The Piranha Vol. 39 Issue 1

Fresher's Edition Autumn 2017

001

Political

Economics

General

Kevin Keane Discovered to Be Three Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles Stacked on Top of Each Other

Fresher From Traditional Irish Family Excited Ahead of Four Years of Drugs, Chokers, and Anal Sex

GUIDE: How to Paper Up the Cracks in Your Substandard Bedsit With the Free Stuff You Get During Freshers’ Week

INSIGHT:

Being Pro-Choice: The New Racism? Pg 11 Obscure Sports: Why Signing Up to the Fencing Team Won’t Fill the Gaping Hole that Your Dad Left When He Walked Out - pg 24

The

Piranha

a political, economic, and general newspaper

MOST GLORIOUS PROVOST SOLVES HOUSING CRISIS

IN FOCUS 2

Fresher's Edition, Autumn 2017

The Piranha's Guide to College Where to Eat For a free dose of your daily recommended allowance of pure shite, just head up to Coffee Angel where your friend with a nose piercing is probably doling out meaningless portions of Judith Butler in between slugs of their over-priced-part-of-the-problem beverage.

Where to Drink with...the Lads Diceys. Go on. You know you've always wanted to punch a bouncer.

Where to Drink with...Everyone You Went to School With Everleigh. “Oh my God, it's so good to see you! We should definitely have lunch.” You know why they call it Everleigh Gardens?

Because the original sin of unfulfilled lunch dates was invented there.

Where to Drink With…NCAD Workman’s. Get them now while they still believe in patriarchal, post-imperialist constructs like the shift. After Christmas, it's too late.

Where to Buy your First Pill You know that person in your class who always wears windbreakers/lives on the Northside? Just throw them a message pretending that you’re not looking for pills. They’ll know. Mostly because you’ve never spoken to them. And it’s the Wednesday before Trinity Ball.

Where to Discover You’re Gay and Ditch All Your Old Friends Players. Always Players.

5 Classic Fresher Mistakes You Should Avoid 1. Trying to be yourself.

Let’s face it, the reason you left your old rural town in the Midwest was because people didn’t like you. Maybe you thought that coming to college would mean that people would accept you for who you are? Think again, fucko. Trying to be yourself is the fastest way towards a one-way ticket to Losertown. We at the Piranha advise you to choose from one of a host of pre-made personalities available to you: One Of The LadsTM, nerd, goth, girl who’s not like other girls, society hack, cool asian, or jock who overcompensates for his closeted homosexuality by taking it out on the gays. There’s plenty to choose from!

2. Summoning the Great God Schesmu.

Rookie move. You might think you’re being cool and alternative for bringing back the Egyptian God of execution, but nothing screams “JF Arts student” like recalling the demons of the underworld to seek revenge upon the mortal plane. It's been done kids. BORING!

3. Not telling everyone about your high alcohol tolerance.

It is absolutely vital that everybody you meet knows how much of an absolute full-time legend you actually are. Studies show that being a legend is directly correlated to the amount of Tesco lager cans you can down at a pre-drinks. So head out there and do your civic duty by describing to everyone you meet how much of a sesh gremlin you truly are. It’s a surefire way to make long-lasting, meaningful friendships.

4. Cabotage.

Despite what you may have been told by a sibling/cousin/parent/creepy uncle, under no circumstances should you ever cabotage. Social suicide. And if you have to ask what this means, I guess it’s time to pack your bags, chump.

5. Not keeping up to date with the new Trinity slang.

Where to Discover You’re a Schnake at Heart If you’re the kind of person who makes Julius Caesar look like a wholesome morality tale about the value of phriendship then we have the place for you - the GMB. A reptile cage the likes of which makes Taylor Swift’s latest music video look like the pet iguana at Dublin zoo, you’ll slide, you’ll slither, you’ll soar.

Where to Discover the Void of Student Journalism That opinion you have? No one cares. Head to Tn2 for as much exposure as an average Inuit gets in winter.

Where to do Brown Face Trinity Musical Theatre. Don't cry for Séimí, Argentina.

