The Perennial | Satirical Issue | April 2020

TAKING IT TO THE STREETS

Discover math teacher Amarnath Santhanam’s secrets to his expertise in street fighting p. 7

HIS JOURNEY TO STARDOM

Read about physics teacher Yong-Chan Kim’s experiences as a member of the popular K-pop group BTS p. 4

EXPLORING NEW BELIEF SYSTEMS Learn about the belief system of Pastafarianism, the revolutionary new religious cult sweeping the nation p. 3

Making His Mark: Haggai Mark Seeks to Incorporate Buddhist Ideals into Computer Science Classes

By OSCAR THE GROUCH Staff Trash Lover On Monday, many teachers came in with the expectation of an interesting week ahead of them due to the recent school closure. What the school administration was not expecting was the surprising announcement from high school computer science teacher Haggai Mark.

Starting the week after spring break, he stated, all of his CS courses will see a major change in their curriculum.

“For all my life I have been working with technology, but something has changed for me these past couple of months. I’ve decided to convert to Buddhism in order to live a less material and more spiritualistic and fulfilling life,” Mark said.

Originally, Mark wanted to expel all modern-day technology in his classes, instead focusing on meditation and prayers that could help his students build a more mindful and meaningful life. Mark was also purportedly considering trips to temples and other spiritualistic environments.

“I wanted students to experience meditation and the benefits of looking inwards, but I feared that too much outside elements would permanently hinder their growth. I knew that if our students could go to more reserved spaces, that their growth could continue unharmed,”

PHOTO TAKEN BY AHNIKA MANGO

LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD Mark attempts to destroy a technological item, the first step on his journey to leave behind most of his material possessions for a more spiritual lifestyle.

Mark said.

After heated debates this past week between Mark and faculty administra-

tors, the two sides came to a resolution.

Future classes taught by Mark will contain “more mindful practices,” but will

still involve modern-day technology, per an announcement from Mr. Lemmon.

Specifically, the major addition to all of his classes will be a meditation at the beginning and end of the class. The idea behind this, says Mark, is to allow students time to get centered before class, and to allow students to reflect and set goals for themselves on where they can improve after class.

“The focus of my new classes is to build more mindful students. I want intelligent and compassionate people making the technology of the future,” Mark said.

Mark’s classes will also involve looking back on technology — specifically mathematical technology as it applies best to modern day technology — over time to reflect on how ideas about technology and its uses have evolved over time. Modern day technology is still very much the focus of Mark’s classes, but he hopes that by diversifying his classes, they will have a larger impact on his students.

“I want the best for my students, and so I feel that it is my responsibility to set up an environment that will give them the best chance to succeed. I know that some may feel differently, but I truly believe that a more mindful environment established through Buddhism will help my students thrive and become better people,” Mark said.

Pinewood Staff and Perennial Editors You Didn’t Know Were Related

Quentin Tarantino to Film Final Movie at Pinewood

By SANIA CLOUDHARY Staff Meteorologist

By RIVA REUBEN SANDWICH Staff Russian Dressing Expert

Sophomore Prithi Srinivasan claims to be asked the same question repeatedly by students and teachers across Pinewood Upper Campus: “Are you related to Srinivas?” She can often be caught giving the answer “no” to the seemingly obvious question. But let’s be honest, who is going to believe that?

“They do not always tend to get along...” AP statistics teacher, and father of Srinivasan and senior Srinivas Balagopal, Amarnath Santhanam said. “They even try to deny the fact that they are siblings at all.”

Despite their frequent but short-lived arguments, Santhanam, Balagopal, and Srinivasan enjoy many activities together at home. In their free time, they like competing for who can solve to the furthest digit for the value of pi in the shortest amount of time. However, these heated competitions are what usually lead to

their disputes.

“What can I say, my brother is just salty,” Srinivasan said.

However, Balagopal has a different perspective than his sister.

“I have tried to explain to her time and time again that 3.14 are not all the digits in pi,” Balagopal said.

In spite of all their petty arguments, Santhanam is proud of his children for showing such an interest in mathematics, and he hopes they will carry on the family tradition.

Contrary to common belief, senior Reilly Brady and senior Carter Brady are not twins. In fact, they are not related at all.

“Just because we were born on the same date just a few minutes apart, and because we have the same last name, does not make us twins,” senior Reilly Brady said.

“RELATED” continued on p. 8

Violence, intrigue, detail, philosophy.

These aspects, along with many others, come together to form the films of Quentin Tarantino. With his incredible legacy of phenomenal movies, Taranti-

GRAPHIC BY RYE BREAD

SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST Tarantino hopes to wow audiences with his last movie and biggest project yet, filmed on our very own Pinewood campus.

no comes to Pinewood to cast his final release.

Tarantino, a man of great intrigue, shocks with every new movie he puts out. Despite the multitude of ideas that occupy Tarantino’s mind, he pledged many years ago that he will only release 10 films. He puts in endless amounts of work on each cinematic masterpiece, but strongly believes that the right time to end is after 10 movies. From “Django Unchained” to “Pulp Fiction,” every detail leaves a legacy. Though he recently premiered “Once Upon A Time in Hollywood,” Tarantino, at 56 years old, believes it is time to announce the development of his final work, “Rellefe’s Rock.”

Though Tarantino has released very little information on this work, a brief summary is available. “Rellefe’s Rock” is about a young boy, Rellefe, who lives as a squatter under the penthouse suite of a Wall Street stockbroker.

“TARANTINO” continued on p. 5

PROPOGANDA

THE ANNUAL April 2020

“ Silly rabbit! “

Trix are for KIDS!

CEREAL FOR E V E RYO N E?

BY W O N ’ T M C D O W E L L

STA F F W R I T E R

Since 1959, the Trix cereal brand has been spewing ageist and speciest remarks. “Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids.” This is meant to be taken as a joke to young viewers, but it comes at the expense of a harmless rabbit whose only desire is some cereal.

By saying that Trix are only for children, they imply that kids are better than the older generations. This is not a laughing matter, and it has been ignored for more than 60 years.

In 1968, 1976, and 1980, the Trix brand finally got the message. They held mailin votes titled “Let The Rabbit Eat Trix,” where the results were overwhelmingly yes. Trix then followed with a commercial where the rabbit was finally allowed to have his cereal. However, since then, Trix has gone back to its old ways of punishing this poor rabbit by depriving him of his craving.

Recently, this has started a massive rift between generations. Since children have

America’s Secret Drug Dealers

BY F LO - B I WA N K E N O B I

STA F F W R I T E R

In recent years, one of the hottest political issues has been drug legalization. The battle rages on, with different states passing different laws and regulations. Our very own state, California, has some of the most lax drug restrictions being one of the first states to legalize marijuana. But hiding behind this debate, a far more heinous drug has been allowed to thrive: a highly addictive substance packaged in brightly-colored boxes, distributed by a hierarchy of loyal dealers with with no knowledge of the real potency of their product. And worst of all, the public is completely oblivious to its perils: it is even allowed to be circulated at Pinewood. You may know this dangerous narcotic by another name: Girl Scout Cookies.

