The Piranha Vol. 42 Issue 2 - Winter Edition 2020

Winter Edition

Cooking

Science

Social Justice

December 2020

How to ferment your cum into a refreshing, protein-filled lockdown hooch.

Depressed first year students to replace rats in biomedical research.

SU announces OffBeat doughnut voucher relief voucher for those living in Direct Provision.

-pg 6

- pg 3.1415926

-pg RON

002

Lifestyle

Is he Cruising you in the Arts Block toilets, or are you projecting?

The

Piranha

ANKLE-BITING SATIRE FROM THE MURKY DEPTHS OF TRINITY COLLEGE DUBLIN

THAT'S ENOUGH 2020 FOR ONE YEAR

WE HAVE LOST OUR FUCKING MINDS!

Winter Edition, December 2020

IN FOCUS

Opinion Poll: Luke O’Neill Replaces Provost as Trinity’s Daddy

It’s a time of change here at Trinity. The days are getting shorter, Christmas is getting closer, and we can finally start pretending that our year-round depression is “seasonal”. But there has been one constant for the past decade in the College of Ka-ween Lizzie. That has been the discreet middle-aged charm of our irresistible salt-and-pepper leader: Daddy Paddy Prendergast. Each Freshers’ Week, naïve first years have their daddy issues ignited as the provocative Provost welcomes them.

From that day forward, no matter their sexuality or gender, every Trinity student’s loins quiver only for one man. Until now.

In a twist as shocking as the SU’s Movember video , Professor “Cool Hand” Luke O’Neill has surpassed (ex-)Daddy Paddy as “Trinity’s Hottest Dad” in The Piranha’s annual poll. The poll showed that 54% of Trinity’s student body favoured epidemiology’s new-found Bad Boy, who left the incumbent trailing at 43%. As usual, the Ivana Bacik Stans still made their presence known, gaining her a refreshingly non-heteronormative 1%.

The Provost Formerly Known As Daddy conceded in a speech last night, after a decade of creating a dozen Electra complexes a day. While still a silver fox who creams jeans with his patented sly grin, many analysts have attributed his shocking fall to an ill-conceived Movember attempt.

Those few pubic lip hairs transformed him from a Bill Clinton to a Willy O’Dea. From a fuckable father to a Chuckle Brother.

So who is Luke “I am your father” O’Neill? Think of him as the anti-Tony Holohan. Smart, affable, and exuding just enough optimism to stop you

from taking a nice long bath with your toaster on day 5468 of lockdown.

An immunologist by training and a heartbreaker by nature, he has shot to stardom An immunologist by training and a heartbreaker by nature, he has shot to stardom with regular Newstalk segments, where his sultry tones have titillated the senses of the nation since the beginning of the Really Big C. His whispered assurances of hope have caused biological chain reactions across the Trinity campus and his charmingly crumpled lab coat does wonders for his sky-blue eyes. Think of him as the Hugh Grant to Paddy P’s Daniel Craig.

Daddy is dead. Long live Daddy.

The Piranha's Top Tips To Make a Quick Buck This Gift Giving Season Here at The Piranha, we know times are tight. Particularly at Christmas, every cent counts, so we went to our resident money-making expert for some insider tips to fill your wallets this winter.

1. UNLEASH YOUR INNER CRIMINAL After an interview with members of Trinity's new landlord society - DURESS - who can’t be named for legal reasons, we come at you with all the hot goss on how to earn that cash dolla - tax free and with performing any actual work. We have secured insider info on where CAB stores its loot and whose dick you gotta suck to get the keycard. Don’t say we never did nothin’ for ya! Keep an eye out for the secret clues we have been dropping over on our instagram.

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4 . CRACK INTO THAT SWEET CU LOAN Once the pleasantries with Máire at cash desk number three have been exchanged you get down to business. Yes you’re on a first name basis by now. Yes she knows the ins and outs of your sex life or lack there of. Yes she informs you of the juicy details of the small town gossip that your mothers nightly 7pm call fails to include.

