The MQ Volume 28 Issue 2

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

October 27, 2021

“There’s a heart beneath the boobs, and a brain beneath the wig.”

- Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

Volume XXVIII Issue II

Now with 14 percent more asbestos!

Breaking News: Animal Spotted in Local Forest

IN THIS ISSUE GIRLS WITH CRYSTALS REIGNITE SALEM WITCH TRIALS

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RA BUSTING PARTY ACTUALLY BUSTS LECTURE

4

OH NO! THE MQ IS IN A HORROR MOVIE

6,7

EMILY QUEUE: HALLOWEEN EDITION

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POST-IT ART RESULTS IN STOP AND FRISK POLICIES

11

NEWS IN BRIEF PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA

“It’s like a Pokémon... but real,” explained Buttage.

BY JOHN OVERTON

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Staff Writer

ate on Thursday night, UCSD sophomore Peter Buttage noticed an unidentified animal in a eucalyptus grove near Geisel Library. “I don’t know man, it could’ve been, like, a squirrel, or Bigfoot, or something,” elaborated Buttage.

For Buttage, a computer science major, the sighting was awe-inspiring. “It was crazy, bro — I thought I was in like Narnia or something,” said Buttage. “I’ve only ever seen animals on the Discovery Channel. It was moving out from behind a tree, and then it noticed me and flew away.

I didn’t know coyotes could do that.”

Immediately following Buttage’s “ludicrous” incident, hundreds of similar animal

sightings began flowing in at an alarming rate. One of the witnesses was fourth-year Sophie Green, who reported, “Yeah, I saw a lizard run across the road when I was walking to my dorm after class. It was weird, ‘cause, like, I live here!

Not you, lizard!” Another report came from 46-year-old La Jolla resident Chelsea Brents: “I was on a hike, and I saw a bobcat. I was really scared, because you don’t usually see animals unless you’re in a zoo — that’s what zoos are for, right?”

For Brents, this was cause for great concern, prompting her to post her story on the La Jolla chapter of Nextdoor. Brents’ post received hundreds of “thanks,” as well as thousands of replies from her neighbors detailing similar sightings. “The general consensus is that

these sightings are unnatural, and a sign of more dangerous animal encounters to come,” explained Brents in a follow-up post.

In response to the sightings, some La Jolla residents have started taking protective measures against wildlife home intrusions, despite the small number of verified animal sightings in La Jolla in the last 50 years. Some of these protective measures include adding extra locks to doors, reinforcing windows with half-inch steel bars, and installing motion-activated cameras commonly used by hunters. Gerry Smith, 95, went so far as to furnish his La Jolla property with six-footdeep trenches, barbed wire, and a mounted machine gun.

When asked about his home defenses, Smith told reporters

“The animals! From all directions! The Krauts!”

In a press release issued by the La Jolla City Council following the upset caused by Brents’ post, Wildlife Management official and Park Ranger Kevin Yearling explained, “It is important that we stay safe while in animal-infested areas.

These animals are encroaching on our natural habitat and making their homes where we live. They are armed and dangerous. I recommend that everyone carries a large stick, some pepper spray, and perhaps a grenade launcher whenever they go outside, so they can make sure to wipe any potential threats off the face of the earth ... though on second thought, we should contact President Biden to order a preemptive drone strike on these dangerous forests.”

Khosla Releases New “Crypto And Kitchen Exchange” Plan to Replace Dining Dollars

PHOTO BY JACK YANG “I dont give a shit about all this talk of legal tenders,” said Hamburg, “I just want my goddamn chicken tenders.”

BY SEIJI YANG

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Staff Writer

n light of the campus-wide dining crisis, Chancellor Khosla announced last weekend a wave of sweeping reforms for the Housing and Dining program, starting with the

replacement of Dining Dollars with a on-campus cryptocurrency exchange. Under the new Crypto and Kitchen Exchange (CAKE) program, UCSD dining plans have been changed to new “dining portfolios,” with students picking between Tritonium, Geisel Libcoin, and

the Chancellor’s own branded cryptocurrency, KhoslaCoin.

The crypto-culinary change came soon after student complaints about high dining prices and wait times flooded HDH offices. After a brief experiment converting Dining Dollars to Triton

Cash failed to alleviate concerns, the Chancellor’s Office released an official report detailing the immediate replacement of student accounts with the “revolutionary

See KhoslaCoin, page 2

PIZZERIA EXPERIENCES GAS LEAK

WE COULDN’T PRINT A GREAT TIT

The whole place is flooded with carbonara monoxide

So here’s a chick with nice legs

SUN GOD TO BE DEMOTED TO SUN EMPEROR In what was described as a “shocking turn of events” by students, it was found that walking backwards under Sun God three times had no statistical relationship to grades; it was a lie invented by the Stuart Art Collection to remind students of their existence.

Now UCSD’s beloved deity, symbol, and friend –– Sun God –– is stepping down from his position and will henceforth be known as Sun Emperor.

Students clamored for an official demotion due to Sun God’s “lack of performance.” As such, a spokesperson for the disgraced God-turned-Emperor confirmed that the construction around Muir is being done to facilitate this

change, starting by resizing the pedestal, removing the gold paint, and replacing the crown “with a funny little hat.” Overall, Sun Emperor’s mighty bush will be trimmed down by a sizable three inches. “He really couldn’t afford to lose that many inches,” said a construction worker, “but I bet he’ll rise again to his full glory after getting worshipped by multiple students around finals week.”

Sun God Festival will retain its name, as Sun Emperor no longer has the power to change it. King Triton is reportedly “very pleased,” stating that the art installation “needed to be reminded of who the real mascot is.”

SURFER CRASHES AFTER CATCHING WAVE THAT WAS ALSO A PARTICLE Local surfer Brad McBroski reportedly suffered injuries in a surfing accident, leaving him in a state of superposition. As McBroski was catching a “nuking wave,” someone on the beach measured the wave’s position, thus collapsing it into a particle. This freak event, which has only been observed in research labs, has shifted tides in the physics community.

Due to the Heineken uncertainty principle, a surfer superstition, the onlookers knew McBroski was moving very fast, but they had no idea where he was. Until

paramedics found him, McBroski was simultaneously alive and dead.

After McBroski was found alive, his ride to the beach and “dude in arms,” Homie Simpson described the event. “Dude. it was gnarly, it was grommin’, it was bodacious, it was schlorpin’, it was schlurpin’, it was boogie-woogie-Ebenezer-Scroogie...” Simpson continued to list adjectives for 30 minutes.

Following this “radical” event, McBroski was recruited for a study in which he was repeatedly fired at a double slit.

WOMAN UNFORTUNATELY NOT HAUNTED

BY COOL GHOST –– JUST HER PAST “It’s horrible, I might go insane,” claimed Daniela Rumour. “And not in the fun way where you look artfully disheveled, shrieking in the moors, overcome by the trappings of society and womanhood.” “No,” Rumour explains, “this is much more insidious.”

“I keep on seeing these notifications on my phone.

‘See yourself 5 years ago with those bangs, Daniela,’ my phone tells me.

‘Oh God, all of those little hashtags you’d add to all of your Mancrush Mondays, just to make sure we all knew you were being ironic,’ my friend reminds me.

‘Oh haha Daniela, remember when you watched and

live-tweeted that sports anime, thinking that your thoughts deserved to be seen by your eleven followers?’ my mind curses me.”

Rumour goes on to bemoan her fate. “I just want my every waking moment to be judged and found wanting by a supernatural shade, but I have to do that myself. I can’t be both the haunting and the haunted.

I’ve got bills to pay.”

It is a constant struggle, Rumour admits, but she is hopeful that “even more social media” will induce “a sort of brain rot,” that will numb her to anything, even time.

See BRIEFS, page 11

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theMQ.org

October 27, 2021

Movie Producer Approves Movie Adaptation of Its Novelization

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH “If you haven’t read the book and watched the movie, you’re not going to get this one,” claimed one fan.

BY THEO ERICKSON

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Staff Writer

n their newest press release, Tantamount Studios has given fans a sneak peek of their next hit blockbuster: The Dark Time: Resurrection, which will be an adaptation of the New York Times’ seller of the same name, written for a previous film’s novelization.

“You got that right,” said producer Nathan Loper. “This will be the pinnacle of regurgitated media — nothing new, nothing unwanted. Every audience’s dream.” A quasiprequel to the novelization of the 2019 film The Dark Time, this movie will take its place in a long line of adaptations, sequels, and prequels based on novelist Brett Peter’s 1972 Horrible Henry collection of short stories published in the now-burnt-down office of Sci-fi to Scare You! magazine.

“We’ve seen such an incredible response to our recent adaptations of adaptations of Peter’s novels, so it only made sense to continue tapping that vein,” said

Loper. Loper has produced adaptations for six of Peter’s works, rebranding such titles as Horrible Henry, Hilda and Marta Go to Magic Zoo, and Unfinished Untitled Something About Jupiter’s Moons I Don’t Know We’ll Fix it Later, into The Dark Time: Resurrection, Love Me Love Menagerie, and his crowning epic to date: Eclipse the Moon.

“It means so much to us that we can bring Peter’s more obscure works into the spotlight again,” said Loper.

“You can really see how he’s developed since the 70’s — or, well, I guess how we’ve developed his developments.”

Peter, who died in the fire that burned down the Sci-fi to Scare You! office building, left no will or family to object to any rebranding of his stories. Some of Peter’s stories survived only because the garbage truck was late in getting to the literary critics’ submission box that day.

Loper hopes that this film adaptation of the novelization of The Dark Time will

give those reviewers a chance to reconsider, but remarked that, ultimately, these movies are for the fans “who’ll spend money on these things no matter how pissed the magazine grouches get.”

“The Dark Time was the first chapter of a story we’ll be telling for a long time,” added screenwriter Vick Shine. “Henry is such a complex icon, and after the novelization, we realized we still had so many stories to tell. So, in Resurrection, we’re really digging into the origins of why he’s so horrible.” The Dark Time: Resurrection is set three years previous to the events of the original film’s novelization, and follows Henry as he climbs the short corporate ladder at a New Jersey glue factory, after a throwaway line in the novelization mentioned he liked the taste of stamps.

Early reviews have been largely positive, suggesting Resurrection will follow in the footsteps of other highgrossing Peter adaptations.

The original The Dark Time

profited about $953 million at the box office. On its success, Loper said, “Adaptations of Peter’s work have been so popular because they provide a kind of constancy in today’s uncertain times. Maybe the theaters are dying like a fish on land, but if you open Netflix you can bet your life the front page is a Peter film.”

