December 29th 2022 Issue

YOU MAY BE CARRYING MORE THAN YOU KNOW.

1 in ~ 12 Ashkenazi Jews is a carrier for Gaucher Disease.

Gaucher Disease is an inherited, progressive condition that affects approximately 1 in 850 members of the Ashkenazi community.

While carriers have no symptoms, they can unknowingly pass the condition on to their children. Speak to your doctor today. Learn more at gauchercare.com

Dear Readers,

ll of the stories involving the 12 Shvatim, the 12 brothers, remind me how Klal Yisroel is one huge family, drama and all. We often revere our Avos and other Tzaddikim of the Torah on a much higher level than us, superior in Mitzvos, connection to Hashem, and piousness.

While I don’t dismiss that, I’ve learned even more from Sefer Bereishis about human nature, mankind, and family while learning Parsha as an adult, more than I could ever have understood as a child. We see the humanity in their actions. We see the typical family dynamics. No one had it easy then either, one trial or tribulation after the next. There are a lot of problems when you have 12+ children.

Sibling rivalry is one of them. When many of today’s kids may yell at a sibling, “I wish you were never born!” At least today, they’re not throwing their brother into a pit and leaving him for dead. Poor Yaakov Avinu! And Poor Yosef HaTzaddik! We learn, however, that when Yosef was reunited with his brothers, he never blamed them for what they had done. Instead, he took responsibility for the jealousy he caused in his

youth. Now taking responsibility may be a foreign concept for youth, and even adults, in this day and age. Yet something so very important to remind ourselves of.

In this issue, we have Rabbi Daniel Grama discussing how one’s internal locus is where one should focus. Mrs. Sheindy Gross discusses the role of responsibility, warmth, and communication in fostering relationships. In our community profile, JHubLA focuses on young adults taking responsibility for their Judaism at whichever level they are on and making it theirs. Mrs. Miriam Hendeles reminds us to take responsibility for our time so that our busyness doesn’t control our choices.

You can also sign up on our website for delivery of the LA Jewish Home newspaper, receiving each issue at your door!

Wishing you a beautiful Shabbos that is still radiating post-Chanukah,

Ariela

Yoel Halpern

PUBLISHER publisher@thelajewishhome.com

Sara Halpern EDITOR-IN-CHIEF sara@thelajewishhome.com

Ariela Kauffman

MANAGING EDITOR editor@thelajewishhome.com

Avi Heyman

HEAD OF SALES avi@thelajewishhome.com

Dorit Teichman

ASSOCIATE EDITOR

8950 W Olympic Blvd #147 Beverly Hills, CA 90211

Tel: 213-538-7770

www.TheLAJewishHome.com

The LA Jewish Home is an independent biweekly magazine. Opinions expressed by writers are not necessarily the opinions of the publisher or editor. All submissions become the property of The LA Jewish Home and may be edited for publication. Pictures may be modified at our discretion to conform to standards of modesty in dress. The Jewish Home is not responsible for typographical errors, or for the kashrus of any advertised product or business advertised within.

Shabbos Zemanim

Friday, December 30

Parshas Vayigash

Shabbos Begins: 4:35pm

Shabbos Ends: 5:39pm

Rabbeinu Tam: 6:06pm

Friday, January 6

Parshas Vayechi

Shabbos Begins: 4:40pm

Shabbos Ends: 5:44pm

Rabbeinu Tam: 6:11pm

A 90 Years, a Menorah of Defiance

They had never been to Germany and said they never had the desire to go to the place where their relatives had been persecuted or had died in the Holocaust. Gilo said that changed for her this year after the mayor of the Posner family’s former hometown, Kiel, wrote to them.

It’s Sunny in California

Rachel Posner, a rabbi’s wife in Kiel, Germany, took a photograph in 1931 that she had no idea would one day resonate with people across the world: It was of her family’s Hanukkah menorah, nine candles framed in a window through which a large Nazi banner could be seen hanging across the street. “‘Death to Judah,’ so the flag says. ‘Judah lives forever,’ so the light answers,” she scribbled defiantly on the back of the photograph. Now, 90 years since her family fled Germany with the menorah, it has returned, along with her descendants, to be lit for the first time in the country since the family escaped.“ It was a complicated decision to come here. I had mixed feelings about going to Germany,” said Nava Gilo, Posner ’s granddaughter. She and her brother brought the menorah with them from Israel, where the family has made a home since fleeing Germany in 1933 before the country was established.

He invited them to visit an exhibition about their family’s history —and their iconic photo. The Posner descendants decided not just to come to Germany but to bring the menorah with them. For most of the year, the menorah is exhibited at the Yad Vashem museum in Jerusalem.

The family donated it on the condition that it could reclaim the heirloom every Hanukkah. Its visit to Germany this year, organized by the German Friends of Yad Vashem, began with a trip to Kiel and ended Monday, the second night of Hanukkah, with the lighting of the menorah on a window sill at Berlin’s grand Bellevue Palace, the official residence of the German president. “We are experiencing the wonderful gift of reconciliation,” said the president, Frank-Walter Steinmeier, at the start of the ceremony. “And today, we see that 90 years after this menorah was last lit in Germany, there is once again a daily Jewish life here.” (© The New York Times)

EU Wants to Give Palestinians Area C

Want to be happy? Move to California. Six of the top 10 happiest cities in the United States are located in the Golden State, according to a new ranking from SmartAsset that assessed 13 different metrics related to personal finance, well-being, and quality of life. Sunnyvale, California, nabbed the top slot on the list. Located in Silicon Valley, it was bumped to the top spot in part because it’s home to the largest number of individuals making $100,000 or more each year. It’s also home to the third-lowest percentage of adults living below the poverty level. Sunnyvale was followed by Arlington, Virginia; Bel-

levue, Washington; Fremont, California; and Frisco, Texas, on the list. California cities tended to score highest in the quality-of-life category, with lower percentages of people living in poverty, higher marriage rates, and lower crime rates overall, data showed. Plano, Texas; Roseville, California; San Jose, California; Santa Clarita, California; and Irvine, California, rounded out the top 10 happiest cities. Except for Arlington, married couples make up the majority of the other nine happiest cities’ populations. In Arlington, the marriage rate is 44 percent. Frisco, Texas, had the highest marriage rate of all U.S. cities at 62.6 percent. On the other side of the happiness scale, Birmingham, Alabama, ranked the least happy city in the nation, coming out in the bottom five among personal bankruptcy filings per capita, life expectancy, and percentage of residents living in poverty. It was joined by Newark, N.J., and Memphis, Tennessee, which ranked as the second and third least-happy cities in the analysis.

Kids’ Meds Limited

The European Union is formulating a new program to protect Palestinian claims in parts of the West Bank fully controlled by Israel, known as Area C, according to a confidential document reported by Israeli television. The six-page document from June 2022, titled “European Joint Development Programme for Area C,” says that the EU “aims at defending the rights of Palestinians living in Area C and preserving Area C as part of a future Palestinian State in line with the Oslo Accords.” It also lays out practical steps such as mapping out land in Area C, according to Israel’s Channel 13 news, which broke the story on Monday. The EU document discusses the need to provide legal aid to Palestinians in Israeli courts to protect their claims and to monitor Israeli archaeological digs in Area C, which it sees as a tool Israel uses to tighten and justify its control over the West Bank. Ultimately, the EU would like to see Area C combined with Areas A and B, with no distinction between them, according to the report.

Under the 1993 Oslo Accords, the

West Bank was split into three administrative divisions, with Area A controlled by the Palestinian Authority, Area B under split control, and Area C —the largest section, constituting about 60 percent of the territory —remaining fully under Israeli control.

Area C, which is the only contiguous section of the West Bank and contains the most fertile land and valuable natural resources, was supposed to be gradually transferred to Palestinian jurisdiction. The Israeli settlements are located in Area C. The EU’s delegation to Israel did not confirm the report’s authenticity. “Our policy regarding the West Bank has not changed: The EU is united in its commitment to achieving a two-state solution with the State of Israel living side by side in peace, security, and mutual recognition with an independent, democratic, contiguous, sovereign and viable State of Palestine, with Jerusalem as the future capital of both states,” it said. Area C is today home to around 400,000 Israelis, with 70% of the land off-limits for Palestinian development.

CVS and Walgreens both put limits on the purchases of children’s pain relief medications due to increased demand and supplier challenges. CVS is restricting both in-person and online purchases to two children’s pain relief products. Walgreens has limited online purchases to six overthe-counter fever reducers per transaction, but it currently does not have an in-store purchase limit. “Due to increased demand and various supplier challenges, over-thecounter pediatric fever-reducing products are seeing constraints across the country,” Walgreens said in a statement. The limits were put into place “in an effort to help support availability and avoid excess purchases. ”The limits were placed to “ensure

equitable access” for all customers, according to a statement from CVS. According to the Consumer Healthcare Products Association, sales of pediatric pain relievers are up 65% from this time last year. “Supplies of these products are being replenished as quickly as possible, and there is not a widespread shortage in the U.S. However, with demand for children’s pain and fever medicines reaching unprecedented levels following this early and severe flu season (along with cases of RSV and COVID), we understand why some retailers have adjusted to impose limits on purchases,” the group said in a statement. The moves by CVS and Walgreens come amid a brutal respiratory virus season that continues to strain pediatric hospitals. Young children are particularly vulnerable to RSV, which has hospitalized more than 4 out of every 1,000 children under five this season, according to data from the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. In addition to RSV cases, which have been shown to have decreased nationally, flu activity remains high, along with cases of Covid-19.

A Menorah Masterpiece

A menorah in Tel Aviv is making headlines for being the world’s largest menorah made completely out of Legos. It was built last Thursday and measures more than 14 feet tall. Amnon (Marc) Applbaum, a commercial real estate developer and engineer who was appointed by the project as a measurement specialist, said, “I hereby declare that this menorah beats the

current Guinness Record for the largest LEGO brick menorah, which was 4x4x0.3 meters. I measured it to be 4.5 meters high, which is 14.7 feet, by 4.4 meters wide.”The giant Chanukah lamp is made out of more than 130,000 Lego bricks. Yoav Gaon, CEO of Tor Group and LEGO Israel, noted, “Lego values of creativity, imagination, learning, fun, and quality were brought to life through the incredible event of creating the largest menorah from 130,000 Lego bricks, as hundreds of kids, parents, and grandparents attempted to break the Guinness record.

”The menorah is standing tall at the Tel Aviv shopping mall Dizengoff Center. Talk about Pirsumei nisa.

Chabad of the Valley’s Chanukah at Universal Studios CityWALK once again lived up to its reputation as amongst the largest Chanukah events in the world. The mega event made its postcovid return to the CityWALK venue and the crowds showed up en-masse. Thousands flocked to the plaza at Universal Studios CityWALK for the annual event which for many has become the highlight of the eight-day Chanukah Holiday. A program of non-stop electrifying entertainment, headlined by the TikTok sensations, Yerachmiel Begun, and the Miami Boys Choir and the lighting of a towering 15-foot, 1,000 pound Menorah.

Chanukah at CityWALK Producer, Jonathan Herzog said “ we have had been doing this for many years…. have had incredibly successful events, but nothing comes close to the excitement generated at this event. The energy of the crowd was off the charts.” Social media

attention following the event has been staggering, with over 3 million viewing video highlights in the days following the event.

