call me simon and garfunkle the way it’s april
Cover art by Aili and Sara tbh
BREAKING NEWS: BARRAZA UPDATES AERIES
Bev Jelqsalot Managing Editor
This just in: AP Lit and English 10 teacher Pete Barraza submitted his grades on March 27, 2025. While there have been rumors circulating that he graded a student’s “East of Eden” essay in 2014, for the first time in his 29 years of teaching, these grades were on time.
“Grades happen as a process; they’re more than just a stamp,” Barraza said. “I ain’t no stamper.”
Self-proclaimed Steinbeck superfan, Barraza is known for assigning writing assignments that go unread and ungraded. While grading may be part of a teacher’s job description, administration made an exception for Barraza—after all, he is the head-coach of Samo’s mediocre, veering on above-average, Boys’ Volleyball team. His job description literally says: “do whatever you want, just please stop initiating your students into secret societies.”
AP Lit student Salo Singer (’25) was holding back tears when asked about the empty slot, usually filled by an English grade, in his Aeries gradebook. He was quite literally turning red and clenching his fists.
“He told us to not be mad at him when we all get C’s while he’s on his flight to Hawaii,” Singer said. “I stalked his Instagram and saw that he was literally just going to a Steinbeck-themed singles mixer. I swear to god, the amount of times he’s mentioned that he was featured on The Biography Channel for his thoughts on Steinbeck… and has the contact of one of Steinbeck’s daughter-inlaws…and is a reader for the AP Lit exam…and knows
the Dean of Stanford admissions… drives me crazy. He’s chill though.”
Some students say he uses a simple random sample, taught to him by AP Statistics teacher Ryan Hoffman, in order to grade (when he does). For example, if the first student he grades receives an 80 percent, so will the rest of them. His grading may also depend on what college
you are planning to attend (pro tip: apply Early Decision if you can help it; the earlier you get in, the longer you will reap the benefits of said special treatment). Ex-
tra points also go to those who know niche facts about Russian literature (specifically Dostoevsky’s “The Idiot”), number theory as a literary device, Greek mythology and John Coltraine, as well as those who can pull far-fetched literary connections out of their a$$ when analyzing “Beloved” or “Ceremony.”
His struggles with grading, however, do not detract from his eminence as a teacher. Beloved by his students, Barraza holds potlucks for the completion of almost every major novel in his AP Lit class—and believe me, there are a lot. Although next year, some have said he is attempting to change the curriculum to only consist of poetry, music history (specifically jazz) and Steinbeck. If approved, the course is set to be called, “PMS with Barraza.”
Eliana Radusky (’25), also in Barraza’s second period AP Lit class, hadn’t checked Aeries the night Barraza submitted his grades. She was met with quite the surprise the next morning.
“When I walked into class on March 28, I didn’t know why everyone was cheering so loudly, or why Ryne Kapen (’25) took off his shirt and started swinging it around his head like a lasso—that didn’t surprise me as much though,” Radusky said. “It all made sense when I checked Aeries and saw my English grade.”
Though this only begs the question of whether he will keep the grading up or fall into old habits. “Are you a bullsh*tter or bullfighter?” Barraza will ask his students from time to time. For this grading feat, however, Barraza is officially a “bullfighter.”
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Senior Assassin games are going too far, some say
Sensei E Staff Writer
Following weeks of intense battle that has sent shockwaves throughout the Santa Monica community, the Senior Assassin games have escalated to heights never seen before. With the return of the highly anticipated game, classrooms, streets and homes have descended into chaos, leading students to question the very existence of their peers’ morality. Determined killers and panicked targets alike have attempted desperate ploys to save themselves and advance into the game, with dangerous consequences for those who acted upon their rash decisions.
Luisa De Lorenzo (’25), who currently leads the games with a tally of eight confirmed kills, was arrested on charges of voluntary manslaughter last night. Following an hours-long chase and rooftop altercation, her terrified
and pressured target jumped off of a five-story building in a “spur-of-the-moment” decision, ultimately leading to his demise.
“I had him cornered on the roof but I didn’t actually think he would jump,” De Lorenzo said. “I feel terrible, but I guess that’s what the games are all about, right?”
With their emotions blinded in their rush for the $1000 prize, others have employed devoted yet questionable tactics to reach their targets. A common method has been to bribe disgruntled family members, often parents, to rat out their target’s location.
“The bribe has completely torn my family up,” Belinda Bubbles (’25) said. “We’re not on speaking terms anymore and I don’t know if we can ever recover from this. To learn that my mom was receiving checks from a guy in my math class in exchange for my ‘Find My’—that’s betrayal.”
Shamelessly intruding on highly sensitive situations, more daring seniors have wasted no time crashing their targets’ therapy sessions.
“I was sitting in therapy, trying to talk through my issues about my parents abandoning me, and suddenly— bam!—a squirt of water to the forehead,” said Wade Deep (’25), still stunned by the experience. “I was about to have a breakthrough moment when my therapist said ‘Let’s really get to the root of your fears,’ but I never thought I’d have to fear being ambushed mid-session.”
An assassin in disguise, the “therapist” was heard saying “How does THAT make you feel?” before gleefully skipping out of the room.
The assailant, who remains nameless to protect their anonymity, claims that they were simply “doing what had to be done.”
“I had to take my shot,” he said nonchalantly, sipping chocolate milk in the cafeteria. “It was a matter of timing. I saw the therapist’s office door crack open, and thought, ‘This is it, this is my moment to shine.’ So I just tied up the therapist and threw on a last-minute costume right before Wade walked in.”
One of the most startling cases was reported by new-
Editors-in-Chief Ai u For real Editor-in-Queef
Managing Editor Bev Jelqsalot
Business Manager Cleo Bottom
ly turned 18-year-old Misty Waters (’25) who received a jury duty summons but later discovered it was a trap. The student reportedly received the summons via mail, claiming that it looked incredibly legitimate.
“I thought I was going to be selected for jury duty, but instead I walked into the courtroom and found myself face-to-face with a water gun,” said Waters. “The judge was actually a disguised student wearing a wig? I don’t even know how they pulled that off.”
In a statement released late March, local authorities have advised residents to be on high alert and watch out for any suspicious “water-related activities” run by students.
“The games no longer have any place in our city,” the Santa Monica Mayor said in a statement. “Any student found to be engaging in the games will be escorted out of our city and permanently exiled.”
The future of Senior Assassin hangs in the balance as the school board meets next week to discuss potential changes.
thesamohinews@gmail.com
Opinion Editor
Student Life Editor X Æ A-13 Musk Jr.
A&E Editor björking jit
Centerspread Editor Kankacheeva
Art Editors Dee L. Do House Phuck Err
Social Media Manager
News Editors livlauphlove
Undecided Lime Sweet N Sour
Photo Editor louis’s lady
Staff Writers Aphrodite ShoesON, i-money taller, Sparkle Godfairy, Daddy Fiore, Sensei E, Fred Dumpkling, SouljiaBoyIsMe, SocEmUpTho, humuhumunukunukuapua’a, Yanny Ice-creamcone, Hopium, Kome-on Shak’er, See Ya Gaysian
Sports Editors Daddy Burns manny’s man
Faculty Advisor Elizardbeth Viperton
The Samohi is a monthly newspaper by, for and about Santa Monica High School students. Our goal is to empower the student body through information. We do not represent the views of the administration or staff. We do not endorse advertisements placed in our paper.
