The Piranha Vol. 41 Issue 03 - The Election Special

The Election Special

Political

Economic

General

February 2020

Hist 250: Your Guide to the Largest Orgy the World has Ever Seen.

The Best Succulents to buy for when TCD Counselling services are overbooked.

Quiz-Zone! Do your Group Members Consider You Literate?

003

- page 2

- page 3

- page 2025

INSIGHT: The Piranha Investigates: How Philly Holmes' chatbot started spewing out alt-right propaganda.

The Piranha Guide to Pretending You Care About the Elections.

THE PIRANHA ENDORSES CORMAC WATSON FOR WELFARE

The Election Special, February 2020

IN FOCUS

Welfare Candidate Leah Keogh Slams “Welfare Cheats”

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When approached by the Piranha for an interview, Keogh instantly launched into a monologue.

“Welfare cheats us all,” she said.

“Fine Gael spent only €200,000 ousting the povs with their antiwelfare cheat scheme, but I want to take things a step further. I say get the packed lunches out of Trinity. I say raise the rent, and put the money into tracking down those people who can’t get up early enough in the morning to do some decent work. Maybe I’ll buy them all alarms.”

for all the builders we’ll have to get in and then there’ll just be more homeless.

Keogh continues “I can’t believe no one else is going for this job.

It’s a free third gaff on campus and some cocktail money as a treat. It’s a good step-up to the main party. I think I’m gonna go for election in Dún Laoghaire soon and show those Shinners who’s boss. Who do they think they are taking my money to build houses?

Sure there won’t be enough gaffs

After being informed by the Piranha that “welfare” referred to student wellbeing and not the social welfare aid programme, Keogh quickly changed her tune.

“Fuck this”, she said. What’s the point in the job then? I just exercise when I’m sad and try not to worry too much. See you back in Young Fine Gael.”

Hand then jumped off the stage and attempted to run through the empty Uí Chaighdeán theatre shouting “You get a HandJob! And YOU get a HandJob! Everyone gets a HandJob!”, which was met with a decidedly anticlimactic mutter of approval from his campaign twinks I mean team. The candidate promised,

Lights up on front of house, two ambiguously gendered people in sheer clothing on a monday morning sit in terse silence.

Person: what do you think we should do?

Individual: forsooth I dost protest such conjecture. Wherefore could we choose between our brethren?

Enter Token wearing hoodie and jeans Person and Individual (in unison): What news from the outside world Token Straightman?

Token: Roight so rumour has it that Philly has the edge because he can DJ as well as taking pictures… but look we’ll know more soon when Pretty arrives. She knows Hiram from Film Review.

HandJobs announcement flops all over the place It was all hands on d*ck last night as Student Union presidential candidate Eoin Hand announced his plan to get a tight grip on student unemployment amid a climate of increasing financial pressure on those in further education. The initiative, given the working title “HandJobs”, aims to provide every student in Trinity with what Hand feels are the essential skills necessary to survive in the world after college. “By 2021 I want every student in Trinity to be able to dance like no one’s watching, sing like no one is listening and love… like they’ve never been hurt”.

The players community divided: Hiram or Philly?

when elected, to “get my hands dirty baby” [sick] and to bring his “unconventional, extremely hands-on approach” to students.

The event quickly got out of Hand as a question came from the Burkean Journal’s crime correspondent, Incelius Augustinus Maximus III, about Hand’s alleged former involvement in a known paramilitary group on campus. For security reasons, the organisation cannot be named but we can report that they operate under a 3-letter abbreviation and that they have claimed responsibility for numerous acts of violent terrorism inflicted on students as recently as this week. In a statement, Hand’s head of public relations, Bottom McDaddyissues, said “Eoin is not currently, nor has he ever been, a member of TMT.”

Enter Pretty carrying with her a Kanken and the sense of superiority she holds knowing that her boyfriend, Token, is un-woke, only pretending and definitely afraid of her.