Don't pretend you hate it and it’s a chore, you love this twice a year catch up, like those with your “best mate” from secondary school 2. MARRY RICH something that must be kept up for appearances. Except this time, Here we go gals, piranha's foolproof plan to get you hitched by you walk away with a few extra 000s in the Revolut. Bag: secured.

December 12th: 1: Learn how to swim 5. SCAM THE SYSTEM 2: Take at least three ice baths a day to prepare the body My personal choice right here. Starting an Onlyfans is soooo last 3: Trek out to a swim spot of your choice (this publication year. PUP is where it’s at ladies. recommends vico baths, but 40ft or Seapoint may do the trick) Register for PUP today. Literally just do it. You will get it. No *note - essential that the spot is located in SoCoDu questions asked. There’s literally no verifications at all. That sweet 4: Flirt with one of the many DryRobeWankers you will set your €250 just hits your account every Tuesday no receipts or nothing. eyes on before you even dip a toe into the icy waters Pro-tip: make sure to do this ASAP and secure that back payment 5: You and Mr. Dzryrobe Dzaddy will live happily ever after with and Xmas bonus plenty of cash dolla to paper over the chasms in your sham marriage Super Pro-rip: register as self-employed (you’ll thank me later) (at least til next year when he trades you in for a newer model) BUT REMEMBER KIDS, AS OUR FRIENDLY SU PRESIDELF SAYS: 3 . WORK AS A TEMP Now that level 5 has been downgraded to level 3 and the retail sector is back to its pre-panny D self: open for business (much like our editors’ assholes); get yourself one of those sweet, loaded with benefits, cushy Arnotts / BTs / Debenhams (oh wait) 20 hour a week contracts. Worst case scenario you’re in the stock room messing on your phone and getting paid, best case scenario you’re in the hallowed halls of Mr Brown and Mr Thomas (menswear-bottom floor) making €999 commission on every sale - and if you’re good enough they may even keep you on past the seasonal rush for the bargain price of your mortal soul!

Winter Edition, December 2020

Quod Dixeunt

This Day in Histor y

1918

University Times first starts offering unsolicited Dating Advice.

Trinity Biodiversity Initiative founded as 4 new types of bacteria discovered in Hamilton Computer Labs.

"You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy baguette!"

2032

"Yeah it’s getting tres paro with the lockdown… or sorry… I mean very… it’s hard to switch."

2045 Perch Customer Service Improved by Employee Spitting in Your Face

Your drunk mum tries to be woke on Chr!stmas.

Fossilized chipmunk found in House 6 confirmed as remains of Eoin Hand.

- SF Global Business lying through her teeth.

"I shared that infographic and she still won’t fucking reply to me. What more does that bitch want?"

- 3rd Year BESS as he twists his school ring around his finger and eyes up the nearest wall. " People have described it as … the medicine of the arts block" - A disconnected EuroStud

-JS French and English failing her semester at the Sorbonne.

“Yeah say important, we haven’t used that word yet" - Two BESS students writing an essay in the business school

"His facebook is ugly but he’s looking well in the fam christmas pic on his sister’s VSCO" - 2nd year PPES trying to convince her mates (and herself ) that he’s good looking “Friends and some kind of reaction when I tell Philly I love him” - Eoin Hand’s Christmas wish list

3050

"No mum! I swear! SarahBeth and Rosemary’s joint 21st is going to be so socially distanced"

Dixeunt

1996

Zoom theatre outlawed.

Participants face charges of home invasion and grevious time wasting.

3

‘Oh, Maradonna? Thank God, I thought you said Madonna!!’

"Stop crying and turn off the Sing Street soundtrack, I need something for my fucking story" - Euro Stud on Erasmus determined to be having THE BEST TIME

"I find it hard to multitask" - Movember participant who stayed silent on the discord leak citing ‘enough activism for this month’

" We will not rest until we have our fettuccine with the belles in Carluschios”

- JF self-proclaimed ‘Queen of the Arts block’ in a threatening email to Mícheál Martin’s unmanned constituency office

- SF self-described “gay icon” stepping in off the windowsill

The Piranha

NOTES FROM THE THRONE

G

od, time flies when you’re sitting at home wondering if anyone would miss you when you’re gone. Against all the odds, we’ve made it through quite possibly the most uneventful, watching-paint-dry (socially distanced of course!) Michaelmas Term on record. And to celebrate we’ve been bequeathed a month-long Saturnalia to drive those cases back up like the Dow Fucking Jones baybay!!!