Chanukah at CityWALK also showcased live entertainment from other top Jewish music artists including popular Israeli singer Benny Elbaz, Mendel and Zalman Simons, DJ EZZI, and a surprise guest appearance by Yoni Z with his new hit song for the festival “Happy Chanukah.”

In previous years, the former President at the studios had proclaimed the event had perhaps earned its place amongst “the largest Chanukah events in the world.” Chanukah at CityWALK is sponsored by an anonymous donor and many corporate sponsors and is dedicated in the loving memory of Rabbi Joshua B.Gordon ob”m, the founding Shliach of Chabad of the Valley. Rabbi Gordon ob”m, opened the first of the valley Chabad houses some 50 years ago and under his leadership, along with Chabad of the Valley’s Associate Director, Rabbi Mordechai Einbinder, Chabad of the Valley now operates across 31 cities and college campuses across the valley, including one of its newest branches, the host City of the event: Chabad of Universal City.

This past week, Emek was pleased to host a Mother & Daughter Pre-Chanukah Art Night for pre-1st through 8thgrade girls. The evening began with a lovely pizza and salad dinner served in

our decorated gymnasium. Mothers and daughters had the opportunity to catch up with their contemporaries while enjoying a delicious meal. After dinner, everyone made their way to the 3rd-floor auditorium to partake in the creation of beautiful Chanukiot. With over 340 participants in attendance, the ladies were amazed by the gorgeous orange and pink-themed decor and extraordinary dessert table. Everyone was given Jenga game pieces and colorful paints to craft their own unique Chanukiah. A huge thank you to Sandra Maldonado for spearheading the entire event, and Destiny Rodriguez and our parent volunteers who came to set up, serve, and clean up after the event!

Chanukah Around The World was amazing! What a great way to spread and share in the light of this wonderful holiday. Over 330 Friendship Circle families and volunteers gathered together for an afternoon of joy and celebration. Everyone loved the ‘Around the World’ lunch buffet which featured food from different countries and was piled high with crispy latkes and delicious donuts. The awesome performance by “ The Broken Juggler,” who balanced and juggled everything from shoes to wheelbarrows, had the crowd super excited and enthralled! While the kids enjoyed an array of Chanukah and travel-themed crafts, our moms created their own dream

vacation jars and received a $50 gift card to get it started.

The menorah lighting was especially poignant as our FCLA friends took turns practicing to light the menorah, say the blessings, and sing Chanukah songs. Participants and every one of their siblings each received a Chanukah gift of their choice and went home with huge smiles all around.

Many thanks to the Joy & Jerry Monkarsh Foundation for sponsoring the event and to the Elishis Family, Alan Kleinman, Jaqueline Saturn, Looking Beyond Next Gen, and others for sponsoring the awesome Chanukah gifts.

Julie Monkarsh-Gadinsky, Jonah Gadinsky and Isaac Gadinsky

Harkham Hillel’s Shuk Chessed

Last week at Harkham Hillel Hebrew Academy, the Ivrit workbook became a reality!

It all started from a simple story about Chessed in the Ivrit workbook and following the guidelines of “effective learning.” Our 4th-grade students led a Shuk Chessed in which all funds were donated to Chai Lifeline to buy gifts and toys for the children supported by this amazing organization. There were 12 different stations at the Shuk created by Hillel’s 4th-grade students. The elementary school students came to the Shuk, purchased food and drinks, and played special games, all

created by students. It was amazing to hear throughout the day the students’ conversations expressing how good it feels to do Chessed, to make someone else happy and bring joy to the other. We are proud to announce that the 4th-grade students raised $1700 towards purchasing gifts for the children of Chai Lifeline.

Randi Grossman, the Director of Chai Lifeline West Coast, came to the Shuk to see it firsthand and meet with the students. She was grateful to see that Hillel’s students not only raised funds to purchase an abundance of toys for Chai Lifeline but did so with such enthusiasm

and heart. Their gifts will bring a lot of happiness to a lot of children!

We are so proud of our students and our Kehilla for supporting this amazing project!

tcla.touro.edu

LINK SEM Hosts a Special Chanukah Chagigah

On the second night of Chanukah, Monday, December 19th, the LINK SEM hosted its first Chanukah Chagigah at the beautiful home of Michael and Rachel Malk (dedicated members of LINK). It featured beautiful Divrei Torah from Mrs. Karen Geiger, Mrs. Sharona Kaplan, and Mrs. Miriam Yerushalmi. There was also a segment of Zumba dancing led by instructor Melissa Gruenfeld. The LINK SEM was founded by the LINK Kollel to service young women ages 18-35 who attended local Yeshiva Day Schools to help augment their Torah learning and to keep the inspiration from their Seminary years vibrant and relevant to their lives. Young women from LINK’s TLC outreach program (for women of the same age group who did not grow up with a Torah background) were invited to join the festivities as well, which included many types of delicious refreshments.

Discover More at Touro College Los Angeles

For more information tourola.admissions@touro.edu tcla.touro.edu

Sister Program

YAYOE’s Big Sister/Little Sister program for 3rd through 8th graders has been developed over decades to foster a reciprocal relationship of learning and giving between girls in different grades. It also helps develop a school culture of warmth and achdus. In addition to participating in many fun and meaningful programs throughout the year, the girls are encouraged to reach out in creative and fun (non-monetary, non-caloric) ways regularly.

This year’s Big and Little Sister theme is I Spy. Last week was a suspense-filled one, as the big sisters sent anonymous notes and clues to their little sisters, who were yet unaware of their identities. On Wednesday of Chanukah, the big sisters sent their little sisters the final clue: a card with a “last seen” location and a description of something each sister would be wearing. The little

sisters excitedly headed to the auditorium, where they found their big sisters in the designated “locations,” dressed up in wacky accessories. All the sisters then participated in an ice-breaker/Chanukah celebration.

The girls played a fun getting-toknow-you game of mad libs and then were treated to an encore presentation of the Junior High Shabbaton performances. Everyone enjoyed the skit, which was performed with spirit and skill. In addition to being funny and entertaining, it contained important messages of Hakaras Hatov. The three dance groups displayed exciting choreography and great energy and coordination. Finally, the girls enjoyed lunch together outside.

We’re looking forward, IY”H, to a wonderful year of Big Sister-Little Sister.

Mazel Tov to YAYOE’s First-Grade Boys and First-Grade Girls On Their Seforim Parties!

Parents, grandparents, and siblings of the first-grade girls were filled with nachas on Wednesday, December 14, as they packed the auditorium for a spectacular performance. The show was filled with Divrei Torah, songs, and dances on the themes of tefillah, Chanukah, and Yerushalayim. The girls articulated their parts loudly and clearly, sang with enthusiasm, and danced complex choreographies.

The performance was followed by Divrei Bracha from Rabbi Goldberg, who said that in Birkos Kriyas Shema, we ask Hashem for triple rachamim in helping us learn and understand Torah. He thus connected tefillah and Torah and their critical importance in the life of a Jew.

Then, each girl came up to receive her Siddur and Chumash. After a beautiful reception, the girls and their mothers decorated an embossed foil menorah.

On Thursday, December 15, the parents and grandparents of our first grade boys enjoyed a wonderful celebration as the boys received their first Chumashim.

Rabbi Bondi shared Divrei Bracha from Rabbi Goldberg (who unfortunately was sick) and then spoke about how special the day is that one receives his Chumash. It is a Yom Tov, almost like Shavuos, because it is as if he is getting the Torah directly from HaShem.

Each boy presented a special personality from Tanach, and the class sang several songs—including a special surprise song written and composed by our very own Mr. Eliyahu Krause!

Mazel Tov to our incredible firstgrade boys and first-grade girls. May they be zoche to daven from their siddurim and learn from their chumashim every day with the same passion and love they had on the day they received it!

Spivak Hebrew Academy

Fires Up

Chanukah!

Spivak Hebrew Academy began their Chanukah week with fire safety skills to prepare for the candle lighting on Chanukah. The elementary students went on a special field trip to the California Science Center Museum to learn about fire safety. The students learned about how to stay safe when around or near a fire, including a very important skill of learning how to use a fire extinguisher. Following lunch, the children continued kindling the spiritual flame by singing Birkat Hamazon benching with a beautiful rendition of “Al Hanisim.”

Later in the week, the parents were invited to join in a school-wide Chanukah Chagiga. The Early Childhood invited parents to the classrooms to

create wonderful Chanukah crafts with their children while enjoying delicious sufganiyot! Then everyone was invited to the outdoor courtyard for a beautiful singalong filled with Chanukah melodies. The festivities finished off with parents and children dancing together!

The Elementary students invited their parents to a Chanukah Arts Showcase, starting with a student musical chorale, led by musician, Hodaya Singer. Following the performance, the parents joined the students in Israeli dance instruction led by dance instructor Karin Weitzman. Then, the parents were led to an art exhibit of beautifully made Chanukah pieces, under the instruction of art instructor Tziporah Kavosh.

Additionally, the students displayed very creative and wonderful homemade Chanukiyot. The students were given the task to create a Chanukiyah at home from any materials they chose while incorporating the laws and customs of Chanukah that they learned. Some Chanukiyot featured nail polish bottles, while others were made from soda cans, Legos, and plastic shot glasses covered in colorful rainbow-colored tissue paper. The students and parents finished off their festivities by enjoying delicious sufganiyot and playing dreidel.

Young Israel of Los Angeles Hosts Friday Night Seuda

Machon High School Students Experience the “Power Up” Museum

More than 150 people enjoyed a community Friday Night Seuda at Young Israel of Los Angeles on Shabbos Parshas Vayeshev. YILA has been having homestyle Shabbos Dinners every two to three months, and each time the crowd gets bigger. “The response has been so great, that we had to rent a tent this time to fit everyone in. The most we can fit inside is 95,” says Mendel Levin, President of YILA.

“I’ve been at YILA for 30 years. When I first started davening here, the Shul was packed with the original members, mostly European immigrants, and Holocaust survivors – geshmake Yidden, each with their own incredible stories from the heim, and all of them committed to building Yiddishkeit in Los Angeles. Ours was the first frum Shul in the area; every family that has been in LA for more than 30 years or so, has a connection. We’re going into our 70th year now, and although our area has completely changed, we’ve been stepping up to the challenge, and with the leadership of a few dedicated people, we’re continuing the legacy of Torah, Tefilla, and community service.”

“In connection with our 70th anniversary, we are planning a capital improvement campaign that will allow us to make long overdue improvements to the building, and expand our programs.” www.yila.org

When Machon students visited the “Power Up” museum, they were introduced to the many different facets of technology use in this day and age. Through 15 interactive exhibits, we explored the cost and the benefits of our new digital lifestyle so that our students could be equipped with the knowledge and awareness to make healthy digital choices.

Through the exhibits, the girls were able to experience and learn about

topics, such as our ability to focus, the rise of anxiety, the changes in the ways we communicate, the new social frontier of relationships, the effect on our sense of self and body image, as well as a major benefit: the proliferation of Torah.

At the end of the museum, there were 8 different challenges that the Machon girls were able to try out to build healthy habits and harness the power of technology for the good.

