The Rampage The Newspaper of the Ramaz Upper School
"Better Safe Than Funny"
New York • Volume 54 • Issue 6 • Purim 2020 • Adar 5780 • the-rampage.org
Rampage Memes!!!
We know you think they aren't funny. But we also know that our original front page idea was no longer considered humorous and we needed a backup plan. Anyway, what better idea for the Purim issue of The Rampage than to have an entire section dedicated to memes? Enjoy this compilation of accurate faculty memes by our phenomenal meme contributor, Isaac Silverman ’21!
Rabbi Albo says hello to the new health teacher
TikTok Epidemic Strikes Ramaz Rebecca Silber ’23 According to mental health experts, TikTok is an app designed to prevent students from spending too much time on addictive social media apps and help them focus in class. Although the app is extremely unpopular amongst the student body, many teachers and administrators have been noticing its benefits, and agree that it should be downloaded by every student in the Upper School. Dr. Rotenberg, who teaches 9th grade TEC in addition to his other classes, describes the new app as a “technological revolution,” and feels that with the app, his students are much more “controlled and on task” during class. In addition, girls’ gym teacher Ms. Cohen, has decided to replace her annual step-dance project with a new TikTok dance assignment. When asked why, Ms. Cohen reasoned that “the dance feature on TikTok is a rich source of physical education, allowing the girls to really focus on the workout and detailed technique of the moves.” Eva Fischer ’23 has been working on her Tik-
Inside this issue...
Tok dance performance for the past week. She said that “the dance has definitely been difficult so far, especially the learning and perfecting of the Renegade dance. However, I have definitely learned a lot so far; I’d give the experience a solid 4/10.” Fischer is just one of many freshmen who feel that the new app isn’t quite the move. However, the app’s popularity amongst the faculty prompted Rabbi Stochel to make app proficiency a graduation requirement. Beth Kahn ’20, who will be graduating this spring, calls this new requirement completely unreasonable. According to Kahn, TikTok has become “a mere addiction amidst the faculty, and will have no real positive impact on the students.” Additionally, at the suggestion of Rabbi Sklarin, smartphone aficionado, TikTok was integrated into the most recent faculty meeting. When the faculty were divided into groups to discuss how to improve each section of Preludes, each group was asked to make a TikTok to represent their proposal. “I loved working with this new medium,” said Ms. Rabhan, “Maybe I’ll start integrating it into my art classes.”
Seniors Excited About New Weekly Free Periods Ilan Puterman ’23 Do you miss the final exam schedule? Well if you do, you’re in luck! Despite most schools only having final exams at the end of the year and Ramaz having both midterms and finals, Ramaz still believes that students do not take enough final exams. For the second semester, Ramaz is trying out a new testing system. The entire school is now going to take their tests in a practically identical system to finals. Students will be scattered around the building in different classrooms with different grades and proctors. The only difference is that material is only one unit rather than half a year’s worth of material. Questions will no longer be answered during tests. If you thought finals were intense, imagine not understanding something but having no one to ask. The administration was motivated to implement this new testing system because of the mess that was created when all the sections of one class did not
meet on the same day to take the test. Students conspire that the Ramaz faculty decided that this is the best way to get back at the students for taking away their offices. Now, while students will be sitting in a room panicking over a test, all of the teachers will be able to re-conquer their rightful lounges.
