Volume 66, Issue 4 (Purim 2022) - The Rampage by The Rampage

The Rampage THE NEWSPAPER OF THE RAMAZ UPPER SCHOOL

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New York • Volume 66 • Issue 4 • Purim 2022 • Adar II 5782 • the-rampage.org

Ramaz Upper School Selects Stevie Lookstein, Age 2, As New Head Aviva Schilowitz ’24 This past week, Mr. Jonathan Cannon, Ramaz’s Head of School, emailed the Ramaz community to announce that, after a long search and process, Ramaz has selected Stevie Lookstein as its new Principal of the Ramaz Upper School. Stevie is a member of the Lookstein family, related to Rabbi Haskel Lookstein himself. When asked how old he is, Stevie replied “this many,” while holding up two fingers. The move caught some by surprise. One current Ramaz parent, who requested anonymity, thought the hire was intriguing but premature. “On the surface, he has all the things Ramaz should look for in a candidate. He plays well with others, is inquisitive, and has a spectacular beard like his grandfather, but I wonder if he has the temperament for this job. Ramaz is a pressure cooker. He’ll have to get up to speed quickly. Also, he’s two years old.” Not helping concerns about his temperament, Stevie was seen throwing his food and rubbing it into his hair during lunch in the Upper School cafeteria during a recent visit. Mr. Jonathan Cannon, Head of School, de-

fended the selection during a recent parent town hall. “Yes, Stevie is a little green and, yes, he does some-

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training, but we are confident that he will grow with the job. Also, please understand that he’s currently teething. An ice pop or teething ring will go a long way in his development.” Ultimately, Mr. Cannon feels confident Stevie has the character and college connections that Ramaz prizes in an Upper School principal. When reached for comment about his vision for the Upper School, Stevie blew raspberries before explaining his intentions. “Mommy. Want juice. No night night!” He then started crying for no apparent reason and ran away. Stevie’s future Upper School colleagues expressed excitement about the hire. Rabbi Schiowitz, Upper School Director of Judaic Studies and Religious Life, noted that Stevie is a fourth generation hire for Ramaz. “Continuity is important. He seems mature beyond his years. Just yesterday I saw him make the bunny ears with his laces for tying his shoes. He didn’t get them fully tied but he had the ears! Not every two year old can do that.” When asked if he would change Stevie’s diapers, Rabbi Schiowitz was noncommittal.

times lose his temper and is still struggling with potty

The Ultimate Schoology War Orli Rabbani ‘25 “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” Teachers were found singing all around the school. Finals time. A time of chaos and horror for students, and supreme excitement for faculty. It surely was a holly jolly time in Ramaz for teachers: even more fun for them when the dramatic snowfall finally arrived. The night before the first final, obviously, Ms. Krupka announced on Schoology: “Cancel your plans, we’re moving the test to 1:00. We don’t want you to trip on the half an inch of snow covering the streets of Manhattan. Sorry guys.” That was a lot of fun. Coming from a New Yorker, it surely was a struggle walking that mile in the light snow. Students began doing what they do best: Posting on Schoology! (A job that was once for the teachers has fallen into the hands of crazy teenagers.) “Watch how it doesn’t snow”, “Like this if finals should be in the morning instead of the afternoon.”, etc. We had planned and organized everything to manage our study time wisely (like the school TELLS US to do), and they throw us a virtually miserable

surprise party. However, what upset the students the most were the impromptu and unnecessary announcements less than

began posting even more than before, and they were much angrier. One thing is for certain. Teachers, more than anyone, hate admitting that they’re wrong. So their defense against the students posts was to take them down and write angry emails, banning them from posting on Schoology. What happened to freedom of speech? Students were frustrated with the administration’s logic: It’s unsafe for the final to be before 1:00 but detention is at 11:00. Additionally, the administration completely disregarded the commuters’ problems. Some commuters would not get home until 6:00 PM, and then would be unable to study adequately for the upcoming final. News flash: the roads wouldn’t only be icy at 9:00, but the whole day. And, there was barely any snow so this crazy hour of fighting on Schoology was just pointless! Between detention occuring before the tests — even though conditions were expected to be too bad for the final to be on time — and commuters getting home at an unreasonable time so they were unable to study, this was, overall, just a bad move. Thankfully, Ms. Senders made cookies and everything was peaceful. Thank you, Ms. Senders, for fixing all of our problems.

