The Rampage The Newspaper of the Ramaz Upper School
New York • Volume 65 • Issue 5 • February/Purim 2021 • Adar 5781• the-rampage.org
”Real Fake News”
Find the magic of masks again
Happy Purim!
Ramaz Rooftop Pool Membership Open
Aviva Schilowitz ’24 Due to financial difficulties resulting from coronavirus, Ramaz announced it is open ing up annual memberships to the pool on the roof of the Upper School, known affectionately by members as “The Lookstein Lagoon.” Many heard about the exclusive Ramaz pool but few have seen it. The memberships would be the first to be avail
able in decades, with existing memberships closely held and handed down from generation to generation. A public record search for the owners of existing Ramaz pool memberships brings up only untraceable offshore holding companies, usually with obscure names like “Ramaz Pool Pure Alpha II,” but no information that gives away the identities of the members. The fundraising effort is being spearheaded by Mr. Kenny Rochlin ’86, Ramaz’s Head of Institutional Advancement. When asked about the optics of the fundraiser in the middle of a pandemic, Mr. Rochlin noted that, while unorthodox and also possibly un-Orthodox, the move is necessary. “The Lookstein Rooftop Pool, Margolies Snack Bar, Etra Locker Rooms, Ben Gurion Hot Tub, and Soloveitchik Inflatables have long been among Ramaz’s most exclusive and sought-after amenities. Given the fiscal challenges of running a school during a pandemic, opening up this new giving opportunity to a wider audience is a no brainer.” Some longtime members are not happy about the new plans for the pool. One current member who asked to remain anonymous in order not to jeopardize her membership, criticized
School Lunch Eliminated
Nicole Hirschkorn ’22 the food at any time, getting the entire student population sick.” In a recent turn of events, the Ra- In an attempt to reinvent the maz administration decided to suspend school’s sanitation standards, Ramaz will the in-school lunch program perma- continue to enforce pandemic standards nently, citing the COVID-19 pandemic after the country is fully vaccinated. For for the cancellation. Prior to the pan- example, students will be obligated to demic, Ramaz lunch consisted of a buf- wear face masks, and socially distance as fet, salad bar, juice bar, sauce bar, panini much as possible, substantially minimizmaker, and soup station. When asked to ing the spread of disease within the stuexplain the controversial decision, here’s dent body. The kitchen will be renovated what a member of the administration and converted into a new classroom, alhad to say: lowing for more students to study in the “After putting careful thought building while remaining six feet apart. into the matter, we decided to suspend The new and improved parthe Ramaz catering program for sani- ent-council run lunch will be impletary reasons,” said the member, wishing mented for good, providing packaged, to remain anonymous. “The pandemic germ-free lunches to the student body. forced us to realize that an open buffet While this decision is aimed towards is simply gross. Anyone could sneeze on bettering the experiences of Ramaz stu-
the plan. She said “First of all, it’s already hard enough to get a cabana on weekends without new riffraff showing up. Second, what they really need to do is focus on improving the outdated facilities. The pool isn’t even infinity! How am I supposed to swim in a pool that I can see the end of? What is this, some outer borough school?” Other members shared similar concerns, with some mentioning that, considering the high price, members should not have to suffer from a pool with finite, visible ends because it serves as a painful and constant reminder of our own finite conscious existences before we succumb to the eternal darkness and unknown. Others felt the J. Robert Oppenheimer Memorial Truffle Fries could be crispier. Still, the plan was met with enthusiasm by some. Elie Gadlin ‘98 -- an esteemed Ramaz pool alum and, according to his current wife, “former delinquent” -- has fond memories of his time in the Lookstein Lagoon. “I’m so glad that my formative years were spent at the Ramaz pool.” He refused requests to further elaborate, but did note that the Santander Bank Towel Service was delightful back in his day.
dents, some question the logistics of the move. “Where will the panini machine go?” questioned one student. “Where am I supposed to get unlimited peach juice now?” asked another. To compensate for the dismay of the student population, the school gave out lunch-boxes embroidered with the Ramaz logo. Continued on Page 6
Inside this issue... ULTIMATE DEBATE: Rabbi Albo VS Dr. Gaylord
Senior Journey
Relocated to Miami p.
53
p.
613
Students Learn ASL to Communicate over Zoom p.568
Cheerleading Club Suspended for Shortening Their Skirts p.
