Piranha Vol. 39 Issue 2

Christmas Edition Winter 2017

002

Political

Economics

General

SS student living in Front Square cock-blocked by Trinity security once again

Leaked email suggests new initiative to renamed 2nd Years as “2 Fresh 2 Furious”

Katie Ascough to return to UCD after choosing to live as a gay man

IN FOCUS Genderless Grey Blobs - is this the Trinity your Provost wants? - pg 39 ‘Love Actually’ Proves Bush Did 9/11: Here’s Why - pg 12

The

Piranha

a political, economic, and general newspaper

” THIS IS NOT A COUP

Trinity Publications

”

IN FOCUS 2

Christmas Edition, Winter 2017

In Focus: The Vibes Outside Trinity’s Arts Block

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uilt as an Arts faculty containing lecture theatres and seminar rooms in 1968, the humble monolithic structure has always held a deeper significance in Irish History. The site has long been home to some of the purest naturally occurring vibes this side of the river Ganges.

Located at the intersection of global ley lines, the spot has long held mysterious significance to like-minded, nicotineaddicted free spirits since the days of yore. Archeological evidence indicates the spot was a regular meeting point for celtic druids, in between sacrificing elk and licking psycho-active toads, to burn swathes of dried herbs and chat about the fucking state of the Druid’s Union.

Legends say it is the precise location of the first spiritual and physical union of man and

elk, forever solidifying the raw harvest vibes emanating from the solemn ground.

K off the Arts Block benches during Trinity ball while Dunner keeps sketch for the high-vis.

In just 2016, a runestone was uncovered with an elucidating phrase carved in ohm that said “I have bad lungs so like I just want the Druid’s Union to represent my interests. The Sacred Arts circle is intimidating for non-smokers like me and I need to be catered for.”

The vibes were then threatened with the Norman invasion of Dublin in the 11th century, who trampled over the traditional celtic vibes that the Vikings fostered by establishing a structured society with rules, and admin, and all that total fucking wank. From then the Norman families of Éstâtés and Facilités ruled over the lands.

As the years went on, so did the vibes. Vikings burnt the bones of their fallen enemies on the ground and inhaled the smoke, believing they were denying their adversaries entrance to Valhalla. Anthropologists posit this may have been one of the most vibe inducing events in written history. Where vibes gushed forth bountifully. The type of vibes you only catch a glimpse of doing a bump of

But everything changed rapidly with the introduction of tobacco to Europe in the 1400’s, the first ever rollie was spun on the very spot the arts block stands on today, the vibes surged forth once more, and an inseparable union was born.

In 1592, when Trinity College was established, Queen

We Asked 4 Heterosexual Cisgender White Men What They Thought of Fresh, and Their Answers Will NOT Surprise You Donnacadh O’Riordan Reilly, SF Law It’s political correctness gone absolutely batshit mad like. What’s next, just calling humans ‘hu’? I don’t understand the nuances of gender, and frankly, I don’t want to, but this minor change actually impacts hugely on my life, and my personal autonomty as a young white man. Now that they’ve gotten rid of the man from freshman what’s to stop them from just kicking me out of college altogether? This is a very bad time to be a young cis man is all I have to say.

women make up 16 per cent of chair professor positions, compared to 84 per cent of men, and it still takes an absolute age to change your gender with Academic Registry. Anyway, put your legs away you fat slut, before I punch the shit out of them.

The Old, Obviously Senile Man Who Punches Female Pedestrians around the Streets of Dublin It’s worrying to me that Trinity seems to expect a congratulatory pat on the back for implementing this relatively minor social change. It’s as if by providing this low-impact change, college authorities can distract students from the fact that they’re actually doing very little to really tackle the issue of gender inequality on campus. For example, there are no campus-wide gender neutral toilets, the Provost has 8 women on his council of 56,

Colm O’Sullivan, JS Engineering I think it’s absolutely ridiculous that the cucks in Trinity are trying to shove their PC agenda down our throat. This is why campus is so sterile - because the left refuse to meet us in the middle and debate changes like this. The First Amendment gives me the right to shout at any transgender person I want for any minor change to official college language policy, and I plan on exercising that right to the fullest. If I can’t get people to like me, the least I can do is convince myself that they are afraid of me.

