The Piranha Vol. 42 Issue 4 - SU Elections Special

SU Elections Special

Politics

Dating

Provost Race

March 2021

'I just really like it here' - Danny from The Coronas enters SU President race.

What Sam the Fox's sex tape can teach Gen Z about sexual empowerment.

- pg SARS-CoV-2

-pg 3

Jane taking the lead as two Lindas distracted by branding copyright dispute: “One of us is going to have to change” -pg 31/08/1997

004

INSIGHT

How did Jane Ohlmeyer get my email address? - pg 17

The

Advice: How do I reconcile voting for Ben Cummins with wanting to punch his smug face? - pg RON

Piranha

ANKLE-BITING SATIRE FROM THE MURKY DEPTHS OF TRINITY COLLEGE DUBLIN

JANE OHLMEYER FOR ENTS

DO YOU WANT TWO FUCKIN' T-BALLS!?

IN FOCUS

SU Elections Special, March 2021

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Arrowsmith Promises To Go For (Kerry)Gold For Trinity Ball 2022 Trinity Ents has been marred for several years now by its inability to attract any acts that can make the students take their face out of the bag for 5 minutes. From the Coronas manifesting a pandemic, to a pair of racist rappers, to the time they just showed a 90-minute comedy about children pretending to be gangsters, recent Ents officers have not covered themselves in glory with Trinity Ball line-ups. But one man who is genetically predisposed to (liquid) gold is Ents Officer candidate Gregorious Arrowsmith. That is why Kerry Gold have promised to sponsor Trinity Ball 2022 should Gregory win, leaving endless possibilities for who will soundtrack the hedonistic, post-pandemic debauchery to come.

Our meagre college has rarely been so privileged as it has been during the past decade while the Arrowsmith brothers have shot their way through these hallowed halls. How lucky are we that they turned away from a life of crafting pointed projectiles to instead lead some of our most prestigious societies? Benedict the Elder took helm of the Knights of the Campanile and successfully pulled off a dairy-ng plan to make them Trinity’s most well-known secret society. All he needed was a gullible UT reporter and a few knobs of Kerry Gold to leave the all-male society in a haze of buttery glory.

Speaking of manly meat, Gregorious the Younger has spent his days in Trinity smoking his m e a t with Trinity’s new BBQSoc, not to be confused with Eoin Hand’s failed personal project: BBWSoc. Like all famous brisket smokers (shout out to the Zucc), Gregthony is a man of the people. If his days of sailing yachts and playing hockey have taught

Framing Sam the Fox A rapid rise to fame. A chequered past. A complicated personal life. Just a few things Sam the Fox and a certain 2000s pop icon have in common. Not to mention hospitalisation, rehabilitation and now, motherhood. The deeper you delve into their lives, the more disturbing the similarities. What is most worrying however, is that, like Britney before her, Sam has been stripped of her free will.

Once a fearless political activist, she has been oppressed by those who pretend to have saved her. She is forced, humiliatingly, to serve as Trinity college’s good-PR puppet.

Just as Spears is referred to as ‘The Princess of Pop’, Sam could be considered ‘The Vixen of Vandalism’. Despite blatant attempts by her overlords to clean up her image, Sam is indeed the very fox alleged to have urinated in the Taoiseach’s office in September 2019. Just as her subversive activities were beginning to gain notoriety, Sam’s anarchist views provoked an attempt on her life. She was targeted in a hit and run by a Dublin Bus. It was then that she fell into the clutches of the college. As the pandemic struck and restaurants closed, food

was scarce for scavenging. The emaciated fox, government enemy No. 1, was drugged, to treat mange (or so they would have you believe). The story polluted your instagram feed. But don’t be fooled. She was taken captive and brainwashed. Months later, a reformed, dead-behind-the-eyes, Sam was débuted. And a few months after that, just as intended, the country was enchanted by the fairytale of Sam the Fox and her two suitors.

