To Date or Not to Date

HHow should Christians properly relate to the opposite sex? 1 Tim 5: 1 – 2 states, “Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren; The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity.”

The Bible is very clear that we are to treat each other as brothers and sisters.

We would not ‘date’ our brothers and sisters, but the persons we intend to marry.

We should therefore not have nor encourage romantic thoughts, attachments nor feelings towards our brothers and sisters unless you desire to marry that person. The scripture emphasises “…with all purity”.

Godly Courtship Not Casual Dating The Bible shows how we should enter into and maintain marriages successfully. God should be involved in every step of the process, before, during and after the vows are taken. Eccl. 4:12 tells us, “…a threefold cord is not easily broken”, (threefold = you, your spouse and God). Prov. 3: 5 - 6, says we should,”lean not to our own understandings but in all our ways to acknowledge Him and He will direct our paths.” That is, ALL OUR WAYS, not most or some of our ways. We may make mistakes [sin] in the process, but we should confess it to God, repent and practice doing right.

The Bible encourages us to conduct ourselves in a godly way in our relationships. So, avoid sexual activities and things that cause one to be sexually aroused. For example there should not be ‘Presex’- fondling or “French” kissing which will arouse you sexually. The Bible says “…greet the brethren with a holy kiss” 1 Thess. 5:26. If one kisses a brother or sister that they are not married to, then, they should ensure that it is holy. If it is not holy, one shouldn’t be engaged in it.

One should try as best as possible not to be alone or unsupervised with the opposite sex, especially with one’s intended for a number of reasons:

1. Personal protection from temptations for both of you, from sexual misconduct.

2. Protection of both your reputations.

Remember that believers and nonbelievers may think that you are engaged in premarital sexual activities and think that it is allowed. 2 Cor. 6:3

NLT says, ... “live in such a way that no one will stumble because of us, and no one will find fault with our ministry.” No wonder the Scriptures say, “The Gentiles blaspheme the name of God because of you” Rom 2:24 NLT

3. We are also taught that we shouldn’t defraud our brother sexually (1

Thess. 4: 4 - 7). It is wrong for two persons who are not yet married to each other to be engaged in sexual activity. If they decided not to marry each other then, the persons they eventually marry would have been

“defrauded” or robbed on their wedding night of the gift of each other’s purity.

Recommend steps in approaching marriage. 1. Preparation- Emotional -character and maturity; Financial- Career and material provision; Social-

Integrity and reputation within the community; Spiritual- Prayerful,

Bible based living.

2. THEN, Prayerfully seek God for guidance about your intention and then seek confirmation from family, friends and spiritual leaders.

3. If you believe it is the right move then approach and let them know your honest intentions and find out if the feelings are mutual.

4. Spend time developing your friendship with that person in a healthy, god honouring way.

5. Introduce them to the significant persons in your life e.g., your family, your close, godly friends, your pastor/elder/spiritual oversight, etc.

6. Get to know the significant persons in their life.

7. Find out the honest opinions of the significant persons in both of your lives. If there are any legitimate objections, try to solve them and ensure that they do not affect your future together. If the objections are not legitimate then ignore them respectfully.

8. If there are all green lights then get engaged and get premarital counselling.

9. Premarital Counsel- Both of you seek advice from trustworthy, godly family, friends, leaders/mentors and professionals.

10. After that, set the dates for the wedding and get married.

The reason behind these recommendations is to ensure that we make the best choice in a future spouse. Also, to ensure that we do not hurt each other because of wrong expectations. God would be upset if we hurt the emotions and possibly cripple His sons or daughters. Our marriages should last until Jesus returns or one or both of us passes from this life and ensure that God is honoured. Marriage is the ONLY institution that REPRESENTS the relationship between Christ and His Church, it is HOLY! p

by Pastor David Ferguson Bible teacher, Pastor of Restoration Family Church Int.