Loper has a history of approving profitable film pitches in an unpredictable industry, which may contribute to his unusually long career as a film producer. When asked for comment on his audience, Loper responded, “Every day I’m walking this tightrope, so come hell or high water, you’re going to see another Peter movie. The last guy who took a risk on the job is now smoking ten thousand cigarettes a day to power the studio’s fog machine. Every morning I kiss my wife and beautiful children goodbye, and I send my lawyer my daily farewell voicemail. But hey, that’s Hollywood!”

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

KhoslaCoin

state-of-the-art crypto exchange system.” The report also boasted of plans to demolish the Gilman Parking Structure and introduce a massive “KhoslaCoin Mining Megafarm,” a renovation which will cost 255 million dollars from loans according to projections.

While the university has yet to issue an official summary of CAKE’s effectiveness, student responses have been less than enthusiastic. A particular concern has been the volatile nature of the dining portfolios. “I woke up this morning with three thousand dollars worth of KhoslaCoin,” lamented Jack Hamburg, a first-year who purchased the “Khosla’s Blessing” portfolio. “But when I went to order food, the value of my account had fallen to nine dollars. I’m still not sure if I should hold, or just spend it all on a Triton Burger at Café Ventanas.” Continued drops in crypto value during lunch hours have only further increased tensions. A few similarly-minded undergraduates, fed up with being unfed, staged an impromptu protest outside 64 Degrees, some waving cardboard signs proclaiming “Only Legal Tender for Chicken Tenders.”

But not all students have showed scorn at the new system. Marcus Zukburger, a CS major from Warren, has spent most of his spare time in the Dungeon to mine extra crypto for his dining portfolio.

Zukburger claims to have already amassed a small fortune through the CAKE program.

“They keep the Supercomputer Center locked up,” Zukburger laughed, with an expression on his face as glazed as the donut in his hand. “Think of all the KhoslaCoin I could mine with that!” Having wired the doors shut, Zukburger plans to remain camped out in the Dungeon until the end of the week, much to the displeasure of disoriented CSE students seeking shelter from the light of the sun.

As Friday drew to a close, campus crypto dropped to a new low, putting many into the red with their portfolios.

Some student attitudes toward the situation have been resigned. “We’re all going to end up in debt from tuition anyway,” one economics major declared. “What’s the difference if we also starve alongside it?” Hungry for real change, undergraduates have taken to gathering daily outside the Chancellor’s Complex, waiting for news of a rollback.

But when asked to comment on the effectiveness of his new plan, Khosla only bit back with a stinging retort. “Here’s something for you to chew on: which one of us has enough business experience to know what works? This new cryptocurrency system is going to revolutionize UCSD. Down with dining dollars, I say! Let them eat CAKE!”

10,000 laughs to set him free

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Muir Quad.

Editorial Board Editor-in-Chief.............. ......Aniela Drumonde Managing Editor.........................Andrew Sitko Content Editor.....................Varsha Varkhedi Ass. Content Editor............Isabelle McKelvey Ass. Content Editor................Matthew Ware Design Editor.....................................Bri Arce Design Editor.............................Miranda May Graphics Editor...........................Sharon Roth Graphics Editor............................Maria Dhilla

Social/Publicity Chair....................Jacob King Copy Overlord...........................Adian Valdez Web Editor........................................Jerry Wu Distribution Captain.............Adam Yoshinaga Distribution Lieutenant...........Kaz Nuckowski Installation Wizard..........................Jack Yang Self-Proclaimed Fun Aunt..........Natalia Nenn Muir Advisor.............................Mario Garibay

Staff Members

Can and will hurt your GPA

Henry Ashcroft Ayushi Banerjee Mariah Barrios Connor Betterly Shantelle Brooks Yuri Bukhradze Jade Coniglio Emily Cronan Melina Cruz Tuesdays at 6 p.m. Muir Quad. Rani Das Theo Erickson

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council.

In this, our second issue of the MQ, I’m thinking of all the missed opportunities surrounding me. I could have embedded hidden messages in all my EIC notes. I could have done a different theme each time, or different time period. But no, I decided to be sincere. Why am I being sincere in all of my EIC notes for a satire newspaper? I need to face the consequences of trying to live a truthful life, full of real meaning. I was a fool. So — onwards.

This has been a wonderful issue. In a shocking turn of events, we had too many articles to fit in the paper; every single article here was written by a staff writer. We received a deluge of articles, some even sent days before the deadline. Days! Before the deadline! Special, spooky thanks to our editors, who sacrificed their articles on the altar of “web-only content,” in order to carve a spot in the physical paper so that we could showcase the new blood. Make sure to check out our website! Enjoy.

Max Fine Tiffany Hamilton Gabrielle Hart Ashley Jones Tommy Jung Matthew Kane Jeannie Kim Jina Lee Keshav Mittal Madeline Mozafari Chiara Ng

John Overton Tomoka Ozaki Bryce Pollack Sophie Pubb Mike Raucci-Crane Pranav Reddy Alex ReinschGoldstein Everett Ririe Pilan Scruggs Farhad Taraporevala

Mackenzy Tolliver Arthur Torres Quoc Tran Nicole Tsuyuki Benjamin Velasco Robin Brewin Paige Johnson David Umgebung Seiji Yang Millie You

Booster Club The ship full of frontiersmen landed on the planet of Xerius, funded by a wealthy serving of Dining Dollars. The group consisted of the following: the grounded mercenary team who planned, fought and led; the specialists who tracked; and the wealthy clients who bumbled about happily, in awe of the horrid planet. The casualties started when Kaz, a specialist, stopped the group and warned of the bubbly crust of the planet ahead, to which half of the clients, in their jovial state, carelessly ignored the caution and fell through the planet’s surface into a molten pit. Jeannie, Seiji, Everett and Henry were erased without a trace, but their dining dollars continued to fund the mission. The rest of the donors, akin to scared lambs, ran into the dense forest — frightened. The mercenary team and specialists flew after, resulting in the casualties of specialists Matthew and Sharon, and mercs Adian and Jack. The group trudged back to camp, only to realize that donor John had left the food supply open, leading a massive Gropnok to their stead. Mercs Andrew and Aniela attempted to defend specialists Bri and Jerry, but were eaten up in the process. Lone survivor Connor, a client, walked the surface for three days until collapsing due to the lack of water running on the planet. No one will remember their names, except for you, dear reader. Keep

Aniela Drumonde

this close to your heart.

October 27, 2021

theMQ.org

Girls With Crystals to Reignite the Salem Witch Trials

Page 3

The MQ Rates All the New Dishes HDH Introduced to Save Money

Pork-it-Yourself

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH

“Tarot cards? This is a taro latte,” said one of the “witches.”

BY EMILY CRONAN Staff Writer

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elf-proclaimed “witches” are over fire after burning crosses, voodoo dolls, and other Wiccan imagery began popping up across universities. The spooky sightings have created a domino-effect of holistic hysteria across college campuses.

Historians are comparing the happenings to the Salem Witch Trials, which lasted from 1692-1693 but are “eternally in our minds thanks to high school productions of The Crucible,” according to a student from SDSU. “Who doesn’t have fond memories of 25 virgins and drinking a lot of Sprite?”

Cambridge professor and viral TikTok historian Dirk Spirits has spoken about potential causes of the resurgence in witchcraft: “The effects of spooky season and New Age spirituality have

been resurrected through the likes of cult films such as Donnie Darko and The Craft, and now that global warming is at an all time high, people are looking for alternative women to blame and maim.”

Two sophomores from USC known as McKenna and Little Bo Creep gained national coverage over a controversial TikTok where the two women harassed a McDonald’s cashier in an attempt to “remove her from the mortal coil.”

Rather than apologize, the two women attempted to “summon Satan in their hatchback convertible,” and were joined by dozens of young women in the drive-thru in accusing the employee of witchcraft. Debra Gaggins, the cashier in question, stated, “The girls began accusing me of devil worshipping, when I am in fact a very spiritual woman and lifelong member of the Church of Scientology.” The two students then “cleansed” the drive-thru

by burning sage and playing the Wicked soundtrack on a bluetooth speaker.

The resurgence has particularly touched Greek life.

Fraternities at a number of universities have begun dressing as Puritans to ward off women on campus who wear winged eyeliner and own tarot cards. Chad McGee, a brother of Elon Kappa Bezos at SDSU, has spoken on this phenomenon. “Girls are scary, and they’re only getting more powerful for all the wrong reasons!” said McGee. “First the right to vote, then the #MeToo movement, and now posting infographics about hating men. My brothers and I are working with sororities to host a trial on Halloween, where the accused will be punished with either the guillotine or a Midsommar reenactment.”

This statement has prompted outrage from the College Socialist Party at SDSU, who argue that “the fraternity should

face the guillotine themselves, since it is a symbol of class warfare and namely associated with Sofia Coppola’s 2006 film Marie Antoinette.” Others responded with glee, particularly from young women looking to perfect their “Florence Pugh pout.”

Social Psychologist and Etsy shop owner May June has researched the “bippity boppity boom” of witch accusations, calling it the “Harry Potter to Problematic Pipeline.”

In an interview, June posited that “with millennials posing as proud Potterheads, Generation Z cannot proudly flaunt their wizard’s scars without Watergate-level backlash.

In turn, they have cast their angst onto anyone who will subtweet them.” Spirit Halloween stores and alternative milk aisles have been named as a neutral zone for local “witches” to hold seances, or refill their Hydro Flasks before facing execution.

UCSD Students Become One with Racoons During Dining Hall Crisis

This dish is an alive pig you have to catch, kill, and cook. Once you get past the moral quandary of slitting the throat of one of these cute little meat babies, you have so much culinary freedom! Bacon?

Pulled pork? Roast pig? The world is your oyster!

Well, pig.

“Filling, but the squeals haunt your nightmares”

Chicken Caviar This upscale cuisine option features the rare roe-like extractions, harvested from the exotic species of bird known as “le poulette.” Although a bit refined for our palettes, this dish’s gooey inside makes us want to swallow it one bite. A rare, special occasion meal!

“Minus one star for the cost”

Unscrambled Egg Wow! Our expectations were low, but we didn’t expect this. This dish is simultaneously bland and revolting, a feat previously thought impossible. It’s runny inside alone is enough to set off our gag reflex. We’re not even going to mention the salmonella we got.

“Absolute dogshit”

Nothing Bagel PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA

“This tastes like trash” said Vingh. “Thank you,” said the raccoon.

