Volume 52, Issue 7 (Purim 2019) - The Rampage by The Rampage

The Rampage

The Newspaper of the Ramaz Upper School

New York • Volume 52 • Issue 7 • Purim 2019 • Shevat-Adar I 5779 • the-rampage.org

Faculty Show up to School for an Unplanned PJ Day

Harry Shams ’19

On Wednesday, March 6, students entered the building expecting the usual morning grind: some davening, followed by a few stolen muffins, then a few grueling hours of class. But as students poured into the building at 8 AM, their typical morning-drowsiness was quickly swept away by feelings of utter disbelief. Ominously similar murmurs echoed throughout the lobby. “Why is Dr. Jucovy in an oversized “I Love USSR” t-shirt?” “Is Dr. Milowitz wearing Philip Roth boxers?” “I’ve never seen Coach Dulny wear sweatpants to school– oh wait, never mind.” Indeed, almost every faculty member could be seen wearing pajamas: baggy t-shirts, loose boxers, warm sweatpants, and colorful onesies alike. It wasn’t long before the GO, angry and confused, realized what had transpired: the faculty body planned to wear pajamas to school… as a prank! “What shocked me most was that they didn’t consult with us first,” said GO President Becky Tauber ’19. “I mean, the faculty’s little ‘dress up game’ completely ruined the seriousness that Ramaz as a school strives to promote.” Tauber and her administration were so disturbed by the faculty’s disrespectful prank that they gave each teacher an ultimatum: change into normal clothes, or leave. Although most teachers agreed to change out of their pajamas, a courageous few were adamant about remaining cozy for the entire day. Rabbi Slomnicki, for instance, refused to change out of his bunny onesie, deciding instead that he would rather leave the building than degrade himself by wearing a suit and tie. Rabbi Slomnicki, who is currently on the run from Tauber’s Chief of Police, Daniel Levy ’19, remarked via a trusted messenger that “being on the run has been a big struggle but that it is a necessary price for a fluffy life.” Most students agreed with Tauber’s swift response to the faculty’s unfunny ploy, particularly those in the senior class. Senior class president Sophie Dahan ’19, who hasn’t exactly “gotten over” the whole debacle, Continued on page 3

Breaking! One Rampage Editor not Ivy Bound Esti Beck ’19

In a shocking turn of events, only two of this year’s Rampage editors will be matriculating to Ivy League institutions, the Rampage has recently learned. Reporters and readers alike find themselves utterly perplexed by this development, and it quickly became the talk in Ramaz’s journalistic circles. “It’s concerning because you don’t know what that means about the paper’s prestige, you know?” said Josephine Schizer ’20, a 2020 editorial staff hopeful, while hastily adding more safety schools to her college list. Others found themselves sympathizing with the third editor, with many sharing the trending hashtag #NoIvyNoProblem in support of her plight. “We’re going to sell Challah in her honor next week, and we’re working with Ms. Benel to put together a B4 assembly,” said Sophie Dahan ’19. “It was really just so moving to hear her story.” “We were as surprised as anyone to hear she wouldn’t be joining us at Harvard next year,” said an official statement from Natalie Kahn and Harry Shams ‘19,

Continued on page 3

Senior Grade Sets the Record for Perfect Attendance Natalie Kahn ’19

In previous years, the senior grade has reached a point when students just stop coming to school or caring. But this year’s senior grade has started a new movement, which they’ve called SPAR, “Senior Perfect Attendance Record,” in which the entire grade has been showing up on time to school, and a new trend called LTL, “Love to Learn,” in which students show up to every class and complete every single assignment. All over the school, the students have hung up posters with #SPAR and #LTL. Seniors have been walking around with boxing gloves to represent the SPAR movement. They call themselves SJWs, Senior Justice

Warriors, and they’ve even designed t-shirts, although Rabbi Sklarin has chided the boys for wearing t-shirts rather than button downs. No comment has been made by the faculty on about girls’ wearing words on their shirts, but the strictly enforced dress code will likely mean an intervention in the near future. School historian Dr. Jucovy has classified these two movements as counter-cultural, a response to the “senioritis” phenomenon. “Similar to the ‘Plugging In’ countercultural movement of the seventies, the seniors are responding to recent discrimination against seniors for the so-called senioritis. The unintended consequence of all this pushback

is that the seniors have gelled as a grade and worked together to erase this negative image and take pride in their senior identity.” Another reason not addressed by Dr. Jucovy is that many seniors found their college acceptance results impacted by the harsh consequences of social probation. “I had to give up mock trial and basketball completely and lose my captainships in both,” said Elizabeth Aufzien ’19, who has now as a result of SPAR strengthened her hold on the Tefilah Prize awarded at the senior dinner. Rabbi Slomnicki, Dean of Students, said, “No grade has as of yet quite exemplified our mission stateContinued on page 3

Inside this Issue… New Arrival: the iFlush 3000 . . . New toilets come to Ramaz in bathroom renovations What Grade Are You in? . . . Take the quiz to find out! Ramaz Senior Makes it Big. . . Spotlight on David Grinberg ’19, a master financier

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Purim Crossword and Memes . . .

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Can you find out which students and faculty make an appearance?

