The Samoohi Saturday, April 1, 2023 | Santa Monica High School | Volume CXI - Issue VI
EXPOSED: THE STICKY TRUTH ABOUT
THE CAFETERIA’S
DISAPPEARING
SANDWICHES
This SMPD official went undercover at Samo for several months to investigate a case of missing cafeteria food items. These were the findings. Shakira Gretzky
Santa Monica Police Department Twitter Account Manager Shortly after the 2022-2023 school year began, a series of unprecedented robberies swept the Samo cafeteria. A new addition to the daily lunch menu, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, were reported missing at a rate of about one sandwich per spirit day announced by the Associated Student Body (known to the average student population as “ASB”). As the disappearances increased to as many as three per passing period on a block schedule day, I was called in by a student safety organization which has asked to remain under the pseudonym “JSP.” As the Santa Monica Police Department’s Twitter account director, I was the obvious choice for an undercover investigation that has taken place right under your noses. Using my finely honed vocabulary of your generation’s lingo and by observing your natural herd behavior at AMC 7 on the Promenade every Friday night (some of you might want to go a little easy on the liquid butter by the soda machine), I easily blended into the equilibrium of Grande Iced Starbucks Blonde Vanilla Lattes and uncontrolled Testosterone that is Santa Monica High School. This investigation, directed by myself, contains all of the information and evidence to reveal the true peanut butter and jelly sandwich thief. In November of 2022, after the sandwich disappearances started to spiral, they were all removed from the cafeteria following an authorized motion from Marae Cruce, Samo’s chief food critic. But what many people don’t know about Cruce is that she
Also in today’s issue...
MET sues ASB over prom “theme” News, page 2
is also the Principal of the school. This, of course, made her my first suspect. With the widespread grief after the sudden relocation of prior Principal Dr. Antonio Shelton, the position was a perfect opening for the food critic to gain control over the cafeteria’s functions. Furthermore, students were purposefully blinded from her new role: by announcing her position every day in the Blue Bulletin announcements, Cruce could ensure that not one student would hear that she was in charge. The note that had Cruce’s fingerprints all over it read, verbatim:
Patrick Bennet-Johnson was taken into police custody on Tuesday, March 14. He was sentenced to one block period in jail with bail set to the cost of six ASB cards.
Tipped off by this menacing note, I followed Cruce for several days at the end of the month. However, my findings only revealed that she was innocent. Every day, Cruce went to the cafeteria for only one thing: its delectable yogurt and fruit parfaits. She even had a stash of more than 15 parfaits in the minifridge she hides under her desk in the Administration Building. Furthermore, the note was printed in the font Calibri, which can be seen in its repro-
duction to the left. Cruce types all of her documents on the mainstream SMMUSD Chromebooks – she is just as frustrated with you all about the fact that they log users out every time the computers are closed – meaning that she couldn’t have typed the note. Calibri is the default font of the software Microsoft Word, which is unavailable on Chromebooks and thus turned my investigation back to square one: the empty peanut butter and jelly sandwich receptacle in the cafeteria. Since then, I have painstakingly interrogated every person who has entered the area, which is why the line has been so long. After more than 1,500 recorded interviews, my own Chromebook (issued by the school to maintain my disguise as one of you) was overloaded and eventually died. Though I had more than 50 tabs open, which I will remind you is still lower than the average student’s number, I am convinced that the computer was overloaded by all of the MP3 files on my SMMK12 Google Drive account. Right when the computer died, I remembered that I had a multiple choice practice assignment due on AP Classroom in the next 20 minutes. I scoured the school for any chargers, but not one was on campus,
Shakira Gretzky / Santa Monica Police Department
Inside the top 3 Samo conspiracies Opinion, p. 3
so I asked to use the high-tech PC in the Michigan Gate Security Office. That’s when it hit me: the sandwich robberies were not done by students, rather, they were an inside job. They had to be stolen by someone who had more access to the cafeteria than anyone else on campus; someone who spent even more time there than the rats in the Innovation Building. When I turned on the PC, the first software running was, you guessed it, Microsoft Word. Just as I made this realization, I was cornered into the office by Samo Security Officer Patrick Bennet-Johnson, initials PB&J. Just as he was threatening my off-campus lunch pass and confiscating my fake Student ID, I dropped my backpack and it thumped against the floor with an echo. I opened a hidden latch under the desk to a giant underground refrigerator (like the ones at Costco) and it was stocked to the brim with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. That was when I called for backup at the Santa Monica Police Department, and the head detectives arrived to detain him during that lunch period. I’m sorry that Donut King was so packed that day, it had been a tough week on the force with the recent excavation of the dragon ride at the pier. There will be a candlelight vigil on Easter Sunday. I hope to see you all there. I’d like to thank the entire Samo student body for assisting me in this search. It was the first time in my career at the SMPD that I felt like I could identify with my coworkers. I encourage you all to notify me if you suspect any more criminal activity, and I will do my best to update our Twitter account within the next 2-5 CIF Championship wins. Stay vigilant, and go Vikings. Sincerely, Shakira Gretzky; @smpdhq on Twitter thesamohistudentnewspaper@gmail.com
