulted before the admin-

istration commissioned the piece.

When asked about the cost, Pestello responded, “Well, I can’t give you an exact figure just yet, but let’s just say, there’s a lot of zeroes. A lot. You can expect a major tuition hike next year, and there’s a good chance we’ll end up cutting a fine

See “Coup” on Page 2

Hunt for rogue handshaker

By JIM WILHELM The Editor fomally known as Tim

Ryan Quinn / #nofilter

Jesuit Hall, landed in North Korea and successfully – and peacefully – toppled the regime of Kim Jong-un.

“At approximately 4:30 am Central Daylight Time, a group of highly trained priests and brothers from the Society crossed over the Korean Demilitarized Zone and made their way into Pyongyang,” said Father Noam Sayin, SJ, the director of Society expansion, at a press conference held in the basement ballroom of St. Francis Xavier Church on SLU’s campus.

“Fortunately, there were no casualties, and our commandos were able to secure a perimeter in the capital and create a base from which we can efficiently continue our operation,” he added.

There is precedent for this type of Jesuit coup – especially in Asia. In April of 1965, as first reported by The University News, a group of Jesuits from Saint Louis University assumed control of South Vietnam and set up the since-closed SLU Southeast Asia campus. But, with Francis’ papacy – and this

Campus safety personnel have increased security measures following reports of a tall, suit-wearing man going on rogue sprees of handshaking and general kindness on campus in recent months. Students have been duly warned, creating an atmosphere of both anxiety, and excitement, over sightings of the man.

Sighting locations include on-campus restaurants and along West Pine in broad daylight, which lends a particular shock value to these incidents. Some have discovered a correlation between recent periods of beautiful springtime weather and the man’s bizarre activity.

The man assailed the University News’s own photo editor, Ryan Quinn, on Wed., March 18, shaking his hand and engaging him in brief conversation. Bystanders were also subject to this same behavior. “The lady in front of me was still talking about it five minutes later,”

said Quinn. He tried to take a photo, he said, but the man covered his face and sprinted away at a speed that would shame an Olympian.

Collected witness testimony provides a tenuous description of the suspect: well over six feet tall, with gray hair and glasses, he is prone to smiling and dressing very well, like a high-ranking university administrator, perhaps. As is often the case in such situations, rumors circulate regarding the man’s name and history; some even claim to have seen pictures of the man.

I asked various students one day last week, trying to get to the bottom of the mystery. When asked about these sightings, the first student I approached, a freshman, said: “Oh, that’s Fred Pestello, the president.”

What this freshman did not realize was that St. Louis University is a university, not a country, so they were obviously mistaken. Barack Obama is the president. I think.

See “Manhunt” on Page 2

See “Statueww” on Page 2

LUIY: A new member for One Direction

By ALEX HANEL Contributor

As One Direction broke the news, breaking the hearts of millions of fans in the process, one SLU a cappella member received news that would change his life. “I can’t believe it,” said freshman Will Higgins of the news. “That morning, I got a phone call.

One Direction wanted me to replace Zayn in their band.”

Higgins is a computer engineering and music major from Gurnee, Illinois, who likes sour skittles and has above-average rapping, and

gift-wrapping, skills. He’s what you would consider a fairly average student. While he is very content with how he has transitioned into college life on campus, Higgins looks forward to the challenges that his soon-to-be much larger public profile will bring him.

“I realize that this will most likely make me famous.

However, I am hoping that I will be able to stay “an average college student” while melting the hearts of fans across the globe at the same time.”

While on campus, Higgins is involved in a variety of groups (such as the Micah Program, Billiken Buddies, and the all-male a cappella group “The Bare Naked Statues”), but singing has always been his passion. “I started singing when I was nine years old, but it was even earlier than that, probably four or five, that I knew I wanted to be in one of the world’s greatest singing groups.”

Higgins admits that this is one of the greatest opportunities that an aspiring

a cappellaist can be offered, but has decided to not let his sights stop there. “I’m incredibly grateful for this opportunity, but don’t want my career to end here. I look at this as an opportunity to join the ranks of some of the world’s greatest solo vocalists, such as Nickelback’s Chad Kroeger, or that weird guy who sings the eBay song.”

Ryan Quinn / Took a picture once

See “1D” on Page 2

WANTED: Who is this guy and why is he being so nice and approachable??????

2

NEWTS

TIME IS AN ILLUSION

Grand Blvd. skyway to be built Continued from Page 1

For years, students at Saint Louis University have had to endure what has become almost a right-of-passage for undergraduates: learning to safely cross Grand, which splits SLU’s Frost Campus in half. It is no easy task; Grand is a main thoroughfare for both north and southbound traffic in the city, and its lanes are o f t e n crowded with cars carrying c o m muters to various locations across the city.

A street divider -Ted Mosby, was constructed – along w i t h traffic lights – to help students make the treacherous crossing, and DPS officers are able to control the lights to extend the time that students have to cross during the busiest hours of the day.

But crossing Grand still remains a dangerous endeavor; an urban legend told to tour groups states that if a freshman student is hit by a car, while crossing Grand, they receive free tuition. This, unfortunately, is not true.

What is true, however, is that SLU and the city have finally reached an agreement to end the days of students running across Grand, dodging traffic to try and get the last serving of orange chicken before Panda Express closes. On Tuesday, March 31, SLU’s

“

“

By PAUL BRUNKHORST Commuter Senator

Department of Facilities Management and the city’s public works administration announced that construction begins next month on a skyway bridge over the Grand and West Pine intersection.

“We’re very excited to announce this project,” said Ted Mosby, the lead architect hired by SLU to create the bridge, which has a preliminary construction cost of $975,000.

“I think that SLU is doing the right thing here, not only in hiring me for this project, but in realizing that they are making a significant – and worthwhile – inarchitect vestment into student safety.

Crossing Grand is about to get a hell of a lot easier.”

The skyway will tower twenty feet over the street – plenty of room for large semi trucks to pass under, Mosby says. It will be covered and climate-controlled, as well, to give students optimal comfort during any season.

In addition, blue lighting will adorn the outside of the skyway to signal passersby that they are crossing under a piece of SLU’s property.

The skyway bridge is a project that has been in the works for years, SLU Facilities said in a statement released to the University community on Tuesday.

SLU explored a number of options – including an underground tunnel and a gon-

dola-style hanging monorail – before settling on the skyway design. That being said, though, the current project will still have its challenges.

“The biggest difficulty in building the skyway will be, no doubt, making it accessible,” Mosby said. “To have a structure rise twenty feet above the ground in such a little amount of space will require us [the engineers] to cram a stairway into an incredibly tight space; we don’t want this structure to take up more of the sidewalk than it has to.”

Indeed, once completed, the skyway is sure to be an imposing structure. While the project has been praised by many students, there are members of the university who are less-than-pleased with the plan.

“I think it’ll be ugly,” said Lilly Erickson, a junior mathematics major, who was part of a group of students protesting the decision outside of Dubourg Hall on Tuesday. “Personally, I prefer just crossing the street. There is no need to spend almost a million dollars to create a skyway that will only be, like, fifteen feet long. Plus, I like that problems with the current crosswalk sometimes gives me a legitimate excuse for being late to my dreadful Ritter-basement classes.”

Mosby, a SLU grad, acknowledged that Ritter Hall is an eyesore. But he said that safety, not excused absences, is the most important factor in the project.

“Sure, I hate Ritter like everyone else,” he said. “But in the end, in comes down to this: do I want to get hit by a car when I’m crossing the street?”