777
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The Rampage
February 2021/Adar 5781
Perfect Day by the Hearth; Ramaz Calls Fire Drill Romi Chaovat ’24 Ramaz is redefining the ideal conditions for fire drills. Warm weather and sun are so “other yeshivas.” Maintaining their reputation as being an innovative and advanced institution, Ramaz is the first school to conduct fire drills in frigid weather. Rabbi Stochel expressed that this change fulfills Ramaz’s mission statement of wanting their students to feel “chill.” In this case, quite literally. Winter in New York is a momentous occasion and requires intense preparation. No matter how warm your coat may be, always count on the fact that you won’t be able to retrieve it on the day of a fire drill. Even in subzero temperatures, Ramaz students must drop everything and exit the building. For those who strategically hang their jackets in the lobby, just inches away from the door, even you will not get to snag your coat with the entire Hebrew department yelling “kadima!” and ushering students out of the building. It may come as a surprise to many that Ramaz is not only the front-runner of stellar academics, but it has an aptitude for meteorology too. The school’s expertise can be observed through its ability to perfectly plan fire drills on the coldest days of winter. Students huddle together in the cold, shivering for a whole 15 minutes. “At this point, when fire drills are conducted when the weather is above ten degrees, we may as well be in a sauna,” said Max Cohen ’21.
Ramaz has embraced a “the more the merrier” attitude in regard to their fire drills, often packing five fire drills a week into the schedule. The school has even created an “AM fire drill schedule,” “PM fire drill schedule,” and a “Rosh Chodesh fastday fire drill schedule,” for the single day a year this would apply.
Sarah Ginsberg ’22
skilled in this sport, and the beginners who are yet to learn the basics. The club will meet once a week: Tuesday at five pm. Be sure to arrive promptly, as the captains will be taking strict attendance. It is critical that club members attend every practice, because missing just one can make you a bad Rock
Celebrating Ramaz’s 1000th Club
We are pleased to announce a new club in Ramaz: the Rock Paper Scissors club. This club will be the official 1000th club in the school. Even though sports are suspended due to coronavirus, the Rock Paper Scissors club will be considered a sports team, given that this skill requires a lot of effort and strategizing. This game will not simply be played “for fun”; it will be learned in a competitive atmosphere. According to their mission statement, the Rock Paper Scissors club “aims to improve student dexterity and the ability to predict your opponent’s next move.” Additional benefits include increasing your knowledge of shapes, selection methods, and sign language. There will be a varsity and a junior varsity team in the Rock Paper Scissors club, so there can be a distinction between those that are more
mmmThe lesson learned is that one should bring a jacket every day, to be worn throughout the day: in class, during lunch, and in gym. Just in case you are faced with the infamous frigid fire drill, you will always be prepared.
“At the Rock Paper Scissors
Club, the sport will no longer be considered a silly game to settle an argument. It will no longer be a game of luck.”
Club, the sport will no longer be considered a silly game to settle an argument. It will no longer be a game of luck. Rock Paper Scissors will challenge your intelligence and equip you with fundamental life lessons that will be applicable to any job you pursue in the future. Those who think this is an easy game do not understand the complex thought process that goes into every decision when choosing a rock, paper, or scissor. The club will teach tricks and hacks, so the probability of winning will be 3/3. Rock Paper Scissors captain Michael Olenick ’21 said “we will train you extensively, so you are a master when battling with any weapon, whether that be a rock, paper, or scissors.” Currently, this may be one of the most competitive, physically and mentally demanding clubs in school.
Paper Scissors player. At the Rock Paper Scossors
Tests Cancelled for the Rest of 2021 Molly Hiltzik ’24
Breaking news! Ramaz has made the executive decision to cancel all tests for the rest of the year! Ramaz has always been known for reducing the stress of their students and prioritizing their students’ mental health. Last March, the administration decided to continue giving tests on Zoom, despite the pandemic. However, in a recent email by Mr. Cannon, he acknowledged that the school had made a mistake and he was clearing students’ test schedules for the rest of the year. Many students protested this new policy. “What am I going to do with all the extra time?” exclaimed a junior. “I love crying into my math textbook at 2:00 am!” According to a recent New York Times article, the number of Netflix accounts soared in the last week, which they have connected to Ramaz’s decision to cancel tests. A senior commented, “I was hoping for something more stressful to do during the second semester of my senior year than lay in bed and watch TV!”