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It’s Not “Rabbi X,” It’s "Rabbi S" Josephine Schizer '20

A startling new piece of information has come to light in the Ramaz community, as Rabbi Stochel* has admitted that in choosing Judaic studies faculty, he prioritizes Rabbis whose last names start with the letter “s.” When asked for comment, Rabbi Slomnicki replied, “On behalf of myself, Rabbi Schiowitz, Rabbi Sklarin, Rabbi Stavsky, Rabbi Schimmel, Rabbi Schwartz, Rabbi Stern, and of course Rabbi Steinmetz, I would like to say that we never saw this coming!” “When I walked into Rabbi Stochel’s office for an interview,” said

Rabbi Schiowitz, “the only thing he wanted to know was my name. When I told him my last name was Schiowitz, he told me I was hired on the spot.” Rabbi Stochel* explains that this practice is perfectly legal. The New York State Human Rights Law only prohibits discrimination based on “actual or perceived age, race, creed, color, national origin, gender, disability, marital status, partnership status, caregiver status, sexual orientation, uniformed service or alienage or citizenship status.” Initials aren’t mentioned in this law, and therefore it is perfectly legal to hire faculty based on their last name.

“Over the last four years at Ramaz, I’ve really internalized the value of Rabbis whose names start with the letter ‘s,’” says David Adler ’19, “so I’ve decided to take it to the next level. I’m only enrolling in mini-courses taught by ‘s-teachers.’ I know it’s going to be great.” Given Rabbi Stochel’s appreciation of the letter s, it’s important to understand how teachers whose last names don’t begin with s have possibly been hired. “Ramaz needed me to run Sephardic minyan,” said Rabbi Albo, “And it’s a good thing I’m here because otherwise communi-

ty time would fall apart and no one would play the guitar at assemblies.” “Even though my name doesn’t start with s,” said Rabbi Bodner, “I’m the rabbi of Stanton Street Synagogue, which has three ‘s’s, so Rabbi Stochel decided he could make a compromise.” On the other hand, though the Rampage cannot confirm these rumors, many students believe that the two were hired for a legendary Rabbi Bodner vs Rabbi Albo debate. “I think Ramaz has really benefited from this new policy,” said Rabbi Stochel, “Next year, I’m hoping to hire even more ‘s’ teachers.”

BathroomGate: The iFlush 3000 Comes to Ramaz

For the majority of the month of February, a mysterious, disconcerting and downright annoying scandal ensued: the fourthfloor bathrooms were closed. With no notice, students walked towards the bathroom to find that the doors were locked shut, reading “OUT OF SERVICE.” For days, students, especially seniors, gossiped about the possible reasoning for such an inconvenience. “I think they’re putting in cameras,” said Eli Itzhaky ’19. “First it was the locks on the windows on three, then they sent Rabbi Weiser to six as a spy, and now they’re dealing with four.” However, that idea was quickly banished because of its evident illegality. Each day, students approached the bathroom doors with their eyes closed, hoping that when they opened them, the “OUT OF ORDER” sign would have magically disappeared. “I knew it was closed, but I kept checking because I was so lazy to go to the bathroom

on the 3rd floor,” complained Yasmine Sokol ’19. “I’m a senior, so my walking radius is confined to within two feet of the 4th floor lounge.” Finally, after weeks of the mysterious bathroom shutdown, the stalls and sinks came back online— and it was as though nothing changed. When John Edmundson unpeeled the sign from the bathroom door, there were crowds of students cheering on for the momentous occasion. “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this door!” one voice screamed above the din, prompting a mad rush into the bathrooms. Students from all walks of life—the 6th floor Juniors, Library Freshman, Rabbi Sklarin’s office Seniors, C-level Sophomores—all charged into the bathrooms at once. Soon, there was a run on toilet paper. Students were seen stealing paper towels, soap and even the washing cups. Prized acquisitions in hand, they quickly fled out of the bathroom to avoid any trampling or injury. In just minutes, only

Matthew Malakov ’20 remained in the bathroom, since the 4th floor bathroom is his natural habitat. In the following hours, everything returned back to normal. Senior girls resumed their mirror selfies, and Junior boys reinstated their mincha hideouts. However, something still wasn’t right. Due to the intense pomp and circumstance around the grand reopening of the 4th floor bathrooms, most students were distracted from the remaining issue on hand. Why were the bathrooms closed in the first place? Will the maintenance records ever be released to the public? “This situation alludes to the fact that Ramaz students have the attention span of a squirrel,” explained Ms. Bernfeld. “Students were no longer concerned about why the bathrooms were closed once they reopened.” Recently, I answered the call of “Hineni” and went to great lengths to answer his pertinent question. After attending a joint meeting with

Ramaz's Library Continues to Improve Our situation in the library last year was too good to be true. With all of our working computers, and never jammed printer- the library was a true “heaven” or glimpse of olam habah and remains so today. The school has recently installed the newest software for the PCs and bought a jamless printer. Students have expressed true appreciation for this as one said, “The library is so peaceful. Colored ink is readily available and is a true help in order to maintain my color coded system on my review sheet.” It is known amongst students that the most peaceful places in the school is next to the computers and printer. If you are looking for a place of true serenity and tranquility- these are the places to be. You can rest assured that there is always a working available computer. Especially with the removal of half the computers to create more useful space, the effectiveness of the computer system has only improved. The new computers are much faster than the previous ones. After hearing that not all the computers

