The Piranha 2019 Edition 3 - Election Special

Bitter, Jaded, Resentful Edition

Politics

Crime

Nightlife

Spring 2019

"Let’s call the Dalai Lama’s stance on the DU Boat Club hazing scandal what it really is - Silent Consent" - pg 80

After alleged 'theft' Comms Officer McLean's Laptop appears on Donedeal under €70,000 price tag - pg 6.5 x 108

Drugs, Orgies, Wolves: The inside scoop on Law Ball - pg 198

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INSIGHT:

How to distance yourself from the alt-right orgy you instigated. -pg 3087

The

Could changing your name to RON help you win the Comms race? - pg 419 7675024

Piranha

"A somewhat hamfisted attempt at satircal humour" - Press Ombudsman

Crowdsourcing Sham EXPOSED: The Coronas Fanboy Flood Rigs ‘Democratised’ Trinity Ball Vote

Bitter, Jaded, Resentful Edition, Spring 2019

Rejected TSM Courses Apathetic Man

O ut O f Focus

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Ahhh I'm very dizzy please help

Nestled away in what has been a turbulent academic year was a revamping of the the TSM initiative wherein some courses were cut and some other ones were changed. One of The Piranha’s sources on the inside has been able to communicate to through elaborate hand signals a list of rejected TSM Courses that didn’t quite make the cut. So here goes, Wowee this list of (amount) will most likely shock you or also possibly not. Whatever.

1. Computer Science & Computer Religion You know the committee were actually all for this one with the whole 'including all the religions thing' but the course required a state of the art cyberchapel beneath the Hamilton and an entire week in March for the “Machine Uprising”. Unfortunately this did not fit into the already ridiculous construction budget or the academic calendar so it was “deux points” from the man in the high castle.

Student Issues: Like Regular Issues But Happening To Students? No!

2. Marine Biology & Marianne Biology This course promises to teach students about the awe inspiring world that thrives in our oceans. It would cultivate an appreciation for the vast plethora of life that so many of us have little to no knowledge about. And what’s happening with that girl Marianne, am I right?! We’ve all seen her walking with intent around the campus (actually now that I mention it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her not walking … hm weird, that might be a different story). What is with her? What makes her tick? Or what makes her tock? Well she’s certainly the talk of the town.

I’m sure we all would have been interested to have a look at her pancreas. The course was regrettably scrapped when the committee found out the Marianne had actually transferred to UCD. I reached out for a comment and she told me the move was because of “this sort of carry on”, which now that I think about it is pretty understandable. Well done Marianne. Go and live your life.

3. European Studies & English More of a sick joke really. Poor form.

4. History of Art, Architecture & Jazz This one didn’t really make sense from a content point of view, it seems that the idea behind this was to increase engagement from those students who roll up the cuffs of their grandad's trousers. This one was rejected pretty quickly when they realised that, like all the magical, 'transcedental' nights out you've had this term, the trousers would be forgotten about by the start of the summer.

5. Time travel & Conspiracy Theories The idea for this course came from a piece of paper that had been slipped into the pillowcase of one of the committee members. Quirky right? There never really was an exact description of the course because every time the committee tried to talk about it, each member was over come with an ominous feeling of dread. Haha probably a coincidence, we won’t read into that one. The course unfortunately didn't make it to end of the consideration process due to an event wherein a student suddenly appeared out of thin air in the committee room urging the members not to put this course in the TSM programme. This mysterious student proceeded to explode. Steps to cover up this death were not taken as there was no record of this student ever being enrolled in any course at Trinity College except for “Time Travel and Conspiracy Theories”. All the members shrugged their collective shoulders and said in said union “Hm well you don’t see that every day”. They then decided not to look any further into it. And good on them I say. It was sunny out that day.

"Honestly, if you're not stressed about academic things or feeling a bit sad after a week of binge drinking don't even come near me because it's not a student issue"

The Piranha’s Guide to becoming the perfect SU candidate

We’ve all been there. You fancy a position on the SU the CV Benefits are to die for, “sabbatical officer” is a job that should get your parents off your back, and in any case, all of the grad schemes you’ve applied for have fallen through.

There’s a problem, though. Your campaign is just a bit, well, dull. Too straight. Too white. Too male.

These days, anyone who hopes to top the polls needs to have some experience of discrimination. In a place like Trinity nothing gives you more social capital than being historically and structurally oppressed.

