THE LA JEWISH HOME Dec 1st 2022 Edition

Forty years ago, life was very different for someone who was a little bit different.

Dear Readers,

e have all heard the stories of random acts of kindness, of giving Tzedakah anonymously, or trying to anticipate someone’s needs. Some would say that it does not feel good to need or receive, such as when one is struggling financially and is reliant on Tzedakah organizations. Perhaps someone would be embarrassed to acknowledge that he is out of work and needs a job. One may feel shameful if he cannot feed his family. All of these are understandable feelings. We pray each year that we are on the giving end, instead of the receiving end. But have you ever been the recipient of one of these acts of kindness? If you were in line at the store, and the person in front of you paid for your groceries, how would you feel? If your Rebbetzin dropped off a freshly baked Challah at your doorstep on Friday afternoon, how would you feel? If your friend sent you flowers because you had a bad day, how would you feel? If another mother offered to bring your kids home after school so you can avoid the carpool line, how would you feel? I think you would feel pretty loved if any of the above happened to you.

You may also feel loved if there was a Tzedakah organization that was specifically geared toward your needs. If someone considered and recommended you for a job position, you would feel proud of their opinion that you’re the right fit for the position. If you had a baby, you would be relieved to receive a few weeks of meals from a Meal Train. All of these are acts of kindness that you would be happy to receive. It feels good to give, but it can also feel good to receive. It is all based on how you perceive it.

We see this in this week’s Parsha when Yaakov moves the rock off the well so that Rachel can get water. He anticipated her needs, and did so without her asking, especially when the others standing nearby did not notice or offer to help. This act of kindness is what made Rachel know that Yaakov was the one, and from this meeting, the entire nation of Klal Yisroel was eventually born. We

see this about Mr. Amrom Deutsch, who would allow different members of the community to shop for him so that each could get the mitzvah of helping him. It may have been easier for him to receive his groceries all at one time, but he was providing a hidden kindness to others.

In our Community Profile, we share about The Clubhouse, which provides services to children, but most importantly respite so that parents and siblings can get what they need too, a need that often gets overlooked. LINK shul provides Torah opportunities to those that are thirsty for it, providing more programming than they could have originally imagined.

Mrs. Miriam Hendeles talks about anticipating your own needs and capacity, and being kind to yourself! (by saying No when necessary). Mrs. Sarah Tzivia Kamornick writes about being kind to your children when it comes to their health and future well being. Rabbi Grama discusses communication skills, and how active listening is a kindness to yourself and to the person being heard.

Kindness is weaved throughout our entire lives. We must give it, receive it, and appreciate it for it builds the relationship we have with ourselves and with others. It also affects our relationship with Hashem, as our sole purpose as Jews is to emulate Hashem and his loving kindness.

Wishing you all a beautiful Shabbos, Ariela

Yoel Halpern

PUBLISHER publisher@thelajewishhome.com

Sara Halpern

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF ads@thelajewishhome.com

Ariela Kauffman

MANAGING EDITOR editor@thelajewishhome.com

Avi Heyman

HEAD OF SALES avi@thelajewishhome.com

Dorit Teichman

ASSOCIATE EDITOR

8950 W Olympic Blvd #147 Beverly Hills, CA 90211

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The LA Jewish Home is an independent biweekly magazine. Opinions expressed by writers are not necessarily the opinions of the publisher or editor. All submissions become the property of The LA Jewish Home and may be edited for publication. Pictures may be modified at our discretion to conform to standards of modesty in dress. The Jewish Home is not responsible for typographical errors, or for the kashrus of any advertised product or business advertised within.

Shabbos Zemanim

Friday, December 2

Parshas Vayetze

Candle Lighting: 4:25 PM Havdalah: 5:29 PM

Rabbeinu Tam: 5:55 PM

Friday, December 9

Parshas Vayishlach

Candle Lighting: 4:25 PM Havdalah: 5:28 PM

Rabbeinu Tam: 5:55 PM

Beer Busyness Holocaust Education in the UAE

When Qatar made a last-minute decision to ban alcohol at the World Cup stadiums this year, Budweiser was left with lots of beer on its hands. What to do with all that Bud? Now, Budweiser is saying that it will be sending the extra beer to the country that wins the tourna ment, adding that it “wants to bring this celebration from the FIFA World Cup stadiums to the winning country’s fans.”

“We will host the ultimate cham pionship celebration for the winning country. Because, for the winning fans, they’ve taken the world. More details will be shared when we get closer to the finals,” an Anheuser-Busch InBev spokesperson said in a statement.

Last week —just a few days be fore the World Cup was set to begin — Qatar announced that the eight stadiums couldn’t sell alcoholic Budweiser, leav ing fans with only one option for beer:

non-alcoholic Bud Zero. Qatar is a Mus lim country that is considered to be very conservative. It tightly regulates alcohol sales and usage. In September, officials said ticketed fans would be able to buy alcoholic beer three hours before kickoff and for one hour after the final whistle, but not during the match. “Following discussions between host country author ities and FIFA, a decision has been made to focus the sale of alcoholic beverages on the FIFA Fan Festival, other fan des tinations, and licensed venues, removing sales points of beer from Qatar’s FIFA World Cup 2022 stadium perimeter,” said FIFA, soccer’s governing body, last week. Budweiser tweeted, “Well, this is awkward,” though the social media post was quickly deleted. “As partners of FIFA for over three decades, we look forward to our activations of FIFA World Cup campaigns around the world to cel ebrate football with our consumers,” an AB-InBev spokesperson said in a previ ous statement. “Some of the planned sta dium activations cannot move forward due to circumstances beyond our con trol.” AB InBev paid $75 million for the FIFA sponsorship, according to multiple reports.

Most Russian Immigrants Not Jewish

The United Arab Emirates will now be adding Holocaust education to the learning materials given to children studying in the UAE. The country is at tempting to nip Holocaust denial in the wake of the 2020 Abraham Accords that normalized its relations with Israel. Last year, the region’s first Holocaust me morial exhibition opened in Dubai, just months after the U.S.- brokered accords ended a more than 70-year impasse be tween Israel and the UAE. Since then, seven Holocaust survivors have been brought to the country to speak on the horrors of the Nazi genocide, includ ing UK-based Eve Kugler, 91, a Ger man-born survivor who spoke earlier this month on the anniversary of Kristall nacht, the November 9, 1938, pogrom in Germany.

According to a study released by the Knesset’s research department last week, nearly three out of every four new immigrants from the former Sovi et Union in 2020 were not Jewish. The survey, which was ordered by Knesset member Yoav Ben Tzur of the Shas par ty, was held up as a justification for those who oppose the “grandchild clause” of the Law of Return, which currently grants Israeli citizenship to anyone with at least one Jewish grandparent so long as they don’t practice another religion.

As part of ongoing coalition nego tiations, the United Torah Judaism, Shas, and Religious Zionism parties have de manded the removal of the clause to en sure that a far higher larger percentage of new immigrants are considered Jewish —either being born to a Jewish mother or having converted. The study found that the percentage of immigrants from

the former Soviet Union who were not Jewish has steadily increased over the years, from 6.8 percent in 1990 to 71.7 percent in 2020. Since 1998, the majori ty of immigrants from the former Soviet Union have not been Jewish but neither have they officially followed another faith. These immigrants are considered by the state to be of “no religion,” which largely prevents them from marrying in Israel —as the country only recognizes religious marriages —and from being buried in Jewish cemeteries. The survey does not provide an exact breakdown of how many of these non-Jewish im migrants are the offspring of Jewish fa thers and non-Jewish mothers and how many have just one Jewish grandparent. At the same time, a recent study found that the overwhelming majority, 94%, of Russian-speaking Israelis —a stand-in for immigrants from the former Soviet Union —considered themselves to be Jewish. Today, the number of Israelis with “no religion” has grown to rough ly half a million. Though it is far from a sure thing that the “grandchild clause” will be revoked, the coalition demand has sparked renewed debate on the topic of “who is a Jew” and how much Jewish ness and Israeliness overlap.

In late 2020, just after signing onto the Abraham Accords, Morocco, which has a centuries-old Jewish community, announced it would finally include Jew ish history and culture in its curricula. The UN’s global report on the Holo caust’s presence in global school curric ula notes that the UAE at least mentions “context,” unlike Bahrain, also a signee of the Abraham Accords and the only Gulf state to have an indigenous Jewish community, which mentions “neither the Holocaust as a term... or an event” in its curricula.

Ali Al Nuaimi, one of the Emira ti brokers of the accords and one of the country’s educational leaders, said that acknowledging the horrors of the Holo caust is vital in a region in which Jews have centuries of history. “Memorializ ing the victims of the Holocaust is cru cial. In the Arab world, the older gener ation operated in an environment where speaking about the Holocaust was tanta mount to betraying Arabs and Palestin ians,” he said, speaking on a Washington Institute panel. “Public figures failed to speak the truth because a political agen da hijacked their narrative, yet a trage dy on the scale of the Holocaust targets not only Jews but humanity as a whole. Therefore, public figures and scholars should be encouraged to discuss the Holocaust and protect common human values while leaving political differenc es aside,” he added. Emirati Ahmed Al Mansouri set up the Middle East’s first dedicated Holocaust memorial exhib it as an attempt to overcome Holocaust denial and has been collecting historical Judaica from around the region since the museum opened in 2013. “In the region, there is big denial [of the Holocaust] and the Holocaust is seen as something that has been politicized,” said Mansouri. “I believed the Holocaust would never hap pen again, but when I saw the recent rise in antisemitism, I knew I was wrong,” he said. “Even in the most civilized coun tries, humans are humans, and this horrif ic event in human history can be repeat ed. The Holocaust was the biggest crime against humanity and this message is for all of humanity.”

Fat at Fish

The Carrot is big and orange –and a fish. Andy Hackett, 42, was fish ing in France when he nabbed an over sized female carp weighing a whopping 67.5 pounds. This was no ordinary sea creature. The fish is also orange in col or, which makes it prized by anglers since most other giant carp are either pale or brownish. “I knew it was a big fish when it took my bait and went off side to side and up and down with it,” Hackett said. “Then it came to the sur

face 30 or 40 yards out, and I saw that it was orange.“It was brilliant to catch it, but it was also sheer luck,” he add ed. It took him 25 minutes to reel in his catch. Still, “The Carrot”–his name for the fish –was released back into the lake. The behemoth fish was stocked 15 years ago “as something different for the anglers to try to catch,” Jason Cowl er, a spokesman for Bluewater Lakes, explained. “It’s not the biggest resident in the lake, but by far the most outstand ing,” he said. The orange-colored carp was caught around nine times last fish ing season, Cowler added. In February, she broke the 60-pound mark. “I always knew The Carrot was in there but never thought I would catch it,” Hackett said. Hey, you know there are other fish in the sea.

Hillel Shabbaton IGNITES the Community

mitzvah of Hafrashat Challah.

As the sun began to set on Friday, crowds of Hillel families made their way to the Edris Blvd. cul-de-sac for a grand Kabbalat Shabbat street takeover. Their voices lift ed for miles as the children sang and danced, ushering in Hashem’s day of rest; moments these students will never forget.

As the orange fire-shaped lawn signs began lining the streets of Beverlywood, the heat began to spread! The word was out - the Hillel community was joining together to IGNITE a fire within, a fire that will light up their souls, light up their community, and light up this town.

In conjunction with the global Shabbat Project, the weekend of November 11th-12th was dedicated as a Shab bat to celebrate with Jewish communities worldwide. So, in its unique Hillel fashion, the community geared up to do the same – celebrate a magical Shabbat together, in the year of togetherness; Shnat Hakhel.

The Hillel IGNITE Shabbaton kicked off with over 800 Kehilla members joining together for the Mega Kehil la Challah Bake. The program was led by Hillel Students together with Instagram influencer @Naomi-TGIS who led the crowd in her famous Challah braiding techniques. Children, parents, and grandparents joined together along with Yachad children of all abilities, through the special

Following Kabbalat Shabbat, Hillel families part nered together for the Friday night “Chaver’’ program, during which families hosted other Hillel families for Shabbat dinner. New and familiar faces came together to enjoy delicious diverse cuisine, Hillel z’mirot, and the special gifts of Shabbat.

Shabbat day had the fire shining even brighter. Hil lel’s Kehillat Shabbat showcased the Hillel Middle School students leading the davening, to hundreds of Hillel fam ilies gathering for the largest Kehillat Shabbat Kiddush in Hillel’s 75-year history. On Shabbat afternoon, Hillel students gathered in Circle Park to learn Mishnayot with Hillel Rabbeim. It was evident that each child was ignited and ready for Shabbat’s finale.

Gathering for the finale to this indescribable Shab baton, at the iconic Pat’s Under the Stars. One Shabbat, one community. Wearing matching Ignite sweatshirts and lifting up their candles, the Shabbaton culminated in a uni fied Havdalah, led by Reb Moshe Storch. This Shabbat surely lit an internal flame that united our Hillel Kehilla.

Torah Nights Attracts Doves of Young Men to the LINK Kollel

Every Tuesday and Thursday night, dozens of young men, from 5th to 8th grade, flock to the LINK Kollel on Pico Blvd. for the excitement of more Torah learning. After a full day of Torah and sec ular studies (not to mention homework!), they get re-charged by a stimulating pro gram of chaburah study, Torah riddles, and, of course, raffle prizes and great refresh ments.