Token: Hey babe, what’s up?

Pretty: well, Hiram can take photos AND they like glitter AND plays AND films.

Person: Brilliant, Pretty Andnotmuchelse, this information will surely help us decide who we fake-like the most.

Token: … I thought it was who we hated least?

Individual: Methinks thou be’st homophobic, Token.

Token looks dejected, Pretty levitates for a second with woke superiority. The Gays enter in chorus formation singing ‘we’re all gay here’, others join in. all shift vigorously as song ends.

Person: oh i do love a song and a shift but really we must get back to business.

Token: Philly can work electrical equipment, lights and eh… like… music.

Enter pretty’s friend, Beautiful.

Beautiful: and they really have a way with words, that play was utter genius.

Pretty: Shut up Beautiful Yetboring! Philly can do words too, he’s like a thesaurus ‘accessible and digitally visible’- they’re great synonyms!

Beautiful: Well Hiram can fit their whole manifesto on a single A5 leaflet.

Being: Token makes a point. It is the unanswerable question: How can we choose who we must continue pretending to like when there is only one person to choose from?

Lights fade on a bacchanalian scene motivated by the group’s disenchantment with the uniformity of their individuality.

The Election Special, February 2020 3

This Day in Histor y

Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt

1962

Ryan Carey's parents coin the phrase "union accessibility".

2019

'We all love a nice Handy' campaign slogan rejected by the SU.

2020

Law Soc committee member questions whether blackface is still offensive if you're impersonating a particular person.

“Next stop... Irexit!”

- SU Pres candidate Harry Williams.

“78% of student suicide rates world wide are men. What can we do to get it to 79%?”

2027

Library offers Amnesty to former IRA operatives.

"Am I informed on politics? I mean I’ve watched like every episode of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver on Youtube" - Tate Donnelly.

“Would you like to hear about some of my welfare policies?"

- Cormac ''it's ok not to be ok' Watson.

- Welfare candidate Keogh, when asked about student mental health.

“Fuck, does this mean we actually have to do something?”

2097

Former SU Pres candidate Harry Williams makes deathbed admission that campaign slogan did, in fact, make no sense.

- Mary Lou McDonald.

"I vont to suck your blodddd" - Noted non-vampire Hiram Harrington

NOTES FROM THE THRONE If election season has left you underwhelmed and unfulfilled, dear reader, know that you are not alone. We here at the Piranha had a taste of what must be the ordinary man’s struggle of getting stood up: the Ents candidate was all talk of a joke campaign in the form of a collaboration between the Piranha and Trinity Truths before leaving us hanging and actually just going ahead and running himself (once he saw the race was uncontested).

“Did you know I was in a musical production of Cats??”

- Philly Holmes to the Piranha writers for the 6th time.

highlighted everything written in the google doc and said “this is boring”.

Because the Piranha doesn’t count as “media” we don’t get to go to the hustings, but I challenge sole UT editor candidate Susie Crawford to tell us how she will do better. How we only wish that she had some competition to ensure that there was at least a bit of a contest, as opposed to her only having to beat RON.

One thing we hear a lot is how brave the candidates were to run. An Editor But the Piranha’s loss is the student who shall remain nameless once body’s gain! Roll on Sober October also thought this, and then stood for and other events, none of which election. include the Ents train. What’s up with that? I think we can all agree As it turns out, loss is a bitter pill Ents was more fun before it had to to swallow. They tell you to hate the be “inclusive” and “fun for everyone, player, not the game, but those who not just those with mild to moderate say that have never been taken in by substance abuse issues”. the game. The game makes you feel special, tells you you can do it. Then Seeing as this is the perfect public the game leaves you cold by only a forum for airing any and all personal few votes and lets some guy rip off vendettas, it is time to reveal one of your twibbon. It’s fine. We’re all fine. our own. It's the classic story of a Why do you ask? “starry-eyed” first year who came to UT with big dreams and a lot of fear, Maeve and Jack only to have those dreams crushed and that fear turned to abject hatred when the Editor at the time