twelve hours before the exams and Rabbi Schiowitz’s later post. “Detention will be held at 11:00 AM - 1:00 PM tomorrow.” That was bad timing. Truly. Seconds later, students

InsIde thIs Issue... lounge takeover p.

World record set By ramaz students! p.

ramaz rams make It to the super BoWl! p.

the scandal of the century

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Rabbi Bodner’s Manhunt for Collarless Students Rebecca Silber ‘23 They’re dropping like flies, taken at any second’s notice: nobody is safe. It all started on that February afternoon while I was sitting in Talmud class. Rabbi Schiowitz had been teaching as usual, when suddenly I noticed a dark figure lurking in the hallway. As I got a closer look, I saw that the figure, which I believed to have been wearing some type of fedora, was peering through the window of our classroom door. Suddenly, the mysterious figure entered the classroom: it was Rabbi Bodner. At first he just stood there, not saying a word. The entire class sat there staring at him, waiting for some sort of announcement, but instead of speaking to us, he began strolling up and down the aisles of the classroom, staring down each and every person in the room. I felt my body begin to freeze up – my palms were sweaty and my heart was racing faster than ever – as Rabbi Bodner began to walk up my aisle. To my luck, he walked right past me without a glance. Soon enough I realized that he was only staring down the boys in my class, which calmed me down, yet also managed to make the whole situation seem even more

weird. Soon enough, the first victim was taken right before my eyes. “You,” said Rabbi Bodner as he pointed to the boy sitting right near me, “come with me.” The boy asked no questions – and neither did any of us, including Rabbi Schiowitz. He simply got up and followed Rabbi Bodner out of the classroom. I had not seen the boy for the entire rest of the day, but rumors began to spread: he was dress-coded. The next day, I witnessed a second victim get taken. I was going up the elevator and it stopped on the fourth floor. A bunch of people walked in, and within the crowd, I noticed a similar fedora to that which had

taken my classmate the other day, only this time, it was striped as opposed to solid gray. Once I realized that it was Rabbi Bodner, I quickly turned to the boy next to me in order to warn him, since he was not wearing a collar, but before I could even gather my thoughts, I heard a deep, solemn voice exclaim: “You! Don’t move. You’re coming with me to the 6th floor.” It was too late – there was simply nothing I could do. That boy was gone, and he was not the last to be taken. The happenings of these past few weeks make me wonder: out of all the faculty, why was Rabbi Bodner chosen to enforce the dress code? Was it his unique fashion sense? Or just his intimidating aura? Whatever it was, he sure was the right man for the job, because I had never seen so many boys wearing such high necked hoodies than in the past month.

The Mystery of the Eighth Floor Orli Rabbani ’25 Every freshman asks themselves a question on the first day of high school, but none has ever had it answered. When they first walk up staircase C to the seventh floor, they ponder about the mysterious purple ladder leading up to a small hatch. What is beyond the hatch, no one knows. But is that really true? When asked, Rabbi Albo responded without hesitation: “The ghost of a prestigious sefardi rabbi lurks the school, and at the end of the day, returns to his home on the eighth floor.” Rabbi Albo adds: “Where do you think all the food from Sefaradi tisch goes? Just because he’s a ghost doesn’t mean he can’t eat. The dude has a life… ish. The only reason he spends his time in the high school is to punish all of the kids who ditch Sefar-