While it may feel like nothing has happened since September, we’ve been keeping a beady, unblinking eye on the comings and goings and I’m sorry to say it makes for bleak reading. Halls seems to have become a portal to Pyongyang, complete with showtrials, defectors and terrified first years speaking only on condition of anonymity. The library has made it more difficult to get a seat in the Ussher than in the last lifeboat on the Titanic, and that’s before the indescribable pleasure of having to book the 24-hour through Eventbrite. Life is a parody, chaos reigns.

At least we had that week when we all watched the Crown and forgot about things for a while.

That was all a bit British of us wasn’t it, is this what we have become in the college of the College of the Holy and Undivided Trinity of Queen Elizabeth near Dublin? Was it for this...

There’s plenty to look forward to though, should you live to see it. We’re waiting with bated breath for not one but two election contests in the Spring. Believe us when we say that when it comes to Provostial Elections, we’re going to make CNN look like your primary school’s Christmas newsletter, we literally cannot fucking wait. We’re buoyed by news of the vaccines, travelling like the Magi to Bethlehem, carrying precious gifts across a barren, destitute wasteland, and arriving in early January. Unless

you’re on Her Majesty’s NHS in which case you can fuck off back to your yellow Taytos and stay there.

In all seriousness though, it has been an unimaginably difficult time to be a student.

Particularly since September, when college’s piecemeal, reactionary and often contradictory response to teaching and learning during a pandemic has left many students with the rough end of the stick. So well done for hanging on, even if only by your fingernails and with the help of a vicious substance dependency. Hilary Term promises a platoon of fresh hellscapes, but for now we hope you can take some time to relax, look after yourself, and to try to find some joy and contentment. Happy Christmas, we’ll see you all in the New Year, in the mass graves.

From the dizzying heights of #14 on the Trinity Twenty,

James and Shane xx

Editors: Shane Kenneally James Johnston

Senior writers: Ellen Higgins Hugh O'Leary

Pierce O'Meara Celine Delahoy Contributors: Lucy Miller Claire Brennan Katie O'Brien Finn McGrath Hector Wright Robert Tolan Max Wilson Iseult Ryan Niall Begley Liam Grugan The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, perhaps try learning that jokes aren't necessarily things people believe but are instead, jokes. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described

in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman.

The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time.

The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Winter Edition, December 2020

4

We Go Inside Trinity Halls Maximum Security Facility The first thing that hits you when you walk into Halls is the stench.

Desperation, cheap wine, and sweat stick to the walls like the tobacco stains in old pubs. After being admitted by the Hazmat men at the main gate, I couldn’t help but wonder what the suits protected them from? Covid, or the putrid malaise of students forced to live and work in their own mess. I stepped over the body of a dead girl on my way to the central courtyards.

She'd been pretty I thought. Now she was rotting, her face all broken and in a mess. I doubt I was the only one who envied her that day. Security was razor tight, Grab your ankles. Cough. Swipe your Keycard.

I passed dorms, one after the other, students sat at their desks like shaking, shitting dogs. They sleep and eat there, staring at the screen all day, waiting for stimulation. The drip-feed of virtual education mainlined right to them.

When you stare into the Zoom, Zoom stares back and never blinks.

In a different time they would have been the revellers, the repeaters and the high-flyers. Bright young things with a zest for life, pills and driving home to Thurles on Saturday morning still well over the limit. But now, their youth stolen, they are forbidden to venture past their door frames, denied the touch of another. Obscenities are hurled as I pass. "Please, oh god please fuck us or kill us, or both!" "Away vile creature’s" says the guard with a shoo of his baton. They hiss and retreat.

I managed to speak to some students, on condition of anonymity. The punishment for unauthorised contact with the media is a week spent locked in the now empty Smiles Convenience Store. Here detainees are subjected to ‘solitary time’, which encourages reflection and ‘smiles’.

