The Purrrrennial | Satirical Issue | April 2023

Exposés

Straight Facts

Conspiratorial

Read a scathing critique of friendship and its proper role in our lives in Yesha Joshi’s latest article

Read about Watergate 2.0 and the Ocean Ambassadors Club’s high crimes in Simon Prawn’s latest article

Learn the real truth about The Perennial and its use of child labor in EIC Sam the Ma’am’s latest article

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MARCH 30, 2023

INSTAGRAM: @PINEWOODPERENNIAL

PINEWOOD SCHOOL, LOS ALTOS HILLS, CA

VOLUME VII, ISSUE V

THEPERENNIAL.ORG

“I WAS REALLY IN A LOT OF PAIN”: Head of Upper Campus Mandates INSANE HEDGE MAZE In Upper Campus Parking Lot

Photo by COLIN TETANUS

CONCEPT ART The Pinewood Purrrrennial has recently come into possession of early-stage concept art for the hedge maze currently installed in the Upper Campus parking lot.

MICHAEL STROMBOLI Staff Scalawag

The faces of parents and students alike were aghast on Monday morning as they drove up to Pinewood and saw massive walls of shrubbery that towered over the surrounding neighbor in the shape of a 20-foot hedge maze where they expected to see the Upper Campus parking lot. Parents and students were forced to navigate through this maze to park, leaving many displeased. Head of Upper Campus Gabriel Lemmon defended the new project.

“I have always said school is all about challenging yourself,” Lemmon said. “Our students are challenged in the classroom and on the field, so why should the parking lot be handed to them on a silver platter?”

This new parking lot has indeed challenged many students, and Office Manager Andrea Sanchez confirmed that the new situation has affected attendance.

“Quite frankly, it’s a disgrace,” Sanchez said. “All we did was put up a tiny hedge maze over the weekend, and there’s suddenly a lot more tardies and absences.

I always knew the children around here were weak.”

English teacher Sabrina Strand was sunbathing in a beach chair near the theater when she was asked about how this development affected her parking lot duty.

“Nobody’s driving where they’re not supposed to in this maze because it’s too dangerous, so I can just sit back, relax, and laugh when people crash into the hedges,” Strand said. “As long as you don’t pay attention to the car accidents, it’s fine!”

Senior Audrey Nelson was unfortunate enough to get into such a car accident when she crashed into one of the hedges, breaking 412 bones in her body.

“I was really in a lot of pain,” Nelson said. “I don’t know how my jaw recovered in time to talk to you about it, but it was really horrible. I was calling for help, but all I could hear was somebody howling with laughter at the top of the parking lot.”

After seeing the effects that the new maze has had on accidents and attendance, Lemmon has conceded and agreed to take down the maze.

“Fine, if you softies can’t take it, I’m announcing Crash Day,” Lemmon said. “Let everybody crash through the hedges and whoever goes through the most [shrubbery] wins.”

Senior McKellar Reed is especially excited for Crash Day, and he is already calculating the perfect strategy.

“I’m in it to win it, baby, know what I’m sayin’,” Reed said. “I am going to single-handedly crash through this entire maze.”

Upon receiving the news about Crash Day, Strand removed her sunglasses, stood up from her beach chair, and menacingly peered at the parking lot.

“Oh, this is gonna be fun,” Strand said.

SHOCKED AND ANGERED: Literature Teachers Engage in VICIOUS BRAWL Over DISGRACEFUL REMOVAL of Rhetorical Device Chiasmus From Curriculum SOPHIA CHANGE Staff Accountant

Although Pinewood teachers are known for being dedicated to their subjects, the English department is particularly infamous for its passion for all things literature and writing-related. On Wednesday, these passions came to a head as literature teachers David Wells and Eric Schreiber got into a fistfight over Schreiber’s exclusion of chiasmus in his curriculum.

Student bystanders alleged that Wells and Schreiber were having a casual conversation about the changes they were making to their curricula for the next school year when Schreiber mentioned that he was dropping chiasmus from his curriculum. Wells immediately became angry and closed the classroom door, which shocked students because of Wells’ dedication to constantly keeping the door open, no matter the temperature. After some heated finger-pointing at the Shakespeare posters on the walls and each other, Wells and Schreiber squared up and began fighting, students said.

Chiasmus is a rhetorical device in which words, grammatical constructions, and phrases are repeated in reverse order to invert the meaning of the sentence.

Wells is famously known for his emotional attachment to chiasmus, often professing his love for the rhetorical device in the middle of class.

“I just don’t understand how anyone could dislike an aptly used chiasmus,” Wells said. “My favorite example of it is definitely a quote from John F. Kennedy’s inaugural address: ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.’ Today, I decided that what I could do for my country was throw a punch in [Schreiber’s] face in defense of chiasmus lovers everywhere.”

Schreiber defended his decision to remove chiasmus from the curriculum, citing inexperienced freshmen.

“The freshmen I teach aren’t familiar enough with rhetorical devices, so I can’t really put something as advanced as chiasmus into my curriculum,” Schreiber said. “Even though it’s definitely dropped in my rhetorical device rankings after this incident, I have no hate in my heart for chiasmus.”

When asked about his rhetorical device rankings, Schreiber’s face began to take on a relaxed, dream-like look.

Photo by SAM PHEASANT

ARTICLE CONTINUED ON PAGE 7

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THE PURRRRENNIAL April 2023

Exposés

P.E. Alters Curriculum to Prepare

KATHLEEN ZZZZZZZ Staff Professional Napper

Picture a room with sleek black marble floors, professional cinema cameras in every corner, suspenseful music playing, and a line of burly Pinewood students flexing their muscles.

This is what the Pinewood gym will look like starting April 24. On that day, the Netflix crew will come to Upper Campus to begin shooting a spinoff of its hit reality competition show “Physical: 100.”

Similar to the original show, the Pinewood version, “Pinewood Physical: 100,” will feature 100 volunteer contestants who will compete in a series of grueling challenges in areas of strength, endurance, and agility to win the grand honor of being named the “The Muscle Monster.”

When Netflix first pitched this idea to Bay Area schools, Pinewood’s physical education department pounced on the opportunity.

Now, the P.E. teachers have devised a new curriculum to train students for the competition.

“Forget badminton and pickleball,” athletic director Matt Stimson said. “Our new and improved program features an assortment of unique high-intensity tasks. You never know what obstacles the students will have to tackle in the competition, so we’re trying to prepare them as well as possible.”

Stimson says these new tasks will be wrestling until blackout, hanging onto tall structures with teeth, jumping from roof to roof,

climbing trees while dodging arrows, and more.

The general consensus among Pinewood students has been exceedingly positive, with students embracing every minute of PE class in hopes of maximizing their chance of becoming the next Netflix star. Sophomore Jolyn Ding observed their tenacious determination.

“When I went to shoot in the gym yesterday, I was flabbergasted to see students in P.E. uniforms doing pull-ups on the ceiling pipes,” Ding said. “Their arms looked like bags of bread rolls because of how much muscle they had.”

In addition to training robustly within the scheduled

P.E. block, some students have chosen to spend their free time drilling exercises as well. One of those students is sophomore Josephine Tu. “I’ve never been so motivated in my life,” Tu exclaimed while attempting a squat with both an AP World History textbook and chemistry textbook balanced on her head. “Now, whenever I practice playing my cello at night, I also make sure to bench press it for at least 37 reps.”

While this new, vigorous training has driven students to optimize all aspects of their physical capabilities, it has also understandably led to some minor injuries.

“We had a student who was climbing a wall intensely and fell, which unfortunately shattered his bones and required him to get his left arm amputated,” P.E. teacher Whitney Wood said. “My heart truly goes out to him, his family, and especially, his arm.”

In the future, Wood said the P.E. department will be looking into precautionary measures to ensure minor accidents like this don’t occur again; however, they don’t plan on making any major change to their curriculum, as they believe injuries are insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Wood and Stimson indicated that their priorities still lie in building a group of excellent physiques.

“By the time the Netflix crew comes to Pinewood, our students will be more than ready,” Stimson said with a large grin. “Our newly-trained, ultra-muscular PE students will make Pinewood proud.”

Photo by ABI THE WEASEL

Why Having Friends is Overrated YEESHA JOSHI Staff Sarcasm Enthusiast

Humans are social creatures. At least that’s what everyone tells you. But what if they’re wrong? What if “science” has pulled a veil over your eyes about the true nature of human relationships?

It has. Relationships — especially friendships — are unnecessary; more than that, they’re harmful. We are all too willing to ignore the emotional pain and wasted potential that comes from friendships, but we shouldn’t just let this glaring problem go. Since I first recognized the harmful nature of friendships and voluntarily distanced myself from my so-called “friends,” I’ve been trying to get the word out.

I’ll concede that family relationships must be maintained to some degree. After all, if attending a dreary family dinner or sending over a trite Christmas card guarantees you won’t be written out of the will, so be it.

But friendships? They’re just unnecessary.

First, they’re a waste of time and energy. You’ll never get back all those hours spent comforting your bestie about how their crush didn’t notice their new yellow socks. You’ll never get back the $100 you blew on that Lululemon jacket for them, or the effort it took to find one that matched their foundation perfectly. On your birthday, all they’ll do is sift through their pandemic stash of toilet paper and give you a sad little leftover roll.

for Netflix Show

With all the wasted energy we have to funnel into our friendships, it’s no wonder that more important things fall by the wayside. Think of all the creative people who could have discovered the cure for cancer in the time they spent “hanging out,” buying tacky overpriced clothes, seeing overrated movies, or whatever other boring stuff friends do these days.

Worse than wasted potential, though, is the extreme emotional pain that these relationships cause. While I’ve escaped this kind of situation, I’ve observed many others suffer in the name of friendship.

An acquaintance of mine once found out, to their devastation, that their best friend secretly threw away their matching T-shirts. The same acquaintance was also jeered at by their closest friends for wanting to become an ostrich babysitter, which led to several weeks of tearful lunches spent in that one bathroom stall no one goes into.