Here, then, is the Piranha’s guide to pretending that you, too, are a minority, and worthy not only of people’s pity, but crucially their votes. Follow these easy steps, and before long you’ll be appropriating the legitimate struggle of marginalised individuals even better than disgraced former leader of the NAACP Rachel Dolezal!

• If you’ve got it, flaunt it - Have you ever asked

yourself if maybe, despite the fact that your dad is a supreme court judge, you actually ARE a minority? Crucial here is working with what you’ve got: anything, no matter how small, can be made to seem equivalent to being the victim of major historical atrocities. Do you wear glasses?

Call yourself “visually impaired”. Live in a giant house that's actually outside of Dublin? Honey you're 'working class'. Got dreads on holiday and wear a few too many layers of fake tan? Maybe you are actually a person of colour. In your late twenties? Take any excuse to cry ageism. It’s all about the narratives.

• Make the most of a bad situation - if worst comes to worst, and you’re one of those unfortunate individuals who actually DOES play life on easy mode, your best approach is deception.

Here, previous SU candidates provide plenty of inspiration. Daire Hennessy, for example, has this year adopted the crafty strategy of always wearing pink t-shirts, in the hope that the colour’s

cultural association with femininity will make people think that it’s in fact him that’s the sole female candidate. And how many Presidential candidates in the past have made a big deal out of the fact that they’re Gaelgeoirí? This deep inside the pale, you can usually convince people that the penal laws still apply - something sure to give you an air of noble oppression.

• Blame capitalism - if all else fails, fall back on that classic position: “Under capitalism, we are all victims”. Six words that are guaranteed to convince people that you, a Belvedere alumnus with two houses, are as marginalised as the rest of us.

Keep this advice in mind, and you too can leverage the very same identity politics intended to give a voice to the voiceless and call out legitmate instances of discrimination to appeal to a broad campus of gullible, passionate intelligentsia desperate to be woke! Who knew oppression could be so much fun!

Bitter, Jaded, Resentful Edition, Spring 2019

2019

Piranha editor has casual sex ruined by SU Wallplanner and the cold lifeless eyes of Paraic McLean

2021

Jerico Alcaras ascends to godhood after release of Intergalactic HipHop 2

2002

Luke Rynne Cullen has his first inapropriate thought about puppets

2000

Niamh McCay sells her first pill

2021

Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt

“Honestly it was great fun when I dressed up like a nazi and started a right wing publication for students, but who could've seen this coming?

-Founding member on the current state of the Burkean

“You know the rowers use hazing as a barrier to entry, but are fiercely loyal once you’re in. The Phil on the other hand are desperate for you to join, but the psychological hazing continues well into your 4 years”

NOTES FROM THE THRONE

1.

You are deluded into thinking you can actually make things better. You and you alone. This college is in need of a saviour and that saviour must be you.

It’s not complex. Also those other SU presidents were ineffective geezers, but you, well you have just the right mix of ambition and buzzwords to pull Trinity out of this nosedive and into the communist utopia you know would work if only you were in charge. And in order to make things better you need a platform, right? And a salary. And a city centre apartment. How is any protest going to be successful without your shiny face at the front harping repetitive cliches into a decade old megaphone.

2. You're a final year Arts student who's terrified to try and make it in the real world so plan on hanging around campus as long as possible.

3. You want the gaff.

“Racism? That’s the thing they do in the Olympics isn’t it?”

- sole Welfare candidate Aisling Leen

“For a while, my shoes were a size too small, that’s a disability too!”

- Comms candidate Muirenn Kane trying to make herself “relatable”

"The Phil is deeply sorry for any offense cause by [insert greivance] and is committed to doing better next time."

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JS Debater opens up about a life of regret

SU Rebrands Hustings as “Big Wet Sexy Debate Time” in Desperate Bid to Increase Engagement

Doesn’t it make you sick to your goddamn stomach? All of it. Every facet of this bizarre fortnight leaves us with our collective heads in our collective hands.