adi Minyan.” However, Dr. Aharon had a different response. “Yeah. That’s where I keep my murder board.” The Freshman Grade Dean beamed with pride. She had nothing more to add. The freshman girls who sit in the library during fifth period every day had a machloket when the topic was brought up. “I’m telling you, it’s a swimming pool.” Two others nodded along to the opinion. This is a basic thought that many Ramaz students, including Lower and Middle School students, have about the mysterious top floor. The other girls, when asked what they thought, said: “It probably leads to the pencil underworld. It’s where all of the students’ pencils disappear to. We all come to school in September with a lot of school supplies and they all decide to disappear to the eighth floor. Once we get up there, I’m going to find all of the

pencils I lost.” If the latter is true, when it overflows, we’ll be swimming in pencils lost in 1979. Another freshman commented: “You know, I lost my phone, and I commented on Schoology from my computer, but no one bothered to respond or help me. The upperclassmen weren’t kidding when they said they hated freshmen. But I bet it’s up there along with the corpses of students who wanted to dismiss the senior lounge.” The final opinion to what’s beyond the purple ladder on the seventh floor belongs to none other than Mr. Fuld. He stated a horrifying idea about what’s up there, and we should all watch our backs when being around the man behind it all. “Jucovy is trying to take over the school. He has been for years. Right Ms. Newman?” Ms. Newman nodded her head. Could this be true? Is Dr. Jucovy trying to overthrow the rest of the administrative Leadership Team and become the true ruler? However, the real question is: Which Ramaz student will be brave enough to climb the spooky ladder?

Welcome to Junior Davening Emily Vayner ’23 Welcome to Junior Davening, located in the holy walls of our very own lunchroom. We set the mood here by putting a curtain over the serving station and dimming the lights. That’s when the girls know it’s nap time. The girls and boys are separated by a mere plastic Mehitza where on one side people actually pray. Pro tip: In order to get proper beauty sleep, prop your black puffer jacket on the metal lining of your seat. Next curl up into a ball, put in your Air-

Pods, and pull your facemask over your eyes to get some proper shuteye. You will most likely wake up to the sound of Rabbi Albo across the divider in Sephardic davening, or a girl sitting next to you tapping you to wake up while Rabbi Schiowitz waves good morning. However, if you choose to stay awake, make sure you don’t talk, go to the bathroom, drink water, eat, get a tissue, breathe, move, etc. God forbid you check the time on your phone, you will be punished by not knowing your schedule because your phone is suspended for the day. Ms. Bern-

feld will probably be giving a therapy session to five girls at once or talking to the attendance monitor. Rabbi Weiser will give his occasional deeply emotional Goyim vs. Israel speech. This is followed by a passionate Ashrei where the boys scream “Kol HaRishaim Yashmid.” This sacred davening experience cultivates in the boys singing “Geshmak to be a Yid” while girls awake from their slumber. Count on the boys to let you know how many days are left till Shabbos!

Senior Service Trip To Puerto Rico Nicole Hirschkorn ‘22 On January 27th, 2022, the weekend of intercession break, over 60 seniors embarked on a chesed mission to Puerto Rico with the goal of helping Puerto Ricans in need, and cultivating meaningful and cultural experiences with the locals. This annual Ramaz

tradition was overwhelmingly positive, and many students agreed that “the trip changed their lives completely.” After a COVID-19 hiatus which prevented many chesed trips in the last few years, seniors were able to travel to the island and make a difference in the world. Students traipsed around Puerto Rico, building

homes, interacting with local Puerto Ricans, learning about Puerto Rican culture, spending time at soup kitchens, and donating supplies to the homeless at shelters. “It was the best trip of my life,” said Brayden Serphos ’22. “I learned so much, and I felt that it really Continued On Page 3