This is the kind of damage friendships can leave behind. Others may call me a pessimist, but I truly believe that friendship will lead to the eventual downfall of society as we know it. It’s like Valentine’s Day candy: sugary to the taste, pretty to look at, but a silent killer when consumed in excess.

Speaking of Valentine’s Day… don’t even get me started on romance.

Illustration by AERONAUTICS

Hamilton: Hamilton in Hamilton

MAILBOX WANG Staff Post Office

“Alexander Hamilton. My name is Alexander Hamilton. And there’s a million things I haven’t done.”

While there are a million things math teacher Stuart Hamilton hasn’t done, one thing he has done is star in a Broadway production of “Hamilton.”

Acting was never in Hamilton’s vision for his future. After finishing his second school year of teaching math five years ago, he decided he wanted to take a break from academics.

“I was listening to the ‘Hamilton’ soundtrack and reflecting on the origins of my name, and I thought maybe it was a sign,” Hamilton said. “The musical ‘Hamilton’ had just come out, and I thought it would be funny to try it out.”

It seems Hamilton was simply meant for the role, for he landed the lead role of Alexander Hamilton. He packed his bags and moved into a small apartment in New York City. Hamilton impressed himself, his friends, and his family after securing the big role.

“I couldn’t believe it,” Hamilton said.

“The whole concept of acting was hard at first, but I eventually learned how to better my singing, acting, and dancing through tons of dance lessons, voice lessons, and rehearsals.”

Hamilton starred in “Hamilton” for two years with shows seven days a week before realizing he is never satisfied — he missed teaching math and his life before the show. Although acting on Broadway was an incredible experience for him, being on stage would never bring Hamilton the same joy as “being in agreement” or “not in agreement” to students’ math.

Freshman Addison Parenti went to watch the production of “Hamilton”

when she was six years old and remembers the production quite vividly. The show made Parenti feel everything at once as the dramatic story line went on; she was and still is in awe at the quality of acting the actors showcased, especially Hamilton.

“That specific production of ‘Hamilton’ has remained the greatest production I have ever seen because it sparked my interest in musical theater,” Parenti said. “When I saw Hamilton on the first day of school, I immediately recognized him.”

Photo by THE BILLY GOAT LORD

Parenti loves musical theater and has performed in multiple productions here at Pinewood. While she will never forget her role model, Stuart Hamilton, she is too nervous to go up to him and ask for an autograph, for she has been told to never meet your idols. She prays that she will never be placed in Hamilton’s math class.

“Whenever I see Hamilton on campus, I run,” Parenti said.

Hamilton’s ambitions for his teaching career skyrocketed as a result of his short-lived fame.

“Playing Hamilton changed my perspective on life,” Hamilton said. “I can’t wait for everyone to see what I have in store for my teaching career.

Just you wait.”

THE PURRRRENNIAL April 2023

Hudsonberg’s Reign Of Terror Now Over After Arrest

PEY TON SINNER Staff Satanist

Is Los Altos Hills the new Albuquerque? Nearly 14 years after notorious drug kingpin Walter Hartwell White, known as Heisenberg, was caught after terrorizing the Southwest with his meth empire, another player has been apprehended.

Science teacher Kim Hudson, known on the streets as Hudsonberg, has been arrested after she was caught checking on the money she had hidden behind Pinewood School.

Santa Clara County Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) agents knew where to look for the high school science teacher turned criminal Her former partner and co-conspirator Monica Ventrice, another member of the science department, agreed to comply with the police in exchange for protection and reduced jail time.

The DEA seized over $10 million in hard cash buried in a discreet hiding spot on a path near the school’s Upper Campus last week, commonly known by students as “The Turkey.”The Pinewood community is currently reeling from these recent discoveries, and many at the school are unsure of what comes next.

The story starts three years ago in March of 2020.

Quarantined at home with much more free time avail-

3 TRAITOR! BALLS

able, Ventrice reached out to Hudson about an idea she had and reportedly called “a chance at free money.”

With the campus empty, Ventrice and Hudson began to sneak into science classrooms, using the school’s supply of chemicals and lab equipment to cook some of the purest meth this country has ever seen. The two operated out of their classrooms every week for nearly eight months. Eventually, they were forced to cook out of a new remote location in Portola Valley once students returned to campus.

For nearly two straight years, Hudson and Ventrice worked to make millions of dollars worth of perfectly crafted, 99.1% pure crystal meth. Everything went according to plan until Ventrice decided enough was enough.

“I couldn’t take the Photo by SKYLAR POOEY complaints anymore,” Ventrice said. “Students would come in begging for lab grades back and parents would call asking why I hadn’t graded the piles of papers stacked on my desk.”

KIKI IS A TRAITOR!

JOLYN BLING This chain cost 50 racks

There is a traitor among us.

When Pinewood hired current substitute teacher and assistant girls basketball coach Kiki Nakano, it’s safe to assume that no one expected her to be a minor and absolute fraud of a teacher, let alone a traitorous, backstabbing spy.

Over her past two years at Pinewood, Nakano has mastered the art of remaining inconspicuous. If you don’t find her in the gym watching film on basketball, it’s almost guaranteed that you’ll find her substituting for an absent teacher, making herself a coffee in the teacher’s lounge, or strolling through the hallways with her earbuds in.

Despite her incredibly believable facade, history teacher Sam Jezak remains skeptical of Nakano’s true identity and recently launched an investigation to find out more about who she really is.

“Ever since she came to Pinewood, I got the impression that she was a high schooler,” Jezak said. “She literally blends right in with the rest of my students.”

To satiate his desire for the truth, Jezak spent countless weeks trying to find information about Nakano online; unfortunately, nothing seemed to turn up. Feeling defeated, Jezak shifted his attention to other matters.

ARTICLE CONTINUED ON PAGE 7

Someone Plays Ultimate At Pinewood?

BRANDON PEE Staff Toilet

It’s a classic American sport. It involves throwing and catching an object. It features touchdowns. I am talking, of course, about the ever-so-relevant, universally loved and admired sport of ultimate frisbee. Ultimate frisbee is so popular, in fact, that a whopping zero people at Pinewood play it competitively. But no. Pinewood’s very own literature teacher Eric Schreiber has a secret love for the sport that he has buried in the deep depths of his heart. Until now.

Schreiber is known for his banzai in literature classes, and also the unsuspecting cooler that he drags around every day. While the cooler contains Schreiber’s lunch, water bottle, and a few other items, it, surprisingly, also hosts a big plastic plate.

“I have a frisbee in there just in case I get an unquenchable urge to start throwing a disc around,” Schreiber said. “There’s been a lot of times where I’ve wanted to just whip out the good ol’ frisbee and play catch with someone.”

Schreiber’s love for the sport stemmed from his childhood, when he stumbled upon a stray frisbee that had been stuck in a tree. After getting the unidentified object, Schreiber wondered what purpose it served. Stumped after 15 minutes of finding any use in the piece of plastic, Schreiber just threw it away, and that moment changed his life.

“It was like magic, it glided through the air like a thing of beauty, and it felt so unbelievably pure and magical,” Schreiber said.

“I’ve had a constant urge to throw a frisbee ever since.”

Schreiber’s desire to throw around his

the disk of destiny, however, has usually failed to be satisfied. Most of the Pinewood faculty seems to favor the sport of football. Schreiber, seeing his beloved sport overshadowed, has developed a passionate hatred for football, and especially the sport’s naming system.

“Football’s just a dumb sport, and their naming system is even dumber,” Schreiber said. “They really named the sport “foot” ball, when the whole sport is about throwing the ball around with your hand.”

Schreiber’s disgust in the sport’s choice of names didn’t stop there.

“Their biggest event of the year that gets all those middle-aged beer-drinking men from around the country to go crazy got called the Super Bowl?” Schreiber said.

“I see no bowl, and I certainly don’t see anything super about it.”

Schreiber had ideas to start his own club for the sport at Pinewood but was rejected by the unpopularity of the sport.

“It’s a shame that nobody wants to join me to enjoy this wonderful sport,” Schreiber said. “But it’s fine, I’ll go play frisbee golf by myself.”

Photo by SAM PHEASANT

Illustration by SKYLAR POOEY

However, just days later, he overheard one of Nakano’s phone calls with an anonymous high school basketball coach and knew this was his opportunity for a breakthrough.

As it turns out, not only was she an undercover high school student lying about her identity, but she was also a freelance spy for opposing basketball programs in the area.

In the next couple of days, Jezak continued to monitor Nakano’s suspicious phone calls with these information-fiending basketball coaches, and in every single one, she handed over Pinewood’s entire handbook of offensive sets, defensive schemes, and scouting reports.

To put it lightly, Jezak was appalled.

“It was just the most gruesome act of treachery I’ve ever witnessed,” Jezak said. “I can’t believe I invited a traitor like her to my wedding.”

Her traitorous behavior also explains the girls basketball teams’ recent offensive and defensive struggles.

According to Jezak, teams began calling out Pinewood’s sets before they even materialized, as they knew what actions to anticipate.

“Cheating just takes the fun out of the game,” Jezak said. “It’s gut-wrenching to know that someone we trusted stabbed us in the back.”

With a betrayal as sinister as this, it becomes impossible to move forward as if nothing happened. How could such an unsuspecting teacher and assistant coach be this duplicitous? How could Pinewood fall victim to a heist as asinine as this? Questions like these will continue to circulate within the Pinewood community as Nakano faces indefinite suspension.

Amidst so much uncertainty, there is one thing we know for sure: Nakano is someone we can no longer trust. So please, watch your back, as friends are close, but enemies are always closer.

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THE PURRRRENNIAL April 2023

Prisha Apologizes on

PRISHA CLEOPATRA Staff Pharaoh

Dear Pinewood, The last couple of weeks have taken a tremendous toll on me, and I have decided to express my feelings in this letter to the Pinewood community. I must admit that my secret has been revealed. I have yet to uncover which one of you pesky traitors leaked my true identity, but whoever you are, you will pay for it.