Editors:

The Piranha

Maeve Claffey Jack Counihan

Senior writers: Shane Kenneally James Johnston Ellen Higgins Niall Prior James Watson

Contributors: James Cronin Hugh O'Leary Celine Delahoy Jonathon Boylan

The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, perhaps try learning that jokes aren't necessarily things people believe but are instead, jokes. Serious complaints about

the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

The Election Special, February 2020

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Ents candidate Hugh McInerney tearfully promises he’s good craic Hustings for this year’s Student’s Unions elections took a turn for the worst when the sole Ents candidate, Hugh McInerney, had to be removed from the steps of the dining hall in a pool of his own tears following accusations that he wasn’t as fun as he was making himself out to be.

McInerney responded angrily to the accusations. “What the fuck do you mean I’m not good craic. Look at me now.

I’m so much fun. I wear a fake moustache on Facebook and went to Berlin once. What have you ever done? I’m the funnest person you’ll ever meet. This one time, I ran for ents as a pisstake and then had to do it

because nobody ran against me. Isn’t that gas? Fuck I’m so scared…..shit I mean….I’m so fun. It’ll be fine. It’ll all be ok.”

At this point the microphone was swiftly removed from McInerney’s reach and he was escorted away from the steps.

Following the incident, a member of McInerney’s campaign team, “whacky Dave” had this to say. “To be honest, this hasn’t

surprised me. Hugh takes this whole being “fun” thing very seriously. “I am Hugh and I am fun” is something you’ll hear him whispering to himself a lot lately. It’s getting pretty worrying.” Asked what

Susie Crawford Proposes UT Redesign

triggered the event, Dave had his suspicions. “I think the English lad wearing the bucket hat threw him. I mean, how do you compete with that?

A bucket hat like. Shit. It’s brave, it’s out there, but most of all, it’s fun. I mean fuck, I’d have a pint with that guy. He must have so many stories.

He’s just, not like the other candidates, you know? I think Hugh realised that, and shit, that must be what triggered him.”

Indeed, whacky Dave’s deductions may well be correct, as the Piranha can exclusively reveal that McInerney is set to face possible exclusion from the race amidst allegations he laundered SU money to purchase 1,000 cowboy hats in an attempt to “show the other guy who’s boss.” SU President candidate and all around Wigwam frequenting mad bastard Harry Williams has refused to comment on the matter, as he frantically searches for more ingenious ways to stand out in the crowd.

Opinion

The Kids Are Alt-Right! : Meet The Edge Lord Freshers Disrupting The SU Status Quo

It’s 11am on a gloomy Tuesday. I sit on the Arts Block benches with 5 SU candidates and their sycophants chewing my ear off about their “zero-carbon diverse-clusivity” policies. I hear a seagull squawk. Another squawk rings out from my left. A third from my right. Quickly a chorus builds as I see students clad in white feather boas and orange paper beaks emerge from every corner and crevasse around me.

They surround a huge white gull, who stands inspecting them silently like a distinguished general. The crowd falls silent. The gull raises his beak to the grey sky and squawks a squawk which seems to come from the Gods themselves. The crowd cheers. Some weep. I have just witnessed the first NuremBird Rally.

society: the National-Seagullists a.k.a. the NatSeas.

Since the start of campaigning for this year’s SU elections, many students have been perplexed by the sight of animated first years cawing at candidates, biting and ripping their manifestos in cardboard beaks and spitting the pulp between each other’s mouths. This “mastication demonstration” is a protest

by Trinity’s newest and most controversial

This bird-geoning party, although at the fringe of University politics, has found a webbedfoothold amongst the TikTok edgelords of the College’s younger years. Therefore this tide of aquatic avian autocrats is unlikely to stop soon. It is possible that 2020 is the year of Hand, but I fear that 2021 will be the year of the Wing.