Where to Drop out of College in December Sociology and Social Policy

This one is a tough one. Trinity lingo changes by the day, but managing to stay on top of it can really help you in your first few weeks of college. The new hip trends include saying “what’s crackalackin, daddyo?” instead of “hello”, the replacement of all personal pronouns with ambiguous whistles and clicks, and the removal of the word ‘cool’ in favour of ‘hoopy’. If you’re stuck, stick to the basic colloquial phrase: “Hey pal, you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”. Follow these simple steps and soon enough you’ll be the hoopiest kid on campus.

What Every Society Has To Offer

Top Tip: Always fantasised about being a superhero? Pop into Yum Thai off Dawson Street - they're serving radioactive waste for as little as 5 Euro!

The Phil: Narcissism The Hist: Orgies/public disgrace SMF: A big four internship TES: Legitimate embezzlement TAF: Gender-fluidity SUAS: Voluntourism/a new profiler VDP: “Niceness” Players: Gay men and pretty girls who dress fat Rugby: Straight men with terrible underlying brain injuries Rowers: “Straight” men GAA: Pure arse The SU: Ridicule and a forensic examination of your Bebo posts.

3

Fresher's Edition, Autumn 2017

243A.D.

Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt

First hallucinogenic drugs consumed on future site of players theatre

2018

Trinity Halls Application Process Streamlined to the Submission of a Single Bank Statement

2025

The word “neutral” is elected as SU president

2053

Patrick Prendergast

The key to the SU kitchen finally located after Kevin Keane put it on a really, really high shelf

6297

”

“Animals don’t even feel pain really because if they did they would say something.”

“With all these vouchers, I’ll never need to pay for food again!”

Cyborg Patrick Prendergast launches recruitment scheme aimed at interdimensional students

Every Fresher Ever

"here, this Susi Grant bird; is she in our course?"

Fresher from Belvadere College

NOTES FROM THE THRONE L ike a once-beloved sitcom that has long since passed its prime and now shambles on, series after series, subsisting solely on a steady stream of jaded comedic tropes and racially typecast characters, Trinity College jolts itself back to life as the academic year begins again once more.

For some, Trinity’s uneven cobbles and overwhelming sense of greyness is old hat, experienced as they are to the rhythm of college life, which is a kind of waltz, except it takes place at 3am in Coppers as you slowly shuffle your feet to the dying strains of “Mr. Brightside”. The new year for them is one of plus ça change - same old missed deadlines, same old drunken mistakes, same old society squabbling obsessively covered by a news-starved horde of student journalists. To all of you, welcome back.

How we have missed your antics over the summer, and how we look forward to mercilessly ripping into your every faux pas over the months to come.

For some of the more starry-eyed wading into the heaving mass of Front Square this week however, the start of college represents their first foray into university life. To those newly joining us, welcome. We here at The Piranha like to think of ourselves as a safe space, where allegations can go unverified, petty disputes can be blown up into a four-page spread, and Facebook statuses can haunt people for years to come. Finding your place in this mess of low-quality satire and inflated egos is easy. Simply read this paper and every so often smile and nod knowingly to yourself as a student is mentioned. The fact that you know neither who this person is nor what they do is irrelevant.

All that matters is that you demonstrate an understanding of, and appreciation for, the

curious juxtaposition of earnestness and cynical maneuvering and that is Trinity life.

Enjoy the next four years, and remember, college is tiny, and secrets will eventually get out, so you might as well give the people something to talk about.

Finally, it has recently come to our attention that some people have become so scared of the left-wing monopoly that has apparently taken hold in Trinity that they are willing to spend several hundred euros of their own money to start a new publication and ensure that a conservative voice is heard on campus. This voice, which previously had the same ability as every other voice to express itself both on and off-campus through the same publications and social media platforms available to all students, will now enjoy a more influential platform from which to share its views. It can do this free from things such as the financial constraints that other student publications without external funding must grapple with on a near constant basis. We look forward to seeing the contributions this publication makes to Trinity’s discourse over the coming months, and to understanding how accepting external financing to elevate one’s opinion above others will do anything to legitimise the narrative that conservative opinions are victimised on university campuses.