After Excess Singing in LA, Choir Boycotts Dinner Performance..................................................Page 37 Ms. Krupka Suspends Campaign for President of Judaic Studies, Endorses The Ram................Page 1108 Student Schedules Same-Day Meeting with Rabbi Stochel.........................................................Page 613 Mad Libs (for real).............................................................................................................................Page 6 Crossword...and Wordsearch, too!...................................................................................................Page 8
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The Rampage
Rebecca Massel ’21
summer camp when they were younger. Calmed by Rabbi Stochel’s assurance that their lives would not be over if they joined the fun, they began to allow themselves to become excited. The seniors soon followed, and everyone stood up on their chairs, cheering along with authentic enthusiasm. Once the dust settled, Mr. Kenny Rochlin stood on stage and explained the logistics of the competition. Each grade would be randomly divided into teams of blue and gold, and, in Mr. Rochlin’s words, “Students from all four grades will show their #RAMPRIDE together! After all, the Ramaz Annual Dinner is quickly approaching!” Mr. Rochlin then announced that in honor of all of the singing that occurred during color war breakout, Ramaz color war would hereby and forever be known as “Shiriyah.” So long, finals! The students arrived the next day ready for action. Ms. Chechik, Color War Chief Justice (but hiding a secret bias for Team Gold), mentioned in an interview with The Rampage, “It is truly remarkable. [The first day of color war] was the first day of the whole year that we have had perfect attendance. Yes, that’s correct. There was not a single student who was not here. Even the Stamford kids showed up!” In a statement made after the event, Ms. Taub confirmed that the perfect attendance continued throughout the rest of the competition. Anxious junior Charles Speilfogel ’21 said, “I was planning to go away during finals and take makeups, but I had to cancel my plans. How could I miss color war?!” Talia Halaas ’21 similarly added, “I was supposed to take an ACT the week after finals, but now I’m totally pushing it off. This week, all my attention needs to be focused on winning the competition.” For the next week, classes were canceled and students engaged in hundreds of different color war activities. Artistic students decorated the hallways, covering the lockers in blue and gold paper. Musical students wrote cheers and athletic students spent the week playing basketball, baseball, and volleyball, scoring as many points as they could for their respective teams. But the majority of students at Ramaz applied their skills to the area that suited them best: unadulterated, knowledge-driven, intellectual and academic rigor. The Mock Trial team split into blue vs gold and testified about the ACT Cancellation at Ramaz (who is to blame??). Model Congress and Model UN held similar blue vs gold competitions, fighting for a bill that would legalize senior pajama day. College Bowl presented a series of difficult trivia questions about the eighth-floor swimming pool. On January 23, the final day of color war, students gathered in the auditorium for the conclusion of the event and crowning of the winning team. The GO showed a me-
Return of Ramaz Color War “1, 2, 3, 4, we want color war!!” students enthusiastically chanted, standing on their chairs in the auditorium. On January 16, 2020, students entered Ramaz prepared for their first final of the semester. Freshmen who were new to the system huddled in corners biting their nails as sweat dripped down their backs. In classic Ramaz fashion, students from all grades desperately clung to biology flashcards and history review sheets, reciting the 24 books of Tanach over and over until Ms. Benel ushered them inside for what they were surprised to find out was a full school minyan. After an overly-rushed davening by Isaac Schertz ’20 (students were, of course, anxious about getting to their finals), Rabbi Stochel got up to speak. Students sneakily removed their Tefillin as he spoke. Rabbi Stochel began by sternly discussing the repercussions of cheating on tests and went on to explain the new bathroom policy that the administrators had agreed upon that morning: as of today, no student is permitted to use the school bathrooms for the entire week of finals! He emphasized that the school can never be too cautious. Unprepared for this turn of events, the students shivered in fear. But, to their surprise, when Rabbi Stochel completed his remarks, he slowly removed his suit jacket to reveal something the students had never expected—a blue and gold t-shirt with the words, “Ramaz Color War 2020!” emblazoned across the front. All of the teachers poured into the auditorium with similar t-shirts, scream-singing Hashem Melech as they emphatically waved Ramaz flags. As the music blared on the loudspeakers, Rabbi Albo stood on a table in the center of the room playing along on his acoustic guitar. However, to the administration’s dismay, the students did not jump up in excitement. In fact, murmurings of, “Wait, what is color war?” and “How will this affect my GPA?” could be heard throughout the room. The last color war at Ramaz was in 1954, so the idea of any competition simply for the sake of fun and enjoyment was a first for these
students. “Talmidim Yekarim,” Rabbi Stochel started, “First Semester grades are now irrelevant, so a student’s participation in color war will have no negative ramifications on your grades, SAT scores, or acceptance to colleges.” Sighs of relief could be heard throughout the room. A few students sitting in the back realized that they remembered color war from
Dieting Advice From Mr. Deutsch Daniel Kalimi ’23 As humans, we strive to stay healthy, and a not-so-easy way to achieve that goal is to go on a diet. Although it may be hard to commit to a diet, our very own Mr. Deutsch has been dieting for almost four years. When asked why he decided to start dieting, he said, “When my son, Sam, first came to Ramaz, everyone was telling him that he looks like me, and as a result of this, he cried himself to sleep for about a month. I started dieting so he wouldn’t be so embarrassed by me. I don’t think it worked because the crying never stopped.”Anyway, Mr. Deutsch agreed to share three tips for dieting as long and as effectively as possible. 1) Cheat Day Every Day: According to Deutsch, a donut or two daily helps speed up your metabolism and will help you diet longer because it won’t even feel like you are dieting. It might even feel like you are doing the exact opposite. When asked if the number of calories in a donut can take you further from the goal of being healthy, he said, “The high calorie count of a donut is actually the reason for all the health benefits—the more calories your body absorbs, the more energy your body has to burn fat.” 2) Ramadan: Although Mr. Deutsch doesn’t recommend observing Ramadan, he finds that it is
advantageous to watch Ramadan TV shows (i.e., watching an episode every night of Ramadan—apparently that’s a thing…). He says that you should watch them how they are made to be watched (one episode every night of Ramadan) so that even if you aren’t actually celebrating Ramadan, you will be tricking your body into thinking that you are fasting, and as a result, you will lose a lot of weight. After four years of the Ramadan TV show lifestyle, Mr. Deutsch strongly recommends the show Black Crows, available on Netflix. 3) Finger Puppets: As many of his students know, Mr. Deutsch owns an assortment of finger puppets. But what many of his students don’t know is that although Deutsch’s finger puppets are important for his teaching strategies, they are also a key part of his dieting successes. Although there is no scientific evidence for this, Mr. Deutsch stresses that just owning a couple of these finger puppets will get you back in shape in no time. The side benefit is that you can't eat when you're using them! Overall, whether you want to get slim or start eating healthy, these are three must-have tips for people looking to pursue a diet. If anyone has any questions, you can always find Mr. Deutsch in the library, in the lunchroom, or running some sort of politics-based club in room 501 at 5:01.
