Divorced, Who Cares?

DIVORCED

WHO

CARES?

DDivorce is a subject that needs to be discussed in more depth than I have written. Having both been wonderfully saved by Jesus over 40 years ago and then called into ministry to serve the Body of Christ together, it was a total shock when my husband told me our marriage was over as he did not love me, not even like me and just felt pity for me as he was in a new relationship. This was said in one of a couple of meetings with our Pastoral oversight so it was a public statement. They tried to help us but both partners need to want to save a marriage. Divorce was the furthest thing from my mind but He did not want to even discuss reconciliation and there was no support ministry available.

We had grown apart in some ways; there was no more sex, physical affection or special times together so we channelled our energies into helping others, which took up our time. Meanwhile we neglected each other. As co Pastors I could not let anyone know, It felt hypocritical leading meetings, prayers and worship as if nothing was wrong. I was convinced we were just going through a ‘rough patch’. I couldn’t find any teaching or ministry, except ‘worldly ones’ that could help. I felt let down, disappointed and abandoned, until God’s word that He spoke when I first got saved ‘I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU OR FORSAKE YOU’ and so I returned to my home town to be near my family.

They helped in many ways but were shocked as they believed our marriage was strong.

Who Could I Turn To?

No one seemed to know how to help or minister to me apart from pray. Had I not known Jesus Christ, I would have taken my life. BUT Jesus is the Wonderful Counsellor and I knew that from my walk with Him, so I ran into HIM. I spent every day in my Bible, praying, seeking guidance and help.

I visited a church which was a new experience as a single woman and I felt like a leper when they found out I was divorced. I was shunned by most. I approached a couple of ministers for help but they did not really understand or had the experience to help. There were a couple of lovely Christians who supported me through this pain but every night I had to secure my little home and then I would go to a lonely bed and cry myself to sleep waking endless times, hoping this nightmare would end.

God saw me through this dark tunnel but it was a rough road, and after I came through this I tried to find a ministry that could help couples who had been in my situation. I came across DivorceCare and when I researched it I wondered why no one in Ministry had not known about it as it would have helped me. BUT GOD HIMself took me through the programme first so I knew it was right. What I fail to understand is why the church does not accept that there are people in their own churches going through failing marriages that could be helped by ministries like DivorceCare or even take the initiative to help such couples? Whether we like it or not divorce and troubled marriages exist in our society today. Divorce does not just happen overnight it is usually a slippery slope before that happens.

Having now been in the DivorceCare Ministry for a number of years I realise there is a misunderstanding of what love really is, a fear of acknowledging feelings and rejection especially will cause many marriages to fail. So couples put on a brave face deceiving themselves and those around them.

Divorce is becoming increasingly common in the Church and because all we know about it is, ‘ God hates Divorce’ we do not seek to explore ways in which we can, according to scripture, help to restore those relationships and help them through the worst time in their lives. The whole experience is hurtful and destructive, whether you are in the world or in the Church the pain is the same. Whilst ministering to families over the years, many cases included suicides. Divorce is one of the most shameful words in Christendom and causes unbelievable hurt and damage to those going through it, sometimes through no fault of their own.

Why God Hates Divorce

God revealed to me during this ministry the reason He hates divorce is He hates how it breaks up the family unit, a unit He ordained, and it’s the children, who however old, suffer the most. He does not hate the families involved. If we put our trust in Him He can bring restoration and forgiveness within the relationship. If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin.1John.9 For Christians, it can be harder especially those in ministry for they feel they have no one to turn to (this is another discussion altogether) I do not advocate Divorce far from it but I do believe this subject should be brought into the light and correct teaching on love and marriage is needed. It’s still all about a heart condition and I really struggled with this personally and then I read these words from Jesus: ‘ Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. Matthew 19.8

Love Is a Choice Not a Feeling

A true definition of love is 1 Corinthians 13.4 “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”

When we apply this scripture to our lives we can experience true love, we can choose to be patient, we can choose to be kind, and we can choose to behave as God commands. A short but powerful and life-changing passage that can strengthen our marriages and help us deepen our relationship with each other, our spouse and the body of Christ.

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12.2

As we see what Love really is we may have to change our minds to transform them to God’s word. Remember Love is a choice. p

By Barbara Payne intercessor, evangelist, minister, holds Women Unite events in the UK