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Vol 9 Issue 4 * NOVEMBER 2011
EXCLUSIVE!!
UNTOUCHABLE!
BEARS APPOINT ANGELO GM FOR LIFE PENN STATE UPDATE
CUTLER MAINTAINS SMILE FOR 5 MINUTES ONCE-SURLY QUARTERBACK NOW APPARENTLY WORLD’S NICEST GUY
NOW IN BIG TEN’S SCUMBAGS DIV. RODGERS UPDATE
PACKERS QB STILL REALLY GOOD BUT A TOTAL PRICK
FORTE JUST ISN’T DOING ENOUGH, GETS NEW DUTIES
Bears ask RB to play defense, wash Angelo’s car, fix Halas Hall plumbing
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espite carrying nearly 50 percent of the offense, Bears running back Matt Forte could be doing more for the team, says GM Jerry Angelo. “Look, we’ve all seen the second floor bathroom at Halas Hall,” said Angelo. “For such a ‘valuable’ guy, he sure doesn’t seem too interested in helping out his teammates by fixing the damn toilet.” Forte has also been called upon to wash Angelo’s car. “It’s all part of the contract negotiation process,” said Angelo. “I mean, let’s see
how shiny the rims are before we decide just how dedicated Matt is to this franchise.” According to teammates, Forte has not complained about his new duties, but has voiced concern that the Bears might be taking advantage of him. “I don’t know ... I mean, I talked to Chris Johnson and he said he never even had to change a light bulb,” said Forte. “Anyway, I should probably get back to practice since I have to learn how to play safety and defensive end while also helping Lovie [Smith] manage the timeouts every game.”
Forte Fumbles Twice AGAINST EAGLES to Lower Contract Demands to Frank Gore Level
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ntering week nine, Matt Forte led the NFL in yards from scrimmage. Initially, this would bode well for his case on a new contract. However, with the ball in the Bears’ court, they haven't budged on what they're willing to offer, and have the use of the franchise tag in their pocket. What was Forte to do? His numbers reflect that of an elite player who commands an elite salary. “I figured I'd have to make a few mistakes,” said Forte. “So I can demand less money but still get a raise.” The approach was simple: Keep racking up the yards but sprinkle in the occasional fumble. “I actually forgot we were that deep in our own zone,” Forte said while watching game film of
his first fumble against the Eagles. “Otherwise right there I probably would have tried harder to hold onto the ball.” Forte has outperformed Frank Gore, Chris Johnson and D'Angelo Williams, whom all earned hefty contracts this offseason. With no new contract in sight, he's now decided that playing down to their level at times during each remaining game will get him closer to striking a deal. Although this might be deemed controversial, Forte isn't going to be laying an egg or decreasing his effort. He's simply going to put in more Frank Gore-esque performances and fumble occasionally. “Not dogging Frank Gore, he's a top running back,” praised Forte. “But the dude's 28, can't catch the ball out of the backfield like I can, and he fumbles, but he clearly he did something right to get his contract.”
MARTZ’S HEADSET PLAYS NOTHING BUT AIR SUPPLY! Quarterbacks coach says Martz jams out to ‘All Out of Love’ during games
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hocking news out of Halas Hall: The Bears problem with calling in plays during the play clock is due to Mike Martz’s his undying love for Australia’s soft rock kings Air Supply, which is what he plays in his headset during games. “We’ve tried to get him to only listen to music when we’re on defense,” said quarterbacks coach Shane Day. “But he doesn’t listen, he just pumps up 'All Out
of Love' and won’t give us a play till the song is over. This week Martz refused to admit he was listening to Air Supply during games, but his love for the group was thinly veiled. “No, no, no. I always stay on task," said Martz. "But if you’re implying that Air Supply isn’t the greatest duo of all time then you know less about music than Caleb Hanie knows about offense.”
LOVIE’S TEACHER: HE GAVE UP TIMEOUTS IN KINDERGARTEN TOO!
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ears head coach Lovie Smith’s frivolous use of timeouts may be shocking to analysts and fans, but one person isn’t at all surprised: Margie Burak, Smith’s kindergarten teacher at Big Sandy Elementary.
for the silliest reasons. For example, instead of going to the bathroom when he had to pee, he would use a timeout first and decide if he really wanted to go. Burak also had to put a limit on how many times Lovie could scold himself.
“He was the only kid I ever had that sent himself to the corner for timeouts,” said Burak. “It’s like he was obsessed. A very nice boy … but not the brightest student.”
