The Piranha Vol. 42 Issue 1 - Freshers Week 2020

Freshers' Week Edition

September 2020

001

Health

Travel

Fashion

Sick or Sickly: Does he have COVID or is he just a softboy?

Finding yourself (within your 2km radius)

- pg

What your face mask says about your baseline disregard for human wellbeing.

- page 999 or 112

- page 666

INSIGHT:

Alternative Trinity Twenty: The people we hate the most.

Pull Out: A Fresher's Guide to everything they're missing out on!

The

Piranha

ANKLE-BITING SATIRE FROM THE MURKY DEPTHS OF TRINITY COLLEGE DUBLIN

WE'RE PROBABLY NOT GOING TO BE OK

THIS SOME WET ASS PANDEMIC!

IN FOCUS

Freshers' Week Edition, September 2020

Icarus Vol. Hubris Sneak Peek

Modern Love

anatomy of a love poem- 2020

Graphicsexualimagery And obviousdescriptionof myexboyfriend Iamthe environment You are climatechange.

1: concerning story 2: lowercase glamorization of….

3: striking resemblance to secret reality 4: in the name of art, it is poetry.

Completely Unrelated Quarantine////// lonely….

Like being alone\\\\\ I?

5: all my friends are worried now.

Trigger

/\/\/WARNED/\.'\.'

////I like being alone\\\\//////

Society Guide! Who to join and what they offer!

Players: Gay men who are too feminine to play Hamlet, and mumsy women who are only talented enough for costume design.

TAF: You confuse your ADHD with an imagination and your parents hung EVERY picture on the fridge.

DUPA: Your twink friends looking malnourished at the Vico is not art, but you're skinny and cool, can we sniff your Docs?

The Phil: You hate yourself to an extent that no one will ever understand and go to the Counselling Service to cry about boys.

The Hist: You need more readers for your Katara/ Sokka fanfiction Tumblr.

Provost Speech at AntiMask Rally REVEALED The Piranha has this week gained exclusive access to a video recording of a speech given by Provost Patrick Prendergast at an anti-mask rally in Dublin last month, which was attended by various far right groups. A red eyed and visibly confused Provost could be seen walking towards the podium on stage at the beginning of the video, wearing the ceremonial Provost’s robes (tucked into his socks), one sandal, and a t-shirt with the slogan “F.B.I: Female Body Inspector”.

The Provost looked out to the crowd: “Man is born free, but is everywhere in chains. Face nappies. I mean face chains. I’m getting the quote wrong I think.” The Provost fumbled with the burger king wrappers his speech was written on before continuing: “Man is born free, but is everywhere in nappies”.

The Provost went on to attack the “Slimy, narcissistic, self-serving, betamale liberal cucks at the very top of our universities, and we also smell bad” before launching into a tirade against pharmacists who are “payed MONEY to make MEDICINE [unintelligible] from the primordial soup [unintelligible] has an ass that won’t quit”.

“By wearing these masks we are lining up like cows for the slaughter.

Cows with voluptuous udders full of, thick, creamy milk. Milk that hits your mouth like a wave lapping against the shore, before rushing down your throat like an unstoppable torrent.”

In the final seconds of the video, a fight broke out in the crowd, at which point the Provost shouted “git ‘im, git ‘im” before smearing an unidentified substance from the pockets of the ceremonial robes all over the podium and his own face.

Surf Soc: The next pandemic-causing virus lives in your pubic hair but god damn man, like, Big Shampoo is stealing your natural oils!!!

DUDJ: Your idea of a fun Friday night is stealing €50 from your mum and K-Holeing in your childhood bed before you leave pres.

The SU: You literally never fuck.

University Times: You got a H2 in English and you’re out for revenge on the kids who had friends in school.

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Freshers' Week Edition, September 2020

Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt

This Day in Histor y

1593

First financial partnership between a TCD student society and a war criminal.

1972

First attempt to move all teaching off-campus to make more room for tourists.

2020

DU Real Estate founded after CSC narrowly votes to veto the establishment of DU Racism.

2097

Players finally stage enjoyable show with clear understandable plot.

3 "I miss when we were just mean gays and shouty women, not evil gays and silenced women."

- Murmurs from inside the Phil Council Room.

“Can we do it just one more time pleeeease?”

- DU Players on their use of blackface.

"If you want to rob €8000 from the CSC you can just run for Phil Treasurer, or even TMT." - Sound monetary advice overheard in House 6.

"It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again" -Trinity public health guidelines.

“Forget Covid 19, the real virus is the body politic of the SU. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark."

- Eoin "Hand Sanitizer" Hand.