"Every morning we wake at dawn and walk to Cunningham House, we break it down with our bare hands, we find bones in the rubble all the time, I take any teeth I find and suck em' for the calcium." This story is not unique.

I speak to a student who'd been caught making "the Dartry Cum Rum" in his shower. He was called to a zoom hearing. "Before the disciplinary meeting started they made me swear on a framed picture of the Provost. I was told to keep it next to my bed to inspire better behaviour. They slapped me in the face and then..then they kissed my cheek and told me I'd get better."

Another brave surivivor told of being caught with contraband ,"they found my hardback copy of Normal People and beat me with it til my ears bled and I saw white."

If you are moved by the contents of this article then we urge you to donate to the Halls Relief Fund today. Or just chuck some fermented semen hooch over the fence to the poor bastards.

250€ FROM THE GOVT & HOW TO SPEND IT!

Unsure how best to piss away your pittance from the State? Let us guide you on a monetary journey as you forget all woes and learn what it's like to live life like it's a gold tap that just won't stop - Cause baby we are SOPPING!

With Daddy Harris's 250€ You Could Buy; 63.2 oat milk flat whites from Butlers 2.5 A&E visits 13.1 packets of 12 condoms 33.3 flatbreads from Tang 38.4 take away cocktails from the porter house A ten night stay on trinity campus Your mothers love...of joe malone candles 1/8th of a personality 641 packets of Tesco chocolate buttons 1 fine from the halls wardens 41.6 goldfish from the sketchy pet shop off O’Connell st 5.5 Luas fines 8.3 replacement T-cards

50 bottles of that shitty wine you used to get at all society events 56% of a professional zoom account for a year 38 rounds of circuit laundry 12.8 packets of Amber Lea

Rare pictures smuggled out by Halls defectors (colourised 2020)

!!SOCIETY SCENE!!

Here at The Piranha, we've taken it upon ourselves to rank Trinity's Societies by how annoying their faux-enthusiasm has been this lockdown.

10. DU TradSoc:

Trad soc get 10th place because I don’t think their enthusiasm is actually that artificial. I think they genuinely believe that people are getting excited about zoom Tin whistle lessons

9. DU Boat Club:

Being allowed to train in person, they do have a reason to be enthusiastic. But, they’re on the list because it annoys all of us to see how happy they are to be freezing their arses off in a boat in Islandbridge at 5am.

8. DU Food and drink:

Nobody should be that excited about gnocchi.

7.Trinity hall JCR:

‘LeTS mAke LOCKtailS wiTh LaWsOc aNd TCDSU’.

6. The Phil and the Hist:

This house believes that we didn’t care before so we certainly don’t care now that every event is online.

5.Trinity VDP:

They get a slight pass being a charity and all but please stop following us all on ‘Pantogram2021’, it’s never going to be able to happen, let the dream die.

4.TAF:

Painting the mannequins in the GMB and putting up spacey artsy instagram stories won’t manifest the festival into existence, because as with most things, it will be on zoom, my friends.

3. LawSoc:

I wanted to listen to Tinie Tempah whilst passed-out under the campanile on a crisp April evening. I’m not really sure anyone was excited at the prospect of watching him talk to a random Law hack for an hour.

2.An Cumann Gaelach:

A chairde, it doesn’t matter how many ‘wúúúúú’s you put on the event you share, nobody wants to play Among Us for three hours as Gaeilge.

1.DU Players:

It most definitely is ‘one’ that can in fact be missed.

Winter Edition, December 2020

What's Hot // What's Not

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Searing insider insight from the graduated Trinity Alumni who still use the library just so that they can sit somewhere warm.

"I remember the trees in Front Square so I do!"..." Oh god and when you could get a pint in the Buttery for the price of a Jambon?"... Bless their hearts they just want to be out of the cold and back to where the world once made sense! As an act of kindness the Piranha has reached out to the lost Alumni who wander the college and steal from the bins. Through shaking fists and misty eyes they told us about the REAL Trinity. Don't cry for them, they're already dead.

