The Samoohi Saturday, April 1, 2023 | Santa Monica High School | Volume CXI - Issue VI
EXPOSED: THE STICKY TRUTH ABOUT
THE CAFETERIA’S
DISAPPEARING
SANDWICHES
This SMPD official went undercover at Samo for several months to investigate a case of missing cafeteria food items. These were the findings. Shakira Gretzky
Santa Monica Police Department Twitter Account Manager Shortly after the 2022-2023 school year began, a series of unprecedented robberies swept the Samo cafeteria. A new addition to the daily lunch menu, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, were reported missing at a rate of about one sandwich per spirit day announced by the Associated Student Body (known to the average student population as “ASB”). As the disappearances increased to as many as three per passing period on a block schedule day, I was called in by a student safety organization which has asked to remain under the pseudonym “JSP.” As the Santa Monica Police Department’s Twitter account director, I was the obvious choice for an undercover investigation that has taken place right under your noses. Using my finely honed vocabulary of your generation’s lingo and by observing your natural herd behavior at AMC 7 on the Promenade every Friday night (some of you might want to go a little easy on the liquid butter by the soda machine), I easily blended into the equilibrium of Grande Iced Starbucks Blonde Vanilla Lattes and uncontrolled Testosterone that is Santa Monica High School. This investigation, directed by myself, contains all of the information and evidence to reveal the true peanut butter and jelly sandwich thief. In November of 2022, after the sandwich disappearances started to spiral, they were all removed from the cafeteria following an authorized motion from Marae Cruce, Samo’s chief food critic. But what many people don’t know about Cruce is that she
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is also the Principal of the school. This, of course, made her my first suspect. With the widespread grief after the sudden relocation of prior Principal Dr. Antonio Shelton, the position was a perfect opening for the food critic to gain control over the cafeteria’s functions. Furthermore, students were purposefully blinded from her new role: by announcing her position every day in the Blue Bulletin announcements, Cruce could ensure that not one student would hear that she was in charge. The note that had Cruce’s fingerprints all over it read, verbatim:
Patrick Bennet-Johnson was taken into police custody on Tuesday, March 14. He was sentenced to one block period in jail with bail set to the cost of six ASB cards.
Tipped off by this menacing note, I followed Cruce for several days at the end of the month. However, my findings only revealed that she was innocent. Every day, Cruce went to the cafeteria for only one thing: its delectable yogurt and fruit parfaits. She even had a stash of more than 15 parfaits in the minifridge she hides under her desk in the Administration Building. Furthermore, the note was printed in the font Calibri, which can be seen in its repro-
duction to the left. Cruce types all of her documents on the mainstream SMMUSD Chromebooks – she is just as frustrated with you all about the fact that they log users out every time the computers are closed – meaning that she couldn’t have typed the note. Calibri is the default font of the software Microsoft Word, which is unavailable on Chromebooks and thus turned my investigation back to square one: the empty peanut butter and jelly sandwich receptacle in the cafeteria. Since then, I have painstakingly interrogated every person who has entered the area, which is why the line has been so long. After more than 1,500 recorded interviews, my own Chromebook (issued by the school to maintain my disguise as one of you) was overloaded and eventually died. Though I had more than 50 tabs open, which I will remind you is still lower than the average student’s number, I am convinced that the computer was overloaded by all of the MP3 files on my SMMK12 Google Drive account. Right when the computer died, I remembered that I had a multiple choice practice assignment due on AP Classroom in the next 20 minutes. I scoured the school for any chargers, but not one was on campus,
Shakira Gretzky / Santa Monica Police Department
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so I asked to use the high-tech PC in the Michigan Gate Security Office. That’s when it hit me: the sandwich robberies were not done by students, rather, they were an inside job. They had to be stolen by someone who had more access to the cafeteria than anyone else on campus; someone who spent even more time there than the rats in the Innovation Building. When I turned on the PC, the first software running was, you guessed it, Microsoft Word. Just as I made this realization, I was cornered into the office by Samo Security Officer Patrick Bennet-Johnson, initials PB&J. Just as he was threatening my off-campus lunch pass and confiscating my fake Student ID, I dropped my backpack and it thumped against the floor with an echo. I opened a hidden latch under the desk to a giant underground refrigerator (like the ones at Costco) and it was stocked to the brim with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. That was when I called for backup at the Santa Monica Police Department, and the head detectives arrived to detain him during that lunch period. I’m sorry that Donut King was so packed that day, it had been a tough week on the force with the recent excavation of the dragon ride at the pier. There will be a candlelight vigil on Easter Sunday. I hope to see you all there. I’d like to thank the entire Samo student body for assisting me in this search. It was the first time in my career at the SMPD that I felt like I could identify with my coworkers. I encourage you all to notify me if you suspect any more criminal activity, and I will do my best to update our Twitter account within the next 2-5 CIF Championship wins. Stay vigilant, and go Vikings. Sincerely, Shakira Gretzky; @smpdhq on Twitter thesamohistudentnewspaper@gmail.com