Bertha Bubbles / Contributor
A student is caught bribing his target’s mother for information while wearing his safety item of sunglasses during “Samochella” spirit week.
Misty Waters / Contributor
A senior practices his assissin moves in the hallways of the English building during passing period.
Bev Jelqsalot / The Samohi
Pete Barraza reads “East of Eden” while holding a volleyball, as is characteristic of most highly productive teachers with a knack for multitasking.
Cafeteria “mystery meat” identified as human
Kamera Staff Writer
In a shocking turn of events, students and staff at Samo are still trying to take in the revelation that their daily cafeteria lunch may have been a little more human than expected.
After months of rumors surrounding the mysteriously musty
meat served during the school’s notoriously average lunch period, an unexpected announcement today revealed that the substance in question was indeed the 10th graders that get their off campus passes, get too excited, walk off campus and mysteriously don’t appear back for 5th and 6th, the juniors that have a little too much fun in the alley and the seniors that had to have disappeared some way because when do they actually show up any other day. No 9th graders were found considering they’re either too small to see or Ed Hardy jeans were just too big to actually detect any living substance.
Super-senior Yesiwilbegoing Deone (’25), a self-proclaimed regular of the cafeteria’s “triple orange chicken plate”, had a lot to say on the subject.
“It’s really hard to believe, but it all makes sense now,” said Deone.“It always tasted a little too tender. I just thought maybe Terry was back there terrorizing the meats. You know, like how he terrorizes kids. Regular terry stuff.”
The shocking discovery came when the district’s food safety inspector, who was just trying to mind his own business, sent in a routine sample of Samo’s infamous mystery meat for testing. Whether or not this test was a response to the growing tide of hate Samo has been receiving from Malibu District (who still can’t handle how good Samo is) remains unclear. What was confirmed, however, was that the tests revealed traces of human DNA in the food.
“I’ve been in this business for over 20 years,” said the anonymous food inspector.“I thought I had seen it all. But human flesh in school lunch? That’s a first. And quite frankly, I’m concerned about the recipe they were following. That’s not even an approved meat source… Or so I thought.”
The cafeteria workers seemed oddly unfazed by the discovery and, in fact, were somewhat proud of it. Dr. Slush, a veteran lunch lady who has been dishing out what can only be described as experiences
for over 15 years described the process.
“Kids run from exploration, discovery, even innovation for this food, what’s the problem?” said Slush. “We get a lot of different cuts from local innovation bathrooms... I mean butchers. I never asked too many questions. The school said we had a different budget and I mean what’s tasty is tasty. Who doesn’t like a hint of kiwi passion fruit or cotton candy breeze.”
As the situation began to unfold, however, things took an even darker turn. District spokesperson Yuri Nator, who appeared to be on a caffeine high, admitted that this entire fiasco was, in fact, a result of budget cuts.
“Look, we had to make some sacrifices to fund the new million dollar gold gym,” said Nator. . “You know, the one with the plumbing that’s still broken and the floors that somehow smell like melted wax and regret. Not to mention the new fire alarms to replace the lovely individuals who set it off during their “bathroom” breaks. Were the reason we decided… Why not just cut a few corners and kids?”
The district went on to clarify that the missing students were part of an “innovative” program where those who didn’t “bow down” to the mighty Viking mascot were offered an alternative meal plan. It was unclear how this process was carried out or which part of the student body was most at risk.
Despite this unexpected development, the school administration refused to answer calls but reportedly texted “JUST ASK DR.SLUSH” from an unknown number and assured the students that they had no need to worry.” They Followed up by sending out a tweet reading. “We got this! More than just Viking blood in the cafeteria, lots of love here. #ToughTimes #innovatonrizzler#NOTC ARINGABOUTYOURFEELINGS.”
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Humanities teachers accused of bullying
See ya Staff Writer
Recently, students have begun speaking out against a cohort of humanities teachers who regularly eat lunch together, including: claiming them to be bullies.
Although students claim it mostly began with teasing and poor test scores, recent evidence suggests that the lunch group has been tactically picking on select students to boost their popularity within the “cool” student and faculty community.
When the opportunity arose to participate in a quiz bowl centered around grammar, the humanities group was quick to accept. Upon selection, the cabal of teachers visited each of their classes to select students for an “Elite Humanities Student Association.” The purpose of this association was to go to the quiz bowl competition with them, and cheer them on from the audience. When selecting students, they were extremely particular. English 10 student Lily Stevens (’27) was one of the students not selected for the event.
“I wasn’t chosen to be in the audience because I had been caught using Spark Notes. I was using them on the book we’ve been reading in class, MacBeth, in order to find quotes,” Stevens said. “It’s not fair though, as I’ve witnessed so many other students who were selected using Spark Notes and Chat GPT, even if they claimed they did not.”
Johnny Rusler (’27), was one of the students Stevens had wit-
nessed using Chat GPT when completing work in class and was still chosen to sit in on the quiz bowl.
“I am extremely honored to have been chosen for this role and unlike some people, I have never, and will never, use Chat GPT or SparkNotes, to complete assignments,” Rusler said. “My honesty and intellect is what allowed me to get chosen for this event and for no other reason.”
At the start of the 2023-2024 school year, an anonymous Instagram account was created, “Innovation_Instagators,” directed towards bullying students. Such posts included “Samo not so fashion week,” where the post was dedicated to making fun of students’ outfits. Other posts showcased embarrassing pictures
of students and hair-cut fails. Initially, this account was thought to be student run; but, upon further investigation, it has been found to be a group account run by Ms. Stapleton and Ms. Orgill, both teachers in the Innovation building.
The Santa Monica Promenade is a very popular place for Samo students to go after school or on weekends. Brandy Melville is a popular spot for teenage girls to shop for tank tops, sweat pants and more. Brandy employees carry a known stereotype, that they are rude and judgy. With his Brandy-star necklace and “Chill Since” shirt, Samo staff and Brandy Melville worker Mr. Denis encompasses your typical “Brandy girl.” When student Rian Barenfeld (’26) was shopping with her friends at the store, they encountered Mr. Denis working his shift.
“When we walked into the store, Mr. Denis was folding clothes in the front,” said Barenfeld. “Instead of welcoming us into the store, he looked us up and down while smacking his gum, then went to whisper something to his co-worker; it was totally weird.”
In addition to this, they have been known to follow around shoppers, giggling at them and judging the clothes they were picking out.
Although the bullying continues to be an ongoing issue, no repercussions have been received by any of the aforementioned teachers. Seemingly, they are just too cool.
thesamohinews@gmail.com
News editors exposed for fabricating news
Daddy Fiore Staff Writer
For months beach pollution has increased drastically at local beaches. Black lines along the beach with gray colored water and an influx of plastic lined along the beach. While environmental experts initially pointed to the recent Los Angeles wildfires as a cause, new revelations suggest a far more unexpected source, Samo’s very own news editors.
Over the past month, beachgoers have reported an unusual amount of trash accumulating along the sand, with some even noting that much of the waste seems oddly specific to our school community. “I was walking near the water when I saw a pile of papers,” said Yanai Halperin-Ortiz (’25) who frequently visits the beach. “When I picked one up, I realized it was an old draft of last month’s newspaper edition.”
