The Rampage
The Newspaper of the Ramaz Upper School
New York • Volume 52 • Issue 7 • Purim 2019 • Shevat-Adar I 5779 • the-rampage.org
Faculty Show up to School for an Unplanned PJ Day
Harry Shams ’19
On Wednesday, March 6, students entered the building expecting the usual morning grind: some davening, followed by a few stolen muffins, then a few grueling hours of class. But as students poured into the building at 8 AM, their typical morning-drowsiness was quickly swept away by feelings of utter disbelief. Ominously similar murmurs echoed throughout the lobby. “Why is Dr. Jucovy in an oversized “I Love USSR” t-shirt?” “Is Dr. Milowitz wearing Philip Roth boxers?” “I’ve never seen Coach Dulny wear sweatpants to school– oh wait, never mind.” Indeed, almost every faculty member could be seen wearing pajamas: baggy t-shirts, loose boxers, warm sweatpants, and colorful onesies alike. It wasn’t long before the GO, angry and confused, realized what had transpired: the faculty body planned to wear pajamas to school… as a prank! “What shocked me most was that they didn’t consult with us first,” said GO President Becky Tauber ’19. “I mean, the faculty’s little ‘dress up game’ completely ruined the seriousness that Ramaz as a school strives to promote.” Tauber and her administration were so disturbed by the faculty’s disrespectful prank that they gave each teacher an ultimatum: change into normal clothes, or leave. Although most teachers agreed to change out of their pajamas, a courageous few were adamant about remaining cozy for the entire day. Rabbi Slomnicki, for instance, refused to change out of his bunny onesie, deciding instead that he would rather leave the building than degrade himself by wearing a suit and tie. Rabbi Slomnicki, who is currently on the run from Tauber’s Chief of Police, Daniel Levy ’19, remarked via a trusted messenger that “being on the run has been a big struggle but that it is a necessary price for a fluffy life.” Most students agreed with Tauber’s swift response to the faculty’s unfunny ploy, particularly those in the senior class. Senior class president Sophie Dahan ’19, who hasn’t exactly “gotten over” the whole debacle, Continued on page 3
Breaking! One Rampage Editor not Ivy Bound Esti Beck ’19
In a shocking turn of events, only two of this year’s Rampage editors will be matriculating to Ivy League institutions, the Rampage has recently learned. Reporters and readers alike find themselves utterly perplexed by this development, and it quickly became the talk in Ramaz’s journalistic circles. “It’s concerning because you don’t know what that means about the paper’s prestige, you know?” said Josephine Schizer ’20, a 2020 editorial staff hopeful, while hastily adding more safety schools to her college list. Others found themselves sympathizing with the third editor, with many sharing the trending hashtag #NoIvyNoProblem in support of her plight. “We’re going to sell Challah in her honor next week, and we’re working with Ms. Benel to put together a B4 assembly,” said Sophie Dahan ’19. “It was really just so moving to hear her story.” “We were as surprised as anyone to hear she wouldn’t be joining us at Harvard next year,” said an official statement from Natalie Kahn and Harry Shams ‘19,
Continued on page 3
Senior Grade Sets the Record for Perfect Attendance Natalie Kahn ’19
In previous years, the senior grade has reached a point when students just stop coming to school or caring. But this year’s senior grade has started a new movement, which they’ve called SPAR, “Senior Perfect Attendance Record,” in which the entire grade has been showing up on time to school, and a new trend called LTL, “Love to Learn,” in which students show up to every class and complete every single assignment. All over the school, the students have hung up posters with #SPAR and #LTL. Seniors have been walking around with boxing gloves to represent the SPAR movement. They call themselves SJWs, Senior Justice
Warriors, and they’ve even designed t-shirts, although Rabbi Sklarin has chided the boys for wearing t-shirts rather than button downs. No comment has been made by the faculty on about girls’ wearing words on their shirts, but the strictly enforced dress code will likely mean an intervention in the near future. School historian Dr. Jucovy has classified these two movements as counter-cultural, a response to the “senioritis” phenomenon. “Similar to the ‘Plugging In’ countercultural movement of the seventies, the seniors are responding to recent discrimination against seniors for the so-called senioritis. The unintended consequence of all this pushback
is that the seniors have gelled as a grade and worked together to erase this negative image and take pride in their senior identity.” Another reason not addressed by Dr. Jucovy is that many seniors found their college acceptance results impacted by the harsh consequences of social probation. “I had to give up mock trial and basketball completely and lose my captainships in both,” said Elizabeth Aufzien ’19, who has now as a result of SPAR strengthened her hold on the Tefilah Prize awarded at the senior dinner. Rabbi Slomnicki, Dean of Students, said, “No grade has as of yet quite exemplified our mission stateContinued on page 3
Inside this Issue… New Arrival: the iFlush 3000 . . . New toilets come to Ramaz in bathroom renovations What Grade Are You in? . . . Take the quiz to find out! Ramaz Senior Makes it Big. . . Spotlight on David Grinberg ’19, a master financier
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Purim Crossword and Memes . . .
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Can you find out which students and faculty make an appearance?
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