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diocre video of themselves dancing around different color war events to try to make the students laugh. It was time for the results. After a five-minute buildup of team cheers, Hatikvah, and the Star-Spangled Banner, Rabbi Stochel announced the results of the week-long event. “And the winner of the 2020/5780 Color War Shiriyah completion...
is...NO ONE! It was a tie!” Rabbi Slomnicki explained that “Here at Ramaz we are all winners. We come together as one to celebrate our successes and victories.” The students were furious. “I spent eighteen hours decorating the lobby!” exclaimed Rachel Araten ’20. “I would have felt better if I lost than if there was a tie,” exclaimed Mati Finkelstein ’22. But in an unpopular display of teaching life values, the administration explained in a statement sent out to all Upper School parents and students that the purpose of color war was to increase school spirit and promote comradery in the school, not to incite further competition. Under the guise of getting rid of finals, color war was intended to create a happier environment for the students that would ultimately prepare them for life, more than any precalculus exam. The college office agreed. Mr. Blumenthal said, “Colleges don’t support finals in high schools anymore. They’re not into seeing whether students are able to punctuate a Talmud or spit back hundreds of memorized words. They want to see a fun and lively environment where students are appreciating other students and cheering each other on as they score baskets and paint hallways!” Ms. Messinger agreed but emphasized that while studying may be a thing of the past, Ramaz students still need to prepare for writing college essays. She added, “Another reason the administration instituted Shiriyah was to give students good topics for college essays. Colleges want ‘liveliness’ and ‘pizzazz’ in their applications, so if students are just writing essays about their life stories and what they’re passionate about, we might see a decline in our expected admissions statistics.” After the dramatic conclusion of the week, students are excitedly anticipating next year’s color war, but are hopeful that this time, one side will be victorious. Michal Seinfeld ’21, former Blue Team Student Captain said, “While this year’s color war was a bit of a let-down, I am confident that next year, we will win!”
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The Rampage
Epic Battle For Rampage Editor-in-Chief Charles Spielfogel ’21 Who will win? Who will get top billing next year? Eleventh graders are signing up en masse to write Rampage articles. Where have all these writers been for the last three years? Prospective Editor-in-Chiefs have been signing up for multiple articles in every edition, somehow before the spreadsheet is even sent out to all the writers. Names appear within seconds of the spreadsheet going live. The fight to be an editor is fierce. When the news articles are taken, the race to score a feature article begins. How
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many articles will it take to become an editor? Nobody knows, but students have been building their portfolio of articles for years. Sign-ups go faster than a supreme drop (so 2019). Juniors are signing up for May issue articles in December. Maybe it’s not what you know, but who you know. The only thing that’s certain is that the fight is on. #IWantToBeEditor, #DoYouThinkIReallyWantedToWriteAPurimArticle, #IKnowThisWon’tBeAFeature, #GameOn.
Senior Sick Day Josephine Schizer ’20 The classroom of students erupted into coughing and sneezing fits. Piles of tissues accumulated on desks as the garbage can was neglected. Every time teachers attempted to speak, a new student would suddenly have the urge to blow their nose, making loud trumpeting sounds and drowning out the sound of his voice.