While environmental experts initially blamed the increase in pollution on the fires, there may seem to be a deeper reason. Just weeks before the pollution spike, the school newspaper published a front-page feature highlighting the dangers of ocean contamination.
“I went to the beach the other day and saw this kid, doing something weird, then I realized it was Liam Sauer,” Halperin-Ortiz said. “ I mean whenever I see Liam he’s always doing something weird so I kind of just kept walking but then I realized he was dumping trash on the beach and I was like what the f***.”
When confronted with these claims, news editor Liam Sauer (’26) didn’t deny being at the scene nor his actions. It appeared as though he took pride in his actions, showing little concern for the
impact on the beach.
Sauer’s actions had consequences, ultimately leading to his removal from the paper for a variety of reasons, such as fabricating news as well as reports from staff writers of his aggressive leadership style.
“Listen, being kicked off the paper was not in my 2025 bingo card… I mean I only yelled at my staff writers about four times a week and I only made three of them cry. So honestly the paper really deserves to be thrown away because without me on it, it’s nothing. ” Sauer said. “If they won’t let me run the news, I’ll make the news.”
Sauer’s admission raises serious questions about his journalistic
integrity. However, Sauer claims that not only he was making up news to give the people what they want but so was his co-editor, Dalia Puchalt (’25).
“If I’m going down, I’m taking her down with me,” Sauer said. Sauer argued that Puchalt was even worse, creating emergency situations in order to cover dramatic school situations. On Nov. 19, 2024 she marched on down to the cafeteria and made her way into the kitchen; where she found an assortment of pots and pans. At this point Puchalt started grabbing pots and pans, she dropped them, banged them together creating clatter that echoed the halls of Samo. She banged them together in an impromptu percussion performance. Unsure of the origin of the noise, the Santa Monica Police Department was called onto the campus, as confusion spread through the school.
“My plan flourished like a lily. I am really proud of what I accomplished for the paper this year, especially this event, it was a hot topic this cycle! The paper is looking better than it ever has in past years,” said Puchalt.
However, controversy arose following the publication of this piece, leading to significant editorial decisions.
By official decree, Liam Sauer and Dalia Puchalt have deemed this article under control of The Samohi Editorial Board. Daddy Fiore has been removed from the paper for this article which has been reliably concluded as defamatory towards Sauer and Puchalt. All journalism is required to maintain a standard procedure of integrity, which this article does not maintain. With this being said, the news editors still take pride in their actions and will continue to create news for the good of the people.
thesamohinews@gmail.com
Kamera / The Samohi
Ry Bardacke (’25) stunned after discovering human meat in his trusty everyday lunch burger.
7am / The Samohi
On Nov. 19, news editor Dalia Puchlalt (’25) was seen crazily banging cafeteria supplies together all around the Samo campus.
7am / The Samohi
The account has haunted students since its inception, even tagreting The Samohi’s very own Liam Sauer (’26)
OPINION
Why I’m still on the fence :/
Undecided
Before I get started, I just want to make sure that everyone knows that the decision I am making today is not one to be taken lightly. Trust that this is no walk in the park, no piece of cake. April 1, 2025 marks the day that the fate of six human lives rests upon my shoulders, hulking and leaden.
Put yourself in my shoes for a second here. You’re standing before a forked trolley track in an isolated desert, dry-lipped and thirsty. Suddenly, you hear…a cough? You spin on your heel towards the sound. It’s kind of hard, because it’s sandy.
To your right lay five people firmly tied to the tracks, coughing up a
of fair ethics, I’m going to pretend that I’m not noticing how gosh darn cute he is!). Fortunately for that tall, cool drink of water, the trolley in the distance is headed straight towards his friends on your right.
Beside you sits a lever, nice grip, about yay tall. With the flip of a switch, the trolley will veer left—or is it their right?—and grind Mr. Baby Blue Eyes over there into a pulp. What a waste of those sparkling sapphire orbs. Your fingers twitch. Do you dare? If you’re a little sensitive, which is nothing to be ashamed of, a few tears spring to your eyes. You just—SNIFF—you didn’t know it was going to be this…hard.
In a world with so few tangible pleasures, I know that I’d be lost without Benedict Hamsterbatch and Wheel Smith. I sure wish they were here to help me chews… Okay, is it just me, or is that lever kind of staring me down right now? Jeez, a decision like this takes time! I mean, who am I to play God anyways? Who am I to act as the Grand Puppeteer, tugging my red threads of fate however I see fit? How can I live with myself?
nient hypothetical desert situation we have going on. To your left is just one poor soul secured to the other side of the fork (and just for the sake
Phew. Okay. Okay, just give me a second. Woooooo. Pressure’s kinda getting to me here! Got a real kick to it! Ha! Shesellsseashellsbytheseashore. Bleeaaaaghhhh. Come on. You’re a champion.
You know what? I’ll just keep it simple. It’s either five lives lost, or one. I’m pulling it. After all, that means four fewer grieving families with teary-eyed, orphaned children. If I can protect just one itty-bitty hamster from losing their Mommy, it will have been worth it.
Wait—I guess we don’t actually know who has a hamster though, do we? I mean, what if that beautiful specimen on the left has five cherished fur babies of his own?
And I already know that someone’s going to bring up the whole thing with the doctor, too. You know, where you have to kill one healthy person to scavenge their corpse for intestines, thereby saving five dying people in need of transplants and blah, blah, blah. Honestly, bringing that up right now is really just not fair and pretty inconsiderate. It kind of just reminds me of when I was in med school and I would really prefer not to talk about that right now. 99.8 percent of people faint when they perform their first rectal exam, you know. No, this is ridiculous. I’m pulling that lever. Five lives for one. Five lives…for one. Five…lives…is cold utilitarianism always the answer? For all I know, that’s freaking Gandhi over there. And I’ve got to say, that guy with the man bun is seriously weirding me out. Like, what’s with the attitude? Do you NOT want to be a part of the arguably most famous ethical dilemma of all time?
Actually, funny story about that: once, I was at my mom’s house, or…wait. No, my dad’s. No, no, it was my mom’s, because we had that gross soup for dinner. But Dad loved that soup too, so maybe—
CRRRRAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Well, there’s that solved.
HOT OFF THE LUNCH BENCH: Favorite school lunch?
my god,
“Mmmmm I lick those parfait bowls clean.”
“Please leave me alone. I already did a lap around the hall so you would stop following me. I really, really don’t want to answer your questions. Nobody even reads this sh*t.”
-Noah Fraser-Macduff (‘25)
Trader Joe’s or Trader Hoes????
As I wandered the deliciously stocked aisles of Trader Joe’s, an employee (for the sake of clarity, very cute btw) asked if I needed help finding anything. As they guided me to the off-brand Takis, I couldn’t help but notice their hand brush mine. They went on to make a few comments about the amazing items in my cart and I began to notice how flirty all the workers were. I couldn’t help but wonder if this was a coincidence, or a requirement… To test my theory, I decided to try and become hired at my nearest Trader Joe’s. When I went undercover to reveal their hiring policies, what I found was shocking. Immediately when I sat down, they asked what some of my favorite pickup lines are. They then proceeded to do a hair flip/twirl/swoosh test (which of course I passed, due to my luscious curly locks).When I walked out of the manager’s office - fresh from my interview - I observed the playful repartee between employees. I assumed they were practicing for customers. What was even more shocking was that all the employees were students at Samo! Underneath every Trader Joe’s t-shirt and dashing name tag were famous flirts such as Cole Huang (’28).