Every person who has ever lived in the United States knows a victim of Girl Scout Cookies. Yet, Pinewood still allows the Girl Scouts of America to freely operate on their campuses.

Pinewood must treat Girl Scout Cookies as the narcotics they are and ban all possession and distribution of the product on school grounds.

Merriam Webster defines drugs as “substance[s] that cause addiction, habituation, or a marked change in consciousness.”

At first, it might seem difficult to fit Girl Scout Cookies into this definition, but upon further inspection, the evidence begins to fall into place.

The first and arguably most important criterion to be met is whether the substance is addictive or not. No one can deny that this perfectly applies to Girl Scout Cookies. Everyone who has ever had a Girl Scout cookie can assure you that “you can never have just one.” Yet, Girl Scout Cookies’ tendency to be addictive has flown under the radar for years.

Habituation is the ability to become habituated to a substance, or to become accustomed to its effects. Once again,

THE

FORBIDDEN FOOD

BY POPE HWANG

STA F F W R I T E R

G R A P H I C BY C H E W B AC A

been brainwashed for decades into believing in the normalcy of these statements, the “OK Boomer” movement started. This was then countered with the “OK Zoomer” movement, with the older generation ripping on –– as always –– the high use of technology of teens and millenials.

Both of these phrases are used as weapons in a greater war of generations, caused indirectly by the Trix cereal company through their “Trix are for kids!” catchphrase. In addition, this advertisement teaches kids that discrimination against rabbits is acceptable. Although the rabbit is obviously intelligent, the children think they are somehow above him because he is goofy and not humanoid.

Therefore, while kids are allowed to eat the delicious sugar-coated cereal, he is stuck with no sugary snacks to fuel his diet? I don’t think so.

This manipulation has gone on long enough, corrupting the minds of children, and it will continue to do so unless we unite against Trix. Boycott Trix, save the rabbit from his cruel treatment, and stop the war between the generations. Trix are not just for kids; it should be socially acceptable for anybody — rabbits, boomers, or anyone else — to wake up and eat away their problems with a delicious bowl of sugary goodness.

Since the Perennial has been founded, we have been always asked what Jigglypuff, a fan-favorite Pokemon, would taste like if consumed. Some say that it would taste like a soft soufflé that was filled with cotton-candy pudding on the inside. Others say it tastes chewy, comparable to strawberrymochi ice cream that gets sweeter every bite. Even so, a lot of pessimists venture that Jigglypuff is hollow and that a bite would only reveal depressing loneliness inside.

Today, the Perennial i s here to finally put a stop to the decade-old question: W h a t d o e s

Jig glypuff taste like?

You walk out of the hard brambles and bushes; a dirt path is now beaten out for you.

I L LU S T R AT I O N BY C H O O I Your path is deep in the forest, miles away from any living being or any sign off civilization. But the path is encased by dreamy trees and shrubbery so beautiful that it looks like a painting. It’s so easy to be at peace.

When you look at the long road ahead of you, a break in the treetops lets a tiny shimmer of sunlight shine onto your path.

with a little bit of thinking, its connection to the cookies becomes incredibly clear.

At first taste, Girl Scout Cookies seem sickeningly sweet. However, once the consumer continues to eat the cookies, they soon become oblivious to its negative ef- I L L U S T R A T I O N B Y fects, and continue A I D I N G P R I VA T E W A L S E Y to consume without inhibitions.

Finally, drugs cause a “marked change in consciousness,” or an alteration in one’s state of awareness. Girl Scout Cookies are capable of inducing a brief but powerful period of intense hyperactivity. This dangerous high impares the judgement of adults, but particularly affects children’s developing brains.

Soon after, the user comes crashing down and falls into a heavy sleep, deemed a “sugar coma.”

Upon learning of the perils of eating their cookies, the stellar reputation of the Girl Scouts of America falls apart. Pinewood can no longer allow this narcotic to be distributed and marketed on its premises or by its students. The longer the Girl Scouts are allowed to operate within Pinewood, the more dangerous it becomes for each one of its students.

Magically, like a spotlight, it focuses onto a small Jigglypuff that is crossing the beaten road. The creature stops at your feet and holds out a lollipop in his hands. He wants you to have it. How could you resist?

Another Jigglypuff walks up to you, and he made you a sandwich! It’s stuffed with your favorite ingredients: tomatoes, cucumbers, and blue cheese. It must have taken hours to make. As you bite into his treat, you can’t help but wonder how he knew you loved cucumbers and tomatoes in your food. With each bite, the bond between you and him is strengthened. When the sandwich is finished, he jumps into your arms, and you can’t help but hold him tight. While he looks up with peaceful eyes, his heart beats softly next to yours. You can feel the song of his heart get slower and quieter as he rests into your embrace.

Zzzz…

Crack!

“

HE DOESN’T K N O W W H AT YO U ’ R E A B O U T TO D O TO H I M .

HE JUST DOESN’T U N D E R S TA N D .

“

2

He has conquered your innocence. The bond is shattered!

Of course, you are helpless against him. But he wants something done.

“Eat the other!”, he cries out to you! But there’s no point in resisting him. You look into the Jigglypuff ’s eyes for the last time, before tasting the first bite. He doesn’t know what you’re about to do to him. He just doesn’t understand.

From the very start, he tastes like a lucid dream. It’s a fruit punch of every kind of flavor you’ve ever known, from cucumbers and tomatoes all the way to cotton candy soufflé.

It tastes like success, like love, like purpose. All the things you wanted in your life were contained inside this little Jigglypuff.

It doesn’t only taste, but it feels. There is the feeling of sweet happiness down to bitter sorrow. The feeling of his innocence and his bond resonates within your heart. Finally, as the last aftertaste, you can see the memories of your life as you swallow the dessert.

You’re all set for the path in front of you.

THE ANNUAL April 2020

COPY EDITORIAL

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NEW DECADE, NEW ME: TRY THIS CONTEMPORARY ALL-HUMAN DIET NUTRITION EXPERTS ACROSS AMERICA RECOMMEND THE CUTTING-EDGE CANNIBALISTIC DIET AS A MODERN SOLUTION TO A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE

By PRITHEE SRINIVASAN Staff Old English Expert Since the beginning of the 21st century, diets have been the latest and greatest craze. Everyone wants to cut out meat, cut out dairy, cut out gluten — all for some dubious health benefit or environmental cause. Among these resolutely “green” diets, a new one has begun to emerge: cannibalism.

The word may seem off-putting at first to many. I know it did to me, until I read the many studies written by Dr. Hannibal Thecannibal. According to Thecannibal,

tic diet, every restaurant will meet their needs. If there are no meals for them on the actual menu, they can bring the waiter home as take-out. Ordering from food delivery apps not only provides people with satisfying meals but also with the cars they drove in.

The cannibalistic diet can also serve as a mitigator to the growing climate crisis.

The human race produces roughly 40 billion metric tons of carbon dioxide to the atmosphere, making humans the largest contributor to the global warming crisis.