Much love, M&T

“Lads, scoops tonight, who’s keen on Dicey’s?” admin of ‘Shagaluf Sex Gods Summer 17’ Whatsapp group struggles to keep the magic going.

The Piranah

Co-Editors: Tom Cantillon Manus Dennison

Contributing Writers: Sophie Cassidy Maeve Claffey Jack Counihan Will Dunleavey Ronan Fallon Mark Finn Cian Henry Harry Higgins James Johnston Shane Kenneally Liam Leahy Niamh Lynch Barry Lysaght Elizabeth MacBride Paraic McLean Chris Meaney Coco Millar Greg Murphy Conor Nevin Liam Quinn Oisín Walsh

The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional

before reading. Nothing to do with us, it’s just that you clearly have mental problems. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious.

The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

4

Fresher's Edition, Autumn 2017

JF Arts Student to Spend First Month Deciding which Political Issue to Take a Controversial Stance On “

Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” That’s what my Mam always told me, and I think this is really the time to embrace that mantra. I think it’ll really help with picking up beurs, it makes me seem like I really researched these issues rather than just going along with the popular opinion”, said James O’Reilly, a JF PPES student. As part of his preparation for college, James, a full time “mad bastard”, has been deciding which opinions will get him the most attention among his fellow students. Being part of one of the smaller minorities within Trinity, rich white boys, James is confident he has the skills necessary to set himself apart from his peers.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about the 8th amendment, and I’ve arbitrarily decided that it’s the most important part of our constitution,” said James, who had conducted 20 minutes of googling on the topic prior to reaching this opinion. “When you really think about it, we were all babies once? And if my Mam had have just killed me in the womb I wouldn’t be here to lend my important insight to these contemporary issues, so it’s actually a good thing when you think about it. If we start just killing babies all the time we’d go extinct, which

is the real heart of the issue you know? Like everyone keeps talking about how it’s about having a right to your own body which in reality doesn’t make sense, they obviously just aren’t informed like I am.”

“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” That’s what my Mam always told me “And another thing,” he started, eyes darting around to see if anyone was giving him the attention he desperately craved. “This George Hook lad that everyone’s been going off at this week? I’ve been scouring the internet to find a reason to support him and I’ve found that Pat Kenny thinks he’s a decent man, which is good enough for me. People are so PC these days, they just don’t understand that people have a right to their opinion. Just because you think women should be ‘equal citizens’ and that you shouldn’t ‘blame them’ when bad things happen, doesn’t mean that’s what everyone should think, you know?”

Rant over, O’Reilly took off his jacket to reveal a ‘Blue Lives Matter’ T-shirt. Not gaining enough attention from this, he then reached into his pocket and took out an armband with a swastika crudely drawn on it in sharpie, winking at a nearby group of women as he pulled it on.

Despite no one asking for further comment from him, he continued to ramble, while unwrapping a MAGA cap. “Don’t get me started on the lads down in the Direct Provision centres, don’t they know there’s an accommodation crisis going on? Like I’m not a racist or anything, it’s just my personal opinion that we should put our own first, you know? There’re people who have to commute from Dun Laoghaire because they can’t find city centre accommodation and these lads are complaining when they get 19.10 a week, like that’s what my pocket money used to be, what’s the problem?” Stopping to catch his breath, he donned his cap. “I've got to bounce now,” he said, picking up a placard reading ‘Gender Neutral Bathrooms? Pick a side or piss outside’, “I've got birds to pick up.”

Fresher Diagnosed with Bad Case of Notions

U

pon her return to Mayo after two weeks in Dublin, Emma O’Reilly, JF Art History and Italian student, was diagnosed with a nasty case of Notions. The Piranha reached out to Emma’s mother Bríd for comment, as Emma was unavailable due to the mandatory 3 week quarantine period.

