The Piranha Vol. 43 Issue II- Winter Edition

Christmas Edition December 2021

COVID-19 Campus residents install “Don’t Antigen, Don’t Tell” policy. pg. NPHET

002

The

CULTURE Trinity Admin ‘will never recover’ from the blow of a Sally Rooney book not set in Trinity.

CHRISTMAS

Students4Change demands Santa deliver TCD fee refunds as they’ve “been very good boys and girls this year.” pg. :’( pg. 12

INSIGHT After years of research, Trinity scientists discover that nobody cares you’re on Erasmus

Piranha

ANKLE-BITING SATIRE FROM THE MURKY DEPTHS OF TRINITY COLLEGE DUBLIN

Santa tell me... ...why do I have to support human rights?

The University Times promises to support Trans Community, budget allowing Three months after it was called for, the University Times have swiftly announced their boycott of The Irish Times due to transphobia within the national newspaper. In a statement entitled “A Note to the Annoying Trans People in our DM’s,” the student “newspaper” announced that it has eventually pulled all advertisements from the Irish Times.

Emer Moreau (pictured), who is both UT editor and PRO of

#IStandWithJKRowling Soc, opened with “Jack Kennedy, get that smug fucking look off your face.” “Right” Moreau continued, “we have decided with great urgency, having checked if it would hurt the Irish Times job I have lined up next year, to boycott the Irish Times, where it suits”. Moreau then went into detail that she would “stop accepting the 4 euro and 75 cent in advertisement fees immediately”, thus ending all transphobia against the many many trans writers who definitely write for UT.

The reasoning behind their partnership, the statement went on to reveal, is that IT provides complimentary bag for “really long and hard” printing weekends making the physical edition of UT, which is read by 8 students total. “The Irish Times *sniff* is fundamental to the paper’s identity” Moreau continued, off her face. The statement further emphasised that trans people should “please stop tweeting about this” and were asked that they “please write The newspaper, which is future complaints in Triniprinted by the Irish Times, has ty News so we can ignore not yet pulled their printing them”. partnership. “We are definitely looking into another print- Trinity News, a filthy er” the newspaper continued non-broadsheet publication, in their statement, and enquote tweeted the article with couraged other media outlets a bitchy gif of Johnathan Van

Nervous TMT change musical to avoid casting “uggos” In a move fuelled by fear and lack of diversity for casting in Trinity, TMT have decided to change their musical from ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame’ to ‘Lads and Birds’.

Speaking exclusively to a TMT insider, the Piranha got the full scoop on why they decided to take a different path when choosing the musical. ‘Well to be honest, we acted out of fear I’m not gonna lie, it was just gonna be really fucking awkward to have to cast the main role’.

I asked them what they were planning to say to the successful auditionee for the role of the hunchback and the call was going to go something like ‘Hey you’ve really got social pariah vibes and

to “not look into it, we definitely are, right?”.

you’ve really got the look we’re after!’ Just every musical theatre kid, amirite folks haha. In the end the society decided that they should pick a show in which they had more suitable casting choices in their members, so they decided to go with ‘Lads and Birds’, a jukebox musical, set in Dicey’s. ‘Listen, we just figured we’re gonna give everyone a couple of sticks of the good stuff, hit a few bumps and fucking send it on stage’.

Under recent new management TMT is now proudly sponsored by Leinster Rugby, the lads,lads,lads™ and your dad, the CEO of PWC. Catch ‘Lads and Birds’ for it’s week-long run in Apres Ski, January 2022!

Ness. TN, who are chuffed having finally done something less shit than UT, have now turned their Twitter into an official Irish Times hate account, posting the home addresses of IT contributors everyday until the boycott’s demands are met. When The Piranha asked Trinity News to comment on UT’s decision to join the boycott, the same Johnathan Van Ness gif was sent back.

“We want to stand with the trains community,” the poorly spell checked article concluded. The statement was signed

by Emer Moreau (editor), Emer Tyrrell (assistant editor) and Frans Jenner (totally real trans person who totally writes for UT).

Movember ‘21: The Return of the Pedo-Stache It is yet again the time of year when those who were cursed by an evil witch at birth to be attracted to the male species are subjected to inchworms making their way onto men’s upper lips. But while DILF lovers rejoice, some spend their time hidden in the shadows, ashamed by their harrowing lack of testosterone.

One man, Naoise Kennedy-Ó’Bradaigh, preempted his seasonal depression this year in his Movember attempts. “I thought the lads would be supportive but as soon as I walked in for prinks, they ripped the shit out of me. Did those infographics mean nothing?”