"I don’t understand the nuances of gender, and frankly, I don’t want to"

Eoin Murphy, JS Law I honestly don’t even see how this is a sensitive issue for people who exist beyond the normal spectrum of gender identity imposed on us by society. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been alienated as a result of my gender, but also maybe it’s because everyone else is just a special fucking snowflake. Yeah, that’s right.

How can “words” be “sexist”?

That’s ridiculous! Words are just ideas man, they’re not ‘things.’

Eoin Murphy, JS Law Danus Mennison for The Piranha

Elizabeth decreed: “From this day forward we aim to end the barbarous tradition of savagery displayed on these grounds.

Proper British students who, like, actually give a fuck about their health have been mercilessly bombarded with plumes of toxic fumes from obnoxious, hopelessly addicted degenerates.” This quote was the opening line of the recent TCDSU Council on the topic of smoking.

"when Padraig Pearse skinned up an absolute beaut of a rollie" The vibes were subdued and didn’t flare up once more until early 20th century when Padraig Pearse skinned up an absolute beaut of a rollie with the boys using a corner of the Proclamation, before descend-

ing on the GPO for the Easter Rising.

And the vibes grew once again, in direct proportion to rates of lung cancer and strokes in Dublin. A golden age was restored as people were once more at liberty to ruin the respiratory system of themselves, and those around them.

A liberty that is currently under attack from the total fucking narks of Trinity, out to sully our vibes and totally harsh our buzz.

Well, I for one won’t stand for it.

Granted, I can no longer stand since I lost my legs to nicotine poisoning, but I have the utmost right to put people with asthma in anxiety inducing situations beyond their control for the sake of my vibes. No one can take my vibes. My vibes are all I have left since Karen left.

TCD Phil Changes Honorary Patronage Criteria in Wake of Sexual Assault Scandals

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he University Philosophical Society announced today that it would be changing the awards criteria for its medal of Honorary Patronage, in response to the sexual assault accusations cropping up across the arts, politics, and society more generally, affecting many of its otherwise potential award recipients.

Speaking to The Piranha, president of the society Constance McCurrach said that the changes brought the society in line with “a world where we don’t give medals to accused sex offenders and paedophiles, unless the allegations happened far enough in the past that everyone has forgotten about them.” Accordingly, the society’s “Gold Medal of Honorary Patronage for Exceptional Contribution to their Respective Field” will now be known as the “Gold Medal of Honorary Patronage for Exceptional Contribution to their Respective Field, Who Also More than Likely Hasn’t Sexually Assaulted Anyone that We Know of”.

The Phil is well known for hosting a litany of high-profile guests, including accused war criminal David Petraeus, ac-

cused war criminal Madeleine Albright, and Indra Nooyi, chairperson of Pepsi Co. and accused of the exploitation of Indonesian palm oil workers.

“We at The Phil are just trying to create a society where we reward individuals based on their merits, and only address their many, many flaws when media pressure forces us to do so,” explained McCurrach. “The Phil is committed to providing a platform to any high-profile guest that we can convince to enter the GMB, and to peddling the narrative that we are using discourse to advance society, when in fact we are simply ignoring the chequered past of who we are honouring in order to sell more membership cards and receive a nomination for best large society at the annual society awards.”

Time will tell whether this new award criteria will contribute in any way towards the erosion of a culture of sexual assault, or will instead merely serve as a means of virtue signalling for an increasingly morally bankrupt society.

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Christmas Edition, Winter 2017

14,000BC

Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt

Flock of migratory birds perch in the Arts Block for the first time on their way to Africa for Winter

33AD

Judas Iscariot elected to chair of Trinity Publications

2018

Iona institute host open bar, student only music festival the night before abortion referendum

2019

Trinity Publications grants funding for new left-wing magazine “The Circlean Jerknal”

2020

The Perch” lives up to name by serving hot cups of bird shit for €2.75 a pop

Stardate 527

“It’s easier just to call students Fresh instead of hiring another bloody female professor, they’re feckin’ useless”

”

"Bridges were made to be burned"

"SUAS? I thought you said 'Sue Us'" Unknown

"I'm from the Emerald Isle. The land of poets and snake banishers. I'm 90% Guinness, 10% human. Ooh ah up the Ra. Literally, I'm just so Irish" Every Erasmus Student Ever

Trinity Board of Trustees

SS Student cashing out on college relationships

"If it's due tomorrow, you do tomorrow! Haha" Cripplingly anxious JS Computer Science Student

No language is safe from problematic words, all communication ceases to exist

The Piranha

TCDSU HACKER

Co-Editors: Fresh Cantillon Personus Dennichild Senior Staff Writers Bill Dunleavy Liz MacHusband Cornetto Nevin

EXPOSED!!!