“Obviously we were worried when she chose her course - when would she need Art History on the farm? - but we decided to let her away with it, as she always was a bit of a divil. Things only got worse when she moved away - she rang home lookin’ for money for schoolbooks, and next thing we know she’s bought bedsheets from that hussy Orla Kiely! Her poor father nearly cried when he rang up Father Gary, Emma’s local priest, to see how her confession has been going, only to be told he’d seen neither sight nor sound of her since she moved away! I’d had my suspicions till then - Emma had been goin’ on about fancy Dublin food, sayin she loved “halloumi” and “noodles”, but I tried not to think about it. The final straw was when Emma said she’d be leavin’ early this Sunday, before lunch, to get back to Dublin in time for a life drawing class - which I understand is drawing nudey pictures. I couldn’t have that so I rang Dr. Murray and he met her off the train with us.”

The Piranha understands that Emma was subsequently committed to St Aloysius’ Home for the Terribly Troubled, where, after her quarantine, she is predicted to make a full recovery, having been prescribed 120 hours farming silage, five decades of the rosary, and fourteen sessions with Father Ruairi to learn about humility and not rising above one’s station.

5

Fresher's Edition, Autumn 2017

What's Hot // What's Not In The Eyes Of The Duty Librarians

The Library: the beating heart of all things Trinity. The Piranha went straight to the coolest kids on campus, the duty librarians, to get the low down on the latest and the lamest.

NOT

HOT THE SOUTHSIDE Get with it Freshers. The Southside are back from Maga/Interrailing/ Thailand/Canada/J1 with definitive proof that the only thing a private education can buy you is an ability to pun on every Western European city in your instagram captions. You'll notice who they are immediately: it's something about a Michael Kors bag large enough to fit the 2012 Polo they drive or the Ray-Bans that will be surgically attached to their heads once February rolls around. That or the smell of ashes off them; the Celtic Phoenix is rising.

2017 TAYLOR SWIFT The song is shit. Let's make no bones about it. But I am LIVING for her narrative. I don't know what her feud with Katy Perry is about and I don't know whose recording of a back up dancer wearing an I Heart T-Swift t-shirt was stolen, but I don't care. Don't Shake It Off, Taylor. Don't rise about it. Be the lowest, meanest, pettiest bitch you can be. And you KNOW I have read every article about the references to Kim Kardashian’s hair stylist’s cat’s fatal fetal abnormality in her video. I shamelessly LOVE Taylor Swift. I'm sorry, my old self-respect can't come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, because she's dead.

2014 LEO VARADKAR He's so young, so hot, so progressive. And he's a doctor. Catch him every weekend in Mother and then bring him home to your mother.

‘I just never thought I would grow my own personality, but that was before I tried LSD at Electric Picnic!’

2017 LEO VARADKAR

What a fucking fascist. Is there a bigger tyrant in the Western World? You and your Mam thought it was great that a gay could be Taoiseach and even your Da once gruffly said that he had his head screwed on right. WRONG!!! Comparable only to Genghis Khan and Margaret Thatcher it terms of pure unadultered malevolence, we here at the Piranha firmly believe that he would happily watch Clontarf burn while playing a suitably middle-class instrument. Like the cello.

Or the harpsichord.

REPEAL THE 8TH

I’ve legitimately run out of ways to drag them. Just ask that girl with nose piercing in your class for information. Oh. Look at that. I had one more left in me.

THE PHIL'S LINEUP OF SPEAKERS

The Phil’s Lineup of Speakers: I have been disappointed many times in my young life. By dates saying they'd message the next morning, by Trinity Ball lineups comprised of acts who played Whelan’s last week, by TCD admin promising to do anything, but none have betrayed me quite so much and so consistently as The Phil’s Lineup of Speakers. Judi Dench is coming? Tony Blair is going to pop in? Mozart is going to make his first public appearance since the 18th century? So is my dead grandmother? Fuck off. The Phil couldn't get my left nut to make an appearance if Matt Bomer himself appeared onstage and begged to suck my dick. I hear Jesus is appearing as a gust of warm wind in Week 12? Nah man, that's just The Phil blowing hot air.

“We’re Going to Make It Work While on Erasmus” Meet the Couple Who Are Perfectly Happy to Live a Lie for the Next Few Months

T

rinity students Simon Fitzsimons and Gráinne ní Mhicendochartacaigh have renewed their commitment to one another in the lead up to Gráinne’s departure to Universidad del Añoncio in Barcelona later this month.