BY MILLIE YOU

Staff Writer his year, understaffed dining halls have struggled to provide service to a record number of students at UCSD. According to dining hall workers, the overtime alone has caused “severe, debilitating back injuries.” As a result, campus-wide availability of nutritious sustenance has taken a hit. In the wake of this unprecedented dining hall crisis, students have taken it upon themselves to find shortcuts, and have turned to the next best solution: food-thrifting.

“One man’s trash is another man’s breakfast, and believe me, the trash is everywhere,” said Matthias Hoon-Gary, 19, as he pawed through the nearest trash disposal chute. “This chute is one of many hotspots on campus where you can find half-eaten wings, moldy fruits and vegetables, and expired containers of market grub.

All popular commodities, free of charge!”

Students have flocked by the dozen between jampacked schedules to nab a

T

bite on the go, and the widespread accessibility has only caused a rapid surge in popularity. “What we are seeing here is a phenomenon based on...well, what essentially amounts to socially acceptable dumpster-diving,” said Mack Incheez, an expert on adolescent groupthink.

“Dumpster-diving” seems to have been redubbed “foodthrifting,” a trending hashtag in the online “Broke Student” Twitter community.

The similarities drawn between refuse enjoyers and UCSD’s de facto mascot animal have not gone unnoticed.

Racoons feature often in various Reddit dissertations and YouTube video essays explaining the food-thrifting lifestyle. Students have found themselves shoulder-toshoulder with these wild animals in their food-seeking endeavors, and while some have adopted food-thrifting for the sole purpose of petting their night-bandit brethren, others do not find the presence of raccoons favorable.

“A trash-panda cuddle pile

is cute, but I’d say the main appeal of this whole thing is the convenience,” said Star Vingh, 21. “To put it simply, a lot of us just don’t have the time to wait for our medium-rare Thai coconut chicken when we need to scooter 30 light-years to the nearest lecture hall. This lifestyle change isn’t about making friends with big garbage squirrels. It’s about efficiency, and frankly, the raccoons are just competition.”

The sentiment is not shared by Hoon-Gary. “Look, they’re really not that bad to work with. They show us the ropes around the dumpsters, have the same economic sense as us… Makes you feel like you’re not alone in the world. And if a raccoon cuddle-pile is what’s pulling more people into food-thrifting, great! There’s space in the community for all species.”

Pro-movement behavioral theorists say that “thrifting is a reinvigorated call to return to nature — an urban social movement of sorts, with the full blessing and active encouragement of UCSD itself.”

Soon after the movement became popularized, UCSD administration announced that changes would be made as an act of solidarity with the students. “We could not be any prouder that UCSD is home to resourceful, environmentallyminded students who devise long-term solutions to benefit the future. We sincerely hope that our efforts to streamline the university’s waste disposal system will direct a significant amount of half-cooked protein into designated areas around campus for your convenience. Happy thrifting!”

Such a change deviates from UCSD’s usual modus operandi, indicating an acceptance that food-thrifting will have far-reaching effects.

“This isn’t your typical TikTok trend,” Hoon-Gary says.

“I really think we got something going here, and it’s big, it’s growing, and definitely here to stay. If you’ll excuse me — a raccoon just stole my banana peel, and I need to get it back. He thinks he’s so fucking funny.”

Imagine everything you like about everything bagels and then imagine a bagel without any of that. The nothing bagel (which is definitely not a plain bagel marketed as something new) is sprinkled with yeast, salt, flour, and is lightly coated with whatever moisture was surrounding it.

“Tastes better than nothing”

Less-agna When we first ordered this, we thought the overworked student employee had forgotten our meal.

Turns out, the dining hall worker only forgot our complimentary magnifying glass which we used to see the beautiful less-agna! Consisting of four 2 micrometer thick layers, each pipetted with tomato sauce and what we assume to be ricotta cheese, this dish is topped with a crumb of parmesan and garnished with a parsley leaf. This dish had us licking our tweezers.

“It tasted good but we still feel empty inside”

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theMQ.org

September 22, 2021

Defaced Lecture Hall Causes Quantum Controversy

Fighter Jet Flyovers of Campus to Increase

PHOTO BY YURI BUKHRADZE A random onlooker cried out: “It’s a bird, it’s a plane, oh fuck, it is a plane!”

BY CONNOR BETTERLY

U “I’m so confused, I thought hall was spelled with one ‘L,’” asked Macalou.

BY MIKE CRANE

T

Staff Writer

he UCSD community was met with shock last Wednesday after it was discovered that Bonner Hall had been defaced with “almost surgical precision.”

Mary Macalou, a first-year transfer student who first reported the vandalism, recalled the event. “I was on my way to Taco Villa to try their ‘Definitely Not Raccoon Meat’ tostada, and thought to myself, ‘There’s no way that’s right.’ I saw it before I ate the tostada, so it definitely wasn’t a hallucination brought on by my most recent bout of food rabies.” said Macalaou from her hospital bed, where she was admitted soon after the incident.

When pressed for comment, Senior Vice Chancellor of the Outside of Buildings

Scotty “Scott” Woodson stated, “It is the position of the University that defacement of property is a serious crime, no matter how funny it is or even how much it does or doesn’t exist on this plane of earth. I would also like to take this opportunity to remind all students they can consult the UC San Diego app for updates on approved forms of protest and self expression, and that any questions about parallel universes can be answered by both the physics and philosophy departments.”

A new forum on Reddit, r/bonersteinbears, has quickly gained popularity since the event. Their mission statement reads: “Nelson Mandela died in a prison in the 80’s, Kazaam was a real movie, and the Lecture Hall sign has been that way for years. What else is Khosla hiding from us?” Professor

Jeffrey Katzenfresh, Dean of the School of Theoretical Feelings, recently published a paper on the psychology of this group titled “Schrödinger’s Donger.”

“What we are seeing here is an example of mass hysteria around the Conceptual Phallus Phenomena,” Katzenfresh wrote in the paper. “To state more clearly, the intrusion, or breach of the social psychokinetic-consciousness of our studentry, has a distortion or warping effect that leads to regression and rejection and a truly held belief that truly held beliefs are all the rejection needed to lead towards a regression model consonant with the warping effect this has had on the kinetic-psycho-consciousness of our social network.” When asked for a clearer explanation of his paper, Professor Katzenfresh pointed to a sign hanging

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA on his office wall that read: “Screw You, I Have Tenure.”

Members of Citizens Unapologetically Marching have scheduled a protest this Friday in an attempt to keep the new name. Counter protesters are expected, most significantly from the Churches Holding Onto Decency Everywhere Association, who have had a strong presence at UCSD since The Great Condom Water Balloon Fight of 2017. The religious group are “not protesting keeping the new name, but instead are protesting that the name was ever something else in the first place.”

As of this Monday, the sign remains unchanged.

“Or,” said Macalou, heart rate monitor erratic, “The sign was never changed, and everything is as it was and as it always should be.”

RA Expecting to Bust a Party Accidentally Busts a Lecture

Staff Writer

CSD students have long dealt with fighter jets roaring over campus, but recently these instances have been ramping up as a part of a new promotional campaign by the Marine Corps.

Marine Corps Air Station Miramar sits less than five miles east of UCSD, and was the home of the TOPGUN training school for naval aviators, typically hosting the largest military airshow in the United States every October.

However, with interest among students in aviation on the decline and a second year of the air show being cancelled, Marine Corps representatives decided flyovers were the best course of action to rectify the situation. One marine remarked, “Some students think the Gliderport has the coolest flying around, but those paragliders are silent. We want the students to really feel the power of a jet engine reverberating throughout their chests as the afterburners engage.”

Naturally, a few students expressed dismay about this turn of events. “I don’t know, I just think it’s kind of important to be able to hear what your professors are saying,” said one first-year. Other students appeared more concerned with how it would bother them during conversations with friends, or distract them from their exams — or worse — their music. “This could be a total vibe-killer,” said one third-year. “I mean, it’s just like those annoying advertisement planes over the beach, but for the military. I can hardly think of anything worse!”

Certain professors seem even further distressed. Jett Roring, a well-respected physics professor, stated, “The microphones in my lecture hall are broken, and I have such a hard time projecting my voice with the mask on. My voice is all I’ve got, and if one more

plane flies over during class, I’ll have to — ” Roring was drowned out by a formation of F/A-18s before he could conclude his thoughts.

Though students and faculty might be annoyed, the director of the yet-again-delayed sequel to Top Gun (itself about the fighter pilot training school at the Miramar Air Station) Joseph Kosinski expressed support for the idea. “A big part of the reason we had to delay it was because there wasn’t enough hype within the student demographic,” Kosinski asserted. “None of them were there to see the original in theaters 35 years ago. This should help build anticipation for when the sequel releases!”

Kosinski also noted that the studio asked Tom Cruise to drive around the campus on his motorcycle, to stir up some excitement on the ground.

Pilots are thrilled at the opportunity to practice prolonged flight at low altitude.

One pilot familiar with the campus said, “I, personally, can’t wait to take a Polaroid of Falling Star as I’m passing over it while inverted. That would be a great shot! Especially if I could get a bird in the foreground.” He went on to mention how he would be careful to avoid getting too close to the north side of Black’s Beach, referring to that as the “Danger Zone.”

While this seems like “a perfect plan,” the campus and the Air Station are collaborating on contingencies in case students don’t feel the requisite “need for speed.” Chancellor Khosla appeared eager to outdo his predecessor, proclaiming, “Chancellor Fox flew with the Blue Angels once, but only in the cockpit like a normal person. Since many of the students who pass through UCSD will never have the funds to experience this sort of flying through the air, I will walk on the wings to support their dreams.”

TOP TEN

“I knew they were having a party,” insisted Letale. “Why else would they have their hands up?”

BY EVERETT RIRIE

R

Staff Writer

esident Advisor Tad Letale recounted his most recent bust, the latest tale in his storied history of apprehending students: “It was at about 5:00 p.m. last Thursday afternoon. I was passing Center Hall when I noticed suspicious behavior centered about the entrance to one of the lecture halls.

I hid in the bushes outside the door until I saw a group of students walking into the room and heard a multitude of voices coming from inside, prompting me to investigate and break up the suspected party. When I opened the door, boom … the big score.

I found 148 students — none of whom were socially distanced — and even a professor packed into the room.”