3222

Maths soc win CSC award for physical distancing, avoiding eye contact, shuffling nervously on the spot, and sweating, with gamer soc in a close second.

“Hey man, you take a nice photo.”

- Botany Bay's newest Don Juan.

“It was a bargain, he funded the whole thing in exchange for just 80 concubines.”

- TCD Horse Racing Society defends accepting funding from Qatari defence minsiter.

"No, the weather in Dalkey was just insane this year!"

- South Dubliner tries to cover up his Vale de Lobo tan.

"Oh sorry I can’t… I’m boiling my menstrual cup that night."

- SF PPES to coursemate who won’t stop asking her out.

“#savetherats!”

- Dyslexic drama student sends the wrong message.

The Piranha

NOTES FROM THE THRONE

W

e bet you, like the Student Counselling Service, thought you’d seen the last of us. Well we’re back and we’ve got more unresolved issues than you could ever dream of. So buckle up, strap in, and get the Press Ombudsman on line 2.

We hope this limp-wristed attempt at satire finds you well, although in our hearts we know it finds you in your childhood bedroom with your mum clattering about down in the kitchen and enough repressed feelings to induce an aneurysm. But worry not, the summer from hell is over! And the college year from hell is just about to begin.

For many of you, the Facebook notifications from Trinity Ents will have started to trickle in, inviting you to a “virtual night of drunken debauchery”, or as we like to call it “sipping a white wine spritzer and rubbing your inner thigh just to feel something”. For those of you in First Year and panicking that you’re missing Freshers’ Week, learn to love yourselves a bit more. The less time you spend within vomiting distance of an SU hack hyperventilating because Dominos didn’t deliver on time, the better.

As for us, we feel a strange peace knowing that there will be no petting zoo on campus this September. We take comfort knowing that Hugh McInerney won’t be able to harass us for a selfie and that Prendergast’s reign of terror will come to a close not with a bang, but with a well-deserved whimper. You see, dear reader, the thing no one tells you about college is that it’s really just shit. In truth it's just the most money you’ll ever spend to get clinically depressed. You watch the worst of humanity get ahead in a perverse dress rehearsal for

the “real world” while the rest of us mind our business and listen to Philip Glass in a hot bath just to feel less.

Editors:

So we hope these articles give you some reason to smirk over your soggy Weetabix while Morning Ireland drones in the background.

We’re excited to see the new and exciting ways people come up with to make a total ass of themselves for a few LinkedIn connections, and we’ll be bringing you a blow-by-halfhearted blow account as they do.

Senior writers:

Finally we’d like to say in all sincerity, that things are never actually getting better, and we most likely won’t be fine. But remember, tomorrow is a new day and a new opportunity, to live through all of this again.

James Wayne Gacey Shame Konichiwa

Helen McSwiggins You O'Leering Hugh (non-musical Gallagher brother)

Contributors: Goosey Killer Robert ask not for whom the bell Tolans Cl@1r3 Br€nnan Bleeding Heart O'Meara Shaughn-Tesc O’Lager O’Driscoll Roz Pussell

Forever and for always,

James and Shane xx The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, perhaps try learning that jokes aren't necessarily things people believe but are instead, jokes. Serious complaints about the content of the publication

should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman.

The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time.

The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Freshers' Week Edition, September 2020

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Dual BA Student Survival Guide 1. Don’t ask questions about their heritage or why they chose the programme. The less they tell you about their great, great, great aunt from Cork, or how they eat corned beef and cabbage every St. Patty’s day, the better.

2. Don’t ask them what they’re doing this weekend. They’ll most likely be getting a €600 flight to Lake Como and launch into a diatribe about how European travel has changed their life and given them a whole new perspective to bring back to their hometown friends in some small, suburban New Jersey town that they insist is “charming” despite its waspyTrump nature.

3. Avoid their social gatherings at all costs. They will talk about their Crazy Friend Sarah™, black out after the equivalent of a large glass of red wine and how the Guinness is just sooo much better in Ireland. Don’t be surprised if they brought it in a Starbucks keepcup from The Temple Bar. 4. If you see a MAGA hat, discreetly call the US Embassy and request a visa cancellation, or leave the gas on and take a long walk.

Opinion

BIG GRILLS DON'T CRY

The George Foreman 14525 4-Portion Family Grill and Melt with Removable Plates is capable of cooking staple family favourites such as garlic bread and tuna melts at a toasty 80 degrees. However, this is positively arctic compared to the fire that is currently raging behind the posterior of the not so lean, decidedly mean and fat swilling machine that is EU Trade Commissioner Phil Hogan.

Commissioner Hogan had the distinction of winning the aforementioned beloved domestic appliance in a raffle at the Oireachtas Golf Society Dinner in Clifden, County Galway.