February 2021/Purim 5781
The Rampage
The Rampage
Purim 3
Ramaz Upper School
New York • Volume 65 • Issue 5 • Purim 2021 • the-rampage.org
FACULTY ADVISOR Dr. Steven Milowitz EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Rebecca Massel ’21 Samantha Sinensky ’21 Caitlin Levine ’21 Gabby Ostad ’21 LAYOUT EDITORS Julia Feit ’22 Rachel Freilich ’22 Sarah Ginsberg ’22
The Roving Ramaz Reporter
PUZZLES & MEME EDITOR Isaac Silverman ’21 PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR Tammy Palagi ’21 SENIOR WRITERS Charles Spielfogel ’21 William Kremer ’21 PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR Tammy Palagi ’21 CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Romi Chaovat ’24 Sarah Ginsberg ’22 Molly Hiltzik ’24 Nicole Hirschkorn ’22 Eric Kalimi ’22 Rebecca Kalimi ’23 Alex Paul ’23 Aviva Schilowitz ‘24 Eve Schizer ’22 Sarah Silverman ’24 Andrew Spielfogel ’23 The Rampage is the student newspaper of the Ramaz Upper School. It is published on a monthly basis. Letters to the editors may be submitted to rampage@ramaz.org. Letters must be signed and may be edited to conform to The Rampage style and format. The opinions expressed in The Rampage are of the author’s alone, and do not represent the views or opinions of Ramaz, The Rampage, or its editors.
Eve Schizer ’22 Welcome to the Roving Ramaz Reporter, where your trusty Rampage reporter stops random students and faculty members to uncover invaluable information about the topic of the day. Today’s topic delves deep into the mists of time to solve enduring mysteries, such as, “what actually is a socalled ‘VCR’?” These ancient objects are familiar to our ancient parents, but they are utterly unknown to Ramaz students—at least, until now. Eve S. ’22: So, Mr. Deutsch, what can you tell me about floppy disks? Mr. Deutsch: Well— Anna B. ’22 (from down the hall): Did someone say floppy whisk?! I love baking shows. Eve S. ’22: No, floppy disks David R. ’22: Are you talking about a “sloppy frisk?” Isn’t that a form of police misconduct? Oh no, Mr. Deutsch, did that ever happen to you?
Mr. Deutsch: No, David, you are thinking of “stop-and-frisk.” Now, my younglings, let me tell you about a technology from long, long ago. A floppy disk was… Anna B. ’22: A floppy disk. Oh, I know. Isn’t that, like, kind of a soft frisbee? Mr. Deutsch: No, a floppy disk is an old-fashioned flash drive. David R. ’22: Did you say a flash mob? That’s definitely something The Rampage should cover—Ramaz teachers form a flash mob! That and The biggest gladiator match in history. Godzilla vs Kong. #Team Godzilla Mr. Deutsch: Schizer, I think maybe you should interview someone else now. Goodbye Kinderlach. Eve S. ’22: Thanks Mr. Deutsch! Hi Rabbi Bodner—can you please tell us what “VCR” stands for and why we should care? Rabbi Bodner: VCRs were already ancient back when I was a lawyer in Israel resenting tech companies. But if you
Zoom Fatigue Erupts in Violence Dr. Steven Milowitz
A group of teachers has declared war on Zoom, having endured now almost a year of lagging connections, students playing backgammon while in class, “funny” fake backgrounds, zoom bombings, real backgrounds that look like the Buckingham palace, commandeered smart boards, uncensored chats, pets galore, unmade beds, unkempt hair, sleeping 11th graders, Seniors in Florida, videos turned off, etc. “WE CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE,” yelled one teacher as he threw his laptop out the sixth floor
window. In an act of insurrection, hundreds of computers were disabled, destroyed, and deactivated, in an attempt to force students back to regular school. “We know we have to keep up hybrid learning,” said one teacher, as she impaled her computer with her white board marker, “but I can’t teach to boxes any longer.” Though the revolt was halted we were able to find these images from the chaos posted by the rioters on Instagram:
want me to talk about Mr. Deutsch and flash mobs, I promise not to keep that information under my hat. Eve S. ’22: I think that might be more than I want to know. Rabbi Bodner: Your loss. Anna B. ’22: I Googled “CR,” and it sometimes means “credit.” So does VCR mean “very creditable”? David R. ’22: Wait, my Google search says “CR” means “corpse retrieval.” Not sure what “very corpse retrieval” means—and I don’t really want to know. Anna B. ’22: “VC” seems to mean either “very cute” or “venture capitalist.” I don’t think we’re making any progress here. Eve S. ’22: Some mysteries just are not meant to be solved… Eitan G. ’22 (walking past): Why are you guys talking about very cute corpses?!
Purim 4
The Meme Gallery Samantha Sinensky ’21 Isaac Silverman ’21
The Rampage
February 2021/Adar 5781
February 2021/Adar 5781
The Rampage
Purim 5
Mask Hang-ups Alex Paul ’23
Masks have been around for centuries, and by definition, they are used to disguise many things. The anatomy of a mask lends itself to many usages. The cup straps and appendenage security straps, are configurations that can be most useful. Some random mask musings are pictured:
Deck the Halls: Alumni from Class of ‘98 Return to Complete their Murals Samantha Sinensky ’21
Rabbi Shmuli, formally known as Seth, artfully adds his yeshivish touch-ups.
