City Hall is so Inbred, It Could Be a Sandwich
City Commission’s Newest Charity: Cashing Out Corrupt City Employees
In what could easily be the plot of a slapstick political comedy, City Manager Nick Mimms is finally off the payroll—well, almost. After his August 14 arrest on corruption charges, Mimms has been graciously lounging at home on taxpayer dollars, courtesy of the City Commission, who seemed determined to give him the most lucrative paid vacation of his life.
Yes, you heard that right. For nearly three months, Mimms has been living it up on the city’s dime, and just when we thought they’d finally cut him loose, the commission has found yet another way to keep that cash flowing. As of today, Mimms is officially terminated, but don’t worry—our generous commissioners have ensured he’ll receive a cozy 15 more weeks of medical leave pay. Because apparently, nothing says “justice” like extending paid benefits to someone arrested for corruption.
In a move that left residents scratching their heads, the City Commission was quick to give Mimms a soft landing after his fall from grace, treating his termination with the kind of kid gloves usually reserved for employee-of-the-year types. Forget the arrest; forget the allegations. Our city leaders seemed fixated on finding any and every excuse to throw money at Mimms, treating his corruption scandal as if it were a minor workplace inconvenience, like accidentally printing too many copies. The August 14 arrest marked the beginning of what can only be described as the city’s most misguided generosity project. Instead of making a swift decision to sever ties
with Mimms, the commission chose to keep him around, handing out paychecks to someone whose most recent contribution to the city was allegedly cashing in for personal gain. And even now, they’re ushering him out with a benefits package that would make any disgraced official’s heart sing. If there’s a lesson here, it’s that in our fair city, getting fired for corruption is only a minor inconvenience when you have a City Commission eager to pad your pockets on the way out. Because when all is said and done, why send a clear message of accountability when you can send a tax payers check?
Fort Pierce Street Sweepers So Powerful They’ll Sweep Your Troubles Away—Literally
If It’s on the Road, It’s Gone—Trash, Treasure, or Tony from Accounting
Fort Pierce, FL — Residents of Fort Pierce were left both impressed and mildly terrified this week after city officials unveiled their new fleet of street sweepers, machines so advanced that they appear capable of sweeping up anything that dares to sit still for too long on the asphalt.
The sweepers have been introduced since Congressman Brian Mast called out the dilapidated city. The congressman posted a picture of a van without tires, saying “spoke to the City of Fort Pierce about the God-awful condition the city is kept in. If anyone sees my wife’s rims and tires, please contact Mayor Linda Hudson.”
During a demonstration downtown, the sweeper collected discarded bullet casings, rogue hubcaps, and possibly the lost remains last weekend’s pub crawl. “We expected it to handle leaves and litter, but when it started scooping up loose bricks and what looked suspiciously like an ex-boyfriend’s dignity, we knew we had a winner,” said Rick Reed, who owns Sweetie’s Diner.
The street sweepers are being hailed for their unparalleled suction power, designed to tackle even the most stubborn roadside debris. However, locals can’t help but let their imaginations run wild. “Look, I joked about the thing sweeping up dead bodies—but after seeing it in action, I’m not ruling anything out,” said local mechanic Carlos “Tire Iron” Ramos, who has already coined the phrase ‘The Asphalt Avengers’ for the high-powered machines.
Rumors began circulating that a particularly over-zealous street sweeper allegedly “swept up a wheelchair” left at a bus stop and dragged it all the
way to the impound lot, where it now rests, dusty yet mysteriously polished. The City assures residents there’s “no need to worry” and that no street sweepers are out to collect human bodies... yet. “They’re not THAT smart. It’s fine,” commented a public works worker, unconvincingly.
As Fort Pierce’s streets gleam like never before, city leaders are reminding residents to keep their personal belongings off the streets—be they beverage cans, parking tickets, or beloved small pets. “These machines do not discriminate,” said city worker with a completely straight face.
For now, Fort Pierce remains divided: some see the sweepers as an unparalleled innovation, while others worry a loose sandal might inadvertently qualify as ‘road debris.’ Until further notice, residents are advised to step lively, leash their Roombas, and park well out of the curb lanes.
Because in Fort Pierce, one man’s trash is now definitely the city’s treasure—vacuumed up and neatly deposited somewhere far, far away.
Disclaimer: This article is satire. No dead bodies were actually reported missing, though several bowling pins and a stubborn cone remain unaccounted for.
Fort Pierce Fumbles: A Ph.D in How To Fail
If Fort Pierce had an award for projects that never see the light of day, it would be the most decorated city in Florida. From the saga of Little Jim Bridge to the high-speed hype of Brightline and the pipe dreams of King’s Landing, Fort Pierce has perfected the art of spinning its wheels. And now, in the latest episode of “Can’t Get It Done,” the city faces a lawsuit from the developer of Fisherman’s Wharf, fed up with Fort Pierce’s knack for moving deadlines further than the project itself.