“I can wink with both eyes, which defi nitely helped me in my application,” Huang said.
Eva Cederbaum (’27), got rejected from being hired as a Trader Joe’s employee due to a lack of charm. She explained how whenever she goes to Trader Joes, she has to come mental ly prepared to unwillingly endure some flirting with the employees there.
“Every time I go to Trader Joe’s, they look at the items I bought and just start praising me. At first I thought they were being friendly, but I don’t know… Calling me the gorgeous and intelligent they’ve ever seen just their favorite chips of excessive,”
“They’re also contact.
employees always stare sure how to
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yanny ice-cream-cone Staff Writer
Art by Major Dingus Major
Kankacheeva / The Samohi
Kankacheeva / The Samohi
Kankacheeva / The Samohi
Kankacheeva / The Samohi
Kankacheeva Opinion Editor
“Oh
you’re the person from Tiktok? I’m listening to Bejesus High Dragon and The Soul Search for Spiritual Nourishment. Man I love those guys.”
-Annabel Thorpe (’26)
“Uh oh. Where’s the nurses office?” -Asked to remain anonymous
-Kenji Ineno (‘25)
Samo’s Academic Vocabulary list: 2025 ed.
Bev Jelqsalot Managing Editor
We’re back again with your favorite annual vocabulary list, carefully curated by the SMMUSD administration. After we pulled these from various sources such as “expert” linguists and debated which terms were better (we had a long list of favorites), we came to terms with admin on the best terminology that is so clear, that even your elders can learn them.
689. BOOM-Glaze
BOOM noun . Phrase of exclamation; often used as a form of judgment depending on the number of booms.
“This Double-Chunk-Chocolate Cookie gets 5 big booms! BOOM...BOOM...BOOM...BOOM...BOOM!!!”
Chopped adj . Unattractive
“Don’t worry about her, she’s chopped.”
Crash-out verb . To go insane and/or do something stupid, maybe even despite knowing the outcome will not be good.
“Bro I’m boutta crash out.”
Degen noun . Short for degenerate; someone whose behavior is considered morally reprehensible or deviates from acceptable standards
“I only did molly once, I’m not a degen.”
Edge verb . To get really close to greatness…but come just short of reaching it; self-sabotage
“Stop edging in class.”
Glaze verb . Over-hyping or praising someone without means
“That teacher was really glazing some of their students today.”
Goon verb . Self-induced satisfaction
Goon-Unc 690.
“I heard people just goon in the gender-neutral bathroom.”
Huzz noun . hoes (usually prefaced with “the”)
“Lez go out tonight! It vill be so fun. We vill go to za club with za huzz.”
variations of “huzz” include: chuzz (chopped huzz), juzz (junior huzz), suzz (sophomore huzz), fuzz (freshman huzz), guzz (gay huzz), luzz (lesbian huzz), unempluzz (unemployed huzz), shuzz (short huzz).
Jelque verb . male organ calisthenics
“I hang out with the boys these days and everybody’s always jelqing. Like dude can we just talk about the political and economic state of the world right now?”
Locked in adj . To be extremely focused
“I thought she was gonna go rabid, but she really locked in.”
Ts pmo icl acronym . “This sh*t pisses me off, I can’t lie”
“Bro I can’t even ts pmo icl.”
Unc. noun . A shortened form of “uncle”; refers to someone who exhibits behaviors that are considered outdated or out of touch
“That’s so old, only unc would know that.”
Now, Samo staff caught wind of these new vocabulary words and wanted to put themselves to the test. So, we took it upon ourselves to ask a few teachers to use some of the lingo in a sentence—without actually knowing what they meant.
Pete Barraza
Glaze - “I have some students that think that everybody’s always glazing over them. You ain’t, you ain’t no donut.”
Edge - “Just finish the game already and stop edging the team.”
Margaret Colburn
Unc - “You’ve got unc on your face.”
Degen - “Your generation are such a bunch of degens because you’re so effing lazy.”
Ryan Hoffman
Ts pmo icl - “Meet you at the course, let’s hit some balls first. ts pmo icl. ”
Chopped - “I’M SO CHOPPED !!!”
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Student athlete humiliated by the toilet sensors in Discovery Building
All articles by Editor-In-Queef Editor-in-Chief
On Wednesday, March 26, a student on the track team took to the Discovery bathrooms to change into her uniform before practice. As she changed, the motion sensors in her stall went off, effectively flushing the toilet. She thought nothing of it. After exiting the stall, she decided there was no need to wash her hands. I mean, come on. She didn’t piss, guys. As she left, she locked eyes with two mutual friends. As she left the bathroom, realization set in. Those two girls had heard the toilet flush, and seen her leave without washing her hands. Now everybody was gonna think she was a disgusting freak who didn’t wash her hands after using the bathroom. And she was right. Now everyone is gonna know her as the Piss Hands girl. Nobody is ever gonna shake her hand again. Gross.
All photos by Editor-In-Queef / The Samohi
Local
student not invited into the conversation as close friend conversates with girl you don’t know
On Friday, March 28, tragedy struck one anonymous student. Her mother was late to pick her up, and none of her friends were in sight. To her left, an ex-talking stage laughed with an eerily similar-looking woman. To her right, a group of girls that she had never met, but still assumed was judging her for standing alone. At last! She found a friend. The two chatted, and she felt less alone. Later, though, her friend began talking to some girl she didn’t know. The student has seen her in the halls, and definitely knew her first name, last name and instagram handle, but alas was not invited to the conversation. She tried to contribute, but no dice. Just truly ignored. So, the humiliated student stood alone, slightly turned away from the two as everyone watched her awkwardly check the calculator app. Literally everyone cares so much they’re all watching her and wow she is so lonely and strange wow.
Local jock humiliated by flamboyant Starbucks order
On Tuesday, March 25, a local jock took his seat in his APES class at 8:36 AM. His tardiness was unsurprising. The student habitually picked up a black coffee from Starbucks every morning. Sure, he always got some looks from his peers when he arrived late with a drink (didn’t he just say he was supporting the Starbucks boycott?) and an unsurprising spiel from his single-use product-hating teacher, but it never fazed him. Today was different though. After hearing the word of their new, opaque packaging, the student thought he could get away with buying a fun drink. A venti caramel ribbon crunch frappuccino with extra whipped cream, extra caramel and extra caramel crunch, to be exact. When he picked it up, though, it wasn’t incognito. The drink, caramel crumbles and all was clear to see in a plastic cup. Panic struck the boy. He wasn’t going to waste the money, and he had to get to class. So, he went to school with that drink in hand, causing a class of 30 students to look over to see who had interrupted the lecture. Everybody saw the drink. Everybody thinks less of him now.
thesamohinews@gmail.com
SCANDAL IN THE PSYCH OFFICE!! Therapy dog cheats on therapy dog wife with therapy dog side hoe?