The Samohi
02 March 31, 2048
News
English teacher Pete Barraza goes ham for Hamlet Jenna Tulls Staff Writer
AP Literature, California Literature and English 10 Teacher Pete Barraza is making school news after being caught on online messaging boards sharing links to his fanfiction — a story or series of stories shared online about fictional characters derived from popular books, TV shows or movies — based on William Shake-
speare’s famous play, “Hamlet.” Barraza’s writings were discovered online by a student “casually surfing the web,” who realized it was him by the username @95bruinsfan, adjacent to his personal email address. The student provided no comment when asked what they were doing when they found it, and would rather remain anonymous. “I was honestly shocked when I saw it and I had to tell everybody,” they said. “You’d think he would use a pseudonym or something unrecognizable but I guess not.” Barraza is recognized by most students for his passionate and imaginative lessons about the different required readings from the College Board. When students found his creative narratives on online fanfiction websites like Wattpad, AO3 and Tumblr they discov-
ered that his stories vary with many different characters and storylines. For example: Fortinbras x Ophelia, Ophelia x Reader, Horatio x Hamlet and even the 10k follower special Hamlet x Gertrude. In addition to the characters of Hamlet, he also crossed over some literature boundaries, combining different Shakespearen tales to produce Horatio x Mercutio (from Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet”) and King Claudius x King Lear (from “King Lear”). Barraza’s literary creativity was portrayed with some punny titles surrounding Shakespeare, including “Tempted by The Tempest,” “He Came Into My Midsummer Night’s Dream” and “He Tamed Me Like a Shrew.” Students also dis-
covered links to some of his other works, including imagines — a type of shorter fanfiction where the reader can imagine they’re in the specified situation provided — about some popular female authors, like Toni Morrison, Flannery O’Connor, Jhumpa Lahiri and even the controversial J.K. Rowling. After being discovered, his page increased in popularity, with 3.7k new profile visits and 2k new followers. Post Barraza’s newfound school-celebrity status, he looked on his discovery with a positive view. “I’m just glad I don’t have to hide it anymore,” Barraza said. “I can receive student support, constructive criticism and even requests. Anything to get the student body more excited about Shakespeare.” While Barraza faced criticism from some of his colleagues, the student response was positive and humorous. Due to the increase in popularity among the students, many are campaigning for a FanFiction Literature/ Writing class beginning in the 2023-2024 school year, either as an add-on to the already established Shakespeare Literature or as a replacement for the class. thesamohistudentnewspaper@gmail.com
MET sues over prom “theme” Nikachu88 Staff Writer
On February 20, the Metropolitan Museum of Art sued Samo’s Associated Student Body committee for copyright infringement after Samo themed their 2023 prom “Met Gala”. When Instagram posts began to flood the internet after a plethora of Samo students complained about the controversial theme, the news spread to Met Gala officials. Within minutes, officials contacted Anna Wintour, the president of the Met Gala since 1995. “The Met Gala is a highly exclusive and respected event,” Wintour said. “For Santa Monica High School to make a mockery of the fundraiser with an unplanned and unthought-out theme for prom is preposterous. We will be contacting the SoFi stadium to ensure that the prom will not be able to be held at the arena” Samo was served with a lawsuit and had their first court date soon after on March 1. The trial is ongoing but is filled with a wide range of testimony from Samo ASB students like Hanna Skikne (’23). Skikne is the head of communications for Samo’s ASB and has prepared a few words for the next hearing. “And you something that was about somebody
and in which ladies how do you how do I get for Samo,” Skikne said. “You know?” Samo has hired Adele to represent them against Wintour and her team. Adele has never attended a Met Gala and feels strongly that she can lead Samo to victory in the case. “I think it’s ridiculous that Samo can’t have their prom because of a stupid theme,” Adele said. “The Met Gala itself is a joke, I’ve never been and I never plan on going. Why does Ms. Wintour get to stop some high school students from having fun?” Despite Adele’s support, Samo ASB has become fearful about the outcome of their prom, and are worried about funding for upcoming school years if they lose the case. A few ASB students, like Industrial Revolution (’27), were caught outside the Whole Foods on Montana selling gathered supplies from around Samo, like extra chairs, drying machines and paint samples from the peeling paint coming off the walls of the Language Building. “It has been rough trying to pay off the money we continue to lose in the case,” Revolution said. “At this rate, I am not even sure that Samo will be able to fund sports for the upcoming school years. The whole case has been super rough on the Samo community.” thesamohistudentnewspaper@gmail.com
#1 THG Fan / The Samohi
ASB seniors were especially dissapointed by prom’s cancellation, having planned their outfits since before even announcing the theme to the general public. President Nathan Castanaza (top right), Vice President Egan Wakatole (bottom right) and Treasurer Kaya Schwartz (left) show off their flashy and flamboyant outfits.