Every year, there is Senior Pajama Day and Senior Ditch Day, but this year, for the first time, there is a new innovation—Senior Sick Day. The same phenomenon was occurring in many senior mini-courses throughout the building, as teachers found themselves unable to get a word in edgewise between the sniffles, coughing fits, and loud nose blowing. Teachers ran to Infectious Diseases teacher Ms. Dashiff asking her to explain the mysterious phenomenon. Germy tissues were strewn across desks, and teachers took to walking around the building wearing face masks and gloves. The demand was so great that by 10 AM, the nurse was experiencing a shortage of face masks and had to run to Duane Reade to restock. Soon, everyone realized that these senior “illnesses” weren’t actually contagious. Rather, the class of 2020 was staging a protest in order to make a point. “When I’m sick, I should stay at home and rest, right?” explained Sam Low ’20, “Otherwise I’ll end up spreading my germs all over the building like we’re doing today. How-
ever, because of the mini-course attendance policies, I’ll be dragging myself to school all semester, no matter what I have because if I miss one day of school, that means writing 16 pages so that my grades don’t suffer.” This senior protest surely got the attention of the administration, who were receiving complaints from teachers all day about the loss of class time and shortage of tissues. “Every other minute someone was asking me to leave to go get more tissues from the nurse,” said a teacher who asked to remain anonymous, “and when students were in class, it sounded like a zoo with all the nose-blowing and coughing.” “I’ll look into the policy,” said Rabbi Stochel, “we take all our students’ complaints very seriously.” However, this wasn’t enough. The seniors have promised to continue this charade until their requests are honored and they have the right to stay home sick unpunished.
Interview With RamLife App Co-Creator Daniel Kalimi ’23 A great man, a smart man, a man who goes by the name Levi Leches ’21, along with Sophia Kremer ’20, has finally helped to deciphered the integration of the Ramaz scheduling system into an application on a cellular device. Conceived and developed by great leaders in the Kingdom of Ramaz, RamLife has been released onto the Apple App Store and has now been shedding light onto all of us students. Upon the release of the app, The Rampage was lucky enough to be able to score an interview with the co-creator of RamLife, the app that will change the lives of Ramaz students from now until forever. Daniel Kalimi ’23: So, Levi, how was your day today? Levi Lesches ’21: It was okay so far. I only saved the world about twice this morning which is a little less than usual. DK: The big news has come out that you are being nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for coding RamLife. The Rampage wants to know—how do you prevent the fame from getting to your head? LL: I do what any other magnificent student of Ramaz does: I play some Clash of Clans with the boys. If anyone wants to join my clan, it is called “RamazNerds4Lyfe”. Speaking of Clash of Clans, I have to tell you that SuperCell, the company that made the app, just asked me to become their CEO, but due to other obligations I respectively declined their offer. DK: Okay Levi, no need to flex. LL: Nah, flexing is for the boys. And please, I’ve had cooler stuff happen to me, so this is NBD. DK: Okay Levi, you do you. But anyways, I’ve got to ask you about what everyone is dying to know. What exactly are you doing with your life now that you’ve finished working on RamLife? LL: Although the Ramaz app is a never-ending project and will be in the history books until the end of time, I am now pursuing my dreams of being a director and directing a movie called, RamLife: The Movie. If that becomes a big hit, I am planning to make a sequel, RamLife vs. Schoology: The Epic Battle of Two Unwanted Communication Services. DK: Thank you for your time today, Levi. I know that you’re a busy man. The Rampage wishes you best of luck on your future endeavors. LL: Peace out.
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The Rampage
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Sophomore Class Now Accepting Non-Human Students Rachel Freilich ’22 Students sitting in the lounge or running to class may have heard exclamations of “Jodi!” or “Mouse!” and ignored them or thought they were jokes. Unfortunately, Jodi, as students have taken to calling the mouse, is anything but imaginary. She roams around the corners and holes of the school as students scurry to class. Jodi sightings have been reported in numerous places, so some students think that more than one mouse has been strolling through the school. Since the sophomore class is one of the smallest in Ramaz’s recent history, students wonder if the admissions office has resorted to recruiting
vermin to fill the class. It’s a genius idea on the administration’s part. Jodi doesn’t take up space in the classroom (she simply peers through the vents in the ceiling), and she doesn’t need a meal plan (she just rummages through the trash). Despite the friendly and welcoming nature of Ramaz Upper School students, no one has gotten close enough to Jodi. “I really want to meet her,” said one sophomore excitedly, “I remember what it was like to be a new student at Ramaz last year, so I really want to help Jodi make friends.” Sometimes Jodi peeks her little head through the vent and looks a bit bewildered, similar to many Ramaz students after sitting through a particularly difficult class. College advising may also present a challenge, although the placement of a
non-human (especially if Jodi scores a spot in the Ivy League) may put Ramaz back on top of all of the Jewish day schools when recruiting incoming freshmen. Also, one wonders if Jodi’s Hebrew placement is correct. After not receiving any response when calling “achbar” either Jodi doesn’t understand or.....Jodi is not a mouse and is actually A RAT!