The remarkable aspect of the pro gram is that it attracts students (and often their fathers and Rebbeim) from the full gamut of Yeshivos and Day Schools in LA, from “modern” to “yeshivish” and Ashke nazim as well as Sephardim. The students learn whatever they like. Those that don’t come with their chavrusos or fathers can learn with their Rebbeim or with the Avre ichim of the LINK Kollel – or even with Rabbi Asher Brander (LINK’s Dean).

The atmosphere is electric and pul sating with a near-deafening “Kol Torah.”

At the conclusion, Rabbi Brander offers prizes to those who can answer age-appro priate questions/riddles and of course, there are the ever-suspenseful raffles. Everyone walks away with some prize, plus an as sortment of delicious refreshments, drinks, and a dollar bill. Not bad for a 40-minute Torah workout!

In response to the continued rise of anti-semitic sentiment online and the rise of incidents here in LA, Magen Am has been increasing its security presence in the community, particularly at schools and synagogues.

In addition, Magen Am has been holding meetings with local police and schools to create or improve security prac tices, and emergency protocols, and to dis cuss the importance of having Magen Am security guards safeguarding the students.

Free Firearms Training

Please reach out to Magen Am if you would like to discuss the security needs of your school, synagogue, or neighborhood. Being proactive and having a plan of action is critical to the overall safety and security of our institutions.

Magen Am provided security for the Idan Raichel concert as well as for the groundbreaking of the new LA Cheder girls’ school.

We had a great turnout for the first Sunday of Free Firearms Training provid ed by Magen Am. If you missed this one, there are still spots available for the up coming classes on Sunday, Dec 4 & Jan 1.

9-11 am Skill Builders: This ses sion is reserved for Magen Am Team Member & Active Law Enforcement.

11:30 am-1:30 pm CCW Holders: Master the skills of using a firearm when drawing from a concealed holster.

2-4 pm Beginners: Learn the rules of firearm safety and master the fundamen tals of marksmanship.

Mega Kehilla Challah Bake

The Lewis family at the Havdalah Concert at Pat’s under the stars

Rabbi Ari Schwarzberg with his son Lev, and William Genet at the Havdalah concert

Hillel Students, Ellia Alyesh, Claire Braunstein, Eli Wizenfeld, and Lior Alyesh singing with Reb Moshe Storch

Beis Chaya Mushka LA Students Experience

Hakhel

Greeted by Leviim in full regalia, a glisten ing Bais Hamikdash, and the sound of trumpets, the students of Bais Chaya Mushka Los Angeles went back in time to experience Hakhel in ways in which they had only ever heard about.

Every seven years in the Bais Hamikdash, Yidden of every shape and size joined together in unity and awe, and this Hakhel was just the same. Mini Mommies and Tot ties, Bubbies and brothers, and Zaidies and babies journeyed through the Je rusalem stone walkways

of Yerushalayim, finally reaching the regal entrance of the Bais Hamikdash, its golden doors sparkling. BCMLA Principal. Mrs. Rochie Charytan. welcomed each group of the “anashim, nashim, and taf.” After a spirited performance by the 5th grade Leviim, a hush stole over the room for the moment they had all been waiting for… The King had arrived!

Rabbi A. Teleshevsky of JCraft em bodied the role, encouraging each girl to accept the unique mission of the Hakhel year to - to act as kings and queens and draw Yiden together. With great excite ment, he recited Pesukim from Devarim, allowing each BCMLA girl to feel the power of hearing Hashem’s holy hTorah surrounded by all of Klal Yisroel. Calling on students from each class, the Hakhel elements of Torah, Tefillah, and Tzedakah were completed with the 12 Pesukim, Tze dakah, and the Rebbe’s Kapital.

The feelings and lessons from this amazing program, organized and overseen

with love by Ms. Mushka Novack, will be brought to action with the Hakhel Ambas sador program. The program encourages students to create a Hakhel even wherever they are, with their Hakhel Ambassador ship. Working together as a class, with the help of their 8th-grade captions, grades will earn points for each Hakhel, on their way to a grand reward.

As a reminder of their Hakhel event, the girls were given a “crown” necklace, so they will always remember that they have the power of Kings and Queens and “Wherever I am, Wherever I’ll be, Hakhel is always with me.”

Beis Chaya Mushka Los Angeles, through experiential programs such as this Hakhel and Bnos Chabad programming throughout the year, strives for opportuni ties to bring Yiddishkeit and Chassidishkeit to life through various mediums, and this once-in-a-decade experience is further tes tament to that.

Students at Yeshivat Yavneh Love Torah and Mitzvos

host Rabbi Shimon Kraft, owner of The Mitzvah Store, who gave a hands-on pre sentation about mitzvas tefillin, which the boys have begun learning about and wear ing, as they turn Bar Mitzvah this year.

The Mishna in Pirkei Avos teaches us that the world stands on three things: Torah, Avodah, and Gemilus Chasadim. The 7th-grade students of Yeshivat Yavneh were able to meaningfully grow, and be impacted, in all three facets of Yiddishkeit this past week.

A group of 7th-grade boys, led by Rabbi Eli Kirschner, performed a beauti ful chesed by visiting Rabbi Yitzi Hurwitz. Rabbi Hurwitz is paralyzed due to ALS, yet inspired the boys through his passion and love for Torah and mitzvos. The boys shared Divrei Torah with him and were able to begin a relationship with Rav Yitzi.

At the end of the week, the 7thgrade boys had the special opportunity to

Our 7th and 8th-grade girls were treated to a special siyum, made by Talya and Kayla Barz, who were zoche to finish Seder Zeraim with their family through the Mishna Yomi Program. The girls talked about all that they learned regarding mitz vos teluyos ba’aretz and the impact that that learning has had on them. Mazel tov!

Multiculturalism at Spivak Hebrew Academy

From Pow Wows to Israeli Dancing, Spivak Hebrew Academy is learning about different cultures through song, dance, and play. This past week, the preschool cele brated the Thanksgiving holiday by com ing together in a big Pow Wow sing-along led by the school director, Cecelie Wizen feld. Children dressed up as Pilgrims and Native Americans, wearing bonnets, vests, and headbands that they made. The teach ers dressed up alongside them, and told a brief description, in age-appropriate detail, of Thanksgiving-related events. Then the children went around and said what they thank Hashem for, such as “for my fam ily” and “for mommy and daddy.” Along with the Pow Wow, the students engaged in an outdoor classroom with discovery and sensory areas that continued the theme, in cluding drums, rain sticks, corn, pumpkins, and teepees.

While the preschool learned of his torical events through storytelling, song, and play, the Elementary students engaged in cultural learning with Israeli dancing taught by a professional Israeli dance in structor, Karin Weizman. Elementary stu dents learned a traditional Israeli Folk dance, “Zemer Atik.” Zemer Atik, which means “Old Melody” incorporates the Yid dish and Hassidic cultures of Israel from the 1950s. The Elementary students will continue to learn different cultures and the history of Israel through dance as a special monthly Rosh Chodesh event.

Worldwide Shabbat Project at Emek

mothers and grandmothers to bless their daughters for good health, peace in the home, parnassa, and our children continu ing to follow Hashem and the Torah. Mrs. Lizzy Shachar and Morah Union led the dancing while the dough was rising.

In honor of the Worldwide Shabbat Project, Emek hosted a giant challah-bak ing event for mothers and daughters. The inspirational event was open to all Emek families and drew in over 300 participants. The beautifully adorned room filled with pink, white, and black decor lent itself to an atmosphere that radiated joy and cele bration. The program began with an ex traordinary video message presented by Rabbi Goldstein, the Chief Rabbi of South Africa, thanking Emek for participating in the Challah Bake and welcoming the Valley community. Emek’s 8th-grade girls were called upon to say Tehillim and a special prayer for each ingredient. Devorah and Leora Kerendian led the Hafrasha, the bra cha on the taking of challah. Morah Tova Union led the YehiRatzon, a prayer said by

The goal of the event was to allow the incredible power of Shabbos to bring people together. The program concluded with lively Shabbos music and dancing and a delicious dessert reception. We would like to thank Morah Union for spearhead ing the event, as well as Mrs. Shachar for her singing and dancing leadership. Ad ditional appreciation goes to Mrs. Lesky Kiaee for the beautiful balloon decorations and our event chairs, Mrs. Dorit Warner, Mrs.Pamela Marcus, and Mrs. Rebecca Torbati.

Westside Shul Cooks Meals for those in Need

ETTA Hosts Valley Village Shabbaton

the first time as he described what ETTA has meant to him and his family. Next door at Emek, and through the generosity of its head of school, Rabbi Mordechai Shifman, ETTA clients, staff, and family feasted on scrumptious community-made meals co ordinated by Sharon Levine and Amy Lei bowitz.

The Westside shul members volun teered on a Sunday to help OBKLA pre pare over 250 fresh hot meals for those in need. It was a fun and fast-paced two-hour session in which they peeled, chopped, sliced, stirred, and even baked. They then packaged up the meals for local delivery to food banks and Jewish families in need. Thank you to Yossi and Chaya Segelman for bringing this mitzvah opportunity to the Los Angeles Community.

At the end of the cooking session, the children were given a small package of cookies to give to someone to brighten up their day. This was an impactful gesture that made the children feel good about do ing mitzvot and helping others.

Friendship Circle Invites Men & Boys to Pizza and Pop

On October 28th and 29th, ETTA, LA’s premier special needs provider, host ed its 107th

Over the weekend, attendees dav ened with Rabbi Jonathan Rosenberg at Shaarey Zedek Congregation and were fortunate to hear a D’rash from new ETTA client Sean Shaffa, who publicly spoke for

The ETTA Youth Board ran a mitz vah trivia competition after Shabbos lunch and the Shabbaton concluded after Havda lah with a truly mesmerizing experience at the house of ETTA’s Director of Youth and Volunteer Services and Shabbaton organiz er, Leah Schachter, where clients, staff and ETTA Youth Board members were wowed by The Master Mentalist who performed amazing magic of the mind. ETTA is look ing forward to hosting its 108th Shabbaton for its Pico-Robertson community from December 16th – 17th.

Maimo Saturday Night Fun!

The Gindi Maimonides Academy middle schoolers volunteered at the Friend ship Circle Saturday Night Fun event. Par ents dropped off their children. Our stu dents had a great time entertaining them with different activities, a Havdalah cere mony, and a fun show. We are so proud of all of our students who came out to show their support and care for this important cause. Thank you to the Friendship Circle for including us and allowing our students to participate. We look forward to their next great program.

Pizza and Pop was an instant suc cess when it debuted on Motzei Shabbat, Nov 5, 2022. Fathers, sons, brothers, and close friends joined together at Friendship Circle of Los Angeles for its first father-son learning program for individuals of all abilities, the first-ever program of its kind in Los Angeles. One mom said, “My hus band was so happy to have a program to go to with our son on Motzei Shabbat.”

Participants enjoyed a musical ha vdalah, followed by a pizza Melave Mal ka. The group then engaged in interactive learning, including a Jewish Months Ka hoot game and a Hebrew reading Room that had centers for all abilities and levels

of reading. Volunteers from Yeshiva Ohr Elchonon Chabad helped run the evening, from greeting participants to making and serving fresh popcorn.

The evening ended on a high with a kumzitz, singing, and joyous dancing.

Friendship Circle is already plan ning a second Pizza and Pop due to its great success.

The event was organized by Mrs. Doonie Mishulovin, Educational Director, and run by Rabbi Michy Rav-Noy, Exec utive Director, and Rabbi Moshe Bitton, Camp Administrator and Volunteer Coor dinator. Photography was provided by Mr. Steve Cohn.

Shabbaton in Valley Village. 18 ETTA clients and 24 staff members at tended this spiritually and socially uplifting weekend, graciously hosted by eight local families.

Fathers, sons and friends enjoying an evening filled with learning and pizza.

Shalhevet hosts the Glouberman Basketball Tournament

Varsity teams. Steve moved on from Pan ther to Bruin, attending UCLA, where he majored in Economics. He then went on to Loyola Law School, where he graduated at the top of his class. It was in high school where Steve met his future wife, Flora, to whom he was married for over 23 years. The high school sweethearts were blessed with three amazing children, Leah, Rachel, and Jeremy, who all inherited Steve’s ath

he loved.

There was overwhelmingly positive feedback regarding the tournament this year. Shalhevet High school is proud of all the teams that participated and grateful to their coaches, chaperone, and student-ath letes for making this year’s tournament a high-energy, positive, and action-packed experience for all those involved.

The tournament brings together 18

Torah Thought

Parshas Vayetzei: Stairway to Heaven

Ari Bensoussan

The Torah is endless.

It is an idea that we have heard for many years from our Rabbis and teachers throughout school and shul. We are taught how in each word there are so many hidden secrets and supernatural ideas that one must delve extremely deep, to at least scratch the surface of its plentiful depths.

I never really saw it so clearly in my younger years of Yeshiva and relied on my unwavering faith in my Rabbis that it had to be true. But I waited, hoping to find a bit of a taste of whatever it was that made my Rabbi’s eye sparkle with delight when they would tell me of the hidden treasures buried under the surface of those timeless words.

It happened in this Parsha, Parashat Vayetzei, and with an incredible sefer written in English called The World of Jewish Prayer by Rabbi Elie Munk. I have been a student of Tefillah for many years, learning books and Sefarim on the subject. World of Prayer is certainly up there in the top tier of books that unpackag es the enormous world of Tefillah in an almost effortless way with a seamless flow of very deep ideas.

and 4- Assiya. Hidden within these words is the secret of how our tefillot traverses up toward Hashem by Shacharit each day.