This group of far right freshers have bowed down to our avian overlords, the Arts Block seagulls, whom they call the “HerringVolk”, due to their physical and intellectual superiority. The party’s spokesman and SU Communications Officer candidate, Joseph GöGulls told The Piranha that when he “saw [party mascot/leader] the FuhrBird (pictured below) steal burritos from both a naïve fresher and final year rollie-smoker in a singular swoop”, he realised that this cartel of hollowboned hardmen would lead the College into a new age.

The Election Special, February 2020

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What's Hot // What's Not Piping hot takes from the stone busts in the Long Library The Library is full of secrets. News spreads through its narrow corridors, carried by the faintest of whispers, delivered by faceless, genderless beings with subversive motives. Amid the secrecy lie the stone busts of the library, immortalising famous college figures who now have nothing better to do than to comment on college's latest and lamest.

HOT UT editor candidate Susie Crawford:

She's cool. She has a blog. Her campaign manifesto is as Gaeilge so we haven't a notion what it says. But we're sure it's GREAT because Susie seems like your typical gal pal. She'll give you tips on how to get all the boys and lend you a shoulder to cry on when those tips don't work. She edits Radius (no idea either) so I guess that's really cool.

As the sole candidate for University Times editor, we're understandably skeptical - it’s a big responsibility for someone who hasn’t been part of the machine, but maybe that’s why we like her. It’s not often you hear of an anti-establishment, outsider candidate for Editor but she’s here, she’s a woman, and it’s a hate crime if you don’t get used to it!

Pity she's a unionist (see susieandthecity.CO.UK) but even that isn't enough to turn us off! A few counties seem a small price to pay for a paper that covers the real issues, such as nightly coverage of love island, how to get boys to like you and whether sex is cancelled. We expect Susie to conquer the polls, winning both the female vote and the vote of men who think she’s hot but wonder if she could tone it down.

Welfare candidate and active listener, Cormac Watson:

Wow - we really have to admire the welfare hopeful’s commitment to ensuring he holds power to account! Too often, welfare candidates get caught up in the trite, oft repeated phrases, like being an “good listener”, having “great people skills” and “lots of empathy”. There’s none of this bullshit with Cormac - he gets straight down to brass tacks. One thing we really find interesting is how much he draws on his UT experience. It’s clear that he really developed a conscience while working at the paper and wants to use his experience to benefit the wider student community.

Cormac is something you don’t see everyday - a welfare candidate going above and beyond the call of duty for the good of the student body and the planet, with his innovations for an environmentally friendly UT. We commend Cormac for his farsighted approach to the role he hopes to win.

Conspicuously absent from his manifesto are any concrete policies or suggestions for reform of the welfare position, but a guy this experienced doesn’t have time to waste on the wishy-washy welfare favourites. When we asked Cormac what he hoped to achieve in the role, he said ensuring that the paper followed best practices was number 1 on his list. This is clearly a candidate who is committed to widening the scope of the role and ensuring that any student in need of a big hug gets one stat.

NOT Candidates trying too hard:

It’s about time these candidates got a good grip of themselves. Sorry boys, finding one thing that makes you even slightly different and making it your entire personality ain’t going to fly with us. Harry, baby. We know you’re trying to seem different with the bucket hat #hatsnothacks. But honestly, you’re the biggest hack of them all - a try-hard. Philly Holmes, a m*n of the glasses persuasion: sorry Philly, but from one glasses wearer to another - you’re not special. Maybe next time maybe try not buying your personality at Ace&Tate.

But the worst case of good-craic-ism that we’ve seen in this campaign is from our dear friend Hugh McInerney. For those of you that don’t know, Hugh McInerney nearly ran a fake campaign for SU President under his slightly-funnier Trinity Truths persona. Unfortunately, he bottled it when it counted most, depriving us of the best craic we could have had this election season. Oh Hugh, sweet, innocent, Hugh, this is the worst case of shit craic we have ever seen at the Piranha. You had so much potential, so much promise (apart from that time you got rejected for a writer position at the Piranha). We could have been so good together. But alas, you’ve only gone and ruined your one chance at being truly good craic.

