The Piranha- VOL. 44 Issue II- Christmas 2022

How hot are you? Based purely on what library you study in:

Lecky Lower: Honestly, you peaked in secondary school and still look like a prepuBESSent 14 year old. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll get to touch a boobie eventually!

Lecky Upper: You THINK you’re hotter than the lecky lower people, but really you just had IMGfave when you were 16 and dress ever so slightly better.

The library that must not be named: Gurl the place doesn’t even have a name anymore. You sweat a way like a lil piglet in the pit just to feel something that might resemble parental approval. You don’t look like Blair Waldorf, you just look like a small childs dress up box threw up on you and you stole your mummies blazer.

Ussher 3: Ride, ride , ride

Ussher 2:

Full of rides in week 12 only when ussher 3 overflows.

Ussher 4: You’re gonna die a virgin, hope you’ve picked out what cat you want.

Ussher Basement: More like the sex chamber, amirite fellas?

The Hamilton: This author has never set foot in this establishment and doesn’t plan on doing so anytime soon, hear you guys have fun though.

John Sterne: Lol guys we don’t write about fake libraries

Shooting range installed under Printing House Square to make American students feel at home

A new campus wide survey has shown that 1 in 3 students here in Trinity College suffer from a severe and debilitating illness which is known in the medical community as being ‘American’. Thanks to Sally Rooney and The Show That Shall Not Be Named, the English department is now infested with these funny sounding creatures who, instead of enrolling in an elitist and exorbitantly expensive university back home, decided to attend one here in Ireland.

As quite literally the only demographic who could afford the new student accommodation in Printing House Square, Trinity College decided to take a break from not replying to emails and have enacted several preferential measures to ensure that these American students felt sufficiently acclimatised. One such measure was the construction of a shooting range under the student apartments so little Chad and Mary-Sou could sleep easy with the comforting sound of gunshots ringing from outside their window. Ah, just like home. Another aspect of this assimilation scheme has been the construction of a state-of-the-art medical centre at Printing House Square which will reportedly charge students $10,000 for basic medical treatment.

This reporter sat down for an interview with the (contestably) elected head of Printing House Square Boe Jiden, an 80 year old mature student studying politics and something else, he can’t remember. The interview was brief as Mr Jiden fell asleep after three minutes, only to wake up startled and confused as to where he was.

Printing House Square is expected to issue J1 visas to Irish students wishing to travel and work there this summer.

2090

Unsuccessful SU candidates still tweets about being targeted by The Piranha 1254 1894 2002 2044 3099 2022 Drama Grads still search for employment Construction completed on the rubrics People start queuing for Swing Ball tickets YMCA Terenure branch rebrands as 'The Trinitones' People stop giving a shag about Trinder

“Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt

”

‘I could write a really hard hitting piece from the point of view of the LandLord!’'

-Cian, 23, Foxrock, quickly retracted this offer to the Piranha when he found out we were a satirical magazine

'‘I think his semen is literally making me go crazy’'

Jennifer, final year law pol, unaware that its the gaslighting and not the semen

''Stop giving me the fear seriously it was literally the most mildly racist comment’'

Oisín, 22, Killiney, wrecked with Sunday Scaries after some questionable comments in the pub

Notes From The Throne The Piranha

Dear existential reader, Welcome to the candy cane shitting, tinsel snorting, fairy light shagging Christmas edition of the Piranha! We are happy to report that we have made it out unscathed following the great Trinity Publications X University Times staff mass evacuation of Michaelmas 2022, I guess some people are too hot to fire. Our Christmas wish, however, is to see the inside of the Irish Press Council offices before our editorial reign is over, so enough of the incessant threats of reporting us, it gets us hot under collar, just cancel us already!

In this semester we’ve had some highs and some lows but funnily enough neither refers to our position on the Trinity 20 list because oh yeah we weren’t on it, thanks UT, duly noted. In this edition of the Piranha we decided to have more sex jokes than ever because we’re cool, we’re hip, we’re sexy, we’re 69 times funnier than the next publication (Thiscommentisbynowaydeliberately pokingfunatanyotherTrinityPublicationandany‘special’edition theymayhavepublished,althoughit’shilarious).