They begin with “There was a ladder fixed to the ground”, that is the bottom-most of the four worlds, name ly, Assiya, the world of doing. Rambam describes it as the world connected to the physical and material. This is rep resented each day by the first part of our morning prayers, the Birchat Hashachar, where we thank Hashem for all our physical elements and senses. From rising in the morning and putting on clothing to all else that is our welfare in this world is covered in the first part of Shacharit.

“With its tops reaching to the Heavens,” is from Pe sukei D’zimra until the end of Yishtabach. It is within this part of the tefillah that deals with God’s revelation of himself in nature and in history. The splendor of nature, the starry heavens, and the beautiful reality of our world all proclaim the glory of Hashem. It is with this prayer that our thoughts rise from the rung of Assiya, the physical needs of man, to the world of Yetzira, the world of shapes and forms in the heavens and that it has been formed by the almighty himself.

“Here we thought it was a story we were told as children. But little did we realize how true the words of the Rabbis are. That within each and every word of Torah there is a treasure waiting to be discovered.”

Let us delve for a moment.

The Pesukim beginning in Bereishit 28-12 reads, “There was a ladder fixed to the ground with its top reaching up to the heavens. And there were angels of God ascending and descending it. And the eternal was there standing over them.” The Zohar explains it is from here that we learn the prayers we utter on Earth reach up to the heavens. We know these very famous pesukim describe the story of Yaakov Avinu coming upon the future place of the Beit Hamikdash and his laying there for the night and receiving a vision of this ladder with angels going up and down toward the heav enly host floating above it all.

Certainly, this is an abstract story that even our imaginations fall short of picturing, however, where does the Zohar find within these treasured words the concept of prayer ascending from earth to heaven? Let us unearth this treasure together.

The Medrash assigns four rungs to the heavenly ladder. Rambam, in Moreh Nevuchim, describes four stages in the biblical narrative. “They (the four rungs of the ladder) indicate the four levels through which human perception must advance to the knowledge of Hashem.

“There was a ladder fixed to the ground” al ludes to the relationship and connection of all earthly beings within the world to be on their own. “Fixed to the ground” points to the material world of sense per ception and experience from which all knowledge must start. “With its top reaching to the heavens” indicates the next level of knowledge to be obtained concerning the world of heavenly spheres. “And there were angels of God ascending and descending it” refers to the tran scendental world of angels. The fourth and ultimate stage, the goal of human understanding and the goal of human prayer is the one revealed at the end of the pasuk “and the eternal was there standing over him.”

These four rungs represent the four worlds the kabbalists refer to as 1- Atzilut, 2- Beriya 3- Yetzira,

“And there were angels of God ascending and de scending it”, brings our minds and prayers to the world of Beriya. World of Angels. We talk of the Serafim and Chayot HaKodesh, and how they are fluttering in heaven purpose

fully in haste to praise the almighty. It is at this point we say Shema, which recognizes that all of the tefillah to this point has been a build-up to a recognition that all created things from Beriya downward are His. Hashem Echad. It’s all one, and it is our responsibility to live this way with this awareness.

Finally, we ascend to the fourth and final rung, “and the eternal was there standing over him.” The world of Atzi lut. The bottom of Hashem’s throne, kaviyachul. It is here that we take three steps in, before we begin Shemoneh Esrei, representing traversing through the previous three worlds and now stand before the throne of Hashem.

How incredible is this? The Sulam (ladder) on the ground of Yakov’s dream represents the material and phys ical worlds of Assiyah. We then ascend our prayers in our minds to Yetzirah praising Hashem for all the wonders of the world. We know this because the ladder (physical in this world) reaches Hashamayim, to the Heavens. From there we see the malachim going up and down to show how our prayers transcend to the world of Beriyah and we pronounce Hashem Echad. finally being able to stand in front of Hash em’s throne in Atzilut and pray for all our needs, represented in the words ``and the eternal was there standing over him.``

Here we thought it was a story we were told as chil dren. But little did we realize how true the words of the Rab bis are. That within each and every word of Torah there is a treasure waiting to be discovered.

Rabbi Ari Bensoussan is a Talmud of Mir Jerusalem and Lakewood BMG. A Musmach of the Jerusalem Rabbinate and Rav Yitzchok Berkowitz shlita. Rabbi Ari co-founded Yeshivat Ruach Chaim in Jerusalem and was a Senior Lecturer in Derech, Ohr Sameach Jerusalem. Recently, Rabbi Ari moved with his wife and 5 kids to L.A. where he is heading a new branch of Chazak In ternational, a community outreach initiative. A world-renowned lecturer and sought-after speaker, Rabbi Ari can be found on torahanytime.com.

Shalom Bayit

Through the Parsha

Parshat Vayishlach

When Reality Hits

A husband calls home and the maid answers

Rabbi Nir Yacoby

“Yes Mr. Cohen.”

“May I speak with my wife?”

“She’s watching TV”.

“I study Torah all day and my wife watches TV?! I can’t take the duplicity.” He jumps off the roof. On the way down he’s thinking “wait a minute, we don’t own a TV set… we don’t have a maid…. And My name is not Mr. Cohen…”

Calling home is an excellent way to bridge the gap be tween your expectation and the reality at home.

In חלשיו after years of being away from home, Jacob does 3 things ahead of his return: he sends our scouts to collect infor mation on what home is like now, he prepares for the encounter, and he makes a mental image of the encounter.

Similarly, when you call home, collect info: “Who’s home? What’s cooking?” Then strategize with your wife: “Can I bring Moishy from a playdate? Can I pick up some pizza?” Most importantly, make adjustments to your mental image of “how does home feel now.” You adjust your expectations and are now more helpful for Shalom Bayit.

Rabbi

Rabbi Nir and his wife Atrian give regular classes on Shalom Bayit. His popular 3-minute podcast is funny and draws Shalom Bayit ideas from the Torah portion of the week. To register: ShalomInComics@gmail.com

We did it! We survived the midterm elections. Much like we have seen over the last few election cycles, we need to expect the unexpected. The red wave that Repub licans were expecting never arrived. Al though they still managed to take control of the House which will make it very difficult for the Biden administration to pass legisla tion over the next two years.

Political experts have offered various explanations for this outcome. The starting point is to recognize that voters are not nec essarily voting for the candidate that they want to win. They often vote for the party that they feel most closely aligns with their principles and values or they are voting to express their disapproval of another party. The issues on voters’ minds may far out weigh their knowledge about the candidate for whom they are voting, and they are at peace with it.

Just five months ago, in an emotion ally charged case, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in Dobbs v. Jackson Women Health Organization that a woman does not have the right to an abortion and that it should be left to individual states to decide. It over ruled Roe v. Wade which had been the law on the books for almost 50 years. While the ruling was intended to be grounded in con stitutional interpretation, it was largely pro moted as just the latest extreme maneuver by a conservative court. The Senate is afraid Obergefell v. Hodges is going to be treated the same and is advancing the Respect For Marriage Act before Republicans formally take control of the House in January.

Aside from inflation and the econo my, abortion was the single most important issue for a quarter of all voters, and a third of women under age 50. Therefore, it sub stantially factored into the election results.

Another issue that weighed into voters’ decisions was Donald Trump’s en dorsements of candidates. The January 6th hearings have been taking place for sever al months and serve as a constant reminder of the chaos and violence that ensued at the Capitol. Prosecutions of the rioters are reg ularly being covered by the news and rein force the instability of the nation during a time when there should have been a peace ful transfer of power. Trump would counter

that Mehmet Oz and Doug Mastriano lost because they were simply not strong enough candidates and not because he endorsed them.

Trump wholeheartedly believes this because he announced his 2024 Presidential Candidacy right after the midterm results.

There is no question that Florida Governor Ron DeSantis will rival Trump after winning a landslide re-election victory. DeSantis is interesting because, like Trump, he relishes taking unconventional actions but doesn’t seem to be taken to task for them by the voters like Trump is. For example, DeSantis chartered two planes carrying 50 migrants to Martha’s Vineyard to protest Democrat’s immigration policies. Much of the media painted DeSantis as callously us ing helpless migrants to promote an anti-im migrant agenda. Yet the political stunt did not cost him votes.

Christopher F. Rufo, a senior fellow at the Manhattan Institute and a contrib uting editor of City Journal answers in an 11/16/22 article entitled, “Man In The Are na” that “DeSantis has built his profile by engaging in controversial cultural fights on critical race theory, gender ideology, and other “woke” issues. In his election night victory speech, DeSantis framed himself as

he stated that, “relitigating the past did not fare as well. And it’s my conviction that the Republican Party is going to earn the right to lead this country in the days ahead on an increasing basis that we’ve got to be known as the party of the future.” Pence’s book which was just released titled “So Help Me God” shows clearly where he stands on the past.

The Democrats also have their hands full figuring out who they will be support ing in 2024. A new CNN poll finds 75% of Democratic and Democratic-leaning vot ers want the party to nominate someone other than President Joe Biden in the 2024 election, a sharp increase from earlier this year. Yet Biden says that he plans to run in 2024. California Governor Gavin Newsom appears to be the front-runner. Both parties have internal conflicts that they will need to resolve leading up to 2024.

There has been a lot of griping about how California takes so long to count all the votes. It has spurred both frustration and speculation. The reason why it takes so long is that since the Covid-19 pandemic, Cali fornia mails every registered voter a ballot.

The processing of each mail ballot in Cal ifornia is grueling. Election officials need to confirm that no one voted twice, verify each signature, and then tally them up – 22 million times. The only quick-fix solution would be to return to in-person voting.

In conclusion, the results of the mid term elections should come as no surprise. Both sides are going to have voters that vote straight down party lines. The middleof-the-road, a.k.a. undecided voters are the ones that make the difference and generally vote for the candidate that exudes stability, consistency, and authenticity rather than ex treme views and radical policies. Republi cans may enjoy celebrating and basking in the recent conservative court’s rulings, but in the end, they may come back to bite them at the ballot box.

Lou Shapiro is a criminal defense attorney-certified spe cialist and legal analyst, but most importantly, makes the end-of-shul announcements at Adas Torah. He can be reached at LouisJShapiro@gmail.com.

a culture-war champion. “We fight the woke in the legislature. We fight the woke in the schools. We fight the woke in the corpora tions,” he said. “We will never, ever surren der to the woke mob. Florida is where woke goes to die.”

Rufo argues that DeSantis under stands and identifies with his constituents and is not afraid to put forth policies in support of them. At the same time, DeSan tis isn’t an election denier and he’s looking forward, not back. That’s what voters truly want.

The consensus of experts for the GOP to make real progress is for it to focus on future improvements for the country. On a recent “Face The Nation”, when former V.P. Mike Pence was asked to address the GOP’s disappointing midterm performance,

Lou Shapiro

“The starting point is to recognize that voters are not necessarily voting for the candidate that they want to win. They often vote for the party that they feel most closely aligns with their principles and values or they are voting to express their disapproval of another party.”

Yaakov Wasilewicz

Rabbi Pinchas Menachem Justman was born in Warsaw, Poland in 1848 to his father Rabbi Binyamin Eliezer Justman, and mother Tzina Pessel Justman (née Alter), daughter of the Chiddushei Harim the first Gerrer Rebbe. His mother died when Pin chas Menachem was very young. Orphaned of his mother, he grew up in the home of his grandfather Rabbi Yitzchak Meir Alter (known as the Chiddushei Harim), and his wife, together with his cousin, also an or phan, and later his brother-in-law, Rabbi Yehudah Aryeh Leib Alter, the Sfas Emes. Rav Pinchas Menachem grew up

on his grandfather’s lap hearing words of Torah. Already at the age of seven, young Pinchas Menachem was outstanding in his learning. When he was about nine years old, his grandfather took him to visit the Kotz ker Rebbe, an event that left a lifelong im pression on him.

In 1864, Rav Pinchas Menachem married his first cousin, Hendel Leah, who was the daughter of his uncle Rabbi Avra ham Mordechai Alter, the son of the Chid dushei Harim, becoming the brother-in-law of the Sfas Emes.

When the Rebbe Rav Henoch was niftar after just four years and the lead ership was passed on to Rabbi Yehudah Aryeh Leib Alter, the Sfas Emes, Rav Pin chas Menachem Justman moved to Gora Kalwaria (Ger). He was both a masmid and an outstanding lamdan, and his greatness in Torah was renowned. He was always seen reviewing Mishnayos to himself, not wast ing even a second of time. Aside from the sefer “Sifsei Tzaddik” on the Torah, he also wrote a large work on Shas and a commen tary on Tehillim which were not published before the Holocaust and were lost during the war.

To his family and friends, he was known as Reb Mendele of Ger. He was one of the only Chassidim who understood the deep shmuessen (lectures) of the Sfas

Emes, and thus after every Tisch, many congregated around him to hear him repeat the Rebbe’s words. Therefore it’s not a sur prise that in 1905 when his brother-in-law, the Sefas Emes (the second Gerrer Rebbe) died, some of the Chassidim sought to be stow the mantle of leadership upon him. But because he was a very humble person, he didn’t feel he deserved to be called the Rebbe, leading his own court. So in 1905, he moved out of Gora Kalwaria to the city of Pilica (Piltz).

That didn’t stop the Gerrer Chas sidim from following him there too. One day a Talmid chacham came and told him that he should let others bask in the light of Torah and Yiras Shamayim. (Some say

wska 23 Street, Reb Mendel would come there for the High Holidays and would lead the prayer services, animating the prayers with his sweet melodies and pleasant voice.