Samo goes up in flames as everyone ignores the fire alarm
Shakira Gretzky / The Samohi
A few concerned students fled the fire, but most people stayed in class, preferring to brave the flames than descend the infinitely long staircases and having to retake their test during flex time.
Emi-ly Dickinson Staff Writer
At the end of first period on Thursday, March 23, a fire broke out in Samo’s Music Building. After three hours, staff identified the fire as a danger to students and called emergency services. Firefighters responded promptly and doused the blaze at
12:48 PM. The fire began when an old outlet sparked, igniting a clarinet. Flames spread to the sheet music library, orchestra room and historic Barnum Hall. As the fire rose, a flaming viola string snapped and launched itself from the Music Building into a thirdfloor Discovery Building classroom window, which caused the whole level
to light on fire. Smoke from the buildings triggered fire alarms throughout campus. When few teachers responded to the blaring cacophony, the alarms gave up of their own accord and let the school burn in silence. Faculty declined to comment on their response to the fire. Despite the presence of smoke emanating from all corners of the campus, staff continued teaching their classes until higher-up faculty announced it as a sitewide emergency and called 911. Students then evacuated to the baseball fields. One tweed-clad English teacher, self-introduced as “Piggy from Lord of the Flies’ #1 Fan,” compared the situation to the classic tale of the boy who cried wolf, claiming that the alarm had falsely gone off so many times before that nobody believed this one was real. Student Name (’38) provided their thoughts. They were apparently unaware of the lack of bathrooms in the Music Building. “Yeah, I think we’re all still convinced the alarm started because a kid was smoking in the choir bathroom or whatever,” Name said. “You’re tell-
ing me it wasn’t?” Several students received mild smoke inhalation and burns on their way out, but no students or staff members were grievously injured. However, a number of classroom projectors were damaged in all affected buildings and all the trophies in the band room melted together; they formed an immense conglomeration of gold-plated plastic. 48 school-owned and 19 student-owned instruments were lost, according to Flau Tist (’06), whose flute was destroyed in the fire. “People are telling me that I should sue Samo for how late they responded, but honestly, I understand,” Tist said. “I mean, I would’ve done the same.” Campus damages also include the mass of dirt and sludge in the pit of the Greek Theater, which appeared to catch fire around 11:15 AM. Samo’s science department reports that a strange, highly flammable film of moss grew on the surface and teachers are currently speaking with professionals to get the moss classified as a new species. Additionally, Barnum Hall — connected to the Music
Building — burned to the ground. A memorial service will be held in the Greek Theater if the janitorial crew can find a way to clear the toxins released by the moss away from the amphitheater. Students and staff alike are devastated by these damages, but some are still perplexed by how the fire began. Orch Dork (’81) expressed their confusion. “I just thought it was a normal part of an orchestra rehearsal,” Dork said. “You know, ritual sacrifice or something.” In an email that was sent district-wide, faculty reported that construction cost inflation in Santa Monica makes the price of rebuilding over $1.7 billion dollars. This means Samo will have to live with a charred campus, “quite possibly forever.” The email also stated the establishment of a safety plan that was deemed “highly effective.” It can be read below: “Going forward, students and staff will actually respond and evacuate classrooms in the event of an emergency,” the announcement said. thesamohistudentnewspaper@gmail.com
The Samohi march 31, 2004 03
OPINION Samo students suffer without Sonny’s songs
Coolandfunnygirl47 Staff Writer
It’s a Tuesday after school, 3:43 PM. You hear angels singing from a block away. The heavenly sound comes closer. It’s the guy on the bike. This unnamed hero rides around the outskirts of Samo, typically residing in the Donut King parking lot. With over-the-ear headphones on, likely noise-canceling ones, he belts sweet lullabies of rock music for the whole city of Santa Monica to hear. After extensive research from our team of analysts, the official TikTok that this mystery man posts under is named @capt. js9. The alias he goes by is ‘Captain Jake Sonny’. After scrolling for nearly ten minutes, we discovered that his first TikTok dates back to June 2, 2021. He calls himself the ‘RoMo of SaMo’, which means role model of Santa Monica. While much of his persona is based on
rock and roll, Captain Jake Sonny also enjoys the popular TV show South Park. Family Guy edits along with ‘try not to laugh’ challenges filter throughout his page. Along with, of course, him riding his bike and singing. No matter what the school day was like, students relied on the angelic vocal cords of Sonny. After being MIA for quite some time, the students of Samo grew worried about his whereabouts. One student, Alise Serna-Fischer (‘24) contacted us to voice her concern about Sonny’s sudden disappearance. “He would walk me home after school. Well, he would ride his bike really slow and I would walk. But he would do it when I didn’t even ask him to. Well, he would ride his bike beside me, not talk and follow me home. But he really went out of his way to make us feel loved,” Serna-Fischer said.