As we close the year we wish you all the best of luck with your racist uncles, homophobic aunts, tight parents and grim christmas dinners that do nothing but highlight the never faltering marching of time that will deliver us eventually to the sweet release of graduation. Your JCR may love you, but your Piranha editors think you’re a ride , Merry Cokesmas, Claire and Matthew x

Editors: Share Dennon Flattew Creely Contributers:

The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, perhaps try learning that jokes aren’t necessarily things people believe but are instead, jokes. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House.

All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous fresh-water fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman.

The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution.

Was your attempt to find student accommodation a complete failure? Everything out of your price range? Desperately emailing, posting and contacting potential landlords for months on end before you got scammed out of your deposit? Still on your granny’s mates’ neighbours couch for accommodation? Well, despite what climate change may want you to think, the days are getting colder, and Grainne isn’t going to want you using up all her heating with your fucking annoying human need for warmth. But have no fear! We’ve put together some of the best accommodation options right here on campus, perfect for the lazy cheap cunts like you who clearly weren’t looking hard enough!

-The air pocket on the Ussher stairs – 850/mo plus 250 deposit

-Cornelius Magrath’s former glass prison – 900/mo

-The warm, loving embrace of a Perch Barista – priceless! (1250/mo)

-The only left-handed desk in the arts block – 750/mo (unfurnished)

-Shooting range under the printing house – 550/mo (during shooting though)

-One of the holes in the library where you have to awkwardly wedge your charger in without unplugging anyone else’s €800/mo (MON TO FRI NIGHTS ONLY, RENTED

OUT ON WEEKENDS)

-Vacant construction site next to Arts Block - €875/mo

-Under that fucking massive Christmas tree in front square - €700/mo (One month only, must pay for the lights)

-The Trinity Health Centre - €3500/mo (potentially non-existent)

If all else fails, maybe Grainne will let you stay for the remainder of the year. She's a good craic after all, your granny’s mate surely lives next to her for a reason.

Goldsmith residents ‘lose right to bodily autonomy’ due to potent scent

In an email addressed to residents of Goldsmithsent earlier this week, the accommodation office stated that ‘mandatory full body showering will now be implemented before residents of Goldsmith are permitted to step foot on campus.’

The email continued, ‘this new policy follows a series of serious allegations made regarding the strong scent radiated by residents. In order to facilitate mass washing, the glass tunnel above Pearse street will be fitted with a hose system.’ Students will be asked to cover intimate areas whilst being showered, ‘to prevent the discomfort of street pedestrians below’.

Discussing the situation with the Piranha, an anonymous student who signed the ‘Decontaminate Goldsmith’ petition stated, ‘I can’t concentrate anymore. The stench that wafts from them is atrocious. I have heard that some of them haven’t showered since College began.’ Over 3000 students have signed the ‘Decontaminate Goldsmith’ petition; tripling the engagement of the 2022 SU elections.

A Goldsmith resident registered their ‘rage’ at the situation. ‘I feel like I have lost my bodily autonomy. Yes, my shower does not work, which means that I smell. But that is not my fault. Every time I call the accommodation office to get it fixed they hang up. I just don’t feel comfortable showering in a glass tunnel above one of Dublin’s busiest streets.’

Construction to fit the new hose system will begin at the end of this week.

Societies we’d least like to see on the Naked Calendar

An Cumann Gaelach: Too ginger for our liking

Rowing Club: Too buttery

Circus Soc: I don’t even know how they fit all those juggling pins in there

DU Players: Watching their plays is charity enough

DUDJ: If I wanted to see a group of sweaty naked men with mullets and moustache's, I’d just watch gay porn from the 70s

Christian Union: Unless Andrew Scott comes back as the sexy priest from Fleabag, absolutely not

Comedy Soc: Ask yourself, would they really be doing stand-up if they weren’t compensating for something?

Phil + Hist: Do I even need to explain this one?

AgSoc: Too muddy, too hairy, too...not Dublin

TradSoc: See above

FashionSoc: Please, for the love of God, keep your clothes on. I thought that was the whole point

Trinity FM: Stick to the airwaves lads, this whole visual media thing isn’t for you.

An artist's impression of what the 2023 calender might look like:

Trinity based DAFT listings you may have missed!