Week Full of Chanukah Activities at Yeshivat Yavneh

It was a jam-packed week at Yavneh, as we celebrated Chanukah with a bang! Students jumped for joy at our glow-in-the-dark Chanukah chagiga with special kangaroo shoes, and were even treated to a glow-in-the-dark arcade room later on in the week. First-grade students performed a special Chanukah play for their parents and built special menorot with them after the play, and our thirdgrade girls had a special Hakdamas Rashi play for their mothers, as they celebrated the start of Rashi kriyah and havana.

Our middle school students gave back to our community by cooking and

packing meals for the needy at OBKLA, and sang their hearts out at our Chanukah karaoke competition to close out the week. Our younger elementary students learned how to make chocolate gelt at the one and only Kosher Chocolate Factory, which paid us a special visit and met with all of our younger grades. Students also had the special opportunity to celebrate Chanukah at the homes of their Rebbeim and Morot, as they played games, sang songs, and participated in fun Chanukah activities with their families.

We won’t soon forget Chanukah 5783 at Yeshivat Yavneh!

Love N Groceries Chanukah Shop N Shmooze

Tashbar’s Daily Chanukah Celebrations

Chanukah at Tashbar is an unforgettable experience! Each day is a new and exciting event. This year our week started with winter wonderland musical chairs for our boys in the ‘snow’ and glow-in-the-dark dancing for our girls. On Tuesday, we had two different magicians perform for our students. Alan Rich, the Magician/Comedian, and Alexander Great! Our students were mesmerized as they watched things appear, disappear, and transform right in front of their eyes! On Wednesday, our students were treated to a delicious dairy hot lunch at our Chanukah Chagiga

with words of inspiration by Rabbi Nachi Klein. Thursday’s grand finale was our annual Tashbar’s Got Talent talent show! Aside from the incredible acts and performances, the achdut shown by the students and their joy and excitement for their friends was beautiful to see!

In addition to all the fun in school, our 1st-8th grade rebbeim and morot hosted beautiful Chanukah parties in their homes for their students. Memories that will surely last a lifetime!

The joy, warmth, camaraderie, and happiness at Tashbar are truly unparalleled! Chanukah Sameach!

MAGEN AM - COMMUNITY UPDATE

The number for the MAGEN AM La Brea/Hancock Park 24/7 EMERGENCY HOTLINE is 1-844-MAGEN-AM (844-624-3626). Please call if you see anything suspicious or dangerous.

Recently released statistics continue to show that antisemitism and general crime are on the rise at alarming rates.

23% increase in hate crimes

74% of all religiously motivated hate crimes targets Jews

23% increase in vehicle thefts

16% increase in robberies

10% increase in aggravated assaults.

Unfortunately, as crime has increased, the actual number of arrests made has DECREASED by 10%! These numbers are troubling, to say the least,

and continue to highlight the importance of the work that is being done at Magen Am to secure the community from within.

In addition to our daily community patrol and 24/7 Emergency hotline, Magen Am has provided security for a community-wide Hanachas Sefer Torah celebration as well as the Chanukah Street Fair.

Magen Am also ran an active shooter seminar for one of the Magen Am protected schools and held 5 training sessions for the incoming Community Team Member group (embedded, highly-trained, volunteer security officers). All this is in addition to the ongoing security provided for schools and shuls.

On Tuesday, December 6th, Love N Groceries, a nonprofit organization supporting widows, widowers, and their children, hosted their second annual Chanukah Shopping event. The event was graciously hosted by Ariele and Jeremy Abesera and was a huge success. The LNG team prepared over 30 note cards with the profile of a child, along with various gift suggestions. Then members of our community were able to stop by and pick up a card, head on to Amazon, and purchase and ship gifts right on the spot! All of the LNG children’s gifts were bought through the incredible generosity of donors and volun-

teers. Ariele prepared a gorgeous grazing table with salads and refreshments. Vendors such as Ketsy Jewelers, Jemma Gifts, Bonsai by Ash, Perfect White Tee, Fashion Bistro, and Boujie Bites, were also there to showcase their businesses while donating a portion of proceeds to LNG. Beverlywood Med was also on hand boosting everyone’s immunity with B-12 shots. Thank you to the amazing Los Angeles community for your sponsorships, donations, support, and love for this very worthy cause.

To learn more about this organization or to make a donation please visit www.lovengroceries.com.

Maor Students with the Maccabeats

On Tuesday, December 6th, Love N Groceries, a nonprofit organization supporting widows, widowers, and their children, hosted their second annual Chanukah Shopping event. The event was graciously hosted by Ariele and Jeremy Abesera and was a huge success. The LNG team prepared over 30 note cards with the profile of a child, along with various gift suggestions. Then members of our community were able to stop by and pick up a card, head on to Amazon, and purchase and ship gifts right on the spot! All of the LNG children’s gifts were bought through the incredible generosity of donors and volunteers. Ariele prepared a gorgeous grazing

table with salads and refreshments. Vendors such as Ketsy Jewelers, Jemma Gifts, Bonsai by Ash, Perfect White Tee, Fashion Bistro, and Boujie Bites, were also there to showcase their businesses while donating a portion of proceeds to LNG. Beverlywood Med was also on hand boosting everyone’s immunity with B-12 shots. Thank you to the amazing Los Angeles community for your sponsorships, donations, support, and love for this very worthy cause.

To learn more about this organization or to make a donation please visit www.lovengroceries.com.

Chanukah Party at a Time for Dance

A Time for Dance students from the valley, Pico Robertson, and La Brea studios came together to celebrate Chanukah on Motzei Shabbos December 17. Everyone had a blast painting a Chanukah-themed dancer on canvas and simcha dancing!

Shalom Bayit Through

the Parsha

Torah Thought

Parshas Vayechi

Parshas Vayigash

Does your wife not see she’s wrong? What do you do when facing an irrational situation?

Judah found himself in such an irrational situation in שגיו. Judah needed to let Joseph know how he felt. And he did it in a way that takes total responsibility for those feelings. He did not say, “What you are doing is crazy irrational” because that would be accusatory. Instead, he said, “I’m confused. Here’s what happened”1 and then goes off to relate the chain of events from his point of view.

Your boy is yelling out expletives. You overhear your wife yelling at him “wait until Aba comes home! He’ll set you straight!” You don’t like that. “You always make me the bad guy!” You yell at her, and now everyone is yelling.

When you express your emotions, your wife cannot tell you “no, you don’t feel this way.” Nor can she tell you how you should feel. So use clear and respectful words. Yes, some of them may be unpleasant, but none of them should be fighting or insulting words, for the sake of Shalom Bayit.

Rabbi Nir and his wife Atrian give regular classes on Shalom Bayit. His popular 3-minute podcast is funny and draws Shalom Bayit ideas from the Torah portion of the week. To register: ShalomInComics@gmail.com

One of the most widely known Hebrew words is L’chaim. Even Jews with limited knowledge of Hebrew can tell you that L’chaim means to life.

Interesting to note then that, strictly speaking, it actually doesn’t mean to life; it means to lives.

The Hebrew word for life is Chaim and Chaim is a plural noun that does not have

unacceptable. Faith challenges a person to shoulder the responsibilities G-d gives us in life while allowing G-d to play His role - to “live His life” - as well.

A life lived this way features hard work, smart business, self-care, and wise parenting, but on a bedrock of trust in G-d. I know that I need to try my best, but I know that apart from my moral choices, the results

a singular form. People will contend that the singular word is chai but chai is not a noun (life) but an adjective - alive.

A life is only a life when it is lived with the awareness that it comprises plural lives. A life lived only for oneself and for no one else is hardly a life. True life is one that assists and helps out with another - or many others. That’s called living. Such a life is driven by a desire to listen to others, hear their needs, and practice generosity and kindness to change their life for the better. This drive is born both by a love for others and the knowledge that there is no better way to live my own life than in service to others. Lives, not life.

A life lived only for the here and now with no thought of a higher purpose and the life of the soul is hardly a life. Just as the body lives, the soul lives, and to nurture only one of those lives is no life. True life links the life of the body to the life of the soul, makes choices that elevate the soul’s agenda above the body’s, and ultimately elevates the body to its true potential as well.

Such a life is lived with days and nights filled with the pursuit of the body’s needs but also the soul’s. One will eat healthily, and also Kosher. One will work to earn a living, and never on Shabbat. One will put a roof over his and his family’s heads and Mezuzot will go on the doorposts. The morning will feature toothbrushing and stretching and also Modeh Ani and Tefillin. Lives, not life. Finally, a life lived without thought of the source of life is no life. To live life with no thought of G-d who gave that life to me is

are not in my hands but in His. My anxiety is down as is my slavery to bosses, clients, trends, and markets. I work smart and I work hard, but I don’t try to play G-d. I let Him do that. Lives, not life.

A person who lives these lives and not just “a life” is blessed. His or her life is purpose-driven, generous, trusting, and packed with Mitzvot. In short, it’s a good, happy life.

And it’s a life that doesn’t end. Such a life carries on in the World to Come and the days of Moshiach. Such a life continues on in the lives it touched, inspired, and improved.

When a person’s children learn to live this way too, the parent lives on in the children.

When friends or even strangers have their lives eased, bettered, or deepened by my life, I live on in them. When my body helps my soul find joy and connection in the act of many Mitzvot, the body lives on in the eternal life of the soul.

When one lives with faith in G-d and dedication to His plan for the world, that life bonds with the Source of life and never dies.

Thus, this week’s Parsha, containing the story of Yaakov’s passing, is called Vayechi -“Yaakov lived.” Yaakov’s kind of life doesn’t die.

Yaakov modeled life for us, and if we live as he lived, our lives too gain eternity. We need only remember to live lives, not just a life. If we do that, all our days will be one long, joyous and meaningful, “L’chaim! To lives!”

Rabbi Eli Friedman is the director of Chabad of Calabasas.

“A life is only a life when it is lived with the awareness that it comprises plural lives.”

Rabbi Eli Friedman

Rabbi Nir Yacoby

What’s Your Locus?

One of my favorite therapy concepts comes from the studies of Dr. Julian Rotter. Dr. Rotter, a Jewish psychologist renowned in the field of social development, was known as one of the most eminent psychologists of the twentieth century. In 1966 he published a report of his findings, that people respond to circumstances in two distinct styles, the External Locus and the Internal Locus.

External Locus, (locus is Latin for place), is a response that is based on elements outside of one’s control, while Internal Locus is a response focusing on elements within a person’s own abilities. Hence, when confronted by a challenge, we can either assume that the solution exists in a place that is out of my control -External Locus or the resolution can be found within my control - Internal Locus. Recently, I spoke with someone who was blaming his employer, a friend, for

tions pivot on this concept, as well as the general notion of peer pressure. Even the schools we choose for our children or the budgetary standard of a Simcha can often boil down to what is dictated to us. As we said earlier, taking control doesn’t automatically assume doing something contrary, rather we want to ensure that we are not surrendering ourselves to the external pressure of others, but connecting to our

“The internal locus is nurtured in an emotionally healthy environment. Studies show that one of the greatest determinants of a child’s locus is the atmosphere in which they are raised.”

the nominal salary that he was earning. “I took this job figuring that he would take care of me,” he complained. Being a hired employee throughout my own career made it quite simple for me to be empathetic toward his position. Yet, his approach was classic External Locus. He was totally fixated on his boss. Even if we opine that his assumption was valid, he would be much better off considering what he can do about it now instead of musing over how the boss “betrayed” him.