March 3, 2023 marks the one-year anniversary of the tragic event that happened to Jake Sonny. While out on one of his typical bike rides, a mysterious aged woman found his singing rather horrific and vulgar. She began to attack Sonny with her cane, he pulled out the lock for his bike and began swinging it in her face while screaming swear words at her. Sonny’s incident was recieved with overwhelming support from the Santa Monica community. The woman was banished from the streets of Santa Monica by his fans and fled the state in fear of facing the mob again. Captain Jake Sonny’s disappearance from the Santa Monica community has caused an uproar of pleas from students and fans all over the city. Captain Jake Sonny, if you are reading this, please come home.
Art by Shakira Gretzky
thesamohistudentewspaper@gmail.com
Beta to alpha: The road less followed Tampon Florida Staff Writer
As a cold-blooded alpha male, my inferiors try to drag me down to their level. The misguided females in this generation like to say I’m the epitome of fragile masculinity. However, those “women” are simply unable to contain themselves when facing a true alpha, or at least, sigma. The relationship between men and women is very primal and the power dynamic is changing as women are gaining independence, but not to worry. I am here today to teach all the omegas how to go from zero to hero and assert their dominance as powerful men. As men, why should we settle for being a beta, delta, gamma or -- god forbid -- omega? If you want to rise up the ranks, you’re going to need to shave your head. Think of Mr. Clean and Dwyane “The Rock” Johnson, two universally beloved men who are treasured because of, and not in spite of, their incredible baldness. Shiny, bald, and oiled up. What do those terms remind you of? Babies, they remind me of babies. Women love babies and
their sparse little hairs. As soon as a woman recognizes the magnetic shine of your temples she will be drawn to you by the ache in her ovaries. It is purely biological. For this reason, I take a straight edge razor along my scalp every day at sunrise and sundown. A perk of this is my newfound ability to use the light from my scalp to burn ants on the ground the same way a child might do with a magnifying glass. Equally important to becoming an alpha is diet. Only eat chicken, rice, and protein shakes for every meal of the day. Extra two points if you slaughtered the animal yourself. There is nothing like feeling
the life leave a small bird’s body to reassure you of your masculinity. You can also use the feathers from said bird to tar and feather your beta male friends. Do not e v e n think of putting a pinch of paprika on that chicken! If you cannot devour a plain lukewarm raw chicken you simply don’t deserve to call yourself a man. Fashion-wise, it is incredibly important to wear skinny jeans. Your jeans should look like they were plastered onto your skin. In fact, they should literally be spackled on with acrylic paint every morning for the full alpha effect. Paired with a muscle tee and some open-toed shoes,
women will be unable to resist you. The powerful pheromones between your manly unkempt toes will add to this effect. When it comes to media, make sure to watch exclusively male-lead stories and male artist because we all know the stories and opinions of men are being hushed and censored. Tales of overcoming and growing into your true alpha self may help young betas on their journey. Men like myself idolize characters like Patrick Bateman (more on the sigma side) or Jordan Belfort (the alpha supreme). Their complete lack of respect or empathy for those around them is very inspiring. Gentlemen, take it from me, the manliest man of all. If you want all of womankind to cower under your gaze, stick with me and follow these simple but important rules.If you liked these tips, make sure to check out my podcast and subscribe to my Alpha Warrior Wolf Pack Leader God Among Women Workshop. Art by Audrat Stramouse
thesamohistudentewspaper@gmail.com
BREAKING: Top three Samo conspiracies Audrat Stramouse Staff Writer
After receiving a letter at midnight last week from a student under the alias of Owen Lee Fax, the Samo reporting team went into action to get the truth. That’s right the unfiltered facts, out to you— the people. As we embark on this journey, I must warn you… these may be uncomfortable, hard to stomach, and downright sickening. But is that not the cost of the truth? 1. UNDERGROUND CATACOMBS While Owen Lee Fax’s identity is just as much a mystery to me as it is to all of you, we do know this: they’re a yoga student. On one slow day of yoga, Fax decided to do something a little more exciting. After sneaking out of the classroom and deciding to skip class, Fax searched the basement area for a good place to hide out until the period was over. Little did they know just how much trouble they were about to get into, and just how much better getting caught skipping would’ve been than what they stumbled upon next. “Right across the hall from the yoga room, there’s an iron cast door,” Fax said. “It was hard to open, but with a little
pushing, I managed. From the second that door started to move, I knew something bad was behind it. I entered and was met with a sight more ghastly than I could have ever imagined. Skulls lined up and down the walls, spiders skittering everywhere. I left before anything could get out the way I got in.” That’s right: Samo is home to a series of underground catacombs. Is this a fantastic historical find or something much darker?
