Unmasking Christian Marriages

The dark secrets married couples won’t admit.

MMarriage is a legally, socially and spiritually binding union between a man and a woman that is regulated by laws, rules, customs and beliefs systems. It is designed by the Lord, and should depict the relationship between Christ and the church which represents the highest order of any human relationship. … “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh” (Ephesians5:31).

Christian marriages are supposed to set a good example for others to follow, yet this is not always the case. Sometimes abuse takes place in various ways that leave a trail of pain, anguish and sometimes death. In order to ‘keep up appearances’ couples in abusive relationships sometimes wear masks. They live a double life and mask themselves in order to hide the double standard and split personalities that they have in order to deceive others. They display an unpredictably dual nature as outwardly they appear good, but sometimes they have a shockingly evil personality.

At church or in public they appear to be very nice, loving and caring. At work they show kindness to coworkers. At home the mask is off and the true self is being revealed. The pretence is over and their evil personality is being displayed. The prowler is at work and the fangs are ready to attack as they abuse their spouses in many ways.

Physical abuse takes place if they beat or slap each other. They sometimes speak down to each other or belittle each other which is psychological abuse.

The husband may deny the wife money to take care of the necessities in the home, or prevents her from working as a means of control resulting in economic abuse.

They may deny each other sexual favours, or the husband may impose himself upon his wife sexually, leading to sexual abuse.

Another subtle form of abuse is spiritual abuse which involves using or misquoting scriptures to keep the wife in subjection by constantly reminding her to submit to him. The wife may use scriptures to make the husband feel guilty or worthless.

Masking also takes place when the wife has to hide the signs of abuse when there are signs from the beatings. She pretends that everything is fine and lies to cover up for her spouse.

The couple sometimes turn to the church for help. The church sometimes helps but at times is judgmental, powerless, untrained or unprepared to deal with such matters. It turns a blind eye and chooses to see only one spouse’s point of view. The masking is often further reinforced by spiritual leaders who, in order to ‘save the marriage’ ignore the reports of the abusive behaviour. They often blame one spouse or the other for being nagging, controlling or un-submissive, among other things. Some spiritual leaders fail to believe the victims and send the couple home to reconcile. Unmasking Christian marriages involve several key aspects. Church leaders must get help for the victims. They should not re-victimize them and should be able to provide a safe house, counselling and have a strong support group for them. They should deal with the abuser who must take responsibility for his/her actions, see the need for help and seek it. They should let the abuser know that his/her actions do not represent the image and likeness of Christ. Church leaders must also be trained to identify signs of abuse and address it in an impartial way. Discipline and correction must be administered based on the scriptures. They should be able to see beyond the mask of the abuser, the double personality, the charade and discern the truth. They should also educate their congregation and followers about abuse in marriage.

Critical questions to be answered are: Is the church really equipped to deal with this? Are the leaders themselves being masked, not admitting that they have no training in counselling and no experience to handle successful cases of Domestic Violence? They themselves need to be unmasked, by being honest to know that they need training to handle cases of domestic abuse and marital issues. It is time for the abusers to take off the masks. Let’s do it God’s way!!!

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Jennifer Williams A Christian for 44 years. Bible teacher, Writer, Administrator, Intercessor.