So, in our example, what would an internal control response look like? 1) He can choose to request a raise. 2) He can consider looking for a better position. And, if neither of these options works, 3) he can reckon the pros and cons of his situation and make a rational decision. Please understand, internal control doesn’t necessarily imply that he switches jobs, but rather that he switches attitudes! Instead of wallowing in useless frustration, he should look into his own toolkit for his best option and self-determine his career path.

At the beginning of the school year, I present my classroom norms to my students. One of them is, “Don’t credit me for your good grades, and don’t blame me for the poor ones.” Shifting blame or deflecting credit are portents of someone in the external locus. In teaching my students to internalize their lack of success, I am ultimately helping them enjoy the pleasure of taking credit for their hard-earned achievements.

The Locus of Control theory is more relevant in our lives than we realize.

own values and making the choices that are best for ourselves.

An important qualification is that external or internal locus doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing lifestyle. A person may maintain internal control in some areas of their life and still be under external control in others. What’s important is one’s preparedness to shift into the internal locus.

Another characteristic of External Locus is the art of blaming. Blame shifting is usually overt, but it can also be done in a subtle manner. Ending a conversation with comments such as, “Ok, let me go..” or “I know that you have things to do..” or “I need to take care of something, anyway we were just schmoozing..” are all indirect ways of saying that the other person is causing the conversation to close. Conversely, comments such as, “I love chatting with you, but I need to…” is recognizing that it is a personal decision to conclude and move onward.

The internal locus is nurtured in an emotionally healthy environment. Studies show that one of the greatest determinants of a child’s locus is the atmosphere in which they are raised. “The rejection, hostile control, lack of warmth, and unpredictability that characterize the styles of parents that perpetrate maltreatment, cause their children to adopt an external locus of control.[1]”

A stable atmosphere creates stable people. When children are overly blamed, they are taught to blame. When children are rejected, or not properly seen, they are taught that they are not valued as a per-

son, and therefore do not develop proper self-value to accept responsibility for their actions. Internal fortitude is a muscle that needs to be trained and developed to build solid emotional strength.

We find two concepts in halacha that express the fundament of this idea. One is regarding judgments rendered in Beis Din, the halachic court system, and the other is regarding judgments rendered in the heavenly courts. Regarding our court system, we are taught that in order to mete out punishment, the perpetrator must be forewarned about their wrongdoing and the punishment they will sustain. Subsequently, they must verbally accept the consequences.

Concerning the heavenly courts, we are taught that Hashem only punishes middah knegged middah, measure for measure. These two halachic systems develop within us a strong internal locus. The obligatory verbal acceptance forces us to recognize that we are in control of our destiny. We own up to our actions when we are compelled to accept their consequences. Similarly, “measure for measure” removes complaints of unfairness or randomness that make a person feel victimized. The Torah wants us to understand that things don’t just happen to us haphazardly, but are on account of our own actions.

Indeed, the entirety of the Torah is foundational to making good choices. The Torah writes, “I have placed in front of you…life and death… blessings and curses… and you should choose life.” The Torah’s mandate of making good choices nurtures our internal locus. This gives us the responsibility to make our own decisions, therefore giving us the right to revel in the pleasure of our successes.

Rabbi Grama has been involved in the LA Jewish Com munity since 1996. He currently is a Rebbe at Valley Torah High School and is the rabbi of the Westside Shul. As well, he holds an MSW from YU’s Wurtzweiler School of Social Work. Rabbi Grama can be followed every Tuesday at 6:30 pm PT on #TorahTuesday, an Instagram Live, for a brief Torah thought on the Parsha, and can be reached at danielgramamsw@gmail.com.

Rabbi Daniel Grama MSW

Happenings in the H d

Why travel over seven thousand miles to Tel Aviv when you have the next best thing a few miles away? Because there truly is nothing like the Holy Land. But when you can’t get there, you might as well settle for second best, and we did just that. We fueled up the Jeep and headed back to the Valley to Tel-Aviv Fish Grill in Tarzana.

We came for a nice weekday afternoon lunch hoping for a light crowd. Boy were we mistaken! The place was packed, no tables were available, and we quickly realized that we were the only ones speaking English. While waiting at the bar for a table to open up, we surveyed the room and not-

and perfectly cooked. Our last main was the fried whole white bass. It was a deep-fried wide-mouthed bass measuring about 18 inches in length, crispy on the outside, soft and wholesome on the inside. Watch out for the bones or have Bryan instruct the chef to remove them for you after the presentation.

We also recommend a few appetizers to pair with your fish. In particular, you can’t leave without trying their falafel balls. They are a must alongside the complementary salatim. They come crispy and brown on the outside with a remarkable lime green center. They are perfectly seasoned and potentially rank among the top falafel balls in

ed some people who looked like they had just come from Gordon Beach, some with Moshiach and Chamsa tattoos, and others very fashionable appearing ready to hit Shalvata later that night.

For starters, the service was incredible. No “Savlanut” or “Rega,” or three fingers telling us to back off. On the contrary, our waiter Bryan was phenomenal. He constantly checked on us and refilled our iced tea and limonana. When ordering, we asked him for salatim. He said, “You don’t need to order salatim, they are complementary.” Excuse me, they are what? That’s right, you get a beautiful array of all different salatim and pita complimentary! But don’t fill up on these delicious salads, the mains are where the money is at.

The mains are spectacular. We ordered three different types. The striped bass with feta and olives was our favorite; it was so decadent, buttery, and zesty. We also tried the sea bream filet with butter, garlic, and lime sauce. It was mouth-watering, fresh,

LA. For authentic Israeli flair, grab the bowl of shredded (not diced) Israeli salad and the hummus plate. These apps will make you feel like you are literally in Tel Aviv. Rounding out the apps is their roasted kohlrabi baked over a bed of soft whipped feta cheese. You can’t leave without trying it.

To finish up they gave us a slice of complimentary baklava cheesecake… wow!! Not too sweet, not too dense, and not overly nutty. It truly was perfect.

All in all, it was a great meal. There is nothing like eating moosht alongside the Kineret, but if you can’t get there, Tel Aviv Fish Grill makes a strong case for second best.

Tel-Aviv Fish Grill is under the supervision of the RCC.

“Happenings in the Hood with TMtZvi and the Doc” is a new review column of local Jewish and kosher establishments. Tzvi Ratner-Stauber is a mortgage broker in LA and Steven Kupferman is an Oral and Maxillofacial Surgeon in Century City.

JEREMY GOLDFEDER

Community Profile

JHubLA

JHubLA was born from the desire to provide a welcoming and empow ering spiritual experience for the young Jewish professionals of Los Angeles. The years following college prior to marriage and an established career can be a very difficult time of transition for many people. When everything is ahead of you, finding footholds to plant yourself as you climb the mountain of life can be invaluable. JHubLA, founded by Rabbi Mordechai Teller, sought to do just that by offering a wide variety of social and learning events for young Jewish professionals to not only find a community but ground themselves in culture.

JHubLA’s mission is to “engage young Jewish professionals in the Jewish community and help them find a soul mate and Jewish traditions while providing a place to grow and develop both professionally and spiritually.” From wild Purim and Chanukah parties to weekly Torah learning, to 10-week professional and personal development series offerings, to trips to Israel, JHubLA has a point of connec-

ern approach to Jewish outreach. While many organizations are stuck in the past, JHubLA has taken advantage of modern media and outlets to spread the message to an ever-evolving community of young Jewish professionals. By producing funny videos and publishing them on YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok we can not only advertise our events but give the community a more accessible version of what Jewish culture could look like. The best learning happens through entertainment, and nobody is better at this than the hilarious Rabbi Teller. JHubLA focuses not just on communicating the message

“What sets JHubLA apart is our modern approach to Jewish outreach. While many organizations are stuck in the past, JHubLA has taken advantage of modern media and outlets to spread the message to an ever-evolving community of young Jewish professionals.”

tion for any Jewish person, on any point of the religious spectrum.

Diving headfirst into spirituality can feel daunting, and Rabbi Teller skillfully and without any judgment meets these young Jewish professionals wherever they are in their journey and offers tools and guidance as they explore their own life and spirituality. Everyone’s path is different, and everyone has a different background and upbringing, and Rabbi Teller makes it a point to learn this information so that he can better serve the community and serve the Jewish people.

What sets JHubLA apart is our mod-

of our organization and Judaism but communicating in the language of today. Rabbi Teller has a unique gift of blending timeless biblical wisdom with modern truth, to help these young Jewish professionals overcome the hurdles they face in the fast-paced world of 2022.

A major part of what JHubLA has been able to do for the Jewish community in Los Angeles is to provide an environment where not only our community can grow personally and professionally, but also find love. The search for love is one of the most important milestones in life, and many people find this to be even more difficult in this digital age of impersonal connection. By providing social gatherings, Shabbat dinners, weekly classes, and trips, JHubLA gives young Jewish professionals a place where they can feel comfortable enough to meet other like-minded people and forge deep and lasting relationships. In the 5 years of JHubLA’s existence, there

have been 25+ marriages, and even some babies! Talk about actively growing a community!

Getting involved with JHubLA is easy! Frequently the first step is to sit down and have a cup of coffee with Rabbi Teller. Many people discover JHubLA by either being referred to Rabbi Teller by someone in the community, or by attending an event with a friend. No matter how someone finds JHubLA, a one-onone with Rabbi Teller is mandatory. Rabbi Teller is the kind of rabbi that MUST have a direct and personal connection to every single person he works with so that he can truly understand where they are coming from and meet them where they are, not where they think they should be. These personal connections inevitably turn into frequent attendance at events, and from there the sky’s the limit as far as what is available! Rabbi Teller empowers people

from the JHubLA community to utilize the resources available to become leaders in JHubLA and the community at large. JHubLA is always happy to accommodate our members by sharing their film screenings, shows, professional resources, and so much more with the community at large so that connections can be forged, and professional growth can be attained.

If you’d like to learn more about JHubLA, the best way to do it is to reach out to Rabbi Teller directly, you’ll wind up at a coffee meeting with him eventually anyway, so why not start there? If you’d like to check out our events, you can always find flyers on his Instagram @rabbiteller. If you are looking for a place to belong, and a group of people to call family in this sprawling metropolis we call the City of Angels, look no further, JHubLA is the place for you.

Jacob Levine

Jish Artof Meditation

“If I was able to make one change in our educational system,” says Rabbi Baruch Klein, rabbi and counselor with a spiritual Chassidic flavor in Brooklyn, N.Y., “I would implement 10-15 minutes of quiet time once or twice a day in every yeshiva, where children from the very young to the older ones, would sit quietly with the teacher or rebbe with no distraction and just have the opportunity to go inside themselves and meditate.”

“If our children would grow up knowing how to be present and completely focused on what’s in front of them, the Jewish people would look very different. In our world today, we are so distracted and so unable to just ‘be’ that when Shabbos comes, we go crazy, we don’t know what to do with our downtime.”