The George Foreman Grill has a sleek and sloped stainless steel design which channels fat and grease into a separate drip tray making for easy clean up and minimal mess.

Commissioner Hogan unfortunately has no such drip tray and is instead forced to deposit his slime and ooze across the country’s most seminal golf courses.

With a basic salary of over 250,000 a year Commissioner Hogan is also decidedly more expensive than his kitchen appliance counterpart which comes in at a reasonable 60 euro.

The George Foreman has a digital timer to alert users when their grilled delicacy of choice is ready. Perhaps if Commissioner Hogan was equipped with such a device, he’d recognise that his career is just about cooked.

Freshers' Week Edition, September 2020

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What's Hot // What's Not Piping hot takes from the Random Smug Kids in the TCD Prospectus.

The nameless HD images of students having a better time attending Trinity than any of us, are in fact, gas #bitches with lots to say. We think, actually we know with certainty that these are their honest and unfiltered opinions on all things Hot, Not, and licensed for royalty free usage in the public domain.

HOT The Fresher 15 :

“Welcome to college, well done on all your H1s, very sorry to hear your Nan coughed herself to Tír Na nÓg, here’s a link to a virtual class on mindfulness, and finally, fuck you pay me!” The Provost's opening remarks are never anything surprising, yet we have noticed he tends to omit one key rite of the college experience: getting your “Buttery Body”. It’s not an accident that fashion's gone high waisted, and e-girl moonfaced. We been eatin’. College is a lesson in excess and if you’re not flicking through old pictures you sent underage to men on websites that didn’t use HTML, and marvelling at the cum gutter you once had, then skinny you’re not going to fit in here, literally.

These are the years when you think big thoughts about Palestine and why your parents watch tv in separate rooms. It’s also the time for DBS “latte-acne” and beer guts even Tola Kilo can’t drape over. The college gym is for breathy chats about who’s having pres tonight and marvelling at how the Muckross girl in Dentistry kept her Transition Year figure? ( Hint: she lives at home and stuck with her school friends who shame her). We all learned midway through our fresher year, when the leathery men in the George who own property in the Docklands stopped groping us, that to stay nubile, lithe and hairless, is to stay ignorant. Open your mind and learn to love sex with double the grip, clothes that fit like bondage, sitting in the library and smelling chips off your hands. Boring people don’t make art or “get” Fleabag. Order the fillet roll and embrace your status as one of the educated, gluttonous elite “qu'ils mangent de la brioche.”

NOT Living at home for Zoom University: November. Drizzle. 14 hours a day in your mother’s converted attic and driving the Fiesta up for a 3 hour lab every Friday. Your creepy boss in the CostCutter deli wants you to do the late on Saturday. Again. Crow taps the number for Samaritans on the window. Prionsas is shiteing on again. His father the solicitor definitely helped him with that. you can see all the fucking posters he had on his wall as a child, Avril Lavigne, The Piglet Movie, Philly 4 comms.

Sunday. Hallelujah. Mass. How is Breda here every single week. There’s a fucking lottery system you dumb bitch. Senior Ladies match. Martina is the star forward. Of course she is. That should be me. Home. Turf on the Fire.

Episode of Room to Improve from 2017.

College years are the best years of your life.

Wh*res in this House:

If you’re reading this publication then you’re likely a firm fixture within the TCD echo chamber, or you’re terrible Mick who wanders the arts block roaring about Satan and is banned for life from the Book of Kells. Regardless, we assume that you’re a vulva droppin’, thot boxin’, stompin’ on a tesco meal deal with your feet and sellin’ it for bank - FAN - of all things WAP. We know that to champion female sexual empowerment is to shout into the howling wind and call god a eunuch; “Aunt Yvonne, I just can’t seem to understand why you’re so threatened by unmarried young women?”. We’ve all said such lines in defence of what we know is right, watching smugly as auntie "drunk behind the wheel" clutched her pearls and replied that she considered being a lesbian in 2003 - lies, she failed the civil service exams and blames Simone de Beauvoire.

With every generation there comes a time when the glass ceiling shatters and people are divided into those who look up at the light beaming through, and those who step on the shards in their AtmosphereTM pumps. S&M by Rihanna, Touch My Bum - The Cheeky Girls, Orinocco Flow - Enya. We do not choose the sirens of our cause, but one thing is sure, when their voices ring proud and true across the land, rise to the call, uplift your sisters and unleash the Kraken.