You can’t even enjoy the brief stroll to that lecture you don’t really want to go to without an over enthusiastic first year shoving a brightly coloured, unreadable, lump of dead tree in your face. Don’t you know the world is dying? Print is a dead medium fellas. We’d know. If you’re not dropping sick intergalactic hip hop beats, we don’t want to hear about it. In our eyes, you only run for an SU position for one of 3 reasons:

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So which is it? All three you say?! Well fire up the Facebook (unless you’re the greatest comms Queen this campus has ever seen. What may seem to others to be a really cleverly crafted joke campaign, is ultimately a reflection on what the SU is, a silly piece of snapchat art.) and start copy and pasting a generic message to anyone you’ve ever breathed on.

And, if at any time you think this paper is ‘mean’ or ‘petty’ or ‘sad’ well then friend you don’t know the half of it. Because as lame as the SU candidates may be, the only thing lamer is putting more work into an obsessive, bitter, 20-minutesworth-of-slight-giggles paper than you have your thesis in the last 3 weeks. If at any point a candidate is upset by anything in The Piranha please take solace in the fact that you are objectively better in each measurable dimension that the disgusting gremlin hunched over their computer, sitting in a disgusting room, having not showered for days making resentful jokes about their credulous peers who are just earnestly trying to improve their community. We may be able to make people exhale through their noses at an alarming rate, but we can never fill the void in our souls.

If this manages to reach you before voting ends, we urge you to go out and use the power of democracy to force the funniest combination of people to live together next year. It’s like big brother but backwards.

All of our love, Sophei and Nev xxx

Phil

President's email template

signature

The Perenah

Editors: Conor Nevin Sophie Cassidy Contributors:

Jack [No you CAN'T say that] Synnott Shane [Please stop being innapropriate] Kenneally Jack [Token straight white man] Dolan Andy [Could pass for a mature student?] Mcloughlin Jack [Of the glasses persuasion] Counihan Aisling [Token woman] Clarke Conor [Soft] Lamb Callum [Man I dont know] Mcgloughlin Hiram [Real life minority] Harrington

The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, perhaps try learning that jokes aren't necessarily things people believe but are instead,

jokes. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

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Bitter, Jaded, Resentful Edition, Spring 2019

It is Time to Face Reality: Sally Anne McCarthy is a Goddamn Nerd There come defining moments in the run of every respected paper of record when it's fundamental principles are tested.

The candidacy of Sally Anne McCarthy has brought one such moment to bear on this humble periodical. For years The Piranha has attempted to provide a neutral voice in college discourse – providing clear eyed, objective reporting on the news as it unfolds. Ever since its founder, Edward M. Piranha established the paper in 1864 with the motto “This isn’t a fucking joke”, we have sworn against resorting to the petty, slanderous shit-stirring of our contemporaries. All this is to say that it is not without a sense of trepidation that The Piranha has decided to break with its long-standing tradition of impartiality to speak the truth which must be spoken: Sally Anne McCarthy is nothing but a foureyed poindexter and she should go back to Dweebville because that’s where she’s from.

Before going any further, it is imperative that some facts be established. Sally Anne McCarthy does astrophysics, she is in the SU, and she cares about education.

This alone should get her a ticket on the loser train, but unfortunately only puts her on a par with the wheezebags who have preceded her. But a deeper

look into her campaign reveals a pattern of behaviour which sets a much more disturbing precedent for campus-wide discourse. McCarthy launched her candidacy by introducing herself on her Facebook page as Sally Anne, “or Sal if you prefer”, establishing a criminally awkward tone for the campaign by giving herself a nickname and asking us to use it. Since then, she has released a promotional video containing a flowcharts and laboured metaphors, and has worn short sleeves over long sleeves at multiple hustings. Sally Anne, if you’re reading, the noughties called, and they want you to know you’re a fucking disgrace.

Of course, this kind of brazen nerdholery cannot exist outside of a context in which it has come to be seen as acceptable. In the past decade, a worrying trend has emerged wherein it has become normal to treat even the greasiest of brainoids as if they were human, even desirable. Terms like Geek-chique, adorkable, and smexy have entered the lexicon, contributing to an unsustainable equilibrium wherein both men and women are expected to aspire to be something more than just a hot piece of ass. It is these ideas which are at the core of the smartypants agenda, and at the core of McCarthy’s pro-

education ideology.

So far, this ideology of McCarthyism has managed to remain largely under the radar, shrowded in a cloak of red hair dye and performative allyship.