Courtesy of Michelle Peltier

Skyway: SLU plans to build a skyway to span the length of Grand.

One of the nicest surprises to come with this news, Higgins said, has been the undying support of his friends. “They are totally behind me on this. Its just so nice to know that they have my back at all times”.

“Oh…yea…” said one such friend, who, for some reason, wished to remain anonymous. “It’s really cool for him, I guess. Despite the fact that we have gone to the same schools for ages, I’ve always had better grades, and I’ve helped him through countless group projects and tests, I’m just glad to know that he will be making more money than I could ever dream of, while I am still stuck here doing hard work”.

Sadly for the soon-to-besuperstar, though, not everyone is completely behind him. “There’s a large group of people, calling themselves ‘Beliebers’ -or something like that- who are really, really angry with me.” After reaching out to the National-

Statue: Brace yourself for a behemoth of a monument Continued from Page 1

Despite efforts to strategically place reporters around campus to catch the suspect in the act, no incident occurred and no evidence documented. An overnight watch was also staged, although little resulted from that except numerous traumatizing encounters with squirrels that are clearly unfamiliar with the concept of personal space.

One inquisitive student, a junior, rescued a reporter from one of these encounters and asked the purpose of the stakeout. Upon hearing, he said: “Yeah, that’s Pestello. He’s been the president for, like, almost a year.

How do you not know that?

You covered his inauguration in the paper.”

And by golly, he was right. This break in the story led to DuBourg Hall, in search of this still-enigmatic “Pestello” fellow. Because the president of the university is apparently a busy person, an interview was not possible.

However, Clayton Berry, the assistant vice president for communications who works closely with the president in his day-to-day schedule, was available for comment. “A Pestello sighting has become a kind of legend around campus. Students really seem to appreciate that the president is making such an effort to get to know them and connect with them on a more personal level.”

Coup- Coup- Korea

UNews: Advertise: we need money.

the commandos in the coup.

Continued from Page 1 SLU has a right to set up new coup – SLU once shop in North Korea, Jesuit again hopes to establish a officials say. presence in Asia, this time “By 2018, at the latwith a northern campus. est, we’ll be the first Univer“We think that, with the sity west of the Mississippi to prominent role SLU played lead a coup against a volatile in the coup, the University and unstable should have dictatorial reno problem “By 2018, at the latgime and set setting up a up an auxilKorean camiary campus in pus in, say, two what was once to three years,” its capital city,” said Brother Loblaw said.

Bob Loblaw, “Expect SJ, the directo see a bantor of foreign ner to comcorresponmemorate this dence at SLU, achievement in a telephone hanging on interview with the light posts The University News. of Lindell boulevard in the Indeed, SLU had very near future,” he added.

20 priests from Jesuit Hall SLU’s office of adinvolved in the coup, and missions announced that it though the Society already will begin accepting applicahas a strong global presence tions to attend SLU’s newest – it operates on nearly every campus this fall, at the earlicontinent – delegation from est.

SLU made up the majority of

nal Belieber Headquarters, the University News was able to confirm that Justin Bieber, was, in fact, hoping to be offered the role with the group, but was turned down for Higgins in a last minute decision.

“At the end of the day, though” said a clearly excited Higgins, “I don’t know what the future holds. It will be scary to step out of the comfort of school, but I feel like this is a challenge I am ready to face, and I am looking forward to this great next step in my musical career.”

Higgins will officially join One Direction this coming June, as the band raps up their tour of Asia. Then, they will return to the US, where their first performances will be at Madison Square Garden, Carnegie Hall, and the birthday party of a boy named Tim. Tickets for all of these events will be available through www. watchwillsing.edu.

The man’s administrative entourage has some reservations. “In situations like these, when someone new takes over such a powerful position, you have to give the person a grace period to get a feel for the position and the environment,” said one administrator who wished to remain anonymous. “To get any pent-up, crazy out, you know? I mean, Ph. D. or not, you could be a raging maniac. I mean, take me for example. When I got here, I would go crazy sometimes and wear non-matching socks for kicks. But I got beyond that.”

Thankfully, after much serious investigation, it can safely be said that Pestello’s kindness is a valuable asset to our campus.

Further interviews with students enthusiastically taking advantage of the fine spring weather in past weeks revealed the following sentiments among our number: “Fred Pestello... How do I begin to explain Fred Pestello?”

“Fred Pestello is flawless.”

“I hear his suits are insured for $10,000.”

“I hear he does car commercials... in Japan.”

“His favorite movie is ‘Frozen.’”

“One time he met Father Biondi on a plane...And he told him he was a pretty swell chap.”

“One time he punched me in the face... It was awesome.”

THE SLU SCOOP All Information not provided by Department of Public Safety and Emergency Preparedness

Dec. 4, 2014 3:00 a.m.

On the last day of the 2014 production year, a UNews staff member graduated and moved back to her home state of Iowa. She promised to visit, but she has not yet made an appearance. Donations for gas money are now being accepted; please stop by the newsroom to contribute.

Be a Responsible Billiken STOP. CALL. REPORT. 314-977-3000 witness.slu.edu dps.slu.edu

Buy Jim’s Tuna You can never have too much tuna.

Manhunt: A swell guy!

Continued from Page 1

arts department or two.”

The extraordinary cost is due not only to the size and complexity of the sculpture, but because of several “premium features” purchased by the university. These add-ons include spotlights surrounding the base, solid gold trimming and an honor guard to ceremoniously defend the sculpture 24/7.

“I’d like to reiterate just how large we’re building this bad boy. I mean, it’s just going to be massive. A glorious, gargantuan behemoth. We’re talking the Lincoln Memorial, the Colossus of Rhodes, the Pyramids, all rolled into one. Whatever you’re picturing, I’m thinking something bigger.”

Dr. Pestello also addressed concerns about the intended message of the piece. Some in the SLU community have feared that the statue will be used to commemorate the rioting and looting that occurred after the Ferguson decision was announced.

“I want to be very clear about this: Contrary to what you might have heard, this is not just some ‘anti-cop’ statue,” he said. “It’s so much more than that. It’s antipolice, anti-government, really just anti-anything that resembles America. That’s the message we are trying to convey here.”

The president added that in addition to police officers, the statue was intended to disparage and offend firefighters, soldiers, teachers, civil rights activists, mechanics, vegans, anyone who works in the food services industry and people named Clint.

“I hate them. I hate them all,” said Pestello, visibly disgusted.

While the designs for the statue have not been officially released, anonymous sources confirmed several elements that will possibly be included in the final sculpture. These include an upside-down flag and depiction of Abraham Lincoln punching a cop.

Dr. Pestello did reveal one crucial detail about the statue.

“In order to make the statue fit seamlessly with every other statue at SLU, all human figures represented in the design will be totally, utterly, 100%, buck naked.”

The statue is expected to be fully erected by next fall.

UNewts

&

Arts Entertainment

April 1, 2015 arts@unewsonline.com Maggie Needham, Arts Editor Katherine Kelliher, Assoc. Arts Editor

L’ascension de la SCANDAL: SLU student ties the knot with One Direction star langue française According to a friend of the couple, they plan to remain in St. Louis until Kelliher’s graduation from SLU, in May and then move to Chicago.