The tale was lapped up as rare reprieve from pandemic doom mongering. Sam’s pregnancy (despite the lack of clarity on paternity) was, doubtless, announced to spread joy through the population, and (as if to dispel any notions of fake news) was needlessly evidenced by the graphic images of fox love plastered all over the internet. A Normal People of the Natural World if you will, but less sickening. But is it really the heartwarming story it seems? No. It’s exploitation. Plain and simple. Don’t you know that it’s toxic? And the only way to fix it is to launch an online campaign, then get the courts involved and make a documentary. #FreeSam

Is it all too much, too young for Sam the Fox?

him anything, it’s to know what the people want. His Ents will be one of the people, by the people, Flora the people.

And what do the people want? Dua Lipa? Yes. The Weeknd? Yes. To just have a few cans on the cricket pitch without feeling like you are literally kicking your granny in the skull? Most certainly. Can Gregly the Younger, Smith of Arrows get us any of these things? Definitely not. The 2021 lineup will leave you saying “I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-better!”, just like every other year. But you’ll be 2 vaccine doses and 3 keys too deep to care.

"Hey F*g, you like butter?"

The People's President Current Welfare Officer Leah keogh has decided to run for TCDSU President this year, a decision no one can really decipher.

As if being in the union for one year as an officer wasn’t bad enough, Keogh is making the controversial claim that “more can be done in the union”, a promise to which she committed herself next year if elected, despite being elected last year and running a union which has been described by students as having “done fuck all” during the Covid-19 crisis.

Keogh, however, has risen like a phoenix from the ashes of irrelevance and inaction since the beginning of the Hilary term, introducing her “Welfairy” delivery service back in January and providing free tampons and pads to every bathroom facility on campus just a week before the campaign period began. While this “wasn’t an official campaign move ;)”, some students have argued that Keogh has actually been campaigning since January for this position.

As she is the only member of the union to do anything solid recently, as opposed to simply publishing a few petitions, and tweeting “how much they sympathise with students at home” while they luxuriate in the palatial grandeur of House 7’s presidential suite.

A woman of action, Keogh looks to have secured the election.

Keogh’s reign over the union may last longer than an additional year in office. In a nod to her political inspiration, Leah is reported to have said “If Jinping can get away with no term limits, why shouldn’t I?”. One shudders at the thought of how much inaction the Union would be capable of taking in such a tenure. Time will only tell if Keogh’s reign will extend over multiple terms and into the provost race in 2030, but speculation is she is set to “win the hearts” of students and staff in the coming year, securing her place as Emperor of Trinity.

"GO-OBBLE FOR KEOGH!!!"

SU Elections Special, March 2021

Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt

This Day in Histor y

1745

Leah Keogh fills out her CAO.

1987 Emer Moreau gets her first

feature published in The Irish Times.

2022

Sierra Mueller Owens starts dealing again, simply for the thrill of the hustle.

3000

" Yeah but it’s all part of the hazing chief, nothing shady" - Luke McQuillann on some shady Clongowes shit " Probably 3-4 sticks of the good stuff" - Greg Arrowsmith on how much butter his family uses per day " Kinder, Küche, Kirche" - Peter Caddle explains the role of women under his UT editorship

“It’s short for Beverage"

" Haigh gach duinx, that’s ‘hello everyone’ for all you dirty anglophiles" - Ben Cummins launches his presidential campaign

"Sorry I speak Gaeilge, not poor!"

-Antonia Brady, Ents Candidate.

2065

County Roscummins secedes from the Republic of Ireland as an Independent State.

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“I was enforcing it before it was a necessary public health measure" - Perch ‘two lines please, two lines’ Man on the subject of queues

The Knights of the Campanile replace the actual Campanile with a great melting blob of Kerry Gold.

- Bev Genockey. " Guys, just me or does this lecturer's flesh look particularly succulent today?"

- SF Law & Business student shows his true colours

"We’re not getting married just because she’s pregnant" - Peter Caddle’s response to the allegations made about his relationship with Sam the Fox

"What was it all for?"

"Call me Cummy."

- Ben Cummins.