NOTES FROM THE THRONE

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he end of term is fast approaching, and old St. Thiccolas will soon be cuming down your chimney. After the declaration of war against all Trinity men by the so-called “Equality Committee”, and with Kevin Keane gunning for the “vibes” of the Arts Block, how long until Christmas itself lays at the feet of the PC brigade? Not even a lowly CIT President can have a measly ice sculpture at his retirement party without everyone getting their knickers in a twist. It’s called “good craic” - look it up.

But we digress. Pull up a chair, and roast some chestnuts over the hot takes coming out of the University Times: this may be our last Christmas together.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, the SU gave to me: Twelve fuckboys grafting, Eleven ‘best friends’ ghosting, Ten nights binge drinking, Nine deadlines looming, Eight essays stressing, Seven scholars bragging, Six Ussher free seats, Five shit rollies, Four SU hacks, Three naggins, Two group projects, and an overpriced Perch coffee.

Merry Christmas to you and yours from The Piranha T&M

Contributors Katie Bulger Sophius Cassius Jaque Coonihan Jack Do-notlan Barry Figgins Rupert Toaster Barry White-Liesaght Padraig McDirty Grinch Murphy Head Shoulders Knees& Tozer International Correspondent Rose Couldillon Anonymous Contributor Chris Bows-out Moral Support Jordan Girld

The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional

before reading. Nothing to do with us, it’s just that you clearly have mental problems. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious.

The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

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Christmas Edition, Winter 2017

Salaried Newspaper Editor Can’t Understand why His Staff of Volunteers Won’t Work Harder THE PIRANHA GOES UNDERCOVER

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ditor of the University Times Dominic McGrath expressed his confusion today as to why his staff of student volunteers weren’t working as hard as he was.

McGrath, the only member of the UT’s writing staff currently earning a salary from his work, and the only one not in full time education, was heard complaining down the phone to an unknown caller in his office, as The Piranha pressed its ear against his door.

“I just don’t know what to do Edmund,” McGrath’s soft Omagh brogue was heard saying through the flimsy wooden door of his office. “I’ve done everything you’ve told me. I’ve tried threatening to fire people who disobey my orders, I’ve tried raising the standard of the newspaper to an impossible level for students to reach without financial support, I’ve even tried insisting people miss social events in order to meet production deadlines. Nothing seems to be working!”

“Uh huh, uh, huh. Yeah, you’re right. The fact that my entire job currently is the running of this newspaper has in no way blinded me to the reality that the majority of my staff have a life outside of House 6. You’re so right Edmund, they just don’t appreciate the wonderful opportunity that the UT presents, and that the stress migraines, tears, and missed academic deadlines are worth it in the end when they put their staff position on their LinkedIn profile.”

Shifting its ear to get more volume on what was a private conversation, The Piranha heard a small sigh creeping out from under the door. “I’m not sure if I can do this anymore Edmund.

The cracking of the whip, the making people cry, the holding of the view that if you don’t have a vitamin D deficiency, you’re not spending enough time inside writing articles.

Maybe I should just pack it in?”

A pause, and then a notable steely determination was heard entering McGrath’s voice. “Yes.

The Student Publication of the Year award. The website. Of course. These are the things that matter. Thank you. I won’t let you down again.”

A click, and the line went silent.

Aramark Releases Direct Provision Statement

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e understand and appreciate your concerns regarding the treatment of asylum seekers in our direct provision centres in Cork, Athlone, and Clare. We acknowledge the fact that direct provision strips refugees of their basic human dignity, and that our involvement in these centres condones the terrible treatment of these people.

Here’s the thing though; we really couldn't care less. Sit yourself down and let uncle Aramark give you a lesson in

Here’s the catch; it’s not happening to us though. Fucking score.

Typical liberal snowflakes, you all have no understanding of the fundamentals of economics. You think that McDonald's aren’t getting little Ethiopians to make their Happy Meal toys?

Wise the fuck up. We’re all hamsters running on the capitalist wheel, hop on or get run the fuck over.

We fully understand that it is as a result of our actions,

The UN has offered to send impartial observers in to ensure that human rights norms are being upheld in the UT offices, but so far they have been barred from entry. More on this as it develops.