Gabrielle Ostad '21

print, a lot of work has been put it to fix this error. With the installation of multiple jamless printers, there are never times where students find themselves helpless to unjam the papers. Word has it that, “having a permanent librarian is truly missed because there is no one there to help us with the technology”. Luckily, the instillation of the new technologies has enabled students to completely understand the “not working” sign on the computer indicating they should be looking for that ONE that is fully intact with an attached mouse and working keyboard and high definition screen. Students always find a working computer that logs them in by face recognition within seconds. Waiting for hours for a computer to turn on is definitely not the case and is totally something of the past. Overcrowding around specific computers and the constant asking of, “Are you done? Can I print something really quickly?” are ensured not to happen. Teachers have been very proud with the new results of students not using the excuse “the library printer doesn’t work, so I couldn’t

Jonah Scherl '19

Cido, Rabbi Slomnicki, Rabbi Stochel and Ms. Friedman, I was finally enlightened—and it all made sense. “Continuing with our goal to improve, replace and upgrade Ramaz’s dated technology, we embarked on phase one of our bathroom remodeling,” Cito explained. After being walked through the well-planned bathroom remodeling, I discovered a shining star among the basic upgrades. Beginning in April 2019, Ramaz will be installing Toto’s artificially intelligent toilets, the iFlush 3000. In the February bathroom shutdown, wires and cables were merely laid in order to better prepare for the phase two remodeling in April. “Are these really necessary when the WIFI doesn’t even work?” asked a confused Ms. Lowry. No, they are not. But are they cool? Yes.

print my assignment.” due to the new instillation it is impossible for that to happen. The printer has changed from a social scene to a speed dating scene between you and the printer. The jamless printer prints the documents within seconds and allows for each student to move out of the way within a hurry. Say goodbye to the past of socializing whole waiting for your paper to be printed shortly, after the 100 review sheets before you are done. All Ramaz students pray that the school continues to value the technology of the library and constantly advance bring brand new computers for the following years to come. Rumor has it the printers next year will deliver documents straight to your backpack and the computers will have voice recognition and fingerprint sensory.

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News

Faculty PJ Day Fiasco

Cont. from cover

commented, “All I’ll say is this: doesn’t feel so good, does it?” While almost every student utterly abhorred the faculty’s “comical” gaff, there was some talk around which teacher wore the best pair of PJs. Many agreed that Mr. Deustch’s Aladdin slippers and vintage Deutschland bathrobe took the prize. Additionally, in recent days, a small cult following has formed around Dov’s pajamas. The beloved student activities coordinator showed up to school in a state-of-the-art inflatable onesie, complete with its own internal air-conditioning system and a mini-refrigerator. Some students have noted that Dov’s pajamas look mysteriously similar to the suits used in bubble soccer. As Jonah Berman ’19 intelligently pointed out, “This isn’t a big conspiracy. Dov just likes sleeping in a bubble soccer suit, no one really knows why. You know what they say: a master never leaves his work, even to sleep.” In unrelated news, a masked vigilante has been spotted fighting crime across New York City while dressed in a bubble soccer suit. “I’m not so sure I would call this guy a vigilante. Maybe he’s a… a…. a hero,” said Dov, looking suspiciously nervous.

English Department Bans All Sexual ImageryEsti Beck ’19

After years of detecting sexual connotations in imagery as seemingly innocuous as a tree or a skyscraper, the Ramaz English department has suddenly renounced any and all such inferences. “Maybe a flower is just a flower,” Ms. Litwack said, after year of teaching that a tree was a symbol for the title character’s sexual awakening. “I’m tired of being forced to think one way because of Big English. The only way to truly be creative is to think of my own interpretations, and maybe that won’t include constant gender allusions!” Realizing she had worked herself up to the point that her fellow SC-office dwellers were staring at her, alarmed, she said “sorry— but how good would you feel if somebody told you that you could just accidentally drop a negative and the equation would still yield the right answer?” Dr. Milowitz, the chair of the English department, decided to finally put this rule into place after teaching Beowulf for the twentieth year in a row. “This year, when we got up to Grendel’s swamp, I just threw my book onto the ground and gave up,” he said, pushing a pile of ungraded essays off his desk to demonstrate his frustration. “I just

couldn’t say it anymore; it no longer felt like I was being true to the piece. I’ve decided that the marsh represents the muck of today’s society because of a lack of interest in fine literature and education.” Dr. Gaylord, sitting next to him, agreed. “It’s tiring to have to defend women from male privilege every time gender imagery comes up in a book, so if we simply say that nothing is gendered, I save myself a lot of work,” he said. Students also celebrated the change. “Sometimes I was the only boy in my English class, and I’d catch myself writing about how difficult the female experience is as seen through the novels we read,” said Hadley Kauvar ’19. “And I don’t know anything about that, obviously.” The gap in the English Department’s curriculum has been replaced by each teacher’s particular passions. “I think it’s time the department impart their interests onto the students. As such, my students will be golf.” Ms. Litwack plans on discussing theater motifs, Dr. Gaylord will teach board-games, Dr. Honig opera, and Ms. Cohen feminism. Students and teachers alike look forward to implementing the new system in the weeks to come.

“Maybe a flower is just a flower,” said Ms. Litwack.

No Ivy No Problem?