On 23 Tammuz 5672 (8 July 1912) he added the name Elazar to his name Pin chas Menachem when he was very ill. That helped and eventually, he recovered from his illness.

In 1915 he moved from Pilica to Wieruszów and four years later in the

of Pilz and the Community of Częstochowa regarding the burial place. Eventually, he was buried in the Jewish cemetery of Częstochowa, next to his son Yitzchak Meir who died a year earlier. Tens of thousands of people attended the funeral.

Every year more and more people visit the kever (grave) of the Sifsei Tzaddik on the day of his yahrzeit. Zchuso Yagen Aleinu.

that this was Eliyahu Hanavi). Only then he agreed and became their Rebbe. He be came the first Piltzer Rebbe and began to be known by the title of his main work, the “Sifsei Tzadik,” which was a commentary on Torah.

“Sifsei Tzaddik” (Lips of the Tzad dik) was published only after his death, by his son Rabbi Chanoch Gad Justman and Rabbi Menachem Mendel Alter of Pabi anice, son of the Sfas Emes. However, he remained faithful and subject to the lead ership of the new Gerrer Rebbe, the Imrei Emes, and all communal matters were man aged jointly by the two. Pilica Chassidism consolidated quickly and encompassed many thousands. From towns all over Po land, Chassidim thronged to it to become infused with Rebbe Pinchas Menachem’s Torah and Chassidism. The Tzaddik him self was sensitive and in his book “Sifsei Tzaddik”, he attempted to also express his musical emotions.

Among the Chassidim who came to Pilica to visit him on Shabbos and holidays were renowned singers–composers, who brought with them the musical atmosphere, as well as a new “crop” of melodies. The new melody for “Akdumes”, (“Introduc tions”), a liturgical poem in Aramaic that is recited in public on the holiday of Shavuos, which was a tradition in the Gerer dynasty, was inaugurated each year in both places. The main singer-composer in Pilica was Reb Mendel Fruman, whose heart burned with true passion and dedication to music. He directed the singing at the Rebbe’s court together with his two sons. When the Reb be moved to Częstochowa, and opened his Beis Medrash where he lived on Warsza

spring of 1919, he moved his Chassid ic court to Częstochowa (Chenstochov), where he lived for almost two years until his passing in November 1920. The Sifsei Tzaddik passed away on Shabbos, Parshas Vayishlach on the 10th of Kislev 5681, (No vember 21, 1920) in Czestochowa, Poland. His funeral was held on Monday because of a disagreement between the Community

Yaakov Wasilewicz was born in Częstochowa, Poland and he studied at the Talmudical Academy of Baltimore 20042008 and Shor Yoshuv in Lawrence, NY 2008-2017. He has completed higher education in Psychology and Ed ucation at Touro College in New York. He also studied at the Belz School of Jewish Music at Yeshiva University, training his voice under the direction of the world-famous cantor Joseph Malovany. Yaakov is a composer and sing er of Jewish songs and writes occasionally for various Jewish publications. Yaakov welcomes your questions and comments. He can be reached at Yaakov.W.Music@gmail. com.

“He was one of the only Chassidim who understood the deep shmuessen (lectures) of the Sfas Emes, and thus after every Tisch, many congregated around him to hear him repeat the Rebbe’s words.”

Happenings in the H d The D c with + Fred’s Bakery

A milchik babka, yes please!

Last Sunday, we ventured all the way out to South Robertson for a cup of coffee and some danishes at the legendary Fred’s Bakery and Deli, established in 1952. Fred’s is a quaint little neigh borhood bakery (we still don’t understand why it’s called a deli, besides having lox and bagels) that you wouldn’t expect on Robertson Blvd. It is merely feet away from Hamilton High School and the 10 Freeway, where we are truly blessed in LA with the most scenic eateries. When you walk in, you can’t help but feel the tradition, the nostalgia, the history, and the feelings of saftas’ Kokosh.

Instinctively we began questioning the gen tleman behind the counter about Fred. Fred was a Holocaust survivor who opened the bakery over 70 years ago upon settling in the hood. Fred hired lo cal immigrant bakers and merged their skill with his Eastern European flair. He ran the bakery diligent

“When you walk in, you can’t help but feel the tradition, the nostalgia, the history, and the feelings of saftas’ Kokosh.”

ly until his passing. Fred’s wishes were to keep the bakery open and so he passed it on to his daughters. For unclear reasons, they sold the bakery to a Kore an family who subsequently sold Fred’s yet again to Avi in 2015.

Avi is a gem. He took over as owner in 2015 and immediately sought a proper hechsher to contin ue Fred’s legacy and incorporate the bakery into the greater Jewish community. Avi kept all of the orig inal recipes and several of the bakers who worked side by side with Fred. Most importantly, Avi kept the neighbors and the atmosphere. Avi told us his story, who he is, where he came from, and his vision that the bakery be a place where everyone knows your name. Almost on-cue, a nice local Yid walked in to pick up his daily coffee and danish. We asked him why he comes to Fred’s and not the multiple other places on Pico. He said he has been coming to Fred’s since 1998, “we are just different here in Soro…things are different here.”

Avi was like our bartender that morning; Instead of scotch and bourbon, it was a danish and a black and white. We asked Avi what else was good in the display cabinet, he responded, “Nothing is good, everything is excellent.”

“Each pastry has its own unique dough and it is clear how much effort is put into each of the dairy delicacies.”

After a few bites it was clear that what makes Fred’s so unique and special are the dairy pastries. The rugelach are special. The taste of butter in the dairy pastries is decadent. Each pastry has its own unique dough and it is clear how much effort is put into each of the dairy delicacies. Our top recommen dation is to take home one of the chocolate babka cakes and mini rugelach. Make sure the mishpacha knows it’s dairy, and when you wake up Shabbos morning grab a shtikel mit a cup of coffee and you’ll never have a better start to Shabbos morning (see Eretz Tzvi 2:1 and Igrot Moshe vol. 10 pg 326; vol 19 pg. 40).

As we were finishing our tasting of the multi tude of rugelach choices, we asked Avi how he does

it. He pauses for a moment and says ”אין הנחתם מעיד על עסתו. We have no idea what that means but it’s pure; the man is a walking fortune kichel.

We closed out our tab and headed home reminiscing that there is something unique about sit ting on Robertson in a 70-year-old bakery looking out the window and enjoying fresh dairy pastries with a cup of coffee on a Sunday morning.

Please note Fred’s Bakery is not Cholov Yis rael.

“Happenings in the Hood with TMtZvi and the Doc” is a new review column of local Jewish and kosher establishments. Tzvi Ratner-Stau ber is a mortgage broker in LA and Steven Kupferman is an Oral and Maxillofacial Surgeon in Century City.

Past Pearls from the

Antique Seforim

Zalman Brim

Housed in the Zichron Yaakov archives is the guest book of the local Graf Hotel. The entry dated 23 Cheshvan 5674 (November 23, 1913) has a tale to tell.

It reads (translated) “During the days we stayed in the settlement of Zichron Yaakov we had our sleeping arrangements by Mr. P.A. Graf. We were pleased with the cleanliness of the rooms and by the service.”

Signed: Avrohom Yitzchok Kook, Rabbi of Yaffo; Yosef Chaim Zonnenfeld; Yonasan B. Horowitz; Yaakov Moshe Charlap; A.M. Zonnen feld, son of the great sage Y.C. Zonnenfeld Shlit”a. That’s an impressive list of Rabbonim! What was the reason for their stay? Well, this was just the starting point. They were about to commence a month-long journey all through the north of Eretz Yisroel, visiting recently founded colonies. The del egation was arranged by then chief Rabbi of Yaffo Rabbi A.Y. Kook Zt”l had the objective of pleading for and assisting with the preservation of religious life within the fledgling communities, specifically focusing on Shabbos, Mitzvos of the land, and Jew ish education. They visited 26 colonies, with Zichron Yaakov being from the more developed of them.

In a letter to his brother, the venerated Rabbi Zonnenfeld Zt”l describes the arduous travel going by mule for hours on end and even once by horse. The journey was recorded by Rabbi Yonason B. Horowitz in a Sefer titled “Eleh Massei.” One mov ing scene portrayed is their visit to Etlit, a colony of 12 farming families. After a meeting that ended at midnight, residents happily acquiesced to introduce religion to their children’s curriculum and request ed to be provided with a Sefer Torah. The meeting ended in jubilation and dancing. The Rabbis then sat down for a meal where during the benedictions Rav Kook added the words “shehasimcha B’meono (there is rejoicing in the heavenly abode),” an addi tion usually strictly reserved for weddings.

Zalman Brim Judaica is a collector of antique Judaica. If you would like to feature an heirloom or piece in your own collection or if you are looking for a specific piece of Judaica, please reach out to Zal manBrim@gmail.com.

“After a meeting that ended at midnight, residents happily acquiesced to introduce religion to their children’s curriculum and requested to be provided with a Sefer Torah.”

The Apex Climb

Good Communication: How to Make it Great

Communication skills. Amongst the most popular topics discussed, written about, and taught. I was personally introduced to the concept of “good communication” in the late 80s by an uncle of mine who was witnessing a slightly contentious moment between a father and son - yup, I was the son!

I would like to present some commu nication basics while highlighting a primary aspect of healthy, productive communication which is commonly overlooked. Good com munication is the combination of knowing how to properly express one’s self and know ing how to listen well. The former incorpo rates two primary components; the speaker’s awareness of what they are feeling, and their ability to convey that feeling in a clear un derstandable manner. Let’s say, for example, that a husband regularly runs late to family Simchas. His wife first needs to be aware of her own feelings, i.e. her embarrassment at consistently arriving later than the rest of her family. Then she needs to express herself in a non-confrontational way. A pragmatic state

To be a good listener one has to develop core skills such as eye contact, validation, and empathy. It is important to allow the speaker to complete their message without interruption. Targeted input from the listener assures the speaker that the message is being clearly con veyed. Yet, these skills alone do not guarantee successful communication.

In working with couples, I notice an es sential aspect of communication that is often overlooked. That is, the willingness to listen and properly understand the other person, and be open to their personal opinion being adjust ed. A fundamental component of healthy com munication is one’s commitment to listen and be prepared to change their personal opinion in lieu of the other person’s feelings. Indeed, a study performed by a management compa ny finds that willingness to change an opinion ranks number four of the top ten skills of com munication.

ment could be, “I feel very embarrassed when I arrive later than other family members.” Or, a simple “I’m a person who enjoys being prompt,” qualifies as well. Understandably, yelling, “You are always late,” is less than a beneficial form of expression. Firstly, “you are always late” is not an expression of per sonal feelings, rather it is an accusation di rected at the spouse; it is critical and general. Does anyone “always “ come late Secondly, when we yell we can be as sured that we are not conveying our feelings in an understandable manner. We notice this fundamental lesson in the Torah’s account of the Dor HaFlaga, the post-Flood generation. The Torah recounts that the generation’s abil ity in uniting to rebel against Hashem was be cause they all spoke one language. To break their corrupted unity, Hashem programmed their brains to speak in different dialects so that they no longer understood each other. Interestingly, when describing their inability to understand each other, the Torah writes, “They won’t hear each other.” However, we know that Hashem did not make them deaf and unable to hear. It seems that true hear ing is dependent on the ability to understand what is being said. This plainly illustrates to us that true listening means clear understand ing. While a person may “hear” when they are being yelled at, their defense mechanism kicks in, and they are unable to understand and ab sorb the feelings behind the yell. We need to speak in a way that others can easily under stand our position.

All too often, couples, parents and children, and members of other varieties of relationships make great strides in improving the technical aspects of communication skills, yet over time may feel frustrated for not see ing any real changes. A possible explanation for this is that at least one side, if not both, is unwilling to listen. In other words, to sin cerely internalize the other person’s message and begin seeing their side. A spouse may sit attentively, make proper eye contact and even repeat the other spouse’s words to a tee, but if this component is missing then we don’t call it true listening.

Using current events as an example on a macro level, let’s focus on the ongoing war between Russia and Ukraine. The two coun tries repeatedly sit down to negotiate. Un doubtedly, the ambassadors of each country are talented communicators. They definitely know what they want before they sit down at the negotiation table. We can assume that they are eloquent and capable speakers and trained listeners. So, if all of the components of com munication are active, why have negotiations yielded no success? It seems that neither side is willing to listen, change their subjective per spective, and come to a mutual understanding.

To sum it up, studies show that good communication helps strengthen the bond of the relationship, (Reis & Patrick, 1996). Good communication must include the technical skills of healthy articulation and healthy lis tening, but dialogue can only bear fruit if each partner is willing to be open to truly consider the opinion of the other.

Rabbi Grama has been involved in the LA Jewish Commu nity since 1996. He currently is a Rebbe at Valley Torah High School and is the rabbi of the Westside Shul. As well, he holds an MSW from YU’s Wurtzweiler School of Social Work. Rabbi Grama can be followed every Tuesday at 6:30 pm PT on #TorahTuesday, an Instagram Live, for a brief Torah thought on the Parsha, and can be reached at daniel gramamsw@gmail.com.

“A fundamental component of healthy communication is one’s commitment to listen and be prepared to change their personal opinion in lieu of the other person’s feelings.”