“I told him, ‘Lovie, you need to pace yourself or you’ll use all your timeouts before lunch,’” said Burak. “He didn’t quite get it, though. The concept of managing timeouts still seems to elude him, unfortunately. It’s not surprising since he never mastered how to tell time…”
According to Burak, little Lovie would use timeouts
WHILE IN LONDON, GOULD DEFECTS FROM BEARS TO JOIN MANCHESTER UNITED
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ew would consider an annual base salary of $1.65 million to be paltry and Bears kicker Robbie Gould wasn't complaining until English Premier League giants Manchester United came knocking. An offer was made to kick soccer balls and perhaps run a little more than what Gould is used to on an NFL field. That offer stood at 5 million British pounds per season, which the Penn State alum gladly accepted.
Wayne Rooney. I can't say no to that. He was awesome in ‘Ferris Bueller.’”
When asked about how he can possibly make the transition from an elite NFL kicker to a soccer forward, Gould said it would be easy.
The Bears are now without their leading scorer and special teams ace. GM Jerry Angelo has wasted little time in searching for Gould's replacement. Looking to find a familiar face, he contacted the agent of former Bear Paul Edinger to check on his availability, only to be told Edinger is under contract with a professional Cricket team in London.
“I have no doubt in my abilities to boot a ball around,” said Gould. “Sir Alex Ferguson, the Manchester United manager, even told me I have what it takes to be the next
This comes after fellow EPL rivals Liverpool also made a bid for Gould. That deal was shot down after rumors surfaced of Liverpool and Boston Red Sox owner John Henry wanting to eventually sway Gould to take the closer role in the Red Sox bullpen.
bullied 10-year-old hires carcillo as personal enforcer ‘Carbomb’ and Johnny are inseparable, family says
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aniel Carcillo likes to hit things. This is what little Johnny Krstulovich noticed as he watched the player nicknamed “Carbomb” explode through the first few Blackhawks games of the season. One well-connected father and a couple of phone calls later, and Carcillo was at a Lake Forest bus stop, clearing space for the fifth-grader. “Those big sixth-graders kept pushing me, taking my lunch money and saying they’d beat me up,” said Krstulovich. “But since Daniel’s been here they haven’t
eaten lunch for like five days because he checks them out of the line. Now all they do is sleep at their desks.” Making the deal sweeter is the fact that Carcillo and Johnny have a few favorite activities in common: yelling random curse words, then giggling, throwing toads at girls and freeze-tag. Aside from a time-out or two for roughhousing, the pair has managed to raise an appropriate amount of ruckus without drawing suspensions or docks in allowance.
Krstulovich had also given a trial-run to Hawks’ largeman John Scott, but with nearly a four-foot height difference, the enforcer was having trouble hearing the youngster’s orders. New Hawk Carcillo has since proven a perfect fit. “Funny thing is, Daniel didn’t ever request actual money,” said Marc Krstulovich, Johnny’s dad. “We just feed him the occasional meal and he keeps going at wherever Johnny points him.”
John Scott almost skates Across Rink without falling
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n a recent game against the Bruins, Blackhawks defenseman John Scott skated the length of the rink without getting into a fight. Not coincidentally, he also fell, short of the Bruins net.
“John almost made it to the other end of the ice without falling,” coach Joel Quenneville said. “If he had picked a fight with [Shawn] Thornton at center ice, he would have regained his balance like he usually does and made it all the way.” “It’s no secret ‘Murdersaurus’ has to lean on someone on the ice to keep from falling,” said Patrick Kane. “He
always calls Sharpie ‘pretty boy’ during practice just so Patrick will skate over to him and get in his face.” Hawks head athletic trainer Mike Gapski said that although he's a poor skater, Scott’s hockey fighting skills are proportionately enhanced. “Remember that movie about the bed wetter who ran home from school every day to grab his sheets off the clothesline before anyone else could see them, and ended up running the four-minute mile?” Gapski said. “As an enforcer in the NHL, John Scott, too, is motivated by embarrassment, like that guy.”
PARTYBOY Kane goes straight home after game
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n unprecedented scenario played out behind the scenes after the Blackhawks recent loss to the Boston Bruins: Patrick Kane went straight home.
It is uncertain what triggered such a radical turn of events, but many who see Kane frequently were troubled by his change in what has become a post game tradition. “We closed early. Maybe 12,” said Angels and Kings VIP manager Victor Cantonne. “We knew we were gonna be in the red when he wasn't here by 11:45 because he’s nor-
mally 40 or 50 percent of our gross on game nights.” A quick check of other frequent Kane haunts like Stay, Rebar and the Shrine also confirmed his absence from his famous post game pub crawl. When investigated further it was confirmed that Kane was in fact seen entering his luxury high rise about an hour and a half after the final horn. When interviewed about the incident, Trump tower door man Wallace Reese was still in shock. “I thought I saw a ghost! [Kane] walked straight in and got on the elevator! He didn't even fall into the plants!”