Holiday season with the Headwrecks - what

BNOCs will be watching this Christmas

It is well established that Trinity alumni give the best commentary on Christmas movies (see Leo Varadkar’s ‘Tiny Tim should get a job’, Irish Times, 2007) so we thought we’d interview some BNOCs to get the scoop on what they’ll be watching this festive season.

Gabi Fullam: I love Love Actually, purely for the example of excellent leadership that Hugh Grant provides as Prime Minister. As a leader myself, I strive to emulate his achievements in the movie, for example hooking up with a more junior member of my team (I will always luv u Max x, hair or no hair), using my power and resources as president to stalk the object of my desire, and doing inappropriate dance routines in House 6.

Linda Doyle: Miracle on 34th street is my favourite Christmas movie because I know what it’s like to not have people believe you are who you say you are. Just like no one in the movie believes he’s really Santa Claus, a lot of people don’t believe that I’m actually Linda Doyle the Provost and not Patrick Prendergast after undergoing extensive reconstructive surgery and psychological conditioning. I mean, can you imagine!! Who would go to those lengths in order to remain in the most coveted address in Dublin for another decade, after spending €200,000 on renovations…having sexually inappropriate pieces written about you by the colleges satire newspaper… parading my cobblestoned kingdom where everyone knows my name…… (visibly tearing up, and lighting a cigarette). Paddy P? I haven’t heard that name in years.

Julie Smirnova: You’ll have to read next week’s email to find out. Please read the email. PLEASE.

Trinity Front Gate security: *visibly foaming at the mouth* MOVIES? AT CHRISTMAS TIME? I’ll report you to the Junior Dean for that kind of behaviour!! I won’t be watching movies at Christmas, I’ll be patrolling campus to keep people like you from having more than 4 people in your kitchen.

“Normal Pheople to start production in early December”

Following the announcement of Paul Mescal's engagement to Phoebe Bridgers, the question on the mind of many fans is who will be directing the wedding video. In a tweet from Mescal’s private account, he announced earlier this week that Normal People director Lenny Abrahamson will be taking over this project. Following the success and popularity of Normal people, Abrahamson will be taking a similar approach in his direction of Normal Pheople, the Mescal wedding video. When we contacted Abrahamson about his vision for the wedding video, he was quite eager to share his plan and vision. “I want the video to take on a similar style to normal people,” Abrahamson commented. He plans for Bridgers walk down the aisle to be a 15-minute-long continuous shot, filmed in complete silence. Once she reaches the altar, Abrahamson will switch between Mescal and Phoebe as they stare awkwardly at each other for 5 minutes before Paul is scripted to say “You look really well,” while avoiding eye contact. To create an authentic awkward atmosphere the ceremony officiant is to be one of the priests who is no longer allowed near schools. The camera is then to catch snippets of the ceremony from jaunty angles, providing craved camera angles such as shots from the perspective of the eucharist, the altar boy who rings the bell, and the leftmost pipe of the organ. Within the script there is to be miscommunication during the vows and ‘I do,’ part of the ceremony, where both Mescal and Bridgers are to portray their inner emotions through their eyebrows and agitated sighs. The final clip of the production is to be Mescal leaning in to kiss Bridgers at the end of the Ceremony, with a soft and relatable shy smile. Abrahamson states “I want to create the tension that will leave the audience screaming ‘oh just fucking ride already.’” The video will end just before the kiss, stripping the audience of any sense of closure. The Production is to take place on the Trinity Campus, meaning that students would not be able to access the campus for the entire month of December. Abrahamson is hopeful that the wedding video may be stretched out into a mini-series. His plans for this would include many objections from one dimensional characters who are never mentioned again after their moment on screen. To fund this production the BBC held up canvas bags with dollar signs on them for both Mescal and Abrahamson.

At the Piranha we know that many of you will be RDS virgins (and virgins in general) due to COVID, so we wanted to put together a no-holds-barred guide to surviving this exam season. You’re welcome.

GET THERE ON TIME: RDS stands for Really Dublin South and it is smack bang in the middle of the D4tress. That means you have to allow time for traffic from all the Range Rovers, yummy mummy’s pushing prams and chai lattes, and small dogs that cost more than your house (if you even own one, lol). On top of this, once you locate the RDS, you have to find your exam centre. This is considered a natural selection process in phasing out the people that would fail the exam anyway, so the only direction signposts available aren’t worth the recycled cardboard they’re printed on. Be vigilant!!!!