Jish Meditation

What comes to mind for many when the word “meditation” is mentioned is the image of someone sitting on the floor in the lotus position, back and head erect, cross-legged, palms up on the lap with eyes gently closed or perhaps open, and gazing into a candle’s flame. This, however, is not the definition of meditation; it is simply one technique of one type of meditation.

Some people believe meditation is a non-Jewish concept, taken from the eastern religions.

“Nothing could be further from the truth,” explains Rabbi Doniel Katz, Founder, and Director of The Elevation Project. There are numerous sources throughout the Torah from the Zohar to the Chumash to Shulchan Aruch and many other holy sefarim referencing meditation. For a start, according to Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan, zt”l, in his book, Jewish Meditation, in ancient times, when we had thousands of true prophets in our nation, an essential part of their process was the ability to

meditate. Actual prophecy comes about through intense meditation.

Even for those who understand that meditation is deeply sourced in the Torah, many are of the opinion that it is solely a Chassidic concept. It would not detract from the validity of the approach if that were the case. However, even that’s not true. The classic Mussar approach of Rabbi Yisroel Salanter, says R’ Klein, includes meditative practices. One method called hispaylus meditation includes the practice of repeating the same word or phrase over and over, fully engaging the body, and emoting with the phrase until it penetrates the heart and, in due time, the person’s character and behaviors change.

There are, actually, many types of meditation and many techniques for practicing each of those types. There are also many goals to meditation. For example, do you want to feel more relaxed? The practice of meditation can help. Do you want to learn how to be in the present moment, experiencing everything in your life as it is happening right in front of you? Practice meditation. Do you want to be deeply and spiritually connected to G-d? Do you want to know if your prayers are soaring to the Heavens? Learn the art of meditation. Do you want to improve your character traits, develop your personality, or enhance your personal relationships? Sleep better at night? Meditation can help with all of these.

For the purpose of this article, however,

we will be mainly focusing on how meditation can enhance kavana in prayer. But to figure that out, we need a working definition of meditation.

Emptying the Mind

In its broadest sense, explains Rabbi Kaplan, meditation is using the mind in a controlled manner; deciding exactly how one wishes to direct the mind for a period of time, and then doing it. It is concentrating all one’s faculties of the mind, emotional being, awareness, and senses, to one focal point. Or no focal point.

A deeper level of meditation is transcending the mind completely and simply “being.” This is the ability to be present without any thought at all, transcending all internal and external distractions, and finding oneself in the presence of one’s divine self, one’s soul.

The ability to meditate is within every human, Mrs. Fally Klein, a hypnotherapist who specializes in breathwork in Brooklyn, contends. Like a flower that will find the sun even if it means sprouting through the cracks of the sidewalk to reach it, we all possess this innate ability. “Many of us, however, have difficulty believing we possess this ability, especially in regards to the deeper meditative experience,” says Rabbi Katz.

“People say to me it can’t be what you’re saying is true. They become cynical, believing

the true meditative experience is only for tzaddikim. But the Baal Shem Tov,” he continues, “came to teach us that even the potato farmer can achieve this state.”

Not to say that achieving a meditative state is simple. To the uninitiated, concentrating on one point to the exclusion of everything else may sound easy. It’s not. To illustrate this, Rabbi Kaplan recommends a simple exercise:

Close your eyes for a moment and stop thinking.

If you’re like most people who don’t have serious meditative experience, it’ll be impossible to keep your mind clear for more than a few seconds. But with practice in the right technique, it can be done, and when it is achieved, the results are astounding.

Think about the limitless possibilities when you are in control of your thoughts instead of them controlling you. Instead of endless obsessing over why she did that and how she could do that and how will you pass that test tomorrow and how will you accomplish all those things you have to do, you can simply decide that you’re not going to think about that now. Instead, you’re going to gaze at this beautiful rose in front of you in the vase on the table and enjoy its petals, its fragrance, and every nuance of its colors.

Deis

The term the Shulchan Aruch uses in halacha for meditation, says Rav Katz, is deveikus. Deveikus, he explains, is the ability to silence the mind, the da’as, and to attune it to emotionally and tangibly experience the nfinite light, wisdom, and energy of the divine soul that is within each of us. It means bonding our consciousness with the divine soul, Hashem, and experiencing that as reality, the same way we experience the world below

“If our childn would gw up knowing how to be psent and comptely fused on what’s in fnt of them, the Jish peop would ok very diffent.”

Malkie Schulman

as reality.

“You have to understand,” continues Rav Katz, “deveikus is not just an experience. It’s a bandwidth, a spectrum of experience. For example, your experience of deveikus may translate into feeling like a drop of water in a vast ocean of unified divine light (of G-d). For someone else, the experience of deveikus may be accessing amazing, deep insights like gematrias and other Torah wisdom. A third might have an out-of-body experience, moving up through the upper worlds, speaking to tzaddikim or malachim.”

Two of the techniques used to achieve deveikus are called hisbodedus and hisbonenus. These techniques are designed to achieve different aspects of deveikus.

Hisbodedus has been practiced for thousands of years by both simple and holy Jews, and it requires separating oneself from the external world in order to concentrate solely on one’s inner world. Daily, weekly, or monthly, a person would take themselves to a quiet room or a peaceful place in the forest perhaps, and commune with G-d. According to R’ Avraham (son of Rambam), says Rav Katz, you don’t have to go anywhere externally to experience hisbodedus. It’s simply isolating the internal deepest part of your consciousness and separating it from your external thoughts about parnassa, yesterday, etc. It means quieting your mind, enabling you to go into the deepest light within you.

Hisbonenus is a technique from the Ba’al Hatanya which is composed of different elements but essentially consists of contemplating Hashem being within and surrounding all things. Once an individual is completely immersed in these ideas, they will feel tremendous divine light and energy being downloaded into them.

These techniques to reach deveikus are different paths with the same essential goals: to transform your heart and open your mind to experience a greater sense of self, a greater realization of reality, a deeper state of consciousness, and a direct connection to the Source.

Avodah Shebav

Perhaps that is why tefilla is called Avodah shebalev, a service of the heart. The external actions we take during prayer are there to arouse deep inner emotional feelings of love and awe towards the Ribbono Shel Olam. The true power and purpose of our prayers lie within the deep emotional connection we forge with Hashem during that time.

Nevertheless, how many times do any of us feel that intense level of alignment with Hashem when we daven? asks Rav Katz. Some people never feel it, some people feel it sometimes, but very few feel it all the time.

“But,” he asks, “what if you could feel that closeness to Hashem every time you prayed, three times a day?”

According to Fally, prayer is talking to G-d, and meditation is listening for His response. They’re both two sides of the same conversation.

“Just as there’s an art to learning to communicate with Hashem, which is the art of prayer,” she explains, “there’s the art of learning to listen for His response. And it’s a craft we all can learn.”

The problem is that many people look at kavana in prayer like another box to check off on their checklist. I said my brachos today, I recited Modeh Ani this morning, I washed netilat yadayim, check, check, check. Kavanaand truthfully, none of the mitzvos work that way. It’s a practice, an avodah. Time needs to be taken out of our days to work on

it. It’s not about mouthing my thank yous to Hashem, then hopping into the car, and doing my grocery shopping.

“What kavana in our prayer means,” says Fally, “is having presence and intention. It means davening with no distractions like a mother looking into her child’s eyes and talking to him without texting on her cellphone at the same time. Having kavana means transcending both internal and external distractions so we can make eye contact with Hashem.”

“When we pray with kavana, it implies deveikus,” says Rav Katz. This, in turn, implies that kavana is an emotional experience; it’s not about simply understanding the words on the page but having the emotional and spiritual experience of talking to and being heard by Someone.

“There are three aspects of kavana,” continues Rav Katz. “1) Having the intent – choosing to do something consciously; 2) Attention – focusing my entire consciousness on my prayers; and 3) Emotions – experiencing and feeling the words I’m speaking to the Being I’m speaking to.

“The prayer experience is no longer between me and my prayer book; it’s between me and Hashem. When a person can do that, they become able to raise their

Meditation Tips and Technies

The potential pitfall of attempting to describe a spiritual experience in words is that we often end up ruining the organic nature of the experience, comments Mrs. Fally Klein. For instance, it would be a disservice to the experience of eating ice cream to try to describe how it tastes. The nature of an experience is that you have to experience it to know what it feels like. This is true with the spiritual nature of meditation.

We can begin to ask the right questions though that can direct us to look into this practice more seriously.

“For example,” Fally asks, “have you ever thought about the three steps back and three steps forward that you take before reciting the Shemoneh Esrei? Most people don’t, but there is a reason Hashem gave us those steps. We’re taking three steps back from the physical world and three steps forward into the spiritual world. Three small steps. It’s very simple, but simple does not mean easy,” she stresses.

“Actually, my most basic tip for people interested in getting into meditation is very uninspiring and very simple yet in all my years of encouraging people to do it no one has yet come back to me and said, ‘OK, I did it, what’s your next tip?’

“And the tip is,” she shares, “to commit to practicing three deep breaths three times a day. Thoughts can come in – that doesn’t matter – but no holding a cell phone or anything in your hand. Just do that three times a day for a month, and I guarantee it will help you with your kavana. ‘What if I don’t do it right?’ You may ask. Stop. Just do it. Period.”

Kavana in Pyer

According to R’ Klein, there are two ways to connect to Hashem in prayer. One is through bakashas tzerachav –asking Hashem to meet our worldly needs. From this physical world, we ask G-d to give us health, livelihood, good relationships, etc.

Another way, he explains, is transcending this physical world and attuning oneself to the higher realms, the world of unity, connecting experientially with the soul world, with Hashem, and praying from there. “It’s a different experience,” he shares, “than when we’re down below, asking Hashem for money for tuition. When you’re up there, none of our materialistic needs matter. According to the Baal Shem Tov, it all boils down to, ‘We want to be in Your presence, Hashem.’ If we don’t have that, then nothing really matters.”

The Baal Shem Tov approached prayer through direct conversation with G-d, going straight to the Source as opposed to reaching the Source through the work of character trait refinement which is the way of the classic mussar approach. Depending on one’s goals, needs, and personality, the approach will vary.

“But the true goal to keep in mind,” continues R’ Klein, “if we think deeply enough about it, is to understand that the root of all sorrow in the world is a result of the body and soul not being in alignment.”

Deveikus on any level addresses that.

Important steps to any meditation practice are the following: The first is the awareness of the constant noise, aka thoughts we have running through our minds 24/7, most of which is found in our subconscious which we’re not even conscious of. The second and most difficult step is to work on quieting it. Deep breathing helps with that. Set aside a specific time, find a comfortable place to sit, and breathe deeply. After a few deep breaths, it is helpful to conduct a body scan. This means mentally scanning the body from head to toe, simply being aware of each part of your body.

What follows these preliminary steps depend on your meditation goals. For enhancing kavana, the next steps will involve working on arousing the emotions of love and divine awe in your body and learning how to tune into your divine light within.