Diehard fans of One DiStyles is currently on rection singer, Harry Styles, leave from the band’s world have taken to the streets in tour due to heartache from emotional displays of deZayn Malik’s recent deparspair! Directioners (as they ture. call themselves), both on One Direction fans reactfoot and in wheelchairs, ed in fury after Styles comhave left their homes to promented on the elopement via test the recent elopement of twitter, as the hashtags #WeUniversity News Associate HateKate and #EndTheirEArts Editor Katherine Kellopment trended Saturday liher and the one-and-only, and Sunday evening. brown-haired beauty, Mr. “I will not be leaving One Harry Styles.

Direction,” Rumors Styles tweethave been ed, “Katherswirling of I couldn’t help ine and I are the couple’s in love and relationship but fall in love. that since they Her dance moves Imyhope fans can were spotted were the best I’ve support me having a roand my new mantic renever seen! wife.” dezvous at Needless The Fountain -Harry Styles, One to say, the on Locust, Direction member fans do not reportedly support the Kelliher’s fanew couple. Kelliher has revorite ice cream stop. When portedly received numerous reporters questioned Kelthreats via social media and liher, she simply referred to may need to graduate under Styles as a pal and nothing a false name. Roving bands more. of pre-teens have stormed TMZ first released inthe Saint Louis University formation of the elopecampus, causing mass unment Saturday evening, rest and destruction around when photos surfaced of Kelliher’s apartment. Dethe couple apartment huntspite SLU Administration’s ing in Chicago. Kelliher had attempts to cover up the a telltale ring on her finger. situation by attributing the Fellow band member Niall chaos completely to the conHoran appeared to confirm struction behind Fusz, St. the elopement via Twitter Louis Metro Police were nostating “Welp, the cat’s out of tified and have now placed the bag. So happy for Harry around-the-clock protection and Katherine, best of luck! surrounding campus. #Hatherineforever #KarryStyles has notified Presiforever”

By MILA KUNIS Ballerina

“

“

dent Obama of the security issue and the secret service will attend the graduation in order to ward off any peeved fans.

Kelliher broke her silence on the issue yesterday evening during an interview with Matt Lauer.

The NBC onair personality flew into St. Louis to interview the couple about the recent excitement. They discussed the conundrum over burgers and shakes at Bailey’s Range.

“I do not feel threatened,” Kelliher stated, “I know that the fans will eventually support the engagement and continue to love One Direction and their music. As for Harry and I, all I can say is —the heart wants what it wants.”

Styles provided insight into the couple’s relationship during the interview.

He told Lauer that they met in August after the band’s concert at the Edward Jones Dome and have been dating on the down low ever since.

“She was standing in the front row with a group of her friends. She danced all night long and I couldn’t help but fall in love. Her dance moves are the best I’ve ever seen!”

Styles gushed.

The couple did not reveal any information regarding Styles’ attendance at Kelli-

By ELOISE BISSETTE Correspondante française

her’s graduation; however, it is unlikely as he is expected to return to the band’s world tour.

Styles has dropped hints that a song off the band’s upcoming fifth album will be dedicated to Kelliher.

Whether or not the elopement will affect ticket and CD sales is still unknown.

Responding through her publicist, Taylor Swift had this message for Kelliher: “You should just tell him to leave because I know exactly where it leads. Nonetheless, I will enjoy watching you go round and round before ending in burning flames.”

Chaque semaine, comme rédactrice de la section d’arts de ce journal, je dois écrire en anglais, corriger en aglais, créer des pages en anglais, tout est en anglais. Tout. Et je ne peux pas le faire encore. Je ne peux pas le faire. Ça suffit. La langue anglaise est une chose que je déteste, et je dois vous dire que je ne vais pas le faire plus.

La langue anglaise est minable. Elle est laide, lourde et simple. Elle ne peut rien dire d’importance, parce que tout qu’elle dit émerge comme une chose désagréable aux oreilles. Les sons, les consonnes, les voyelles, le façon dont les lèvres bougent, la candence des mots dans les phrases: tout est méprisable. Je ne sais pas comment tant de personnes choisissent de parler cette langue, quand il y a autant d’autres langues dans le monde ... par exemple, le français.

Le français est la langue la plus belle du monde, sans doute. Tout est belle quand on le dit en français. Même les choses mauvaises, les choses méchantes, les choses horribles, elles semblent comme des papillons et des arcs-en-ciel quand on les dit en français.

Je pense que tout le monde devrait parler français, tous les jours, pour tous qu’on veut dire. Et, de plus, on devrait écrire en français aussi. Ça veut dire que ce journal devrait être imprimé en français, que tous nos écrivains devraient écrire et penser en français, que nos rédacteurs devraient cor-

riger en français, que nos lecteurs devraient lire en français.

Si nous faisons ça, notre journal deviendra très plus respectable, plus beau, plus interéssant, et plus important dans ce monde et dans notre université. Nous pouvons nous mettre dans une position de commencer l’ascension de la langue française comme la langue de pouvoir et de prestige mundial (plutôt que l’anglais).

Nous allons faire un tour des montanges russes qui montent avec la précision et la beauté de la langue. Nous allons influencer le monde avec notre position dans ce campus avec les étudiants et les professeurs. Nous allons changer le monde.

Comme étudiants, nous avons le pouvoir du future. Tout le monde sait que nous allons très bientôt être en charge du monde économique, social, political, et artistique. Avec ça, nous avons le choix de comment on va communiquer.

Nous avons l’option de continuer a parler et a écrire en anglais comme d’habitude, de continuer à utiliser cette minable chose qui pense qu’elle est une langue.

Ou, nous pouvons choisir le chemin plus préstigieux et plus courageaux. Nous pouvons choisir le français.

Nous pouvons changer la direction de notre génération.

Nous pouvons faire la chose correcte.

Je vous tous demander de considerer cette option sérieusement. Cette option peut améliorer le status de la langue.

En attendant, je ne vais plus travailler ici.

‘Osmosis Jones’ sequel: Do not resuscitate

By JOSHUA CONNELLY Chief Copy Editor

In November 2014, Universal Pictures released the Bobby-and-Peter-Farrellydirected “Dumb and Dumber To,” a sequel to the duo’s 1994 comedy “Dumb and Dumber,” starring Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels. Though “To” was widely panned by critics, it made more than quadruple its budget at the box office, leading it to be considered a financial success.

Not long after the release of “To,” the Farrelly brothers announced a sequel to another movie of theirs, 2001’s “Osmosis Jones.” The followup had been in development for the better part of three years, but the Farrellys and Warner Bros. kept the project, titled “Osmosis Jones 2: Electric Boogaloo,” under wraps until December 2014, when a late-March release date was announced.

The original “Osmosis Jones” followed the titular character (voiced by Chris Rock) as he struggled to prove his worth as a whiteblood-cell police officer living within the body of unhealthy, mid-40’s widower Frank Detorre (played by a live-action Bill Murray).

The film’s split between animated and live-action scenes was supposed to be a draw, but the critically panned live-action scenes – often described as gross and un-

necessary – led the movie to bomb at the box office; it made slightly more than $14 million, compared to a budget of roughly $70 million.

While the first “Osmosis Jones” focused on a deadly infection as the source of Detorre’s health concern, “Boogaloo” focuses on a metatarsophalangeal joint sprain, which is a befuddling choice for a movie oriented toward children. What do children know about turf toe, why would they care, and what child can pronounce “metatarsophalangeal” correctly?

Murray returns as Detorre, who is now in his late 50’s and has developed turf toe in his right big toe after a charity flag football game at the high school where his daughter Shane now works as a math teacher. The audience learns of this injury during an opening monologue, delivered by Mayor Tom Colonic (voiced by Ron Howard). He has been serving as Mayor of Downtown Frank since Mayor Phlegmming’s impeachment, which apparently came soon after the conclusion of the original film.