- Hugh Mac laments all the shite events he never got to host

The Piranha

NOTES FROM THE THRONE

T

hey have done the state some disservice; and boy do they know it. Who are they? Your guess is as good as ours. A full year on and we find ourselves knowing even less about the mysterious cabal of unsettlingly boring lizard people disguised as Arts students who dictate every aspect of our lives from the secret Swiss mountain lair that you and I call House 6. Indeed, if it weren’t for Ph*lly H*lmes’ incessant emails, we wouldn’t have noticed that it’s already time to once again pretend to care about pharmacy students not getting paid for placement or whatever the existential crisis of the day happens to be. So we bid farewell to this year’s Students' Union. Or most of them at least. We’d love to give a short acerbic paragraph eviscerating various things they did but Jesus they’ve suffered enough having to log in to Ents’ ‘Locktails’ every Tuesday and resist the urge to ram a fork into the nearest socket.

So we turn instead to the incoming crowd of fresh-faced wannabes who’ve spent 4 years studiously avoiding major controversy, maybe they’ve even donned a smelly JCR softshell jacket and pressed a few greasy palms in Opium. And now it’s their turn to have a spin in daddy’s office chair. Much as we’d rather not have to make direct eye contact with this medusa of a ballot, we owe it to you, the reader, to report frankly and impartially on which of them we find funny, and which of them we think are probably a bit weird.

While we’d love to endorse all of the candidates and we think they’re all very special and important, it will come as no surprise to most of you to learn that we are putting all our money on Ohlmeyer for Ents. Never before has a candidate made the bold pledge to host not one, but TWO Trinity Balls in one year. If elected, Jane Ohlmeyer will be a historic Ents officer, the first in this University’s more than 400year history to host more Trinity Balls than Schols ceremonies in a calendar year. Far from being a lazy populist gesture to win student support, this will be a long-overdue victory for the forgotten silent majority of students who fucking hate their degrees.

For too long the nerds, dweebs and losers of this college have been given preferential treatment with their “seminars” and “gold medals”. We applaud Ohlmeyer’s courage in acknowledging the insatiable hunger for pills among students and we’ll see you at the dance tent around half 1. #YupCounselling

James & Shane xx

Editors: Shane Kenneally James Johnston

Senior writers: Ellen Higgins Hugh O'Leary Staff Writers:

Claire Brennan Contributors: Shannon Connolly Robert Tolan Tadhg Cowhig Bonnie MacCann Curtis Winkelmann Jay Purdue Max Wilson The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, perhaps try learning that jokes aren't necessarily things people believe but are instead, jokes. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any

resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman.

The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time.

The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

SU Elections Special, March 2021

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Non-existent opponent poses major threat to Cronin Campaign! Insider Source Reports!

Communications and marketing candidate Aoife Cronin blasted her missing opponent for refusing to step forward during a gruelling campaign, saying, "Trinity College deserves leaders who exist."

Cronin is running unopposed, but believes she is being "ghosted" by a candidate too afraid to step into the ring. Should Cronin lose, it would be the first time in Trinity's 400-year history that a nonentity defeated a flesh-and-blood candidate.

"It is frustrating to run against someone when you can't even critique their positions or debate them," Cronin said.

"It's like I've been chasing a shadow throughout the campaign. How can something that doesn’t follow the rules of logic or reality run for a position in an organisation as important as the Students' Union?"

Despite Cronin’s experience as a member of the University Philosophical Society, she has repeatedly displayed an inability to comprehend the quiddity of an immaterial non-being, and subsequent leaks suggest this is taking a severe toll on her capacity to strategise.

“She’s growing increasingly worried about how to beat the manifestation of nothingness” an anonymous source on her campaign explained. “It’s only made worse by the fact that they aren’t showing up on any of our polling data. She’s been looking into esoteric rituals and rare philosophical texts, but nothing has worked so far.”

Who is Peter Caddle?

Wanting to shed some light on the mystery man going against the establishment candidate, I trudged through The Burkean to get a sense of what Mr. Caddle might have in mind for the UT. Indeed a very complicated man, with many big thoughts he feels the need to share, Pete’s worldview is clear from reading even one of his articles. I believe he can be summed up as follows

may take a turn for the bacchanal.

Caddle declined to interview for this piece as he has never, in fact, spoken to a woman and doesnt plan to start now.

Likes: fr*e sp*ech Drinking milk with his dinner.