Although these steps, according to Rav Doniel Katz, are not difficult to do when you have access to the right techniques and skill sets, it is not something that can be learned from this kind of venue (such as in an article). From this point on, Rav Katz suggests, meditative techniques should be learned within the context of the experiential learning process, which means taking advantage of the kosher meditation instructors and classes available today.

As Rav Katz says, “We can work hard, or we can work smart. The Torah way is the smart way. You choose.”

“When a peon ste his mind, he h mo emotional contl, mo sience, and mo ier pce. He is ss overwhelmed and h mo Emunah.”

This is the abity to be psent without any thought at all, tnscending all internal and external distctions, and finding oneself in the psence of one’s divine self, oNe’s soul.”

Rebbe’s Stories

Rav Huna’s Wine and Vinegar Miracle

From Meseches Brachos 5b

Mordechai Dubin

Rav Huna was a great Rabbi and a very rich man. He owned a huge winery that sold the very best wine. Rav Huna would spend his days learning Torah, and only when it was late in the afternoon, he would go to the warehouse where his wine was stored to visit the workers and check on the wine.

One day, Rav Huna arrived at the warehouse as usual. He warmly greeted his workers and then went to check on the wine. He opened the spigot of one of the barrels and let a small amount of wine fall into his cup. Rav Huna made a Bracha, Borei Pri Hagafen, and then took a sip of the wine. “Oh no,” Rav Huna said, “This wine is spoiled!” His barrels were the best that money could buy and the temperature of the warehouse was perfect. Nervously, Rav Huna went to the next barrel to check the wine and it was also spoiled.

Rav Huna spent the rest of the night checking through each and every barrel of wine. He had 400 barrels of wine and they were all spoiled. Rav Huna was shocked. How could this have happened? Rav Huna went home brokenhearted. Now all the wine in his barrels was worth almost nothing. At the most, he could sell each barrel of wine as vinegar, which could only be sold for a very small amount of money.

Later that evening, Rav Huna had visitors. It was a group of his friends, who were other great Rabbis who had heard what happened to Rav Huna’s wine and had come to speak with him. “Did you give any thought to why this might have happened?” asked one of the Rabbis. Rav Huna answered defensively. “Do you suspect that I did something wrong?” His friend responded, “Do you suspect that Hashem did this for no reason?” Rav Huna humbly asked them if they had heard that he did something that could have made him deserving of such a loss.

“We heard that you would not pay your worker for all the work that he did in your field,” the Rabbi said. “I had a very good reason for not paying him,” said Rav Huna. “ He was stealing from me all the time and he took much more than I owed him for his work!”

“That may be true,” the Rabbi said, “but you still owed him for his work. He might have stolen from you, but you also stole from him. And you know what people say, ‘someone who steals from a thief is also a thief.’” Rav Huna realized his mistake and quickly went to his worker and paid him what he owed him. Guess what happened in the end? Vinegar was so much in demand, that Rav Huna was able to sell his 400 barrels of vinegar at the same price he could have sold his wine.

Questions for Discussion

1. How was it possible for the wine to become spoiled if they were stored in the highest quality barrels and the temperature in the warehouse was adjusted perfectly?

2. What do you think you would have done if you had a worker that was stealing more than he deserved to be paid?

3. What lesson can we learn from the saying, “Someone who steals from a thief is also a thief?”

Rabbi Mordechai Dubin is a Rebbe at Gindi Maimonides Academy. He is the author of three illustrated children’s books, I’ll Never Forget Yerushalayim,

By Rabbi MORDECHAI DUBIN

Mushky Yiftach

books/cds by Rabbi Dubin:

I Believe, and I Know 6; and has produced four Musical CD’s for children, I Made This World For you, Let My People Go, Al Shelosha Devarim, and Hashem is Always With Me.

Rabbi

30 MINUTES- Time it takes the human body to give enough heat to bring a half gallon of water to a boil 3 TO 7 YEARS- The lifespan of an average human

A magician was boasting one day at how long he could hold his breath underwater. His record was six minutes. A kid said, “That’s nothing. I can stay underwater for 10 minutes using no equipment and with no air pockets!” The magician told the kid that if he could do that, he’d give him $10,000. The kid did it and won the money. Can you figure out how?

Answer below

1 IN 12 - Percentage of men who are color blind 40 POUNDS- Approximate amount of lifetime 70% - Amount of body that is water 100 MPH- Speed that air rushes through your nose when you sneeze 150 - Days an eyelash lives before it falls out 20,000- Approximate number of times a day that the average person blinks 50,000- Number of scents that the 100,000 MILES- Approximate length if all of the 500,000- Amount of sweat glands in your feet 1,000,000- Number of filters on each kidney 7,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000- Approx- imate number of atoms that make up the human body 2.6 MILLION LIGHT YEARS FROM EARTH - Dis- tance between Earth and the Andromeda galaxy, which is the farthest object visible with the naked eye

Patient: Doctor, I think I need Teller: You certainly do! This Patient: My hair keeps falling can you give me to keep it in? Doctor: A shoebox.

Patient: Doctor, you must help a lot of stress. I keep losing my Doctor: Tell me about your Patient: I just did, didn’t I, you

lled a glass of water and held it over his head for 10 minutes.

Lessons I Learned Along the Way

A Little Bit of Warmth Goes a Very Long Way

Mrs. Sheindy Gross

I remember the phone call. She called from her own bat mitzvah. I answered and said “Hi sweetheart” and she asked, “Where are you?” I was getting dressed when she called so I got ready in a jiffy and drove as fast as I safely could.

It was the beginning of a warm and close 28-year relationship, full of nachas k”h. I remember it clear as day, as many aspects of that Bat Mitzvah surprised me and taught me much about my relationship with her. It colored how I would connect with my students forever after.

For starters, I had no idea how much my being present at her simcha meant to her. In my defense, moving from Brooklyn to Los Angeles was a learning curve. I had never had a relationship with any of my teachers. One or two reciprocated somewhat, but it never resulted in a real connection. Whereas my teachers kept their distance, I embraced closeness. My teachers would be aghast if you mentioned anything personal. I learned to balance being firm and structured inside the classroom and then talking about fashion and makeup outside of the learning environment.

But that evening, at her Bat Mitzvah, I was a rookie.

Teaching on the west coast brought out the natural warmth I would otherwise not have known that I had the capacity for.

Love is a choice we make. I believe that warmth is similar. While it is true that some of us are naturally more demonstrative with our care and affection, we can all stretch if we realize that it is a value to do so. In my opinion, it is the driving force in most, if not all of our relationships. The wonderful thing

about children, students, and most adults too, is that our true intentions and attitude are conveyed. If we deeply care and want to connect, our love will be felt.

I will assume most people (if not all) value their relationships above all else. What gets in the way are situations that raise concerns and we are unsure of what the correct response should be. Sometimes it’s a chinuch or respect scenario. We recognize our obligation not to ignore the infraction and yet

This leads me to my last thought. Often we get “stuck” and lash out in relationships because of our own disappointment or personal triggers. Not always will a conversation be useful. Maybe not ever with some people in our lives. They don’t have the capacity or we don’t feel they can be objective enough and converse reasonably. In those moments I have found the best reaction is to take a moment to think. Tap into what is bothering you and see if you can address it. See if you can access the calm inside of you to answer the most important question of all: What would Hashem want of me now? Then make a decision and take action from a place of care, and not of anger or hurt.

we know that timing is everything. We want our reprimand and direction to be received with acceptance. I have found that the best way to stay calm in those stressful moments is twofold.

First, as a younger parent and educator, I felt stressed and burdened by the children in my care and responsibility. As I matured I learned that delaying the teachable moment will only enhance the opportunity and create a more loving connection in the long run. Once I tapped into that, I was able to be calmer and take my time.

Second, Shlomo Hamelech teaches us “Gam zeh yaavor” - this too shall pass. This concept has been helpful to me not only in chinuch moments but in all life situations.

Putting your relationships first and above all else, while still maintaining your own self-respect, will ultimately ensure a warm and loving connection which is the goal. It takes a lot of work and focus, which may be why some people fail miserably at it. But if you prioritize it, you will be successful. I can tell you from experience that it is well worth the effort…

With over 30 years in education, Mrs. Sheindy Gross started her career teaching Judaic Studies at Yavneh Hebrew Academy and then went on to high school leadership in Bnos Devorah and Valley Torah Girls High schools where she served as principal. Her passion for education has now led her to create a new platform called TEHILA, Torah Education with Heart in LA, for women and girls to receive adult education and advisement. The goal is to strengthen and empower women to develop their best selves through bonding over Torah learning and connecting with Jews of all ages. In addition to TEHILA, Mrs. Gross provides dating and relationship mentoring for teenagers, singles, and women, as well as leadership consulting for educators. Mrs. Gross can be reached at sheindyg@gmail.com.

“Love is a choice we make.

I believe that warmth is similar. While it is true that some of us are naturally more demonstrative with our care and affection, we can all stretch if we realize that it is a value to do so.”

Soup for the Soul In The K tchen

As we get deeper into the winter (even in LA weather) my body just craves a delicious hot soup. Preparing a double batch doesn’t take double the effort, and it really isn’t that much more strenuous. Whenever I cook soup there are two things I like to do.

A) Make a double batch and freeze half for later use. There is nothing like having a hearty soup on hand that you can heat up and have ready in minutes. Talk about a total dinner savior.

B) If making a vegetable or chicken soup, I rummage through my fridge and pull out all the vegetables I have. If you have half an onion, extra parsley bits, or a bag of baby carrots, dump them in! Every vegetable adds to the hearty flavor of the soup and it’s a great way to use up the last bits of produce in your fridge.

Ingredients:

2 tablespoons olive oil

2 large carrots, diced

2 celery stalks, diced

1 small onion, diced

1 tablespoon minced garlic

2 tablespoons flour

32 ounces chicken stock

1/8 teaspoon ground thyme

1/8 teaspoon ground sage

1 teaspoon basil

1/2 teaspoon oregano

1 teaspoon salt

Cracked black pepper

16 ounces store-bought gnocchi

2 cups prepared shredded chicken

1 lemon, juiced

Creaminess Options

1 cup prepped cashew cream

-1 can full fat coconut cream

Directions:

Heat a large soup pot over medium heat and add the olive oil. Add the diced carrots, celery, and onion. Saute for about 3-5 minutes until tender. Add the garlic and saute for another minute.

Add the flour and saute for another minute. Whisk in the chicken stock and add the thyme, sage, basil, oregano, salt, and pepper. Bring to a simmer and stir continuously until it has slightly thickened.

Add the gnocchi, chicken, and lemon juice and cook for about 5 minutes until the gnocchi is cooked and heated through. Taste and adjust seasonings as necessary.

Add either 1 cup cashew cream or 1 can full-fat coconut cream and stir until completely combined. Bring to a simmer and stir again. Serve immediately with fresh lemon slices and pepper if desired.

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Dini Klein

photo credit: Kayla Freitag

Wellness

Help! My Child is SO “Picky”

Bracha Abramson, RD CDN

All parents know that children aren’t easy to please when it comes to their meals and snacks. Toddlers and teens alike can be “picky,” unpredictable, and throw an “I’m starving” tantrum at any given time. Kids do not come with a built-in sense of what is “healthy” or more nutritious and tend to demand the same favorite foods over and over again.