Despite the crowd, the gathering’s resemblance to a party was minimal. “Every-

body was blearily staring at a projector screen, and a professor was the only person talking.” said Letale. “No music or refreshments either. I read about parties in a book once, so I know they were definitely partying right before I barged in. The dead eyes of everyone, the professor rambling on ... these are telltale signs.”

Students were equally perplexed by the situation. Those in the lecture hall pleaded “not guilty” to Letale’s accusations of violating the university’s no-guest policy, insisting that they were simply attending their CSE 8B lecture. It was later confirmed by multiple faculty members that the students had been telling the truth about the lecture, and were not in fact violating COVID safety protocols.

UCSD administrators dusted off and consulted the ancient scrolls upon which their COVID guidelines were writ-

ten and found that the texts considered having guests in a residence to be an unacceptable risk, corroborating Letale’s claims. However, the scrolls had little to say on the matter of gatherings in lecture halls. The only mention of which is the exemption of students and faculty from all COVID safety procedures except wearing a mask while in lecture halls found in the “We Want Your Goddamn Housing Money so We’re Doing In-Person Lectures” clause.

In an interview, Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs Ira Nichols said, “The scrolls were written so long ago we can hardly remember what we wrote or why. Some parts have been sealed off since long before my time so we don’t even know what those guidelines are. Something about a ‘Phase Three,’ I think.

For a while I thought we only had Phase One.”

PHOTO BY JACK YANG Over the weekend, administrators emailed a formal apology to those students who were affected by the disruption and all the allegations of misconduct were waived. The email also included reminders on current COVID-19 protocols.

Nichols wished to remind students that “With student health and well-being our number one priority, the guest policy is something UCSD takes very seriously.

By having guests in your assigned living spaces, you increase the risk of spreading coronavirus. We ask that you limit your indoor socialization to the lecture halls and indoor dining areas where, even with hundreds indoors, coronavirus has no chance of spreading whatsoever.”

Classes You Didn’t Know You Could Take at UCSD 10. POLI 71: Lying 9. PHIL 120: How to Start a Cult 8. MMMMMW: The History of Food 7. PSYC 13: Superstition 6. COMM 22: How to Ask a Girl Out 5. BIO 137: Cool Mushrooms and Where to Find Them 4. ECON 22: Respecting the Hustle 3. LTWR 15: Fanfiction 2. MGT 4: Papa’s Pizzeria 1. PHIL 500: Why Help! We’re stuck in the printing factory!

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Muir Quad.

theMQ.org

September 22, 2021

U.S. Successfully Withdraws from Afghanistan: “The PullOut Method Wins Again”

Page 5

UCSD Invests in Alarm Clock System Disguised as Construction

PHOTO BY JULIA WONG “Ever since this construction, I’ve been having really vivid dreams of two Transformers going at it,” said Hertz.

BY NICOLE TSUYUKI Staff Writer

“Reminds me of when I was in the cervix, I mean service,” recalls one veteran.

BY HENRY ASHCROFT in 2001 with little to no exit in how and when he entered Staff Writer

I

n a recent interview, former President George W. Bush reflected on his military accomplishments, from the exciting climaxes to the dismal lows during his tenure as Commander-in-Chief of the American military-industrial complex.

“I awoke feeling sweaty and nervous on the morning of October 8, 2001,” said Bush. “I knew I’d made a mistake the night before, a mistake that would cost America the next twenty years.” When asked if it was the pervasive sense of fear and hyperpatriotism that created the nationalistic monolith of a newly isolationist America, or the millions of lives lost, and billions of lives altered by the “war on terror,” Bush replied, “Wait, what? What?

No, I invaded Afghanistan without wearing protection.”

UCSD history major John Ellis explained, “As everyone learned in school, the history of wars in the Middle East is short and totally justified, but just to recap: The United States invaded Afghanistan

strategy in an attempt to find and eliminate Osama bin Laden, and had stayed to mansplain democracy to the entire nation. But these people didn’t understand peace, so we literally had to send our armies to them to explain. It was the only way.”

Ellis continued, “Everything came to a head when the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center happened. All that foreplay of the Cold War brought with it the uprising of mysteriously well-funded terrorist groups, and as the Soviet Union crumbled, Afghanistan edged closer and closer to an eruption… of violence.

Afghanistan’s implementation of a U.S. backed leader was also accompanied by the identification and extraction of Osama Interrelated Liquid (OIL) after the mastermind behind the invasion, former Vice President Dick Cheney, had announced the focus on extracting OIL in order to revitalize the struggling fossil fuels industry.”

Bush felt similarly, stating, “Dick was incredibly strategic

Afghanistan. He understood more than anyone the importance of having a strong economy,” before quickly adding, “Oh, and stopping terrorism, of course.” These actions all amounted to a 20-year occupancy in Afghanistan that totaled two trillion dollars and an incalculable number of human lives. Withdrawal efforts began in 2014 when President Barack Obama announced a significant reduction of U.S. Navy troops stationed in Afghanistan. This significant drop in seaman count eventually resulted in a plan for total withdrawal

by September 11th, 2021, but President Joe Biden recently announced that plans were ahead of schedule in what one staffer called “an unfortunate pre-evacuation.”

The ethical implications of this withdrawal are highly debated by politicians and philosophers alike, with many noting the new vulnerability of Afghan people who aided American invasion efforts. But these concerns, according to BYU philosophy Professor Dr. Craig Smith, are not America’s

PHOTO BY CHIARA NG responsibility whatsoever. “It doesn’t really count as imperialism if the nation doesn’t move around too much during their occupation,” said Smith in an interview. Similar sentiments are reflected by many Americans as well.

According to a poll, 68% of Americans believe the United States has no responsibility to take care of Afghan refugees, with many saying, “Maybe they shouldn’t have been there in the first place.” Afghan contractors, along with countless Afghan people in general, now find themselves vulnerable to persecution from the Taliban as it reasserts control over the nation, but most Americans are just “happy the military K-9 unit made it out alright.”

America’s withdrawal from Afghanistan marks the beginning of the end to the wars in the Middle East, and with two trillion dollars spent on the invasion, the occupancy, and the withdrawal, hopefully at the close of it all the United States can spare some change for a Plan B.

The MQ’s Bestiary

The MQ has been beseiged by nightmares visions of beasts from far off places, so far removed from our reality that we cannot begin to glean the truth of them, even in dreams.

When we wake we can only offer a glimpse, a sketch.

Can you help us connect reality to these fantastical imaginations?

A. Raccoon

C. Giraffe

B. Elephant

Throughout campus, students at UCSD have been awoken by the dulcet sound of jackhammers, utility trucks, and backup sirens. “The constant 7 a.m. wake-up calls,” according to spokesperson William Lewinsky, “simulate the luxury of being in a hotel, at a sleepaway camp, or the immersive experience of living in a Cold War fallout shelter.” Lewinsky then dropped the triple shot iced-espresso he was holding, slipped, and weakly grasped at the straw just out of reach.

The prevalence of construction projects underway during the Fall 2021 quarter has raised concerns on whether or not students will be able to make it to class. To address these concerns, UCSD admin decided to create zone-based alarms that can be heard in all lecture halls, labs and residences on and near campus.

The aim of the construction is to alert students that they are finally enjoying the campus in-person, according to an announcement from UCSD administration. “The symphony of street sweepers, bulldozers, and nail guns alert students that it’s time for class, in a way that is not at all excessive,” commented Lewinsky.

“Students should never be late to class,” Lewinsky continued, “therefore all students should never be able to fully sleep, as failure to wake up from pleasant dreams could potentially be an obstacle that keeps them from going to lecture.” Mr. Lewinsky continued, vibrating and gesticulating wildly, “The campus’s commitment to creating a system of ambient noise in every corner of campus triumphs over the need to renovate the deteriorating older buildings! We’re doing you all a favor! Why aren’t any of you grateful for all we’ve been doing for you!?”

One celebrity member of UCSD’s planning committee, the specter of Sarah Winchester, remarked, “Why fix something that’s decrepit or broken

when you can just make something new to block out the old stuff? I mean — more colleges aren’t as useful as actual places to park for the students learning here, but we must keep building. We must. UCSD needs the mechanical screeching and wailing to drown out the screeching and wailing of all the people we’ve wronged.”

“It’s not just the sound of construction that is important,” said UCSD tour guide Richard Hertz, “But the views that result from it too. Many non-first-year students are new to campus after its closure during the pandemic, so this is their first chance to see the beauty of UCSD’s ocean view, stunning Geisel Library, and semi-open walkways complete with pedestrian detours. I personally take special time during walkthroughs to highlight the way a 10 minute walk becomes 30 minutes with the alternate pathways.”

The prominent detours throughout the campus were less likely to affect new students, as many are unfamiliar with the layout of the campus from previous years. Students in their final year, according to Lewinsky, are “too burnt out to make any efforts to change the status quo, anyways.” He continued, “The construction on campus is meant to mimic the memory of leaving home. You get the privilege to feel just like when you move out of your childhood home and your room gets immediately renovated, and it’s like you never made an impact at all. It should be a great comfort to students.”

Hertz claimed, “This is a unique experience. I’ve learned a lot about myself, like how comfortable it is to sleep with earplugs in, or how the sounds created by the construction are unique. Students in new Sixth would never get to experience this. From the morning jackhammers to the late-night street sweeper roars, students soundly stay awake knowing that UCSD cares about their well-being.”

TOP TEN MODERN FAIRY TALES The devil’s serpente A above the grass movth of sways, movth plaigéd by a whypp and a parasytes and the blackest fieyrce display, a call decay. A horned beaste akin of it’s trvmpyt, it entyrs the fraye. A hoofed beaste, it to that of his master. Wyth blemysh and brvises this is, wyth tail of flay, this beaste is thvs creachyr has walked plastyred. for many a day.

Answer Key: A3, B1, C2

1.

2.

Wyth the hands of a thiefe and the walk of a cat. Wyth the marks of a criminal, a mask tiyd flat.

This mongryl appears at the peake of nighte, to steal belongyngs and give children a frighte.

3.

10. The Boy Who Cried 9. Little Red Rideshare Hood 8. Snow White and the Seven Deadly Sins 7. Paul Bunyan v. The Environmental Defense Fund: Trial of the Century 6. Rumpelstiltskin: The Story of Someone Who Forgot Their Roommate’s Name 5. The Ethics of Robinhood: Why Stealing From the Rich is Bad For the Economy 4. Princess and the Pog: The Story of a Female Twitch Streamer 3. Peter Pan and the Outlying Kidnapping Charges 2. Jill and Jack: Performative Feminism 1. The Epic Fail of Gilgamesh

Page 6

theMQ.org

Who were the VictimS?