Simon and Gráinne, colloquially known as “that couple that's always wearing the face off each other downstairs in KC Peaches” have been soulmates ever since 4am at last year's Science Ball, when Gráinne mistook Simon for the much more desireable member of the human race, and the rest has been semi-committed, awkward history.

“Gráinne’s just not like other girls” said Simon, blissfully unaware of the heartbreak that will befall him in 2-3 weeks at most. “I just feel that what we have can transcend any distance” Allegations raised by Mr Fitzsimons relating to a page called “Spanish chat up lines” liked by Gráinne were met with awkward laughter, this paper has been told. “I mean, it's going to be tough leaving Simon behind for Barthelona” said Gráinne, having inexplicably acquired a lisp that was nowhere to be seen mere weeks ago. “I mean we’ve said that we’re gonna Skype every night so it'll be basically the same as being at home,” she added, hastily hiding a notification from newly downloaded app “el Tindér”.

This Piranha reporter wishes them the best of luck, or as they say in Español: “No eres tu, soy yo”

Fresher's Edition, Autumn 2017

OPINION

6

My Wife Left Me After I Donated €11,000 to the Trinitones Australia Tour Fund: HERE'S WHY I'D DO IT ALL AGAIN

The Repeal Movement Bears a Striking Resemblance to 1930s European Fascism MAN ON THE FENCE

L

et me begin by making one thing clear: I'm an ordinary guy. I'm an ordinary, straight, down the line, meat-and-two-veg, straight fit jeans, no piercings, blade 4 all over, tattoos-are-for-criminals, Michael McIntyre is funny, sex-is-over-when-the-man-cums, kinda guy. I'm all for feminism, but I don't see anything wrong with paying a woman a compliment if she has a cracking arse, or obsessively holding doors open for women and expecting a simple “thank you”. When it comes to 'gender politics', I'm a straightforward guy who calls it how he sees it - boys have willies and girls have private parts, that's biology, end of story. Being gay is OK, but, come on, the flamboyant ones are a bit full of themselves, and I’m just just saying what we’re all thinking here. And when it comes to the controversial topic of abortion, I'm an undecided voter.

I've heard a lot of noise, a lot of name-calling and - let's be blunt - a lot of crazies on both sides! But when it comes down it, the only thing I'm sure of is that I currently have no strong feelings one way or the other. At the moment, it's hard to say who's right, or even why either side holds the views they do. Perhaps it's even unknowable. Or at least, I have no interest in probing any further into the arguments. What I can say with authority is this: it's time to hear both sides and come to the most reasonable conclusion.

However, from The University Times opinion pieces which I have read, and which I consider my only source of news, I have picked up on some disturbing parallels between the ‘Repeal the 8th’ movement, and the 1930s movement for European Fascism which cannot pass without comment.

For example, pro-choice activists have been noted to often shout at their mob gatherings and rallies, which, in a sense, could be described as an act of violence. Starting to sound familiar?

Trust me, I’m only getting started here. Every year, the Repealers are known to hold a ‘March for Choice’. Yep, that’s right, a ‘march’, presumably reminiscent of those held by the Brownshirts in 1930s Italy, but with the new uniform of hate - the Repeal jumper. It’s quite possible that streets will be shut down, maybe by force, and it could even be true that people are unable to leave their houses for fear of violent reprisal at the hands of those arrogant enough to firmly hold a political opinion. Is that the kind of atmosphere of fear we wish to endorse?

As if this wasn’t evidence enough that we need to be vigilant of the threat of Left-wing fascism, here’s the kicker. The pro-choice movement has been accused by its detractors of murdering children. Want to know who else was accused of murdering children? A little someone called Adolf Hitler. The evidence is impossible to resist at this point, and the conclusion is clear: if the Repeal movement doesn’t calm the hell down then they are as bad, if not possibly worse, than Hitler himself.

