CMYK The Paper | Thursday, October 24, 2013
5B
ENTERTAINMENT
After 4 years, it is time to commit or move forward
Dear John: My 32-yearold daughter has been involved with her 42-year-old boyfriend for four years. Linda wants to get married, but Josh avoids the topic. He claims he loves her, but he will not commit to a ring or even discuss marriage. Both have been married before, although neither of them has children. Linda knows she is not getting any younger, and she is tired of waiting. — Wise Words Needed, in Scottsdale, Ariz. Dear Words Needed: If she feels she has put enough time into the relationship without a commitment for marriage, she should tell Josh that. Her tone should not be accusatory, hurt or angry. It should be calm and resolute, as if stating a fact: “Honey, I love you so much, and I know you love me. I’m at a point in my life where I want to devote my heart and soul to the man I call my husband. I hope that you are that person. If you are not ready to
John Gray commit, I want you to know that I love you, but it is time for me to move on. Let’s both take a week or two to think about this.” Two weeks later, if he still doesn’t want to commit, she should be prepared to follow through. This separation will give him time to realize if indeed she is the one he loves. Should he not be ready for marriage, she will then be free to date others. Either way, she wins. Dear John: My wife and I have been married a little over a year. Both she and I have been married before. Her ex-husband now has a girlfriend, and this has brought out previously unexpressed feelings in my wife. She longs for the fam-
ily that she no longer has. I understand and accept the fact that she has inadvertently brought her feelings about this past relationship into our marriage. I realize that she is torn between the past and the present and doesn’t know which path to select. This uncertainty leaves her depressed. She has trouble sleeping, yet can’t get out of bed. She has a wonderful family that cares deeply for her, including me. We have tried to get her to go to the doctor, but she refuses. I talked to a psychiatrist and was told that there is nothing I can do to get her to go unless she is in a lifethreatening situation. — Big Concerns, in Katy, Texas Dear Concerns: I’m glad you realize that your wife is not questioning her love for you; she is grieving the end of her past relationship and is seeking closure. This won’t be accomplished with an assumption that she will readily accept things as they’ve turned out. She needs to discuss her
pain over the break-up, her fears and sadness about its effect on her and her loved ones, and she must give and receive forgiveness from her ex-husband on the issues she feels are still between them. Suggest that she begin by writing a “feeling letter” that expresses what she feels in her heart. You may also suggest that she have a family counselor walk her through this process. She may make the decision to share the letter with her ex or simply keep it for herself. Hopefully, this will give her the comfort she needs so she can move on in life without undue regret.
Dear John: I’m a 35-yearold male who weighs 315 pounds. I have never been in a relationship with a woman for more than a month. It’s very hard for me to get out and meet people because of my feelings about my weight and appearance. How can I look for someone that can just love me for
WORKING IT OUT
me? — There’s More to Me, in Jackson, Miss. Dear More to Me: Visual appeal will always be a part of human attraction. That said, you should realize part of our appeal is not necessarily how we look, but how we present ourselves to others. In other words, before others can appreciate us, we must first appreciate ourselves. Women, more easily than men, can see past the physical to the spiritual side of a potential mate. Your life is a gift to you and to the others who are fortunate enough to know you. Take advantage of all the wonderful things you are and let the world know that you are ready to love and be loved. Dear John: I have recently met the most caring, handsome, special man. Whenever I phone him, he has this exciting thrill in his voice, and I think he cares for me.
At this point, I do not know how I feel though. Why? Because of his mother. She is overly possessive of him. Recently, we were supposed to go out, but she grounded him. He is 29 years old! Although I think I’m in love with him, I don’t know how to deal with this. What should I do? — In Love with a Mama’s Boy, in Brookline, Mass. Dear In Love: Run — far and fast. If at 29 he cannot make up his mind as to whom his friends and lovers should be, there is no guarantee he’ll be able to do it at 39 or 49. I’m sure he has a lot of great qualities, but life is too short to wait for him to grow up. So move on. John Gray is the author of “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.” If you have a question, visit www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous, and will be paraphrased.
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