It seems a much more efficient strategy in combating climate change to root it out at its source, according to climate activist

What if the human population itself could serve as the food supply? The implications are profound. cannibalism is not only a nutritionally superior diet but also a solution to the lack of adequate food supplies as the population continues to rise. What if the human population itself could serve as the food supply? The implications are profound.

No more will there be millions of hungry people lining the streets — only thousands of satisfied consumers.

Many of the new diets that have emerged, despite their apparent health benefits, lack the appropriate vitamins or minerals to sustain the human body’s dietary needs. A cannibalistic diet, on the other hand, provides water, fats, protein, minerals, and carbohydrates, six of the seven elements of a balanced diet. The only component missing is fiber, but that issue can easily be solved—with laxatives.

People often find it difficult to find restaurants that accommodate their dietary restrictions, but with a cannibalis-

Hansel Andgretel.

Another benefit provided by the cannibalistic diet is the ease in production of food supplies. Unlike livestock and massfarmed crops, which require intensive labor and care, humans are entirely self-producing and self-sustaining, enabling more resources and labor to be dedicated to other spheres.

Despite this wisdom provided by Thecannibal about all the benefits of this revolutionary diet, his experiments with cannibalism have landed him in a smidge of trouble with state and federal authorities.

To avoid Thecannibal’s fate, the cannibalistic diet should be practiced in a more low-key manner — never to be spoken about in front of potential meals. Ethics and legality aside, this near-perfect diet solves several problems of the modern era, and in times like these, we need all the help we can get.

Pastafarianism: A New Identity for Intelligent Design

By SEAN DANCING QUEEN Staff ABBA Enthusiast For centuries, intelligent design, the idea that an otherworldly being created the universe, had been the most widely-accepted explanation for the development of life on Earth. Previously, intelligent design had been widely taught in schools with every kid told, and rightfully so, that God had created the world in 7 days. But in December 2005, a heretical judge, John E. Jones III, ruled that a Pennsylvania school district could not teach this form of intelligent design. This blasphemous ruling set a nationwide precedent which prompted many other schools to abandon this account of history. A few noble martyrs valiantly challenged this decision, but soon, the sacrilegious practice of teaching Darwin’s egregious theory of evolution in schools became almost unanimous. An era of darkness and regression descended onto the world.

The esteemed publishers of the nowbanned intelligent design curriculum, Dr. Marcello Macaroni and Dr. Ragu Rigatoni, had engaged in many years of intense theological debate to produce undeniable evidence that God created the earth. Finally, they found their answer: nobody could prove them wrong, so they must be right.

But one night, in the dark ages after Judge Jones’ sinful verdict, everything changed.

They were drowning their sorrows with a spaghetti dinner when they were stunned by a blinding flash of light accompanied by several claps of thunder. The Flying Spaghetti Monster descended out of the Elysian Fields, touched them with His Noodly Appendage, then quickly dissipated into thin air. On a whim, they decided that their entire previous version of creationism had been fundamentally flawed, so they set out to develop a new one. Thanks to

PHOTO TAKEN BY CHEF CHUIS

PASTAFARIAN WORSHIP Loyal Pastafarians bow to worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

its flexibility based on the lack of opposing evidence, intelligent design was easily reimagined based on this otherworldly encounter. They dubbed their new religion Pastafarianism, centered around the Flying Spaghetti Monster and His creation of the world after a spell of heavy drinking. As upstanding theologists, they once again set about finding undeniable evidence that the Flying Spaghetti Monster had constructed the earth. And once again, they based their conclusions upon the fact that nobody could prove them otherwise. That, and Pastafarianism seemed a lot cooler than the alternatives.

It is this revamped creation story that must serve as the vessel to reinstitute the practice of teaching intelligent design in our schools. The theory of evolution is just that — a theory. Scientists have analyzed DNA and produced plausible evidence to challenge Darwin, but nobody can provide empirical evidence that disproves the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

If we are truly committed to providing the best education in schools across America, we must teach the one theory of the creation of the earth that has no evidence against it: Pastafarian intelligent design.

Thanks to the admirable work of Dr. Macaroni and Dr. Rigatoni, intelligent design has been given a path through these dark times. The traditional Catholic creation story, while a crucial starting point in intelligent design’s journey, has been masterfully reimagined into a palpable vehicle able to be consumed by the masses. It is imperative that this new account of history makes its way into schools throughout all countries. May the world be touched by His Noodly Appendages. R’amen.

A MESSAGE FROM SID SAMEL, WHO DEFINITELY IS NOT A CULT LEADER

By SID “THE RAT” SAMEL Staff Rat High school can be a difficult, stressful time for everyone. Freshmen have to deal with a new environment; juniors have to prepare themselves for college applications and standardized testing; seniors have to come to terms with leaving high school; sophomores probably have something going on as well. In confusing times like these, it is not uncommon to want to

look for new forms of guidance and leadership, beyond teachers and parents.

Well, ask and you shall receive. Teachers, parents, all those people, none of them have your best interests at heart. But I do.

Join my flock, and never again will you know hunger, or fear, or sadness. On my isolated commune, deep within the wilderness of the Sierra Nevada, you will be free to achieve true happiness.

Obviously, there are a few minor caveats to get out of the way. First of all, there

will be no contact with the outside world once you join the Children of the Rat. Social media is the root of all suffering in the digital age. You have to learn how to live without things like Snapchat, Instagram, the news, texting your friends and family, et cetera. Your mind has to stay sharp and focused to truly understand the teachings on offer. These distractions will only serve to hold you back.

Obviously, those who join me will have to learn how to let go of their material

possessions. To this end, anyone who joins me will have all their funds transferred to me for safekeeping. You simply have to trust that I know better than you when it comes to your finances and general wellbeing.

In the end, however, I trust that you’ll find the experience well worth the cost.

It’s important to be open to new experiences, no matter how seemingly daunting they may be. And remember, it’s not a cult, it’s a home.

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OVERTURES AND UNDERTURES

THE ANNUAL April 2020

Kim-Pop: The New BTS

By SAMANTHA “SUNG” Staff’s Die-Hard BTS Fan

By RIHANNA DUGGAL Staff Incognito Singer and Member of the Cult

GRAPHIC BY CHEWBACCA

PROJECTILE LAUNCHED INTO STARDOM Kim poses with the rest of BTS, glowing with sheer enthusiasm.

Everyone knows or has at least heard of Yong-Chan Kim – a beloved physics teacher at Pinewood School. However, what most people don’t about him is that he is a forthcoming member of the world-renowned Korean Pop band, BTS. Currently, there are seven members, but the addition of Kim will make it eight.

Kim is more excited than he usually is in physics class about this opportunity.

“It’s time to finally show off my wondrous dance and singing skills! I’m going to wow the world,” Kim rejoiced.

In addition, Kim has already met all the BTS members. This past week, he has spent time with them at rehearsals. One of the members he is particularly close with is rapper Kim Nam-joon, also known as RM. “We’re friends now, yeah. That’s why I’ve been telling him that his singing and dancing is great, cause I don’t want to hurt his feelings, yeah. But to be honest, it’s absolutely terrible, yeah. Just don’t tell him I said that, yeah,” RM said.

