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unewsonline.com
Vol. XCV No. 21
Friday, April 1, 2016
A student jest of Saint Louis University since ... a long time ago
BREAKING: Pestello says enough is enough; he will coach the men’s basketball team. See page 8
Refresh seen as a means to embrace digital media
LOGO: The new UNews logo is a simple blue box. The paper sees this as a big improvement compared to the old logo, which was determined to be too informative and confusing. By PAUL BRUNKHORST Editor and Chef
Faced with the looming presence of online media outlets and the attentiongrabbing aspect of their medium, The University News – SLU’s student newspaper – announced today that it has completed a rebranding effort: unveiling new logos for the paper and a new font for its text-based endeavors. “We spent a lot of time over the past couple of months assessing our situation,” Paul Brunkhorst, the paper’s editor-in-chief, said at the press conference
announcing the paper’s refreshed look. (The press conference was sparsely attended; inside sources say that the only attendees, the paper’s editorial staff, were required to attend.) “We think that this new logo will engage people. It’s not cluttered like the old logo. And creating a new look was a hell of a lot easier than continually trying to improve our content and write good pieces – which is what we’ve done in the past. Writing is hard; this new logo reflects what our readers desire: simplicity,” Brunkhorst added. Indeed, the paper spent
a significant amount of its time and financial resources pursuing its redesigned logo and look. Editors and staff committed themselves to gathering input from the paper’s readers, and The University News says that it took seriously the recommendations and comments it received from its subscriber base. “We convened focus groups and conducted surveys, and we can say with certainty that the new logo and font are what people want from the paper,” Brunkhorst stated. The new logo is a simple blue box, which the paper
says signifies its commitment to simplicity – stories that won’t make you think too hard. And the new font that the paper will begin using is Comic Sans – “a third grade-level approach to making stories friendlier,” Brunkhorst quipped. Though the paper says that it is in dire financial straits – print ad revenues have fallen steadily over the last few years – it still spent a few thousand dollars, approximately 30% its budget, to pay for a logo refresh by an outside company, a company that was also involved in other high profile logo campaigns. “Yes, we’re facing a budget deficit for this school year,” Brunkhorst stressed, “but this is money well spent. People will love this new logo.” It appears, though, that the public has not been as receptive to the redesign as Brunkhorst and his staff thought. On the paper’s Facebook page, the picture of the new logo has garnered more than 500 comments – most them negative. “Does the UNews think that its readers are stupid?” one commenter wrote. “No, of course not,” Brunkhorst said when asked about the comment at the news conference. “We’re just trying to prepare the paper for the digital age. The new logo and font will ensure our continued relevance in the future.”
Scrutinizing Atlas, sort of By ALEX HANEL Radical Extremist Social Justice Warrior
A breaking investigative report conducted by the University News Editorial Board has revealed that the ATLAS Program is actually an illegal front, organized by radical extremist social justice warriors, used to make students at SLU actually give a damn from time to time. The ATLAS Program, whose “official” mission is to “Increase awareness of the global issues that confront us today in an effort not only to promote discussion, but to inspire and inform action.” While this façade serves to placate administrative overseers and the casual donor or two, undercover investigation has discovered that the whole gig is secretly de-
signed, created and repeated year after year to radicalize students and force upon them a sense of civic duty and international responsibility. “Quite frankly,” said Haley, a female sorority member at SLU who asked to keep her last name unrevealed for fear of retribution from the aggressively benevolent organization, “I’m not comfortable with radical advocates forcing a doctrine of international education, cultural competency, and calls to action down my throat. I want to be able to choose which social issue I care about for one week out of the year.” When asked for comment, the ATLAS Program director confronted investigators with an obviously fake
yet, genuinely confused reply. “I honestly do not know what you mean. All we do is hold events that encourage students to learn about areas outside of America, where is the harm in that?” The harm, our crackpot investigative team found, lies in the collateral damage that such radical teachings will do to the social balances already at critical tipping point within the University. “This will have huge negative impacts on campus aggregate happiness,” one undercover investigator within SLU heard an un-named Dean explain to a confused colleague. “If our students learn that there are actual people experiencing actual poverty outside of the St. Louis region, their malleable little souls will certainly feel
bad! Possibly even enough to plummet our current ratings in the recent “Universities with the Happiest Students” rankings.” While higher-ups are ensuring that no actionable practices or follow-ups will be approved to act upon this new sense of care and charity brutally forced upon the student population, some students actually remain unaffected. “Look,” said Joe Johnson, a critical symbol invented for this story to make you reexamine your own life, “I didn’t attend the Clock Tower Accords, I have never attended a candle-light vigil, hell, and I skipped out on the Oath of Inclusion Talk during welcome week! Why the hell would international issues affect me anyways?”