The decision to focus on turf toe instead of a disease or illness leads the film down a confusing path that critics have called “far too dull for children” and “an idea that was clearly not well thought out.” While the plot attempts at times to recapture the humor of the original, most of the jokes fall flat, because

when was the last time you heard a good joke about turf toe?

One of the biggest changes in Downtown Frank since we last visited is the recent promotion of Jones to chief of police, a plot decision that should have allowed for some growth for the character. Instead, screenwriter Marc Hyman, who returns to pen the sequel, makes some questionable decisions with the police station scenes, including one in which Jones spends four straight minutes filing paperwork in silence, while eating a tuna fish sandwich.

The sequel runs for only 98 minutes, which makes the dedication of four solid minutes to silent paperwork all the more puzzling. Is this an inside joke of some sort? Did Hyman lose a bet? And why a tuna fish sandwich?

Because turf toe is not a result of invasive bacteria or virus, but rather a connective tissue injury, there is no physical villain in this film. Instead, the audience is treated to plenty of scenes with Jones and a couple of unnamed white blood cells standing around inside the toe, looking impatient, as they wait for connective tissue to heal. Who on Earth green-lit this movie after reading this snoozer of a script?

The biggest mistake “Osmosis Jones 2” makes, besides picking a dull subject matter and not including

an actual villain, is the lack of a straight-man character to play alongside Jones.

In the first film, that role is taken up by Drixenol “Drix” Koldreliff (voiced by David Hyde Pierce), but no character steps up to fill the void left by Drix. While it makes sense that a cold pill would not have much of a role in fighting turf toe, a replacement character of some kind would have made a lot of sense (and it may have resulted in less silent filing time, too).

All in all, “Osmosis Jones

2: Electric Boogaloo” feels more like a halfhearted cash grab than anything else. Less interesting characters, thinner plot points and the fact that turf toe is simply not funny, drag this film down further than one could have imagined. Though some stylistic choices are bizarre enough to at least be considered intriguing, they do not act as quality motivating factors that might drive one to see this film. Even hardcore fans of the original “Osmosis Jones” would do well to avoid this dull, pointless sequel.

Osmosis Jones 2: Electric Boogaloo

‘Osmosis Jones 2’

D+

THE GOOD The brightly colored scenery and top-notch voice acting are worthy of praise.

THE BAD

“Turf toe” is a terribly boring focal point for the plot of a children’s movie.

THE VERDICT Even dedicated fans of the original can skip this one.

4

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

APRIL 1, 2015

OUT

UNewts Editorial Board Pet Competition

On The

TOWn ArTs ediTOrs’ Picks

Look, we here at the UNewts know that print media is dead. We know that you spend all your time on BuzzFeed, Tumblr and Vine. College students don’t want long articles about what’s going on in the world. We know what college students want.

You want cute animals. We get it. Therefore, we’ve initiated a competition for the pets of all the members of the UNewts Editorial Board. 10 pets are entering this first round of the competition, with four winners moving on to the second round.

Soon, one pet will remain victorious.

Music

BEEK Casey Waughn

Elvis The Pageant Oh wait, he’s dead.

VS.

Michael Jackson Chaifetz Arena You wish.

The Beatles Blueberry Hill Never

PEPPY Maggie Needham Courtesy of Casey Waughn

Courtesy of Maggie Needham

BIRDIE Ryan McKinley

Theater Grease Nowhere in St. Louis I don’t know the dates.

VS.

Cats The Fox Look it up.

A Chorus Line Somewhere in the world This year, sometime.

DARCY Kyle Smith Courtesy of Ryan McKinley

Courtesy of Kyle Smith

GIZMO Mary Kate Fitzpatrick

Movies

VS.

The Shawshank Redemption You should watch this.

Go rent it.

Gone with the Wind Chase Park Plaza Definitely not

LEFTY Paul Brunkhorst Courtesy of Mary Kate Fitzpatrick

Courtesy of Paul Brunkhorst

OSCAR AND PIÑA Lexie Vasos

To Kill a Mockingbird Tivoli Theatre Read the book first.

VS.

SLU Events Dalai Lama CGC Not likely.

WILLARD Jessica Park Courtesy of Lexi Vasos

Courtesy of Jessica Park

SNICKERS Tim Wilhelm

William Shakespeare Presentation of his latest text Cupples House Maybe next year

VS.

President Obama & Vladimir Putin panel.

Tegeler Hall TBD

FELIX John Schuler Courtesy of Tim Wilhelm

Courtesy of Kevin Law

UNewts

Sports!

Kristo returning to SLU Unable to ‘score’ in Italy

Saint Louis Athletics

No Romeo: Robert Kristo is electing to return to SLU, in part to the lack of attention from European women. Sources say his Ronaldo-esque haircut and soccer talent fail to stand out. even heard him crying on the phone after multiple rejections from women whom he thought should have easily swooned at the opportunity to bask in his presence. Kristo’s coaches have stated that these tragic events have affected Kristo’s confidence on the playing field.

“This is not the [Kristo] we signed. We need the forward who was the 2014 Atlantic 10 Conference Player of the Year,

Fat Ronaldo comes to STL

By RYAN MCKINLEY Lone Soccer Fan

In an effort to bolster their attack following a 2-0 loss to Louisville City, St. Louis Football Club (they mean soccer) signed superstar Ronaldo for the season. Before you ladies and gentlemen start looking forward to seeing the sexy Portuguese forward destroy defenses and set underwear on fire with his devilish good looks, hold your horses. We mean the chubby, Brazilian Ronaldo.

Ronaldo is a player regarded by some as one of the best of all time, playing with teams such as Real Madrid, Barcelona and Inter Milan. After retiring in 2011 with Brazilian club Corinthians, Ronaldo’s weight gain only accelerated.

He came out of retirement this February to sign with the Ft. Lauderdale Strikers with a promise that he would regain his match fitness.

Having failed to do that, Ft. Lauderdale was looking to unload Ronaldo on the cheap; St. Louis FC gained the rights to Ronaldo for a subscription of “ESPN The Magazine” and 20 boxes of Thin Mints Girl Scout Cookies.

After the news broke, head coach Dale Schilly stated: “We’re really excited about the

DEER

signing. Due to his level of fitness, we don’t expect Ronaldo to play more than 10 minutes a game, but we hope he can bully the smaller central defenders while he is in.”

Schilly later added that he hoped that Ronaldo could become an immediate leader in the locker room, despite other players being half his age and weight.

After discussing the addition of Ronaldo with the players, it seemed as though they agreed with their coach: “You know, we didn’t really have a choice. It’s kind of a fear plus reverence, like how you felt about your weird but distinguished uncle. In the first practice, he knocked out our starting keeper with a kick to the sternum, but then he bought the man a beer. He’s cool.”

We asked some St. Louis residents about the signing.

They answered our question with another: “What the hell is St. Louis FC?” We tried to interview Ronaldo, but we don’t speak Portuguese. (Correction: He actually speaks English; we were just too nervous to talk to him.)

Why are you still reading this? Deer, Deer, Deer is below this. That’s good journalism.

DEER

who led the Billikens with 30 points, not this whimpering boy who cannot get a single woman to ask him for his autograph.”

It was the Italian coach’s decision to send Kristo back to America to benefit his mental health, in the hopes that he can take the first steps in his recovery with the help of his mother.