Pinewood freshman Audrey Lo was able to provide her input.

“When he sings, he sounds like a flamingo and an even more nasally version of Britney Spears combined. I really don’t vibe with his voice,” Lo said. “I mean, I love the current BTS and their music, but after hearing this disheartening news, I’m never listening to their music … ever again.”

In contrast with Lo’s opinions, BigHit Entertainment, the entertainment company that hired Kim, loves everything about him.

“We love his mellifluous voice and his ethereal dancing. And he even has funny jokes.

Come on, what can beat that?” a BigHit Entertainment manager said.

Unfortunately, Kim will be leaving Pinewood to pursue his new career. Being a K-pop singer is a full-time job, and Kim would not have time to teach.

“This was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. I love teaching so much, but who wouldn’t want to be a K-pop star? Sayonara, Pinewood,” Kim said.

BTS plans to tour starting in May of 2020. While some may hope that Kim does not join along and ruin their vocals, the Pinewood community will indefinitely cheer for him.

Traveling Down the Stress Gradient

By KARINA ABSORBS-SOME Staff Part-time Sponge Last semester, when high school science teacher Kimberly Hudson walked into her biology class minutes before finals, she got quite a surprise. Hudson had been prepared to see students anxiously cramming for her final, but she had not expected to see everyone in the class face laying on the floor with textbooks or notebooks on their faces.

“The students quickly explained they were doing some last minute studying, not sleeping,” Hudson said.

The students in Hudson’s class had discovered a new way to study –– absorbing the material through a process similar to osmosis.

Osmosis is a process of absorption or diffusion, which is typically taught using plants as examples, not humans.

When an osmosis-like process occurs in student’s brain while they are studying for the biology exam, knowledge from the textbook or notes, which is placed on the student’s face, travels to the brain. This process helps each student study.

“After learning about osmosis in class, my students utilized the idea, and applied it to studying for their exam,” Hudson said.

In addition to being an easy study method, textbook osmosis is also effective. While the students in Hudson’s biology class only discovered this interesting study method moments before the test; just five minutes of osmosis studying improved the overall grade

“Speak your mind with art”: Decades-old Cult Revealed

of the class.

“Compared to previous years, this biology class’ overall grade for this final improved almost 20 percent. The grade improved due to the osmosis studying technique,” Hudson said.

Despite the numerous benefits, the downfall of this study technique are the papercuts and the weight of the textbooks crushing student’s faces. After the test, Hudson noticed many of her student’s faces were bleeding badly due to the numerous paper cuts from the pages of the textbooks or notes. Additionally, Hudson heard a couple of biology students complaining about bruises or soreness caused by the weight of the textbooks.

Hudson plans to recommend sleeping near a textbook or laying with a textbook on your face to future science classes. While there are a couple of problems regarding this technique, Hudson has ideas to remedy paper cuts or bruises.

“For the semester two final, I would like to see if knowledge osmosis would work with online textbooks, so students don’t get paper cuts or bruises. I can’t wait to improve this study method until all of the Pinewood students are able to comfortably use it,” Hudson said.

“Osmosis studying is the future. Soon students all over America will be sleeping with textbooks, paper or digital, on their heads,” Hudson concluded.

Conspiracy theories are everywhere in the world. Some are more plausible than others. According to multiple sources, a real cult has been formed by none other than some art students at Pinewood.

While this may seem preposterous, art teacher Caitlin Miller has confirmed this theory as real news. How does she know?

The original member of the club is none other than Miller herself.

“The art trip to the beach was just a cover up story. It was actually an initiation of sorts for some artist students,” Miller said.

According to Miller, the cult itself was created with the intention of turning normal high school students into art prodigies. Initiation was simple: recreate any painting using only sand and stones. For some this task may seem daunting and impossible, but for freshman Ella Aspinall it was no problem at all.

“When it was my turn to recreate a painting, I wasn’t worried. I used to study classic artists’ works for my art classes so I jumped right into it. Despite getting quite sandy, I enjoyed it. The best part was when I was told I could be part of an art cult.,” Aspinall said.

While some people are lucky enough to get into this elusive group, others may not be so fortunate. However, to prevent jealousy and resentment, those who don’t get in aren’t spared the truth. Lulu Diffenbaugh, a sophomore who was accepted into the group, helps run initiation and ex-

plained how it works.

“Initiation always takes place in a different location. Those invited are people who either find out a little too much or seem like great candidates. However, the students aren’t told about the cult unless they get in. If they don’t complete a recognizable artwork in a given amount of time with limited resources, they aren’t told about the group at all,” Diffenbaugh said.

While initiation is tedious, so is attending the meetings without raising suspicion. Senior Cecily Eivers used to have an easier time, but now it has become a bit harder.

“We originally met in the gym at six o’clock on Thursdays, but basketball games started to interfere with our schedule. Then we started meeting on top of the Murphy Patio at 12 on days where a full moon was present,” Eivers said.

From raising suspicions to initiation, it may seem complicated, but for the inductees, it has become second nature. So now that everyone knows about this clan, what’s next for this illusory group?

“I suppose our group may disband after this, but I am happy that this clique served its purpose. It brought people together and taught them that while friends may not always listen, you always can speak your mind with art. A picture is worth a thousand words,” Miller said.

Back to the Basics

is no different.

“I couldn’t fulfill my PE credits all through elementary school. I just couldn’t breathe through my teeth until this year, so all I Despite the current stresses of college ap- could do was kick a soccer ball off to the plications and acceptances, Pinewood’s se- side,” Katniss said. niors are eagerly awaiting their graduation Katniss is looking forward to Lego time as –– well, at least some of them. This year, the well, but not for tank building. senior class has “I really like Minecraft, some special casand Legos are like real-life es; some seniors Minecraft,” Katniss said. will not be graduBalkanski plans to ating in the spring. build a house for his first Instead, they will lego project to match his be reentering block palace. kindergarten in “I’m glad Mosh and Katthe fall. niss can come with me. We Among those really like having playdates, failing to graduso kindergarten together is ate is senior Nagoing to be like playdates thaniel “Bambo” everyday,” Bambo said.

Georganiel, who Together, they enjoy wresPHOTO COURTESY OF SMUGMUG was unable to fulfill his kindertling, playing Minecraft, and NEW BEGINNINGS Bambo garten credits due to his refusal to racing their tricycles around is thrilled to return to learn the alphabet. the Pinewood parking lot. kindergarten.

“I don’t get why the alphabet is However, everything has important,” Bambo said. “I personally pre- its ups and downs, and kindergarten is no fer memorizing classical poetry.” different. Bambo has his own concern for Bambo enjoys reciting his favorite poem, going back to Lower Campus.