Fianna “I’VE FÁILLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP”: Are you struggling to sleep at night because an army of animated wax figures haunts your dreams? Do you break out in a cold sweat because every time you pass a mannequin in a shop window you think she’s going to announce your predicted Leaving Cert grades and strangle you with her plastic pearls? Move over COVID-19, there’s a new endemic malaise sweeping the nation: Fianna Fáil!! Hailed by the WHO as the most impressive plague to scourge mankind since the Great Cork Cholera Outbreak of 2005, victims are reporting vomiting every time they look at the news, intense uncontrollable bursts of sobbing and a complete lack of will to go on. Doctors are working night and day to find a vaccine, but until then it seems the most effective treatment is a bolt between the eyes.

The Piranha Want to get involved?

Email us at piranhatcd@gmail.com

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Freshers' Week Edition, September 2020

Which will be <3 your <3 society quiz: Your after school activities were…

What do your parents say about you to their friends…

A: Having opinions.

A: Oh very driven and ambitious, yes, Law and Political Science

B: Going to workman’s underage.

B: Just going through a phase, it’s likely to pass soon *single tear*

C: Who the fuck knows.

C: Very creative, learning lots of transferable skills you know.

D: Rugby thirds and bringing friends to your holiday home in West

D: Life of the party, I guess it’s in the genes oi oi.

Cork

E: Pissing away that private school education we paid for.

E: Rollies and chicken fillet rolls before after school study.

F: The angel we always prayed for. God bless.

F: Telling people to stop smoking and helping birds with broken wings.

Preferred hairstyle: A: Straightened but just at the front Your friends are…

B: Quirky, dyed, high fringe.

A: Not really your friends.

C: See above but done professionally

B: So talented slay kweeen and likely to sell you in exchange for a chat

D: Curtains/mullet (unwashed)

with Louise Kiely.

E: Unwashed

C: Ambiguously creative and destined to spend six years in college.

F: Mullet (clean)

D: Hot and unclean.

E: Patron saints of nights out, ket, and thinking they’re fucking deadly.

F Perpetually on a baseless moral high ground.

Mostly As: The Phil

Mostly Ds: Surf Soc

Mostly Bs: Players

Mostly Es: DUDJ

Mostly Cs: TAF

Mostly Fs: VDP

SOCIETIES DEFEND ‘LESS CONVENTIONAL’ SPONSORSHIP ARRANGEMENTS With news that Hamad Bin Ali Al Attiyah, a former Qatari Defence Minister, is the new sponsor of TCD Horse Racing Society, the University Philosophical Society has taken the lead from its equine loving comrades. Bereft and abandoned by former sponsor PWC, the Phil has turned its attention to the lucrative international market of authoritarian demagogues, many of whom hold its Gold Medal of Honorary Patronage.

A spokesperson for The Phil confirmed that the society is currently engaging in ‘very positive sponsorship discussions’ with the Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un. The spokesperson continued by saying that Mr Kim and the Phil have much in

common. The spokesperson explained that both parties are committed to ‘pretending to help the working class’ and ‘share a common delusion that we are socialist’.

In response to the suggestion that Mr Kim is ‘really more of a brutal dictator than a benevolent leader’, the spokesperson responded by saying that this did not matter as the Phil itself is ‘really more of a talking shop than a debating society anyway’.

Pictured: Leaked photos of high-level society sponsorship negotiations.

Freshers' Week Edition, September 2020

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Interview

I WAS HOME FOR SO LONG, I FORGOT THAT I’M GAY Roscommon native speaks/comes out

On a warm thursday afternoon in late August I sit under the awning of Bestseller and watch the world go by waiting for my interviewee, James O’Reilly. James is late, and I am running out of double espresso to intimidate him with. On the verge of ordering another coffee, out of the corner of my eye I see a full O’Neills tracksuit making its way towards me.

‘I’ve no change sorry’ I begin to say when I notice the TAF tote.

James orders a Barry’s tea and we settle down for our chat. He asked to speak with me to highlight a struggle faced by many trinity students during this lockdown, James has been at home for so long, he forgot he was gay. This is our interview: Q: Tell me about yourself and your family?

Well, the name’s James, actually Seamus Óg, but down here I’m James. I’m a fourth year Computer Science and Business student, I’m treasurer of TMT and before the lockdown I did a bit of modelling. I’m with NotAnother.

As for the family, well, we’re from Roscommon. I’m the eldest of five lads, Dad owns the dairy in the town, mam does a great Sunday dinner, plenty of GAA and Mass, you know yourself.

Q: Could you briefly describe your lockdown experience?

It was quite the shock, just packing up and heading for the train. Mam greeted me with the usual ‘change before your Da sees you’ and a flick of holy water; by then Dublin was a distant memory. My aul fella set me cutting the silage because the Covid dole is for fairies so I kept fit doing that, though I was a bit unwell having to eat meat and dairy again.