On March 17, I was called out of my AP World History class to go to Head of Upper Campus Gabriel Lemmon’s office. I still remember how my palms grew sweaty as I made the daunting trek up the hallway and into his office. I tried to recall everything that I could have possibly done wrong. Accidentally spilling glitter all over the Murphy Patio? No, I cleaned that up before anyone noticed. Filling the bathroom sinks with mini Shakespeare replicas for Literature Week? Nah, that was just light fun. Skipping the lunch line too many times?

Then, it hit me!

Only a few days prior to the fateful day of my suspension, I was in the lunch line, eager to get to my Journalism meeting. Lemmon was there to express a subtle concern.

“Prisha, skipping the line again?” Lemmon questioned. “Do you have something to tell me? You have an awful lot on your plate with all those clubs you’re a part of.”

Although his question was rather commonplace, I knew by the look on his face that he was onto me.

By the time I arrived at his office, Lemmon was stern-

Straight Facts

Behalf of the British

ly waiting for me.

“It has been brought to my attention that many of your recent actions have triggered sentiments of suspicion amongst our faculty and students,” Lemmon said. “Never mind your glitter fiasco or little stunt with the Shakespeare replicas. Until we further investigate the reasons behind your constant lurking in the corner of the office or hiding behind the fridges in the Snack Shack, we hope you understand that we have reported you to the authorities, as we fear for the safety of our community.”

To avoid expulsion from this community, I guess I must admit my felony. Pinewood, here is my confession: at the ripe age of 12, Queen Elizabeth II handpicked and sent me and other highly qualified kids who had watched the movie “Spy Kids” far too many times across the pond to spy on the civilians of America. I am a spy for the British. The queen was on a quest to discover the reasons for why America was producing more Nobel Prize winners than the United Kingdom. For those of you wondering, yes, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were indeed part of our squad and led us in our endeavors.

With the queen’s death, our mission was leaked, and I have recently discovered that someone who I called a friend was working on behalf of the American authorities to keep an eye on me.

SALLY KING, I will never forgive you.

Mr. Lemmon, I hope that this public confession redeems me and allows me back on

Pinewood Upper Campus.

Upper Campus community, I assure you that I have cut off all ties with the British agencies and plan on being a better individual for the safety of our community.

Sincerely, Prisha

Photo by

RIYA KAPACHOW

Mei is Not An Arsonist

Dasani Changed My Life

MEI BENIHANA Staff Japanese Steakhouse

JAMIE BURPON Staff Burper

Illustration by

JAMES CLANG

I remember that night well. I recall the man with the eye-patch and the silence of the park. I was hardly four and a half. The sole light that illuminated the park bench was starting to flicker, and my mother was nowhere to be found. That’s when he came, his rugged figure slowly emerging from the darkness, coated in a worn-out shade of black.

I thought to flee, but stood my ground. He began to list the names of my parents, the address of my home, and my favorite color of cotton candy. He was a soothsayer; he told me things about myself I could not even fathom.

Finally, he pulled two bottles from his dark pockets and held them out in the low light. In his left, a bottle of normal SmartWater, and in his right, a strange-looking bottle labeled “Dasani.” He then gave me a choice. He said I could take the conventional SmartWater and go home, forgetting all about this scary night. On the other hand, I could take the peculiar “Dasani.” Finally, he said something that I will never forget: “Only discomfort leads to truth.”

Feeling curious, I took his advice. I grabbed the “Dasani” from Illustration by ARON RACHELSON

On a random Thursday at approximately 6:53 p.m., I came to a very sudden revelation: the vast majority of my friends, family, and acquaintances were under the impression that I, a self-proclaimed history nerd, was an arsonist. Was this a particularly shocking realization? No, perhaps not. I don’t consider myself unobservant, and it would take a dense fool to turn a blind eye to every effort that has been made to keep me 286 inches away from any kind of flammable object, fuel, or lighter.

What I did find surprising were the assumptions.

Why was it immediately assumed that I was an arsonist from only a slight appreciation of fire and explosives? After all, I could just be a pyromaniac with tendencies for destruction, which, in my opinion, is vastly different in so many ways that I could probably spend four hours, 23 minutes, and 18 seconds detailing to unfortunate witnesses.

I think it is very safe to assume that I have nothing to do with any fire-related incidents. In the incredibly unlikely chance of a neon orange truck abruptly exploding in an entirely accidental burst of flames, I would assure you that I am not currently in possession of any steel gray propane powered blowtorches found in the area of the incident. Anyone with further questions should probably forget them.

his jagged hand, tentatively unscrewed the cap, and took a cautious first sip. I saw unexplainable things. Among them, I saw a world drinking only the normal SmartWater, a world content with the faint taste of comfortability forever. Suddenly, I wanted to curse this world and its seemingly perfect pH levels, for underneath the surface, its people appeared to have no purpose. This SmartWater world rocked me to my four and a half year-old core.

Still, I will always remember that first sip. That first sip was truly terrible; yet somehow, my second sip became a little bit easier, as well as the sip after that. Now, 12 years later, I am still feeling the impact that Dasani has left on my life. I am a better man today because of that soothsayer in the eyepatch, and the truths of life I have discovered through his lessons have been of immeasurable value. He and Dasani have taught me to indulge in being uncomfortable for it brings greater truth and purpose into a SmartWater-ed world.

If I could be completely honest, there is always the possibility that this whole story was just a deliberate scheme to get you to read more of Pinewood’s incredible newspaper, but I implore you to take the lessons of this narrative with you, wherever you go. And who knows, maybe when you find yourself alone in a park with a fortune teller and some bottles of water someday, you’ll know who to thank.

Pinewood’s Updated Alien Apocalypse Protocol VIOLET REGRETS Getting Into This Mess

Illustration by ELIZABETH AP LANG

When watching an alien apocalyptic movie, have you ever asked yourself why the main characters are so comically underprepared and doomed from the start? Head of Upper Campus Gabriel Lemmon has asked himself this question many, many times and is determined for Pinewood to meet a different fate.

“One of my all-time favorite movies is ‘Independence Day,’ made in 1996,” Lemmon said. “However, it is very disturbing to see how underprepared Bill Pullman was, and I fear that that could be the fate of Pinewood if I were to do nothing. Every time I watch that movie, I want to throw my popcorn at the screen because of how clueless the president seemed the whole time.”

Because of this, Lemmon has decided to take matters into his own hands and prepare Pinewood for the inevitable.

5 Ocean Ambassador Club’s Straight Facts

THE PURRRRENNIAL April 2023

“It could come tomorrow or in 10 years, but I will not go down as the principal that saw the downfall of Pinewood School,” Lemmon said.

Preparations are already underway, with a giant sign being shipped from Europe saying “Welcome Aliens.” The hope is that the sign will distract the aliens long enough for students to escape through a spiderweb underground system that is currently in the early stages of production. Each classroom will be equipped with a hidden door on the floor that leads into a tunnel system that feeds onto Fremont Road.

Upon hearing the code phrase “guys, there’s an alien invasion going on” on the loudspeaker, Pinewood students will maintain an orderly fashion and sprint to the latch of the door; pictures of the alien ship are recommended for educational purposes. Any students left behind are expected to disguise themselves as aliens to avoid capture.

There is always a chance that the aliens could be amicable, in which case Lemmon has decided to draft a separate plan.

“My other, preferred plan is to invite a few alien exchange students into each grade at Upper Campus,” Lemmon said. “The foreign culture, language, and history of an alien species could be a fresh restart for the Pinewood community; in fact, I would be very open to learning new customs and making new friends.”

However an alien invasion may unfold, it is clear that the Lemmon is determined to make a lasting impact on Pinewood’s history. One can only hope that Pinewood is able to break the chain of terrible Hollywood apocalyptic movies.

Oil Dump Scandal

SIMON PRAWN Staff Crustacean

On Mar. 15, 2023, numerous documents were discovered among the possessions of Assistant Head of Upper Campus Haley Hemm. They indicate direct involvement in the Oceans Ambassador’s cover up of the scandal now being named Watergate. The evidence points directly to an oil laundering scheme on a million dollar scale.

“We needed the funds in order to purchase an extensive array of taxidermied turtles for the living rooms!” Hemm cried as she was dragged by the police.

“And a drywall so that Sam and I have to see each other as little as possible!”

As she was rightfully carted away, many students felt relieved. Hemm, along with junior Makena Matula, biology teacher Monica Ventrice, and the rest of the Ocean Ambassadors’ Club members were arrested on March 25.

“I was wondering why they were collecting plastic straws,” Alex Randall, a local “bird watcher,” said.

“That’s why they asked me for the spare crude oil I had lying around,” an anonymous local “bird watcher” said.

Thus far, the two crimes that Hemm and her entourage have been indicted for include breaking all four treaties of the Geneva Conventions and creating a hostile work environment for whales.

The charges could lead up to life in prison, along with preventing any of the members within 500 feet of water.

Artificial Intelligence Takes

Illustration by ARON RACHELSON

Mr. Mark’s Job

ROHAN PARALEGAL Staff Lawyer

In a shocking turn of events, computer science teacher Haggai Mark has been replaced by a robot powered by artificial intelligence (AI) and has been relieved of his teaching duties. The decision was made by the school administration in an effort to streamline the education process and bring consistency to the program.

The robot was created by tech startup SmartEdu and is housed in a large metal case weighing in at around 300 pounds. It is the company’s first major release, and they hope to improve on it in the coming years.

According to the company website, SmartEdu aims to “replace every teacher in the nation.”

“I’m stunned,” Mark said. “I knew this would happen one day, but never to me.”

Mark, who has spent the last few semesters pushing for the development of AI, did not realize that its fast progression would quickly lead to the downfall of his career.

“I’ve spent years helping to spread knowledge of the topic only for it to come in and sweep me away,” Mark said as he dwelled in disbelief.