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The Rampage New York • Volume 66 • Issue 4 • Purim 2022 • the-rampage.org

edItors-In-chIef sydney eIsensteIn ’22 JulIa feIt ’22 nIcole hIrschkorn ’22 layout edItors rachel freIlIch ’22 sarah gInsBerg ’22 Broadcast edItors erIc kalImI ’22 ethan davIdovItch ’22 photography edItor eItan goldBerg ’22 contrIButIng WrIters Rachel Abelson ’24 Ashley Behm ’24 Leo Eigen ’25 David Gitelman ’22 Gianna Goldfarb ’25 Juliette Goodstein ’25 Stella Hiltzik ’25 Nicole Hirschkorn ’22 Sylvie Pagovich ’25 Orli Rabbani ’25 David Rubin ’22 Aviva Schilowitz ’24 Eve Schizer ’22 Rebecca Silber ’23 Sarah Silverman ’24 Andrew Spielfogel ’23 Keren Teichner ’25 Emily Vayner ’23

The Rampage is the student newspaper of the Ramaz Upper School. It is published on a monthly basis. Letters to the editors may be submitted to rampage@ramaz.org. Letters must be signed and may be edited to conform to The Rampage style and format. The opinions expressed in The Rampage are of the author’s alone, and do not represent the views or opinions of Ramaz, The Rampage, or its editors.

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Senior Mission to Puerto Rico Continued Page 2

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gave me a grasp on what the real world is like.” The class of

2022 has a stellar reputation; they are known as a “good grade.” As expected, seniors maintained their perfect reputation and were remarkably well-behaved on the trip, with every student following the rules completely. All meals were ordered through Chabad, and every single senior davened three times a day. On Sunday, they prayed mincha in Castillo San Felipe, an old

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fort in San Juan. “Overall, it was a fantastic experience,” said senior Grade Dean, Dr. Nancy Block. “I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Faculty Seize Back Control of the Elevators Andrew Spielfogel ’23 Students walked into school ready for the daily routine: sleep through first period class, show up to davening 15 minutes late, go to the lounge, and hang out with Mr. Gershman. But as students tapped into the building on Thursday, February 24, they were stunned to find Ms. Lowry holding up a red stop sign by the elevators. Shouting amongst the student body erupted throughout the halls. “You can’t do this to us again,” said Aravah Chaiken ’25, known for her outspokenness and candor. “Not after everything we have been through.” According to the dream team, the faculty was constantly showing up a few seconds late to classes due to the crowded elevators. The only way to resolve this issue was to give the faculty full control over the elevators, again. Later in the day, Ms. Krupka addressed a

few concerned students about the new policy: “We reimplemented this policy not only for the benefit of our teachers but because most Ramaz students are grossly out of shape. It’s time to get moving and get fit. We thought that it would be a fun experiment for the students. Maybe, in the end, the student body might prefer taking the stairs.” There was no number of Schoology posts that could prevent the students from getting around this no-elevator policy. Many students were caught in elevators, but only a handful were executed. When a group of freshmen attempted to ride the elevators after gym class, they were startled to see Dr. Honig walk into the elevator; it only took a simple “NO!” to get them all to sprint out of there. When Dr. Jucovy noticed a couple of seniors in an elevator, he charged them each five dollars, then promptly hit the emergency stop button and began to explain why communism is the only truly viable system of government. As the matter began to die down at the end of the day, there were still some outraged students. Some students were crying in the 6th-floor bathroom, and a group of junior girls went to Ms. Bernfeld’s office with a battering ram after learning that she has locked herself inside following the negative reactions. Rumor has it that the G.O. is petitioning for a student elevator.