NEWSWORTHY ROMANCE!!
Thousands were in attendance for the long-anticipated wedding of co-Editors-in-Chief of The Samohi, Sara Javerbaum (’25)and Aili Forster (’25). The ceremony was somber and beautiful, truly capturing the highly professional nature of the newspaper that the EICs represent.
BABY FEVER!!
Prominent Samohi businesswoman Cleo Topp (’25) announces FIFTH PREGNANCY… but WHO is the father? See Topp’s maternity photoshoot with the two potential BABY
OUR SECRET TO STAYING YOUTHFUL & RELEVANT
on page 69!!
KARMA’S A...VIKING??
Jojo Siwa recently led a FEATURED FLEXTIME in which she educated students on the genre of music she SINGLEHANDEDLY invented, Gay Pop. “It’s so important to connect our students with wholly positive role models in the LGBTQ+ community,” admin says.
LEFT AT THE ALTAR??
DIVORCE
AT SAMOHI!!HHousetakesback her name!! Read about S House’s reaction and the ensuing fight on page ∞
Future English major and super-senior Eikan Treed (’25) declined to comment, but our reporters picked up some nearly unintelligible mumbles from behind the massive iPad blocking his face. “Shut up,” Treed said. “F**k words. F***ing library freaks interrupting my CocoMelon time.” Stage by stage, we will assist the school in its transition away from dependence upon paper and ink. Firstly, The Samohi Newspaper will begin printing in tabloid form, as you see before you. Easy-to-read headlines, minimal written information on simple, engaging topics and an overstimulating onslaught of photos will be featured in our new designs. Next, we will negate words entirely and focus our print issues around photos and art that do not require such obsolete “skills” as critical thinking or analysis. We will then move to online-only mediums, such as Instagram reels or TikToks. Topics covered will, of course, be designed to trigger an immedi ate dopamine response and hold viewers’ attention spans for a maximum of ten seconds. We consulted one of The Samohi’s editors, Emmie Yashimiro-Herbert (’45), for a further perspective. “Too long have students suffered a repugnant overexertion of their mental capacities,” Yomishira-Hegret said. “The new LIT! program will restore what should have been the district’s core values all along… efficiency, closed-mindedness and an utter reliance on word-of-mouth gossip.”
Many people have been asking us — “Samohi, where’d the news go?? Where’s my DEEPLY valued treasure trove of truly profound pep rally coverages and riveting sports updates??? What is this newfangled format, these scandalous headlines, this colorful… drivel????” We know you are shocked and appalled, dear readers. But we are simply evolving with the times. Let’s face it. Nobody “reads” anymore. That’s why we are proud to announce, in partnership with the Samo English department, a bold new initiative: LIT! (Loving Illiteracy Together!). This new policy, admin says, will be implemented immediately districtwide in an effort to combat what some factions of America are now calling “critical literacy theory,” or “book wokeness.”
–Gaysian, Centerspread Editor
loving you was easy, but you couldn’t do the same when I see you with your new girl I got insane
–humuhumunukunuku -apua’a, Staff Writer
horse yay, horse nay, horse maybay horse poo, horse moo, horse snoo snoo horse horseshoe yabadaba doo doo –Sapphic Ricebowl, Contrib -uting Writer
This is a haiku About how I hate haikus Bruh they suck so bad
Wife, Arata Sakamoto, leaves hubby of ten years, Yaretzi Preza, over barbershop FALLOUT! “Weirdass haircut,” Sakamoto alleges. Read more on page 420!!
DOWNEY HIGH VIKING in saucy new pics! –18-year-old senior JAILED in Discovery Building basement by PEERS for HITTING ON A FRESHMAN GIRL!!!
–Gaysian, Centerspread Editor Beautiful poetry produced by our new LIT! program:
Through the weeping tears I cried myself to sleep I heard him lingering along we crode separately but together we will rise again to the flames
–SouljiaBoyIsMe, Staff Writer
STATISTIC: 90% of Fem Lit students found as TRADWIVES, five years post-grad! –BETRAYING HER DARLING MILO??? Ms. Colburn seen perusing PetCo for new fuzzy feline friend. –SAMOHI VIKING caught with
Only the best questions to ask on a first date
Fred Dumpkling Staff Writer
High school relationships have a reputation for being tumultuous and short-lived, with many issues stemming from a lack of communication. No matter how confident you are, everyone has or will eventually reach a point where you’re talking to someone you like and simply say the wrong thing. The awkwardness is understandable; at this age, hormones and anxiety are at an extreme high, making social skills a tool worth sharpening. So the next time you find yourself on a first date and can’t quite muster that explosive icebreaker, try one of these eight must-ask questions that will have your partner considering an extremely premature marriage.
#1 - “How do you season your chicken?”
No matter who is sitting beside you, this is a universal show-stopper. There are at least six things that you can season a chicken with, which gives you a nearly unlimited range of talking points and allows for full creative freedom. Whether they stick to the classic salt and pepper or have their own signature marinade, this question is the perfect window into someone’s meat preferences. Bonus points if you whip this one out at dinner, as it offers a smooth transition into your orders!
#2 - “Will you marry me?”
Out of all the questions on the list, this one will give you the most bang for your buck. With just four simple words, you will eliminate any preconceived worries of a one-night stand and establish your genuine loyalty. This question will show your commitment to a prosperous future with your loved one, a near-flawless gesture no matter who you try it with. Everybody loves a good risk-taker!
#3 - “Would you rather brush your teeth with whipped soy sauce or acrylic paint?”
The classic Would You Rather format has been a favorite amongst couples for decades now, and this little-known variant simply hits all the spots. This question immediately shows that you have a dedication to hygiene, as well as an interest in both the culinary and artistic worlds. Now do be warned: this is a very pointed question. I have witnessed many relationships go up in flames because of this debate, but if your love interest has a strong adoration for mouth-bound substances then you’ve found yourself a winner!
#4 (NEW YEAR’S SPECIAL) - “Wanna watch the balls drop together?”
Most of the questions on this list are meant to be used after the bag is secured, but how do you even set up that date in the first place? When you meet someone special, oftentimes you want to take them out on an equally special occasion to leave a good first impression. New Year’s Eve is the pinnacle of these moments, transitioning into the new year. This simple line beats around little to no bushes and will get you and your soon-to-be partner together in no time!
#5 - “Which Sesame Street character do you think would taste the best?”
A personal favorite of mine, this question is sure to get mouths watering and provide your partner with a sense of your unpredictability. Big Bird is an absolute physical specimen and would have an undeniably tender midsection for filets and ceviche, whereas Cookie Monster has a surprisingly flaky exterior that’s perfect for crusts and crumbles. No matter which way you slice it, this is the perfect way to start off an evening debate.
#6 - “Can I guess your favorite race?”
While being quite a competitive question, it’s sure to bring a smile to your face. While the Grand Prix stands out as the obvious answer, there are a plethora of options—from the Kentucky Derby to the Great Wall Marathon—that have the horsepower to spark a conversation. Additionally, their answer could help you determine their preferred form of transportation!
#7 - “Would you commit a war crime for 10 more years of prime LeBron?”