2. MONEY LAUNDERING Call me delusional or call it divine intuition, but we all see those seasonal ads for those band “mattress sales.” What is a high school doing selling mattresses that cost hundreds of dollars? Surely. There’s not that much demand for them. How often does one person replace their mattress? And if you were to, would you purchase it at a high school? After Owen Lee Fax’s letter, I set my plan into action to get to the bottom of this conspiracy myself. First, I took a risk for one of the sales. I withdrew a couple hundred dollars from the ATM and I was ready to splurge— if the money laundering front actually sold mattresses. I remember the exchange perfectly. I had a simple request for a twin-sized mattress. A small mattress for someone of my size and age, I’m aware, but on an investigator’s salary, it’s a hard task to buy things on a whim. Yet I saw the salesman’s face turn pale; beads of sweat dripped down the side of his face. He tried not to let me see it, but his hand slipped under the table and pressed some kind of button. Probably a warning to the rest of the staff that they had been found out. I couldn’t help my smirk. This was going to be a massive takedown and I was the one who figured it out! I was soon handed some forms to fill out. My shipping address, things like that. They said they’d ship it to me in a few weeks, but
here we are months later, and I’m matress-less. In fact, I’m writing this very article from the bare springboard of my bed. The next step is in the hands of the people. Protest. Take to the streets, make your voices heard and we can end this scam. 3. WE’RE NOT INVITED? It’s a well known fact that something about the theatre program at Samo is… well, a little off. There’s this loyalty the kids in the program have to their jobs of singing and dancing, the way they talk about what goes on behind Barnum Hall’s closed doors in hushed voices. Something is going on in that class, that social group, but what? The Samohi’s reporters have questioned this for quite a while. Trust me, we’ve tried. We’ve sent undercover agents to infiltrate, but the same thing happens every time. Conversion. Before you know it, they’re loyal to only one thing, and that’s the theatre council. That’s why we turned to our last resort: Owen Lee Fax. Now, Fax has been going to theater meetings, getting close with the leads, and doing everything they can to expose the truth. “There’s a Roast.” Fax said. This turned heads at the journalism office. A roast? What sort of roast? Well, after analyzing splatters of something red on Fax’s letter, tests came back true for one thing: barbeque sauce. Now, I don’t mean to jump to conclusions, but this must mean the roast is a Pig Roast. It seems harmless enough, but let’s take a step back and track the larger pattern. Secret Pig Roasts the rest of the school isn’t invited to, lies, traps. Is this hivemind not frightening? Is it crazy to say it’s more than a secret roast, more like a secret society— with all the pork they could eat. Art by Shakira Gretzky
thesamohistudentewspaper@gmail.com
Dear Reader, I am Mama Bear Karen, mother of one precious 17-year-old son, and wife to stunningly handsome and incredibly successful heart surgeon, Ned. Originally, I started this blog to share my favorite tips on catching up with the new lingo (#COOLMOM), my favorite fashion and beauty tips for a timeless look and my life as a stay-at-homemom and part time homeschooler! But after finding an audience that loves to listen to my passions, I now document my journey as a growing mother with my family who is my life, support crew and biggest cheerleaders; as well as my hobbies outside of my son (if there is any time left in the day - hahaha!). I love being involved in my community and I get a kick out of being an avid member of neighborhood watch and homeowners association. There is a lot going on in the world these days, but I always preach to put my family first because they are what keep me going. If this sounds like you or you would like to join my community, dive right into the next article on this page… if you dare!
Best haircut of the year Karen Stewart
Pic I showed my hairdresser!
Are you looking to spruce things up for the upcoming spring season? Well, so was I, until I was scrolling through facebook and saw my fellow PTA moms with this amazing new hairstyle. Your hairdresser may refer to it as the inverted bob, but that’s actually a code for the “Karen hairstyle” (named after me of course). I was first noticed for this hairstyle at my local Trader Joe’s, where everyone was giving me looks for complaining about the unripe avocados. Fun right?
I miss when I could still hold my kids (and my husband)!
But the best attention I got was when I picked up my son and his friend from school the other day. I heard my son’s friend saying he would “rizz me up” followed by a look of disgust on my son’s face. I am not too sure what that means, but I just know it was because of the haircut since he was looking at me up and down more than usual. Once you change to this new look, you will feel like a different person. You will gain a sense of superiority and confidence that makes you say
anything that comes to mind, and express your feelings in a totally respectful manner. So if you’re looking to spice up your life, or find yourself a new husband, consider converting to the Karen Hairstyle.