Unable to separate signal from noise, the mainstream Trinity media has relied on euphemism, calling McCarthy “competent” and “displaying an obvious knowledge of what the role entails”, but the time has come for The Piranha to call a duck a duck: Sally Anne McCarthy is an anaemic, snot-wiping McLovin in female form, and we’re not about to give a fifteen grand salary to a big melt like that.

“Ooooh look at me, I do a science course!

I’ve amounted to something my parents don’t have to be ashamed of! I can look myself in the mirror wheneeeever I want!”

That’s what she sounds like, probably.

For years, Big Nerd has dominated politics in Trinity College, but no more. It’s time for honest, hardworking beefcakes like us to take a stand. For the SU, for democracy, for the sake of this university’s bad boy image: vote RON.

Yes We Kane! Candidate Muirenn Kane Reveals Rejected Campaign Slogans “Take Back Control”. “I’m Loving it”. “Arlene for First Minister”. We all know how important a good slogan can be. Slogans, your intro to political science lecturer will tell you, drum up support, boost engagement, other buzzwords. But what do the best slogans have in common? The answer, of course, is bad puns.

On this front, sole comms candidate in the SU Elections, Muireann Kane, has hit the nail on the head. “Yes we Kane”. So simple. So obvious. So beautiful. Not just a pun - an imperfect pun. Coming up with words that actually rhyme is for nerds. And unlike other downright contemptible sabbatical candidates, SALLY, Muireann Kane is anything but a nerd. We at the Piranha would like to take this opportunity to fully endorse & applaud Kane for giving the annual SU elections the respect and dedication that they deserve.

A hands-down ring-yer-granny winner like this, though, doesn’t come about in a vacuum. Indeed, the Piranha can exclusively reveal that Kane’s campaign slogan went through no less than “a few” iterations. We heard the slogans, we ventured into the void, we watched time and space itself crumble at the sheer perfection. We present the best for you here, that you may marvel at Kane’s linguistic virtuosity.

From the beginning, Kane went for the American angle.

“A totally different set of elections, in a different country, with no bearing on this campaign, seemed like the perfect place to look for inspiration” she told the Piranha.

Early attempts were rough around the edges, but the crucial flash of genius which adorns her posters today was there from the beginning. “I’m Kane Her” was rejected, for fears that it played too much towards “the feminist vote”. “Keep Kane with Coolidge” was far too niche.

“Prosperity for America’s Kanes”, some feared, could seem exclusionary.

“Around half way through,” Kane told us, “we realised that it worked better if the original word actually rhymed with Kane”. It was here that the ball really started rolling.

“Make America Great aKANE”, “A ChicKANE In Every Pot”,

“It’s the e-KANE-omy, Stupid!”. You could get a two week campaign for an inconsequential election out of any of those, and still have time for dinner.

Still, Kane didn’t give in. Focus group after focus group told her that "it didn't really matter" and "perhaps you should learn graphic design" but she heroically persevered. Every artist, in their own sense, is a sculptor, chiselling away at a massive block of shit until a tiny, perfect turd emerges. Kane is no different. Barack Obama who? Her final campaign slogan gets the message across perfectly - her campaign for a minor student union position is literally as important as America’s first black president. If that doesn’t make you want to masturbate in front of a picture of some candy canes, we don’t know what would.

Cat adorned t-shirt, functional hairstyle, glasses, mini... space... thing.

Is this the type educational representative you want?

Analysis: Is Jerico Eligible To Run For Ents?

Ents Candidate Jerico Alcaras’ candidacy has been called into question, not because he is not technically an undergraduate, and likely constitutionally ineligible to run for the student’s union, no… nobody cares about that.

The really issue is that, despite being by far the coolest, best and most qualified candidate in the Ents race it has unfortunately come to light that he is, in fact, a city in Palestine. The strength of the SU constitution is now being put to the test to see whether an undergraduate student union can allow a city to run for Ents, all the while being a masters student.

Questions have been called into Jerico’s ability to be fully focused on campus events considering he is located near the Jordan River in the West Bank. Whilst all successful candidates get free accommodation, providing accomodation for all 18,346 residents of Jerico could prove a challenge. The student body, although we are assured, love their union, may not like the required campus sacrifices to ensure Jerico can live in front square.