Cont. from cover her co-editors-in-chief. “Our groupchat has gotten pretty awkward because we’re finding it hard to relate to her now. I mean, can she keep up with our intellectual discussions?” Shams and Kahn were in keeping with years of sacred Ramaz tradition, where the editors of the Rampage, the school’s most illustrious publication, go on to one of the lucky eight Ivies. From last year’s pool, for example, two out of three were accepted to Harvard, and the third to Yale. The upheaval this year is a cause for concern for both the faculty and students involved in the paper. “It’s hard enough to get people to write for the paper, even when there’s the promise of a top-tier college on the horizon,” Dr. Milowitz, the paper’s faculty advisor, said. “This really shows the frightening decline of print media. It’s just not as valued anymore by this phone-obsessed generation.” Ms. Krupka, Dean of Faculty, declined to officially comment, but she did express that she thought that the paper could slow its decline by “asking more questions.” “I really just third-wheel Natalie and Harry,” the editor said, though she asked to remain anonymous out of embarrassment over her non-Ivy status. “I guess I didn’t have the je ne sais quoi to make it the extra mile.” She concludes by apologizing to her fans and expressed her hope that “next year’s editors use the other two as role models and avoid making this a trend.”

SPARring for Respect

Cont. from cover

ment of menschlichkeit like this one. They are role models for all.” “They’re really setting the bar high for our grade next year,” said Zach Buller ’18. “It’s hard to know how we can surpass them.” Many senior students find the experience of timeliness meaningful. “There’s something so great about getting up in the morning and getting to school right as the first bell rings,” says Yonatan Weitzner ’19, a senior at the forefront of the movement. Mr. Deutsch, seizing the opportunity for one of his Master of Books library posts, wrote, “Some days, being Master of Books is a Sysyphean task, one in which every advance is followed by a reverse--like getting one kid to take his cereal out of the library and then discovering other kids had set up an omelet bar in the social sciences section… So I’m opening it up to you: Do you feel like the senior SPAR and LTL movements are a microcosm for identity politics so heavily discussed in the larger political sphere today?” Several students disputed the matter in a chain of comments that followed, including a contentious debate between two of the editors that ended with a sharp severance of their friendship once in for all. Dr. Jucovy, of course, put his two cents in as well. “I simply cannot work with someone as aggressive and illogical as her,” said one anonymous editor. “We won’t be able to settle our differences.” “I’m not sure next year’s juniors will be able to beat this,” said Grade Dean Rabbi Sklarin. “My job this year could not have been easier. Teachers don’t complain to me about empty second-period senior classes anymore because they’re all present.”

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The Data behind the Schoology Lost and Found Rebecca Massel ’21

How often do Ramaz students open their phones and see a post reading “A pair of Airpods have been lost,” or “If you see a black Canada Goose jacket please let me know”, or “My white binder has gone missing”? The list of lost objects posted on Schoology is long and extensive, ranging from things as small as a bracelet and as large as a full backpack. After a year and a half of receiving these all-too-familiar posts, the Rampage staff decided to investigate further. How can 400 students lose 600 Airpods each week? According to Rabbi Dov Pianko, the Schoology “lost and found” initiative was started by the administration because of a popular Yale University study conducted in 2015. The lead researcher, Dr. Estevan Milowitz (who is of no relation to the Rampage’s faculty advisor), found that Yale medical students who excelled at finding missing items were 6.57% more likely to do well on their MCATs. The study showed a similar correlation between finding lost objects and law students, stating that those with an

...the Schoology “lost and found” initiative was started by the administration because of a popular Yale University study conducted in 2015.

affinity for finding household items easily did 8% better on their LSATs. Rabbi Slomnicki took the liberty to explain the administration’s reasoning behind the “lost and found” initiative in more detail. “We suspect that this Yale study is applicable to high school students as well. If there is the possibility that starting these lost and found posts will help students get better grades on the SATs, why not give it a shot?” Since the Ramaz trial only began last year, it is still too soon to tell whether or not Rabbi Slomnicki’s theory is correct. On Sunday, March 3, the Rampage published a poll on Schoology asking students what they thought about the “lost and found” posts on Schoology. Of the 350 students polled- setting a record for the least students to respond to a Rampage questionnaire- 90% responded that when a “lost and found” alert shows up on their phone, they take it very seriously. 70% of the 350 responded that they have even bought high-powered magnifying glasses to search for missing Airpods throughout the school. One sophomore said “When I get Amber alerts, I can’t do anything because I’m stuck in school. Now, though, I can help find the missing Airpods! It makes me feel great to know I am giving back.” Moreover, one junior noted, “My mother is a police officer, and she gets fulfillment from returning missing children to their parents. Like my mother, I also get fulfillment from returning things (Airpods, not children), and in Ramaz, there is no shortage of items that need to be rightfully returned to their owners! I am really changing the world.” Needless to say, only 1% of the participants found the posts annoying. (Those

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Ernesto’s Identity Uncovered Josephine Schizer ’20

Though Ramaz has many legendary figures, from Debevoise and Plimpton to the Lookstein Dynasty, one person looms particularly large in the school’s lore: Ernesto. Ernesto is a godsend for Ramaz students who don’t like writing history papers, since for the meager price of $500 dollars, he will complete your essay from start to finish. “Over the years, Ernesto has gotten a lot better at writing history papers,” said Dr. Jucovy, who as department head has the frustrating task of trying to sort out which papers were written by real students. “I think the structure of the Ramaz paper has really helped him!” For years, despite the history department’s best efforts to discover Ernesto’s identity, they were able to glean no information but his Colombian heritage. “I even led a sting operation to catch him in the act, but apparently I don’t look like a Ramaz student and he bolted before I could confront him,” said Mr. Deutsch. “My military training has failed me.” However, The Rampage can now exclusively reveal that his identity has come to light: for the last several years, Ernesto has been none other than Ramaz’s own Esti Beck ’19.