If you only choose to ask one question from this list, make this the one… but be careful; never open a date by asking about King James. You want to make this the final topic you cover that night, with your partners answer being your entire reasoning for pursuing them farther or leaving them on the side of the road. If your partner is willing to protect the legacy of the greatest basketball of all time, then you should have no doubts that they will do the same for you. If LeBron isn’t a priority for them, then file a restraining order!
thesamohinews@gmail.com
D’s big pharma causes big drama
Humuhumunukunukuapua’a Staff Writer
On Mar. 18, the school security guards were busted for an underground drug ring in the Innovation first and second-floor bathrooms- forced upon them by admin. The kingpin of the ring was D, who named the ring after himself- “D’s Big Pharma.”
It was found out that the drug ring, curated by the admin, was for the security guards to get paid- now that schools are getting less funding. By selling the items, they could catch the students in the actwhich led to a heavy increase in the students getting busted for illegal substances. D, the security officer who led the selling of substances, discusses what he did to help the selling.
“I wore a wig,” D said. “I stuck to innovation, first floor, second floor. Discovery. Iquad. Language. Pretty much everywhere.”
The suspicion began a few months before when students began to notice a sudden influx of designer items. Some designer items were Balenciaga tape and trash bags, Prada paper clips and MSCHF astro boy boots. D himself began to be known for wearing distressed fashion items, such as distressed and pre-muddy jeans. Samo staff
began noting a sudden big increase in students getting busted for illegal substancesleading to a sudden decrease in students in classrooms.
After pressure from parents, especially from the Parent Teacher Association (PTA), the Samo Administration was
forced to close down their system after one of the students brought a suspicious flyer hung up near the Innovation their house. Students within the ring were closed out, with one of the main hubs- innovation second-floor boy’s bathroom. Some repeated offenders, such as Marco Hijar Hernandez (’82), were caught for substance abuse on campus.
“I was unjustly caught,” Hernandez said. “I was just having a really long bathroom time. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I left my things. It’s nothing.”
Hernandez discusses the amount of students caught.
“I can only count to four,” Hernandez said. “Not very smart. There were probably more than four. One. Two. Forty three. Eighty One. Twelve. Four.”
The security guards were given a strongly worded email and a few days of in-school detention. Students, such as Hernandez, expressed great frustration over the unfair treatment of the security guards.
“They were doing a service to the people,” Hernandez said. “God damn it. Restricting our freedoms. What’s next? What’s next? They meant nothing wrong, even if I didn’t… participate.”
thesamohinews@gmail.com
Rolling the dice and paying the price at Samo
SocEmUpTho Staff Writer
All were uncovered when rumors of students on campus at suspicious hours, engaging in illegal activities tied to a secret underground gambling club started circulating. Many of these students which you may recognize personally, have developed severe gambling addictions. Often seen sneaking out during lunch breaks, ditching classes or staying after school to gamble their savings away. Blissfully unaware of the growing consequences their actions may bring.
After three years of secretive operations, the underground gambling ring at Samo has been exposed leaving teachers, administrators and students alike stunned that such activities were taking place right under their noses. Initially starting off as innocent card games during lunch breaks, these harmless games quickly evolved into high-stakes poker and blackjack.
The mastermind behind these mischievous schemes is a student known as the “Dice Lord”, who has requested anonymity, but said
that after transferring from Las Vegas, school wasn’t as fun as it used to be.
“My freshman year, I came in and I knew I had a mission,” Dice Lord said. “There’s all kinds of things at the school but no one tapped the unexplored thing that is gambling.”
Every day, a group of students including Leo Maida (’25) boldly gather to play poker in the innovation quad. Although the students have insisted that they do not use real money, claiming that they only get the bragging rights to win, the teachers remain skeptical about their true intentions, questioning whether the games are truly just for fun or if the students are beginning to develop bad habits.
Things took an international turn during the school’s recent Japan trip. What the school intended to be an educational excursion turned into an unexpected turn into the world of pachinko machines. Collaborating with their sister school in Fujinomiya the Dice Lord and her crew eagerly exchanged their yen for a shot at the jackpot; Mesmerized by the flashing lights and bright colors they were consumed by the pursuit of taking home a big win.
Overtaken by their addictions, the students failed to return to their hotels on
SouljiaBoyisMe Staff Writer
Bottom Business Manager
“Bro get your hands off her she’s wearing yellow” - Two guys wearing white at pep rally
“Wait who said Barraza graded anything?”
“Bro the newspaper says it right here...”
- Students actually reading the paper pg. 2
“I think we need to move lunch earlier, my 4th period keeps telling me to just put the fries in the bag…” - Heard inside O House Office
time, raising the already suspicious supervisors’ suspicions. Their absence led the teachers to investigate, and it didn’t take long for the truth to come to light. The students were found sneaking around the pachinko parlors chasing their gambling high when they were supposed to be out shopping. The supervisor immediately contacted Samo’s administrators back home, setting off a chain reaction leading to the group’s exposure. Well, everyone in the group but the Dice lord, who is rumored to have stolen all of the group’s winnings. Although Maida claims he is innocent, when asked for further details regarding the club, he quickly replied that he pleads the fifth and said “double it and give it to the next person.”
Around Samohi, outrageous news has been circulating for as long as anyone can remember. As reporters of the school newspaper, our job as staff writers is to inform the students of any related juicy gossip or announcements heard throughout campus. How do we find out? Well, that’s up to speculation but just know we only report what we hear in conversation. The only thing you’ll ever get from us is what we overheard from students…
“This fitness influencer just tried to follow me. Do you know who this is?”
- The conversation in the cafeteria line
“At 12:20… The gender-neutral bathrooms 2nd floor exploration…yeah you can bring him too” - Goon on the phone
So, to all the high school gamblers out there here is a word of advice. If you were thinking about making money by playing cards at school, think again. You’re not getting rich anytime soon. Unless, of course, you’re the “Dice Lord.” thesamohinews@gmail.com thesamohinews@gmail.com
One of the removed flyers hanging around Discovery building.
Art by Major Dingus Major
Cleo
Art by Major Dingus Major
Art by Major Dingus Major
Farts and Entertainment
Cedric Responsibilty & i-money taller Staff Fighters
Bring your baby daddies and friends who are baddies! It’s time: the final showdown on April 1, live at Samo’s own Innovation Quad, featuring nepo baby gone wrong, Alabama Barker, against none other than THE Bhad Bhabie!!! Let’s hope that Bhabie is bringing her Gucci flipflops for this face-off of the century. The beef with the Cali Clout Chasers began when Alabama allegedly tried to steal Le Vaughn (Bhabie’s baby daddy) while they were split up. Not to mention, Bhabie was battling cancer at the time—reeallllyy Alaska? Shady move.
As the squabble is rapidly approaching, be sure to cop some nose plugs as a pungent stench is expected to fill the room when none other than North Carolina Barker steps out onto the stage, of course rocking her signature silk PJ set. At the weigh-in, Bhabie will be spotted galloping in on her white horse, making the crowd roar with her signature quote. “Catch me outside how ’bout that,” she said while throwing punches. Tennessee shouted out while the two young ladies were getting cuffed by security, “I’m too up to fight, never had to act hard.” Both were separated by security shortly after. Hosting an influencer brawl at Samo could confuse some people, but since Alabama attends night school at Samo to acquire her GED, this would be most convenient for her. Are you ready for the long-awaited Bhad Bhabie vs. Alabama Barker feud to finally come to a close? Comparing both of their epic flows TONIGHT at Samo!