Other issues have arisen when Jerico accidentally kicked a pebble in the direction of would-be UT editor McNetanyahu, who responded with three Jerico III Inter-continental Ballistic Missiles (Woah, weird coincidence!) Jerico laughed off the issue, claiming it to be “part of the fireworks display that will make me the best candidate ever yeah muthafuckas come on baby woah it’s my shot yo”. Jerico’s recent attempts to charge €1 for his campaigning event was met with scrutiny, when the Piranha questioned him on this decision Jerico stated that “this money would help me rebuild my town square”, and it is these kinds of “charitable acts” that will set him aside from other ents candidates: the boring but qualified one and the aggressively trying to be alt one.

Jerico has tried to boost his candidacy with the suggestion of a two-ents solution, sharing the responsibilities of ents officers with one of the other candidates. So far responses to this has involved heavy beatings from the other candidates and an odd regulation of the food Jerico receives.

Bitter, Jaded, Resentful Edition, Spring 2019

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What's Hot // What's Not From the annals of the Trinity tunnels A winding maze of murky dark tunnels twists beneath the campus and dwelling within a horrific creature few have ever laid eyes on. Eagerly eavesdropping on conversations thought private this monstrosity tells us what's poppin' in Trinity

HOT

NOT

Nurses and Midwives:

As IF I would place these fine public sector employees in ANY category other than Hot. There's lines to cross and swords to fall on but I for one will never, nonae never infer that those beautiful souls out there who wipe our bums, change our bandages and switch Grandma off after one too many pavement falls are anything other than benevolent. The nurses are in all contexts, in every scenario, entirely right. Nurses & Midwives are superior in every way to Doctors, Politicians, Religious leaders and Cosmic forces of the perceivable universe. No question - zero tolerance, if you are not with, you are against. Stand with Nurses & Midwives or fall under their collective might as the statues topple, world order crumbles and the paradigm shifts. Arbeit macht frei.

Buying your TBall ticket anyway:

What could be more in vogue than entirely reneging on all your vocal, public declarations of abstention and boycott in order to spend €91 on an extensive diatribe about how “TBall’s never been about the music lads yanno”. Excuse me for the eye roll but I’d rather be spilling cheap amphetamines in the portaloos and ignoring texts from that one wrekt friend who’s “so lost but I’m near the tree by the light in the big place to the side with a lad who’s wearing black so I’ll meet you in 2?” Apologies hun but if you’re going to have the NECK to tell me that the San Diego song is anything but an anthemic tribute to the collective disillusionment and suffering of the Irish Diaspora then I’ll have to switch my phone to airplane and catch you at 6am when you totter out of Arás with tubes and drips in all your bits, don’t worry I’ll be sure to tell you you’ve missed nothing!

On a final note in all seriousness I’d like to say that Mabel is going to be the next Dua Lipa and you heard it here first so really, Mabel and only Mabel is what’s Hot - And wow look at that we’re out of space for this HOT or NOT but remember kids, if you whine and whine and whine and WHINE about things long enough everyone will still be able to go and have a great time without you x.

Niamh McKay:

This little pocket rocket is the perfect antidote to being bored of your education.

Mumps: I - am - bored. Honestly, has there ever been a more “common” way to prove that you’re scoring someone with inheritance money and a deep tissue groin injury? When I learned that Mumps had spread through the student body I was transported to my closeted Transition Year days, and I am deeply sorry for all of you who did peak in your teens. Your glory days shifting lads with braces who just KEPT trying to drop the finger, a lollipop in your hand, peplum on your hips and a “pain in your swollen salivary glands on one or both sides of your face followed by headaches, fever and loss of appetite.”

Yawn. As a gay man (heh or am I? The anonymity is intoxicating I’ll say that much) I’m more than familiar with the edge of your seat, breathless excitement of the clinic, and if you’re not ringing me to tell me that the results of my mouth swab were inconclusive and that I may or may not have gonorrhoea of the throat then sis I’m gonna call shade on all your 4th tier cheap-seats drama.

Speaking of recurring afflictions, has anyone seen Shane De Rís lately? Just making sure he’s healthy and well xx.

Comment Trolls They’re backkkkkkkk. The infallible know-it-alls who invade the comment sections of UT articles have returned to spread their musk this election season.