NOT

HOT Diana, Princess of Wales

January Lockdown

She is motherfucking back! Just like Maddy McCann there is never really a moment in time when Princess Di is not a relevant cultural icon. Repeat after me: princesses don’t just die in Parisian motorway tunnels. You cannot keep a #girlboss down! Trinity students rejoiced this Winter when The Crown once again dug up the cold, rotting corpse of an unfortunate victim of one of history’s richest and most brutal cults and used her tragic life story as a narrative arc for its capitalist entertainment juggernaut. “But wasn’t she just so glamorous” says you? “Isn’t it a bit strange that we all project such saccharine feelings of warmth and adoration onto a woman who lived her adult life as a hostage and a puppet. Her autonomy taken, her life a terrible dance, all to the beat of the flashing cameras that lit her up, beautiful and damned?” says I. Let Diana rest, pick a new target to bully and harass, find a new People’s Princess (Jane Ohlmeyer is our top bet). Diana deserves the sympathy and kind thoughts of all who watch her story and ache at what the Buckingham lizards did to her...and fuck me wasn’t the revenge dress a serve! Forever in our hearts, world went to the dogs after 1997 tbf.

We have a confession to make; we have adapted. Here at the Piranha we have accepted our new normal and we’re not too keen on going back. We’ve come to love the feeling of piss seeping through our jeans on the Powerscourt steps as we settle in for yet another Friday night spent skulling takeaway pints and avoiding the Gardaí. Is this sarcasm or have we become conditioned to accept that life is now just that bit ‘less’? The reality of weekend drinks being al fresco and highly illegal is about to come crashing down as we all collectively shrug and say “it should be grand” and return to the pubs. You’d miss the fizzy numbness off a bump in the toilet at Searsons wouldn’t you? The next few weeks will see us being allowed to scuttle back indoors, our rancid contagious lips enveloping espresso martinis til’ we sweat black. “It’s on the PUP hun XD !”

Such is our god given right you might say as you cough open mouthed and toss your mask in the Liffey. We don’t necessarily disagree but if we need to pay for these few weeks of Christmas pints by giving up even more of our precious youth “on tick” in the new year then let us spend another dark month in our bedrooms looking at Reddit and trying to guess if the fall from our window would kill us or just hurt reallll badddd. “I’ve booked 6 of us into Doyles, then we have another slot in Pyg, and Lorcan said he’d have an afters in his wahoo!”

- A tissue, A tissue, we all fall down.

A Female Provost A Female Provost: It is finally time. Not to say that it wasn’t time enough ten years ago when Paddy P got into the office simply because he could beat any man or woman in an arm wrestling competition, but we won’t dwell on that.

Trinity is finally shaving off the moustache and walking into the 21st Century.

At the Piranha we are confident that this is the final obstacle that stands in the way of Trinity becoming a modern and inclusive university. Forget about the Aramark gift shop, the near impossibility of navigating campus with a disability, or the sustained campaign of harassment and intimidation that has been employed at Trinity Hall this year. What college needs is a female leader and we couldn’t agree more, because what it certainly doesn’t need is another Provost who runs the place like your estranged Dad who shows up to your school plays 45 minutes late, and often not at all. That being said, we know that Provost Prendergast is a big fan of the Piranha (we’re just as surprised as you are). If you are reading Mr Prendergast, you are actually quite hot, like sincerely you are. Ugh sorry, shit that was so dumb.

We leave you with the wise words of Jane Ohlyemer (she is the moment) “Mediocre men are outperforming outstanding women because of the nature of the system,” *snaps fingers*. Aye, Aye, knock the house down, smash the marble busts in the Long Room and carve tits into George Salmon, cause we’re going with the gals and never looking back.

Lockdown "Dating" In the words of Rose McGowan, - imagine how tired I am. If I have to read one more tepid UT article telling me to go swimming on a first date, then I may well take a running dive into the icy waters and never return. Put my Hinge pics in the memorial collage will ye?