No doubt some massive feminazi bitch will accuse me of believing deep down that women exist to be seen and not heard. That's not true, women should have their own voice or even voices, but I would say a mute button would be no harm every once in awhile! If I'm going to start caring about this issue, I'm going to need a referendum campaign that's about me, you, us, the ordinary people who just aren't sure what all this human rights talk is actually supposed to mean. Perhaps when we as a country have had a frank, but more importantly civil conversation about whether women should or shouldn't be compelled to carry pregnancies to term, then we can start moving in the direction that this country needs, whatever that turns out to be.

S

ince their formation in 2012, my admiration for Trinity-based all-male acapella group the 'Trinitones' has grown exponentially, unstoppably, like a cruel but beautiful fire inside me which giveth and taketh with the same hand.

It began without ceremony. At the launch of a minor college journal five years ago, I saw the 'Tones first strut their stuff, performing an irreverent pop cover of Wheatus classic 'Teenage Dirtbag'. It was love at first note.

Before I knew it, I found myself clicking my fingers and tapping my toe, without a damn care for what my fellow academics thought. I could scarcely control myself. As they hit the final note, I felt myself harden.

That night, I made love to my wife like never before. I was a new man, and I could only thank the Trinitone boys, whose tongue-incheek interpretation of an alt-rock classic had empowered me to shed my inhibitions.

From that night onwards, I was a proud, card-carrying Tonie. I soon became the admin of a small but extremely active Facebook group containing 12 like-minded 'culture vultures' who shared my passion.

All the while, my inner sexual revolution continued apace. Handcuffs, whips, covert recordings of Trinitone performances I had made playing in the background - nothing was off the menu in the bedroom anymore.

It wasn't long before things began to turn sour. My wife complained that I seemed no longer interested in conversing with her, and that anytime we talked the conversation would slowly turn to the Trinitones and their inventive, and somewhat unorthodox take on well-known hits of yesteryear. It was true, in time she became little more to me than a sexual blank canvas, through whom I channelled my passion for a diverse repertoire of high-quality, accessible choral music. In the evenings I made feeble excuses, stealing away after dinner to catch the Tones latest performance, or retiring to my study to view a self-made YouTube playlist of their greatest hits.

My wife believed me to be playing away on those absent nights, when I was instead with the boys. ‘Who is she, and what does she have that I don’t?’ my wife would ask.

My stupid wife didn’t understand. ‘She’ was a band of college-age male acapella singers, and they had a pzazz and verve to their vocal performances that she could never give me. I was just another heart they had conquered, another soul they had enliv-

ened, and I was powerless to resist them.

Those nights, when I arrived home, stumbling in still drunk on the fumes of another technically masterful performance, my wife and I would have incredible, barely ethical, convention-smashing hate sex. We were living on a knife edge, our affair powered by the raw energy of the undisputed ‘bad boys of Trinity’.

I remember vividly the moment I learned of the Trinitones’ ‘Down Under’ tour. I was sitting at my desk in work, blissfully unaware of the tsunami that was about to hit my life, when I received a Google Alert to my phone, notifying me of the latest Trinitones-related news. Our boys were travelling to Australia to perform the Oz ‘acapella circuit’, including a mouth-watering gig alongside the Melbourne TigerTones. My eyes widened as I saw a link to a ‘FundIt’ page, the proceeds of which would go towards the Australian tour. Finally, a chance to give back to the daring young men who had given an aging man his libido back. At that moment, sitting at my desk, I felt a tightening down under.

I knew then what I had to do. It was the only thing I could do. The next morning, forging my wife’s signature, I made a transfer from our shared account to the Trinitones donation fund in the amount of €11,174, clearing out every last cent we had. I instantly reached climax, almost passing out from the relief.

When my wife discovered what I had done, she was furious. ‘That money was supposed to put our child through school! I’ve worked overtime for years saving this money!’ she wailed, along with some other stuff. I wasn’t even listening at this point. She didn’t understand, and she never would. I shook my head and began to load the Trinitones’ cheeky take on R Kelly’s ‘Ignition Remix’ on YouTube. My impetuous wife barely made it past the first minute before she began packing her things and left our home for good, bringing our child with her. I haven’t seen them since.