...Ernesto has been none other than Ramaz’s own Esti Beck ’19.

“As a senior, I felt it was finally time for the truth to come out. I wanted to see the look on everybody’s face when the realized that “he” was a “she.”” said Beck, who agreed to meet the Rampage correspondent in a dark alley on 2nd Ave. She was dressed in black and covered in camouflage face-paint, hiding in the shadows. “That’s why I’m never in school - it takes time to write 100 history papers a year,” she explained. At the sound of an approaching police siren, she yelled “Viva Colombia!” and sprinted into the distance. “I had no idea that in all my correspondences with Ernesto, I was really just talking to Esti!” said Natalie Kahn ‘19, who has used Ernesto for every history paper assignment since the beginning of high school. “This is bigger than Watergate!” students were suspended from Ramaz for “undisclosed” reasons on March 4). On Friday, March 8, Ms. Benel announced the creation of the new Lost and Found Club, which seeks to return as many black Moncler jackets, Louis Vuitton wallets, and iPhone Xs as possible. She stated that “It is so nice to see Ramaz students helping each other out” and that the goal was “d to get more people involved in doing good for one another” by starting this club. She added that each student who brings her a lost object receives a “a free t-shirt and a chesed hour!” Rabbi Slomnicki expressed his exuberance with the success of the new Lost and Found Club. “I am glad that students are learning about the imortant mitzvah of hashavah v’avedah, returning a lost object. We are not only helping students become doctors and lawyers, but also strengthening our mission of encouraging menschlichkeit at Ramaz!”

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Quiz: What grade are you in? 1. What are your feelings about high school? a. I think high school is a great place for a new start and I’m really determined to do well. It’s going to be so much fun! b. Not gonna lie, last year was harder than I expected, but I can still do well...right? c. There is nothing but pain and misery and endless SAT questions. The world is a void. I am the void. d. Whoever named it “high” school was a genius LOL. 2. What’s your favorite minyan? a. I have a choice of which minyan I can go to? b. Singing Minyan because I’ve got ruach...and at least we’re not in the Beit Knesset c. Women’s Tefillah. I’m a veteran of the Carry-the-Torah Wars, so it really resonates with me. d. I daven in my dreams as I sleep in. I’ll see you when I wake up at 11am. 3. Where’s your locker? a. Mine is right next to a whole bunch of seniors’...is it just me, or are they a bajillion feet tall? It’s so intimidating. b. On seven, because the universe hates me. By the time I make it all the way up, I’ve either been suffocated in the elevator, or am so out of breath by the climb that I have to collapse on the floor and take a nap. c. That area on three where we all gather in groups to stress out together about how stressed we are because school is stressful. d. It’s on 8. Or maybe not. It’s been so long since I went to get a textbook that I forgot. 4. How stressed are you about college? a. I mean they brought in someone to talk to us about the Bio SAT II, but it’s still pretty far away so I’m not that worried yet. b. I kinda feel like Yonah in that split second before the whale swallowed him, you know? Like I know that it’s coming, but I’m trying to hold on to my happiness for as long as possible. c. Say college near me and I instantly turn into the college version of Cookie Monster. Me want Ivy. d. Look, if I don’t get more than a few Ds, they won’t rescind my acceptance. At least, that’s what I hope. Right, Mr. Blumenthal? 5. What’s your hardest class? a. Math for sure. Am I the only one who thinks that Logic isn’t logical at all? b. It’s probably history. The paper just got ten times harder than last year’s. c. PHYSICS. DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED. I DON’T KNOW WHAT A VECTOR IS YET AND AT THIS POINT I’M TOO

Mostly As:

You’re a freshman. Enjoy the blessed innocence of optimism for as long as it lasts, and I’m going to stop giving advice there before I scare you.

Mostly Bs:

Hello, sophomore. You’re in the transition period of high school, which is by all means a difficult place to be, but hey-- at least you have a chem final to look forward to.

Features 5

Esti Beck ’19 SCARED TO ASK. d. Like I know the APs are coming, but for now I’m in denial. At the moment I’m mad because exactly one of my classes has a test and I think that’s really unfair. 6. What are you most looking forward to in high school? a. My first Lavi retreat b. Junior Retreat c. The light at the end of the tunnel d. Prom. Have I told you about my prom dress? Let me show you 1000 pictures of it from different angles. Isn’t it so cute? Have you found yours yet? 7. If you graphed your GPA so far, what shape would it be? a. There was a dip at the beginning, but it’s working its way up. I’d say it looks like the graph of x^2. b. It looks like Jeremy Beremy from the Good Place (Right now I’m in the dot of the “i”). If you don’t know what that is, I don’t want to talk to you. c. I’m panicking because it does not look like an upwards trend. It looks a bit like a sine curve, actually. d. It looks like the graph of 1/x^2, but I’m just proud of myself for knowing what that is at this point. 8. How often do you eat teacher muffins? a. What’s a teacher muffin? b. Too risky. Plus, they give donuts at my minyan, so what do I care? c. Whenever the seniors are doing it. d. Every day. I’m a pro at getting them. 9. How often are you late to school? a. Never. I’m always at minyan on time-- my grade is so small that somebody notices if you’re missing. b. Before big chem or history tests, but that’s it. c. Every time I need to take a mental health day, which gets more frequent as the year goes on. d. Is “every day” an answer? I’ve just stopped tapping in at this point. 10. What are your summer plans? a. It’s my last summer at the sleepaway camp I’ve gone to for the past five years. I refuse to grow up. b. I’m going to Israel so that I can boil in the sun with several thousand other Yeshiva Leaguers because apparently that’s a thing. c. I’m juggling three different internships, one volunteer job, and a prestigious writing program. Fight me. d. I’m going to teach myself philosophy.