Kristo has also turned to his ex-teammates for com-

fort. Former SLU midfielder Kingsley Bryce, midfielder Raymond Lee and defensive star Anthony Manning all accepted their contracts to play in the MLS and have been rumored to be suffering from their own downfalls. All three players have agreed that the MLS is difficult and strenuous on their bodies, and the small crowd following does See “Kristo“ on Page 8

Facing mounting pressure from Rams owner Stan Kroenke, the city of St. Louis announced on Monday, March 30, that the entire city will relocate to Los Angeles so that the NFL franchise can stay in St. Louis.

“This is a monumental move for the city,” said Luke Warm, a city planner for St. Louis, “but we think that this is the best course of action if we want the Rams to remain a St. Louis team.”

The relocation will not be easy. City officials expect that the move will take approximately four months, with the bulk of the work to be completed during the warmer summer months. Moving more than 300,000 people and their homes to a new state will require urban planning of an epic scale.

“There will no doubt be some complications with this approach,” Warm said, “but ultimately it was our only course of action. The NFL is a powerful persuader; they get what they want. This is the best situation that we could hope for – everybody, not just the team, moves.”

Indeed, the plan is to relocate the entire city: houses, people, buildings, parks, museums – even the zoo will have a new home in LA. This plan includes an important proviso for SLU: Starting in the fall, the university will be

a West Coast school.

“I’m really excited for the move,” said SLU sophomore Oscar Lavista, who is from California. “I didn’t even really want to come to the Midwest in the first place, so the move back to California will be great.

There are, of course, complications beyond the engineering and architectural logistics: Not everyone wants to move, and some St. Louisans are questioning the legality behind allowing a city to up and move to a completely different state in order to keep its football team.

“I’ve lived here all my life,” said Thad Hurtz of the Soulard neighborhood. “I can’t imagine that this heinous action – relocating an entire American city – will be upheld in court.”

A number of prominent city residents and organizations – including SLU – are suing the state of Missouri over the lawfulness of the city’s actions.

“There is no way that this decision is upheld by the courts,” said SLU Law professor Sosumi Alredi. “Saint Louis University will not be moving. We have a place in this city, and we will not be swayed by the whims of a forprofit, professional football team.”

If the city does win in court, however, SLU may have no choice. Using its powers See “Relocation” on Page 8

Basketball team to learn football

Saint Louis Athletics

Learn to throw: After a disappointing basketball season, SLU’s athletic department decided to take the team in a new direction, encouraging them to begin playing football.

By CASEY WAUGHN Cleat-Chasing Cat Lady

It’s no secret that after the departure of 2013-14 seniors Dwayne Evans, Jordair Jett, Mike McCall Jr., Rob Lowe and Jake Barnett, SLU’s basketball team was going to struggle and rebuild for a few years. However, no one, not even SLU, anticipated this past season being as bumpy as it was.

As a result, the Billiken Athletic Department announced earlier today, April 1, that they will be abandoning the basketball program, forgoing the rebuilding period. In lieu of a basketball program, SLU will bring back its football program for the first time since 1949. The coach of the new program, also announced today, is Kim Jrews, who previously played and coached at Indiana University

DEER

WHO TO DEER: PERSIAN FALLOW DEER The Persian fallow deer is a rare ruminant mammal of the family Cervidae.

They are physically larger than fallow deer with bigger antlers that are less palmated. They are nearly extinct and currently reside in southern Iran, though they were once found all across the Middle East. However, they are currently being bred in captivity for reintroduction to the wild. Oh deer!

STL relocating to LA in effort to keep Rams

By PAUL BRUNKHORST Commuter Senator

By LEXIE VASOS Unpaid Intern

Robert Kristo, who graduated from Saint Louis University a semester early to pursue his professional soccer career, will return to SLU in the fall.

Kristo received an offer from the MLS’ Columbus Crew back in January, but quickly turned it down for the opportunity to play overseas for Serie B club Spezia Calcio, in Italy.

Although he is no longer eligible to play, SLU soccer head coach Mike McGinty has declared Kristo the honorary water boy for the 20152016 season. McGinty commented on the surprising appointment in a March 27 press conference.

“Having Kristo on the bench delivering water to the guys will play a crucial role in our success this upcoming season.”

The most important question that comes along with this announcement is what happened overseas that resulted in Kristo’s return?

Sources in Italy have revealed that Kristo has been having an immensely difficult time catching the eyes of Italian women. This is a huge change for the 6’4” forward whose Cristiano Ronaldostyle haircut and built frame were the main attractions for women on SLU’s campus.

Kristo’s teammates have

April 1, 2015 sports@unewsonline.com Kyle Smith, Deer Editor Lexie Vasos, Unpaid Intern

For continued multimedia coverage of Billiken sporting events, visit unewsonline.com or follow us on Twitter @TheUNewsSports

under famed coach Lee Corso.

Following his time at Indiana, Jrews then coached at Army, where he had a record of 3590 from 2003-2013. SLU will join the Sun Belt conference, which is made up of primarily small schools in the South.

“We’re really trying to get back to our roots, and focus on a sport that we have excelled at in the past,” SLU athletic director Chris June said.

“Basketball hasn’t been work-

ing out so well for us recently, so we’ve decided to go another direction and are excited for the future.”

June has a point here, as SLU is famed for inventing the forward pass in football, a game-changer for the sport.

Also, the mascot, the Billiken, has its roots in the football program. Many claim that former football coach John Bender looked like the good luck charm, so the nickname stuck.

Many are probably wondering what will happen to the current basketball team, and players, but it is speculated that SLU has anticipated this move for a long time. Current basketball team members will be invited to play on the football squad, as many of the skills carry over; after all, athleticism is athleticism.

For example, instead of shooting three-point shots from wide range, former shooting guard Mike Crawford will be hitting receivers as the new Billiken quarterback. Ash Yacoubou and Davell Roby will be in the backfield for the new squad, as the running back and fullback.

Marcus Bartley and Miles Reynolds, two promising basketball freshmen, are being looked at as special-teams players for the new football See “Transition” on Page 8

BY KYLE SMITH, DEER EDITOR WHO TO DEER: REEVE’S MUNTJAC Reeve’s muntjac is a muntjac species found in southeastern China and Taiwan. It feeds on herbs, blossoms, succulent shoots, grasses and nuts. It is doglike in appearance and has stripes.

The males have short antlers (four inches or less) and two-inch upper canine teeth. They are called the barking deer due to the distinctive noise it makes when threatened. Hot dog!

WHO TO DEER: ALASKAN MOOSE The Alaskan moose is the largest subspecies of moose. Like all moose, it is usually solitary but will sometimes form small herds for mating purposes.

They eat terrestrial vegetation, forbs and shoots from trees, such as willow and birch. They require a daily intake of 9,770 calories and lack upper front teeth, but they have eight sharp incisors on their lower jaw. How amoosing!

6

APRIL 1, 2015

SPORTS

This week in sports!

Yik Yak of the week Error: Yaks could not be loaded at this time. Please check internet connection and try again.

Scores from the week Baseball Wednesday, Mar. 25 Cubs Billikens

1 16

Friday, Mar. 27 Harlem Globetrotters Billikens

67 5

Satday, Mar. 28 Purple Cobras Billikens

4 12

Sunday, Mar. 29 Rhode Island Billikens

9 6

Softball Saturday, Mar. 28 Men’s Baseball Team Billikens ???