Not wanting to leave Mark unemployed, the Pinewood administration offered Mark a position to regulate and keep the AI robot in line. However, citing his own self-dignity, Mark has decided not to take the position. To make matters worse, a student poll showed that

The hostile work environment charges are likely to lead to a class action lawsuit headed by whales to secure better ocean rights. The United States is planning to retaliate with carpet bombings if whales step one foot on land. Whales have countered by saying they have no feet.

“The infraorder Cetacea do not possess feet or the necessary body parts to step on land,” a Moby Dick LLC member said. “Additionally, the United States government continually uses violence and forgoes the necessary diplomacy to maintain relationships.

They refuse to get their feet wet when it comes to whale politics” Mrs. Hemm’s multi-million dollar scheme worked by purchasing oil and oil insurance, using that oil to poison fish, then harvesting the remains and claiming the necessity for the oil insurance.

This scheme was used on a wide scale of multinational corporations in order to secure a large amount of money.

“We were simply trying to increase the speed that fish reached industrialization,” Matula said.

Matula was able to afford the bail — it was set at two whale corpses.

“Fish have a hard time collecting oil because their sleep schedule is messed up,” Matula said. “That shouldn’t stop them from succeeding.”

Photo by

MCCORMICK SPICES

99% of the student body thought that AI-led learning would be more effective than teacher-led learning.

“It will be chaos without me,” Mark said. “Within two weeks, the school will be overrun by this experiment.

Within two months, humanity will be at war, and within two years, we will cease to exist.”

While Mark’s concerns of AI taking over the world did bring pause to school administration, they decided

that the AI robot was not a threat after they asked the robot if it felt any hostile feelings towards humanity, to which the bot responded, “Not at the moment!”

According to a study by Harvard, AI will be able to teach computer science 150% more effectively than any human teacher could. In an effort to deliver only the best education to its students, the school decided to incorporate AI-led learning into their curriculum and cut out Mark. Pinewood hopes to set a new precedent in education for other schools to follow.

To make matters worse for Mark, he has spent the last few months preparing for a new course, which the school was set to offer in the fall. The course was intended to take a much deeper dive on AI and was titled “Artificial Intelligence: The Ethics and Dangers.” The course was set to involve hands-on learning experiences including a week-long field trip to Google’s data center in the fields of The Dalles, Oregon. The trip would allow students to see how easy it would be for AI to infiltrate Google’s security deficient servers. After much deliberation, the school has decided to retract this course offering due to a conflict of interest.

As for Mark’s future, he will be joining the National Security Commission on Artificial Intelligence in the coming months, looking to restrict the technology that overcame him in any way he can.

6

THE PURRRRENNIAL April 2023

Confirmed: SLC is a Cult

Illustration by ARETHA FRANKILN

SALLY WHO SELLS SEASHELLS

BY THE SEASHORES Staff Tongue Twister

What originally was a joke is now a full-blown conspiracy theory coming to life. When I joined the Student Leadership Committee (SLC) in my junior year, I thought I was taking the next steps to becoming a well-rounded, insightful and critical thinker, clear communicator, self-motivated, and respectful individual of character in the Pinewood community. Little did I know I was not joining a committee — I was entering a cult.

My sister, a former SLC President, convinced me to join, citing her own personal “growth” and newfound appreciation for “spirit” as motivators. However, as my time in SLC continued, I slowly discovered what really made her change.

Initiation starts with small asks, innocent comments, and subtle nudges. Then they want more. The asks get grander and more humiliating: come to school in a fullblown supervillain costume? Trash the pristine school hallways with green and gold strips of paper? Hand out free food with a scary cheery attitude at 7 a.m.? Get your friends and schoolmates to join you in showing “school spirit”? What the heck!?!?! They get more and more absurd and personally degrading, yet we do it.

SLC and the other student council members parade into school, decked out in ridiculous getups with plastered smiles and a craving to create peer pressure and gain new disciples.

“Our goal is simple: we ‘encourage’ our students to fully participate in Pinewood ‘spirit,’” Director of Student Life Kyle Riches said.

Riches, also known as High Priest Riches, orates his teachings of self-motivation and constantly spirited attitudes to all the student council members every Wednesday for 40 minutes. He preaches about creating a feeling of belonging that can be brought on by silly unmatching outfits and participation in rights of passage (including tug-of-war and trivial trivia).

SLC’s most recent scheme was the Lip Sync Battle, where they utilized peer pressure and hip hymns to promote violence. SLC used the blood spilled during the grade-level battles to power their resurrection of the school mascot, Perry the Panther. Now, he roams the hallways and devours any unspirited students.

“Student spiritual salvation has finally been made a graduation requirement,” SLC Secretary Prisha Mohapatra said. “Praise be! We are not a cult… just a system of beliefs meant to guide us students and make us truly spirited sheep, who scream in our Panther Pit unashamed.”

But SLC has taken the WISCRs too far. Our students need to be spirited, but SLC’s fanaticism needs to be stopped. If people actually start participating in SLC’s “spirit” activities, the community will be completely converted. But conforming is not the new norm — be “spirited” at your own risk!

Want to check out more knee-slapping articles?!?

Read the online version of The Perennial at theperennial.org or follow the QR code!

Conspiratorial

Journalism’s Crypto Scheme

SAM THE MA’AM Staff Ur Mom

Recent rumors have alleged The Purrrennial, Pinewood’s student newspaper, to be an organization that functions solely through unpaid, involuntary child labor used to further Journalism advisor Sam Jezak’s crypto mining agenda.

As a result of these rumors, senior Vincent Chen has theorized that the power outages that occurred March 16 and March 17 at Pinewood were not due to the high winds, but rather a consequence of Jezak’s psychotic crypto mining tendencies. He believes that Jezak crypto mined so much to the point where he depleted all of Pinewood’s electricity, estimating the aftermath of Jezak’s crypto mining frenzy to be around $110,000 in power bills, which equates to roughly one Bitcoin.

“The high winds were definitely staged by Journalism students as a cover up for Jezak’s crypto mining failure,” Chen said. “They also wrote that one article about the winds impacting Pinewood students, teachers, and admin just to make their cover up more believable, but who’s really buying it? Not me.”

Other members of the Pinewood community, rather than defaming Pinewood journalists, are worried about the wellbeing of said journalists. According to the U.S. Constitution, First Amendment rights are guaranteed by all government-owned entities, but not private entities — and because Pinewood is a private school, students’ First Amendment rights are not protected. Community members are suspecting that student journalists have not been vocal about their mistreatments because they have been forcefully silenced

by Journalism advisors.

When approaching senior and Editorial Director Sally King in the lunch line for a comment, she wrote the letters “p,” “h,” “e,” and “l” on a physical Bitcoin and handed it to me. However, because I am not good at unscrambling letters, I could not figure out a logical combination for those four letters that would actually make sense. If you would like to help me in solving what this cryptic mystery word could be, feel free to contact me at childlaborandcryptoluver1234@pinewood.edu.

Other extremely reliable sources have reported that they’ve personally seen Pinewood journalists mining

cryptocurrency in Room 17 from 3-7 p.m. on the last Monday and Tuesday of every month during “layout,” which is supposedly a period of time in which all journalism editors congregate to create the print version of the newspaper. But rather than working on anything related to journalism, these extremely reliable sources speculate that “layout,” in reality, is a reference to the layout of Pinewood’s Wi-Fi network — and during “layout,” student “journalists” are actually hacking into Pinewood’s top-secret, super confidential Wi-Fi Map to track down the spots on campus that are the most optimal for high-speed crypto mining. These extremely reliable sources also believe that these students are being compelled against their will to engage in these illicit affairs without any sort of compensation, under the threat of having their fast lane lunch line privileges revoked.

When chasing Jezak in the hallways for an interview after seven ignored Google Chats, he gave me a glare, declined to comment on the situation, and stomped down the hallways in his ground-shattering gray Vans — so instead, I sought out Journalism advisor Kim Wetzel in Room 17, where she was holding a lunch meeting with her Journalism students. She insisted that she does not know about The Perennial’s crypto mining endeavors.

“Journalism is always a jolly good time for everyone with no child labor or crypto mining involved!” Wetzel said as she stuffed a child into the closet for selling too much of her Bitcoin stock.

Protesting child labor, censorship, and unethical crypto mining practices, Pinewood students have started three trending hashtags — #childlaborisnotokay, #screwcensorship, and #ihatecrypto — on Twitter. See the hashtags for more information on how you can help fight for justice for these student journalists.

Photo by SLAYKA OELSCHIG

Protecting the Pojo Perch® SOPHIA YA-OUCHIE Staff Pain in the Behind

Pinewood literature teacher Ellie Pojarska has officially copyrighted her iconic Pojo Perch®. The Pojo Perch® is Pojarska’s infamous sitting position on the back of her chair.

Since the name was coined by Pinewood alumni Aaron Movshovich, the term has grown to become a cultural cornerstone of Pinewood’s community and an iconic piece of Pinewood’s linguistic history.

Pojarska chose to trademark her iconic sitting position because she claims that the posture is actually extremely damaging to the spinal development of Pinewood students. By trademarking it, she hopes it discourages students from adopting this “bad habit.”

“It’s actually not a great position to sit in,” Pojarska said. “It can have negative effects on your back and stunt the development of precious teenage bones. I also hope that the punishment for copyright infringement allows for more literary appreciation of the ‘Sound and the Fury.’”

For context, the punishment for sitting in this position is rereading

the entirety of the “Sound and the Fury” by William Faulkner and understanding all of it, even the Quentin chapter. Pinewood junior Kaelyn Smith vows to never sit in the Pojo Perch® ever again.

“Reading the ‘Sound and the Fury’ was the most painful experience of my life,” Smith said. “I’ve never had to think so hard just to understand three words in a row.

This has definitely discouraged me from sitting in the Pojo Perch®.”

However, other students believe that there might be a more sinister side to the trademarking activity.

Pinewood junior Karina Aronson believes that with the influx of new teachers, Pojarska may be trying to assert her dominance as a Pinewood icon.