Mostly Cs:

Since you’re a junior, I’m really proud to see that you even took the two minutes away from your SAT prep book to read the Rampage. But seriously, you should stop procrastinating.

Mostly Ds:

You’re definitely a senior. I’m amazed that you were in school long enough to pick up the paper. Or maybe we’ve started home delivery services?

Ramaz Updates Mission Statement Hadley Kauvar ’19

New:

A commitment to menschlichkeit, reflecting fineness of character, respect for others, integrity, and the centrality of chesed in all its manifestations.

A commitment to waking up every morning and hitting snooze at least eight times before having to run to school to get there on time

A commitment to Torah, mitzvot, Ahavat Yisrael, and love and support for the State of Israel. A commitment to the pursuit of knowledge, to intellectual rigor, and to scholarship, and a life-long love of learning.

A commitment to complaining to my teachers until I get the grade I want A commitment to the pursuit of random knowledge, memes and useless internet jokes A commitment to shouting and/or blasting music in the lounges when people are taking tests in the nearby classrooms

Loyalty and gratitude to the United States of America and the dem- A loyalty and gratitude to Supreme, Fjallraven Kanken, and whoever ocratic traditions and values of our country. mass produces black skirts A sense of responsibility for the Jewish people and all humankind.

A sense of responsibility towards my parents’ bank account, which I will drain at Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, and/or Butterfields

6 Features

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David Grinberg ’19, Self-Made Billionare, Victim of Reported Financial Leak

Harry Shams ’19

At Ramaz, students have historically aspired to become wealthy. There is a strong case to be made that the main reason Ramaz students are so motivated and studious is because they feel that academic success begets financial success. Indeed, how many of us have thought, “If I attend ‘X’ college, then I’ll get a job at ‘Y’ bank, and then I’ll make ‘Z’ billion dollars?” But in a school where academic success seems to be the strongest indicator of future financial success, one student is redefining our preconceived notions. There is no shortage of words to describe David Grinberg ’19. He is an investor. He is a philosopher. He is a poet. He is the godfather of this author’s future children. But perhaps most importantly, he is the epitome of success. Indeed, last week, the Rampage received a suspicious envelope containing information regarding Mr. Grindberg’s private bank account. The envelope revealed that Grinberg’s liquid holdings are in excess of one billion dollars, a shocking sum by any account. Mr. Grinberg has expressed his disappointment over the leaked record. “My success is a private matter, and I’ve never made it a goal to publicize my earnings.” Indeed, last week, the school opened an investigation into the leak. According to GO President Becky Tauber ’19, all

available evidence points towards Amit Daniell ’19. “We can’t know for sure why Amit would have felt compelled to divulge Grinberg’s private information,” said Tauber, “so as of now, we are still investigating alternative suspects.” Mr. Daniels vehemently denied the accusations made against him. “Why would I want to expose Grins?” said Daniels. “I have nothing but

good feelings towards the boy, and I think it’s very cute that he’s come into some pocket change in recent months. But as for leaking his private information, that’s complete hogwash. Hogwash, I say!” According to Richard Falliss, a senior associate at Member Bank, leaking private financial information is a near impossible task. “We have an impenetrable system: retrieving a client's private records is analogous to climbing Mount Everest in nothing but a

bunny onesie,” said Falliss. “The only person who can retrieve information regarding a specific account is the account holder himself.” Although Falliss is obviously interested in maintaining his bank’s respectable reputation, he nonetheless makes a valid point. Is it possible that Grindberg himself was the one responsible for leaking the account information? It seems unlikely, considering that Grinberg has never revealed how much money he makes via the stock market. President Tauber, lacking the necessary legal support to make a strong case against Amit and his team of prestigious lawyers (which includes Alan Dershowitz, Michael Cohen, and Barack Obama), officially concluded her investigation last Monday. “As of now, we are unable to move forward with this investigation in any capacity,” said Tauber, “but we will keep our eyes open for any new information.” Grinberg seemed content with the investigation’s closing. “Financial crimes are amongst the hardest to solve,” he said, “so I didn’t really expect Tauber to proceed with an indictment.” “But you know, some good can come of all this: now that my many Benjamins are public knowledge, everyone is suddenly rushing to sign up for my investment class. Who would’ve guessed?!”