My life since then has been challenging, I can’t deny it, but it has also been liberating.

I have nothing, but equally I have nothing holding me back, neither a close-minded and frankly clingy wife who has no appreciation for true culture, nor a burdensome child who demands a ‘basic standard of living’. I’m a new man, and with the grace of God my toe will forever tap to the sounds of those acapella vocals I just can’t kick.

This publication is funded partly by DU Trinity Publications Committee.

This Publication claims no special rights or privileges.

All serious complaints may be directed towards chair@trinitypublications.ie or Chair, Trinity Publications, House 6, Trinity College, Dublin 2.

Appeals may be directed to the Press Council of Ireland.

To get involved with Trinity Publications email secretary@trinitypublications.ie or get involved through our social media.

7

Fresher's Edition, Autumn 2017

SS BESS Bachelor Looks Forward to Influx of Women Who Don’t Know Better “

I’ll tell you something about birds these days,” says Rob O’Driscoll-Horgan-Kelly, a SS BESS student, “They just don’t know how to take a compliment about the size of their arse anymore.” Throughout his 5 years in Trinity - Rob took an extra year, not because he failed his repeats, he insists, but because he wanted to graduate with the lads in the year below because they

I

n a move which has rocked the academic community to its very doors, early yesterday morning Campus Security Commissioner Theresa O’hOchlainn nailed her resignation to front gate in shame.

Calls for the commissioner's resignation have been widespread following the startling whistleblower revelations that the commissioner had failed to allow rampant corruption and had not made trinity a lawless city-state, while managing the unsuccessful cigarette narc scheme.

“I honestly just don't feel safe knowing that campus security are going around enforcing rules without taking bribes or anything,” Trinity student and former child Waalter Wattimer told this paper. “It's just not what this college was built on. If Trinity wants to maintain its position in the world rankings, rank and file security officers need to be fabricating good reviews 24/7.”

were much better craic - O’Driscoll-Horgan-Kelly has been consistently and openly misogynistic to and about to every woman he has come across.

“It started in first year” Rob tells us, “This bird was pulling a guy in my year, but I knew she was actually gagging for me, so at Masquerave I stole his mask and shifted her. She probably thought it was him. It’s a move I like to call the Houdini, because it escapes the shackles of consent, haha! When the mask fell though, she had an absolute freaker and moaned about it to all her friends. She must have been on her period, reacting like that. I asked her on social media if she was anyway, but she didn’t respond.”

new me. In fact, not new me at all. It’s the same old Rob, it pretty much has been since the glory days in Blackrock. I’ve always been like an Olympic diver, you know, like Tom Daly or something… wait he’s the gay one isn’t he? I’m not gay at all, just to clarify: I’m definitely not gay at all. Where was I? Oh yeah, I’m like an Olympic diver, because when I dive in, I score 9s and 10s, haha, you get me? So yeah, I suppose it’s same me, new birds.”

With that, he left, sauntering off to claim the space next to the Trinity Netball Club stand at Freshers’ Week, and await the incoming freshers.

After a handful of similar incidents throughout his Trinity career, the women who know, or know of O’Driscoll-Horgan-Kelly don’t really speak to him.

“That’s why I look forward to Freshers’ Week every year. The start of the term is a really beautiful time.

New term, new me, you know? Well not necessarily “I mean with with their rip-off Garda uniforms I'd always just assumed there was something bubbling away behind the scenes that would give the UT something to drag out unnecessarily for 4-5 weeks,” SS BESS student Dennis Manusson told the paper. “The old commissioner would never have let this happen, it used to be the Wild West around here; library fines written off, a tacit go-ahead for orgies in the Berkeley study rooms. Her integrity made her a disgrace to the office,” he added, slipping a twenty to a nearby security officer.

The provost welcomed the resignation. “Hopefully now I can get back to bribing rank-and-file security officers to just close all the gates at random hours to cause the mayhem that people expect from a top university,” he said rubbing his hands together and cackling.

Despite the displeasure expressed by students surrounding the resignation, the number of officers killed on duty this year remains at 17.