Go for a walk? Don't make me cut my eye out! If I wanted a cardio workout while getting to know about someone's sick mother, I'd climb into the back of a 45 year-old's car in the Phoenix Park some chilly evening. At least he'd pay for the PEP. "Cuffing Season"? Unless you're going to shackle my hands behind my back and leave me in a bath full of Dettol with a carrot in my mouth then don't even pick up the phone to call. Why should we all subscribe to the idea that the only way to survive the long Winter months is with a stranger farting in your bed who's sole purpose is to rub your belly and buy you chips, all while picking the fleas from your scalp?

I say no, I don't want anyone to buy me coffees on Sunday morning as I nurse the drunk sex headache and feel the trickle of "man" down my leg. I want all my clothes designer, I want someone else to buy em. And by that I mean that from now on I am exclusively interested in no touch, financial domination kink-subs who are quick with their Revolut. Physical touch and affection were the true casualties of 2020. Let the dead rest.

The Piranha Want to get involved?

Email us at piranhatcd@gmail.com

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Winter Edition, December 2020

Don’t Just Hope for a Better College. Pay for One.

As twilight descends on Patrick Prendergast’s tenure as provost of Trinity College one cannot help but draw parallels to an equally controversial and iron-willed leader. Recently portrayed by Gillian Anderson, Margaret Thatcher features throughout the muchanticipated fourth season of Netflix’s ‘The Crown’.

Aside from superficial similarities, notably both residing in taxpayer funded stately homes during their respective reigns, Provost Thatcher and Baroness Prendergast also share many policy ideologies.

A recently leaked University Council report detailed college proposals to sell off or demolish areas of campus to streamline Trinity’s efficiency.

Similarly, Mrs Thatcher adopted a policy of privatisation and when that failed simply decimated the unprofitable coal mining industries of Wales and Northern England.

Both are masters of distraction. Mrs Thatcher launched a jingoistic war in the Falklands and vilified the working class to distract from her destructive economic rampage. Taking lead from the Iron Lady, the Provost too fanned the flames of war by launching his Tobacco Free Trinity campaign targeting the rollie-smoking Humanities students.

Mrs Thatcher’s cutthroat neo-liberal economics irreversibly polarised the North and South of England. The Provost’s administration has also sowed the seeds of disunity, creating an ever-increasing divide in hygiene standards and quality of life between the Arts Block and Hamilton students.

Of course, it would be facetious to suggest that there are no differences between the two figures. Thatcher abhorred the notion of inaction.

Whereas Mr Prendergast has always been a champion of the classical

liberal approach of doing nothing in times of crisis. In perhaps the most defining speech of his provostship Mr Prendergast addressed a crowd consisting solely of Eoin Hand on the steps of the Dining Hall: “To those waiting with bated breath for that favourite Students’ Union catchphrase ‘reduced college fees’ - I have only one thing to say: You pay if you want to. Paddy's not for paying” The speech was met with raucous sticky applause from the ice-cream covered SU President. One suspects that Mr Prendergast’s departure from 1 Grafton Street will be met with similar enthusiasm.

"I Truly Was Lucky Every Time."

The 5 Library Seats You MUST Book Right Now (You WON’T believe #3)

Literally nothing has happened on campus, so here is The Piranha’s Top 5 Hottest Seats for a Christmas study 5. Berkeley Library, Floor 2, Seat 12 (no socket) I know what you’re thinking: ‘What? A seat without a plug on the Top 5 list? You can’t be serious, anonymous-writer-who-doesn’t-care-whatI-think?!’ But yes, dear reader, I am. This cosy alcove is tucked away in the Berkeley’s furthest reaches. A perfect getaway from the hustle and bustle of chain smoking by the Gold Ball where nobody will hear your daily mid-morning existential sobbing.

Score: 3.5 Piranhas out of 5, will cry here again.

modern design, get your tushy to this throne if you see studying as a mostly aesthetic choice. So take a break from smoking rollies and stare at a blank Word document in this luxurious location.

Score: 4.5 Piranhas out of 5, the perfect place for proud owners of rose gold MacBooks that have their own VSCO accounts.