The Ramaz corridors are coming to life due to the artful creations of current students and past alums, channeling Diego Rivera and Frida Kahlo, famous Mexican muralists. The amazing, talented graduates thought enough of their alma mater to complete the murals they started in high school, over two decades ago. All very successful in their different vocations, many graduates contributed to enhance these sacred walls at Ramaz. “Finally Ramaz can showcase a finished student-created mural alongside the galaxy scene by Arielle Hadad on the staircase leading to the gym“
said Arielle Levy ’21. Ramaz is happy to welcome back the alumnae volunteers. Seth R, ‘98, now Rabbi Shmuli, practicing in Mea Shearim, came back to Ramaz from Israel and added adornments to create more “acceptable” floor length skirts on the images of female students, and painted payot on all male student images. Rabbi Shmuli stated, “I wanted to add a little more tzinut to guide the students along the way.” Tzitzit are now flying everywhere with a hint of techelet colors. Ilana Greenbaum ’98 became a well known environmentalist and returned to Ramaz to eliminate all her previously painted murals made from toxic acrylics containing chemical components. She replaced them with recycled materials, and eco-friendly water-based paints without lead. Michal Seinfeld ’21 said, “Even these small acts added much awareness about the planet and sustainability.” Many other alumna are participating, from physicians, real estate agents, and giants in finance. All are proud to continue to contribute to the mural project and they all agreed, in unison, “we are happy to come home.”
Purim 6
The Rampage
Odyssey to the Fourth Floor Sarah Silverman ’24
Does Ramaz have a 4th floor? If so, what lurks in its depths? “I’ve heard rumors, whispers, and outright declarations, but I still think it’s a myth,” said Jonah Weisel ’24. “It doesn’t exist.” Alissa Rose ’24, decided to take the matter into her own hands and venture on a mission to the fourth floor. “The legends start from somewhere right?” She does have a point, but it would be a dangerous mission since many students who ventured up the stairs were never seen again. Moriel Weitzner ’24 said, “There was this one kid, Jake, and the first day of school he went to the fourth floor for a snack, because the third-floor vending machine was already empty and only had those weird grandma cookies left. He never returned. Some say he’s stuck in one of the freshmen lockers. Everyone is too terrified to go there, so I guess we will never know.” Alissa’s adventure was extremely dangerous, so she had to be prepared. “I packed my bag, brought a flashlight, and some food and water because I had no idea how long I would be up there, and I had no idea if I was coming back. Once I made it to the floor, it was hazy and smelled of teen sweat. The lights were flickering. I crept around until I found the library, and it was as if I was sucked back to the 2000s.” There were primitive broken computers lining the walls, and cobwebbed paper novels. When asked for a comment, Mr. Deutsch, the Master of Books, only had one remark, “What year is it anyway? 2000, 2016? With our current political situation, America is doomed. Also, what kid actually reads books anymore? I’m still waiting for a student to tell me they can’t read.” Alissa claims she identified a species of students known as the ‘11th Graders’. “They were incredibly tall and huge, like giants among mortals,” Alissa said while shuddering. “That’s when I knew I couldn’t take it anymore. I dashed around trying to find the exit, but it seemed like the hallways were getting longer, as if the whole floor was alive and trying to keep me there. Somehow I made it to the nearest stairwell and sprinted down the stairs, surprised that I was still alive. I survived.” Sadly, Alissa was unable to grab a book before fleeing and pledged to get one the old fashion way, through Amazon. Alissa says her next quest will be to find the 8th-floor swimming pool. The only issue: she doesn’t know how to swim, but that’s a worry for another time.
February 2021/ Purim 5781
Febraury 2021/Purim 5781
The Rampage
Paying for Attention in Zoom Class Rebecca Kalimi ’23 Although many students have mastered being able to wake up at 4:30 in the morning, spend an hour working out, have a threecourse breakfast meal, and be alert at their desks at 8:30 for the start of Zoom school, there are those who are still having some trouble figuring out this simple transition. Many students began taking classes in their beds right after their alarm clock rings to wake them up. In March 2020, Rabbi Stochel said, “We understand that Zooming from home is difficult and encourage students to stay in bed with their eyes closed during math class or exercise during Gemara.”