Correction 00:34 December 2 2017: a previous version of this article referred to McGrath as editor of the University Times. It should have stated that he is an award winning editor of the University Times.

a little thing called life. The strongest survive in this world, and right now, your boys at Aramark are the juiced-up alpha dogs of this food chain. We didn’t get to where we are by throwing everyone a bone, and we’re not about to start now.

We really do sympathise with the plight of those forced to use our direct provision centres, we really do. We just know in our hearts that if this was happening to us, we would be appealing to the goodness of humanity and the kindness of strangers.

specifically refusing to provide sufficient nutritional options to the asylum seekers, that many have experienced detrimental weight loss and potentially irreparable physical harm to their immune systems. Guess what though? Until it becomes financially viable to do otherwise, we will continue adding sawdust to their cereal and spitting in their mystery meat.

Get a fucking grip, liberal scum.

“Repeal is the Most Important Student Issue on Campus,

It’s just, like, a Totally Weird Coincidence that It’s also the Quickest Way to the Seanad” - Kevin Keane

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very single student is impacted by the 8th amendment. I mean most students. Like, at least 40%. Or 1 in 12. Whatever. As far as I know, every female undergrad has a crisis pregnancy at some point or another. And sure most of the lads do too. Either way, it’s more than enough to make it my main focus this year. Forget Trinity’s inability to provide affordable accommodation for its students. Or rising rates of mental health problems unaddressed by tragically underfunded counselling services. My role as ambassador for student

welfare is to focus on the hot button issue of the year.

Let’s all just think about this rationally for a second, if the 8th is repealed then I’m the TCDSU President that oversaw the long march to constitutional change that, as far as I’m concerned, literally every single student has been aching for.

If it’s not repealed, then I’m a martyr for the political left, an engaged young graduate with a well cultivated Linkedin and real-life experience in politics.

Either way, I’m creaming this Ascough clown. But that's not

what matters, it's just a suspiciously beneficial side effect of me advocating for today's most important student issue. Which of course is my focus. What matters is I'm front and centre, and at slight angle upwards, smiling for photos; marching for the single most studentspecialised issue out there, for which every student has a uniform opinion.

I care about students so much.

Loads in fact. I'd go as far as to say that this single springboard year in which I'm responsible for students is much

more important than my long term career trajectory, which honestly, we don't even have to worry about. Because it will just handle itself. So let's not even bother about that and focus on my advocacy for women's rights, the result of which will majorly benefit my bid to become a member of government. Because I care. About women. And students. And looking like I care. But that last one doesn't matter as much as the others. But it still matters.

Because there's nothing wrong with a bit of ambition. And certainly nothing wrong about

leveraging your responsibility to students to fulfil that ambition.

Contact me by monthly forum.

Goodbye and god bless.

Big Kev x

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Christmas Edition, Winter 2017

What's Hot // What's Not In The Eyes Of The Duty Librarians

The Library: the beating heart of all things Trinity. The Piranha went straight to the coolest kids on campus, the duty librarians, to get the low down on the latest and the lamest.

NOT

HOT

First Years: Don’t lie, you’ve thought about it. That fresh-faced young thing who’s doing so well in Maidens? That cheeky chappy in Co-op? The bright-eyed waif who “just wants to get involved”? You’ve thought about it. It’s the year of the First Year. They’re here and they’re hotter than ever. Over reading week they started buying clothes that aren’t from Kildare Village, and they don’t look half bad… Should you do it? Is it worth the vicious abuse you’d get from your friends? Maybe. But remember, when it comes to the boudoir, we recommend age before beauty.

Your Department Secretary: Her name is probably Deirdre. She’s about fifty. And she is working the pantsuit this season. She started doing yoga over the summer. She took the hubby with her, and they’re now rediscovering their bodies together. She now smiles at you when you hand in your essay ten minutes after the deadline. She’s a passionate fan of Cecilia Ahern, and she once read all three Fifty Shades books in one weekend. So wild, Deirdre!

Impeachments: Impeachments are in season. We here at the Piranha love winter fruits - berries, plums, apples - but if you’re looking to shake up your daily intake of vitamins, we highly recommend adding some impeachment to your life. They normally come into full bloom in the winter months, nurtured by the freezing cold glances of your fellow committee members, and the frosty bite of their fully-punctuated responses to your emails. Impeachments are often baked in pies - perfect for just desserts - but they are traditionally boiled alive. Possessing a spicy and salty flavour, it has a bitter aftertaste that’s sure to linger in your mouth during the long hours you’ll spend awake at night regretting your decision to oust that nice girl from your seminar for hitting “reply all”.