Daddy Ganley and bank account.

Dislikes: Rules ;) The approval of his peers.

Sunlight Can't quite make up his mind about: Women Himself

"Please help or kill me!"

My investigation then took me to Facebook.

Searching his name I found a very private profile, showing me only his profile picture and our mutual friends- two former Hist committee members. At this point I've seen all I need to see and will sign off with a warning to UT writers.

Under the Caddle regime your staff mixers

"Cummy Daddy, will U dismantle the 5th estate wit me UWU?"

Election Bingo: Give yourself 10 ECTS credits everytime...

Beverage Genockey pisses herself during hustings and has to be force fed water.

Cormac Watson stands Emer Moreau on an actual pedestal in front square

A candidate for Ents, who has only attended a maximum of 2 Trinity Balls and blacked out for both, says they're going to "Bring it back better than ever!"

Antonia Brady tries to put DMT in your keepcup, and convince you that if Ohlmeyer wants to do 2 TBalls then she can give you SIX!

Daniel O Reilly gets tetchy when you ask to see his feet, and then lopes away quickly, clip clopping as he goes.

People bring up Greg Arrowsmith's hot brother who called the 2019 UT Editor a "Stupid B*tch".

Luke MacQuillian requests a fiver off you on Revolut for "some investing on your behalf", then blocks you when you ask for it back.

You find yourself really wanting to curl your hand into a fist and see how hard you'd have to swing to break Ben Cummin's nose.

Peter Caddle is seen wandering the Arts Block in Combat Camo while carrying a suspiciously heavy bag

Sierra Mueller Owens gives you a sharp dig in the back of the neck for breaking a minor covid regulation.

Dylan Krug texts you on an unencrypted messenger service asking if you know how he could "buy some puff?"

Leah Keogh once again pretends that she doesn't have an actual clue who Eoin Hand is and insists she was temp jobbing as President this whole time but just wasn't allowed to tell you.

SU Elections Special, March 2021

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What's Hot // What's Not Searing insider insight from the mature student in your zoom class who definitely is screen shotting everyone fairly constantly.

"I may not have a working camera or mic, or profile photo, but that doesn't mean I haven't been learning a few things on the ole Zoom, if you know what I mean!

The stories I could tell you, the pictures I could show you!

From my course notes and lectures slides of course, what else did you think I meant??

Meghan Markle:

HOT

The bitch slap heard around the world has just clapped hard against the dusted cheeks of the British monarchy. The secret is out, the structures are false, all is changed utterly, a terrible beast slouches to be born. But wait, it’s just the new cohort of SU hopefuls eager to make a #change, as they tell us they can make the sun rise in the west and the rain fall sideways. What’s worse is we believe them every time, we give them this naive certainty. And what do we do when they finally win the election and realise their dreams? We tear them down like a #MeToo poster in a South Dublin Rugby school. Meghan was set up to fail. Will Antonia Brady pull through on her promise of a rave in the house of the Oireachtas, unlikely. Will Sierra Mueller-Owens successfully eradicate all cases of “the big sad” in the student body? Never. So how could we have expected Meghan to bring the monarchy into the 2020s? She has been ridiculed, tormented and defamed by the British press, much like a certain E.Hand who has suffered a similar fate at the hands of this paper. That poor sweet boy, what have we done to him? We wish we could change, that we could do better with the new SU, whoever they may be. The truth is, just like the scorpion on the frog's back, we are but mere victims of our own nature.

Snap Snap, what’s that? Oh it’s just our prickly little teeth tearing some new chunks from the supple rumps of the fresh batch, Cummins is tasting salty.