Partying Before Finals?! Ashley Behm ’24 This year Ramaz students tried a different technique

to study for their finals: partying the night before. Since the beginning of time Ramaz students have used the same study techniques; they beg others for forty-page review sheets and study with one another on FaceTime for six hours straight. Many superstitious Ramazzies have concluded that it is not worth messing with success, as risking getting below an A+ is not an option. “Screw sleep and my mental health, I need that 4.0,” is a sentiment echoed to The Rampage by over three quarters of the student body. However, this past finals week a group of enterprising students decided to abolish their study routines. One student who wished to remain nameless invited a group of their friends to their penthouse the night before the first final. Instead of sharing notes and testing each other, they shared song requests and mosh pitted all night. Exclusive video documentation

obtained by The Rampage shows students at the party throwing their notes in the air and chanting, “partying is the new studying.” The next morning the students arrived at school after Tefillah, they were almost barred from taking the exam. “When I saw them, I was

shocked, not studying the night before is unheard of. Little did I know I’d become one of them,” Romi Chaovat ‘24 told The Rampage. The night before the second final, a text was sent to the Ramaz ‘22-’25 WhatsApp chat. It read, “party @ my house.” Surprisingly, 99% of the student body turned up, despite the final the next day. The other 1% were either not in the groupchat or had Covid. While students have remained quiet on what happened at

the party they have been pretty adamant about what didn’t happen: studying. The next day, many teachers were confused as to why their students weren’t stressed about the finals or ambushing them with questions. For the remainder of finals, parties like these were hosted every night and students chose to party instead of study. “I’m glad Ramaz students finally came to their senses, I’ve always believed that studying for finals is a waste of time. You either know it or you don’t,” Dr. Rotenberg noted, happy with the newfound carefree attitude the students had around finals time. After final scores came back, a poll was sent to students on the Ramaz ‘22-’25 Whatsapp chat. 200 students responded. Every single student responded that they prefer partying to studying. A whopping 90% said they were never going to study for finals again and they were just going to party. A not so surprising 95% said their grades went down, however the same 95% said that it didn’t bother them and they won’t go back to studying. The administration has declined multiple requests for comments on the new habits of the student body.

Lounge Takeover Andrew Spielfogel ’23 When the administration returned elevator privileges to the students, faculty began to trust students again, but rumors quickly spread of the faculty’s suspicious behavior: “Why is Rabbi Bodner no longer enforcing the dress code?” “Did Mr. Adelman really just enter an elevator with 17 maskless freshmen?” “Is Ms. Cohen letting her junior gym class have a free?” All of this strange behavior from teachers led to one of the scariest moments in Ramaz history. On Thursday, February 10, juniors rushed out of their grade college meeting and underclassmen bolted out of advisory to find yellow tape surrounding the 6th-floor lounge displaying the words: “Faculty only. Do not enter.” “I don’t understand how this has happened,” said President Yona Weinstock ’22. “The administration is supposed to run everything by the G.O., and the fact that

they didn’t is completely unacceptable.” Looking over the lounge from the 7th floor, a protest erupted from the students: “Give us back the lounge! We want it now!” Teachers completely ignored the students and remained in the lounge. Dr. Milowitz was seen writing a resignation letter, Ms. Abramson and Ms. Rabhan were doing contour drawings of each other, Dr. Honig was reciting a Shakespeare sonnet, and Mr. Elisha was brushing his luscious locks. When a group of students directly targeted the fantastic five, they responded that the student body does not deserve a lounge. “Ramaz does not give enough work,” said Ms. Krupka. “Teachers must begin to give students more work so that they can no longer spend their free time relaxing and focusing on their mental health. This is why we took away free periods this year! By giving students access to the 6th-floor lounge, we are promoting lazy behavior which takes away from Continued On Page 5

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The Meme Gallery David Rubin ’22

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Mr. Deutsch Goes On Schoology Posting Rampage, Is Censored By Ramaz Administration David Gitelman ’22

The Rampage leaked some of his deleted posts.

Lounge Takeover Continued From Page 3 the studious and serious atmosphere at Ramaz. Therefore, teachers should not only assign students more work, but we must forbid students from using the lounge altogether.” “Without the lounge, where will I take my daily nap,” said Solly Tarigan ’23. “If the lounge is forbidden, where else will I go to ditch Mincha,” said Yitzhak Tucker ’23. Because students were outraged by Ms. Krupka’s response, they had no

choice but to write a letter to the Head of School, Mr. Cannon. After one month, Mr. Cannon addressed the students in a lengthy email: “It has come to my attention that Upper School students are against the faculty lounge takeover. However, we feel it is indeed necessary to implement this policy as it represents Ramaz’s theme, “Next Level.” We must rise to the next level of Ramaz and bring back the rigorous behavior of our students. In order to do so, we must take away their lounge privileges so they can focus on their studies.”