Enjoy the mediocrity of the Ents office pal.

Megan O’Connor using her platform to espouse her conspiracy theory views:

From afar, Megan seems like a nice gal. She’s from Kerry, she studies nursing - it all adds up. But this all changes the moment you meet the real her - the moderator of r/fightthepower. Megan is all policy until the first sip of an Orchard Thieves reaches her lips, and then it all comes out. “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams” she’ll murmur threateningly, before posting a Boomerang of herself and her friends clinking their drinks. “The Pentagon couldn’t have been hit by a commercial airliner and crucially” - she takes a moment to change her crocs for what she calls her “going out” Skechers - “there was such an extraordinary amount of put-options placed on the stocks of both airlines that it could only have been insider trading”.

Before she gets groovy on the dance floor, she’ll flash you her “Architects and Engineers for 9/11 Truth” membership card. “I’m in deep cover - they think I’m a structural engineer from Milwaukee, baby”.

This at first seemed kind of cool and definitely hilarious, but seeing as she has ceased campaigning completely in favour of pleading with disinterested passersby to believe her and other truthers, we can only say: take a day off.

Ignoring the GSU Drama:

“Why don’t you know this?”... “It’s extremely important for you to know that stuff.”

What a bitttchhhhhslapppppp. The bloody gall! Shaz, are you okay, do you need me to call your Mam? Can someone call Shaz’s mam? She needs to go home! Giséle Scanlon, I do not know you but I fucking fear you and I am grateful for you being the sole spicy sabbatical officer since Lynn Ruane. Could you picture Laura Beston speaking into a live mic and telling Aisling Leen if she’s on her “lavender oils” one more time she’s due her P45? And that’s the problem with Gen Z. All of the GSU were born and raised when people knew how to fucking scrap. You snowflakes might feel fine with letting juNiOr dEan mediate your interpersonal problems, but I say if you want to resolve an issue, be less professional, more aggressive, and excessively public. Be more #GiséleScanlon this election season.

The Piranha Want to get involved?

Email us at piranhatcd@gmail.com

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The Election Special, February 2020

The Big Three vs. The Big Three: The Pres candidates compared to Party Leaders In a completely arbitrary move to distinguish them in any possible way we have drawn biased comparisons and made some generalised statements about how each of them is unmistakably identical in both ideology and character to one of the leaders of the three main political parties of Ireland. Eoin’s Varadkar, Ryan’s Micheal Martin and William’s is Mary Lou. Are we right? Who the fuck knows. Are we wrong? Would you be bothered to listen to them long enough to decide? Exactly. Vote as you please, but do remember that a vote for each of these is a direct declaration of your support for any of the corresponding political parties.

not in a hotel they’re in a ballroom where you’ve paid €50 to eat a roast dinner from the lap of your evening dress and lose your clutch. If you talk to Eoin once it’s hotel this and hotel that, he’ll tell you which one had the nicest Christmas tree to sing The Auld Triangle beside while he shakes your hand and hands you free shampoo. Merry Christmas, a competitive corporation tax is a healthy thing, would you like to hear the baritone line from Budapest?

Eoin Hand’s a five star man with a two star promise that a vote for him is a vote for lavish venues and acapella arrangements of Bad Guy sung by Kinsey-4 men in creased suits from Zara Man.

Eoin Hand and Varadkar:

Stance on the North: Big Red hand, but also a European Union Blue Tshirt. It’s another mixed message from Eoin and Fine Gael, I mean I’m sure he would like to see a United Ireland before he dies, but will he really want to wade into that sort of thing - if you can’t see him in the Dining Hall shitting in a bucket and losing his vision over €450 then I’m afraid that rules out a 32 county socialist republic.