Karen’s Activity Created a post:
On March 9, a gang made their way past Samo’s trusty security system and onto the campus at 6:23pm. The second I saw this through our CCV cameras, I drove my SUV down to school-- not without telling @YoungandFaithfulMama where I was going, of course. It’s always important to have a buddy in a safe location to watch your back. By the time I arrived, I was terrified that it was too late. And honestly? I think if I had arrived just a few seconds later, it would’ve been. I heard their heavy footsteps, prepubescent giggling… my heart STOPPED. I’ve always considered myself a sort of super-mom, but was this magical mommy ready to take on a threat this scary all on her own? The answer might’ve been no, but I wasn’t about to let that stop me. The kids’ safety comes first. I followed those squeaky and cracking voices the best I could, all the way to their ‘spot’. I used my Samo skelton key to get into the room seamlessly… holding my shovel (which I always keep in my purse in case of campus beautification emergencies) out as a makeshift weapon. Bursting through the door, the first thing I heard were screams, which was how I knew I’d made the right call. As my eyes scanned the room, I saw pizza, soda.. whiteboards? Really, I can’t explain my surprise enough. What could a gang possibly be doing with snacks and white boards? That’s when their little leader said it. “P-Please! Don’t hurt us! We’re just the mathletes!” In his weak 16-year-old voice. I didn’t believe him, not at first, but after some classic mom-guilt, I got him to find his school ID and prove it. This time might’ve been a false alarm, yes, but I have no shame about the brave way I acted. Better to be safe than sorry. 3 THANKS 2 REPLIES next_door_freind222 This is a fight that we won’t back down. You are a brave soul and powerful woman, I commend you. mother.of.all.h3ns The kids these days no longer have any respect for their authority figures… Please make sure to alert their parents—they probably aren’t active in the community (or at home).
Created a post:
My, and many other doting moms, saving grace. I think I can speak for all of us when I say that I used to be a tad bit addicted to this app. It was like I couldn’t stop checking my phone every 10 seconds to see what my kids were up to. I must admit, I’ve always been the most worried about Ethan. I don’t play favorites, but when I was little, I always imagined myself having a boy. So how can I be blamed for putting a little extra care and affection into how I raise him? And he’s the youngest, my little baby. He needs the extra TLC. Still, I’d see where my daughter was from time to time. I’m more chillaxed about her than I am about Ethan. She’s allowed to stay out until 7:00, if she gets permission. Don’t call me a bad mom for these laid-back rules! I would never even consider them if I didn’t have this perfect little app. So here’s where our issue occurred. Picture this. I fell asleep at 6:45pm after an exhausting day of work, assuming my daughter would be home soon. Now it’s 7:15, I’m up. And my daughter? Nowhere to be found. I always say 7:30 is the midnight of the suburbs, so having my kid still out this late was frankly bizarre. As always, my husband tried his best to help, texting her to come home, but there was really no point in his efforts. This was yet another task for mom. With the help of Life360, I pinpointed her location, and ran to my car. She was only a few blocks away, and I’ll be damned if I ever miss my chance to teach a lesson. I cruised right up beside her, glaring at her the whole time. She and her friends were walking in a herd like they had something to hide. She said she was on her way home, and that they just had a long walk back, but these were excuses I didn’t care for. What would’ve happened if I didn’t find her? Mugging? An attack? Kidnapping? I don’t want to think about it, and thanks to Life360, I don’t have to. So to any moms considering it: do it! Get Life360, and keep your kiddies safe. 10 THANKS 5 REPLIES responsible-parent-of-3 I am deeply sorry that you, a fellow mother and member of the community, had to deal with this. Mommy_to_ALL For some reason, my daughter’s Life360 doesn’t work…please help. kutie.kisses I’m grieving for the loss of my child. No, he did not die, but he is rarely home before nine. Like your child, he stays out past his curfew and doesn’t want to spend time with me anymore. He’s dead to me and my husband.
The Samohi
06 March 31, 1998
Student Life
Samo Administration releases new Academic Vocabulary List Drew Peacock The SMMUSD Administration have recently released a new list of academic vocabulary that they think all students Staff Writer should know. Superintendent Dr. Mark Kelly used Urban Dictionary and Pop Buzz to obtain these helpful definitions.
378. BAD-LACKING
MID-ZESTY 379.
Bad adj. Describing a female/male appearance in a good way. [...] It’s used to replace words like sexy and fine. “Damn she bad.” Ba·ka n. Baka means ‘idiot’, ‘stupid’, ‘fool’ or ‘dumb’ in Japanese language. “You silly baka!” Buss·in’ adj. What you would say if something was really good. “These fries be bussin’ bussin’.” Cheu·gy adj. The opposite of trendy. Stylish in middle school and high school but no longer in style. “Those skinny jeans are cheugy.”
Mid adj. Mid is a word to describe something that is mediocre. It’s not something that is bad, but it’s not something that is good either; middle. “The cafeteria food was mid.” N ·P ·C n. A non-player character “Why are you literally an NPC?” Opp n. - Short for opposition, an enemy/ someone you don’t [get along with].” “Ms. Cruce is lowkey my opp.” Purr v. A different word to use instead of ‘period.’ “PURR QUEEN!” Rizz n. Rizz’ refers to someone’s ability to attract a love interest. “He just rizzed her. He’s literally the rizzard of oz.”