“Yes, [Pojarska] probably cares about the spines of her literature students,” Aronson said. “But with all the new staff joining the Pinewood community, the reigning Pinewood icons may have their status challenged. Maybe this trademarking situation isn’t directed to the students, but rather to the staff.”

Pojarska has not responded to

these claims.

However, other students also believe that Pojarska is valid in her decision to trademarking her iconic Pojo Perch®. Pinewood senior Sally King thinks that this copyright is a symbol of Pojarska’s impact on Pinewood School and her everlasting legacy in the community.

“Pojarska has been a pillar of strength in the Pinewood community for so many years,” King said.

“I’m glad the Pojo Perch® has been copyrighted because it feels like an official representation of her cultural impact on Pinewood literature students.”

Illustration by NICK DASH

THE PURRRRENNIAL April 2023

Conspiratorial

A Proposed Return to Illiteracy KARRY ON SON Staff Ur Dad

Humanity has come a long way since the time when we communicated through grunting and crafted weapons out of sticks that we used to hunt the next day’s lunch.

With communication and global interconnectedness has come knowledge, innovation, and, of course, the internet. The internet, a source of neverending useless Twitter fights and even more useless cat videos (which I will continue to send to all my friends), can be blamed for many of the problems that plague modern society like our miniscule attention spans, declining mental health, and “lack” of time.

To rectify this ever persistent problem, I recommend that we target the root cause of the problem: literacy.

We need to stop teaching children to read.

By simply not teaching them how to read, any anxiety or tension caused by knowledge would simply dissipate, ultimately creating a society that prioritizes blissful ignorance. Ignorance will be inextricably tied to future generations’ wellbeing.

Today, while violence and famine still exist, mod-

7

ern literates face an additional challenge their ancestors could barely imagine: the internet. If children were not able to read, the internet, a looming void which is always threatening to drain our attention, mental space, and time, would simply have no appeal or even be a viable option that they could explore.

Future generations would never spend a frankly concerning amount of time typing and retyping messages to their crushes, fretting over their use of punctuation.

Future generations would never experience the disorientation after coming to the realization that they just spent multiple hours down a Wikipedia rabbit hole.

Unable to understand even basic words that would help direct them to video apps like YouTube, society would improve as people would have copious amounts of free time, unshackled from the internet.

To release ourselves from this prison of our own design, we need to stop teaching the children to read. As a society, we should wholeheartedly embrace the lifestyles of our ancestors who lived in a time where drawing on cave walls made someone considered “highly communicable.”

Literary Statistics

According to very reliable sources outside of the Perennial’s own perfect staff

68.9% of the students and teachers at Pinewood make reeding errors daily

Photo by SAM PHEASANT

LIT BRAWL CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1

watching and frantically scribbling in a notebook. Strand said she was writing a poem about the unfolding fight. Her poem will be published in Tabula Rasa’s next issue.

“I mean, it was like a real Shakespearean sword fight!” Strand said.

“I only wish we had scheduled it to be during Celebration of Literature Week, because that would have gotten us some really great publicity.”

According to a press release from the school administration, Wells and Schreiber will need to reconcile their differences by writing haikus for each other and spending at least

three hours per week discussing literature.

Literature teacher Patricia Welze, who heard about the fight after it happened, proudly said she was not shocked by the incident because of the many years she’s worked with Wells and Schreiber.

“I’ve known David and Eric for so long, and they’re some of the most passionate educators I know,” Welze said. “This incident just exemplifies their true dedication to the subject of English. Yes, they got a little violent, but, what good book doesn’t have a fistfight or murder scene?”

METH SCANDAL CON- calling in sick much more often than normal, which caused students TINUED FROM PAGE 3

and betrayal has led both Hudson and Ventrice down a dark path.

As both teachers await sentencing, Pinewood School is forced to find two new science teachers.

However, many questions remain. Are the stains on the walls of the science classrooms evidence of the teachers’ many crimes? Is there more money to be found on the Pinewood campus? Have other teachers been committing crimes?

All will be answered when the two go to trial in the coming months.

“My number one rhetorical device, which hasn’t changed since I was a schoolboy, is metaphors,” Schreiber said. “To be honest, now that I’m thinking about how much I love a good metaphor, I understand where [Wells] was coming from... He was just defending something important to him. I’d go to war if it meant preserving metaphors in an English curriculum.”

Additionally, students said fellow writing teacher Sabrina Strand was

Infuriated by her partner’s decisions, Hudson took it upon herself to become even more infamous than Walter White.

When the name “Hudsonberg” began to trend on the streets and social media, the power and fame got to her head.

Hudson became more careless, hiding money at Pinewood and

and teachers to become concerned.

However, everything changed when Ventrice was caught smuggling her last few bags of money into her Tesla Model Y in the campus parking lot.

She was reported to the police, and forced to work with the Drug Enforcement Association to take down her colleague and former friend.

This story of partnership, dreams,

Illustration by AERONAUTICS

LIARS! Recent reports have tipped off The Purrrennial that certain faculty members are hiding their true origins. Working with the Illustrator Aeronautics, we have captured these persons of interest in their true forms. If you or any other community members have hunches about other imposters in our ranks, please email us at DisneyDetectives@ pinewood.edu and notify the local authories.

8

THE PURRRENNIAL

Ball Pits Installed in Classrooms for Stress Relief IAN HOISIN SAUCE Staff Condiment

As high schoolers grow older, their test anxiety exponentially increases, but as it turns out, reverting to childhood play toys can ameliorate their situation.

Because Pinewood has seen rising stress statistics, they came up with a solution to ease the lives of students. The program allows students to choose to take their exams in a ball pit filled with glorious, enormous balls that can de-stress any person by just a glimpse of the pit. Pinewood teachers thought of this idea after seeing how effective one stress ball could help a student calm down. They noticed how the bright colors of the balls were able to mesmerize and distract students from their overwhelming emotions.

The logic was that more balls would be even more effective.

“The plastic balls have a circumference of 50 centimeters, and the ball pit will be about 15 feet in diameter, the right size for about 20 students to test at once,” Assistant Head of Upper Campus Haley Hemm said. “It will be in place for three experimental years.”

Ball pits would be placed in every classroom, and this program will begin at the beginning of the next school year. The ball pit theme will be “Cocomelon,” a popular children’s television show with entertaining nursery rhymes. Amentities like water guns are part of the ball pit so students can distract their classmates by squirting the water guns. Additionally, students will be sent to a timeout area if they are misbehaving while in the ball pit. These students will be forced to wear a dunce hat and do the chicken dance while kneeling on the rough, patchy ground.

The goal of the harsh punishment is to deter students from being too disruptive.

Some students were chosen to test this program for efficacy, and they had to pinky promise that they would keep the new program a secret. However, one brave soul was willing to share some information with The Perennial. The result from the test subjects surprisingly showed lower stress levels and higher grades. After the test, students were allowed to play in the ball pit, which was very rewarding after their grueling hourlong test.

“I had never felt more confident in taking a test,” freshman Billy Lloyd said. “I was flabbergasted at how easily I finished the test, and in the end, I got a perfect score on the mock exam.”

Sin & Tan

April 2023

Teachers Run Amok as Shakespeare Characters LARA PARROT Staff Imitator

Even the most talented conspiracy theorists have not been able to understand the root of this transformation of teachers becoming Shakespeare characters, but they speculate that it has something to do with Literature Week.

Victim #1: Literature teacher Eric Schreiber. “Schreiber” has transformed into Feste, the “fool” from “Twelfth Night.” Feste is portrayed as unconventional, witty, and wise.

“Schreiber” now gives each student a tremendously complicated riddle before each class, with no right answer. Riddles are supposed to strengthen the cerebral cortex as they challenge one’s thinking and analytical skills, but my brain cells feels like sore muscles after an intense workout.

As the Feste incarnate, it’s also no surprise that “Schreiber” spontaneously breaks into song and dance in the middle of class. Whether it’s during an exam or lesson, “Schreiber’s” song and dance to “Love Story” by Taylor Swift is inevitable. This is an unconventional way to teach, but it’s somehow quite effective.

“It’s weird, but, since Schreiber started singing to us, I remember our books so much better,” freshmen Esha Joshi said.

He even taught my class how to do

Elizabethan dances. However, there’s a twist: if we mess up a move, he deducts 5% off our total grade.

Victim #2: Literature teacher Patricia Welze. Welze has become the “fabulously evil” Lady Macbeth, a character recognized as infamous and ruthless.

The new “Welze” now has a very unique grading system. If a student participates sufficiently in her class, she praises them while berating every-

Thornson said.

In the middle of class, “Welze” often tries to wash the blood off her hands, mumbling about death.

“Overall, Lady Macbeth isn’t too bad of a teacher, although sometimes it feels like she’s attempting to overthrow [Head of Upper Campus Gabriel] Lemmon,” Thornson said. I once walked in on one of her dramatic monologues about becoming king.”

Victim #3: Literature teacher Holly Phillips. One day, an eighth grade literature teacher, and, the next, one of the most famous Shakespearean characters: Juliet Capulet. A few days after her transition, her students noticed that she started to repeat one phrase over and over again, “O Romeo, Romeo. Wherefore art thou Romeo?”

Forget teaching, “PhilPhoto by A-VERY GREAT HALL lips” had a whole wedding one else. However, later, she purpose- planned out with a set registry, menu, fully fails the student “just because.” and venue. Many students were quite Rightfully so, students are terrified of concerned, as she was longing for “Welze.” someone fictional. “Phillips” briefly She’s like a rose with alluring looks mentioned that Romeo was banished and sweet smells, but when you get to an island in the middle of nowhere, too close, you get stabbed in the back. and is desperate to find out where he Figuratively of course. Sounds famil- is. iar (Macbeth and King Duncan)?

The magic of Literature Week can “Having to listen to several pas- make anything possible, and in the sionate speeches about our cowardly end, there’s “Much Ado About Nothnature, I figured that something in ing.” her had changed,” sophomore Marley

Science Experiments in Pinewood Classes Endanger Unsuspecting Students ANDREW SANG Staff Performer

Science Department Chair Kim Hudson has approved an action granting faculty the authority to utilize students as human subjects in potentially life-threatening experiments.