Watch out I hear the acne scars are contagious. The type of guy or gal who had their name embossed on their pencils in 5th class and kept their finger firmly on their lips for all of quiet time, telling you to fuck offffff for putting yourself out there cause NO! You can’t do the job they’ve never done, because you just simply and utterly well...CAN’T! How dare you even THINK you could run the student union you mere peasant, they would wipe their arse with your manifesto if they could stomach looking you in your dopey fucking eyes long enough to take a copy, but the arts block is far and they are BUSY!! Clearly you don’t even GO to Trinity if you didn’t have the foresight to anticipate the pure, unbridled, online vitriol you’d receive for being of the glasses persuasion, and a dreamer.

MacNamee’s Journal. October 12th Fox carcass in college green this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. This college is afraid of me. I have seen it's true face. The societies and sports clubs are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the hacks and SU politicians will look up and shout "Save us"... ...and I'll look down, and whisper "no."

They had a choice, all of them. They could have followed in the footsteps of good men like my father, or Patrick Prendergast.

Decent men, who believed in a day's work for a day's pay. Instead they followed the droppings of lechers and catholics and didn't realize that the trail led over a precipice until it was too late. Don't tell me they didn't have a choice.

Now the whole university stands on the brink, staring down into bloody hell, all those liberals and intellectuals and smoothtalkers... and all of a sudden, nobody can think of anything to say.

You want to know about Weston Dangler? I’ll

tell you about Weston Dangler. Once a man has seen Trinity’s black underbelly, he can never turn his back on it. Never pretend, like you do, that it doesn’t exist, no matter who orders him to look the other way.

Looked at sky through smoke heavy with human fat and God was not there. The cold, suffocating dark goes on forever and we are alone. Live our lives, lacking anything better to do. Devise reason later. Born from oblivion; bear children, hell-bound as ourselves, go into oblivion. There is nothing else.

Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long.

No meaning save what we choose to impose.

This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who hazes the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It's us.

Only us.

When asked about his plans for the year MacNamee gently whispered "None of you seem to understand... and so I found myself that night. When i beI'm not trapped on campus with you." came who i was all along. the judgment that Before screaming seperates student from beast. I live my life "YOU'RE TRAPPED ON CAMPUS WITH free of compromise, and step into the ME" shadows without complaint or regret.

He then threw a gallon of fry oil at me

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Bitter, Jaded, Resentful Edition, Spring 2019

Ents Candidate Robinson Shocked To Discover That General Student Population Aren’t Really Like DU Players At All Current DU Players Entertainments Officer and aspiring DUDJ side piece, Judith Robinson was left shocked and appalled this week when it transpired that some Trinity students don’t really like BDSMthemed, children's party motif, ecstasy-fuelled techno fests. That’s right, anyone past the Arts Block is a vanilla, missionary-with-the-lights-off, boil-in-the-bag, portrait-orientation, flannel shirt & converse, Russell Howard watching, Coppersattending loser. And they’re happy. Well, maybe not happy, but most definitely resistant to change and anything to do with glitter.

Anyone who has spent any time near the Samuel Beckett theatre will know that there is a certain Players ‘type’. Maybe you've seen them licking the loose spittle from the floor of Kojaque's latest warehouse freestyle. If you take a quick glance around the Arts Block you can spot them in their chunky Fila trainers and post-ironic cat-eye sunglasses, draped head-to-toe in neon and leopard print. Everyone involved in the arts and drama society appears to be fun-loving, socially outgoing, and comfortable in their own skin. In other words, complete and utter freaks. We can’t all be confident enough to rock 4 different cultures at once like “totally ironic” play things. Why can’t they just be like normal people, like the rest of us- insecure, cynical, awaiting death to come for us all?

Robinson boasts an impressive repertoire of innovative, unique friends who will vote for her

events, this year running everything from a kids birthday party, to a housewarming, to a ceili! Wow!

Talk about diversity!

However, what must be remembered is that these events were for people in Players. Drama kids don’t know how not to have fun. They themselves are fun; distilling it all into 4 years before it's off to minimum wage in a dying bookshop and the occasional Scene & Heard WIP until you die. Organising events for them is shooting fish in a barrel. For them, anything can be turned into a boogie, even the tortured whining of sad crack addicts on a comedown. But enough about the Coronas. Other Trinity students are not so easily pleased. How can you ‘Get Groovy’ with Distortion DJs if you’re constantly worrying about what to do with your hands?

“I just want events where people can express themselves,” said Robinson, seemingly unaware that, for anyone outside of the Drama Department, expressing oneself is a form of cruel and unusual punishment.