PHOTO GHOSTS !!
Sparkle godfairy Staff Writer
On a dark and stormy day, Advanced Photography students Stella Vegezzi (’25), Oona Schulweis (’3045) and Rhian Bruce (’25) began to work on an extra credit project for photo teacher Martin Ledford. ey desperately needed to bounce back a er failing to upload all their ics in JPEG format (but like why does Ledford love JPEG so much??).
e three reported that as they shot, a chill breeze swept over their shoulders, prickling their skin. e lights in Exploration began to icker and they heard something crash to the oor. Bruce, only a “little” spooked, had assumed it was just a gust of wind, per usual for Samos crazy unpredictable weather forecast, and shut the doors so they could continue their project.
A er shooting around campus they began to process their photos in the dark room. ey si ed their prints through the chemical baths and as Schulweis li ed up one of the papers, the photo of her began to appear. She admired the perfectly exposed print until a glowy white gure appeared behind her.
“I wasn’t even scared, like, I’m always pretty chill so I was just like ‘oh hm a ghost’” Schulweis lied.
“You literally screamed and threw the print back into the bath and we had to redo it…” remarked Vegezzi as she sat in on my interview with Schulweis.
“ at’s like o the record right?” Oona, I’m a serious journalistic reporter, my fans need me to be real.
All three huddled around the prints and
Music legends in the making
Staff Writer
“Bejesus High Dragon and The Soul Search for Spiritual Nourishment,” the musical duo consisting of French teacher David Gottlieb and English teacher Randall Denis, have signed a 4-year $200,000 record deal with Geffen Records. The deal breaks the record for largest record deal for two Samo teachers by $200,000. Originally “Gardena Swap Meet Jam Band,” the pair has been recording together since winter 2018. The two have developed their sound from a flamboyant take on classic Zydeco to something best characterized as saucy spoken word over dreamy and supple acoustic guitar. The two have cited their musical influences as Quincy Jones and Maaly Raw. Lucas Yarmand (’25) speaks on the way Bejesus’ music has impacted him. “I’m not the same person I was before hearing their music,” Yarmand said. “It’s insatiable. That’s all I can say. Truly insatiable.”
Bejesus got their start performing in cat cafes across the greater West Covina area. It was a particularly notable performance at “Crumbs and Whiskers” which introduced the
looked through the photos of Schulweis. Peering over her shoulder was a white, wispy
ghost! is unprecedented discovery marks the rst photo footage of ghosts to ever be captured. Inspired, Vegezzi, Schulweis and Bruce quickly created an instagram to ocially document their nds.
“I dunno, we needed a senior capstone project anyway. Follow @_ghostbustgirlss!” said Bruce.
e creation of Exploration, built where the History building once stood, seems to have disturbed restless spirits that are still lingering beneath its foundation. Appearing through the camera lens, the ghost’s motives are unknown, but they continue to haunt Samo leaving students and sta feeling strangely uneasy in Exploration.
e girls had ledford take a look at their prints for approval. Putting on his glasses he squinted his eyes, and without a word, fainted with a so thud.
thesamohinews@gmail.com thesamohinews@gmail.com
duo to famed producer Pismo Beast: The Remedy. Bejesus spent the summer of 2020 recording with the Grammy winner and went on to release their debut EP entitled “Les Étalons Sauvages,” that following spring. Although the release was met with general critical acclaim, it faced widespread criticism due to the incorporation of Gottlieb’s heart wrenching wails in the majority of the tracks. The intro,“Grambling State,” features continued and layered wails, draining out the track’s instrumentation. Billboard Magazine has labeledthe track “unlistenable.” The duo followed up their sentimental debut with the grungy, fun, dance hit, “Monica Lewinksy.”
“It’s for the girls who like to party and maybe say some dumb things sometimes and are a little messy I guess,” Yaramand said.
The duo’s debut studio album, “Never Forget the Alamo” comes out on April 4th.
Leonard de’Luch
Sparkle Godfairy and Meta AI bot/Anonymous Contributors
3 Samo baseball players signed to the LA Dodgers
Freg Dumpkling Staff Writer
The Los Angeles Dodgers entered the 2025 season with a trio of local deals, signing Blue Hunter (’25), Brady Satinover (’25) and Gavin Kirtley (’25) from the Santa Monica Vikings. Coming off a triumphant World Series victory over the New York Yankees, The Blues began their offseason with the signings of former Cy-young winner Blake Snell and Japanese rising star Roki Sasaki. The sporting world feels that the Dodgers have completely taken over the baseball market, yet head coach Dave Roberts was still hungry for more. Ahead of their season opener in Japan, Roberts spoke out on what his delectable lineup was still lacking.
“Obviously I feel great after such an incredible postseason run,” Roberts said. “The guys are really fired up and the energy feels elevated in the locker room. But of course, I have gaps to fill. If we really wanna go on a multiple year run, we’re gonna have to bring in some more veteran leadership and powerful voices to hold everyone accountable.”
While it may sound surprisingly pessimistic, the organization took his words to heart. After a fierce bidding war with the Atlanta Braves, the Dodgers managed to ink a contract for the Santa Monica Vikings global sensation Blue Hunter. With less career home runs than years lived on Earth, Hunter provides the Dodgers with a stunning unpredictability. Former manager Tommy Lasorda expressed his excitement
about the signing.
“Blue is an absolute demon,” Lasorda said. “I saw the way he mowed down half of his teammates in [senior] Assassin this year with absolutely zero mercy. On the field, his ability to provide shifts in center field and on the mound is reminiscent of our very own Kiké Hernandez. And you can’t have
a more fitting name for repping the Dodger blue; it’s almost too perfect.”
With the signing of Hunter coming in at a reasonable $43.05, the Dodgers entered March with plenty more in the bank to continue their raid of Santa Monica High School.
On Sunday, March 2, the Dodgers signed Brady Satinover to a 27 year deal. A former teammate of Hunter, Satinovers lack
of age is more than made up for with his incredible speed on the basepath. Following Shohei Ohtani’s 50/50 (home runs/stolen bases) campaign last year, ESPN has projected Satinover as an early favorite to achieve the first ever 2/85 season. Dodgers legend Clayton Kershaw spoke out on the potential benefits of the Satinover signing.
“I’ve had to sit in the dugout and watch Max Muncy rip line-drives off the wall then struggle to reach first base for the last five seasons,” Kershaw said. “I think the new kid will be able to give us what Max physically can’t because he’s really fast and everything. I’m planning on training him by whipping unannounced fastballs in his general direction until he can outrun them.”
With one roster slot left to fill, the Blues turned to the Vikings for business once again and snatched up superstar Gavin Kirtley on a long term deal. Being relatively the same size as the strike zone, Kirtley has the potential to serve as a unique obstacle for major league pitchers. Reigning league MVP Shohei Ohtani was beyond excited for Kirtleys arrival.
“Gavin may be small, but he has the arm strength of a beast. My guy is an absolute cannon, mowing down hitters with ease,” Ohtani said. “The best thing is that he has plenty of room to grow both physically and as a player. It’s a worldclass signing for us.”