This unprecedented twist has garnered the attention of many involved in the school’s community, especially students currently taking courses in the hard sciences. Many individuals have cited the United Nations’s Universal Declaration on Bioethics and Human Rights while criticizing Hudson’s decision, claiming the welfare of humans should take priority over the interests of science. Though faced with overwhelming criticism, the science department shows no sign of retracting their actions. To Hudson, nothing matters more than gaining recognition for her work, even if she turns evil in the eyes of the public.

“Human experimentation is what we need to take the next step,” Hudson said. “I don’t really care what the United Nations think. It’s my way or the highway.”

Hudson has recently finished the development of her latest concoction: a brew that supposedly turns humans into a Ramsey Canyon leopard frog.

“Well, Ramsey Canyon frogs are one of many endangered species in the United States,” Hudson said. “I

want to rebuild its population, and once I acquire enough student-frogs, I will release them into habitats found in the Bay Area. ” Though Hudson claims her work possesses no faults, students have had little to no change in their physical appearance besides slightly greener skin.

However, a bad case of the stomach

to win the Nobel Peace Prize, an obsession dating back to her collegiate days. Despite such controversy, her influence has spread, starting with chemistry teacher Sarah Prestwood.

In a similar fashion, Prestwood has begun her own experiments, utilizing chemistry students as human subjects. She is motivated only by her responsibilities of promoting the well-being of her students. Dubbed “Prestwood’s Punch,” she claims the brew delivers the benefit of IQ increase to its drinker, which will help them succeed academically. Prestwood also advises those to ignore the amounts of mercury in the concoction. Unfortunately, participating students have experienced nothing more than a mild rash and an unending case of the hiccups.

Local experts are currently looking into the symptoms, but Pinewood School claims Photo by MAKENA MATOOL BOX the symptoms are caused by bug may just be the cause. Hudson’s students and their addictions to their plan has collected an overwhelming phones. number of complaints from students Currently, Hudson and others are and parents alike. She has displayed being hailed as pioneers by some in genuine shock towards the opposi- the growing field of bioethics and tion, surprised that the Pinewood human experimentation. Howevcommunity does not willingly want er, doubts about the nature of their to become frogs. Luckily for her, she work raise a question: are they simply now possesses the power to enact her crazed fanatics or actually courageous plan. Many suspect her only goal is scientists?

THE PURRRRENNIAL April 2023

Neither Artistic Nor Cultured

9

Behind the Suit: Who Could Perry the Panther Be?

Junior High Student Council Embezzles Bake Wars Funds DERRICK HAIR-IS Staff Barber

ARETHA FRANKLIN Staff Singer

In a tumultuous, month-long scandal that has rocketed the Pinewood community, two junior high student council members diverted funds from the annual Bake Wars fundraiser to front-row seats to Taylor Swift’s sold-out Eras Tour.

The funds were stolen by eighth grade student council President Isabella Wang and Publicity Representative Camilla Shtrom, both of whom have spoken at length about their love for Swift and how they would stop at nothing to get floor seats and merch for the concert.

According to reports from this scandal, they saw their opportunity when organizing the junior high Bake Wars, a fundraiser hosted annually to raise money for charity. This year, the eighth grade beat the seventh grade earnings by over $2,000. Wang and Shtrom took this as an opportunity to divert the funds to the Eras Tour tickets.

When brainstorming potential charities to donate to at a student council meeting in January, Wang immediately suggested that the funds should go towards a charity named “The Archer.” When questioned about the charity, which most students hadn’t heard of, Wang said that the charity is helping build rehabilitation centers for traumatized puppies. The student council unanimously agreed to donate to this charity, and the funds were sent. This plan was working all too well until another student council member saw that Shtrom’s account name “sparklepony1989” was on the donation’s GoFundMe page. By that time, Wang had already used the funds to buy exclusive floor seats to the Eras Tour.

“Isabella forced me to do this to follow a long line of Bake Wars embezzlement,” Shtrom said.

After learning this jaw-dropping information, I reached out to Wang for a comment multiple times, but I was not given a response. Shtrom’s jaw-dropping statement begs the question of how the student council has been stealing funds and why no one has done anything.

The student council advisors have not been able to get the money back from the GoFundMe page but believe they will be able to soon.

Wang and Shtrom are expected to resign from their student council positions. Vice president Riya Srivastava will take Wang’s place as the new student council president.

Known and beloved by all, Pinewood’s renowned Perry the Panther can typically be seen on the sidelines during school assemblies. Whether it be dancing, cheering, or posing with fans, Perry the Panther is able to do it all while simultaneously keeping a secret identity. To this day, there has yet to be an official reveal of the beloved mascot, which leaves it to us to figure out who, or what, is inside the Perry suit.

From many meticulous hours of gathering intel from insiders privy to Perry’s whereabouts, I’ve deduced a top three list of who and what Perry the “Panther” could possibly be.

Perry the Platypus Being able to keep one’s identity a secret for so long is no easy feat by any means. The art of confidentiality can only be mastered by a true secret agent — such as Perry the Platypus. Being able to sneak out without anyone catching a glimpse of what’s under the mask is only doable with the skills of one particular platypus.

But everyone makes mistakes. In Perry’s case, using only one name for two secret identities was a fatal mistake. Turns out even the best of agents are still fallible.

JoJo Siwa

Yes, the beloved singer and dancer we all know and love, JoJo Siwa, could in fact be the beloved Perry the Panther. How else do you think Perry the Panther is able to dance so well in the Panther Pit? It’s because JoJo Siwa is inside the suit. Now that the secret is out, expect to hear a catchy solo from Perry/JoJo at your next assembly.

Shuri, Princess of Wakanda As the Black Panther, Shuri has many responsibilities and duties to keep up with in her day-to-day life, one of them being Pinewood’s very own Perry the Panther. When she’s not protecting her kingdom of Wakanda from Avenger-level threats, she’s here at Pinewood, dishing out moves in the Panther Pit for school assemblies.

But no matter how much we theorize about the identity of Perry the Panther, the fact remains –– no one OM Photo by ROSE FR S HE knows who’s behind the Panther suit.

AS THE

Arts & Crafts: Four Things to Make Using Those Annoying Turf Balls From the Field

KATIE MAY-ER Staff Month

Pinewood Upper Campus’ fields are infamously home to some of the most annoying creations known to humankind: thousands upon thousands of tiny, green plastic turf balls. For weeks on end, these turf balls invade our shoes and latch on to our clothes, antagonizing us when we should be calmly learning. Making art with the turf balls is a positive way to reclaim spoiled school days.

1.

2.

Bead Curtain: Due to the volatility of fads, you can never be sure what your peers will find cool. One reliable constant, however, is a bead curtain.

Channel your inner hippie by gluing the turf balls along lengths of string.

Once complete, tape your strings to the top of your bedroom windows or doorway for a unique take on a popular decorative accent.

Baby Rattle: Welcome a newborn into the world with a homemade rattle.

For this thoughtful gift, fill one-half of a plastic Easter egg with turf balls before snapping it shut. Glue a leftover dowel rod from the gender reveal cake to the bottom of the egg to serve as your handle. When finished with the structure of the rattle, paint it with bright colors to make any baby squeal with joy.

3.

4.

Zen Garden: When the turf balls become too overwhelming, unwind with a custom compact zen garden. For the soothing sand, pack an empty plastic takeout container with your abundance of turf balls. Then, add decorations like mini drink umbrellas or pebbles from your backyard to decorate your sandbox. Now, trace patterns into your new garden for ultimate peace.

Confetti: After a long evening of extracting clingy turf balls from your shoes for creative art projects, use the excess to throw yourself a party. The size and shape of the turf balls are perfect for convenient confetti. Grab a handful of the balls and toss them into the air! They might get stuck all over you again, but that’s the circle of life — you can just make new crafts with them.

Illustration by SKYLAR POOEY

10

THE PURRRRENNIAL

Made by S(p)am Karina is represented by a stick figure because she was off whipping up batches of lemon buttercream to sedate us.

I, Raghav Ramgopal, Am

DUMPLINGSSSSSS!!! (kinda) SALLY WHO SELLS SEASHELLS..., SAM AND THE SUNG, KARRY ON SON, SOPHIA YA-OUCHIE Staff Tongue Twister, Staff Ur Mom, Staff Ur Dad, Staff Pain in the Behind HANNAH MONTANA Staff Ram

Everytime I walk on campus, I feel like a fraud. Everyone knows me as Raghav Ramgopal. The academic weapon. The person who enjoys raiding the Snack Shack until all of the double chocolate chip muffins disappear. The person who enjoys eating Cheetos while chugging a refreshing, cold carton of choccy milk (yes, it’s actually good, and, no, I will not take any hate about it). But, many don’t know that I am living a lie. No one knows that I am Hannah Montana.

You see, 10 years ago, when I was a first grader exploring all that life had to offer, Billy Ray Cyrus approached me.

“Now that my little Smiley may or may not be off to college — no one is allowed to know — I want you to take her place as Hannah Montana,” Cyrus said with a deep, raspy, Tennessee twang.

So, I snatched the wig from Cyrus’s hands and put it on. Magically, I became. . . Caucasian. No one could have ever realized that a sixyear-old was going on stage in front of millions to perform some of America’s favorite hits. I truly got the best of both worlds. Every shoe in every size and color, and $134 million! Life was exciting for a while. . . until it wasn’t.

In my 10 years as the blonde, teenage, Caucasian girl that has traveled into the hearts of millions around the world, I have had so many exciting adventures. I was invited to sing at the VMAs. I was invited to sing at the GRAMMYs. I even won a couple — four, to be exact — myself. I even sang for Congress! Yes, Diane Feinstein and Nancy Pelosi enjoy my music. But, I want to do it all as myself. I don’t want to keep this secret barreled up in me any longer. The world should know Raghav Ramgopal as the four-time GRAMMY winner and chart-topper. Not some made up, magical girl.