Rabbi Daniel Grama MSW

Rabbi Yisroel Sufrin

Community Profile

The Clubhouse

they cannot support all of their needs on a con sistent daily basis. They also focus on specific age groups. Parents with special needs children needed help finding a program to serve all chil dren at once. At times, the costs associated with these programs would prevent children from at tending. In addition, transporting participants to and from available programs was challenging.

In 2020, Mrs. Sori Eisen, Founding Di rector of The Clubhouse, saw a need for daily re spite services for children with special needs and their families. The Clubhouse for Respite and In clusion offers year-round creative programming while offering respite for parents and families. Many participants attended only secular schools or programs, without any Jewish or Torah con tent. Other participants studied in Jewish Day Schools and Yeshivos but needed additional en richment opportunities for after-school hours. Some children and adults did not participate in any day programs or had graduated school, with no options to become a part of society or mingle with others of their age outside of their homes. In addition, the parents and families with chil dren or adults with these special needs found themselves without breathing room or respite. Some local organizations address the needs of these children and adults. However,

To address these challenges, The Club house began a unique encompassing program. Its mission is to offer maximum respite oppor tunities for parents and families with children of special needs, free of charge. The Clubhouse offers enriching and supportive programming for these children, providing much-needed re spite and advocacy for all. The participants also benefit from programs in a Torah environment, which provide them with a sense of belonging. In addition, through the volunteer program asso ciated with The Clubhouse, participants experi ence inclusion within the community.

The Clubhouse started in a small garage for five children. Within three years, we are cur rently serving over 80 participants. There are two locations, one for boys and one for girls. In addition, the Clubhouse provides transportation for most participants and offers dinner daily. Under the guidance of our Educational Direc tors and staff, the Clubhouse members engage in skills-based programming that includes To rah-infused programs with socialization oppor tunities. These programs are offered five times a week for the girls and three times a week for the boys and include programming on Bank Holi days and Erev Yom Tov or chol hamoed. In the words of one of the parents whose child has been participating since the inception of The Club

house, “I love knowing my son is always taken care of every Monday. That way, I can have a reading night with my other children every Mon day. It makes such a difference in our house.”

A unique goal of The Clubhouse is to create an atmosphere of inclusion. Over 200 student volunteers from various local schools and Yeshivos volunteer throughout the week to help build this sense of community and friend ship for the participants. As a result, everyone feels like an essential part of the Kehilla at The Clubhouse. “I love the community and feel like I am making a difference. I love having a connec tion with our Clubhouse members. We all get to see each other, and we become real friends,” said Leah from Valley Torah, one of our student volunteers.

Programming for the participants in cludes Wellness and Health, Dance, Music, Yoga, Athletics, Challah Baking, Art, Life skills, Tefillah, and Parsha Stories. Opportunities for parents to get together are also a large part of the program. The Clubhouse provides support groups, yoga groups, classes, and shiurim for parents. This year The Clubhouse has begun to offer limited vocational training and is looking forward to expanding this area of programming for older participants.

Parents who seek support for their chil dren or community members who wish to vol unteer and learn more about The Clubhouse’s mission and programs can reach out to info@ theclubhouse.care.

Success: A Participant Completes an Art Project Health and Wellness Home Economics

The Clubhouse van offers daily transportation

The Clubhouse Orchestra/Music Training Program

Challah Baking at The Clubhouse

BY T H E CLUBHOUSE

Who can resist the infectious smile of a special child? Their smiles are irresistible – and their joy irrepressible.

Welcome to The Clubhouse

OUR MISSION?

To add a spring in the step of special children, their families – and the whole community.

SUNDAYS. VACATION DAYS. AFTER SCHOOL. The Clubhouse was created to step in when these children and their families need a hand most, at no cost. It’s a win-win scenario where families can get a much-needed break, and the child gets the connection, enrichment, and love they so crave.

From The Alter Heim :

THE LIFE OF MR. AMROM DEUTSCH z”l

Mr. Amrom Deutsch, a true link to the past, taught others to appreciate every single day. He did this not through a mussar shmooze, but by personally modeling it on a daily basis. Mr. Deutsch took great nachas in all children, pointing out the beauty of the future generations so that everyone else could realize it too. His constant presence in shul in spired others to take Tefillah seriously. He served as a role model for appreciating life and making the most of every day.

From a Different Era

Amrom (Adolf) Deutsch was born on August 8, 1925 in the town of Sighet, Ro mania, which was then a part of Transylvania. During his childhood, the town of Sighet would change to be under the control of different countries due to its proximity to the border.

In 1939, Sighet came under Hungarian rule. The Deutsch parents spoke many lan guages in order to do business efficiently, while Amrom himself spoke nine different lan guages. Amrom was the 8th child out of 11. He could not remember all of his siblings growing up because many were in Yeshiva or out of the house, and he was only 9 years old when his oldest sister got married. He and his 3 younger siblings were the only children

remaining at home. Business was not going well for many Jews during this time, and food was hard to come by. Amron would help his mother grow vegetables in the house and gar den, and would search for food in other places. During his childhood, Amrom had various jobs, like cutting hair, breeding rabbits to sell for fur, or anything else that would bring him food or money for himself and his family.

In 1939, little Amrom was told he would not be going to school anymore as the school was being closed down. In those days, people living in small towns and villages had no communication with the outside world. The family continued to live a relatively normal life until 1944. A few days after Pesach, everyone was woken up by a lot of noise. It was announced that Germany now occupies the part of Hungary where he lives. From now on, he would not be allowed to leave home without wearing a yellow Jewish star to be identified as Jewish. Everyone had to register as Jewish. From 6pm - 6am, they would be under curfew and were forbidden to leave the house under any circumstances. Amram recounts that it was very hard to be locked in your own house and to be forced to wear a star on the front and back of your clothing anytime you left your house.

In those times before the war, people were so poor that the doors were left unlocked because there was nothing to steal. During 1944, the men of Sighet, ages 18-25, were re moved from the home to “join the military.” Seven days a week, they were woken up ear ly and made to climb up mountains to do hard labor. Mr. Deutsch recalls that these weren’t the worst of times because they received food and the guards were not too violent there.

Soon thereafter, everyone who was working on the mountain and all the remaining Jews living in town were transferred into the ghetto. After a short time in the ghetto, it

was liquidated and whoever was strong enough was transferred to work in another place. Many people were too sick and weak to even walk to the train station; youngsters had to hold up the older kids; younger kids needed to be carried. When the train came, they didn’t recognize it because it was a cattle car! After 3-4 days, without any air in the cattle car, people started dying, especially the young children. During his oral testimonials, Am rom said “I’ll never forget the mothers holding their dead children in their arms. People stopped crying because they had no more energy.”

When the train arrived in Auschwitz, Mr. Deutsch recalls that the noise was tre mendously loud, with people searching for their loved ones, screaming their names. The guards would say “If you don’t keep quiet, I’m going to beat you.” But It didn’t help. The only thing that helped is when a Nazi would shoot a gun in the air a few times. Men and women were separated into 2 lines. Mr. Deutsch recalls that “the smell of Auschwitz was so terrible, people were choking. We thought the cattle car stench was horrible, but this was worse.”

He received his new name, A3146 tattooed onto his arm, before he was transferred to Birkenau to work. He received clothing and a food bowl, and was told “that bowl is your life. You will get 3 meals a day if you keep your bowl. We would also use the bowl as a pillow in our beds.” Mr. Deutsch explained that “one would never undress, but in

stead stay in their pajamas 24/7, never taking their shoes off. People who didn’t listen were hanged, sometimes 4 people were left hanging at a time, for no apparent reason, other than be ing accused of looking at the Germans wrong.”

His job was to find sand, fill up contain ers, and then make parts for machinery every single day, without a break, without any water to drink, for 6 months straight. All they would

receive was a little watery soup 3 times a day. During this time, the factories were fre quently being bombed and they kept having to rebuild it. When the buildings were fully destroyed, there was no more work for the inmates. They then worried whether they were going to be killed because they were no longer useful. They were told they were going away, but no one knew where. This was the beginning of the death marches. Those who didn’t have any shoes walked in wooden shoes in the snow. Some people lost their legs to frostbite walking barefoot in the snow. According to his daughter Mindy, Mr. Deutsch was left for dead in the death march of January 1945.

When the men who survived the death march arrived in Bergen Belsen, they decid ed to hide among the dead bodies. In Buna, they were forced to do hard labor. Emuna and bitachon (belief and hope) carried them through, thinking to themselves “Tomorrow we are going to be here and we are going to survive.” Because he grew up in a very religious family, Mr. Deutsch had no doubt in his mind he would survive. Many people died or they committed suicide. It never even occurred to him to do that.

One day in the camps, his friend gave him his bowl of soup, as the friend had decid ed to commit suicide and knew that Mr. Deutsch would never give up.

After being forced into hard labor and then marching in the below-freezing snow,

“She remembers his most-often quoted line that ‘if you live a life, things happen.’”

those who came back to the camps had to remove the remaining dead bodies. They did whatever they could in order to survive. When he had no more energy left in him, Mr. Deutsch crawled into a barrack and lay down among the dead bodies.

Liberation

Upon liberation from the camps, Mr. Deutch was taken to a Catholic hospital for recovery. He was covered in lice and had to be soaked in water for a few days in a row to wash off the layer of dirt stuck on his body. The nurses gave him milk three times a day and he often slept for 24 hours. It took a while until he was able to regain his ability to walk, and then he had to leave the hospital and go to a Displaced Person’s camp. {“When I went outside, I saw the gypsies, who also survived the concentration camps. He barely had the strength to walk a couple of kilometers to the DP camp.

Part of a Community

Serving as the Gabbai of Beis Naftali, Mr. Deutsch was the one to open the shul every morning. Being the first one at davening was so important to Mr. Deutsch, and he encouraged others to do the same. He would enjoy walking to shul, which likely led to the long-term vitality for which he was known.

In his older age, someone once asked him: Are you going to be fasting this Yom Kippur? He said it was not hard for him because when he was younger, he often did not eat. His family would have one chicken for the entire family that was cooked l’kavod Shabbos and then served as leftovers during the week. Sometimes they would share that one chicken with Shabbos guests. That is why his family grew vegetables, and why he had to work so hard from a young age. Mr. Deutsch attributes, in large part, his ability to survive the camps to the fact that he was used to not having much to eat in his youth,

as well as the hard work he undertook to help provide for his family.

From there, Mr. Deutsch returned to Bergen Belsen where he found a cousin of his, Adjud. Once she recovered, they were the first couple to be married inside the camp by a British Rabbi in 1946. Mr. Deutsch later returned to Sighet to search for news of his family, discovering that eight of his siblings had miraculously survived. The Deutsch’s first daughter Mindy was born in Bergen Belsen in 1947, and the family emigrated to New York in 1949. He opened a bakery in 1951 first in NY and then when he moved to Los Angeles. In 1970, Amrom sold the bakery to build two retirement homes. He retired in 1990 and began serving as Gabbai of the Congregation Beis Naftali shul on La Brea.

Henchie Botnick, a close friend, remembers the connection she and her children shared with Mr. Deutsch. He attended her son’s Hachnasa Tefillin as an honorary grandparent when few could attend during the Covid pandem ic. When her husband and sons would Duchan as Cohanim, Mr. Deutsch would take great pride in watching the next generation of children carry on the torch of Yiddishkeit. During the pandemic, Henchie would often grocery shop for

Mr. Deutsch. When she noticed that he began asking her for only one item, she questioned him. He responded that everyone wanted to help, so he would divide up his grocery list, so everyone would get the mitzvah of helping.

In order to reciprocate, Mr. Deutsch would cook a large pot of compote every week, which he ate for breakfast and which he would share with the Botnick family. The com pote served as a form of connection that would keep bringing Henchie back, along with the offer of “you can bring the kids.” Henchie remembers “it wasn’t about the food, it was about the visits. It was about the Jewish nation continuing. Because he suffered and survived for that very reason…to continue on in the Jewish tradition.”

When it was time for Mr. Deutsch to move out of his home and into a facility, he had a positive perspective on the whole situation. He had a great mentality that the facil ity would have wonderful food and programming. Since he had worked so hard for food during his youth, he lived his life with a great sense of appreciation. He believed that there wasn’t much to kvetch about, since he had gone through many hardships in his life. He had a strong Bitachon that sustained him. His daughter Mindy recounted how her father believed that every day was a gift, and he truly lived and believed it. She remembers his most-often quoted line that “if you live a life, things happen.”

Story Teller for the World

Once he retired, Mr. Deutsch put a lot of his energy into sharing his and others’ stories from the Holocaust through his involvement with the Simon Wiesenthal Museum of Tolerance and the Holocaust Museum. Mr. Deutsch believed that the duty of the sur vivors is to tell the world what happened in 1944; to remember and for the world never to forget what happened. His motivation stemmed from the fact that “six million Jews died and the world doesn’t believe it happened. I lost my parents, grandparents, and siblings in Auschwitz. Everyone was lost on the night of their arrival.”

He also believed that “we can never live with hate. There is too much hate that I see in the world. We have a good world; we should live in peace. A survivor never gives up, there is hope tomorrow and the next day and another day to continue to do our work.”

Mr. Deutsch was a wonderful storyteller; he shared his own stories as well as those of other Survivors. His daughter Mindy believes that if he had received a formal educa tion, he would have been a professional storyteller, perhaps an author of sorts. He was very street-smart and had a special way of connecting with others.