Cuh n. Short for cousin. Used to refer to a person as your friend/homie. “Cuhh.”
Simp n. It’s a term for [someone] who will do absolutely anything for [someone] in the hopes of [...] a relationship in return. “Get over her you’re such a simp”
Fin·na v. Going to. “You finna pull up to the function?”
Jit n. Juvenile in training “What’s up jit?”
Sus adj. A shorter version of the word “suspect”. Usually used to define someone or something that looks suspicious or untrustworthy. “Why is he looking at you like that, kinda sus.”
Goon n. Generally slow witted, or goofy. “The goon squad is in the innovation bathroom right now.”
Zes·ty adj. Meaning you look snazzy and gay. “Your tighty whities are so zesty.”
Lack·ing adj. When someone is unaware/not paying attention. “Caught lacking in 4k.”
A lesson on usage from Samo’s campus experts We have asked a few English teachers here at Samo to use these words in a sentence, without actually knowing the meaning of the words—for teaching purposes.
Randy Dennis
NPC - “The social studies department? They’re full of wack-ass NPC’s.”
Jit - “After he had too much Taco Bell for lunch, he had to jit to the bathroom all period.”
Bussin’ - “I was late to class because I had to go bussin’ in the restroom.”
Purr - “It was time to get rid of my car and get a purr-er one.”
Purr - “I got a super purr ride waiting in the garage for me.”
Gilda de la Cruz
Zesty - “The volleyball players were zesty on the court, hitting with fire and butter.”
Pete Barraza
Simp- “The student was so mad because his simp ran out of power.”
Cheugy - “Stop trying to get cheugy with it, you know you didn’t do the reading.” Opp - “I’m gonna get my op on when I open this can of you-know-what.”
Spice up your wardrobe with these up-and-coming fashion trends Sandy But
Is your closet dull, basic, or just so last year? Well look no further when searching for clothing inspiration. Here is a precisely curated list of what fashion trends you should expect to apear during the 2023 spring/summer season. Hats are in: Wear a Fedora! Want to Look Fire? Wear Flames!
Staff Writer
Shakira Gretzky / The Samohi
If you’re wanting to spice up your wardrobe, look towards headwear when picking out an outfit. Fedoras are slowly becoming all the rage; expect to see more and more of this fashion-forward hat. As it’s an absolute statement piece, you should try to grab one while you still can.
Want to Have That Rugged Look? Try Trash Core/ Distressed Fashion!
Shakira Gretzky / The Samohi
Feel the need to look unbathed? Try this new and super edgy look… pre-dirtied and/or distressed clothing saves one the hassle of doing it themselves. No need to wait for the wear and tear that comes with time when you can buy clothing like this for the minor cost of $425.
Shakira Gretzky / The Samohi
Do you know you’re hot, but want to make sure other people do as well? Wear prints depicting fire, so everyone can see just how hot you truly are.
Do you Love and Want To Accentuate Your Feet? Try Toe Socks!
Sydney, Australia / The Samohi
Feet are so in, being the topic of many online discussions. From Nickelodeon children’s shows to many films by Quentine Tarentino, the love for people’s toes seem to be all the rage. So with this serge of feet-loving, join in on accentuating your digits with toe socks.
Even When it isn’t Wet: Wear Water Shoes!
Sydney, Australia / The Samohi
Are you a Californian, fearing the occasional chance of rain? Stay prepared with not only a practical, but also a fashionable pair of water shoes. No matter rain or shine, you will be undeniably stylish if wearing this weather friendly footwear.
Love Everything England? Wear Chav-Inspired Makeup!
Shakira Gretzky / The Samohi
Have an obsession with British culture? Whether it be the accent, a celebrity or the royal family themselves, it is clear that being British is so in season. If you want to join in on the fun, try this makeup look!
SPORTS
Samo’s flirtiest face-off Drew Peacock Staff Writer
Kai Necci
Ryan Kriegel
Drew Peacock/ The Samohi
The Samohi March 31, 1979 The senior polls recently nominated these five students as most flirty, so we put them to the test to determine the ultimate rizzard of samo. Each of the contestants came with their best pick-up line, tactics and a final reason as to why they have the best rizz. Our judges then carefully analyzed their answers to create the final rizz ranking of Samo.
Simona Trent
Drew Peacock/ The Samohi
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Kaine Zeoli
Drew Peacock/ The Samohi
Rebekah Raphling
Riyanna/ The Samohi
Riyanna/ The Samohi
“Your legs must be tired from running through my head all day.“
“Hey girl, are you McDonalds? Cause I’m lovin’ it. Badabum da da. (Pro tip: bite your bottom lip aggressively.)”
“Hey my name is Microsoft, can I crash at your place tonight?”