2 T-Balls:

We are old, our bones creak as we walk across the cobbles. We take books from the shelves of the Leckey and read in the forward that they have been dedicated to friends of ours who are now long dead, we cannot hack the sesh. We talk about T-Ball a lot in The Piranha and that’s mainly because it’s something that anyone can talk about with anyone and still feel included, like soccer or the weather or how we feel just so alone in the never ending tide of life, waking up day after day hoping that maybe the sun is shining and that this brief stint of consciousness might be memorable, or at least painless. Yes, T-Ball is a unifying part of the college experience, and no two students experience T-Ball the same. One person might have the night of their dreams whilst the other might take only half a pill ( 4 times) and get quite a serious possession charge and a bout of next day anxiety like nothing you would ever believe was possible. Seriously, why are our brains capable of producing so much of that terrible gnawing feeling of dread? Again we digress, but if you think about it, T-Ball is sort of like Paul Mescal. If you tell us he’s the next Patrick Prendergast then we’d agree and say he’s quite the slice of male. Conversely if you tell us that he looks like a teenage apprentice electrician, who’s too awkward to ask where the toilet is when he’s on a job in your parents house, then low and behold the magic is gone. The fear we have is that if there are two T-Balls then does that mean we could potentially experience both ends of the T-Ball spectrum in one calendar year? Yo-yo-ing back and forth in some terrible loop of ecstasy and terror? Actually that does sound a bit hot to be honest. Fuck, yeah that’s really hot actually, anyone want to loan me 92€ twice?

NOT Skipping The Equality Hustings: Listen, we would like to give this as little coverage as possible but at the same time, every once and a while you have to watch a really grotesque Serbian Arthouse-Porncore snuff film in order to understand just how dreadful humanity can truly be. Thank you Peter Caddle for reminding us that some people in the general student body simply do not see all human beings as equal. There’s a word for those types of people but we don’t think we need to say it because they'd probably just prefer if we did.

It’s a tad ironic that someone who writes for the Burkean, a publication established to provide a conservative voice on campus, would forgo that opportunity when given the chance. However little about the Burkean or Caddle surprises us anymore, because we were right the whole time. The lesson being, if they seem to view minorities as unequal members of the human race, then they probably do. Don’t feed the seagulls, never buy from Aramark, and please don’t give anyone with such blatant prejudices anything more than a tick in the RON box. Or do you place a 1 in the RON box? Fuck knows we don’t vote, we are a hoarde of carnivorous fish.

No PAV season

It’s April 2017 and you’ve been making steady progress studying for your exams. You leave the library to grab a quick coffee from the Spar on Nassau street (RIP) only to bump into the intimidatingly buff guy from your tutorial as he picks out some alcopops to sneak onto the cricket pitch in his Kanken. Next thing you realise that you misjudged him this whole time and that despite his brilliant knowledge of the European Wars of Religion, he too is effeminate. You hit it off talking about the exams you’re meant to be studying for, he asks if you’re also going PAV. You lie, quickly, without really thinking, and say you are. You never do that, what’s gotten you like this, is it him? It is. His friends call for him from outside because they already paid while he was talking to you. Looking right at you with his deep eyes of azure blue, pools of promise that you could drown in. “I’ll see you there so,” he says, and he will. You buy a naggin of Two Trees with some Club Lemon and throw caution to the wind, settling for a 2.1, you flaked on Schols, Mum’s heart’s already broken. You arrive at the cricket pitch, not even stopping to get your laptop and bag from Ussher 2, cause no one minds, leave it there for weeks if you want.

You see him, he waves to you, calling you over to his large group of smiling friends who are a little drunk and who each seem to dress like they’ve really found their own sense of style.

None of them are more attractive than you, you feel welcome. A naggin turns into cans, which turns into another pack that you purchase for 16.50€ from the PAV itself because you’re not bothered to walk back to Spar. Then the sun sets, the golden hour pics are taken, the sun sinks.

It’s cold, he gives you his Carhartt. It’s all so perfect. One of his friends is mentioning rumours of a campus pre-drinks, your exams are still two weeks away and this year doesn’t count. You turn to ask him if he’s going out only to see he’s leaning in, drawing nearer. Looking you in the eyes then down to your lips and right back up again to savour you as he pulls you closer and you share this moment, on the grass, beside the PAV with everyone else who’s ever had it, who’s never forgotten it. *BEEP* Your alarm goes and suddenly you’re back in the room and it is March 2021 you’re sat in Ussher 2. The PAV is boarded up, Spar Nassau is no more, your mandatory 15 minute library break has arrived.

Adieu Pav, you deserved to hear all the beautiful things we still say about you.