The lasting impact Mr. Deutsch had on people was born from his message that we have nothing to complain about. His upbringing was challenging, and then he lived through the Holocaust. He inspired other people to get through hard times because he did too. In his own testimony, Mr. Deutsch states “How come I am still here today? Because I never gave up! I said to myself that I want to live.” His nephew remembers how Mr. Deutsch had never missed hearing a shofar. Even the year he was in the concentration camps, where he had no idea how or if he would be able to hear it, someone smuggled

in and blew a Shofar. This story exemplifies how Mr. Deutsch would look for signs of Chizuk given to him directly from Hashem. This was another sign to keep on living, and to keep on living with the mitzvos.

Beloved by his family, the local community, and by those he taught through the Simon Wiesenthal Center, Mr. Deutsch lived a life of gratitude and led by example. Fondly remembered as always reading by his table, he began reading books about the Holocaust at the age of 96, sharing his ideas with his daughter ‘Mindele.’ Last month, Mr. Amrom Deutch passed away at the age of 97. He leaves behind 2 children, 8 grandchil dren, and 20 great-grandchildren.

May his memory be for a blessing.

“Mr. Deutsch believed that the duty of the survivors is to tell the world what happened in 1944; to remember and for the world never to forget what happened. His motivation stemmed from the fact that “six million Jews died and the world doesn’t believe it happened.”

“In his own testimony, Mr. Deutsch states ‘How come I am still here today? Because I never gave up! I said to myself that I want to live.’”

One of the newer additions to the ka leidoscope of Jewish institutions dotting Pico Boulevard is the LINK Kollel. Its striking façade welcomes people of all backgrounds to a world of fascinating and intensive To rah study. Since relocating from Robertson Blvd. 18 months ago, LINK reports a huge upswing in its attendees for classes, Bais Medrash learning, and davening.

The Kollel was founded in September 2002 by Rabbi Asher Brander to operate out of the Westwood Kehillah while serving the entire community. “My vision was that the powerhouse of serious Bnei Torah learning at an advanced level for many hours a day would fuel their ability to transform Jewish lives – and I was not disappointed,” recalled Rabbi Brander. While it was originally fo cused on outreach to the not-yet observant, LINK found itself servicing many Jews who were already observant, the majori ty of whom were Baalei Teshuva and who lived primarily in the Pico-Robertson area. Thus, in the fall of 2011, the Kollel moved to a rented facility on Robertson Boulevard. When that building proved inadequate to handle the dozens of people coming daily to learn, LINK purchased two storefronts on Pico Boulevard near Bedford St. and turned them into a beautiful new edifice that opened in May 2021.

“We have people coming in to learn from 5:00 am to well-past midnight every day,” averred Rabbi Mordechai Lebhar, who has been the Rosh Kollel for more than 12 years. “What is truly remarkable is that the people come from manifold backgrounds –young and old, Ashkenazim and Sephardim - some have been learning their whole lives, others are very new to Yiddishkeit and Torah learning and an increasing number of them are Yeshiva High School graduates who have literally not picked up a Gemara in 20 years – but now cannot put it down,” continued Rabbi Lebhar. “It is a testament to the high quality and special character of the Kollel’s Avreichim that they are so successful in teaching and giving guidance to such a large spectrum of Jews,” concluded Rabbi Lebhar.

When one enters the LINK Beis Me drash on a random evening, one is struck by the melodious cacophony of many voices - arguing, debating, passionately teaching, and even singing a niggun as they wrestle on a sophisticated level with 3,000 years of Jewish learning. It is clear when viewing the faces of those who just spent an hour or two of learning with the Kollel Rabbis that they seem excited, uplifted, and inspired, if a little exhausted from the effort. Mr. Yitzy Katz, a local businessman who graduated 20 years ago from a local Yeshiva High School, is grateful for having met up with Rabbi Daniel Weinstock, one of the veteran LINK Rabbis. “Rabbi Weinstock has transformed my life. After a hiatus of many years, he has not only

gotten me back into learning, but I am ad dicted to it now. Torah learning informs all of my life decisions,” he exclaimed.

“Our Kollel Rabbis continue to de velop themselves as Talmidei Chachamim and as the future leaders of the Torah world, while still finding the time to learn with our many students,” declared Rabbi Lebhar. “They have taken semicha exams in many complicated areas of Shulchan Aruch, pre sented Chaburahs to their fellow Avreichim, and most impressively, have published sev eral volumes of incisive and often creative chiddushei Torah. In fact, the latest vol ume has just been published,” added Rabbi Lebhar. The Kollel Rabbis come from a cross-section of major Yeshivos and seem to have a knack to be able to relate to their stu dents, regardless of background.

LINK has several other major di visions, besides a full-service shul with many extra minyanim during the week. It runs many creative activities for children on Shabbos and Sundays, spearheaded by the dynamic Mrs. Dina Ram, and has a twice weekly “Torah Night” for boys from 5th through 8th grade. After learning with their chavrusas/fathers/Rebbeim, they then re ceive prizes and refreshments.

Under the LINK umbrella are three innovative programs for young adults. YPLA is a unique half-day yeshiva for young men 18-25 (who spend the rest of the day in college or at work). Directed by Rabbi Eli Heller, the students learn Gemara at a chal lenging level, while also receiving guidance and inspiration for real-life challenges. Two programs serve young women. Mrs. Sara Fisgus is the director of TLC, an outreach program addressed to young women ages 18-30 who are curious and open to learning more about how Torah Judaism can ennoble their lives. It features classes, special events, Shabbatonim, and weekly chavrusa learning with young observant women. Finally, the LINK Sem offers weekly classes and spe cial lectures for post-high school/seminary young women who are seeking serious, ad vanced Torah learning, as well as guidance in shaping their future lives.

“The common denominator in all that LINK does is to satisfy a genuine spiritual hunger in the Jewish community – not with placebos and feel-good superficialities but with serious Torah learning that has trans formed the lives of the Jewish people for the last 3300 years,” concludes Rabbi Brander.

Chanukah Gift Guide

The Art of Gift Giving

The art of great gift-giving may come naturally to some people. But for those who struggle with what to give, there is a gift philosophy that can be used: Giftology. Based on the book and company by the same name, author John Ruhlin has delighted clients with memorable gifts, using them to open doors, and build business relationships. He shares stories of how with strategic gift-giving, hard-to-reach CEOs made time to meet with him.

Many of these gift strategies can apply during this time of year when we are thinking about family, friends, or business associates. Giftology offers a different way of looking at gift-giving.

The Linen House

Cashmere Robes and Cashmere Sleep Socks

As the nights begin to turn cool in LA, get ready for luxurious lounging in this ankle-grazing robe (avail able in short and long lengths). Made from the same fine-quality Cashmere as our cult-favorite Sleep Socks, it’s the perfect layering piece to add warmth and extra softness to any of your sleepwear pieces. Make it per sonal with a monogram.

Home

Always a popular request, I would love to gift someone dear to me with a home-related gift but I’m not quite sure of their decor. Think out of the box, and gift an item that can truly be enjoyed in the comfort of their home rather than for the home like a gorgeous chocolate collection, tea assortment, and tea saucer with cover.

Luxury Towel Set

A simple design as we say is simply beautiful. When was the last time you refreshed your towel closet? One of the most well-received gifts years after year is a new luxurious set of towels. Make it personal with a monogram.

Designer Puzzles

A gift that will be enjoyed time and time again. Consider a designer puzzle as a coffee table accent. An array of designer puzzles have landed at The Linen House this season. The box itself is considered true artwork and will surely be discussed as you gather around with friends and family.

These beautiful wood boards can be used as stunning serving pieces for charcuterie, cheese, and crudites.

A Perfect Present The Mitzvah Store

Beautiful with modern details, these Babka Boxes are perfect for gifting and displaying delicious baked goods.

An elegant tabletop lucite shtender, perfect for learning at home.

If Candles Could Speak is a beautifully written and illustrated story of Chanu kah, that is both fun and educational. A Chanukah favorite that will be enjoyed year after year.

Light up your home or gift to someone special this Chanukah, with a beautiful and colorful metal menorah from Israel, created by Dorit Judaica.

Light up your Chanukah party with Pin the Flame on the Menorah. It’s a lot of fun and great for all ages. From kids to adults, everybody loves it.

“Personalization is what turns an ordinary gift into an extraordinary one.”

– John Ruhlin

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Chanukah Gift Guide 5783

Chabad Ataras

Musical Light Up Spinning Dreidel Add some color to the dreidel game with this musical LED light up spinning dreidel. Simply wind it up, press the button at the top and watch it spin in multiple colors while playing a Chanu kah themed tune.

Best of Kosher Iconic and New Recipes from your Favorite Cookbook Authors

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Hand-Painted Ceramic Nail Polish Menorah

Chanukah style comes alive with this “Nail Polish” Menorah! The bright, vibrant colors and creative presentation will capture the imagination of kids, teens and fun-loving adults everywhere!

Hand-Painted Resin Basketball

Menorah

Whether going for the “Slam Dunk” or the 3-point “Swish”, you’ll certain ly score with this detailed Basketball Menorah! Detailed artwork captures the imagination of fans of all ages for years of fun Chanukah memories.

Gifted Los Angeles Tesoro

Colour Code Stack it up, one tile at a time!

Colour Code uses 18 bold, colored shapes, each on a see-through tile. Pick a challenge, then stack a rack of tiles to recreate the exact composition presented by your challenge! A great introduction to colors, shapes, order, orientation, etc.

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Mind Block is an engaging 2-4 player family game using math and strategy.

Rummy with stacking blocks! Think ahead to gather your blocks into sets and runs, using the blocks already at play, and keeping in mind You can create new combinations by stacking them.

Say goodbye to crippling uncertainty forever as the owner of a genuine Jewish Wisdom Ball. This full-size ball contains 20 answers, including classics like “Bet ter you shouldn’t ask,” “You should be so lucky!” and “Feh.” It’s elegant in any setting, from the deli to the Mah Jongg parlor.

Lessons I Learned Along the Way

To Wear or Not to Wear: That is the Question

Mrs. Sheindy Gross

My mother had certain hard and fast rules when it came to tznius. These are the ones I remember clearly:

1. She did not want me to wear tops or dresses that had words across the chest area

2. She did not think wearing tex tured stockings or tights was refined

3. And that’s where it ended.

As long as whatever I wore fol lowed halacha, I was allowed to explore style and fashion and be creative. Some particular choices come to mind… and I cringe as I recall them…

In the summer before 9th grade began, I cut my hair super short. I remember the hairstylist convincing me with pride how much I am going to enjoy my new “step” hairdo. I don’t remember my mother’s exact reaction, but I don’t recall any negative undertones. Nor do I remember any misgivings about starting a brand new high school with such a stylish haircut and the possibility that it would project an image that would be unwelcome.

That same year maxi skirts were fashionable. An additional preferred component to this style was that the length of the skirt should fall below the soles of your shoes so you actually swept the streets of Brooklyn as you walked. (Yes, citizenship at its finest). To those who challenged my mother at my lack of modesty because I wanted to be “on trend,” she explained that when she was growing up on the lower East Side of Manhattan, she had been up against quite a few tznius challenges. Among them was the inability to find dresses that would cover her knees. She felt proud that as her daughter, I was able to find clothing I felt pretty in and that adhered to the Torah standards.

Two years later, when I was a junior in high school, it was all the rage to get my hair permed. I proudly went into a salon on 18th Avenue in the Boro Park section of Brooklyn and emerged looking like I had been plugged into an electric socket. My new haircut was so unmanageable that I was unable to style it until the permed hair had grown out. I walked around with unbrushed curls for many months and yet again, I remember no negative com ments from either of my parents.

it hilchos tznius for our girls or waking up for shachris for our boys, is to know that ultimately our children will “read ‘’ our intentions.

We truly want them to follow the Torah path for a myriad of reasons, but ulti mately because it will bring them a life of meaning and purpose. Therefore, I believe that this way of thinking should be reflected in our conversations with them. They will absorb the message that we are offering them a link to our treasured mesorah and will feel proud to be a valuable member of Am Yisroel.

It is normal for young children to be curious and for teenagers to struggle with self-identity. We must teach and create structure and boundaries for them, both in Hilchos Bein Adam Lamakom and Lachaveiro. And within those boundaries, we should leave room to allow them the freedom to make decisions we may find cringe-worthy.

I recognize that in articles such as these, we tend to oversimplify big ideas which can leave parents frustrated. I have attempted to present one thought with the recogni tion that there are so many other factors that need consideration. No single idea can be implemented as “copy and paste.” I also understand that I grew up in a simpler time. The 70s and 80s are no comparison to what parents are up against today. My suggestion is that we see our children as a pikadon; borrowed for a temporary amount of time. Give it your best shot by empowering them to serve Hashem with honesty and clarity, not loaded with anxiety about anything other than doing His will.

And wait until I share with you, dear reader, the scandalous music I was allowed to listen to… Stay tuned…

With over 30 years in education, Mrs. Sheindy Gross started her career teaching Judaic Studies in Yavneh Hebrew Academy, and then went on to high school leadership in Bnos Devorah and Valley Torah Girls High schools where she served as principal. Her passion for education has now led her to create a new platform called TEHILA, Torah Education with Heart in LA, for women and girls to receive adult education and advisement. The goal is to strengthen and empower women to develop their best selves through bonding over Torah learning and connecting with Jews of all ages. In addition to TEHILA, Mrs. Gross provides dating and relationship mentoring for teenagers, singles and women, as well as leadership consulting for educators. Mrs. Gross can be reached at sheindyg@gmail.com.