Consistency in an Inconsistent Time Because we are living in tumultuous times, The Rampage offers you this list of things at Ramaz that will always be here and never change: • • • •
No Color War Inconsistent Scheduling Mr. Canon’s love of his dog and hatred of vaping Unenforced dress-code
• • • • • •
Dr. Jucovy Mr. Deutsch wearing his Fez An Impermanent Head of School Full Bathrooms during mincha Students whining about their grades Mice
Lost and Found: A Freshman Perspective Aliza Teller ’23 and Joyce Salame ’23 Here at Ramaz, we are one. We are kind to each other, respect one another, and...have the tendency to lose some pretty weird things. This past year, things such as a dirty sock in the library and a screwdriver in the student lounge were reported missing. Many questions arose as to where these objects originated. But, contrary to popular belief, this is a question that will never be answered. Socks are not the only article of clothing that students misplace. There have been many
sightings of shirts, and not just your average gym shirt, but collared shirts. This is saying a lot because no boy actually wears collared shirts. Students have even lost pants and shoes as well. There have been many missing house keys. How did those students get home? There have been many fashion accessories such as bracelets, earrings, and hippie sunglasses. The sun really shines bright inside the building. Last but not least, the winner of the weirdest lost item to turn up in the lost and found is one Invisalign. Someone’s orthodontist must not be
Caitlin Levine ’21, Charles Spielfogel ’21, and Josephine Schizer ’20
too happy, but at least the lost and found will have straight teeth.
Just remember that when you lose something in this massive nine-floor building, don’t be alarmed; you are one of many.
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The Rampage Ramaz Upper School
New York • Volume 54 • Issue 6 • Purim 2020 • the-rampage.org
Editors-in-Chief: Zachary Buller ’20* Sophia Kremer ’20* Josephine Schizer ’20*
The Rampage
No More Special Schedules Dr. Rotenberg
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The Ramaz daily schedule will be undergoing its first Layout Editors: major change in five Hannah Doft ’20* years, according to Aliza Freilich ’20* sources in the sixthfloor office. The new Crossword Editor: Avery Sholes ’20 plan includes individual schedules for Meme Department: every school day. InAvery Sholes ’20 stead of the familiar Isaac Silverman ’21 M, R, A, B, C, E, and F days, there will now be Faculty Advisor: days from A through Dr. Milowitz EX for each of the 154 school days—final exContributing writers: Sydney Eisenstein ’22 ams will not have any Rachel Freilich ’22 letter designation, at Daniel Kalimi ’23 least for the first trial Caitlin Levine ’21 year of the new schedRebecca Massel ’21 ule. Gabby Ostad ’21 This will be a much Tammy Palagi ’21 more fundamenIlan Puterman ’23 tal change than the Joyce Salame ’23 last schedule update, Rebecca Silber ’23 Samantha Sinensky ’21 which happened at Issac Silverman ’21 the beginning of the Charles Spielfogel ’21 2014-2015 school Aliza Teller ’23 year. That change moved the non-rotatFaculty Contributor: ing days from MonDr. Rotenberg day (X) and Wednesday (Y) to Monday The Rampage is the student newspa(M) and Thursday per of the Ramaz Upper School. It is published on a monthly basis. Letters (R). The motivation to the editors may be submitted to for that change was rampage@ramaz.org. Letters must be to allow extra time signed and may be edited to conform for tefilla on Monday to The Rampage style and format. and Thursday mornings to accommodate The opinions expressed in The Torah Reading and Rampage are of the author’s alone, long tachanun for and do not represent the views or Ashkenazim. It also opinions of Ramaz, The Rampage, or its editors. eliminated D days and created the rotating E * Denotes member of The Rampage and F system for Frieditorial board days. The current change goes much deeper. Each individual school day will have its own designation, beginning with A-Day and going through
the alphabet. After the twenty-sixth day of school, a Z-Day, the designations will then continue with AA, AB, AC, etc., continuing through EX, which will be the 154th day, the last day of school in June. Dr. Rotenberg, who devised the new schedule, explained the motivation behind it. “We have so many special and modified schedules. I counted the number of normally scheduled rotation days and realized that they account for only about a quarter of our school days. Surely there must
Even Mr. Cannon has acknowledged the necessity of this new schedule. In a newsreel at the Ramaz Annual Dinner, he announced, “In an unexpected development, the Upper School will actually have one complete day of classes during the month of January...I’ve just received an update: no they didn’t, it was an early dismissal.” Ms. Krupka, Dean of Faculty and Co-Master of Scheduling, was also excited about the new schedule. “This is an experiment. We’re going to try it this year and see how
be a better system. Then it came to me; if almost every day is a modified schedule, why not just make each and every day of our school year unique? Also, just imagine how simple it will be: no more Rosh Chodesh schedule, Early Dismissal, Tzom, or PM Assembly!” According to Rabbi Slomnicki, Dean of Students, and Dov Pianko, Master of Everything and Leader of the Minions of Mordred, there are clear advantages to this new schedule. “The most important advantage is that it allows much more flexibility than the previous schedules. With the current schedule, every time there is a special event or assembaly, we have to create a special schedule and post it on Schoology the day of the event. This is very inconvenient for the administration. Now we can build all those special schedules right into the school year from the beginning!” When asked about schedule changes that are not anticipated when the calendar is drafted over the summer, Rabbi Slomnicki said that the new schedule will accommodate those changes better than the current schedule. For example, instead of announcing that we’ll be on an A-Day modified AM Assembly, the administration can simply change the schedule for that particular day.