Appearance: Dashingly handsome in a guilty secret sort of way, and not the height you’d expect he’d be when you meet him. It’s a match.

Cares about the poor?: The Trinitones are getting lots of big corporate bookings and exposure but what’s he really done for your average, hard working, blue collar Trinitone?

Likes Hotels: The Trinitones sing in a lot of fucking hotels. If they’re

Is Eoin a Right Wing Centrist? Look at his poster and tell me which thumb you see.

I’ve Ghosted Every SU Candidate on Tinder - Here’s What They Said to Make Me Stop Talking to Them

Harry and Mary Lou: Hates the Royal Family? : Has definitely been compared to one of them all his life, but it’s always prefixed with “From a distance”.

Highly Likely.

Would advocate for a rent freeze?: At the time of writing, nearly three days into campaigning, Harry hasn’t put a single picture of his manifesto on his campaign page. This writer is on erasmus so can’t be fucked to ask for pics of a flyer. We’ll assume you’ve some vague points about fixing just about everything Harry cause yeah, you’ll do it better, cause you’re new, that’s what’s been missing, a new guy called Harry. On this issue they’re identical.

Referendum on Irish Unity?: About the only information we can glean is that you want a referendum on USI membership. We’ll run with it.

Whether it’s feasible, sensible or necessary we’re absolutely certain you’ll probably just go ahead and do it anyway. DING DING DING. Represents the only true leftwing socialist option?: Ah man, I’m tired.

He’s wearing a bucket hat and posted a meme before he uploaded his manifesto (still nothing). Like fuck if I know. Sure, sure. Gwan Harry, yeah we’ve decided that’s you. Gut the pigs and stab the rich in their beds, you’ve only your chains to lose.

Ryan Carey and Micheal Martin: Would be open to share power with Williams? Have yet to see Carey wear a hat, and so far when questioned on this issue Carey has always flashed our journalists a rather perplexed look. Usually muttering to himself “That can’t happen?.” This one is still up for debate but we are seeing a strong correlation.

Really likes Dev?: Hmmm, a lot of Irish language in that manifesto, a little bit threatening?? No one in The Piranha speaks Irish so we feel like that’s definitely the part of the flyer where he’s spinning absolute yarns about Dev. Also glasses.

Tries to distance themself from the Recession?: Carey has a talent for public speaking but he is often vague and forgetful when questioned about much of his activity from 2007 through to 2009.

Likes Landlords?: Was in the scouts, can one hundred percent build a shelter. Most likely would let you stay in the shelter but would definitely barter 8 goose knots and four flint arrows for 2 nights on a damp sheet of Tarpaulin at the bottom of the Sugarloaf. Makes me sick.

Unconvinced about Climate Change?: Definitely does have the type of face that says “I hear what you’re saying but the Earth’s always been through changes, there was an Ice Age once!” :D

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The Election Special, February 2020

"Why I'm running (apart from the attention)? I thought you'd never ask...."

Ask not what the SU can do for you but what it can do at all

Hilary term, week five and campus is overrun with different coloured teams of eager puppies barking about accessibility, sustainability and... touching people? Anyway. Several of them smile meaningfully and make promises of institutional change… some merely continue to bark. As i wade through the hordes I wonder what they could possibly be talking about: What institution? What will they be putting their hands on? What is the real political value of hats?

And who is Ryan Carey?

Stopping at house six for my usual chocolate raisin, fry’s turkish delight and diet pepsi snack I come upon an unusual sight. On the landing, a ghostly figure who I vaguely recognise from this time last year is weeping and regally waving at no one. Some others join her and whisper soothing words; ‘Laura

look at all you’ve achieved...We’ve had a great year… all the good we’ve done’. I turn, expecting to see a physical representation of this achievement, some tangible output but, instead, find the foyer empty save for the clutter of hollow UT hacks and tour guides. Outside the queues of people waiting for tickets to t-ball for some reason are at the point of riot, not even the vaguelyfamiliar-from-this-time-lastyear girl meekly shouting at them to keep in can restrain them.