I marvel at my mother’s patience and her understanding of my need to explore. I recognize how much I learned regarding modesty and dignity. My mother gave me a direc tion, and a guidebook, and then I was able to use that as my road map as I shopped until I dropped with my friends. Until this very day, there are always nisyonos (challenges) in this arena and I feel blessed to have a frame of reference that makes me comfortable.

Upon reflection I realize that my siblings and I received a subliminal message while growing up; there was nothing we could do that would personally embarrass our parents. And if there was something of that nature, it was definitely not an outfit or a haircut. It was something far more important and related to chesed or middos.

I don’t recall my parents ever telling us not to be judgemental. They didn’t need to because they are not judgemental. What I do remember was my father defending un derprivileged non-Jewish members of society whenever the opportunity presented itself in family discussions. At the time I argued vehemently. As an adult, I completely see his perspective.

I remember that if I ever made a disparaging comment about a fellow Jew not being as religious as “us,” my mother explained the 3 specific mitzvos that if kept, the person is considered to be Orthodox. Through her eyes, I learned acceptance and tolerance not because of who she said I should be, but because she modeled it. She and my father inher ently have kavod habrios for all people and are particularly dedicated to any frum Jew in their orbit.

While you may think I digress and speak about tolerance when I began with the ability to give children and teenagers some space, I suspect they may have something in common.

I have always believed that our children come to understand our deepest values by what we emphasize the most. They “read” our standards not by what we say, but by what we never express. And so I wonder if the best way to teach shmiras hamitzvos, be

“I have always believed that our children come to understand our deepest values by what we emphasize the most. They “read” our standards not by what we say, but by what we never express.”

Step 1: Cut 8 pieces of duct tape by laying the sticky side of the tape face down on a table and giving a snip (not a wooden table).

Step 2: Pick up 1 piece of tape and lay it on the table, sticky side facing upward

Step 3: Take the 2nd piece of tape with the sticky side facing downward and stick 1/2 way onto your first piece.

Step 4: Fold over 1 of the sticky sides of the tape.

Step 5. Flip over the tape with the sticky piece facing upward

Step 6: Take a new piece of tape and cover only the sticky part.

Step 7: Flip over your project again where you can see the sticky piece and continue

adding

Step

Step

Step

Step

Step

THE YOUTUBE

My Day as a Burglar

Tani Heyman Age 10

(part 3 of 3)

I am the greatest robber of all time. There is not one robber that’s greater than me. I rob houses and people. I rob anybody or anything. I don’t care what it is I rob. I am the best robber. No one ever caught me.

Then one day I was robbing someone and all of a sudden the police showed up. It was the first time the police showed up. They took me to jail. My court case was the next day. They said I am going to be in jail until the end of my life. What I did to get out was I broke the floor with my bare hands and a piece of tile broke off. I pick up a tile from the floor and start digging with that piece of tile. I dug a hole for the next 3 years. I close the tile every day and by nighttime, I open it. Every morning I close it and every evening I open it. No one found out what I was doing. When I was finished, I jumped in the hole and went along the sewer system. When I was starting to get tired I dug on top of me, climbed up, and I saw that I was in the middle of the forest. I climbed out and ran to the nearest city.

I robbed more people and more stores and banks. I became rich. Then one day I heard a knock on my door. The people outside said, “open up, it’s the police, we’re here to arrest you.” I was prepared for things like this. I quickly put on a mask and a suit. I open the door and I say “why are you arresting me?” They pull off my mask and they arrest me. They take me to court and they say I’m going to be hanged the next day. I beg the guard to help me escape. I prom ise him I will turn into a good guy. The guard says he’ll help me get out but only if I don’t tell anyone how I got out. He helped me escape and as I promised him I went to my parents’ house and turned good. THE END.

Mushky Yiftach

believes that creativity and connection are 2 really important things to take with you throughout life. Crafts build confidence, teach problem solving, and encourages “Out of the box” thinking. She currently teaches 3rd grade in Bais Chaya Mushka LA and is an adjunct professor at Sara Schenirer College. You can check out more awesome projects on her YouTube channel, onarollcrafts, or follow her on instagram @onarollcrafts

Step by step crafts that helps

youtube/On a roll crafts

Parshas Vayetzei

Bracha Levine

After Yaakov received the blessings from Yitzchak, when he tricked Esav into getting them, Yaakov feared for his life. So he ran away from his home, and that is where he met Rachel. Rachel was getting water for her sheep, and Yaakov rolled off the stone from on top of the well when no one else would. When someone asks us to do something, and we do it, then we are be ing kind. But when we can think of what the other person needs before they can ask for it, then this is a higher level of kindness. This is a great act.

This act of Chesed is what makes Yaakov different than the other people who were nearby, and it also started Yaakov and Rachel’s relationship, which later is the ba sis of all of the 12 Shvatim and for all of Klal Yisroel. The foundation of the Jewish nation is built on kindness, and on going above and beyond what is asked.

Yaakov decides to stay there and work in order to one day marry Rachel. He worked for 7 long years, but the Pasuk says

Junior

Cinnamon Palmiers

These palmiers look fancy, but they are actually a quick and easy Shabbos dessert! They are so good straight out of the oven that they will probably all be eaten before dessert. They look so professional that people will think you got them from a bakery.

Ingredients

½ cup of sugar

2 teaspoons of cinnamon 1 sheet of puff pastry

Directions:

Defrost puff pastry for 2 hours on the counter or overnight in the fridge.

Equipment: Parchment paper, 1 baking sheet, knife

Directions:

1. In a small bowl, mix together the cinnamon and sugar.

2. Sprinkle about half of the cinnamon sugar mixture onto a piece of parchment paper.

3. Place the puff pastry on top of the parchment paper and then spread the rest of the mixture on top of the puff pastry.

4. Take both sides of the puff pastry and roll them towards the middle. It should look like a mini Torah. Next, move everything onto a baking sheet and refrigerate for about 30 minutes.

5. While everything is in the fridge, preheat the oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.

6. After a half hour of being in the fridge, take the palmiers out and slice them into quarter-inch strips. Lay the strips out onto a baking sheet with parchment paper on it, and put them in the oven for 8 minutes. After 8 minutes take them out and flip the palmiers with a fork, and put them back in the oven for another 10 minutes.

7. After 10 minutes take the palmiers out of the oven and serve.

Enjoy!

Childhood Obesity

As an educator as well as a profes sional in the health and fitness industry, it was inevitable that two seemingly different worlds would merge. I am often approached by parents of my students, asking me for my input to help them better guide their children in the realm of nutrition. One question that of ten comes up is, “my child is struggling with her weight, how can I help him/her?” My first response is, “NEVER point this out to them.”

This is a topic that is near and dear to my heart because aside from being a teacher, I am also a mother. The more I learn about the psychology behind building a healthy life style, the more I realize there is so much that parents and teachers can learn, which can help us raise an emotionally and physically healthy generation.

Discussing nutrition and weight-relat ed subjects with children is a sensitive topic.

terrible cycle of feeling a loss of control around certain delectable foods and then punishing oneself for enjoying them. This is a cycle I am far too familiar with, from the conversations I have had with countless adults still healing from their childhood traumas associated with food. These are often caused by adults who love them and only have their best interests at heart!

It is disturbing and frustrating to be told that in trying to help our children with their weight management, we may actually be hurting them. What can we do then, when we are clearly facing an uphill battle against child hood obesity - or obesity overall - in today’s America? How can we help our children with out actually causing more harm than good? There has to be an approach that can guide our children in a healthy, nurturing way.

This article will primarily focus on our respon sibility as charismatic adults in our children’s lives, and the impact our ideas of ourselves and them can have on their physical and emotional development.

The number one rule is: Never. Tell. Your. Child. They. Are. Fat.

I cannot emphasize this enough. A study was done in Australia, examining weight change in 3,557 children from the ages of 4-13 years old. The study analyzed the association between a child’s weight gain and their par ents’ perceptions of their size. This was not based on the child actually being overweight, but rather completely based on the parents’ perception. The results were shocking.

“Children whose parents perceived their weight as being ‘overweight’, as opposed to ‘about the right weight,’ gained more weight from baseline to follow up in all analyses. This finding did not depend on the actual weight of the child; the association between perceiv ing one’s child as being overweight and fu ture weight gain was similar among children whose parents accurately and inaccurately believed their child was overweight.” (PMID: 27244811)

A study was done that illustrated how children who were labeled as “fat” at the age of 10 were more likely to be obese at age 19. The negative psychological effects of weight stigma can begin at such a tender age.

The way we perceive our children and the words we use around them has a tremen dous impact on them. Just feeling their parent’s critique of their appearance can be enough to make children struggle with self-regulation. Being judged for one’s body size is strongly associated with disordered eating or coping re sponses such as overeating, closet eating, bing ing, etc. Knowing they are being scrutinized for their weight, the way they are eating, and the food choices they are making can cause children to begin binging in private. This also manifests as developing a negative relation ship with foods and feeling guilty when eating something that is “off limits.” Thus begins that

For starters, let us begin looking at our children - and ourselves for that matter - as more than just what we see on the surface. By making a conscious effort to build our children from the inside out, we can create children who have healthy self-esteem and self-worth, based on inner wealth as opposed to appear ances. What does this look like? Notice their strengths and qualities. Are they compas sionate? Are they thoughtful? Responsible? Giving? Reliable? Give them opportunities to shine in ways that enhance their character traits - and point them out. Conversations around children should not revolve around how “thin” or “fat” we feel. They are observing and ab sorbing these messages, and they can pick up on what we emphasize.

The conversation about balanced and healthy nutrition should be about nurturing this incredible vessel that houses our Neshama for our time here on earth. We have a responsibili ty to take care of this remarkable gift as long as we have it. Our bodies are so brilliantly creat ed and multi-faceted, and we have only tapped into the surface of our potential as humans. “Venishmartem Me’od es Nafshoseichem,” - we have an obligation to take care of our bodies. This includes eating enough to sustain ourselves, while not punishing ourselves for enjoying Shabbos and Yom Tov! Balance is ev erything. By making that a shift in perspective and no longer making it about size and how we look, we can alleviate that pressure that we place on ourselves and the conversation that is being had around our children.

But this is just the first step. There is so much more to say on this topic, so stay tuned!

I plan on diving into this discussion over the next few weeks. Please feel free to share your questions regarding this delicate topic with the editor and I hope to address them as well as I can!

Sarah Kamornick is an educator for 20 years and has em barked into the realm of women’s health and fitness, spe cializing in strength training as well as nutrition coaching.

“By making a conscious effort to build our children from the inside out, we can create children who have healthy self-esteem and self-worth, based on inner wealth as opposed to appearances. What does this look like? Notice their strengths and qualities.”

Sarah Tzivia Karmonick

Judgment Day

Wisd m for W men

in me that had to be reckoned with. It was I who needed the Reckoning, not they.

What I found was a profound lack of com passion.

Now I had a new job; to discover compas sion. Where does one unearth feelings for others? This new mission felt hopeless. How to fan the flames of compassion if the embers have burned low long ago?

What is interesting is that it actually takes a lot of confidence to be able to put yourself aside, see someone else and their differences, and not feel threatened by them. It takes a lot of G-dly perspective to not get bogged down by our own views.

It is at this juncture that I always mentally refer to Rosh Hashana 16b:

I always imagined the end of that sen tence being... “and because you will never stand in his place, don’t judge!”

Easier said than done.

Well, what makes us judge anyway?

Perhaps, before we get to the incentive, we may want to look at what actually happens. First comes the seeing. I see something, I make note of it, and then I make conclusions.

I see a child run from her mother to the playground. The mother does not follow nor does she watch her child at play. BANG goes the gavel. What kind of mother doesn’t care for her child’s safety?

My student always has such junky snacks. Clearly, this mother is too lazy to invest in healthier options. BANG! My mental guillo tine doles out justice.

A woman is on the phone at the checkout line. She is being so rude to the cashier! BANG BANG BANG. Gavel and guillotine work as one!

Apparently, I am very good at noticing what everyone else is doing wrong. Now, you ask, what business is it of mine to even be look ing at them?

“Mind your own business!” you say.

“I was!” I reply, “Until her negligence/ laziness/rudeness was so glaringly placed in front of me that I could not look away!”

Groannnnn.

There was something wrong with that perspective and it took me a long time to put my finger on it. And then, one day, it came to me... it was the word, “correctly.” The word connotes that the way she is parenting/talking is improper and the way I parent/talk is more correct. That is pretty narrow-minded. Is there only one way to take a child to the park? Is there never a time when you can be on the phone in public?

I guess at a certain point in my life, I found myself in a judgemental place too often to look away. I had to face it. So I sought counsel from the wise. I asked one older woman how she be came nonjudgmental and I will never forget her response: “Isn’t it interesting how judgment and compassion are the flip sides of the same coin?” Oomph! That hit me in the gut. I had always thought of myself as a compassionate person. I mean, I thought I cared about others! But, I ar gued with myself, if I was experiencing judgment towards others that meant there was a deep lack

Interestingly enough, the question itself was the answer. This experience was tremen dously humbling and it turns out that humility is the answer to so many of our problems. It was astounding how everything fell into place.

Because that is exactly what compassion is. A bit of humility. It is creating space for an OTHER. Outside of yourself. Seeing the other person. Not within the context of your own ex perience, but instead seeing their situation within the context of their own experience. Compassion is not empathy (although that might be a byprod uct), and it is not pity (that would be awful). It is the ability to put my personal perspective aside and see another’s. It doesn’t mean I have to get in their head and try to figure out what they are thinking; it just means allowing them space to have an opinion! Or to somehow be different from me!