The Person Crushed

by Rock Bear

How the vil

The Person Who Said, “Damn, I Hope I Don’t Die First”

Location 1

OH N The MQ SCARY

Will we survive? We’re getting re plot armor. Wait, unless this is o movies where the genre-savvy ch value. This movie has to be — shh. S please let this be a regular mo

The HDH Worker

Here Lies The Poor Fool Who Chose to Be a Humanities Major

October 27, 2021

Mask of Khosla’s Face

Location 2 The Sound of a SPIN Bike Bell

The Church of Latter Day Saints

You scream for help, but you’re on the eighth floor of Geisel

Blacks Beach at Peak Old Man Hours

The Wi-Fi stops working

Difficult to Tell –– but Maybe a Woman? We’re All for Equal Opportunity for Killers.

Timeline o

Attempt to escape, but the electric scooter is out of charge

METAP If You Have Sex, You’re A Sinner, and You Deserve To Die #GodIsReal

Friendship is Magic

If Your Hand is Bigger Than Your Face, You Are Possessed

Ants Can Lift Times Their O

October 27, 2021

theMQ.org

NO! is in a MOVIE!

eally scared, even though we have one of those edgy kind of horror haracters get killed off for shock Shh!!! Did you hear that? Oh, God, ovie where the virgins survive.

Who Survived and Why?

The Queen of England

The Villain at the End Credit Scene, Just in Case They Want a Sequel

llian looks Always Holding a Recorder That Repeats the Phrase, “Just to Play Devil’s Advocate”

Colonel Mustard

The One and Only Visual Arts Major At UCSD -They’re Special

Your iClicker Battery

Your Annoyingly Perfect Roommate, Because Life’s Just Peachy for Them

Page 7

Ronald McDonald, Evil Never Dies

The Lord’s Message (Praise Be)

The Person Who Responded To Our Discussion Post, Because We Would Do Anything to Protect Them

The Televangelists, They’ve Been Prepping for This Since Day One

Location 3

Location 4

Whole Foods, Where Something Other Than the Prices Will Kill You

The Nightmare of a Parking Lot Outside of Trader Joe’s

The Sound of Scraping a Hydro flask along the Wall

of Events: You think you’ve finally escaped campus, but it turns out you’re in Eighth College

You try to escape through the sewers, but you’re discovered by the Wastewater Detection System

You write “HELP ME” in sticky notes on your window

PHORs

t up to Ten Own Weight

Capitalism Was The Real Horror All Along

If You Buy a Creepy Victorian Doll, It’s on You

The american dream is real, but its actually a nightmare

theMQ.org

Page 8

Theology Professor Criticized for Requiring Students to Buy Bibles with Access Codes

September 22, 2021

Local Goth Dancers Protest the Removal of Rave Bridge

PHOTO BY ROBIN BREWIN “This sucks and my life feels like it has no meaning. Honestly, kind of a good day,” said protesting goth Bloodsoul Sadness.

BY ROBIN BREWIN Staff Writer

PHOTO BY CHIARA NG “I took an abridged version of this course by just staring at the Vices and Virtues building for three hours,” stated Peter.

BY DAVID UMGEBUNG

E

Staff Writer

arlier this week, a group of students gathered in front of the religious studies department to protest against a “predatory act of monetizing faith and education.”

One of the protestors, who identified himself as Peter, commented on the situation: “As a student from his class, I believe that the professor shouldn’t make us buy Bibles from the bookstore, let alone one with a code inside it. Why would the professor put such an arbitrary price on faith?

What if someone couldn’t afford the $59.99 price tag?

What happens then?” Peter’s friend, John, then shouted, “Should’ve been worth 30 pieces of silver instead!”

The controversy stems from a professor’s request that students buy specialized copies of the Bible for his class.

The professor, J.U. Dastardly, is scheduled to teach RELI 30: Greed and God, a class that all theology majors are required

to enroll as per their major requirement. According to the class syllabus, all students are “highly encouraged” to buy the Bible that is currently sold in the campus bookstore as it contains a unique code to access Genesis, a third party website that will host all required course materials. The syllabus further explained, “All assignments, correspondence, and announcements will be posted on Genesis. It is expected that you will buy both the book and the code in order to succeed in the class.” Soon after this announcement, news of this arrangement had ignited anger and protest from students and shortly from the rest of the campus, as well as a lone brush down the road.

In an interview with Professor Dastardly, he stated that the backlash was “unjust” and had escalated into what he described to be “spiteful and blatant acts of harassment.”

Dastardly recalled that on last Wednesday morning, while on his way to his office, he found

his door vandalized with a streak of red paint drawn across the top door frame.

Only days after this incident, Dastardly found a piece of paper nailed against the door with a single handwritten sentence that read: “95 emails and you have not answered one.”

Campus officials have classified these incidents as threats and the religious studies department is currently cooperating with investigators, but so far no leads have been found.

The identities of those responsible currently remain at large.

The professor then stated his defense in a followup email: “Firstly, I would like to have it on record that my actions lie within the legal parameters and laws of this university. I could’ve had my students provide their own Bibles, or, God forbid, hand them out for free. However, I chose not to. My class focuses on the dilemma between faith, selfishness, and greed. When faced with buying the code or foregoing their education,

I am fully confident that they will overcome their selfishness and choose the righteous path. This is a necessary learning experience that hopefully my students will understand even before our first lecture.”

When asked if the professor would receive a portion of the sales revenue, Dastardly declined to respond and hastily dismissed the interview.

As a result of this controversy, many enrolled students have become disillusioned.

According to one anonymous student, “The professor and the university at large had veered off from their original mission in education and enlightenment for a better future.” While some had already dropped the class, many more decided against it and are currently hoping for, for a lack of a better term, reformation. Through direct action and their own voices, many stand confident in achieving greater freedom in choosing their own destiny.

Students Move Into Empty Classrooms to Overcome the Housing Crisis

A

local troupe of black-clad dancers have taken to protesting the proposed demolition of what is to many an unremarkable concrete overpass. Known as The Nightshift, this small community of about twenty members held weekly dance nights beneath San Diego freeways until very recently when one offramp in Imperial Beach was closed off in preparation for demolition.

Since receiving news of the upcoming construction project, The Nightshift meets weekly in the construction zone beneath the overpass, with members often staking out for several hours at a time.

Deathly Death, a 26 year-old “graver,” or gothic raver, reportedly quit his day job as a car salesman in order to display his support for The Nightshift full-time. “We’ve never seen the guy leave the place,” says Joel Frisbee, a construction worker. “Never seen him get here either, he just kinda showed up one day. Doesn’t matter what janked up hour we work, he’s there. Nobody even knows when he eats or goes to the bathroom.”

When asked about the importance of this particular location, Nightshift member Bloodsoul Sadness said, “You don’t find this kind of dreary dankness under just any bridge; the cool sewer breeze flows freely here and there’s the perfect ratio of unidentifiable dead things and parched grass. Besides, this was where we first met Nothing, our leader.” Sadness reports that Noth-

ing overthrew the previous Nightshift leader via danceoff, with “the most depressing, mopey dance moves I’d ever seen”. When asked if Nothing was available for interview, Death proclaimed that Nothing was adamant about not talking to “mundanes.”

Current demonstrations held by The Nightshift range from “dancing” to the ambience of nearby traffic, poetry readings, and laying handsover-heart in the construction zone, as if the dancers were positioned to be viewed at an open-casket funeral. Peggy Schmegg, whose apartment complex is only a few hundred feet from the overpass, had this to say in response to The Nightshift’s demonstrations: “We’re fine with them protesting, it’s actually better than what they were doing before.

I mean, there’s only so many times you can stand hearing ‘sex horror sex bat sex sex horror sex vampire sex bat horror vampire sex’ blasted through tinny speakers in the middle of the night.”

The Nightshift has no plans to stop their protesting anytime soon, and only time will tell whether they succeed in their endeavors. Sadness remarked, “It would really put a stake in my heart to see this bridge go, but there is that freshly abandoned Denny’s we could make into our new space. It feels so macabre, a vacant, rotting corpse … as much a symbol of latestage capitalism as it is a victim of it. The delicious irony of it all makes me salivate, and so does the lingering smell of syrup.”

TOP TEN

Couples Costumes

“I had a dream I went to class naked, and then I woke up, naked and in class,” said Lay.

BY AYUSHI BANERJEE

U

Staff Writer

CSD has recently begun a new housing initiative in response to the housing crisis currently affecting its students. To help the students who were unable to find a place to live for Fall 2021, UCSD has rented out some empty classrooms to be used as living spaces, advertising them as “the most immersive student experience yet.”

Returning third year Hanna Lay is one student who found a room in Mandeville Hall through this initiative. Lay expressed gratitude towards UCSD, claiming “it was basically impossible to find housing within a 50-mile radius of campus, even the motels and park benches were all taken.”

Many students reported they were considering taking an entirely online course load to avoid this “impossible search” for housing, but Lay stated that her backup plan was to “simply drop out.” When asked how she felt about her current living situation, Lay commented that “it actually worked out pretty well — I don’t have to struggle to find a parking spot like the losers who live in actual homes.”

Lay’s roommate Baque Aicke claimed that the initiative worked out even better for her because it maximizes the amount of time she spends sleeping. “My 8 a.m. discussion is actually in the same room that I sleep in, so I can afford to wake up at exactly eight without being late to

class. I never have to worry about missing clicker questions, or finding a place to sit like these other chumps.”

However, Aicke claims there are some alleged downsides to this type of living situation.

“It’s kinda weird seeing students prop their skateboards and scooters on my bed, and having to clean myself using a hydroflask and some hand sanitizer isn’t super ideal.”

Another complaint expressed by students involved a lack of access to food. Students were not granted a kitchen or cooking space in their randomly assigned classrooms that were “clearly not designed to be lived in.”

Lay asserts, “I’m a third-year, so of course I’m off the meal plans by now, but there’s

PHOTO BY JACK YANG not much I can cook on the overheating surface of a classroom’s projector.” When asked about her other food options, Lay claimed that she has to eat out often, “but sometimes, if I stand outside a dining hall for long enough, I get some leftover scraps.”

Despite these difficulties, students express a generally positive attitude towards this program. “It could be a lot worse,” claims fourth year Barry Tyard. “I could still be struggling to hear my Zoom lectures over the sound of my barking dogs and screaming brothers at home. With this new housing initiative, I only have to worry about tuning out the professor while I nap.”