Yes, that’s right: Fort Pierce was handed a golden opportunity to redevelop Fisherman’s Wharf, only to squander it with their classic “waitand-see” approach. The developer waited through delay after delay, thinking, “Surely this time, the city will follow through.” Spoiler alert: they didn’t. Fort Pierce has extended this “deal” so many times it’s basically been put on a payment plan. But even after multiple extensions, the city missed yet another deadline to finalize the sale of the property—pushing the developer to file a lawsuit in a last-ditch attempt to force some movement. It’s almost as if Fort Pierce operates on its own time zone, one where deadlines are suggestions and agreements are loose interpretations. But don’t worry, Fisherman’s Wharf is in good company. Remember Little Jim Bridge? Neither does the city. What started as a promising project now serves as a monument to Fort Pierce’s inability to bridge any gaps—literal or figurative.
Then there’s Brightline, the high-speed rail line that was supposed to transform Fort Pierce into a bustling hub of modern transit. Apparently, Fort Pierce’s “station-to-nowhere” project was just a pit stop on Brightline’s journey through cities that actually know how to get things done. And we can’t forget King’s Landing, the grand waterfront development that was meant to “revitalize” the area but remains as elusive as the mythical kingdom it’s named after.
The pattern here isn’t just delay; it’s a full-
blown case of municipal paralysis. Fort Pierce officials are so good at slowing down progress that they should offer courses in Project Stall 101. With Fisherman’s Wharf, the developer has had no choice but to take legal action, hoping that maybe—just maybe—a lawsuit will light a fire under the city’s feet. But based on Fort Pierce’s track record, one wonders if the city will even meet a court deadline.
At this rate, the city might consider pivoting to a new brand slogan: “Fort Pierce: Where Projects Go to Die.” Because in a town that can’t seem to get anything built, even missed deadlines are a tradition worth preserving.
Missing Person
Talk About Spiritual
St. Lucie County School Board Chairmen Dr. Donna Mills and husband Dr./ Reverand Kenneth Mills having a spiritual moment with the Holy ‘Spirits’.
A Community Street Service will be held today, December 14th, Saturday at 3:00. That’s only 2 hours from now. We are looking for people to help serve food, give their testimonials, pass out tracts and help us minister the love of our LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST. Please come help us spread the GOSPEL. Dinner will be served. There will be preaching and an altar call. Please spread the word. Praying you can make it today. Oh, I forgot to mention, the location is on the corner of Ave D and 13th Street in Fort Pierce. ALL ARE WELCOME!
You Heard It Here First!
Fort Pierce: Where Accountability Goes to Retire
(but Linda Hudson never does)
“Fort Pierce: Where Accountability Goes to Retire” Ah, Fort Pierce—the “Sunrise City” that’s recently become more of a city where sunlight is in dangerously short supply. For a town with so much potential, it’s fascinating to watch the parade of public officials treating City Hall like their personal playpen. From scandal to scandal, the local leadership seems determined to give us all a crash course in “What Not to Do” in public service. Let’s start with the city’s latest achievement in dubious governance: City Manager Nick Mimms—the man in charge of Fort Pierce’s daily operations—has now been shown the door with an extra-large helping of embarrassment. Arrested for corruption, Nick is probably realizing there are some strings attached to taking power moves a little too far. The surprising part? City Officials didn’t seem too worried about Nick’s extracurriculars until the police got involved. Next up, we have Mayor Linda Hudson, who might as well have been practicing her best “deer in the headlights” look. Apparently, “see something, say something” isn’t in the city’s management handbook. Rumors had been swirling about Mimms’ less-than-ethical practices for months, but Mayor Hudson? Crickets. Her oversight is clearly selective—apparently, as long as she looked the other way, she could pretend Fort Pierce was on the up-and-up. When transparency and ethics took a holiday, Linda was all too happy to call it a long weekend.
And if that’s not enough to make you wonder if Fort Pierce city officials have an allergy to good judgment, let’s talk about Former Commissioner Jeremiah Johnson. In the midst of the Nick Mimms fallout, Johnson thought it would be a stellar idea to celebrate Mimms’ service to the city—with a larger severance check. That’s right, after all the headlines, Johnson’s solution was to reward the guy! Maybe we’re missing something, but it’s hard to see how rewarding alleged corruption sends any message other than “Good job!” But apparently,
in Fort Pierce, actions that would normally have people doing PR damage control get rewarded with a fat paycheck.
Now let’s add in, Vennis Gilmore, another Fort Pierce city employee, being investigated for his role in the Rooted in Change nonprofit scheme. Gilmore is faces allegations that he had a conflict of interest and did not sign a conflict-of-interest form. He was a Senior Planner for the City of Fort Pierce while running Rooted in Change. The Florida Commission of Ethics found Gilmore used his position with the City to help the non-profit obtain the lease of the City owned lots for Rooted in Change.
So, what is going on in Fort Pierce? With a city manager under arrest, a mayor whose leadership style is giving off “bystander effect” vibes, and a commissioner wanting to toss out thank-you gifts like the city’s Oprah Winfrey, it’s time for the people of Fort Pierce to ask some tough questions. Maybe start with: Who’s actually running this city?