it goes. It solves so many scheduling problems—I think it’s going to be a big success.” Reactions among students were mixed. Sophia Kremer ’20 and Levi Lesches ’21, Coding Club Presidents and creators of the RamLife App welcome the change. “This will be a very interesting challenge. Adding all these new rotation days to the schedule will be a lot of fun!” A student in eleventh grade who declined to give his name said, “Honestly, it doesn’t make a difference to me. I don’t know my schedule, and I never go to class anyway.” Other students were not so excited, however. “I can barely keep track of the seven days we have now. How am I going to stay on top of over 150 different days?!?” said everybody else. Mr. Blumenthal, Director of College Guidance and Co-Master of Scheduling, responded, “That’s the beauty of the new system. No schedule ever repeats. Nobody has to keep track of anything. No schedule ever repeats. Each schedule occurs only once, so there’s nothing to keep track of and nothing to remember. Each and every day is a new academic adventure.” Lesches added: “Now students and faculty will be completely dependent on the RamLife app. I’ll have them in the palm of my hand!”
The following was a conversation in the Class of 2021 WhatsApp group chat dated February 10, 2020. Tammy Palagi ’21
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The Rampage
Purim 2020/Adar 5780
Mad Libs: How to write the “Why (insert school here)?” Essay Zach Buller ’20 Prompt: Why (insert school here)? (500 words maximum) Ever since I was ____ (age), I’ve had a pendant of ____ (school name) hanging over my bed. I’ve always wanted to be a ____ (life-long dream occupation, noun), and with the world-renowned ____ (noun) available at ____ (school name), I know that I will truly fulfill my potential. At ____ (school name), I plan to double major in ____ (interesting major) and _____ (practical major), and even pursue a minor in _____ (some archaic foreign language). In my high school years, I’ve had a lot of experience ____ (-ing verb encapsulating prerequisite skills for one of these interests): last summer, I worked at a ____ (cool place, e.g. lab, law firm, tech start-up; perhaps Google?) with _____ (impressive-sounding academic celebrity), and through this ____ (adjective) experience, I know that I have developed the skills I need to further succeed in college. However, my interests in ____, ____, and ____ (synonyms for the three fields of interest listed above) cannot be fulfilled without my time at ____ (school name). Through ____ (large number) hours of independent research, I learned about Professor _____’s (name from website) class on ______ (quirkily interesting subject), thus sparking my ____ (academic adjective) intrigue in a creative and powerful manner. In fact, when I visited ___ (school name) for the ___th (different large number) time, I even had the opportunity to sit in on ___ (that teacher’s pronoun) class on ____ (another quirkily interesting topic). I had one reaction, and one reaction only: Wow, ____ (same teacher’s pronoun) explanation of the subject matter really spoke to me. The way that ___ (same teacher’s pronoun) used ________ (method of explanation) to get in touch with ___ (same teacher’s pronoun) students’ minds was so powerful for me—and as a junior in high school sitting in on a class intended for juniors in college, I was even able to understand the subject matter too! I mean look at me—I’m so smart that I was able to understand a class intended for college students! If _____’s (same professor name) class is representative of all of the classes available here, ____ (school name) is most definitely, without a doubt, where I want to be. But there’s more. I would be remiss if I neglected to mention the most important aspect of my decision to apply to _____ (school name): its glamorous location in _____ (clichéd and touristy city name). As I strolled the streets of ____ (same city) on my ___th (another large number) visit to ____ (school name), basking in its cobblestone paths and grassy fields, I’ve found a plethora of ____ (adjective) opportunities, including access to _____ (noun), ____ (noun), and numerous ____ (plural noun), as well as unparalleled sights, such as my personal favorite, the _____ (tourist attraction). I know that my experience at ___ (school name) in ____ (that city) will be shaped by the time I spend in the ___ (place) with my friends, and the ___ (adjective) relationships that I will develop with my faculty members. Who wouldn’t want to have class out on the ____ (outdoor tourist attraction) in the sunset?! I think I’ve made my case, and if you ask me, it’s pretty strong, so with this I conclude. While ___ (city name) might be far away from my home in ____ (interesting and rare country you’re applying from), I now know that in my life, and in my heart, there’s no place like _____ (school name). Nota Bene: Remember to keep the school name consistent throughout the entirety of the essay. Failure to do so would be bad. Really, really bad. Disclaimer: This article is printed in the PURIM issue of The Rampage. That means that it is satire, and whether or not you actually found the above to be funny, it is not intended to be serious, and you should not take any of this to heart. What you SHOULD do is think of legitimate reasons why you want to attend this school, and try to avoid clichés as much as you can. For real. If you try submitting this essay to college, you will probably not be accepted. Don’t believe me? Try it, and let me know.