10. Back of Horse Costume and Back of Horse Costume 9. Freud and his Mother 8. Eminem and the Yellow M&M 7. US Military and Oil 6. A Block of Ice and Some Introductory Questions 5. Michard Mouse and All of His Lawyers (Special Polycule Option) 4. American Jesus and Actual Jesus 3. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde 2. East and West Berlin 1. Khosla and My Goddamn Money

Sarah, if you’re reading this I miss you so much, please come back to me I miss your smell I miss your laugh I miss everything about you please forgive me

THEMQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Muir Quad.

theMQ.org

September 22, 2021

Researchers Prove Center Hall Chairs Combat Student Sleeping Epidemic

Page 9

UCSD Wins Rights to Build Ninth College Atop Gliderport Parking

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH “I’d be angry with what’s happening right now,” said Byrd, “but the view is so breathtaking I keep on forgetting.”

BY MADELINE MOZAFARI Staff Writer

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA “We will not stand for this,” said one member of Tritons Against Torture. “We’re going to host a sit-in.”

BY FARHAD TARAPOREVALA

A

Staff Writer

fter months of tedious research, a team of psychologists, physicians, and administrators from UCSD have determined that the chairs used in Center Hall are the perfect way to keep students awake during lectures. Lead researcher and college administrator Dame Lilston announced that all chairs in other buildings will be converted by 2025, costing the university an estimated $700 million.

“The rigidity of the chairs, combined with their small size and unstable desk all coalesce to squish the students into submission, the perfect position for learning,” explained clinical psychologist Ferris Sandheim. “As the students sit and get progressively more uncomfortable, it is easier for the professor to cram knowledge into their tiny brains. If they won’t

learn, they will be stabbed into submission by that bent support beam near their legs that rusted off years ago!”

Professors and students who have not had the pleasure of experiencing the Center Hall learning experience will be invited to sit in on one of many training sessions that will be held every Saturday from 10:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. until the end of the year.

“At first I was skeptical about the chairs in Center Hall,” claimed tenured professor of anthropology Clifford Jones.

“But after one Saturday session and an emergency trip to my chiropractor, I was convinced that no student would ever fall asleep in one of my classes again.”

These rave reviews are not limited to professors alone, as students seem to be supportive of the Center Hall chair experience. “The Center Hall chairs are simply a lifesaver,” gushed senior Anil Chopra. “I used to fall asleep all the time

in class, but with the Center Hall chairs, my back spasms and general body cramps kept me awake the whole time! Sure, I’ll have a lifetime of back pain and chiropractic visits, but I couldn’t live comfortably without my Bachelor’s in art history.”

Although the research has been published and the Saturday sessions are generating positive feedback for the Center Hall chairs, there are still a small number of students who question the validity of the results. “I heard that everyone needs at least eight hours of sleep to properly function,” said sophomore Lindsey Lostque. “I only get two hours of sleep at night, and if I’m unable to get the rest during lectures, how am I supposed to survive?”

Lostque leads a group called Tritons Against Torture that plans to protest the decision to switch all chairs, claiming the new chairs are a waste of money and get-

ting rid of the old chairs is not environmentally friendly. To combat these claims, Lilston announced that all old chairs, “Would be recycled and used as building materials for Eighth College residence halls,” therefore “saving the university money while also helping to reduce the school’s already large carbon footprint.” In response, Chancellor Pradeep Khosla personally removed every recycling bin from campus, stating, “We’ve done enough.”

To aid rollout of the new chairs across campus, UCSD admin has announced a tuition increase starting next quarter. “There is no amount of money that we won’t spend for even the smallest increase in students’ learning,” Khosla declared. “I believe that these chairs will revolutionize the learning environment here at UCSD, and the patent I just put on the chairs should help with the new renovations on my mansion.”

Ask Emily Queue

What is the proportionate response to receiving fruit instead of candy when you go trick-or-treating?

Who cares? You think they were complaining about this shit back when Halloween was invented? Of course not. Back when Halloween was invented, they probably took “trickor-treat” seriously, and if you were told to do a trick and couldn’t come up with anything good, you’d get 30 lashings. Back then, the treats were pieces of fruit and honeycomb with bits of dead bees still in it. Capitalism is causing the destruction of the planet, and is sending us into another dark age. The bees are dying and the corals are bleaching, and you’re complaining about getting fruit for Halloween? Grow a spine, you newt.

Dear Emily Queue, sometimes when I’m out trick-or-treating, and I see a bowl that says take one, I take two. Am I going to hell?

Yes. Dear Emily Queue, what’s the scariest thing you can think of?

Oh, you want something scary?

Boogeymen and spooky monsters not enough for you? Let me tell you a little story: Once upon a time there was a little girl who grew up into a sad little woman wasting the best years of her life trapped inside of a box Mommy and Daddy had built for her since before she was born. As

time went on she learned to maintain the box, filling in the cracks and chips with sarcastic retorts, scathing responses, and hollow victories in a desperate attempt to find the slightest modicum of happiness. Her friends used to come by and visit her, to try and convince her to step outside of the box, stop building walls, and spend time with them, but as the years wore on one by one they stopped coming by. Years and years went on and the sad little woman only grew colder, more aware of her insignificance in the world and slowly becoming more and more broken.

And she would remain in that box until she died — quietly, alone and unloved. It will be a sunny, cloudless day that day, and not a single person will notice she is gone.

Boo! Hope that gave you the fright you were looking for.

Happy Halloween!

Dear Emily Queue, how old is too old for trick-or-treating?

Like everything artificially formed by society, the idea that you could be “too old” for trick-or-treating is just a way to control the selfconscious masses. When you become teenagers, you begin to lose parts of yourselves. You can no longer dress up in fun costumes and eat horrible candy — you must dress up in generic ideas and drink until you can’t feel your childhood happiness slip away. Your innocence and joy of life is ripped away — there is no

slow erosion. You are thrust into a situation where you need to sell your soul to prepare for adulthood.

But the question is: why is adult life so soulless? Is it because of intrinsic factors, or is it because we give up our joy voluntarily? This may be an advice column, but there are some answers I’m not prepared to give you.

So go, I say! Trick-or-treat to your heart’s content! Don’t let the joy of childhood die within you!

Dear Emily Queue, My horse and I had a suicide pact to become the Headless Horseman, and I forgot who was to be headless. Now my ghost companion for all eternity is biting and back-hoofing me at the same time. How can I make it up to my newly Horseless Head and my newly Headless Horse alike?

The Headless Horseman is such an old tale at this point — it’s such a bore to bring it up. Instead of wallowing in your simultaneous grief and self-pity, you should use this as an opportunity to rebrand what these Halloween motifs really mean.

You have the perfect opportunity to use your horse’s head to reenact that classic movie moment from the first Godfather, where they found a horse’s head in the bed. If you put your mind to it, I bet you could also bisect yourself and attach your torso to that of your horse, making yourself a ghost centaur. And, if you’re feeling bold, how about reenacting

Dr. Seuss’s timeless story, What Was I Scared of? Think about it: your very own pair of sentient, horseshaped ghost pants. There’s nothing a little ingenuity can’t fix, and you have all the time in the world. So ... set that horse on course!

Dear Emily Queue, I’m a huge nerd but I’m also very thirsty. How do I make my Gandalf costume sexy?

Okay, I’m going to tell you this straight up — this is the sexiest question on the list. If I saw someone dressed as Gandalf walk into a party, I’m making a beeline to that person. The crowds would part, the music would fade into the background, and there we’d be: Gandalf the White (because of course you’d be), and me — Emily Queue. Our eyes would meet, our gazes as powerful as Sauron, and we’d understand the other instantly. You’ll talk about what a master of conlangs JRR Tolkein was, I’ll mention Tom Bombadil.

We’ll share a gentle commiseration over the importance of Samwise Gamgee. And in the end, we shall part, always a small part of us remembering the perfect moment of our joining. All that glitters is not gold. And then you know we’d explore each other’s bodies.

I

n a landmark case for UCSD’s mission to expand their “already formidably large” campus and continue their tradition of over-enrollment, the construction of Ninth College will be allowed to begin as soon as the dirt lot currently used as the only free parking within miles of campus is drilled into and paved over.

“Why a ninth college? They haven’t even named Sixth, Seventh, or Eighth!” cried a grieving student as he started his daily pilgrimage from the Pacific Ocean to Price Center.

He then proceeded to wail the word “why” 17 more times before fainting in a heap outside his class at Warren Lecture Hall, pressing a random button on his iClicker, and foaming slightly at the mouth. Other students seem to agree with this opinion.

“Bro, they haven’t even built Eighth. UCSD is as unfinished as my essay that’s due tomorrow,” groaned third-year Earl E. Byrd as he passed by.

Despite a seemingly overall negative reaction from the student body, UCSD administrator Cassius Stacks had an “unending supply of praises to sing” at a press release last Friday. “We are incredibly excited to announce the beginning of construction for our most recent, ninth, and newest college — Ninth College!” said Stacks. “Ninth College is going to be all about opportunities, the importance of freedom, and student wellbeing!

This will create the not-at-all intended effect of lining our considerably deep pockets

even more than they already are.” Stacks then concluded his speech, saying, “Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Perhaps you might hear something about Tenth soon.”

The official website for Ninth College reads: “Located directly next to the ocean and Gliderport, our newest college is poised to bring a breath of fresh air to UCSD. Since it is slightly farther away from UCSD’s main campus, we will be giving Ninth College students a once-in-a-lifetime discount of 10 dollars off SPIN scooters or bikes. We will also be providing a golf cart shuttle to transport one student at a time — all the way to ERC. Construction is expected to wrap up in late 2025.”

As construction begins, some worry about the safety of the hang gliders and paragliders who fly at the Torrey Pines Gliderport. One glider’s sail got caught in a preemptively placed UCSD crane, leaving the man stuck hanging in the air for nearly four hours before a Salk Institute worker walking back to her car looked up and noticed him. After being returned safely to the ground, Hugh Clover said, “It was the most harrowing experience of my life. I had a forced birds-eye view of the campus, and I felt just like those miserable UCSD students –– stuck and ignored.”

While students mourn the loss of free parking, UCSD admin is “overjoyed” to see a dirt lot turned into brutalist dorms. As construction begins, many eyes are turning west, “not towards the sun, but towards the blinding fact that another parking lot is transforming into profit.”