Billikens

5 5

FORFEIT

Sunday, Mar. 29 St. Louis Penitentiary Billikens

2 95

Playa of the week Austin McBroom Hoochie Huntin’

Kristo: Family requests

Transition: hut, hike!

Continued from Page 7

Continued from Page 7

not help.

“I was used to walking around campus and having everyone know who I was and how amazing of a player I am, but now I am treated like everyone else, and I don’t feel special when I go places. This is a very difficult transition for me and my former teammates, and we are leaning on each other during this troublesome time,” said Bryce, in an interview on March 28.

The men are used to being the top dogs in the college soccer world after having played for the D-I school with the most NCAA titles, but now they are stuck in the MLS, which sits in the shadow of the English Premier League.

Bryce revealed that the former Billikens have been taking part in a Skype support group on Thursday nights that allows for tears to be shed without judgement and that it is helping them find themselves in this new, more hostile environment.

Kristo’s family is currently asking for privacy during this difficult time.

“Our beloved Robbie is doing everything in his power to better himself, and right now he needs the support of his collegiate fans to conquer the field once again,” they announced in a press release immediately after the announcement.

The Billikens will have one familiar face back on the bench next year, catering to the needs of the other players. In addition, the support group is already planning monthly trips back to SLU in order to regain their confidence by walking down West Pine and gracing the rest of the SLU community with its glorious presence.

Lean on me, above: Raymond Lee jumps into the strong, reliable arms of Robert Kristo in a heartfelt reunion.

Better times, below: All the former Billikens in the pros now regret their decision to ever leave their beloved school.

team, specifically the kicker and punter. With the terrific height from the forwards, SLU promises to have Calvin Johnson-like receivers.

The team will play home games at the Edward Jones Dome and Vandy Field, since Hermann Field is used in the fall for soccer. The Edward Jones Dome will be used when the Rams are playing away games, or if they actually up and leave for Los Angeles.

Vandy Field will be renovated in several ways to accommodate spectators.

The field will be dug out, set below ground level, kind of like Michigan Stadium, to accommodate bleachers. The field will also be entirely enclosed by nets to prevent the ball from going into the street and out of play.

The parking lot by Cartier and Boileau halls will be turned into grass, as the field will have to move to the north several feet to accom-

modate a larger sideline on the southern side of the field.

The former parking lot space will be used to accommodate fans and tailgating, which the University encourages in the DeMatt parking lot before games.

Adding the football program is one of the reasons for the roughly four percent tuition increase for the next school year, as sports ain’t cheap and most FBS football programs don’t make money.

“I am thrilled for the addition of the program to SLU, and know that it will be a success from the start, thanks to the wonderful student body,” Jrews said. “I am excited that so many former basketball players are on board with the switch in sports; we’re excited to make an impact early. Our sights are set on the Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl this year.”

Billiken fans have a reason to be excited to return to school this fall, and Saturdays will have a whole new meaning across campus.

Relocation: Let’s take it, and push it over there Continued from Page 7

McBroom Media Relations

Junior guard Austin McBroom has spent his offseason prowling SLU’s campus in search of hoochies. McBroom is slowly moving up in the rankings in the National Collegiate Tail Chasers (NCTC) league and was awarded the Atlantic 10 Conference Man Crush Monday of the Week.

McBroom currently has a .76 swoon percentage and had an impressive week juggling woman, managing to rotate through his entire roster. Austin’s followers, the “Broomies,” increased to 9,717, which will hopefully result in rise in McBroom’s favored tweet numbers.

Games this week

of eminent domain – a legal course that city officials are exploring – St. Louis could force the university to move.

“All members of the city must go with us. We believe that we’re in this together,” Warm said. “If you’re not willing to shell out $1 billion for a new stadium, and if you can’t make one sacrifice and move to another state, then maybe you should reconsider whether or not you’re a true Rams fan.”

Saint Louis Athletics

New Skyline: Above is an artist’s depiction of how the new city would appear at night. Some St. Louis citizens have cited the warmer weather as a reason to move.

, Apr. 3

, Apr. 4

By the numbers

7 73 4.42 5 9 2 17 1949 19 64 ? number of people reading this right this second

$

number of times we’ve probably misspelled “Yacoubou,” “Agbeko” or “Yarbrough”

, Apr. 5

number of SLU basketball players forced to sit out this year’s NCAA tournament

number of times Jim Crews says “combinations” per interview

baseball team’s combined ERA, whatever the hell that is

number of freshmen on the men’s tennis team

last time Saint Louis University had a sport win streak of the worthy of tailgat2013-14 basketball ing, cheerleaders and season... sigh... school spirit

number of innings in a baseball game and number of minutes anyone can stand to watch baseball

price of beer at women’s basketball games (really)

I suppose we should include something about tennis or cross country here

&

UNewts

Opinions Editorials

April 1, 2015 opinion@unewsonline.com Ryan McKinley, Opinion Editor

Editorials are opinion pieces written by the Editorial Board of The University News. The editorials printed in this space represent the opinion of The University News.

Commentaries and Letters to the Editor represent the opinions of the signed authors, but do not necessarily represent the opinions of The University News.

Letters The University News reserves the right not to publish any letters that are deemed intentionally and/or inappropriately inflammatory, more than the 300-word limit or unsigned by the original author. The following are letters and/or website comments. Because the identities of website posters cannot be verified, all website comments should be treated as anonymous. Actual letters to the editor may be submitted online at unewsonline.com or e-mailed to opinion@unewsonline. com. Please include your cell phone number.

Jessica Park / Chief Illustrator

As the only two organizations on campus that are beholden to the Board of Trustees, the University News and SGA have a unique partnership, where SGA sometimes makes the news, and we sometimes report and editorialize on it.

Sometimes, though, we get bored doing that, so in an effort to make SGA more interesting to report, we offer up a number of suggestions that we believe would make SGA more fun for everyone.

Our first suggestion is an open bar. In addition to increasing the participation of upperclassmen before they head over to Humphrey’s, it would also break the monotony of the meetings.

We also propose dance breaks. Trust us, the best and worst dancers will be recognized for their moves. We also propose recesses that are more like recesses for children, complete with a jungle gym and four square.

In addition to these things, we believe the mandatory wearing of powdered wigs and robes would only make Senate more interesting, as would the gifting of gavels to each and every senator. We can imagine the parliamentarian screaming over the clamor in the Senate chambers.

“Order in the court! Arts and Sciences, just because it’s fun to bang the gavel doesn’t mean you have to do it every minute!”

Their attire is one thing, but we also expect our senators to speak in the jargon of their constituencies. If the commuter senators don’t compare the beleaguered process of funding CSOs to traffic jams, they’re out. If people from the business school aren’t making up and combining words like synergize in their speeches, they don’t deserve to represent you. In a related point, we want to make SGA more accessible, so for commuter students, we will allow a commuter students a parking space in the senate chambers.

Sometimes people have personal qualms with one another, so we propose a space where disagreeing parties can spar, with

Beginning on March 5, the Russian President Vladimir Putin began an 11day, unannounced hiatus that sent the world into a tizzy. For almost two weeks, rumors ran amok: Some thought he had died, while others thought he was having surgery in an unnamed European country for some unknown sickness.

Thankfully (don’t know what we would do without him, with his lifeless blue eyes captivating us so) Putin returned to the public spotlight, welcoming the President of Kyrgyzstan, Almazbek Atambayev, to a lovely chat near St. Petersburg, over tea and borscht. When asked to divulge why on Earth he has been gone for 11 days, Putin only smiled and said, “It would be boring without gossip.”