The Piranha Want to get involved?

Email us at piranhatcd@gmail.com

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SU Elections Special, March 2021

GOSSIP CORNER Beverage Genockey's Campaign Poster Turns Heads

"*Hic*, Lemme show you how to pour a can o' Guinness right ye bastard, *Hic* There's your bleedin Educayshun!"

Planned UT Front Cover Leaked To The Masses!

In a move that has set twitter alight, the planned "victory cover" of the "glorious celebration issue" of the University Times has been obtained by Piranha journalists.

Whether it's hubris or a case of the giddies the proposed front page does reflect somewhat how UT sees itself; they will literally stand on your fucking neck if you speak out or question.

That being said we here at The Piranha are no such cowards, we see you for what you are UT, bullying poor Petey!

P.S Cormac Watson if you bug my apartment I will make strong, sustained eyecontact with you the next time I see you I swear to god.

Luke MacQuillian Revealed as Mastermind behind "TCDSU STOCKS" hoax.

Luke Macquillian said in his recent TN interview that if elected he woud start selling “large amount of stocks and shares” owned by the SU. Which he legitimately pulled out of his arse because the SU has no shares in stock or any short term investment portfolios. Like we know you are reading this in The Piranha and yeah we did photoshop him onto the guy from the Gamestop stuff (that we still don't understand) and gave him a Waifu pillow, which isn't much of a reach. But he legitimately made it up for a zinger, he has no idea, like someone fairly high up in House 6 told us this, and we can say it with confidence, even as a satire paper. Hey TN, maybe fact check a bit more and one day your Editor will get a salary x.

Long and short of it is that Luke MacQuillian is a fraud, a liar and a manipulator, but you can just call him our current crush tee hee!

Reflections of a Once Hopeful Piranha Team Spirits in the Piranha’s election team were high at the prospect of the end of Eoin Hand’s tenure as SU President and the perversions that go with such a name. "Finally!", we rejoiced, "something to write about that's not just salacious puns based on people's names.

You can imagine our dismay and disgust at the announcement of this year’s candidates: Ben ‘Cum’ Cummins, Luke ‘Wood’ MacQuillan and Leah Keogh.

third lockdown, Keogh allegedly decided to run after realising her social studies degree could not get her a real job.

This year’s field is particularly poor and the Piranha’s Ouija board has revealed it is purposefully so. In a Piranha exclusive, we can reveal that our friend's mum who claims to be a medium has confirmed that this election is a farewell gift from an old friend. Not yet gone, but mostly forgotten. Like a The first is rumoured to have pregnancy after a one night stand, submitted the required forms after the Provost summoned forth the getting too high on poppers, the worst candidates he could find in second developed the delusions an effort to discredit the SU one of grandeur associated with final time.

Clongowes Wood alumni in the

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SU Elections Special, March 2021

Ents Candidates Propose Formation of 'Ents of the World' Death Cult The variety and number of events which can be organised during a pandemic are incredibly limited. For many people, Zoom doesn't capture the same thrill of real live events. It's not the same when you can't smell the thick smog of Paco Rabane One Million, or when you don't have to wait for twenty minutes to listen to some girlo heaving in the next cubicle. First years have reportedly taken to spending hours each evening trying to force their tongues into their mirrors just to simulate human contact. In such a landscape, it would seem impossible to try and organize events which create a memorable year for students. However, this years Ents candidates have come up with a novel idea to solve this issue: forming death cults.

Though both candidates have accused the other of plagiarism, there is a substantial difference between the two cults. One worships ‘the Almighty Sesh’ and the other worships ‘the Sesh Almighty’. Both are eager to recruit new members, offering lavish incentives such as The Kool-Aid, Offbeat Doughnut vouchers and cool sunglasses that say 'Just Eat' on the side.

We are backing Antonia Brady in this race since she has explicitly stated she wishes to take student events off world into the cold, inhospitable void of space. It’s not an Ents election if the Players Ents Manager doesn’t run, and here she is. Want to dance to I Hate Models and drop pills in the chapel at Sunday Mass? Brady is your gal. Her reckless disregard for all safety regulations in the name of that golden, gucci sesh is truly admirable. We'd follow her into battle, we'd jump infront of a bullet for her, we'd do yet another bump off her sparkly pink key, even though we should really have some water and wait an hour. When Antonia Brady hosts next years TBall it will be so ludicrously unregulated that you might die at it, and we hope you do.