Be Proactive

Start early! Believe it or not, a baby’s exposure to taste begins in-utero. The foods a mother-to-be consumes during pregnancy have been shown to have an impact on her future child’s eating tendencies. The same applies to breastfeeding during infancy, as a mother’s breast milk takes on flavors from the foods and beverages she consumes. Breast milk plays an integral role in early infant exposure to different food flavors. The more diverse of a diet the baby is exposed to, the more variety of foods the baby will be inclined to accept. Furthermore, the earlier a baby is introduced to different solid food flavors and textures, the more likely he or she will be willing to eat those foods throughout their life.

Be a Good Role Model

Parents are the most influential people in a child’s life. Children look up to their parents and model them in behavior, language, dress, and you’ll never guess - eating habits too! One of the more popular questions asked in my practice is “How do I get my child to eat more foods or be open to trying new foods? My child is super stubborn and picky!” It’s true, children are picky eaters. Yet as parents, you hold the most powerful role of modeling healthy eating. Before continuing to read, take a minute to think to yourself “Am I modeling to my children the way I want them to eat? Am I modeling good eating behaviors or asking them to eat things I would never touch?” Serve the foods you personally love and model eating the ones you want your kids to eat more of. Children are very smart and will quickly pick up your positive cues. Try something like “Wow, look

at this plate of rainbow peppers… (singing the rainbow song). My favorite color is orange, what’s yours? I love how crunchy and juicy it is, especially when I dip it in… (name your favorite dip).” Or another option is “Do you see this broccoli tree? It looks like that big tree in Bubby’s backyard (giggle). I’m going to pretend I’m a (insert your child’s favorite animal) and eat all

they experience it, they will eat it. “Experience it” can mean seeing it, feeling it, smashing it, throwing it, and observing others eating it. Offer your children all different kinds of foods and make a rotation of your personal favorite ones. The more variety, the better. Be consistent and repeatedly expose them at all meal and snack times. The more exposure you provide, the more open your child will be to accepting new foods.

Be Positive

Parents who are patient and create a positive environment at mealtimes are usually the ones rewarded with “good eaters.” Make meal and snack times a happy, fun, and enjoyable time. No one has to try any food nor do they have to like any food. Developing independence and forming one’s own opinion is crucial for a child’s individual development. A good balance to maintain consistent exposure is to put the new food on their plate and say “I’m just going to leave it right here. You don’t have to try it but if you want to, it’s ready for you.” You will be amazed 10-16 dinners later when that child tries that new food. Creating a positive environment also includes sitting down to eat together as a family (with whoever is present at the time) and putting away phones, tablets, and other distractions. Utilize meal time as family time to discuss everyone’s day and how delicious the food (and new food) is. Incorporate your picky one’s favorite dishes into dinners and be sure to tell them you made it special for them. Some of their favorites, some of your favorites; it’s a win-win!

the leaves off the “tree.” Can you help me?” Just encourage one or two bites, and if it’s a no that’s perfectly okay too! You, the parent, decide what foods you are serving; the child decides if and how much they want to eat.

Be Consistent

Get into the habit of offering new foods and new forms of foods at every meal and snack. Research has proven that if

Bracha Abramson RD, CDN is a Registered Dietitian-Nutritionist with over 8 years of adult and pediatric experience. She graduated from New York-Presbyterian Cornell and Columbia with a fellowship specializing in Pediatrics. She currently lives with her family in Los Angeles and is the founder of Robin’s Nest Family Nutrition. Feel free to contact her at BrachaAbramsonRD@gmail.com.

“The more diverse a diet the baby is exposed to, the more variety of foods the baby will be inclined to accept.”

Associations

My daughter likes to play this game we call “Associations.” We may be walking to shul and she’ll say, “Ok, what kind of animal am I?” or “What kind of weather would you say she is?” or “Name so and so’s fruit!” The game is all about diminishing the human being to a small segment of themselves by associating him or her with a category.

So you end up a pine green, strawberry, thunderstorm, dolphin, and amethyst. How wonderfully fun!

Of course, the sweeping summation of an entire human and then mitigating him or her to epithets is understandably uncomfortable and yet, it made me wonder. If someone were to limit me to a few simple words of description, what would it look like? Am I the eager-to-play puppy, the stealthy bobcat, the wise but cold owl? Am I the winter’s

you ever told another person that you are either introverted or extroverted, outgoing or introspective, outdoorsy or a home-body?

These characteristics are so easy to pick up and adopt, it’s no wonder that we build our own Colossus, to stand before us, indicating to all exactly who we are. Of course, we

who I am then I will have to think more, I’ll have to check in with myself and make more decisions. I’d rather just have one thing down so that I have one less decision to make in my world. It is hard to live without limiting myself. It is too open. There are too many opportunities, decisions, and options.

It’s much easier to contain myself and work within that framework.

I hear that, however, you do have an infinite ability to tap into. You do not have to be limited to the way you consistently present yourself. Just because that has become a habit, a tendency, an inclination, and now a personality(!) does not mean that you must always be just that. You are not your nature. You can always choose how and who you want to be.

What better example of this than Yosef Hatzaddik who had the most drastic lifestyle change than anyone in Tanach. Having experienced the holiness of living with his father Yaakov, abject slavery amongst hea thens, the company of felons, and finally

the beloved friendship of Pharaoh himself. He didn’t have the luxury of ever letting go and just allowing himself to be defined by anything. He had to constantly work at aligning himself with G-d and his soul. He could never let himself be a slave, feel like a prisoner, or relax into the monarchy, instead, he had to always choose G-d. And because he never allowed himself to be associated with one thing, he is instead known as the one biblical personage with the appellation of “Hatzaddik.” The reason is obvious; it is precisely because he never let himself fall into a category that he achieved the greatest of all titles.

So if I am playing with my daughter whilst walking to shul I am happy to be a blue, humpback whale, persimmon, and autumnal day. If, however, I am thinking about myself and how I show up to the world, I’d rather just be little infinite me.

Hindi is a certified Relationshift Coach based in Los Angeles. She is passionate about relationships and self-growth. She educates women on the Torah’s perspective of marriage at her workshops and retreats and helps women around the world through her coaching program. Hindi lives with her husband and four children in Los Angeles. You can find her at createrelationshift.com.

Hindi Kalmenson

Mommy Hacks Life Squad

My Grandmother’s Home Remedies

How many times do we need to call in sick to work because one of our kids isn’t feeling well? You can avoid that by keeping them from getting sick in the first place and here is how. Cut up an onion into large rings. Place it on the sole of their foot and cover it with a sock. Allow them to sleep with it overnight. Your child will wake up refreshed and you can continue your workday.

#2

Have a bad cough? Try this hack. Mix a hot cup of water with some honey and vinegar. Honey is packed with loads of antibacterial properties. This mixture will help soothe your throat. Drink the mixture a few times a day. You can also add in some lemon juice to help with a stuffy nose.

#3

What about a cough and cold home remedy when it comes to kids? Try this hack. Cut an orange and poke holes through the top. Sprinkle salt and steam in a microwave for about 2 minutes. Remove from the microwave and drizzle some honey over it. Squeeze out the juice and use a syringe to feed it to your child. This cures the common cough and cold almost instantly.

Tikva Braum and Rena Kohengadol

Here are #mommylifesquad’s top 3 hacks to prepare for the flu season:

Tikva Braum and Rena Kohengadol, as mommylifesquad, provide a fresh dose of hacks, tips, and trips across three social media platforms. The content will keep you coming back for more each time!

Navidaters

What Would You Do If…

Moderated by Jennifer Mann LCSW of the Navidaters

The Rebbetzin: Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.

Sara, you were in seminary, and you know this is a serious shaila. You know you have important knowledge that people would probably want to know, especially if he hasn’t changed. Someone needs to ascertain where this boy is now. Middle school was a while back. Arrange a private face-to-face meeting with your local Rav, your brother’s principal from middle school or high school, or a local rabbinic leader who knows the family/community and will be able to find out what else he needs to know as well as understands the nuances and context of Torah-based action.

Act with both Jewish and personal values and align your response accordingly.

The Shadchan: Michelle Mond

Wow. Wow.

What a conundrum.

I do not envy the position you are in. I can only imagine the pain you felt when hearing your friend is engaged to a boy who did such terrible things to your brother. Furthermore, having to sit back and play happy for her when you have personally witnessed this boy’s detestable actions must be extremely difficult.

As we all know, the effects of bullying can be extremely long-term. For the bully, those of us who are not personally attached to the situation can easily tell you: he’s a changed man. Yeah, a guy can be a bully in middle school and then turn himself around within a decade (with the right help, tefillos, proper medication, good mentors, and tons of siyata dishmaya). But for your brother, it would be likely that he is still battling the ill-fated effects

My older brother had a bully who continuously bullied him throughout middle school. In high school, both my brother and this kid moved on with their lives, and I hadn’t heard about him since. I just got back from seminary from my second year (I came home during Pesach time), and I heard that a good friend of mine from high school is engaged to the bully. When I asked how long they dated, she answered that she “felt it right away” so she felt comfortable getting engaged after three weeks. I am petrified for my friend. The things this kid said and did to my brother, the nastiness, the insensitivity, the lying, the physical and emotional fights. Everything. It seems like this kid now wears a hat and jacket, looks super spitzy, learns well, and my friend is totally enthralled… I have to tell her what I know, right?

-Sara*

Dear Navidaters, The Panel

of his torment. For you, his loving sister, it can seem almost impossible to sit back and say nothing.

You must know, however, that the laws of lashon hara must be studied in order to fully understand your personal requirement (or ask a Rav).

We have to compartmentalize the two issues here: The bully’s past (emphasis on past) and Your brother’s pain

The Single: Tzipora Grodko

Dear Sara,

I completely understand your concern as a loving sister who wants what’s best for her brother. It seems like you indicated that the bullying stopped in high school, leaving an (estimated) 10-year gap between middle school and where your brother is currently holding. A lot can happen during that time frame. Often, people who display inappropriate behavior to- wards other children may be experiencing difficulties at home or struggling with other personal matters.

It can be challenging to suspend judgment when you have a history with someone who has caused pain to you and your family. Recognize that people can change, heal and grow in a large (and even short) timespan.

Additionally, inquire with your friend if she has a mentor or any experienced figure that has been supporting her throughout this process. Are there any current red flags? Any reason to be concerned with the current data? Explore with curiosity but be extremely careful before making assumptions that may be based on current false pretenses.

A person’s reputation is the most valuable thing they have, and if it’s ruined for reasons that aren’t true, then it is very, very, very difficult to repair.

Your brother’s current lingering effects of pain and suffering are completely legitimate but so might be the bully’s complete turn-around. The only way you can get true guidance here is to speak with halachic authority.

As a side note, I would use this as an opportunity. Perhaps mention to the boy at the vort, “Were you in my brother’s class? You seem to be the same age.” Gauge his reaction. It could be he has much remorse, and this would be an opportunity for him to ask for a complete mechila.

Good luck!

The Zaidy: Dr. Je rey Galler

To tell or not to tell, that is the question. Is it a huge chessed or is it a huge mistake to tell your friend what you know about her boyfriend?

Different iterations of this dilemma have appeared in the Navidater’s column over the past several years. Here are some thoughts for you to consider.