“I send a picture of a car crash and say hey girl imma need your number for insurance purposes.”
“Do u believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?”
“My rizz tactics are to look her up and down, look her in the eyes and smile”
“The perfect date starts at Santa Monica Seafood watching lobsters fight—we bring our own Go-Gurts. After, back to my place for Heinz Baked Beans and Cars 2.”
“My tactic is being a twitch streamer.”
“I’m pretty good at dancing and at parties girls are into that so it works pretty well”
“My number one rizz tactic is freestyle rapping in front of them (the boys love that one).”
“I have the best rizz because the ladies love short kings.”
“I’m a bad boy. I never tie my shoes, never wear deodorant, and never thank the bus driver.”
“I have the best rizz because it works :)”
“I’m the probably the best looking guy at the school so rizz just comes naturally”
“I have the best rizz just bc I probably have the best personality ever (I’m 5’6 add me on snap @rebekahraphling)”
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4
8
6
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Ryan Kriegel Kai Necci
Rebekah Raphling Simona Trent
Kaine Zeoli
Art by Aili Forster
Samo Overheard - Sports Edition *Insert Headline here Nikachu88
icloud girl & Hawener
Staff Writer
Sports Editors
Everyone knows that sports coaches are constantly saying out-of-pocket things to get As sports editors, complaints about our sports article’s their teams hyped up or to snap them into shape. Sometimes, sports coaches are the most headlines are frequent. We’ve heard your complaints that brutal high school bullies of them all. Whether about sports teams or towards players, we they’re “corny” or “cringe”, but we ask that you understand listened in on some of the conversations surrounding sports at Samo. that many of our great headlines have not been printed due to “professionalism”. When we’re left to brainstorm ideas late into our paste-up nights; most of our ideas become chaotic. We cannot let these drafts just go to waste however, so today, “Don’t photograph him we have put together a list of a few of our unseen headlines.
I don’t want his stupid hair in the newspaper” tennis coach about player on team
“How come journalism doesn’t cover ACADECA in their sports section?”Mr. Gaida
“Stop being afraid and get pegged!” - tennis coach, unaware of what peg means thesamohinewspaper@gmail.com
“Girls Water Polo season is H2O-ver” “What the Hecht is happening with boys basketball” “Wrestling finishes on top - all of LA came” “Water Polo dips their toes into the new season” “Water Polo 2022 season: just barely staying afloat” thesamohinewspaper@gmail.com
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The Samohi March 31, 1903
Sports
Audrey Strauss / The Samohi
The MAZE
Entrance
Mad Libs: Walk in the park
One day, a _______ _______ named ______ decided to take a walk in the
[adjective] _______ park.
[noun]
[name]
[adjective]
Suddenly, a ______ ______ appeared out of nowhere and started to _____ _______
[adjective] [noun]
[verb]
[adverb].
________ was completely surprised and had no idea what to do. [Name]
Then, a _______ _____ came to the rescue! This _______ _____was [adjective] [noun]
[adjective] [noun]
carrying bag of __________ and offered one to_____ . _____ hesitated at first, [plural noun]
[name] . [Name]
[noun]
[Name]
thinking it might be a trick, but then decided to take one. It was the tastiest ______ ______ had ever eaten! ______ and the _____ ate the [name]
[noun]
rest of the _______together while _____________ and ______________. [plural noun]
[verb ending in -ing]
[verb ending in -ing].
At that moment, ______ realized that sometimes the best things in life are [name]
unexpected. From that day on, ______and the ________became the best of friends and _____ [name]
[noun]
[verb ending in -ed]
to every corner of the ________city, _________and ____________ [adjective]
[adjective]
through every adventure that came their way. The end.
[verb ending in -ing]
Chatgpt/ Contributor
thesamohistudentnewspaper@gmail.com icloud girl/ The Samohi
Faculty Advisor
Faasil Fuels
The Samohi is a monthly newspaper by, for and about Santa Monica High School students. Our goal is to empower the student body through information. We do not represent the views of the administration or staff. We do not endorse advertisements placed in our paper.
Editor-in-Chief
Ball Sak
Managing Editors
Riyanna PersianPrincess1 Copy Editor
Sienna N. Cleo News Editors
#1 THG Fan I Don’t Know
Centerspread Editors
Student Life Editor
PersianPrincess2 Juju on tha Beat
Sydney, Australia
Opinion Editors
Kendrak Lemar
Jane Lane Daria Morgendorffer Sports Editors
Hawener icloud girl
A&E Editor Art Editor
Shakira Gretzky Social Media Editor
Gregory
Staff Writers
Drew Peacock, Purple, daddy, Jenna Tulls, Juul, Sandy But, Tampon Florida, Cookie Monster, Nalced Yen, Smo Show, liv2tuff, Audrat Stramouse, On Topp, coolandfunnygirl47, Emi-ly Dickinson, Nikachu88