Ramaz Club Lineup Caitlin Levine ’21 As we reach the second half of the school year, club season is in full swing. There are some amazing clubs at Ramaz this year that our students have embraced. Below is a brief description of the many wonderful, enriching activities there are for the Rams. The Ramaz Chesed Club has been saving the world. In November, a group of motivated students traveled to Monaco to help poor people who lost all of their money in the casino in Monte Carlo. The students then traveled over winter vacation to Bel Air as part of a humanitarian mission. An unnamed sophomore said, “Because of the risk of fires in California, we decided to help install fire hoses in every home in this precious neighborhood.” As proof of their impact, the chesed club is hosting a celebratory dinner so to discuss how great the members of the club are. The Donald Trump Fan Club was suggested by our very own Dr. Jucovy, who explained, “I started this club as a joke. Clearly I am not a fan of ‘The Donald’, but there are so many students who were interested. The first meeting had twenty-five students. Since then, meetings have grown exponentially; we’ve had to start meeting in the auditorium because class-
rooms are too small. I really don’t know what to do with this annoying club.” And then there is the male Chauvinist Club. There are over thirty members in the
sophomore class alone. “We are a group who are not well protected and defended at our school. Our concerns must be heard. Just because we are crude, disruptive, and disturbing shouldn’t
limit our ability to make a difference,” said one of its presidents. The Drum Club and the Boxing Club have merged. One of the Co-Presidents explained, “We began to realize our clubs were quite similar. The drummers beat on things in an uncontrollable manner, irritating those around. Similarly, the boxers beat on things in an uncontrollable manner and irritate those they are hitting.” The new Droxing club certainly is a big hit. The environmental club was busy running around Manhattan. To prove that pollution is bad, they spilled oil in the East River, drank from plastic straws, threw garbage in the reservoir, and flicked twisty ties into the Hudson. The club captain said, “So many people do not realize how bad pollution is. We just wanted to show people how bad pollution can be. Our next goal is to demonstrate climate change for all those deniers.” Lastly, the Arabic club and Israeli club got very little accomplished during a recent joint meeting because they fought over where to hold their meeting and whether they each had a right to exist. Students are enjoying all of the extracurricular opportunities Ramaz offers and looking forward to signing up for even more clubs at the next Club Fair in September!
Purim 2020/Adar 5780
The Rampage
Megillat Esther 7
Sports Update: Rams are Crushing it! Caitlin Levine ’21 As we complete the first half of the school year, it is time to update our fellow Ramaz sports fans on how our teams have been performing. We are proud of the hard work of all of our sports teams and wish them continued success in the coming months. The Boys Torah Bowl team suffered a heartbreaking match earlier this month against Heschel. As one of our leading students was about to answer a question about Shmuel Aleph, he pulled his hamstring and had to be removed from the field by stretcher. No one else knew the answer, and the Rams ultimately fell in defeat. Unfortunately, The Rampage is still unsure of the status of the chess team. They are currently
still in the midst of their first match against SAR. Because both teams are so cerebral, they are 32 days into their first match and still have no winner. We will have to check back on chess in the spring. The XBox team won a controversial match recently against Frisch. The score was tied as Ramaz
won in football and basketball, while Frisch won in soccer and curling. During a tense hockey match that was tied 3-3 in the third period, a Ramaz player asked for a bathroom break, and the Frisch player flipped out and threw his game controller at the TV,
thus breaking it into four pieces. The judge ruled in favor of Ramaz, despite protests from the thousands of fans intently watching this gripping match. The Ramaz boys’ dance team won two matches last week when both HALB and TABC forfeited due to concerns with the format. Apparently, HALB and TABC thought the dancing would be to a Simcha Leiner or Yaakov Shwekey song and refused to grind to Cardi B and Nikki Minaj. They also did not appreciate the skin-tight dance uniforms that were mandatory for the boys, allowing the judges to fully assess twerking points. The yoga team has been performing spectacularly as well. They won all of their matches except for one. During this one loss, in a controversial decision, the judges deducted 0.05 points due to a form break in the flying pigeon position of one of the Rams. Coach Katz went crazy, yelling and throwing
yoga mats as he disagreed with the call. As he was being thrown out of the gym, he was heard yelling, “Namaste to you too!” The Ramaz cooking class came to a draw last week in their match with HAFTR. Apparently, the judges developed food poisoning, and no one could determine which team sent the judges to the hospital. Needless to say, the leftovers that are usually donated to charity were instead discarded. We wish all of our teams here at Ramaz a big Behatzlacha as they go on to finish strong in this year’s final quarter.