After weeks of constant harassment about his unsettlor look, he decided to make use of the

counselling service but only got a response after a month with a link to the WikiHow article “How to Stop Wrecking People’s Heads.”

Founder of Movember and men’s rights activist Chad Surfbro spoke on cases such as this saying, “I mean, yeah, the point of Movember is to support men’s mental and physical health but if you’re such a soy boy that you can’t even grow a mustache, do you really count as a man?”

A quick poll has revealed that 90% of Trinners agree with Surfbro’s statement with one write-in response that is generally attributed to Jack Kennedy saying that “I wish I had a pedo-stache, it would move things along a lot faster.”

This Day in History

1472 Doyle ancestors pledge to wenchboss, flintlight, cavekeep.

1989 Jack Kennedy Rowling starts to go by “JK”.

2022 TMT stage whitest musical of all time in apology for JCS bl*ckface incident.

2053 Lecky renamed “2.2 Library” in bid for historical accuracy

2070 Players shows still at half capacity because they’re shit

3021 Holographic projection Olehmeyer promises 300 TBalls on election.

“

Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt

”

“I had hair but I kicked it ouh ov me head after it couldn’t provide a valid covid cert” -bald Pav man on the origins of his name “Fuck I’m gonna cum”

-BESS student eating a burrito

-some boring shite bag “iT’s GrEAt tHe clUBs aRe OpEN”

-undersocialised man desperate for his hole, screaming into the ear of every woman in Coppers

“Two lines chief, two lines” -not the perch man, just a lad to his dealer of a Tuesday afternoon

“I should be trusted with adult scissors. I shall not stab my editorial team on the 16th of De-

“Anyone else absolutely fucked for this Trinity end of the earth exam? Had no clue I was even taking the elective.”

-Emer Moreau, unprompted

“Let’s do a Kris Kindle!”

-the course unsettlor

-blissfully ignorant History student

Notes From The Throne Ciao, mein lieblings, Same, same, but different. The jolly sounds of merriment are echoing around the cobblestones of The College of the Holy and Undivided Trinity but now muffled by the looming threat of the “pANdEmiC”. The Hist can orgy again but now with that covid cert rigmarole that really kills the mood. Law lads can once more harass nurses in coppers but only until they turn into pumpkins at midnight. And the Arrowsmiths have returned to their problematic ways but Greg is still 4 foot 7.

Here too at The Piranha, everything has changed yet stayed the same.

Gone are the years when Ivanna Bacik refused to sell our paper in the SU shop for being a sexist glad rag. Now we mask our misogyny by sneering into the void of our echo chamber at the transgressions of Trinity’s great and good. Keep that shit internalised, folks.

So, dear reader, enjoy this issue safe in the knowledge that no matter how fearful you are of exam season, winter lockdowns, or having to explain your coke nail to aunty Debra at Christmas dinner, you’ll get through it the same emotionally repressed sap you always have been.

As they say: a family row is for Christmas, but Daddy issues are forever.

Stay safe, Hugh and Ellen xxx

“Jaysus, they should get rid of this daylight savings nonsense!”

The Piranha Editors: Ellen Higgins Hugh O’Leary Senior Writers: Claire Brennan Curtis Winkelmann Hector Wright Staff Writers: Lucy Rice Jenny Maguire Bea Lynch Ellen Collins Álanna Hammel The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, perhaps try learning that jokes aren’t necessarily things people believe but are instead, jokes. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are

fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious.

The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former.

The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case.

The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking.

The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

An Open Letter to Those People Who Make Mini Video-Montages of Their Weekend No one cares. I know it looks cool, but no one cares. Stop making us feel bad that we spent the entire time rewatching National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets and violently sweating. We don’t know if you have noticed yet, but none of you are real adults. So why are you acting like one? These videos are documenting the life of someone who should be 54 years old — not someone who has just received the ability to urinate out of their genitals without having to ask for permission.

Ok, sure, you’re living with your partner in an apartment doing adult things, but it’s all make believe…

Don’t you get it? You are just pretending to be mature. And I know that many people will argue that all adulthood really is pretending to be mature, but let’s not get deep here,

ok? Let’s stick to facts; your body rots and ages.

So, why not wait for that time to croche a scarf and drink red wine. We are still young. Get drunk on cheap petrol and wear the same jumper five days in a row. Do the other weird, aesthetic stuff later on, when your brain is melting and your grandkids are grandteens with grand attitudes.

P.S. Cooking in big fancy crock pots doesn’t make you an adult either.

You know what makes you an adult; slightly choking on the first piece of food you eat so you cough for the entire rest of the meal, calling people on the phone just to check in, saying the words ‘ah jeez’ and screaming when you sneeze. These are the things which constitute an adult.