Circumventing the Mask Mandate With Costume Masks Eve Schizer ’26 In recent days, a strange new trend has emerged at Ramaz: students have been coming to school wearing costume masks and claiming to be within the school’s mask mandate. “I’m still wearing a mask! It’s on my face,”

claimed Mati Finkelstein ’22 wearing a cat mask. “Well, at least mine covers my mouth!” exclaimed David Gitelman ‘22, who was standing nearby and wearing a plastic Darth Vader mask. This phenomenon has become so prevalent that the school sent an email to parents claiming that there would be disciplinary action if students contin-

ued to do this. No such action followed. Amusingly, students are not the only ones coming to school like this. Some teachers have joined the trend! Rabbi Ritholtz taught his senior minicourse one day wearing a plague doctor mask. Dr. Rotenberg has also been seen in the halls with an Iron Man mask and a post-it note with the letters ‘Fe.’

Schoology Adds A Downvote Button, Ramaz Students Take Advantage Rachel Abelson ’24 Things on Schoology have gotten out of hand. Now more than ever students are showing their disapproval of messages on Schoology. It has gone from comments to mass downvoting. Before a downvote button was added, the Schoology administrators could take down comments and posts they don’t like but now, they simply can’t stop it.

“This downvote button is dividing the school”, said Avital Sarao ‘24, “now people are seeing how everyone really feels”. People are downvoting posts like homework and tests so much that they are nearly impossible to find. This leads to students claiming that they didn’t know about things. “I knew we didn’t like every post that was on Schoology, that’s why we all didn’t click the like button continuously. This is different, even things we can’t avoid are getting downvoted.

I mean what’s the point, its unavoidable anyway.” said Sarah Silverman ‘24. As posts are getting buried, the number of announcements telling everyone to behave have gone up immensely. Before announcements were scarce but now, almost every period is interrupted because people want to say things to the school without fear of them getting downvoted. “I like it,” said Alissa Rose ‘24, Continued On Page 6

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Schoology Adds A Downvote Button Continued From Page 5 “it adds an element of fun to Schoology”. Some people are all for the downvote button

while others are against it. “The downvote button allows me to tell teachers and the school that I don’t like something without having to tell them I don’t like it,” said Eva Goldfinger ‘24. “I like it and I am not going to

stop using it,” said Jack Sebag ‘24. Whether you are for or against the downvote button, it is here to stay and will get more use as the school year continues.

Tips For An Ivy League Admission Emily Vayner ’23 Have your heart set on Harvard? Praying for Princeton? Yearning to go to Yale? Here are the top nine tips to get into YOUR dream school. 1. If your GPA is below a 5.0, stop reading and move on to the next article 2. Are you a quadruple legacy? No? Move on 3. Be president of a minimum of 15 clubs 4. Be captain of the football team

5. Identify an undiscovered planet, cure cancer, or donate a library to a school 6. Play D1 Quidditch 7. Take every AP starting in 7th grade 8. Make the admissions office cry by trauma dumping in your common app essay 9. Extort the dean of your choice by threatening to cancel them with old tweets Follow these tips to secure your spot at your favorite Ivy League school. If these tips didn’t work, your money back guaranteed. Hope we helped!