Katie Ascough: How do you pronounce her second name? Does it rhyme with “go”? Does it rhyme with “off”? Either way, it sounds a lot like an exit to us.

Team West Brit: You know who they are. Twenty minutes off the bus from Clare and they’re already buying Barbour jackets like they’re going out of fashion - which they are. These are the most insidious of all Arts Block animals, living like parasites off their more attractive and British friends. Most often found on the Arts Block benches or at an “intimate twenty-first” of six hundred people at Sebastian Rocheford’s five thousand square foot “cottage” in Sussex, they can be distinguished by their hornrimmed glasses and vintage clothing that costs more than new clothing. They probably “model” as well. Take note, Instagram is not an agency.

Trinity Admin: A True Story, Told Through Dialogue.

Student: (Walks into Academic Registry) I would like to pay my fees, please.

Admin Employee: (Reluctantly looks up from a game of Minesweeper) What’s the problem?

Student: My portal won’t allow me to pay my fees.

Admin Employee: (Removing tinsel hat and inflatable strap-on that the admins lads were “having a gas time” with): Show me on the computer.

Student: (Shows the problem on the computer) There.

Admin Employee: (Panicking) You’d have to email Academic Registry about that.

Student: (Looking around, concerned they are having a stroke and that their apparent surroundings are a hallucination) Am I not in Academic Registry?

Admin Employee: (Pause) Next!

Man Gender ting

BJ Off To a Sloppy Start

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rustrated with how dry and “sterile” college was becoming, a small collection of right-wing oppressed students came to the conclusion that what they needed was a BJ. This BJ would be exactly how Edmund Burke would have wanted it; for conservative men, by conservative men, where women appear involved, but don’t really participate.

It became increasingly clear however, that no matter how desperate these men were, they would never succeed in getting a BJ without paying for it.

After successfully sourcing seed funding in excess of €600, it finally became apparent that the BJ might just happen.

This seed was put to good use, and though some students questioned the motives of the unknown angel investor, it seems as though this person or persons felt that these young oppressed conservatives deserved a BJ during their time in Trinity. There were concerns over whether they would be able to get it up, and indeed, the BJ got off to a sloppy start.

Carl Spurlock - an experienced conservative mouthpiece - gave a biting (if shallow) contribu-

tion. Houis Loffman, one of the most enthusiastic contributors to the BJ, had this to say: “We’re coming; we’re coming quicker than we ever have before, and in places that you wouldn’t expect. The college left are skeptical, but they don’t realise how much we need a BJ. Edmund Burke said that good men must come together, and the best way for conservative men to come together is to give them a BJ.”

Professional Athlete’s Achievements Rebuked by Student Publication

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ebastian Fromm achieved every school rugby player’s dream of representing his national XV rugby team recently, but that wasn’t good enough for the University Times. Fromm, after years of training and dedication, earned his first Cap for the German national team. However, the UT is keen to stress that despite his accomplishments, Fromm has not even one Student Media Award.

The Piranha eagerly anticipates the intellectual load that undoubtedly awaits.

Being an elite athlete is fine, simple even. Anyone could represent their country if they weren’t so busy putting together a three consecutive Student Media Award winning newspaper. That on the other hand, that takes real talent.

Fromm was heartbroken to hear his achievement had ranked as a solid “meh” on the University Times’s “Hot & Not” list. Sports Editor Donal MacNamee commented “It’s Germany! They’re not even in the six nations, or the seven nations… you’d have to count for ages to find them.”

Fromm, clearly distraught, had to return his first cap. Speaking to the Piranha afterwards Seb said “It’s not something I had ever expected to happen.”

“You win your first cap, you’re delighted, you work hard and then your world comes crashing down around you. But the facts are undeniable, I don’t have a single media award, regional, national, let alone international. Student media achievements far outstrip anything I ever will do, and the large, unfettered platform that the UT gets to air such views in no way affects my outlook on this.”

Final score: UT 3 Fromm 0

Christmas Edition, Winter 2017

NonThreatening Gays The Left’s Straight White Male?

The Piranha Investigates

OPINION

I

n the animal kingdom that is identity politics, the king of the jungle has always been the straight white male. With privilege in spades, a penchant for perfunctory sexual encounters to win the respect of his peers, and an unwavering, unquestionable heterosexuality (like so, so straight), the straight white male has enjoyed decades, nay, millennia of power at the top of the food chain.