Icarus’ Rejects dear y/n I thought I was your

—manic pixie dream girl—

but i read your texts… and found out i’m just your nightmare young-one or “that c*nt who wont leave you alone in the smoking area” My Trauma is/theonly/i n t e r e s t i n g/thing////about me daddy i’m just a b*y….

Standing in front of a m*n

asking him………….

TOJUSTBEAFATHERFORONCEANDALSOASKHISMATEINPWDEECETOGETMEAJOB

Trinity Security Guards: Where are they now?

Security Man #462 You couldn’t pick this generic character out of line-up because you never bothered to look up at him as you swiped your T Card.

Also because he literally has no face. He is so generic that the front of his head consists of a blurred canvas of lines which mereTCD’s requirements for security ly hint at possible features. Nobody noticed this guards revealed because of how bright his With Trinity campus reopen- lovely Trinity Security highvis jacket is. We found him ing to the general public, we caught up with the secu- on Nassau Street telling bus loads of Texans that Book rity guards hired to ensure only students, staff, and the of Kells tickets could be bought using the QR code majority of the American behind them.

Mid-West were allowed onto campus for the past The Sound Lad year. Now unemployed, we Even in the dark cloud of a caught up with these lost pandemic, this silver lining souls who wander Dublin’s emerged. He was a helping streets asking for student hand. A cheerful smile. A IDs. real human being. When he

saw you fumbling at your pockets for your card, he’d nod for you to come on through with the quiet reassurance of the father you wish you had. He was a man who lived by his own rules and reason. We found him in New Square, hugging an emotionally stunted Law student and whispering “it’s okay, it’s not your fault”. I miss you Dad The Scary Tiny Woman Hell hath no fury like this particular woman. Her righteous rage was fuelled by a Napoleon complex and an unfathomable lust for enforcing regulations. You could not run. You could not hide. This woman was going to check your fucking T card even if it cost her her life. Our intrepid reporters could not find this woman.

No doubt, she has found

another just cause somewhere on this green globe and is defending it with the manic fury of a fresher who just discovered bag.

The Invisible Man Some mornings you’d walk in and notice that the security booth was empty. You’d still scan your card out of courtesy. Or maybe because it felt like there was someone...something...watching you. We don’t know if he was just lazy or just harder to spot than Jack Kennedy in a crowd, but the invisible security man kept this campus safe from his lair in the shadows. We have searched far and wide for Trinity’s silent guardian and our reports tell us that he now has a solid gig in the Campanile ringing the bell at random times while students walk beneath.

Greg For...Ants?!?

IN ///O U T

Alright fuckers, put out your rollies and pull up your britches cause we got a new insectoid in town! That’s right, just when you thought you had FINALLY voted for a decent ENTs officer Greg’s turned out to be just another ANTS Officer.

Look, we know how this term worked out for you. You bought your vintage cowboy boots and green jeans because TikTok told you they were cool. But that didn’t help you make any mates in first year Business and Polish, did it Sarah? So as we huddle for warmth around the rollies outside the Art’s Block, here’s the definitive list of what’s in and what’s out this term:

“what is this? A school for ants?” – Derek Zoolander (Drama Studies and Spanish) That’s right Derek – that’s exactly what he wants. For years now the role of ENTs Officer has been nothing more than a front for dirty, scheming little ants who want nothing more than miniaturise Trinity to “break the cycle”, whatever that means. Following in the long line of ANTS Officers such as Hugh “Thorax” McInerney and Judith “Six Legs” Robinson, Gerg 4Ants Arrowsmith (weird name) is similarly seeking to bring about their nefarious, tiny, teeny-weeny plan: to make all of Trinity equally as tiny as his shortshortshort little body.

Remember those two Freshers’ Weekeses? What did you think they were for? They were just a ploy to allow Gegr to safely explore campus in his teeny-tiny little red jacket when no one could accidentally squash him. Having scanned the campus Grge has now moved on to constructing the new TCD (Tiny College Dublin) modules: Fucking the Queen and then Dying (and Film), Lifting Ten Times your Bodyweight (and Politics) and Hive Mind 101 (contact the Phil for more!).

But fear not my non-mandibled comrades! All is not yet lost!

Ants officers’ biggest opponents are the MSISS students. Coldblooded lizards who command an army of cold, unfeeling silicon bodies found in the depths of the Hamilton labs chattering things like “mommy milkers”, “animetiddies” and “sorry I can’t go I’m studying computer science”.