Tanach Class Sets Ramaz Record for Longest Off-Topic Conversation Leo Eigen ’25 No matter the subject, grade level, or time of day, students everywhere hope for the chance to embark on an off-topic discussion during class. Freshmen of the Ramaz Upper School are no different: instead of the frantic note-taking and worrying about the test which are commonplace during the average class, a period consisting solely of a lengthy conversation offers a sigh of relief for stressed-out Ramaz students. As one anonymous student explains, “After a long day of work, sometimes I just want the chance to sit back and ask some existential questions about life, or some in-depth questions about Judaism. I find it to be very relaxing.” Recently, students in a ninth grade Honors Tanakh class took their desire for an off-topic discussion to a new extreme, and set the official record for the length of “going on a tangent” in the history of the Ramaz Upper School. The official timekeeper for the conversation was Aryeh Goldstein ’25, who also happens to be the founder of the newly-created Statistics Club. His comprehensive report asserts that the con-

versation lasted for approximately 90 to 100 minutes and spanned the length of nearly three full classes. A panel of five longtime faculty members was assembled by the administration to review the validity of the report, and after three days of consideration, gave it official approval with the Ramaz seal. It was recently added to the official archives of the Ramaz Upper School and can be viewed by special request in the sixth floor office. This record-shattering Biblical Studies class in particular is taught by Rabbi Ritholtz, a first-year Judaic studies teacher consistently given five-star ratings on ratemytanachteacher.com. Rabbi Ritholtz is a self-proclaimed lover of philosophy and history who loves to draw connections between secular studies and Jewish ideals and traditions. At the same time, though, Rabbi Ritholtz acknowledges that, “Although I truly do love to share the joy of interdisciplinary study with my stu-

dents, sometimes it can just get a bit out of hand.” Rabbi Ritholtz plans to institute a policy where, at the beginning of each off-topic comment or discussion, a timer will be set for precisely two minutes to prevent a similar occurrence from happening. Additionally, he will be temporarily suspending the popular yet brief “Ask the Rabbi” segment of his Wednesday classes in order to maximize learning time. Despite the measures he is taking, Rabbi Ritholtz also looks forward to a day where his classes will be able to have free discussion without the constraint of the bell and the curriculum: “Sometimes the only thing you want to do is ask some lingering questions about yahadut or let off some frustration about a teacher’s midterm grading policies. Don’t worry, I can relate.”

Ramaz Rams Football Team Makes It To The Super Bowl Keren Teichner ’25 It was 6:30 pm on a Sunday night. Sitting in my living room, I felt immense pride watching our own Ramaz football team play in the Super Bowl. As someone with foreign parents, I find watching the Super Bowl a way to express my patriotism without actually having to get off the sofa. I did not recognize the players merely because they were seniors and were not wearing masks. On the freshman group chat one girl said, “I could have sworn he cut me in the lunchline” further proof that these players are from our own school. I can proudly say that the Rams brought strong Jewish representation to the Super Bowl. While you may not have been able to see it, the players were definitely wearing their kippot under their helmets.

And what were those white things they were wearing around their waists with pride? Tzitzit (though I’m not sure the rabbis appreciated them using their tzitzit to dry the ball)! Also, many of the players had newly grown beards and are planning to become rabbis after their Super Bowl careers. However, I was a little confused about the tattoos; I’m supposing they were temporary. The Rams encouraged the introduction of Jewish music to the halftime show. The Maccabeats keep getting better, they sounded just like Dr. Dre. The administration must be really proud of the Ramaz sports based college admissions to the Ivies. Playing on the winning team in the Super Bowl must look great on their college application, they may even get the chance to become professionals one day. I’m not really sure why people keep telling me that the team is from Los

Angeles. Perhaps they are confused with another yeshiva school in Los Angeles and their football team. I don’t know, all I know is GO RAMS!!!