But amongst the political left, the straight white male’s reign may soon be over. A new challenger has emerged, dressed in respectable knitwear and clutching a copy of The Guardian. Mothers love him, fathers don’t have reason enough to hate him, and he has just enough of a minority status to make assertions without having his privilege checked. The non-

Trinty's Own Paradise Papers?

threatening gay is a serious contender for the left’s new apex predator.

Riding the wave of goodwill after the Marriage Equality referendum right into a crisp Zara slim-fit oxford shirt, the non-threatening gay has all the privilege of the straight white male, and none of the narrative that they perpetuate inequality. Clean-shaven and brogue wearing, non-threatening gays have been quietly working in the background, leveraging their sexuality to reach the highest echelons of society, without, you know, being one of ‘those gays’, as your mother would put it.

Indeed, the election of Leo Varadkar as Taoiseach has only served to embolden the non-threatening gay, who sees this as an opportunity to roll

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they are vocal on the internet, which begs the question: where was the outrage at this price increase?

Frequently termed “the safe space of engineering males” and “the last bastion of men’s rights”, The pool rooms of the GMB have been a hangout for proud misogynists and “the unkissed” since their construction in 1902. “It’s a place for the boys to blow off some steam between Engineering Mathematics II and yelling at girls from across the street” an unnamed JF student was quoted as saying. Engineering males are as numerous as

Pressure mysteriously dried up when it subsequently came to light that Trinity’s “Westland Eats” café was being run by a company tied to Direct Provision. The “anonymous” tip-off came mere hours after Trinity News published an exposé on the controversial price increase, and did well to distract from the attention. Questions have been raised about the link between the two, as sources close to the story reported that Phil President Constance McCurrach was seen leaving the back entrance of the Trinity News office mere hours before the story came to light.

Relations between “TN” and The Phil are not without their spotted history - this Piranha reporter remembers a time where the two organisations were put on an institutional,

espoke ice sculptors, €3.50 cups of coffee in the Arts Block, and now the University Philosophical Society (“The Phil”) have started charging for use of their pool tables. These price increases have come to light as part of an ongoing investigation into extravagant spending in Universities. What The Piranha finds most interesting is the suspicious amount of traction the story received.

Clean Break for The Phil after Pool Tables scandal

6

up the sleeves of his cable knit sweater, push his adorably floppy hair out of his eyes, and make a bid for the throne. Articulate, and possessing all the whiteness and maleness that only further perpetuates the power imbalance status quo, the non-threatening gay has firmly cemented himself as the peak of leftist social capital.

Only time will tell how long their soft-spoken, charming reign of terror will last before people realise that they’re just a more nicely packaged version of male privilege, but this reporter wishes them well in their quest to climb the sustainably sourced ladder of society, and pull it up after them.

and permanent Facebook “seen”. When asked about this new-founded relationship, a member of Phil committee, speaking via phone to the Piranha was quoted as saying “keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. In fact, keep them *riiiight* in the back pocket”. This reporter noticed the sounds of pool cues clashing in the background, as well as people cheering.

This is the second incident of people being thrown under the bus this year since Professor Tim Trimble, the Junior Dean, pushed two tourists in front of an oncoming luas as he hung out the back of a rickshaw on Harcourt Street.

This publication is funded partly by DU Trinity Publications Committee.

This Publication claims no special rights or privileges.

All serious complaints may be directed towards chair@trinitypublications.ie or Chair, Trinity Publications, House 6, Trinity College, Dublin 2.

Appeals may be directed to the Press Council of Ireland.

To get involved with Trinity Publications email secretary@trinitypublications.ie or get involved through our social media.

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Christmas Edition, Winter 2017

UCD Proceed to Impeach Everything

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aving shocked themselves at the level of voter turnout with the removal of Ascough, the UCD Student Union has decided to propose a mandate to impeach all aspects of UCD student life. A union spokesperson stated, “You know the involvement in the impeachment was amazing, it was really great to see anyone interested, literally anyone, how do you think she won in the first place?”

Indeed, UCD was shocked by a sudden swarm of eager students armed with Repeal-jumpers slowly rising from the woodwork, who were notably missing in the first place.