You heard it from him, folks! He wants us to gossip, and gossip we shall.

You must know that while those days of Putin’s absence terrified us, they also prompted us to make a running list of what we thought might have been hap-

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the person who wins a coin flip deciding the style of the duel, be it MMA, arm or thumb wrestling or Just Dance.

We also propose that SGA annex Cartier Hall and host dance parties there. President Knezetic, this is the most important precedent you will ever set; such a party would leave something that future Presidents will strive to top. Legen-wait for it-Dary!

When announcing bills and amendments, we propose a number of other changes. We would like beautiful men and women to parade around the assembly to announce each new bill in the chambers like the ones at boxing events.

Outside of the chambers, an executive-appointed town crier will relay the proceedings of the meeting through a walkie-talkie, walking up and down West Pine, bell in hand, calling out bills as they pass. If a club is chartered or receives spot funding, any money it receives must be paid in $1 bills, and the VP of Finance has to make it rain.

We believe each President should be assigned a secret service team. Attire will be whatever the President wishes (For Jay, our guess would be something Vineyard Vines). On top of all of this, when each meeting is over, SGA must bring in the dancing lobsters.

Finally, we demand that SGA bring back Dumbledore’s Army and give them a Room of Requirement. They could also get a Quidditch pitch, but not both; they don’t deserve that much.

So as not to completely eliminate the fun SGA has while stripping organizations of their charters, we suggest that every week SGA de-charters a random organization. We think Anne Robinson from “The Weakest Link” would do a great job of giving the unlucky CSOs a proper goodbye! More “rational” changes like getting a copy editor for SGA emails, establishing a Judicial Branch or making voting for SGA elections mandatory will have to wait for a while; we’re too busy dancing with the lobsters.

pening.

Our first suggestion was that he getting HIV tested… 916 times. He kept getting a result he did not want, and it took nine days and four doctors to reach his preferred diagnosis. Putin was so drained of blood by the end of the tests that he had to use some that was stolen from the Red Cross for a transfusion. He is still worried the blood is gay, an ultimate irony.

Another thought was that he was off saving Kim Jong-un from Seth Rogen and James Franco. The movie is to come out on videocassette May 1.

Yet another idea was that the original Putin is not actually alive, but that Russia has succeeded in cloning him. Unfortunately, the clones only last about a year and a half before they fall apart, and the machine to make a new Putin was broken for several days.

A few ideas surfaced that can remind us of our own lives: One believed that Putin was looking for his keys, swear-

ing that they were exactly where he had left them. Another thought he had been snowed in and was digging himself out.

One editor thought he was binge watching “House of Cards” and YouTube videos blocked by the KGB. Yet another editor thought he had just dozed off for nearly two weeks. One editor thought all those ideas were all wrong and that Putin was just trying to figure out the color of “the dress.”

Others suggested that he was doing something that suited his style, like riding shirtless on a horse without a saddle across Siberia, hunting Bagiennik (a mythological water monster that secretes hot oil from its body) or going to spring training to watch the Cubs (they are his favorite team and he insists they are making the playoffs this year).

Whatever our bets were, it is assumed that we will never find out what Putin was up to. We only hope he does not scare us again by running away like that.

John Schuler was born sometime in November of 1992; the exact date of his birth remains unknown, because, as he once said, “I died as I lived: in silence.”

But what is known is this: John Schuler lived a damn good life, and he will be missed. Few will forget his favorite color – matte black – and all will miss his good sense of humor and appreciation for Rob Lowe DIRECTV commercials. John was a noted train enthusiast: “I liked trains.” As the editor-in-chief (or, as he liked to say, the “Editor and Chief ) of The University News, John was an assertive but gentle boss; he was a strong leader but had a deep sense of empathy. As he liked to say, “I’m the boss, bitch.”

John, in addition to taking photos for the newspaper and being its editor-in-chief, had a number of hobbies during his life. One of the activities that he enjoyed the most was working out at the campus gym.

“John liked to pick things up and set them down,” one of his friends remembered.

John is survived by his girlfriend, Egg. To quote Horace Slughorn: “Your body will decay, but your spirit lingers on!”

THE UNIVERSITY NEWTS 2014-15 EDITORIAL BOARD EDITOR AND CHEF JOHN SCHULER eic@unewsonline.com

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THE EDITORIAL BOARD OF THE UNIVERSITY NEWS RECOGNIZES AVIS MEYER, PH.D., AS THE NEWSPAPER’S FACULTY MENTOR.

“Freedom of the press—print, online and broadcast—is a basic right in a democratic society and is valuable in promoting the development of students as socially responsible persons ... The University News is a student voice, not the student voice. The views of The University News are the expressions of the students involved ... If [The University News] can represent a point of view around which discussion may develop, it serves a legitimate and needed purpose.”

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8

APRIL 1, 2015

OPINION & EDITORIALS

Adnan Syed is innocent!

Exclusive tell-all from a man with the same name as the murderer from ‘Serial’ results were showing up edly bother my friends who higher. spoke Spanish, asking them Instead, a set of articles to tell me how to say things with Adnan Syed’s court aplike, “Brush your teeth in a peal showed up. I decided circular motion.” to listen to the first episode Later that evening, while of the “Serial” podcast. Inwe stood in line for dinner, trigued, but not patient a girl from Texas heard my enough to listen to my name name and came up to ask for nine more hours, I deme, “Where’s Jay?” A couple cided to read the PBS article of weeks later, back at school that had been published on my lab TA and biology prothe developing story. fessor both inquired about I realized that perhaps, Jay, too.

I did know I was so Jay after all. excited to That was finally have I, Adnan Syed, the name of an answer the regional for them, manager of “At Panda old when Panda ExExpress!” press, where Now, they all Adnan Syed I worked for looked conthree years! fused. Hah! L a t e r I, Adnan that week, Syed, was in Nicafive years ragua, I was preoccupied, old when Adnan Syed was struggling with my Spanish on trial. I, Adnan Syed, was for the first few days. I had playing with Legos when no choice but to repeatAdnan Syed was on trial. I,

“

“

It all started with my friends randomly, asking me where Jay was. I was confused.

I didn’t k n o w anybody named Jay. The questions spread to my Faceb o o k Adnan Syed w a l l , a n d my friends sent me links to ‘Adnan Syed “Serial” Podcast subject’. For a few days, I ignored it. I thought it was just a hoax my friends were pulling on me. Right before I left for a dental service trip to Nicaragua, I decided to Google myself, as one does … admit it, you do it too.

I’d recently uploaded a new academic paper I had written and naturally wanted to see if my academia.edu page

Adnan Syed, committed the horrifying crime of cycling off to my friend’s house a few streets down, without telling my mom, when Adnan Syed was on trial.

This last event did prompt my mom to put me on trial at home. The youngest of my siblings, I was told that I could never do that again. I was only allowed to cycle on our street for the next couple of years. For me, there were no appeals, and certainly no award winning podcasts chronicling the injustice.

During my teenage years, I did once take some money from my dad’s wallet, and put it in the mosque donation box, so perhaps that balanced out the one misdeed that the other Adnan Syed has admitted to.

Thank you Adnan Syed, for all the attention I have gotten the past few months.

I hope the dental school admissions committee will understand.

Photos Courtesy of Adnan Syed and Imgur

He said, Syed said: UNews Web Editor Adnan Syed wants to claim his innocence of being Adnan Syed. Adnan Syed was not available for comment on Adnan Syed’s claim that he wasn’t culpable for the crime committed by Adnan Syed. Here are photos of both Adnan Syeds near the time of the crime, which was committed in 1999.

