CMYK 6B
The Paper | Thursday, September 10, 2015
ENTERTAINMENT
Your family life doesn’t have to fit in box others make for it Dear Carolyn: Me: mid-50s, reasonably successful and comfortable, with meaningful work and wife (no kids). I’m pretty happy with my life, including its high and low points. This wasn’t the easiest place to reach: I come from an extremely dysfunctional family (alcoholism, drugs, suicides, general horribleness). Basically, I have no contact with my living relatives, and they don’t really talk to each other, either. It’s my choice, and I’m at peace with it, because sometimes it’s the only choice you can make unless you want a life of endless crazy. Yet everybody else seems to have a really happy family with mostly deep, satisfying relationships. Well, maybe not everybody, but this is how people talk. Those fortunate enough to have this kind of family have my envy and admiration, because I know they worked hard for it. The problem is -- what do I say when people ask me about my family? Of course, I
Carolyn Hax can just try to change the subject (“They’re fine, how are yours?”), but more often than you would believe, people want details and quiz me. I could just lie and make things up, but that’s not me. I want to shrug and say “I don’t really know,” but that invites more questions and a crapload of amateur psychoanalysis, tut-tuts, and suggestions about how to fix things. I’m comfortable with not having some version of the Waltons as my family, but others are not. Suggestions? — At a Loss n n n Their comfort is not your problem. Truly. Repeat whenever your doubts bubble up. I realize it feels like your
problem when you’re being grilled and life-coached by fellow backyard barbecue guests, but thinking of it that way is what leads to the temptation to make stuff up. A happy lie, after all, protects you only by satisfying their need for you to fit into whatever box they hold dear. If instead you approach their curiosity as not your problem, then you are free to deny them whatever need drives their deep (and rude) dive into your business. Stage 1, deflection: “They’re fine, how are yours?” Stage 2, the smiling brick wall, for those who miss the deflection cue: “I’d rather not talk about my family” or “My family doesn’t interest me. Any thoughts on the weather?” Stage 3 for those who believe their curiosity trumps your comfort? Escape: “If you’ll excuse me, I need to” refresh my drink/ make a call/put myself somewhere else. Because their comfort is not your problem. I realize I don’t need to
spell this out — “this is how people talk,” yes, you get it — but I’m going to say it anyway. Even happy families are complicated, at turns opaque, frustrating, selfinterested, and staunchly resistant or just oblivious to the passage of time. And these are only the most common complaints. What keeps them close throughout challenges, generally speaking, is a combination of deep love, shared history and strong enough boundaries to override any impulses to try to control or undermine each other. Again speaking generally, it strains credulity that someone pumping you for family details — and then presuming to fix you, unbidden! — is standing on that healthy emotional mountaintop. So keep that mentally at hand at the barbecue: I have my crazy, you have yours, let’s talk about something else. nnn Hi Carolyn: When my daughter was
first born, my husband and I decided that if we should perish, my brother-in-law and his wife would raise her. They agreed to this. However, over the last few years, we discovered that my daughter, now 5, has a severe dog allergy (read: asthma attack, hospital level), and her aunt and uncle have two dogs. The allergy is so bad that she cannot even visit their house. So now we have no real plan in regard to her care. I feel we should ask them if they would give up their dogs if they ever needed to raise our daughter — but how do we ask that, in a way that allows them to answer honestly? It seems it would be quite hard for someone to say, “I would choose my dogs over your daughter,” to our faces — but we have to know if we can rely on them if needed, or find another option for her care. They really are the very best option, sans dogs. How should we approach this? — Delicate Question
“The dog allergy has me worried about our guardianship plan. Would you like us to choose someone else?” That allows them to say either, “Yes, that’s probably a good idea” or “Yikes, no, if it came to that of course we’d find new homes for the dogs.” Even more important than the phrasing, though, is your attitude: If you’re going to pose this question, then you have to be ready to hear either answer without losing your composure. There is another option, though, one I would take if I were in your position: Trust the aunt and uncle to do the right thing should this very unlikely thing happen. I mean, if you really thought it was possible they would either risk your daughter’s life by expecting her to live with dogs, or prioritize the dogs and pack her off to be raised by someone else, then you didn’t pick the right guardians in the first place. Chat with Carolyn online at noon each Friday at www. washingtonpost.com.
Save The Date
WORKING IT OUT
Friends of the Braselton-West Jackson Library annual Volunteer Appreciation Day event will be held Monday, Sept. 21, from 1-3 p.m. Higher Grounds Coffee House 6700 Highway 53, Braselton 2nd Floor - Elevator available Polaris Aviation Building Braselton, GA Come join the fun! Meet other Volunteers! Light Refreshments will be served
JANRIC CLASSIC SUDOKU
SOLUTION
Raffle Drawing for Multiple Prizes [Tickets are free, but you must be present to win!] Grand Prize: Gift Certificate to Cotton Calf Kitchen 9924 Davis Street, Suite 9 A Classic American Steakhouse Downtown Braselton’s newest restaurant, part of the Historic Redevelopment Project, serving dry-aged steaks, opening in mid-late August RSVPs Appreciated (However, reservations are not required to attend.) Sign-up sheet is In the 3-ring book located in AFTERWORDS Store or contact Marilyn Deal: mmdeal@bellsouth.net or Dan Aldridge - friendsbwjlibrary@gmail.net REMEMBER IT WON’T BE THE SAME WITHOUT YOU!!! Spread the word – The More “Friends” the Merrier : )