“The Romance” by Shel Silverstein, any“I like the uniforms, but I’m worwhere from theater class to basketball games. ried about the polos. I hope they button Bambo isn’t going alone; accompa- down far enough to get my ears through,” nying him are his lunch-time-wres- Bambo said. tling friends, seniors Aaron “Mosh” Bambo has struggled with his ears in the Movshovich and Cadmus “Katniss” past, but his poetry helps him cope.

Balkanski.

“The main characters from my favorMosh was planning to attend MIT to ma- ite poem have helped me through. I espejor in engineering before the administration cially relate to the elephant, and if I like told him he did not pass his kindergarten those characters, I can like my ears, too,” math class.

Bambo said.

“I never learned how to count to ten. I just These three seniors have literally left their want to build tanks,” Mosh said. “I’ve been mark on Pinewood. Tire marks from tricycle reading about them in textbooks for fun.” races can still be seen in the parking lot. The When he gets to kindergarten, he plans three friends plan to keep riding their tricyto learn his numbers really fast so he can cles to school when attending kindergarten have time to build some Lego tanks that go but have been warned by the administration “vroom,” Mosh noted. that no more racing will be tolerated.

Katniss’s reason for kindergarten recycling

By MIC“KEY MOUSE” RS As seen in the Clubhouse

THE ANNUAL April 2020

UNCULTURED “TARANTINO,” continued from P. 1

By RIVA REUBEN SANDWICH Staff Russian Dressing Expert

Rellefe reshapes his life using the information he overhears from his upstairs neighbor, but, as is expected with Tarantino’s cinematic character, one shall see if this reshaping will be for the better or for the worse. Many speculate that “Rellefe’s Rock” will be filmed in a similar fashion to “Pulp Fiction,” with many intertwining storylines and perspectives, as well as an abundance of detail and absurd violence.

But the biggest question raised about this film is: who is in it? It is rumoured that Uma Thurman will be joining as well as Samuel L. Jackson, and two incredibly talented Pinewood seniors.

Senior Miles Redman, cast as the unnamed Wall Street stockbroker, comes to find his first success in cinema through Tarantino himself.

“I was really excited to play someone who, on the outside, appears to

be living the American dream and is a champion of industry, but, on the inside, struggles with the ethical consequences of his actions,” Redman said.

Senior Aaron Movshovich brings his lively character to the screen through his portrayal of Rellefe. In his formal interview with the BBC, he was adamant on keeping the plot and the details of his character a secret.

“I am honored to be able to work with a genius of Tarantino’s caliber and cinematic pioneers Thurman, Jackson, and many others,” Movshovich said.

Personally speaking, I am ecstatic to see what Tarantino will create and how Redman and Movshovich will capture this new stride in cinema.

“Rellefe’s Rock” can be rearranged to spell “Rockefeller’s,” possibly offering insight into the movie’s meaning, one of which could be commentating on the cruelties of Wall Street and industry as a whole. “Rellefe’s Rock” will premiere in the Cannes Film Festival in May 2024.

Here’s What Teachers’ Meetings Are Really Like...

By SOPHIA PF CHANG’S Staff Restaurant Pinewood has a lot of well-kept secrets, and one of its most legendary ones is perhaps the easiest to overlook: teachers’ meetings. When all those teachers file into a small, crowded classroom, what really happens? What goes on behind those drawn curtains and closed doors? Here’s what I found out: That is actually not the way things work.

KATIE LINZA (THEATER)

“Teachers’ meetings are our relaxation periods, where we catch up and hang out.

We never do anything remotely related to teaching during the meetings, ironically.

It just stresses everyone out, and no one gets any work done that way. We keep it a secret because students and parents would say that we’re not doing our jobs properly if we told them the truth.”

YONG-CHAN KIM (PHYSICS)

“Teachers’ meetings are my favorite time to chill with my teacher friends! We all usually stick with the people in our respective departments. One of my favorite games to play with the science department is

Concentration, which is a hand-clapping game. We like to make it a little more fun by challenging ourselves to recite the periodic table of elements in order each time it’s our turn. In case anyone was wondering, I’m the current reigning champion.”

SABRINA STRAND (LITERATURE)

“I love teachers’ meetings because they give me a chance to hone my wordsmith skills in a fun way with my friends. The language arts teachers always have Scrabble tournaments, and I’ve gotten so much practice at meetings that my diction in my writing has actually improved significantly.”

RACHEL PHILLIPS (ALGEBRA, CALCULUS)

“Ms. Walters has a ping-pong table at her house, and we snuck it in once without anyone noticing. We made up a game where you had to recite a digit of pi each time you hit the ball. We’ve actually been able to get the table into the room on several occasions, and the games get more competitive and heated each time. I love having teachers’ meetings because I get to watch Mr. Armanath and Ms. Walters get into giant hilarious arguments about the game!” Phillips said.

Miller implicated in fine arts robbery

By LULULEMON DIFFENBAUGH Staff Fitness Wear

Mathematician-Baker for 2020 U.S. President ‘Make America Calculate Again’ – how Christine Walters rose to prominence

By SOFLY ASHLEY Staff Cool Person Forget underpinning infrastructure after hurricanes and arguing legislature in the chamber of the Senate – leading the intrepid troops of the Pinewood math department is the newest requisite of running for the 2020 United States President. Just ask Pinewood math department chair Christine ‘Chrissy’ Walters.

“Math is the most useful skill in life, so there is no point spending precious time learning other subjects,” Walters said.

After hundreds of years of male presidents in the United States, Walters, if elected, would make history as the first female president. As a math teacher for many years who excels at connecting with students, Walters plans to utilize her expansive experience constructing events like Pi Day and assigning day-today homework.

Working closely with the Department of Education, Walter plans to push all schools across the country to focus primarily on math. Her slogan: M.A.C.A. – ‘Make America Calculate Again.’

“American citizens don’t listen to one other anyways, so what’s the point of having people learn English? Numbers are indisputable,” Walters said.

Walters’ promise is that she will make students better problem solvers in and out of school.

“Mathematicians see things in black and white, so there is no one better than Walters to know the best way to help our country,” said Walters’ campaign manager, Andrew Yang, whose failed presidential bid gave rise to a slew of ‘outsider’ contenders with careers beyond the political arena. “She will be decisive and distin

guish the right decisions from the wrong ones.”

In her free time, Walters also enjoys baking. Just imagine how much happier all of the White House staff would be, constantly immersed in the lovely, aromatic smells of warm, freshly baked cakes and cookies. Scientific studies from the Amarnathian-Bayesian Statistics Institute have proven the serotonin-inducing effect of baked goods.

“Everyone would have a smile on their face while they filled their bellies with Walters’ delicious baked goods,” Amarnath Santhanam said. Santhanam, the head researcher of the Institute, declined to comment on knuckles that were mysteriously bruised, standing amidst a volley of broken punching bags. “Ideas would flow much more smoothly, and disagreements would be minimized.”

With everything going on in our world today, we need a person whom we can trust to make the best decisions, and that person is Walters. She is analytical, decisive, kind and knowledgeable. And don’t forget about the cookies!

“I have known Walters for many years now, and I work in the same department as her. Knowing her so well, I am sure that she would be an incredible president because of her kindness and her great ideas,” math teacher Sara Dorset said.