PROTECT YOUR VALUABLES: In a brainwave that remains unmatched since the decision to charge 50c for alternative milk in The Perch, Academic Registry have implemented a policy of forcing you to leave all of your belongings in a giant cloakroom - think the nightmarish-ness of Nolita’s cloakroom times 50. That means queueing, depositing your belongings and taking a ticket that you will inevitably lose. Our advice: beg/ borrow/steal a car from one of your friends or a random passerby (not a Range Rover mummy - they will know or be married to a judge) so that you can park up and leave your belongings there.

FIND YOUR SEAT: Were you one of those kids with a nice, normal name that was always available on keyrings and mugs? Well, guess what, the head honcho in Academic Registry wasn’t and wants to make your life hell as a result. Good luck in squinting at the list of 3000 names stuck to the wall in size 6 font to find your seat number, jostling with the rest of the Rachel Murphys to figure out which one is you.

AVOID HYPOTHERMIA: ‘No jackets, hats, coats or scarves in the exam hall… no jackets, hats, coats or scarves in the exam hall…’ The easiest way of telling if someone is an RDS virgin is to repeat this phrase to them and see if it invokes a fight or flight response. An unnamed man with the worst head cold of all time will repeat this over and over again on the microphone, and by-god will they enforce it. Despite all exam invigilators wearing ski-grade insulation, they will insist that there is no need for coats in the exam hall and will make you sit the exam in whatever you have on underneath your coat, so dress at your own risk.

Amber Thieves: The social implications of the removal of beanie wearing, rollie smoking men from the arts block

Such as cats wandering the cobbled roads of Athens and wild dogs running through the streets of Morocco, rollie smoking arts students have graced the arts block benches since the dawn of time. In a recent email, Trinity Health once again reiterated the fact that the campus of the holy and undivided Trinity of Queen Elizabeth the first (near Dublin) is in fact a ‘Tobacco free campus’, many have taken great offence to this email going as far as to say it is an act of homophobia and a conscious effort to defund the arts.

The email stated that students should ‘take ur smelly docs and charity shop* (see urban outfitters) leather jackets and get the fuck off our campus’.

There have been reports of an angry, torch wielding mob gathering outside the DUPlayers theatre as an act of defiance against the ‘Tobacco Free (but joints are chill)’ campaign, as the community feel particularly targeted at this time.

The Piraha has sent a journalist to the frontline of the conflict between the arts department and the staff at healthy Trinity, further reports to come.

After that you’re on your own, kid!!!! Best of luck, just follow our tips and you’ll smash it. And as for the exams, well if they don’t go your way there will always be a space for you here at The Piranha where we don’t value academic integrity (or integrity of any kind).

The dystopian future that may be facing us:

‘First they take my deck chairs, then they take my lecky entrance and now they’ve taken my amber leaf'

THE MODERATELY SIZED FUCK OFF CHRISMAS QUIZ

Which of these was an actual debate held by the Phil (or the Hist, I can’t remember which one): a)‘This House Regrets the Romanticisation of the Shag’ b)‘This House Believes DeValera Did Nothing Wrong’ c)‘This House Agrees that Jacob Rees-Mogg is a Ride’ d)‘This House Would Give Up Their Inheritance (For a Chance to Feel the e)Loving Embrace of a Woman, Even Just Once)’ ‘f)This House/Manor/Estate Has Been in My Family for Generations’

Which of these is a real play put on by DU Players this year? a)Jack Brocklebank: The Man, The Myth, The Musical’ b)‘Come Live With Me Angel’ c)‘Come See My Show...Please, I’m Begging You, Please’ d)‘Charli XCX and Bisexual Sex: A show by Saul Sherrard’ e)‘Dónde está la biblioteca...y España también?’

How much will 9 months of accommodation in Printing House Square cost you? a)Your entire family’s net worth b)Your internal organs c)Your dignity d)Your pride e)Your first-born son

How many writers are there left in University Times? a)Three and a half b)University what? c)Just the editor, no one else d)I don’t know, but they’re probably funnier than the Piranha writers

Have we pissed you off? Are you shit craic? Fill out the form below and return to 'The Piranha, House 6, Trinity College Campus' and we will absolutely not get back to you!