“And Rabbi Yitzchak said: A man is judged only according to his deeds at the time of his judgment, and not according to his future deeds, as it is stated with regard to Yishmael; “For God has heard the voice of the lad where he is’’ (Beraishis 21:17). Although Yishmael and his descendants would be wicked in the future, his prayer was answered because he was innocent at the time.”

G-d, the Ultimate Judge, who sees both past, present, and future as one, chose to save a child who would one day be the ancestor of mil lions who sought to harm His children. And yet, at that moment, still only judged the child for what he was. A child.

I think I could have a little humility at the park, perhaps I could extend a smidgen of gener osity to the mom who packs lunch, and maybe I can focus on my own checkout line.

I certainly don’t need to be the one to hold the gavel.

Hindi is a certified Relationshift Coach based in Los Angeles. She is passionate about relationships and selfgrowth. She educates women on the Torah’s perspective of marriage at her workshops and retreats and helps women around the world through her coaching program. Hindi lives with her husband and four children in Los Angeles. You can find her at createrelationshift.com.

“What is interesting is that it actually takes a lot of confidence to be able to put yourself aside, see someone else and their differences, and not feel threatened by them.”

Hindi Kalmenson

Dear Dini,

The past six to eight months have been very stressful, as my marriage seems to be on shaky ground. My husband and I are fighting all the time. It starts with mean ingless arguments and then escalates to more important issues that we can’t seem to get on the same page. I was thinking of going to a therapist together with my husband, but when I was about to reach out and make the appointment, I wondered should I be going alone first? I have heard two different sides to this. Some people say go to couple’s counseling and others say go alone to a therapist first. I was wondering what your opinion was.

Sincerely, Distressed

Dear Distressed,

To begin with I am sorry for the position you and your husband are in right now. I know this can be difficult, and I am happy you chose to reach out and ask an important question. Thank you for being brave and vulnerable in the hopes of a better relationship in your marriage.

I believe in therapy, for so many reasons. The most important thing is that you are willing to learn about yourself, or in this case also maybe about your spouse. It means that you are willing to find a way to communicate that is beneficial for both you and your spouse. Anytime someone is willing it gives hope for a better tomorrow. The adage “If there is a will there’s a way” comes to mind here because so many people who find themselves in your situation are NOT willing to

“What I have learned from health coaches, and others’ advice is this, the process of going to sleep actually starts when you wake up.”

seek help, and perhaps that is what leads to de mise.

As a coach who works with individuals and couples, I have sent some of my clients to a therapist while I am working with them. The reason being is that one of the main differences between a Coach versus a Clinical Psychologist is the direction in which one needs to start with. Some people can start with what isn’t working to day and how we fix it going forward with real at tainable behavioral changes, while others need to go backward first to figure out how it is that they got to this point. I mention this as a springboard to answer your question.

I have seen success in both situations. Here is how I see both as viable options. There is no harm in seeing a therapist yourself first. Perhaps it will give you some free space to air out what is on your mind in a safe environment. I strong ly suggest that you share that with your spouse. There is no shame, nor should there be any issues, with you telling your spouse something to the ef fect of “I am not sure what’s going on, but I want to see a therapist. Something here isn’t working for now and I need help.” At that point you have two choices: you can either suggest if he wants to join you and you can make an appointment for the both of you, or say something that resembles “I want to go alone first to try to figure out myself.”

Let me explain why I am giving you these options. Two people are in a marriage, which means two people are responsible for the mar riage. It could be that when you see the therapist and detail what is going wrong from your per spective, he or she may work with you on what your participation is within the whole picture. Whether that means your past, where you come from, or who you are today. If you are the one alone sitting with a therapist (a good one), I have no doubt they will work with you on what you brought into this marriage, and how it affects it. I can warn you now, it isn’t always easy to hear, but

it is mind-altering to find out what part we play and how that can either be good or needs fixing. It could only help you if you are willing to hear it, and eventually, process it.

If you choose to go with your spouse from the beginning, there is an advantage to that as well. A good therapist will hear both of you and work on both your past and present experiences and probably give you weekly exercises to work on as a couple. For the therapy to be effective, you have to be willing to be real, vulnerable, and honest, all in front of your spouse, as well as him in front of you. Sometimes that is more difficult for couples, and that’s where I draw the line be tween going with your spouse or not.

Therapy is a gift, a real lifeline for some one struggling. If your spouse won’t go, or if he goes and can’t seem to utilize the therapeutic pro cess, I wouldn’t want you to throw the whole idea away and not go at all. Many times, women come to me and tell me their husbands will not go. Per haps they didn’t grow up with the idea of therapy and they believe it’s nonsense. My response is, so go yourself. I say this because learning about yourself is an incredible journey, and believe it or not, it can help save your marriage. Remem ber what they tell us in the safety check on an airplane - we need to put our own mask on first before we assist others.

I want to remind you of Rivka Imeinu when she faced a pregnancy that seemed off. She thought there was one baby in her womb who was confused, kicking in her womb at different times,

Compassionate Hospice Care

once when she passed a place of learning while the other time kicking when she passed a place of idol worship. Rivka was married to Yitzchok who was the likes of a Gadol Hador. Why didn’t she seek his counsel at this juncture? The Netziv tells us that Rivka felt a distance between her and her husband, and she blamed herself that maybe she carried bad genes. This blocked her from com municating with him and needed to seek outside counsel from Sheim. The real answer is within you, as you only know who you are married to and if he would entertain the idea of getting help. Either way, getting help is a win-win.

Adina (Dini) Gres is a wife, mother of 4 adult daughters, business owner, writer, speaker, and certified life coach. Through her role as owner of Financial Concierge LLC and coach for personal and financial clients, Adina recog nizes that trying to get ahead without managing a healthy mentality is the primary reason blocking individuals from success. Through working with her clients, whether that be in business or lifestyle, she is able to help them understand how they themselves can change the narrative of their lives. You can hear more from Adina by listening to her podcast titled “Things I think you should know.” Adina also shares on her Instagram page @financialconcierge.

Dini Gres

For submissions to the “Dear Dini” column, please send your questions to editor@thelajewishhome.com

Parent Parent 2

My 10-year-old was in the bathroom for 45 minutes and I could not find the family iPad. Later that night I found the iPad under the rug in the bathroom. I checked my phone and the iPad was in use during the 45 minutes that she was in the bathroom. The rest of the family was accounted for.

was watching shows that she is al lowed to watch. But our house rule is that the

watch on weekends.

Dear Mom, Lying and sneaking is one of the highest tension points for parents. It is bad, no question about that, but I will teach you the method to deal with lying which will Be”H take away the tension around this undesirable habit that can lead to an unbecoming personality trait. This response is only in a scenario where you are 100% certain that the child did the action. This is a very im portant point. You cannot be 99% sure. You cannot base it on previous bad behavior or just because “I know my kid.” Wrongly accusing a child is very painful for him or her and definitely not what we are aiming for.

Once you are 100% sure that your child

As a parent, we would then be forced to acknowledge the fact that they did tell the truth and compliment them on this impres sive feat. If the goal of the parent was to teach the child not to sneak and take the family iPad, then we did not accomplish our goal because the child is being praised (rightfully so!), maybe even rewarded, for telling the truth. The end result is not exact ly the goal we had in mind.

Option 2: Most commonly the child’s an swer will be one of denial. This “lie” is not a premeditated lie. It is merely a reflex of self-defense. It is human nature to try to protect oneself. This is the child protecting himself. He knows logically what he did, but the knee-jerk reaction to any confronta tion is self-defense. Adults do it as well. In

The child will probably try “self-defense” at this point again. “No, I didn’t!” But just put those aside and don’t bring up the fact that they are “lying.” Because remember it’s not a “lie,” but rather self-defense, and that is not the focus. You continue to be firm with your punishment while ignor ing the child’s insistence that it was not her. Again this is only in a case where you were 100% certain. Not 99%.

For the punishment, make sure the quality is very strong because at the end of the day they did sneak, which is an ugly form of lying that we do not like to see.

As a side note, I would suggest imple menting a technical success component. Make sure all of your technology is locked

with a code that your children don’t know. That way your children won’t be able to get into the family iPad, your cell phone, or any other device that is off-limits. Next week I will discuss the second fac et of this question - making sure your home environment promotes truth and not sneaking.

Hatzlacha!

Chani Heyman is a parenting coach who has been giv ing parenting classes, based on the teaching of Reb betzin Spetner, for over 9 years to hundreds of mothers across the US. You can reach her at chaniheyman@ gmail.com

did something wrong, in this case watching on the iPad without permission, then you can take action. Parents commonly make the mistake of questioning the child; “Were you watching on the iPad last night?” This is a very common trap that parents easily fall into.

Why is this wrong?

In this scenario, the child has two options. The first option is, to tell the truth, and the second option is for the child to lie. Let’s explore both answers and see why both op tions are lose-lose for the parents.

Option 1: The child would confess and tell the truth. If your child gathers the courage and tells the truth, that is very impressive!

this option, the parents usually get so hung up on the fact that now the child is lying for a second time that that becomes the focus of reprimanding instead of the bad action. We want to address the real problem of sneak ing the iPad, not getting distracted with a natural reflex of self-defense.

So you cannot confront your child with a question. What to do instead?

Solution: just go straight for the conse quence or punishment. Let the child know that you are aware that they disobeyed, and then punish them. It would look something like this. “I know that you were watching on the iPad, now you will need to be pun ished.” Clean, precise, and to the point.

“Parents commonly make the mistake of questioning the child; “Were you watching on the iPad last night?” This is a very common trap that parents easily fall into.”

She

kids can only

So she was not allowed to be watching on that day. How do I go about punishing her for sneaking and watching when she is not allowed to?

Chani Heyman

Midlife Mu ical Musings

Different Strokes for Different Folks

Miriam Hendeles

what does not. We get to a certain age in life (midlife, hello!) and we prioritize what and where we will expend our energies. Carpool obligations, PTA meetings, Sundays at the park, and nightly homework are relics of the past. Now we get to do what we love to do.

In the age of influencers online and in the media, it’s easy to respond “yes” to every opportunity that comes our way. But saying “yes” to one thing means saying “no” to an other. As much as we wish we could multitask, we really cannot. We cannot be in two places at one time, and invariably someone will be upset. We can’t please everyone and that’s the reality.

Recently, I found myself giving a whole long reason to someone about why I couldn’t participate in an activity. While I don’t regret explaining my rationale, because that person was a good friend and I felt an explanation was in order, I think next time I’ll hesitate before rambling on about all the things I’m busy with. “No” is a complete sentence. I do admit that I’m a big explainer, but I’ve learned to say no (with explanation) and move on.

KOSHER RIVER CRUISES

This idea of how everyone is distinc tive rings true in my own life when I identify what works for me and what doesn’t work for

Chazal tell us “Keshem shepartzufei hem shonos, kachdey-usai hem shonos.” Just as our faces are different, so too our opinions are different. Our needs are different and we are all unique. If we say yes to everything, we lose ourselves in the process and have no time for the things we are meant to do. Ask for what we need, be true to ourselves, and the days will be smooth and less choppy. Deny your opin ions, feelings, and truth, and go with the flow of every other request that comes your way, and you might get pretty dizzy and stressed. If that means unsubscribing from an email to the car insurance company trying to get your busi ness, or letting the phone number you don’t recognize go to voicemail, then so be it.

As we go about our lives singing songs, making music, and bringing joy to ourselves and others, let’s not forget that each one of us has a different rhythm and tempo. Life comes with obligations and choices, and as adults, it is up to each one of us to assess our own life’s situation and move forward intentionally, without succumbing to every jazzy or popular request out there. Because some people like to choose their own music.

One of our goals in life is to know our selves and to identify what works for us and

Miriam Hendeles, M.A., MT-BC is a music therapist for hospice patients and a writer for Binah Magazine and other publications. She’s the author of “Mazel Tov! It’s a Bubby!” and “Best Foot Forward. One of her passions is advocating for frum women in midlife through a recently launched website of JWOW! or www.jewishwomenofwis dom.org where frum midlife women connect, communicate, and grow through online and virtual interaction.

Improving Communication Communication Repairing Trust Repairing Trust Conflict Resolution Skills Conflict Resolution Skills Overcoming an Affair or Infidelity Overcoming an Affair or Infidelity Improving Physical Intimacy & Enjoyment Improving Physical Intimacy & Enjoyment Discussing Co Parenting Discussing Co Parenting Eilat Nahum Eilat Nahum Certified Family & Marriage Counselor Certified Family & Marriage Counselor W i t h 3 5 Y e a r s E x p e r i e n c e i n E d u c a t i o n W i t h 3 5 Y e a s E x p e r i e n c e i n E d u c a t i o n 310 309 0405 310 309 0405 eilatcounseling@gmail.com eilatcounseling@gmail com B " H B " H

WORLD'S FIRST ALL KOSHER MEGA YACHT PANAMA

& COSTA

me. So sometimes I have to say no to requests from other people. As a people pleaser, I don’t like to say no. This one asked me to do a partic ular chesed, and another asked me to do some thing else. As much as I love doing chesed, I was bursting with overwhelmed at the time but didn’t want to be rude. All I had to do was say “no,” but somehow the guilt remained. More recently, I’ve been better at letting the guilt go because I’m understanding the fact that to each their own.