The horrific behaviors that you describe happened a

Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to o er any definitive conclusions to any particular question, but rather o er areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to o er a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.

“You will never regret stifling the urge to say something that you never should have said.”

long time ago. People do grow up, mature, and change. Perhaps he is now a much better person than he was in middle school.

Nevertheless, you’re worried the boyfriend might still be the same, horrible person that he was back then and that he is merely putting on an act worthy of an Emmy nomination. If so, how do you protect your friend from falling into his clutches?

There are two options you might wish to explore:

First, you can sit down with your friend over a cup of coffee. Tell her that you are very, very happy for her. And then, innocuously mention that you heard how very important it is to check references when dating. Ask if she checked with his rebbes, yeshiva roommates, friends, neighbors, etc.

Second, you can follow the advice often given by Rav Avigdor Miller, zt”l, who recommended sending anonymous letters in situations such as this. Your anonymous letter will not only warn your friend and advise her to investigate but also will help preserve your friendship. Check with your Rav if this is a path you should follow.

When I was in Brooklyn College, one of my best friends started dating a girl that I had once dated. The girl had many qualities that I found absolutely detestable, and I foolishly told my friend how I felt. Now, many years later, they are still happily married to each other, but my friendship, alas, never survived my poor judgment. I should have kept my mouth shut.

There’s an appropriate Hebrew expression: “May-olam lo hitz-ta-ar-tee, ahl dahvar sheh-low ah-mar-tee.”

You will never regret stifling the urge to say something that you never should have said.

Pulling It All Together: The Navidaters

Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists

Dear Sara,

Thank you for writing to the panel! Your position is never an easy one. So many friends find themselves in your shoes at some point or another while friends are dating and engaged. I know this awful thing about your guy/girl. If I tell you, you may get mad at me and I stand to lose the friendship. If I don’t tell you, I will live with the guilt of withholding this information and not having protected you.

Before we proceed, let’s acknowledge how impossible this situation is for you as both of your options are so deeply unpleasant.

We can surmise that her chosson has changed and grown. We can say that it is in the past. We can say he was a child. We can also surmise that he is still a bully and will treat your friend in the most awful and abusive of ways, as he did your brother. We really don’t know. That is part of the impossible nature of your dilemma.

Ultimately, I don’t believe there is a right or wrong here. There is a decision to be made and a willingness and ability to live with the repercussions of your decision. If this isn’t a good friend, I don’t know how well this would land on her regardless. She is likely to think you are meddling. If this is a dear friend of yours, and you decide to share what you know, then there is a gentle, delicate way to do it. Something like: “Your happiness is of utmost importance to me. There is something I need to tell you that’s been weighing heavily on me. (Insert information

here.) I support you fully and your relationship fully, and just want your happiness. As your friend, I felt I had to tell you this.”

If you take this path, be prepared that you may totally lose your friendship. If it will bring you peace knowing in your heart that you did what you felt was in the best interest of your friend, then you will have done the right thing.

There are lovely adults who were bullies in middle school. When children are in pain, they act out. With time and maturity, they often outgrow these behaviors and learn new ways of coping with their feelings. Many express remorse. There are those people, though much more rare, who are simply cruel. There is simply no way of knowing which camp this guy belongs to. Also, know that it is not necessarily your responsibility to warn your friend. It is your friend’s responsibility to do her research and pay attention to red flags.

Another thing I’ve heard of people doing in your situation is asking their friend, If I knew something truly concerning about your fiancé, would you want to know? If she is your good friend, then she knows your heart is in the right place. I think a really solid, mature friendship could withstand this conversation. But many can’t and don’t.

I wish I could serve you a clear and simple answer on a silver platter. Go with your gut.

Sincerely, Jennifer

Jennifer

a

well as a dating and relationship coach

a p r e s e n t e d h e r e n s n t e n d e d f o r n f o r m a t o n a p u r p o s e s o n y a n d s c o m p e d f r o m s o u r c e s d e e m e d r e a b l e b u h a s n o t b e e n v e r i f e d C h a n g e s n p c e c o n d i t o n s a e o r w t h d r a w a m a y b e m a d e w h o u t n o t c e N o s t a te m e n t s m a d e a s t o a c c u r a c y o f a n y d e s c r i p t o n A m e a s u r e m e n t s a n d s q u a r e f o o a g e a r e a p p r o x m a t e L c e n s e N u m b e r 0 9 9 1 6 2 8 0 1 5 2 7 2

Mann, LCSW is

licensed psychotherapist and certified trauma healing life coach, as

working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www. thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.

Midlife Mu ical Musings

Too Busy?

Miriam Hendeles

Listen, I get it. It’s easy to get tied up in this drama. I still do, sometimes. I see myself in these people who share myriad responsibilities and can’t seem to enjoy a genuine moment of interaction with another human being.

There was an old Yiddish Theatre song called “Ich Bin Bizy” which lamented the problem of being too busy to get old or die. The Malach Ha’Maves comes and the person is too busy running around here to there to die. If it weren’t sad, it would be funny or ironic. And as we get older, do we plan for the future, while enjoying the moment? It’s really hard, but the years do creep up on us. Which reminded me of a teacher’s instruction back in the day. “If you can’t play the music slowly and carefully, you can’t play it.” This teacher was all for playing pieces at the performance level, as fast as the tempo was meant to be. But when learning something and experiencing something, one needs to do things slowly and carefully.

Let’s take a collective deep breath — in and out. Let’s remove our masks of busyness. And since language affects our thoughts, let’s avoid the “B” word altogether, as well as its cousins — overwhelming, hectic, chaotic — and use different words to view our situation: grateful, alive, fulfilled, purposeful. None of us is in control. In a minute we can lose our ability, G-d forbid, to accomplish what we do every day.

These days, I no longer consider my full schedule unique. Although my obligations — which I now realize are universal to most women in my stage — remain the same, my attitude has changed. I now focus on my presence in the moment: to share time with others, to smile, to pay attention, and to listen.

I’m no longer So Busy; I’m fulfilled and satisfied, I take one day at a time. Some of my days are more booked than other days,

This brings me to the issue of busyness. When we get so busy, we tend to multitask. And we think it’s a good thing. Some people lament their busy states as if it were some kind of curse, while others view it as a badge of honor. Wearing a costume with a “B” on their padded jackets, their identities and self-proclaimed busyness become entwined into a single unit. Their gait is quick and frenetic, they rarely hold eye contact for more than a few seconds. When you talk to them, their eyes focus elsewhere. You see the tops of their heads as they peer down at their smartphones. Before you have a chance to utter, “I’ve got a life too, you know?” they’ve disappeared down the block or over to the vegetable aisle, leaving you alone at the ice cream section in the store.

and that’s okay. When I’m feeling tense and overwhelmed, I take deep breaths. I say “Thank you, Hashem, for the ability to walk, run and do.” When I have less time for some tasks, I procrastinate – no, I postpone them; tomorrow is another day.

Which reminds me, I have to run. I’m very busy--- whoops!

Slow down, and play the music slowly, carefully, and mindfully.

Miriam Hendeles, M.A., MT-BC is a music therapist for hospice patients and a writer for Binah Magazine and other publications. She’s the author of “Mazel Tov! It’s a Bubby!” and “Best Foot Forward. One of her passions is advocating for frum women in midlife through a recently launched website of JWOW! or www.jewishwomenofwisdom.org where frum midlife women connect, communicate, and grow through online and virtual interaction.

“...as we get older, do we plan for the future, while enjoying the moment? It’s really hard, but the years do creep up on us.”

Housing the Homeless With A Purpose

Lou Shapiro

This week Los Angeles Mayor Kar en Bass took the first step toward solving the homelessness crisis by announcing the “Inside Safe Initiative.” Under the plan, the city would spend under $100 million to house the homeless in motels and hotels while affordable housing alternative op tions are developed.

The homelessness crisis is arguably the most pressing issue for Los Angeles residents. It has only risen in the Los Ange les area since the pandemic. A recent coun ty report places the homelessness count at around 40,000. New tents seem to be mush rooming everywhere you look. This is lead ing to the obstruction of sidewalks, hinder ing businesses, and resulting in unsanitary conditions in the community.

Removing encampments and placing the homeless in motels is a good start. The

question is what comes next? “Affordable housing” has a nice ring to it but actually executing it is a whole different thing. Most of the WORKING class in Los Angeles have difficulty buying homes. The average cost of a home in Los Angeles County is now $1 million. Even cheap housing by comparison in Los Angeles would be unrealistic to simply construct for the homeless population.

On October 22, 2022, the New York Times ran an article entitled, “The Way Los Angeles Is Trying to Solve Homelessness Is ‘Absolutely Insane.’” After interviewing several people who tried to solve homelessness over the past few years, the writer concluded, “I wish I could tell you that, in reporting this story, I came across easy solutions. I didn’t. Authority is fractured in the Los Angeles political system. The mayor is relatively weak, and the City Council is currently in chaos, as Nury Martinez, its former president, resigned after recordings of racist comments she made emerged, and Kevin de León, another member of the council and a participant in those recordings, is hanging on by his fingernails. Power is further fractured between the City Council and the County Board of Supervisors, and neither side works well with the other.” This is certainly not a promising outlook for the future of affordable housing

them with resources to better themselves in various ways.

The city can fund and dispatch professionals to these locations to try and in tegrate the homeless into mainstream so ciety. Doctors, dentists, and mental health professionals can perform evaluations and provide them with much-needed treatment and care. Vocational clinics and education al programs could be set up in the hotels’ recreational rooms. Fitness trainers could be brought in to inspire wellness and fit ness. Job fairs could take place in the hotel lobbies on a regular basis to try and help these individuals get back on their feet.

Housing the homeless in hotels, without providing them opportunities for self-improvement is like sending a high school graduate to Israel without lining up for them a yeshiva or seminary. If the lo cal government seizes the opportunity to provide the homeless with the resources to stand on their own feet, earn an income, and be able to take out a mortgage, then housing might just get more affordable.

“Happenings in the Hood with TMtZvi and the Doc” is a new review column of local Jewish and kosher establishments. Tzvi Ratner-Stauber is a mortgage broker in LA and Steven Kupferman is an Oral and Maxillofacial Surgeon in Century City.

“Housing the homeless in hotels, without providing them opportu nities for self-improvement is like sending a high school graduate to Israel without lining up for them a yeshiva or seminary.”

COMMUNITY ALERT HEARING LOSS IN NEWBORNS

Genetic hearing loss is prevalent in newborns of all Ashkenazi and Sephardi backgrounds, even in families with no prior history.

1 in 6 are carriers for mutations that can cause hearing loss.

Dor Yeshorim recently developed a comprehensive panel that tests for over 60 different genetic mutations that cause hearing loss. Be’ezras Hashem, this panel will help prevent most recessive genetic hearing loss within our community.

Even if your family has no history of hearing loss, you can still be a carrier.

The hearing loss panel can be requested over the phone. Generally a new blood sample is not required. Call today to avoid unnecessary delays during a shidduch. Results can take up to two weeks.

Request the Hearing Loss Panel:

Call: 718-384-6060, prompt 2 | E-mail: info@doryeshorim.org | Visit: doryeshorim.org