Multiple teachers have reported sightings of students brushing their teeth during class and even some cooking pancakes. Although this is the ideal way to attend Zoom school, some students figured out a way to never go to school again. Students have begun taking videos of themselves “paying attention” in class, and inserting it as a virtual background to make it seem as if they are present and wholly engaged. This initiative was started by the GO. Students can send them a video of themself and they will edit it for the student and prepare it for a day of Zoom class. The GO started with a test run in Dr. Milowitz’s class and have gradually been
spreading their program throughout the school. They are charging $45 for a ten minute video of you paying attention and $100 for a variety pack: paying attention, nodding in agreement, taking notes, and, a best seller, “my Zoom glitched as soon as you called on me.” Most teachers have yet to find out about this ingenious plan to stay in bed for a few extra hours. There have been rumors that Rabbi Stochel uses this tactic during their faculty meetings so he can log more time teaching his Junior Honors Talmud class about politics.
Purim 7
Behind the Screen: The Waiting Room Andrew Spielfogel ’23
TALMUD Wednesday @ 11:30 am
Sam
Do we have a free?
Sophia
Anyone let in yet???
Gabby
If he doesn’t come in 5 minutes I’m leaving the meeting!!
Ramaz rule is if a teacher is ten seconds late we don’t have class Isaac
^^
Sam
^^
School Lunch Eliminated Continued from Page 1
Jacob
Yeah pretty sure Rabbi Stochel said that during an assembly
Michal
Guyyyssss it’s been 19 seconds!!!!
“I miss the old lunch,” said Ron Alweiss ’22. “I hated quesadilla day, and now I’d do anything to munch on a sagging, cheesy tortilla.” After listening to the outcries of the students, the administration insisted on going through with their plans. “While the food might not be hot, the student body will be of sound mind knowing that they are not eating another student’s sweat,” said the anonymous administration member. Many students agree that the newly implemented decision is controversial, but the Ramaz administration declared the suspension of school lunch essential to preserving the health of the student body and faculty.
Isaac
Just left the meeting lol Mark
Has anyone joined yet?
Sophia
Lol @mark catch up
It’s a free
Mark
Mr. Letourneau Goes Wild Eric Kalimi ’22
Ever since Mr. Letourneau’s challah competition season ended, he found himself lacking in food-related items to taste and rate. His solution started out simple; he ordered three different meals from the parent council to rate. Upon receiving the meals, Mr. Letourneau sampled each several times, despite his theoretical “one bite only”
rule. Once he finished rating all the meals, Mr. Letourneau yelled in outrage over the maximum score of 3.812624563239/10 for the “mocha crunch” because he didn’t feel that it was crunchy enough. From there, his food-mania increased exponentially. Since Mr. Letourneau finished judging the school lunches, teeth marks have been found on doors and desks and students wit-
nessed him performing suspicious activity both in class and on Zoom. Some of his students even claim they heard him whispering different ratings to his scented whiteboard markers after class. The school psychologists, Dr. Zeitchik and Ms. Bernfeld, were contacted but could only find circumstantial evidence of his food-related crimes. There are even rumors stating that Mr. Letourneau keeps a secret notebook where he transcribes every food he ever rated. Some say he remains in the building late at night claiming to be “grading math homework” but is actually taking bites out of chairs to determine which floor has the highest rated furniture. Although Dwight refuses to confirm or deny the rumors at this time, Mr. Letourneau’s suspicious behavior definitely makes it appear as if something else is going on.
1 minute and a half later
Jacob
He started class
Michal
WHAT?!?! He can’t do this to us!!
OMG so not fair
Isaac
Ugh I hate this class
Sam
What the
Sophia
Fine im joining
Sam
Tell him to let me in
In the waiting room
Gabby
It’s been a minute. If he doesn’t let me in, im leaving!!
Did he start teaching yet?
Jacob
Don’t worry we’re not learning anything Isaac
Really??
Sophia
He’s just teaching us about Rosh Chodesh. Anyone taking notes?
HAHAHAHA no
1 hour later
Mark
Wait?? We had class???
Purim 8
The Rampage
February 2021/Adar 5781
Chutes&Ladders
The Ups and Downs of Senior Year t e c h
military
Julliard
Higher education
Gap Year?
Legacy
Letters of acceptance
Yay!
Early Decision
college essays
Oboe Player
Enter at your own RIsk
11th hour
aCT~SAT
Inf lue co facu ntia mm lt l en y da tio n
re
Buffing CV
Inspired by the original Chutes and Ladders
by Samantha Sinensky
Don’t SHOOT yourself in the foot as you attempt to ascend the academic LADDER
Email rampage@ramaz.org to join our squad!