The University Observer’s exit polls attributed the deciding faculty in delivering the decision to impeach as “literally all of them, we didn’t realise there were this many students enrolled on campus.”

“We have a long and proud history of not really giving a fuck. Since 1854 the only one to make quota was Michael ‘Who?’ O’Connell, and even

that was just the strong country vote of the only name they could recognise.”

“We really shocked ourselves. Like really shocked ourselves, we had maybe 50 ballots printed, I’ve never seen such interest, or any interest,” said the disheartened spokesperson.

In an attempt to recapture this interest, the union has decided the way forward is mass impeachment.

“We want to be positive, so we’ve started a long list of things up for impeachment; Ag, the Newman building, Leinster Rugby, Wannabe Leinster Rugby Team (UCD firsts), Barry Murphy (we may as well get ahead on this one), Katie Ascough again (because the first time was so much fun), everyone from South County Dublin. You name it, we’ve got it”.

“Think Stalin’s Purges, even this mandate is due to be impeached.

Even the D in UCD has gotten enough signatures to launch a referendum.”

Not to leave us on a pessimistic note the spokesperson quipped “We’re excited we may make half of the quota with these new impeachments.”

It’s going to be a cold winter in Bellfield.

INTERVIEW CORNER: The Perch Café Please could you describe yourself for our Readers?

Well I’m a Third year Medicine Student from Laois. I live in a digs in Drumcondra with a three other Medicine students. In my spare time I go to the Hist Debates, which some people say are shit craic but they’re actually…yeah they’re pretty shit craic. Besides that I play Ultimate Frisbee and I work part time in the recently opened Perch Café in the Arts Block. Oh yeah … and I am also a really big pigeon. Like enormous. I’m the only one around. I don’t know why I’m enormous, my parents were normal pigeons. I’m the first in my family to do the Leaving Cert, let alone go to Trinity. I didn’t choose this. But I’m just like anyone else behind the feathers.

What do you say about the claims that the Perch has got longer queues and higher prices than the previous Café in the Arts Block?

Well why are you worrying about the queues anyway? If you’re the kind of person who buys coffee in the Perch, you’ve clearly got nowhere else to be except having a rollie outside the Arts Block talking about which is the best burrito in town. So realistically, the queue is not an issue. Plus, have you not seen the oversized incredibly useful map detailing where all of our produce is sourced from across Ireland? How very useful is that. Not to mention the wide selection of 3 euro strawberries on sale. I just love strawberries man.

What advice would you give for anyone looking for a job in the Perch?

Well…be yourself I guess? That’s how I got the job. They were on about inclusivity in the University Times and I thought you know… this could be what they’re talking about. Then I found out the name and I had the thought in my head: The Perch could employ pigeons! And they did. That’s the best advice I can give to anyone interested.. I’m proud to be part of an organisation which is leading inclusivity in Ireland. Sure, gender problems are important but species problems? No one talks about that. Maybe there should be an open discussion about it in some kind of Student Body. Not the SU though. It should be one which gives a fuck.

What are the working conditions at the Perch like?

On a scale of one to good, I’d say the conditions are good. I think it’s about fucking time that Trinity is employing our kind, to be honest. I’ve been looking for employment around Dublin ever since I left the nest. I started off with Deliveroo. For a student baked off their face with the munchies, a monstrous Pigeon outside their door is pretty trippy - even if they’re carrying a Chicken Bhuna.

It’s not easy for a bird working in a café: no opposable thumbs, we shed feathers, bird shit pops out with alarming regularity. No wonder they’ve got rid of filter coffee.

The free coffee is grand though.

I can’t get enough of the stuff.

Increases wing speed. Makes me go KAAAAAAAAAAAH. Apologies, maybe don’t include that in the piece, that was kind of weird.

Uproar as Investigation into Academic Quality of Business Degree Launched

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erious investigations are underway regarding the legitimacy of Business Studies as a Level 8 degree. Authorities were alerted when it was discovered that a SF Business lecturer’s exam consisted solely of questions based on his motorbike, and the cooking temperature of a turkey. It is also alleged that a JS Finance professor used a quiz taken from the back of a box of Coco Pops for the summer exam. One investigator has questioned whether Business Studies even surpasses primary school difficulty. Another has requested a medical inquiry into the matter, as there is a strong possibility that Business Studies may, in fact, be destroying students’ brain cells. Either way, the excuse that, “Ah sure you just learn Business in the real world, it can’t really be taught”, will not suffice.