Rampage and Yearbook Truce: Years-Long War Ended

Esti Beck ’19

It’s well known that the biggest rivalry in Ramaz exists between the Rampage and the Yearbook. For years, both publications have been competing for the highest readership, the best writers, and the most-awarded status. No student could be the editor of both the Rampage and the Yearbook, and this created a bitter rivalry between the two. “As long as I’ve been here, the two sides have been engaged in the Yeshiva League equivalent of war,” said Dr. Milowitz, the faculty advisor for the Rampage. “Of course I jumped into the action. I’d TP the SC office, but then they’d steal my video games- my precious games, for heaven’s sake- and I’d have to retaliate by hiring someone to hack into VHL learning.” (Many students were eager to help him with that one.) Often, the conflict between the editors of both publications would spill into the classrooms. Dr. Jucovy, resident historian on the Inter-Paper Wars, gleefully tells the story of those days. “I would be teaching a class and the editors would be glaring at each other from across the room, and constantly competing to get the most answers right,” he said with a gleam in his eye. “Honestly, I enjoyed pitting them against each other. However, recently, Ms. Abramson took over as faculty advisor of the Yearbook. Though the Rampage briefly considered using the Yearbook’s transition period between leaders as the opportunity for a coup, Ms. Abramson brought a new attitude into the mix. “I just want peace,” she said, meditating in the art room between classes. “I feel that both sides need to channel their inner art, and then they’ll realize that they’re not so different after all.” Heeding her advice, a peace conference was scheduled to moderate the conflicts for both sides. The 6th floor office’s new sitting area was agreed upon as a neutral space. (“So that’s what those couches are for!” said Ms. Chevi Friedman, who desk is right next to the inexplicable mini-lounge.) The Yearbook was represented by its 2019 editorial staff, Jonah Scherl and Paola Mattout ’19; the Rampage sent Esti Beck, Harry Shams, and Natalie Kahn ’19, the co-editors-in chief. When they arrived at the conference, each side taking an opposing couch, negotiations began immediately. Yearbook ceded the Rampage’s domination in grammar and sentence structure; in exchange, the Rampage gave them “humor, satire, and anything enjoyable to read,” with the exception of the yearly Purim Issue. Rampage

editors agreed not to write scathing editorials attacking the Yearbook, and in turn were granted much-coveted Yearbook Spotlight interviews. “I think having a Yearbook photoshoot will really be my time to shine,” said Harry Shams ’19. “Plus, agreeing not to write those editorials means less work for me, so it’s a win-win.” The most contested-over item on the agenda was which paper could be labeled the school’s most controversial. “Has anything ever had to be cut out of the Rampage?” Jonah asked, and it seemed like he had won the argument, but then Esti pointed out that the Rampage editors regularly had articles which did not even make it to print in the first place. “I feel like it’s my duty to defend the Rampage’s honor as the school paper which asks the most questions,” she said. “I mean, how many other publications do you know which asked “Which Ramaz Snack Food Are You?” These are the important things that Ramaz students need.” Finally, when the last point (who had custody over InDesign) had been settled, both sets of editors shook hands and went their separate ways. “Negotiations were tough, but I’m glad we worked it out,” said Natalie as she exited. “I mean, I do wish Esti had stopped glaring at them, but I think that’s her happy face so who’s to say?” Once news of the truce broke, soldiers on both sides of the war put down their arms and breathed sighs of relief. Paola and Jonah quickly canceled their mission to sneak into the office and steal the Rampages from the teachers’ boxes (which represent 90% of the Rampage’s readership). Hadley Kauvar, a correspondent for both Yearbook and the Rampage, was particularly relieved. “One night I’d be on a secret mission to graffiti the Yearbook’s photoshoot background screen, and the next I’d be sabotaging the Rampage by inserting typos into the final drafts of each article,” he said, taking off his camouflage bandanna and wiping away the sweat which had been beading on his forehead. “I was a double agent for both sides, and it got really confusing. I’m glad to hear that I no longer need to be the Merc with the Mouth.” So far, the truce has seemed to hold, though the whole school is waiting to see what will happen when this year’s Yearbook comes out. With any luck, the Mystery Lounge Peace Accords will be honored by both sides for years to come.

Yearbook ceded the Rampage’s domination in grammar and sentence structure; in exchange, The Rampage gave them “humor, satire, and anything enjoyable to read.”

Ramaz Upper School

The Rampage

The Rampage • Purim 2019

New York • Volume 52 • Issue VII • Purim 2019 • the-rampage.org

Editors-in-Chief: Natalie Kahn* Harry Shams* Esti Beck* Online Editors: Becky Tauber Suzi Dweck Faculty Advisor: Dr. Milowitz Contributing Writers: Zachary Buller Hadley Kauvar Jonah Scherl Gabrielle Ostad Josephine Schizer Caitlin Levin Rebecca Massel Sophia Kremer The Rampage is the student newspaper of the Ramaz Upper School. It is published on a monthly basis. Letters to the editor may be submitted to rampage@ramaz.org. Letters must be signed and may be edited for space and to conform to Rampage style and format. The opinions expressed in the Rampage are of the author’s alone, and do not represent the views or opinions of Ramaz, the Rampage, or its Editors.

Denotes member of the Rampage Editorial Board. *

Rabbi Stern Gets His Smartboard to Work Zachary Buller ’20

[Transcript of an eyewitness account:] It was 1:35 PM, and Rabbi Stern was waiting for his AP Calculus class to arrive. On that day, like most others, his SMARTboard began to give him trouble. Usually, he was usually able to fix the technology the old-fashioned way: giving it a few taps to show it who was boss. Unfortunately, the technique was not working this time, and he could not get the screen to switch on. His class finally entered the room, and Rabbi Stern, noting that they were some of the brightest STEM students in the school, asked for their aid with the infernal machine. Confident that they could help, each student tapped the board, pushed the buttons, and even tried rebooting the computer. Nothing worked. Soon, when it became clear that super-honors did not qualify them as IT specialists, Rabbi Stern asked a student to go get Mr. Cris Chuc from the library. As soon as Cris arrived, Rabbi Stern explained, “Cris, nothing is working! I must have hit the SMART board 10 times and there has been no response.” Cris thought it was a software issue, and began