AL IS NOT A RE “SCHLUMP” INA WORD, SABR

PHOTO TAKEN BY ELLAHAUNDRO

WORD WARS Debates over the veracity of certain words has erupted into full-scale fights in the faculty lounge.

On March 27 at 10:03 a.m., an armed robber stole a historic Frida Kahlo painting from the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art, according to police reports. Art teachers Cole Godvin and Caitlin Miller chaperoned a field trip of 14 students to the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art, hoping to encourage a greater appreciation for art – and then witnessed a grand larceny of classic paintings.

The three witnesses of this crime were members of the Pinewood community – Godvin, sophomore Trevor Kaskade, and junior Drew Mahlmeister.

According to the eyewitnesses, the robber entered, slamming the door and shooting a gun up into the air. The robber then walked over to the Frida Kahlo piece painted in 1931 called “Frieda and Diego Rivera.” The robber escaped with the paintings before any guards were able to arrive, not before Miller reappeared in the van with a mysteriously broken wrist.

Kaskade and Mahlmeister were the only two students in the exhibit with Godvin. “[Miller] was also supposed to be in the room with me, but she left for about 20 minutes – which happened to be when the robbery took place,” Godvin said.

Kaskade was too distracted by the robbery, as well as the newest Warhol exhibit of four Mao Zedongs, to notice Miller’s absence.

“There was one gunshot and then all I can remember was a lot of screaming and yelling,” Kaskade said.

Godvin was just exiting the exhibit when she heard the gunshot.

“I hid behind a pillar and was unable to see the face of the robber. However, I was able to hear the person, and it definitely sounded like a woman, but the mask over her face muffled the voice,” Godvin said.

Mahlmeister, however, was standing in the center of the room when the robber entered and claimed she saw the person’s figure.

“I heard the gunshot, and I fell to the ground and put my face down. However, I remember seeing a figure in all black with glasses and one arm covered in a wrist splint,” Mahlmeister said.

Security officials are still unable to identify the culprit, but one thing is for sure: Miller’s whereabouts were unknown during this entire time period, and somehow there was an exact replica of the “Frida and Diego” painting hanging in the Pinewood art room the next day.

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THE ANNUAL April 2020

NEW SPORT ON THE BLOCK

By NICK BLACKSMITH Staff Writer The sports world has been truly rocked by the coronavirus. Notable athletes like Kevin Durant, Rudy Gobert, and Arsenal manager Mikel Arteta contracting the virus has shown how widespread this problem truly is. The nation’s schools have been truly ravaged as thousands of schools all across the nation shut down classes, sports and activities.

In an interesting turn of events, the California Interscholastic Federation, decided to combine cross-country and football into one sport: “cross-football.”

Donal Cahalane, chairman of CIF, has described cross football in an interesting way.

“Cross-football will be all of the violent parts of football mixed with the overall hell that is cross-country,” Calahane said.

The rules of the game are fairly simple: it’s cross-country but with a ball and full contact.

Each team lines up in a vertical line and the last person in the line gets a football. They are tasked with getting the football across the finish line before the other team does to score a touchdown.

The rest of the runners have to try and both protect the runner and tackle the other teams’ runner. If a runner goes down, the whole team faces a 10 second penalty on the restart. The times of all of the players and the seven point touchdown will be factored into the final score.

In the beginning, this decision threw the Pinewood sports program into chaos as coaches Matt Stimson and Yong-Chan Kim scrambled to figure out the schedule, practices, and other aspects of this new sport. But eventually, the Pinewood cross-football team began to take shape.

Winning five out of seven meets, the Pinewood cross-football team was a sensation in the open division. Tackler Nate George was voted firstteam all-league as he completed 20 tackles and broke an opponent’s tibia not once, but twice.

Now, many Pinewood administrators and students are calling for the decision to combine both sports to become permanent as the Pinewood athletic program has flourished with this change.

HEFUELS

A Whole New League: Curry Steps It Down

67 points

By MAX ORANGE Staff Writer After breaking his hand earlier this NBA season, Stephen Curry was scheduled to return to the Warriors lineup on March 4 against the Toronto Raptors, when he did something nobody expected. In his journey through rehabilitation, Curry elected to join the Warriors G-League team, the Santa Cruz Warriors, for a few days to practice and get back into the flow of things. Little did the world know, Curry had other ideas.

After meeting with him about his impending return, Warriors general manager, Bob Myers said head in his hands, “What on Earth is he thinking?”

What was Curry thinking?

“I’m gonna stay,” an enthusiastic Curry later told reporters, “I love where I am, the staff, the players …

I’m here to stay.”

“He looks like the Steph of old,” starting point guard, Jeremy Pargo said, af-

DANCE TEAM HIP HOPS TO THE TOP

By SHAAN THE SHEEP Staff Writer

P H O T O TA K E N BY S A AV R I P E P T O B I S M A L

When you think of Pinewood, there is only one sports team that comes to mind: the Pinewood competitive boys hip hop team. Run by junior Neil Rustagi, the team started in 2019 as a small dance team put together for fun, instead of the tournament-winning, nationally-known boy band group it is today. Some members of the group include sophomores Tylor Chou, Dane Housells, and Alex Orsulak.

“I originally got the inspiration for this team as a way to bring some dance culture to Pinewood and as a great way

G R A P H I C BY C H E W Y B A R

ter guarding him in a scrimmage. “He dropped 50 points on my head.”

Uncontested, Curry would take Pargo’s spot as the starting point guard for the Santa Cruz Warriors and laced up for his G-League debut on March 4 against the Salt Lake City Stars. Upon learning the news, the Stars starting point guard Mike Scott was seen punching a locker and yelling obscenities at the coaching staff. This reaction was quite warranted, as in his debut, in front of a sold out crowd, Stephen Curry dropped a triple-double with 67 points, 15 assists and 11 rebounds. Not only did he set the record for points scored in a G-League game, he shot 70 percent from 3-point range, posterized an opposing big, broke four sets of ankles and had no turnovers.

“I kept drawing up plays and he ignored every single one of them,” Warriors head coach Kris Weems said. “He

to get exercise while having fun. I never once imagined we would be performing to ‘Mo Bamba’ or ‘Gucci Gang’ in front of the governor of California or winning the hip hop boy band national dance competition,” Rustagi said.

While the team was preparing to do a show in the White House, they were being called the Brockhampton or One Direction boy band group of dance.

Some of the songs in their lineup were “Faucet Failure” by ski mask the slump god, “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley, “Gotti” by Tekashi 6ix9ine, and “Baby” by Justin Bieber. Unfortunately, due to the coronavirus that show has been cancelled, and their national tour has been cancelled as well.

“We were all really disappointed about the cancellations, and I think we were all really excited to dab and millie rock in front of our thousands of supporters,” Chou said. “However, we are still practicing really hard and will be posting heavily on tik tok during this period to make up for the cancelled tours.”

was eating popcorn during timeouts and dapping up the courtside fans …

I was absolutely starstruck.”