Her opponents come from different schools of thought. Rival Ents candidate Luke Rynne Cullen is hoping that his experience in organising events for a group of sad, awkward Trinity Orchestra losers will help in organising events for the much larger, sadder student body. Similarly, candidate Jerico Alpacas organised the “Crazy Rich Asians” Ball, which boasted an eclectic group very cool Asians and very uncool people who ‘just like Asian culture’.

No Judith, we don't really. We like Ariana Grande, milk in our coffee and staying within our fucking lane.

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Bitter, Jaded, Resentful Edition, Spring 2019

Journo's Journal Entry 1: An Entsly Excursion On my first field assignment I spent some time on behalf of the Piranha in Luke Rynne Cullen’s bedroom, crowded wall to wall with stuffed dragons and dragon figurines, with a sign on the door denoting this room to be “the dragon’s den”. Here, our ents candidate struggles to see himself as anything other than a contestant on his favourite show. It’s really pulsating stuff. I’m talking suits, investments, brisk walking business associates, percentage figures, the colour grey, all the glitz and glamour of 8pm on RTE 2.

“Yeah life’s a pitch man”, he says, arms folded with a smile which seems to be strangely stuck, “I pitch dinner to my parents, bingo bango, they invest in a takeway, I pitch my friends free jellies 24/7 and alakazam they invest in saying hi to me, and now I’m pitching Trinity to give me all of their mone…eh, their votes, their investment via vote!” The subject remains smiling. I become slightly uncomfortable.

Are his arms glued in that folded position?

After speaking to the parental figures in the home, an animatronic Grover and a full length body pillow of Judith Robinson, Rynne Cullen seemingly believes that being invited somewhere was just like securing series A funding from an angel investor, all in the pitch. At the age of 6, he got a little too animated in making his case to go to Sally’s leisureplex party and earned the designation “a bit eager”.

A label he has only struggled to shake since.

Ever the innovator the subject sought to overcome, and then, inspiration struck!

If you organise the event, an invite is kind of a given, some of the time at least, and thus his ents campaign began. “As long as I’m involved” is engraved on a plaque on the bedside table, under a photo of Luke, arms folded, strangely enough.

big bird costume. I inquire as to the reasoning for such an item. “Oh”, he says pulling more and more muppet attire with his teeth from under the bed. Unfazed, unblinking. He says “I’ve been looking for an excuse to do a collaborative event with the Hist I suppose, give me your vote and you’ll see what I mean”.

I can't say I will Luke, I can't say I will.

At this point Luke stands up, keeping his arms folded and his smile wide, and wanders towards his musical instrument, “I have music in my bones” he explains, as his cartilage creaks and pops arhythmically. “I’ve been playing music since I was about knee high, who wouldn’t invite someone to a party once they had a party piece”? He reaches for the guitar with his teeth, keeping those arms folded. I let him play wonderwall for me, he sings the entire song using one note. I hit my head against the wall.

Alas, the song ends, and we return to conversational torpor, “I encourage people to keep it lit, in fact I really hope they keep it lit. Please keep it lit, if it goes out my smile will fade and my arms will be permanently crossed for ever”. There is no urgency in his voice.

I’m just about to leave when I spot one thing out of the corner of my eye. Revealed under the bed is a sizeable

The Showdown Of The Century

Laura 'The chameleon' Beston

VS

She’s like a total hippie, and a film geek, and an activist, and a disability rights, environment, homelessness, racial equality and LGBT+ advocate, and a writer for TN, and a working class woman who travels the world, a GAA loving, downhome country girl who likes the simple things, a contemporary colleen with endless ambition, a sess hound who doesn’t drink, a public speaker, an introvert, a feminist, a welfairy, a rage against the machine antiestablishment radical who wants to be at the head of the establishment. She’s angry but nice. Salty but sweet. Ready to improve each and every aspect of everything and divert attention from nothing. And she’s got the vague platform of repetitively positive buzzwords sure to engage the vast majority of the student body that see the SU as nothing more than opportunity to cultivate a personality or, in Laura’s case, about 40.

But the question remains; despite being unnervingly nice, wildly radical and fiercely intense does any of this make for a good SU candidate when the biggest issues facing the Union aren’t a lack of protests and woke socialites but a €70,000 deficit and an engagement issue from 80% of campus who think the SU are ‘a bit too intense’

The Piranha

Want to get involved? Think you can do better? (You'd be right) Email piranhatcd@gmail.com

Daire 'The male' Hennessey He might not have plans, goals or mechanisms to achieve them but what he does have is a penis.