Students have raised concerns about the presence of two competing death cults on campus, but College authorities have taken care to remind students that not much will change.

Stating that, "If Players keep producing uncontainable gas betches with substance dependency issues then we will just have to keep bending to their will, ya feel us gorge?"

We feel ya, put our mortal souls in the Burn Book and take us to fucking Saturn Ms Brady.

Wanna wear glitter and do Ket in Space Betch?

The SU Candidates: Better Than You in Every Possible Way Why Daniel O'Reilly Is Better Than You

Daniel O’Reilly is a fifth-year mechanical and manufacturing student as well as current STEM convenor in TCDSU. Alongside this, O’Reilly is currently the activity leader for the food bank programme in VDP Society, offering up his free time to the less fortunate. In recent news, O’Reilly has agreed to give his left testicle to a dying orphan (medical reasons unknown but apparently vital) while simultaneously building a machine which cures death. ‘What type?’ you might ask; Just general death. This

man is evidently a better human being than you in every conceivable way, so don’t even try.

With the mental capabilities of Tony Stark and the moral compass of Mahatma Ghandi there is literally nothing O'Reilly cannot educate you on, no seriously, he can teach you anything.

We've always had our suspicions about how one soul could be so earnest and kind? Surely there has to be a catch?! Come to think of it we've never seen his feet, that's suspicious?

Why Ben Cummins (Presidential Race) Is Better Than You: There are few things in this life which appear more obvious than why Ben O’ Irish is better than you at life. I suppose this one simply boils down to one main question: Can you still string a sentence together using leaving cert Irish? If the answer is no, which we highly assume it will be, then you can take your rightful place in the dirt, kneeling before Ben O’ Cóinoízx-123 (?). This man is better than you are purely because he knows it.

We'd even Póg his Thóin, if he didn't like it so much.

Why Dylan Krug Is Better Than You "If it is knowledge you seek then simply burn a black candle, speak the latin, and I shall appear."

Why Aoife Cronin Is Better Than You Give up. Genuinely, take a big look at yourself in the mirror and understand that this person has accomplished more in their lives than you have and ever will.

Uncontested in this race, Cronin stands head and shoulders above those who didn’t dare run against her. While you have spent the last few weeks lying in bed, partaking in your morning zooms, laptop resting on your crotch, almost definitely burning off any remaining chances you had at being fertile. Cronin has been out there, honing her communications skills in the alternative minefield that is TAF. When she’s not subliminally controlling

your thoughts through her creative roles Cronin is “engaging in public relations work.” And I know some of you may say, ‘wait, isn’t that literally just the modern equivalent of using Instagram?’ and yes, you would be correct, but it’s printed in a newspaper so shut up and remember, you are worthless compared to these people.

I for one, cannot think of anyone better to represent a communications officer than a librarian; Organised, well read and desperately looking for someone to talk to. Cronin is just a better human being than you will ever be, so feel bad about yourself. Because she’s done stuff.

He is definitely, 100% with all faith and certainty, NOT an undercover Guard. Yep, no way in hell, nawwwwwwww.

Just a sound LAD.

SU Elections Special, March 2021

CANDIDATE POLL The numbers don’t lie. We put the most pressing questions of this election cycle to the candidates in a very formal and impartial Facebook groupchat. Luke McQuillan declined to respond, which we take to mean that he either didn’t learn how to fill out a Google form when he was in Clongowes, or he doesn’t actually want to be SU President all that much.

Are you doing this as an angle for a Seanad Run?