After an impressive 30 point debut win, Curry and Santa Cruz Warriors saw tickets increase in value by 700 percent, going for $133.

A relatively average team going into the final leg of their season, the 20-19 Warriors needed a push to get them into the G-League playoffs. They got far more than they asked for in Curry, a 3-time NBA Champion and 2-time MVP, who led them to win their next 11 straight games by an average margin of 25 points. The Warriors finished 3019, tied for best team in their division.

From there, the Curry-led Warriors would sweep the entire playoffs with Curry averaging 45 points, 12 assists and 8 rebounds per game. In the final, they pummelled the Wisconsin Herd 125-90 with Curry putting up 52 points and 8 steals, both finals records.

“He’s an absolute monster,” Herd guard Christian Wood said. “Every time he dribbled up the court, I was praying someone would set a screen on me so I would be switched

off of him.”

After the game, Curry was awarded both the Regular Season and Finals MVP awards, in the first unanimous vote in G-League history.

“It feels great to finally be the most valuable player on my team,” Curry remarked seriously. “I was constantly being upstaged with the [Golden State] Warriors. Iggy in 2015, KD in 2017 and 2018, even Klay in the 2016 playoffs…I never felt at home with the Warriors, since I never felt like I could really shine.”

When asked whether he planned to continue playing for the Santa Cruz Warriors, Curry responded with a look that said: “What do you think?”

It seems that we may have an impending G-League dynasty on our hands.

Luckily, the team still has big plans for the future. They are currently planning on buying a mansion in Los Altos Hills to start the Hip Hop Boys Dance House.

“We’re all really excited about this, and think this could be a great way to propel our team forward in dance. We got the idea from the hype house, but I feel that we have put a great twist on it to make it our own. Our dancing style is also very different from tik tok dancing, and I think our hope with this project is to really push the hip hop dance culture into Tik Tok as well,” Orsulak said.

The team is currently looking for new members who have a love for dancing and want to improve. Basic requirements for the team are knowing how to whip, nae nae, millie rock, throw it back, dab, and how to do the worm. The future for the boy band group looks very promising and exciting, and Pinewood will be proudly looking forward to upcoming accomplishments.

THE ANNUAL April 2020

THE SHALLOWS

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SHALLOWS

STE M AT P I N EW O O D From bioluminescence to hydrodynamics, Pinewood’s ambitious plans to up funding in STEM departments have gone right – and wrong

Biolu-

miPHOTO COURTESY OF GOOGLE IMAGES

STREET FIGHTIN G WITH MR. A “we decided to build a waterpark to help students with stress or anxiety... as well as supplement our physics department”

PHYSIC S WATER PARK ON THE FIELD

– GABRIEL LEMMON , PRINCIPAL

100%

PHOTO TAKEN

BY SAM KING OF ENGLAND

Student Responses to “Am I Terrified Of Being Fought By Mr. Amarnath?”

By ALLY LEAFY Staff Forest

FIG. 1 88%

of students reported interest in taking street fighting with Mr. Amarnath

The art of fighting has been studied, like the gracefulness of a spinning back kick 60% or the fluidity of a punch. However, the mathematics and physics of street fight40% ing has been under the radar – until now.

“Mathematics of Street Fighting,” taught 20% by math teacher Amarnath Santhanam, will instruct students how to mathematYes No ically calculate the opponent’s next move.

As an algebra and statistics teacher, SanFIG. 2 Students who voted “no” explained: thanam may have no fighting training – “I have already faced death in his AP Statisbut to him, theory is sufficient. tics problem sets. I do not fear it anymore.”

“You don’t need physical training. You just need math,” Santhanam said.

Santhanam said his class will cover ev“We will cover not erything one needs to know to become an only Prussian horse ultimate street fighting champion, from kick fatality statisthe velocity of a backhand to the speed of tics, but also the vea roundhouse kick. locity of a backhand Interest in this class is high across and the speed of a grades: Fig. 1 and 2 demonstrate enthusiroundhouse kick.” asm from Pinewood students.

80%

By MICHAEL STRUM Staff Guitarist Instead of walking to class, you can now slide. One major change is set to soon take place at Pinewood: the waterpark being constructed on the field will be open to all students after spring break, where physics and chemistry students can study hydrodynamics and the interactions of liquids and solids.

“We decided to build a waterpark on the field to help students with any stress or anxiety that they may be feeling, as well as supplement our physics department,” Principal Gabriel Lemmon said.

The waterpark will reportedly cover the entire field and consist of water slides, drop towers, and water coasters. There will be water tunnels and chutes in each classroom through which students can exit and enter the waterpark. To gain entry, students must log in to an application on their school-assigned iPads and authenticate their identities.

The science department is revising its curriculum to allow students to study force, gravity, momentum, and tension through analyzing the pulleys, levers, and structures that make up the waterpark, according to science department chair Kim Hudson.

Lemmon noted that this project has been in the works since he arrived.

“When I told them I had the idea for a private waterpark for Pinewood students, we all thought it would become a landmark of Upper Campus. After we brainstormed, all of the pieces came together and the construction began,” Lemmon said.

Potential safety hazards, such as being thrown from the slide in tussles with peers to more easily access the Snack Shack’s hot chocolate booth, or falling to the ground and breaking bones, have been considered.

Parents must waive their rights to sue the institution for students to use the service.

Lemmon encourages students to visit the water park from time to time and bring a change of dry clothes if they have a class af-

– AMARNATH SANTHANAM, STREET FIGHTING TEACHER

“STREET FIGHTING,” Continued on P. 8

JELLYFI SH JUNIOR S MAKE HISTORY

By ALEX ROACH Staff Bug

PHOTO TAKEN BY ELSA KOZLOV

BIOLUMINESCENT BUDDIES Aequorea jellyfish injections in a long-term research project and a two-week boot camp for physical preparation are all in a day’s work for students studying with biology teacher Monica Ventrice (right).

In early March, high school biology teacher Monica Ventrice and her 11th grade students dissected four Aequorea victoria jellyfish specimens for a long-term research project. Aequorea jellyfish have bioluminescent properties, which means that they glow in the dark. Ventrice and a group of students extracted the bioluminescent proteins from these jellyfish and stored them for later use. After much deliberation of which organism to test their theory on, they decided to use the students themselves in an effort to make scientific history. Their goal: to create four bioluminescent human beings.

Due to the very particular conditions required for the proteins to survive in a human host, the select students were put through a rigorous two-week boot camp to prepare their bodies for the injection.

This included many physical challenges as well as a regulated diet.

“The students had to adopt a fully keto

diet and work on building their glute muscles,” Ventrice said.

This specific work on the gluteus maximus was vital, since the proteins needed to be injected in the lower back right above those muscles. The protein is more likely to succeed and thrive if the muscles are toned. Once injected, two of the students saw results within 24 hours; their lower back and upper thighs began to glow.

Within the predicted 48-hour time period, they were both fully bioluminescent.

The other students had a bit of a delay, but it is believed to have been for dietary reasons.