The Silverman Report: The Scandal of the Century: Bread Sarah Silverman ’24 In a surprising turn of events, the Ramaz Upper School Leadership Team has decided to change bread manufacturers. “How could they do this to us?”

one junior demanded. “We, the student body, their loyal customers, are outraged.” This sense of shock was felt by the three students, including this writer, who read the food labels. “Well, to be completely honest, we didn’t think

the students would notice,” says one of the catering company workers who would rather stay anonymous. “We change things around all the time. Now that I think about it, why is this getting news at all? Continued On Page 7

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The Silverman Report Continued From Page 6 With what’s happening in Ukraine, doesn’t the paper have better things to write about ....” Sadly, my interview had to be cut short due to being pushed by the other students in the lunch line, but other interviews with more reliable sources can be found below.

Now onto the issue of if Ramaz’s eggs are truly cagefree….

“thrilling” news story head over to the staff worker at the second lunch table, who is usually found scream-

The Rampage editors have decided that this article was too boring for our readers, so it was cut off. Which is a new milestone for them, since they take most submissions. If you want to learn more about this

there is in fact another line. He has nothing better to do with his time.

During lunch and free periods, students have fun and talk with one another. They act as though they don’t have anything productive to do with their time. “I should have work to do during my free time,” Samantha Zoltan ’25 says. “I have too much time to myself and not enough school work.” School work helps students to learn better. If students know they have homework to do and tests to study for, they will work harder and pay more attention during class. Since there isn’t enough work, students aren’t as engaged in their studies and often slack off. If more homework and tests were to be as-

signed, students would excel in their classes. They will enjoy school and be grateful for the fewer free hours. It’ll help students feel more satisfied with their lives that they are productive and aren’t so bored all the time. The additional assignment will help students prepare for life in college and working at their future jobs. The school’s absurd rule that there can only be two tests per week is detrimental to students. If there can’t be more tests assigned, then there should at least be an abundance of work to do. More homework needs to be assigned now so that students don’t have free time.

More Homework?? Sylvie Pagovich ’24 Students have so much free time in their lives. We get home and immediately go to watch Netflix or play games. Having few homework or assignments, we aren’t stressed at all. We have ample time for our hobbies and interests. Students shouldn’t have nothing to do at home; they should have an abundance of school work to do. Teachers don’t assign enough assignments and there aren’t enough tests scheduled. The administration changed the schedule to have two tests per week, and now students aren’t stressed because there just aren’t enough tests. We don’t have enough studying to do to fill our free time. Two tests a week aren’t enough. We also don’t have enough homework. When we go home at night, we should always have more work to do. Students only go to bed at 1 A.M; they get too much sleep and it doesn’t prepare them properly for the real world.

Students Fear For Their Lives, Beg Teachers To Wear Masks Sylvie Pagovitch ’25 Students are constantly sitting in class with a mask covering their mouth and nose, despite the recent lifting of the mask mandate. They wear masks while walking through the halls and throughout the school. Teachers however, aren’t as good as following this rule. They feel as though they are above this rule of wearing masks and don’t need them. Students are begging their teachers to wear a mask the proper way. They are scared of getting Covid and losing out on their school experience. Teachers not wearing masks and getting Covid only affects them

in that they have to teach from Zoom. If students get Covid, they are losing out on being with their friends. Students are asking their teachers to wear masks, but teachers don’t listen. Students feel as though if they wear their mask the proper way, then teachers should too. Students are scared of getting Covid and teachers not wearing their masks gives them more fear. Teachers refuse to listen to students when they ask the teachers to wear their masks. Teachers get mad at students if a student keeps asking. Students shouldn’t have to sit through class scared because a teacher doesn’t want to wear a mask. Teachers should listen to and respect the mask mandate. It’ll help stu-

dents to feel more comfortable throughout class and help them learn in a better environment. Students shouldn’t have to beg teachers to wear a mask. Classes are getting more hectic and crazy with students asking teachers to wear masks. Rarely do teachers listen to students and wear a mask. Even though the mask mandate in New York was terminated, this issue is an issue of basic respect. Teachers should respect their students without them even having to ask. In one class, a teacher didn’t get anything done for that period. Also, some students are threatening to cut classes if their teachers don’t start to listen.

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CROSSWORD Eliana Sobel ’22

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