So, here I announce my relinquishment of this blonde wig. I renounce the $134 million.

I renounce the best of both worlds. I want one world to be the best: the world of Raghav Ramgopal. I will be sad not to perform for a while, but this will be a good time for me to find myself. But, VEVO, if you want to hit me up, I’m willing to sign a $134 million contract!

Photo by KAELYN STONESMITH

Citing the all powerful Wiki, a dumpling is “pieces of cooked dough. . . often wrapped around a filling.” So using our cupcake batter as our tasty, crusty dough and our delicious, fresh (and definitely not squishy) fruits as our delectable filling, we decided to make some truly innovative dumplings.

Why did we decide to do this?

SH: To be honest, I have no clue. I don’t know how to bake. I was just there for the experience and the free food.

SK: It was my ingenious idea. I take all the credit. :D KA: I’m still really confused as to why we did this. However, I was along for the ride (and to make sure nobody burned my kitchen down)!

SY: We’ve spent so long critiquing other people’s food and cooking skills that we felt it was our turn to flex our own kitchen creations. I think we decided to start with baking because cooking is a little advanced for us.

How did you expect this process to go and how did it actually go?

SH: I expected it to be rough, harsh, and absolutely horrid. Surprisingly, it wasn’t that bad, mainly because Karina did all the baking. I cracked one egg, was proud of myself, and called it a day after that. ALSO SALLY DID NOT PULL ANY WEIGHT EITHER SO SHE CAN’T EVEN BE CRITIQUING ME (see below).

SK: As expected Karina was our overlord. She barked orders to us and we scurried like mice to execute them (well, only some of us pulled our weight — *cough, cough Sam*). Trusting Karina’s supreme judgment and vast wealth of fancy food knowledge, we did good?

KA: Unfortunately, I had exceptionally low expectations. I watched Sophia crack an egg horribly wrong and then I took over.

SY: I definitely didn’t expect it to go smoothly, since Karina is the only baker in the bunch and she can’t control us three crazies. Needless to say, it was definitely a wild ride from top to bottom.

How were the cupcakes?

SH: Great. Probably got diabetes from eating so many of them.

SK: Absolutely delectable. Except for ones we baked fruit into — those were soggy and leaked all over my hand.

KA: Kinda hard ngl. However, the buttercream and copious amounts of sprinkles made it much better.

SY: I’m one of those people where if it’s sweet enough, it’s edible. As long as I smeared enough of Karina’s lemon buttercream frosting on the cupcake and didn’t think too hard about it, the cupcake tasted yummy!

What was your most valuable this experience?

SH: That Sophia can’t crack an egg.

SK: Karina makes bomb buttery frosting — would highly recommend it!

KA: Cracking an egg is a life skill.

SY: I can’t crack an egg.

takeaway

from

Photos by KARRY ON SON

Why Happiness Week Makes Me Miserable ANNABELLE BE EATING A Sandwich

Cookies painted with smirking yellow faces. A petting zoo full of snarling behemoths. Students running around laughing — or are they?

The so-called “Happiness” Week descends upon Pinewood with its bright yellow exterior and sinister slogan of “You Deserve Happiness,” but it’s clear that Happiness Week signifies something much, much darker.

Is Happiness Week a distraction from the 8 billion tests that always line up perfectly with each new day of torture? Do teachers always wait in anticipation for a few students to get their heads bitten off by demon-dogs or die of food poisoning from mediocre boba?

Underneath the mask of teachers who always seem to be a bit too smiley, Happiness Week is a carefully-concocted scheme to push students to the brink of misery and depression.

“I know there’s something dubious going on here,” sophomore Audrey Liao said. “I just don’t think it is possible for people to be this stupidly excited and disgustingly smiley — the dry cookies can’t hide what they’re really doing.”

Head of this scheme is none other than School Counselor Stephanie Fugita. According to Fugita, the first step in creating a successful Happiness We e k is the complete and total isolation of students. If a student feels like they are the only one that isn’t happy during Happiness Week, they must conform or they

will be eaten alive by the “mental-health” dogs that Fugita brings in to “help” and “calm” students.

“Eventually, I will win,” Fugita said. “Every student will join my group of zombie-minded chucklenuts. No one can stop me.”

For the students that escape Fugita’s hawk eyes, misery is brought to a new level when they discover that all of their compatriots have turned into mindless laugh-factories and that school no longer has educational value.

“With laughter as our priority, the teachers won’t have to teach, the students won’t have to study, and all I will have to do is sit here promoting ‘mental health’,” Fugita said.

Because Pinewood couldn’t even handle its students before the advent of Happiness Week, the state of the classroom has now gone from bad to worse.

“Day in, day out, I can’t hear myself think anymore,” junior high writing and literature teacher Kelly Spicer said. “Might as well just join the cacophonies of choking laughter and obnoxious snickering.”

With some additional Reddit hunts and Twitter rabbitholes, I think I know just who pushed Fugita over the edge. There is a government agency helping schools permanently indoctrinate students. The Child Indoctrination Association (CIA) has helped over 5,000 schools across the United States become garbage processing factories, foodie clubs, and even underground child labor networks. Pinewood got creative and is using Happiness Week to fool everyone. Happy students, “de-stressing,” and laughter only point to one thing: the CIA. Is Happiness Week a larger scheme to launder money or brainwash students? I can only assume it is.

Happiness Week is advertised to the students of Pinewood Upper Campus as a time for mental health awareness and wellness, but it is safe to say that I’m not buying it, and you shouldn’t either. It’s a tool of mass educational disruption and can only succeed in making school that much more miserable.

Photo by ROSE FROM THE ASHES

11 2023 Olympic Games

THE PURRRRENNIAL April 2023

Karina’s Kiosk

Critters in my Cheeseburger?

to Be Held at UC

hot lunch transitions to an all bug menu

DALOOV GOOPTA Staff Museum

JAKE REINDEERS Staff Sleigh Expert

Every day, Patricia Zuniga, a member of the support staff at Pinewood, sees the same stunned look on the faces of students. The grimaces and mutters are constant when she helps serve the daily lunches in the kitchen. With lunch options often topping $8, she can’t help but notice the rate at which student account balances are decreasing.

This prompted her to take action.

“I had to help the kids who deserve better, cheaper food,” Zuniga said. “I wrote an email to [Head of Upper Campus Gabriel] Lemmon and Epicurean detailing my proposal to make lunch options healthier and tastier at this school.”

Lemmon was full of praise for Zuniga’s idea.

“I’m going to be honest, the lunch here doesn’t taste like anything,” Lemmon said. “That’s why I always order a daily chalupa with McDonald’s fries.”

Lemmon also said that he’d been in contact with Epicurean, and both sides had decided to upgrade to a new menu.

“From now on, Pinewood will be serving an assortment of insects,” Lemmon said with excitement in his voice.

After those words, no one ate lunch for two weeks. Pinewood students took detours around the school kitchen to avoid contact with the fried bugs. Some of these deviations include students using the turkey, a path around t h e school, to get to class. Another

unorthodox path is on the roof, where four students have already been hospitalized due to their falls. However, after a couple stu-

dents a l lowed their hunger to get the best of them, they tried the new $5 Cricket Caviar. The stunningly flavorful experience prompted a schoolwide frenzy for the unique meals. A student favorite, the Fly Soufflé, sold out in just a couple minutes. When asked why this new menu was working so well, Zuniga was endless in her plaudits for the revolutionary idea.

“I was hoping this plan would work, and after a while, it did,” Zuniga said. “A quarter of the world’s population is already eating bugs, so I thought to myself: Why don’t we?”

It turns out that eating insects is simply better for the environment. Insect farms produce 96% fewer emissions than livestock farms. They also don’t need to be tended to nearly as much, and they reproduce at a rapid pace, meaning there is essentially unlimited food. Furthermore, they provide the same amount of protein as meat along with maintaining a delicious taste.

Many schools around the world have now introduced dishes such as the ones served at Pinewood, into their daily menus.

In a couple years, it is likely mealworms w i l l be our greatest source of protein.

Bugs By the Numbers

According to super trustworth surveys by The Perennial staff who AREN’T terrible at stats

300,000 lbs of bugs cooked daily reported satistifaction 99.9% ofwithstudents the new Epicurian menu (From Top to Bottom) Photo courtesy of KITCHN, JONNY B PEST CONTROL, THE CONVERSATION, AND THEONI COLLECTION

Kim Hudson, in her Mad Scientist Era?

RACHEL FAR-HOUDINI Staff Magician

A fuzzy, greenish brown, bulbous organism is sending out warning signals via its noxious stench that wafts through the halls of Pinewood. In the name of science, biology teacher Kim Hudson is harboring what appears to be a secret virus in the back of her classroom. Fear, just like the virus, is bubbling and sprouting inside the students at Pinewood Upper Campus.

Hudson says the reason for breeding the virus is purely for educational purposes, but rumors have been floating around, and Hudson is unwilling to share too many details. It seems Hudson may have offered up Pinewood as a lab for the government to secretly work in to test this new virus, as after the COVID-19 pandemic, the government has been trying to gauge hu-

When you think of the Olympics, you think of grand ceremonies, thrilling battles until the final buzzer, and competitive clashes between countries on the biggest stage on the globe.

The mind-boggling madness of the Olympics comes to town this summer, hosted by a local school in Los Altos.

Pinewood School beat out Paris, Tokyo, Beijing, Sydney, London, Athens, Rome, and Berlin to be chosen as the next location for the global gauntlet of international athletics. The Best Operational Supreme Supervisor (BOSS) of the Pinewood Olympics will be Head of Upper Campus Gabriel Lemmon. Lemmon will lead the competition, overseeing all the various events ranging from basketball to surfing.

“What could go wrong?” Lemmon said.

Six grades of world class athletes have been training for months to represent their grade during the Pinewood Olympics. However, rivalries have sparked in recent weeks between grades, leading to fierce conflict on and off the field.