“We caught those students sneaking snack pretzels and soda during the boot camp. This dietary disturbance is most likely the cause of their delay,” Ventrice said.

In the end, Ventrice and those four selected students – Sydney deLora, Sam Kavich, Martin Yao, and Hudson deGroff – made scientific history and even received a letter from a famous biologist who studies bioluminescence, Edith Widder, commending their work.

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THE ANNUAL April 2020 PHOTO BY SAM KING OF ENGLAND

EXERCISING THE BODY AND MIND Santhanam demonstrates proper technique for assuming a fighting position, complete with a lengthy proof (not pictured).

8th BEST PAGE “STREET FIGHTING,” Continued from P. 1

By GENGHIS KHAN Staff Warlord and Jailtime Expert

Originally taught at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Santhnam discovered the course and immediately fell in love with it.

“I knew the course would enhance Pinewood students’ learning and would help them become more interested in math itself,” Santhanam explained.

The class taught at MIT explores the idea of guessing how fast or how heavy a moving object is without the actual calculations. Therefore, it makes it easy to gauge a fighting opponent’s next move.

Some units in the class include the basics of fighting, one on one sparring, and the physics of each movement. The one-on-one sparring unit will teach each student how to rapidly guess what move will occur next, while other students watch and take notes. In addition, Santhanam hopes to have guest speakers come in and teach. The course will be available to juniors and seniors next semester. Santhanam hopes to recruit a street fighting team and to possibly enter competitions. He says it is too early to know.

“Knowing Pinewood students, they will catch on fast. I can really see us going far,” Santhanam said.

If the course goes according to plan, Pinewood students will be able to tackle their opponents like they do with the rest of their schoolwork.

“RELATED,” Continued from P. 1

Reilly Brady is actually the twin sister of senior Sarah Feng.

“They are both lovely daughters and I love being able to teach them and work with them both in and out of school,” Sabrina Strand said, writing teacher and mother of Brady and Feng, .

This family enjoys spending time together by going outside to try out different writing techniques and to attend writing workshops.

Brady also inherited her love for singing from her mother.

“My sister and mom have a tendency to burst into song at really random times,” Feng said. “But I love them anyway.”

Brady, Feng, and Strand love spending time with their close family friends, art teacher Caitlin Miller and her niece, senior Katherine Chui, and high school history teacher Sam Jezak and his niece, senior Katherine Han. “We usually take family trips together since we all love the outdoors,” Miller said.

While Brady, Feng, and Strand enjoy writing, Chui and Miller enjoy exploring various types of art techniques, museums, and workshops. Jezak and Han can be seen carrying their cameras at all times and keeping a lookout for beautiful sceneries to take pictures of.

Jezak says he enjoys teaching his

Prison Break: An Attempt

niece the various aspects of photography. However, during family photo time, they end up finding themselves arguing over who should be in the photo and who should be taking the photo.

“Even though we are technically three separate families, it usually ends up feeling like we are really one big family,” Jezak said.

With the startling news of Reilly Brady and Carter Brady out, it would be normal to wonder who is Carter Brady is related to?

“It was difficult mixing the right proportions of carbon, argon, tellurium, rubidium, but after months of experimentation it was definitely worth the result,” chemistry teacher Sarah Prestwood said.

Prestwood said that naming her son after his chemical formula seemed quite obvious.

Brady has also grown to love the chemistry room, and can often be seen helping his mom out in there during his free time.

“When I am not able to finish my chores at home, she makes sure I do them at school,” Brady said.

Brady and Prestwood can often be seen with goggles on, hovering over a test tube, carefully pouring various elements into their experiments.

Walsey and Walters, the two names do bear a resemblance. This is not without reason.

Going to prison is not something that most students look forward to in their four years of high school. However, one student has been preparing for her time in – and escape from – prison for several months. Senior Katherine Ayumi Chui has been plotting her schemes for how to make her way into prison, how to successfully become a prison top dog, and how to ultimately escape. Chui has also taken the time to write a full report and breakdown on her plan: bits and pieces have been revealed from this plan, but the full document is currently classified material. Countless people have doubted her intentions and ability, yet Chui remains adamant in completing her schemes.

“Number one rule: you don’t give away your plan,” Chui says.

Let’s start by breaking down Chui’s strengths, or current lack thereof. At a whopping ninety pounds of pure lack of muscle, Chui does not appear to be any kind of physical threat to anyone but herself. However, critics should not be fooled by her twig-like physique. Chui, the self-aware individual that she is, does not plan on relying on her strength to obtain the top dog position in prison. She is instead going to find “underlings” – a term Chui uses in her detailed report – both inside and outside of the prison walls to help carry out her schemes.

Although Chui has yet to have a reason to go to prison, she has already begun rallying up potential underlings, like her long-time best friend, senior Reilly Brady. “[Chui] may appear unthreatening to the average eye, but sheer lack of any body muscle is exactly what makes her the perfect criminal mastermind,” Brady said.

If you are still unconvinced, then rest assured – Chui is trying to build a small amount of muscle as a secure backup plan. Her “bulking” plan is to follow core and full body workouts every day for twenty-eight days and eat a lot of quinoa.

Chui has refused to provide any comments or further details on this subject.

“One day, out of the blue, he decided he wanted to be rebellious and change his last name,” math teacher Christine Walters, and mother of senior Ethan Walsey, said. “He told me that was what he wanted for his eighteenth birthday, so I said go for it!”

Walsey said he realized that he did not want to change his last name to something drastically different, because that would be more effort to change on all the paperwork.

“Ain’t nobody got time for that,” Walsey said.

The two can often be seen arguing over whether the Earth is really a sphere or a rectangular prism at red lights during their daily motorcycle races.

Varsity girls soccer coach Whitney Wood witnessed a fantastic season this year with her team. She is proud of the team and is thankful to the captains and how much they have helped her throughout the season.

But little did the team, or anyone really, know that two of the three captains are actually her daughters.

“Olivia and I have played together for as long as I can remember,” junior Sam King said. “No matter what I do, I know Liv has my back.”

King and senior Olivia Page have been a power duo ever since they began playing soccer together, with King playing as forward or middle and Page

having her back as defense.

“The story of how I found them is actually quite interesting,” Wood said.

After playing in a long, hard game during the FIFA Womens’ World Cup, Wood was jogging to the goals to pick up the scattered soccer balls.

However, instead of finding soccer balls, she found two children.

“I have been their soccer coach and their soccer mom ever since that fateful day,” Wood said.

From his secret stash of sweater vests and fancy pants, it is easy to see the resemblance between sophomore Owen Terry and his grandfather, computer science teacher Haggai Mark. Terry and Mark like to twin everywhere else they go.

At home, they can both be found working hard in their basement, creating new computer languages. They enjoy coding together at school as well, during Mark’s classes.

“Whenever I see him misbehaving during class, I just tell him that I am going to call Grandma Mark and ask her to not make him cookies that day,” Mark said. “That usually gets him under control right away.”

Mark is happy that Terry found passion for computing, and that they can share together.

“We have been coding buddies for as long as I can remember,” Terry said.