HECKLER EXCLUSIVE!
epstein resigns After 10 minutes with David kaplan
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n a shocking turn of events, Theo Epstein walked away from his job as new Cubs president and a five-year $20 million contract after spending just 10 minutes with David Kaplan, deeming the WGNAM and Comcast SportsNet host “the most obnoxious person” he’s ever met. “At today's press conference I met a local reporter and columnist who helped me quickly realize I was making the worst mistake of my life by taking this job,” said Epstein. “After spending just a few minutes chatting with
David Kaplan it became clear to me I had to get out of town immediately.” Epstein said Kaplan asked a handful of shallow, selfserving questions during the press conference and later cornered the young front office executive while he “droned on and on about how good of friends he is with Todd Hollandsworth and Ryan Theriot and how Jim Hendry used to give him all the big scoops.” “He said he was a great golfer and would love to ‘hit the
Theo makes first trade, sending G. heileman to boston for sam adams
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n the first of many moves to come in his new role with the Cubs, Theo Epstein today traded the inexplicably popular oldtimer G. Heileman to the Red Sox for the highly rated Samuel Adams. “The Cubs 100-year hangover has to end some time, and moving G. will go a long way toward that end,” Epstein said. “I know he’s an oldstyle player and the fans can’t get enough of him, but his numbers have been pretty flat and quite frankly, I’m tired of the headache.”
links’ with me some time,” said Epstein. “Like I care.” After learning his prized executive bailed right after accepting the job, Cubs owner Tom Ricketts was defeated. “We all know David, or ‘The Kapman’ as he insists we call him, can be a bit much, but we really hoped Theo would be able to tough it out,” said Ricketts. “After all, I’ve met a few sports columnists from Boston, and they’re god-awful. It’s not like Kaplan could possibly be worse than even Dan O''Shaughnessy, could he?”
Cubs woo fielder with jelly donuts
In return for canning Heileman, the Cubs would appear to have received a major upgrade in Adams, who shot up the draft line and became a fan favorite not only in Boston but around the league. “I’ve known Samuel a long time. He’s got a good head on his shoulders and some complexity to his character. His ability can be just intoxicating to watch, and for a pint-sized player he’s got some real hops out there in the outfield as well,” Epstein said. “Samuel was a longshot when he first came up, but now I wish I could bottle his enthusiasm.” After a predictable outpouring of fond farewells for Heileman, Adams has quickly generated quite the buzz among the Cubs faithful. Said season ticket holder Dan Spankler, “I heard he’s best as a pitcher, but now is slated for the outfield. Sounds like he’s sticking his neck out a little bit, but I’ll take a long neck Samuel Adams over that no-good gangly tall boy Heileman any day. That guy just left a bad taste for Cubs fans.”
Less than 24 hours after the Brewers lost the NLCS, the Cubs have began courting Milwaukee first baseman Prince Fielder with a variety of jelly donuts, from traditional raspberry to the more exotic boisenberry and goji flavors. "Everyone knows the way to Prince's heart is through his stomach," said incoming Cubs GM Theo Epstein. "The last reason you want to get beat out is because some other team offered him boisenberry or whatever. We've covered the entire jelly spectrum here." According to sources, the Cubs will deal with Fielder's excess weight after signing him.
Cubs hostED haunted house at wrigley The ‘Frightly Confines’ was filled with bad contracts and pulled hamstrings
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lways in search of new revenue streams in this difficult economy, the Cubs are once again opening Wrigley Field for a non-baseball event, this time hosting a haunted house at the “Frightly Confines” the last weekend in October. For only $19.08, fans can dress up in their most ghoulish of outfits and wander through Wrigley’s spooky concourse where they will be greeted along the way by a host of scary Cubby monsters, black cats, bad contracts and pulled hamstrings. “Laura and Todd really love Halloween, they’re like two grown-up kids,” said Cubs Chairman Tom Ricketts of his siblings who conceived the haunted house idea. “I just really hope that Theo gets to Chicago in time to participate. He promised to dress up and join me and Crane as the Three Musketeers. We’re going to pass out candy and bison dogs. It’ll be a hoot.” Several Cubs players and team personnel from the past and present will dress up in costume and jump out and scare patrons at various locations throughout the concourse area. Some of the many haunted rooms that visitors can expect to pass through include:
“Bad Contract Alley” featuring current players Alfonso Soriano and Carlos Zambrano along with former underachievers Milton Bradley and Danny Jackson who will be dressed up as cackling hyenas who laugh all the way to the bank. “Hamstring Hallow” with Aramis Ramirez, Kerry Wood and special guest Nomar Garciaparra all dressed up as one-legged pirates. “Ghosts of Halloweens Past” featuring former closers Mel Rojas, Antonio Alfonseca, LaTroy Hawkins and Kevin Gregg wore will wear paper bags over their heads, each inscribed with their terrifying save percentages. “Frankenstein and Igor” with former Cubs announcer Dave Otto and his little buddy Tony Campana.