Obama: Kenyan, Muslim, trickster Since I am in the second half of my final term as President and it doesn’t seem like Wa s h ington will acc o m p l i s h anything until I am out of office, I’m ready to finally Paul Otto c o m e c l e a n about a few things.

First of all, I want to say something to my Republican friends in the legislative branch. I know you think that I can’t make a lasting peace with Iran without your approval, but just watch me.

I honestly can’t believe you guys still think you can control me. I thought the immigration order would have cured you of that silly notion.

Oh, that and the five-year anniversary of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. If you didn’t know, that’s Obamacare, baby… boom.

Second, I want to say that I will be so happy to retire after my presidency. Although I’m not sure all of you can read, I did write TWO multimillion dollar books, so I

plan on just writing a couple more more and relaxing while the rest of you have your fun ruining the country. Michelle and I will have a grand ol’ time laughing at how everything falls apart without me.

Another topic I would like to cover is the subject of my personal nationality and beliefs.

Once and for all, I would like to confirm that I am indeed a Kenyan Muslim. People thought I was smart, but think of how smart I must be to lie for my entire campaign and presidency without any of you being able to prove it #dumbandstupid.

All you Southern “Godfearing” Christians who thought I was no-good man(heathen?) opposed to your religion, you were right. I am not a Christian, and I get on my knees and thank God for that, because Protestants and Catholics bicker more than in-laws at a Christmas party.

The reason I hid my Kenyan citizenship so that I could covertly funnel money into my home country. That is actually why my spending bill was vetoed recently.

There was too much vaguely phrased “aid money” earmarked as “international relief ” for Kenya.

Also, the deficit that we

have been running in my presidency isn’t because of the billions spent on designing new weaponry to replace the already state of the art equipment the US has for war, or the myriad loopholes that the wealthy use to stash cash overseas and avoid taxes. It’s because I have spent millions both in relief to Kenya and, wait for it, betting on horse races. Yes, it’s true, I am a sucker for a good filly. Most of the money in Kenya has been spent on preserving the lion population there. (huh? Seems like a non-sequitor at the end there) In terms of preserving the population, I lastly want to speak to climate change. If you’ve been wondering, then I can confirm it for you, climate change is all a crock.

Yes, Senator James Inhofe, you were right. That snowball you threw in Congress actually WAS proof that the Earth is not warming.

It has actually been ridiculously cold the past couple years, but I’m pretty sure that has something to do with Hillary’s political comeback…

I’ve actually been speaking out about climate change purely for the money. I know there is all this talk of the Koch brothers and all that, but Green Peace is where it

is at.

You know those multimillion dollar profits off my books? That was Green Peace buying up tons of copies as an under the table bribe to talk about how greenhouse gas emissions are ruining the world and how we are all going to die if we don’t curb pollution.

All scientists will tell you that we are doing great and we should be burning more fossil fuels not fewer. I’ve just have been getting paid millions in “campaign donations” to relentlessly jabber on about this inane issue.

And you bought it!

Essentially, I just want to thank all you Americans for helping me to fool you these past years.

I have made millions, messed with millions of Republicans (literally making them froth at the mouth in the case of the Tea Party), and when I retire I will litereally be able to see Kenya from my house, because that’s where I’m going. And I will be laughing, because in the immortal words of Parks and Rec’s Andy Dwyer, “I definitely have more lions than any other country… if that ends up meaning anything, I am set.” The best part of all … you don’t even have to pay them.

Barack Obama

Pestello’s anger translator Have you all seen Key & Peele’s sketch on President Obama’s anger translator, Luther?

Because Obama is seen as so c o m posed a n d never comes off as Ryan McKinley p a r ticularly e m o tional, Key & Peele gave Obama a translator who would say all the angry things Obama wishes he could say.

Over the past few months, I have been mightily impressed with SLU President Dr. Fred Pestello’s own tact and composure during perhaps the most tumultuous semester in SLU’s recent history. However, I feel he has some things to say to the SLU community and to the world, so I will create his own anger translator. His name is Freddy Pes-tell-youoff.

On Aug. 12, in a letter to the community three days after Michael Brown was killed, Pestello wrote, “St. Ignatius directed us to speak little, listen much.”

Pes-tell-you-off: “Than means shut up and listen up, folks!”

In that same letter, Pestello wrote, “If students express concerns regarding their own safety, please assure them that our Department of Public Safety is monitoring the situation closely and is in regular contact with local police authorities. The safety of our students, faculty, staff, patients and visitors to SLU is always our top priority.”

Pes-tell-you-off: “Ferguson is miles away; look it up on Google Maps. We are fine. Stop sending me worried emails.”

On Oct. 13, only several hours after the Occupy SLU protests began in the wee hours of the morning, Pestello wrote a letter to the SLU community stating, “These are unprecedented times for the St. Louis community, and Sunday and this morning, they arrived on our doorstep, as a protest was staged on our campus.

We as a SLU community have responded peacefully and have kept the protests from escalating in any way.

Please know that at all times, the safety of our students has been our top priority – and continues to be . . . Once on campus, the protestors were peaceful and did not cause any injuries or damage. In consultation with St. Louis Police and our Department of Public Safety, it was

our decision to not escalate the situation with any confrontation, especially since the protest was nonviolent.

While the protestors were sometimes loud, they were respectful of the students they met. At the same time, we ensured that all of our residence halls were secure and that DPS was carefully monitoring the scene.”

Pestello’s anger translator was on full blast: “I was woken up at midnight to be told that hundreds of protesters are on the bridge. What was I supposed to do? I’m not an Alabama state trooper from the ‘60s; I let them pass! I didn’t invite them here, so don’t you go saying this was my idea. And for the love of the good Lord almighty, your kids are all right! Nobody’s ransacking the library (to the kid spreading that rumor, you better watch it!). Yes, they’re, loud but so is Vandy on the weekends, am I right?

I don’t want to be called a bad host, so they’re going to stay a while. Chill out; I got this.”

Throughout the week, Dr. Pestello sent several more emails, but all he was really saying was: “I stationed DPS officers there, and you call worried. I give you cameras, so you can watch for yourself that nothing is happening, and you still call. I have all of SLU answering calls from parents and alums. I have these demanding protesters on one side and these demanding parents on the others; I’m sick of it. I’ve been taking salsa lessons, but does anyone want to see how much progress I’ve made? No! I need some love too, folks.”

By the end of the week, Pestello’s anger translator was over it: “I gave the protesters what they wanted, kicked them out. I’m going home for a four-day nap. I may be leaving; Le Moyne was never this hard. Maybe I’ll be a Dolphin again next week, who knows.”

After waking up from that four-day nap, Pestello decided to stay, and early this semester, there was fear that Pestello might lose his job.

Needless to say, Pes-tellyou-off was incensed: “I’m not going anywhere; you can take that off your bucket list. And for the record, the Board of Trustees loves me.

So to the kids making that video supporting me: Thank you, but I’m not your Dumbledore who needs saving.

You know he died right? I’m an Italian guy from Ohio.”

For those who didn’t get enough, Pestello was present for the town hall meeting on Monday, and his anger translator was hanging just beneath the surface, just waiting for you to give him a reason.

Courtesy of Michelle Peltier

Pes-tell-you-off: “You see me smiling now, but you want no piece of this hurricane. I have no time for your calls or your crap. Go home and have a barbeque.”