Firstly, Antonia “hot girls don’t know what the Seanad is” can save the Paris Hilton shtick for the concession speech. Hot on her heels for the worst response is opponent Grarrrnarsmith who seems to think we still care/ever understood the whole Gamestop thing. I, for one, haven’t set foot in a Gamestop since I made my mum buy me a Nintendo DS with Nintendogs: Dachshund and Friends in 2006. Then Daniel O’Reilly chiming in with the old wink wink nudge nudge about the pension or something, followed by Peter Caddle’s homage to that great giant of conservative political philosophy, Saladfingers. Sadly, the only other response of note was Dylan Krug’s cryptic and slightly concerning admission that even if he did want to represent the University in the Seanad, he couldn’t. Which leaves us wondering why? Is it against the undercover Garda code of conduct? Is he on a no-fly list? We may never know, because we can’t see anyone caring too much after he loses.

Another test of wit, this time putting the candidates through the rigours of the quadruple negative. While 78% of our dweebs played it safe with not not ruling out maybe refusing to take the vaccine, an interestingly high illiteracy rate of 22% was apparent with both AntiVaxxer Cummins and Antonia Plandemic stating they were against not refusing to not refuse to take the vaccine.

Perhaps it’s that people who think they’re hot but are actually just insufferable don’t need, or indeed deserve, the vaccine.

Perhaps it’s that people who’ve been praised and socially accepted their whole lives for being conventionally attractive never learned how to read. One thing that’s for certain is that if you’ve ever been in a 24-hour musical, you don’t need to worry about what’s in the vaccine.

To the 55% of candidates who replied Yes to this question, we want to see some follow-through. Aoife Cronin, we want even messier graphic designs for events that we’re unclear as to what they are. Bev Genockey, we want to forget even harder that there is an Education Officer, and have an even shittier year being a student. Leah Keogh, interesting strategy, but 10/10 for throwing Eoin Hand’s emaciated little corpse under the wheels of a Dublin bus like the campus fox he wishes would comment on his Instagram Lives.

How would you rate the Coronavirus out of 10?

This question was actually a test of our candidates’ ability to give vague non-specific answers to vague non-specific questions.

So while we didn’t specify whether it was “out of ten on a scale of enjoyability” or “out of ten on a scale of misery” only 27% of respondents answered approximately in the middle of the scale, meaning their answer could be equally noncommittal and appeasing either way. It will come as no surprise to most that the 3 candidates who answered this question cleverly were Big-Brain Caddle, MasterDebater Cronin and STEM Genockey. Maybe the SU isn’t fucked after all.

The real metric you should use to decide who to vote for. Only 40% of our candidates got this one right, voting for the eternal Princess of people’s hearts, with the other 60% voting for that awful Yank homewrecker stealing away our precious Harry. Peter Caddle interestingly chose to leave this one blank, which we interpret as meaning that he loves and respects them all as if they were his own family and wishes they had never let the silly little republican rabble-rousers tear us away from mother Britain’s fulsome teat.

First up, the question we’ve all been too afraid to ask. Dylan ‘Undercover Garda’ Krug and Emer ‘The Politburo is listening’ Moreau refused to answer, which has an AWFUL stench of “pick me!” off it.

Interesting tie between Jane “Bring the Pain” Ohlmeyer and Linda “Put ya through a windah” Doyle, with the other Linda getting just one sympathy vote from Sierra Mueller-Owens, we're sure Sierra will call that favour in one day, afterall nothing's free on the streets.

Finally, some good fucking craic in this election poll!!

40% of these LEGENDS have such debilitating substance dependencies that the mere mention of class A narcotics bathed in the blood of Columbian children had them wondering what we had and how much we wanted for it. We can always rely on notorious pill-, we mean Phil-head Aoife Cronin for the “drugs are craic” vote and of course Dylan Krug left the question blank because he was too busy seeing how other people answered to figure out who the FUCK was sneaking the bag into T-ball.

We’re glad to see the spirit of giving is alive and well with the current pool of candidates, with 64% saying they would offer their Onlyfans content free of charge, although this is somewhat redundant in Greg Arrowsmith’s case. Take it from us, if you’ve seen one hockey stick, you’ve kind of seen them all. Weirdly thin and curled at the end? We get the picture.

Disappointingly, Emer Moreau and Leah Keogh intimated that they had never heard of the website. But maybe that was our fault for sending the poll to their official email addresses and not that of their alter egos, the ArtsBlock Destroyers.