TOP TEN Unique Curses To Wish Upon Your Enemies 10. May You Only Have the Butt Pieces of Bread Left 9. May None of the Textbooks You Need for Class be Available for Free on the Internet 8. May an Airplane Fly Overhead Every Time the Professor Answers Your Question 7. May You Choke on Your Own Spit in the Middle of a Lecture and Have Everyone Think You Have COVID-19 6. May Every Pizza Shop That You Enter Become a Piazza Server Base 5. May Your Classes Start Taking Attendance for Lectures 4. May Someone Wave at You and You Wave Back Right As You See That They Were Actually Waving at Their Friend 3.May You Never Be 100% Confident That You Turned in the Right Assignment 2. May Your Bank Account Have One Cent Less Than That Thing You Need to Buy 1. May Your Jokes Never Land

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All Dining Dollars Converted to Triton Cash: Students Feast in Laundry Rooms

PHOTO BY JACK YANG

“At least I know my food is clean,” said Lyall.

BY JEANNIE KIM Staff Writer

W

ith understaffing and poor working conditions causing eon-long wait times at dining halls, UCSD admin made the decision last Tuesday to convert the entirety of the student body’s remaining Dining Dollars to Triton Cash.

While at first converting only $100 per student, HDH eventually opted to exchange the currency altogether. “We think this change will greatly alleviate the problem of overcrowding, understaffing, and general misery at dining halls, allowing students to die in peace,” said an anonymous HDH representative.

While HDH officials claim the move has “yielded great results,” the abrupt shift in the economy has resulted in all dining halls and markets closing indefinitely.

Soon after the wave of

closures, the remaining oncampus food establishments followed suit, with Kris Cyle, manager of Sunshine Market, citing the “Price-to-Seventh Subway lunch line” on Friday as rationale.

For students, the conversion requires a change in lifestyle. Many, like Sixth secondyear Jamie Lyall, now spend most waking hours in the laundry room. “I chose the $5,623 plan,” said Lyall, flinging clumps of clothing into the washing machine. “This is my life.” The two dining plans — the $3,749 plan and the $5,623 plan — conveniently allow students to do approximately 1,500 and 2,249.2 loads of laundry each according to projections. Currently, there is no other possible use for Triton Cash, “except perhaps gambling,” Lyall stated.

Students are “determined to seize this opportunity for cleanliness,” evidenced by long, “somehow familiar”

lines overflowing from the laundry rooms. Sources claim these students’ clothes have “never been smaller or more fragrant.” Fresh clothes do little to abate hunger; however, Lyall has found comfort by kneeling down before the washing machine after pressing start. “The hunger goes away if you keep your eyes on the clothes,” he said, swaying slightly. “Look. Around and around and around they go.”

Other students have employed different methods to deal with the hunger problem. Some work around the issue by simply “eating in the only place they can: the laundry room.” This includes ingesting various laundryrelated items, like detergents and wet clothes. These “eats,” while reportedly delicious, are not yet mainstream among Tritons. Some students are using the laundry machines to cook real food. A group of students known as the “Clean

Eaters” made themselves known in the past week by reconfiguring bleach dispensers as broth dispensers. “Any concentrated mixture of seasoning — like bean paste, or the powder in instant ramen — can be poured into the appropriate dispenser,” said one student. “Upon starting a wash, the powder is run through with hot water, resulting in a broth in the main cylindrical compartment.

This broth can then be spun with some kind of noodle or vegetable mixture, resulting in a hot and plentiful meal.”

This “culinary revolution” has been a wonderful surprise to many, including officials at HDH. “Tritons aren’t just living, they’re surviving!” exclaimed one representative. With the success of the administrative decision, students are reportedly looking forward to HDH’s solution for the housing crisis.

Disney Announces New LGBT Show, No Queer Characters Planned

One disgruntled viewer complained, “The Bible says Adam and Eve, not Mickey and Donald.”

BY YURI BUKHRADZE

I

Staff Writer

n the latest announcement of upcoming Disney+ content, the spotlight of the youth media section was given to The Rainbow City, an animated show specifically written to “portray queer characters and culture, help the younger audiences better understand themselves, and get these weirdo gay freaks off our backs finally.”

However, according to the roster of characters on the official webpage for the show, no characters are actually planned to be members of the LGBTQIA+ community.

“Our writers worked day and night in order to bring this show together and to show kids that it’s okay to be queer!” said Mel Rickman, creative director of The Rainbow City. “There will be rainbows, flags, parades … What else do they all like? Oh, yeah,

rainbows! Did we mention it’s called The Rainbow City?”

The story of the show will revolve around a teenage boy, “who is just a regular boy,” who travels to the Rainbow City and makes new friends, “all of whom enjoy listening to Lil Nas X, using Picrews avatars as their profile pictures and, at the same time, exploring platonic and heterosexual romantic feelings.”

The creators of the show stated that they were inspired by other inclusive, youth-oriented media, such as Disney’s own The Owl House, and Netflix’s She-Ra and the Princesses of Power. However, “these shows were a bit too inclusive, and that’s not really the image we want to portray here at Disney,” said Rickman. “After all, we have to consider all of our audiences, so we tried to hit two birds with one stone: not get banned in 70 countries, and sell vaguely queer

merch. Everyone is happy!”

When asked about the lack of queer characters, Michael M. Maus, character designer for The Rainbow City stated: “We planned to include an asexual character, some nonbinary characters, and a main character that was supposed to be questioning their gender and that would be the main premise of the show.

Sort of a ‘searching for one’s identity’ kind of thing. But, at the last moment, they told us that the most recent Marvel movie filled Disney’s gay character quota, so we had to work with what we had.”

The announcement drew criticism from both reviewers and animators, including those at Disney itself.

“This is ridiculous, I can’t believe they are saying it has representation without actually including queer characters,” said Alex Hirsch, creator of Gravity Falls and who

October 27, 2021

POINT

What College Are You In?

BY ANNA YING First-Year

H

i! What college are you in? I’m in Seventh. What’s your major? I’m a biology major. I’m planning on going to medical school after I finish here. Are you Pre-Med too? Oh, you're a Math-CS major? That’s crazy, I haven’t met many other Indian guys looking to get into programming.

Where are you from? I’m from the Bay Area. You’re from a suburb outside LA? Wow, that's crazy. I love the weather here though. It’s so nice and sunny all the time. The library is so cool too. It’s, like, so weird and tall. The view is so amazing. I know people say UCSD is “UC Socially Dead,” but I’m having such a great time! There was this bonfire, and even though it got shut down by cops, I definitely saw some alcohol and

I think people were smoking a little bit. It was so exciting getting to meet new people.

Have you seen Black’s Beach?

I know it’s a nude beach, but it was so exciting to check it out.

I’ve also joined some clubs, like the Medical Student Association. Are you in ACM? Wow, that’s so exciting. I’m also looking for things to do this summer.

COUNTERPOINT Who Cares?

BY VIKRAM SINGH

S

Fourth-Year

hut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Shut up. Please, I can stand it no longer. These banal interactions of my dayto-day life are naught but torture on my well-being. I can no longer mindlessly repeat the meaningless personal details of my four year experience at the University of California San Diego. I care not what college you reside in, nor for your major. Please, I only crave the sweet, sweet taste of the Makai poke bowl. Unless you are personally shoving those beautifully crafted slices of fish down my throat, I do not wish to hear you blather.

When I first arrived at Sixth College, I was excited and intrigued to meet all these new faces. I thought to myself, “Gee! College will surely be an important and transformative experience in my youth!” But no, UCSD has only made me begrudgingly accept the dull monotony of existence. I have succumbed to ennui. I beg Pradeep Khosla for the blessing that is graduation. Free me from this eternal torment.

I don’t want to hear your summer plans, if you think I’ll be a part of them you’re mis-

led. Even the others in your so-called “friend-group” won’t be there. It's the fifth week of college, everyone is dying for companionship. I will not be at your side as your seven oneweek relationships cycle with different first-years. I will not be remembered in your college experience. You are nothing to me, other than another person in front of me in the line to my beloved poke.

The seven colleges are a mere gimmick to distract you from the truth: beneath the veneer of uniqueness is the never-ending desparation for more workers, more slaves to the machine of capital. You are not a scientist, merely an advanced factory worker. I pray you do not wake up to the truth, the realization that we are but ants among giants.

And yes, if you were wondering, Seventh is now the worst college to live in. Suck it.

PHOTO BY YURI BUKHRADZE had previously expressed hopes for better LGBTQIA+ representation in kids media. “They’ll let me put strange characters and weird subliminal ciphers, but two boys in love is where they draw the line?”

The show will roll out exclusively on Disney+ in Spring 2022, with three seasons planned and a surprise appearance from “another completely mundane and unoriginal character.” As a response, Nickelodeon announced that the art of bending in The Legend of Korra is “just an expression of queer love,” while Netflix released the sequel to She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, which is “literally the same thing as the original but now there is no queer representation at all. Y’all had it way too nice.”

Asshole Printer

BY SYSTEM32COMICS

October 27, 2021

theMQ.org

UCSD Announces “Bold, Firm” Plan to Decarbonize “by the Time the Earth is Swallowed by the Sun”

Page 11

UCSD Campus Police Crack Down on Post-It Art Returns to Stop and Frisk

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH “This is a sticky situation, we have to handle it carefully,” Stork explained. out ‘BIG TITS’ on our window.”

BY CHIARA NG

M PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH

“Green energy? Sorry, I don’t see color,” claimed Khosla.

BY ALEX REINSCH-GOLDSTEIN

F

Staff Writer

ollowing years of pressure by campus climate activists, UCSD admin declared their intention to “fully decarbonize the university by the time that the planet Earth meets its ultimate, fiery demise approximately 7.5 billion years from now.” Critics have described the University’s plan as “scant,” seeing as the press release consisted of “a single-sentence announcement of a 7.5 billion year decarbonization timeframe,” as well as the words “Will you people stop bothering us now? Oh my god.” written in smaller print.

Doug Duggart, ViceChancellor for Virtue Signalling and Generalized Inaction, said that “this decision shows that our university is serious about fighting the cli-

mate crisis. We are giving an unequivocal promise to the community, to our students, and to our wealthy donors that we will stop using fossil fuels to power the university.

We plan to do this once all of said fossil fuels have been evaporated by the awful, allencompassing fireball. To all our Indigenous friends, to those who are disproportionately impacted by the extraction of fossil fuels — we hear you, we see you, and we promise to stop contributing to your immiseration at the last possible moment.”