Daire is the ultimate woke bloke. We bet he gave Conor McGregor a fair healthy scepticism after all the homophobia stuff but pure rallied him out of it after all of the rape stuff. Good on 'ya Daire. But will Daire's 'ya going coppers?' charm, and Y chromosome be enough to see him through to the Presidency? As someone who targets sabbats trying to get their faces out there we applaud Daire for his near anonymity and ephemeral body. At times we're not even sure his mortal coil is tied to this plane! A living, soon to be buried and forgotten, testament to the popularity contest that these elections are Daire perfectly exemplifies the fact that while signalling virtue and hogging credit is something that we criticize Sabbat candidates for, it’s hard to win an election without them. We applaud Daire for highlighting the frustratingly paradoxical nature of SU elections with his reams of experience, obvious passion, and significantly smaller social media presence and friend group than the other candidate.

Bitter, Jaded, Resentful Edition, Spring 2019

Piranha Exclusive Poll Results: What Kind Of Freaks Are These People?

During the week the Piranha Editors, instead of making the paper in a reasonable and timely fashion before the elections actually occurred. Instead made google poll and sent it to all of the candidates. In a group chat that we made. And while that group chat may have quickly devolved into Conor talking about his evening at the darts and wondering why Laura Beston never replied to his tinder message, and Sophie quickly establishing a Jerico fanclub, and wondering why Laura Beston never replied to her tinder message, we gain some valuable insight into this year’s candidates, the highlights of which will be outlined below. Unfortuantely some candidates has the opportunity to weasel their way out of direct answers, as they fucking would, with an 'other' option that was swiftly removed. The only candidate to not respond, and while we threatened to label non-responders as yellow-belly punks, Jerico gets a free pass for being a bonefide legend.

A strong start from most candidates here with Ents hopeful and confirmed sociopath Judith Robinson being the only anti-dog candidate. I think we can all confidently say we hope you burn in your cat loving hell. But wait?! Presidential hopeful Laura Beston says she pro-dog, but has been photographed numerous times dressed like a cat. And this isn’t just one of my wet dreams again. Can we truly rely on a president who flip-flops on such important issues?

Does Laura have any opinions of her own or does she just "go with the flow bro?"

Another strong performance from the majority of candidates here on frankly a bit of a softball with only Comms hopeful Muireann Kane answering incorrectly. We take back what we said before about you being cool Muireann. However we’d like to make it very clear that The Piranha Editors, and writing team as a whole, are absolutely disgusted that someone, we won’t name names, would insinuate we have any fucking clue what’s going on outside The Pale, let alone “Derry”? Am I pronouncing that right? I could’ve sworn there was a capital city at the front of that.

Finally a bit of division! The majority of candidates opted for neutrality on the issue of ‘White People’ with Muireann Kane coming out a pro white people, and Judith Robinson coming out as anti white people. Well with enough thick coats of spray tan and cornrows we’re sure she won’t have to worry about self-loathing for much longer. Additionally Laura Beston labeled white people as ‘PRoBlEmAtIC’. Not sure exactly what her problem with white people is but we can’t say that we disagree Laura. We can’t say that we disagree.

The bloods barely edging out the crips here in what is sure to be a massively significant issue in this race. We can all only pray that this doesn't end in violence

All candidates showing a strong understanding of how double negation works - other than Ents hopeful Judith Robinson. Either that or she really loves human rights abuses. Or she wasn’t taking our joke poll very seriously. Either way what a downright wagon.

A personal favourite set of responses complete with absurdly idealistic calls for violent and bloody revolution as a means of repairing the climate from everyone’s favourite Mayo girl. Though perhaps if capitalism is overthrown the ensuing death and destruction would in fact reduce our global carbon footprint. But regardless nice to see the majority of candidates opt for aiming to reduce waste in lieu of progress while the population grows exponentially. See you at the water wars!

A Pro-palestine response from every candidate here other than UT Editor hopeful Donal McNamee. Not much to do but wonder what we did to deserve an anti semite as sole candidate for one of the most important... haha positions in... hahahaha... nah sorry can’t say it with a straight face yis are dusht.