Also wading into the fight is Provost of Trinity College, and wellknown frog, Linda Doyle. Doyle made a statement during the week when Greeg finally revealed his clacking mandibles to the world: “All flies, ants, beetles, wasps and anyone without a TCard will be referred to the Junior Dean for immediate consumption. Also, I fucking love eating insects. I am a frog.”

More to come on this disturbing story…

In Bag is in Kissing your roomates is in Clubs are in (until 12)

Out Exams are out (amiritekids?)

Emotional availability is out Antigen tests are out

Humanities gallery is Science gallery is out in Societies are out ‘Doing fuck all, you know yourself mate’ Final year is outtt is in Having no facial hair Overnight guests are is out (haha, virgins) in (Oi oi) Sex is out Kissing is in Drinking is out Meth is in Non-baby related Boss Baby 2 Family blockbusters are out Business is in Bread 41 is out The free chocolate from Butler’s is in Bisexuality is in

Literotica is out Emer Moreau is out

Ents to ‘kill two birds with one stone’ by incorporating anti-spiking security measures into their upcoming post-9/11 War on Terror event Have you ever wanted to feel safe while dancing in a cloud of smoke meant to symbolize the uncertainty of life after 9/11? Well now you can! Greg “Tiny” Arrowsmith has announced the biggest party of the year, saying that it will “tower above any Ents event ever before… wait don’t you fucking dare make a height joke about towers I am not that short I am just a little below average, I swear to fucking god.”

After presenting their tickets, all attendees will be subjected to airport security-style checks, complete with the full body scanner machine so that Greg can finally catch a glimpse of some tits. Any discovered needle-wielding creeps will

get to choose between imprisonment in the ‘Guantanamo Bay’ or ‘Abu Ghraib’ corner.

fucking hated them.

While the Ents team says that this theme has been cleared by their anWhen getting ready, you better channel ti-racist team made up of their many your inner Paris Hilton because outfits people of color that work with them, are 2000s themed and playing dumb is student leaders say otherwise. No Musthe only way you can get through this lim or Middle Eastern student was willevening without significant amounts of ing to speak openly on this topic but moral questioning. Once inside the par- several gave anonymous comments that ty, students will get to boogy to Y2K hits were mostly a variation of the phrase like Britney Spears and Shakira as well “are you fucking kidding me?” as remixes of Fox News clips defending the war on terror. The signature cocktail Ents is currently drafting a very thoughtof the evening will be the “WMD”. At ful and spelling error free Instagram the end of the night, there will be a trib- story in case the backlash actually might ute to American leaders who lost their affect them. reelection campaigns because people

Op-Ed: You’re not going on the Skier?

Another society trip. Aren’t you excited? It sold out in twenty-four seconds! Didn’t you get a ticket? No? You’re only human you say? That’s going to be so so so bad for you. These trips are usually the single greatest events of people’s miserable lives. My mother went when she attended Trinity back in ‘89 and said it was genuinely better than the day I was born.

So, even if you don’t have any equipment, even if you don’t have any money right now, and even if you don’t have a clue how to ski, find a ticket to this.

These trips are what student loans and hospitals were invented for. And think about the social aspect.

Oh my god, the juicy, succulent social aspect. Christ, can’t you taste it? Socialising with people you sort of know and drinking alcohol while doing it. Doesn’t the thought of it all just make you want to rip off your skin and bathe in the blood of a thousand B.N.O.C.s?

If you miss this trip you’re basically putting your hand up and saying “I don’t want to make friends in college.

I want to live a boring life and die alone surrounded by nothing but dust and the built up regrets of my past. I also have never had sex…” That is what you are saying by not attending this trip.

Societies are a family, and they want to welcome you and your beautiful money with open arms! But not literally of course. They can’t be seen hugging an unknown. But you know, metaphorically hugging you from an anonymous, safe distance. So, it’s time to break out the cash you were saving up to spend on your family’s Christmas presents and buy a pair of rose tinted goggles.

This week, at the Grents HQ...

Students go fucking mental for boxes of free masks It’s been reported that 38 students have been injured, all scabby bastards, at the Nassau Street entrance of College last Tuesday following what some are calling “Maskpede”.

The sudden rush of students was prompted by a fresh arrival of masks, and not the minging blue ones you have to tie around your head like a sap. All elastic stringed, prime for turtle strangling after one use, baby.

11 ambulances were called to the scene to respond to the horrific volume of injuries, including one student who “loik totally wrecked [his] shoulder” and has to now “see his PT about this.There’s no way I’ll make the Leinster sub-academy waiting list now”.

We asked the student if his bloody nose was okay following the incident, to which he replied “ah yeah, that’s just all the bag”.