Cubs to replace aramis with giant pile of cash they’LL BE saving with him NO LONGER ON THE TEAM
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ew Cubs president Theo Epstein announced Monday that he's going to replace Aramis Ramirez in the lineup with a giant pile of some of the cash the team will be saving should they lose the third baseman to free agency this winter. "It's an uncharacteristic move, sure," said Epstein. "But I didn't get where I am today by always going by the book." The Cubs announced recently they picked up the $16 million mutual option with Ramirez for 2012, but he will declined it, making him a free agent. Some of the money they’re saving will be used to shore up the lineup, rotation and bullpen, while a
large portion of the cash will be used to physically replace Ramirez's presence in the lineup. "Do you have any idea how big a $5 million pile of $100 bills is?" asked Epstein. "It's huge. A pile of cash doesn't have a lot of range in the field, but neither does Aramis these days." Epstein said he doesn't anticipate a huge drawback to replacing Ramirez on the team with an inanimate object. "Sure a pile of cash won't hit 30 mostly meaningless homers, but there are positives," said Epstein. "But people really love being around a pile of cash, so unlike Aramis, I think the pile will have a positive presence in the clubhouse."
Suh fined $20,000 for poking brady on facebook
Slutty socialite files for divorce from shitty nba player The pop culture and sports worlds again collided Monday when it was announced that slutty socialite Kim Kardashian and shitty NBA player Kris Humphries were getting a divorce after just 72 days of marriage. A statement from Kardashian said she intends to "pursue other athletes, presumably ones who don't ride the bench for the Nets," while Humphries' agent/ publicist/dry cleaner said his client was going to "concentrate on getting
his game where he should be and will attempt to date girls who are less slutty than Kim, which is pretty much everyone on the planet, even NBA groupies."
Big Ten downgrades penn state to new ‘scumbags’ division
“If I’m on Facebook, I’m going all out”
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oger Goodell today announced Lions DE Ndamukong Suh has been fined $20,000 for poking Patriots QB Tom Brady on Facebook earlier this week. It represents the league’s latest effort to curb Suh’s beastly intimidation tactics but is the first time he’s been fined by the league for something done off the field. “Our players are prohibited from using overly aggressive tactics, be it on or off the field,” said Goodell. “Ndamuknog needs to know
this type of behavior will not be prohibited.” Suh was quick to defend himself, saying he approaches social networking the same way he approaches football. “If I’m on Facebook, I’m going all out,” said Suh. “It wasn’t my intention to intimidate Tom by reminding him of my presence online, but if he was intimidated by that, so be it. I’m not going to change the way I Facebook.”
As the sex abuse scandal continues to unfold at Penn State, the Big Ten announced today it is realigning its divisions, placing the school in its newly named “Scumbags” division. “We thought ‘Legends’ and ‘Leaders’ would each be a proper description of our programs, but we were wrong,” said Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany. “Starting today there will be a third ‘Scumbags’ division for any schools in our conference that have been aiding and abetting known child molesters. And Ohio State.” Legendary coach Joe Paterno, who was eventually fired for his role
in the scandal cover-up, offered a somewhat-coherent take on the issue. "All I know is that we play Nebraska Saturday," said JoePa. "And as for these kids who had the terrible things happen to them, I pray for them every night. And we gotta beat Nebraska."
Crayola releases tom coughlin-inspired color: ‘pissed-off red’ Whenever Tom Coughlin sees something he doesn’t like on the football field, his face immediately reddens up in anger and outrage. Now, there’s an actual color to describe this distinctive hue called “Pissed-Off Red” and it was introduced by Crayola. "We at Crayola are very excited to introduce another color into our crayon family while honoring our close friend Tom Coughlin,," said Crayola’s CEO Spencer Helfman. "'Pissed-
Off Red' is a vibrant color and in my opinion, has the potential to be our best red of all time. We had been throwing around a potential color idea for coach Coughlin for a couple of years now and it's wonderful that it has come to fruition." Coughlin released a brief statement about the honor on Thursday: "I appreciate the Crayola Company and am honored that a color is named after me. However, I am still extremely pissed off with our loss on Sunday. That is all."