1. Berkeley Library, Floor 1, Seat 38 Who were we kidding? There’s only one Numero Uno. Overlooking New Square, this seat has everything. You can watch your fellow 4. Berkeley Library, Floor 1, Seat 15 students on the benches below chatting, laughing and erupting in Look, you can’t play with the puppies all day and expect to run with furious rage when a seagull steals their burrito. Oh look, there are all the wolves at night. Sometimes you’ve to put your head down and your mates. That’s weird they’re all having lunch together. They must fight to the death in The Berkeley Pit. Smack a medical student with have not texted you as a prank ahaha they’re so gas. Yeah…But this their €750 textbook. Choke out a LawSoc hack with their MacBook seat is pretty sweet, right? charger. This is where the action happens.

Score: 4 Piranhas out of 5, you’ll be swimming in Firsts and drowning Score: 5 Piranhas out of 5, the smooth faux leather will soothe the in loneliness. pain 3. Lecky Lower, Seat 40 This seat has a chair and a desk and a socket and is in a library. I literally don’t know what else you expect. Can you really “NOT believe” this choice? How have you gotten to the third item on a list about desks in a library? Take a good long look at yourself.

Score: 4 Piranhas out of 5, are you going to put that in your little spreadsheet, you fucking loser?

2. Ussher Library, Floor 2, Seat 27 Ok, somebody get the Oppenheim Group on the phone, because we just found some prime real estate. With vistas of the Pav and a sleek

Christmas Exam Season Library Crowds 2020.

Winter Edition, December 2020

PAUSE FOR THOUGHT

7

Biodiversity Win! New Student Breakout Spaces Infested with Spiders

In an effort to support natural wildlife on campus, Trinity Estates and Facilities have decided to use the new marquees at New Square as a breeding ground for spiders, ants and other insects. But especially spiders.

The student breakout spaces, erected to provide a suitable location for students to congregate in 2020, will now play a role in helping Trinity reach its sustainability goals.

Several large and aggressive varieties of eggs and nests have been set up in the marquee, in the hopes that a micro-biome will develop.

The move has been wholeheartedly disastrous and a genuine catastrophic missfire. However it has been met with a mixed reaction by the students who are being paid to supervise the spaces. "It's really, really surreal and terrifying but I will tell you one thing, I cannot make myself look away, they (the spiders) are just so fucking huge" said Dermot in SS Law. Orlaith in Medicinal Chemistry was more pragmatic about the situation, "They've turned off the heaters so the spiders can grow faster, but at least they fixed the microwaves." Andrew, also from Dublin, told us "I watched some ants carry half a crisp across the tent. It was the only thing that happened here all morning. Then a ravenous huntsman spider the size of red setter ripped a girls jaw off but that's just any

Wednesday by now, my god though was she louddddd about it jesussss."

In an email to students, Estates and Facilities explained that the development is part of a wider effort to make campus more environmentally friendly. With several areas seeing less footfall than in previous years, more biodiversity options are being explored, such as the conversion of the Synge Theatre into a growhouse, and the reintroduction of wolves to the Cricket Pitch. The email did acknowlege the unprecedented level of natural threat that the spiders had brought to the campus with their introduction but the tone, thankfully, was optimistic.

Trinity Young Greens could not be reached for statement, on account of having no members. Speaking to the Piranha, a former committee member remarked "this is Eamon Ryan’s fault, somehow."

‘Philly Holmes' not actually a person, but a Philadelphia-based real estate company

Startling news coming out of the Student Union today. Eoin 'Handyman' Hand opened the meeting with the following statement, 'lads, we really fucked it this time'. Hand then went on to explain the massive oversight on behalf of the Union.

‘Last Year, we were approached by Philly Homes, a Philadelphia real estate company to discuss possible sponsorship links and internship opportunities. Somewhere along the way, our communication efforts broke down, and due to some clerical error, our file with this company was accidentally filed under possible Communications and Marketing Officer candidates, and not business affiliations’.

Hand elaborated further that 'at this point, we, as the union, are not actually sure of the timeline of events. But apparently, over time, the company - Philly Homes -

gradually felt that it was 'in too deep' and ‘awkward’ and slowly began to assume human form just to fit in. He..