The press release follows a long history of demonstrations on the UCSD campus demanding that the university divest itself from fossil fuels. An especially large march occurred on Friday, Oct 15 as part of the global climate strike movement. The announcement was certainly

not what the protestors had been hoping for. “Generally, when I want something to happen, I prefer that it happen while I’m alive,” said Michael al-Hamid, a Warren college junior who participated in the September 24th climate march. “I don’t really like the new UCSD decarbonization policy for that reason.”

When asked about whether the decarbonization timescale was too long, Mr. Duggart replied, “You know, I wouldn’t say it’s long — I’d say it’s realistic. There are a number of considerations we had to take into account when developing this policy. There are real, pressing constraints which keep us from decarbonizing immediately, or even in the next ten years. Firstly, I need to be able to retire from this place and join the ranks of corporate America without having made myself persona non grata by

doing some Commie bullshit.

That revolving door isn’t going to revolve itself. Secondly, if we decarbonize right now, it’ll annoy all the donors with money tied up in fossil fuel investments. And if we do that, who’s going to give us the money to build those gigantic glass office buildings that no one ever uses? We have to really think about this logically.”

The upper echelons of university leadership do not appear moved by climate activists’ arguments that, “without the whole of society decarbonizing as quickly as possible, catastrophic climate change is inevitable.” Chancellor Khosla is currently planning to avoid climate change by moving to a temperature-controlled refuge in outer space, which he plans to call “Pradeep Space Nine.”

ON EARTH WE'RE BRIEFLY GORGEOUS MAN HORRIFIED TO FIND THAT HE NOW OPERATES UNDER LOONEY TUNES PHYSICS

PRICE CENTER’S TAPEX IS TIRED OF BEING CONFUSED FOR TAMPAX –– CONSIDERS RENAME

AGGRESSIVE HURRICANES BATTLE FOR THE RIGHT TO DESTROY GULF COAST

“My life is neither looney nor tuney,” said Hanky Human, a local insurance salesman. “This all started when one day I tripped in my house and fell through four stories of my building, making a perfect outline of my body on each floor.” Word has quickly spread about Human’s condition, leading to a large mass of people playing comic pranks on the man.

“Every day I leave my house an anvil falls on my head. But that’s not all. You don’t know how many times I’ve been walking to work when the smell of a pie forces me to float wildly off course,” said Human. “And do you know what the worst part is?

I still feel all the pain. I may not die after my incorrectly assembled box of mail-order ACME dynamite explodes, but do I still feel the stinging pain of heat, the agony of the explosion.” Human ended this interview by screaming, “That’s all folks!” before having his legs turn into a swirling unidentifiable mass and running off into the sunset.

Tapioca Express, the only boba shop on campus for decades, has recently mostly been referred to as “TapEx.” As long as this nickname has been around, however, there has been confusion surrounding the nature of the company. One student claimed, “I go into Tampax to get tampons every fucking day and they never have any.

They always offer me something called ‘boba’ instead.

But those things are terrible at soaking up blood.”

“Yeah, the students confused about our names are just plain stupid, but they’ve been harmless. At least, until yesterday...” said one TapEx employee, shivering at the memory. Last night, as the understaffed Tapex employees closed up for the night, thousands of free-bleeding menstruators stormed Price Center. They chanted “We need tampons, give us tampons,” and ignored employees when they notified protestors that they’ve “never sold tampons.” Repeating the phrase, “We sell boba,” failed to stick as well.

A TapEx manager recalled, “the angry menstruators only left after someone dug out a spare tampon from their purse and threw it towards Burger King. They chased after it on all fours, growling. They finally left us alone after that.” To avoid another incident, TapEx is considering a rebrand, with names such as Playtex and Kotex in the running.

Meteorologists and climate scientists are in agreement that global warming is creating more aggressive weather — but the dangers of extreme weather are of a different nature than previously thought. According to weather reporter and climate scientist Harry Caine, two aggressive hurricanes drew weapons in the Atlantic, just south of Texas, in a “harrowed battle for alpha status. The Gulf Coast is such a frequent target of dangerous hurricanes, several storms have been vying for the right to hit big ticket areas such as New Orleans.”

According to scientists, this kind of dominance aggression is reflective of heightened pressures in the South Atlantic. Weather is becoming more threatening and unpredictable, and people who live in coastal areas are advised to express caution and avoid angering aggressive storms further.

Caine also detailed the events of the weather event.

“As Nicholas put on a cold front, Mindy advanced, a gale force of anger, determined to maintain her superiority. Nicholas took the wind out of her sails, but she was ultimately victorious.”

According to forecasts for next week, Mindy is poised to hit Galveston as a Category 5 storm, brandishing a bloodsoaked knife.

ANTI-DEFAMATION LEAGUE CHAMPIONS NEW ERA OF KINDNESS On October 21st, President Biden unknowingly flashed a white supremacist hand symbol while he was at a Town Hall meeting.

Biden’s hand connected his index finger and his thumb with three fingers up, which is universally known as the “okay” symbol. The AntiDefamation League has asked for an apology of the President for “using a symbol that, we said before, is also a white supremacist symbol.

You see, if you look at it from a certain way and photoshop a Nazi flag behind it…”

President Biden was quick to respond, “I apologize to the uh, I apolo… I uh peace to the IRA, when you walk back on a plank, you take a...” The Anti-Defamation League has championed a “New Era of Kindness”, announcing that with the President’s apology that they can start to move forward with ending the association of these symbols with white supremacy. The ADL has currently collected the names and addresses of three high schoolers for using “white supremacist wojak images,” selling them on Twitter to any buyers at five dollars an identity. The ADL has furthermore released their mission statement, claiming, “We think the only way to put an end to white supremacy is to destroy it with violent force.

That's why we’ve put all the funds we’ve earned from the doxxing toward supporting Israel in their struggle to cleanse their homeland.”

Staff Writer

any UCSD students took dorm decor to the next level with “thoughtful” arrangements of Post-It art on their windows for passersby to appreciate. While their peers found enjoyment in the often funny messages scattered across different residential halls, UCSD admin has not found it quite so entertaining.

“This is an academic institution, first and foremost,” said Mary Lam, Head of Housing. “It’s disappointing that our own students would taint our campus in this manner.

We have provided them with the resources to learn and further their education at the low cost of $34,000. And this is their contribution to the community?” Lam then shook her head, scoffing at a window with “NICE COCK” spelled out with yellow sticky notes.

As the art of Post-It arrangement spread across the seven colleges, school officials deemed the situation out of control. They have instructed UCSD police to crack down on individuals responsible for inappropriate Post-It art utilizing a “stop-and-frisk” policy that the administration claims “definitely eliminated crime in New York.”

“We’re big fans of what Bloomberg has done for New York,” said Tony Stork, a UCSD police officer. “I’m honored to be part of the initiative to clean our campus morally. I’ve already caught 10 people today!

I just stood in the stationary section of the bookstore, and anyone who dared even touch a Post-It was slammed against the wall and handcuffed with extreme prejudice.”

Punishment for Post-It art includes a vandalism fee, academic probation, and a standard serving of raw chicken from Café Ventanas. Students are not allowed to pursue other dining options while under persecution. “We just want to make people laugh, man,” an anonymous student said. “I didn’t mean any harm when my roommate and I spelled

They sobbed, continuing: “We just like tits.”

When asked about the profile of the average Post-It vandalist, multiple officers have agreed that most-likely offenders are “men carrying backpacks and women with pastel highlighters who know too much about stationary.”

Stork recollected an incident that occured Monday: “I stop two guys walking in Revelle quad, moving fast huffing and puffing. I ask, ‘Why are you moving so fast?’ They respond with some lame excuse, like, ‘Oh, our last class was in Warren and we have 10 minutes to get to York.’ Ha! Likely story. So then I ask, ‘What are you carrying in that backpack?

More Post-Its?’” Stork chuckled, “The guys looked pale as all hell when I asked that. I shook down both of them. The first guy's bag, out flops a bag of mushrooms, a rope, and a loaded handgun. All clean.

The second guy, however, was a big score. I sifted through his binders, launched his textbooks into the air, let them smack onto the concrete. I even smashed open his new bottle of cologne, just to see if he had stuffed any contraband inside. I almost gave up, but there it was: the Post-Its neatly packed in a plastic wrap. I slammed him to the ground and dragged him to my golf cart. This is why we stay vigilant against all levels of threats to the community.”

While some Post-It artists have taken their works down in fear, many leave them up in defiance. An underground network of sticky note dealers have emerged in support for this resistance. “They can’t keep silencing us like this,” the anonymous student said, however, law enforcement is as resilient as ever. “We hope to make the community a better, purer place through this initiative,” said Stork while dragging another student into his cart. “We’re already making so much of a difference, and I hope, one day, we can live in a world where no one writes ‘SEND NUDES’ on their dorm window.”

Yearning for the day we can print videos

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October 27, 2021

The mq gets bought out in a hostile takeover recently, we were bought out by some awesome, sweet, and superHot businEssmen! and we totally had a say in it! they’ve changed aLmost everything about our paPer in the best way possible! we’re so gratefUl for the sophiSticated new ideas they’ve added to our team! We need to CAPITALIZE on this chance.

Meet your New Staff:

Staff Writers

Infinite Monkeys on Infinite Typewriters

Graphics Editor

Shitty MS Paint Drawings to Save Money

To Do List

Editor-in-Chief

A Figurehead who Writes Thinkpieces About Why Billionaires Don’t Need to Pay Taxes

Soc/Pub Editor

House Full of Instagram Influencers

Copy Editor

A Subscription to Grammarly

The MQ’s New Logo: SYNERgYIND

F MEEtING TO A OUT WH T

1. Apologize to all the com panies we’ve ever insulted 2. Start punching down s 3. Explain all our joke in excruciating detail w 4. Fix all the bugs in our ne mobile game

SYNERgY MEANS AT 12pm

OUR 3 NEW LOCATIONS: • Ninth Floor of Geisel Center of Commerce • The Ruins of Foodworx • SDSU

New and Improved MQ Features: New Policies • Everyone Is Required to Wear a Dunce Cap • Everyone Must Pay 15% of their Annual Income to The MQ • All Potluck Food Must be Homemade • The MQ Now Allows Memes • The MQ Can Now Say Fuck 5 Times

• Top Ten Gov• Top Ten Middle ernments in School Problems Latin America We’re All Going We’d like to See Through Right Overthrown Now #Fortnite • Top Ten Russian • Top Ten Types MILF Ads on of MicroplasOur Website tics We Now • Top Ten NFTs Have We Made