Campus Security Commissioner Resigns Due to Allegations of a Lack of Corruption

Student Facing Two Hour Commute Delighted at Trinity’s Ranking Increase SF student Richard McGuinness was left overwhelmed with joy at the news that Trinity College had risen 7 places in the Times Higher Education world rankings, despite his university not giving a shit about him ever since he paid his fees. Conveniently ignoring the fact that this was the same college that was perfectly fine with allowing him to commute from his rural home in the West of Ireland, McGuinness, who has shown outstanding levels of misplaced loyalty towards his college, was seen adding the article to his snapchat story with the caption “Trinners for Winners XD” in a bizarre show of solidarity for his beloved third level institution.

Speaking on the subject, McGuinness asserted that he was “Delighted that the college was finally getting the recognition it deserved”. Responding to McGuinness’ comments, a Trinity spokesperson said “McGuinness? As long as he keeps the ‘My Finance’ section of his my.tcd profile in the black, he can commute from fucking Siberia for all we care”. McGuinness, seemingly unaware that providing affordable accommodation for students was actually pretty fundamental in most universities that cared about the welfare of their students, has been gleefully pointing out the ranking increase to his friends in NUIG. “Who needs a long-term, sustainable living situation when your college is above average at securing research grants?” scoffed McGuinness.

The Piranha Want to get involved? Email piranhatcd@gmail.com

Fresher's Edition, Autumn 2017

KEVIN KEANE A towering, gargantuan beast, Kevin Keane is as uncharismatic as he is tall. The only thing he’s 100% certain of is his insatiable hunger for Offbeat donuts, without which he would atrophy and eventually die. Let’s just steer clear of any other kinds of issues though okay guys!! Thanks xx Height: 11.98(m) Charisma: -10 Ability to have consistent, non-contradictory opinions: 0 Hunger for Offbeat donuts: 5000

P TO HACKS JONAH CRAIG

UNA HARTY Guard dog skill: 8 Av. height: 55.5 (cm) Loveability: 28 Av. weight: 29.3

Do you like getting fucked UP? Well, Alice doesn’t, but it’s totally grand that you’re completely dependent on alcohol to have a good time, it’s actually really cute that you can’t function socially without having a drink but no judgements on Alice’s part!

It’s just she prefers to get drunk on the power of the british commonwealth instead!

Ability to swing little girls around by their pigtails: 53 Reminds you of your primary school teacher: 90 British Imperialism factor: 25

DAMIEN McCLEAN

Labradors love the water and their coats are very waterproof. Labradors love everyone and are used as therapy dogs for ill people, in hospitals and nursing homes. I had a Labrador that died this month, and every time I see Jonah’s face I think of the life leaving my dog’s body as the vet injected her with pentobarbital.

Not like other girls-ness: 720 Nose ring: 10 Ability to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures: 88

ALICE McPHERSON

DOMINIC McGRATH Carbon (from Latin: carbo "coal") is a chemical element with symbol C and atomic number 6. It is nonmetallic and tetravalent—making four electrons available to form covalent chemical bonds.

Atomic Mass: 12 Danger Factor (0-10): 4 Usefulness Factor (0-10): 5 Melting Point: 3550 °C Year of Discovery: 1,000,000 BC

Damien is this year’s Welfare Officer, and he’s a bit of a bad boy! In February of this year he was caught by those squares in the Electoral Commission wearing a campaign t-shirt outside of the designated campaign t-shirt area. Next week he’s not going to press the eject button on his laptop before he takes out a USB plug, so watch out!

FRIES factor: 10,000 Cuddliness: 3 Creepy Eyes: 73 Daniel O’Donnell vibes: 45

VISITING THE PIRANHA THIS YEAR

PRINCESS DIANA'S DRIVER

THREE LUAS TICKET INSPECTORS

QUEEN ELIZABETH I

SENATOR LYNN RUANE'S TATTOOS

MY ESTRANGED FATHER

A VERY WET CAT

THREE KILOGRAMS OF TABLE SALT

A NEW INTRAY MESSAGE IN MY myTCD PORTAL

TWO HOMESICK ERASMUS STUDENTS

A BALLOON WITH A WIG