At the end of the last seventh grade versus eight grade qualifier soccer match two weeks ago, an all-out brawl followed a missed call. The fight resulted in eight red cards and 15 yellow cards being issued. Both groups were quick to blame each other for the conflict.

“I am aware of the high tensions between the grades,” Lemmon said, “but I think it’s funnier to let them fight it out.”

BOSS has a foolproof plan to transform Pinewood’s campus into a luxurious land of competition.

“We will be completely demolishing the Junior High Quad,” Lemmon said. “I’m talking explosives, wrecking balls, the whole thing.” Lemmon intends to conduct the wreckage and destruction during the most important week of the semester — finals week.

“I think the destruction will help our students focus on their e x a m s ,” Lemmon said. Lemmon adds that students will have to navigate around the massive cranes and demolition crews on campus during the duration of the restoration.

Lemmon said that he intends to transform the wreckage into a luxurious Olympic Village for all athletes competing in the Pinewood Olympics.

Freshman athlete Mailey Wang was elated at the opportunity to compete in her hometown. Wang will compete for the freshmen girls volleyball team throughout the course of the tournament.

“I can sleep in and still make it to my game on time,” Wang said. Wang added that she couldn’t wait to face the seniors in the tournament.

“They get to go off campus for lunch, and I just don’t think that’s fair,” Wang said. “I am gonna take it out on them.”

The cutthroat competition has just begun, with six grades battling it out over the course of a full month and vying for a championship on the greatest land the Olympics has ever seen.

“This is going to be a mess, but it’s definitely going to be funny to watch,” Lemmon said.

man response to viruses similar to that of COVID-19.

“I just. . . um, like science,” Hudson said. “I mean, yeah, it hasn’t really served a purpose in my lessons yet, but it’s all for educational purposes.”

It is currently unclear whether or not this experiment has been sanctioned as an educational tool by the Pinewood administration. Either way, students are growing extremely wary. The virus is not subtle with its loud stench cramping the biology room.

Senior Anna Grillo, a previously keen biology student, has stopped showing up to Hudson’s class.

“I just finished watching ‘The Last of Us,’ and that thing growing in the back of the room makes my skin crawl,” Grillo said.

Students are fearful that media and reality may become too reminiscent of each other as the hit HBO show, “The Last of Us,” is super popular among students these days. The show darkly portrays an apocalyptic world where a fungus has taken over and rots peoples’ minds and bodies. The worry is that Hudson’s

virus has a similar agenda.

There is still much to know about the life brewing in the back of Room 19, but Hudson is a beloved teacher, and we are hopeful there is a great payoff for this great risk. Still, maybe it’s best to play it safe and avoid exposure to the microorganism as much as possible.

Photo by MYLES RACCOON

2 Cash for Grades

1

THE PURRRRENNIAL April 2023

ARJUN SELTZER Staff LaCroix

In a shocking move that left parents and educators baffled, Head of Upper Campus Gabriel Lemmon announced a new incentive for students who achieve high grades and test scores: cold, Photo by SAM PHEASANT hard cash.

“We believe that GRADE INFLATION Senior Vinstudents should be cent Chen happliy receives a $20 rewarded for their bill from high school math teachacademic achieve- er Scott Green after performing ments,” Lemmon well on a calculus exam. Chen is participating in the admin’s new said. “By offering push for higher test scores. cash incentives, we hope to motivate students to strive for excellence and reach their full potential.”

The initiative employs a three-pronged approach: test scores, class grades, and final exam scores. To be eligible for a $100 reward, a student simply has to achieve a 90% score in any of these categories.

As expected, the announcement of the incentive program has caused quite a stir among students. While some are excited at the prospect of earning cash for their hard work, others see it as a cheap ploy by the school to boost their test scores.

“I don’t know how I feel about this,” junior Ethan Roh said. “It’s cool to get paid for getting good grades, but it feels like they’re trying to buy our success.”

Junior Vishesh Ranganathan expressed concern over the potential for inflation.

“If everyone in the school is suddenly getting all this extra money, won’t that drive up prices?” Ranganathan said. “I can see it already: The snack shack doubles its prices for gummy bears. Lunch costs $22 a day. The microwaves become pay-per-use. I’m worried about the economic implications.”

Despite the initial skepticism, the results have been nothing short of astounding. According to statistics published on the school’s website, the program has led to a staggering increase in mean test scores and mean GPA. “We knew that the cash incentives would motivate our students, but we could never have imagined just how effective they would be,” Lemmon. “We are proud to say that our students are now performing at levels that are quite literally not possible.”

One high school student, who asked to remain anonymous for his own safety, has more than doubled his GPA to an astronomical 7.4 since the program’s inception.

However, this sophomore’s stellar performance has now instilled fear in the administration that his success may drive the school into bankruptcy.

“While it’s great that he’s been so motivated by the new program, we weren’t expecting such a response when we budgeted for it,” Lemmon said. “We are looking into ways to compensate, but might have to increase tuition to stay afloat.”

While the administration has more mixed feelings over the new policy, teachers are loving the ways the initiative is changing the classroom.

“It’s like the students are teaching themselves,” chemistry teacher Sarah Prestwood said joyfully. “Even before the bell rings, they’re all in their seats reading the textbook for the lesson. It’s made my job way easier: I can just sit around and watch them while they learn about organic nomenclature or buffer solutions all day!

They’ve even been asking for more tests in an attempt to qualify for the rewards.”

As the saying goes, money talks. And, in this case, it seems to be saying, “Study harder.”

Noobs

Lemmon the Launderer

VISHESH RANGER Staff Wildlife Expert

tors found medical reports detailing that Lemmon was injured so frequently practicing his hobby, that if he BREAKING NEWS: Pinewood has been uncovwere to do so again, it would need to be in the ered as a money laundering scheme. This has come presence of a highly trained professional. as a fright to everyone except a select few faculty “I can neither confirm nor deny this,” and staff, led by none other than Head of Upper Lemmon said in response to the reports.

Campus Gabriel Lemmon.

When Ventrice was questioned about An investigation led by the Los Altos Police her role in the scam, her answers seemed Department has revealed that Lemjust as surprising as Lemmon’s. Ventrice mon, along with biology teacher claims she was roped into the scandal Monica Ventrice and possibly while walking past Lemmon’s office and others, have been masqueradwas offered the chance to join in. ing as a legitimate institution “Eh, why not,” Ventrice said in refor almost three years now. sponse to why she did it. “Honestly, I “We are currently holding was going to use the money to become Lemmon in an interrogation the greatest botanist this country has room, but have not been ever seen, but that is not really able to crack him,” Chief of possible anymore.”

Police Angela Averiet said.

This event has left the whole When he finally broke, community in shock, questionLemmon gave a simple aning the legitimacy of the schoolswer. turned-crime scene with varying “I was bored,” Lemmon said. “I Photo by HANNAH MONTANA reactions among teachers and stuwas getting too good at my job and MONEY, MONEY, MONEY Lemmon dents. Math teacher Sara Dorset wanted some more excitement.” poses for a photo with his profits. complained that she was not inLemmon was urged by authorcluded in the scheme. ities to meticulously detail his endeavors, so he ex“I wish I could have been a part of the scam because plained the whole story. He revealed that it started I really loved the show ‘Ozark’,” Dorset said. “I hope back during the pandemic when everybody was placed they did not have too much fun without me.” into fully remote learning. With no bright PinewoodOn the other hand, students took it quite lightly and ian faces to keep him company, he came up with the were unbothered. disastrous idea.

“So, do I still have my calculus test tomorrow?” ju“I needed some spice in my life, so I started fun- nior Arnav Gupta asked when he first found out about neling money for my own personal gain, mainly to the scheme. It’s safe to say that he did not, as Pinefund my lifelong unicycling hobby,” Lemmon said. wood has been suspended indefinitely.

“Surprisingly, it takes a lot of money and time to learn “You will regret the day you messed with me and my unicycling. Who would have thought?” dreams of unicycling,” Lemmon said as he uttered his When sorting through Lemmon’s records, investiga- last words before being dragged off to his cell.

Students Crash the Hemm/Jezak Wedding CHRISTINA DO NOT SAY Staff Secret

Beloved history teacher Sam Jezak and Assistant Head of Upper Campus Haley Hemm recently tied the knot in Santa Cruz, California. Originally planning a small, intimate wedding ceremony in a picturesque location, their plans were quickly disrupted when dozens of Pinewood students showed up uninvited, armed with confetti, balloons, and party poppers from none other than the infamous Party City.

As the bride and groom exchanged vows, the students snuck into the ceremony and began chanting, “JEMM! JEMM! JEMM!” They threw confetti in the air, danced on tables, and even started a conga line around the venue.

Sophomore Jolyn Ding took it as far as to take the job of officiant Father Peter Pabst, stealing the officiant’s book and continuing with the pronouncement.

This was extremely out-of-character for Ding, who was likely absorbed in the moment.

“I just wish students showed this much devotion when attending their studies or church,” Pabst said.

Meanwhile, Hemm embraced the presence of her students and saw it as a blessing that she would not

WEDDING CRASH Students dance with the bride and groom after crashing their wedding.

give up for the world.

“I am just glad they were there to witness this beautiful moment, even if they were being a bit rowdy,” Hemm said.

Jezak, who has always been open to his students about his personal life, admitted to the abundance of love he felt while surrounded by his students that day.

“They are always such a spirited bunch, aren’t they?”

Jezak said. “If only they could put this much passion into their schoolwork.”

Hemm eventually gave up and joined the festivities, to the delight of the students.

“I will admit it was so fun to see [Hemm] dancing with us students, especially to ‘U Can’t Touch This,’” said one of the uninvited students, who would like to stay anonymous. As the night went on, students and teachers alike continued to party, much to the annoyance of the newlyweds’ family and friends.

When the night came to a close and the students made their way home, the couple was left to clean up the mess and reflect on the unexpected wedding day they just experienced.

“I would not have had it any other way,” Jezak said.

“Our students constantly keep us on our toes.”

Photo Illustration by SAM PHEASANT