looking online for the right upgrade. At that moment, Mr. Klotz walked past 603 and couldn’t help but notice a group of students staring attentively at the SMARTboard, a rare enough occurence that he peeked his head in to see what was going on. He chimed into the cacophony of suggestions, proposing to smack his meter stick against it in the belief that the SMART board worked like the desks in the Physics lab. When that didn’t work, it was time to call in the reinforcements. First came Mr. Vovsha, who suggested debugging the board, but as it turned out no hackers were interested in that day’s derivative packet. Mr. Deutsch suggested defenestrating the keyboard, which was about as good a plan as it had been in Prague. Then Rabbi Albo joined the team, pacing back and forth in deep thought about the true cause of the error. When Dr. Nironi came in to try to resolve the issue, all he said was, “It’s better that the students don’t have a SMART board. Now they can cube functions and solve trigonometry problems the old fashioned way- the way it was meant to be done.” As all of this was going on,

Rabbi Stern continued to tap on the board, never losing faith in his tried and true methodology. Hearing all of the commotion, Ms. Krupka’s four-year-old Etai, who had come to school that day, got up out of his carriage and walked over to room 603. There, he saw Rabbi Stern furiously tapping the SMART board, Cris maniacally typing away at his laptop, Mr. Klotz banging his meter stick on every available surface, Mr. Vovsha searching the SMART board for the right code, Mr. Deutsch trying to find another keyboard to throw out the window, Rabbi Albo on his 100th lap around the room, and Dr. Nironi whispering, “This is better that way!” Ignoring everyone, Etai found the plug that was laying on the floor next to the SMART board and plugged it in, thus bringing the SMART board to life. Everyone cheered, believing it was his own solution that did the trick. Rabbi Stern’s SMART board was finally fixed! Then, just as his students sat down to begin that day’s lesson, the bell rang.

Science Lab Makes A Major Mistake Recently in the the science department there has been reports of multiple mishaps during Laboratory Demonstrations. Lucky these malfunctions have not been dangerous or life threatening. Science teachers use these laboratory demonstrations to enhance the learning environment for students and create a more hands on and interesting experience. These “science fails” have certainly achieved that goal of capturing the students’ fascinations. The first disaster was reported on February 6, 2019, Dr. Rotenberg was demonstrating the different characteristics between elements. In showing student how density fluctuates he displayed a jar of mercury. He asked each student to lift this jar to feel how heavy it was. Unfortunately, the jar of mercury fell on the ground and shattered. “I had just finished applying vaseline to my dry winter hands,” confessed the anonymous culprit. The entire school had to be evacuated in fear of mercury poisoning. The students did not return to their classes until classroom 502 was cleaned thoroughly. Ms. Fung gave the “Okay” when she felt that the labs were safe again. Dr.

Rotenberg Expressed his remorse, “It is too bad that the jar broke because getting my hands on that jar took some serious black market web searching.” Optimist Chai Katz said “To look on the bright side, at least now my that sophomore chemistry class will have a hilarious high school memory!” Another lab incident was reported in Mr. Klotz’s physics class on February 22, 2019 when Mr. Klotz was demonstrating the reliability of centripetal forces. He filled a bucket with water and attached that bucket to a string. He began to swing that bucket around his head. The demonstration was meant to show the students that the water in the bucket would not spill out of to his head and rather remain in the bucket due to these natural forces. At that moment a scientific wonder occurred and the centripetal forces somehow failed to comply. The water did indeed spill out of the bucket. This “science fail” does actually draw in many scientific questions about the reliability of nature's laws. The final science fail that has been reported in the past month occurred in Rabbi Blaustein’s class.

Sophia Kremer ’20

He had been teaching his students about chemical reactions and decided to put one on display for his students. The lab comprised of a bottle and a gummy bear. The gummy bear was placed into the bottle and then lit on lit which was meant to make a small reaction but resulted in a large explosion. This explosion set off the fire alarms and the entire school was directed out of the building. Rabbi Blaustein said “It is a shame that I will not be able to do this experiment anymore because this was one that really go the student excited, especially since it was done with everyday materials.” Ms. Fung has been working tirelessly on developing safer labs, while simultaneously keeping them interesting.

Crossword Crossword Puzzle Crossword Puzzle Puzzle Harry Shams ’19

3 4 5

3 8

8 10 11

14 15

13 14 15

Down: 1. AP Murder 2. “It’s Rabbi ______, not Rabbi Gerber” 4. “Doctora ______, PhD” 7. Teacher on the losing side of the Revolutionary War 9. Muﬃn Policeman 10. Chesed Champion 14. Guitar-Strumming Sephardi Murder 16. "________ Ball(er)"

P t’s Rabbi ______, not Rabbi Gerber”

Across: 3. Expo Aﬁcionado 5. Ex-KGB Agent 6. Son of Sanobar 8. Master of Books 11. Rational Rabbi 12. “No, I haven’t graded the essays” 13. Paola’s Pumpkin Across: 15. Keeper of the Conference Room

3. 5.

Expo Aﬁcionado Ex-KGB Agent

8. 11. 12. 13. 15.

Master of Books Rational Rabbi “No, I haven’t graded the e Paola’s Pumpkin Keeper of the Conference R

Memes for Ramaz Students 6. Son of Sanobar

Doctora ______, PhD” eacher on the losing side of the evolutionary War uﬃn Policeman hesed Champion uitar-Strumming Sephardi ________ Ball(er)"

Avery Sholes ’20