Experts claim that the Business

professors’ protests at the investigations are just a manifestation of their self-loathing from past failed business ventures. That, and the bitterness of watching their poorly educated, and quite frankly academically-challenged students, graduate every year and earn more money in their first year of KPMG than they themselves have ever made.

Two assistant professors have already been dismissed after it was discovered that their degrees were actually certificates they obtained online allowing them to become selfordained pastors. Another Business professor was found to be a Chinese tourist who wandered into the Ed Burke 10 years ago, mistaking it for the location of the Book of Kells. He has been teaching Business since then, despite his complete lack of English, or knowledge of the subject.

Haha ... sure. Anyways, what does the Perch mean to you?

I don’t know. Before I worked at the Perch, I’d never really experienced this idea of height before!

When they offered me the position, I had no idea that the Perch wasn’t … you know, like, an actual perch. Like what the fuck were they thinking when they called it a ‘Perch’? It should be ‘The Alcove’ or ‘The Arts Block Café’. It’s really not a ‘Perch’ in the traditional sense at all… it’s pretty much as low down as you can get. Like people actually look down from the balcony levels of low. But I had pretty low expectations to be honest.

What is difficult about Life as an Oversized Pigeon?

Have you watched sesame street yeah?

HAVE I WATCHED SESAME STREET? Yeah I have.

Well I don’t know if you’ve read up on any of the Big Bird erotic fan fiction but it’s not easy getting laid. I mean I don’t exactly get many people swiping right. Like… you know I look like a massive pigeon. I encounter a few sexual unicorns here and there, but mostly it’s just old people.

Right. Would you recommend a job for students in the Perch?

Nah it’s actually shit. I don’t like working there. The SU Café sounds way better to be honest. Its name actually makes NO sense as well.

The Piranha Want to get involved? Email piranhatcd@gmail.com

Christmas Edition, Winter 2017

More men named "Patrick" on Provost Council than women named anything

A Gift Guide for the Quiet Girl in Your Class that You Got in Secret Santa

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h oh, you numpty! Despite your best efforts to fix the draw, you’ve been assigned Claire in your class’s Secret Santa. Claire, a small, mousy haired girl that commutes from the midlands, has spoken maybe three words to you in the entirety of your time in college, and now you’ve been tasked with getting her a meaningful, deeply sentimental gift that screams ‘I care about you, and your existence!’ And all for under a tenner! What a nightmare!

Fear not intrepid shopper, The Piranha is at hand to guide you through this trying experience.

So cast your eyes at some of

the gift ideas below that will be sure to go down a treat, or at least will not cause offense as they are hastily stuffed into a bag and forgotten about.

1. A Naggin

Ah the naggin, a staple of class Secret Santas. It is simultaneously functional, ironic, and available at the last minute from multiple shops as you curse yourself for leaving the present buying to the very end. Plus, by buying a naggin, you are asserting your status as a sesh gremlin, which is sure to win yourself some brownie points with the cooler kids in your class that you’re desperate to impress. A

win-win!

2. A Litre of Milk

‘Oh college students, perpetually out of milk!’ is the joke you will desperately try to make as you thrust this semi-warm litre of cow juice into Claire’s bewildered and tiny hands. No matter her tolerance levels to lactose, she is sure to find this subtle commentary on student living hilarious. Best of all, if she is lactose intolerant, you get to keep the milk. It’s like buying a present for yourself! Score!

3. The Closest 12 Items in Tiger Ah Tiger, home of

cheap plastic objects that you simultaneously have no need for, and can’t stop buying.

Simply close your eyes, walk in the store, and blindly pick up a fistful of tat to bring to the counter. You can’t go wrong!

Plus, with the quantity of gifts you’ll be able to buy, Claire is sure to look past the obviously disjointed and uncaring way in which you bought her present.

Thanks Tiger!

4. A Random Vinyl Record Claire’s kind of quiet, so she’s probably really indie and into music right? Yeah, yeah, she definitely is. Look at that fringe, that’s the fringe of a

person who has a record player. Just go into a charity shop and pick a random record up.

Any will do. Actually, the more niche the better, because it implies that you’re really trying to capture a really specific facet of her personality, rather than blindly screaming into the void.

Watch with joy as she struggles to read into your purchase. Feel proud in your achievements.

Another year, another bunch of worthless waste ready to be thrown in the bin upon exiting the class dinner in Captain Americas. Feliz Navidad!