I mean, it ... or *pause*, (whispers 'what do we call him' to the Equality officer) ... they…. just assimilated like the rest of us and eventually, we must have accepted who we have come to know as Philly Holmes, not as the human embodiment of a corporate entity but as a person.

And I am proud to say that I now consider this multi-million dollar American real estate development company specializing in the building of 4 bedroom family homes a close personal friend.

It has been reported that the Philadelphia real estate company will complete its tenure as Communications and Marketing officer and it assured everyone that it will be more transparent and better at communication in future.

Lockdown Is What You Make It Larry and Barry are two final year students here in TCD. Larry is studying Radiation Therapy, and Barry is pursuing a joint honours in business and management. They kissed once in T.Y and don't speak of it, this is their lockdown journey.

It was a challenging time for both, and adjusting at first was difficult.

Larry faced terrible financial difficulties, “Yeah so in radiation therapy we really aren’t paid to deal with the hassle of travelling for placement every day. Like literally, we’re not given any money or expenses whatsoever. I usually just tackle people who are walking to their cars from Tesco and take their keys so that I can make the commute. I am often late, oh so very late." Larry was in no mood to stop there, "Nurses get 9 euros an hour, we are given nothing, F!*KING gillets jeunes so they are”, said an irate Larry. It was touching to hear however that he had been made an essential worker during the pandemic so that he could still travel to Galway for placement, "I don't get off the train when it gets back to Heuston. I just hide and eat the chewing gum from under the tables, help me."

Barry had some difficulties too. He had to abandon the Ussher and work from the library at home. “The room had been painted a beautiful ‘Dimpse’ just before lockdown, but

it really didn’t suit my skin tone for zoom calls. Getting in a painter was very difficult, but eventually we found a wonderful person to do the room in ‘Cromarty’, and the cabinets were finished off in ‘Middleton Pink’.

I was shocked to find that there was no government subsidies available for people during lockdown to help them repaint Everyone should repaint, I smell the metallic whack off a fresh can and I am hard and dizzy in a blink.”

Their mutual hardships did not stop there as Covid then halted all summer plans. Larry had planned to pick up extra shifts in Tesco but had to leave as he was also working in a nursing home as a carer and to quote HSE guidlines "That is a just looking for sympathy, ask your mum for money you pussy." He was identified as a close contact twice, meaning he was out of work for four weeks, Get - Your - Act Together - Larry. Barry’s trip to the United States was nearly cancelled, but thankfully, a kind friend saved the day. “Saoirse's Uncle died on Facetime to his loved ones in a Covid ward. But he has a sick place in Cape Cod, so we all went over to drink his booze and scatter his ashes. We didn't scatter his ashes though because we drank alot of his booze. Touching moments find you I think, as opposed to you manifesting them."

Keep on inspiring generations you two!

Winter Edition, December 2020

MAKE THE YULETIDE G*Y Society Christmas Events Programme A PLAYER’S NATIVITY: Unto you our amateur theatre is forced!

THE HIST DEBATE: This House Regrets the Commercialisation of a Pagan Holiday that would have included orgies if you’d have just been cool with it…

THE PHIL X TAF (COMEDY)DEBATE: This House Believes in Santa and doing ket with your granny on Christmas Day.

SURF SOC SEA SWIM: Pretty self-explanatory, deecers. See you at Seapoint. (no uggos) :/ DUPA EXHIBITION ‘TRANSCENDENCE’: Come one, come all and flex your gap yahhh or straight up blurry pics.

(NOT festive because we’re ALTERNATIVE) VDP TBC: Event not yet decided but will be WHOLESOME and EXCLUSIVE :3

And the grand finale, world exclusive performance of The Trinity Music Scene’s charity single, “Feed the Povs (Do they know who I fucking am)” Thanks for Reading! Please Survive The Winter!

- James & Shane x

WARDROBE MALFUNCTION DISTRACTS FROM MYSTERY OF MISSING CSC MONEY! A SEASONAL MESSAGE FROM THE HONORARY PATRON OF THE UNIVERSITY PHILSOPHICAL SOCIETY 335TH SESSION

Mindfulness Colouring