College Guidance: How Soon is Too Soon? Rachel Freilich ’22 On Thursday, February 12, the 10th grade had the opportunity to hear from the college advisors. Some thought the meeting was successful in helping them figure out a plan for the future. Others thought it was too early to discuss higher education and pushed the idea of college to the back of their minds. The meeting was more of an overview than one-on-one time to ask questions that would actually help students figure out what to do this summer or what clubs and extracurriculars to join. Sophomores have not yet been assigned to a specific college advisor. The college office decided to start the college application process in 10th grade so that students would have guidance for the next two years. Stu-
dents were also introduced to standardized testing and told that they would have the opportunity to
coming May to which type of standardized test is best for them. Last year’s 10th grade did not have the same experience; they did begin their college meetings a little earlier than the current 12th graders, but not as early and this year’s sophomores. The administration is innovatively choosing to move college guidance earlier year after year. Maybe the ninth graders can get an introduction to college during their introduction to Ramaz at orientation. Perhaps 8th graders should use some of their June downtime to start brainstorming ideas for their Common App Essay. If this pattern continues, by 2030, college counseling will start in Pre-K! (Who cares that they don't know how to read yet!)
take a full diagnostic ACT and SAT at Ramaz this
Ms. Barak Explains Why She Loves Room 507 Rebecca Massel ’21, Gabby Ostad ’21, and Samantha Sinensky ’21 Ms. Barak has gravitated toward 507 due to its phenomenal technology. The class is always punctual because of the amazing clock. The millisecond hand is always on point, allowing students and teachers to get the most out of every class. Because of the clock, students stay focused and never have to wonder when class really ends. Ms. Barak is also extremely appreciative of all the fast and easy-to-access WiFi servers. She has never had difficulty joining the Faculty WiFi network, but if hypothetically that server is ever down (which has not been the case so far), Ms. Barak knows she can rely on the USStudent or RamazGuest WiFi networks. Efficient WiFi enables her to access My Backpack with no difficulties. She rests assured that she will have the attendance within a second.
Next, Ms. Barak loves her SmartBoard. As soon as she enters the room, the SmartBoard hears her voice and logs in to Ms. Barak’s account. The computer and SmartBoard greet her with a friendly welcome (in Hebrew, of course!), and within no time, all her files appear. All of Ms. Barak’s DVDs always run perfectly; they never skip a moment of the Israeli shows, like the iconic “Mid-Summer Blues.” Ms. Barak’s room is like no other, as it is equipped with a color printer, an automatic stapler, a hole puncher, and Expo markers in every color! Of course, Ms. Barak’s are shipped straight from Tel Aviv! The only other place that these precious resources can be found is in the sixth-floor office. And, let’s be honest, not even the supplies on six can beat Ms. Barak’s. Luckily for her students, they never have to shlep their take-home tests to the office to get them stapled! Ms. Barak is looking forward to adding more technological advancements to her room and hopes
to one day top the technology found in the library!
Megillat Esther 8
The Rampage
Purim 2020/Adar 5780
Tammy Palagi ’21 Gabrielle Ostad ’21
Talmidim Yekarim, I am pleased to welcome you into the joyous month of Adar. I rest assured all of you will act according to our mission statement come Purim night. As principal of the Upper School, I am always available to talk, just come knock on my door. (Disclaimer: you should approach Ms. Scheerle 2-3 weeks in advance.) See you all at our annual Shushan Purim extravaganza. For any further questions (or to sign up for Driver’s Ed) please contact Ms. Ann Chechik. Wishing you hatzlacha rabba. Tods, RSS <3 P.S. (@11thgradehonorstalmud) my daughter finally explained to me what “and i oop” means. Lolzzz #savetheturtles
Wordsearch Sydney Eisenstein ’20
1. JODI 2. I LOST MY AIRPODS 3. FEBRUARY “BREAK” 4. COMMUNITY 5. SCHOOL BAGELS 6. PEACH SNAPPLE 7. THE LOUNGE 8. TESTS 9. SNAP 10. TIK TOK
Crossword Avery Sholes ’20
A Buddhist Scripture