In class, my friend tells me she went to the education officer with a complaint about her tutor and was told to fuck off.

Another day, another issue.

Another year, another SU election.

Hist 250: Patrick Geoghegan breaks Guinness World Record for number of simultaneous orgasms in an hour The Hist’s 250th anniversary celebration got off to a throbbing start last night with a panel discussion on “Ozymandias as a role model for the modern incel movement”. A packed GMB chamber overflowing with spotty virgins sat enraptured as a slightly fatter, significantly older spotty virgin blathered about the significance of ancient greek motifs in the modern conversation surrounding male sexual frustration. There were several cheers of “Hear Hear!” as the esteemed guest lecturer, Prof. Virgil A. Virgilsworth from the School of Wankery at Cryforhelp College, Cambridge, made a slew of unsubstantiated points about the works of

Homer, Plato and Jordan Peterson, which he refused point-blank to elaborate on.

Leaving the 4 hour long talk, a visibly out-of-breath Patrick Geoghegan mopped his brow and zipped his fly as an army of cleaners in HazMat suits rushed into the room. This marks the beginning of what promises to be a lacklustre week of selfcongratulatory blustering and circle-jerking. You can find a blow-by-blow account over on our subreddit.

The Election Special, February 2020

The Piranha Poll 2020

Forget exit polls. The Piranha poll is the only data you need this election season, bringing to you questions that you are too embarrassed to ask. We got answers from all of the election candidates after 24 hours, multiple requests and what were almost certainly long and fraught consultations with their campaign managers.

It seems that the libtard media has brainwashed all the cucks running for the SU. Surprise surprise, everyone’s too afraid of the PC police to air how they really feel. I hope you all enjoy those eggshells you’re walking on, because sooner or later they’ll crack under the weight of the hobnailed boots you’ll be donning once elected.

There’s only one word for someone like Leah Keogh. The lowest of the low, the goodest of the teachers pets, the most eager to please candidate you ever did meet. That word is narc. Leah would call the police on Madeleine McCann. Has the now-woman not been through enough? At the other end of the disturbing spectrum, Susie said that she’d ask for her number. What the fuck, Susie? We’ve seen a lot of disturbing things during our time as editors but this really takes the biscuit. Maybe that’s how you do things in the Union, but in the Republic, we have some integrity.

A shock result here with Eoin Hand taking home a sizable majority of the vote. While his Hands may be no good as fists, we are surprised to see the equally weedy welfare candidate Cormac Watson and presidential hopeful Ryan Carey escape this one unscathed.

Ha! Gotcha, fuckos. Everyone knows that Spongebob whitewashes violent US military activities and normalises the colonisation of indigenuous lands.

I guess 60% of our candidates are just completely unwoke and need to be CANCELLED. Only Susie Crawford and Eoin Hand haven’t drank the Bikini Bottom KoolAid. Wake up and smell the napalm, sheeple.

You're at the count and you get a case of the munchies. Do you.....

The revelation that most candidates would eat another human comes as a bit of a surprise. Although it is a well-known fact that Megan for Education harvests her power from feasting on the blood of her enemies, we expected better from the likes of our Welfare hopefuls, Leah Keogh and Cormac Watson. One questionable assertion comes from Eoin Hand’s claim that he would rather starve. Oh yeah, Eoin? Then where did the bloody handprint come from, you raving lunatic? Somebody stop this man and his tiny hands before he kills again.

Listen guys we ran this survey as a joke but we are SERIOUSLY concerned that none of the SU candidates can count above 8!! Sure, Hiram, Susie and ‘welfare Watson’ can all count UP TO 8, but what if there’s a situation where someone needs to count above that?? If you value numeracy skills from your representatives, these are NOT the candidates to vote for. Vote RON for every position.