English tutorial blown away by the insights of lost American tourist Members of a 10am English tutorial had a special guest last Tuesday; one student claimed he “expanded my entire understanding of not only the text but the entire human experience”, while a second completely broke with the knowledge of how inadequate her analytical abilities were. Witnesses claim that the T.A. begged him to be her PhD advisor after class. To the shock of all however, Gary Horton is not an English student - in fact, he had not even read the text in question. Piranha can exclusively reveal that Gary was simply a visitor from Wisconsin, with an interest in a different kind of text - the Book of Kells.

“Yeah, um. I guess it was all just a big mix up. I was wandering around campus for hours - I kept asking people for directions but

“The Garden of Girthy Shites”

their thick British accents threw me off. Oh - Irish? Whatever. I think all the cigarette smoke outside the Arts Building made me black out. Next thing you know, I was up on the fourth floor and mid-sentence about the juxtaposition of the postmodern connotations and the thematic layers of the stream-of-consciousness Gothic satirical epistle narrative.”

In retrospect, some of the students say they should have known; they didn’t remember him being annoying in the course groupchat - not to mention he actually hit six feet in height. Still, they are glad about the mixup it reminded them why they chose this degree in the first place— other than their love for fanfiction at 14—the ability to waffle their way to a 2.2.

Exclusive Interview with the Buttery’s Vegan Sausage Roll Vegan Sausage Roll sits in front of me; his skin gleaming in the light. He’s wearing a delicate, flaky pastry.

The one Trinity students recognise almost immediately at this stage. He’s got a sense of charisma; one that can make anyone understand why he has had such an impact at the Buttery.

wants a vegan sausage roll, that the whole point of a sausage roll is for there to be some sausage! I wish they could see me now.

Of course they more than likely won’t because they’re only wanted once a year, like.”

few solo acts in the Buttery.

“It’s always been me, and it’s always gonna be just me. Sure, you can serve me with Chips. Vegetables and Potatoes if you’re feeling healthy. Once I was coupled with Quorn Chicken Nuggets. You’ve no idea how much that hurt. To be asSince his birth in 2019, Veg- sociated with someone like an Sausage Roll has spent them. You know what they every day on the charts say; you’re brought into Each question is followed in the canteen at Trinity. this world alone, and you by a slight snigger and “They’re saying I’m part of come out of it alone. Except smirk in response. He’s the the furniture at this stage,” I wasn’t alone when I was one all the vegans want, he scoffs, “Sally Rooney brought into this world, to and he knows it. spent what…something like be honest. I was part of a “Starting off was hard,” he twenty-six weeks on the baker’s dozen of other sauconfesses to Piranha, “evbestsellers list. I’m telling sage rolls just like me.” eryone doubting me, saying you, I’m the same as her.”

I’d never make it. I rememWith rumours of a statber at one stage, I got into An interesting element of ue being erected in his a massive fight with Turkey Vegan Sausage Roll’s suchonour, we want to know and Ham. They said no one cess is that he is one of the about the other twelve (or

is it thirteen… or eleven… how many is a baker’s dozen?) Vegan Sausage Rolls that accompanied this star before success.

“Most of them didn’t make it,” he hangs his head, “I guess that’s just how baking is. Sometimes there’s only one or two that can make it through the heat, the kneading and the cooling period.”

Vegan Sausage Roll is evidently the classic tragic hero from this scarring experience. “Hey, it wasn’t just me,” he laughs, “my brother made it big too. He’s the Vegan Sausage Roll at Gay Spar, and I hear he’s going for €4.50 a pop.”

✨Photo Dump✨

Quiz Corner Can you guess the themes for Ents’ upcoming events?

Please let us know your guesses by going to the campanile at 11 pm on the 5th of November and whispering them into the ear of George Salmon (not the statue).

Arts Block students now jumping into vats of bleach in new trend The trend of bleaching everything from your head hair to your leg hair has reached a boiling point recently as a number of DUDJ members have begun ritualistic dunkings of their bodies into vats of bleach. According to one of the 3,876 DJs in Trinity, this new trend is “like a way cooler version of the ice bucket challenge, without the distractions of the charities and shit, and also we get to look rly (sic) sick.”

As a result there have been a number of mistaken sightings of that famous albino monkey that pops up on the internet every now and then. Linda Doyle has also been swift in quashing the rumours that Tom Felton was on the premises to give a talk at the orgy society also known as the Hist.

Speculation is still rife as to where and when these dunkings are taking place. A popular theory is that they take place in Workmans after 12am. These reports are not confirmed but keep an eye out for Varadkar’s upcoming frosted tips