When the restrictions began to lift I’d go for a kickabout after work with the lads from school.

They’ve had it tough.

Tomás’ court hearing for that sexual misconduct bollocks was postponed and Cian couldn’t go to the twelve week scan with his beour. There’s something quite nice about there being no difference between knowing everything about someone and actually knowing them. And speaking at a rate of three words per hour is quite peaceful too. Can’t complain.

Q: When did you suspect that something was off in regard to your identity?

Initially I was just masking. To protect myself from the homophobia and all. But the longer the restrictions remained, the more I lost my sense of self. Apparently it's quite a common condition for people who have been kidnapped or spent long periods of time in internment camps, a kind of Stockholm Syndrome and PTSD combination. I learned all that technical terminology from the Trinity Counselling Service when they finally fucking answered my calls. Thankfully it’s not gay to seek help anymore on account of Connell in Normal People. At that point it had gone so far I may never have realised that something was wrong.

Q: What was the trigger, the thing that reminded you who you really are?

Well, back home I’m absolutely bet into the GAA. I was quite the nifty player in my school days so the local club asked me to play in a charity match. One particularly rough tackle moved something within me and after the pushing and shoving that followed… well I had to fake injury to leave the pitch on account of the erection I was experiencing.

Q:What is your plan for recovery?

I have a voice lesson to recover my South Dublin affectation, then I’m going to Om Diva to get a tulle dress, then I’m having my chest waxed.

This evening I’m going to do coke off the Powerscourt steps and hopefully meet an 18 year old whose virginity I can take or a 40 year old whose apartment I can wake up in. These are just the first steps in what will be a long journey.

Q: Any final words before we conclude?

I’m gay and I dont care who knows… but please dont share this on facebook in case you have friends from Roscommon.

I absolutely empathise with James and his fellow gays. I’m not a lesbo or anything but I certainly experienced identity dysphoria after spending so much time at home in Dalkey. Not like diagnosably so, I’m not mental Well during the lockdown, on account of my amnesia, there were no obviously, but I really struggled changing between cords and lululemons gays in the village. Back in school there was me and the PE teacher I had and docs and uggs. We all have a long way to go in our recovery from this an affair with but he and his family moved about three years ago in the pandemic which has, undoubtedly, disproportionately impacted Trinity middle of the night students whose identities are so deeply tied to their university.

Q: And are you ‘the only gay in the village’ so to speak?

Freshers' Week Edition, September 2020

Humans of TCD In a rare act of compassion the Piranha has chosen to shine a light on those who make our college so vibrant and dynamic, these are their stories.

Anti-Mask Activist: I’m tired of wearing these face condoms, I want to go around the Art’s Block raw. I have survived years of unprotected sex and suddenly I’m going to die from an unprotected handshake? I don’t believe it. I want to smell the body odour and stale weed from the rollie smokers, I want to taste the Marc Jacobs’ Daisy perfume off that lecturer who always wears low waisted pant suits, I want to lick the floor beside the Perch. That’s why I refuse to wear a mask, because I want to feel alive again.

Hun #4: I lost my virginity to ‘Sunset Lover’ by Petit Biscuit and every time someone puts it on their instagram story I just get so horny. One time I was in Tayto Park, I heard the chorus, and when I woke up I was covered in a packet of prawn cocktail crisps with my knickers missing. There’s just something about that song that just makes me want to hump a tarmac pavement until I smell a stuffed bell pepper.

Cookie Monster Pyjama’s Woman: The other day I bit someone in my tutorial but like why are people that surprised? Like right before it happened I was saying how I got caught shoplifting in Tesco? I wish people would just see me for the real me, someone who committed war crimes in a past life.

Skinny Culchie: I really hoped this wouldn’t follow me to college. I have struggled with it for so many years. Do you have any idea what it’s like to play county GAA and not be able to wear O’Neill’s shorts? I tried it once and got arrested for indecent exposure. That part was kinda hot, but anyway I just wanna talk about the animals on my farm not the monster in my pants.

Vaguely Racist Girlo: Look if I want to put a photo of my Avoca "Ms. Ní IRaine's 6th Yr Irish 4 EVZ!!!" coffee on my story that is my business. I saw the whole Rare sighting of skinny culchie and Hun #4 Aramark- Avoca scandal but like that’s not my fault? Direct Provision is bad but like there are so many worse things out there, for example I’m not homophobic, in fact I love the gays! That’s what really matters.

UNIVERSITY TIMES REBRAND 2020

In Loving Memory

READER RACK OF THE WEEK!

1592 - 2020