UNews mourns for editor By EMILY HIGGINBOTHAM Senior Obituary Staff
Paul Allen Brunkhorst was born on September 2, 1993 among the dusty, dank books at the Minneapolis Public Library, where his love for literature began. He was buried wearing his most prized possession: his monogrammed lifting gloves. Paul never denied his love for his gloves, or his obsession with exercise. As he told many: “I lift.” After a brief, unsuccessful
attempt at learning to swim, Paul turned to his second love—letters, and when they’re put together-- otherwise known as words. During his tenure as Editor-inChief, he often suppressed a blinding rage at an ineffective staff and professed a deep-seated hatred of mu-
sicals. He also wrote some stuff, but nothing worth mentioning. The editorial board revered Paul’s bravery in his investigative pieces on the Student Government Association’s weekly meetings. He often caught naps during new business. We reached out to the SGA president, who Paul re-
spected, but fundamentally disagreed with, when it came to neckwear. When asked to comment on his passing, Bryant responded, “No comment. Winky face.” Paul died where he was most alive—Joo Joo’s Korean Karaoke. As he fell to the floor, after a sweeping rendition of Whitney Houston’s immortal “I Will Always Love You,” he uttered his final words: “oooooh, nooooo. Was that supposed to happen?” Paul, we hardly knew ye.
BREAKING:
Writing center focuses on poppycock more jargon-friendly. A few examples of sentence fixes were provided: When Ben Jonson, a juSample sentence 1: The nior in the College of Arts United States and other deand Sciences, got a paper he mocracies are well equipped recently wrote for one of his to confront political chalbusiness classes returned to lenges. him, he was shocked by the Edited version: The degrade: a C+. mocratization of the United “It was disheartening,” States has greatly increased Jonson said. “And it’s not like its inclusionary ability to I haven’t gotten low grades face issues that have been before. I seriously put a lot problematized by abundantof time into that paper, and ly prevalent worldly woes – I thought that it was one of woes whose promulgatory the best pieces I’ve ever writaspects are increasingly apten.” parent. The paper, however, acSample sentence 2: Aucording to comments writthors constantly try to perten on it fect the by Jonson’s dialogue of p r o f e s s o r, their literary had one fatal characters. Jonson was flaw: it was Edited too clear. version: “I underBook writstand what ers fervently you’re tryattempt to ing to say, legitimize and that’s the playa problem,” ers in their Jons on’s works by professor giving them penned in satisfactorily the margin. “Where are the significant lines, ones which power words? Where’s the are indices of deep analytic academic mumbo-jumbo?” thought. Jonson was floored by Jonson and other stuthe critique; he says that he’s dents expressed hesitation, spent a great deal of time in however, and some students the writing center perfecting see the new center’s goals his narrative voice and arguas antithetical to everymentative style. thing they’ve ever learned in “I didn’t know what to school. The SLU English dedo,” he said. “I’ve gotten betpartment agrees. ter grades on papers that I “We are appalled by the thought were absolute crap, university’s commitment stuff that I literally scribbled to being confusing,” the down five minutes before department said in a letclass.” ter released soon after the And Jonson is not alone. announcement of BULL’s The results of an academic creation. “Nobody benefits survey conducted by SLU at from this. All along, we have the beginning of the semesbeen teaching students to be ter show that many other clear, to use less adverbs and students are adjectives – struggling to show and with the not to tell same issue – and now – professors all of that are increasseems to ingly giving have gone them bad down the marks for drain. This their clean, is unbelievsparse writable, and we ing. hope that “What, the admindo you think istration will I’m a child?” re consider one profesthis move.” sor wrote on the paper of a The university countered student who agreed to show by stating how important his work to The University BULL will be in securing jobs News on the condition that for students. Employers, the he remain anonymous. “No school stressed, are increaswords in this paper have ingly looking for big words, more than five syllables, and for sentences that sound imyou haven’t made any nouns portant and for writing that into verbs – I can’t give this can be easily construed in any higher than a D.” multiple ways. But the university has “This is the future,” the finally decided to respond. university said in its letter In a letter sent out today to to students. “Who has a job the student population, SLU and who doesn’t have a job administrators announced will be determined by one’s the opening of a new writlevel of expertise in obfuscaing center, dubbed the Baltion. Commitment is a scary derdash Update to Language thing, so if what you’re sayLessons – or BULL for short. ing is ambiguous, you’ll defiThe center will be staffed by nitely have a leg up.” undergraduates from a numJonson, however, is still ber of disciplines – notably skeptical. He did recently resociology, business, psycholceive an A for a paper writogy and political science – ten in the new BULL-apbut it will be open for use proved style, but he regrets by all members of the SLU what he’s lost. community. In the letter an“My writing used to denouncing the center’s openfine me,” he said. “But now it ing, the administration gave seems to just make me more a few examples of the work unsure of myself. I don’t that will be done in the cenknow what I’m saying anyter to make student writing more.” By PAUL BRUNKHORST Editor and Chef
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New logo for The University News
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eam. See page 8
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