Samo football to play Division I in the 25-26 season
Aphrodite ShoesON Staff Writer
In a groundbreaking move that has stunned the high school sports world, the Samo football team has officially gone Division 1 (D1). The Vikings are set to face off against some of the very best football teams in the state. This announcement came in on Friday, Mar. 28 from the California Interscholastic Federation (CIF), which cited a “unique combination of perseverance, school spirit, and, against all odds, immense confidence in their skills” as reasons for the unprecedented jump.
According to an article published on MaxPreps, CIF’s decision was based on a complex ranking algorithm, which, due to what officials are calling a “minor miscalculation,” placed Samo in the big leagues. By the time CIF caught
this miscalculation, it was “too late to undo the promotion since the schedule had already been sent out.”
When asked about the condition of anonymity the CIF General Director stated, “We thought we were ranking a different school, but the damage is done, so best of luck to the Vikings!”
CIF spokesperson Adam Robinson, “This is a testament to the resilient and competitive spirit of the team. Despite what some might call statistical challenges, placing 5th in the Division 9 Ocean League, and only winning one game in League in 24-25 season, the Santa Monica program has demonstrated some qualities that align with the D1 standards,” Robinson said.
As a result of this unexpected move, Samo will now compete against powerhouse programs like St. John Bosco,
Mater Dei and IMG Academy, despite what some analysts have described as “minor differences in roster depth, experience, and basic football ability.”
Leading the charge is D1 recruit Curtis Poshe (’27), the Vikings’ star running back. “This is history in the making, we’ve been grinding all season and I’m so glad we’re getting this opportunity to prove ourselves,” Poshe said. “And I’m coming for Uno [former Samo running back], he’s gonna live in my shadows just you wait.”
When asked how he plans to handle Mater Dei’s defensive line, Poshe simply responded, “Confidence.”
Now that Samo is officially a D1 school, changes are already underway. The athletic department has secured a major sponsorship from the infamous Nigerian Prince and has just begun a rigorous training schedule created and coached by David Goggins. With the millions of dollars supposedly wired from the prince to the athletic department, Samo is already investing in next-generation training equipment (which at the moment, are stuck in customs). The prince has also promised to send custom gold-plated jerseys, handcrafted in a secret offshore facility and a fleet of luxury team buses, once the funds clear from his Swiss bank account.
Meanwhile under Goggins’ leadership, practices now start at 3:15 AM and consist of running barefoot on the freeway while yelling motivational quotes in perfect synchronism; on Mar. 17, the Vikings’ celebrated St. Patrick’s day by doing exactly that.
“No excuses,” Goggins reportedly shouted at the team. “You don’t get better by sleeping! Or drinking water!” As the Vikings prepare for their new schedule, excitement and panic spread across campus. While some students are eager to see the team make history, others are just wondering how long it will take before CIF revokes this offer. Until then, Samo is all in. The Vikings’ will play their first home game against Mater Dei High School on April 1.
thesamohinews@gmail.com thesamohinews@gmail.com
Art by Major Dingus Major
Art by Major Dingus Major
Sports stereotypes: A look into the typical Samo athlete
livlauphlove Social Media Manager
Sports stereotypes are all around. We’ve all seen the 6’ 7” guy walking down the street, he must be in the NBA…right? Or the soccer player always accused of flopping..but what happens when they’re actually injured? Or the average high school football player who gets away with everything just because their teacher is the coach’s wife. The real question is are these sports stereotypes real, or are they just secret sneak disses? Here are some of the typical Samo athletes that students see walking down the halls every single day.
thesamohinews@gmail.com
Lacrosse boy:
Volleyball girl:
Football player:
Baseball boy :
Tennis girl:
Track runner:
Ranking Samo faculty-mobiles
Whether they’re tired after a long day of teaching or want to get around campus without walking, staff at Samo have found their own distinct ways of transportation. Based on a combination of factors such as quirkiness, flare and efficiency, here are the top 4 ways Samo staff get around:
are not only aesthetically pleasing but also a safety measure. The high reflectivity the scooter possesses, as well as its distinctiveness allows for Ms. Colburn to safely scooter to and from school, as cars can easily spot her. Due to the size of the scooter and the fact that it is electric, Ms. Colburn is able to leave her scooter in the classroom.
1) Ms. Colburn’s Electric Scooter
Ms. Colburn’s e-scooter encompasses flare, efficiency and practicality, all things that are extremely important when selecting a form of transportation. Visually, the scooter has a high reflectivity rate, which results in a silver iridescent coloring. Furthermore, Ms. Colburn incorporates her own personality into the scooter by adding a variety of colorful stickers to it. The visuals of the scooter
“It’s really nice being able to ride a scooter to school, as it really wakes me up in the mornings,” Ms. Colburn said. “And throughout the day while I’m teaching, I am able to have my scooter in the room charging so it is fully charged on my way home.”
2) The Security Guards’ Electric Golf Cart
The Samo security guards need to be quick and efficient when getting from point A to point B, especially when conflict between students arises. In order to meet their needs, the security guards have recently added an electric golf cart to their collection of transportation. Unlike bikes or scooters, the golf cart protects against rain and shine due to its roof, allowing for 24/7 usage. However, the large size of the golf cart does come with its struggles. In some cases, there is a longer delay getting places since there isn’t enough space to get around students. Chancy Jones, one of the security guards at Samo, is frequently the designated driver for the security guard posse.
“When the school was considering getting the golf cart, I was a very strong advocate for it,” Jones said. “Not only is it quick and efficient, but extremely stylish. The black exterior and interior gives it a luxury look, and I love ridin’ in style.”
TheSamohigames:
3) Biking
Biking has been a favored mode of transportation for years, and is very popular among teachers at Samo. Unlike the E-scooter or E-bicycle, the bicycle is a great form of exercise, as it involves lots of cardio. Biking is also a great way to release stress which is beneficial after a long day of work. Mr. Parker, one of the teachers who bikes to school, has experienced the issues that come with leaving his bike at school.
“I have an all black bike, which is a pretty common bike color among Samo students,” Parker said. “One day, after school, I went to get my bike, but it was gone. There was only one bike left, which was super similar to mine. A student had accidentally mistaken my bike for his, so I had to take his bike home; we switched back in the morning, but it was definitely a unique situation.”
4) Mr. Lowder’s Scooter
Although Mr. Lowder’s scooter may not be the most eye-catching means of travel, the scooter still possesses its benefits. In addition to both comfortable seating and accessibility, the scooter is convenient, as he can take the elevator and skip the stairs. However, even the elevator still has its challenges.
“Many students like to join me in the elevator once I’ve gotten in, making it so I’m often pushed to the back,” Lowder said. “It has happened more times than you’d probably think where the doors close before I’ve gotten out.”
The scooter’s simple gears make it quite easy to maneuver, which proves both helpful and convenient for Mr. Lowder. However, this convenience also comes with its downsides. Due to the simple buttons and equipment on the scooter, it is quite easy for someone who’s never ridden one to learn how to very quickly, which often leads to students taking rides on the scooter during class time.
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Sia Kresch Staff Writer
Manny Lopez Photography Editor
Aili Forster Editor in Chief
Art by Raha Ghoroghchian